Seasons by mrsdarling
Summary: On the morning before she walks out of your life forever, on the morning before everything you have ever wanted or dreamed about dies...you wake up next to her realizing that she's all you've ever wanted and all you've never had. They were worst enemies, but better lovers. They had everything and nothing in the arms of each other. They knew not what they'd loose and prayed that they would gain. Two people. One morning. One goodbye. A love that lasts a lifetime.
Categories: Fantasy Characters: None
Genres: Romance, Angst
Warnings: Sexual Situations
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 8 Completed: No Word count: 12842 Read: 10107 Published: 08/17/2007 Updated: 09/16/2008

1. Seasons by mrsdarling

2. Chapter 1: Five Years and a Million heartbreaks later by mrsdarling

3. Chapter 2: Break Apart her Heart by mrsdarling

4. Chapter 3:Rock Star by mrsdarling

5. Chapter 4: Foolish Games by mrsdarling

6. Chapter 5: Color Blind by mrsdarling

7. Chapter 6: All falls down by mrsdarling

8. Chapter 7: Mercy in the Middle by mrsdarling

Seasons by mrsdarling
Author's Notes:
Something I wrote a long time ago and decided I'd post it for fun.

He looked different when he slept. After a few hours of making love he had finally collapsed on her and all she could think about was how different he looked. How peaceful and content he looked. She studied his face, never wanting to forget it, knowing that she never would.

Was this what being in love felt like?

She cast away the treacherous thought the moment it crossed her mind. Thinking like that was going to get her into nothing but trouble and trouble was the last thing she needed.

Her body was blissfully exhausted. It always was after a day with him. She'd be able to sleep on the plane tomorrow. Tonight she was going to bask in the after glow of what they'd just done. Who knew if they'd ever be together again?

Leaving him was the hardest thing she was ever gonna have to do but she didn't have a choice. His mind was made up. She could very easily be persuaded to stay but she knew that he'd never ask her to. Knew he'd never make her chose between her dreams and him. Knew that he didn't think there was much comparison.

“Why the frown, ladybug?” he asked as he pulled her even closer to him. His hair was mused and his voice was groggy.

She rested her head on his chest and sighed. “Can you keep a secret?”

“Depends on if it’s worth keeping or not.” He kissed her forehead and she playfully swatted him while sitting up a little straighter.

“I leave tomorrow.”

He chuckled, “That’s not much of a secret, bug.”

She rolled her eyes, “If you would let me finish-”

“Alright-- alright,” he threw his arms up in surrender.

She sat up and grabbed the blanket they had kicked onto the floor sometime in between their heated kisses and the mindless fumbling around. Making a game out who could get rid of their clothes the fastest. She wrapped it around herself before standing up. “I’ve never been more terrified in my life.” She said honestly.

“Of leaving?” he asked as he got up and followed her into bathroom. She dropped the blanket and turned on the shower.

“Of leaving.” She nodded and silently added I’m terrified of leaving you.

“Well,” he started as he stepped closer to her. “That’s understandable off to collage in a whole new town with none of your friends there with you. I’d say that’d be pretty scary.” He pulled her to him and kissed her softly. “But you see I have faith in you. I know what you’re capable of. I know how brilliant you are. Harvard knows how brilliant you are. Baby, they’re scholarshipping you that means something. You might be nervous now but give it a little time and you'll settle in. They're going to love you.” Then almost as an afterthought he put his hand on the back of her neck and brought her ear to his lips, “Besides there are going to be so many good looking, smart, none bum musician guys there that your going to forget all about little ole me out here in SunnyD. You're going to make something of yourself baby. There was never anything for you here anyway.”

“But I like musicians.” She stated simply-- knowing that he would get the hint.

“Yeah well we’re all a bunch of washed up imposters doomed to never make anything of ourselves anyway, right? What do you need that for? A musicians only gonna hold you back.” He said as he climbed into the shower knowing that she would follow.

“I’m a musician.” She said slightly insulted while climbing in after him.

“No you aren’t, not at heart.” She looked like he had just crushed a piece of her soul and he smiled. “You are the second best guitar player I have ever met babyluv but music was never your passion it was never in your soul. You’re a number loving, grammar correcting, too smart for your own good kinda girl.” He started to soap her hair and she looked at him with teary eyes.

“Ask me to stay.” Finally. She asked him.

He shook his head no and the tears started to fall. She didn’t want to fall apart in front of him but she could feel it-- the turning of the tide-- the weight of the future-- a future without him.

“Please,” she whispered desperately.

“Ask you to stay so in a few years you can look back and remember everything you could have had and didn’t because I was selfish bugger? I’d rather die. The opportunity of a life time is sitting right in front of you and your hesitating to reach out and grab it, why? For me? Bug, I'm no Prince Charming. I'm the bad guy. Don't you stay for me.”

He put her in the spray and ran his fingers through her long blonde hair. Smiling as he heard her sniffle. She sounded like a little girl though her glistening golden body told him that she was anything but. “I know.”

“Yes, you do.” Was all he said as he continued to work the soap out of her hair.

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t. It would be better if you did.”

She lightly shoved him, “Believe me-- I've tried. Loving you's exhausting.”

He smiled sadly at her. “And if you love me you’ll leave.” He tucked a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. “You’ll leave this small little nothing town and never look back. If you love me you’ll do that for me.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Has no one warned you about that yet? Life is never fair.” He smiled. “You'll leave. There will be someone else, you will fall in love again and five years from now you won’t remember my name let alone how much you loved me.” She looked at him with wide sober eyes--shocked and hurt. He looked at her with pity and love. So much love he thought that his heart would break with the sheer force of it. That was the exact moment he knew he would never love anyone like he loved her… It was also in that moment that he realized she would never come back for him.
Chapter 1: Five Years and a Million heartbreaks later by mrsdarling
Chapter 1: He loved her

She venomously slammed the front door and threw her keys at the entry table where they bounced and skidded to a halt at the base of the stairway. She was livid and nothing that he said was going to change that. If she had a gun she'd shoot him in his nut sack and then she laugh as he bled and cried for help on the floor. She hated him!

He came barging through the door hot on her heels,“Buffy! Listen to me, luv. I didn’t mean-”

“Maybe I don’t want to listen to you anymore!” She shouted as she turned around to face him and placed her hands over her ears, glaring daggers at her boyfriend.

He had had just about enough. He misstepped. Insulted her. Then he apologized profusely. It should have been over and done with but no. Nothing was ever simple when it came to Buffy. Everything was a fight. She was exhausting.

Looking at his 18 year old girlfriend with her hands planted firmly over her ears, refusing to listen to reason, apologies, or anything he said-- he lost it.

“Well, maybe I don’t want to love you anymore.” He said while walking toward her with a wicked grin.

She snorted. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”

He continued to get closer to her with that stupid look on his face and she couldn't help herself she started to smile.

“Is it? You that secure baby?” He asked as he deftly slipped his arms around her waist and leaned into her while nuzzling her neck.

“Oh please.” She said and rolled her eyes. He was so darn cute sometimes. She loved fighting with him, almost as much as she loved loving him.

“Well then I’m doing my job well.” He couldn’t get enough of her, her smell, her taste, her passion, her everything. If she ever knew how much she really meant to him, how desperate and all consuming his love was for her she probably wouldn’t believe it.

She said she didn’t believe in love. She’d been burned too many times. Broken beyond repair-- he dubbed it his job to sweep up the mess and pick up the pieces. Her shattered dreams, her shattered life, her shattered heart, no matter how hard he tried to glue them back together she would always bare the scars. She'd always be mosaic. In pain there was progress, in hurting there was hope.

He wasn’t there to try and fix her. He was there to show her that being broken made her normal-- it meant that you had lived and there was nothing wrong with living.

She looked at him, a question in her beautiful green eyes. “Why?” was all she asked, the moment suddenly very serious--instead of answering he picked her up in his arms and decided to show her.

Their love at times was so complex it hurt to think about it and other times it was as simple as his body inside of hers. Moving and loving and holding. There was something spiritual about the way he loved her, the way that he was only complete when he was with her.


~+~

He woke up breathing heavily, coated in a light sheen of sweat and batting at his alarm clock settling for yanking the cord from the wall.

He hated thinking about her, waking up without her. Waking up knowing that she would never be back for him.

Waking up alone.

He sat on the edge of the bed and ran his fingers through his slightly damp hair-- waiting for the fuzziness to clear. He slipped on his glasses and glanced at his phone. No missed calls. No texts. Not that there would be.

5:00 pm.

Work in an hour.

Stumbling out of bed he started to make his way to the bathroom when he halted abruptly and turned back around. Frowning he looked at the blonde hair sticking out from beneath his covers. He could have sworn he told her to leave.

Stupid bint never listened to anything. Kinda reminded him of her in that way. Maybe that’s why he had put up with the stupid blonde for so long. She was stubborn and hard headed like someone else he had loved.

Sighing he ran a shaking hand through his sleep mussed hair. He really needed a shower. He really needed to get to work. He didn’t have time for this, for memories, for her.

He made up his mind as he stormed back toward the bathroom, taking off clothing as he went, trying to erase her from his thoughts.

Until the next night at least.

Until the next dream.

Until his next breath.

He took off his glasses and placed them on the counter, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror; shocking white blonde hair, striking baby blue eyes, cheek bones--pronounced and defined.

There was something missing though an essential piece. He felt dead, you could see it in him. An heir of desperation and despair about him. He'd do anything to come back to life.

He brushed his teeth before climbing into the shower, letting the scalding hot water wash away traces of the night before. He didn’t like what he did to women. Using them in his search for fulfillment, in his search for meaning but it never worked. Not one of them had ever fulfilled him, not one of them had ever meant anything more than a quick fuck.

No one but her only her and she was gone now so what did it matter?

Shutting the water off he leaned the back of his head against the wall and squeezed his eyes shut tight.

How could she do this to him?

Didn’t she realize that she was killing him?

Didn’t she realize that although she had moved on he still lived in those few short years they had had with one another?

He banged his head back against the wall off the shower and cursed the day he had met her.

He had gotten the card in the mail yesterday, the one announcing the birth of a baby girl, to proud parents Liam O’Connor and…

Elizabeth Anne O’Connor.

His Elizabeth.

His Buffy.

She was a mum now. To a baby that wasn’t his. Married to a man that wasn’t him. He had known when she walked away all those years ago that this would happen.

He thought he had prepared himself adequately enough but the pain of losing her still burned hot and deep within him.


Chapter 2: Break Apart her Heart by mrsdarling
Author's Notes:
Please if your squemish at all dont read this chapter! Deals with abuse.
Chapter 2: Break Apart her Heart


She sat back and swiped her arm across her forehead, trying to get rid of the sweat that had been beading there for the last hour. The sun was hot on the back of her neck and her fingers ached from all the time spent planting and pruning.

Ready for a nice tall glass of ice tea she picked up the baby monitor and started toward the house-- leaving her tools and gloves behind her. Mentally her mind was running through her shopping list for the week and wondered if Angel might be able to pick something up for her from the store on his way home from the office.

Sighing she decided it was best not to ask, she’d just get it when she went into town tomorrow. There was no need to start the fight that she knew it'd turn into. She toed off her tennis shoes on the back porch before she opened the sliding glass door and entered their museum like house.

She hated it.

But she’d never tell Angel that. There were a lot of things she'd never tell Angel.

Listening to the sound of her bare feet smacking against the tile floor she wondered into the kitchen and got herself a drink. She gulped down the first glass, poured herself another, and savored the second. It was such a beautiful day. Perfect for running away. The second she had the thought she shoved it down deep in her belly.

He's been good to you since the baby came. He's changed.

She grabbed the novel she'd been reading and headed toward the patio door but stopped short when she saw the cat sleeping on her baby grand.

“No, no, no, no, no, bad Fluffy! You get off of mommies piano right now!” She shooed the cat away and wiped cat fur off as carefully as possible, sighing with relief when she didn’t see any scratches.

The grand was a gift from her husband on her wedding day. He knew how much she enjoyed playing and encouraged her…

Well he used to encourage her.

She sat down on the bench and lifted the lid. She let her fingers drift gently over the black keys and cracked her knuckles before she began to play. Her fingers danced swiftly over the keys. She hummed along to the familiar tune.

Her book and previous plans forgotten she let her shoulders relax as she fell into the music. Notes and choruses. Staccato and feeling. She poured her heart into everything she played. She always had.

“You’re not a musician, not at heart.”

But she was and he knew it. It was just his way of telling her that she wasn't his. That she wasn't allowed to be his.

She should have never agreed to marry Angel. She should have gone back to William.

The baby monitor crackled as a tiny cry rang through. She took it as an omen and chastised herself for letting her mind go there. She stopped playing and shooed away the remnants of her feelings.

As she climbed the stairs and entered the nursery she smiled as she saw her daughters tiny fists waving in the air and realized that she wouldn’t trade this for the world. That her little girl made everything worth it.

“Hi little one!” She beamed. “How was your sleep? Did you dream of me? I missed you so.” So very worth it.
~+~
“Good evening, Elizabeth. How was your day?” Liam was a big man, intimidating and stern. Elizabeth wondered what had happened to the carefree young man she had fallen in love with three years ago. She wondered if she had ever truly known him at all.

“Very uneventful.” She said in between bites of her meal. She wasn’t really interested in talking to him. She just wanted to eat her dinner in peace and sneak off to bed. But she could tell that he was working himself into a mood.

“That’s it? You don’t even ask me how mine was in return?” He had set his fork on his plate and was looking at her with an unreadable expression. “Come here,” he demanded.

“Liam I asked you how you day was when you walked in the door.” She set her fork down and very carefully chose her next words. “Please. I did not mean to be rude. Please forgive--”

“Did I stutter? I said come here!” He yelled as he flung his plate at her. Chicken and vegetables scattering all over the table and vodka sauce staining the carpet. She surveyed the damage and closed her eyes as she stood up slowly. She wondered what happened to the girl she used to be. The one that was strong. The one that vowed to die before ever allowing a man to humiliate her like this again. She braced herself for the beating that she knew was coming.

He sat in his seat silently fuming. Relishing the fact that he could reduce her to nothing in minutes. He liked to make her feel low. He liked to break her down. It made him feel strong and not so broken down. She represented his weaknesses and failures. He knew the only reason why he wanted her is so that no one else could have her.
Chapter 3:Rock Star by mrsdarling
Chapter 3: Rock Star

He walked into the crowded restaurant, trying to keep his head down, hoping that the old baseball cap covered his hair well enough. Why did his father always pick the worst spots to meet him? Did he not realize what a madhouse this could turn into if anyone in here recognized him? He rolled his eyes, next time he was going to pick the place. Senile old man couldn't get it in his head that his son was a rock star.

Spying an empty table in the corner he hurriedly sat himself and snuck low into the privacy that the booth offered as he waited for the older man to show up.

The past week had been a nightmare. Someone-- somehow-- got pictures of him and some woman doing something very obscene in public. Based off the fact that he had never seen the woman in his life he was almost positive that they were fake. Not that it mattered if they were fake or not people believed what they wanted to believe. He had been hounded by the media. A minister and his perish decided that it was time to play redeem the rock star. They had been picketing his house for days. The punches just kept on coming.

Everywhere he went this week it was about the photos and his “new love interest”.

HE DIDN’T HAVE A “LOVE INTEREST”! He was sick of saying it. He was single and would remain single, quite possibly for the rest of his life. To top it all off his father had insisted on meeting this week, probably because he saw the fake photos and wanted to lecture his son on proper etiquette because having sex in the park was most defiantly not proper.

He tried to ignore the tabloids he really did and most of the time he succeeded but lately it was getting harder to disregard them. He was hounded relentlessly by paparazzi and fans. Someone was always coming up with some crazy story about how he is going to secretly run off and get married to some foreign woman in Mexico. The only woman he had ever wanted to marry was already married so they need not fear secret weddings and love affairs but he was no expert on his own life. No that would be absurd.

Checking his watch he looked around through the dark tint of his sunglasses. “Where is that old man?”

“Hi my name is Mandy and I’m going to be your waitress today! Can I start you off with something to drink?” The young girl hadn’t looked up from the pad of paper she was writing on once and he wondered what she could be writing when he hadn’t even ordered yet.

“Yeah just a glass of water please, luv” He cringed when he saw her head snap up and her mouth gape open.

Shit.

“OOOOOHMYGOD! You’re, you’re… you’re... you’re….”

“Hush. Please be quite.” He pleaded with her. Knowing that nothing was going to do any good, he covered his ears and prayed for a miracle.

“SPIKE GILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” In no time every head in the restaurant had turned to him and he was surrounded by a swarm of people snapping pictures with camera phones and begging for autographs. He wanted to throttle the waitress and than disappear.

He knew this would happen! He hadn't been able to go anywhere in peace for years! He was so sick of this! This is not what he signed up for when he signed his record deal. He just wanted to play some music and maybe have a couple people listen, he didn’t count on people chasing him down the streets and following him everywhere he went.

He placed his head in his hands, sat back, and reached for the first pen and piece of paper.




Tossing his keys onto the entryway table, he threw his jacket onto a near-by chair and kicked off his shoes. He wanted to drink a glass of whiskey and than fall into bed and sleep for the rest of the year but knowing that he had a photo shoot to do the next day and a new song to record he opted for a tumbler full and a few hours of sleep.

Oh the joys of adulthood.

Rolling up his sleeves he went into the bathroom and washed his face, going through his nightly routine.

He hadn't had a week this bad in a long time. He blamed it on being under constant stress of always having to perform. There was pressure that came with being watched and evaluated all the time. His life was under the microscope of the public eye. He also blamed it on being close to thirty and more tired and overworked than anyone should be at his age.

He wasn’t complaining, really. He was an extremely blessed individual but having the camera on anyone 24/7 would ware on their nerves.

He was running a comb through his curly hair when the telephone rang. He sighed as he put his wire framed glasses on and walked barefoot and chested into the bedroom, frowning when he saw the dirty sheets from the night before.

Ew. He made a mental note to change them before he went to bed.

“Ello?”

“William! Thank God! This is Joyce…Joyce Summers.” The relived voice sounded through the telephone and he almost dropped the phone in surprise.

Joyce Summers? Buffy’s mum, Joyce Summers? He hadn’t talked to her in years. Since…since the day that he moved to L.A.

“Well, ‘ello! Mrs. Summers this is such a pleasant surprise.” He sat down on the edge of the bed and than decided he would probably be better off sitting somewhere else. He got up and wondered into the living room.

“Oh please William, I thought we got over this ages ago. Please, call me Joyce.”

He smiled. He always had loved this woman. “Alright Joyce, what did I do to deserve the pleasure of your call?”

“Well…it’s actually….I mean…well…”

He frowned. This wasn’t a good call judging by the sound of her voice. “Joyce?”

“Buffy’s flight arrives in L.A. in an hour and I won’t be able to get there for two. I know that this is a huge favor to ask of you William and I won’t blame you if you say no but-”

Sprinting back into the bedroom, he started redressing. “I’ll do it. What airport?”





Chapter 4: Foolish Games by mrsdarling
Author's Notes:
Hey guys here is the much LONGER chapter promised. Enjoy! ;-)
Chapter 4: Foolish Games


He couldn’t stop pacing, couldn’t stand still. Why did he agree to this?

Because you haven’t seen her in five years and wanted to know why she never came back after she promised she would.

No. He was over this. Over her. What happened with them happened a long time ago. She had a family now, a daughter…a husband.

A husband that she’s flying to California, in the middle of the night, to get away from.

She probably just missed her mum. They were always close.

So she spur of the moment bought a plane ticket and decided to fly to L.A.?

It didn’t matter why she was coming as long as she was.

He sighed and sat down in a chair. She wasn’t expecting him to be the one to pick her up. Maybe this was a bad idea. He shouldn’t have agreed to this he knew he shouldn’t but he hadn’t seen her in so long

His leg wouldn’t stop moving and the lady sitting next to him was looking at him like he was crazy.

He was nervous! More bloody nervous than he had ever been in his entire life! He got back up and began to pace again, checking his watch for the millionth time.

Her plane had landed five minutes ago. Where was she? He was getting anxious.
***


Where was she? She was supposed to be here over an hour and a half ago and he was getting tired of waiting. Pacing back and forth and checking his watch, Spike was about to throw in the towel and go home. The rest of the band had already left, deciding that if she was going to take the night off so were they. It was Saturday so he let them go, knowing that Buffy’s ditching was going to have to come to an end. Whether that meant him sitting her down and having a serious talk or kicking her out.

Either way it wasn’t going to be good. You couldn’t very well kick your girlfriend out of your band and expect the same ‘perks’ you had been getting before.


“Sorry I took so long, Spike.” He whipped around toward the door at the sound of her voice, ready to give her a piece of his mind. Thats when he saw the hat pulled low on her forehead and the long sleeve turtle neck that covered her arms in the midst of the hottest summer in California had ever seen.

Something wasn’t right.

“Buffy?” He called as he jogged over to meet her

“Yeah?” She asked eyes downcast toward the floor.

“What happened?”

“I fell again.” Was her whispered answer and she began to cry when he took off her baseball cap to reveal the hand shaped bruise that covered half of her beautiful face.

Spike threw her hat to the ground and started toward the door. Buffy was hot on his heals and she threw herself in front of him knowing that his temper wasn't going to solve a damn thing. “Spike, don’t.” She pleaded.

“Stop it Buffy! Stop lying to me!” He yelled as he turned to face her. “Why do you lie when you know that I know he’s an abusive bastard? I know that hits you and your mum! I swear I’m gonna kill him!”

She could feel the anger and the hate radiating off of him. She was at a loss of what to do to calm him this time. She wasn’t sure she wanted too.

“He didn’t Spike, I just need to be more careful. He didn’t do any-”

“You’re a liar! Why are you lying for him? Protecting him?”

“I am not a liar!” She screamed.

“He doesn’t care about you! Why does he hit you if he cares?”

“He does care! Stop it!”

“He hates you Buffy. You and your mother and he gets drunk and hits you! I know it, you know it, hell the whole damn town knows it Buffy!”

“Shut up!”

“He doesn’t love you!”

“Yes he does! Shut up!”

“He doesn’t Buffy. You don’t hit someone you love!”

“Shut up!”

“You don’t hurt someone you care about!”

“Don’t say that!”

“You and your mum need to leave him.” He was still angry but he saw how his rant was affecting her. She was sobbing and screaming at him. They had never had a fight like this before.

But he had never in his life been this scared for her before.

“Shut up!”

“Buffy, I’m sorry. But I’m so scared. He hurt you.” He whispered as he moved closer to her.

“No.” She was crying. Not really listening to what he had to say and he knew that it was his fault alone. He shouldn’t have yelled. She had so many problems she needed him to be her rock. He wasn’t allowed to fall apart.

“Baby, come here.” He pleaded with her as he held out his arms to her.

“No.” She had her arms wrapped around herself she refused to look at him. He picked her up in his arms as she began sobbing in earnest. “I’m gonna take you home baby. It’ll be okay. Home with me. You’re stayin with me tonight, no arguments.”

She nodded her head and whispered. “No complaints.”

***

He stood frozen in place as he watched her struggle with a baby carrier and three rather large suitcases. She looked so different and still the same, long blonde hair was tied back behind her in a pony tail, and her slender body was incased in blue jeans and a black Rolling Stones t-shirt. Movie star sunglasses couldn’t hide the big purple and yellow bruise on the side of her face and he sighed as the weight of the real reason why she'd return settled upon his shoulders. He wanted to be sick. Wanted to collapse and cry and yell at her all at the same time. How could she let this happen? What were the chances that she'd end up with a dead beat like her father.

He walked toward her, she was so focused on trying not to drop anything she didn’t even notice him as he came up beside her.

“I could help you with that ma’am.” He said quietly as she turned to look at him. She set everything aside and the next instant she was in his arms. It was like the last five years had never happened.

“You’re here.” She whispered against his shoulders and all he could do was nod. He wanted to cry and scream and hate her all at the same time but knew that he couldn’t. He was her rock, always had been and always would be. She needed him now more than ever, so here he was. Needing her back.

The baby started to cry and she was immediately pulled to her daughter’s side. He gathered up her suitcases and she grabbed the baby carrier. “You’re gonna stay at my place tonight and your mum will come get you tomorrow.”

She nodded. She was used to him stepping in and taking control. Five years hadn’t changed anything at all.

***

He closed the door behind them and set her bags down by the couch. She hadn’t spoken a word to him since they left the airport and to be honest he didn’t know what to say to her. What did you say to someone you had so much history with, someone you used to know better than yourself?

“Thank you for this. I really didn’t mean to intrude.” She was facing him, her hands stuck in her pockets, looking like anything but the woman she was.

“You know that if you ever need anything…I’m here.” He took a seat on the sofa and motioned for her to take a seat next to him. “So… how have you been?”

She looked at him and smiled. “Alright I guess. Life has been a little bit more hectic since Emma but I have no complaints. What about you, Mr. Rockstar? Looks like you haven’t done half bad for yourself.” She said while gesturing around his place.

He found himself smiling at her. “Life is life. I could ask for more but try not too.”

“You haven’t changed a bit.”

“You have.”

She looked away from him and busied herself with getting the baby out of her carrier. “Well Spike people grow up in the real world.”

He scoffed. “So what are you trying to say Buffy?”

“Just that I moved on.”

“Oh, and you think that I haven’t?” He asked dreading her answer. He thought he was hiding his feelings well but she had always been able to see through him.

“That’s not what I said.” The baby started to fuss.

“No but it’s what you implied.”

“Look Spike I don’t want to fight with you. I just want to make it through tonight and leave with my mother tomorrow.”

“Okay. Alright. I’m sorry.” He stood up and ran a hand through his hair. “I’ll go get the guest room ready.” He muttered as he left, starting down the hallway.

She leaned back against the couch and heaved a sigh of relief. Why did he have to look so damn gorgeous? Why did her mother have to ask him, out of all people, to pick her up?

No. Scratch that. Her mother had always hated Angel and had made it no secret. If this was her mother’s poor attempt at getting her and Spike back together it was nothing more than just that-- a poor attempt.

She was married and would remain married. Spike was a memory. A ghost from her past and yes she loved him and probably always would love him but that did not mean that this was some damned romance novel where they get thrown back together after 5 years apart and realize how young and stupid and naive they were. That they never should have parted and they fall back into each others arms after having waited for the other all these years.

No. This was real life and real life was never that exciting. In real life there were no such things as happy endings, much to her dismay.

Emma continued to fuss, hungry after going hours without anything to eat. Buffy looked behind her to see if Spike was coming back. He wasn’t. So she took out Emma’s baby blanket and put it over her shoulder. She pulled up her shirt and unhooked her bra, letting her head rest against the back of the couch as she fed her daughter.

Why did he have to be so perfect? How after all these years did he still have the power to make her knees turn to mush and heart skip a beat. She felt like a teenager all over again. She remembered the first time she met him. She was only a freshman when he moved to Sunnydale and the day they met was one she’d never forget.

****

“How do I look Wills?” Buffy asked as she straightened the collar on her leather jacket and fluffed her hair, catching the attention of more than one student in the High School parking lot.

“I told you already Buffy…sexy… fierce… gorgeous. Take your pick, you are all of that and more.” Willow felt like rolling her eyes. Buffy had gotten some silly nonsense idea in her head once again ergo they were standing in the school parking lot on their first day of ninth grade looking like evil punk rockers that drove Harleys. She so wasn’t enjoying this.

She didn’t like high school already.

“Come on Wills lets go.” Buffy said as she dragged her best friend by the arm up to the front of the school. She was so busy conversing with her best friend that she didn't even notice the underclassmen busy not paying attention coming straight toward her.

Willow let go of Buffy just in time and saved herself from falling into the mess but Buffy didn’t have any such luck. She had landed right on top of the stranger.

“Bloody hell!”

“Ouchy!” Looking down into the most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen Buffy rubbed her head.

“Watch where you’re going, you stupid bint!” The man who was currently underneath her grumbled but didn’t move.

“What the hell did you just call me?” Her temper flared.

He gave her a wicked grin and then asked as if talking to a child, “What didn’t you understand luv? The ‘watch where you’re going’ part or the part where I called you a ‘stupid bint’?”

She grabbed him by his collar and pulled him to her. “First off I am not and never will be your luv. Second nobody tells me what to do…ever. And last but not least you ever call me stupid again and I’ll castrate you.”

He chuckled. “Well aren’t you a feisty little chit.” He curled his tongue behind his teeth. “Bet you’re a kinky little one.”

She shoved him back to the ground and stood up. “To bad you’ll never know.”

He grinned. “You wanna bet?”

***


Spike walked out the guest bedroom and back down the hall way. This night sure wasn’t going as planned but then again when did things involving Buffy ever go as planned? For now he was just content with the fact that she was back. Nothing other than that really mattered.

He found her resting with her eyes closed, baby in her arms, obviously nursing underneath a pink frilly blanket. He had never envied a baby so much.

He cleared his throat and smiled when she jumped a little and started to blush. “Sorry luv didn’t mean to startle you, I just wanted to let you know that if you were ready to call it a night, the guest room is ready when you are. Can I get you anything? A drink perhaps?”

She smiled at him. “Thanks but that’s okay. Emma’s practically asleep again. I should really lay her down.”

He nodded. “Second door on your left, Willow left her playpen here last time she came to visit, so I set that up for you in there.”

“Thank you Spike. Looks like you thought of everything.” He glanced away as she put the baby back into the carrier and fixed her t-shirt.

“Yeah, everything.”

***

He couldn’t sleep. He had been lying here flat on his back for the last two hours and was just about ready to drug himself when he heard a slight knock on his bedroom door.

The door opened without him having to say a word and he wasn’t surprised to see Buffy standing there in his door way. In nothing but his t-shirt and a pair of panties. “Spike?”

“Yeah, luv?” He asked as he heard her tiny feet slap across the hard wood of his apartment floor.

“Why didn’t you ask me about the bruise?” He barely heard her question it was spoken so quietly and he felt the bed dip as she got under the covers next to him.

“I figured you’d tell me when you were ready.” He said as he scooted closer to her, seeking her body heat and the feel of her.

“He hit me.” She whispered. “He hits me.”

Spike shook his head and wondered how she always ended up with the wrong guy. He was to upset to speak and he went rigid when he felt her warm body press into his very obviously naked one.

“Spike?” She waited for a beat for his reply and than continued anyway. “Kiss me.”

Who was he to argue with a lady?
Chapter 5: Color Blind by mrsdarling
Chapter 5: Color Blind

‘I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white’


She was soft… so soft…so right.

Her skin on his.

Bodies pressed so tightly together he could hardly breathe.

Her golden hair in his face.

Her legs surrounding him.

Taking him in.

Holding him tight.

Her perfect body moving in perfect unison with his.

‘Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready’


How could he have forgotten the way she tasted, the way she smelled? How could he have her now and let her go in the morning.

The answer was simple.

He couldn’t.

‘I am
Taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside’


‘I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.’ His inner voice screams.

Tears on his cheeks, in her hair.

‘You were supposed to come back for me! How could you? I loved you.’ His heart yells so loud, he is disappointed she can’t hear it. ‘I don’t want to be strong for you anymore! I want you to be strong for me! I NEED you to be strong for me!’

‘I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am fine’


‘Why do you do this to me?’ His soul cries.

“William what’s wrong?” She asks, she’s scared, she can’t handle him broken. She was always the broken one.

Deciding to ignore her he continues on with his movements. Pressing into her with all of his being. Trying to pretend that she was his to have. Trying to pretend that she stilled loved him.

Because she had loved him.

‘I am
Covered in skin
No one gets to come in’


And for tonight he would pretend that she still did.

“William….baby….shhhhh…don’t cry.” She was crying now and he kisses her tears.

‘Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding’


This was real. She was real. She was the only thing that mattered.

She was the only thing that ever mattered.

If she left him now he was convinced he would cease to be.

‘I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white’


~+~

“You don’t know anything about me!”

“I know everything about you!”

“No, you know nothing about me-”

‘Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am fine’


“It’s killing me inside because I know too much! So don’t tell me that I don’t know you because I do! I do know!-”

“No!”

“I know that you cry yourself to sleep and that you hate being alone.”

~+~

“William.” He couldn’t stop crying and neither could she, knowing that this might be the last time they were ever together, knowing that she would eventually have to leave.

She clung to him like a lifeline.

~+~

“I know that you hate scary movies and that you don't like tomatoes.”

~+~


She didn’t bother asking why he was upset again. She got it now. He had always been so easy to read, one of those people who wore their soul on their sleeve and prayed that it would stay intact.

~+~

“I know that your toes go numb when you cum and were 14 when you had your first kiss.”

~+~

She hated herself for using him like this. She hated herself for not being stronger, but she needed him, she had always needed him.

~+~

“I know that you have a different favorite color for every day of the week and that your favorite song is Just like Jesse James and you don’t know why”

~+~

She couldn’t remember feeling this way in a long time. Like he was her redemption and damnation and she was happy for it.

It was like they had never been apart.

~+~

“I know that you can’t stand The Beatles and you hate taking showers. I know that you love reading poetry and you keep a stash of trashy romance novels hidden in your closet. I know that you dream of a day when a white night will come sweep you off your feet and carry you away from all this… this bull shit.”

~+~

Closing his eyes tightly he got lost in her body.

Lost in the feel of her.

Lost in the essence of her.

~+~

“I know that you love me…even though you’d never admit it and I know you. I know you better than I know myself. Your all I ever want to know.”

~+~

And then they were spiraling out of control, lost in a world not of their own. The only thing they were conscious of was their desire to love and be loved.

*****

Buffy woke with a start, looking around she couldn’t help but smile at the man who was lying next to her. The night before had been earth shattering and just thinking about it she felt short of breath. She had to stop herself from reaching out to him. Getting out of bed as quietly as possible she grabbed her pajamas up off the floor and tip-toed back into the guest room.

Checking on the baby and than checking the clock on the night stand she saw that she had been in his room for a little less than 4 hours.

It was time to go. The last thing she wanted was to be there when he woke up.

She found the phone book in the kitchen and called for a cab..

She decided to shower when she got to her moms. She wanted to get out of his suite as quickly as possible she threw her stuff together and carried her suitcases to the door one by one, waking the baby up and putting her in her carrier last.

When everything was ready to go her suitcases loaded into the cab, baby carrier in hand, she stood at the door, some unforeseen force unrelenting and cruel, gluing her feet to the ground.

Tears came unbidden.

If it was possible this was even harder than leaving him the first time.

She rushed back into the bed room, needing to see him one last time, needing to touch him but stopped short when Emma started to fuss.

Not wanting the baby to wake him she rocked the carrier gently. The door closed with an imperceptible click as she walked out of his life once again.
Chapter 6: All falls down by mrsdarling
Chapter 6: All falls down

Buffy stood nervously in front of her mother’s house. She knew what she would say, it’s what she always said, “Men don’t change Buffy and us women need to learn to stop trying to change them.”

The worst part of it was Buffy knew her mother was right. A part of her had always known she was right, you grow up with an abusive bastard and than you marry one, you come to the conclusion fairly easily that there is nothing that you can ever do to change a man.

But that didn’t stop Buffy from standing out on the front porch of her mothers’ house, bags all around her and sleeping baby at her feet. Frozen in place, too scared to move and too scared to leave.

Buffy jumped when the front door was flung open and lovely older woman came flying at her. “You’ve been standing out here for ages and I’ve just about had enough.” Her mother scolded as she kissed her lightly on the cheek and than bent down to see to the baby.

“You slept with him didn’t you.”

“Yes.”

“Good girl.”

Buffy shook her head at her mother’s antics. She had always loved Spike and Buffy knew that she had hidden motives in getting him to pick her up from the airport when her mothers’ sister lived right across the street from L.A X.

“Let’s take this little rendezvous to the backyard. I just made a pitcher of Pina Colada and I feel like a dip in the pool. Come along now sweetheart. I’ll get this beautiful little baby and you can grab the bags.” Joyce Summers grinned as she picked up her granddaughter and called back over her shoulder, “I’ll keep an eye on the baby you go upstairs and change into your suit.” Not waiting for an answer Joyce fled into the kitchen.

Buffy sighed as she struggled getting her bags up the stairs. Did her mother ever get tired? She was always so full of joy and was bursting at the seems with this lust for life. She wondered where she got all of her energy. She was twenty some-odd years younger and didn’t have that kind of zest for life. Truth be told she was sick of it already.

Getting to her room she cringed at the idea of a bathing suit. She still wasn’t as slim as she had once been and she’d be lying if she said it didn’t bother her. She would just have to come to terms with the thought that she would never be a size 2 again.

Pulling out a modest tankini she quickly slipped it on thanking God that she had thought to pack it. Grabbing her sunglasses and a bottle of SPF 50 for the baby she quickly trotted back downstairs.

“Well mother you haven’t changed much about the place.” Buffy remarked as she walked into the kitchen smiling when she saw her mother. She was in a tiny black bikini walking back and forth humming a lullaby as Emma frowned at her. Only her mother could pull off a bikini at the age of 50.

“Why change a good thing, darling? Now my drink is melting so let’s get outside and talk. I know you have so much to tell me. Grab the drinks dear and hurry I am just dying to know what its like to sleep with the one of worlds most wanted bachelors.”

“Mother!”

“What? I’m old not dead. Now grab those drinks will you.”

“Don’t forget Emma’s hat mom.”

“I know Elizabeth. I was a mother once too, you know?”

“Imagine that.”

“Smart ass.”

“Mother! Language. You’d think I raised you not the other way around.” Her only response was the screen door closing and her mother’s laughter and Buffy found herself smiling too. If one thing was for sure, life with that woman was never dull.

Grabbing the glasses in one hand and the pitcher in the other she hurried out to the backyard to see her mother placing Emma into a play pen and making sure she was in the shade of the covered patio before she went out on the deck and grabbed a few chairs.

Having a peek at Emma she quickly followed her mother, plopping down in a chair and setting the beverages on a glass table that was conveniently placed in between the chairs.

“Nice shiner.” Her mother remarked before pouring herself a glass.

“I fell.”

“Bull shit. I’m your mother don’t lie to me. You must have forgotten I had a husband who hit me too.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Pah! Same dance different circumstance. It is the same, whether you see it or not…well that’s your own choice.”

“He loves me.”

“Your world is going to be a much nicer place when you realize that he really doesn’t.” Joyce looked at her daughter, really looked at her and didn’t like what she saw. She knew that this was somehow her fault. Knew that Buffy had suffered through years of abuse because of her, because she wasn’t strong enough to stand up and say no…to stand up and get help. She knew that and that was something she would have to live with for the rest of her life but now there was something she could do about it and there was no way on Gods green earth that she would ever let her daughter or granddaughter suffer the monstrosities that she had to. She would die first.

“Just leave it alone mom.”

“Buffy Anne Summer I will not. Now you will listen to me. I have been quiet long enough! I spent my entire married life despising my husband because he hurt me and playing it off with the lie that he loved me. But you don’t hit the ones you love Buffy. It’s impossible you can’t do it!-”

“Mom, I-”

“Listen! You don’t even know how much I hate myself for not leaving your father sooner. For subjecting you to that but if you don’t leave now think about what it’s going to do to your daughter. Stop being a coward and get up and serve that bastard with divorce papers, press charges, request a restraining order!”

“Are you finished?”

“Not nearly-”

“Let me ask you this first then… why does every man I ever let in hurt me? The problem isn’t with them mom. It’s with me. It must be. Daddy, Angel, and I’m sure every man I am ever going to be with for the rest of my life. Something within me provokes them, makes them act that way. That’s the only logical explanation.” Buffy wouldn’t dare look at her mother, knowing what she’d see in her eyes and knowing that it would just make her break down further.

“You are wrong. You are flat out wrong. They are sick perverse individuals who get off on hitting women. That is the only logical explanation, Buffy. It’s nothing that you did and it’s nothing you could ever do. A man should never hit a woman Buffy. Never. Period. I know that now, I only wish I would have known it when it really mattered.

“I made a lot of mistakes in my life, Buffy. But my mistakes don’t have to be yours. You are a beautiful, intelligent, vibrant young woman and you deserve a hell of a lot better than anything Liam O’Connor could ever give to you.”

“Mom-” She was trying so hard not to let herself fall apart but all she could sit there and do was bawl behind her Gucci sunglasses and pray that there was truth to what her mother was telling her.

“He has no right to ever make you do anything you don’t want to do. He has no right to force you into anything. No one can tell you what to do Buffy. There is nothing wrong with you, there is nothing provoking, or ugly, or unlovable about you and there has been a man that has tried time and time again to prove that to you Buffy. But there is something I have grown to see that after an abusive relationship we come to believe that it’s normal, especially someone like you who grew up with it, and we grow to crave it. To need it, because it’s all we’ve ever known. Its like drugs, at times they feel so good and other times they make you feel like hell but they are always bad for you.

“I know that sometimes he can be so good and others he can hurt you real bad but it’s all abuse just the same and it is never ever okay.”

“So why can’t I stop, mom? Why can’t I tell him no? Why do I let him do those things to me? Why do I let him hurt me?” Buffy cried.

“Because you love him and you want to fix him but baby…he can’t be fixed. He will always be that way and when you come to accept that is when you’ll be able to walk away.”

Getting up while wiping tear track off her cheeks she excused herself and went back into the house, needing a minute to re-group herself.

She didn’t like the person she was quickly becoming or maybe it was the person she had always been. When you strip everything away from a person the only thing left is the person they are so terrified of seeing. She didn’t know what she was going to do about Angel. She didn’t know what she was going to do about Spike. All she knew at that point was she wanted out. A chance to start over…a new beginning.

And for the next week she was going to stay in California. She was going to give herself sometime to figure out what she wanted and what was best for her and her daughter…after that…well she was hoping that things might just fall into place.

“Sorry I put such a damper on the conversation out there. I didn’t mean to upset you, baby but I don’t like to see you hurt.” She jumped when she heard her mother’s voice not noticing that she had come in.

“No mom, don’t be. You spoke truth and I needed to hear it. Thank you,” She stood up and crossed the floor needing the arms of her mother, needing to feel her strength and the reassurance that everything would be okay.

“Enough of this serious talk! I want to know how William is in bed!”

She snorted at her mother’s change of subject and cringed at the idea of discussing details of her personal sex life with her mother. Thanking God when the door bell rang.

“I’ll get it. Why don’t you make us a couple Margaritas mama?” Buffy was out of the kitchen like a shot, tying her hair up in a bun as she padded barefoot to the front door. Swinging it open and wishing she hadn’t she frowned, “What are you doing here?”

“Well ‘ello cutie. I missed you too.”

Her frown deepened. He was grinning…why was he grinning? “And I repeat why are you here?”

“Thought I’d stop by and see your mum. How is she by the way? Mind if I come in, luv?” He asked as she tried to block him from coming inside.

“Actually I don’t think that would be-”

“Well speak of the devil! If it isn’t William Giles! We were just talking about you!” Joyce ran up to the door and pushed her daughter to the side as she wrapped Spike in a hug and kissed his cheek. “My oh my have you grown up! Come in, come in I was just making some margaritas I know that you wouldn’t let a couple beautiful ladies drink alone, now would you.”

Buffy cringed as she saw her mother take off her sarong and smack Spikes ass with it as she followed him into the kitchen. Yeah…no more margaritas for mom.

“Of course not Mrs. Summers, now that would be rude of me.” He said and threw a wink back at Buffy as she rolled her eyes.

“Oh please William! I have asked you so many times to call me Joyce! Mrs. Summers makes me feel so old.” Buffy snorted and thought to herself, ‘rightfully so. You are old.’

Going back out onto the patio to check on Emma, Buffy wasn’t surprised when they followed her out there.

“Thank you so much for picking Buffy up for me. I hope it wasn’t too much trouble I don’t know what I would have done without you.” Her mother said sweetly as she batted her eyelashes at Spike and he gave her a devilish smirk. Buffy felt like vomiting, there was nothing like your mother flirting with your ex lover.

“Anything for you Joyce Buffy was a bit fickle at first but she warmed up quite nicely.” He said the hidden meaning blatant as he chuckled slightly at Buffy’s blush.

“Good to hear.”

Emma picked that moment to start fussing and Buffy was thankful for the distraction. Her mother and Spike had always loved each other and they had always shared a special bond, she had never had a problem with it till now.

“I think I’ll leave you two out here to talk, I really need to go feed Emma.” Getting up and heading back inside Buffy was relieved when she heard the conversation take a turn toward Spikes career.

~+~

“She’s beautiful.” Buffy looked up and was surprised to see Spike leaning against the doorway. “Sorry I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“No, its okay. Thanks” She watched him carefully as he came to sit next to her.

“Can I hold her?” He asked quietly not daring to look into Buffy’s eyes. He was far from admitting it but waking up without her there was like a knife to his gut and truth be told he really hadn’t forgiven her for it yet.

“Sure.” Carefully she placed the sleeping baby in his arms marveling at the great care he took not to jostle her to much.

“Emma…right?” He said while looking down at said little girl with what Buffy could only describe as ‘awe’.

“Yeah.”

“She looks just like her mother.” He grinned. “Has your nose.”

“Unfortunately. She’ll never forgive me when she gets to high school.”

“I think your nose is downright adorable! It gives your face character. S’cute like a button.”

She giggled. “You would say that.”

The atmosphere around them changed in an instant as he looked at her with sad eyes. “Is it wrong if I say that I wish she were mine?”

On the verge of a heart attack she whispered quietly “Is it wrong if I sometimes wish that too?”

He leaned down and kissed Emma so sweetly on the forehead that for a moment she wished she could have been that baby. She wished she was the one in his arms, the one on the other end of that look of awe.

“I still can’t believe you’re a mum.” He said changing the subject.

“Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe myself but then there are times where it feels like we've been together forever. Being a mother is so fulfilling, so amazing, you’ll understand what I mean someday. To have someone so dependent on you and you alone, it’s very humbling. It makes me step back and appreciate my own mother.” She looked at him and made up her mind to broach the elephant in the room.

“Last night… I shouldn’t have…” she stuttered.

“Don’t. Please just… not now. Not when I am so thoroughly enjoying this moment with this precious little girl. Don’t ruin it.” He wouldn’t even look at her and she resisted the urge to jump up onto her feet and start yelling at him.

He was always so…so infuriating! Why couldn’t he just hate her! Why did he have to care? Why did he have to hold her daughter with such love and tenderness and stare at her like the sun and the moon rose and set with her? When Angel had never even dared to pick her up!

She had never been so jealous of a baby.

“I see you fuming over there, luv. I will fight with you in a moment but for now let me have this. Let me pretend for just a moment that she is mine and you are mine and this is our happy little life… That you stayed. Just let me pretend for a little while.”

And just like that all of her anger evaporated. She had nothing to say, so she sat perfectly still and let him.
Chapter 7: Mercy in the Middle by mrsdarling
Chapter Seven- Mercy in the Middle

“She must have been exhausted.” Joyce whispered as she entered her living room to find both of her little girls asleep, each one of their blonde heads resting on Spikes shoulders. She couldn’t help but wonder why things turned out they way they did. It wasn’t right!

This… this was right.

Spike smiled at her, “That would be my fault.”

She laughed quietly, “You devil!” She was glad; glad he was here for Buffy. No, it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to him, he deserved better. He deserved more than the love of a married woman who couldn’t tell you what she wanted if her life depended on it.

“She should have stayed, should have married you. That little girl-”

“Don’t Joyce, please, just don’t. I know that this isn’t how things should have happened. I know that she was meant to be mine. I know that this little girl…” He trailed off, tears in his eyes while gazing into the face of his precious Buffy’s little girl.

He swallowed, “But that’s not the way things happened. They aren’t mine, much as I want, or feel like they should be. You know I never thought I would hate another man as much as I hated your husband but life likes to throw little surprises your way every now and again.

“I hate him so much I can taste it and I know if we were ever to come face to face…” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I would kill him.”

Joyce sank down into the chair across from the three on the couch and prayed. She was a Christian woman, she knew with every fiber of her being that there was God and she believed that He could change hearts and guide spirits and that’s what she was asking for.

She knew that William didn’t believe and knew that Buffy thought a higher power was the only explainable answer for some of the things she had witnessed, but Joyce was convinced. There was a God, who was all powerful and she knew to the very depths of her being that prayer did work.

She put her head in her hands and prayed hard. She had to make up for the two who refused.

“You shouldn’t bother Joyce. God isn’t taking request today or any other day for that matter.” Spike whispered not wanting to wake the angels on his shoulders. The women in the room with him were the closest to heaven he’d ever get.

“He listens every day, William. He listens to every prayer, every thought. He see’s every action, every mistake, and every good deed.” Joyce kept her hands tightly clasped together but opened her eyes and studied the man in front of her. He looked tired, looked like he had way more on his shoulders then a young man of his age should ever have to carry around. She didn’t like what she saw.

He laughed and shook his head sadly. “Joyce, how can you believe when you have seen more violence and hate then most people ever see in a lifetime? How can you believe when you have seen with your own eyes your child being abused? Where is this God you speak of? Where was he when Buffy was being beaten by her husband? Huh? Can you answer that? Where was he when you were bed ridden because your husband beat you so bad you couldn’t walk?” He saw her surprised expression. “You thought I didn’t know about that?” He laughed a humorless laugh and looked at her with beseeching eyes. Eyes that begged to be given hope in a world where there was none to be seen.

Joyce took a moment to collect her thoughts and then answered. “He is in the middle. He is the mercy that brings life after the devastating effects of the storm. If there wasn’t a God William, I would have quit a long time ago but because of his mercy and grace I was able to forgive a man for sins committed against me and my daughter, sins I would have never been able to forgive if there wasn’t someone else giving me the strength to do it. If there wasn’t a God, anger and hate would have consumed my life until there was nothing left but a bitter empty shell of a woman. His mercy is bringing me life again and one day he will bring it to Buffy too.”

Spike looked at Joyce Summers, really looked at her and noticed that for the first time she looked happy. Something was different about her, before she had always had sadness about her but now that was gone. He couldn’t explain it but there was a joy unspeakable about her and for the first time he let himself believe that there might just be something out there that was bigger than anything he had ever imagined.

For the first time in his 26 years of life William Giles bowed his head and prayed

~+~
SMASH!!!!

“Fuck you, Spike! Who the hell said you could get the fuck into my business?!?! I told you to stay the fuck away but could you?! Could you?! No! Mother Fucker!”

CRASH!!!!

He winced and rubbed the back of his neck as Buffy preceded to destroy his apartment. There were C.D.’s everywhere, broken glass and sheet music were scattered across the floor and there she stood in the middle of it all, spitting mad and ready to cuss out the world… or at the moment… him.

BANG!!!!

“You just can’t leave it alone can you? What am I supposed to do now huh? What am I supposed to do? He’s gonna kill me! Do you understand that? Are you even fucking listening to me you stupid fucking bastard?!?!”

He ducked as something went flying past his head and ran through the disaster area that was now his living room, and grabbed Buffy around the waist, much to her dismay, fists and cursing. He carried her kicking and screaming to the bedroom and threw her on the bed. He had had enough!

“How can I not fucking hear you?!?! I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole town heard you!” He yelled as he grabbed her by the arms and shook her. “I’m sorry okay! I shouldn’t have shown up, I shouldn’t have said anything to him! I’m sorry! I’ve told you a million times! What is it going to take to get it through your fucking skull?! I’M SORRY!” He pushed her back on the bed and crumpled to the ground. He was done, with this, with her. He wished he had never met her, she was just one fucked up mess, turning his whole life, and his whole world into one big fucked up mess. He hated her.

“I hate you.” He heard her say from the bed, she wasn’t moving and then the worry started. He hurt her, grabbed her to hard, shook her to hard. He was a jerk.

He climbed up on the bed behind her and spooned his body against hers. He kissed her ear, “Didn’t hurt you did I?”

She sniffled and nodded.

“Talk to me baby. Talk to me, I’m so sorry. Tell me where it hurts; tell me how to make it better.” He didn’t want to cry, he wanted to be angry, he wanted to hurt her but the tears were falling unbidden.

Her body started shaking uncontrollably as she tried to hold in the sobs that were trying so hard to find their way out. “You hurt my arm,” she whispered.

Sure enough there was a bruise already forming. He was no better than her screwed up fuck of a father. He wanted to vomit. He had promised he would never hurt her like that. He sat up and moved away from her. He got off the bed and walked out of the room, closing the door on her silent sobbing. He was crazy to think that he could ever fix her. He should have known he would have only hurt her further.

He would never forgive himself.
~+~
“Spike? Spike wake up I need the baby back, she’s hungry.” Buffy woke with a start when she heard the baby start to fuss and was embarrassed when the first thing that she saw was Spike. She didn’t remember falling asleep but damn did it feel good to wake up next to him.

Spike jumped and shook his head before he opened his eyes, smiling shyly before handing the baby back. “Sorry luv must have nodded off there.”

“It’s okay, Emma’s just started getting fussy, I should feed her.” Buffy smiled as she eyed Spike while making a move to pull her shirt up.

He stood up and mumbled something about ‘going to find her mum to ask her about dinner plans.’

Buffy laughed at how breast feeding could terrify a man who had probably sucked on more tits... She frowned, that was not a happy thought.

She started humming as she began to feed her daughter. She loved breast feeding, no it wasn’t the most pleasant feeling in the world and her nipples hurt all the time but it brought her so much joy to know that no one else in the world could take care of this precious little angel like she could. She was the care giver, the belly satisfier, comforter, there was really nothing like being a mom.

“You are so pretty Emma. The most beautiful little girl I have ever laid eyes on. Everything about you is divine magnificence. I can’t believe I made you. Score one for mom! I finally did something right.” She smiled as she ran a finger down her daughters’ smooth alabaster cheek. “No one will ever love you as much I love you.”


Buffy closed her eyes and started to sing softly, “Hush now, close your eyes. Listen close, don’t you cry. I am here, you are safe. You are loved, be unafraid. Quite down little one, you are loved.”

She opened her eyes to see Spike leaning against the door jam. Her heart skipped a beat and she must have moved a bit because Emma jolted out of her blissful state and started crying. Buffy quickly directed her daughter’s mouth back to her breast smiled at Spike and began to sing once more. “Hush now, little love. I’ve got you now, no need to fuss. Look at those tears, they break my heart. Look at that face, how sad thou art. You’re in my arms, little love, no need to fuss.”

Swaying gently she smiled when she felt her daughters breathing start to slow. This was what life was all about. She stopped singing for a moment just wanting to enjoy this time when she heard the melody she had just been singing being picked out on the piano as Spike began to softly sing, “Look at you now, finally asleep. You could not know how much you mean.”

Buffy smiled sadly at him, looked down at her daughter and continued, “A miracle, I have been blessed. I am not perfect, but I’ll try my best.”

“Quite down little one.” He continued.

“You’re in my arms, my little love.” She sang softly.

“I’ll always love my darling one, hush now.” They sang together in unison, eyes locked on the other, baby asleep against her mother’s breast. Spike continued to play, years of practice allowed him to play without watching his hands. She smiled at him, a soft serene look about her.

He was the first to look away as he continued singing. “Hush little baby don’t you cry. Your momma’s gonna sing you a lullaby.”
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