Tell Me You Love Me

Buffy sat on the bus staring out the window. Her mind kept wondering back to the hole that used to be Sunnydale. And the people that were still in there. Dead. Alive? But now was not the time to be thinking about that. Now was the time to be thinking about what was going to happen now. Now that she didn’t have to be the slayer anymore. Now that she could be normal again. Because of him. Why was that an unavoidable thought? Couldn’t she just forget about him? Just leave all thoughts of him back with his ashes in Sunnydale. A tear slid down her cheek. Would that be fair? After everything? To just forget. Like it all meant nothing. Another tear. Not fair at all. Because yes it had meant something. To her at least. Everyone else was just glad to be alive. Glad that most of us were still alive. That we saved the world again. Not that he had to die. He didn’t have to. But he did anyway. To close the hell mouth. Once and for all. So she could live. Be normal. Or as normal as an ex slayer could be. All for her. Always.

Xander opened his eyes and squinted at the brightness of the sun. The sun. She would never see the sun again. He could feel his eyes tearing up. He wished she was here with him now. He wished that they had been together. Married. But they weren’t. And it was his fault. He wasn’t ready. And now it was too late. She would never get her wedding. Never get the family she had wanted. And it was his fault. Mostly. Life wasn’t ever fair to him. He never got anything. Always ended up hurt. That’s when his mind drifted to another man, not quite like himself, but who had pretty much the same luck in love. Not anymore though. Cause now he was gone. Dust? He didn’t know. Didn’t want to. He sighed as he looked toward the back of the bus and saw her. One of his best friends. He could see tears sliding down her cheeks and knew she was thinking about him. Poor Buffy, things always seem to go wrong for her too. He wished that she could be happy. For once. He turned around as he started to cry.

Dawn turned around and looked at Xander. Then at Buffy. Both looked beaten and broken at the moment. She wanted to comfort them both but was afraid that if she did she would break down herself. And that wouldn’t be good. Not for anybody. Her eyes drifted to Rona. She was sleeping behind her. Dawn wondered if she was dreaming. About the war. About her home. About anything. She wondered if she had ever dreamed before she was human. Do keys dream? She didn’t know. As she turned back around she heard a faint crunch. She silently cursed herself as she remembered something. She reached into her pocket and pulled out two envelopes. Her sister’s name was written on the front of one of them. She shook a little as she remembered how she ended up with it. She was sitting at the kitchen counter when she heard someone coming down the stairs. She turned to see him walk into the kitchen and over to the fridge. His hair was messed up and she laughed to herself letting her mind wonder. He also wasn’t wearing shoes. She laughed out loud at this and he turned and looked at her strangely.

“Wats’ so funny?” he asked.

“Your feet” she said still laughing.

He looked down half embarrassed. “Oh. Right.” He turned around again though and continued whatever he was doing.

“Normally I wouldn’t laugh like this. It’s just I’ve never seen your feet before. You always wear shoes.” He didn’t turn around.

“Well I don’t wear shoes in the bed” he said matter-o-factly

She giggled again. He turned around this time. “What’s so funny now?”

“It’s just kinda strange thinking about you sleeping up there in her room with her.” He nodded.

“Yea it is.”

“But it’s not a bad strange.”

He didn’t respond.

“Uhh are you ok?”

“Yea I’m fine.” He walked over to her and sat down. She saw what it was he had been doing. Fiddling with a piece of paper. An envelope. She stared at it and noticed it had her sisters name on the front.

“What’s this?” she asked pointing to the letter.

“Uhh it’s kinda what I needed to talk to you about. See tomorrow anything could happen. And I uh I want you to give this to her. You know? If I don’t make it.”

She shuddered. “You will.”

He looked at her seriously. “But if I don’t.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.” He got up and started walking back out of the room. She fiddled with the tab on the letter.

“Oh and Nibblet, don’t even think about it.”

She smiled and put the letter in her pocket.

She was smiling slightly at the letter in her hands. She wondered more than ever now what it said. She would ask later. She shoved the other letter back in her pocket and made her way to the back of the bus.

Buffy was half asleep when she heard her sisters voice and opened her eyes.

“Dawn? You ok?” She nodded. But Buffy could tell that she wasn’t. There was something on her mind. “Dawn?” She looked up sadly and held out the paper in her hands.

“He...he said to give it to you if...uh...” She looked down. “So...uh...here.” After she handed Buffy the letter she got up and went back to her seat.

Buffy stared at the letter in her hands. They started to tremble. She swallowed hard as she opened the letter.

Her eyes watered as she scanned the pages and read the last words he would ever write. She clung the letter to her chest as the tears rolled down her cheeks. One last time.

Dawn reached into her pocket as she got back in her seat and pulled out the other letter. It was addressed to Spike.

Dawn walked out of the bathroom and nearly ran slap in to her sister.

“Oh sorry.” Buffy nodded.

Dawn started to walk off when Buffy’s voice called her back.

“Dawn.” She turned. “Can you...can you do me a favor?”

“Depends.” She smiled a little.

“Umm...could you...uhh...keep this.” She held out a letter.

“What is it?” Dawn asked reaching for it.

“It’s for Spike. A letter. In case...well you know...”

“You’re not gonna die Buffy.” “But if I do...I wrote letters for everyone. I want you to be the one to give this to him though. If you will.”

“Yea sure I will.” Dawn took the letter.

“Good, thanks.” Buffy turned to walk back toward her room. Dawn held the letter up to the light.

“Oh and Dawn.” Dawn looked after Buffy. “Don’t even think about it.”

She smiled again. ‘Great minds think alike. Either that or neither of them trust me.’ Dawn sighed at the thought. ‘How rude.’ She frowned. ‘Although they must have had enough to trust me to be the one to keep em.’ She smiled and opened the letter. Without hesitation she read the words her sister had written to her lover.

Dawn folded the letter and put it back in its envelope. She wiped the tears off her cheeks and tucked her hair behind her ears. She had loved him. Dawn had known she probably had and was just too afraid to admit it. She thought that’s why she hadn’t told anyone about their relationship to begin with. She was afraid of her feelings and knew that none of her friends would understand. That was what Dawn thought, amongst lots of other things. She felt someone sitting beside her. She looked over and saw Andrew.

“What do you want?” she asked.

“What’cha reading?” he asked.

“Nothing.” She tried to hide the letter behind her but Andrew reached around and grabbed it away from her.

“Hey, give it back!” Dawn said angrily.

“No” He held the letter in his stretched out arm where she couldn’t reach it.

“Andrew that’s private” she tried to whisper looking to the back of the bus to see if Buffy was watching them. She wasn’t.

“Fine.” Andrew handed Dawn the letter and laid back.

“Just like that? Man you are a wussy.”

“Am not.”

“Are too now shush before you wake everyone up.” He crossed his arms and wrinkled his forehead, mumbling something about the world not being fare.

Dawn just sighed. She laid back and closed her eyes and began to dream, not knowing that when she woke up the letter would be gone. And that she wouldn’t even remember it. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Spike paced around the office.

“Would you sit down?” Angel asked.

“No” was his simple answer. More pacing.

“Why don’t you go bug someone else?”

“Not as much fun that way. Sides I got nothing better to do.”

“Why don’t you go play with your X-Box? Don’t you need to work on your hand coordination or something?”

“Maybe later.” He started thumping his feet on the ground. Angel slammed his pen down on his desk and stood up.

“Ok if you don’t get out of my office right now I’m gonna......” He was cut off by Harmony.

“Oh blondie bear I have something for you.” Spike made a face and turned around.

“And what might that be Harm?”

“A letter.” She held it out.

“From?” he asked staring at what she held in her hands.

“Dunno.” She walked over and handed him the letter. Then she smiled and walked back out of the room.

He looked at the letter in his hands for a moment. It had only his name written on the front of it. He wondered who would be writing him letters. He hesitated to open it remembering that the last package he got made him corporeal. No telling what this one would do. And he didn’t fancy being Casper again. Finally he opened it, and then began to read the words.

Angel who could care less who was writing to Spike simply sat back down.

“Get out of my office.” Spike looked up a minute and growled at him. Then smirked a bit. Angel didn’t know what it meant, but then again didn’t really care. Spike turned around and walked out of the office without another word.

Buffy’s Letter

Dear Spike,

I’m sorry for everything. I know I’m sorry are basically meaningless words now a days but I figured it was worth a try. Things haven’t really been all that great in the past between us. I think that the last couple of days have probably been some of the best. Thanks again for what you did. You know finding me that night, and staying and convincing me I could do it. Win. If you’re reading this then it probably means I’m not around anymore. But don’t worry about me. I’ll be ok. And I know that in time you will be too. I know that I have hurt you. A lot. Maybe more than I’ve ever hurt anyone. And I’m sorry. There are those words again. Maybe still meaningless. Maybe not. It’s weird thinking of you reading this. Knowing that I’m gone. But in a way it’s comforting. I guess I’m just strange like that. I want you to know that I love you. I know that you may not believe it, and I want you to know that I’m not just saying it because now I’m dead and so therefore don’t have to deal with it anymore. But I’m saying it because I mean it. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re the one Spike. And yea I may not have been completely in love with you, but that’s because we didn’t really have a chance to have anything like that. I wish that we could have, but if you’re reading this then I guess we won’t get that chance. So I guess what I’m really trying to say is I hope you never read this letter and I hope that we get our chance.

You’ve been there for me time and time again, even when I really tried to convince myself I didn’t need you. Thank you for being so stubborn and not leaving like everyone else. I want you to know that what I told you, about believing in you, and being with you, I meant all that. These last couple of nights have been really special to me. And I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I didn’t intend on this letter being this long. But I guess there was more to say then I thought. I would like to keep writing to you all day but I have to go get ready for the battle coming up tomorrow. I hope that you live a good life, and that you find someone who really deserves you. I never did. I never deserved the things that you did for me. I told you once that you were beneath me. But if anything I’m beneath you. You’re a good man, and you deserve the best. I wish it to you now. But before I stop writing I want to say one more thing. I love you and I trust you. I hope before I die I get to hear you tell me you love me one more time. You haven’t really said it directly since you’ve had your soul. I know that sounds selfish but I can’t help it. I’ve always been selfish when it comes to you. Well I guess this is it. I hope that in the 100 years or so that you live you never forget me. I hope I’ll see you again one day.

Love Always,

Buffy

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spike’s Letter

Dear Buffy,

I am writing this letter to you in the off chance that I don’t make it. I want to lay a few things down. First and most importantly I want you to know that I love you. More than I have ever loved anything. I don’t know how or why but I do know that it’s real. You may or may not believe that. I don’t know. You always hide your feelings well. That’s why this is so hard for me. I want to believe that you mean it when you say that being with me these last few nights have been special and meant something to you. But a big part of me thinks it’s all pity, and that none of this means anything. I guess if I’m right then you might not even be reading this now so I’m gonna take my chances here and hope that you still are.
I know that I have caused you a lot of pain and I’m sorry for that. I know that those words don’t really mean all that much these days but it’s worth a try anyway. What happened last year between us was bad. I know that. I just wanted so badly to hold on to it because it was the only thing you ever gave me. And after what I tried to do, I never meant to. It just hurt so much and I didn’t know how to handle it. I regret that more than almost anything. I got my soul so that maybe it could be different. Maybe you would finally accept me. Plus I wanted to be the kind of man who would never try to hurt the person they care about more than anything. But I guess it’s like I told you once, you always hurt the one you love.
I know you’ll never really love me like I love you. And now I’m ok with that. I mean I’ll never be completely ok with it but I accept it now. I know we’ll never have what you had with Angel. But that’s because I’m not Angel. And I’ll never be. And I know that’s not good enough for you. And it’s not your fault. You can’t help who you love. I should know more than anyone. When I first started falling for you I tried to tell myself that I was just crazy, that thinking about you all the time meant nothing except that I wanted to kill you. I never wanted this either. It just happened. So yea it’s not your fault, but it’s not mine either.
I told Riley once that he was the lucky one out of the two of us. Because even though he never really had you he got to be close to you, unlike me. Now I know I was right. Being with you, even though it might only be real for me, is worth it. I know that I may have been just convenient to you, maybe I still am, but it doesn’t change anything. What you were, are, to me is still the same. And what you are is the most beautiful, and the strongest person I have ever known, and will know. I know in my heart that you are the one for me, even if I’m not the one for you. I wish more than anything that I could change that, but I can’t. All I can do is tell you how much I love you. I want you to know that I’ll never be like the rest of them. I’ll never leave you. Even if I’m dead now I’m still with you. I also want you to know that I would do anything for you. Or would have I guess would be the more appropriate term. You mean the world to me Buffy Summers and you always will. I hope you never forget me. Like you could ever forget a pain in the ass like me anyway but still. I was thinking of the perfect song to leave you with. So that every time you heard it you could think about me and the wonderful person that I was. And my excellent talent in sarcasm. The only thing I could come up with, besides ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’, was a song by Brian Adams. I used to love the song. I would listen to it all the time. It’s called ‘Everything I Do’. Dru always hated it, but of course she was out of her mind. And it really describes how I feel. So next time you have the chance listen to it and remember. I guess this is as good a time as any to say goodbye. I would love to keep writing forever but I got to go find Dawn and give this to her. Tell her that I love her too. Even if she still hates me for what I did. Once again I’m sorry. Meaningless as it might sound. I just hope that before I die I’ll get to hear you say it. That you love me, even if you don’t mean it. So now I’ll say it one last time. I love you Buffy.
Yours Forever,
Spike