~prologue~

William held his breath as he heard the steps coming closer, praying that somehow, just tonight, Ethan would have forgotten about him. But, as always, the footsteps stopped in the hallway, just outside his bedroom door. He had no idea what he had done wrong this time, what he had done to deserve the usual punishment, but it didn’t matter. There was always something, no matter how hard he tried to be good, the man who had been married to his mother for as long as he could remember would always find a reason.

The door slammed open, so hard that it hit the wall behind and left a mark. He closed his eyes, knowing that he would be punished for that as well, even though it wasn’t his fault. The man would find a way to blame it on him, he always did. Resisting the urge to hide under the covers, knowing that hiding would only make things worse, he just lay there in bed, waiting for what he knew was about to come. It was the same thing almost every night, and tonight would be no different.

His stepfather; Ethan Rayne, sat down on the bed next to him. William could smell the alcohol, coming off him in waves, and didn’t know whether or not he should be relieved. He was only ten years old, but he had long since learned the meaning of being drunk. It could mean that the man was too tired to do things properly and would speed things up, wanting to get it over with so he could go to bed. But he also knew that the alcohol sometimes effected his stepfather’s temper in a bad way. He could be lucky and get away easy. But the years of experience told him that it wasn’t likely.

The first blow came as a total surprise, causing him to accidentally bite his tongue. He could feel the blood, both in his mouth and from the way it started trickling down his nose, but he didn’t register the pain. However, the fear caused his heart to start beating faster. The fact that Ethan had started hitting him without even explaining why was not a good sign; usually the man made a big show of letting him know what he was being punished for this time, the exact reason for every single punch, so that he would remember not to make the same mistakes again.

Another hard blow caused him to gasp for air, but apart from that, he remained silent. He would never give Ethan the satisfaction of seeing him cry, besides, he had learned the hard way that showing any sign of pain or fear would only make the punishment worse. Finally, the hitting stopped, and he felt relief welling up inside him. It hadn’t been too bad this time, only a few punches. He would probably be able to go to school again in a couple of days, not having to stay home a whole week like last time.

Then he heard the familiar sound of a zipper being pulled down, and the relief he had been feeling only moments before quickly got replaced with despair. He had been wrong, it was far from over. It was only the beginning…

***

~10 years later~

Spike Pratt reached for the bottle, quickly downing his third beer. The bartender glanced at him, but then turned his attention back to mixing his drinks. Spike looked around the room, debating with himself if he should leave, or order another beer. However, judging by the look the guy behind the bar had given him, he probably wouldn’t be allowed to order anything more, anyway. Sighing, he got up, turned around to leave, and accidentally bumped into two men about his age. They had each been carrying a drink, and now he cursed loudly when he realized that the contents in their glasses had splashed all over his black leather duster.

“Oh bollocks!” He glared at the guy closest to him. “Would you bloody watch where you’re going, you stupid wanker!”

The young man looked terrified, nervously mumbling an apology. It was something vaguely familiar about him, and Spike realized that the guy obviously recognized him as well. He had only lived in the states for two years, but had already earned himself quite a reputation. For a moment, he considered punching the little ponce, just to make a point, but decided against it. Instead he started to leave, but unfortunately, the guy’s much taller friend would have none of that.

Crossing his arms over his chest, the tall, blond guy did his best to look intimidating. “Hey, it was your fault, man! Apologize to my friend.”

Spike raised a brow. “Excuse me?”

The nervous guy gulped, and grabbed his friend’s arm. “It’s no big deal, Riley. Let’s just go.” He lowered his voice to a whisper; “Don’t you know who he is?”

Riley kept his attention on Spike. “Oh, I know exactly who he is. And I think it’s time that someone would teach him a lesson.” He took a step closer, and since he was almost a head taller than Spike, he got a smug look on his face. “Guess what? That someone would be me.”

Spike rolled his eyes, not the least bit frightened. He was a little annoyed though, just for once it would be nice to be able to go out without running into some pathetic loser who wanted a piece of him. He supposed that this night wouldn’t be different from most others. Sighing, he decided to make it quick and be done with it. Before Riley had the chance to even react, Spike punched him in the face, not hard enough to make him go down, but hard enough for blood to start flowing down his face. Yelling in pain, Riley brought his hand up to cover his bleeding nose. “Fuck! I think you broke my nose!”

“You asked for it, mate.” With that, Spike shoved him aside and headed for the exit, fully prepared to deliver another blow should Riley follow him. But obviously the guy had had enough, and he managed to leave the night club without any more inconveniences. Well outside, he decided to go home, intending to take a short cut through the dark alley behind the club. Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t notice the other man until he was just about to walk past him.

The man, who was large with wide shoulders and dark hair, was kneeling on the ground, something that Spike found a little strange. Though he assumed the guy was just drunk, until he suddenly looked up, scrambled to his feet and struggled to pull up his pants. Then Spike noticed the girl. She was trapped in the corner, trembling violently as she desperately tried to cover herself with her arms. She was almost naked.


TBC

It took a moment before Spike’s mind had registered just what it was he had accidentally walked into. The dark-haired man stood up and gave him a smug grin. “Hey, I know you. You wanna have her when I’m done with her?”

Spike looked at him, a cold expression on his face. “You don’t know a bloody thing about me.” He glanced at the girl, deciding that she would be safe for now, and turned his attention back to the man. “Consider yourself lucky, mate.”

The man, whose smile had faltered a little at Spike’s reaction, let out a nervous laugh. “Why’s that?”

“’Cause instead of killing you, I’ll settle for just knocking you unconscious. But if I’ll ever see you near a girl again…” Spike left the rest of the sentence hanging, looking the other man right in the eyes.

Gulping, the man held up his hands in defense. “Come on, man, don’t be like this. I’ve seen you around, you always…” He hesitated. “You don’t care about other people. You just…” Then he swallowed. “Besides, the bitch asked for this, she came out here willingly. I didn’t hurt her.”

Yet, Spike thought grimly as he looked at the blond girl who was still covering in the corner. It only took one look to see that whatever reason she’d had for following the dark-haired man outside, right now she was terrified. He lowered his voice when he addressed her, quietly, not wanting to startle her anymore than she already was. “You wanted this, pet?” She looked up at him then, staring at him with wide eyes before slowly shaking her head. He nodded in confirmation and turned back to the man with a raised brow. “You were saying?”

The man suddenly lost his temper. “This is none of your fucking business! Just get the hell out of here, I’m not afraid of you. And if you’ll ever tell anyone…”

Spike moved so fast, the other man never got a chance to defend himself. The strong blow hit him straight in the face and took him by surprise; he didn’t even let out a cry of pain as he went down, hitting his head on the brick wall behind him and ending up flat on his back. Delivering a series of hard kicks to the fallen man’s stomach, Spike didn’t stop until he heard a loud, cracking sound and knew that he must have hit a rib. Then he stepped back, panting, and watched the now unconscious man with disgust.

Suddenly he remembered the girl, and turned away from the bleeding man on the ground. Approaching her slowly, he realized that she had yet to move an inch. She was still huddling against the wall, having witnessed his violent actions and was now watching him with fear in her eyes. He stopped when she let out a small whimper, tears rolling down her cheeks. Her voice was nothing more than a whisper when she finally spoke, her entire body shaking with fear. “Please, don’t hurt me…”

He froze in his tracks, staring at her in confusion. Then he realized that she wasn’t just trembling from the aftermath of the attempted rape. She was terrified of him as well.


*~*~*

Buffy Summers hadn’t wanted to go to the local night club; The Bronze, that night in the first place. In fact, when her cousin, Faith, first suggested it, Buffy had simply refused to go. But Faith was known for being very persistent when there was something she really wanted, and tonight had been no exception. So, less than an hour later, the two girls were happily taking over the dance floor, and much to her surprise, Buffy soon found herself having a good time.

To tell the truth, the reason why she had enjoyed the night out as much as she did was mostly because of the attention she had gotten from the male population of the club. And she knew that the outfit she had chosen for herself - a short, black leather skirt and a tight, green halter neck top, showing a lot of her tanned skin - had much to do with it. She had been dancing back and forth with a couple of different guys, ignoring the annoyed looks she had received from some of the other girls, when he had walked up to her. Liam Angelus. Angel.

She’d had a crush on the tall, dark-haired, handsome man all through high school, but he had never even looked her way. Until tonight, that was. So when he had given her a sexy smile and asked her if she wanted to dance, Buffy had been thrilled. They had been dancing, slowly, to a couple of songs when Angel had suggested that they would head out to ‘get some fresh air’. Too happy at finally being noticed by the man of her dreams, Buffy hadn’t suspected anything when he led her back to the dark alley until it was already too late.

He had started kissing her fiercely, almost violently, and she didn’t object at first, even though the whole situation for some reason suddenly felt very wrong. Eventually, she had tried to pull back a little, nervously asking him to take things a little slower. He had just laughed. Telling her that he was going to fuck her and that there would be nothing she could do about it. To shocked to even scream, she had just started sobbing quietly when he ripped off her clothes. Never before had she been in a situation where she didn’t have full control, so instead of screaming, or fighting to get free, she had just broken down. Then he had shown up.

Buffy knew who Spike was, of course, everybody did. But nobody seemed to really know him, and wherever he would show up, he was always alone. She was certain that she had never seen him back in school, although she assumed that he was probably a couple of years older than her. There were rumors going around that he was from England, that he had been in jail for killing someone, and that he had moved to Sunnydale after his parents had kicked him out. Buffy wasn’t sure of how much truth lied in those rumors, but Spike was definitely the last person she wanted to meet in a dark alley. But here they were.

She had watched in shock as Spike started beating on her attacker, and first when Angel had stopped moving, he had backed off. Then he started towards her, and the relief of being rescued was quickly replaced with terror. Would Spike hurt her as well? Would he just take over where Angel had left off? Not able to keep the tears from falling, all she could think of was pleading with him to leave her alone. She inhaled shakily. “Please, don’t hurt me…”


TBC

Spike wasn’t stupid; he was well aware of the rumors going around about him. Most people in Sunnydale simply avoided him, and it suited him just fine. He didn’t need any friends, hell, he didn’t want any. Also, knowing that people were afraid of him felt pretty good. But for some reason, seeing this tiny girl practically tremble with fear in front of him gave him no such satisfaction. He stopped a few feet away and knelt beside her so they would be on the same level. “Don’t be afraid, I’m not gonna hurt you.” She eyed him warily, not saying anything, and he went on; “What’s your name, pet?”

The girl swallowed hard. “Buffy.”

He nodded. “Right. Listen, Buffy, my name is Spike. I’m gonna help you, all right?” He shrugged out of his coat, then frowned as she mumbled something. “What’s that, luv?”

She repeated her words, louder this time. “I know who you are.”

Spike didn’t know what to say to that, so he remained silent. Luckily, she was obviously not in the mood for any deeper conversation. He slowly got a little closer, but stopped again as she flinched back, and raised his hands in a none threatening manner. “It’s all right, I was just… Here.” He held out his leather duster towards her, and was relieved when she accepted it after only a moment’s hesitation.

Wrapping the coat around herself, she mumbled a thank you. Then she glanced over at her attacker, still lying unconscious on the ground a couple of feet away. She let out a shaky breath. “Is he dead?”

Spike looked at the other man as well, then turned back to Buffy. “No. But next time he’ll probably think twice before attacking someone.” Then he paused. “Let’s get you home now, okay?” He offered her his hand, and for a moment, she just looked at him. Spike sighed. “It’s okay. Just take my hand, I’ll help you.”

Buffy hesitated, then nodded. She accepted Spike’s hand and allowed him to slowly pull her to her feet. Then she felt a sharp pain in her ankle, and let out a soft cry. Spike gave her a worried look. “What’s wrong?”

She bit her lip to keep from screaming with pain. “I think I twisted my ankle when... It really hurts.” Tears started welling up in her eyes again.

Spike dropped to his knees beside her and gently ran his hand over her ankle, trying to feel if anything seemed to be broken.. “Think you’ll be okay, doesn’t look too bad.” He got up. “But I’ll drop you off at the hospital, just to make sure.”

“Not the hospital!” Buffy gave him a pleading look, her bottom lip trembling. “Please… They’ll call my parents, I don’t want them to…” A sob escaped from her throat.

Sighing, Spike closed his eyes for a second. He had no idea what to do. If Buffy didn’t want her parents to know what happened, then he couldn’t take her home, either. Only one thing to do then. It was probably a bad idea, but he didn’t really have much choice. Not like he could just walk away and leave her there. With his mind made up, he gave her an assuring smile. “Right. No hospital. Okay, um…” He hesitated. “Just trust me now, okay pet?“

Buffy gave him a suspicious look, then looked down at her hands before nodding. “I trust you.” Spike watched her closely to see if she meant it, then nodded and gently scoped her up in his arms. He felt her tense up at first and was just about to let her down again when she seemed to relax. After a moment’s hesitation, she put her arms around his neck and rested her head against his shoulder.


*~*~*

Buffy slowly got up from the couch, realizing much to her relief that the pain in her ankle wasn’t as bad as it had been earlier. She supposed she had been lucky after all. Now she looked around the small apartment, silently wondering what was taking Spike so long. As soon as they had gotten back to his place, he had offered her one of his t-shirts and a pair of sweat pants, both black, and she had reluctantly given him back his duster. The clothes he had given her were clean, but the duster had smelled of him, and for some reason, wearing it had felt good. Safe.

She had meant what she said when she told Spike that she trusted him. She couldn’t explain it, but when she had looked into his eyes, she just knew that he wouldn’t hurt her. After what had happened with Angel, she would have thought that she would never be able to trust another man again. But Spike was different. She didn’t know how she knew that, she just did. Sure, he had beaten the hell out of Angel, and a part of her still felt almost sickened by the brutality of his actions. But he had been nothing but kind to her.

However, when Spike walked up behind her and gently put his hand on her shoulder, she let out a scream and nearly jumped through the roof. He immediately took a step back and gave her an apologetic look. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

Clutching her hand to her chest, Buffy swallowed as she waited for her heart to slow down. Beyond embarrassed, she put on a strained smile. “It’s okay, I’m fine.” She blushed. “Sorry for screaming like that. I guess I’m still a bit jumpy.”

Spike nodded. “I understand. Here.” He held out a cup of hot beverage, which she gratefully accepted.

Sniffing its contents, Buffy took a small sip. “Mm. Hot chocolate. Great, thanks.” Then she smiled a little. “And little marshmallows. I love those.”

He shrugged, and it was his turn to look embarrassed. “Thought you would.”

Buffy took another sip, then looked around the room again. “I like your place. It’s nice.” She frowned a little when he didn’t answer, but then limped over to the couch and sat back down. It was a nice apartment, but for some reason it seemed a little sterile. It took a moment before she realized why. The furniture were all nice and classical, some of them even looking quite expensive, but the room seriously lacked of personality. Over at the far wall was a small book case, but apart from a few books, it was empty. A place like that would be perfect for keeping framed photographs of your family and loved ones, but there was nothing. She found that a bit strange, but didn’t want to overstep her bounds by asking.

She snapped out of her thoughts when Spike cleared his throat. “Um, you wanna call someone? Let them know you’re okay?”

Buffy thought about it, knowing that her parents wouldn't miss her since she had told them she would spend the night at Faith's. For a moment she considered calling Faith and tell her what happened, then changed her mind. She shook her head. “No, it’s okay.”

He nodded in acceptance. “All right. Do you…?” He hesitated for a moment. “It’s getting late, you must be tired.” Suddenly he looked nervous. “You, um… Will you be okay, sleeping on the couch?”

“Yeah, sure, couch is just fine.” Buffy desperately tried to hold back a yawn, but failing miserably. She really was exhausted.

Spike gave her a small smile. “Great. I’ll get you a blanket and some pillows.” He looked like he was going to say something more, then obviously decided against it. He was just about to leave the room when she called out for him, softly.

"Spike?" He stopped by the doorway, turning around to look at her. "Thank you."


TBC

After leaving Buffy on the couch, Spike closed the door behind him and went over to his bed. He picked up a small bottle from the nightstand, opened it, and shook out a couple of pills which he quickly swallowed down without any water. Then he lay down, knowing that it wouldn’t really make a difference if he took the pills or not. The dreams would still come. But at least he’d be able to get some sleep. He closed his eyes with a sigh, and felt himself starting to drift away.


William had locked the door. He didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of that before, maybe it had just seemed too easy. But now he was safe; Ethan wouldn’t be able to get inside, and therefor wouldn’t be able to hurt him. He would just have to remember to lock the door before he’d go to bed from now on, then everything would be okay.

As he was sitting in his bed, he could hear the familiar sound of footsteps coming up the stairs, stopping just outside the door. He saw the door handle move. Once. Twice. Then there was silence, and he held his breath. A moment later, he heard the steps again, but this time they were heading away from his room. He slumped back against the pillows with a sigh of relief. It had worked! Ethan had realized that he wouldn’t be able to get to him tonight, so he had given up and left.

He closed his eyes, relaxing for what felt like the first time in days, and tried to go to sleep. The bruises from the last beating had almost faded by now, which meant that he would be able to go to school again tomorrow. That was a relief; he had been gone for almost a week now and was starting to seriously fall behind. If he wouldn’t be able to catch up, his teacher would call his mother. She never laid a hand on him, but she would tell Ethan. And Ethan would punish him.

Just when he was about to fall asleep, he heard it. The sound of a screwdriver, or possibly a hair pin, furiously picking inside the simple lock. Then there was a loud, clicking sound as the lock gave in, which made him feel sick to his stomach. The door opened, slowly. Ethan was standing there, and the last thing William remembered from that night was the cruel grin on the man’s face. He didn’t go to school the next day after all. In fact, it took almost another week before he was able to walk again. And that was the one and only time he ever locked the door.



*~*~*

For the last couple of hours, Buffy had been tossing and turning on the couch, not able to find a comfortable position. It wasn’t because of the couch, the couch was just fine. It was just that every time she closed her eyes, she would see Angel’s face and hear him saying how he was going to fuck her. But she was safe now, Angel couldn’t hurt her here. In fact, he had hardly been able to hurt her at all, thanks to Spike. And after what Spike had done to him tonight, Angel would probably not even dare looking at her again. So she really didn’t have anything to worry about. But still, she couldn’t sleep.

She found herself thinking about Spike, realizing that she didn’t really know him at all. It was strange; most people in town were terrified of him, but being in his arms had made her feel more safe than she could remember ever being before. He had been so kind to her, all those rumors couldn’t possibly be true. Sure, he had done quite a number on Angel, but there was obviously a softer side to him as well. Not to mention the fact that he was absolutely gorgeous, although she couldn’t remember ever falling for the ‘bad boy’ image before. Maybe they could get to know each other, becoming friends even. She would like that.

Yawning, she closed her eyes again. Then she heard a cracking sound, and her eyes snapped open. What was that? Was there someone else in the apartment? She glanced over to the door, leading into Spike’s bedroom, wondering if she had fallen asleep after all and missed him getting up. But the door was closed. She let out the breath she had been holding. Maybe she had just been imagining things. She sighed and tried to relax. After listening closely for a couple of minutes, she once again closed her eyes.

'I don’t think so, sweetheart. You see, I’m gonna fuck you, and you’re just gonna shut up and enjoy my cock slamming into your sweet little pussy…'

Buffy jumped up from the couch with a strangled scream. She had heard Angel’s voice as clearly had he been right there in the same room. For a moment, she thought she heard something again. What if Angel hadn’t been scared off by Spike after all? Was it possible that he had followed them here, somehow managing to sneak inside, and had just been waiting for Spike to go to bed and leave her here, all alone and vulnerable on the couch? What if he had come here to finish what he had started?

Buffy usually didn’t scare easily. But what had happened earlier tonight had shaken her, badly, and she wasn’t thinking rationally. She considered calling out for Spike, but decided against it. She wasn’t completely pathetic after all. Sighing, she forced herself to lay back down on the couch. Of course Angel wasn’t here, that was just ridiculous. It was most likely that he wouldn’t even remember what happened when he woke up. Now she would go to sleep, and tomorrow things wouldn’t seem so…

This time she definitely heard a noise from the kitchen, almost as if someone was moving around in there. It couldn’t be Spike, because the door to his room was still closed and she would have heard if he had gotten up. It was a big house, lots of people living there, and whatever it was she had heard could easily have come from the apartment next door, or upstairs. But that thought never even occurred to her as she jumped up and fled towards Spike’s room.


TBC

Even before he had fully woken up, Spike was aware of the fact that someone had just entered his bedroom. His eyes snapped open and he looked around the room in panic. With the memories of the latest nightmare still fresh in his mind, it took a moment before he realized that he wasn’t back in his old bedroom in London, that in fact years had passed since he had last been there. His heart was beating painfully hard in his chest until his eyes landed on the blond girl in the doorway. “Buffy?”

Buffy took a couple of steps closer and when she spoke, the relief in her voice was obvious. “Oh, you’re awake. I knocked, but…”

“What the bloody hell are you doing here?!”

She stopped, taken aback by his anger. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…” Then she took a shuddering breath. “I thought I heard something…”

Spike glared at her, the coldness in his eyes startling her. “No, that’s not... You’re in my room! You don’t get to be here.”

Buffy swallowed, both confused and shocked by Spike’s sudden change in behavior; she had witnessed some of his violent reactions before but this was the first time it was directed at her. “I…”

“Get out.”

She had to bite her lip to keep the tears from falling. “Spike, I’m sorry… I heard something and I freaked out, maybe it was just a nightmare…”

“Yeah?” He interrupted her, not giving her a chance to finish the sentence. “Nightmare, huh? Tell you what. When you’ve had the same fucking nightmare for the last ten years, let me know, and I’ll be happy to finish this conversation. Until then, get the hell out of my room!”

Too stunned to even move, Buffy remained where she was. “What are you…?”

In a sudden fit of rage, Spike grabbed the closest object he could find, which happened to be an empty beer bottle standing on the night stand, and with violent force made it crash into the wall, not too far away from where she was standing. “Sod off, you stupid bint!” He ignored her startled gasp as she started to back away. “Get. The. Fuck. OUT!” Buffy turned around abruptly and rushed out of the room.


*~*~*

The first thought that came to Buffy’s mind was leaving and get as far away from Spike’s apartment as possible. But when she reached the front door, she stopped. It was the middle of the night, and the mere thought of walking home alone in the darkness terrified her. She glanced back at the door to Spike’s bedroom. Unable to understand what had just happened, she let out a choked sob. His unexpected outburst had really scared her, no question about it. She didn’t think he would actually hurt her. He could easily have thrown the bottle directly at her, but he hadn’t. Still, for the first time that night, all those rumors about him suddenly didn’t seem so hard to believe in anymore.

Maybe she should’ve just turned around and gone back to the couch, strange noises or not, after she’d knocked on the door and he hadn’t answered. But a part of her knew that even though she had imposed on his personal space, Spike’s violent reaction hadn’t been normal. She had noticed the small bottle of pills on the night stand and wondered if he could possibly be using some kind of drugs. That would surely explain his weird behavior. But for some reason, she didn’t think that was the case. She let out a sigh. It really didn’t matter. She should just try to get some sleep, praying that the morning would come soon so she could go home. Intending to do just that, she went back to the couch, all thoughts of Angel forgotten.


*~*~*

Staring blankly at the spot where Buffy had been, Spike felt himself starting to calm down. The realization of what he had just done was starting to hit him, and he closed his eyes for a brief moment, refusing to let the tears fall. Realizing that someone was inside his room had caused him to panic and for a moment he had been back in his old room, unable to do anything but just lay back and wait for the pain. Then he had realized where he was, and the fear and humiliation had made him snap. But he shouldn’t have lashed out at Buffy, she had done nothing wrong.

She had probably already left, he thought, surely he had managed to scare her away. Some rescuer he was, saving her from a rapist, only to yell at her and scare her half to death. He realized that he would probably never see her again, or if he would see her around some time, she would most likely run the other way, screaming. For some reason, that made him feel sad. He rolled his eyes at himself. Why should he care about what some pretty bird thought of him? Whoa! Pretty?! Since when did he think about girls that way?

He had never allowed himself to fall for someone, not because nobody wanted him, but because he knew what would happen. Sooner or later, the girl would expect them to sleep together, and the mere thought of having sex sickened him. He had heard people saying that with the right person, sex could be wonderful. But he seriously doubted that. To him, the word ‘sex’ meant nothing but pain, threats and disgust. It was okay, though. He had always known that he was destined to go through life alone and unloved. And he didn’t care. He didn’t need anyone. You couldn’t miss what you’d never had.

But yet, for some reason he couldn’t get the thought of Buffy out of his mind. He wondered where she was now, hoping she was okay. Sighing, he lay back down on the bed. He glanced at the pills, considering taking some more so he would be able to go back to sleep, but decided against it. In a few hours, it would be morning. And he really didn’t want any more nightmares tonight. He opened the top drawer in the night stand and pulled out a small CD player. Putting on the headphones, he turned the music on and raised the volume to the max.


*~*~*

A couple of hours later, the sun was up and Spike left his room. He immediately noticed the empty couch. Buffy was gone.



TBC

It had been almost a week since Buffy had spent the night at Spike’s place, and he hadn’t seen her since. Even though he knew it was for the best, for both of them, a part of him couldn’t help but hoping he would run into her again. Of course, he would never admit that, even to himself. Now he was once again sitting at the bar at The Bronze. He wasn’t drunk yet, but he had already had a couple of beers and knew there would most likely be more. Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around. A blond girl, wearing way too much makeup, was standing in front of him and he gave her a questioning look.

The girl smiled and batted her long eyelashes at him, gesturing to the empty bar stool next to him. “Is this seat taken?”

He fought the urge to roll his eyes; the stool was empty, wasn’t it pretty obvious that it wasn’t taken? Letting out a sigh, he shook his head. “Not that I can see.” He turned his attention back to his beer, but the girl didn’t seem to take the hint.

Instead she sat down next to him, her smile widening. “Hi, I’m Harmony. Harmony Kendall.” She reached out her hand in greeting.

Spike gave her a brief look, then took another sip of his beer. “Right.”

Her face fell a little, but she was obviously not ready to give up just yet. “You wanna buy me a drink?”

He finished the beer, then put the empty bottle down on the bar disk. “Don’t think so, pet.” Maybe if he ignored her, she would leave him alone.

Harmony was quiet for a moment, then her smile was back. “Wanna dance then?”

“Oh, for the love of…!” Spike closed his eyes for a moment, then glared at her. “No, I don’t wanna dance and I don’t wanna buy you a soddin’ drink. In fact, I don’t even wanna talk to you, so could you please just sod off?!”

She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again, her eyes narrowing. “If that’s the way you want it, fine! You’ll be sorry for turning me down.” She turned around and spotted another good-looking man, just about to walk past her, and she grabbed his arm to stop him. “Parker! Dance with me!”

Spike was relieved when she finally left, although he felt a little sorry for that Parker guy. Then he shrugged and waved at the bartender to get his attention. “Another beer, mate.” Suddenly he got the feeling that someone was watching him. Frowning, he glanced around the room until he spotted a familiar face in the crowd. Buffy was sitting at a table at the other side of the room with a red-haired girl and some guy. When she realized that he had seen her, she quickly looked away.


*~*~*

Buffy was happily munching on some french fries and smiled at her best friend, Willow Rosenberg. “Come on, Will, why don’t you just go over there and talk to him? I’m sure Oz will be happy, he’s been looking at you all night.”

“Really?” Willow blushed. “No, I can’t do that. Maybe he’s been looking at someone behind me, that would be really embarrassing.”

Sighing, Buffy shook her head in amusement. “Willow, you’ve been sitting at the same spot since you got here. There’s no one behind you.”

Willow was just about to say something when a guy with brown hair and a very colorful shirt came up to their table and sat down next to her, letting out a loud sigh. Relieved for getting a reason to change the subject, she smiled at him. “Look, it’s Xander! Hi Xander. Didn’t think you’d show up tonight.”

Xander reached for her glass and took a sip of her coke before she got the chance to object. “I’ve been out there for a while.” He gestured towards the dance floor. “Saw that hot girl who works at the magic shop, what’s her name again?”

“Anya?” Willow made a grimace. “She’s weird.”

“She’s not weird!” Xander reached over the table to steal a couple of fries from Buffy’s plate. “She’s just… blunt. It’s refreshing.”

Buffy gave him a sympathetic smile. “She turned you down, huh?”

“Oh yeah, big time.” Xander slumped back on the chair. “Seriously, I’m a nice guy, right? Not too bad looking?”

Buffy looked at Willow, trying to stay serious, before turning back to Xander. “Sure, Xander. You’re a great guy, any girl should be happy to have you.”

“Then why am I sitting here with you guys?” Xander let out a nervous laugh when he saw the looks the girls gave him. “Come on, you know I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that I’m tired of being single. I want…” He looked towards the bar. “Hey, I got it! I should start acting like a total asshole and be rude to everybody who dare talking to me, then if I don’t like what they have to say, I’ll just kick their head in. That should make me popular with the ladies.”

Willow gave him a confused look. “What are you talking about?”

Xander pointed towards where he had been looking. “It obviously works for some people, maybe I should give it a try.”

Buffy stared at him for a moment, then looked towards the bar as well. She swallowed as she realized who Xander was talking about, having spotted Spike's bleach blond head immediately. And who was that skanky ho-bag, being all over him?! For reasons she didn’t quite understand, she was relieved when the blond girl who had been talking to Spike got up and left with another guy, heading towards the dance floor. For some reason, Spike chose that exact moment to look in her direction, and their eyes met. She looked away, turning her attention back to Xander. “You don’t know him, I’m sure he’s not that bad.”

Staring at her like she had suddenly grown a second head, Xander let out a bitter laugh. “You’re kidding, right? I mean, you do know who he is? It’s Spike! He’s a jerk, everybody knows that.”

“Xander…” Willow hesitated, choosing her words carefully; “Um, you should know that last week…”

“Willow!” Buffy gave her best friend a warning look. She had told Willow about what happened that night, but she didn’t want Xander to know. Even though she knew perfectly well that it hadn’t been her fault at all, it was still humiliating. She had almost been raped, in an alley. For some reason, the mere thought still made her feel dirty and disgusted. As the memories came rushing back, she quickly jumped up from the chair. “I’ll be right back, just gotta go to the bathroom.”

Willow gave her a look of concern. “Want me to go with you?”

Shaking her head, firmly, Buffy put on a strained smile. “No, it’s okay.” Then she hurried away before they could stop her.


*~*~*

Deciding that he’d had enough of The Bronze for one night, Spike emptied his bottle and got up. He considered going somewhere else; the night was still young and he wasn’t even drunk yet. The more drunk he was, the deeper he would sleep, especially after taking the pills as well, and hopefully, even though he knew it wasn’t likely, he’d pass out and get at least a couple of hours sleep before the nightmares would begin.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t watch where he was going and bumped right into someone. He was just about to yell at the person for getting in his way when he realized who it was. “Buffy?”


TBC

”Spike.” Buffy eyed him carefully, not sure of what to expect. She had seen him over at the bar, so it was no surprise to her that he was here. Yet, she had not expected to run into him. She opened her mouth to say something more, then closed it again as she realized that she had no idea what to say.

“Um…” He hesitated, obviously taken by surprise as well. “Didn’t think you’d be here.” She looked confused so he hurried to explain; “I mean, after what happened…”

“Oh.” She had almost managed to put the events of last weekend out of her mind. But not completely. “Well, I’m here with some friends. No dancing. And definitely no drinking. Me and drinking don’t mix. We’re very… unmixy.”

He actually smiled a little at that. “Right.” Then he became serious. “Look, Buffy, I’m sorry about…”

She spoke before he had finished the sentence. “Really, you don’t have to apologize.”

He frowned. Why was he apologizing? He never apologized to anyone, about anything. In fact, he usually made an effort of being as rude as possible to make sure that people would stay away from him. So what was this about? He shook his head as if to clear it, then realized that she was still talking. “What?”

Buffy looked a little confused, then repeated her words. “I never thanked you for…” She swallowed. “For what you did. If you hadn’t showed up when you did…”

Spike waved his hand in dismissal. “Was nothing.”

She stared at him. “Not to me. You saved me from…” Not able to say the word ‘rape’, she just shook her head. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if it hadn’t been for you. Thank you.”

He had no idea what to say to that, so he just shrugged. For some reason he felt like his head was spinning. He hadn’t expected her to ever talk to him again after his outburst when she had entered his bedroom, and here she was now, thanking him? To say that he was confused would’ve been an understatement.

Unaware of his confusion, Buffy smiled a little. “Well, I better head back to…”

“Wait!” He grabbed her arm to prevent her from leaving, eyes widening when he realized what he had just done. Clearing his throat nervously, he let go of her arm. Buffy gave him a questioning look, and he took a deep breath. “I mean it, I’m really sorry. I had a…” He hesitated, not wanting to explain, but for some reason feeling like he should. “Really, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Buffy gave him a smile she hoped would be assuring. “It’s okay. I shouldn’t have…” Then she stopped, still not understanding what had caused him to freak out like that, but willing to let it go. She finished with a shrug; “Let’s just forget it.”

Spike gave her a doubtful look, then nodded. “All right.” He knew he should leave, but a part of him was reluctant. So he remained where he was, and for a moment, they just stood there, looking at each other. Then he snapped out of it and quickly took a step back. “I should, um…”

“Look, my friends and I have a table over there, why don’t you join us?” Her eyes widened immediately, shocked by herself for making the suggestion. Surely he wouldn’t want that, what had she been thinking? One look at him told her that he was as shocked as she was, although he tried to cover up.

“Um… I don’t think…” He looked away, not wanting to meet her eyes. “No, I’ll just…”

“Please?” Buffy didn’t know why she was being so persistent about it, it was obvious that he couldn’t wait to get away from her. But for some reason she just wasn’t ready for him to go. When he didn’t say anything, she took a deep breath and added; “Just for a little while?”

Spike just stared at her, suddenly at a loss for words. A little voice inside his head was screaming at him to run as far away as possible, yet he didn’t move. This was wrong, in so many ways. He had apologized, he should just leave it at that. He didn’t want to sit at some table and talk to people. It was bad enough that he was still here, talking to her. “All right.” He froze, not believing that he had just said that. This was bad, very bad. He should just leave, right now. But the happy smile that appeared on her face stopped him from doing just that.

“Great! Come on.” She grabbed his hand, trying to convince herself that it was simply so she wouldn’t lose him in the crowd, and started towards her table, completely missing the stunned look on his face. It only took a moment before they reached the table where her friends were waiting, after all, the club wasn’t that big.

“Hey, guys.” Buffy cleared her throat and glanced at Spike, then turned to Willow and Xander. “This is Spike. He’s…”

“I know who he is.” Xander gave Spike a brief look before turning back to Buffy. “Question is, what’s he doing here?”

Spike opened his mouth, about to respond with some snarky comment, then decided against it. He’d been around the bloke for about ten seconds, and already felt a desperate need to kick his ass. But the git was obviously a friend of Buffy’s, and he didn’t want to upset her. Once again he found himself wondering why the bloody hell he cared about her feelings. Yet, he remained silent.

“Xander…” Willow gave her friend a look of disapproval, then turned to Spike. “Um, hi, I’m Willow.” Then she looked away, clearly uncomfortable.

Spike was just about to tell Buffy he was leaving, when she spoke, an annoyed look on her face; “What’s that suppose to mean, Xander? I asked Spike to join us, do you have a problem with that?”

“Buffy…” Spike glared at Xander, then looked at Buffy. “I’ll just…”

“Actually, yes I do.” Xander crossed his arms over his chest and addressed Spike for the first time; “I don’t know what your game is, why you’re hanging with Buffy, but I don’t care. You’re not welcome here. Either you’ll leave, or I will.”

Spike raised a brow, clearly unimpressed. He opened his mouth to say something, but Buffy beat him to it, glaring at Xander. “If you can’t be nice, maybe you should leave.

Xander stared at her in shock, opening his mouth to object, but was interrupted by Spike, looking at Buffy. “Never mind, pet, m'out of here."

Buffy gave him a pleading look, which he chose to ignore. “Really, you don’t have to…”

He interrupted her, giving her hand a small squeeze, mostly to annoy Xander. “See you around, luv.” With that he turned around and left, not looking back once.

She stared after him for a moment, then turned to Xander. “Happy now? What’s the matter with you?” Then she glanced at Willow, expecting her to say something, but the red-head kept her eyes on the floor.

“Me?!” Xander stared at her in disbelief.

Buffy glared at him. “What has Spike ever done to you?”

Xander was quiet for a moment. Then he got a stubborn look on his face. “Well, nothing. But…” He hesitated. “But that’s only because I’ve stayed out of his way so far. And I plan on keeping it that way. Seriously, Buff, I don’t see why…” He paused, then rolled his eyes. “Oh, I get it. Are you sleeping with him? Is that why you suddenly want him around?”

Willow looked up then, staring at him with wide eyes. “Xander!”

Buffy gasped in shock, then swallowed. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

Xander had the decency to look ashamed. He looked away for a moment. “I’m sorry.” Then he sighed. “Look, I’ll just go, okay? It’s getting late anyway, and…” He let out a nervous laugh. “Talk to you later.” He gave them a small smile before turning around and heading towards the exit, leaving Buffy and Willow to stare after him.



TBC

Xander Harris hurried across the dark parking lot outside the night club, angrily muttering to himself. If there was something he hated more than anything, it was to be publicly humiliated. He shook his head in disbelief, still not able to take in the fact that Buffy had chosen Spike over him, like that idiot actually mattered. Xander hated Spike with a passion, for reasons he didn’t quite understand, but he didn’t care. To him it was very simple; Spike – bad, himself – good. Too bad Buffy obviously didn’t see it that way. But hopefully, she would come around.

He knew, and had known for quite a while, that Buffy would never look at him and see him as something other than just a friend. And to tell the truth, he actually believed it was better that way. Buffy was sweet and kind and beautiful, and maybe a part of him would always secretly hope that she would one day see him in a different light. Sometimes he could even fool himself into thinking that he loved her. As far as his best friend; Willow, was concerned, the reason why he ran around chasing after different women every night was to take his mind off of Buffy. He and Willow had known each other since they were kids, and for years there had just been the two of them. Then, when they were about to start their second year of high school, Buffy Summers had entered their lives.

Deep down, he knew that it wasn’t about Buffy at all. It was all about him. Buffy represented something he could never have, just like all the other countless girls he desperately tried to hook up with night after night. Of course, there were other girls, nice girls, who gladly would have gone out with him, had he bothered to look their way. But he never did. He needed to chase after what was unattainable. Because if he didn’t, if he would stop and settle down with some girl, he feared that he would be forced to realize that it wouldn’t be enough. He had told Buffy and Willow that he was tired of being single, and he hadn’t been lying. But even though he refused to admit it, even to himself, a part of him knew that no girl would ever be enough for him.

One night, about two years ago, he had gone to The Bronze without his friends, and had managed to get quite drunk even though he wasn't old enough. The bartenders at The Bronze had never been known for bothering checking for ID's. He had spent the entire night chasing after a beautiful dark-haired cheerleader named Cordelia Chase, and of course, she had turned him down. No surprise there. So he had ended up at the bar, drinking beer after beer and feeling more and more sorry for himself. Then he noticed the blond man sitting on the bar stool next to him, wearing a black leather duster. Xander had never seen him before and figured that whoever he was, he had to be new in town.

He didn’t know why, but for some reason he had found himself unable to look away, which was very disturbing. Had it been a woman sitting there next to him, it had been one thing. But this was a man. After some hesitation, Xander had tried to start a conversation and Spike had told him, more or less, to get lost. Only he hadn’t been so nice about it. At first, all Xander felt was humiliation. Then came the fury, first directed at himself, then at Spike. It was two years ago now, and he still remembered it like it was yesterday.

Having been lost in the memories, Xander didn’t hear the footsteps behind him, but suddenly he felt a strong hand on his shoulder and spun around. His eyes widened when he realized who was standing in front of him, a threatening look on his face. Xander held up his hands in surrender, letting out a nervous laugh. “Hey, Olaf! Look, man, I can explain…” That was how far he got before the huge man punched him in the face, causing him to stumble back with a gasp.

“You think I wouldn’t find out?” Olaf glared at him. “You’ve been after my girl all night.” He raised his fist to strike again and Xander desperately took a step back, only to realize that he was trapped against a wall.

“Wait!” He swallowed nervously. “I swear, I didn’t know Anya was your girlfriend. I’m really sorry.”

Olaf just laughed. “You expect me to believe that?” Xander opened his mouth to respond but Olaf went on; “Even if it was true, I really wouldn’t care.” He pushed Xander back, hard, against the brick wall, and was just about to hit him again when someone grabbed him from behind.

“Hey, big guy! Go pick on someone your own size.”

Olaf’s eyes narrowed and he gave Spike a confused look as he obviously recognized him. “You’re defending him?” He gestured towards Xander.

Spike snorted. “Hell, no! But I do look forward to kick your ass. Have been craving for a fight all night.”

Looking slightly taken aback, Olaf let out a laugh, then stepped away from Xander. “Really? Bring it on!”

Spike casted a brief look at Xander. “Go.” Xander just stared at him, remaining where he was and Spike rolled his eyes. “What are you waiting for, you git?! Get the bloody hell out of here!” Finally Xander reacted, and took off.

He stopped about a hundred feet away, looking back over his shoulder. So far the two men were just circling each other, but he suspected there would soon be a major fight. Maybe Spike was a good fighter, but Xander seriously doubted he would stand a chance against someone like Olaf, who was about twice his size. He got a smug look on his face; suddenly the night didn’t seem so bad after all. It sure looked like Spike would finally get what he deserved. Ignoring the fact that Spike had probably just saved him from getting his teeth kicked out, Xander just shrugged and turned away from the scene. Not feeling the least bit guilty, he just walked away without looking back again.


TBC

Spike eyed the much larger man in front of him, not the least bit worried, certain that he could take him. He had fought guys taller than him before, and years of experience had taught him that ‘bigger’ didn’t necessarily mean ‘smarter’. When he easily dodged the first punch, he realized that in this case it was obviously true. He kicked the other man in the stomach, hard enough to make him stumble backwards, but he managed to remain standing. That was okay. Spike could go on for hours if he had to. He kicked Olaf again, but this time the man was prepared.

“I know you.” Olaf gave Spike a smug look as he jumped back to avoid a blow.

“Seriously doubt it, mate.” Spike silently cursed when Olaf’s fist suddenly hit him straight in the face, but he didn’t even flinch.

Olaf looked a little surprised when Spike showed no sign of pain, but quickly covered up. “You don’t have a chance, you realize that, right?”

Spike blocked another punch, rolling his eyes. “Do we have to talk when we do this?”

Olaf shrugged. “I’m gonna be nice and offer you a chance to walk away. I suggest you’ll take it.”

Raising a brow, Spike let out a laugh. “Never walked away from a fight in my life. Not gonna start now.” He took Olaf off guard and punched him on the nose.

Letting out a furious cry of pain, Olaf brought his hand up to cover his bleeding nose and glared at Spike. “When I’m done with you, you’ll wish you’d walked away when you had the chance.”

Spike snorted. “Yeah, okay. Remember what I said about not talking? Should try it, you’re really starting to annoy me.” He managed to hit Olaf in the face again before the other man got the chance to protect himself, and Spike soon had him trapped against the brick wall where Xander had been earlier. A final kick, hitting him hard in the stomach, and Olaf slid down to the ground with a loud groan. Spike took a step back. That had been almost too easy.

“Spike!”

He spun around at the sound of the familiar voice and noticed the blond girl in the middle of the parking lot. “Buffy?” He took a step towards her, but stopped when she pointed at something behind him and yelled something he couldn’t quite make out. Frowning, he turned around but it was too late. The sharp pain when the bottle hit him in the head made him gasp for air and he dropped to his knees, cursing himself for not noticing Olaf getting up and sneaking up behind him. He struggled to get back on his feet but a wave of nausea came over him. Then everything went dark.


*~*~*

Buffy had just left the club and was on her way to get her car when she heard the sound of fighting. Nervously looking around, she kept walking, not wanting to get in the middle of something. Then she saw the two men fighting and immediately recognized one of them; the bleached blond hair and the black leather duster making it pretty clear who it was. She hesitated, not sure of what to do, but was relieved when she realized that Spike seemed to have the upper hand. A moment later, the man he was fighting went down. For a moment she just stared at them, then she snapped out of it. “Spike!”

He had backed away from the fallen man and turned around, looking at her in confusion. “Buffy?”

Spike started towards her, and that was when Buffy saw the other man jump to his feet. The empty beer bottle in his hand seemed to have appeared from nowhere and she let out a cry of warning, desperate to make Spike aware of the danger, but it was too late. She let out a scream when the bottle hit him in the head and rushed over to him, ignoring the fact that by doing so, she could get hurt as well.

The man who Spike had been fighting with stared at her, dumbfounded, and without thinking she quickly reached into her pocket and held up her cellphone in front of her. “I’ve called the police! They'll be here any minute!” She silently prayed that he would buy it, not wanting to think about what he would do to her if he didn’t. The large man; he seemed vaguely familiar, opened his mouth, then closed it again and his eyes widened. Then he started to back away, much to Buffy’s relief. She watched him turn around and quickly leave the scene, hurrying over the parking lot, and she let out the breath she had been holding.

She closed her eyes for a moment, her heart beating loudly in her chest. Then she heard a groan, coming from Spike, and snapped out of the shock. She dropped to her knees beside him, reaching out her hand towards his face but pulled it back when she noticed the blood. “Oh my God, you’re hurt!”

Spike tried to sit up, then immediately regretted it as another wave of dizziness hit him. “Yeah, well, I just got hit in the head with a bloody bottle!”

Buffy looked taken aback, then actually pouted a little. “You don’t have to yell at me, I’m just trying to help.”

He rolled his eyes. “Don’t bother, pet. If you hadn’t distracted me, I wouldn’t be lying here.”

For a moment she was speechless, then snapped out of it and stared at him, outraged. “Are you kidding me?! How dare you blame me for this, I tried to warn you!”

“Yeah?” Spike ran his hand over his face, staring at the blood for a moment, then glared at her. “Good for you.”

She slapped him then, hard on the face. He didn’t flinch, but Buffy gasped in shock when she realized what she had done. “God, I…” She swallowed. ”I’m sorry, I…”

“Don’t.” Spike let out a sigh and looked away. “I deserved it.”

“No… Well, yeah.” Buffy hesitated. “But I shouldn’t have hit you, you’ve just…” She looked away as well, ashamed.

“Buffy…” Spike finally looked at her, and for a moment he looked sad. “I’m not a nice person, pet, you should know that by now.” She opened her mouth to object but he went on; “I mean it, luv, m’a bad man, you should stay away from me.”

“Uh huh.” She reached out her hand and gently ran her fingers over his bleeding eyebrow. “You’re gonna get a scar.”

He pulled back, abruptly, and she found it a little weird that he hadn’t even reacted when she’d hit him but this gentle touch made him flinch. She looked at him but he suddenly refused to meet her eyes. Instead he just shrugged. “It’s nothing. Had worse.”

Buffy frowned, waiting for him to say something more, but he didn’t. Then she got up, offering him her hand, which he took after a moments hesitation and allowed her to help him up. He took a step, swayed a little, and she immediately grabbed his arm. “You should have someone look at that, you may have gotten a concussion.” She paused. “My car’s right over there, if you want I’ll give you a ride to the hospital.”

He shook his head, grimacing a little. “No, I’ll be fine.”

She hesitated, then nodded. “All right. But at least let me give you a ride home then.” He started to object but she interrupted him, a firm look on her face. “Really, Spike, I want to. You helped me the other night, remember? Now, let me help you.”

Spike looked at her for a moment, and she was certain that he would turn her down. Then he finally nodded. “Fine. Lead the way.”


TBC

Once he had gotten into the car, Spike immediately regretted it, and not only because accepting Buffy’s offer of a ride home wasn’t exactly the way to avoid her, like he had planned. Buffy was probably good at a lot of things, unfortunately, driving was not one of them. When she accidentally stepped on the accelerator instead of the brake in front of a red light, he simply closed his eyes and hoped that he would be home soon. In fact, they should already be back at his place since he only lived a few blocks away from The Bronze. His eyes snapped open and he looked out the window, realizing that they were at the other side of town. He sat up abruptly, giving Buffy a suspicious look. “What the bloody hell are you doing?”

She took her eyes away from the road and looked at him, an innocent look on her face. “What do you mean?”

He gave her a patient look and gestured towards the window. “Last time I checked, I didn’t live in this part of town.” He rolled his eyes. “If you tell me you’re lost…”

“No.” Buffy turned her attention back to the road, not that it made that much of a difference. Suddenly she looked uncertain. “I just thought…” She hesitated. “That cut looks kinda bad, and since you don’t wanna go to the hospital…” Then she shrugged. “I didn’t know if you had a first aid kit at your place. I have one at mine.”

Spike stared at her, bewildered. “You could’ve bloody asked!”

Buffy shrugged again, lowering her eyes. “You looked like you were sleeping, I didn’t want to…”

“All right.” He removed his seat belt. “Just stop the car, I’ll walk from here.” When she didn’t stop, nor slowed down, just kept her eyes stubbornly on the road and kept driving, he slumped back into the seat with a sigh. “What will your parents say when you’ll bring home a complete stranger?”

Buffy finally stopped the car outside a white house and turned off the engine. “They’re out of town, they won’t be home until tomorrow night.”

As Spike followed her out of the car and towards the house, he considered more than once to simply run, but for some reason he didn’t. Instead he followed Buffy inside, waiting while she turned the lights on, and finally followed her upstairs.

She opened a door and motioned for him to step inside. “This is my room.” Then she blushed a little and rushed past him, quickly grabbing something from the floor and shoved it under the bed before he got the chance to see what it was. She let out a nervous giggle. “Um… I’ll get the first aid kit. You wait here.“ And then she was gone.

Spike glanced around the room. No girl had ever invited him up to her room before, of course, he had never given them a chance. He noticed that Buffy had a lot of stuffed animals, and wasn’t sure if that was a teenage girl thing or just a Buffy thing. Walking over to the bed, he picked up one of them, a pink pig that looked like it had been around for quite a while.

“That’s Mr Gordo. My dad gave him to me when I was three.”

Having not heard Buffy return, Spike jumped a little and spun around, a guilty look on his face. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” He didn’t know how to finish so he just dropped the pig on the bed and took a step back.

She just shrugged and walked over to him, a small first aid box in a tight grip. “You, um… you want me to…? Or do you…?”

Buffy hesitated as she held out the box in front of her and Spike noticed that she seemed nervous. He couldn’t blame her, she’d probably gotten second thoughts about inviting him over. Well, comming here hadn’t exactly been his idea. “I got it.” She handed him the box and he walked over to the mirror.

While he started cleaning the wound over his eyebrow, Buffy slowly walked over to him, For a moment she just watched without saying anything. Then she cleared her throat and he gave her a questioning look. She shrugged a little, like she wasn’t sure of what to say, but obviously wanted to say something. “Does it hurt?”

“No.” He turned his attention back to the mirror, but realized that she kept watching him.

“Why were you guys fighting?” He just shrugged. She waited for a moment, then realized that he wasn’t going to say more.

Finally he was done and turned around, giving her back the box. “Thanks. I’ll…” He paused before finishing; “…better head home.”

“Or…” She blushed a little and looked away. “You could stay here. For the night, I mean. It’s kinda late. You could sleep on the couch and I’ll give you a ride home tomorrow.” She really hadn’t meant to blurt something like that out. Spike was practically a stranger, this wasn’t like her at all.

He couldn’t help but gulp at the thought of getting into the car with Buffy again. Then his mind registered what she had said before that. “You want me to…?” He shook his head, firmly. “No, I’ll just walk, s’no big deal.”

“I don’t mind.” Buffy gave him a pleading look. “I feel like a part of what happened was my fault, and…”

So that’s what it was about; she felt guilty? He snorted. “That’s bollocks, and you know it. I didn’t mean what I said back there, all right? I just…” He let out a nervous chuckle. “Was the concussion talking.”

She smiled a little. “If you have a concussion, you shouldn’t go home and sleep alone. You really should stay here.”

Spike opened his mouth, then closed it again. He didn’t understand why she was being so persistent. “I don’t have a bloody concussion!”

Buffy crossed her arms stubbornly over her chest. “You just said you did.” She paused, lowering her eyes. “Look, I’m sorry. It’s just that I really hate the idea of being alone in the house all night, especially after what happened last week.” She hated admitting it, but a part of her still half expected Angel to show up behind her every time she closed her eyes.

“Buffy…” He could come up with at least a thousand reasons why staying the night would be a terrible idea. Then she looked at him and pouted, and he forgot every single one. Though a part of him found her both stubborn and annoying, another part actually enjoyed being around her. And that part was reluctant to leave. He didn’t understand it, though. For as long as he could remember, he had always kept to himself, avoided other people as much as he could. But there was something about Buffy that both scared him and fascinated him at the same time. “Oh, bloody hell! Fine, I’ll stay.”

“Good.” She looked pleased, and once again Spike was amazed at how beautiful she was. “I’ll make up the couch downstairs for you.” She paused. “Unless you don’t mind sleeping on the floor, then you could just…” She gestured towards the floor beside her bed with a shrug.

Spike let out a defeated sigh. “Floor will be fine.” Then his eyes widened as realization hit him. Had she just suggested that he would spend the night here, in her room? And had he just accepted? He shook his head as if to clear it, about to tell her that he would take the couch after all. Then he noticed how tired she looked, and decided against it. He could always wait until she had fallen asleep and then leave. Or, he could stay.


TBC

”I’m sorry Xander was such a jerk before.” Buffy and Spike had gone to bed a while ago, but so far, neither of them were sleeping.

Spike frowned, then remembered. “Whelp fancies you, doesn’t he?”

“Um…” Buffy was quiet for a moment. “Willow seems to think so.”

“What do you think?” Spike did his best to sound casual, telling himself that he couldn’t care less about who Buffy might be interested in.

“I don’t care.” He let out the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding as she went on; “Xander’s my friend and that’s all he’ll ever be.”

“Right.” He paused. “What about the poof?”

“Who?” She sounded confused.

Spike hesitated. “Um, last week. The guy who…” He stopped, suddenly regretting having brought it up.

“Angel.” Buffy swallowed, and he felt like the biggest git in the world.

“I’m sorry, pet, I shouldn’t have…”

She went on like she hadn’t heard him. “We went to high school together. I had this huge crush on him for years, but he never even looked at me.” She shrugged. “Then I dropped out and I thought I’d never see him again. For months, I was crushed.” She let out a bitter laugh. “Pretty stupid, huh?”

He didn’t know how to respond to that, so he decided to change the subject. “You dropped out?”

“Well…” She sighed. “No, not exactly. I mean, I did finish high school and all. But I didn’t go to college. And to my parents, that’s just as bad as dropping out. They were not thrilled, if you know what I mean.” She looked at him, though it was dark so he couldn’t really see her, but for some reason he knew she was looking at him. “I thought I was stupid.”

He sat up a little. “Shouldn’t feel like that, s’your life, not theirs.”

“No.” Buffy sat up as well. “I meant, I thought I was too stupid to go to college. I’d never make the classes and everybody would see how stupid I am.”

Spike stared at her in disbelief. “That’s ridiculous! You’re not stupid.”

Buffy snorted. “You don’t know me well enough to say that.” She went on before he could object. “You know my friend, Willow?” He nodded, then realized that she probably couldn’t see it anyway. “She’s smart. I mean really, really smart. And Xander… He’s…” She hesitated. “He’s Xander. No one expected him to go to college. But my parents thought… Well, let’s just say they were really disappointed in me.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.” Spike had to roll his eyes at himself. How lame did that come out? He wanted to say something to make her feel better, but couldn’t think of a thing. Then he wondered, again, what it was about Buffy that made him care so much. He shrugged. “I didn’t go to college either.”

If Buffy was surprised at the fact that he had, for the first time, mentioned something about his past, she didn’t let it show. She seemed to be thinking about something. “You didn’t go to school here, did you? I mean, I realize you’re probably a couple of years older, but…” She let out a nervous giggle. “How old are you?”

“Twenty.”

“Oh. I’m eighteen.” Buffy became silent, then hurried to add; “Almost nineteen. My birthday’s in a few weeks.” She didn’t know why she had just told him that. Was she trying to convince him that there really wasn’t that much of an age difference between them? Why should he care about that? And why should she? It wasn’t like she had a crush on him or anything. She went on; “What I was going to say was, I think I would’ve remembered you if we’d gone to school together.”

Spike snorted. “Doubt it, luv. Was a bloody ponce back then.” She opened her mouth to say something, but he ignored her as he went on. “You’re right though, didn’t go to school here.”

“You’re from England, right?”

He couldn’t help but chuckle. “What gave me away?”

Buffy smiled a little. “Well, you got that sexy accent for one thing…” She stopped, abruptly, resisting the urge to bang her head against the wall. She did not just say that! As her face turned bright red, she wished the floor would open up and swallow her. Clearing her throat, she desperately tried to save at least some of her dignity by changing the subject; “So, you’re from England. Where in England?”

He was quiet for a moment. “London.”

“Oh.” She was relieved that he was going to let her stupid comment pass. “How come you moved here?” He didn’t answer, so she went on; “Did you come here alone? Are your parents back in London?” Buffy frowned when he still didn’t say anything. “Spike?”

“Let’s just go to sleep, yeah?” He rolled over so he faced away from her and closed his eyes, praying that she would let it go. He didn’t want to be rude to her, but this was a conversation they were not going to have, ever. For a moment, he had actually enjoyed talking to her. Now he wished he had never come. But just for a brief moment, he had managed to forget how screwed up he was, thinking that he could actually have a real conversation with Buffy like a normal person. Right. Like that could ever happen.

Buffy was surprised, to say the least, by his sudden mood swing. They had been talking for almost an hour about her and her life, and everything had been just fine. But the minute she had started asking him about his life, he had closed up like a clam. A part of her told her to let it go. Yet, another part became more intrigued by the minute; she wanted to know everything about him. She realized that she was playing with fire, but she couldn’t help herself. Everyone in town knew who Spike was, although nobody really knew him. He was known for being a troublemaker, hell, he’d even said so himself; he was a bad man. But for some reason, she didn’t think it was that simple.

If Spike was such a bad person, he would never have saved her from getting raped by Angel. He would have just walked away, or worse; finished what Angel had started. If he really was as bad as he said he was, then how come she felt so safe with him? She let out a sigh, deciding that trying to figure him out would only give her a headache at this point, she should let it go for now and just try to get some sleep. Spike was a mystery, all right. A mystery she intended to solve.


TBC

William was huddling in the corner of his room, eyes closed, desperate to keep his mind on anything but what was really happening. If he would just be quiet and keep still, it would hopefully be over soon. As the blows hit him, repeatedly, he refused to cry out, refused to show any sign of pain, knowing that it was exactly what Ethan wanted. Finally the man took a step back and William held his breath, not daring to hope it would be over so soon.

“You know why I’m doing this?” He looked up then, shuddering at the cold look on Ethan’s face. Was he suppose to answer? He could never be sure of what Ethan wanted, he kept changing the rules every time. Now he raised his fist in a threatening manner, but didn’t strike. Instead he just repeated his question, calmly, like he was talking about the weather; “You know why I’m doing this?”

Right. Answering, then. William just nodded, then gasped as the fist hit him hard in the face. Ethan leaned closer and William swallowed when he realized that the wall kept him from pulling away. His stepfather got a smug look on his face. “I want to hear you say it. Why am I doing this?”

William inhaled, shakily. “Cause I’m bad.”

“That’s right.” Ethan looked pleased, a cruel smile playing on his lips. “You’ve been bad, so I have to punish you. Have to make sure you know your place. Do you understand?”

He nodded, then remembered what had happened last time he didn’t answer. “Yes.”

“Very good.” Ethan sounded almost friendly. Then the smile was gone. “Get up and get over to the bed.”

Startled, William stared at him. He shook his head, desperate not to let his fear show. “No…”

Ethan’s eyes narrowed. “What did you say?”

Swallowing, William looked him right in the eyes. “No. Please, I don’t want…” Another blow caused his head to snap back and hit the wall behind him and a wave of dizziness came over him. Though his sight had become slightly blurred, he could still see the furious expression on his stepfather’s face.

“You don’t get to speak unless I say so, is that clear?!” He didn’t bother to wait for an answer as he went on; “I said, get over to the bed.” Suddenly the man looked over his shoulder, speaking quietly to someone in the doorway; “Go back downstairs, I’ll be there as soon as I’m done here.”

William looked up, silently begging his mother to stay. Of course, she never did. But William knew she was aware of what her husband was doing almost every night, before he went to bed with her. A part of him wished that she wasn’t, her knowing only made him feel worse. Because it proved that what Ethan said was true; he did deserve this. Otherwise, his mother would never allow it. He closed his eyes for a moment, not wanting to see her turn around and leave. When he opened his eyes again, his mother was gone.


Spike jumped up, abruptly, vaguely aware of that someone was saying his name. For a moment he didn’t know were he was, looking around the room in alarm. He realized that he was shaking.

“Spike?” Buffy was on the floor next to him, her face a mixture of fear and concern. She reached out a hand towards him and he flinched back, causing her to freeze. “It’s me, it’s okay.”

She reached out for him again, and he backed away. “Don’t…”

Buffy frowned, but stopped. “Don’t what?”

He took a deep breath, trying to force himself to calm down. “Don’t bloody touch me!” She opened her mouth, then closed it again. For a moment she was quiet. “Don’t touch me,” he repeated, feeling his heartbeats slowly return to normal. It had just been a dream, no reason to freak out.

She remained where she was, but raised her hands in a none threatening manner, sort of like Spike had done when he had saved her from Angel outside The Bronze, almost a week ago. “I’m not gonna touch you.”

Spike nodded, relieved. Then realization hit him and he let out a groan. He was not supposed to have fallen asleep, but yet he had. Humiliation hit him as he realized that his nightmare had caused Buffy to wake up. What the hell had he been thinking, coming here? He glanced towards the door, seriously considering just getting up and run. He was aware of that Buffy was watching him, but refused to meet her eyes.

“Are… are you okay?” Her voice was barely more than a whisper as she kept staring at him with wide eyes.

“Sorry.” He still didn’t look at her. “Didn’t mean to wake you. You can go back to sleep.”

“I…” Buffy swallowed. “No, it’s…” She remembered that Spike had mentioned something about nightmares when she had spent the night at his place, but by the look of it, and the way he was still slightly trembling, it was worse than she had imagined. And she had no idea what it was about. Suddenly she remembered something he had mumbled just before he had woken up. “Who’s Ethan?”

He did look at her then, and he looked startled. “What?”

“You said… in your sleep…” Buffy hesitated. “What happened to you?” Spike quickly got to his feet, starting to back away, and she got the feeling that if she didn’t stop him, he would run away and she would never see him again. “Wait, please…” She gave him a pleading look. “Talk to me.”

“About what?!” He sounded hostile, and Buffy found herself looking away. His temper still frightened her. When she didn’t say anything, he let out a bitter laugh. “Forget it, m’out of here.”

“No, wait, Spike…” She jumped up and grabbed his arm to prevent him from leaving. “You don’t have to go, just…”

He interrupted her, giving her a cold look. “Take your hand off me.”

Buffy released her grip on his arm, but instead of letting him go completely, she let her hand slowly run down his arm until she reached his hand and squeezed it gently. “Did someone hurt you?”

For a moment he just stared at her, then he pulled his hand away. “I’m leaving.” He glared at her, like he was daring her to object.

“But…” She wanted to beg him to stay, but stopped herself, realizing that nothing she could say right now would make him change his mind. So she just nodded. He gave her one final look before he turned around and disappeared out the door, leaving Buffy to stare after him with tears in her eyes.


TBC

“What do you think, Buffy?“ Willow looked expectantly at her best friend, frowning when she didn’t get any sign of reaction. “Um, Buffy?"

Buffy looked up, giving Willow an apologetic look. “Oh. Sorry, Will, I guess I missed that last part. You were saying?”

Willow glanced at Xander who was sitting next to her before turning back to Buffy. “You haven’t heard a word I just said, have you?” Buffy got a guilty look on her face. “Buffy, is something wrong?”

“No! No, I just…” Buffy hesitated, not sure of what to say. She had agreed to meet up with Willow and Xander for lunch at a small restaurant, but now she kind of wished she had stayed at home. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy spending time with her best friends because she did, but she wouldn’t have been able to focus on their conversation if her life depended on it, her mind seemed to constantly wander. It had been three days since Spike had rushed out of her room in the middle of the night and she hadn’t been able to get him out of her mind since.

More than once she had considered simply going over to his place, but every time she had chickened out. Instead she had told herself that she would have to run into him sooner or later anyway, but so far she’d had no such luck. She had even gone to The Bronze for the last two nights, simply to see if he would be there, but she hadn’t seen him. Buffy sighed. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t stop thinking about him; she hardly even knew him. But for some reason, her heart had decided that it didn’t matter.

Now she noticed that both Willow and Xander were staring at her, and realized that one of them must have said something to her. Once again she felt like an idiot and shook her head as if to clear it, determined not to space out again. “Did either of you say something?”

“Buffy…” Willow suddenly looked nervous. She glanced at Xander again, who nodded. Buffy frowned, but didn’t say anything. “Look, Xander and I have been talking. We…” For some reason, she didn’t look Buffy in the eyes as she went on; “We’re kinda worried about you.” Buffy opened her mouth but Willow hurried on; “I’m only saying this because… well, you’re my best friend and I really care about you. You know that, right?”

Still looking confused, Buffy nodded. “Of course.”

“Good!” Willow looked relieved. “Look, the thing is…” She hesitated. “I mean, I’m sure you have a perfectly good explanation, but…”

Unlike Willow, Xander didn't have a problem with saying what was on his mind. “Willow saw you leave The Bronze the other night, with Spike. Care to explain that?”

For a moment Buffy just stared at him, mouth open. Was that what this was all about? That was just about the last thing she had expected. Snapping out of it, she turned to Willow, a hurt look on her face. “If you had just called me, I would’ve told you…”

“That’s not the point.” Xander glared at Buffy. “The point is, you left with Spike. Spike! Willow saw you two getting into your car together. What the hell was that about?”

Buffy looked from Xander to Willow and back to Xander again. Her confusion was starting to turn into anger. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I was going to give him a ride home. He’d been hurt, by this really big guy, and…”

“Oh please…” Xander snorted. “Olaf may be both big and stupid, but I’m sure Spike had it coming.”

“That’s not…” Buffy stopped, frowning. “Olaf?” Xander just looked at her, blankly. “Xander, how did you know who it was? I never said his name.”

Xander suddenly looked like a deer caught in the headlight. “I, um… I didn’t…” Buffy crossed her arms over her chest, a suspicious look on her face, and he sighed. “All right, I may have been there. But…” He shrugged. “You know Spike, he picks a fight with everybody who comes his way. Whatever he got, I bet it was nothing more than he deserved.”

Buffy stared at him in disbelief. “And you, what? Just left?”

“Yes, after Spike told me to! I had everything under control, I didn’t ask him to come and…” Xander stopped, realizing that he had probably said too much and looked away.

She let out a bitter laugh. “Oh, I get it. You and Olaf were arguing, and Spike just happened to show up, am I right?” Xander suddenly seemed to be very interested in something on the floor. Buffy went on; “So, what really happened was that Spike saved you, from getting your ass kicked, is that it?” She rolled her eyes when Xander didn’t answer.

Not liking the way the conversation was turning, Willow spoke up. “Come on, guys, let’s not fight about this.” She looked at Xander. “You see, it was all just a misunderstanding. Buffy gave Spike a ride home since he had been hurt, that was very nice of her. And Buffy, Xander was just…”

“Actually…” Buffy interrupted her. She was beyond upset with Xander, he had gone too far and she wanted him to know that he had no right telling her what to do. “I didn’t give him a ride home. We went back to my place and he spent the night there.” She glared at Xander, a stubborn look on her face, and wasn’t disappointed by his reaction. He stared at her, his mouth opening and closing like a fish on land, and she gave him a sweet smile. “Are you okay, Xander? You don’t look too good.”

“I…” Xander stopped, for a moment at a loss for words. Then he exploded. “He what?! Are you crazy?! He could’ve… raped you for all I know! What the hell were you thinking?!”

“Xander!” Willow slapped him hard on the arm, then glanced at Buffy.

“What?! And, ow!” Xander glared at Willow, rubbing his arm. “Willow, I just care about Buffy, all right? I don’t want her to get hurt by…”

Buffy jumped up from the chair, a furious look on her face. “You wanna know what happened the last time I was at The Bronze with Faith, Xander? I went outside with Angel and he tried to rape me.”

Xander just stared at her, then closed his eyes. “God. Buffy, I had no idea…”

Ignoring him, Buffy went on; “He would’ve succeeded too, if Spike hadn’t showed up. He saved me.”

Swallowing hard, Xander lowered his eyes. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry. But…” He hesitated. “Look, about Spike, I understand you’re being grateful and all, I do. But seriously, Buffy, you don’t owe him anything. You don’t have to keep hanging out with him just because…”

“Oh my God!” Buffy threw her hands up in frustration. “You don’t get it, do you? I don’t hang out with Spike because I feel like I have to. I happen to like being with him. If you would just give him a chance…”

Xander got up. “I’m sorry, Buffy, but I can’t stay here and listen to this. I’m out of here.”

“Xander…” Willow gave him a pleading look. “Don’t go, we have to talk about this!”

“Let him go.” Buffy sat back down and quickly swallowed down the last of her soda, desperately trying to keep the tears from falling. She didn’t understand what was happening, Xander had been one of her best friends for years and now she suddenly felt like she didn’t know him at all. She kept her eyes on the table, not looking up when Xander, after a moment’s hesitation, left the restaurant. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she struggled to get her emotions under control, not wanting Willow to see how upset she was.

“Buffy, are you okay? I’m sorry about that.” Willow gave her friend a look of concern.

Putting on a forced smile, Buffy finally looked up. “I’m fine, really.” She paused. “Willow, please tell me you don’t agree with Xander. He’s wrong, okay? Spike’s not a bad guy.”

“Buffy…” Willow hesitated. “You’re not… I mean, this thing with Spike…” She let out a nervous laugh. “You’re not in love with him or anything, are you?”

“What? No!” Buffy pouted a little. “But would it be so bad if I was?”

Willow was quiet for a moment. When she spoke again, she didn’t look directly at Buffy. “Buffy, you and Xander are my best friends in the whole world. I love you both, and I’ve never taken one’s side over the other before. But…”

“But you do now.” Buffy nodded in understanding, not able to hide the hurt note in her voice.

Willow sighed. “Buffy, I’m sorry. But I think Xander may have a point. Spike is…” She swallowed, nervously. “There must be a reason why he doesn’t have any friends. People are afraid of him. He’s always drinking and fighting and…” Then she shrugged. “People are talking, you know.”

Buffy gave Willow a stubborn look. “So what? They don’t know him.”

“Neither do you.” Willow was desperately trying to get Buffy to see things her way. “Buffy, you know I just want what’s best for you. I think…”

Buffy got up. “You've made your point. I’ll think about what you have said. Now if you’ll excuse me…” She grabbed her purse, hoping she would make it out of the restaurant before she would start to cry. “I’ll see you around.” She turned around and fled before Willow got the chance to object.


TBC

Spike had left his apartment with no intention of going very far, yet he had somehow ended up at the other side of town. He was both surprised and annoyed when he suddenly found himself to be in Buffy’s neighborhood, knowing that going there was a bad idea. The truth was, ever since he had left her house a couple of days ago, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her. Actually, he knew it had started before that, she had been on his mind, constantly, since he had first laid eyes on her outside The Bronze, almost two weeks ago.

He knew he should turn around and go back, yet he remained where he was, only half a block away from her house. If he would get any closer, there was a possibility she would be able to see him should she look out her window, and he didn’t want that. He had already embarrassed himself in front of Buffy enough to last a lifetime, not to mention that she was probably terrified of him by now, considering his behavior the last time. If she would see him now, here, she would probably call the cops, thinking he was stalking her. Which was, he supposed, exactly what he was doing.

The thing was, he didn’t understand what it was about Buffy that made him acting this way. Sure, she was pretty, surprisingly innocent, and had been nothing but kind to him, something he wasn’t exactly used to when it came to other people. But there was more than that, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. She brought out these feelings inside him that he didn’t understand, feelings that he shouldn’t be able to feel, for anyone. Because he was dead inside, having spent his entire life pushing people away, and didn’t know how to act differently. Hell, he didn’t want to, because he knew that letting people close would only lead to pain, and he’d had enough of that. He had accepted the thought of always being alone, a long time ago.

Yet, there was Buffy. For some reason he didn’t think she would hurt him, but that didn’t mean he could trust her. Years of experience had taught him that the only person in the world you could trust was yourself, and he had been fine by himself so far. The day he had turned eighteen, he had left the house, and his so called life, in London without looking back. He had left everything he had behind, had even gone so far as to change his name and looks, not wanting anything that reminded him of his old life. When he had first settled down in this sleepy little town called Sunnydale, it had been with a feeling of relief. Nobody knew him here, he had a chance to start over. Of course, it hadn’t been that simple.

He had thought that as soon as he had put enough distance between himself and his old life, the nightmares would stop. Instead, they had only become worse. He had started taking sleeping pills, hoping that maybe he would be able to sleep for the entire night without waking up in cold sweat every hour. That hadn’t happened so far. A part of him realized that the pills wouldn’t help and that he should just stop taking them. But he was clinging to the false hope that, eventually, things would change if he would just keep taking them. Of course, he knew deep down that it wouldn’t happen.

Now he snapped out of his thoughts, realizing that he was standing right outside Buffy’s house. He couldn’t help but wonder if she was home, for a brief moment actually considering walking up to the front door and ring the doorbell. Then he shook his head, as if to clear it, and took a step back. A voice inside his head was screaming at him to leave, and he finally decided to do as it said. He turned around, and almost bumped into Buffy.

“Spike?” Buffy looked surprised. “Did you…?” She hesitated. “Did you come here to see me?”

“What? No!” His head was spinning and he had no idea what to say. He silently cursed his stupidity, why hadn’t he just left when he had the chance?! How the bloody hell would he explain this? He missed the disappointed look on her face as he desperately searched his head for an explanation that wouldn’t make him seem completely crazy. “I, uh… was out for a walk, I just happened to pass by.”

“A walk?” Now she stared at him in disbelief. “Do you go for a stroll in this part of town often?”

Could he feel more like an idiot? Most likely not. He fought the urge to roll his eyes as he mumbled, lamely; “It happens.”

“Right.” Buffy was silent for a moment, then actually burst out laughing. Seeing his confusion, she stopped, abruptly. “Sorry, I…” She glanced at him, but he looked away. “It’s just that I’ve been spending the last couple of days running around town, looking for you. And now I run into you, here, just outside my own house.” He finally looked at her, a blank look on his face, and Buffy sighed. “You have to admit, it’s kinda funny.”

He wasn’t sure he had heard her right. “You’ve been looking for me?” She nodded. “Why?”

Buffy shrugged, suddenly looking nervous. “I don’t know. I just…” She swallowed. ”Do you… do you wanna come in?” She gestured towards the house.

His eyes widened and he shook his head, firmly. “No, I shouldn’t… That’s probably not a good idea. I should just go.” She frowned, and he hurried to add; “I’m sure you have better things to do than standing here, talking to me.”

She stared at him. “I just said I’ve been looking for you.” He had no idea what to say to that, so he remained silent. Buffy lowered her eyes. “If you really wanna go, I’m not gonna stop you.”

He eyed her, almost suspiciously, for a moment, then sighed. “Look, it’s not that I don’t…” He sounded frustrated as he went on; “I told you before, you should stay away from me.”

Buffy looked up, glaring at him. “If that’s what you want, maybe you should stop taking your daily walks outside my house!”

He became quiet, clearly ashamed. “Buffy…”

She interrupted him, her voice softening. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re here.” He opened his mouth, then closed it again, and Buffy had to smile a little at his shocked expression. “Are you sure you don’t wanna come in?” Before he got the chance to answer, she went on; “You know what? I was going to meet up with my friends for lunch, but for some reason I lost my appetite. Now I’m starving. Do you wanna go somewhere and get something to eat?”

He was going to say no, he really was. But the pleading look on her face was impossible to miss, and suddenly he didn’t have the heart to turn her down. “I did skip breakfast.”

Her face lit up. “Does that mean you’ll come?”

Spike was quiet for a moment, realizing it was his last chance to back out. Then he nodded. “Yeah, I’ll come.”


TBC

”My dad left again last night. I’m surprised he stayed as long as he did. He spends more time with his secretary than with my mother.” Buffy took another bite of her sandwich, glancing at Spike. So far she had been talking almost non stop, and he had hardly said a word. Still, she felt more comfortable with him than with her friends, at least after this morning. She couldn’t help but wonder if he thought she was talking too much, and blushed a little. But he didn’t seem to be bothered by her ramblings.

It was weird, though, Buffy knew that most people in town avoided Spike, but when she was alone with him like this, she couldn’t understand why. He was nice and polite, and for some reason seemed to be almost shy around her, something she found both amusing and sweet. She wanted to get to know him better, hell, she wanted to know everything about him, but wasn’t going to make the same mistake as the other night and ask anything he might find too personal, at least not yet. She knew she was falling for Spike, big time, but wasn’t sure of what to do about it. Still, she suspected that if she wanted things to go any further, she would have to be the one to take the next step.

“I heard about what happened the other night.” Spike looked confused so she hurried to explain. “The fight. The way you saved Xander.”

Spike raised a brow. “He said that?”

“Well… More like let it slip out.” Buffy rolled her eyes, still upset about Xander’s behavior. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Shrugging, Spike took a sip of his coffee. “Wasn’t like that. Just happened to pass by.” He suddenly seemed to be very interested in something at the bottom of his cup. “Didn’t really care about your friend, just wanted a fight. Really, m’not a hero, pet.”

Buffy was quiet for a moment. “Well, you did save me the first time we met.”

Spike looked up. “That was different. Would never let anything happen to you if I could stop it.” Then he realized what he just said and looked away. “I mean…”

Noticing his discomfort, Buffy decided to take pity on him and change the subject. “So, what have you been up to the last couple of days?”

He was relieved that she was kind enough to let his comment slip. “Not much.” Then he almost rolled his eyes at that, realizing that he had to sound like the most boring person ever. But what was he suppose to tell her? That he had spent most of the time in a fog, caused by the amount of alcohol he had been consuming? Not bloody likely! That would scare her away for sure. Then he frowned. Wasn’t that what he wanted? For Buffy to stay away from him? At least that’s what he was constantly telling himself, but a part of him wasn’t so sure anymore. The more time he got to spend with her, the more he found that he really enjoyed being in her company. And that both confused him and scared him.

Now he caught her looking at him, but the moment their eyes met, Buffy quickly looked away, blushing. He couldn’t help but smile a little, finding her behavior adorable. “What about you?”

She looked up, surprised. “What?” Then she realized what he meant and blushed again. “Oh.” She missed the amused look on his face. “I’ve been working. Got a part time job at Double Meat Palace. You know were that is?”

Spike nodded. “Never been there, though. Looks kinda…” He shrugged, not wanting to say what he really thought about the place. After all, she had to work there.

“It’s not as bad as it looks on the outside.” Buffy paused, frowning. “Well, actually it’s even worse. But it’s a job. What do you do?” Too late she remembered the silent rule about personal questions, but to her relief, he didn’t seem to mind. Then she realized that it might have something to do with the fact that she had asked something about his life here in Sunnydale, and not about his past.

He shrugged. “Take whatever job I can get. Been working at the gas station down town for the last couple of weeks.”

“Really? That sounds…” Buffy couldn’t help but give him a teasing smile. “…even worse than my job.”

Spike chuckled. “Probably. Pays the bills, though.”

“I guess.” Buffy got a longing expression on her face. “I’d kill to get my own place.” Then she seemed to be thinking about something. “Second thought, my parents are never home anyway. Got the house to myself most of the time.”

“Yeah?” Spike remembered her saying something about her parents being away when he had spent the night at her place. Or half the night, anyway. “You okay with that?”

Buffy looked down at her hands. “When they’re both home, they’re always fighting.” She paused. “I’m pretty sure my dad’s sleeping with his secretary. Think my mom knows as well, at least she’s suspecting it. And yet she stays with him. Sometimes I wish she would just…” She stopped, putting on a strained smile. “I’m sorry, you don’t wanna hear about that.”

Spike didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t used to people talking to him about things like that. Hell, he wasn’t used to people talking to him at all. But just like the other day, he didn’t like to see Buffy upset. Since he was probably the last person in the world who would be able to give some kind of advice regarding family issues, he decided to change the subject. “You, um, wanna go for a walk?”

She looked up, a grateful look on her face. “Sure.” Spike ignored her objections and paid for both of them and they left the restaurant together. They started walking and for a couple of minutes, neither of them said anything. Finally Buffy broke the silence. “I’ve had a really good time. Maybe…” Then she hesitated, suddenly feeling shy. She really wanted to see Spike again, but was afraid to ask him directly. Things had gone so well today, she didn’t want to say or do something that would make things weird between them again. But she feared that if she didn’t ask, nothing would ever happen. As he gave her a questioning look, she stopped walking and took a deep breath. “Maybe we could do it again some time?”

“Um…” Spike stopped as well. He looked both surprised and a little startled. “You wanna go out for lunch again?”

“Sure, we could do that.” Buffy kept her eyes on the ground, too embarrassed to look at him. “Or we could…” She swallowed. “It doesn’t have to be lunch. We could… maybe go to a movie or something. Like a…” Now her voice was barely more than a whisper. “Like a… date?” When he didn’t say anything, she finally looked up. “Spike?” He opened his mouth, then closed it again, obviously at a loss for words, and she looked away again. “Never mind. Excuse me while I’ll go and put a paper bag over my head.” She started walking again, desperately fighting the urge to run away, crying. God, could she be more of an idiot? Of course he didn’t want to see her again, what had she been thinking?

“Buffy, wait…” She stopped, but refused to look at him. He took a couple of steps towards her, then stopped again, swallowing. “I’m sorry, it’s just…” He hesitated and she realized that he was just as nervous as she was, maybe even more. “I don’t date.”

“Why not?” She finally dared to look at him but now it was his turn to look away. He just shrugged, and for a moment Buffy felt like crying. Or possibly scream in frustration.

“I…” A million thoughts rushed through Spike’s mind and he felt like his head was spinning. The truth was, he wanted to see Buffy again. For the first time in his life, he actually enjoyed spending time with someone; the moments spent with Buffy made him feel happier and more alive than he could remember ever feeling before. He knew it wouldn’t last, of course. The moment she would find out the truth about him and his past, that he would never be able to give her what she needed, she would leave him. But maybe he would at least get to feel like a real man for a little while, to feel what it would be like to be happy, even if it was just for a short period of time.

With his mind made up, he finally went on; “If you really want... Think I might be able to make an exception.” Did he actually just say that? His eyes widened when he realized that there was no turning back now, but for some reason he didn’t care. The hopeful smile on Buffy’s face was enough to make the last of his doubts go away. He knew that it was just a matter of time before he would end up alone and miserable again, but right now he was determined to enjoy it while it lasted. “You wanna go out with me tonight?”


TBC

Buffy was nervous. No, that was a huge understatement, she was way beyond nervous by now. At the same time, she was more excited than she could remember ever being before. Glancing at her watch, she realized that Spike would arrive any minute to pick her up for their date. She was going on a date, with Spike! A part of her still had a hard time taking in the fact that he had actually asked her out. Well, technically she had been the one to ask him first. She could hardly believe that, either. Now she almost blushed when she recalled how persistent, not to mention pushy, she had been; first suggesting they would go out for lunch and then insisting they should do it again. The thing was, the way she had been acting around Spike was so not like her, at all.

She had always been kind of shy around guys before, and if anyone had told her two weeks ago that the day would come when she would ask a guy out, she would have laughed in their face. Buffy’s history of dating wasn’t exactly the best; for some reason she'd always seemed to fall for the wrong type of men. Her first crush had been a good looking guy called Parker Abrams. When he first approached her in school, her experience with guys had been a big fat zero, and now she cringed at how naïve she had been back then. Parker had seemed very nice and acted like he was really interested in her, and Buffy had been thrilled at the attention he kept showing her.

One of the biggest mistakes she had ever made, and something a part of her would always regret, was agreeing to having sex with him. He’d kept insisting and she had been weak, afraid that if she’d say no, he would leave her and move on to someone who would give him what she wouldn’t. That alone should have been enough to make her see that he wasn’t the one for her. But a part of her had also wanted to do it, she was curious and she definitely didn’t want to be the last virgin on earth. Truth to be told, the first time hadn’t been terrible, she could’ve done a lot worse. Parker had been patient and gentle, and even though she didn’t exactly get to experience the miracle of the orgasm she had read so much about – which she was half convinced was really just a myth, anyway – it hadn’t hurt too much and she had actually felt different afterwords, like she had finally become a real woman.

Unfortunately, the next morning she woke up alone. Parker had left in the middle of the night without a word and after that, he simply ignored her when they ran into each other in school. Two days later, she saw him leaving the school building holding hands with a tall brunette with huge boobs and way too much makeup. Apparently, she hadn’t been good enough for him, although she had never managed to figure out what she’d done wrong. And she had been way too embarrassed to walk up to Parker and confront him. He had been her first love, and she had been stupid enough to think that he had actually felt the same way. She could still remember how humiliated she had felt when she realized that he had only wanted her for one thing.

Then there was Angel. He was tall, dark and mysterious, and Buffy had fallen for him the minute she first saw him. Even though he never showed the slightest sign of interest in her, she had followed him around for years, like a puppy, never stopped hoping that one day he would notice her. Then one night, almost a year after they had graduated, he had finally approached her at The Bronze. For a brief moment, when she had been dancing in his arms, she had felt like the luckiest girl in the world. And then he had brought her outside and tried to rape her.

And Spike had showed up, had entered her life like a knight in shining armor and saved her from Angel before he had actually managed to go through with it. At first she had been afraid of him, had started to think that maybe all men were the same, but Spike had proved her wrong. Buffy would’ve thought that after what happened, she would never be able to trust another man again. But she only had to look Spike in the eyes to know that he was different, that he wouldn’t hurt her. Her falling for Spike so deep, not to mention so soon, had certainly been unexpected and a part of her was almost frightened by how strong her feelings for him had already become. After all, she didn’t really know him, he was still practically a stranger. But for some reason, she couldn’t care less. She had never felt so safe with anyone before. Now, if only she could get him to feel the same way around her…

Buffy had already come to the conclusion that something had happened in his past that he didn’t want her to know about, what she couldn’t figure out was what, and why he didn’t want to tell her. Sure, they hadn’t known each other that long yet and she had a pretty good idea that whatever he was hiding, he never talked about it, with anyone. From what she had seen so far, he didn’t seem to have any friends at all, and she suddenly couldn’t help but wonder if his violent behavior and hostile manners was simply a way to keep other people away from him. It didn’t work with her though, and she wondered if she might be the first person he had actually bothered to be nice to since he had moved here. Could that mean that whatever it was she was feeling when she was around him, he felt it too?

His bad temper and sudden mood swings had not passed her unnoticed though, and she had a feeling that if he would ever even consider telling her anything about whatever inner demons he was struggling with, she would have to be very patient. Getting him to trust her would most likely be the hardest thing she had ever done, but she wasn’t about to give up. She could be very persistent when there was something she really wanted, and that was probably a good thing. Because right now she wanted to get to know Spike, and if she had any say in the matter, she would. No matter how long it might take.


TBC

“That was really fun!” Buffy smiled. “I’ve never been on a motorcycle before.” She looked around the small restaurant and had to admit it was quite impressive. When Spike had showed up at her doorstep to pick her up for their date, he had just told her they were going out for dinner, but not where, so she’d had no idea what to expect. But this place looked really nice. She took a sip of her diet coke. “Should’ve known you had one, though. It suits you. The bike, I mean.” It really did. She only wished it would’ve taken them longer to get to the restaurant, she wouldn’t mind sitting behind Spike with her arms wrapped around his waist all night.

Spike shrugged, looking almost embarrassed. “Used to have a car, but I left it back in London.” For a moment Buffy thought that he was going to say something more about it, but he didn’t. Instead he changed the subject. “How’s your food?”

“It’s great!” Buffy shoved some more pasta into her mouth. “I can’t believe I’ve never been here. I didn’t even know this place existed.”

Spike was relieved. He hadn’t been lying when he’d told Buffy that he didn’t date, and he hadn’t been sure of what she’d want to do. But he figured that dinner and a movie would be all right for a first date, and luckily she seemed to agree. And so far, things hadn’t been awkward at all. For a brief moment on his way over to Buffy’s house he had suddenly panicked, wondering what the hell he was doing, and had almost turned around. However, the part of him that really wanted to see Buffy again had won, and he’d kept going. And when Buffy finally opened the door, looking more beautiful than ever, he couldn’t help but think that he had made the right decision after all.

He had to admit, so far he was actually having a good time. He just wasn’t sure if that was really a good thing. The more time he spent with Buffy, the more intrigued he got, and he suspected that she might be feeling the same way. And that scared him, for reasons he didn’t quite understand. This was all so new to him; for as long as he could remember he had kept to himself and been perfectly happy with it. Or maybe happy was an overstatement but it wasn’t like he’d had much choice. Then Buffy had entered his life and suddenly everything had turned upside-down. More than once he had tried to scare her away without success. And now he wasn’t even sure he wanted to anymore.

The nagging feeling in the back of his mind bothered him, though. He knew this was all too good to be true. Sure, Buffy seemed to be enjoying his company for now, although he couldn’t really figure out why. He knew that some girls got turned on by the whole ‘bad boy’ routine, but he wouldn’t take Buffy for one of them. She was way too innocent. Now he glanced at her, only to look away when their eyes met over the table and she smiled at him. She was something, all right, she deserved nothing but the best. Only too bad that could never be him. He would never be good enough for her.

Spike also knew that if they kept spending time together, sooner or later Buffy would want to know about his past. He had been vague about it so far and she had let it be. But the closer they got, the more she would insist. He suspected that it was only a matter of time before she would ask something again. And he feared that when she finally did, he would give in, he would tell her everything she wanted to know. Because he had already realized that he wasn’t able to deny her anything. It was either telling her the truth, or lie. And either way she would end up leaving him. It just wasn’t fair. No matter what he did, he would always have to suffer for his past.

Now he realized that Buffy was talking, and forced himself to snap out of his depressing thoughts and pay attention. “Sorry, luv, didn’t catch that last part.”

Buffy smiled a little. “I just said that this place is really nice and the food is wonderful.” She took a small bite of her chicken. “In fact, this might be the best thing I’ve ever had in my mouth.”

He chuckled. “Is that so?”

She nodded. “Absolutely.” Then she paused. “I’m really glad we came here.”

“Yeah, me too.” He was quiet for a moment, not sure of what to say. “So, um, working tomorrow?”

“No, it’s my day off.” Buffy rolled her eyes, adding; “Thank God!”

“That bad, eh?” Spike raised a brow. “If you hate it so much, why don’t you just quit? I’m sure you could find something better.”

“It’s not like I haven’t been looking.” Buffy pushed away her empty plate and finished the last of her soda. “But I can’t quit until I’ve found something else, or my parents would never let me hear the end of it. To them, quitting a job without having something better to move on to is a failure.”

“Right.” Spike had already decided that he didn’t like her parents that much. “What do you wanna do?”

Buffy shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll just keep working and try to look happy, I suppose.” They both sat in silence for a couple of minutes, then Buffy spoke again; “My parents are really not that bad. They just want what’s best for me, I guess. It’s just that sometimes it gets too much, you know?”

“Not really.” Spike ignored her curious look and decided to change the topics. “It’s getting late. If we don’t wanna miss the movie, we better go.”

“Yeah…” Buffy hesitated. “Look, do we really have to go to the movies?”

Spike tried not to let his disappointment show. “Of course not. I can just give you a ride home.” So, Buffy didn’t want to spend more time with him after all. He should have known. It was probably for the best, anyway. Forcing a smile, he reached for his wallet. “You wanna get our coats?”

“Sure, but…” Buffy gave him a confused look. “Spike, I…”

“It’s all right, I don’t mind.” He slumped back on the chair, desperately trying to act casual. “I know you probably have better things to do, anyway.”

“What?” Buffy’s eyes widened when she realized what he must be thinking. “Spike, no, I didn’t mean it like that.” She swallowed. “I just…” Suddenly she felt really embarrassed. “I’m having a great time and I don’t want the night to end. I just thought maybe we could, you know… do something else.” Then she realized what her words might be implying, and blushed. “Oh God, I didn’t mean… I can’t believe I said that! It came out wrong, I…”

Spike interrupted her ramblings. “What exactly did you mean, pet?” With burning cheeks, Buffy stubbornly kept her eyes on the table, refusing to look at him. She mumbled something he couldn’t make out. “What was that?”

She finally looked up. “I just thought maybe we could go back to my place and watch a movie there, instead.” Before he could say anything, she hurried on; “Only if you want to! Which you probably won’t. Forget I said something, it was a bad idea. Why don’t we just…”

“Buffy…” She immediately became quiet, watching him both expectantly and a little warily. And he had no idea what to say. He knew he should tell her it was a bad idea. Sure, watching a movie at Buffy’s house sounded innocent enough, but it would just be a matter of time before it would lead to talking and God knew what else. And that would be bad. At the same time, he didn’t want the night to end so soon, either. He supposed he could just insist they would go to the movies after all. Then he looked at Buffy. She looked like she was ready to cry, and he realized that she was waiting for him to reject her.

He never would have guessed it, but suddenly he realized that Buffy was just as scared and nervous as he was. He just couldn’t figure her out; one minute she was forward, the next she was shy. Like she knew what she wanted, just not how to handle it. He could relate to that, because he was feeling the same thing. He wanted to be with her, but didn’t know if he dared to take the risk. Then again, he didn’t exactly have anything more to lose. Except for Buffy, but he didn’t really have her in the first place. Taking a deep breath, he reached over the table and placed his hand over hers. “You have any popcorn at your place?”


TBC

The TV was on and Buffy realized she should focus on what was happening on the screen. After all, she was the one who had chosen the movie. But so far, all she could think of was Spike, sitting next to her on the couch. She wished he would put his arm around her, but he seemed to be more interested in the movie than making smoochies on the couch. But maybe that was a good sign, she thought. It meant that he wasn’t just spending time with her because he wanted to get into her pants, like Parker and Angel. In fact, Spike had done nothing so far to indicate that he was even remotely interested in taking things any further between them. Still, the way he kept glancing at her when he thought she wouldn’t notice told her that maybe he felt something after all.

“Something wrong, pet?”

She jumped at the sound of his voice, feeling a little embarrassed. So he had noticed that she wasn’t paying attention to the movie. She gave him a smile she hoped would be convincing. “No! I just…” She hesitated, not sure of what to say. If she had been nervous before, she became even more so when Spike reached for the remote and paused the movie.

“Having second thoughts about us coming here?” He couldn’t help but holding his breath as he waited for her to say something, almost afraid of what her answer would be. Realizing that he had already become more attached to Buffy than he wanted to, he knew he should put up some distance between them before it was too late. But thinking so was one thing. Doing it was another. He didn’t like being so confused about his feelings for Buffy. More than once he had found himself staring at her lips, wondering what it would feel like to kiss her. And that thought alone scared him half to death.

“No, of course not!” The way she said it, and how she responded immediately, told him that she really meant it. Still, he could feel that something was on her mind. He just wasn’t sure he wanted to know what it was.

Buffy cleared her throat, as if to say something, then looked away. He frowned. “Buffy?”

She sighed, finally looking at him. “Well, there is one thing…” Then she hesitated.

“Mind telling me what?” He desperately hoped that he didn’t sound as panicked as he really was. Then again, she seemed to be pretty nervous herself.

Looking away again, Buffy took a deep breath. “I, um…” She let out a nervous giggle, then stopped. “I kinda… well, there’s this guy I sort of like…” Then she groaned. “Oh God, what am I, twelve?! How lame did that come out?”

At first Spike was confused. Then he swallowed. “Go on.”

Their eyes met for a brief moment, then Buffy looked away again, blushing. “All right. This guy… I’m not sure he feels the same way about me.”

Spike was quiet for a moment. “Maybe this guy’s not good for you. Maybe you should just move on to someone better. He might hurt you.”

“Maybe I’m willing to take my chances.” Buffy looked up. “And I don’t think he would hurt me. But maybe he’s afraid I would hurt him.”

“Buffy…” Spike sighed. He was starting to feel uncomfortable. This conversation was taking a turn he really didn’t like. He should’ve known coming here was a mistake. “Maybe I should just…”

“No!” Buffy jumped up, glaring at him. “You always do this; running away as soon as things are starting to get serious. You have any idea how hard this is for me to tell you? I have something to say, and I want you to listen, dammit!” Then she frowned, surprised at her outburst.

Spike looked surprised as well, for a moment just looking at her like he didn’t know if he should run away or stay. Then he nodded. “All right.”

Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again. She was silent for a moment, then got a miserable look on her face. “I don’t know what I was going to say! I just don’t want you to leave.”

Spike couldn’t help but chuckle as she pouted. Then he became serious. “Look, Buffy…” He hesitated. “You’re a great girl, all right? In fact, I think you’re too great. For me, anyway. And you deserve… I could never give you what you need.”

Buffy’s pout disappeared and suddenly she looked upset. “You don’t know that. You have no idea what I need. Maybe I’m the one who’s not good enough for you, ever think of that?” She paused. “And maybe that’s what this is really about. You think I’m not good enough and that’s why you reject me!”

He stared at her in bewilderment. “Are you completely daft?!”

She glared at him. “I don’t know what that means! If you’re gonna insult me, at least do it in English so I understand!”

“What?!” He shook his head. “Never mind. Buffy, you don’t really know me.”

“And whose fault is that?” Buffy sat back down, crossing her arms over her chest. “Look, Spike, I’m not an idiot so don’t treat me like one. You keep shutting me out and it’s obvious that there’s something you don’t want to tell me. And I…” She let out a sigh and leaned back on the couch. “Okay. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t feel anything when we’re together. If that’s so, then this conversation is over. I mean it.”

Spike’s eyes widened in surprise. He looked her right in the eyes and opened his mouth. “I…” Then he stopped.

Buffy looked at him, expectantly. “Well? Say it.”

He was quiet for a minute. “I can’t.”

“Because you feel it too.” It was not a question, it was a state of fact.

Letting out a defeated sigh, Spike nodded. “Yes. But that doesn’t mean…” He hesitated. “Buffy, there are things about me you don’t know. Things that would change the way you feel about me.”

“Tell me.” Buffy gave him a challenging look. “You have a girlfriend back in England? Are you married? You have a bunch of kids?” He just stared at her in shock and Buffy rolled her eyes in frustration. “All right, I take that as a no.” Then she paused. “You… have you been in jail or something?”

“No!” He snorted. “I bloody well have not!”

“Well, that’s good.” Buffy let out a small sigh of relief. “Then I don’t think there’s anything that could change the way I feel.”

“You can’t know that!” Spike sighed. “Buffy, there are things… I really don’t wanna talk about it.”

She nodded. “All right.”

He raised a brow. “All right? That’s it? You’re just gonna let it go?”

Buffy shrugged. “If you don’t wanna tell me, then I’m not gonna force you. You don’t trust me, I get it.”

“That’s not…” Spike closed his eyes for a moment. “What do you want from me?”

Swallowing, Buffy put her hand on top of his. “All I want is for you to give me a chance. Give us a chance.” She let out a shaky breath. “Look, Spike, there are things about me that I haven’t told you yet, either. I’m not saying we have to rush into anything, that’s not what I want. Can’t we just take things really slow and see what happens? Like one day at the time?”

Spike felt like his head was spinning. A part of him wanted nothing more then to say yes. Another part was convinced that it wasn’t worth the risk, he would just end up getting hurt. Or even worse; he would end up hurting Buffy. It wasn’t like he could ever be the kind of man she deserved. Then a frightening thought occurred to him. He could say no and just leave. Buffy would have no choice but to accept it and he would never have to see her again. Then he could go on living his life, just like they had never met. Keep getting drunk every night and spend the rest of his life alone. Only, you couldn’t really call that a life.

On the other hand, if he would give in and give Buffy the chance she asked for, sooner or later she would realize that he wasn’t worthy of her and walk away. Then he would be alone again. If she would find out the truth about him, what he hadn’t been able to prevent from happening when he was a kid, she would probably look at him with disgust. And he didn’t think he could take it. In that case, it was better to just leave now. He had never thought he would be able to fall in love with anyone. But if it turned out that he could love after all, and then Buffy would leave him, he didn’t think he could survive losing her.

Then again, if he would decide that it wasn’t worth the risk and be the one to walk away from her, then what did he have to look forward to? The answer was nothing. He had been looking at himself as a survivor, but the truth was, he didn’t really have anything to live for. At least not until he’d met Buffy. For the first time ever, he actually felt like he had a reason to get up in the morning. Was he really willing to give it up just because he was too much of a coward to take a chance for once in his miserable life? He realized that he already knew the answer to that. Looking at Buffy, he finally made up his mind. “One day at the time, eh? Think I can do that.”


TBC

Buffy grabbed her jacket and was just about to leave the house when the shrill sound of the phone ringing stopped her. Torn between going back to answer, or simply ignore it and leave, she finally turned around with a sigh and went back inside, picking up the cordless phone. “What?”

The woman on the other end sounded annoyed. “Really, Buffy, is that a way to answer the phone?”

She had to suppress a groan. “Hello to you too, Mom. So nice to hear from you.”

Joyce Summers ignored her daughter's sarcastic comment. “I just called to let you know that I’ll probably be home late again tonight. I still got a lot of work to do at the gallery, and then Dean wanted to take me out for dinner.” She paused. “I left you some money on the kitchen counter, but I want you to get something healthier to eat than pizza this time.”

Pizza it is then, Buffy thought. She sighed. “Fine. Look, Mom, I really gotta go…”

“Have you heard anything from your father today?” Joyce interrupted her, and Buffy rolled her eyes.

“No, he hasn’t called.” She glanced at her watch; she was going to be late.

“Right. Of course he hasn’t. That would make him actually care about us.”

Buffy cringed at the angry and hurt note in her mother’s voice. “Mom, I’m sure Dad has…” She hesitated, wondering why she was trying to defend him. After all, it wasn’t like her mother was wrong. “Never mind. Have fun tonight. Tell Dean I said ‘hi’. No, wait. Don’t.”

Joyce let out an irritated sigh. “Buffy, there’s no reason for you to be rude. Dean and I are just friends and it’s not like it’s a date. It’s just dinner.”

”Right.” Buffy rolled her eyes again. Dean Walker was the man working with her mother in the art gallery, and she didn’t like him one bit. He was way too… tall. And once she had seen him wearing a green tweed jacket and blue shoes. There had to be some fashion law against that sort of thing. She shook her head in disgust. “Bye, Mom.”

“Bye, sweetie. And remember, no pizza!” With that, her mother hung up.

Buffy headed for the door when the doorbell rang, causing her to jump. “Now what?!” She hurried over to the door and opened it, determined to get rid of whoever was outside. She was supposed to meet Spike in less than ten minutes and she didn’t want to be late.

“Hi, Buffy! Going somewhere?” Willow was standing on the porch, a hopeful smile on her face. “I was hoping we could, you know, hang out.”

“I’m sorry, Will, but now is really not a good time.” Buffy stepped outside and closed the door behind her. “Some other time.”

Willow’s smile disappeared and she got a disappointed look on her face. “Oh. You’re not still mad, are you? I’m really sorry about the other day.”

“No, of course not.” Buffy hurried to assure her, then realized that wasn’t entirely true. But she didn’t feel like getting into another argument with her best friend, especially not now.

“Good!” Willow sounded relieved. “So, where are you going?”

Buffy hesitated. If she told Willow that she was going to see Spike, the red-head would probably come up with numerous reasons why that was a bad idea. Not that she really cared, or felt that she needed Willow’s approval or anything, but she didn’t have time for that particular discussion now. “I’m meeting up with my mom downtown. And I’m really late. How ‘bout I’ll call you later? We can talk more then.” She felt a little bad for lying to her best friend, but she fully intended to tell her everything tonight, over the phone. And if Willow would have a problem with her seeing Spike, then too bad.

“Sure, Buffy.” Willow smiled a little. “Tell Joyce I said ‘hi’.”

“I will. Bye!” Buffy rushed past her friend and jumped into her car before Willow got the chance to respond.


*~*~*

There was a knock on the door, and Spike frowned. He was supposed to meet Buffy downtown, so she had no reason for showing up at his place now. And since he didn’t exactly have any friends here in Sunnydale, it wasn’t likely that someone else would come visiting him. He opened the door and froze in his tracks, finding himself standing in front of a person he had hoped never to see again. “Mum?” He stared at the woman in shock. “What the bloody hell are you doing here?! How did you…?”

“Find you?” The dark-haired woman watched him, closely, then let out a giggle. “Wasn’t that hard. I had a vision, you see. The stars told me you’d be here.”

Spike snapped out of the shock and snorted. “Are you completely daft?”

The woman shook her head, sadly. “You’ve never had any sense of humor. I hired a private investigator. Happy?”

“Not really.” He glared at her. “Why are you here?”

Her eyes narrowed. “You have done something different with your hair.”

Spike rolled his eyes, feeling a headache coming up. This wasn’t fair. He had done everything in his power to leave the past behind him. His mother had never cared about him before; why did she have to show up now? Why couldn’t she just leave him alone? He felt like his head was spinning. Was Ethan here somewhere as well? He took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. So what? He didn’t have to let that abusive bastard hurt him anymore. And so what if his mother had found him after two years? He didn’t owe her anything.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” Drusilla Rayne gave him an expectant look.

“Not bloody likely.” Spike crossed his arms over his chest. “I have nothing to say to you. Just do us both a favor and go back to the mother country.”

Drusilla got a thoughtful look on her face. “I miss the rain. This place is all wrong. The sun is too bright, it hurts my eyes.”

“Right…” Spike had no idea what she was talking about. His mother was acting really strange, and he found it most disturbing.

Reaching out a hand towards him, Drusilla got a sad look on her face as he flinched away. “Why did you have to leave, my William? Do you have any idea what it did to me?”

Spike just stared at her. “You have got to be fucking kidding me! What it did to you? What about me?! You never cared about…”

“He could never forgive me for letting you go.” Drusilla went on like she hadn’t heard him. “And with you gone…” She lifted her shirt a little, revealing a thin, five-inch scar across her pale stomach. Running her fingers over it, she let out a bitter laugh. “Took the light inside of me, he did. Cut it right out, said it wasn’t his.”

Spike suddenly felt like he was going to be sick. “You’re telling me you were…?” He shook his head in denial. “No. I don’t wanna hear this. You shouldn’t have come here.”

“No, you should never have left.” Drusilla’s eyes were cold as ice as she went on; “But it doesn’t matter anymore. Because he’s gone now.”

“Yeah?” Spike swallowed. “Good for you! You knew exactly what he was doing for all those years but you never cared enough to walk away. But now…”

Suddenly Drusilla burst out laughing. Then she stopped, abruptly. “Oh, William… He would never have let me walk away.” Spike raised a brow in confusion, but didn’t say anything. She smiled a little as she finished; “I killed him.”


TBC

Drusilla cocked her head to the side, watching Spike’s reaction to her words. A small smile was playing on her lips. “We should not be having this discussion in the doorway.” She waited for him to step aside, looking pleased when he did so without a word, and finally entered the apartment. Once inside, she looked around briefly before walking over to the couch and sat down.

Spike, who had remained in the doorway, let out a defeated sigh and closed the door behind him. Then he turned to face his mother. “Why are you telling me this? And why did you have to come here? Why can’t you just leave me the hell alone?”

“You never wanted to hear the truth, did you?” Drusilla got up from the couch and walked over to him. “The truth is, you have been a naughty boy. This is where you’ve been hiding for the last two years? Do you know where I have been all this time?” She tried to put her hand on his cheek, but he shrugged away. Smiling sadly, she absently ran her fingers through her long, dark hair. “I’ve been in hell.”

“Yeah? Join the bloody club!” Spike glared at her. “Do you expect me to feel sorry for you, is that it? I don’t think so! Hardly my fault you were too bloody week to walk away from that bastard years ago.”

Her eyes darkened. “It was not weakness. Ethan loved me. I used to be his entire world.” She got a thoughtful look on her face. “And he was mine. I would’ve given my life for him. In a way, I did.”

“Of course.” Spike swallowed. He wanted to yell at her; demand some kind of explanation, forcing her to realize what her passive actions over the years had done to him. But instead he just stood there, suddenly at a loss for words. He would gladly throw himself into a fight with guys twice his size without a moment’s hesitation, but somehow he found himself unable to confront this woman about his past. And it made him furious. “It’s all about you, isn’t it? Just like it’s always been. Why would you care about what your husband was doing in the next room as long as he came back to fuck you when he was done?”

“Enough!” Drusilla slapped him on the face, something she had never done before. Then she let out a whimper. “Why are you forcing me to do this?” She took a step back and seemed to be looking at something only she could see. Giggling quietly, she walked over to the window and looked outside. “It never gets dark here. It’s wrong. I miss the stars. I miss how they speak to me…” She looked at him over her shoulder. “They do, you know. Sometimes.” Then she giggled again and turned her attention back to what was outside the window.

Spike stared at her. Her behavior was getting more disturbing by the minute, and he suspected that all the years of living with Ethan had finally driven his mother mad. He took a deep breath. “What did you do to him?”

At first, she didn’t answer. Then she slowly turned around to face him. “I took his light away, of course. He took mine, so I had to take his. It was the only way.” She cocked her head again and looked at him. “You understand, don’t you? I couldn’t let him get away with what he had done to me. It wasn’t right.”

He let out a bitter laugh. “Wasn’t right? Unlike what he was doing to me for all those years? Was that bloody right?!”

Drusilla waved her hand in dismissal. “Don’t you see? He hated it, but you gave him no choice.” She paused. “My child was innocent. And now she is no more. For that he had to pay.”


“I don’t want to do this, but you don’t give me any choice.” Ethan slammed his fist into William’s face. “You have misbehaved, and I want you to apologize.”

William swallowed, feeling the blood trickling down from his split lip. “I’m sorry.”

Ethan hit him again. “Sorry for what? I want to hear you say it.”

He glanced at his mother who was standing in the doorway, knowing she wouldn’t help him. “I’m sorry for being bad again. I’ll try to be good, I promise.” The problem was, he never knew what he was doing wrong.

Ethan shook his head. “Trying is not good enough. I have to teach you a lesson.” He paused, obviously enjoying the panicked look on William’s face. “Now, I want you to get down on your knees…”


Spike closed his eyes, forcing the painful memories to the back of his mind. For a moment he felt sick, like he was going to throw up. He wondered if his mother was telling the truth; that Ethan was really dead. A part of him really hoped so. At the same time he hated her for telling him this, knowing that if it was true, then it meant that his mother had been willing to kill her husband for the loss of her unborn child, but she had never even raised her voice at the man for everything he had put him through over the years. “You should leave. Now.” Spike walked over to the door. “And I don’t want you to come back. I have a life now, and you’re not a part of it.”

“A life?” Drusilla laughed, like he had just made a joke. “Is that so? May I ask if there’s a girl involved?”

Spike glared at her. “What if there was? What’s it to you?”

“Oh, William…” Drusilla gave him a sad smile. “Just don’t fool yourself into thinking that she could ever love you.”

He hated the fact that she was able to make him feel so insecure with only a few words. “What the bloody hell are you on about?”

She sighed. “I’m not trying to be cruel, my sweet William. But you have to admit…” The smile was back on her face. “Why would anyone love you?” Before he could say anything - and he had no idea what - she went on; “I’m leaving now, I have to find as place to stay. But William?” He looked at her. “I will come back.”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Don’t bother.” He jerked the door open and gestured for her to get out. “And don’t let the door hit you on…” Then he stopped, finding himself looking at a familiar face and stared at the blond girl who had just raised her fist to knock on the door. “Buffy?”


TBC

”Hi.” Buffy looked nervous. “I…” She hesitated. “I’ve been waiting for you downtown. When you didn’t show up…” She shrugged and looked down at her feet, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

“Yeah…” Spike swallowed, not wanting to meet her eyes. “Sorry ‘bout that. I, um…” He had no idea what to tell her.

Buffy finally looked up. “I’m sorry, if this is a bad time…” She glanced at Drusilla, who had walked up behind Spike. “I didn’t realize you had… company?” She gave him a questioning look, obviously wondering who the older woman was.

Spike opened his mouth, but Drusilla beat him to it. “Such a pretty girl. Her hair has the color of sunshine.” She turned to Buffy. “Some people would say that sunshine has no color. But we both know that’s not true, don’t we?”

“Um… right.” Buffy looked confused. She casted an uncertain look at Spike. “Maybe I should…”

“The day will turn into night and sunshine will be no more.” Drusilla smiled a little, then looked at Spike. “She won’t stay, William. No matter what you’ll do, she will always crave for more. You will never be enough.”

“Excuse me?” Buffy stared at her, then glanced at Spike. She had no idea who this strange woman was, or what she was talking about, but she definitely didn’t like what she was hearing. Then she realized that whoever she was, Spike was clearly not comfortable with having her around. She had expected him to object to the dark-haired woman’s cruel words; tell her off, or at least say something. But for some reason, he seemed to be completely lost. Although he looked upset, he remained silent. Buffy turned back to Drusilla. “Who are you?”

“She’s leaving.” Spike finally spoke up, giving his mother a warning look. “And don’t come back, I mean it.”

Drusilla just laughed. “You can pretend I don’t exist, but you will always remain in the darkness, just like me. She will learn where you belong, and then she will leave. You are beneath her.” Then she turned to Buffy again. “I don’t like sunshine. It hurts my eyes, and it won’t let me see the stars.” She pouted a little, then let out a sudden giggle. “I like the stars. They never lie.” With that statement, she finally left the apartment.

Staring after her in disbelief, Buffy finally snapped out of it and looked at Spike. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, not knowing what to say. Spike kept his eyes on the floor. “I’m sorry.”

Buffy frowned. “For what?” Then she shook her head. “Spike, really, you don’t have to apologize for what…” She hesitated. “Who was that?” He was quiet for a moment, then mumbled something she couldn’t make out. “What?”

Sighing, he looked up and repeated his words; “My mother.”

“Oh.” Then her eyes widened. “Oh!” Now she was more curious than ever. Spike had never said anything about his parents before, of course, he never spoke about his past at all. But maybe now she had the opportunity to find out a bit more. However, the look on his face stopped her from asking; for some reason he looked absolutely terrified. She took a step towards him and gently put her hand on his arm, disappointed, but not surprised when he pulled back. “Spike, are you okay?”

“Sure.” He answered quickly, too quickly, and Buffy was convinced that he was lying.

She tried to get him to meet her eyes, but he stubbornly looked away. “Um… can I come in?”

He looked up then, obviously surprised. “Why? I mean, sure. Whatever.” He took a step back, and Buffy smiled a little as she stepped inside. Spike closed the door behind her, then gave her an uncertain look. “You, um, want a drink or something?”

Buffy hesitated, then shook her head. “No thanks, I’m fine.”

“Right.” He was silent for a moment. “Mind if I have one?” She shook her head again, so he quickly went into the small kitchen and walked over to the refrigerator. Opening the door, he grabbed a bottle of beer. Then his eyes landed on a half full bottle of vodka. Taking out both bottles, he first opened the beer and quickly downed half of its contents in one sweep. Then he opened the other bottle and poured a large amount of the clear liquid into the now half empty beer bottle. Finally satisfied, he closed the door and went back into the living room with the beer in his hand.

While Spike was in the kitchen, Buffy had made her way over to the couch and sat down. Now she looked up as he entered the room. “A bit early for that, isn’t it?” She gestured towards his beer and let out a nervous giggle. When he didn’t answer, merely shrugged, Buffy looked away, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.

Spike was feeling the same way. Remaining standing, he took a sip of his mixed beer and vodka, grimacing slightly. To say that he enjoyed it would have been an overstatement, but he knew the alcohol would have better effect that way. And he wanted to get extremely pissed; the sooner the better. He glanced at Buffy. “So…” He stopped, not sure of what to say. Although a part of him would always be happy to see her, he couldn’t help but wishing that she had stayed away; she couldn’t possibly have picked a worse time for paying him a visit.

“Aren’t you gonna sit down?” Buffy eyed him carefully, then let out a sigh. “If you want me to leave…” She left the rest of the sentence hanging, suddenly looking miserable.

He didn’t answer at first. After taking another sip of his strong drink, he finally spoke. “If that’s what you want.”

“No.” Buffy suddenly looked annoyed. “I asked if you wanted me to leave. Don’t turn my words against me.” He just shrugged, which only made her more upset. “If you’ll keep acting like a jerk, maybe I should leave.” Spike looked down at his feet, and Buffy immediately felt like a real bitch. Rolling her eyes, she made an attempt of lighting up the mood; “Forget it, you’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

He watched her warily for a moment, then hesitantly took a step closer. “Buffy…”

“Spike…” She started at the same time, then gave him a shy smile. “Sorry. Go ahead.”

“No, you…” He stopped with a sigh. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know.” Buffy paused, then patted the couch next to her. “Please, sit down, you’re making me nervous.”

Spike raised a brow, then slowly walked over to the couch and sat down, making sure to leave some distance between them. “Happy?”

“Yeah.” She gave him a thoughtful look. “You don’t really want me to leave, do you? Cause if you do…” Her voice trailed off.

He was silent for a moment. “No.” Then he sighed again. “Look, I…” He hesitated, then drank some more from the bottle. “I don’t want you to leave. But maybe you should.”

“Why?” Buffy inhaled, shakily. “Spike, we’ve been through this. I thought we agreed to take things one day at the time and see what happens. Why are you pushing me away again?”

“Because it’s better that way!” He glared at her. “You’ll leave anyway. My mum’s right; I’ll never be good enough for you.”

Buffy snorted. “Okay, that’s just ridiculous!” Then her eyes widened. “You really believe that’s true, don’t you? That you’re beneath me? God, Spike…!” She reached out her hand towards him, but he jumped up from the couch.

“Don’t touch me!” Spike suddenly slammed the almost empty beer bottle down on the coffee table, so hard that it broke into pieces. “I told you before and I bloody meant it, m’bad!” He glared at her again, daring her to object.

Buffy slowly got up as well, this time not the least bit frightened by his outburst. “Who told you that?”

He just stared at her, startled. “What?”

She approached him slowly. “Who made you think you’re bad? Your mother?” He started backing away, but she followed. “Spike? Talk to me.” Soon he had backed up against the wall, shaking his head fiercely. Buffy stopped a few feet away. “Spike, listen to me. Whoever told you that was wrong, or lying. You’re not bad.”

Spike continued staring at her, then let out a bitter laugh. “You don’t bloody know me!” He gave her a warning look, then repeated his words; “I’m bad.” She opened her mouth to object, but he wouldn’t give her the chance. “Just leave, will ya. Get out.”

“No!” Buffy furiously stomped her foot down on the floor, the childish act causing Spike to frown. She went on; “Keep telling yourself that I’m some selfish bitch who can’t handle the truth if that makes it easier. But I’m not leaving!” She paused. “I mean it, Spike. I’m not going anywhere.” He cocked his head, obviously surprised, but didn’t say anything. Praying that she was finally getting through to him, Buffy slowly reached out her hand towards him again. “Do you remember the first time we met, outside The Bronze?”

He looked confused, but nodded.

“You asked me to trust you.” Buffy looked him right in the eyes. “I was terrified but the minute I looked into your eyes, I knew I could trust you.” She took a deep breath before finishing; “Now I ask you to trust me.”


TBC

“Buffy…” Spike swallowed, suddenly at a loss for words. Deep down he already knew that if there was only one person in this cruel world that he would be able to trust, it would be Buffy. But he had no idea what she expected from him. He had already told her that he could never be good enough for her, that he could never give her what she deserved. But for some reason, she just didn’t seem to care. Instead she kept insisting that he was wrong, that he was good enough. And it confused the hell out of him. For as long as he could remember, he had constantly been told how bad and worthless he was. And it hadn’t taken too long before he was convinced it was true.

And here was this kind and beautiful woman, asking him to trust her. No one had ever done that before. Spike realized that she seemed to truly care about him, but what she obviously didn’t understand was that it didn’t matter whether he trusted her or not. He knew she wanted to know about his past, and as soon as she would find out the painful and humiliating truth, she would look at him differently; either with pity, or disgust. And he honestly couldn’t say which would be worst.

“Spike?” He looked up, but didn’t want to meet her eyes. “What are you so afraid of?”

He snorted, although it came out more like a sob. “I’m not afraid! I just…” He stopped.

“Okay.” She sat back down on the couch. “Let’s just…” She hesitated. “All right. I’ll ask you some questions, you’ll just answer yes or no. Can you do that?” Spike raised a brow, giving her a suspicious look. Finally he nodded. Buffy let out a sigh of relief. “Okay, good. It’s pretty obvious that there’s something you don’t wanna tell me. And you think that if you would tell me, it would change the way I feel about you. Am I right?”

Spike was quiet for a moment, then looked away. “Yes.”

Buffy nodded in understanding. “Do you…” She stopped, giving him a pleading look. “Sit down?” He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then slowly walked over to the couch and sat down. It was obvious how nervous he was; the fear in his eyes impossible to miss, and for a moment Buffy actually considered letting the whole thing go and simply change the subject. But she realized that by doing so, she would do neither one of them any favors. The problems would still be there, they wouldn’t just go away.

She gave him a small smile, not surprised when he didn’t return it. Buffy took a deep breath. “Did something bad happen to you back in London? Is that why you left and came here?” He didn’t respond, just kept his eyes on the floor. “Spike?”

Spike sighed. “Yes.” He could see that Buffy was about to say something more, but he beat her to it. “Buffy, please, I don’t wanna talk about this.”

Buffy opened her mouth to object, but then, although she seriously doubted she was doing the right thing, decided against it. She nodded. “Okay. I won’t bring it up again.” He just stared at her in disbelief, and she went on; “I can’t force you to talk to me. I just hope that some day you’ll be able to trust me enough to tell me. And just so you know…” She reached for his hand, surprised when he allowed her to take it. “Whether you believe it or not, nothing would ever change the way I feel about you.”

He swallowed, afraid that if he would open his mouth, he would start blubbering like a bloody nancy-boy. Struggling to get his emotions under control, he nearly jumped when he felt a warm hand on his cheek. He gave her a startled look, but resisted the urge to pull away from her touch. The truth was, he didn’t want to pull away. Suddenly he got the strange, not to mention disturbing feeling that if she would ever stop touching him, he would die. He had never felt anything like that before, and it scared him half to death. He wanted to ask her what she was doing to him, but for some reason he found himself unable to speak.

“Spike…” She gently ran her fingers down his cheek, looking him deep in the eyes. “You feel it too, don’t you?” He looked into her eyes, like hypnotized, nodding shakily. Buffy let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. “Then nothing else matters,” she whispered, softly. She slowly leaned closer, her eyes never leaving his.

Spike’s eyes widened, and suddenly he couldn’t tell if he was the one who had moved closer to Buffy, or if it was the other way around. Maybe they had both moved towards each other. All he was aware of was her lips, so close to his that he could almost taste her. Then he could feel the softness of her golden hair between his fingers, and realized that somehow, his arms had come to rest around her neck. She was still touching his face, so gently that it almost made him weep. “Buffy…” It came out almost like a whimper as he desperately leaned into her touch.

When their lips finally met, Buffy felt like she had somehow died and ended up in heaven. It wasn’t like she hadn’t kissed guys before, but this was different. It was more than just the feeling of their lips making contact, she felt like her entire body was vibrating, almost like that time when she was six years old and had accidentally come in contact with an electrical fence. Only this time she felt like she never wanted to let go.

Spike had never experienced anything like that before, and when he finally felt Buffy’s soft lips against his, he felt like he was dreaming. But it was far from those nightmares he would find himself trapped in as soon as he closed his eyes. For a moment he was half convinced that he actually was dreaming, because something this sweet and wonderful would never happen to him and any time now he would wake up alone and miserable, just as it should be. But when he felt Buffy finally pull back slightly, gasping for air, only to hungrily catch his lips again in the next moment, he couldn’t help but think that maybe it was real after all.

“Buffy…” Spike breathed heavily into her mouth, tightening his grip around her. He had never allowed anyone to touch him like this before, in fact, the mere thought of being this close to someone, anyone, had always sickened him. But for some reason, he didn’t just enjoy Buffy’s touch, he wanted it, needed it, craved it. He needed her to keep touching him, he felt like if she would stop, he would go insane. It was a completely new feeling, which was scary in a way, but somehow he had ceased to care about anything but the girl in his arms, the feeling of her lips against his, her delicate fingers on his face. For the first time in his life, he felt whole. Complete. He knew it wouldn’t last, it couldn’t, but the truth was that if he would die this very moment, he would die happy.


TBC

“I really should get going.” Despite her words, Buffy made no attempt of getting up. “Any time now.”

Spike chuckled. “You’ve been saying that for two hours.”

Buffy pouted, and he had to resist the urge to start nibbling on her bottom lip. “I know. Don’t wanna move. Too comfy.” She shifted a little in Spike’s arms so she could look at him. “Can’t I stay here tonight?”

He got a surprised look on his face, but quickly covered up. “If you want.”

Buffy gave him a shy smile. “Really? You wouldn’t mind?” She blushed a little. “You probably think I’m silly, but I hate sleeping alone in an empty house. Ever since… you know.” She looked away, not wanting to finish the rest of the sentence.

Spike raised his scarred brow. “And here I thought you wanted to stay ‘cause you enjoyed my company. Guess I was wrong.”

Horrified that he would think that, Buffy grabbed his hand. “God, Spike, I didn’t mean… Of course I…”

He took pity on her. “Relax, pet, m’only teasin’. I know what you mean.”

She didn’t look totally convinced, but decided to let it go. “So, I can stay?” He nodded, after only a moments hesitation. Buffy’s face lit up and she smiled. “Great!” She leaned over and gave him a soft peck on the lips. When she pulled back, she noticed that he wouldn’t meet her eyes, and frowned. “Spike? Is something wrong?” Suddenly she was terrified that he would say yes, that he would tell her that the whole kissing thing had been a mistake. Holding her breath, she waited for him to say something.

Spike hesitated. “Buffy, I…” He stopped, not sure how to go on. It wasn’t that he hadn’t enjoyed kissing her, because he really had, and it was obvious that she had enjoyed it as well. But suddenly he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he had let things go a bit too far. He wasn’t sure he was ready for this. And he didn’t know how to tell her without hurting her. Not to mention that he had no idea what all of this meant to her. Taking a deep breath, he finally looked at her. “Buffy, about before…”

Buffy swallowed. “You’re having second thoughts about this. About us.”

“Didn’t say that. I just…” Spike sighed. ”I’m not even sure I know what this is. There’s an ‘us’?” The disappointed look on her face almost broke his heart, and he suddenly felt like the biggest git in the world. “Bloody hell, I didn’t mean it like that!” He let out a groan, frustrated for not being able to say the right thing. Inhaling shakily, he wanted nothing more than to forget this whole conversation.

Buffy looked down at her hands. “I thought you wanted…”

“No, I did!” Spike reached for her hand, desperate to make her understand. “Buffy, kissing you… it was the most amazing thing ever happened to me. You have to believe me.”

She looked up, stunned by the serious look on his face. Smiling a little, she allowed him to take her hand. “Really?” He nodded. “Then what’s wrong? I feel the same way.”

Spike was quiet for a moment. “I can’t…” He stopped. How could he explain to Buffy that it couldn’t happen again? Just kissing her was all right, he supposed, but sooner or later, she would want to take things to the next level. And there was no way he could ever let that happen. But how could he tell her that? She would never understand.

“Spike?” Startled, he looked at her, amazed at the soft look in her eyes. “Talk to me.”

He shook his head. “Buffy…”

Buffy sighed. “Spike, I like you. I mean, really like you. Don’t you like me?” He nodded again, much to her relief. “So, what’s the problem?”

Spike suddenly felt a desperate need to run away. Unfortunately, since they were already at his place, he really didn’t have anywhere to go. “I can’t…” he repeated, not sure of what he was trying to say.

“Can’t what?” Buffy was obviously not going to just let it go this time. He remained silent. Then he felt her hand on his arm. “Spike, you can’t what?”

He jumped up from the couch and started pacing the room. Finally he stopped. “What do you want from me?”

If she was taken aback by his blunt question, she didn’t let it show. “What do you mean?”

Spike went on, like he hadn’t heard her; “Because whatever it is, I can’t give it to you. Do you understand? I can’t ever give you what you need. What you deserve. I’m not…” He stopped, desperately blinking away tears of frustration.

Buffy got up from the couch and approached him, slowly, as if she was afraid he would bolt if she moved to quickly. She stopped a few feet away. He had yet to move an inch. “Spike?” He refused to look at her. “Spike, please, look at me.” She waited, and after almost a minute, he finally met her eyes. “What about what you deserve? What you need?”

He just stared at her. Buffy gently took his hand, but let it go when she felt him tense up. She sighed. “Spike, listen to me. I don’t know what you’re so afraid of, but it doesn’t matter. You think you won’t be able to give me what I need? Can’t you see that you already do?” She ignored the stunned look on his face and went on; “I just wanna be with you.”

He finally snapped out of it and shook his head in denial. “Not enough.”

She reached out for him again, this time put her hand on his cheek. “It is for me.”

“I can’t sleep with you!” There, he had said it. He took a step back, waiting for her reaction.

Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again. For a moment she seemed to be at a loss for words. Then she swallowed. “I never asked you to.”

“I know that!” Spike glared at her, embarrassed beyond words. “But you will, if we’ll keep…” He paused, angrily wiping at his eyes. “You will, and I can’t… I don’t…”

“Spike…” Buffy took a step towards him, gently putting a finger on his mouth to stop his ramblings. “I said I wanna be with you, and I meant it. But I would never ask you to…” She stopped and let out a small gasp as realization hit her. “Oh my God… You…”

“Don’t!” Spike shoved her aside and headed for the other side of the room, in a pathetic attempt of getting away from her. “Just shut up, you don’t know a bloody thing about me!” She didn’t say anything, so he glanced at her. The sympathy and horror he could see in her eyes was more than he could take. “Please, go home.” To tired to argue with her, he slid down against the wall. “Buffy, please, just leave.”


TBC

”Spike…” Buffy took a hesitant step towards him, then stopped. “You can’t actually expect me to just walk away. Not now.” She swallowed. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Why?” Spike let out a defeated sigh. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“You just don’t get it, do you?” Buffy resisted the urge to scream, although it was hard. “Whatever happened to you, whatever you’re hiding, it doesn’t matter. Because I’m already falling in love with you.”

Spike just stared at her in disbelief. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Then he let out a bitter laugh. “If you knew…”

“Aargh!” Buffy threw up her arms in the air in frustration. She ignored Spike’s frown and walked over to him, dropping to her knees next to him on the floor. “When are you gonna start listening to me? I. Don’t. Care!” Spike opened his mouth again, but she raised her hand to stop him. “I’m still talking, don’t even think about interrupting me!” He raised a brow, but remained silent. Buffy sighed. “I know we haven’t known each other that long, but have I ever given you a reason to doubt me? It hurts me when you refuse to trust me. Do you really think so little of me?”

Spike looked surprised. “What are you…?”

Buffy went on; “I’ve tried to tell you, again and again, that nothing will change the way I feel about you. But you still won’t believe me. Instead you insist on trying to make my decisions for me, trying to convince me that you’re right and I’m wrong. About my own feelings! Just so you know, that’s downright insulting.”

Spike was quiet for a moment. “I never meant…”

“Of course not.” Buffy sighed again. “Spike, I meant it when I said I’m falling in love with you. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life. But it breaks my heart to see you like this.”

“How can you…?” Spike swallowed. “Buffy, I’m…”

“Don’t you dare!” Buffy glared at him. “Don’t tell me you’re bad. It’s not true. I wish you could see it for yourself, but I guess I’ll just have to keep repeating it until you do.” She hesitated. “Who was it?” He just looked at her, so she clarified; “Who hurt you?”

For a long time, he didn’t say anything. Finally he spoke. “Name’s Ethan. He’s… he was married to my mother.”

Buffy suddenly remembered hearing him say that name in his sleep when he had spent the night at her place. He had refused to talk about it back then and had simply taken off in the middle of the night. This time he couldn’t go anywhere. Or he probably could, but Buffy didn’t think he would. Not with her still here. She would just stay at the same spot until he returned, and she had a feeling he knew that. Now she took a deep breath. “What did he do?”

Spike gave her a pleading look, silently begging her to let it go. And she almost gave in, because deep down, she had a pretty good idea what it was he so desperately didn’t want her to find out, and a part of her didn’t want to hear him say it. For the first time, she was the one who wanted to run. But of course, she wouldn’t. Instead, she reached out her hand and gently put it on top of his. What she really wanted to do was taking him in her arms and just hold him forever, but she had a feeling he wouldn’t react too well to that. At least not yet.

Spike focused on the small hand covering his, because it was better than having to look into her eyes. So, this was it. The moment he had feared would come ever since he made the decision to let Buffy into his life. Although a part of him wished it would never have come to this, yet another part was almost relieved. Spending all his time in fear of what would happen when she would finally find out was exhausting. At least now he would know. Still, he wouldn’t look at her. Instead he kept staring at Buffy’s hand, like hypnotized, like he was memorizing it, savouring the feeling of her soft fingers against his. Because after he had told her, it was a good chance she would never touch him again.

‘What did he do?’ she had asked. The question was, what had Ethan not done? And in a way, he was still doing it. Every night, hell, every time Spike would close his eyes, he was back. Back into the hell he had finally tried to escape from, but never fully managed. He had tried so hard to leave everything that reminded him of his old life behind, but in a way, he had never really left. Because he was broken, an empty shell of a man who had ceased to exist even before he had been allowed to start living.

For a little while, he had actually fooled himself into thinking that he wasn’t broken, that maybe he still had a chance to finally have a life after all, a life away from pain. For a while he had been almost happy, thanks to Buffy. But he had always known, deep down, that his past would keep haunting him until the day he died. Suddenly he didn’t care anymore, he just wanted to get it over with. Because being around Buffy and knowing that it was just a matter of time before she would leave him for good was killing him. So he opened his mouth to finally tell her everything, then realized that he didn’t know where to begin. Was there even words to try to explain about the pathetic excuse for a life he had been living? He wasn’t sure.

“You wanna know what he did?” Spike let out a bitter laugh that sounded more like a sob. “He…” He stopped, not able to put words to what he was feeling. Suddenly he feared that even though he was finally ready to tell Buffy the truth, he still wouldn’t be able to say it out loud. A voice inside his head was screaming at him, over and over again, to get up and leave, to run as far away as possible and never come back. But he remained where he was. He was just so tired of running.

“Spike?” Something in Buffy’s voice made him look up, and he noticed that her bottom lip was trembling. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears, and he realized that the tears were for him. She squeezed his hand softly. “You don’t have to say it. I think I already know.”

Maybe she did, but she couldn’t possibly understand. He didn’t even understand it himself. He let out a shaky breath. “Buffy…”

“He raped you, didn’t he?”

A single tear rolled down Buffy’s cheek, and Spike watched it with fascination. Her words had yet to sink in, mostly because he wouldn’t let them. Taking in what they meant would make it real. Instead he reached out a shaky hand and gently wiped away the tear from her face. “Don’t cry.” That only made her tears fall faster, and he didn’t know what to do to make it better. “Buffy, please…” He just couldn’t stand to see her cry.

“God, Spike, I’m sorry.” Buffy was sobbing now, which made him very confused. This was not how he had expected her to react. Shocked, maybe. Disgusted, probably. But not tears. It almost broke his heart, and he would do just about anything to make her smile again. Before he got the chance to tell her that, Buffy inhaled shakily and went on; “It wasn’t your fault. He had no right to hurt you.”

Spike froze, staring at her in confusion. He didn’t understand why she had just said that, because it didn’t make any sense. Of course it was his fault. He’d never known exactly why, and a part of him knew that what Ethan had done to him was wrong, but he had never doubted that any of it had been his fault. He always did something bad, so Ethan had to punish him. Again and again. And now Buffy said that it wasn’t his fault after all. But it had to be. Spike felt like his head was spinning. It had to be his fault somehow, otherwise his mother would’ve never allowed it to happen. Right?

Suddenly, for the first time, he wondered if it was possible that he had been wrong. But he quickly pushed that thought aside, because it almost made him feel even worse. He had told himself, countless times over the years, that he always deserved whatever he got. Because if he would admit to himself that he really didn’t; that Ethan kept hurting him simply for his own pleasure, the unfairness of it all would destroy him. That, and realizing that his mother really didn’t care about what happened to him. He started shaking his head in denial. “You’re wrong. It was my fault.” Buffy opened her mouth to object, but he wouldn’t let her. “You don’t know me. You don’t know what I did. Maybe I…” He stopped, suddenly glaring at her. “Stop looking at me like that! I don’t want your pity.”

Buffy looked at him, but didn’t say anything. Instead she just wrapped her arms around him. Spike froze, trying to pull away, but she wouldn’t let him. “It’s gonna be okay,” she whispered, gently running her fingers through his hair.

Spike couldn’t help but laugh, at least he thought it started out as a laugh. Then he realized that he was sobbing. It was ridiculous, nothing was ever going to be okay. He wanted to tell her, but found that he was too exhausted to even open his mouth. He wanted to push Buffy away, didn’t want her to see him like this, but suddenly couldn’t bring up the energy to care. That’s when he realized that she had meant what she said. She really wasn’t going anywhere.


TBC

”Spike?” Buffy finally pulled back a little, but he refused to meet her eyes. “Spike, look at me.” Spike stubbornly kept his eyes on the floor. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so completely exposed, and even though it was just Buffy, he still felt uncomfortable. So, now she knew. What surprised him was the fact that she was still here. Sure, she had told him she would be, over and over again, but he hadn’t really believed her. Now he jumped in surprise when she ran her fingers gently up and down his arm, but resisted the urge to pull away. “Please?”

He let out a sigh, and finally looked up. It was pathetic really, how he was unable to deny her anything. Even more so now, he realized, after seeing her tears. No one had ever cried for him before. Looking down at the hand still softly rubbing his arm, he realized that it was shaking, slightly. Only he wasn’t sure if it was her, or him. He got a feeling that she wanted him to say something, but he couldn’t for his life figure out what that would be. Wasn’t it enough that she knew, did she have to hear his whole tragic life story? Because he wasn’t sure he would ever be ready to give her the details.

“You’re ashamed of what happened.” It was not a question, it was a state of fact. Buffy inhaled, shakily. “Spike, why? It wasn’t your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Exactly what he should’ve needed to hear, yet the words meant nothing to him. Because he still refused to see the truth, not to mention that he needed it to be his fault. He needed a reason for what Ethan had done to him, a reason why his mother had simply stood by and watched all those years, instead of coming to his rescue. He needed to believe that had he only been good and behaved, then none of it would’ve happened. Spike had spent his entire life in denial, and he was not ready to admit it. He was terrified that the truth would drive him insane, like it obviously had done to his mother. It was so much easier to just remain in the safe little bubble he had created for himself. However, Buffy obviously had other ideas.

He gave her a pleading look, silently praying that she would drop it, although he knew it wasn’t likely to happen. Though a part of him was grateful for her presence, another part – the part that had been forced to depend on no one but himself for as long as he could remember – desperately wished she would just let it go. Of course, she wouldn’t. Suddenly he felt a desperate need to do something, anything, to change the subject and make her forget what they were really talking about. Without even thinking, he grabbed her arms and pulled her close to him, pressing his lips against hers and kissed her, almost fiercely.

For a brief moment he felt her respond to his actions by leaning into his touch with a soft moan, then she tensed up and pulled back. “Spike, what are you doing?”

Desperate to make her see that nothing had changed – that he still wanted to be with her and maybe even more so; that she still wanted to be with him – Spike tightened his grip on her arms to keep her from pulling away. “Stop fighting it, luv, I know you want it.” He couldn’t let her go, not now, he needed her. “I’ll make you feel it!”

“Spike, no, not like this…” Buffy tried to push him away so she could look him in the eyes, make him see that she was serious, but he wouldn’t let her. Instead, he pushed her back against the wall, pinning her arms over her head, and she started to panic. “Spike, stop!”

He stopped immediately, staring at her in confusion for a moment. Then his eyes widened as he realized what he had done and he scrambled to his feet, starting to back away from her. Buffy remained on the floor while her brain tried to register what had just happened. One minute Spike had been quiet, refusing to even look at her, and the next he had tried to force himself at her. Of course, deep down she knew that he had never intended to hurt her, but for a moment, she had been back in the alley outside The Bronze the night Angel had tried to rape her. The mere thought that Spike would ever do something similar was ridiculous though, she felt completely safe with him. Still, everything had happened so fast and he had taken her off guard.

Having backed up against the opposite wall, Spike seemed to be frozen in shock. Then he suddenly snapped out of it, shaking his head in denial. “Buffy… I didn’t… I would never…”

Finally getting up, Buffy held up her hands in a calming gesture. “It’s okay.”

Spike stared at her in disbelief. “How the bloody hell can you say that?!”

Buffy approached him, slowly. “It’s okay,” she repeated, ignoring the way her voice was trembling. “Let’s just talk about this.”

He let out a bitter laugh, not believing what he was hearing. After what he had done, she still wanted to talk? “I hurt you. I’m sorry.”

“No…” He looked so lost, it nearly broke Buffy’s heart. “Spike, no, I’m fine. You didn’t hurt me. You just…” She hesitated. “…startled me, that’s all. I’m okay, really.”

“How can you be like that?!” Tears of confusion and frustration welled up in his eyes. “I hurt you, I try to push you away, again and again. And every time, you…” He swallowed. “Can’t you just see that I don’t bloody deserve it?! Why are you still here?!”

“Because I love you, you idiot.” She glared at him through tear-filled eyes.

For a couple of minutes, neither of them said anything. Finally Spike spoke, although it was barely more than a whisper. “I don’t want you to love me.” It was a lie, and they both knew it. He was just so confused; he couldn’t even begin to understand what it was she saw in him. Buffy was such an amazing woman; she could probably have any man she wanted. Question was, why would she want him? He felt something when he was around her, but was it love? Was he even capable of loving someone?

“Spike, I’m so sorry for what happened to you. No one should ever have to go through that.” Seeing that he was about to object, she hurriedly went on; “Please, just stop pushing me away and let me help you. You’re not alone anymore.” She paused. “I know it won’t be easy, but we’ll get through this together.”

He wanted to say yes, he really did. But he realized that if he so much as opened his mouth, he would start blubbering. Instead he just nodded.

Buffy let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. She ached to touch him, but wasn’t sure how he would react. So she just reached out her hand towards him, begging him with her eyes to accept it. After a moment’s hesitation, he did. Sighing with relief, Buffy slowly took a step closer, burying her face against his chest. For almost a minute, they just stood like that, then Spike raised his arms and wrapped them around her. When she finally allowed herself to hug him back, he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the top of her head.


TBC

Buffy had finally finished her shift at the Double Meat Palace and was just about to leave, when she almost bumped into Willow and Xander. She had to suppress a groan; why did they have to show up now? She so didn’t have time for this. Putting on a strained smile, Buffy prayed that her friends were just here to eat. But she seriously doubted it. “Hey guys.” She hoped that she didn’t sound too annoyed. “I’m just going off my shift.”

“Perfect!” Willow beamed. “Then we can sit down and talk.”

“Yeah,” Xander agreed with a goofy grin. “Feels like we haven’t seen you in weeks. So, Buffy, what have you been up to lately?”

Buffy sighed. She didn’t want to be rude, and she had missed her friends, even though things hadn’t been exactly the same between them lately. But this was a terrible time; she was already late. In less than two hours, Spike was supposed to pick her up at her place and she was in a desperate need for a shower. They were going out on their first real date tonight; just dinner and a movie, but Buffy had never been more excited about anything in her life. Sure, technically they had been out before, but still, this was their first official date as a couple.

She was determined for the night to be perfect. But for that to happen, she had to at least be home and ready in time. Xander and Willow would just have to understand. “I’m really sorry, guys, but I have to go.”

Willow’s smile disappeared and Xander got an annoyed look on his face. “What’s the matter, Buff? Will and I not important enough anymore? Can’t find the time to fit us into your busy life?”

“Xander…” Willow gave her friend a disapproving look, then turned to Buffy with an uncertain smile; “It’s just that we hardly ever see you anymore, you know? And you never called me back last night like you said you would.” She wasn’t able to hide her disappointment, and Buffy suddenly felt like the worst friend ever.

“God, Willow, I’m so sorry! I meant to call you, I really did, but…” She hesitated, not sure if now was the time to tell her friends about her and Spike. But she really didn’t want to keep them in the dark, either. So she took a deep breath. “Okay, look. The reason I haven’t been around much lately is because I… well, let’s just say I’m kinda seeing someone.”

“Buffy!” Willow grabbed her arm and bounced up and down. “Oh my God, that is so great, I’m so happy for you!” She gave Buffy a hug, then pulled back with a frown. “But why haven’t you said anything?”

“Because she’s dating Spike.” Xander practically spat the name out, a disgusted look on his face. “Isn’t that right, Buffy? That’s why you haven’t said anything and why you have been avoiding us. Because you knew how we would react.”

Willow looked from Xander to Buffy. “Buffy, is that true?”

Buffy was torn between wanting to punch Xander in the face, or simply walk away. But she had a feeling that leaving right now would only make things worse. She silently counted to ten before answering. “Yes, Willow, it’s true.”

“Oh, okay.” Willow obviously wasn’t sure of how to react to the news. “Congratulations, I guess.” She smiled a little.

“Willow!” Xander stared at her in disbelief. “How can you say that? Can’t you see that Buffy’s about to make the biggest mistake in her life? I mean, it’s Spike for crying out loud!”

“That’s enough, Xander.” Buffy glared at him. “I know you don’t like Spike, but I don’t care. I like him and that’s all that matters. And if you’re really my friend, you’ll accept that.” She had to force herself to act all calm and mature, but on the inside she was fuming. How dared Xander think he had the right to tell her who she could or could not be with?

Xander was quiet for a moment. “It’s just that… I thought I knew you, Buffy. And now it turns out that I really don’t know you at all. Forgive me for being a little disappointed.” He sighed. “Maybe we should just go.” He gave Willow a questioning look. “Will?”

“Xander, wait.” Willow gave him a pleading look, then turned to Buffy. “Buffy, we just want you to be happy.”

“Willow, I am happy.” Buffy crossed her arms over her chest, a firm look on her face. “Question is, can you be happy for me?”

Willow swallowed, suddenly looking hurt. “Of course I can, Buffy. If you really wanna be with Spike, then that’s your decision. I just wish you’d told us, instead of keeping it a secret.”

Buffy nodded. “I know, and I’m really sorry.” She turned to Xander. “What about you, Xander? Can you accept the fact that Spike makes me happy? Cause if you can’t, I don’t think we can be friends anymore.” It was very hard for her to actually say those words, but she felt it was necessary. Xander had to realize that she was serious.

Xander just looked at her for a moment, then looked away. “I guess I’ll have to.” He looked up. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it, though.”

“No, it doesn’t.” Buffy looked him right in the eyes. “But I’m not gonna accept any more crap from you about Spike. You have the right to your opinion, but from now on, you’ll keep it to yourself.”

He had the decency to look ashamed. “Yeah, okay.”

“Thank you.” Buffy was relieved. Then she glanced at her watch. “I’m sorry, but I really need to get going. How about I meet you guys at the Bronze tomorrow night? Then we can talk some more.”

Willow nodded eagerly. “Okay. But then you’ll have to tell us everything!”


*~*~*

Spike grabbed his duster and headed for the door. A part of him still had a hard time to take in the fact that he was going out on a date with Buffy tonight. She knew about his past, at least a part of it, and she still wanted to go out with him. She had told him that she loved him and didn’t even seem to care that he hadn’t said the words back. He wasn’t sure if he ever would be able to say them, but he sure hoped he would, some day. Because Buffy deserved to be loved.

She had told him that she just wanted to be with him, that it was enough, and for the first time, he was actually prepared to believe her. After his confession last night, Buffy had seemed willing to let it go and they hadn’t really talked more about it. For that he was grateful. He knew it would come up again, sooner or later, but right now he didn’t care. Because Buffy knew about what happened to him, and she wasn’t going anywhere. To say that he was relieved would be a huge understatement; words were just not enough to describe how he felt.

Now he would go to Buffy’s place and pick her up for their date, and he was going to make sure that tonight would be perfect, no matter what. Because tonight was not about the past, it was all about the future; his future with Buffy, and tonight they would just be two people out on their first date. To tell the truth, he had never been more excited about anything in his entire life. He opened the door, and found himself standing face to face with his mother.

“William…” Drusilla’s face was pale, even more so than usual, and it looked like she might have been crying. “The stars lied to me, made me see things that wasn’t real.”

“What are you doing here?” Spike closed his eyes for a moment, forcing himself to stay calm. He had known, deep down, that it was just a matter of time before his mother would show up again, but why tonight of all nights? He shook his head, as if to clear it. “Never mind, I don’t have time for this.” He stepped past her and closed the door behind him.

“William, I’m sorry. “Drusilla grabbed his arm to stop him. “Don’t you see? I was wrong and now I will be punished. And so will you.” She let out a soft whimper. “They made me see what really happened and I was wrong.”

Spike pulled away from her, ignoring her ramblings. He had no idea what she was talking about, nor did he care. “Look, Mum, I don’t know what you’re on about, but I don’t care. I’m out of here, and you better not be here when I’ll get back.”

“No, William, wait…” Drusilla tried to plead with him, but he refused to listen. He was not going to let anyone ruin his date with Buffy tonight, especially not his mother. This was just so typical; for once he had decided to let go of the past, at least for tonight, but it just didn’t seem possible. Determined to get to Buffy’s place in time after all, he just walked past Drusilla without looking back.

“Don’t go!” Drusilla didn’t follow him, but she kept calling out for him, even though Spike had already disappeared out of sight and wasn’t likely to hear. Defeated, she slid down against the door, sobbing. “I was wrong… Oh God, please don’t let him find me again…”


TBC

”So, did you enjoy the movie, luv?” Spike didn’t want to admit that he hadn’t really paid much attention to the movie they had been watching, since he had been too busy watching Buffy. That’s why he decided to ask about her opinion before she could ask him.

“Yeah, sure!” Buffy gave him a bright smile. “The best movie I’ve ever seen.” Then she quickly looked away, not wanting Spike to find out that she had no idea what it had been about. Because the moment he had put his arm around her shoulders in the darkness at the movie theater, her ability to focus on anything else had flown right out the window.

“Really?” Spike gave her a suspicious look. “What was your favorite part?”

Buffy stared at him blankly for a moment. “Um… the part with…” She blushed, then stubbornly looked at him. “What was yours?”

Spike opened his mouth, then closed it again. Buffy kept looking at him, expectantly. Finally he shrugged, an innocent expression on his face. “Hard to say. Was all good.”

Buffy was silent for a moment, then nodded, eagerly. “Yeah, I agree.” Then she decided to change the subject. “So, dinner? Where are we going? You said it was going to be a surprise.”

“Right. Well…” Spike suddenly seemed a little nervous. “I was thinking we could go back to my place.” Seeing the look on Buffy’s face, he hurried to add; “For dinner, I mean. Thought I could, you know…” He hesitated, clearly embarrassed, something Buffy found highly amusing, not to mention adorable.

Now she looked surprised. “You can cook?” He raised a brow, pretending to be offended, and Buffy giggled. “Sorry. I just meant… never mind.” Then she gave him a sweet smile. “Sounds wonderful.”

He let out a snort. “Just don’t expect anything too fancy. Hate to disappoint you.”

She placed her hand on his arm, looking him straight in the eyes. “You could never disappoint me.” Spike looked relieved. Instead of responding, he gently put his hand on her cheek and placed a soft kiss on her lips. Buffy closed her eyes and happily leaned into his touch, but pouted when he suddenly pulled back, way too soon for her liking. Then she couldn’t help but add, a teasing note in her voice; “Besides, we can always call for a pizza if it turns out to be too bad.”

Spike mock glared at her, causing her to giggle again. “Think I could do a bit better than that, pet.”

Her smile widened. “Better than pizza? In that case, I might have to move in with you for good.” Then she blushed, realizing what she had just said. She had meant it as a joke, but now she felt stupid for just blurting it out. Luckily, Spike didn’t seem to mind. Letting out the breath she had been holding, Buffy cleared her throat. “So, your place, huh? Lead the way!”


*~*~*

The ride back to Spike’s place went rather quickly, and when he jumped off the motorcycle outside the house, he couldn’t help but think about how much things had changed for the better for him lately. As they walked up to the front door, he glanced at Buffy and wondered, not for the first time, whatever he had done to deserve someone as amazing as her. He still had a lot of issues to work out, of that he was fully aware, but he was able to see things a bit differently now. At least he had stopped expecting his new-found happiness to disappear at any moment.

When he put his hand on the door handle, about to open, he frowned. He thought he had locked the door before he left, as usual, but obviously he had been wrong. Buffy noticed his confusion. “Something wrong?”

“No, I just…” Spike shook his head, as if to clear it, then shrugged. “Guess I must’ve forgotten to lock. No big deal.”

Buffy stared at him in disbelief, then rolled her eyes. “Right. No big deal. Does that happen often? In that case, I’m surprised the burglars are not standing in line outside, waiting for you to leave the house. Then they can just walk right in.”

Spike snorted. “Then I’m afraid they’d be deeply disappointed. Doubt I have much they’d be interested in.” He held up the door and gestured for Buffy to enter, then followed and closed the door behind him. Shrugging out of his duster, he dropped it on the couch. “Make yourself comfortable, luv. I’ll get started with the food.”

“Okay.” Buffy smiled a little. “You want any help? I’m sure there’s something I could do. Want me to set the table?”

He started to object, then changed his mind. “Sure, if you want. Oh, and there’s a bottle of wine in the fridge. Mind opening it? There are glasses on the top shelf in the kitchen cabinet.”

“Got it.” Buffy walked over to the fridge, immediately finding the bottle. She usually didn’t drink much, but she supposed this counted as a special occasion. After getting two wine glasses from the shelf, she opened the bottle and started pouring some of the red liquid into the glasses. Then she made the mistake of glancing over her shoulder at Spike, a silly smile playing on her lips. The next thing she knew, she had managed to knock over one of the glasses, causing the wine to splash all over her new top. “Oh no! Dammit!” She rushed over to the kitchen sink and grabbed a towel, desperately rubbing on one of the large stains.

Spike walked over to her and took the towel. “Don’t, you’ll only make it worse.”

Buffy glared at him, trying to get the towel back. “Give me that! I have to do something, or it’ll get ruined!”

“There’s a laundry room in the basement. That is, if you know how to use it.” Spike smirked. The look on Buffy’s face told him that she was not amused, so he quickly gave her an apologetic look. “Sorry, luv. You can borrow one of my shirts if you want. They’re in the closet in my bedroom.”

Buffy’s face softened a little. “Okay, thanks. Sorry about the wine.” He just waved his hand in dismissal. She left the kitchen and headed for the bedroom, suddenly remembering the first time she had been in that room. It was the night when Angel had tried to rape her outside The Bronze and Spike had saved her. She had rushed into his room in the middle of the night, and he had yelled at her before throwing her out. Back then she had been almost afraid of his behavior, now she could understand where it was coming from. She was so unbelievably happy that Spike had finally opened up to her and allowed her to be a part of his life.

The bedroom was dark and she reached for the light switch. After turning the light on, she had to blink a couple of times to get her eyes to adjust to the sudden brightness in the room. She headed straight for the closet, but for some reason, something made her turn around and look behind her. At first she just stared at the bed, mouth open. Then she screamed.


TBC

For a moment, Buffy just stood there, frozen in shock. Then she started backing away, not able to take her eyes off the horrifying sight in front of her. She recognized the woman on the bed from the other day when she had visited Spike, but now her face was almost grey and her eyes were glossy and empty. Buffy’s eyes landed on the empty bottle of sleeping pills on the nightstand, suddenly feeling like she was going to be sick.

“Buffy! What…?” Spike came rushing into the room after hearing Buffy’s scream, stopping dead in his tracks when realization hit him.

“Spike…” Snapping out of the shock, Buffy put a trembling hand on his arm. “I… I think she’s…” Not able to finish the sentence, she shook her head and took a step back. “Should call 911… I’ll just…” Knowing that it wouldn’t make a difference – it was already too late – she still left the room on shaky legs in search for a phone. When she returned a couple of minutes later, Spike was still standing at the same spot as when she had left, staring at the dead woman on the bed.

Buffy swallowed. “The ambulance is on its way.”

Spike jumped at the sound of her voice, but didn’t turn around. “No point.”

“I know. But…” Buffy stopped, suddenly shuddering. Having never seen a dead person before in real life, she did her best not to look at the woman again, fearing that if she did so, there was a good chance she would throw up. That, or simply pass out. And that wouldn’t do; she needed to stay strong. She took a deep breath, trying to force herself to calm down. “Spike?” No response. She tried again. “Spike, sweetie, why don’t we go wait for the ambulance in the living room?” He seemed to be in some sort of shock, and she had no idea what to do. What could you possibly say to someone in a situation like this?

Spike finally seemed to snap out of it and turned to look at her. Then he nodded. “Yeah, okay.” Buffy let out the breath she had been holding and waited for him to follow her out of the room.


*~*~*

About an hour later, Spike closed the door after the paramedics had left with the body. He turned to Buffy. “You wanna go home now?”

She looked at him with wide eyes. “You want me to leave?”

He shrugged. “Didn’t say that. But if you do, I can’t really blame you.” He paused, then let out a bitter laugh. “Guess this night didn’t turn out the way we planned, eh pet?”

Buffy frowned, finding his behavior a bit strange, to say the least. “Spike, are you okay? I mean…” She stopped, silently cursing herself for asking such a stupid question. “I’m sorry, that was…” Slowly walking over to him, she stopped a few feet away. “I just don’t know what to say. I understand how you must be feeling right now, but…”

“Yeah?” Spike interrupted her, slumping down onto the couch. “Explain it to me then.”

She looked at him in confusion. “What?”

He rolled his eyes. “Tell me how I’m supposed to feel, ‘cause I sure as hell don’t know.” Buffy opened her mouth, but he went on; “I mean, I should feel something, right? ‘Cause she’s my mum. But I…” He stopped, letting out a frustrated sigh. God, how he wanted a smoke right now. Even better; a really strong drink. Or possibly both.

Buffy sat down next to him, putting her hand on top of his. “What do you feel?” Spike didn’t answer at first. Then he just shrugged. Buffy was quiet for a moment, then nodded. “That’s okay.”

Spike stared at her in disbelief. “How can that be okay? My mum’s dead, and I don’t feel a bloody thing! What kind of person does that make me?”

“Spike…” She tried to put her arms around him, but he pulled away. Swallowing, she decided to respect his wishes, even though she longed to be able to offer him some comfort.

“She was here before.” Spike didn’t look at her as he went on. “Before I left. She was rambling a lot, didn’t really make any sense. I told her to be gone when I got back. Guess she took it literally.”

Buffy had to bite her lip to keep from crying; he just looked so lost, and she had no idea how to help him if he wouldn’t even let her touch him. “You can’t blame yourself for this.”

“I don’t.” His response came fast, too fast. Spike realized that she probably didn’t believe him, but he didn’t care. He was just so confused. It wasn’t like he was actually happy that his mother was gone, but he didn’t think he could really mourn her, either. She had never been there for him, and he had long since stopped fooling himself into believing that he could ever depend on her. But still, a part of him wished that he could at least miss her a little. Just so he would feel a bit better about himself. Because what kind of person didn’t even miss his own mother when she died?

But the thing was, Drusilla hadn’t just died. If it had been an accident, maybe he would have felt differently about it. But no, she had killed herself, committed suicide right here in his fucking bed. And he couldn’t help but hating her for it; it was like she had wanted to punish him one last time, making sure that even after her death, he would still be suffering from the actions of his so called parents. It just wasn’t fair. For the first time ever, he had finally something good going on in his life. And just as if she had somehow managed to find out about his new-found happiness, his mother just had to come here and ruin it.

He realized that Buffy really cared, and that she just wanted to be there for him, but she wanted to know how he felt, and he wasn’t sure he could even begin to explain. And even if he could, he didn’t think she would really understand. He had been alone for as long as he could remember; had never had anyone to talk to. And now when he finally did, he didn’t know how. Still, he was afraid that if he wouldn’t talk to Buffy, he would lose her.

“We don’t have to talk right now.” He almost jumped when she finally spoke, for a moment wondering if he had said the last part out loud. Now he looked at her, and noticed the look of fear on her beautiful face. Buffy went on, her voice trembling; “We can do this your way, whatever you want. Just please, don’t shut me out again.”

Spike swallowed, trying to keep the tears from welling up in his eyes. Great, so he couldn’t even feel the least bit sad after losing his mother, but it just took a couple of kind words from Buffy to almost make him start weeping like a child. And a part of him hated himself for it, for being so weak. Buffy deserved someone who could be strong for her, someone who wasn’t… broken. Yet, he was selfish enough to wanting to keep her. He still didn’t really understand his feelings for her, but he knew that if she would leave him now, he wouldn’t be strong enough to go back to being alone. He would rather die than having to live the rest of his life like he had before he had met Buffy.

That was why he finally reached out for her, running his fingers through her hair and then hesitantly pulling her into his arms. “I won’t.” He could feel her relief as the tension seemed to leave her body and she wrapped her arms around him, holding him close. He only hesitated for a moment before burying his face against her neck, finally allowing the tears to fall.


TBC

Spike finally pulled back, wiping his eyes. Glancing at Buffy, he could see that she wanted to say something. But the way her mouth first opened, then closed, hesitantly, told him that she couldn’t decide on how. Somewhat embarrassed about his earlier breakdown, he let out a sigh. “What?”

Buffy snuggled closer to him on the couch, but wouldn’t meet his eyes. She was still not completely comfortable with asking him things he might find too personal. Still, she had come to know him well enough to know that if she wouldn’t ask, he wouldn’t tell. So she took a deep breath. “What did she do?” He cocked his head to the side, looking confused, so she clarified; “Your mother. What did she do to make you feel this way?”

He was quiet for a moment, then shrugged. “Didn’t do a bloody thing.”

She frowned. “Then why…?” She stopped as realization hit her and the meaning of his words started to sink in. “Oh.” He looked away, and she took his hand. “Spike, I’m…”

“Don’t.” He gave her a pleading look but, much to her relief, didn’t pull away from her. “Don’t feel sorry for me. Was a long time ago, it doesn’t matter now. I already told you, I don’t want your pity.”

Buffy shook her head, somewhat annoyed that they were back to that. “And I told you, it’s not about pity. Besides, I’m entitled to care about you. It’s my legal right as your girlfriend.” Seeing the startled look on his face, she blushed. “I mean… we are dating now, right? I just assumed…” A pause. “Only if you want me to be, of course. I don’t mean to push or anything.” She lowered her eyes to the floor, her face a mixture of fear and misery

For a moment, Spike didn’t now what to say. He had yet to take in the fact that even after everything that had happened, Buffy still wanted to be with him. Though a part of him was overwhelmed with relief, another part was still confused beyond words. He just couldn’t understand how she could keep being so kind and understanding without ever asking for anything in return. She kept surprising him, and he couldn’t figure out if that was a good thing or a bad. He felt like he could never know exactly what to expect when it came to her.

One look at her miserable face snapped him out of his thoughts. She glanced at him, silently begging him to say something. Suddenly he realized that he had been wrong; she had made it perfectly clear, over and over again, what to expect from her. He was the one who still wasn’t able to really trust her. But it was all still so new to him; he just wasn’t used to anyone caring about him. He supposed a part of him would always feel like he didn’t deserve to be loved, even a little bit. So far, he had simply accepted it as a fact, but lately, he had started to see things differently. Deep down, he now realized that nothing Ethan had done to him had been his fault. The only problem was, that fact made him feel even worse about himself for not realizing that years ago.

“Spike?” Buffy swallowed as their eyes finally met. “Are you mad at me? Do you want me to leave?”

“No!” He grabbed her arm, as if he was afraid she would just get up and run. Pulling her close to him, he closed his eyes for a moment, terrified of not being able to say the right thing and scare her away. “Buffy, I’m sorry. Please don’t go. I just…”

She put her finger on his mouth to stop him. “Spike, I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to.”

Letting out a shaky breath, he relaxed a little. “Okay, good.” He was silent for a moment. “Did you really mean it? The girlfriend part, I mean?”

Feeling a small pang in her chest at the fact that a part of him still doubted her, Buffy could only nod. She felt like being with Spike was always a ‘two steps forward – one step back’ kind of thing, and even though she was happy they finally seemed to be going in the right direction, it still hurt that he never seemed to be able to trust her completely. However, it only made her more determined to prove to him how serious she was. She would just have to be patient; they still had a long way to go.

He looked at her for a while, and she felt like he was trying to look right into her soul. It was okay, though; she had nothing to hide from him. Finally he nodded. “Right. Sorry for being such a git about this. I guess I just…” He hesitated, then shrugged, deciding to be honest with her. “Guess I still can’t figure out why you’d want to…” He shrugged again and looked away, embarrassed.

“Hey, look at me.” Buffy put her hand on his cheek, gently forcing him to look her in the eyes. “Spike, I know how you feel…” She paused, frowning. “Actually, I don’t, but I can imagine. Just believe me when I say this; there’s nothing wrong with you. Other people have made you think you don’t deserve anything good in your life, but they’re wrong. You’re not the one who’s not worthy; they are. You’re a wonderful person who deserves nothing but the best. And if you’ll let me, I’ll do anything I can to give it to you.” Another pause. “That is, if I can be good enough for you.”

Spike stared at her in disbelief. “If you…?” He shook his head. “Buffy, luv, what if I can’t give you anything in return?” His eyes widened when she pulled him closer, gently catching his lips with hers.

She pulled back, smiling a little. “You already do.”

He found himself smiling back, pushing the last of his doubts to the back of his mind. They looked at each other and for a moment, nothing else existed but the two of them. Then reality came crashing back, and Spike let out a groan. “Bloody hell…”

Buffy gave him a worried look. “What’s wrong?”

Sighing, he leaned back on the couch. “Nothing, just hit me, is all. There’s gonna be a funeral, who’s gonna take care of that? I don’t know if I can pay for it. Honestly, not sure I even want to be there. But I’ll have to, right? I mean, she’s my mother, people’s gonna think…”

“Spike, calm down.” Buffy put her hand on his arm, a serious expression on her face. “We’ll cross that bridge when we’ll get there, no need to worrying about that now. It’s gonna be okay. And whatever you’ll decide to do, you have my support.”

He gave her a grateful look. “Thanks, it means a lot to me. I just don’t know if I can do it, you know? Attending a bleedin’ funeral and pretend to mourn. I feel really bad about it, but…” He shrugged, helplessly, not knowing how to go on.

“Then don’t go.” Buffy ran her hand up and down his arm in a soothing gesture. “It’s up to you; only you can decide if you should be there or not.”

“Yeah, well, that’s the thing.” Spike rolled his eyes, not sure if he could explain it so it would make sense to her. “A part of me feel like maybe I should be there, ‘cause she’s my mother and all. But…” He let out a frustrated sigh and closed his eyes for a moment, afraid that if he would look at Buffy and see the sympathy in her eyes, he would start bawling again. “It’s just not fair, you know. Even though they’re both dead, they won’t leave me alone!” He paused, desperately trying to get his emotions under control. Finally meeting her eyes, he silently begged her to understand. “I just wanna have a life, Buffy. But it doesn’t matter what I do; they still won’t let me.”

Desperately fighting back tears of her own, Buffy was quiet for a moment. Then she climbed into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, gently pressing her cheek against his. It only took a moment before his arms came to rest around her. They sat like that for a couple of minutes before Buffy finally spoke; “I wish we could just leave, you know. Get as far away from here as possible and just start over somewhere.”

He chuckled a little. “Done that already. Didn’t work.”

Pulling back so she could look at him, Buffy ran her fingers down his face, smiling when he leaned into her touch. “But we’re in this together now, right?” He nodded, much to her relief. Intending to kiss him again, she leaned closer, only to freeze in her tracks when her stomach suddenly made a loud, growling sound. Her face turned bright red.

Spike looked amused. “Hungry, pet?” Then he remembered something and became serious. “Oh, bollocks! I brought you back here to cook you dinner, instead you’re starving. Some date this turned out to be.”

“Spike, don’t. You couldn’t possibly have known…” Buffy stopped, suddenly desperate to change the subject. “But I am kinda hungry. There’s a pizza place just around the corner, right?” Spike nodded. “Great. I’ll just run over there, it’ll only take ten minutes. Any requests?”

He thought about it for a moment, then shook his head. “Whatever you want is fine.” Then he paused. “Except mushrooms. Or tuna. Or any kind of fruit.”

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. “Anything else?”

Giving her an innocent look, Spike shook his head again. “No, that’s about it.”

Rolling her eyes, Buffy got up from the couch and headed for the door. But she couldn’t resist looking at him over her shoulder. “Love you.” She didn’t wait for him to respond before leaving the apartment, closing the door behind her. Her mind occupied with thoughts about Spike, she didn’t watch were she was going and accidentally bumped right into an older man. Eyes widening, she hurriedly stuttered an apologize. “Oh God, I’m so sorry!”

The man smiled. “No need to apologize, I’m afraid my mind was elsewhere, as well.”

She let out a sigh of relief. “Oh. Okay then.” Returning his smile, Buffy was just about to leave when he put his hand on her arm to stop her. She gave him a questioning look.

“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but do you live here?” Seeing her frown, he hurriedly went on; “I was just wondering since I recently moved into this apartment myself. I haven’t had time to meet any of my new neighbours yet, I was just trying to be polite.”

“Oh.” Buffy relaxed a little, although there was something about this man that made her a little uncomfortable. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was, though. Forcing another smile, she shook her head. “I don’t live here, I’ve just been visiting a friend.”

“I see.” The man got a thoughtful look on his face, then nodded. “Well, I won’t keep you, then. It was a pleasure to meet you.” The polite smile was back.

“Right. Bye.” Eager to leave, Buffy hurried away without looking back. That was why she didn’t notice that the man had yet to move an inch. Instead he just kept staring after her. He wasn't smiling anymore, and his eyes were cold as ice.


TBC

After Buffy had left, Spike found himself glancing back towards the bedroom. Slowly walking over to the closed door, he hesitated a little before pushing it open and stepped inside. He didn’t know what he had expected, but the room looked perfectly normal, just like he had left it this morning. If he hadn’t actually seen the cold body of his mother lying right there on the bed, only a few hours ago, he never would’ve guessed something off the ordinary had happened in there. His eyes narrowed when he noticed the empty bottle of sleeping pills, still lying on the floor, and he went to pick it up.

Selfish bitch, he thought, bitterly. He needed those pills. Suddenly he didn’t know which upset him the most; the fact that his mother had decided to end her pathetic life in his bed, or that she had used his sleeping pills to kill herself. Deep down, he wished that he could let go of his anger for a moment and allow himself to feel at least a little bit of grief; after all, his mother was dead now and would never come back. Thinking back to his childhood, he desperately searched his mind for some happy memory of his mother. She had never hit him, or hurt him physically in any way. But he couldn’t remember her ever hugging him or showing him even the slightest sign of affection, either.

Had anyone asked him when he was a kid if he loved his mother, he would’ve said yes, without hesitation. Because every child had to love his parents, right? Just like every parent had to love his or her child. At least, that’s how he knew it was supposed to be. Spike had seen enough on the telly as a kid to know that love was supposed to be a good thing. He remembered Drusilla telling Ethan how much she loved him, all the time. But had she ever said those words to him? He wasn’t sure, but he didn’t think so. If she had, shouldn’t he have remembered?

So, if it was true that his mother had never really loved him, did that mean that there was something wrong with him, or with her? For as long as he could remember, he had been convinced that it was all his fault that no one seemed to be able to love him. There had to be something horribly wrong with him, he had never understood what it was about him that made him so unlovable, but there had to be something, nevertheless. But then, only a few weeks ago, Buffy had entered his life. And his entire existence had suddenly turned upside-down.

Ever since he had first moved to Sunnydale, Spike had done everything in his power to push people away, to keep anyone from coming too close so they might see him for the broken shell of a man he really was. But he finally had to face the facts; Buffy Summers wasn’t just anyone. Aside from being kind, sweet and beautiful, she was also strong, stubborn and persistent, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Buffy had somehow managed to nestle her way into - not only his life - but his bruised and battered heart as well. And now he didn’t know how he had ever managed to survive without her.

It had taken quite some time, but Buffy had made him start seeing things from a whole new perspective. When she first told him that she was starting to fall in love with him, his mind had simply refused to take in what those words meant. But she hadn’t given up, and for that, he would be forever grateful. She knew about what had happened to him, even if he had been quite vague with the details, and she still wanted to be with him. Buffy didn’t think he was unlovable, she had made her feelings for him perfectly clear, over and over again, and he had a feeling she would keep repeating the words as many times as he needed to hear them, even if he would never be able to say them back.

Although, deep down he now realized that he was in love with Buffy as well, but he just didn’t know how to put his feelings for her into words. Was there even words strong enough? She had saved him from a life of nothing but misery and despair; a life not even worth living. But now, everything had changed. He wasn’t alone anymore. And for the first time ever, he felt like he finally had something to look forward to, a reason to get up in the morning. And it was all because of Buffy. For the first time in his life, he was happy.

And then his mother had to show up and ruin everything. He wished he could mourn her, he really did. But to tell the truth, aside from anger and bitterness, he could now also feel relief. Ethan was already gone and now, with the death of his mother, so was also the final link to his old life. He was free now, he could finally allow himself to relax and rest, knowing that the years of pain and fear were over. He could finally start a new life, with Buffy. Speaking of Buffy; he suddenly realized that he missed her, although she had only been gone for ten minutes. Next time, he thought, we’ll just call the soddin’ pizza place and have them deliver.

A sudden knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts, and he put the small, empty bottle back on the night stand. Then he left the room and headed for the front door. Certain that it was Buffy, already returning with the pizzas, he hurriedly swung the door wide open. “You don’t have to knock, you know, you can just…” Then he stopped and froze dead in his tracks. Nothing could have ever prepared him for the shock of seeing the man again, the man who was supposed to be dead and no longer a threat to him. But still, here he was, just outside his door.

Spike had spent almost two years beating people up, desperately trying to convince himself that he never had to let anyone lay a hand on him again without putting up a fight to defend himself. But suddenly, it was just like the last couple of years had never happened; he was once again nothing but a small, scared boy, trembling in fear in front of his tormentor. He had been a fool to think that it was over, that he could ever escape from his past. Because the one person he feared most in the whole world had finally found him and was now standing in front of him, grinning madly.

“Really? That is good to know, I won’t be so polite next time.” Ethan chuckled quietly and looked at Spike, an expectant look on his face. “So, William… Aren’t you going to invite me in?”


TBC

”Buffy? Hey, Buffy!”

Buffy, who had just paid for the pizzas and was about to leave, turned around with a frown when she heard someone call her name. “Xander? What are you doing here?”

Xander looked confused for a moment, then nodded towards the pizza boxes she was carrying with a nervous laugh. “Um, I’d say, the same as you.”

“Right.” Buffy suddenly felt a little stupid and forced a laugh as well. “I just meant…” She stopped as she noticed the dark-haired man standing behind Xander, watching her with a curious look on his face. “Um, hi?”

“Oh, sorry. Jesse, this is Buffy, And Buffy, this is Jesse, a friend of mine.” Xander paused. “We work together at the construction site.” Another pause. “I did tell you I started working there, right?”

Buffy nodded, vaguely recalling him mentioning something about a new job a while ago. “Yeah. Nice to meet you, Jesse.”

The tall, slender man smiled at her. “You too.”

“So…” Xander glanced at Jesse before turning back to Buffy. “How are you?” He laughed a little. “I mean, I know I just saw you a couple of hours ago, but…” Leaving the rest of the sentence hanging, he just shrugged.

“Oh, I’m fine, thanks. You?” Buffy suddenly felt like her head was spinning. Had it really just been earlier today she had ran into Willow and Xander at the Double Meat Palace. After everything that had happened tonight, that moment now felt like years ago.

“I’m good.” Xander looked a little nervous again, and they were both silent for a moment, nobody seemed to know what to say next.

Buffy was starting to feel really uncomfortable, something she had never thought she’d feel around Xander a couple of weeks ago. But things were different now. She looked down at the pizza boxes in her arms, trying to come up with an excuse to leave without being rude; she didn’t want to stay here and make with the small talk, right now she just wanted to get back to Spike. “I should probably…”

“Buffy, wait.” Xander gave her a pleading look and glanced at Jesse again, who seemed to take the hint.

“Oh, um… I’ll just go see what’s taking so long with our pizzas. Excuse me.” Jesse gave Buffy another smile and headed towards the counter.

Forcing back a sigh, Buffy tried to recall if she had seen a microwave at Spike’s place. Because by the look of things, the pizzas would be cold before she would make it back. She gave Xander a questioning look. “What is it?”

“Nothing, I was just…” Xander hesitated, clearly not sure of what to say. Then he glanced at her two pizza boxes with a small chuckle. “Well, either you’re very hungry, or…”

This time, Buffy was unable to hold back an annoyed sigh. “I’m spending the night at Spike’s place, Xander. Do you have a problem with that.”

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Finally he shook his head, holding his hands up in an apologetic manner. “Of course not.”

“Good.” For a moment, Buffy was tempted to say something more. After all, Xander had been one of her best friends for a long time, and she hated how strained things had been between them lately. But now, Xander actually seemed to be trying to make amends, and there was nothing she would like more than for her best friends to get along with her boyfriend. Still, she really wanted to get out of here.

Xander seemed a little disappointed by her reaction, but quickly covered up. “Right, I’m not gonna keep you anymore, then.” A pause. “Still on for the Bronze tomorrow night?”

Buffy frowned, but then remembered how she had promised Willow and Xander to meet up with them at the popular nightclub the following night. She hesitated for a moment. “I’m not sure, there’s been a lot…” Noticing the disappointed look on his face, she forced a small smile. “Maybe. We’ll see.”

He looked at her for a moment, then nodded. “Sure.” Then he put on a smile himself. “Better go, you wouldn’t want your pizzas to get cold.”

“Right.” Buffy nodded as well. “I’ll see you around then. Bye.” She quickly turned around and left the pizza place, eager to finally get back to Spike.


*~*~*

”So, William… Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

Spike took a deep breath, desperately trying to stay calm. He wasn’t a little kid anymore; there was nothing Ethan could do to hurt him now. Besides, this was his apartment, he didn’t have to let the man in. Struggling to get his emotions under control, Spike tried to convince himself that he was the one who was in control of the situation. Of course, deep down, he wasn’t so sure. He crossed his arms over his chest, hoping his fear wouldn’t show. “Not bloody likely.” Ethan’s eyes narrowed, and he swallowed. “How did you…?”

“Find you?” Ethan laughed. “I have my ways. In fact, I’ve been around for a while. Paid your mother a little visit earlier.” He paused, watching closely for Spike’s reaction to his words. “So, have you seen her lately?”

“Don’t you see? I was wrong and now I will be punished. And so will you.” Drusilla let out a soft whimper. “They made me see what really happened and I was wrong.”

Spike’s eyes widened as he recalled his mothers last words to him. Suddenly they didn’t just seem like crazy ramblings, like he had thought. Drusilla had known Ethan was around, she had seen him. Now he forced the image of his mother’s terrified face to the back of his mind, and gave Ethan a cold look. “She’s dead.”

“Really?” Ethan raised a brow, but didn’t seem too surprised. “Well, she always did take the easy way out, didn’t she?” Then he laughed. “By the way, I’m still waiting for an invite. We have a lot of catching up to do, don’t you think?”

Snapping out of the shock, Spike stared at him in disbelief. “You’d have to be crazy if you think I’d…”

“You know, I ran into your little friend outside.” Ethan interrupted him, a smug look on his face. “Such a pretty little girl. I would hate if something happened to her, wouldn’t you?”

Spike glared at him, furiously, as the meaning of the man’s words started to sink in. “Touch Buffy, and I’ll kill you!” He realized that he sounded a lot more confident than he really was, but he meant every word.

Ethan, who had been grinning, stopped abruptly and his face turned cold. “If that’s the way you want to do this, fine. I’ve tried to be nice, but the game ends now. I’m going to come in, and you are not going to stop me.” The smug look was back. “Am I right?”

For a moment, Spike didn’t know what to do. Then he finally took a step back. He realized that Ethan meant what he had said; he wouldn’t think twice before using Buffy to get to him. And he couldn’t let that happen.

“Wise decision, son.” Ethan entered the apartment, looking very pleased. He walked over to the couch. “Mind if I sit down?” Without waiting for an answer, he sat down and leaned back, putting his feet up on the table.

Closing the door quietly behind him, Spike remained standing. “What do you want?”

Ethan just looked at him for a moment, not saying anything. Then he sighed. “Did you really think you could run away from me?” Before Spike could answer, he went on; “You never should’ve left. But you did, and now I’m afraid you’ll have to face the consequences.”

Having heard those exact words all too many times before, Spike desperately tried to remember that he was an adult now and this man no longer a threat to him. He rolled his eyes. “Is that so? Guess what? I’m not afraid of you. You can threaten me all you like, but you can’t hurt me anymore. You just…” His voice trailed off as Ethan suddenly got up from the couch and walked over to him. He inhaled shakily, forcing himself not to back away.

“That’s where you’re wrong.” Ethan glared at him for a moment. Then a cruel smile appeared on his face. “Let me put it this way. The question isn’t whether or not I could still hurt you. The question is how much, and in how many ways.”


TBC

”However…” Ethan smirked when Spike was the first to look away, clearly pleased with the reaction. “That is not why I’m here. I was hoping we could have a somewhat civilized conversation. Of course, how that turns out is up to you.”

Spike snorted. “Like it’s always been, right? Up to me? Is that what you keep telling yourself to be able to sleep at night?”

“Oh, I’ve never had any trouble sleeping at night.” Ethan chuckled a little. “How about you?”

Spike was quiet for a moment. “She said she killed you.”

“What?” Ethan looked slightly taken aback. “Oh, I see.” He nodded. “In her little world, she probably did. Let’s just say your mother wasn’t all there in the end. Sad, really.”

“And whose fault is that?” Spike glared at him. “What did you do to her?”

“I didn’t do anything that bitch didn’t deserve.” Ethan got a cold look on his face, then started pacing the room. Finally he stopped. “Your mother was nothing but a whore, William. She was screwing around with other men, thinking I wouldn’t find out. Then she became pregnant.” He made a disgusted sound.

Spike swallowed, remembering what his mother had told him. “How do you know it wasn’t…?”

“Mine?” Ethan laughed. “That would be impossible. You see, I can’t have children. Drusilla knew that, and still she tried to convince me she had not been unfaithful.” In a sudden fit of rage, he slammed his fist hard into the wall. Then he turned back to Spike. “You see why I couldn’t let her go through with it?”

Spike didn’t answer. Instead he glanced at his watch. Buffy would probably be back any minute. A part of him wished she would just stay away a little while longer. Nothing good would come out of her walking in on this.

“If you hadn’t left, none of this would’ve happened.” Ethan wasn’t smiling anymore. Now he looked furious, and Spike realized that he meant every word. Of course Ethan would find a way to blame him for his mother’s actions, no matter how ridiculous it may be. The man needed someone to blame and, as always, he had gotten the shortest straw. It wasn’t fair, but then again, when had anything in his life ever been?

Things were different now, though. He didn’t need to take this crap anymore. Crossing his arms over his chest, he looked Ethan straight in the eyes. “You don’t get to do this anymore. We’re done talking. Get out of here, or I’ll call the cops.” He paused. “I mean it.”

Ethan met his eyes, calmly. “Unless you want me to pay your girlfriend a little visit, you will do no such thing. Because I can assure you, I’d have no problem finding out where she lives.”

Spike stared at him, clenching his fists. “You stay the bloody hell away from her, or…” He wasn’t prepared for the sudden blow, hitting him straight in the face, and gasped in shock. Bringing his hand up to his nose, he felt the warm blood trickling down between his fingers.

“You may fool yourself into thinking that things have changed, but you are wrong,” Ethan all but snarled. “I will always be the one in charge, and you will do as I say. You think I’m bluffing, regarding that little whore of yours? Believe me, I’m not. And when I’m done with her, I will come back. Then you’re going to wish I’d killed you both.”

Swallowing hard, Spike desperately tried to keep his voice from trembling. “Not if I kill you first.”

For a moment, Ethan looked genuinely surprised. Then he seemed to snap out of it, and laughed. “I believe we are done here for now. I will leave, but don’t think for a second that I won’t be back.” He started towards the door, then stopped, turning to look at Spike over his shoulder. “We’re going to finish this conversation, William, and when we do, I’ll make sure you know your place.” With that, he gave Spike one last look before turning around and left the apartment.

Spike let out the breath he had been holding and slid down to the floor. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes for a moment, suddenly feeling like was going to be sick. However, that feeling soon submitted to fury. He had wanted to smash Ethan’s face in, hurt him the way that bastard had hurt him so many times over the years. But instead he had just stood there, frozen, unable to move. One look at Ethan’s cold face and he had been reduced to a terrified child. And he hated it, because he had promised himself that he would never be that person again.

He didn’t know for sure how long he sat there on the floor, but finally he got up and headed to the bathroom to clean himself up. Once again Ethan had managed to hurt him, and he hadn’t been able to do anything to defend himself. He looked into the mirror, grimacing at the sight of his red, swollen nose. Ethan was right after all; nothing had changed. He was still the same weak, pathetic loser he had always been. And he feared that he would never be strong enough to finally stand up for himself against that man.

Then he thought about his mother, and how she had chosen to handle the situation. He didn’t know what Ethan had said or done to her, but he remembered the look on her face when she had practically begged him not to walk away from her. She had been terrified, although he hadn’t realized it then. Now he rolled his eyes, knowing it was a lie. The truth was; he simply didn’t care. He had just wanted to get to Buffy, and his mother’s unexpected visit had been nothing but an inconvenience. If he had just stayed for a moment and listened to what she had to say…

Don’t go there, mate, he told himself, firmly. His mother had never done anything for him, and he sure as hell didn’t owe her anything. If she couldn’t handle things and felt the need to take the easy way out, that was her problem, not his. For as long as he could remember, she had never cared about anyone but herself. Still, now he couldn’t help but feeling guilty. He supposed he was just used to take the blame for everything, but he couldn’t quite shake off the disturbing feeling that if he hadn’t left London in the first place, his mother would still be alive.

“Spike? I’m back, hope you’re hungry!”

The sudden sound of Buffy’s voice, coming from the other room, snapped him out of his thoughts and he froze in his tracks. He hadn’t heard the door open, but he supposed it was safe to say that his mind had been elsewhere. Now he took a deep breath, hoping his voice would sound normal. “Be right there, pet!” He glanced into the mirror one last time, relieved to see that his face didn’t look so bad after all, once the blood was gone. With any luck, Buffy wouldn’t even notice. Deciding to put the whole thing with Ethan to the back of his mind for now, he finally left the bathroom. Buffy wouldn’t need to know.


TBC

”You gonna finish that?” Buffy looked at Spike while munching on the last of her pizza.

“What?” Spike looked almost startled, like he had forgotten she was there, but quickly tried to cover up by giving her a small smile. “Sorry. Not really hungry.”

“But you’ve hardly…” She was about to object and point out that he had barely touched his food, but then decided against it. Instead she slumped back into the couch with a groan. “God, I’m not gonna be able to walk at all tomorrow. Why did I eat so much?” She let out a tired sigh. “I’m not moving from this couch. Do me a favor and wake me up in a week or so.” She glanced at Spike, frowning when he didn’t say anything. “Spike? What’s wrong?”

Spike gave her a confused look, then shook his head. “Nothing.” He paused. “Wanna watch a movie or something?”

“Sure, but…” Buffy hesitated. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

He got up and started clearing the table. “Course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well…” Buffy tried to chose her words carefully. “There was that thing earlier, with your mother. I just thought…”

Stopping in his tracks, Spike let out a loud sigh. Right. There was that, too. Suddenly he started to feel both annoyed and tired. He realized that Buffy was just concerned, but he really wished she would just let it go. “Told you I was fine, didn’t I? Just drop it.” He regretted his words immediately when he saw the hurt look on her face. Cursing silently, he sat back down on the couch. If he wanted to act normal in front of Buffy, he was obviously doing a terrible job. “Sorry, luv. I didn’t mean…” He didn’t know how to finish, so he took her hand and gently brought it up to his lips. “Don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not, I just…” Buffy sighed and rested her head on his shoulder. “I just wish you’d talk to me, you know.” He nodded, but didn’t say anything more. She had to hold back a sigh. “Spike, I understand this has to be hard for you. You don’t have to pretend it’s not.”

“Oh bloody hell… I’m not pretending! I…” Spike let out a frustrated groan. “What do you want me to say? That I’m all broken up because of the tragic loss of my mother, who, by the way, was such an amazing person and my life will just never be complete again now when she’s gone?” He gave her a hard look. “Can tell you right now, not gonna happen.”

“You don’t have to be such a jerk about it.” Buffy glared at him. “Can’t you see I just care about you, you big, stupid… guy!”

Once again he felt like a real git. Of course she did. He knew he shouldn’t take his anger and frustration out on Buffy, she deserved better than that. But he just couldn’t help himself. For some reason, pushing her away seemed easier than having to deal with what was really bothering him. Only he had promised not to do that again. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

Her face softened. “Spike, I just don’t want you to hide anything from me.”

“I know. I won’t.” He didn’t look her in the eyes when he said the last part, but she didn’t seem to notice. Instead she just smiled when he ran his fingers through her long hair, and he was relieved that she seemed to accept his apology. But deep down he felt a small pang in his chest, knowing that hiding things from her was just what he was doing.

“It’s getting late.” Buffy failed to suppress a yawn, and Spike realized that he was really tired as well. Truth to be told, after everything that had happened today, he was more than just tired, he was exhausted. Which, he supposed, was a good thing, since he didn’t exactly look forward to trying to go to sleep without his pills. Now, hopefully, that wouldn’t be a problem.

He gently put a single strand of hair behind her ear and brushed his lips briefly against hers. “You’re staying, right?” Hoping he wouldn’t sound too needy, he held his breath as he waited for her to answer.

“Of course I’m staying.” Buffy gave him an assuring smile, then suddenly looked a little uncertain. “I mean, if you want me to.” Spike nodded and she looked relieved. Then she frowned when he pulled her into his arms and shifted on the couch so they could lie down. “Here? I thought…” She nodded towards the bedroom, then stopped when she remembered who had last been in that bed. Suddenly she felt like she was going to be sick. Spike seemed to read her mind, because he didn’t meet her eyes. Buffy swallowed. “Second thought, couch is just fine.” She snuggled closer to him, and it didn’t take long before they were both asleep.


*~*~*

Pain. Nothing else existed in the world but the sharp, piercing pain when Ethan’s hard cock slammed into him over and over again for what seemed like hours. William didn’t move, just lay there frozen on the cold, hard floor, waiting for the pain to stop. Only it never did. He didn’t scream, nor did he cry, because by then, he was beyond the point where he could do anything but clenching his teeth, keep breathing and simply trying to survive. Sometimes he was half convinced that his entire life consisted of nothing but this horrible pain, and he had to struggle to remember any other feeling.

He wondered how much pain, fear and humiliation a person could actually handle before something inside would just snap; if you would get to a point where you just knew that it couldn’t get any worse, where you just couldn’t take it anymore and would simply go insane. Maybe he’d die before it would get to that. Or maybe he was wrong; maybe it could always get worse. If that was the case, then the thought of death felt like a bittersweet bliss. Because at least then, he would get to rest.

Hearing the large man moaning, and feeling his drunken breath against his neck, William felt his stomach turn and wondered how he would be able to keep from vomiting before it was over. His face was pressed hard against the floor as Ethan kept his sweaty hand on top of his head to prevent him from moving. Of course, William never did, something his stepfather knew perfectly well. Still, the man never removed his hand until he was done.

Suddenly Ethan started breathing faster and harder, gasping almost like he was in pain, but William knew better than that. He knew it meant that it was almost over for this time, that the man was close to release and that it was now only matter of seconds before Ethan would let out a final cry of pleasure. William held his breath as the man started jerking on top of him before finally becoming completely still. Letting out a pleased grunt, Ethan pulled away, and William could feel the warm, sticky fluid flowing out of him and down between his legs.

A moment later, William heard the door to his room close quietly. Still, he didn’t dare to move until he could hear the footsteps in the hallway finally fade away. Then he rolled over so he was lying on his back and closed his eyes. Somehow, he had managed to survive this time too, he was still here. Even though Ethan was gone, the pain was still there, and he knew it would take days before he would be able to walk again without limping. Of course, Ethan wouldn’t wait that long before coming back for more.

Spike got up from the floor and looked around the room, frowning as he realized that it was all wrong. He wasn’t William anymore, hadn’t been for years. And he didn’t even live here anymore; he had finally managed to break free and leave the house in London for good. ‘Just another dream, then’, he thought, but the realization didn’t bring him much comfort. He just wanted to wake up. At least now the pain was gone, he didn’t feel anything at all. And the sudden, compact silence in the house made him wonder if he was the only one in the world left alive.

Suddenly he heard something, a strange, yet familiar sound. He cocked his head to the side, wondering where he had heard that sound before. Walking over to the door, he tried to listen, closely. His heart started beating faster when he realized that someone was sobbing, quietly, just outside his door. Slowly, he pushed the door open and peeked outside.

Buffy was sitting on the floor, her back pressed against the far wall and her face buried in her hands. She raised her head slowly, and Spike couldn’t help but gasp at the sight of her pale, tear-stained face. Forgetting all about his own fear and pain, he rushed over to her and dropped to his knees next to her on the floor. Trying to take her in his arms, he stared at her in shock when she pulled away, his face a mixture of hurt and confusion. “Buffy, luv, what’s wrong?! What happened? Why won’t you let me touch you?”

She glared at him, tears still flowing. “Why do you think?! I trusted you, and you hurt me!”

Swallowing hard, Spike shook his head. “No... Buffy, I would never hurt you.”

“Are you sure?” Ethan had walked up behind them, a cold smile on his face. He knelt down next to Buffy and ran his fingers slowly down her face. She shuddered, but didn’t pull away. Instead she leaned into his touch, all the time still crying softly.

“No!” Spike reached out for Buffy in panic, desperate to get her out of Ethan’s evil claws before he could hurt her again, only to find himself grabbing at the air. Buffy had suddenly disappeared right in front of his eyes, as had Ethan. He jumped up from the floor, looking wildly around him. The hallway was empty. Once again, the house was completely silent.

“You bastard, I’ll fucking kill you! Where are you?!” He started running down the hall, stopping dead in his tracks as he once again heard Buffy sobbing, louder this time. “Buffy!” He spun around, half expecting to find her right behind him. But there was no one there, he was alone. “Buffy, stay where you are, I’m coming!” He started running again, but stopped as he realized that the surroundings had suddenly changed. The hallway was gone, and so was the house. Instead he found himself standing in the alley outside The Bronze; the place where he had first met Buffy, weeks ago.

“You’re too late.” Spike froze at the sound of Buffy’s voice, coming from behind him. He quickly turned around, and his heart nearly stopped. Buffy was standing there, her clothes torn to shreds and dark bruises covering her once flawless face. Blood was trickling down her arms and legs, leaving a small puddle by her feet. But the worst thing was the look in her eyes. They were completely empty, like she was already dead, only she was still breathing. She took a step towards him, and when she spoke again, her voice was filled with accusation. “You did this to me. You let him hurt me.”

He didn’t answer, because his mouth had become unable to form any words and coherent thoughts had long since stopped running through his mind. He didn’t scream either, because the only thing he still knew was that if he would start screaming now, he would never be able to stop.

That was when he woke up.


TBC

Spike sat up with a start, his eyes immediately landing on Buffy who had woken up as well and was now watching him, a concerned look on her face. “Just a dream, sweetie,” she whispered sleepily, her hand gently stroking his arm. When he didn’t say anything, just stared at her, she sat up, slowly. “Spike? Are you okay?”

Instead of answering, he pulled her into his arms almost fiercely and buried his face against her neck. “Too late,” he mumbled, his breathing coming out as unsteadily gasps and his heart beating like a sledgehammer inside his chest. “Hurt you. Sorry. Please don’t leave me.” He was clinging to her like his very life depended on how hard he managed to hold on, and made no sign of loosen the death grip he had her in.

Buffy tried to put her arms around him, but he was holding on so tight, she was unable to move. He was really starting to scare her. “Spike?” she tried again, a pleading note in her voice. “Please, you’re hurting me.”

Pulling back back so abruptly that she nearly fell off the couch, he stared at her with an expression of absolute horror on his face. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he mumbled repeatedly, flinching back as she reached out for him to prevent him from moving away from her.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy let her arms drop, although her entire body ached to touch him. “Spike? Listen to me. I’m fine, okay? You didn’t hurt me. I just…” She hesitated, not knowing how to assure him. ”You just scared me a little, is all. I’m okay, and I’m not going anywhere. You hear me?” She let out the breath she had been holding when he finally nodded. “Good.” She put on a strained smile. “Are you okay?” He nodded again, and she noticed that he did seem a bit calmer. Still, she realized it must have been quite some dream, causing him to react like that.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, quietly. This time he looked at her, an ashamed look on his face. “Didn’t mean to wake you up.” He paused. “Bad dream.”

Buffy raised a brow. “No kidding?” She reached out a hesitant hand towards his, relieved when he didn’t pull back this time, and squeezed it gently. “Tell me. Was it about your mom?”

“No.” He shook his head, slumping back into the couch. “Ethan.”

“Oh.” Buffy nodded in understanding, snuggling closer to him. “I’m sorry. I realize it must’ve been horrible, but he’s gone now. He can’t hurt you anymore. He’s dead, remember?”

“He’s not dead.” Spike swallowed. “He’s here.”

For a moment, Buffy looked confused. Then she shook her head, firmly. “No, Spike, he’s not. It was just a dream.”

“No!” Spike rolled his eyes. “I mean, yes, I know. But my mum was wrong; Ethan’s still alive. And he’s here, in Sunnydale.” Then he became silent, closing his eyes for a moment. He hadn’t meant to tell Buffy about that, it had just slipped out. Then he remembered Buffy’s face from the dream, and shuddered. It could have been real. How could he not tell her about Ethan threatening to hurt her? The thought that it could be dangerous for Buffy to not being aware of the potential danger hadn’t even crossed his mind. Suddenly he realized that he was shaking.

Buffy just stared at him, mouth open. Then she shook her head, as if to clear it. “You’re serious?” He just nodded, not wanting to meet her eyes. “You seen him?” Spike nodded again. Buffy was quiet for a moment, and he had a feeling she was silently counting to ten. When she spoke again, he realized that was probably exactly what she had been doing. “When?” She sounded calm, though. Maybe a little too calm for his liking.

Spike kept his eyes on the floor, knowing he had to be honest with her. “When you were out. Before you got back with the pizzas.”

“He was here?!”

He couldn’t help but wince. Now she didn’t sound so calm anymore. Not that he could really blame her. He gulped. “Yes.”

“Spike, look at me!” She sounded furious now, and he reluctantly obeyed. “When were you going to tell me? Or didn’t you think I had the right to know?”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. She would leave him now, of that he was certain. Maybe that was for the best, he thought. For her, anyway.

“What about no more secrets? When you said you trusted me, was that just a big lie? How can you…?!” Buffy stopped, suddenly regretting her outburst. This was bad, yes, but he didn’t need this from her right now. Spike needed her support, not her hysterical yelling. She wasn’t even angry at him, she was just shocked by the whole thing. Reaching out her hand towards his face, she nearly cried when he flinched back from her touch, like he was expecting a blow. She swallowed hard. “Spike, please… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak out like that. Oh my God, are you…” She hesitated. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

Shrugging, he looked away again. “I’m fine.”

“What happened? What did he do?! Spike, talk to me!” Spike glanced at her and realized that she was silently crying. He wanted to comfort her, but didn’t know if she would let him. Suddenly he couldn’t understand how he could’ve been so incredibly stupid. Finally things were going well, and then he had to go and ruin everything, just because he had wanted to protect her. Only his thoughtless actions might have put her in even more danger. Just when he opened his mouth to say something, although he had no idea what, Buffy threw herself into his arms, hugging him hard as she kept sobbing, quietly. “I’m so sorry. It’s gonna be okay.” Now it was her turn to cling to him, and he hesitantly put his arms around her.

For a couple of minutes, neither of them moved. Finally Spike pulled back a little, frowning as he looked at her. “Thought you were mad at me.” Seeing the guilty look on her face, he hurried at add; “Don’t blame you if you are. I know I should’ve told you, but…”

“Sch…” Buffy gently put her finger on his lips to stop him. “I’m not mad. I’m…” She wiped away her tears with a sigh. ”God, Spike, you have to stop doing this to yourself.” He looked confused, so she hurried to explain; “You’re not alone anymore. Don’t you see? It’s killing me to see you like this. Spike, I love you…” He opened his mouth, but she raised her hand to stop him and went on. “I wanna help you get through this, but I can’t do that if you won’t let me. If you don’t trust me.”

Spike sighed. “I do trust you, pet. It’s not about that.”

Buffy managed a small smile, but didn’t look totally convinced. “Then why didn’t you tell me?” She paused. “What did he say to you? You think he’ll come back?”

“I will leave, but don’t think for a second that I won’t be back. We’re going to finish this conversation, William, and when we do, I’ll make sure you know your place.”

Hearing Ethan’s voice in his head, just as clear had the man been in the same room, Spike swallowed hard. The question wasn’t whether or not Ethan would return, the question was just when. He let out a shaky breath. “I’d say, that’s most likely.”

For a moment, Buffy was silent. Then she nodded. “That’s it. This can’t go on, you’ll have to call the police.” A pause. “If you won’t call them, I will.”

“We’re done talking. Get out of here, or I’ll call the cops.” He paused. “I mean it.”

Ethan met his eyes, calmly. “Unless you want me to pay your girlfriend a little visit, you will do no such thing. Because I can assure you, I’d have no problem finding out where she lives.”

“No!” Spike grabbed her arm, looking her straight in the eyes to make sure she knew he was serious. “Forget about the cops. There’s nothing they can do, anyway.”

She gave him a doubtful look. “But there has to be something! I mean, if he’s threatening you…”

Spike glared at her. “I said, forget it!” His face softened when he saw the hurt look on her face. “I’m sorry, luv. But believe me; getting the cops involved will only make things worse.”

Buffy stared at him in disbelief. “How is that possible? Spike, the man was here, in your apartment! He must’ve seen me leave, and then…” She stopped as realization hit her. “Oh my God, that creepy guy I ran into outside. He asked me all these questions, trying to convince me he was just a friendly neighbor. It was him, God, I should never have left!” She swallowed, desperately trying to keep more tears from falling.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you couldn’t possibly have known.” Spike closed his eyes for a moment, fighting back tears of his own. “Buffy, listen to me. Tonight was nothing. Believe me when I say this; things can get worse.”

“Yeah?” She crossed her arms over her chest, a stubborn look on her face. “How?”

He took a deep breath, and when he spoke again, his voice was barely more than a whisper. “Because he could hurt you.”


TBC

”What do you mean, hurt me? Why would…?” Buffy stared at Spike in confusion for a moment, then fury started welling up inside her when she realized what his words were implying. “He actually told you that?! That he would hurt me?!”

Mistaking her shocked expression for fear, Spike immediately reached for her hand and hurried to assure her; “I won’t let him hurt you, luv. I promise.”

“I know! That’s not…” Buffy hesitated, not wanting to take her anger at Ethan out on Spike. She knew Spike was telling the truth; he would probably protect her with his life should it ever come to that. But she wasn’t really afraid Ethan would actually try to hurt her. Maybe she should be, but right now she was too angry to fear for herself. Also, she suspected that the bastard probably realized that threatening her would be the only way to make sure he would keep his power over Spike. “Okay, look…” She sighed. “Spike, I know you would never let him hurt me. I’m not afraid for me. I just hate the fact that he’s here, causing you so much pain.”

He looked away with a shrug. “Doesn’t matter.”

“How can you say that?” When he didn’t answer, Buffy put her hand on his arm. “Spike, it’s going to be okay. We’ll get through this together, I promise. He’s not going to hurt either of us. Ever again.” She added the last part quietly, not wanting to think about how that monster had hurt him in the past. Unfortunately, not thinking about things didn’t necessarily mean they would go away.

Spike let out a bitter laugh. “Shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep, pet.”

She was silent for a moment, then cupped his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “Do you trust me?” He looked a little surprised, but nodded. “Then believe me when I say I’ll find a way to keep that promise.”

He swallowed. “Buffy…”

“I mean it, Spike.”

Looking her deep in the eyes, he realized that she really did. Not that he expected her to actually be able to do anything if – or more likely, when – Ethan would return, but what really amazed him was the fact that Buffy genuinely intended to do everything in her power to keep Ethan from ever hurting him again. Buffy was a small woman; barely more than five feet tall, but the fire in her eyes was impossible to miss and it made him feel strangely warm inside. He was deeply touched by her obvious love and concern for him, but couldn’t help but wonder – and not for the first time – what he could ever possibly have done to deserve someone such as amazing as her.

Of course, deep down he still didn’t believe he would ever be truly worthy of her. How could he be, when he couldn’t even tell her how much she really meant to him? He didn’t doubt his feelings for her anymore, hadn’t done for quite a while now. Hell, he could even admit to himself that he had come to fall in love with her, but telling her those three little words was a whole different matter. Buffy had told him, over and over again, how she felt about him. So why couldn’t he just tell her that he felt the same way? For some reason, though, he had a feeling that she already knew. But still, he wanted to see the look on her face when – or if – he would ever be able to tell her. Not to mention the fact that she deserved to hear, out loud, that her feelings were very much mutual.

And then there was that other little thing. Sex. Although he had been more than a little vague about it, he had made it clear to Buffy that he wasn’t ready. Truth to be told, he wasn’t sure he would ever be. Because to him, sex was not a good thing. It wasn’t about love, or even pleasure. It was all about power, and in his case; obedience and submission. And pain. Lots and lots of never ending pain. Of course, he realized that sex with Buffy wouldn’t be like that, just like he knew that sex shouldn’t really be all about force and violence. But he just couldn’t imagine ever being able to actually enjoy something that he had learned to associate with nothing but fear and humiliation.

He sighed, not wanting to think about it anymore, the whole thing giving him a headache. Still, he couldn’t quite shake the disturbing feeling that Buffy deserved so much more than he would ever be able to give her. Maybe she really would be better off without him. However, he was too selfish to give her up. He needed Buffy. And maybe, just maybe, she really needed him too. That thought gave him hope, and he managed to give her a small smile.

Buffy returned his smile, but looked a little confused. “What?”

He suddenly felt a little embarrassed. “Nothing. Just…” He shrugged. “You’re bloody amazin’, you know that?”

She blushed, looking down at her hands. “I’m not that special.”

“Are you kidding? You…” He hesitated, not knowing how to explain to her just how special she was to him. But he knew he owed it to her to at least try. “Buffy, you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. When I’m around you…” He stopped, struggling to find the right words. “You make me wanna be a better person, someone who’s…” He didn’t want to say the word ‘worthy’, not sure of how she would react. Shrugging again, he glanced at her, silently begging her to understand what he meant.

Frowning, Buffy gently took his hand. “Spike, I don’t want you to feel like you have to change for me.” She wished he would put his arms around her, touch her in any way, but he remained still. Holding back a sigh, she went on; “Don’t you see? I fell in love with you, not…” She swallowed. “Do you want me to change for you? Do you want me to try and become a better person?”

For a moment, he looked horrified. “No! Buffy, you’re perfect just the way you are! I would never…”

“I know.” She interrupted him. “And I feel the exact same way about you. Why can’t you just see that?” Her voice was calm, but inside she was screaming with frustration. She hated the fact that they were back to this; him thinking he couldn’t be good enough for her. Suddenly she just felt like crying; she had really thought they had moved past all that.

“Because I don’t bloody get it!” He jumped up from the couch, glaring at her. “Why, Buffy? Why do you…? I mean, I can’t…” Frustrated for not being able to find the right words, he stopped with a sigh. “I hear you say it, but I just don’t understand how.”

The calm, patient expression on her face almost made him weep. “How, what?” Buffy got up as well. “How can I love you? The answer is very simple, Spike. But I just don’t know what to do to make you see it.”

His voice was barely more than a whisper. “Tell me.”

Buffy looked him deep in the eyes. “Because you make me feel like the most special girl in the world. Because you are you. Because…” She rolled her eyes. “I could go on all night, but what I’m trying to say is, you’ve changed my entire world for the better. In fact, you are my world. I love you.”

Spike stared at her, amazed by her words. His bottom lip was trembling. “But…”

She held up her hand to stop him. “Spike, I love you.”

“Buffy…” He desperately tried to blink away the tears threatening to fall. Then he realized that she had tears in her eyes as well. “Please, don’t…”

“I love you.” She looked at him stubbornly as she kept repeating the words.

For a moment, he just kept staring at her, speechless. Then he finally gave in, pulling her into his arms with a choked sob. “I love you, too.”


TBC

Buffy woke up with a frown, looking around the room in confusion for a moment before remembering were she was. Spike was still sleeping next to her on the couch, so she carefully untangled herself from his arms and slowly sat up. Her back and neck hurt and she winced, not being used to sleeping all night on a couch. Still, she couldn’t help but smile as she recalled the feeling of falling asleep in Spike’s strong arms, hearing him whisper sweet words of love and affection in her ear as she felt herself drifting away. For the longest time, they had just been lying there on the couch, clinging to each other almost desperately before finally allowing sleep to claim them.

Now Spike stirred on the couch, mumbling something she couldn’t make out. Reaching out for her, his eyes immediately snapped open when he couldn’t find her. “Hey, get back here.”

Smiling, Buffy leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on his lips. “Be right back.”

She tried to get up, but he grabbed her arm to prevent her from leaving. “I said get back here, m’lonely!”

Buffy gave him a patient look, although she was still smiling. “I really need to pee.” He let go of her arm with a pout, and she giggled. “Are you pouting?”

“No!” He glared at her. “I don’t bloody pout.”

She giggled again, knowing that it was exactly what he had been doing. “You know, you’re really cute in the morning.” His eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth to object, but she beat him to it; “In a very manly way, of course.” She ignored his snort and got up. “Mind if I take a shower?”

Spike finally sat up. “Go ahead. I’ll fix us some breakfast.” Then he spotted some leftover pizza on the coffee table and grabbed a slice.

Buffy stared at him. “Okay, that’s just gross.”

“What?” He took a big bite.

“Spike, that pizza’s been there all night!” She grimaced.

He shrugged. “So? I’m hungry.”

She rolled her eyes, an amused look on her face. “Whatever.” Trying to run her fingers through her hair, her eyes widened in horror. “Oh my God! Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“About what?” He put the pizza down, looking at her in confusion.

“About the dead cat on my head!” He chuckled. Buffy glared at him and stormed off towards the bathroom, muttering angrily to herself.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Buffy returned, about twenty minutes later, she found Spike in the kitchen, making toast and coffee. He looked up when she entered the room. “Working today?” She shook her head, happily accepting the cup of coffee he offered her. “Me neither. Wanna go shopping?”

Buffy stopped with the cup in mid air, raising a brow. “Wow! You really are the perfect boyfriend, aren’t you? I could always use a new pair of shoes!” She smiled, widely.

He rolled his eyes. “I bet, but then you’re on your own. I’d follow you to the end of the world, pet, except to some bloody shoe store where I’d be spending the rest of the day watching you trying on different kinds of footwear.” Now it was her turn to pout and he cocked his head to the side. “Look at that lip… gonna get it!” Buffy giggled as he pulled her close and attacked her lips with his. Then he pulled back and glanced at her, almost shyly. “You, um… think you might wanna spend the night here again some time?”

She gave him a soft smile. “Of course.” Then her smile faltered a little. “I mean, if you want me to?”

Running his fingers gently down her cheek, Spike looked her right in the eyes. “Don’t have to ask, luv. I won’t let you go now.” The smile on her face was back. He gently brushed his lips against hers again, then walked over to the kitchen table, putting some distance between them. When he spoke again, he kept his eyes on the floor, not wanting to look directly at her. “Kinda need a new bed. It’s too small for the two of us, and, um…” He hesitated. “Just wouldn’t feel right, you know, sleeping there after…” He stopped, clearly uncomfortable with the serious turn the conversation had suddenly taken.

“Oh.” Buffy bit her lip, slowly walking over to him. “Of course, I understand.” She took his hand and squeezed it, softly.

Giving her a grateful look, Spike slipped his free arm around her slender waist. He was quiet for a moment, enjoying the way she was leaning closer to him. “Thought about moving, you know, finding a new place.” She looked at him but didn’t say anything, so he went on; “I mean, he’s been here. And…” He let go of her, abruptly, and started pacing the room. Then he stopped, looking down at his feet. “I left London to get away from him. But now he’s here. And I feel like…” He hesitated, not sure how to go on since he just wasn’t used to having to put his feelings into words.

She gave him a sad smile, understanding dawning on her. “You feel like by showing up here, he’s taken something from you.” He glanced at her, but didn’t say anything. Still, she had come to know him well enough to realize that she was on the right tracks. She took a hesitant step towards him. “Spike?”

“Yeah, well, he’s been doing that my whole bloody life,” he muttered, angrily. “Don’t know why I was stupid enough to think it would stop just because I got out of the country!” He let out a frustrated sigh, then glanced at Buffy again. “Sorry, luv, I just…”

“Don’t.” She gave him a firm look. “Never apologize for how you feel. I want you to talk to me, remember? I just wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you.”

Spike stared at her for a moment before walking over to her, pulling Buffy into his arms and hugging her close. “You do,” he mumbled into her hair. “Don’t ever doubt it, pet. If it weren’t for you, I…” He swallowed, not sure there were even words enough to explain to her how much she had already done for him. He may have saved her the first time they met, but it was really Buffy who had saved him, from a life in total loneliness and isolation. He had been dead inside before he met her, and she had brought him back to life. And for that, he didn’t think he would ever be able to repay her. But he was willing to spend the rest of his life trying.

Suddenly he pulled back. “Let’s go out tonight.”

Buffy stared at him like he had just grown a second head. “What?”

“I said, let’s go out tonight.” He gave her a pleading look. “Buffy, I don’t wanna spend all my time sitting here wondering when that bastard will be back. And you deserve to have some fun. We could…” He stopped when he saw the frown on her face. “What?”

She sighed. “What about you, Spike? Don’t you deserve to have some fun as well?” Crossing her arms over her chest, she silently dared him to object.

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Finally he let out a sigh. “Fine. We both deserve to have some fun. Happy?”

Giving him a sweet smile, Buffy placed a soft kiss on his cheek. “Very.”

Spike gave her an uncertain look. “So, what do you say?”

“Oh.” She giggled a little. “Sorry. I’d love to go out tonight. But…” She bit her lip, nervously, then glanced at him. “Spike, you know I love you, right?” He gave her a somewhat worried look, but nodded. “Well, there is one thing I’d like you to do for me.”

He raised a brow. “I’m not going bloody shoe-shopping with you.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “That’s not it.”

“Oh, thank God!” He smirked when she mock glared at him. “You know I’d do anything for you, luv. What is it?”

She took a deep breath. “I’d like you to meet my parents.”


TBC

”You want me to…?” Spike’s eyes widened. He didn’t know what he had expected Buffy to say, but it was safe to say that this was just about the last thing he had imagined. The idea of meeting her parents had never even crossed his mind, although he supposed he should have known it would come to that sooner or later. The thing was, Buffy had complained over and over again about how her parents were never home, so he had gotten the impression that they weren’t that close. And now she wanted him to meet them? Spike suddenly felt like his head was spinning.

Buffy gave him an uncertain look. “I mean, only if you want to, of course. You don’t have to feel like…” She hesitated. “I just thought… since we are dating and everything…” Swallowing, she looked down at her feet. “I think they would really like to meet you.”

“Oh.” Spike nodded in understanding. Of course Buffy’s parents would want to know who their daughter was seeing. It made perfectly sense. But he just wasn’t used to things like this. He had never dated anyone before, and now he realized that he hadn’t even thought about the fact that most people had both a family and friends. Him being the exception, of course. Suddenly he felt really stupid.

Glancing at him, Buffy bit her lip. “If it’s too soon…”

“No.” Spike snapped out of his thoughts and gave her a smile he hoped would be assuring. “Was just a little surprised, is all. I don’t mind. I’d be happy to meet your parents, luv.”

Buffy looked relieved. “Really?” He nodded. “Great!” Now she was beaming at him. “When?”

“Um…” Spike didn’t know what to say. Finally he shrugged. “You decide, pet. Whenever you want is fine with me.”

“Okay.” Buffy thought about it for a moment. “How does tomorrow night sound? You could come over to my house after work and we’ll have dinner.”

Spike shrugged again. “Sure.” Suddenly he couldn’t help but wonder what Buffy had told her parents about him, if anything. He really hoped things wouldn’t be too awkward, knowing that he wasn’t exactly good with other people. The one thing he was good at was pushing them away. Except for Buffy, that was. Maybe her parents would hate him. But this was clearly important to her, so he would go. Like he had said; he would do just about anything for her. And if that included hanging out with her parents, then so be it.

Buffy’s smile had faltered a little at his lack of enthusiasm and she had become very quiet. “Spike, are you sure you’re okay with this?”

He knew then that if he would say no, if he would show even the slightest sign of hesitation, Buffy would call the whole thing off in a heartbeat. And that made him love her even more. For once, he wanted to be the one to do something for her, instead of the other way around. He cupped her cheek and placed a soft kiss on her lips. Then he pulled back, looking her right in the eyes. “I’m sorry, luv. This is just kinda new to me, you know?” She nodded and he went on; “I’m okay with this, Buffy. Really. And tomorrow night’s just fine. I’m looking forward to it.”

She looked at him for a moment, obviously trying to see if he really meant it. Then she seemed to relax a little. “Okay. I’ll call my mom right away.”


*~*~*

The rest of the morning went by quickly. After calling her mother and making arrangements for the following night, Buffy and Spike jumped on his motorcycle and went into town. After spending quite some time looking and trying out different kinds of beds, they finally stopped for lunch at a small restaurant. There they ate in comfortable silence, until suddenly a throat was being cleared next to their table. Looking up, Buffy’s eyes widened a little. “Xander?”

“Hey, Buff!” Xander glanced at Spike, but didn’t include him in the greeting. Next to him was the same guy Buffy had seen him with the nigh before at the pizza place. “You remember Jesse?” Again, he turned to Buffy, ignoring Spike completely.

“Yes, Xander, we met last night.” Buffy felt more than a little annoyed by Xander’s rude behavior. She had really thought they were past this, but it was obvious that he still wouldn't accept her boyfriend. “Do you remember Spike?” She raised a brow, clearly indicating that she knew what he was doing and didn’t like it. After all, Xander had promised to be nice, and last night she had thought he was actually trying. But today, he seemed to have forgotten all about that.

“Sure,” he muttered, nodding briefly at Spike before turning back to his friend. “Come on, man. We better get a table before they all get taken.”

Jesse opened his mouth to say something, clearly a little uncomfortable by the sudden tension, but Buffy beat him to it. “Xander, wait, I wanna talk to you.” Before he could say anything, she hurried to add; “In private.” Then she glanced at Spike to see if he was okay with that, relieved when he nodded and gave her an assuring smile. Standing up, she was a little surprised when he grabbed her arm to prevent her from leaving, pulling her back down to give her a long, deep kiss before letting go, a satisfied look on his face as he glanced at Xander.

Buffy rolled her eyes, but couldn’t keep the amused smile from appearing on her face, knowing all too well that Spike had kissed her like that deliberately to annoy Xander. Not that she was complaining, of course. In fact, for a moment she actually considered climbing onto Spike’s lap and show Xander just how much this guy really meant to her, but quickly decided against it. She didn’t want Spike to think that she was using him in any way. And besides, she wanted to talk to Xander and get it over with as quickly as possible, so she and Spike could leave.

Now she looked at Xander, gesturing for him to follow her outside. He let out a sigh, but obeyed with a nod. As soon as they had stepped outside the restaurant, he turned to Buffy, raising his hands in a defensive manner. “Okay, before you say anything, I didn’t mean…”

Buffy interrupted him before he could finish; “Didn’t mean what, Xander? To act like a complete ass? To embarrass me in front of my boyfriend? To make yourself look like a jerk in front of your friend?” She paused. “I can go on for hours.”

“Right.” Xander looked down at his feet. Then he sighed. “I’m sorry, okay. What do you want me to say? I just don’t like the guy.”

“You don’t even know him!” Buffy glared at him. “We’ve been through this, Xander. I’m in love with Spike and you’ll just have to deal with it.”

“Whoa!” Xander stared at her. “You’re in love with him? When the hell did that happen?”

“That’s not the point.” Buffy glanced through the window, seeing Spike and Jesse still waiting by the table inside. It looked like they were talking, but she couldn’t be sure. She could feel a headache coming up. Why did Xander have to be like this? Why couldn’t he just accept her decision? Suddenly she realized that she didn’t care. She’d had enough. “You know what? Just stay away from me from now on. You’re obviously not my friend anymore. If you were, then you wouldn’t do this to me.”

Xander’s eyes widened. “Wait a minute… Buffy, I…”

“Don’t.” Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. “Spike and I are leaving. Enjoy your lunch.” She turned her back at him and went back into the restaurant, not bothering to hold the door up for him.

For a moment, Xander just stared at the spot Buffy had been, frozen in place. Had he really just lost one of his best friends? He felt a lump forming in his throat and couldn’t help but wonder how everything could go so horribly wrong.


TBC

Spike glanced at Buffy, seeing how she seemed to be lost in her thoughts. He cleared his throat. “You okay, pet?”

She looked up, giving him an apologetic look. “Yeah, sure. Sorry, I’m just…” Hesitating, she simply shrugged, not sure how to explain.

He was quiet for a moment. “You wanna leave?” They were sitting at a small table at the local night club; The Bronze, where they had decided to spend the evening. So far, Spike had only had one beer and Buffy had ordered a drink, which she had yet to touch.

“No.” Buffy reached for his hand and squeezed it, gently. She let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, honey, I guess I’m not the best company tonight. Just believe me when I say it has nothing to do with you.” Another sigh. “Great, now he’s even managed to ruin my night out!” She took a sip of her drink, pausing for a moment and then taking another, muttering to herself; “Stupid Xander…”

Relieved at the fact that Buffy was clearly not upset with him, or bored of being in his company, Spike gave her a sympathetic smile. “Sorry, luv. Wish I could tell you he’ll come around and everything will be okay.” He paused. “Am I a terrible person for thinking you might be better off without him? I mean, he’s supposed to be your friend, and…” Then he stopped, suddenly not sure of what he was trying to say. He didn’t exactly have any friends of his own, so who was he to tell anyone what to do in a situation like this? Still, he knew that Buffy was upset because of what her so called friend had said to her earlier, and he didn’t like it. He would do just about anything to make her smile again.

“I know, you’re right.” Buffy slumped back into her chair. “The whole thing just makes me…”

He ran his fingers up and down her arm in a soothing manner. “Sad?”

“No.” Buffy rolled her eyes. “Try angry. Furious. Pissed off.” She took another sip from her glass. “I mean, who the hell does Xander think he is?! How dare he think he has any right to tell me how to live my life?! I’m so mad right now, I could just… argh!” Grabbing her glass again, she quickly downed the rest of its contents in one sweep, grimacing slightly as she slammed the empty glass down, hard, on the table. “Think I need more of this.”

Raising a brow, Spike kept stroking her arm. “You sure that’s a good idea, pet?” He raised his hands in defense as she glared at him. “And I’m not telling you what to do, I just happen to care about you. You know that.” He paused. “You do know that, right?”

Buffy looked down at her hands, pouting a little. “Yes.” She glanced at him. “And you know I love you, right?”

He smirked. “That I do. Look, if you really want another drink…”

“No, I’m good.” She sighed. “Me and alcohol don’t mix. I had a glass of champagne at my cousin’s wedding once, and threw up all over one of the bridesmaids.” She shuddered at the memory. “God, that was embarrassing!”

Spike couldn’t help but chuckle. Buffy pouted again, and he leaned over to give her a kiss. When he pulled back, she actually smiled a little. “Wasn’t funny at the time.”

“I bet it wasn’t.” He tried to stay serious, but failing miserably.

“So…” Buffy decided to change the subject, trying to get her mind off of Xander. “Are you nervous about tomorrow night?”

Spike snorted, crossing his arms over his chest. “No. Why would I be?”

“Liar!” Buffy smiled at him when he opened his mouth to object. “You don’t have to be, you know. My parents are really nice. You’re gonna love them.”

“Right.” He didn’t mention the fact that he was more worried about what they were going to think about him than the other way around. To tell the truth, he had no expectations at all. Still, he wanted to meet Buffy’s parents, since it was obviously important to her. But that didn’t change the fact that he wanted the whole thing to be over, preferably as quickly as possible. He supposed he really was a bit nervous after all. Hell, who was he kidding? He was bloody terrified.

Seeing how his mood seemed to change for the worse, Buffy silently cursed herself for her stupidity. They were supposed to have fun tonight, and she kept ruining it by bringing up the wrong thing. Looking around the room, her eyes brightened at the sight of all the people up on the dance floor. Suddenly the music changed to a much slower song. Eagerly, she grabbed Spike’s hand. “Come on, let’s dance!”

His eyes widened in horror. “I don’t dance.”

“Please?” She gave him a sweet smile, causing him to roll his eyes.

“Bloody hell… Fine.” He reluctantly got up, his hand still in hers. Then he couldn’t help but smile when he saw the happy look on her face. As Buffy was practically bouncing towards the dance floor, tugging on his hand to get him to move faster, he knew that he had been right. He really would do just about anything to make her happy.

Up on the dance floor, Spike hesitated for a moment, glancing at all the other couples around them. They were all swaying, slowly, to the beat of the music, happily unaware of the rest of the world. Putting his arms around Buffy, he could hear her sigh happily as her own arms came to rest around his waist. Then she rested her head against his chest, tightening her grip around him as they started to move to the music. “I love you,” she mumbled into his chest.

He placed a soft kiss on the top of her head before resting his cheek against her soft hair. Suddenly he felt like crying. “Love you, too,” he whispered, not sure if she could hear him or not. But he had a feeling she did. Running his hands slowly up and down her back, he smiled as he felt her leaning even closer to him, like they were still too far apart from each other and would die if they ever lost contact, even for a second. And at that very moment, he felt like it was true. Never before had he felt so utterly complete, like his whole life had been leading up to this very moment.

Buffy let out a soft moan, enjoying the feeling of Spike’s strong arms around her. She knew it was such a cliché, but nevertheless, she felt like if she would die that very moment, she would die happy. Because right there, she had everything she would ever need; the man she loved, holding her tight, yet tenderly in his arms. That was when she felt it. Something hard, pressing against her stomach. Something that definitely hadn’t been there a moment ago.

Her eyes widened in surprise and she pulled back, only slightly, so she could see his face. At first he wouldn’t meet her eyes, clearly embarrassed, but when she leaned closer again and gently pressed her lips against his, she felt him relax and return the kiss, hungrily. Then she pulled back again, relieved when he finally looked at her. A happy grin spread on his face and he kissed her again. As Buffy pressed her body gently against his, she could feel him responding. At that moment, she was very grateful Spike was holding her so tight, because if he hadn't, she was certain she would've passed out right there on the dance floor.


TBC

Buffy flew down the stairs and into the kitchen, startling her mother enough to make her almost drop the large salad bowl she was carrying. “Mom! Have you seen my new…?” She stopped dead in her tracks in front of the empty kitchen table, a horrified look on her face. “Why isn’t the table set yet?! Spike will be here any minute!”

Joyce Summers calmly put the bowl back down and turned around, giving her daughter a patient look. “Buffy, we’re eating in the dining room tonight, just like we always do when we have guests coming over. Everything is prepared.”

“Oh.” Relaxing a little, Buffy nodded in understanding. “That’s good, then. Good thinking!” She let out a sigh of relief. The date last night had been absolutely perfect, and she wanted nothing more than to keep things that way.

Smiling to herself, Joyce turned back to the stove in time to take a saucepan off of the hotplate. “Just relax, honey. I can’t remember ever seeing you this worked up before.” She paused. “Sweetie, I realize this dinner is important to you and I have every intention to make it perfect.” Another pause. “Now, as for your father…”

“Dad!” Buffy’s eyes darted around the kitchen, as if she expected her father to magically appear next to the dish stand. “He’s not here yet? He can’t be late! I talked to him this morning, and…”

“And I also called him this afternoon to remind him.” Joyce sighed. “Buffy, he said he’d be here. I’m sure he’ll show up.” She kept her eyes on the food, not wanting her daughter to see the doubtful look on her face. Then she put on a strained smile and turned around again. “What were you looking for when you came rushing in here?”

Buffy’s eyes widened as she remembered. “My new pair of ear rings. I can’t find them, they’re gone! Oh God…”

“Have you looked under your bed?” Joyce grabbed a pair of oven mitts and went to open the oven.

Frowning, Buffy shook her head. “No. But I don’t think…” The sudden sound of the doorbell interrupted her, and she let out a gasp. “Oh my God, Spike’s already here! I can’t believe he shows up on time and I’m not ready! And Dad’s not even here yet! This is so gonna be a disaster, I just knew…”

“Buffy…” Joyce closed the oven, carefully, and took off the oven mitts. “I’ll get the door, you go look for your ear rings again. And if you can’t find them, I have a pair almost exactly the same you can borrow. They’re in the jewel box at my night stand. And sweetie?” This time she didn’t bother to hide her amusement.

Buffy took a deep breath, trying to keep from hyperventilating. “Yes, Mom?”

“Relax! Everything will be just fine.” Joyce patted her daughter’s arm and left the kitchen. Buffy stared after her for a moment, then snapped out of it and rushed past her mother, disappearing up the stairs before the older woman would open the door.


*~*~*

Spike was standing at the front porch outside the door, reminding himself over and over again that he had nothing to be nervous about. He was just here to meet Buffy’s parents; it was no big deal. Of course, deep down he knew that wasn’t exactly true. It was obviously a big deal for Buffy, and maybe even more so for him. He knew Buffy was hoping for them all to get along, and he was determined to do his very best not to disappoint her. But still, he had never done anything like this before. In fact, never in his wildest dreams had he imagined ever being in a situation like this, and he had no idea what to expect, nor how to act around her parents.

Of course, Buffy already knew that. She had told him that everything would be just fine and that he just had to be himself. Right! He almost snorted at that. Suddenly he could imagine, all too well, himself sitting on the edge of the couch while Buffy’s mother was questioning him about his family, a look of disapproval on her face, and her father glaring at him, sternly, as he wanted to know all about Spike’s intentions regarding his little girl. Cringing at the thought, Spike suddenly wondered if this was really such a good idea after all.

That was when the door swung open, and a blonde woman who had to be Buffy’s mother was standing in front of him. “Hello! You must be Spike. Please, come on in.” She took a step back to allow him to enter.

Taking a deep breath, Spike realized that there was no turning back, and stepped through the door. Putting on a polite smile, he shook the woman’s outstretched hand. “Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Summers. Thanks for inviting me over.”

The woman smiled, warmly. “Please, call me Joyce. And the pleasure is all mine. It’s so nice to finally meet you, Spike. In fact, my daughter has…”

“God, please don’t finish that sentence!” Buffy came rushing down the stairs, having heard the last part and was eager to interrupt her mother before she would say anything that would surely embarrass her. But Joyce – knowing exactly what her daughter was thinking – just rolled her eyes before winking at Spike, as if to indicate that they would finish that conversation later.

Spike couldn’t help but chuckle a little at the horrified expression on Buffy’s face, realizing that she seemed to be almost as nervous as he was. Forcing himself to relax – Joyce didn’t seem to be so bad after all – he looked around the room, searching for something to say. “Um, you have a lovely home, Joyce.”

“Oh, thank you!” Joyce gave him a bright smile and then glanced at Buffy, clearly impressed by his politeness.

Buffy rolled her eyes, but couldn’t help feeling both relieved and pleased at the fact that her mother already seemed to like Spike so far. Walking over to her boyfriend, she slipped her hand into his and smiled when he leaned over to give her a soft peck on the cheek. Then, when he mumbled into her ear that she looked absolutely beautiful, Buffy’s smile turned into a silly grin and she could feel her knees go weak. Then she forced herself to snap out of it and glanced at her mother, blushing slightly. “So, Mom, do you need any more help in the kitchen, or…?”

Joyce had to bite her tongue to keep from laughing. Buffy hadn’t even sat her foot in the kitchen that night until she came rushing in, looking for her pair of ear rings. In fact, her daughter had spent the last two hours in the bathroom, making herself ready while her mother had done all the cooking, but Joyce was kind enough not to mention that. Instead she just shook her head. “No thanks, sweetie. Why don’t you and Spike…” She was interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing, and sighed. “Do you mind getting that? It’s probably your father.”

Buffy got a worried look on her face, but nodded and hurried towards the phone. Spike frowned at her reaction, but didn’t say anything. So, Mr. Summers wasn’t home after all. He recalled Buffy mentioning something about how he spent more time with his secretary than with his family. As Buffy picked up the cordless phone and said ‘hello’, he turned to Joyce, not wanting to listen in on Buffy’s conversation. “Um, is there anything I can do to help?”

Joyce – who had been glancing towards her daughter with a concerned look on her face – gave him another warm smile. “That is very sweet of you to ask, but everything is already…” Her voice trailed off as she could hear Buffy raise her voice at the other side of the room, and she gave Spike an apologetic look. “Would you excuse me for a moment?” He nodded and Joyce quickly stepped over to her daughter. “Sweetie, is it your father? Let me talk to him…”

Ignoring her mother, Buffy forced herself to lower her voice as she continued speaking into the phone. “But Dad, you promised you’d be here! I…” She became quiet for a moment, listening to what her father was saying. Then she let out a shaky breath. “Please, Dad, I wanted you to meet...” Another pause. “I understand, but can’t you just…? Okay.” She swallowed, desperately trying to keep the tears from falling.

“Give me that.” Joyce had obviously heard enough, and grabbed the phone from her daughter. “Hank, you’ll get your ass over here, now!” She listened for a moment before she went on, furiously; “Don’t give me that crap! I stopped expecting you to care about me a long time ago, but you promised your daughter you’d be here tonight. I swear to God, Hank, if you don’t…”

“Mom!” Buffy wiped at her eyes and stared at her mother in horror before glancing at Spike, unable to figure out what he could possibly be thinking. This is not happening, she thought, miserably. But as Joyce kept yelling at her husband over the phone, Buffy realized that the night she had wanted so much to be perfect was turning into disaster, just as she had feared.


TBC

After her mother had slammed the phone down and stomped off into the kitchen, muttering something about ’checking the food and maybe getting a drink’, Buffy didn’t dare to look at Spike. Instead she kept her eyes on the floor, desperately resisting the urge to turn around and run upstairs to hide in her room for the rest of the night. Why did things have to go so horribly wrong? She had just wanted Spike to meet her parents – both of them – and try to make him see that not all families were bad and twisted. She had wanted him to feel comfortable around her parents as well as her, but after this, she didn’t see that happening any time in the nearest future. Still avoiding to look at him, she took a deep breath before mumbling in a small voice; “I’m sorry.”

Spike glanced at her, a little surprised. He didn’t see why she felt the need to apologize to him, even though he could see that she was clearly upset. To tell the truth, he was a little relieved that Buffy’s father wasn’t coming, still not very comfortable around new people. But one look at Buffy told him that she was beyond upset; she looked almost crushed, and he couldn’t help but wonder if it was really just because her father had canceled dinner. Slipping his arm gently around her waist, he wished he knew what she was thinking. “Sorry ‘bout what, luv?”

Buffy immediately melted against him, leaning into his touch almost desperately. Letting out a shuddering breath, her arms found their way around him as well. “For this, of course. For how things turned out.” A pause. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I just wanted…” She forced back a sob, unable to go on.

“Buffy? Pet?” Spike ran her hand over her hair in a soothing gesture, then pulled back a little so he could look at her. “It’s okay, luv, really. We can do this another time. Look, I can just…” He hesitated, wondering if he should offer to leave. Not that he really wanted to, but maybe it was the polite thing to do in a situation like this. He had no idea.

She pulled back, abruptly, looking at him with tearful eyes. “You’re leaving?”

Running her fingers down her cheek, gently brushing away a single tear, Spike placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “Only if you want me to, kitten.” He held his breath as he waited for her to respond, relieved when she shook her head.

“Don’t be silly!” Joyce came back into the room at that moment, having heard the last part of their conversation. She let out a sigh, turning directly to Spike. “I’m sorry this night didn’t start off very well. I know my daughter wanted it to be perfect.” She paused. “Hank won’t be joining us after all. I guess he’s got more important things to do.” Seeing how Buffy started to object, she raised her hand to stop her. “Really, Buffy, you don’t have to defend him. I know he’s your father, but let’s face it; this family stopped being his priority a long time ago.” Another pause. “Well, dinner’s ready!” She put on a strained smile.

Glancing at Spike, Buffy noticed that he looked almost as uncomfortable as she felt, and realized that she couldn’t blame him if he would just turn around and run, most likely as far away as possible. Sighing, she gave him a questioning look, relieved when she got an assuring smile in return. Still, she couldn’t wait for this dinner to be over. Hopefully, without any more awkward events like this.


*~*~*

Almost two hours later, Buffy was relieved to see that things were looking up a bit. The dinner went by smoothly, without any further disasters or interruptions, and she was pleased to find that not only did her mother seem to approve of Spike, but he seemed to be comfortable in her presence as well. Yet, when Joyce excused herself and got up, insisting she would make them all some nice, hot chocolate, Buffy couldn’t help letting out a sigh of relief. When her mother had left the room, after waving off Spike’s offer to help, Buffy slipped her hand into her boyfriend’s. “You okay?”

Spike leaned over to give her a quick peck on the lips, but the kiss soon became more intense. Finally he pulled back a little, not missing the disappointed look on her face at the loss of contact. He smiled. “Just thought you needed to breathe, pet.” Then he sighed happily as she curled up in his arms, resting her head on his shoulder. “And to answer your question, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

It was now Buffy’s turn to sigh and she found herself clinging to him, almost desperately. “I was afraid you’d be a little… overwhelmed, or something. I mean, my mom’s great, but she can be a little too much some times.” She paused. “And I’m so sorry she forced you to look at all those photo albums.”

He shrugged. “Didn’t mind at all. And I like your mum. She’s a nice lady.”

“Still…” Buffy pouted a little. “She didn’t have to show you the ones of me running around the house naked when I was three. That was just mean.” Spike chuckled.

“Buffy? Could you come in here for a moment?” Joyce was calling from the other room.

Buffy gave Spike an apologetic look and hurried into the kitchen. Joyce was just about to pour some of the steaming beverage into large cups. She smiled at her daughter. “Do you think Spike wants some of those little marshmallows in his chocolate?”

“I’m sure he does.” Buffy frowned. “Why don’t you just ask him yourself?”

“Oh, that’s not why I asked you to come in here.” Joyce put the cups down on a small tray. “I just wanted you to know that I don’t expect the two of you to stay here all night, just to keep me company. If you want to go out or something, I completely understand.”

“Oh.” Buffy thought about it for a moment. Maybe they could go back to Spike’s place and watch a movie or something. “Okay, if you won’t mind.” Then she glanced at her mother, suddenly nervous. “So, what do you think?”

“About Spike?” Joyce found a bag of extra small marshmallows in one of the kitchen cabinets and put a couple in each cup. “He seems like a very nice guy. I like him.”

Buffy let out the breath she had been holding, relieved that she had been right about her mother’s approval. “Yeah, me too.”

Joyce smiled at her daughter. “I can tell.” Then she lowered her voice a little. “I didn’t want to ask before, but have you met his parents?”

“Um…” Buffy didn’t know what to say for a moment. Then she nodded, not meeting her mother’s eyes. “I met his mother once. But…” She hesitated, suddenly feeling very awkward. At the same time, she was grateful that her mother hadn’t asked that question at dinner. Finally she decided to just be honest, hoping that Spike would understand. “She died.”

“What?” Joyce stared at her in shock. “But you’ve only known Spike for a couple of weeks. When did this happen?”

Buffy cringed, feeling even more uncomfortable. “Just a couple of days ago.”

“Oh my God!” Joyce shook her head in disbelief, glancing towards the living room. “How horrible! The poor boy, he must be crushed.” Then she crossed her arms over her chest, giving Buffy a look of disapproval. “Buffy, don’t you think you should’ve told me about this before? What if I had asked him about his family? You would’ve put all of us in a very uncomfortable situation.”

Looking down at her feet, Buffy suddenly felt ashamed. “I know, I’m sorry. But it’s kinda complicated.”

Joyce nodded in understanding. “I can see that.” She was quiet for a moment. “I know it’s none of my business, but what about his father?”

Buffy hesitated. “He’s not around.” Well, it was true. Spike had never said anything about his real father. And she really didn’t think it was in her place to say anything about Ethan. Even if Spike had told her, she was pretty sure that he didn’t want anyone else to know about his step father.

“I see.” Joyce nodded again, a thoughtful look on her face.

“Mom, please…” Buffy gave her mother a pleading look. “Don’t mention any of this to Spike. He doesn’t like to talk about it.”

“Of course not.” Joyce was silent for a moment. Then she looked at her daughter, a serious expression on her face. “Buffy, do you love him?”

Buffy stared at her with wide eyes, not having expected such a personal question. Then she nodded. “I do. Why?”

Joyce kept looking at her for a moment, looking almost sad. “I know you’re not a little girl anymore. But this relationship is still very new. I suppose I just wanted to know how serious you two are, that’s all. Because face it, honey, you really haven’t told me much.”

Knowing her mother was right, Buffy let out a sigh. “I know. Sorry about that. But it’s real, Mom. I really do love him. I’ve never felt this way before. And Spike feels the same way.”

“Then I’m happy for both of you.” Finally, Joyce smiled. Then she handed Buffy the tray with the hot chocolate. “Here. You better take this to Spike before it gets cold. Then the two of you should go out and have some fun. I’ll take care of the dishes after you leave.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Buffy put the tray down and gave her mother a long hug. Suddenly she couldn’t help but feeling excited. The night was still young, and she was really looking forward to spend the rest of it, alone, with her boyfriend.


TBC

”So, did you tell your mum you’re staying here again tonight?” Spike did his best to act casual when he asked the question, hoping she would say yes but not wanting to sound too eager or desperate. The truth was, he didn’t look forward to sleeping without Buffy, having gotten used to having her around. Even though she wouldn’t be able to keep his nightmares away, he knew he would feel better with her right there next to him. But that wasn’t the only reason he wanted her to stay. When he was with Buffy, he felt complete. And when he wasn’t, he felt like a part of himself was missing.

After leaving Buffy’s house a couple of hours ago, they had gone back to his apartment where they were now half lying, happily snuggled up together on the couch in front of the tv. Spike had put on a movie, but found himself having a hard time focusing on what was happening on the screen. Every now and then he would glance down at the beautiful girl in his arms, wondering again how he could possibly be so lucky to deserve her. Running his fingers through her long, golden hair, he didn’t miss the way she closed her eyes and let out a happy little sigh.

Now she giggled a little. “Yeah, I told her just when we were about to leave, expecting her to object. But she was totally cool about it. I think she really likes you.” Spike was surprisingly pleased to hear that, although he didn’t say anything. Instead he just tightened his grip around her and brushed his lips against her cheek. Buffy smiled and shifted in his arms so she could look at him. “This is nice. I could stay like this forever.”

Spike nodded. “Yeah, me too.” He really meant it. For years, he had dreaded the mere thought of body contact with anyone, but for some reason, he just couldn’t get enough of being close to Buffy. Now he remembered how he had enjoyed the way they had been dancing the other night at The Bronze, knowing that he had reacted in a way that probably had amazed them both. The thought of getting a massive hard-on from being physically close to another person had simply not existed for him before; the very idea would have sickened him. But suddenly he realized that not only had he truly enjoyed it, he wanted to experience the same thing again.

Of course, the thought of having sex still scared him, but for the first time ever, he found himself wondering if the whole idea suddenly hadn’t come to seem at least slightly less repulsive. Maybe there was still hope for him after all. He glanced at Buffy, wondering if he should say anything, but decided against it, not wanting to disappoint her. Because he still wasn’t sure he would ever be truly ready to go all the way in their relationship. But still, the fact that he could even consider it without panicking had to mean something, right? He decided that it was at least a small step in the right direction. Hell, who was he kidding? It was a huge step.

“What are you thinking about?” Spike almost jumped when Buffy spoke, having been lost in his thoughts. She gave him a somewhat worried look. “Something wrong?”

“No.” He gave her an assuring smile. “Just thinking, is all. Nothing serious.” A pause. “I love you, you know that, right?”

Her worried expression changed into a warm smile and she beamed at him. “I know, baby. I love you, too.” Buffy snuggled even closer to him on the couch, gasping in surprise when he suddenly pulled her up on his lap so she was straddling him. She couldn’t help but moan when he buried his face against her neck, nuzzling her hair before starting to place soft kisses down her collar bone. Then she wondered what had caused him to take their usually innocent snuggling to this new level, knowing perfectly well how reluctant he had been up until now.

Of course, she supposed that wasn’t entirely true. She knew that Spike had slowly started to change, and every day he seemed to open up a little more around her. Still, she didn’t want to scare him away, or make him feel uncomfortable, by doing something he wouldn’t be ready for. Although, sometimes she wanted him so much she feared she would go crazy. After all, the guy was totally hot. With his bleached blonde hair, amazingly blue eyes and perfect cheek bones, he looked like a Greek god, and sometimes Buffy had to remind herself not to start drooling in front of him. Because Spike was, without doubt, the most gorgeous guy she had ever seen.

As Buffy wriggled on his lap to find a more comfortable position, she was a little surprised, yet very pleased, when it only took a moment before she once again could feel his hardening erection against her. This time he didn’t even seem to be embarrassed, much to her relief. An sudden idea occurred to her, and she pulled back slightly and looked at him. “You trust me, right?”

Spike frowned. “Course I do. You know that. Why?” Instead of answering, Buffy moved away from his lap, a playful smile on her lips. He grunted in objection. “Hey, where are you going?”

Still smiling, she placed her hand on his thigh. “Just trust me. If you don’t like it, I’ll stop.”

His eyes widened when she started moving her hand, letting her fingers run up and down his thigh in a gentle caress. After a couple of minutes, she slowly moved her hand until she reached the hard bulge she had clearly felt under his black jeans, rubbing it softly. When Spike gasped and she felt him tense up, she immediately glanced at him to make sure he was okay with what she was doing. At first he just stared at her, like he wasn’t quite sure of what was happening. Then he closed his eyes and let out a soft moan, which she took as a sign to continue. But to be absolutely sure, she paused for a moment. “This okay? Should I stop?”

Spike’s eyes snapped open, and Buffy had to suppress a giggle at the horrified expression on his face. “I take that as a ‘no’, then,” she mumbled.

He let out a shuddering breath before closing his eyes again as she kept stroking him. “God, Buffy…” Suddenly he was painfully aware of how tight and uncomfortable his jeans had become. And wasn’t it very hot in the apartment?

“Spike?” He opened his eyes again when she spoke. “Do you want…?”

“No!” He interrupted her, surprising them both by grabbing her hand and holding it firmly in place so she wouldn’t be able to pull away. “Don’t stop.”

Buffy looked amused. “I won’t,” she promised, giving him an assuring smile. “I just thought you might be a little more comfortable if you’d pull down your pants a little.”


TBC

Pulling back abruptly, Spike fought the urge to push Buffy away from him and bolt. Instead, he settled for putting some distance between them in a desperate attempt to keep the panic from welling up inside him. “Buffy, I…”

“Spike, it’s okay.” Buffy tried to put her hand on his arm, but pulled back when she saw him flinch, slightly. She swallowed. “It was just an idea, it was stupid. Forget I said anything. We can just…” She hesitated. “…watch another movie or something.”

“No.” Spike closed his eyes for a moment, silently cursing himself for being such a git. “It’s not you, okay? It’s me. I’m sorry, I just…” He rolled his eyes, frustrated for not finding the right words.

“You don’t have to explain, I understand.” Buffy had to bite her lip to keep the tears from welling up in her eyes. How could she be so stupid? Of course he wouldn’t be ready for that, she should have known better than to make such a suggestion. But she had gotten caught up in the heat of the moment. Still, they had been making such a huge progress and she should have just left it at that. She took a deep breath. “Look, you have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who’s sorry for pushing you like that.” She paused. “I didn’t ask you to have sex with me, I just wanted to do something nice for you, make you feel good. If you’re not comfortable with that, then neither am I.”

Spike realized that she was trying to make him feel better, but her kind words had the exact opposite effect and only made him feel worse. Things had been just fine, hell, better than fine. Everything had been perfect, barely a moment ago, and then he had to ruin it by acting like a bloody ponce. He inhaled, shakily, desperate to make things right again. “It’s okay, luv, really. I’m fine. I was just…” He hesitated for a moment. “…a little surprised. But I’m over it now, I can…” Reaching for the button in his jeans, he nearly jumped when Buffy immediately put her hand on top of his to stop him. He gave her a confused look.

“Don’t!” Buffy took his hand and pulled it away from his pants, holding it gently in hers, a firm look on her face. “Don’t even think about doing something you’re not ready for.”

Feeling even more stupid by the minute, Spike lowered his eyes, not wanting to look at her. He couldn’t stand seeing the understanding and compassion in her eyes, certain that he didn’t deserve it. Once again, he had managed to let her down. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, his voice barely more than a whisper. “I don’t wanna disappoint you.”

“Spike, please…” Buffy forced back a sob, feeling horrible for making him feel that way. “You could never disappoint me. Don’t you see? What I wanted to do had nothing to do with me. It’s all about you, baby.” She gave him a pleading look, silently begging him to understand.

Instead of finding relief in Buffy’s words like he knew she had hoped, Spike jumped up from the couch and started pacing the room, torn between wanting to yell in frustration or weep from humiliation. He stopped in the middle of the room, finally looking at her. “You say you’re not disappointed now. What about a month from now, or a year from now?” He looked down at his hands, realizing that they were shaking. “I thought I was ready, but I’m not. Not sure I’ll ever be.”

Spike glanced at Buffy, seeing that her bottom lip was trembling, but other than that, she seemed calm. She got up from the couch as well, but made no attempt of immediately walking over to him like he had thought. Instead she just looked at him, a patient look on her face as if she just waited for him to go on. He rolled his eyes. “Feel like I’m going insane here.”

Buffy shook her head. “You’re not insane.” She took a hesitant step closer, desperately wanting to touch him. “You’re just…”

He interrupted her, letting out a bitter laugh; “A wreck? Broken? I know that, pet. He did that to me; he’s bloody ruined me.” He didn’t realize Buffy had moved until she was suddenly standing right in front of him, reaching out a trembling hand to wipe away a tear from his cheek; a tear he didn’t even realize had fallen. “He was supposed to be dead!” Spike clenched his fists, feeling a desperate need to punch something. “Why the bloody hell can’t he just be dead? Then maybe I could…” He stopped, not knowing exactly what he was trying to say. “Fuck!”

Buffy was quiet for a moment. Then she took his hand and led him back to the couch, certain that he would object or pull away, but he just let out a defeated sigh and followed. They sat down and he slumped back into the couch, closing his eyes. She bit her lip, thoughtfully. “What if he was?”

Spike’s eyes snapped open. “What?”

She tightened the grip on his hand, relieved when he squeezed back after only a moment’s hesitation. “What if he was dead? Would it really change anything?” He opened his mouth, but she went on before he could say anything; “Don’t misunderstand me. That man is a monster who doesn’t deserve to live and I would gladly kill him myself for everything he’s put you through. What I meant was, it wouldn’t change what happened. What he did to you. What you’re feeling now, it wouldn’t just go away.”

He shrugged. “Guess not. But I’m just so tired, Buffy. I’m tired of him ruining my life. I wish…” He sighed, not sure how to finish.

Hesitating a little, Buffy reached out her free hand and ran her fingers gently trough his hair, happy when he leaned into her touch. “Have you ever thought about talking to someone about all of this?”

He gave her a confused look, then let out a snort when he realized what she meant. “Like a bloody shrink? I don’t think so, luv. I may be going insane, but I’d like to think I’m not quite there yet.”

“You’re not.” Buffy smiled a little. “But sometimes it helps to talk about things that…”

“No.” Spike shook his head, giving her a firm look. “I’m talking to you, but that’s it. Don’t bring it up again.”

Buffy opened her mouth to object, but then decided against it. Instead she just nodded. “Okay. I won’t.” A part of her was well aware of the fact that Spike was in desperate need of talking to someone who had a lot more experience with these things than her, but she also knew that pushing him would only get the opposite effect. So she forced herself to let it go.

Now he looked at her, a thoughtful look on his face. “How do you do it?”

She frowned. “Do what?”

He gave her a sad smile. “Put up with me?” Seeing the look on her face, he hurried on; “I mean, look at us. We were supposed to have a good time tonight, hell, we were having a good time. And then I had to act like a git and ruin everything.” He sighed. “You make me happy, Buffy, more than I ever thought was possible. It would just be nice to be able to do the same for you some time. Make you happy.”

Buffy had tears in her eyes, but didn’t bother to blink them away. “Spike, don’t you know it by now? Every moment with you makes me happy.” She looked at him through the tears. “Can I give you a hug?”

Spike frowned at the fact that she felt the need to ask, but then realized that he had given out enough mixed signals tonight for her to be a little uncertain. So he just nodded. She let out a sigh of relief and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. As he returned the embrace, he made a decision. He had told Buffy that he wasn’t sure he would ever be ready for them to take their relationship to the next level, but suddenly he refused to accept that. He would be ready eventually, he had to, both for Buffy’s sake and for his own. Because he wasn’t going to let Ethan ruin his life anymore.

Of course, Ethan would still try; he sure as hell wouldn’t give up and leave him alone just because Spike wanted him to. In fact, now that the man knew where to find him, he could just show up any time. He had even said so himself. Spike let out a shuddering breath, suddenly feeling very cold. He knew what he had to do; he didn’t have much choice. He had to find Ethan before he could come back and pay him another visit, and confront him. And somehow, he would make sure that bastard would never be able to hurt him again.


TBC

Spike woke up from the nightmare with a silent gasp, causing Buffy to stir next to him. He immediately placed a soft, assuring kiss on her bare shoulder, holding his breath as he waited for a moment, relieved when she seemed to settle down again. Snuggling closer to him, she mumbled something inaudible and was soon sleeping again, peacefully. He waited a couple of more minutes to make sure she wouldn’t wake up, then quietly slipped out of the bed and out into the living room.

Three days had went by since the dinner with Joyce, and Spike and Buffy had spent every night – and most parts of the days – together, here at his apartment. Although none of them had used the phrase ‘moving in’ out loud, Buffy had brought more than one set of clothes the last time she went home, and her little bag of make-up had found a new home in his bathroom cabinet. He had also cleared out a couple of drawers in the bedroom for her to put her clothes in. And there was a small, pink stuffed pig sitting on his nightstand.

He had grumbled when she’d insisted on putting it there, of course, complained that she made his bedroom look poncy and girlish, but they both knew he wasn’t really serious. Hell, he’d let her paint the whole bloody room pink if it made her happy. Luckily for him, she seemed to be satisfied with just keeping her beloved pig next to the new bed, and he could live with that.

Since Drusilla had used all of his sleeping pills to commit suicide, he had yet to go to the drugstore and get more. The truth was, he didn’t really want to, realizing that he had become more addicted to those damn pills than he had been ready to admit. And more importantly; even though sleeping next to Buffy wouldn’t make the nightmares go away completely, Spike had still slept better the last couple of nights with her than he had in years. Maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t really need the pills anymore, as long as he had Buffy. Who – if he had anything to say about it – wouldn’t be going anywhere any time soon.

Now he took a deep breath, trying to shake off the disturbing feeling caused by the nightmare. He always felt disgusted and dirty when he woke up; after all these years still remembering the feeling of Ethan’s hands on him all too well. Buffy would have been able to make him feel better, though, and he knew it was most likely that had he just stayed in bed with her, he would already have gone back to sleep. But instead he had left Buffy asleep in the warm, safe bed. And for some reason, he couldn’t stop shaking.

The other night, it had seemed like a good idea to look Ethan up and confront him, but now, standing here alone in the dark, cold living room, Spike doubted that he would ever gather enough courage for such an act. At the same time, a part of him was furious at himself for being such a pathetic coward. He was not a little boy anymore; he shouldn’t still be afraid of that man. Sure, Ethan had made it perfectly clear that he would still be able to hurt him, but so what? Spike snorted. He just had to make sure to hurt Ethan first.

Of course, he had no idea where his step father was staying, and he didn’t look forward to the idea of confronting him in some hotel room, or out in public. He still wasn’t sure of what he was going to do with Ethan once he found him, but he did know that he didn’t want to risk getting caught, or anyone else seeing them. Because deep down, he suspected that after the confrontation, only one of them would be able to walk away. And he would do his best to make sure that it would be him. Maybe he should just wait until Ethan would return, something he knew would happen sooner or later. Only this time, he would be prepared for him.

“Spike?”

He jumped at the sound of Buffy’s voice and spun around, his heart beating loudly in his chest. She was standing in the doorway, a blanket draped around her shoulders and her hair hanging in messy curls. Spike thought she had never looked more beautiful. Of course, she could spend a week rolling around in the mud, and he would still feel the same way. Now he walked over to her. “Sorry, pet, didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t.” She gave him a concerned look. “Are you okay?”

“Sure.” He realized that he probably had answered a little too fast, eager to assure her that everything was just fine. But the look in her eyes told him that he wasn’t able to fool her. He let out a sigh. “Yes, I had a nightmare, but I’m fine. Really, luv, I’m used to them by now. Just go back to sleep, I’ll be there in a moment.”

Buffy didn’t move. She watched him for a moment, obviously trying to read his mind to see if he was lying. “It’s okay, I’ll just stay here and keep you company. I don’t think I can go back to sleep without you there anyway.”

Spike managed a small smile and pulled her into his arms, nuzzling her hair and inhaling her scent. Buffy wrapped her arms around him with a happy little sigh, and he tightened his grip around her. Buffy was truly amazing. He didn’t think it was possible to love her more, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe the love he felt for her would always keep growing. He honestly didn’t know what he would do without her, praying that he would never have to find out. Because when he was with her, his miserable life didn’t just seem less miserable. He actually felt lucky to be alive, something he couldn’t remember ever feeling before Buffy had entered his life.

Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling of not being able to truly give her what she deserved, to let her give him what she clearly so desperately wanted. And a part of him really wanted to give in, to lose himself completely in their relationship and let her love him with the true meaning of the word, finally letting go of the past for good and only look forward to what the future would hold. Unfortunately, he feared that he wouldn’t be able to do that until Ethan was the one who was gone for good. And that would never happen, unless…

Unless that bastard was dead.


TBC

The following two nights were calm, at least as far as Buffy was aware. She fell asleep in Spike’s arms, slept peacefully through the night and woke up in the same gentle, yet strong embrace the next morning. And Spike didn’t mention any more bad dreams, which Buffy took as a sign that he was finally starting to beat his inner demons. But the third night, she once again woke up alone.

Buffy put her hand on Spike’s side of the bed, frowning when she realized it was cold. She sat up and looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was almost three-thirty in the morning. Forcing herself to stay calm, she hurriedly jumped out of bed and left the room. The living room was completely dark, so she reached out for the light switch on the wall and turned the light on. Glancing around the room, she immediately noticed that Spike was nowhere to be seen, so she continued into the kitchen, after stopping briefly to check the bathroom.

The kitchen was just as dark and empty as the rest of the apartment, and now Buffy was starting to panic. Where was Spike? Why would he just take off in the middle of the night without a word? He had to know that she would get worried if she woke up and couldn’t find him. “He probably just stepped out for some fresh air; he’ll be back any minute,” she mumbled to herself. But for some reason, something about that just didn’t seem right. For one thing, surely Spike wouldn’t go out for a walk at this hour, especially not with Ethan still out there somewhere.

Quickly, she tried to recall the events earlier that day, wondering if she had somehow missed something, some reason why Spike would just leave like that. But she came up with nothing. The horrifying thought that Ethan might had returned without her noticing flashed through her mind, but she quickly dismissed it. If he had rang the doorbell, or even just knocked, she would have woken up. And there was no way Spike would open the door and let that monster in, especially not at this hour. But the question remained; where the hell was Spike?

Buffy picked up a glass from the dish stand and poured herself some water, drinking slowly as she tried to calm down. But she only got more worried by the minute. Things had been going so well lately, so none of this made any sense. The relationship between her and Spike was even more perfect than she would have dared to hope for a week ago. She felt like they could now talk about just anything, and they had come to trust each other completely. And every day, they seemed to grow a little bit closer. Things just couldn’t get better than this.

But was that really true? Buffy bit her lip, thoughtfully. Hadn’t Spike seemed a little more distracted than usual lately? The thing was, she had gotten used to his sudden mood swings by now, even though they didn’t come as often anymore. She had also learned that sometimes, pushing him would only get the opposite effect. So she had accepted the fact that sometimes, she would just have to wait until Spike would come to her and tell her what was bothering him. Because sooner or later, he usually did.

Except for this time, that was. Buffy walked over to the kitchen table and sat down, feeling a lump forming in her throat. Spike hadn’t exactly been pushing her away lately, she wouldn’t go that far, but now when she thought about it, she realized that he had started to put some distance between them again, whether he was aware of it or not. What if something was really bothering him, and she had just ignored the signs, not even realizing that something might be seriously wrong? Suddenly she felt like the worst girlfriend in the world.

The cellphone! Buffy jumped up from the chair, silently cursing herself for not thinking about that sooner. She ran into the living room where she had left her jacket, and pulled up the small cellphone from her pocket. Her heart was beating fast in her chest as she quickly dialed Spike’s number and waited for him to pick up. Then she froze in her tracks when she heard the shrill sound of Spike’s phone ringing in the bedroom. He hadn’t even brought the damn thing with him. Tears started to well up in her eyes and she threw her own phone away from her, not caring if it would break.

Now she was convinced that something had happened. But what could she do? Go out and look for him? Except she had no idea where to even begin. Call the police? Right! Like they could do anything, anyway. They would never start looking for a missing person until at least 24 hours had passed. She rolled her eyes, wondering who the hell had come up with that stupid rule in the first place. Anything could happen in the meantime.

Maybe she was overreacting? Spike was an adult; he was allowed to leave the apartment without telling her exactly where he was going. Right? But it just wasn’t like him. For a moment, she didn’t know what to think. Then she started to get angry. How could Spike do this to her? He was selfish, no question about it. He probably didn’t even care that she was sitting here, worrying about him. The moment he would come back, she would so kick his ass for scaring her like this!

But what if he hadn’t gone anywhere by his own will? What if Ethan…? No! That was just not possible. Spike was just fine, he had to be. But what if he wasn’t? What if he…? Buffy was so lost in her thoughts about what horrifying things could have happened to him, she screamed bloody murder and nearly jumped through the roof when the door suddenly opened and Spike walked in. He stopped when he saw Buffy and gave her a confused look. “Buffy? What are you doing up?”

“What am I…?” Buffy stared at him for a moment, eyes narrowing. Was he serious? “Where the hell have you been?! I’ve been worried sick!” She realized that she was yelling, but she was too upset to care.

For a moment, he looked almost ashamed. Then his somewhat guilty expression changed into one of insignificance. “I’m fine. You should go back to bed.”

“What?” Buffy blinked in confusion. “Spike, what’s the matter with you? I just told you I’ve been worried about you, don’t you care?!” A choked sob escaped her throat. “I woke up and you were just gone! I thought something had happened to you. You didn’t even bring your cellphone!” She started sobbing, quietly, from both relief and frustration.

Spike looked at her for a moment, then lowered his eyes. “I’m sorry, luv. I didn’t mean…” He hesitated, then walked over to her and pulled her into his arms. “Buffy, don’t cry. I’m a stupid git, all right? Didn’t think you’d even notice I was gone.” He pulled back a little so he could look at her. “Don’t be mad at me. I’m so sorry, pet. I love you.” He paused. “You really mad at me?”

He slurred a bit when he said the last part, something Buffy didn’t fail to notice. She leaned a little closer, sniffing his breath. “Have you been drinking?”

“What?” Spike looked genuinely surprised. “No! How can you say…?” He stopped, frowning. “Wait. Maybe just a little. But I’m not drunk or anything. Really. I’m just…” He swallowed. “Buffy…”

“No!” She pulled away from him and took a step back. “I’ve been scared to death, and you’ve been out drinking?!”

“Wasn’t like that.” Spike let out a sigh. “Look, I can explain…”

“Don’t bother.” Buffy glared at him. “I’m tired. I’m going back to bed.” Before he could object, she started towards the bedroom. Then she stopped. “Second thought, I think I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”

“Buffy, wait. Please.” Spike hurried after her and grabbed her arm. “Just listen to me. I don’t blame you for hating me, but…”

“I don’t hate you.” Buffy angrily wiped away her tears. “But I feel like you’re pushing me away again. Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.” Spike sighed again. “Look, just come back to bed with me. Please? I can’t sleep without you.” He gave her a pleading look.

Buffy hesitated, then shook her head. “I don’t think…”

“Fine.” He interrupted her, a miserable look on his face. “I understand.” He turned around and walked into the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind him.


TBC

Spike was lying on his back in the large bed, staring up at the ceiling. He was all alone; Buffy wasn’t there. It was his own fault, of course, he had driven her away. Just like he knew he would, sooner or later. There had been times when he had hoped, almost been able to convince himself that things were finally looking up for him. But deep down, a part of him had still doubted.

He realized that Buffy had every right to be upset with him for just taking off like that, but what was he supposed to have done? Wake her up and tell her that he had to get out of here, that he felt like he was losing his mind and just needed to run as far away as possible? Like that wouldn’t freak her out just the same. Of course, he hadn’t gotten very far, just to the nearest open bar, but at the time, he had felt an almost desperate need to get away. And now he was paying the price, just like he knew he would. Because Buffy wasn’t there.

Once, he had told Buffy that he didn’t want to sit around and wait for Ethan to show up again. But as the days went by, he soon realized that he didn’t know how to do anything else. Because the man would come back. The question was just when. And that was the problem; Spike had no idea, had no way of knowing. How could he possibly be prepared for a final confrontation if he didn’t know when it would take place? And of course, Ethan had to be aware of that as well. In fact, that had probably been his plan all along. Because he would want to catch Spike off guard.

And as the days passed, the more paranoid he got. He wished he had been able to track Ethan down himself, take him off guard instead of the other way around. Because not being able to do anything but wait for his tormentor to return was slowly driving him insane. A part of him wanted to talk to Buffy about it, but at the same time, he didn’t know how to begin. And more importantly; he was ashamed.

As far as Buffy was concerned, things were finally going in the right direction for him, for both of them. So how could he possibly tell her that he was barely hanging in there, that it was taking just about every little ounce of energy he had to stay on the right side of crazy? He didn’t want to push Buffy away again, he needed her, but he felt like his life was once again spinning out of control and there was nothing he could do about it. And now, here he was; alone. Buffy wasn’t there.

His nightmares had also changed over the last couple of nights. Sure, he still dreamed of Ethan, pinning him down on the floor and holding him in place while he fucked him, over and over again until he was convinced he would either pass out from the pain or simply go insane. But more and more often, he also dreamed of killing him. Lots of times, and in lots of different ways. The only problem was, no matter how many times Spike managed to kill him, Ethan would always come back.

Tonight, just before he had woken up in panic and just felt the urge to run as far away as possible, he’d had a gun. In reality, Spike had never held a gun in his hand in his entire life, but for some reason, he had known exactly how to use it. The moment Ethan pulled out of him with a pleased groan and he had felt the familiar, disgusting feeling of warm fluid dripping down his trembling legs, Spike had scrambled to his feet and pulled the trigger, shooting the bastard right between his legs so he would never be able to slam that fucking cock into him again.

He had expected there to be blood, lots of blood and screaming, but for some reason, Ethan never fell down dead on the floor when Spike killed him. Instead he always remained standing there for a while, glaring at him accusingly before finally disappearing into a cloud of dust, like he wasn’t even human. And right then and there, for a short, wonderful moment, Spike was finally free. Until the nightmare would start over and he had to find a new way to kill that monster, all over again. But even if he managed to kill him and got to experience that brief moment of peace, it was still just a dream. Because in real life, Ethan would still be out there when he woke up.

Spike supposed he was being selfish; Buffy had to be suffering as well. He realized how worried she must have been when she had woken up and he hadn’t been there. Sure, he had tried to apologize, but what good would that do? He had needed to go, so he had left. Because it was always about him and his needs. Now he remembered asking Buffy how she could put up with him. She said he made her happy. But she sure hadn’t been happy tonight. She said she loved him. But was that really enough? Were they just fooling themselves into thinking that their love could ever be enough?

Sitting up with a sigh, Spike glanced towards the closed door, leading out to the living room. Was Buffy asleep? Was she still angry with him? Was she even still here? Maybe she had decided that she’d had enough, and left. And in that case, would she come back? Or had she finally realized that maybe she would be better off without him after all? And if she had, how would he possibly be able to survive without her? Squeezing his eyes shut to prevent the tears from falling, Spike tried to listen for any sign indicating that Buffy was still in the apartment. But all he got was silence.

A part of him desperately wanted to go out there and check, but at the same time, he was terrified of finding out that he was right and she would be gone. Letting out a shuddering breath, he forced himself to lay back down. And what if Buffy was still there, then what would he do? Tell her that he needed her, plead with her to forgive him and beg her to come back to bed with him so she could chase the monsters away? How more pathetic could he get? Sure, Buffy had been so sweet and understanding so far, but he couldn’t help but wish that he could be stronger, for her sake if not for his own. Because in the long run, no girl could possibly want to settle with a guy who had to depend on her to make it through the night.

If she hadn’t left yet, maybe he should be the one to end things and walk away from her, for her own good. Right! He would have laughed at that thought, had he not been so utterly miserable. There was no way he could ever be that strong, even if he had wanted to. For years, he had been convinced that he was unable to love at all. Then he met Buffy and learned that he had been wrong. But now it turned out that he was Love’s Bitch; he had no control over this relationship. All he could do was enjoy it while it lasted and wait for Buffy to realize that he was in fact not the one for her after all. She was the one with the power here, not him. And it was just a matter of time before she would use that power to break his heart. Because sooner or later, no matter how hard he tried not to, he would eventually drive her to that. Against his will, he would manage to push her away for good, if he hadn’t already.


TBC

Despite what Buffy had said about being tired, she couldn’t go back to sleep. She was tossing and turning on the couch, unable to find a comfortable position. Again and again, she glanced towards the closed door, leading into the bedroom. It would be so easy, just slipping through that door and into the bed with Spike. Yet she didn’t move. Not because she didn’t want to, but because she was afraid.

She loved Spike so much, and being this close to him and yet so far away was practically killing her. It was so obvious that something was seriously bothering him, even though she hadn’t realized it right away, and she had no idea what to do about it. The way he was once again pulling away from her, hurt her more than she had ever thought possible. Why did Spike have to be so stubborn? Why couldn’t he just talk to her? Didn’t he realize by now how much she loved him and that she would do just about anything for him?

A part of her suspected that Spike was still – after everything they had been through – half convinced that it was just a matter of time before she would leave him. Could that be the reason why he so desperately tried to push her away again, because it would be easier to lose her that way? She didn’t want to think that was the case, but deep down, she knew it was more than just possible. But she didn’t know how to handle it. It was like no matter what she did, Spike would still never truly believe that her love for him was a gift and not a burden.

She had been so convinced that their love would conquer all, but what if it just wasn’t enough? What if Spike really was damaged beyond help and they would eventually drift apart for real? No, she refused to believe that. Their love was enough, it had to be. Because she didn’t think she would be able to survive without him. And that was what scared her most of all; how strong her feelings for him had become. She knew he needed her, but she really needed him as well. And she had a disturbing feeling that Spike didn’t realize just how much.

Spike had all these horrible demons from the past to deal with, she was well aware of that and would do anything to help him, but was she really such a terrible person for wanting him to pay a little attention to her feelings as well? Okay, maybe that was unfair; she knew that Spike cared about her and her feelings, deeply. But the problem was; he just didn’t seem to realize that watching him suffer was hurting her as well. She also suspected that he was trying to protect her, but what if she didn’t want to be protected? What if all she wanted was to be able to protect him?

Now she sat up on the couch, debating with herself whether or not she should just say ‘hell with it’ and go to him. She knew they needed to talk, but right now, she just wanted to be with him, hearing him say that everything would be all right and telling him the same thing. Because she knew that Spike had to be just as confused and afraid as she was right now, if not more. They needed to be together, not apart. And one of them had to take the first step, might as well be her. She got up and took a hesitant step towards the bedroom.


*~*~*

Refusing to even try to relax and allow sleep to claim him, Spike got up and started pacing the room. A horrifying thought just occurred to him; what if Ethan had showed up while he was gone? Sure, it was the middle of the night, but Spike didn’t think for a moment that it would stop Ethan, should he decide to pay him a visit. Then Buffy would have been all alone, completely left at the mercy of the sadistic bastard. Mercy? Spike snorted, although it came out more like a sob. The man didn’t even know the meaning of that word, never had.

He stopped dead in his tracks. If Buffy had gotten hurt, if Ethan would have so much as touched her in any way as a result of him taking off and leaving her all by herself and unprotected, Spike would never be able to forgive himself. He closed his eyes, desperately trying to block out the images of Buffy’s beaten and bloody body; a horrifying sight that had become all too familiar to him over the last couple of week’s never-ending nightmares.

Suddenly furious at himself for putting the woman he loved at risk without even realizing it, Spike slammed his clenched fist hard into the wall with a roar. He took out all his anger and frustration on the wall, over and over again until he, completely exhausted, slid down to the floor with a pathetic whimper, resting his head on his knees and failed to hold back a choked sob.

A sudden gasp startled him and made him pull back abruptly, turning his tear-stained face towards the door. Buffy was standing in the doorway, now staring at him, her face a mixture of shock and horror. “What did you do?” Her voice was barely more than a whisper, and Spike noticed that her bottom lip was trembling as she stared at something behind him. “My God, Spike, what have you done?!”

Frowning at her reaction, Spike opened his mouth to ask her what she meant. But instead he glanced over his shoulder, and noticed all the blood on the wall. Then he became aware of the throbbing pain for the first time. Looking down at his hands, his eyes widened when he noticed the condition they were in. His knuckles were almost completely raw, red and swollen like someone had beaten them repeatedly with a sledgehammer. The blood was trickling between his fingers and dripping down on the floor.

For a moment, he just stared at his hands, unable to look away. Then he burst out laughing, only to stop abruptly as he realized that it came out a bit too hysterical for his liking. Finally he looked up at Buffy again, realizing that she was moving towards him, as slowly as had she been approaching a startled child or animal. Then she stopped in the middle of the room, blinked a couple of times as if she had just woken up from a dream, or possibly snapped out of a state of shock.

“Spike…” She raised her voice as she went on, and now it was her turn to sound almost hysterical. “Stay there! Just don’t… Don’t move, I’ll be right back!” And she was gone, before he could ask her why she was suddenly yelling at him.

He turned his attention back to his hands, staring at them almost like hypnotized. Suddenly he felt a hand on his arm and nearly jumped, before he realized that it was just Buffy, holding a small bowl of water and a first aid kit. He frowned, wondering how she had been able to get the stuff and return so quickly. Then he cocked his head to the side. “Thought you left,” he mumbled.

“Why would I do that?!” She bit her lip then, as if the words had come out a bit more harsh than she had intended. Inhaling shakily, she gently took one of his hands and started wiping the blood off with a soft, wet towel. Then she opened a bottle and poured some of its contents on a small ball of cotton. She rolled her eyes as he pulled his hand away from her before she had even touched him. “Don’t be a baby, you’ll get infected.” Spike looked at her for a moment, then sighed and allowed her to take his hand again. He winced in pain as she started dabbing his knuckles, but he didn’t say anything.

As Buffy finished cleaning his hands, Spike lowered his eyes, suddenly not wanting to look at her. A part of him was beyond relieved that she was in fact still here, another part wished that he could just crawl under some rock and stay there for the rest of his life. It just wasn’t fair, how she always ended up taking care of him after he screwed up, one way or another. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry, but found that the huge lump in his throat made it impossible for him to get even a single word out. Instead he just sat there, quietly, stubbornly keeping his eyes on the floor.

“Spike?” Buffy finally broke the silence, speaking softly. “Spike, look at me.” He just shook his head, and she let out a sigh. “You’re scaring the hell out of me tonight, you know that?”

Spike swallowed. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, still not looking up.

Buffy was quiet for a moment. Then she nodded. “I know.”

He swallowed again, harder. “I love you.”

She closed her eyes for a moment. “I know that, too.” When she opened her eyes again, she realized that he was finally looking at her. The fear and vulnerability in his eyes almost broke her heart. She reached out her hand towards his face, gently cupping his cheek. “Spike, it’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay. I promise.”



TBC

Buffy let out a shuddering breath and snuggled closer to Spike, gently running her fingers up and down his arm. “Don’t do that again.”

He shifted a little on the bed so he could look at her. “I won’t. Said I was sorry.”

“Yeah.” She was quiet for a moment, not sure of what else to say. They had gotten up from the floor and moved over to the bed, although Buffy was certain that she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. Not that it mattered now, though, all she could care about was the fact that she was finally back where she belonged; in Spike’s bed, wrapped up in his arms.

Spike hadn’t said much since they had returned to the bed. Now he just put his head back down at her shoulder, tightening his grip around her. He was clinging to her almost desperately, as if he feared that she would suddenly just disappear should he let go of her, even for a moment. Finally, Buffy couldn’t take it anymore. “Spike, please, just talk to me.”

He didn’t answer at first, in fact, he was silent for so long that Buffy started to think that he wouldn’t. Finally he spoke, quietly; “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know.” She swallowed. “Anything.”

He nodded, letting out the breath he had been holding. “I’m sorry.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Except that.” She felt him tense up slightly, but he remained silent. She sighed. “You’re stuck with me, you know.” He pulled back a little, giving her a questioning look, and she went on; “Spike, I’m not going anywhere. You can push me away all you like, and I will still be here.” She paused. “I don’t know who you’re trying to protect; me or yourself, but I don’t really care. You should know that by now.”

Spike just stared at her for a moment, and she wished she had a way of knowing what was going through his mind. Then he lowered his eyes. “Don’t mean to push you away.”

“Maybe not. But you do.” Buffy desperately tried to keep the tears from falling. She failed. “Spike, please tell me what to do.”

He looked up again, his eyes widening when he noticed her tears. “Buffy, what…?”

She went on, ignoring his interruption; “Tell me what to do to help you, to make things better. Because I don’t know how, and if you won’t talk to me… I know something’s bothering you, don’t even try to deny it!” She let out a frustrated sob. “God, Spike, it’s killing me to see you like this!”

Spike sat up abruptly, a horrified expression on his face. “Buffy, I never meant…”

“I know!” Buffy sat up as well, putting both her hands on his shoulders. “I know you never meant to hurt me. But don’t you see? I’m hurting when you’re hurting. Because I love you.” His bottom lip was trembling now, and she gently stroke his cheek. “Why did you just leave like that?”

Spike shrugged, struggling to keep his emotions under control. “Had to get out of here.”

“Why?” He tried to pull away but she kept her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “Did you have another nightmare? Was it about Ethan again?”

“Of course it’s about Ethan!” Spike let out a bitter laugh. “It’s always about him. He’s ruined my whole bloody life and he’s still out there.” He was quiet for a moment. “I don’t know when he’ll be back, but he will.”

“Spike…” Buffy reached for his hand, giving him a firm look. “I won’t let him hurt you again.”

Spike was touched by her words, but let out a tired sigh, frustrated that she would think that he just feared for himself. “What if I can’t stop him from hurting you?”

Buffy looked at him for a moment, understanding finally dawning on her. “Oh.” She swallowed. “Spike, please, don’t worry about me. He’s not gonna hurt me. He’s not gonna hurt either one of us.”

“Yeah, I hear you say it, but…” Spike hesitated. “Buffy, you don’t know him. Hell, he came all the way from London to find me, he wouldn’t just give up now.”

“Are you sure?” Seeing that he was about to interrupt, Buffy raised her hand to stop him. “Just hear me out. What I meant was; what if you were not the one he was trying to find? Maybe he really came here looking for…”

“My mum.” Spike got a thoughtful expression on his face, then shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. Even if it was true, he’s here now and he’s not going anywhere.” He rolled his eyes, a bitter note in his voice as he went on; “I mean, why would he settle with just breaking my mother when he could get both of us?”

“Don’t say that.” Buffy gave him a pleading look. “Spike, your mom was sick. You know that, right? She could never stand up to him. But you’re not like her.” She gave his hand a small squeeze. “Spike, you’re so much stronger than that. You’re not gonna let him break you. I believe in you.”

He shook his head in denial. “I’m not strong, Buffy. Don’t you see? I’m already a bloody wreck, and he hasn’t even showed up yet. He knows exactly what he’s doing.” Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again. “You know what he used to do?” She shook her head. “Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and I could hear him, just outside my room. Always just standing there, waiting. He was breathing hard, never bothering to be discrete. Because that would ruin the fun; he wanted me to know he was there.”

“Spike…” Buffy gently stroke the back of his hand with her thumb. “You don’t have to…”

Spike went on like he hadn’t even heard her. “I forced myself to stay awake for hours, listening for some sign that he was still there. Finally I was half convinced that he had to be gone, because he would have to be crazy to just stand out there for so long, right? But the thing was, I could never know for sure.” He inhaled, shakily. “And the moment I dared to relax, thinking that he wouldn’t come in that night, that’s when he always opened the door. Just like he knew.”

Buffy felt like she was going to be sick. “Oh, sweetie…”

“Don’t you see?” Spike ran a trembling hand over her hair. “He’s doing it again, Buffy. He’s out there, waiting. And the moment I relax and tell myself that he might have given up…” He stopped then, not able to go on. Instead he just looked at her, silently pleading with her to understand.

Buffy pulled him into her arms, holding him close as his body started to shake with hard, uncontrollable sobs. She was crying now, too, because she could feel his fear and pain, rolling off him in waves. “I’m here, baby, I’m right here. It’s gonna be okay,” she mumbled, over and over again, rocking him gently in her arms. She didn’t know how long they just sat there until he finally started to calm down, nor did she care. Instead she just shifted slightly on the bed and slid down under the covers, pulling him with her.

Spike didn’t object, just curled up on his side next to her and buried his face against her neck, his arms still around her in a tight grip. He closed his eyes as she started stroking his hair. “Can we rest now?” he whispered, his voice hoarse from crying.

“Yeah.” Buffy sniffled a little, quickly wiping away her tears. “We can rest. You can relax now; I’ll protect you.” She almost expected him to snort, insisting that if anyone needed protection, it would be her. But he didn’t say anything more and a moment later, he had fallen asleep in her arms.

Buffy on the other hand was unable to go back to sleep, countless thoughts kept rushing through her mind. She didn’t expect Ethan to show up tonight, but if he would, she would gladly kill him with her bare hands. It all just seemed so hopeless; she feared that Spike was right after all and that it was just a matter of time before that monster would return. It was simply horrible how Ethan could do so much damage and just get away with it. She knew that Spike would never go to the police, and even if she would, she had no way of proving anything. If only there was something she could do…

Suddenly her eyes snapped open as an idea had just occurred to her. Maybe there was something she could do after all. She wouldn’t be able to pull it off all by herself, though, she needed help. Luckily, she knew just the right person for that. Maybe it was crazy, probably was, but still. Maybe, just maybe, it was so crazy that it might actually work.


TBC

As Buffy’s eyes snapped open and she blinked a couple of times to get them to adjust to the darkness in the room, she knew she would have woken up the moment Spike started to stir on the bed next to her, even if he hadn’t cried out softly in his sleep. He mumbled something and she realized that he was shaking, violently. His fist clenched and unclenched a couple of times, like he was trying to hold on to something, or possibly someone, and he let out a whimper. “Buffy…” he mumbled, almost pleadingly, as if begging her to save him from the demon she knew was still haunting him in his dreams.

“Right here, baby,” she whispered, brushing her lips softly against his temple and caught his trembling hand in hers. Buffy could feel him tense up for a moment, still trapped in his nightmare, then the tremblings ceased and he became still. She slid her free arm around him, rubbing his back, soothingly. He relaxed immediately and snuggled closer to her, never waking up.



”You know the rules, boy.” Ethan had him trapped in the corner and William closed his eyes as he waited for the inevitable, knowing there was no escape. There never was. “You get to speak only when I say so,” Ethan now hissed, and William realized that he was holding his breath, silently willing the pain to come so it would be over. Not really over, of course, just for the moment. Because even if he survived this, there would always be the next day, and the day after that…

“You know I have no choice but to punish you, and yet you keep breaking the rules.” Ethan grabbed him by the arm and yanked him to his feet, only to push him, hard, into the wall. He felt a wave of dizziness come over him as he hit his head, and slid back down to the floor without making a sound. Never showing any sign of pain; William had learned that the hard way.

William looked up, briefly, only to lower his eyes again as he noticed his mother, standing quietly in the doorway with an unreadable expression on her pale face. He forced back a sob then, because he knew she hadn’t come to rescue him. She never would. She was simply here to watch.

He didn’t object, nor did he try to fight back as Ethan dropped to his knees next to him, using one strong hand to hold him down and quickly unbuttoning his pants with the other. Then William heard him pull down the zipper; a sound he had come to be all too familiar with over the years.

“Your turn, boy.” Ethan was panting now, his voice thick with arousal. “Pull down your trousers. Don’t make me do it for you.”

Forcing himself to focus on nothing but shutting off every single feeling and emotion, William obeyed, his hands still shaking. He didn’t try to block out the pain, knowing he would never be able to do that, anyway. Besides, it took just about every little ounce of energy he had left, just to try and stay sane.

“William…” His eyes snapped open as the voice spoke again, softly repeating his name. “I’m right here, William. Just hold on.”

Shaking his head in denial, he squeezed his eyes shut again. “Can’t.”

“Yes, you can.” The familiar voice had taken an almost stubborn note, and he frowned. This was not right. She never called him William. “Look at me, William. I’m right here.”

He opened his eyes, slowly, and found himself staring at the golden angel in front of him. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

Smiling a little, she cupped his cheek. “I’ll always be here.” He let out a shuddering breath as she ran her fingers through his hair. She went on; “It’s over. He can’t hurt you now.” He opened his mouth to object, but she raised her hand to stop him, looking around the small bedroom. “Spike, you don’t belong here. Why do you keep coming back to this place?”

“I don’t.” He swallowed, hard. “Never left.”

She was quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Then she started to get up and he reached out for her in panic, terrified that she would leave. “Don’t go!”

“What are you so afraid of?” She was back on the floor, next to him. “I told you; I’m not going anywhere.”

“Yeah.” He reached for her again, needing the comfort of her touch. But she was out of his reach and he was afraid to move, fearing that – despite her words – she would suddenly just disappear. “Buffy…” he whispered, a pleading note in his voice.

“Right here, baby.” She brushed her lips against his temple, taking his hand in hers.

He let out a sigh of relief and chuckled, horrified when he realized that it came out more like a sob. “Am I going insane?” Then he went on, before she could answer; “Bloody feels like it. Are you really here?”

“You know I am.” She smiled, softly.

Suddenly they were standing in the doorway and Spike realized that he was watching a ten-year-old version of himself, huddling in the corner of the room. He flinched as the large man in front of him pulled back his fist, about to strike. Not wanting to watch but unable to look away, he reached blindly for Buffy who was standing right behind him. “He’s hurting him.”

“He’s hurting you.” Buffy sighed. “Spike, it’s not your fault. There was nothing you could do.”

“I know!” He responded quickly, not sure he really believed it but wanting to convince her. Or maybe he was trying to convince himself. “I know,” he repeated, sounding a little more confident this time. And suddenly he realized that he actually meant it. “Bastard raped me.” He glanced at Buffy.

“Yeah.” She bit her lip and Spike thought he saw tears in her eyes, but she quickly blinked them away.

“Wasn’t my fault,” he mumbled, wanting to hear the words come out of his own mouth. He liked the sound of that. It felt good.

“Never was.” Buffy had a serious expression on her face, and he nodded. She slid her arm around his waist. “Let’s go.”

Spike was about to ask her where, but then realized that it didn’t matter. He would follow her to the end of the world if she asked him to. “Right. After you.” She smiled at him and he found himself smiling back. As he followed Buffy out through the door, he cast a final look over his shoulder. Ethan was gone.


TBC

”Hey, Buffy, come on in!” After taking a step back to allow her friend to enter, Willow closed the door behind her. “You just missed Xander; he left about ten minutes ago.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Good for me, then.” It was still early in the morning and she wanted nothing more than to just go back to Spike’s place and spend the rest of the day with him. Unfortunately, they both had to work today. Well, at least Spike would be going to work. Buffy had called in sick as soon as Spike had left the apartment. There was something else she needed to do today, and she didn’t want Spike to find out.

“Buffy…” Willow now gave her a sad smile. “I know you and Xander don’t exactly get along these days, but try to remember that he was one of your best friends a few months ago.”

“I know, Willow. And that’s why it hurts so much.” Buffy sighed. “Xander’s supposed to be my friend, like you say, but he refuses to accept my boyfriend.” Willow opened her mouth, but Buffy went on; “I’ve never said anything mean about the girls he’s dated over the years. Which I could have, I might add, since they’ve all been major psychos. You remember that girl with blue hair and the piercing thingy in her…?” Willow nodded, blushing slightly. “What was her name? Bethany? I’m telling you, Will, she made my cousin, Faith, look like a saint.”

“I guess.” Willow smiled a little. “I wish Xander would just find a nice girl already.”

Buffy snorted. “Yeah, me too. Maybe then he’d stop acting like such a jerk.”

Willow’s smile disappeared and she was quiet for a moment. “Buffy, Xander misses you. He told me how he wished things could just go back to the way they were before.” Seeing that Buffy was about to interrupt, she hurried on; “He knows he messed up. I know he’s really sorry. He just wants you to forgive him.”

“Forgiveness is something you have to earn, Will.” Buffy could feel a headache coming up. “I can’t help him with that. Now, can we please just change the subject?”

The red-head looked like she was about to object, then seemed to decide against it and nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

“Thanks.” Buffy let out a relieved sigh. “Look, Will, about this other thing… I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’re willing to help me.”

Suddenly, Willow didn’t seem to want to meet her eyes. “Yeah, about that…”

Stopping in her tracks, Buffy gave her friend a worried look. “Willow, you said you’d do this when I called you earlier. I can’t do it without you.”

“I know what I said, I just…” Willow hesitated. “Buffy, what you’re asking me to do… I’d be breaking the law here. You’re asking me to commit a crime, and you won’t even tell me what it’s about.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.” Buffy sighed. “Look, I promise I’ll explain everything, just not right now.” She paused. “And it’s really not that big a deal. I mean, it’s not like I’m asking you to dig up any top classified secrets or anything. All I need is an address.”

“Yeah, but still…” Willow let out a nervous laugh. “Hacking into any non public computer system is still illegal, Buffy. Even if it’s just a record of guests staying at a motel. I’d be seeking out personal information, like birth dates and stuff. People have a right to their privacy. Otherwise, that information would be available to everyone.”

“Trust me, Willow.” Buffy laughed, bitterly. “The man I’m trying to find? He has no such rights.”

Willow didn’t look totally convinced. “But…”

Buffy interrupted her. “Will, this is important. Can you do this, or not?”

“Well, sure.” Willow looked almost offended. “I can do it. But it doesn’t feel right.” She sighed. “All right, fine. But I’m going to need a name.” She walked over to her computer and sat down.

“Ethan Rayne. Rayne with a ‘y’ and an ‘e’ at the end.” Buffy let out the breath she had been holding. “Thank you, Will.”

“Don’t thank me just yet.” Willow quickly typed something and then looked up, a serious look on her face. “There are no guaranties, Buffy. I mean, I’ll give it a try, but I may not be able to find this guy. You’re not even sure he’s really staying at a motel. He might be renting an apartment instead, and if that’s the case, I have no way of finding out where.”

Buffy nodded. “I understand. I’m sure he’s staying at a motel, though. He’d probably want to be able to leave town quickly.”

“Even so.” Willow turned her attention back to the screen. “He could’ve signed into the motel, not using his real name. I can’t exactly do any miracles.”

“I know that!” Buffy took a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down. The fact that Ethan could have used a different name had never even crossed her mind and she silently prayed that Willow was wrong. “Just give it your best shot, Will. I have total faith in you.”

“You know what, Buffy?” Letting out a tired sigh, Willow then typed some more. “Sometimes I really wish you didn’t.” Buffy had no idea how to respond to that, so she remained silent. Willow glanced at her again. “I just wish you would tell me what’s going on. What have you gotten yourself involved in?

“Please, Will, do us both a favor and don’t ask.” Buffy gave her a pleading look.

“Buffy, you’re my best friend.” Willow’s face was a mixture of sadness and frustration. “I’m just worried about you.” A pause. “This guy… Is he dangerous? Is there any chance he might hurt you?”

Buffy thought about it for a moment. “Yes, and no. Yes – he’s dangerous, and no – I won’t give him a chance to hurt me. And I’m gonna make sure he’ll never be able to hurt anyone else again, either.” Willow opened her mouth, but Buffy beat her to it; “Speaking of which, that’s why I need that other thing I told you about. Do you have it?”

Willow nodded, gesturing towards a small bag on the table. “It’s in the bag. Do you know how to use it?”

Buffy stepped over to the table and picked up the small object inside the bag. “Can’t be that hard, right? I’ll figure it out. Thanks for letting me borrow it.”

Shrugging, Willow turned back to the computer. “No big. Not like I use it anymore.”

“Still…” Buffy walked over to Willow and put her hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Thanks for everything.” She was quiet for a moment. “I’m doing the right thing here, Willow.”

Willow gave her a small smile. “I’m sure you are. I just don’t want you to get into trouble.” A pause. “You don’t have to answer this, but has it got anything to do with Spike?”

“No.” Buffy frowned. “Well, in a way. But he doesn’t know I’m doing this. I fact…” She gave Willow a serious look. “He can’t find out about this, Will. I mean it. He wouldn’t understand.”

For a moment, Willow just looked at her. Then she nodded. “Okay.” For a couple of minutes, neither of them said anything. Suddenly Willow sat up straight on the chair. “I think I got something.”

“Really?” Buffy was almost afraid to get her hopes up. “Did you find out where he’s staying?”

“Yup.” Willow nodded. “Ethan Rayne is staying in room 21, at the Sunnydale Motor Inn.


TBC

Buffy had never been at the Sunnydale Motor Inn before, but she knew exactly where it was and she had no trouble finding the place. But she had to admit, though, now when she was standing outside the door leading into room 21, a part of her wondered what the hell she was doing. She had a plan, of course, and she fully intended to stick to it. But still, she couldn’t help but wish there was another way to deal with the situation.

The problem was, she couldn’t think of any other solution. As long as Ethan was out there, Spike would never be able to truly move on with his life. And no matter how much Buffy wished she could just kill that monster for everything he had put her boyfriend through over the years, she knew that was not an option. Which meant; there was only one thing left to do. She had to make sure Ethan would finally get to pay for his crimes and end up behind bars, where he belonged.

Even if Ethan wouldn’t have threatened to hurt her, Buffy suspected that Spike would never go to the police and tell them what his stepfather had done to him, mainly for two reasons. One – even though he had to know deep down that none of it had been his fault, a part of him would always be ashamed of what happened. And two – Spike was probably painfully aware of the fact that there was no way of proving anything after all these years; there would just be his words against Ethan’s.

The mere thought that Ethan would never be punished for what he had done made Buffy feel sick. How could the world be so twisted that a man capable of raping and beating a little boy, countless times over the years, was able to get away with it? Well, Ethan wouldn’t get away with it much longer, she would make sure of that. She just had to pray that Spike wouldn’t find out what she was planning, which was very unlikely since they were both supposed to be at work today.

She hated the idea of keeping things from Spike, especially something as serious as this, but she felt like she didn’t have much of a choice. He simply wouldn’t understand; in fact, even if she would have tried to explain her plan to him, Buffy knew he would most likely refuse to even hear her out. Not that she could really blame him, of course; she knew that this plan of hers was crazy, not to mention dangerous. And she also knew that Spike would rather die than let her put herself in any kind of danger.

Tonight, though, when it was over, she would tell Spike everything. But right now, she needed to do this. Because it was just killing her inside; not being able to do anything but watch while the man she loved more than her own life was suffering, and she didn’t think she could take it much longer. By now she could feel Spike’s pain as if it was her own, and the only way she could think of to make it stop was to get rid of Ethan, once and for all. Because, just like Spike had said, the man wouldn’t just give up and leave by himself.

So, that’s why she was now standing here, right outside the bastard’s motel room. She knew she wouldn’t be able to go to the police and prove to them what Ethan had done, any more than Spike could. Unless she could find a way to get some proof. And the only thing that would possibly, hopefully, be accepted as proof after all this time was a confession. Of course, Ethan may be evil but she didn’t think he was stupid; he would never willingly admit anything to the police. So, she needed him to confess to her, without being aware of it. Or, to be more accurate; not being aware of the fact that she was planning to get it all on tape.

The small tape recorder she had borrowed from Willow fitted perfectly in her pocket. The red-head had used it in some of her classes during her first year in College before deciding that she simply didn’t need it. She had later told Buffy that, even though using such an item was allowed, it had felt too much like cheating. Buffy had just smiled and nodded, wishing she’d had one of those things back in high school. But now she was planning on using it for a completely different purpose. With any luck, Ethan would never know what hit him until it was too late.

After taking a deep breath, Buffy finally knocked on the door. It was now or never, she thought, desperately forcing herself to relax. It wouldn’t do to let Ethan see how nervous she really was; then he might suspect that she was up to something. Maybe he wasn’t even home. Although a part of her kind of wished that was the case, she really just wanted to get the whole thing over with. Despite the fact that she had waited for it to happen, she still jumped when the door finally swung open.


*~*~*

Spike hung up the phone with a frown. He had called the Double Meat Palace to see if Buffy wanted to meet up with him for lunch, but the woman who picked up had told him that she had called in sick a couple of hours ago. Now he tried to recall if she had mentioned something about not feeling well before he left this morning, but realized that he would have remembered a thing like that. He quickly dialed the number to Buffy’s cellphone, but immediately got the voice mail.

After giving it a moment’s thought, he decided to go back to the apartment to see if Buffy was still there. It was probably nothing serious, but he wanted to check up on her, nevertheless. Maybe she was just at home sleeping, which would explain why she hadn’t answered his phone call. If he went to see her now, Buffy would probably just say that he worried for nothing, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t really explain it, but he had a bad feeling about the whole thing. And he knew it wouldn’t go away until he got to talk to her, to make sure she was all right.

After telling his boss that he was taking an early lunch break, Spike hurriedly left the gas station. Just about to get on his motorcycle, which was parked right outside, he made the mistake of looking up and spotted a familiar face across the street, realizing with a sigh that it was Xander. The dark-haired man’s eyes widened as he obviously recognized Spike as well and he stopped for a moment, clearly debating with himself whether or not he should come over and say something.

Spike rolled his eyes; he wasn’t in a mood, nor did he have time to deal with the whelp right now. As Xander finally made up his mind and started towards him, Spike was tempted to simply hop on the bike and take off, but then reluctantly decided against it, mostly for Buffy’s sake. Buffy had made it very clear that she would choose him over her friends in a heartbeat if she had to, but Spike also knew that she still, deep inside, wished that they would all just get along.

And after everything she had done for him, Spike supposed that he owed it to her to at least try. That was the only reason he stayed instead of leaving, waiting for Xander to come over to him. He didn’t have to like it, but he could play nice if he had to. For Buffy, he would do just about anything.


TBC

”Well, well, look who it is!” Ethan leaned against the door, grinning. “How lovely to see you again… Buffy, was it? And, if I may ask, to what do I owe the pleasure of this surprise visit?”

Buffy was a little taken aback by his reaction, but refused to let it show. “You don’t seem that surprised to see me.”

“Of course not.” Ethan chuckled. “However…” He brought his hand up to his heart in a gesture of mock sympathy. “I’m terribly sorry to disappoint you. Please…” Taking a step back, he gestured for her to come in. The way he looked at her made Buffy’s skin crawl. For some reason, he reminded her of a starved wolf watching his prey, just waiting for the right moment to attack

Hesitating for a moment, Buffy silently listed all the reasons why entering Ethan’s motel room would be a terrible, terrible idea. But she couldn’t help but feel like she didn’t have a choice. She had come here for a reason, after all, and she didn’t think she would be able to get any confession out of this man by remaining here in the doorway. Still, it didn’t change the fact that a part of her wanted nothing more than to just turn around and run, preferably as far away as possible.

Of course, she knew she couldn’t do that, not when she had come this far. She needed to do this, had to, and she would, even if the mere idea of spending even a single minute in the same room as this horrible man made her stomach turn. Because if she could only get him to admit to her what he had done to Spike, then she would have proof enough to send him to jail, hopefully for a very long time. And that would make it all worth it. So, she took a deep breath, and stepped through the door.


*~*~*

Stopping a few feet away, Xander nodded his head in greeting. “Spike.”

“Xander.” Spike nodded as well, but didn’t say anything more. He may have decided to play nice, but that didn’t mean he had to start any conversation with the whelp. Besides, he would have to search his mind, desperately, for something to say other than ‘sod off’, or ‘I violently dislike you’. So, he remained silent.

“So…” Xander let out a nervous laugh, obviously trying to come up with something more to say. “How are things with you and Buffy? Still together?” Eyes narrowing, Spike opened his mouth but Xander beat him to it, raising his hands in an apologetic gesture. “Ok, I admit; that sounded a lot nicer in my head. Guess it’s really none of my business.”

“What do you want, Harris?” Spike was starting to loose his patience and didn’t bother to hide it. He just wanted to go home and check on Buffy.

“Nothing really, I just…” Xander hesitated for a moment, then let out a defeated sigh. “All right, look, I’m just gonna come right out and say it. I’ve been a jerk.” Spike raised a brow in surprise; that was probably the last thing he had expected. Xander went on; “Buffy’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and I screwed up. Big time.”

Looking at him for a moment, Spike let out a snort. “Yeah, you won’t hear any objections from me. Your point?”

“My point is…” Xander paused, clearly choosing his next words carefully; “No matter what you think, I care about Buffy, very much. The last thing I want is to see her get hurt.”

Spike stared at him in disbelief. “You’re the one hurting her, you git!” Xander opened his mouth to object, but Spike raised his hand to stop him. “Shut your gob and listen.” He sighed. “Not that I owe you any explanation, but here goes. I love her. I’d rather die than hurt her. She knows that, and if you were her friend, like you say, you’d listen to her and respect her decision.”

Xander opened his mouth, then closed it again. He was quiet for a moment. Finally he nodded, lowering his eyes. “You’re right.”

Spike frowned, having not expected that. However, he quickly snapped out of the shock and nodded as well. “Bloody right I am.”

“What I’m trying to say is…” Xander kept his eyes on the ground for a moment, then raised his head. “I realize I owe you both an apology, might as well start with you.” He sighed. “It would mean a lot to me if you’d accept it, but I can’t really blame you if you won’t. As for Buffy…” Suddenly he seemed to find something very interesting next to his feet. “Willow said I should stay and talk to her this morning. I wanted to, but I…” He shrugged and laughed a little, clearly embarrassed. “What can I say? I wimped out.”

Raising a brow, Spike was just about to respond with a sarcastic remark, when the other man’s words started to sink in. He frowned. “What do you mean, this morning?”


*~*~*

“I figured one of you would show up eventually.” Ethan walked over to an armchair – the only one in the room – and sat down. A half empty bottle of whiskey was standing on the table next to the chair. He picked it up and took a big swig, right out of the bottle. Seeing the disgusted look on her face, he raised a brow. “Would the lady care for a drink?

Buffy just snorted, not even dignifying his question with an answer. “Suit yourself.” Ethan slumped back in the chair. “But I’m afraid it will be your loss; this liquor is most tasty.” He took another swig before putting the bottle back down. Then he went on; “I must say, I’m not surprised it’s you who decided to seek me out.”

She frowned. “And why’s that?”

“Well…” Ethan chuckled. “William just doesn’t have what it takes to stand up to himself and face his demons. It’s not in him, never was.” A pause. “It’s quite sad, really.”

Buffy was fuming. How dared Ethan sit there and talk about Spike that way, after what he had done? Not that she had expected him to show any kind of remorse; she wasn’t that stupid, but the man actually seemed to take pride in the fact that he – by his cruel actions – had managed to break another human being, both physically and mentally. And it made her feel sick.

She glared at him. “Aren’t you gonna ask why I’m here?”

“And why would I do that?” Ethan snickered. “I’m quite positive you’re planning on telling me anyway. But all right; if it makes you happy, I’ll play along.” He paused before asking, dramatically; “Tell me, Miss Buffy, what on earth brings you to this humble parlor of mine?”

Now she was furious. It had become painfully obvious that Ethan didn’t feel the least bit threatened by her appearance, like she had expected him to be. In fact, if anything, he seemed to be almost amused by the whole thing, although she couldn’t figure out why. A part of her wondered – and not for the first time – if coming here had been a mistake after all. She had hoped to be able to take him off guard, but it seemed like no matter what she did, he would still have the upper hand. And she didn’t like it one bit.

But then she realized that it might not be so bad after all. Ethan was clearly convinced that she was no threat to him in any way. Maybe she could use that and turn the situation to her advantage. She needed a confession, and judging by the confident look on his face, this was a man who wasn’t afraid to brag. Maybe this would be even easier than she had thought; she just had to get him to keep talking. Because the tape was already rolling. And she wouldn’t leave until she had what she’d come for.


TBC

”Buffy…?! Oh, it’s you.” Immediately seeing the hurt look on Xander’s face, Willow felt bad and hurried to apologize. “I’m sorry, Xander, it’s not that I’m not happy to see you. I just thought it was Buffy.”

“Yeah, I got that.” Xander looked over her shoulder and into the room. “I take it she didn’t show up, then.”

“No, she did.” Willow took a step back and gestured for him to come in. “Xander, I’m really worried about her. I think she might be in trouble.”

“Speaking of trouble…” Xander walked over to the couch and sat down. “I ran into Spike.”

“Xander…” Willow gave him a look of disapproval. “Please don’t tell me you got into a fight with Spike. Buffy will never…”

“Hey!” Xander interrupted her, looking offended. “There was no fight. Were you here this morning, or was I just talking to myself? What did we agree on?”

Willow smiled a little. “The ‘Xander-is-a-poophead’ thing?”

“Your words, but yeah.” Xander nodded. “Anyway, I told you how I wanted to make things right with Buffy. You really think I’d jump to the first opportunity to get into a fight?” He paused, grimacing. “In which I’d most likely get my ass kicked, anyway?”

The red-head gave him a sympathetic look, nodding in agreement. “You’re right, you probably would.” Seeing the annoyed look on Xander’s face, she quickly pretended to zip her lips closed.

"Anyway..." Ignoring Willow’s input, Xander went on; “Turns out Buffy called in sick this morning. However, she told Spike she was going to work.”

“Oh.” Willow slumped down in the chair next to the computer. “Was he mad?”

“Not so much mad as worried.” Xander glanced at Willow. “You think Buffy’s cheating on him?”

“What? No!” Willow’s eyes widened. “Of course not. It’s nothing like that.”

“You sure?” She nodded. “Damn!” Xander looked disappointed for a moment, then frowned. “I mean, good. Okay, I guess it’s gonna take some time getting used to the idea of not hating his guts. So?”

Willow got an innocent look on her face. “What?”

“You obviously know what’s going on. So, spill!” Xander leaned back against the large, purple pillows on the couch, looking at her expectantly.

“I can’t.” Willow suddenly looked miserable. “I promised Buffy I wouldn’t tell anyone.” Xander just kept looking at her. “All right, fine! But I’m only telling you ‘cause I’m really worried and don’t know what else to do.” He nodded in understanding. “Okay, Buffy called me last night, saying she needed me to do her a favor. She wanted me to find this guy, you know, find out where he was staying.” Xander opened his mouth, but Willow beat him to it; “And no, she’s not having an affair with him. His name’s Ethan. Ethan Rayne.”

“Rayne? Sounds familiar.” Xander seemed to be searching his mind for a moment, then shrugged. “Never mind. Go on.”

“Then she said she wanted to borrow my tape recorder, the one I used in class.” Willow paused. “She went on about evidence and confessions, but refused to give me any details. But I got the feeling Spike knew this guy. She just didn’t want him to find out she was going to see him for some reason.”

Xander looked confused. “If she’s not having an affair with him, who is he?”

Willow let out a sigh. “I googled him. Didn’t find out much. Just an address, in London. And a link to a short article from the local newspaper.”

“Isn’t Spike from London?” Xander frowned. “What did the article say?”

“Nothing, really, just some stuff about the guy’s wife.” Willow shrugged. “Looks like she passed away recently. ’Late wife’, blah, blah, blah, ’Drusilla’, blah, blah, ’unable to be reached for a comment…’ She shrugged again. ”Kinda weird.”

“Drusilla Rayne?” Xander snapped his fingers. “That’s why the name sounded so familiar. It was on the news last week. Apparently she killed herself.”

“Really?” Willow was quiet for a moment. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this, Xander. I think this guy’s bad news. What if he hurts her? And what kind of evidence could Buffy possibly be trying to find? The whole thing just seems… dangerous. I never should’ve let her go.”

“Sounds to me like Buffy wouldn’t have taken no for an answer.” Xander got a thoughtful look on his face. “You know, Will? It’s too bad you can’t hack into the police records. Maybe this guy’s listed. Then we’d know what we’re dealing with here.” Willow mumbled something, causing him to frown. “What was that?”

“I said; who says I can’t?” Willow suddenly seemed embarrassed. “I just happened to stumble onto them when I accidentally decrypted the city council's security system.” Seeing the bewildered look on Xander’s face, she added, a defensive note in her voice; “It was a complete accident and I didn’t even look! Much.”

“Right.” Xander shook his head, as if to clear it. “Let’s take a look, then.”

Willow hesitated. “Just for the record; it was not my idea and I was totally against it.” She started typing.

Xander jumped up from the couch and went to stand behind her, eagerly looking over her shoulder. “Wow, Willow, you’re actually getting into the police records! This is so cool!” Then he cleared his throat, correcting himself; “In a very bad, and totally wrong kinda way.” He got a hopeful look on his face. “Find anything yet?”

“No. Looks like he’s clean.” Willow sighed, both disappointed and relieved. Then her eyes narrowed. “Wait. Here’s something. Oh my God.”

“What?!” Xander was practically jumping up and down.


*~*~*

“Well?” Ethan leaned back in the chair, an expectant look on his face. “Enlighten me. Why are you here?”

Buffy was starting to feel really uncomfortable by the way he kept staring at her, but was determined not to look away, refusing to show any sign of fear. And there’s nothing to be afraid of, she told herself, firmly. First of all; it’s the middle of the day. And we’re in a motel, for God’s sake! There has to be hundreds of people staying here. All I have to do is scream, and someone should barge in to see what’s going on.

Although, a part of her wasn’t totally convinced. Not that she had given it much thought at the time, but hadn’t the parking lot outside been almost empty? And since the Inn was located by the highway, the chances of someone just passing by outside weren’t that big. Still, she had no doubts she could pull the whole thing off. After all, it wasn’t like she was in any immediate danger.

Now she glared at the man in front of her. “Why do you think I’m here? I know what you’re up to, and it’s not gonna work.”

“Is that right?” Ethan’s face was a mixture of amusement and curiosity. “And just what exactly are you hoping to achieve by showing up here?”

“You shouldn’t have come here.” Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. “Stay away from Spike, or I’ll go to the police. I mean it.”

“Really?” Ethan looked more interested than afraid, much to Buffy’s irritation. “And tell them what, exactly?”

“Just drop the act, will you?” Buffy rolled her eyes. “I know everything.”

“I see.” Ethan nodded, slowly. ”You’re a brave girl, Buffy, yet very stupid.” He paused. “In fact, you remind me of someone.”

She raised a brow. “Really? Please, enlighten me!”

Ethan chuckled. “Very well. Her name was Laura. A remarkable woman, with an even more remarkable daughter. Little Emily. The girl was absolutely lovely. And more importantly; she was obedient. Barely eight years old, and never once spilling our little secrets to a single soul.”

Swallowing, Buffy waited for him to go on. She didn’t dare open her mouth to say anything, afraid she would throw up. This conversation was taking a direction she never in her wildest dreams would have imagined.

“I never threatened her,” Ethan went on. “You see, Buffy, the mind of a child is truly amazing. You just have to know which buttons to push. As far as Emily was concerned, we never did anything wrong. Unfortunately…” He paused, sighing. “…her mother wasn’t as easily convinced. She started asking all these questions.”

Buffy stared at him. She supposed she shouldn’t be surprised by this revelation, but she couldn’t help herself. The man spoke so calmly, he might as well had been talking about the weather. Suddenly, she just wanted to cry. So, Spike wasn’t the only one. God knew how many innocent children this monster had destroyed over the years.

Ethan’s smile faltered, and he sounded almost sad as he went on; “Such a horrible accident. May the poor woman rest in peace.”

Now she couldn’t help but gasp, slowly taking a step back. “What did you do?” For the first time, Buffy was afraid. She had thought this man was simply evil, but now she was starting to fear that he was actually insane. “Did you kill her?”

His eyes narrowed. “I assure you, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Then he got up from the chair, picking up the now almost empty bottle. “Are you sure I can’t interest you in a drink. I have more.” She just kept staring at him, and he shrugged. “More for me, then. Excuse me for a moment.” He walked past Buffy, then stopped, just behind her. “You know, I’m surprised William allowed you to come here. I got the impression he was quite protective of you. Well, I suppose I was wrong.”

She glared at him, and the words were out of her mouth before she got the chance to think. “He doesn’t even know I’m here!”

“Oh, really?” Ethan sounded pleased. “Then I guess he won’t come here looking for you. Which means I have plenty of time to pay him a visit.” Before Buffy’s mind had registered the meaning of the words, Ethan raised the hand holding the bottle, and everything went dark.


TBC

”Buffy?” Closing the door behind him, Spike reached for the light switch on the wall and turned it on, looking around the small room. No response. Not that he had really expected one, but the disappointment still stung. The apartment was dark, silent and seemingly empty, just like he had suspected. The door to the bedroom was open and the light was off in there as well, just like when he had left this morning, and now he was starting to get annoyed. What the bloody hell was Buffy playing at?

According to Xander Harris, she had made some sort of plans with Willow, but she sure as hell hadn’t mentioned any of that to him. Not that she had to, of course; Buffy was entitled to do whatever she wanted. But still, she should have known that not being able to find her would cause him to worry, especially since she clearly wasn’t where she had said she would be today; at work. Now he knew without doubt how Buffy must have felt when she woke up and couldn’t find him.

For a brief moment, he couldn’t help but wonder if this was some kind of pay-back; if Buffy for some reason had decided to get back at him for taking off without a word last night. But he quickly dismissed that thought. She had been pissed at the time, no question about it, but he was pretty sure Buffy wouldn’t do something like that. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but they had already moved past all of that.

For the first time since they had gotten together, he didn’t constantly feel the need to keep hiding things about his miserable past from Buffy; everything was finally out in the open, much to his relief. And she still loved him, something that would probably never completely cease to amaze him. However, the question remained. What was going on? And where the hell was Buffy?

Suddenly a shrill sound caused him to snap out of his thoughts and he immediately pulled out his cellphone from the pocket of his duster, hoping it would be Buffy. He frowned when he didn’t recognize the number on the caller ID. “Yeah?”

“Spike?” He vaguely recognized the female voice on the other end, but couldn’t quite place it. Not until she spoke again. “Hi, it’s Willow. I, um…”

Spike was just about to ask how she had gotten his number, then had to roll his eyes at himself when he remembered giving the number to Xander, not even half an hour ago, demanding that he would call him if he heard anything from Buffy. Not bothering to be polite, he interrupted her. “Buffy with you?”

“No.” Willow sounded very nervous as she quickly went on, clearly expecting him to interrupt her again. “Look, we don’t know each other and I never asked to get involved in any of this, not that I really know what this is. Not to mention that Buffy will probably kill me for telling you, but…”

There was a noise coming from the bedroom and Spike stopped listening to the red-head’s ramblings. He dropped the phone and hurried towards the other room. “Buffy?” Then he froze in his tracks as realization was finally starting to hit him. He didn’t know how, maybe it was just pure instinct, but for some reason, he just knew that Buffy would not be the one waiting for him in there. Slowly, he entered the room and turned on the light. And he was not the least bit surprised when he found Ethan sitting on the large bed.


*~*~*

Buffy was slowly starting to regain consciousness, blinking a couple of times in an attempt to get her vision to clear. At first, she had no idea where she was or what had just happened. She tried to look around, slowly moving her head from side to side, then had to grimace as a wave of nausea hit her. Trying to sit up, she immediately had to give that up as everything started spinning.

Closing her eyes, she desperately tried to remember anything that could possibly help her figure out where she was, and more importantly; why her head was aching like she had just been ran over by a truck. Wait a minute… Her eyes widened as she recalled going to Ethan’s place. They had been talking, well, she supposed he had been the one doing most of the talking, and then… Well, then she had woken up here. Suddenly she realized that he must have hit her, causing her to pass out. And now she was alone. Ethan was gone.

Looking around again, she finally realized that she was lying on the floor in a small bathroom. She was so cold, her entire body shaking, and she couldn’t help but wonder how long she had been lying there. Glancing at her watch, she let out a gasp as she suddenly remembered Ethan’s last words to her. “Then I guess he won’t come here looking for you. Which means I have plenty of time to pay him a visit.”

Headache and nausea completely forgotten, Buffy wildly searched the floor for her purse, desperate to find her cellphone so she could call Spike and warn him. She had turned the phone off before going to Willow’s place so she wouldn’t have to come up with some kind of explanation in case Spike would call. Having already gone behind his back, the last thing she had wanted was to find herself in a situation where she would have to deliberately lie to him as well.

She realized now how stupid she had been; she never should have come here. But, of course, what was done was done and now it was obviously too late for having regrets. If she could only get in touch with Spike, maybe there would still be enough time for her to limit the damage. Unfortunately, her little black purse was nowhere to be seen. She must have dropped it somewhere on the floor in the other room when Ethan had hit her.

A horrifying thought occurred to her and she immediately reached into her pocket, letting out a sigh of relief when she realized that the small tape recorder was still there. Thank God she hadn’t dropped that as well! Scrambling to her feet, she tried to turn the door knob so she could get out and look for her phone. Nothing happened. Frowning, she tried again, only to start panicking when the door still wouldn’t open. And the key hole was empty.

Sobbing in defeat, she finally had to face the facts; she wouldn’t be going anywhere any time soon, Ethan had made sure of that. The door was stuck. The bastard had brought her in here while she was still unconscious, and then locked from outside. Furiously slamming her small fists against the door a couple of times, Buffy stopped as she realized that it was pointless. Ethan was probably on his way to Spike’s place right now, if he wasn’t already there, and she had absolutely no way of warning him. Letting out a miserable whimper, she slid down to the floor, burying her face in her hands.


TBC

”Hello again, William.”

As Ethan got up from the bed, Spike found himself taking a step back – an act of pure reflex – and hated himself for it. He hated the fact that – even though years had passed – a part of him would always become half paralyzed with fear at the sight of the hated man now standing in front of him. A part of him wanted nothing more than to just keep backing out of the room, and run. A part of him was terrified.

But another part of him was furious. Ethan had no right to do this, no right to just show up like this whenever he wanted, obviously intending to keep controlling his life. For a brief moment, Spike couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if he hadn’t kept silent for all these years; if he had told someone, anyone, about what was really going on at his house. Would things have turned out differently? Would anyone have even believed him?

Then he quickly dismissed that thought, deciding that it didn’t matter. Because he had kept silent, had allowed Ethan to keep so much power over him, even when he had long since left, not only the house, but the bleeding country. I’m pathetic, Spike thought, bitterly. I know it, and he knows it. No wonder he won’t leave me alone. I’ve sure as hell made it real easy for him over the years.

Suddenly he realized that minutes must have passed since he had found Ethan in his apartment, in his fucking bedroom, and he had yet to say a word. No, instead he was just standing there, waiting for his stepfather to make his next move. Just like he had always done in the past; huddling in the corner and waiting for his punishment without even daring to raise his voice, let alone a hand, to defend himself. Snapping out of it, Spike forced himself to take a step forward.

“You should’ve stayed in London,” he now stated, and was pleased to notice that he was able to look Ethan right in the eyes, and still sound perfectly calm. However, he found it very hard not to avert his eyes as the man started laughing.

“I’m very flattered,” Ethan admitted, “that you think I’d come all the way to the states just for you. I hate to break it to you, but you were never my first priority.”

He raised a brow in surprise. So, Buffy had been right, then. It had really been about Drusilla the whole time. Glancing at the bed, Spike shuddered at the memory of his mother’s cold, lifeless body, her glossy, unseeing eyes, the small, empty bottle of sleeping pills on the floor. The corpse of his mother, reduced to nothing more than an object for him to find and deal with the best he could. And he was fully convinced that she had never once stopped to think about what such a thing would do to him.

Spike supposed he had been right all along; his mother had never really cared about him at all. He had always suspected it, of course, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. He knew that Drusilla hadn’t been unable to love; she had declared her love for Ethan countless times over the years in front of him. She had just never been able to love him. What kind of mother couldn’t love her own child? Spike wished that he could hate her, just like he hated Ethan, but unfortunately, it wasn’t that simple. He didn’t love her, but he wasn’t sure he could really hate her, either. Because, no matter what she had done, Drusilla was the only mother he would ever have.

Now Ethan’s voice snapped him out of his depressing thoughts, just like the man had been reading his mind. “It was never just about her, either. However, she was the main reason I chose to come to Sunnydale of all places. Let’s just say I had my own reasons for wanting to leave the country for a while.”

Spike refused to take the bait and ask why. He had a feeling that whatever it was, it wouldn’t be of the good. Not to mention the fact that he was sick and tired of always playing by Ethan’s rules. Clenching his fists, he took another step forward, his eyes never leaving Ethan’s. “You really don’t have a bloody conscience at all, do you? Guess what? I’ve had enough. Time for you to pay for what you’ve done.”

Before he had even finished the sentence, and way before Ethan’s mind had registered what was about to happen, Spike pulled back his fist and punched Ethan in the face, hard enough to cause the older man to stumble back in surprise. Having not been prepared for the blow, Ethan’s hand went up to grasp at his bleeding nose and he stared at Spike, the shock evident on his face.


*~*~*

Buffy didn’t know how long she had been sitting there on the cold bathroom floor, but she felt like years had passed since she had left Spike’s apartment that morning. Wiping her eyes, she knew there was little she could do right now but pray that he was still at work and wouldn’t be home if – no, not if, when – Ethan showed up. This was all her fault, how could she be so damn stupid?! Coming here had clearly been a mistake; Ethan was out there somewhere with his evil plans and here she was, locked up in the bathroom with a huge bump – probably by the size of Canada – at the back of her head.

And the worst part was, she hadn’t even managed to get that confession out of him before he had attacked her. She still had the tape recorder in her pocket, but what good would that do now? It had all been for nothing; she wouldn’t be able to help Spike after all. And he would probably hate her now, for going behind his back like this. Not that she could really blame him; she didn’t like herself very much right now, either. She had been so sure this plan of hers would work, but it had turned out to be a complete disaster.

She should never have come here by herself – what the hell had she been thinking? Of course, she knew Ethan was dangerous, but she had been naïve enough to believe that he wouldn’t actually hurt her. So, she had decided to play hero. Buffy let out a miserable snort. Some hero she had turned out to be. But she had just, so desperately, wanted to help. Instead she had managed to make things even worse.

While she was sitting there, beating herself up and feeling worse by the minute, she suddenly thought she heard something and her head snapped up. Was that the sound of someone knocking on the door out in the corridor? Jumping up from the floor, she was quiet for a moment, listening. Maybe she had just been imagining things. Or, maybe someone was really out there. If she would call out as loud as she could, was it possible that whoever it was – assuming there was someone out there – would be able to hear her?

Only one way to find out, she thought. Now she heard the knocking again, only louder this time. She started pounding her fists on the door again, all the while yelling at the top of her lungs. A moment later, she almost wept in relief at the sound of someone crashing through the other door. Someone had just entered the motel room.


TBC

For a brief moment, Ethan seemed to be in a state of shock. However, he quickly recovered. It was obvious that the older man had a hard time trying to control his anger, but somehow managed to remain calm, something that made Spike feel even more uncomfortable than if he would have lost it. He had almost preferred an outburst. That, he could handle. But the only reaction he got now was that eerie smile, slowly spreading on Ethan’s face. A smile that never reached his eyes.

Spike took a hesitant step back, lowering his eyes to the floor. Who the hell was he kidding? He would never win this battle; he was just not strong enough. Physically, he may be just as strong as Ethan by now, if not stronger. After all, he had spent the last couple of years beating people up, possibly in a subconscious attempt to mentally prepare himself for the final, inevitable confrontation with his stepfather, a confrontation he had, deep down, always known would come.

But now he couldn’t help but wonder if it had all been for nothing. Dreaming of justice and revenge was one thing, but suddenly he realized that physical strength didn’t mean much if Ethan had the ability to crush whatever barely existent ounce of self esteem he had managed to regain after years and years of abuse, in just a blink of an eye. Or, in this case, with a cruel smile.

Spike didn’t want to admit it, but he suspected that all Ethan would have to do was keep looking at him, calmly, with those cold eyes, the expression on his face clearly saying that this was a man who knew exactly what he was doing, a man who had all the time in the world, and no matter what, he would get what he wanted in the end. Because they were playing by Ethan’s rules; always had, and always would. And there was nothing Spike could do about it. It was just the way it was.

In one of his countless nightmares, he’d had a gun. Now Spike feared that in reality, Ethan would have been able to take the gun away from him without a single word. Because the moment his tormentor was standing in front of him, it was just a matter of time before he would once again be reduced to a terrified child, whose only coherent thought would be to hide. Hide, and hope to survive.

He had punched Ethan without thinking, an act of pure impulse, and it had felt good. Hell, better than good, it had felt bloody wonderful. But he had expected the man to do something, maybe try to get in a punch in return. Spike realized that he wanted a fight. Not just wanted, he needed it. Then the adrenaline rush would kick in and make it possible for him to stand up to Ethan, to defend himself.

Instead Spike just stood there, frozen. And, of course, Ethan knew what he was doing. To him, it was all a game. A game he intended to win. And he didn’t for a second doubt that he would. Because this man didn’t just know the rules, he invented them. Spike suddenly felt sick. He wanted to run. But at the same time, he was so bloody tired of running.

“That’s it?” Ethan shook his head in mock surprise. “After everything I have done, here’s your big chance to get back at me. And what do I get? One pathetic punch in the face. I have to say, William, I’m deeply disappointed in you. But then on the other hand, you have always been a disappointment, both to me and your mother.”

Spike stared at him in disbelief. “You want me to hit you?” Ethan just laughed, and he clenched his fists. Still a game, always a game. Only difference was, to Ethan, the prize was simply amusement. To him, it was about survival. And the bonus prize would be for him to be able to keep his sanity in the process.

Ethan got a thoughtful look on his face, clearly aware of Spike’s inner struggles. “You want to hurt me. Hurt me the way I have hurt you. But you are afraid. Because if you hurt me, you might enjoy it. And wouldn’t that make you a little bit like me?” He paused before answering his own question. “Sure it will! You are terrified that you will end up getting off on the pain you could cause others. Just like me.” His eyes were burning like fire, but Spike found himself unable to look away. Ethan chuckled. “I can read you like a book, William. And it’s tragic.”

“Why are you doing this?! Why can’t you just get the fuck out of here and leave me alone?!” Spike felt the last of his self control fly out the window. His fear had, at least for the moment, subsided for fury and desperation.

“Why?” Ethan didn’t look the least bit taken aback by Spike’s outburst. He seemed to seriously consider the question for a moment. “Is that rhetorical, or do you actually expect an answer?”

Spike closed his eyes, feeling the tears burning behind his eyelids. How could he possibly have thought that he would ever be able to face this sadistic bastard and walk away like a winner? No matter what he did, Ethan would always have the upper hand. Taking a deep breath, he struggled to get his emotions under control. Much to his horror, he failed. “What the fuck’s wrong with you?! You’ve already ruined my whole bloody life! Isn’t that enough?” He was unable to stop the tears of fury and frustration from streaming down his face.

“Please…” Ethan suddenly looked annoyed. “Stop being so dramatic.” He sighed. “You really want to know the reason behind my actions? Why I chose to hurt you in the first place?” A pause. “You know what? Why don’t you just guess, and I’ll tell you if you are close?” He let out an amused giggle, clearly pleased with his idea.

Glaring at him, Spike angrily wiped away his tears. He had never wanted to hurt Ethan so much as in that very moment. He wanted to kill the monster standing in front of him with his bare hands, and he knew he would enjoy it. And that was the only thing holding him back.

Seeing Spike’s reaction, Ethan rolled his eyes. “You never had any sense of humor.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Spike stared at him. “You hit me and raped me for more than ten bloody years! I was just a kid!” A choked sob escaped his throat. “Why?!”

“Oh, for the love of God, would you stop blubbering?!” Ethan got an exasperated look on his face. “Why do you think?” He let out another sigh, clearly bored. “Because I could, that’s why. Because I knew you were too weak and pathetic to tell anyone, and because I knew I could break you and get away with it. And it was so easy.” He was quiet for a moment. “Your mother on the other hand… She was much more difficult to deal with. But in the end, I got her. I made her see who was in charge.”

“You made her kill herself.” Spike swallowed. ”You might as well have killed her yourself, you know that, right?”

“Of course.” Ethan smirked. “But why would I want to get my hands dirty when she did such a good job all by herself?” Spike opened his mouth, but Ethan beat him to it; “You know, give me some time to work on Buffy, and I’m sure it could get really interesting. Not too much of a challenge, though. She might be feisty, I’ll give you that, but she’s obviously not very smart. One could almost say she’s too stupid for her own good.”

Spike stopped dead in his tracks, suddenly feeling like he couldn’t breathe. “What the bloody hell are you talking about?”

“Oh, you didn’t know?” Ethan pretended to be surprised. “Your girlfriend stopped by earlier, deciding to pay me a little visit. I still don’t know what her intentions were, but I guess I’ll find out later.” He let out a cold laugh. “Not like she’s going anywhere, if you know what I mean…”

“What did you do?!” Spike grabbed Ethan by the collar of his jacket, shoving him up, hard, against the wall. “What the fuck did you do to Buffy?!”


TBC

Buffy could hear the sound of running footsteps coming from the other room, stopping just outside the door to the bathroom, and she held her breath, for a moment wondering if Ethan had returned. In the next moment, the door swung open and she found herself looking at the last person she had ever expected would be the one to come to her rescue. "Xander?!" She stared at him in bewilderment. What in the world was he doing here? She felt like her head was spinning. "Thank God! I can't believe... How did you know I was here?!"

"Oh, I'd say, just a wild guess." Xander glanced over his shoulder with a frown. "The chair stuck under the doorknob was a pretty good clue, though. Buffy, what the hell's going on?! What happened? Are you okay?" His eyes widened as he noticed the dried blood in her hair. "Oh God, you're hurt!"

"I'm fine." Shoving Xander to the side, Buffy rushed past him, eager to finally get out of the bathroom. "I don't have time to explain, I gotta find Spike!"

"Whoa!" Xander grabbed her arm to stop her, staring at her in disbelief. "You're not going anywhere by yourself; I'm taking you straight to the hospital. You can call Spike from there."

"You don't understand!" Buffy pulled away from him, tears welling up in her eyes. "Ethan's gonna hurt him, I gotta get there before it's too late! I passed out, I don't know for how long, he could already..." A choked sob escaped from her throat and she was unable to finish.

"All right, I'm calling the cops." Xander reached into his pocket for his cellphone.

"Good. Tell them to hurry." Buffy found her purse on the floor and quickly picked it up. Then she headed for the door.

"Wait!" Xander ran after her. "You can't just..."

Buffy spun around, glaring at him furiously. "Try to stop me, and I'll kick your ass!"

"Okay, okay!" Xander quickly took a step back, raising his hands in a defensive manner. "Not gonna stop you. But we'll get there quicker if we take my car. It's right outside. You can call the cops on the way."

She was a little surprised by his offer, but nodded. There was no time to stay and argue; Spike needed her now. "All right. Let's go!"


*~*~*

Realizing too late that he had just made a big mistake, Ethan tried to pull away, but Spike pushed him back against the wall to prevent him from escaping. Ethan's eyes narrowed; suddenly he was not as amused as he had been only a few minutes ago, when he had been convinced he had the upper hand. Then he snickered, clearly trying to find a way to turn the situation back to his advantage. He cocked his head to the side. "My, my... Haven't we completely forgotten our manners? What on earth has gotten into you, William? I think someone need to teach you a lesson; make sure you know your place." He shook his head, sadly. "I'm afraid such violent behavior requires a proper punishment..."

"Shut the fuck up!" Spike let out a snort, for the first time seeing the man in front of him for what he really was; nothing but a pathetic coward. Having heard those words countless times over the years, he suddenly realized that they had absolutely no effect on him at the moment. Or maybe he was just too furious to care anymore. "I asked you a question, you son of a bitch! Where's Buffy? What the hell did you do to her?!"

"Oh, we had a most enjoyable conversation." Ethan smirked. "Let's just say we shared a very special moment. Such a lovely girl..."

Spike swallowed, suddenly feeling sick. "If you have so much as touched her, in any way..."

"You will do what?" Ethan chuckled. "Oh, I see. Tell me, William, what frightens you the most? The thought of me fucking your little girlfriend until she bleed, or the possibility of her actually enjoying it? I'm telling you, the way she..." He cried out in surprise and pain as Spike's fist once again connected with his face.

"I swear to God, I'll fucking kill you!" Before Ethan got a chance to recover from the second blow, Spike hit him again, causing the older man to stumble back, struggling to keep his balance. Spike saw his chance and quickly kicked Ethan in the stomach, hard enough to make him drop to his knees. Gasping for air, he did a weak attempt of getting back on his feet, but Spike pushed him back down. "You stay down, you hear?! You don't get to move unless I bloody say so!"

Ethan stared at him in disbelief, looking more than a little dazed, but still more shocked than afraid. "You dare...!"

"Did I say you could speak?!" Spike kicked the fallen man again, this time right in the face. There was a sickening, cracking sound, and Spike wasn't sure if he had hit the man's nose, or his teeth. Truth to be told, he didn't really care. All he cared about at the moment was to cause as much damage as possible.

Coughing violently, Ethan spat out a mouthful of blood. "Kill me, and you'll never find out where Buffy is," he slurred.

Freezing in his tracks, Spike realized that he was right. He had no idea where Buffy was, had no way of helping her if he couldn't get the other man to speak. Needless to say, Ethan wouldn't be able to tell him anything if he was dead. And even if Spike would settle for just beating him unconscious, he would lose precious time waiting for the abusive bastard to wake up again. Right now, time was a luxury he couldn't spare.

Seeing his hesitation, Ethan took the opportunity to quickly reach into his pocket and pull out a small object before Spike got the chance to react. "Maybe I was lying all along," he hissed. "Maybe I have no idea where your precious Buffy is. But tell me something, William..." His hand tightened around the small knife, his eyes as cold as ice. "Did you really believe I would come here unprepared?"

Spike's eyes widened as Ethan's hand lashed out at him, ready to attack, and he acted instinctively, before his mind had fully registered what was happening. He threw himself at Ethan in a desperate attempt to get him to drop the knife, and that was when the struggle for life or death began. A struggle that felt like it lasted for hours, when in reality it was a matter of mere seconds. Suddenly, Spike became aware of two things. Sharp, blinding pain. And the faint sound of sirens approaching on the street outside the house. The rest of the world was silent. Then, in the next moment, there was blood everywhere.


TBC

”Spike, where are you?! Spike!” Barging through the door to Spike’s apartment, Buffy’s eyes darted around the room in panic. She had tried calling him on his cellphone repeatedly in the car without being able to reach him, and now she was almost hysterical. Having ignored Xander’s objections, she had jumped out of the car before it had come to a complete halt, one single thought running through her mind. She just had to get to Spike. Running towards the bedroom, she stopped in the doorway and froze in her tracks.

Spike had backed up against the wall, eyes squeezed shut and breathing hard. Suddenly he looked up, as if he had sensed her presence, blinking in confusion. His face was pale and he seemed more than a little dazed. Letting out a sob of relief, Buffy flew through the door and threw herself in his arms. “Oh thank God, I thought...” Feeling him tense up, she immediately pulled back a little. That was when she noticed Ethan on the floor at the other side of the room, lying with his face down in a small puddle of blood. She let out a gasp. “Is he...?”

His eyes slowly following hers, Spike cocked his head to the side as he stared at the fallen man for a moment. Then he glanced down at his hands. They were shaking slightly, and covered with dried blood. More blood was trickling down his left arm, coming from a seemingly shallow cut just above his wrist. Buffy stared at the blood with tear-filled eyes. “You’re hurt.”

He didn’t answer. Instead he just kept staring at her with a blank expression on his face. Suddenly he looked uncertain, like he still wasn’t sure if she was really there. “Buffy?” he finally whispered, hoarsely. “You...” Then he stopped, noticing the blood in her hair. He reached out a trembling hand towards her, but then quickly pulled back, as if he was suddenly afraid to touch her.

“Buffy!” Xander chose that moment to enter the room, his eyes widening at the sight in front of him. “Holy crap,” he gasped, staring first at Ethan, then at Buffy and Spike. Before he got the chance to say anything else, two armed police officers appeared behind him in the doorway. Xander stepped aside as one of them lowered his weapon and quickly went over to Ethan, kneeling beside him on the floor and checking for a pulse. Then he glanced over his shoulder, shaking his head in the negative.

“He’s dead,” Spike unnecessarily stated, taking a step away from Buffy. “I killed him.”

The other policeman lowered his weapon as well, watching Spike closely for a moment. “And you are?”

Spike opened his mouth to respond, but Buffy beat him to it, jumping in front of her boyfriend and glaring at the policeman as if she expected him to immediately pull out the handcuffs. “It wasn’t his fault!” She pointed at Ethan, more tears welling up in her eyes. “That man is a monster, if you only knew what he’s done...”

The policeman – looking to be in his early thirties – raised a hand to stop her ramblings. “It’s all right, miss. Just calm down.” He paused for a moment before turning to his partner; “I’ll take care of this. You go call the station and let them know that one man is dead. Tell them we have the situation under control and there’s no need for back-up.” Nodding in understanding, his partner quickly got to his feet and left the room.

Xander cleared his throat, a little nervously. “I’ll go call Willow.” He looked at Buffy. “Let her know you’re okay. Bet she’s been worried sick.” Then he hurried out of the room as well.

“Okay...” The policeman hesitated for a moment before he went on; “I’m Officer Charles Gunn. Does any of you need medical care? Are you injured?”

Spike immediately glanced at Buffy, swallowing hard. Reaching for his hand, she squeezed it softly. “I’m fine.” She inhaled shakily, struggling to keep her voice steady. “Are you?” He nodded quickly, not meeting her eyes.

“Right.” Gunn suddenly looked a little uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you both to come with me to the police station.” Seeing the alarmed look on Buffy’s face and the way she tightened her grip on Spike’s hand, he quickly made a decision and turned to Spike; “Um, you might wanna get cleaned up first, wash the blood off. We’ll wait here.” Spike hesitated for a moment, then nodded and headed for the bathroom.

Waiting until Spike had left the room, Gunn then turned to Buffy, a serious expression on his face. “I understand your concern, miss. But your boyfriend is not under arrest or anything. We’re just gonna need to ask some questions.”

“Oh, okay.” Suddenly Buffy felt like her head was spinning, not to mention the fact that she was terrified, half convinced that if she and Spike would go to the police station, it was just a matter of time before they would lock him up and throw away the key. The incredible relief she had felt for a brief moment when realizing that Ethan was no longer a threat had quickly subsided for fear. After all, a man was dead, and – evil or not – surely there would be consequences. “What’s gonna happen now?” she whispered, not really wanting to hear the answer but still feeling the need to ask.

Obviously seeing her despair and taking pity on her, Gunn let out a sigh. “What’s your name, miss?”

“Buffy. Buffy Summers.” She sniffled and wiped at her eyes before adding; “Officer.”

He gave her an assuring smile. “Just call me Gunn.” Then he paused for a moment. “Listen, Buffy, this is off the record, but if it’s the idea of a potential murder trial you’re so afraid of, I wouldn’t worry about it.” Buffy opened her mouth but he wasn’t finished. “I may be young and handsome, but I like to think I’ve been an officer long enough to be able to tell the difference between an act of self defense and cold blooded murder.”

She stared at him for a moment, not daring to get her hopes up. “How can you...?”

Gunn chuckled a little. “It’s called intuition.”

*~*~*

As soon as he was in the bathroom, Spike closed the door behind him and turned on the water. Then he started scrubbing his hands, suddenly desperate to get the blood off. The water soon became burning hot, but he didn’t even feel it. He closed his eyes, for some reason not wanting to look at himself in the mirror. Suddenly he felt a wave of nausea coming over him and he dropped to his knees, barely managing to lean over the toilet before emptying his stomach completely.

For a couple of minutes, he just sat there, dry heaving and gasping for air. Then he pulled back, resting his head against the wall and wiped his tear-stained face. He was relieved that he had remembered to lock the door, not wanting Buffy to come in and see him in that state. In fact, he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to face her again. Clearly, Buffy was safe now, although he still wasn't sure how. But if it hadn't been for him, she would never have gotten hurt in the first place.

And Ethan was dead. The man who had hurt him and abused him for as long as he could remember was finally gone, really gone, and would never be able to hurt him again. It was over. As the realization hit him, Spike waited for the relief to well up inside him, but it didn’t happen. He had thought that Ethan’s death would change everything, that he would finally be free, once and for all. That it would magically make him whole. But all he felt was a complete emptiness.


TBC

Closing the door quietly behind her, Buffy let out the breath she had been holding. “That went well, I guess...” Her voice trailed off as she glanced at Spike, who had already entered the apartment. “Spike, are you...?”

“Fine,” he stated, automatically, interrupting her before she could finish the sentence. He shrugged out of his coat and dropped it on a chair.

Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again, having no idea what to say. They had just spent the last couple of hours at the police station, answering to what felt like a million questions, and now she was beyond tired. She felt like she hadn’t slept in a week, and she could only imagine how Spike must be feeling. But now they were back at his apartment. Finally they would be able to rest.

Of course, no matter how exhausted she was, right now she didn’t think she would be able to go to sleep even if her life depended on it. Spike had hardly said two words since they had left the station and, not wanting to push him, she had left him alone. A part of her still had a hard time taking in what had happened today, and she felt like her head was spinning. Ethan was dead. It was finally over. Glancing at Spike again, she suddenly felt uncertain. It was over, wasn’t it?

When he suddenly spoke, she nearly jumped. “Maybe you should go back to your house tonight.”

Buffy stared at him, but he refused to meet her eyes. She swallowed. “You don’t want me to stay here?”

“Your mum’s probably worried about you.” He clearly avoided her question, and she just felt like crying. Was this how Spike was going to deal with the situation? By once again withdrawing from her?

“Spike, I...” Buffy hesitated. What could she possibly say? She didn’t even know where to begin. Inhaling shakily, she took a step towards him, then stopped. “I don’t wanna leave,” she finally mumbled. “Can’t we just...?”

“What?” Spike let out a tired sigh. “You wanna talk, is that it? Sorry. Really not in a mood.”

“I just wanna be with you!” She blinked away the tears, refusing to start crying. “Spike, I lo...”

”Don’t!” Spike glared at her. “Don’t say it. I can’t do this right now.” He turned away from her and walked over to the couch, putting some distance between them.

“So, that’s it?” Buffy lowered her eyes, having never felt more miserable in her life. “You blame me for what happened, and this is how you’re gonna punish me?”

“What?!” He spun around, staring at her in disbelief. “Are you daft?!”

“I’m sorry!” She was no longer able to keep the tears from falling. “I never should’ve gone there by myself, I realize that now.”

“Bloody right, you shouldn’t have!” Spike started pacing the room, then stopped. “What the hell were you thinking?! He could’ve killed you!”

“I wasn’t thinking!” Buffy tried to force back a sob. “I just wanted to help!”

He was quiet for a moment. “Shouldn’t have done that,” he finally muttered. “I’m not worth it.”

Suddenly feeling anger well up inside her, Buffy glared at him. “Don’t you think that’s up to me to decide?” He opened his mouth to object, but she raised a hand to stop him. “Spike, I’m sorry for going behind your back like that, I really am. But I believed I was doing the right thing. I really thought I could make a difference, that I could help you. And I won’t apologize for that.”

For a moment, Spike just looked at her in astonishment. Then he let out a defeated sigh and slumped down on the couch. “Buffy...”

“You know what?” Buffy interrupted him. “I know I was being reckless, but I would probably do the same thing all over again if I had to.” She paused with a frown. “Well, maybe not exactly the same thing, ‘cause the whole ‘getting hit in the head by a bottle’ thing – not very nice.”

Seeing how his eyes darkened, she quickly went on; “The point is; it was my decision. I’m the reason Ethan was able to hurt both of us today. And I’m sorry about that, too. But Spike...” She hesitated for a moment before sitting down on the couch next to him, waiting until he would meet her eyes. “He’s gone now. He can’t hurt any of us, ever again.”

“Didn’t mean to kill him.” Spike closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, they were so full of pain and anguish that Buffy nearly wept. “But I did, and I’m glad he’s gone. I killed a man, and I don’t feel bad about it. Doesn’t that make me...?” He stopped, not able to finish. Instead he just lowered his eyes to the floor.

“You’re nothing like him, Spike.” Buffy put her hand on his arm, wishing he would look at her. “And you didn’t kill him. He was the one who tried to hurt you. Again. All you did was defending yourself. You shouldn’t feel bad about that. It doesn’t make you a bad person. And just for the record; I’m glad he’s gone, too.” She paused. “Even Officer Gunn believed you, remember? You were acting out of self defense. Ethan was sick. He was the one who broke into your apartment, bringing a knife. There’s not even gonna be a trial.”

Spike let out a shuddering breath. “Still can’t believe he’s really gone. I thought...” He hesitated, not sure how to even begin to explain how he felt. How could he, when he didn’t understand it himself?

“What?” Buffy slowly ran her fingers down his arm before taking his hand, squeezing it softly. “Spike, please, talk to me.”

Letting out a frustrated groan, Spike pulled his hand away and jumped up from the couch. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Buffy got up as well, silently begging him not to push her away again. “I just want you to tell me what you’re feeling right now.”

“Yeah, well, can’t.” Spike rolled his eyes. “’Cause I don’t bloody know!” Grabbing an empty glass from the table, he furiously threw it into the wall, causing Buffy to gasp. His eyes darted around the room in a desperate search for more things to smash. When he didn’t find anything, he failed to hold back a choked sob. “Buffy, I don’t know how to do it.”

She approached him, slowly. “How to do what, sweetie?”

“Get over it.” Spike laughed, bitterly. “What the fuck’s wrong with me? He’s dead, I should...” He stopped, taking a step back when she tried to put her arms around him. “Don’t. Don’t touch me. I can’t...” He swallowed, hard. “He hurt you. Could’ve lost you. I can’t do this.”

“Spike, listen to me.” Buffy looked him deep into the eyes, praying that she would be able to get through to him. “You didn’t lose me. I’m fine. We’re both fine.” Seeing that he was about to object, she went on; “And now, it’s time to move on. Ethan’s dead. Don’t let him keep ruining your life. It’s over now.” A pause. “And just so you know... I’m staying here tonight. Whether you like it or not. We’ll get through this, I promise. Together.”


TBC

Seeing the pleading look on Buffy’s face, Spike hesitantly reached for her hand. He wanted to believe her, so badly, and a part of him knew she was right; it was time to move on. The only problem was, he just didn’t know how. For as long as he could remember, Ethan had always been there, a permanent reminder of the hell he had to endure, and Spike had already long since accepted the thought of a life in constant fear, never being able to let his guard down and relax, even for a moment.

He had always wished he was stronger, though, that he would have found the strength to stand up to his tormentor years ago. Of course, some times he had. But only in his mind. Because in reality, every time he had found himself standing face to face with Ethan, he had been reduced to a terrified child, unable to do anything but silently accept what was coming and pray to survive. And every time, he hated himself a little more for it.

And now it was over. Ethan was dead. The man would never be able to lay a hand on him again. He was finally free, free to start living the life that had been taken away from him before he was old enough to realize what he was missing. And now, the mere thought scared him half to death. What if he couldn’t do it? What if it was already too late? Sure, Ethan may be gone, but unfortunately, the painful memories of a childhood filled with nothing but fear and abuse wouldn’t go away that easily.

Suddenly, Spike got the strange feeling that Buffy already knew all of this. He may not be able to put his confused and fearful thoughts into words, but somehow, she seemed to know him a hell of a lot better than he knew himself. He had learned to turn his emotions and feelings off a long time ago, and somewhere on the way, he had forgotten how to turn them back on. But the feelings were still there, buried deep inside of him, and now he realized that Buffy was the key to bringing them back out. If he would only let her, that was.

Now she was watching him, carefully, obviously waiting for him to take the next step, and he let out the breath he had been holding. Maybe he didn’t know how to go on from here, but he did know that he couldn’t do it without Buffy. Bringing her hand up to his lips, he pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles. “I’m sorry,” he finally whispered.

She squeezed his hand, softly. “Sorry for what?”

Spike looked away for a moment, suddenly embarrassed. “For being a git. Again.” He paused. “Didn’t mean what I said before. I don’t want you to leave.”

“I know.” Despite her words, Buffy looked relieved. Then she suddenly became uncertain. “Do you... wanna talk about what happened?”

“No.” Seeing how she was about to say something, he quickly went on; “Not right now. Maybe later. I just...” He hesitated. “Buffy, I’m so bloody tired. Not just because of what happened today, but...” He stopped, not knowing how to explain. But when he looked into her eyes, he realized that he didn’t have to. She already understood.

“It’s okay.” Buffy gave him a small smile. Then she reached out her hand towards his face, but suddenly seemed to hesitate and pulled back. “Spike, I...”

Before she could finish, Spike pulled her into his arms, burying his face against her neck and inhaling her sweet scent. She immediately wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. For a couple of minutes, they just stood like that, neither of them wanting to let go. Then, hit by a wave of exhaustion, his legs suddenly failed to support him and he slid down to the floor, pulling Buffy with him. Clinging to each other almost desperately, they sat in silence on the floor, arms still around each other and slowly rocking back and forth.

Suddenly realizing that he had become completely still in her arms, Buffy pulled back a little, wondering if he had fallen asleep. “Spike?”

He blinked, sleepily, giving her an apologetic look. “Sorry, pet. Guess I’m even more knackered than I realized.”

Buffy hesitated for a moment. “Are you sure you wanna stay here tonight? We could always go to my house.” A pause. “Or to a hotel.”

Giving her suggestion a brief moment’s thought, Spike nodded, relieved. They had chosen to come back here to his apartment instead of going to her house, since Buffy was pretty certain that Joyce would be home, and none of them were in a mood for answering any more questions tonight. But now, the idea of spending another minute, let alone another night in the apartment made him feel sick. “Hotel sounds good.” He paused. “Don’t think I can stay here. Need a new place.”

She nodded in understanding. “I know what you mean. Too much has happened here. But we’ll deal with that tomorrow. Let’s just get out of here and find a place to stay for the night.” He nodded in agreement.


*~*~*

About an hour later, Buffy looked around the large hotel room with wide eyes. She had never been there before and hadn’t expected anything nearly that fancy, but since their only other option had been the Sunnydale Motor Inn, it was safe to say that she was beyond relieved. She couldn’t help but shudder at the thought of having to go back there, knowing that Hell would freeze over before she would ever set foot in that disgusting place again.

Spike glanced at her. “You hungry? Could order something from the room service if you want.”

She thought about it for a moment, then shook her head. “I’m not that hungry. Just tired.” She paused. “And in a desperate need for a shower. How ‘bout you?”

He shook his head as well. “Think I’ll just turn in. Feels like I haven’t slept for a year.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling.” Buffy failed to hold back a yawn. “I’ll just take a quick shower, and then I’ll join you.” She hesitated for a moment. “Spike?” He gave her a questioning look. “I love you.” Before he got the chance to say anything, she quickly slipped into the bathroom.

Spike remained standing in the middle of the room for a moment, staring at the spot where Buffy had just been. Suddenly he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it wasn’t too late after all. After everything they had been through since they first met, amazingly enough, Buffy was still here. He still wasn’t sure how to get over what happened and move on with his life, but at least as long as he had Buffy, he didn’t have to figure it out all by himself. He wasn’t alone anymore. And maybe, just maybe, he never would be again.


TBC

At first, Buffy didn’t know what it was that had caused her to wake up. The room was dark and chilly, and she wanted nothing more than to just go back to sleep. Suddenly she realized that she was alone in the large bed, and for a moment, she panicked. Then her eyes landed on Spike, sitting in one of the armchairs over by the window, and she let out a sigh of relief. “Spike?”

He shifted a little in the chair, turning to look at her. “Right here, pet.”

She sat up, the concern evident on her face. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” He was quiet for a moment. “Couldn’t sleep, so I got up. Didn’t wanna wake you.”

Eyes darting over the bed, Buffy grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around her before going over to him. “You okay?” He didn’t answer. Instead he just reached out for her hand and pulled her down in his lap, wrapping his arms around her. Snuggling close to him, Buffy gently pressed her cheek against his. For a moment, they just sat there in silence. Then she felt him shiver in her arms, and started rubbing his back. “Sweetie, you’re cold. Why don’t we just go back to bed?”

He shook his head. “I’m fine.” The look on her face clearly indicated that she was not convinced, and he let out a sigh, pulling back from her a little. “What do you want me to say? I’d rather stay here, but if you wanna sleep some more...”

She interrupted him. “I don’t.”

“Fine, then.” Spike became silent, getting up from the chair and looking out the window. He didn’t want to see the hurt look on Buffy’s face, knowing perfectly well that he was the reason behind it. Right now, he preferred not thinking at all. It was easier that way. The only problem was, trying to block out all the thoughts that kept rushing through his mind turned out to be next to impossible. He had managed to get a few hours of sleep so far during the night, but that was pretty much it.

The last thing he wanted to do was going back to his apartment, although he knew that sooner or later, he would have to. A part of him longed to take Buffy and get the hell out of this town; get as far away as possible and never look back. Maybe then, he would finally be able to let go of the past and move on, once and for all.

Yet another part of him was too emotionally drained to even want to think about taking such a huge step for the second time, and would gladly stay the rest of his life here in the safe little bubble he had created for himself, where he could spend the rest of his time in a blissful numbness. Or, to be more accurate; what little time he had left before everything would finally come crashing down on him and he would go insane. At least maybe then he would get some peace.

“Feels like my head’s ‘bout to explode,” he muttered, realizing too late that he had spoken the words out loud. Glancing at Buffy, he could see that she was about to say something, and quickly went on, not giving her the chance to speak; “Buffy, please, I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Seeing her eyes narrowing, he let out a tired sigh. “I’m not trying to push you away, either. I just... Can’t we just...?” He stopped, suddenly at a loss for words.

Of course, deep down he knew that he couldn’t avoid talking to Buffy forever. He realized that she was worried about him, and a little voice inside his head kept screaming at him to just tell her what she wanted to hear and then be done with it. But for some reason, he couldn’t. Not because he didn’t trust her, but because he had no idea where to even begin. His confused and screwed up thoughts didn’t make any sense in his own head, so how could he possibly be able to explain them to Buffy?

“Come back to bed? Please, Spike? We don’t have to talk.” He noticed that her voice was trembling. “I just don’t know what to...” Buffy hesitated. “What do you wanna do? What do you want me to do?” She swallowed. “Please tell me, because I just don’t know.”

Spike had to bite back a bitter laugh, realizing the irony of it all. During the last couple of months, Buffy had become his rock; the only good and solid thing in his life, and she was the reason why he had managed to keep fighting and not just given up a long time ago. But now, after everything that had happened, of course Buffy had to be just as uncertain and confused as he was. He wanted to tell her that it was okay, that her just being there was enough, but the words wouldn’t come.

He wanted to run. And at the same time, he wanted to take Buffy in his arms, hold her close and never let go. He wanted to talk to her; share every single thought and emotion with her and beg her to help him figure out what it all meant. But he also wanted to just push it all to the farthest back of his mind, lock the door and throw away the key. He didn’t want to deal with the aftermath of his tragic past, but he also knew that he would never be able to let it go if he didn’t. And that was what scared him.

Now he closed his eyes in a desperate attempt of trying to clear his head. He was torn between wanting to yell, curse and smash things, or just break down and weep. Suddenly it was all becoming too much for him to handle, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. It was finally hitting him; memories of everything that had happened, ever since he was just a little kid, was now welling over him all at once, with a force that made him feel like he was choking.

“Spike?”

Buffy was touching his arm, gently, but he quickly took a step back and shook her hand off him. “Gotta get out of here,” he mumbled.

“What?” Buffy stared at him in disbelief. “No! Don’t even think about going somewhere. Just talk to me! What’s wrong?” She reached out for him but he shook his head, stubbornly backing away from her. “Dammit, Spike, don’t do this! Just let me help you.”

“You can’t!” Standing in the middle of the room, Spike felt the walls closing in on him and he tried to fight back the panic that threatened to well up inside him and consume him. “Need to get out, can’t fucking breathe in here...” He gave Buffy a pleading look, silently begging her to understand.

Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again. She didn’t say anything. Instead, she just looked at him with wide eyes, her face a mixture of hurt and confusion, and Spike knew then that she wouldn’t try to stop him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, hoarsely, before rushing past her, feeling her eyes on his back as he bolted through the door and out into the night.


TBC

Leaning against the railing of the bridge, Spike watched the dark river below. The night was silent, and for a moment, the whole world seemed completely peaceful. Too bad that feeling couldn’t last. He took a couple of deep breaths, enjoying the feeling of the cold, fresh air against his face. Suddenly he felt a presence behind him, and tensed up. Glancing over his shoulder, he relaxed when he spotted Buffy, standing a few feet away and watching him, warily. Though she remained silent, and he let out a sigh, turning his attention back to the almost black water. “Not gonna jump, if that’s what you think.”

She didn’t answer. Spike turned around, and realized that she was silently crying. He closed his eyes for a moment, suddenly feeling like the biggest git in the world; a feeling he had come to be most familiar with. “Buffy, I...”

“Don’t.” She interrupted him, her voice trembling. “Are you okay?”

He was far from okay, but one look at Buffy’s tear-stained face, and the guilt made him feel an almost desperate need to convince her otherwise. So he nodded. “Yeah, m’fine,” he mumbled.

Instead of looking relieved, like he had expected, Buffy’s eyes narrowed and she watched him closely, obviously understanding perfectly well that he was just putting up an act for her. He realized that she really did know him better than he knew himself, and wasn’t sure if he should find that comforting, or disturbing. Lowering his eyes, he stubbornly blinked away the tears threatening to fall. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, letting out a shaky breath.

“Spike...” Buffy took a hesitant step towards him, then stopped, clearly not sure what to do, and Spike was torn between wanting to go to her, or putting even more distance between them. He had never felt more confused in his life. “Why do you keep lying to me?” she suddenly asked, giving him an accusing look, and all he could do was shrug in response. Buffy let out a sigh. “Don’t know how much more of this I can take,” she mumbled.

Spike was quiet for a moment, and when he finally spoke, his voice was barely more than a whisper. “What are you saying?” He kept his eyes on the ground, not daring to look at her.

At first, Buffy didn’t answer. Then she quickly wiped at her eyes. “Spike, look at me.” He reluctantly obeyed. “I love you. But let’s face it; it’s just not enough. You even said so yourself; I can’t help you.”

Looking at her with wide eyes, Spike shook his head in denial. “I – I didn’t mean...”

“Yes, you did.” Buffy took a deep breath, struggling to keep her voice steady. She needed to be honest with him, even though it was breaking her heart. This was something he needed to hear, no matter how painful it was, and she had to stay strong. Even if it was killing her. “Spike, I think you should start seeing a therapist.”

“What?!” He immediately shook his head, looking alarmed. “Buffy, I already told you...”

“Yeah, I know.” Their eyes met as she went on; “But you can’t go on like this. Don’t you see? Seeing you this way and not being able to help you is killing me. Eventually, it’s gonna tear us apart, and I don’t want that.” She rolled her eyes. “Dammit, Spike, I don’t wanna lose you!”

Spike swallowed. “Don’t make me do this, Buffy. Please, I...” He hesitated. “I’ll talk to you, all right? I’ll tell you anything you wanna know. But I just can’t pour my heart out to some complete stranger who gets paid to listen to my pathetic excuse for a life.”

“Gets paid to help you,” Buffy corrected, desperate to make him see things her way. “Don’t you see the difference?” He opened his mouth to object, but she went on; “Spike, there’s no shame in getting professional help. What are you so afraid of?”

“I’m not afraid! I just...” Spike stopped, not sure of what he was trying to say. He wanted nothing more than to finally be able to move on, but he just didn’t know if that was possible. Deep down, he knew that Buffy just meant well, but somehow, the idea of talking to a therapist felt like the ultimate humiliation. Besides, he didn’t think he would be able to go through all the painful details of his so called life again. He just wanted to forget about his past, not dwell on it even more. Why couldn’t Buffy just see that?

Then again, the mere thought of losing the only good thing he’d ever had in his life was even more terrifying than the idea of being forced to face his past one more time. With Buffy, he had gotten a second chance at life; a possible future. Without her, he had nothing. And even though he didn’t want to admit it, he knew that she was right. Sooner or later, it would tear them apart.

Well aware of his inner struggles, Buffy held her breath as she waited for him to come up with a decision. She knew that she was playing on his guilt, and a part of her felt bad about it, but she also knew that Spike would never even consider getting help unless he really thought that he had something to lose. And she was the only thing he would be genuinely afraid of losing. Besides, she hadn’t lied when she told him that the whole thing was killing her. When he had just stormed out of the hotel room earlier, she had never felt more helpless in her life. It was time for Spike to learn that his actions affected her as well.

Suddenly she got an idea. “What if I could go with you?” Seeing his confusion, she hurried to explain; “I mean, I know what happened to you, at least what you’ve told me. But that doesn’t make me automatically understand what you’ve been through.” She hesitated. “Honestly, I don’t think I can even begin to understand. And I want to.” Glancing at him, she was relieved to notice that she had his full attention, and went on; “When you’re hurting, I’m hurting. I once told you that we’ll get through this together, and I meant it. Besides, it would probably be good for me to talk to someone about all of this as well.” She paused. “If you don’t mind, that is.”

Spike remained silent for a moment, and she knew that he needed some time to let her words sink in. She also realized that he was seriously considering her offer. Still, she was almost afraid to get her hopes up. So, when he finally spoke, she mentally prepared herself for rejection. However, his next words surprised her. “You’d actually do that?” Buffy just nodded, suddenly afraid to speak. He cocked his head
to the side, obviously trying to decide if she was serious. “Still don’t wanna do this,” he mumbled, however, he no longer sounded completely against the idea.

“I know.” She looked him right in the eyes, praying that she was finally getting through to him.

“Bloody hell!” He let out a sigh of defeat, but kept his eyes locked on hers. “All right, fine. I’ll do it.”


TBC

”Okay. Bye, Mom. Talk to you later.” Buffy hang up the phone and let out a sigh of relief. That was one phone call. She still had three more to make. But that would just have to wait. She glanced at Spike, still sleeping peacefully, and quietly slipped back into bed. It was still early in the morning, and they wouldn’t have to leave the hotel room until noon. She could sleep some more if she wanted to. But for some reason, she just knew that was not going to happen.

Instead, her mind was racing. What was going to happen now? Just because Spike had agreed to get therapy didn’t mean that everything would go smoothly from now on. She liked to think that they had hit rock bottom, and now, things could only get better, but even if that was the case, they still had a long way to go. At least they were together. But she had a nagging feeling that the next couple of weeks would be intense, to say the least.

“Hey.” Having been lost in her thoughts and therefore missed when Spike started to stir next to her, Buffy nearly jumped when he suddenly spoke. He gave her a somewhat uncertain look before slipping his arms around her and pulling her close. “You okay, luv?”

“Yeah.” Buffy immediately snuggled closer to him. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t.” He reached for the blanket and pulled it over them with a shudder. “Fuck, it’s freezing in here.”

“I know.” Buffy pouted. “Think my feet are turning into a couple of popsicles.” Spike chuckled a little. She sighed. “And I’m starving. How about we’ll get some breakfast and then get out of here?”

He was quiet for a moment, then nodded. “Fine by me. Just gonna hit the shower.” Reluctantly releasing her, he pulled away from her and sat up.

“Spike?” He stopped and gave her a questioning look. “I talked to my mom before. She has to get out of town again, said something about an auction. She won’t be back until tomorrow night. We can stay at the house until then.”

“All right.” Spike quickly got up, but she didn’t miss how his eyes suddenly darkened. “Gonna have to get back to the apartment first, though. Need to get some things.” He hesitated. “You don’t have to come if you don’t...”

“Of course I’ll come.” She interrupted him before he could finish. “Look, while you’re in the shower, I just have to make a couple of phone calls, then we’re out of here. We can stop for breakfast on the way back to your place.”

“Yeah, sure.” He looked relieved. “Who you gonna call?” Then he frowned. “God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?”

“Doubt it.” Buffy shook her head in agreement. “Well, first I need to call Xander. Don’t think I actually thanked him for what he did yesterday.” Spike nodded in understanding. “I bet he’s already talked to Willow, but I should call her anyway.”

“What are you gonna tell them?” He glanced at her, a little cautiously.

“I don’t know.” Buffy shrugged. “Just wanna let them know we’re okay. I’m not gonna get into any details. Don’t worry about it.” He nodded, but remained silent. “And, um... I was thinking...” Suddenly she didn’t know how to go on.

“What?” Spike got a suspicious look on his face.

Buffy looked away, suddenly not wanting to meet his eyes. “Before we left the police station yesterday, Officer Gunn gave me his card. He said to call him if either of us had any questions.” She paused. “I thought I’d give him a call, ask him if he knows about any good therapists.” She held her breath, waiting for his reaction.

Spike sighed, clearly annoyed. “What’s the rush? I mean, seriously, Buffy, can’t it wait? I know I said I’d do it, but...” Then he stopped, rolling his eyes. “Never mind. Make the bloody call. Do whatever you want.” He grabbed his shirt and headed towards the bathroom.

“Wait a minute!” Buffy jumped up from the bed. “Don’t just walk away from me like that! I thought you were okay with this.”

“Well, I’m not.” Spike turned around, crossing his arms over his chest. “I agreed, sure, but that’s hardly the same thing as being okay with it.” Buffy opened her mouth, but he went on; “In fact, I specifically remember telling you that I don’t wanna do it. I will, though, since I think you’re right. But you could at least have given me a couple of days to get used to the idea. It’s not just your decision.”

Realizing that he was right, Buffy lowered her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “Forget I said anything.”

Sighing again, Spike dropped his shirt on the floor and walked back to the bed, sitting down after a moment’s hesitation. “No, I’m sorry. I’m trying here, Buffy. I just feel like things are moving too fast. Don’t know if I’m ready.” He gave her a pleading look, silently begging her to understand.

She slowly made her way over to him, sitting down as well and gently taking his hand in hers. For some reason, she almost expected him to pull away, and was relieved when he didn’t. “I understand how you feel, sweetie, I really do. But tell me something. Honestly, do you think you’ll ever be truly ready?” He looked at her for a moment, then looked away. “That’s what I thought.” Buffy sighed. “I’m not saying we have to do it today, or even this week. But...”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it.” Spike grimaced. “Might as well get it over with, I see your point.” He didn’t want to admit to Buffy how much the idea of seeing a therapist actually scared him. Of course, he had a feeling that she already had her suspicions, but that was not the point. A part of him was relieved beyond words that Buffy had offered to go with him, but that also meant that he would be forced to face everything he had tried so hard to push to the back of his mind. And the mere thought terrified him.

And more importantly, he seriously doubted that talking to someone else would really make a difference. He didn’t need some shrink, telling him how screwed up he was. However, Buffy seemed to be convinced that therapy was the key to everything, like talking about what happened would make all the painful memories magically disappear. To tell the truth, he had agreed to the whole thing more for her sake than for his own. He knew that Buffy just wanted to help him, and for that he loved her even more, if that was possible.

But maybe he was beyond help. Somehow he had managed to survive all the years of pain, fear and abuse, and now, the idea of not having to spend the rest of his life in constant fear was overwhelming. He didn’t know how to deal with it, but he did know that he would never feel comfortable discussing his life with a stranger. Unfortunately, Buffy didn’t seem to see that. She kept insisting that everything would be fine, that he just needed to talk about it, let it all out once and for all. Maybe she was right. Maybe that was what he needed. But what he wanted was a whole different matter.

He would do it, though. Because Buffy believed in him, and he didn’t want to disappoint her. He wanted to be able to start living again, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Buffy. So, if she really believed that therapy was the right way to go, who was he to object? But that didn’t mean that he had to like it. At least he wouldn’t have to go through it alone. Still, he got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He had been in Hell for as long as he could remember. Would it ever be really over?

TBC

A couple of hours later, Spike was half lying on the couch in front of the TV when Buffy came hurrying down the stairs. “Hey.” She walked over to the couch, sitting down next to him. “I have to go see Willow and Xander. Just talked to Willow on the phone, and she insisted I’d come over.” A pause. “I’d like for you to come, too.”

“Huh?” Spike looked up, a somewhat startled expression on his face. Then he shook his head. “I don’t think so, pet.” Seeing how she was about to object, he quickly went on; “Some other time, I promise. Just really not in a mood right now. But you go ahead. Tell ‘em I said hi.”

“Spike...” Buffy bit her lip, nervously, the concern evident on her face. “You okay?”

“Course.” He turned his attention back to the TV. “Just kinda tired. Didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“Right. I understand. Um, look, I...” She hesitated, and he realized that she was trying to tell him something important, but didn’t know quite how. He waited patiently, and finally she went on; “I also talked to Gunn. We have an appointment next Thursday, at four-thirty.” She held her breath, waiting for his reaction.

Spike froze in his tracks, but didn’t take his eyes away from the TV. “All right.”

Buffy waited for him to say something more, but he didn’t. She wished he would just look at her. Right now, she had no idea what he was thinking. “Are... are you okay with that? Thursday, I mean?”

“Sure.” He still wouldn’t meet her eyes, and it was starting to freak her out.

She went on, like she hadn’t heard him. “Cause, you know, if you have to work...”

“I don’t.” Spike finally reached for the remote and turned the sound off with a sigh. “Looks like I got fired.”

“What?!” Buffy stared at him in disbelief, and he finally turned to look at her. “When did this happen? And how come you didn’t tell me?”

“Telling you now, aren’t I?” He grimaced. “Sorta took off yesterday and forgot to call back. Apparently pissed my boss right off, ‘cause he left a bunch of angry messages on my voice-mail, all of ‘em saying pretty much the same thing. Don’t bother to come back.” He shrugged.

“That’s just crazy, he can’t do that!” Buffy jumped up from the couch. “Okay, if you’ll just explain the circumstances, I’m sure he...”

“No.” Spike slumped back into the couch. “I really don’t care. Never liked the bloody job in the first place.”

“That’s not the point.” Buffy sat back down, trying to reason with him. “You need that job. How are you gonna get a new apartment without a regular income?”

He was quiet for a moment. That was a damn good question. Going back to live at his apartment was definitely not something he looked forward to, but it seemed like he didn’t have much of a choice. Finally he forced a smile. “I’ll think of something.”

“Like what?” She gave him an incredulous look. “You gonna rob a bank?”

“Hmm.” Spike pretended to seriously consider it. Seeing the look on her face, he let out a snort. “Don’t worry, luv. Doubt I’ll ever be that desperate.” Buffy looked at him, but didn’t say anything. He sighed. “Really, Buffy, it’ll be okay. I’ll figure something out.” He leaned over and placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

She gave him a somewhat uncertain smile and reached for his hand, squeezing it gently. For a moment they just sat there in silence, neither of them speaking. Then Buffy glanced at her watch, a thoughtful look on her face. “I could always call Willow and tell her I’ll come see her some other day...”

“No, you should go.” Spike interrupted her. “Don’t wanna make your mates disappointed.”

Buffy shook her head. “No, really, I don’t have to...”

“Oh bloody hell!” He let out an annoyed sigh. “Seriously, Buffy, think I can manage a couple of hours alone in an empty house.” Seeing the hurt look on her face, he immediately regretted lashing out at her like that, and hurried to apologize. “I’m sorry, luv. I just don’t want you changing your plans for me, is all. I’ll be fine.”

“All right.” She didn’t look totally convinced, but obviously decided to let it go for now. Then she started to get up, but Spike grabbed her arm to stop her. She gave him a questioning look.

She was a little surprised when he wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair. “Love you, pet,” he mumbled. “Know I haven’t said it much lately, but...”

“Shh, I know.” Buffy hugged him, hard. “I love you, too. And I’m sorry for being so overprotective.” She pulled back a little, kissing him gently on the lips, and was happily relieved when he immediately returned the kiss, like he had just been waiting for her to take the first step. Now she really wished that she didn’t have to go. Most reluctantly, she pulled back again. “I should probably...”

“Yeah.” He let go of her and reached for the remote again, turning the sound back on.

“I’ll hurry back. Then we can...” Buffy stopped, having been interrupted by the sound of the doorbell, and frowned. “Who can that be?” Not waiting for an answer, she hurried over to the door and opened. Her eyes widened when she recognized the man standing outside. “Officer? Is something wrong?”

Gunn gave her an assuring smile, but she thought that he seemed a little nervous. “Not at all, I just...” He hesitated. “I’m sorry to just show up like this, but... May I come in?”

Now it was her turn to hesitate. “I was just on my way out...”

He interrupted her before she could finish. “Actually, Miss Summers, I came here to talk to your boyfriend. Is he here?”

Before Buffy got the chance to answer, Spike appeared in the doorway behind her, putting his arm casually around her shoulders. “What’s the problem, Officer?”

“There’s no problem, I just have a few questions.” Gunn looked from Spike to Buffy. “But if this is a bad time...?”

“What kind of questions?” Spike eyed the other man, a little suspiciously.

Gunn opened his mouth to answer, but Buffy beat him to it; “Why don’t I just call Willow, and...”

“Buffy.” Spike gave her a warning look. She looked at him. “Go. I’ll handle this.”

“Are you sure?” He nodded. It was obvious that Buffy wasn’t happy about it, but she put on a strained smile. “All right. I won’t be long.” Giving his hand a final squeeze, she glanced at Gunn again before slipping out through the door.

Spike looked after her for a moment, then held back a sigh as he turned back to Gunn. “Come on in, Officer.”

“Really, there’s no need to be so formal. Just call me Gunn.” Gunn stepped through the door and stopped just inside. “Besides, I’m not here in any official business.” He cleared his throat, nervously. “It’s more of a personal visit, actually. I hope you don’t mind.” Spike just raised a brow and gave him a questioning look, waiting for the other man to go on.


TBC

”Oh, Buffy, thank God you’re okay! I’ve been so worried about you!” Willow threw herself into her best friend’s arms before Buffy even got the chance to step through the door.

“Come on, Will, give the girl a chance to breathe, will you?” Xander appeared in the doorway behind Willow, smiling at Buffy. “Good to see you, Buff.”

“You too.” Buffy returned his smile and hugged Xander as well, once Willow had released her and taken a step back. “And Xander?” He gave her a questioning look. “Thank you. For... well, you know.”

Xander nodded in understanding. “Don’t mention it. I’m just glad you didn’t get hurt.” He frowned. “Except that you did. How’s your head?”

“My head’s fine.” Buffy gave him an assuring smile as she stepped past him and into the small apartment. Willow closed the door behind her.

“Good. Good.” Xander hesitated for a moment before adding; “And how’s Spike?” Stopping in her tracks, Buffy spun around and stared at him in bewilderment. He rolled his eyes. “What? I can be nice!” A pause. “Look, Buffy, I’m really sorry about the way I’ve been acting lately. I’ve been a real jerk. Can you ever forgive me?” Buffy opened her mouth, but he went on; “I had no right telling you what to do, or who you should be with. It’s your decision and I should’ve just accepted it instead of hurting you like I did. And...” Another pause. “I guess what I’m trying to say is; if you’re happy with Spike, then I should just be happy for you.”

Buffy looked at him for a moment, then nodded. “Thanks for telling me this, Xander. It means a lot to me.” She glanced briefly at Willow before turning back to Xander. “Spike told me he ran into you. He said you apologized to him as well.”

“Yeah, well...” Xander shrugged, looking a little embarrassed. “I know when I’m wrong, all right? Spike’s okay, I guess. But if he ever hurts you...” He left the rest of the sentence hanging.

“He won’t.” Buffy smiled a little. “I really love him, Xander. And he loves me just as much.”

Xander nodded. “I’m starting to realize that. I’m sorry it took me so long.” He cleared his throat. “So... Wanna talk about what happened yesterday? Was that crazy bastard really Spike’s father?”

”Step father.” Buffy sighed. “And don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather not talk about it. At least not right now.”

“It’s okay, Buffy, we understand.” Willow put her hand gently on Buffy’s arm, a concerned look on her face. “How’s Spike dealing with everything? Is he gonna be okay?”

Buffy realized that Willow genuinely wanted to know, and felt strangely touched. The relief of not having to choose between her best friends and her boyfriend was almost overwhelming. She thought about it for a moment before answering, vaguely. “He’s... dealing.” She could see that Willow was about to ask something more, but then clearly decided against it and remained quiet. For that, Buffy was grateful. She was really not in a mood for discussing the subject more than necessary. And thankfully, Willow seemed to understand.

Maybe everything would be okay after all.


*~*~*

“So...” Gunn looked around the room, nervously, before turning back to Spike. “Mind if I...?” He gestured towards the couch.

“Oh. No, go ahead.” Spike was starting to wish that Buffy hadn’t left after all. He had no idea what the police officer wanted to talk to him about, and he didn’t like the feeling of not knowing what was going to happen. Might as well get it over with, he thought. “So, what’s this about?”

Gunn sat down on the couch. “Your girlfriend called me earlier. I guess you already know that?” He looked relieved when Spike nodded, and went on; “That man... Ethan Rayne. She said he was your step father.”

“Was married to my mum. So?” Spike realized that he sounded hostile, but he didn’t care. He didn’t know where Gunn was going with this, and he wasn’t really interested in finding out, either. Suddenly, he just wanted the other man to leave. However, the next question took him by surprise.

“You’re from London, then?” Gunn suddenly didn’t seem to want to meet his eyes.

Spike eyed him, a little suspiciously. “Right. What, Buffy told you? Look, I don’t see what...”

“When did you leave?” Gunn interrupted him.

“Why?” Spike crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at the officer. “Said this was a personal visit, not a soddin’ interrogation. Unless you explain what the bloody hell this is about...”

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Gunn closed his eyes for a moment, obviously searching for the right words. “All right, here’s the thing. I’m not really a cop.” Spike opened his mouth, but Gunn wasn’t finished. “I used to work in LA, as a private investigator. Then one night, about three months ago, I got a call from my sister in London. She wanted me to help her.”

“With what?” Spike didn’t really care, but still, a part of him couldn’t help but feel that whatever Gunn was trying to tell him was important.

At first, Gunn didn’t answer. Then he took a deep breath. “There was this man. Laura suspected that he was...” He looked away. “...hurting her eight-year-old daughter. My niece. Emily. Of course, she couldn’t prove anything, and the girl refused to talk about it. She tried going to the police, but they couldn’t help her without any evidence or witnesses. Basically, it was her words against his, and of course, he denied everything. So, Laura figured I was her only hope.”

Spike stared at him, eyes widening. “Are you telling me...?”

“Yeah.” Gunn nodded. “Ethan Rayne.” Spike remained quiet, an unreadable expression on his face, so Gunn went on; “Naturally, I went to London to check him up. A week later...” He swallowed. “There was an accident. Laura...”

Now it was Spike’s turn to interrupt. “He killed her.” For some reason, he wasn’t the least bit surprised. But he was still shocked by this new information. And he didn’t have to ask Gunn what Ethan had done to the poor girl. He already knew, all too well.

“It was a car accident.” Gunn let out a bitter laugh. “But it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Rayne was behind it. Still, the police didn’t do a thing. That was when I realized that I was on my own. So I pulled a few strings, called in some favors. And here I am.”

Spike nodded slowly, understanding dawning on him. “You followed him to Sunnydale.”

“That’s right. Got here about a week ago.” Gunn sighed. “It didn’t take me too long to find him. When I heard about his wife...” He stopped, giving Spike an apologetic look. “I’m sorry. This must be...”

“Don’t.” Spike rolled his eyes. “Just go on.”

“There’s not much left to say.” Gunn suddenly got a grim look on his face. “You know the rest. The bastard hurt your girlfriend and showed up at your place, and now he’s dead. Case closed.”

“Just like that, huh?” Spike snorted. “I don’t get it. Why are you telling me this?”

“Because...” Gunn hesitated. “When Buffy called me, when I realized that you had to grew up with that man...”

“So, that’s what this is about.” Spike raised a brow. “What do you want me to say? That I had to live in the same hell as your niece, every fucking day for as long as I can bloody remember? This conversation is over. I don’t need your pity.”

“It’s not about that.” Gunn slowly got up from the couch. “Just hear me out. Please.”

Spike glared at him. “Give me one reason why I should.”

Gunn looked him right in the eyes. “Because I need your help.”


TBC

”Hello? Spike, I’m back! Sorry for taking so long, I...” Closing the front door behind her, Buffy stopped with a frown as she looked around the empty living room. “Spike?”

“Right here, pet.” She spun around with a shriek, having not heard him walk up behind her, and he raised his hands in an apologetic gesture. “Sorry, luv. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

She glared at him for a moment as she pressed a hand to her chest, waiting for her heart to slow down. “God, don’t do that!”

“Said I was sorry, didn’t I?” He placed a soft kiss on her cheek before walking past her, slumping down on the couch. “How’d things go with your mates?”

“Good, I guess.” Buffy walked over to the couch, sitting down next to him and pulling her legs up underneath her. She got a thoughtful look on her face. “Probably gonna take a while, though, getting used to Xander being all... nice.” Spike let out an amused snort. She glanced around the room. “Gunn left?”

Spike nodded. “A while ago.”

Buffy waited for him to say something more, but he remained silent. She raised her brows, impatiently. “So? What did he have to say?”

He was quiet for a moment, not knowing how to begin. “He, um...”

She interrupted him, a look of concern on her face and a worried note in her voice; “Was it that bad? What did he say to you? I knew it! I should never have...”

“Buffy...” Spike rolled his eyes. “Will you just...?” He sighed. “I’m fine, all right? We just talked, is all. He told me some stuff.” A pause. “About Ethan.”

“What stuff?” She shifted a little on the couch, reaching for his hand.

Spike gave her hand a small squeeze and brought it up to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to her knuckles. When he finally spoke, he kept his eyes on their entwined hands. “There were others. Other kids, like me. He hurt ‘em, too.”

She looked at him for a moment, then swallowed. “I know.”

He looked up, startled, staring at her in confusion. “How?”

“Well, he said some things.” Buffy hesitated. “At his place, before he...” She waved her hand in dismissal, not wanting to think about how stupid she had been, letting Ethan take her off guard and knock her out. “He mentioned a girl. And a woman.” She paused. “I think he... I mean, he was vague about the details, but he made it sound like he...”

“Killed her?” Buffy nodded. Spike went on; “Gunn told me ‘bout it. Apparently, the bird was his sister.”

“Oh, God.” Buffy stared at him with wide eyes, almost afraid of asking the next question. “And the girl...?” She remembered Ethan’s words all too well, but hadn’t allowed herself to really take them in at the time. Now, she just wanted to cry. How many more innocent people had suffered because of that horrible man?

He absently let his fingers run up and down her arm, clearly needing to keep his hands occupied. “Staying with Gunn and his wife. He still doesn’t know everything, though, said the girl won’t talk about it. But he’s pretty sure Ethan raped her.” A pause. “Repeatedly.”

Having suspected as much, Buffy still failed to hold back a choked sob. How could anyone take pleasure in hurting little children like that? For a moment, she was sure she would be sick. Taking a few calming breaths, she slid her arm around Spike’s waist, resting her head on his shoulder. “Why did Gunn tell you this?”

Spike shrugged. At first, he didn’t answer. “Wants me to talk to her,” he finally mumbled. “Figured out I probably know what she’s going through.” He let out a bitter laugh.

Buffy was quiet for a moment. “Are you gonna do it?”

He pulled back a little, a disbelieving look on his face. “What the bloody hell would I say to her?” Buffy opened her mouth, but he went on; “She’s just a little kid, and he... He hurt her, over and over again, and when her mum started questioning him, he fucking killed her! And now Gunn seems to think that I can help her. That’s bollocks! Nothing I say could possibly make it better.” He sounded hostile, but Buffy noticed the way his bottom lip was trembling.

She reached out her hand, gently cupping his cheek. “Sweetie...”

Spike pulled back, angrily wiping his eyes. “I don’t know what he wants me to say. I’m no soddin’ shrink! What if I just make things worse?”

Buffy ran her fingers down his cheek, ignoring his weak attempt of pulling away from her. “It doesn’t matter what you say, baby, the point is; you do know what she’s going through. Maybe that’s all she needs. Sometimes, it helps just knowing that you’re not alone.”

He let out a snort, clearly not convinced. “Doesn’t change what happened.”

“You’re right, it doesn’t.” Buffy shook her head in agreement. “Just like nothing’s gonna change what Ethan did to you. I know you can’t change the past, no one can. But think about it. You had to go through it all alone. And now, you can make sure this little girl won’t have to. Don’t you see, honey? You can make a difference.” She kept stroking his face, holding her breath as she waited for his reaction.

Spike opened his mouth, then closed it again. He tilted his head to the side, allowing Buffy’s words to sink in. If anyone would have walked up to him when he was a kid, telling him they knew what was going on, would things have turned out differently? Chances were he would have just pushed them away, like he had with Buffy at first. But maybe, if they had been really persistent...

He had always been ashamed of what was happening in his room at night, blaming himself for what Ethan did to him. Of course, now he knew better, but he still suspected that a part of him would never be able to completely shake the feeling of guilt, having spent his entire life getting told how bad and worthless he was. Ethan had convinced him that he deserved nothing less than such a cruel punishment, and naturally, since no one had ever told him otherwise, Spike had soon come to believe him.

Spike suddenly realized that the man had probably done the same thing to little Emily. But the girl had been innocent, just like him. And if there was even the smallest chance that he could make her see that, before she would grow up as a broken shell of a human being, like he was, how could he even think about turning Gunn down? He couldn’t change what happened to this girl, true, but he could do his best to make sure she wouldn’t end up like him. He owed it to her, not to mention to himself, to at least try.

Now he looked at Buffy, and their eyes met. Spike realized that she was right. He really could make a difference. It was a scary thought, but at the same time, it felt good. Really good. Swallowing hard, he gave her a shaky smile, leaning into her touch. Buffy gave him a somewhat surprised look, then closed her eyes in relief as he pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her hair. “I’ll give him a call.”


TBC

”Spike, wait...” Having just been about to ring the doorbell, Spike lowered his arm and gave Buffy a questioning look. She tried to smile, but it came out somewhat uncertainly. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

He let out a sigh. “Does it really matter?” She opened her mouth, but he went on; “We’ve been through this, pet. Not just about me anymore. Let’s just do this, yeah?” Buffy looked at him for a moment, then nodded. “Right, then. Here we go.” Taking a deep breath, Spike raised his arm again and finally rang the bell.

The door swung open almost immediately, and Gunn was standing in the doorway in front of them. “Good to see you, guys. Come on in.” He took a step back, gesturing for Buffy and Spike to enter.

As Gunn closed the door behind them, Spike found himself wondering what the hell he was doing here. When he had called Gunn earlier that day, the other man had sounded beyond relieved, insisting that Spike and Buffy would come over for dinner so they could meet his wife and his niece – Emily – in person. Spike had reluctantly accepted, but on the way over, he had started having second thoughts. He still had no idea what Gunn expected him to do.

“Buffy, Spike, I’d like you to meet my wife – Winnifred.” Gunn smiled at the young, pretty brunette who had just entered the room and waved for her to come over. “Sweetheart, this is Buffy and Spike.”

“Just call me Fred. It’s a pleasure to meet you both.” Fred smiled shyly, reaching out her hand in greeting. “Why don’t you just sit down, make yourselves comfortable? Dinner’s almost ready.”

“Thank you.” Buffy paused, glancing at Spike before turning back to Fred.. “Um, do you need any help with...?” She stopped, having spotted the small, dark-haired girl standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking at her and Spike with an unreadable expression on her face. “Oh, hello.” She smiled at the girl.

The girl ignored Buffy and walked straight over to Fred, patting her arm to get her attention. “Aunt Fred, I’m hungry.”

Fred smiled at her. “We’re having dinner in about ten minutes, sweetie.”

Gunn cleared his throat. “Emily, this is Spike and Buffy; the nice people I told you about. I want you to say hello.”

Emily eyed the visitors suspiciously before mumbling a quick ‘hi’. Then she turned back to her aunt. “I’m hungry now.”

“Oh, I’m sure you can wait a few more minutes.” Fred glanced at her husband, then smiled at their guests. “I’m gonna go check on the food. Excuse me.” She quickly slipped out of the room.

Buffy gave Spike’s hand a small squeeze before following Fred into the kitchen. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Oh, that’s very sweet of you.” Fred let out a nervous laugh. “Would you mind getting the wine? It’s in the fridge.”

“Sure.” Buffy was quiet for a moment, not quite sure of what else to say. Still, she felt the need to say something. She cleared her throat. “You have a lovely home.”

“Thank you!” Fred put a large bowl of steaming pasta down on the table. Then she gave Buffy an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Buffy, I realize this must be an awkward situation for you.” Buffy opened her mouth to object, but Fred wasn’t finished; “No, really. I mean, I know it’s not fair to you and Spike, asking you to come here and...” She hesitated. “Charles is feeling really bad about it too, but...” A pause. “We just don’t know what to do.”


*~*~*

Spike casted a nervous look at Gunn, not sure of what to say. Luckily, Gunn seemed to notice his discomfort and turned to his niece. “Emily, why don’t you go to the bathroom and wash your hands? We’re eating any minute.” The girl obeyed without a word. Making sure Emily had left the room and wouldn’t hear him, Gunn then looked at Spike. “Look, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate...”

“Don’t.” Spike interrupted him. “Honestly, I’m still not sure why I’m here. I mean, I know you want me to talk to the girl, but I just don’t know what you want me to say.”

Gunn let out a tired sigh. “To tell the truth, I’m not sure myself.” Seeing the look on Spike’s face, he hurried on; “Look, the thing is, I love my niece more than anything. But the things she’s been through...” A pause. “She doesn’t have anyone else. She’s lost her mom, and I...” He hesitated for a moment. “I just don’t know how to help her.”

Spike raised a brow. “And how do you think I can...?”

“I don’t know.” Gunn sighed again. “I don’t even know if this is a good idea, but I’m desperate. Emily won’t talk to me or Fred about what happened. God knows we’ve tried. She’s seeing a therapist, but she won’t talk to her, either. It’s like she...” He struggled to find the right words. “Like she’s trying to pretend nothing’s happened. And it really scares me. She can’t keep it inside her forever.”

Spike opened his mouth, then closed it again. Gunn may be right, but what he didn’t seem to understand was that, as far as Emily was concerned, nothing good would come from talking to someone when she was clearly not ready to deal with it. On the other hand, the longer she would keep what happened to herself, the harder it would be for her to finally open up to someone. He had learned that the hard way.

Though he didn’t think he himself would have welcomed it, should anyone have tried to talk to him as a kid, when the wounds were still so fresh. But maybe it still had been better if someone had bothered to reach out to him back then, seeing how he had now turned into an emotional wreck who lacked the ability to deal with the painful memories still haunting him. And if no one would be able to help her, Emily was heading in the same direction.

Of course Spike wanted to help the girl. But he just didn’t see how. How could he help her deal with what happened, when he obviously wasn’t able to deal with his own past? It was Buffy who insisted on him going to a therapist, but the truth was, the mere idea still terrified him. So how could he get Emily to talk, when he clearly wasn’t ready to do so himself? He would feel like the biggest hypocrite ever.

When he opened his mouth to speak, Spike had to struggle to keep the panic out of his voice. “Look, mate, I see your point, but I don’t think I’m the right person for this. I wanna help, but...”

“Please!” Gunn interrupted him, an almost desperate look on his face. “I understand this is hard for you, I really do. Believe me, I feel horrible for even suggesting it in the first place, but...” He swallowed and looked down at his feet, like he was suddenly afraid of meeting Spike’s eyes. “Face it, man; you’ve been where she is now. I haven’t.”

“Dinner’s ready!” The two men spun around at the sound of Fred’s overly cheerful voice. Her smile faltered when she sensed the sudden tension in the room, and she looked from her husband to Spike, a concerned look on her face. “I’m clearly interrupting something, I’m sorry. Why don’t I just...?” She gestured towards the door behind her, indicating that she would head back into the kitchen.

“No, s’all right.” Spike put on a strained smile. “We’re just about done.” Avoiding Gunn’s eyes, he slipped past Fred and into the kitchen, eager to get away. He didn’t like the turn the conversation had taken one bit, and he really wished that he hadn’t come.


TBC

Buffy looked around the kitchen as her mind was searching, desperately, for something to say. She liked Gunn and Fred; they were both very nice, but she couldn’t help but find the whole situation kind of awkward. And although Spike clearly made an effort of being as nice and polite as possible, it was obvious that he felt uncomfortable as well. She couldn’t exactly blame him.

Sure, she could understand Gunn’s dilemma; him being willing to do anything to help his niece deal with the aftermath of her ordeal. But she didn’t like how he was pushing Spike into helping the poor girl. Of course, deep down, Buffy had a feeling that talking to someone who had been in the same situation would actually help Spike as well. It could be a break-through for them both, and that was the reason why she had encouraged him into coming here tonight.

Still, she suddenly wasn’t so sure Spike would be ready for this after all. A part of her just wanted to make up some excuse so they could leave. But she knew that wouldn’t be fair. For one thing, it was up to Spike to decide whether or not they should stay. Also, she felt bad for Gunn as well. He didn’t mean to cause any trouble, he just wanted to help his niece. She glanced at Spike and managed a small smile.

“More salad, anyone?” Fred let out a nervous laugh. “I hope I made enough. Usually it’s just the three of us.”

“I’d love some more, thanks.” Buffy wasn’t really that hungry; she just kept eating as an excuse to keep her hands busy. She had a tendency to start fidgeting when she was nervous. Stabbing a slice of tomato with her fork, she looked at Emily – who had barely touched her food – silently wondering if the girl had always been this thin, or if she had stopped eating as a result of Ethan’s cruel actions.

Suddenly, the girl pushed away her plate and got up. “I wanna go watch TV.”

Fred glanced at her husband before turning back to Emily. “But sweetie, you haven’t eaten anything. You said you were hungry, remember?”

Emily shrugged. “I’m not anymore.” A pause. “And she keeps staring at me.” She turned her accusing eyes towards Buffy.

“I...” Buffy felt her cheeks turn red and casted a helpless look at Spike, who just shrugged in response.

“Emily...” Gunn gave the girl a disapproving look. “That was not polite.”

Avoiding her uncle’s eyes, Emily mumbled an apology. Then she glanced at Fred, asking in a small voice; “Can I go watch TV, please?”

Fred got an uncertain look on her face, obviously not sure how to respond. Then she let out a sigh. “Of course, honey.” Emily left the room without another word, clearly relieved. An awkward silence filled the room.

Finally, Buffy spoke up. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...”

Gunn interrupted her, waving his hand in dismissal. “Don’t worry about it. She’s just...” He hesitated, obviously not knowing how to finish. Instead he turned to Spike in hope for understanding; “I just don’t know how to talk to her anymore. She was always so happy, you know. And now...” He left the rest of the sentence hanging.

Spike sighed. “I’m sorry to hear that, mate. But seriously, I don’t know what you want me to do about it.”

Gunn opened his mouth, but Fred beat him to it. “We just hoped you could talk to her. Maybe if she...”

“What if she doesn’t want to talk about it?” Spike interrupted her. Fred lowered her eyes.

Gunn looked surprised. “But she has to! She can’t just...” He swallowed. “She needs to hear that there are other people out there who’s been through the same thing. If you could just tell her how you’ve been dealing with...” His voice trailed off and he stopped as Spike let out a bitter laugh.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Spike could feel a headache coming up. Sod this! He didn’t want to be rude, but these people had absolutely no idea how he had been dealing with anything. Of course, deep down, he understood their concern for the little girl, but he couldn’t help but feel that it wasn’t fair to him. He had his own issues; he wasn’t ready for playing counselor.

Besides, it was obvious that Emily wasn’t interested in talking. She had barely said two words to anyone during dinner, despite the fact that they had all – including him – tried to get her to join the conversation. Still, it felt wrong to just give up, he wanted to be able to help her. He just didn’t know how. Feeling the frustration well up inside him, he pushed the chair back and started to get up. “Need some fresh air. Excuse me.”

Buffy jumped up as well and put her hand on his arm to stop him, the concern evident on her face. “I’ll come with you.”

His face softened and he squeezed her hand, gratefully. “I’m fine, luv. Just gonna step outside for a moment, be right back.” She looked like she was about to object, then seemed to decide against it. Instead she just nodded, reluctantly releasing her grip on his arm. Spike took a deep breath before leaving the room.

When he was gone, Buffy slowly sat back down. She noticed that both Gunn and Fred seemed reluctant to meet her eyes. Putting on a strained smile, she tried to lighten the mood. “Well, dinner was really great! Thank you for inviting us over.”

“Oh. You’re welcome.” Fred hesitated for a moment before she went on; “Buffy, I’m sorry. This was a bad idea; we should never have asked...”

“It’s my fault,” Gunn interrupted, giving Buffy an apologetic look. “It was selfish of me, I admit it. It’s just that Fred and I have tried everything, and we just can’t seem to get through to her.”

Fred gave her husband a sad smile before adding; “Buffy, surely you must have felt the same way we do. How did you get Spike to open up to you?” She and Gunn both looked at Buffy, expectantly.

Buffy sighed. She felt sorry for them, knowing perfectly well how hard it was, having to watch someone you cared deeply about suffer. At the same time, her heart went out to Spike, not to Gunn and Fred. She could only imagine how hard all of this had to be for him. He probably felt like he owed it to this girl to try and help her, but the fact was, he didn’t. He didn’t owe these people anything.

Not to mention the fact that – no matter how nice and understanding they may be – Gunn and Fred were still a couple of complete strangers. Buffy had to admit that a part of her was amazed that Spike had even agreed to come here tonight. After all, not only did they know about what happened to him, but that was in fact the reason why he was here in the first place. To talk about his past. And things hadn’t exactly started off very good.

“I’m sorry, I...” Buffy hesitated. She didn’t feel comfortable talking about her relationship with Spike. That was between the two of them. She bit her lip, thoughtfully, wondering how to explain how she felt without hurting anyone’s feelings. Unable to come up with something, she finally blurted out in desperation; “I need to use the bathroom.”

“Of course.” Fred got a worried look on her face, clearly wondering if she had gone too far. “Just go through the dining room; the bathroom’s the second door to the right.”

“Thanks.” Buffy forced a smile and hurried out of the room, leaving Gunn and Fred to look after her.


TBC

Relieved to get out of the kitchen, not liking being the center of attention as long as his past was involved, Spike headed for the front door when he spotted the little girl on the couch. She looked up, briefly, when he entered the living room, then clearly chose to ignore him as she turned her attention back to the TV. He hesitated for a moment before slowly walking over to her. “Hey, Emily. What are you watching?”

Emily glanced at him with a suspicious look on her face, and for a moment, Spike was certain that she was simply not going to answer. Then she shrugged. “Just a kid show.”

“Right.” Spike cleared his throat, at a loss for what to say next. “So, um...”

She suddenly spoke up – much to his surprise – interrupting him; “I used to live in London with my mom. The people there talked just like you.” As she spoke, she never took her eyes away from the TV.

Spike was a little taken aback, having not expected her to reveal something personal like that, but quickly recovered. “That’s ‘cause I used to live there, too.” After a brief moment’s hesitation, he sat down on the couch, although he made sure to leave some distance between them. “Mind if I join you?”

Emily looked up, obviously a little surprised. Then she turned back to the TV again. “Whatever.”

“Thanks.” Spike casted a glance over his shoulder, looking at the door leading back into the kitchen. “Could use a break, anyway.” Emily looked up again, giving him a curious look. He waved his hand in dismissal. “Never mind.”

They were just sitting there in silence for a couple of minutes until she spoke again; “Is Buffy your girlfriend?”

Spike frowned, surprised by the blunt question. “Yeah.”

The girl’s eyes narrowed. “Buffy’s a weird name.” A pause. “Spike’s weird, too.” Then she glanced at him, carefully, obviously wondering if she had gone too far and made him angry.

He raised a brow, then shrugged. “My real name’s William. Just don’t like it very much.”

“How come?” She suddenly looked interested.

He shrugged again. “Dunno. Just don’t.”

Emily looked doubtful, but remained quiet. Spike held back a sigh, wondering once again what he was doing. This was the main reason he was here in the first place; to talk to Emily. But he was obviously not doing a very good job so far. A part of him just wanted to get up and leave. Not only did he feel extremely uncomfortable by the whole thing, he just didn’t see the point in bringing up all these bad memories and force the poor girl to face the horrors of her past. The damage was already done.

I know you can’t change the past, no one can. But think about it. You had to go through it all alone. And now, you can make sure this little girl won’t have to.

He could suddenly hear Buffy’s voice in his head, just as clear had she been in the same room. Buffy had made it clear – over and over again – that she believed in him, having been convinced that he could help this girl, that he could make a difference. And he didn’t want to let her down. But he just didn’t know what he was supposed to say to Emily. It didn’t seem fair of Gunn to lay this kind of responsibility on him, but it was obvious that the other man was desperate.

And truth to be told, Spike couldn’t really blame him. Gunn was just looking out for his family. Emily was an innocent victim in all of this, just like him. However, she was just a little kid; no one could possibly expect her to deal with the aftermath of the sexual abuse on her own. She probably didn’t even understand just what it was Ethan had been doing to her. Unfortunately Spike did, even though it had taken him years to figure it out for himself.

From what he had seen so far, the girl was obviously a little withdrawn, but other than that, she seemed perfectly normal. Spike had gotten the impression that she would be completely traumatized. Then again, he could see why Gunn was so concerned. Deep down, Spike realized that shutting off every single emotion for years and refusing to deal with the painful past – like he had done himself – wasn’t healthy. The kind of life he had been living before he met Buffy was not a life he would wish on anyone.

Suddenly he found himself speaking, without even realizing it. “Look, Emily, I know some bad things happened to you recently.” The girl looked up, clearly startled, but didn’t say anything. Spike went on; “Gunn... I mean, you uncle, told me he’s really worried about you.”

Emily just kept looking at him, a blank expression on her face. Then she turned her eyes back to the TV, although Spike suddenly got the feeling she was not actually aware of what was happening on the screen. “My mom died,” she finally said in a small voice.

“Yeah, I know.” Spike hesitated. “You know, my mum died, too. Couple of weeks ago.”

Glancing at him, Emily was clearly torn between wanting to know more, or simply avoiding the subject. Eventually, her curiosity won. “Really? Are you sad?”

“Um...” Great, how was he supposed to respond to that without sounding like an insensitive prick? Spike then rolled his eyes, deciding that it was probably best to just be honest. “No, can’t say that I am.”

Emily got an unreadable look on her face, but when she spoke, she didn’t sound accusing, just confused. “Uncle Charles says you’re supposed to be sad when someone dies.”

“Yeah, well...” Spike sighed, wishing – and not for the first time – that someone else would be here to handle this. “In your case, he’s right. I bet your mum loved you very much.”

“I guess so. Sure.” Emily sounded surprised, clearly having taken her mother’s love for granted. Spike felt relieved for the girl’s sake; at least one of them were lucky enough to have the memories of a loving parent. At the same time, he couldn’t help but feel a small pang in his chest, selfishly wishing it would have been him. However, he quickly pushed that thought to the back of his mind.

She became quiet, and Spike could imagine a million questions taking form inside the little girl’s head. Holding his breath, he silently prayed he would be able to answer at least some of them. But when minutes had passed and Emily still remained silent, he realized that whatever questions she may have, she was obviously going to keep them to herself.

He cleared his throat. “Mind telling me what’s going on in that head of yours, little bit?”

At first, she didn’t answer. For a moment, she just looked at him, her head tilted to the side as she bit her lip, thoughtfully. Then she looked down, her fingers drawing patterns on the couch. “Was your mom hit by a car, too?”

“Um, no.” Okay, so he had wanted to be honest with her. But there was just no way he would tell an eight-year-old about how his mother had downed a bottle of sleeping pills like it was candy before conveniently placing herself on his bed for him to find and deal with best he could. “She was sick.” It wasn’t exactly a lie.

“Oh.” Emily nodded in understanding. “I used to have a bunny named Ralph. Then he got sick, so my mom took him to the vet.” A pause. “He’s dead now, too.”

“I see. Sorry to hear that.” Spike hesitated. “Maybe your uncle would let you have another bunny. Have you asked?”

“No.” She shook her head. “I don’t want another bunny. I want my mom back.”

“Of course you do.” Spike didn’t know what else to say. To tell the truth, he had no idea how it felt like to really mourn the loss of a parent. The only thing he could remember feeling after finding out about Drusilla’s death was some kind of strange relief. That, and of course guilt for not being able to mourn his mother, not missing her even a little bit. It felt wrong somehow. But he couldn’t change the way he felt about her, not even after her death.

But this was not what he was supposed to talk to Emily about, not why Gunn had practically begged him to come here tonight. Gunn wanted him to talk about Ethan, and the sexual abuse he had put the girl through. So, how would he begin, how was he going to bring it up in the first place? And more importantly; would he actually be able to go through with it without losing himself to the painful memories of his own past?

Only one way to find out, Spike thought, grimly. And he might as well get it over with. Taking a deep breath, he looked Emily right in the eyes. “Emily? Do you wanna tell me about the man who hurt you?”


TBC

Spike instantly realized that jumping straight to the point like that had been a mistake, seeing how the girl immediately seemed to close up like a clam, staring at him with wide eyes and an alarmed look on her face. Silently cursing himself for being so blunt about it, he hurried on, thinking quickly; “Just hear me out, bit. Yeah, I know about that. Your uncle told me. But he only did it because he thought I could help you.” He hesitated, choosing his next words carefully. “’Cause that man – Ethan...” Interrupting himself, he glanced at Emily and couldn’t help but notice the way she flinched when she heard the name. He couldn’t blame her.

He swallowed. This wasn’t fair, neither to Emily, nor to him. He shouldn’t have to do this. The poor girl looked like she was ready to bolt, and he knew exactly how she felt. Then he suddenly remembered how he had reacted in the beginning when Buffy had so desperately tried to get him to open up to her, trying to make him see that he could trust her. Terrified of letting her come too close, he had pushed her away, over and over again, anything so he wouldn’t have to deal with what happened. But Buffy had been stubborn, and for that, he would always be grateful.

Of course, he hadn’t felt like that at the time. But now he realized that by being so stubborn, Buffy had actually saved him from the pathetic excuse for a life he had been living. He didn’t even want to think about where he would be today if it hadn’t been for Buffy, if she hadn’t been so persistent and managed to nestle her way into his bruised and battered heart. Looking at this little girl now made him see his own situation from a whole new perspective. It was just not possible, trying to escape your past. Because sooner or later, it would always come back to haunt you. And the sooner Emily would realize that as well, the better for her.

Taking a deep breath, he finally went on; “...Ethan, he did the same thing to me.”


*~*~*

Buffy left the bathroom and reluctantly headed back towards the kitchen. Suddenly she could hear Spike’s voice, coming from the living room, and stopped in her tracks, immediately realizing he had to be talking to Emily. Once again her heart went out to him, knowing how difficult – not to mention strange – this whole situation had to be for him. A part of her longed to go check on him, make sure he was okay. But she didn’t want to interrupt them if Spike had actually managed to find a way to get through to the girl. If she would just barge in on them, who knew how Emily would react.

Besides, Buffy was well aware of the fact that she couldn’t protect Spike forever. There were certain things he would just have to learn to deal with by himself, otherwise he would never be able to truly heal and move on. She had a feeling that – deep down – Spike knew that as well. And trying to help Emily was one of those things. So, instead of going to him, Buffy reluctantly turned in the other direction, intending to head back to the kitchen and wait for Spike there. She had faith in him. If he needed her, he would let her know.


*~*~*

Emily tilted her head to the side as she eyed him warily, clearly not sure what to think. She opened her mouth, then closed it again as she lowered her eyes. Spike watched her, uncertainly, for a moment before he spoke again; “Your uncle wanted me to talk to you about what happened, about what that man did to you.” He could see how the girl tensed up, but other than that, she showed no reaction. So, he went on; “But I’m not gonna do that.”

She immediately looked up, surprise and confusion evident on her face. Her eyes narrowed as she watched him, suspiciously, like she wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him. Still, she did not say a word. Instead she just kept looking at him, fearfully waiting for him to go on, like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Spike felt a wave of sympathy welling up inside him; it was painfully obvious that she didn’t quite trust him yet. In fact, maybe the girl would never be able to truly trust another human being again, thanks to Ethan.

“I mean it.” Spike was surprised by his own words, having no idea where they were coming from. He had been about to tell Emily about his own experiences with Ethan, trying to get her to open up to him. Because he knew that it was what Gunn had expected him to do, what Gunn thought would be best for his niece. But suddenly he just knew that he wasn’t going to do that, because that was not what Emily needed right now. Gunn didn’t understand, couldn’t possibly understand what she needed. However, Spike did.

Spike didn’t even know what he was going to say until he heard the words come out of his mouth. “I’m not gonna make you tell me what happened. Just want you to know that I understand. ‘Cause I’ve been there myself.” He paused. “Just remember this: Whatever you may think, whatever he told you – none of it was ever your fault. What he did to you was wrong; he was a sick bast...” He quickly corrected himself; “...a sick man, and he had no right to hurt you in any way.”

He realized that while he was trying to make Emily see the truth, he was also partly trying to convince himself. And he was a little surprised to find that he actually believed his own words. Emily had done nothing to deserve such a horrible treatment, and neither had he. They were both innocent victims of the same cruel, cold-hearted abuser; a man who was now – finally – out of their lives for good and would never be able to hurt either one of them again.

The whole time he had been speaking, Emily had yet to say a word. But Spike could see that – although she still wouldn’t meet his eyes – she was actually listening. “Look, Emily, s’important that you understand that there was nothing you could do to stop him. And...” He hesitated, suddenly not sure how to explain, how to make her really understand how serious he was. Because what he needed to tell her next might just be the most important thing of all.

For some reason, Emily seemed to realize that his next words were important, because she finally looked up at him, her big, brown eyes meeting his. She gave him a questioning look.

Spike let out a shuddering breath. “You need to believe in yourself, believe that you are a good girl. Because you are. You may not feel comfortable talking about it right now, and it’s okay. But you have to remember that sooner or later, you’re gonna have to let it all out. Because if you don’t, if you just keep everything inside you, you’re gonna end up hating yourself. You have people who really care about you, people who wanna be able to help you.” Spike paused for a moment. “It’s important that you let them do that. Don’t push ‘em away.”

Emily glanced at him but still didn’t say anything. Still, Spike knew that he had her full attention. He let out a sigh. “Believe me, bit, I know what I’m talking about. Didn’t handle things very well myself, still trying to learn how to deal with it all. Don’t want you to end up like me.” He paused again. “Know what I’m saying?” She looked at him with wide eyes. Then, she nodded, slowly. Spike gave her a small smile. “Good girl.”


TBC

When Spike returned to the kitchen after what felt like hours, Buffy was practically sitting on the edge of her seat, and although she was dying to find out every single detail about his talk with Emily, she managed to remain calm. Instead she just gave him a questioning look, to which he responded by simply mouthing a ‘later’. Holding back a sigh, she got up and made herself busy helping Fred clear the table while Spike took Gunn aside, speaking to the other man, quietly. Buffy couldn’t help but cast a glance in their direction, wishing she could hear what they were saying.

She wasn’t too surprised when Spike shortly thereafter, politely but firmly, announced that they were leaving. He had clearly done what he came here to do and it was obvious that he didn’t want to stick around and make with the small-talk. Still, he didn’t seem upset, just somewhat uncomfortable. Buffy could relate to that. Trying not to let her relief show, she politely thanked both Gunn and Fred for inviting them over. Finally, they could go home.

About thirty minutes later, Buffy and Spike were back at her house, sitting on the couch in the living room, each with a large cup of steaming hot chocolate. Glancing at Spike, Buffy snuggled closer to him and let out a happy sigh when he immediately put his arm around her shoulders. She bit her lip, thoughtfully, wondering if she should say something. He had been quiet on the way back, and she didn’t want to push him. But now, the silence was starting to make her nervous.

As if he had been able to read her mind, Spike sighed, his fingers playing softly with her hair. “Sorry, luv. Know you wanna hear about what happened. Just not sure what to say.”

She gave him a worried look. “Was it that bad?”

“No, s’just...” He hesitated. “Kid didn’t say much. Told her I knew what happened and that I’d been there myself. Tried to make her see she needs to let it all out and not keep it inside her forever.” He let out a bitter laugh. “Kinda make me sound like a soddin’ hypocrite, doesn’t it? Seeing how I’ve done the exact opposite myself.” A pause. “Hell, didn’t even know where the words were coming from, I just...”

“You knew it was the right thing to do,” Buffy finished, taking his hand and squeezing it, gently. “It doesn’t make you a hypocrite, sweetie. Quite the opposite, if you ask me.” Their eyes met. “You did a really good thing tonight, you know that, right?” He lowered his eyes, but she put her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “I mean it, Spike. I know it had to take a lot of courage to do what you did, and I’m so proud of you.”

“Yeah, well...” Spike shrugged, clearly a little embarrassed. “Don’t know if what I told her helped, just didn’t want her to end up like me. Kid’s still got a long way to go, don’t think she’s ready to talk about it just yet.”

“That’s understandable.” Buffy rested her head on his shoulder and Spike wrapped both his arms around her. “But now, thanks to you, some day she hopefully will be.” She paused. “Now, the question is; are you?” Frowning, he pulled back a little, giving her a confused look, and she hurried to explain; “We’re going to see the therapist tomorrow, remember? Just wanted to make sure you’re really okay with that.”

Grimacing a little, Spike slumped back into the couch. “Was kinda hoping that if I wouldn’t bring it up, you’d forget about it.” The look he gave her told Buffy he wasn’t really serious, but she suspected that he was only half joking. She opened her mouth, but he went on; “Seriously, does it really matter if I’m okay with it or not? We’re still doing it, right?”

“Spike...” Buffy hesitated for a moment. “Look, I know you don’t really wanna go. But deep down, you have to know it’s the right thing to do. I mean, otherwise you wouldn’t have told Emily what you did.”

“I know.” Spike sighed. “It’s just...”

“Sweetie, it’s okay to be afraid.” He opened his mouth to object, but Buffy raised her hand to stop him. “Don’t lie to me and tell me you’re not, ‘cause I know you are.” She paused. “Honestly? I am, too.”

He raised a brow in surprise. “What do you have to be afraid of? I’m the one who’s screwed up here, remember?”

Buffy gave him an annoyed look. “Okay, that’s just ridiculous and you know it.”

“Is it?” Spike let out a snort. “Look, I meant what I said to Emily, all right? Didn’t just make it up; she needs to talk about what happened. Know I do, too, least I know it in here.” He pointed at his head. “But that doesn’t mean...”

“I know.” Buffy swallowed. “Look, Spike, I don’t wanna force you to do something you’re not ready for. If you honestly believe that seeing this therapist isn’t going to help, if you really feel we’d just be waisting our time going there, then tell me now. I’ll call the whole thing off and I won’t bring it up again.”

The thing was, he knew she meant every single word. Buffy would cancel their appointment in a heartbeat if she actually thought it was what he really wanted. And while a part of him ached to say yes, he knew deep down he could never do that. She may be a little pushy sometimes, but the truth was, Buffy did nothing without his best interest in mind. Besides, she didn’t have to offer to go with him to the therapist in the first place, but she had, partly to be able to understand him better like she’d said, sure, but Spike knew the main reason was so she could just be there for him.

He had known all along, of course, and at first, he had only agreed because he didn’t want to let her down. But talking to Emily had made him see just how badly he needed to let it all out once and for all as well. Then again, what he needed and what he actually wanted was two completely different matters. Not that he didn’t want to be able to move on, but it was the idea of what he still had to go through to get there that scared him. And, naturally, Buffy was perfectly aware of his fears, no matter how hard he would struggle to hide how he really felt.

Not that he really had any reason to hide anything from her anymore. He had come to realize that he didn’t always have to be strong for her; Buffy would always love him, no matter what. But a part of him still found it a bit difficult to let his weakness show, not wanting to come out like a pathetic ponce. He just had to learn to remember that even if that was how he still sometimes would see himself, Buffy clearly felt differently. And that only made him love her more. He suddenly realized that he felt completely safe with Buffy; he would trust her with his life.

Now she was looking at him, a questioning look on her face as she patiently waited for his answer. He knew that he could tell her to cancel their session, and she would do it without arguing. Well, probably not much, anyway. He sighed and pulled her back into his arms, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. “Nah. I’m doing this; no backing out now.” Then he frowned, correcting himself; “We’re doing this. Right?” He could tell – by the way she immediately relaxed in his arms – that he had made the right decision.

Buffy nodded, her face buried in his chest so he wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes. “Yeah.” Her voice sounded muffled.

Spike pulled back, his eyes narrowing. “You cryin’?”

“No.” She sniffled a little.

He rolled his eyes, gently brushing away her tears. “No need for that, pet, s’gonna be fine.” She gave him a watery smile and he went on; “Really, Buffy, I’m okay with this. Not saying it’s gonna be easy, but we’ll get through it.”

Despite his assuring words, the look on his face told Buffy that he was in a desperate need for her confirmation. She inhaled, shakily, praying that her voice wouldn’t fail her. “Of course we will.”

He kissed her then, gently and somewhat hesitating at first, however, the kiss soon became more brave and demanding. Buffy let out a soft moan in response as he kept running his fingers through her long hair; she could just lose herself in his touch and wished that he would keep kissing her forever. Then he let his hand slowly wander down her back and slip under her shirt, tenderly stroking her soft skin, and Buffy froze in her tracks; she had not seen that coming. Snapping out of the shock, a happy smile spread on her face.


TBC

Spike kept stroking her back – until his hand suddenly reached the hook of her bra – and he seemed to freeze in his tracks. Buffy just wanted to scream. That, or possibly beg him not to stop touching her. But she did not dare open her mouth, terrified that she would say the wrong thing and scare him away. It wasn’t like Spike had never touched her before, but there had been something about the way he let his hand slowly wander over her body that made her feel like something had changed, although she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

So why had he suddenly stopped? She was afraid of asking, certain that she wouldn’t like the answer. And the last thing she wanted to do now was making him feel uncomfortable. Buffy’s mind was racing, desperately trying to figure out if she had done something wrong. She noticed that he still kept his hand under her shirt, though; he had yet to pull away. Instead he seemed to hesitate, and she could feel him tense up a little, like he wasn’t sure of what to do next. Oh!

As she was silently debating with herself whether or not she should say something, trying to make him a little more at ease without humiliating them both in the process, Spike suddenly spoke up, quietly; “This okay, luv?”

“Huh?” Clearly, her mind wasn’t working. Otherwise she would have managed to come up with something a little less pathetic. “What?” Oh, and that was so much better! Buffy forced back a groan. He pulled back a little, and she almost wept with frustration.

Spike tilted his head to the side, watching her closely. “This okay?” he repeated, a note of fear in his voice. “Me touching you like this?”

“Yes!” she gasped, horrified that he would think – even for a moment – that he could ever touch her in a way she wouldn’t completely approve of. She belonged to him – body and soul – hadn’t he figured that out by now? He could touch her any way he wanted, preferably forever. “Yes,” she repeated, her eyes searching his as she silently begged him to believe her. “It’s totally okay. Please...” She lowered her eyes, suddenly too embarrassed to ask him to continue.

Letting out the breath he had been holding, Spike shifted a little on the couch, trying to find a more comfortable position for both of them. Then he placed a shaky hand on Buffy’s cheek and let his lips brush against hers, not missing how she closed her eyes as their lips met. To say that he was nervous would be a huge understatement; he was absolutely terrified. But just not for the reasons Buffy might think.

It was like – all of the sudden – not only did the idea of making love to Buffy not scare him half to death, but in fact seem rather appealing. He wasn’t sure exactly what had changed, all he knew was that he was no longer afraid of taking their relationship to the next level. For as long as he could remember, he had dreaded the mere thought of sex, but he now realized that he had nothing to fear, as long as he was with Buffy.

He also realized there was a huge difference between making love to the woman he loved, and the humiliating abuse Ethan had put him through over the years. For one thing, that had never been about love, or even sex. For Ethan, it had always been about satisfying his own, twisted needs. That, and of course, power. Meeting little Emily had finally made Spike see that it had not even been about him. Not really, anyway. Ethan had been a sick man who needed to hurt other people to feel good about himself; he got off on seeing their pain.

For more than ten years, Spike had literally been trapped in hell, left at the mercy of a man who could only be described as a monster. Now, when his tormentor was finally gone, he would be damned if he let that bastard keep his power over him even from his grave. It was time to let go of the past, and move on. And he didn’t even have to do it alone. Because the woman sitting next to him had turned out to be his salvation.

What worried him now, however, was that he had absolutely no idea how to go on from here. Of course, Buffy was already aware of the fact that he was technically a virgin – even if he had never said it out loud – and it hadn’t really bothered him before, but things were different now. Even though she had to know that he completely lacked of experience, surely she would still have at least some kind of expectations, right? What if he would fail to live up to them, what if he wouldn’t be good enough? What if they would finally make love, and she would hate it?

A part of him knew – at least deep down – that it was most unlikely. Still, he couldn’t quite shake the feeling of not being able to be the man she deserved, not being worthy. He wouldn’t breathe a word about that to Buffy, though, she would just be upset. Accusing him of not trusting her enough. She just wouldn’t understand that it had nothing to do with trust, because he did trust her, he trusted her with his life. No, the problem was just his barely existing self-esteem.

But he didn’t want to let that stop him. Just being this close to Buffy made him almost painfully hard, and they still had all their clothes on. He swallowed, silently praying that he would be able to keep his voice steady. “Do... Do you wanna, um, go upstairs?” Oh, bloody great! He couldn’t even ask her a normal question without stuttering like a bleedin’ ponce!

“Oh.” Buffy’s eyes widened in surprise. “I... Do you?” Then she mentally cursed her stupidity; why couldn’t she just answer normally when he asked her a question? It was almost painfully obvious how nervous he was, and she surely didn’t make it any easier for him. But the thing was, she was beyond nervous herself. She had been with other guys before, but there had never been any real feelings involved, at least nothing compared to how she now felt for Spike. So in a way, it would be her first time as well.

The idea of making love to Spike was both wonderful and terrifying at the same time. They had been together for a while now, and to tell the truth, she had longed for them to finally go all the way in their relationship for quite some time. Of course, she had known better than to push him about it, knowing that it had to be up to him to let her know when – or if – he was ready. Could this be it? She bit her lip, nervously, unsure of what to do.

Spike let out a nervous chuckle. “Wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t, pet.”

“Right. Of course. Um...” Buffy blushed. Her heart was beating faster and faster inside her chest and she was dangerously close to panicking. How would he want to do this? Did he expect her to take the lead, seeing how this was a completely new territory for him, or would something like that offend him?

He frowned, surprised at the worried expression on her face. If he didn’t know any better, he would think that she was just as nervous as he was. Reaching for her hand, he placed a gentle kiss on her palm, forcing himself to relax. Then he stood up, his hand still squeezing hers. Without a word, he gently pulled her up on her feet. Buffy gave him a soft smile, and for some reason, she looked almost relieved, although he wasn’t sure why. It didn’t really matter, though, all he cared about at the moment was the fact that she didn’t object.

Buffy opened her mouth to say something, then decided against it. Anything she could possibly come up with right now would just sound lame, or even worse; stupid. Besides, she had a feeling that he could already see right into her heart; at this moment, no words were necessary. Because they both knew what was going to happen; there was no reason to say it out loud.

Instead, their lips met in a soft, tender kiss. Then, hands still entwined, they slowly headed for the stairs.


TBC

As Spike laid down next to her on the bed, Buffy didn’t miss the way his hands were trembling. She wanted to tell him to relax, tell him that all of this was new and scary for her as well, but she remained quiet. She was still half convinced that simply by opening her mouth, she would manage to break the spell and ruin everything. In a way, she felt like she was just about to cross a mine field; one rash move, and everything would be over. She had never been more nervous in her life. Nor as excited.

Oblivious to her inner struggles, Spike ran his fingers slowly over her stomach for a moment, until he reached the edge of her shirt. He gave her a questioning look. “Can I...?”

She just nodded, shifting slightly on the bed to give him better access. After a brief moment’s hesitation, he pulled the shirt over her head. Watching her for a moment – with such intensity that it made her blush – he then gave her a shaky smile. “Beautiful,” he murmured.

Trying her best not to melt into a big puddle of goo, Buffy swallowed hard. Longing for him to touch her, she reached for the hook of her bra, intending to take it off, but he put his hand on hers to stop her. “Let me,” he whispered, his arms slipping around her. Waiting patiently while he struggled with the hook, she rewarded him with a sweet smile when he was finally able to take it off and let it drop to the floor.

She could see how badly he wanted to touch her, but he was obviously still a little uncertain how to take things further. Wondering briefly if such a bold act would make him uncomfortable, she quickly dismissed that thought and took his hand, gently placing it on top of her breast. His eyes widened for a moment, then a shy smile spread on his face and he started moving his hand, slowly stroking her smooth skin. She let out a soft moan, her hands fumbling with his black t-shirt.

Realizing what she was trying to do, he let go of her for a moment, allowing her to slip the t-shirt over his head. He couldn’t quite hide the smug look on his face as he noticed the way her eyes ran over his upper body, and she all but licked her lips. “See something you like, pet?”

“Mm-hm.” She let her fingers softly trace over his chest, mimicking his word to her; “Beautiful.”

Lowering his eyes for a moment, he then wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. “Buffy...” he mumbled.

“Shh...” She interrupted him. “Spike, I love you.”

He pulled back in surprise, his eyes meeting hers. “Love you, too.”

“I know.” Buffy smiled a little. “Sweetie, you trust me, right?” He just nodded. “Then would you do something for me without asking why?” Eying her a little suspiciously, he nodded again. Her smile widened. “All right. On your back.”

Spike opened his mouth, then closed it again, clearly deciding to do as she asked and not ask any questions. Instead he just shrugged and leaned back against the pillows, which alone told her how much he had really come to trust her. Blinking back tears, she took a deep breath, hoping her voice wouldn’t break. “Close your eyes.” He raised a brow, but obeyed.

Hesitating a little, Buffy took a moment to just watch him, knowing she hadn’t been exaggerating. Maybe, if given some time, she would be able to come up with an even better word to describe him than ‘beautiful’, but right now, it would have to do. She felt almost dizzy, not quite believing they had actually come this far. But here they were, and she was willing to do anything to make him not regret his decision about trusting her. It was time to show Spike that love could be so much more than just sweet words and kissing.

Although she wouldn’t mind just lying there watching him all night, Buffy decided that enough was enough and jumped into action. Brushing her lips briefly against his, she then started peppering his chest with feather light, soft kisses. Pausing for a moment, she glanced at him to see his reaction. The blissful look on his face told her that he was more than okay with it, so she went on. Her hand slowly wandered over his perfectly sculptured body, only to pause when it reached the button of his jeans.

Feeling him tense up, ever so slightly, she immediately pulled back her hand. His eyes snapped open and he gave her a questioning look, his face a mixture of surprise and disappointment. Giving him an assuring smile, she leaned over and kissed him, letting her mouth do the talking without words. His lips parted, allowing their tongues to meet, and she could feel him relax again as his arms slipped around her waist.

Realizing that his body ached to experience what his mind was still not quite ready for, Buffy just wanted to weep for him. Struggling to get her emotions under control, she leaned into his embrace, her body melting against his. “Love you,” she breathed huskily, her fingers brushing over his cheek. “Love you so much.” He didn’t answer, just closed his eyes again and tightened his grip around her. Buffy could feel his chest rise and fall with every breath he took, and found herself wondering if he was able to hear how fast her heart was beating.

A moment later, he let go of her, letting his arms drop to the side – which she took as a sign that he was ready for her to go on. Hesitating briefly, Buffy then pulled back a little. “You can touch me, too, you know,” she whispered. “Any way you want.” Seeing the uncertain look on his face, she took a deep breath, her hand moving to her pink and white sweat pants. “I could take these off.”

Looking at her for a moment, Spike then shook his head. “No.”

“Oh.” Buffy’s face fell, and she desperately tried not to let her disappointment show. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...”

Spike interrupted her, gently putting a strand of hair behind her ear. “Just meant that I’d rather be the one doing it for you, luv.” A pause. “If you want me to, that is.” Her eyes widened and she could only nod in response. Letting out the breath he had been holding, he easily pulled her pants down, moving quickly before he would lose his courage. Realizing how much his hands were shaking when he touched her, he almost laughed.

Then he noticed the white, silky thong she was wearing under her pants, and gulped. He knew Buffy was watching him, but suddenly couldn’t bring himself to meet her eyes. She was beautiful, perfect, effulgent. And she was all his; his to explore, love and cherish. But somehow, it all just seemed too good to be true. Could it be for real? A part of him still feared that it was all a dream, that he would wake up any minute now and find himself once again alone in a hard and cruel reality.

“Spike?”

He looked up, seeing the worried expression on Buffy’s face. “I’m fine, luv. Just give me a sec.”

Buffy was quiet for a moment. “If this is going too fast...”

“No!” Putting a trembling hand on her cheek, he desperately tried to force back the wave of panic, suddenly threatening to well up inside him. “Buffy, I just...” He hesitated, wanting to explain what he was feeling but not knowing how. A somewhat hysterical laugh escaped from his throat. “Think I’m losing it, here. Just tell me this is really happening.” Buffy opened her mouth, but he went on; “Seriously, I’m not just making it all up, am I? Cause in that case...”

Interrupting his ramblings, Buffy gently took his face between his hands and pulled him in for a deep kiss. When she finally pulled back, they were both gasping for air. “That seem real enough for you?”

He couldn’t help but chuckle. “Think so. Sorry, luv, I know I’m being a git about this.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “You’re not. Whatever that is. Look, Spike, if you’re not ready...”

“No, I am.” He let out a sigh, his eyes begging her to believe him. “I’m ready, Buffy, I really am. Guess I freaked out for a minute, but it won’t happen again. I wanna do this.”

“Spike, listen to me.” Buffy looked him right in the eyes, a serious look on her face. “If you’re not ready...” He opened his mouth to object, but she raised her hand to stop him. “Just hear me out. If you’re not ready – that’s okay. And if you are...” She realized that she had his full attention and went on; “If you are, and then when we’re in the middle of it, you’ll change your mind, that’s okay too. Just say the word, and we’ll stop. I won’t mind, I mean it.”

“Right.” He was silent for a moment. “Look, Buffy, I’m ready. Never been more sure ‘bout anything. And just so you know...” Spike paused. “You’re bloody gorgeous.” Her cheeks turned red and she lowered her eyes. “Don’t do that,” he pleaded. “Look at me.” He waited for her to raise her eyes again. “I’m ready,” he repeated, firmly. And he meant it. To prove his point, he slowly moved his hand to unbutton his jeans, his eyes never leaving hers.

Buffy didn’t say anything. Instead, she just reached out to help him pull his pants down, hesitating only for a moment to make sure he was okay with her doing it for him. But he just shifted a little on the bed, lifting his hips to make it easier for her, and a moment later, his black jeans dropped to the floor.


TBC

At first he reached for the blanket, intending to cover himself up, but then let his hand drop. Spike couldn’t stop staring at the golden goddess in front of him; she was absolutely stunning. Swallowing hard, he ran his fingers down her arm, suddenly extremely grateful that he no longer had his jeans on. Buffy was lying on her side, watching him devour her with his eyes, and gave him a soft smile. After a brief moment’s hesitation, she took his hand and placed it on her left thigh.

His eyes widened a little but he didn’t object. Instead he just started caressing her thigh, slowly, causing her to let out a soft moan. “Tell me what to do,” he whispered.

“You’re doing great, sweetie. Just keep touching me...” Buffy paused. “You can take it off if you want,” she then mumbled, quietly, a somewhat uncertain note in her voice like she wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted to, but hoping nevertheless.

Spike found himself glancing at her thong. He opened his mouth, then closed it again and nodded, suddenly not trusting his voice. As he managed to get the small, silky piece of fabric off her – amazingly enough without tearing it to shreds – he felt himself get even harder, something he hadn’t thought possible. He longed to touch her, and at the same time, his entire body ached for her to touch him as well. “Please...” He almost cringed at the pleading note in his voice. “Buffy, I need...”

“What?” she breathed, her leg brushing against his and her arms finding their way around him, like she was afraid he would suddenly just disappear. Leaning in to kiss him, she then pulled back a little, looking at him hopefully. “Tell me, baby. What do you need?”

“You,” he gasped, inhaling shakily as she gently slipped her hand inside his boxers and started stroking his almost painfully hard cock, her eyes locked on his as she clearly wanted to make sure he was okay with her actions, fully prepared to pull back should he show even the slightest sign of not being completely comfortable. Wanting to assure her but not finding the words, he just closed his eyes, letting wave after wave of pleasure wash over him.

“You sure?” Her hand never stopped stroking him as she raised her eyes to look at him, a soft expression on her face. He just nodded, and Buffy let out the breath she had been holding. “Okay,” she whispered. “Come here. Get on top of me.”

Rolling over so he was straddling her, Spike tried not to let his relief show. Being on top made him feel like he was completely in control of the situation, which – he suspected – was the reason why Buffy had suggested that position. She never ceased to amaze him, the way she just knew exactly what he needed without him ever having to say it out loud. This was it. Although he was still a bit nervous about not being able to satisfy her like she deserved, he couldn’t help but feel oddly excited. He gave her a soft smile. “Love you.” For some reason, he barely recognized his own voice.

She responded by pulling him down for another kiss, at the same time gently guiding him inside her. As he let out a small gasp of equal surprise and pleasure – shocked at how easily he slid into her – Buffy closed her eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to do the same, not able to stop looking at her. Then she slipped her arms around him and started moving her hips, slowly up and down, and he was lost. His eyes rolled back in his head and he could do little more than simply mimicking her movements, thrusting deeper and deeper inside her, and a small groan left his throat.

The only thing Spike was aware of was the beautiful woman in his arms; suddenly nothing else existed in the world but the two of them. He was amazed at how tight she was, and at the same time, he seemed to fit inside her perfectly, like they had simply been made for each other. Like in a fog, he suddenly got the feeling that his entire life so far had been leading up to this very moment, like he had finally found his way home after being lost for an eternity. The feeling of being inside her was breathtaking, intoxicating, almost like a drug, and he just couldn’t get enough of her.

Hearing Buffy cry out his name made him feel strangely warm inside and he started pumping faster and faster, for a moment almost afraid he would hurt her but quickly shoving the fear aside. Judging by the adorable little moans and whimpers she kept letting out, Buffy enjoyed this just as much as he did and he didn’t have to worry about hurting her in any way. Never in a million years had he ever expected to feel anything even remotely close to what he felt in that moment.

“Oh God,” she whimpered, squeezing him even tighter. “Don’t stop, please, don’t...”

He wanted it to last forever, never wanting to leave the safe little bubble he and Buffy had created together, completely wrapped up in each other and totally oblivious to the rest of the world, and he knew that if they kept going, he would come within mere seconds. So he tried to hold back, struggling desperately to slow down his pace a little, not wanting to disappoint her by coming so soon. However, doing so turned out to be pure torture as he felt like his entire body was on fire. “Can’t...” he gasped, suddenly feeling like he couldn’t breathe – but it was not a totally unpleasant feeling. “Buffy, luv, I can’t...”

Realizing how hard he was struggling to keep from losing control completely, Buffy took pity on him. “It’s okay, just let go,” she whispered, her fingers running soothingly through his bleached blonde curls. He grunted something in agreement, catching her lips with his and kissing her hungrily, clearly relieved.

As he kept kissing her, his arms shaking from the effort of holding himself up, Buffy felt the exact moment he came, releasing his warm, sticky fluid inside her. He trembled for a moment and she could feel him jerk a couple of times before finally collapsing on top of her with an exhausted sigh.


*~*~*

Five minutes later, Buffy was still a little out of breath. Panting, she glanced at Spike. He had reluctantly rolled off her and was now lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling. She nudged him, carefully, and he turned his face towards her. “You okay?”

“Huh?” He rolled his eyes, annoyed at himself for not paying more attention. The last thing he wanted was for Buffy to look at him with that concerned look on her face, thinking that something might be wrong. Especially since he couldn’t remember ever feeling better. “Sorry, pet. Guess my mind’s not working quite yet.”

She smiled a little. “You were being so quiet; I was starting to get worried I broke you.”

He couldn’t help it; he burst out laughing. “No worries, luv. I’d say, quite the opposite.”

“Really?” Buffy turned her eyes away, suddenly almost shy. “Does that mean...? I mean, was it...? Was I...?” She hesitated, not daring to look at him. “You liked it?”

“Did I...?” Spike stared at her in disbelief. “You’re joking, right?” She finally glanced at him, a serious expression on her face, and he raised a brow; “Okay, if you couldn’t even tell I enjoyed it, I’m starting to think I did it all wrong.”

“God, no, that’s so not what I...!” Realizing that he was just teasing her, she pouted a little. “Very funny. You have any idea how nervous I’ve been about this?”

Immediately turning serious, he looked at her in confusion. “You? Why?”

“Why do you think?” She laid her head down to rest on his chest, closing her eyes as he started stroking her hair. “I wanted our first time to be perfect so you wouldn’t regret it. Or hate it.” A pause. “Or feel like I was pushing you into doing something you weren’t really ready for,” she finished in a small voice.

He sighed. “Buffy, I told you...”

“I know.” She shifted a little so she could look at him. “I’m being silly, aren’t I?”

“A little.” He chuckled. “Buffy, it was perfect. I mean it.” He paused. “And the only thing I regret is that I wasn’t able to last longer.”

Buffy watched him closely for a moment, as if trying to see if he really meant it. Then she seemed to relax and snuggled closer to him again, smiling happily as he started drawing patterns on her bare stomach. “You were amazing.”

His hand stopped and he let out a snort. “Right. A real pro.”

She glared at him. “Don’t do that!” He gave her a questioning look, and she sighed, explaining; “Don’t put yourself down like that. I was serious, you know. Why can’t you just accept a compliment instead of turning it into a joke?” He didn’t answer, just shrugged and looked away.

For a moment, neither of them spoke. Then Spike wrapped his arms around her, hugging her carefully. “I’m sorry.”

Buffy slipped her hand into his. “For what?”

“For being a git, as usual.” He was quiet for a moment, not sure of what else to say. Buffy was right, of course. A part of him still found it a bit difficult to believe that someone actually thought so much of him as Buffy did. On the other hand, for as long as he could remember, he had repeatedly been told just how worthless he was; it wasn’t that easy to just get over something like that.

“I love you, you know.”

He gave her a startled look. “I know that.”

She nodded. “I know you do. I just felt like saying it.”

It wasn’t easy to let go of the past and move on. But at least Buffy made him feel like he was heading in the right direction. He smiled. “And I’ll never get tired of hearing it.”


TBC

”What do you wanna do tonight?” Spike kept running his fingers up and down Buffy’s arm, silently hoping it didn’t involve getting out of bed. He would be perfectly happy just staying like this forever – with the girl he loved, tightly wrapped up in his arms – and if he never had to move again, he wouldn’t really complain. Although he figured it might be just a little bit uncomfortable after a week or two.

Buffy turned her face towards him, thinking for a moment. “I don’t know. We could just stay here, I guess, maybe watch a movie or something.” She paused, remembering something. “That is if you don’t mind possibly having to share the couch with my mom. She’s coming home tonight.”

“Oh, right.” Spike was quiet for a moment. “So, what are you gonna tell her?”

She frowned. “About what?” He just looked at her, an incredulous look on his face, and she let out a sigh as understanding hit her. “Oh. You mean about everything that’s happened while she’s been away.”

“Yeah, that.” Spike reluctantly pulled himself up in a sitting position and she did the same.

To tell the truth, Buffy hadn’t even thought about it. She supposed she owed her mother at least some kind of explanation, especially since it was quite possible that one of the neighbors had spotted the police car outside their house the other day when Gunn had dropped by and paid them a visit. However, it was definitely not a conversation she looked forward to having any time soon. Even if she would try to be vague about the details, Joyce always had a way of seeing right through her.

And then there was the appointment with the therapist tomorrow. Naturally, Joyce would wonder about that, too. Then again, Buffy could always choose to simply not tell her, but for some reason, it didn’t seem right to keep her mother completely out of the loop. Maybe it was time to explain some things about Spike’s past to her, assuming he was okay with that, of course. She glanced at him, wondering how he would react should she just come right out and ask him.

Seeing her hesitation, Spike raised a brow, a somewhat suspicious look on his face. “Wanna tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

“I was just thinking...” Buffy bit her lip, nervously, choosing her words carefully. “There’s a chance my mom’s gonna wonder about... about Ethan. I’m gonna have to talk to her sooner or later.”

His eyes darkened and he nodded in understanding. “You wanna tell her what he did to me? Why don’t you just put an ad in the local paper while you’re at it?” Seeing the hurt look on her face, he closed his eyes for a moment and let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, all right? But what do you want me to say? Agreed to go see the bloody shrink tomorrow, isn’t that enough? Not ready for the rest of the world to find out all about my fucked up past.”

For a moment, Buffy didn’t know whether to cry, or possibly yell in frustration. As if she would even consider telling her mother anything he wasn’t totally comfortable with. She glared at him. “I never said I’d give her any details. If you’d just hear me out instead of lashing out on me...” He opened his mouth, clearly ashamed, but she went on; “...like you always do when I say something you don’t wanna hear. Guess I was stupid enough to think we had moved past that.”

Seeing any chances of him and Buffy spending the rest of the night happily snuggling together on the bed quickly fly out the window, Spike swallowed, hard. “I didn’t mean...”

“You never do.” Buffy got up from the bed. “You know what? I’m really not in a mood for arguing about this, so just forget I said anything. I’ll go take a shower.” With that, she headed for the door.

“Wait!” Spike jumped off the bed as well, grabbing her arm to prevent her from leaving. “I’m really sorry. Know I’ve said it a lot lately, but...” Seeing that she was about to interrupt, he quickly went on, a desperate note in his voice; “Look, Buffy, I’m not like you. You’re kind and caring, and you have no problem with letting other people know exactly how you feel. Wish I could be more like that, but I can’t.”

She just looked at him for a moment, then lowered her eyes. “But I would never ask you to be something you’re not. I don’t want you to change who you are.”

“I know.” He rolled his eyes, annoyed at himself for always having such a hard time to find the right words. Once again, he had managed to take his anger out on the last person who deserved it, and as usual, he didn’t realize it until the damage was already done. But if he didn’t even understand why he kept doing it, how could he possibly explain his actions to Buffy?

“Spike, I...” Buffy started, uncertainly.

“You wanna know how I feel? I’m bloody terrified.” The words were out of his mouth before he even realized he had spoken. Buffy’s eyes widened in surprise, but she remained silent, waiting for him to go on. The problem was, he had absolutely no idea how. Letting go of her arm, he started pacing the room. Finally he stopped, facing away from her. “Don’t know if I can do it,” he mumbled.

She took a hesitant step towards him. “Do what?” Suddenly realization hit her, and she mentally slapped herself for not putting two and two together sooner. “This is about us going to the session tomorrow, isn’t it?”

It all made perfectly sense to her now. Of course, Spike had never admitted out loud that he worried about going to the therapist, but he hadn’t exactly denied it, either. Then he had simply changed the subject, and she had let the matter drop, not wanting to push him. Truth to be told, she had just been relieved that he had agreed to go, even though he had been very reluctant to the whole idea from the beginning. But now she started to realize that his fears might even be deeper than she had suspected.

Spike felt like his head was spinning. He had managed to push all disturbing thoughts to the back of his mind – at least for a little while – but now, the world came crashing down again. In some way, he had almost convinced himself that if he would simply not bring it up – or refuse to even think about it – it would all go away. Naturally, things didn’t work that way. But it was nice to pretend. Too bad it couldn’t last.

He was well aware of the fact that even though Ethan was gone, he still had a long way to go before he would be able to make peace with his past – if that was even possible. And he knew that he had to face all the painful memories eventually. But he had just hoped it would be later rather than sooner. Not because he expected it to be any easier if he waited, that time would heal the wounds and all that rot. No, he was simply afraid of dealing with it all, period.

“Spike?”

He slowly turned around to face Buffy, trying not to let his frustration show. “Yeah.” Sighing, he then looked her straight in the eyes. “You know I only agreed to go in the first place so you’d get off my back about it, don’t you?” There was no accusation in his words; he was simply stating a fact.

Buffy nodded. “Figured as much,” she mumbled in a small voice.

“Don’t get me wrong, I know I need to do this. Not for you, but for myself.” Spike paused. “S’just hard, you know? Cause...” He hesitated. How badly he wanted to just make Buffy understand what was bothering him. But it didn’t even make sense in his own head.

“Of course it’s hard.” Buffy was at a loss for what to do. She wanted to assure him somehow, make his fears go away, but didn’t know how. Because deep down, she knew that this was something he had to do by himself. She could be there for him, sure, but it all came down to the fact that Spike would finally have to face his own demons – she couldn’t do that for him, no matter how much she wanted to.


TBC

The following morning, Buffy sat up in bed with a jolt, her eyes darting around the room in panic for a moment before landing on Spike, still sleeping peacefully next to her. Frowning slightly, she slumped back down against the pillows. Maybe it had only been a dream, but she could have sworn someone had just knocked on the...

”Buffy? Are you up yet, honey? I know it’s still early, but I made breakfast.” Joyce’s chipper voice sounded from the other side of the door, and Buffy’s eyes widened.

Spike rolled over, opened his eyes and blinked at her, sleepily. “What...?” He was cut off as Buffy quickly clapped her hand over his mouth, and he gave her a questioning look.

“I’m up, Mom!” Lowering her voice to a whisper, Buffy hurriedly explained; “Kinda told her you went home last night.”

Raising a brow in surprise, Spike lowered his voice as well, staring at her in disbelief; “Why’d you do that?!”

“I don’t know! Seemed like a good idea at the time.” Buffy casted a nervous look at the door, calling out to her mother; “All right, Mom! Sounds great. I’ll be right there!”

"Okay, sweetie!" Buffy sighed in relief – which turned out to be too soon, because Joyce wasn’t finished; “Oh, and Spike? I didn’t know if you liked pancakes, but there’s also toast and some cereal.”

Buffy stared at Spike, a horrified expression on her face. He just shrugged, helplessly. She let out a nervous laugh. “What are you talking about, Mom? Spike’s not here!” The sound of her voice was a little too shrill for her liking, and Buffy couldn’t help but cringe. God, this was so embarrassing!

”Oh, of course not." Buffy could practically hear her mother roll her eyes as she went on; “The two of you better be downstairs in five minutes, or your breakfast’s getting cold!”



*~*~*


Exactly five minutes later, Buffy slowly made her way downstairs and into the kitchen, Spike in tow. Joyce raised a brow when she saw them, but didn’t say anything. Beyond embarrassed for being caught deliberately lying to her mother, Buffy stubbornly avoided her eyes as they walked over to the table and sat down.

“Buffy, I...” Joyce started, only to be interrupted by the phone ringing. Seeing the relieved look on her daughter’s face, she crossed her arms over her chest. “Why don’t you get that?”

Buffy’s face fell, and she looked from her mother to Spike. “But...”

“Go,” Joyce insisted, then added; “Spike and I will keep each other company. I’m sure we’ll have a lot to talk about. Right?” She turned to Spike, expectantly. He gulped but nodded, forcing a smile. Joyce looked at Buffy, as if to say ‘see?’. Giving her boyfriend an apologetic look and mouthing a ‘sorry’, Buffy reluctantly slipped out of the room in search for the phone.

“So, um...” Spike hesitated, having absolutely no idea what to say.

“Look, Spike...” Joyce interrupted him. “I’m not stupid – I know you’ve spent the last couple of nights here.” Spike opened his mouth, but she raised a hand to stop him. “Believe it or not; I do remember what it’s like to be young and in love. I also trust my daughter. But from now on, I expect to be informed about these little sleep-overs. Have I made myself clear?”

Spike immediately nodded, although somewhat uncertainly. “Yeah. Perfectly.”

“Good!” Joyce smiled. “Now when that’s out of the way, I wanted to talk to you about Saturday.”

He frowned, looking at Joyce with a blank look on his face. “Saturday?”

“You know, Buffy’s birthday,” Joyce clarified, patiently. “I was thinking of throwing her a small surprise party, inviting her friends, but I wanted to check with you first to make sure...” Seeing his shocked expression, she stopped as realization hit her. “Oh. You didn’t know?”

Suddenly Spike felt like the worst boyfriend ever. He vaguely recalled Buffy mentioning her birthday coming up back when they first met, but he had no idea that it was this saturday. And he hadn’t even bothered to ask. Sure, the last couple of days had been crazy to say the least, but that was no excuse. He should still know the date of his girlfriend’s birthday, right? The thought just hadn’t occurred to him. Now he glanced at Joyce, the guilt evident on his face; “No, I didn’t.”

Joyce nodded in understanding. “Well, you shouldn’t feel bad about that. You see, Buffy really doesn’t like celebrating her birthdays, so I’m not all that surprised she hasn’t brought it up.” She hesitated for a moment. “Three years ago, Buffy’s father turned up at her party drunk, and embarrassed her in front of all her friends from school. The following two years, he didn’t show up at all. He claimed to be working, but Buffy and I both knew that was a lie. She never said anything, but I could just tell how disappointed she was.”

“Oh. That’s...” Spike really didn’t know how to respond to that. His heart went out to Buffy and he suddenly couldn’t blame her for wanting to forget all about her upcoming birthday. Still, he couldn’t help but wish she had said something.

But Joyce wasn’t finished. “I know she doesn’t wanna make a big deal about it, but I just can’t help it. A birthday should be special; a happy day to remember. Don’t you agree?”

Spike had to suppress a bitter laugh, remembering how his last birthday had passed unnoticed as usual. Then again, maybe next year would be different. He shrugged. “Yeah, sure.” Seeing how Joyce seemed to watch him – closely – for a moment, he quickly cleared his throat. “So, one birthday party coming up. Got it. Anything I can do to help?”

“I’m glad you asked.” Joyce casted a glance towards the door to make sure Buffy wouldn’t chose that moment to return. “Would you mind talking to her friends? Willow, Xander and...” She stopped with a frown, her mind clearly blank. “Actually, those two are the only friends she talks about.”

“No worries, I’ll take care of it.” Spike didn’t exactly look forward to contacting Xander, but he figured that he could do it for Buffy. He owed her as much. And as for Willow, well, the red-head seemed pretty okay. Besides, he knew how much it would mean to Buffy if he could get along with her friends. And after that little incident last night – with him screwing up, again, he was more than willing to make it up to her.

Joyce gave him a grateful smile. “That would be great, thank you.” She was about to say something more, but stopped herself as Buffy re-entered the kitchen. Instead she went over to the kitchen cabinet, grabbed three glasses and started some pouring fresh made orange juice into each of them.

Buffy glanced at Spike before turning to her mother. “Okay, what were you two just talking about?”

“Oh, nothing.” Joyce put on an innocent face. “Juice?” She offered one of the glasses to her daughter – who accepted it after a brief moment’s hesitation, a somewhat suspicious look on her face. “So,” Joyce continued after gesturing for Buffy and Spike to start eating. “Do you two have any special plans for today? This isn’t your day off, is it Buffy?”

“I wish.” Buffy grimaced, pouring a large amount of maple syrup on her pancakes. “Have to be at work at ten-thirty. Blah!”

Joyce nodded. “What about you, Spike. Buffy told me you’re working at the gas station.”

“Yeah, well...” Spike shrugged, reaching for a slice of toast and keeping his eyes on the food. “Kinda in between jobs at the moment.” He didn’t feel comfortable admitting that he in fact got fired.

“I see.” Joyce took a sip of her juice. “So what are you gonna do now?”

“I, um...” Spike hesitated. Truth to be told, he had absolutely no idea, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. He didn’t want Joyce to worry about the fact that her daughter was dating a guy with no ambition. Even if it happened to be the truth.

Seeing his hesitation, Joyce quickly went on; “The reason I ask is because we could always use some extra help down at the gallery. If you wanna stop by tomorrow, I’d be happy to show you around. Then you can decide if you’re interested.”

Spike raised a brow, unable to hide his surprise. “Really? Thanks. I’ll be there.” Joyce looked pleased.

Buffy pouted. “Great! Then the two of you can talk about me all day and I won’t have a chance to defend myself.” However, her tone indicated that she wasn’t really serious. In fact, she didn’t seem unhappy at all.

Things definitely seemed to be looking up, but for some reason, Spike couldn’t help but think that suddenly, it all appeared to be a little too good to be true. He suspected that a part of him would never really get used to the idea of good things actually happening to him; he would always keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. In a way, going through life thinking like that was exhausting, but at the same time, it felt safer always being prepared for the worst to happen.

Like for instance, this afternoon, they were heading for their first therapy session...


TBC

”What time is it?” Spike was rapidly tapping his fingers against the armrest of the large, green couch. He and Buffy were sitting in the waiting room, waiting for their first session, and he felt like they had already been there for hours.

Buffy held back a sigh, patiently looking at her watch for what must have been the fiftieth time since they had arrived, less than fifteen minutes ago. “Four-twenty five.”

He jumped up, quickly patting the pockets of his coat in search for his cigarettes. “Got time for a smoke, then. I’ll just...”

Getting up as well, Buffy put a tentative hand on his arm to stop him. “Sweetie, we both know that if you leave now, you won’t be coming back.”

Spike opened his mouth to object, then settled for letting out a snort in a weak attempt of acting offended. Instead he just slumped back down on the couch, a miserable look on his face. Buffy was right, off course. What he wouldn’t do to be anywhere but here. If given the opportunity, he would gladly run as far away as possible. But he obediently remained where he was, suddenly feeling too tired to argue. In a way, he felt like a condemned prisoner, waiting for his inevitable execution.

The couch shifted slightly as Buffy sat down next to him again. “Look, I know you’re nervous, but it’s gonna be okay.”

He held back a sarcastic remark, knowing she was just trying to make him feel better. But to say that he was nervous would be the understatement of the year. In fact, ‘nervous’ didn’t even begin to cover how he really felt at the moment. It wasn’t really a question of whether or not he was ready for this; he would never feel comfortable discussing the horrors of his past with anyone, let alone a complete stranger.

Still, what bothered him even more than the idea of exposing himself to someone who merely got paid for listening to his sob story was the disturbing thought of having to face all the demons of his past. After all this time, Spike could still feel Ethan’s presence every time he closed his eyes, hearing the man’s eerily calm voice and feel those large hands mercilessly pressing him down onto the cold, hard floor.

But he also suspected that he had managed to push some of the most horrifying memories to the farthest back of his mind, and that everything would now finally be forced out in the open. A part of him seriously doubted that he would be strong enough to face those repressed memories, even with Buffy’s never-ending love and support. So, it was safe to say that he was way beyond nervous by now. He was terrified.

While Buffy didn’t have a reason to fear the upcoming therapy session as much as Spike, she was silently struggling to keep her own emotions under control. Despite the fact that she had been fully convinced from the beginning that it was the right thing to do, the nagging feeling of guilt for pushing him into this kept growing inside her. Even though Spike had reluctantly admitted that he needed to do this, it was painfully obvious that he didn’t want to be here.

As she was sitting next to him on the couch, she could practically feel the fear rolling off him in waves, and she had no idea how to make it better. In fact, she doubted there was anything she could do or say at this moment that would make much of a difference. She had a feeling that the only thing that would possibly make him relax was her telling him they would get up and leave. Although a part of her really wished she could do just that, she knew that she wouldn’t do Spike any favors by letting him keep running from his past.

She tried to smile. “Hey, it’s just an hour, right? It’ll be over before we know it.” Spike just gave her a sour look, not even dignifying that statement with an answer. She tried again; “Look, when we get back home, we can...”

“Just drop it, all right?” Spike let out a tired sigh. “Know what you’re trying to do, but please, just don’t.” Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again, and he could see her swallowing hard before mumbling an apology. Squeezing his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to fight back the tears, he reached blindly for her hand. “I’m sorry, luv, m’just...”

Buffy silenced him by pressing her lips against his, her free hand running gently through his hair. She wanted to tell him that it was okay, that she knew he was just scared and that no matter what happened, they would get through this together. But she also knew that if she so much as opened her mouth, she would start crying, and right now, she had to stay strong. Spike needed her strength, not her tears. She would not allow herself to fall apart until this was all over.

But the truth was, Buffy was painfully aware of the fact that this one session would not magically make everything better. In fact, she feared that it would be quite the opposite; forcing Spike to start dealing with the memories of his past could be very much like opening Pandora’s box. She realized that Spike had only shared a limited part of his awful experiences with her – there had to be so much more, far worse than she could possibly imagine. For a brief moment, she wondered if she was actually ready to hear about the rest.

Then again, she supposed it didn’t matter, because it wasn’t really about her. Taking a deep breath, she silently prayed that her voice wouldn’t crack. “I love you.”

He let out a shuddering breath, pulling back a little to look her in the eyes. “Love you, too.”

Buffy rested her forehead against his, suddenly not caring about the single tear, stubbornly finding its way down her cheek. “Look, you’re here. You’ve made it this far. You can do this.” She paused. “And I’m not going anywhere.” He slipped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair, and she could feel him trembling against her. For a moment, neither of them spoke.

Spike tightened his grip around her and took a couple of long, deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down. Buffy was right – he could do this. How hard could it be, really? He tried to convince himself that he had nothing to be afraid of – Ethan was gone, and a bunch of memories couldn’t really hurt him. He knew all that, so why did he still feel this way? Why couldn’t he stop shaking? Fuck! He really, really didn’t want to be here.

Pulling back abruptly, he gave Buffy a hopeful look. “Remember when you said that if I really thought we’d just be wasting our time coming here, you’d call the whole thing off?” She nodded. “Bit too late for that now, isn’t it?”

She looked at him for a moment, then sighed. “Is that really how you feel?”

“Who bloody cares?!” Although he had intended to make it come out like a joke, he couldn’t quite keep the desperation from his voice. “Just wanna get the fuck out of here!”

Buffy closed her eyes, sighing again. “I know you do. Believe me; I understand completely. But...” She stopped as he let out a frustrated groan and slammed his fist down on the small table in front of the couch. Opening her mouth to say something, she then clearly decided against it and slumped back against the couch, crossing her arms over her chest. Still, she didn’t seem too upset by his sudden outburst.

Silently counting to ten, Spike desperately tried to control his temper. How could Buffy always be so annoyingly understanding? A part of him wished she would just yell at him already, tell him to get a grip and snap out of it. Then he could yell right back at her without feeling guilty. Well, not much, anyway. Hell, who was he kidding? Of course he would feel guilty, because Buffy sure as hell didn’t deserve any of that crap from him.

But he needed to lash out at someone; there was so much anger and fury building up inside him and he just didn’t know how to handle it. Of course, he knew perfectly well that provoking the one person who happened to care about him more than anything was not the way to go. Glancing at Buffy, he noticed that she was watching him, quietly. He felt a lump in his throat. “Just want it to be over,” he mumbled.

Buffy bit her lip, nodding slowly. “It will be.” She was about to say something more, but stopped herself as a door opened and a man in his early forties stepped out, looking around the waiting room briefly before his eyes landed on them.

“Hello, you must be Buffy and Spike. I’m Doctor Rupert Giles. I’m terribly sorry for keeping you waiting.” He smiled. “Please, step into my office.”


TBC

“Have a seat.” Closing the door behind him, Doctor Giles gestured towards a brown, leather couch in the far end of the office. “Can I interest you in some coffee, or perhaps a nice cup of tea?”

Seeing how Spike’s eyes darted around the room, suspiciously, Buffy turned to the doctor and shook her head with a polite smile. “No thanks, we’re good. Um, Doctor Giles...”

He interrupted her. “Please, just call me Giles. There’s no need to be formal in this room.” Walking over to his desk, he sat down and leaned back in the chair, waiting for Buffy and Spike to sit down as well. Then he opened the top drawer in his desk and pulled out a small box. “Would either of you like a Jaffa cake? I tend to always keep some around.”

Shaking her head again, Buffy glanced at Spike – who had yet to say a word. She wasn’t fooled by his hostile appearance, knowing perfectly well how nervous he was, but she suspected that Giles would have a hard time earning his trust. Placing her hand gently on her boyfriend’s knee, hoping that her touch would soothe him, she silently prayed that the therapist would really be as good as Gunn said he was. Because she had a feeling that Spike wasn’t going to make this too easy for him.

“So...” Giles started, watching the young couple in front of him with interest. “If you don’t mind my asking – how long how you two been seeing each other?”

Spike raised a brow in surprise, having been quite certain that the doc’s first question wouldn’t be about his relationship with Buffy. Even more surprising was the fact that the older man apparently was british as well. Spike wasn’t sure how he felt about that. One thing was for sure; doctor or not, he wasn’t about to trust this bloke just like that. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Spike!” Buffy hissed, glaring at him in disapproval. He just looked at her before turning back to Giles, expectantly.

“Oh, I was just being curious.” Luckily, Giles didn’t seem offended at all. “I couldn’t help but notice that you seemed to be rather close. Care to tell me how you first met?”

Feeling Buffy’s eyes on him and knowing she wanted him to answer, Spike held back a sigh. He didn’t really see the point of talking about this, but he supposed it was a safe enough subject. “Met at a club.”

Giles opened his mouth, clearly intending to ask something more, but Buffy beat him to it; “You make it sound so simple. Are you forgetting what happened?” She turned to Giles. “There was this guy. He tried to... hurt me, but Spike showed up just in time to stop him.”

“I see.” Giles nodded, then looked at Spike. “Sounds like things could have gotten really bad. How very fortunate for Buffy that you were there.”

“I... I guess so.” Spike shrugged, not sure what else to say. Buffy smiled at him, softly squeezing his hand.

Turning to Buffy, Giles went on; “This... guy, you were referring to. May I ask you in what way he tried to hurt you?”

“Um...” Buffy glanced at Spike, a little taken aback by the doctor’s direct question. To tell the truth, she hadn’t expected this therapy session to be about her. She supposed Giles knew what he was doing, though. But she hadn’t been prepared for that particular conversation.

“Hold on...” Spike looked at Giles, clearly as confused as Buffy. “That’s hardly any of your business. Why are you...?” He stopped as Buffy slapped him gently on the arm and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, like you’re not thinking the same thing,” he muttered.

“I apologize.” Giles glanced at Buffy before turning back to Spike, a patient expression on his face. “Spike, let me remind you that everything we talk about in this room stays here, between these four walls. That goes for both of you. Also, if neither of you are fully comfortable answering any of my questions, feel free to let me know. I will not be insulted in any way.”

Lowering his eyes, Spike tightened his grip on Buffy’s hand. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “S’not what I thought we’d be talking about, is all.”

“I understand.” Giles watched him, closely. “And what do you wish for us to talk about instead?”

“You asking me?” He gave Giles a doubtful look. The older man just nodded, and Spike let out a snort. “Nothing, really.” Giles opened his mouth, but Spike went on with a sigh; “Seriously, you’re the doctor, not me. Don’t even wanna be here.” He ignored the somewhat annoyed look Buffy gave him, thinking there was no point in lying.

“Yes, I am perfectly aware of that.” Giles gave him a sad smile. “I could tell the moment you stepped through the door. Now here is what I find interesting.” He paused. “Yet, here you are. Forgive me for asking, but what made you come here today?”

Spike just looked at him, clearly at a loss for what to say. Buffy spoke up instead; “We felt that it was the right thing to do. Because...”

“I’m sorry,” Giles interrupted. He hesitated for a moment before he went on, an apologetic look on his face. “Buffy, I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to make a wild assumption here. You say ‘we’, but what you actually mean to say is ‘you’. Correct me if I’m wrong.”

Buffy’s face fell. “I... I don’t...” She swallowed. “Maybe.” Not daring to look at Spike, she kept her eyes on the floor.

Seeing her sudden discomfort, Spike quickly spoke up in Buffy’s defense; “Hey, she didn’t force me to come here.”

“Oh, I’m sure she didn’t.” Giles was quiet for a moment. “My point is; you obviously do not wish to be here. But you are, and that is a start. I can imagine it must have been a difficult decision to make. However, I truly believe Buffy was correct when she said this is the right thing. And more importantly – deep down, I think you feel the same way. Am I right?”

“I, uh...” Spike cast a helpless look at Buffy, not liking the way Giles seemed to be able to see right through him. It made him feel too exposed, and he wasn’t ready to admit it. He settled for a shrug, stubbornly avoiding the doctor’s eyes.

“It makes you feel uncomfortable,” Giles continued, clearly having not expected an answer. “For natural reasons, you’re afraid to look inside yourself and face your inner demons. It’s perfectly understandable. But...”

He paused, giving Spike a moment to let his words sink in. “Still, you are torn. Because somewhere, deep inside you, you can’t help but wonder if there could be even the slightest possibility that I can actually be able to help you. And that’s the reason why you came today, despite the fact that you’d rather be anywhere but here.” It wasn’t a question, simply a matter of fact.

Buffy held her breath. She realized that Gunn had known what he was doing when he recommended this man. He was good. But the question remained – would Spike be ready to accept this kind of insight from a stranger? She wasn’t totally convinced. Seeing how Spike took a deep breath, clearly trying not to let his temper get the best of him, she realized that she had been correct in her assumptions.

Of course, she knew by now that Spike only reacted with anger as a defense mechanism when he felt nervous or threatened in any way. But what he had yet to realize was that everything would be so much easier for everybody if he could just learn to control that kind of behavior. She was still trying to learn not to take his outbursts personally, knowing that once he snapped out of it, his thoughtless actions would hurt him just as much as her.

Spike didn’t know exactly what he had expected from this session, but it certainly wasn’t this. He had thought they would just talk about what Ethan had done to him, and while the idea of discussing such a humiliating subject with a stranger made him feel sick, he had still counted on being able to go through with it because it was just simple facts. But this was different. It was obvious that Giles wouldn’t settle for merely scraping the surface.

He swallowed, suddenly feeling like a deer caught in the headlights. “So what if that’s why I came? It’s your bloody job, isn’t it? You’re the almighty shrink, supposed to help those poor bastards who’re too fucked up to do it themselves.”

“Spike...” Buffy put her hand carefully on his arm, casting a worried look at Giles. “Sweetie, why don’t you...”

“I assure you, Buffy, it’s quite all right.” Giles cleared his throat before turning back to Spike; “Is that how you feel about yourself?”

Spike opened his mouth, then closed it again. For a moment, he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. No matter what he said, the man just wouldn’t give up. It suddenly occurred to him that the doctor had a patience similar to Buffy’s. He just wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad.


TBC

”Don’t know what you’re on about.” Spike stubbornly kept his eyes on the floor, refusing to let his guard down. The way Giles kept looking at him made him feel vulnerable, and he didn’t like it one bit.

“All right.” Giles removed his glasses. “Do you mind telling me what you’re feeling right now?”

“Um...” Spike raised a brow. “Why don’t you tell me? You’re the expert.”

“Very well.” Giles was quiet for a moment. “I believe you’re confused. You have a lot of questions, but you do not really want to hear the answers. You are also very angry. Angry at the people who hurt you, but also angry at yourself for not being able to stop it.” A pause. “How am I doing so far?”

Spike didn’t answer. Instead he just crossed his arms over his chest, closing up like a clam. Buffy looked at him for a moment. “I’d say, a little too good,” she mumbled, quietly. Spike glanced at her, but remained silent.

“Ah.” Giles nodded, having clearly come to the same conclusion. “I figured as much.” When he spoke again, he had a thoughtful expression on his face. “Tell me something, Spike. Would you feel more comfortable talking to me if it was just the two of us? If Buffy stepped outside for a moment...”

Three, two, one, Buffy silently counted, preparing herself for the outburst she knew was about to come. Spike had yet to let go of her hand, and now he squeezed it so hard that she had to bite her tongue to keep from crying out in pain.

“No!” Spike was unable to keep the fear out of his voice – although he did his best to sound demanding – and glared at Giles, as if daring him to object. “She’s staying.”

“Of course.” Giles immediately raised his hands in a calming gesture. “It was just a thought. The decision is yours.”

Furiously trying to blink away the tears that threatened to fall, Spike simply nodded, knowing that his voice would fail him if he so much as tried to speak. He nearly jumped when Buffy’s arm gently slid around his waist, not daring to look at her. Instead he just leaned into her touch, gratefully accepting the comfort she was offering. Taking a couple of shaky breaths, he tried to force himself to relax.

“Tell me...” Giles had been quiet for a moment, but now he spoke up again; “We have already established the fact that it was not your idea to come here. Why do you believe Buffy talked you into it?” Seeing how Buffy opened her mouth, the therapist softly but firmly shook his head, clearly insisting for Spike to answer by himself.

“I... I don’t know.” Spike sighed as Giles just kept looking at him, expectantly. “’Cause she cares about me. ‘Cause she thinks it would help, to talk about... stuff.” He shrugged.

Giles nodded. “I see. And you don’t agree?”

“Didn’t say that.” Spike slumped back against the couch.

Waiting almost a minute for him to continue, Giles finally seemed to realize that he wouldn’t. “All right. What is it – do you believe – that Buffy thinks you need to talk about?”

Spike cast a brief look at Buffy, who gave him an encouraging nod. He rolled his eyes, knowing that Buffy had already given Giles the background story over the phone, although she had been vague about the details. Desperately searching his mind for some sarcastic remark, he then decided against it, knowing it would just be useless to point out the obvious. No matter what, Giles would still make him come out and say it. Might as well get it over with, he thought. But for some reason, the words just wouldn’t come.

Noticing his discomfort, Giles obviously took pity on him and decided to give him an opening; “Someone hurt you in the past. Can you tell me about that person?”

“He, um...” Spike hesitated, fidgeting awkwardly on the couch. “Name’s Ethan. Was married to my mum.”

“I see.” Giles nodded again. “I can’t help but notice you’re saying ‘was’, as in past tense. Am I correct to assume they are no longer married?”

Spike shrugged. “Both dead.”

Giles looked slightly taken aback, clearly having not received that particular information. However, he quickly recovered. “I understand. And how do you feel about that?” Raising a brow, Spike merely snorted, and Giles calmly elaborated; “Relief? Guilt? What was the first thought that came to your mind after hearing about Ethan’s death?”

“Didn’t just hear ‘bout it.” Spike looked up, his eyes meeting the therapist’s. “Didn’t know that, did you? I was the one who killed him.” He said the last part with a stubborn, almost challenging note in his voice.

Before Giles got the chance to respond to that, Buffy spoke up; “It was an accident, Spike. You know that.” Her hand kept rubbing his back, softly.

“You really think that’s all it was?” Spike turned towards Buffy. “That’s bollocks, Buffy, and you know it. Think I regret what happened, is that it? Well, think again!” He jumped up from the couch, turning his back against both of them. Buffy started to get up as well, but a warning look from Giles stopped her and she reluctantly remained where she was.

“I mean, come on!” Spike started pacing the room. “Think the idea of killing him hadn’t crossed my mind before that asshole showed up at my apartment with his fucking knife?!” Buffy squeezed her eyes shut, desperately trying to fight back the tears. But Spike wasn’t finished. He stopped at the other side of the room. “Don’t regret a bloody thing. I’m glad he’s dead, you hear? No wait, wish he wasn’t. ‘Cause then I’d gladly kill him all over again!”

Buffy failed to hold back a sob, tears streaming down her face. Giles spoke up; “It just tears you apart, doesn’t it? Because despite your obvious hatred towards this man, you do feel guilty. And you can’t for your life figure out why.”

Spike spun around, facing the older man. “Yeah? You think you know so much – explain it to me then! Tell me how the bloody hell I’m supposed to feel!” Despite his hostile words, the look he gave the therapist was almost pleading.

Giles stood up, but did no attempt of moving closer. “What that man did to you... On some level, you believe you deserved it.”

“No.” Spike stared at Giles with wide eyes. “You don’t know a bloody thing about me.”

“Yes,” Giles insisted, ignoring Spike’s objections. “Maybe he even said so himself – told you he had no choice but to hurt you, that you had it coming.”


“I want to hear you say it. Why am I doing this?”

He inhaled, shakily. “’Cause I’m bad.”

“That’s right.” Ethan looked pleased, a cruel smile playing on his lips. “You’ve been bad, so I have to punish you. Have to make sure you know your place. Do you understand?”

Nodding in fear, he then remembered what happened last time he didn’t answer. “Yes.”


”Of course,” Giles went on, ”it must be true, then. You feel guilty, because you knew he had to be right. Ethan only did what he had to do.”

“No,” Spike repeated, shaking his head in denial.

“And if you were the reason behind his actions,” Giles continued, paying no attention to Buffy who were sobbing, quietly, a few feet away, “well, then there has to be something wrong with you. Because you could never understand what horrible things you had done to deserve such a punishment.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Spike clenched his fists as he felt the walls closing in on him. “You’re wrong!”

“Am I?” Giles asked softly, putting his glasses back on. “Then why did he do it?” he demanded to know.

“’Cause he’s a sick bastard, that’s why!” Spike grabbed an empty glass from a nearby table and furiously smashed it against the wall. “’Cause he got off on hurting people who were too bloody weak to fight back! I never deserved any of it, there’s nothing wrong with me!” He slammed his fist into the wall a couple of times before he slid down on the floor, his own words finally starting to sink in. “He had no fucking right to hurt me,” he managed to choke out.

“You’re absolutely right.” Giles nodded in agreement. “And it’s time for you to start believe in it.” He turned to Buffy. “This is upsetting you.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes.” Wiping her eyes, Buffy took a hesitant step towards Spike, who was still huddling on the floor. “I don’t know what to do,” she whispered.

“It’s quite all right, dear. You are doing just fine.” Giles gave her a sad smile, then lowered his voice. “You can go to him now. I’m going to step outside for a moment, give you two some privacy.” He paused, thinking. “In fact, I think we are done for today. I would like for both of you to keep coming to see me, though, preferably once a week for now. Is that all right with you?” Giving him a somewhat shaky smile, Buffy nodded. Giles looked relieved. “Excellent! I’ll see you in a week.”


TBC

As soon as Giles had closed the door behind him – after speaking quietly to Buffy for a moment – she made her way over to Spike. Dropping to her knees next to him on the floor, she put her hand gently on his shoulder, not wanting to startle him. “Spike? Honey, are you okay?” She realized immediately what a stupid question it was, but she just didn’t know what else to say.

Spike slowly raised his head and their eyes met. He watched her closely for a moment, then reached out a shaky hand towards her face. “You’ve been cryin’,” he stated quietly, softly wiping away her tears with his thumb.

“Yeah.” She caught his hand and pressed a gentle kiss to his palm. “I’m fine, baby. Don’t worry about me.” He tilted his head to the side, obviously not convinced, and Buffy felt her heart aching for him all over again. No matter what happened, no matter how many horrible ordeals he had to endure, Spike’s first concern would always be with her. Swallowing hard, she managed a small smile. “Giles left. He told us to take all the time we needed.”

Nodding in understanding, Spike opened his mouth to say something. Then he seemed to change his mind. Instead he simply reached out for her, pulling her into his arms and burying his face in her hair. “Sorry,” he whispered, hoarsely.

Frowning, Buffy wrapped her arms around him and hugged him close. “For what?” No response. She tried again, running her hand slowly up and down his back. “Spike? Sorry for what?” He still didn’t say anything, just kept clinging to her, almost desperately. Hesitating only briefly, Buffy pulled back a little. “Spike, look at me.”

It took a moment before he obeyed, somewhat reluctantly. She let her fingers run softly through his hair, looking him straight in the eyes. “What are you sorry for?” He just shrugged, and she had to force back a sigh. “Spike?”

“Yelled at you again.” His bottom lip was trembling now. “Said I wouldn’t do that anymore. I’m sorry.”

Seeing how hard he was struggling to fight back the tears made her own eyes well up again. “Shh, sweetie, it’s okay. You needed to get it out and I’m glad you did. I mean it. It’s not why I was crying.”

Spike gave her a doubtful look, clearly not believing her, and she tried to keep the frustration out of her voice as she went on; “Don’t you get it by now?” He just kept looking at her, a blank expression on his face, and she gently cupped his cheek. “It just breaks my heart when you’re hurting like this. I’d do anything to take away your pain, but I can’t.” She sighed. “Anyway, that’s why I was crying.”

“Oh.” He ducked his head, and Buffy was relieved beyond words that he seemed to simply accept her explanation instead of insisting that he wasn’t worth it. She knew that – not too long ago – he would have done just that.

“Yeah.” She hesitated for a moment, remembering something Giles had mentioned just before leaving the room. Suddenly she felt exhausted, and she could only imagine how Spike must be feeling. “You know, Giles thought it would be a good idea if I came to talk to him some time. Alone.” What Giles had actually said was that he recommended both of them to see him separately, at least once, but she wasn’t sure how Spike would react to that.

He looked up, the surprise evident on his face. “You gonna go?”

“I don’t know.” Buffy bit her lip, somewhat nervously. “Probably.” She paused. “You could do it too, you know.” Holding her breath, she waited for his reaction.

Spike was silent for a moment. “I’ll think about it,” he finally mumbled, clearly too tired to argue. His tone, however, indicated that she shouldn’t get her hopes up. Buffy opened her mouth, but he raised a hand to stop her. “Can’t we just go home now?” he asked, a pleading note in his voice.

She let out a sigh, nodding in agreement. “Yeah. We can go home.”


*~*~*


After quickly going through their options, they had agreed to go back to Spike’s apartment instead of Buffy’s house, none of them in a mood for dealing with Joyce at the moment. Deciding to just rest for a little while and then spend the rest of the night in front of the TV – watch a movie and maybe ordering pizza – Buffy and Spike curled up together on the bed.

Despite insisting that he wasn’t really all that tired, Spike had drifted off almost immediately and was sleeping deeply within minutes. Buffy couldn’t blame him, knowing that he must have worn himself out completely during the session. She on the other hand was unable to go to sleep, having too much going on in her head, too many thoughts rushing through her mind. Pulling the blanket up to cover both of them, she lay her head down to rest on Spike’s chest, slowly stroking his arm as she listened to his breathing.

Even though it had been Spike’s idea to go back to his place, it was obvious that he didn’t feel really comfortable in the apartment anymore, and to tell the truth, neither did Buffy. Too much had happened there. The thought had occurred to her that with Joyce offering Spike a job at the gallery, maybe it was time for him to look for another place. And maybe, just maybe, they could go look for something together.

The idea of her and Spike living together for real sounded very appealing, and she had a feeling Spike would feel the same way, at least she hoped so. She just didn’t know how to bring it up without making it sound like she was pushing things. For some reason, moving in together felt like such a huge step. A step she was more than willing to take, of course, but what if she was wrong and he wouldn’t be ready? A part of her was still terrified that she would go too far and manage to scare him away.

After all, they hadn’t really been together that long. But Buffy knew in her heart that Spike was the one for her, she didn’t doubt it for a second. And she was fairly certain that her feelings were very much mutual. Truth to be told, her feelings for Spike were so intense that it almost scared her sometimes, she just couldn’t imagine living her life without him. The mere thought of ever losing him made her feel like she was choking, it scared her half to death.

Another thing that kept her awake was the thought of her upcoming birthday, and the fact that it was only two days away and she had yet to mention it to Spike. For the last couple of years, her birthdays had turned out unpleasant, to say the least, and she wouldn’t be too upset if she never had to celebrate another birthday again. But maybe Spike wouldn’t see things her way. Maybe he would want to know. Buffy let out a sigh and rolled over on her back, staring up at the ceiling.

It wasn’t like she had deliberately tried to hide it from Spike, it was just that ever since the day they first met, their lives had been like one long roller coaster ride. To say that their relationship so far had been intense would be the understatement of the year. In all honesty, she wasn’t sure she would have mentioned anything even if she’d had nothing but happy memories from her previous birthdays.

Over the last few weeks, just when was she supposed to have brought it up, anyway? And more importantly; what was she supposed to have told him? ‘Hey, Spike, guess what? I know your mother just killed herself and your evil stepfather tried to kill both of us, but my birthday’s coming up. Let’s go out and celebrate!’ Buffy rolled her eyes. How incredibly stupid!

At least her mom hadn’t said anything this year, and for that, Buffy was grateful. She knew that Joyce only meant well, but she always made such a fuss and then in the end, nothing ever turned out as planned. Hopefully, she had finally realized that her daughter just wanted to forget all about her big day. That, or she had simply forgotten. Buffy almost hoped that was the case.

No, this year would be different, she would make sure of that. No matter what happened, she wasn’t going to celebrate her birthday this saturday. She would just stay in bed all day if she had to, pretend to be sick or something. Except doing so meant that she would have to lie to Spike, and she didn’t want to do that. Just insist on a quiet day with neither of them leaving the house, then. Because that seemed to be the only way to make sure that the day wouldn’t turn into the usual disaster.


TBC

Even before Spike was fully awake, he instinctively knew he was alone in the bed. His eyes snapped open. Buffy was nowhere to be seen. Then he spotted the small note on her pillow and reached for it with a frown. The message was short; ’Went to store to get us breakfast. Be right back. Love you. /B’

He read the note again, suddenly confused. Breakfast? Why the hell would she...? Then he threw a glance at the alarm clock on the bedside table and his eyes widened in disbelief. It was nine o’clock in the morning. Realizing that he had been asleep for almost fifteen hours, he scrambled out of bed with a ‘bloody hell’, found his jeans on the floor and quickly pulled them on. Grabbing the black t-shirt he had thrown on a chair next to the bed, he hurried out of the bedroom.

Buffy was sitting in the kitchen, reading a magazine and sipping on a glass of orange juice. She looked up and smiled when she saw him. “Good morning. Was starting to think you’d sleep all day.” Picking up a brown paper bag from the table, she held it out so he could see. “Look, I got us donuts!”

Shaking his head at her idea of a healthy breakfast, Spike chose one of the sugary pastries from the bag and sat down next to her. “Why didn’t you wake me up? Could’ve gone with you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Spike, you were exhausted last night. I figured you needed to sleep some more, so I let you.” A pause. She watched him for a moment before asking, carefully; “How’re you feeling today?”

Shrugging, he took a bite from the donut. “Like I’ve been sleeping for a week.”

Giving him a soft smile, Buffy put her glass down on the table. “I meant...”

“Yeah, I know what you meant.” Spike interrupted her. “Not sure what you want me to say, though. Yesterday was...” He hesitated, suddenly at a loss for words.

“Intense?” She had a sympathetic look on her face.

He let out a snort. “One way of putting it.” Seeing that she was about to say something, he quickly went on; “Look, I appreciate your concern, luv, I really do. Truth is, I don’t know how I feel right now. Not trying to push you away or anything, I just...” He hesitated again. “When I figure it out for myself, you’ll be the first to know. I promise.”

Buffy nodded, although somewhat uncertainly. “All right.” Then – much to his relief – she clearly decided to let it go for now and changed the subject; “Oh, I almost forgot. My mom called. She wants you to stop by at the gallery somewhere around lunchtime if you’re still interested in the job.”

Spike got up, pouring himself some of the coffee Buffy had made earlier. “Oh, right. Yeah, sure.”

She was quiet for a moment. “If you’re not up to it, I understand.”

“Said I’d be there, didn’t I?” He shoved the last of the donut into his mouth. “Just gonna finish my coffee and hit the shower.”

“Okay.” Buffy bit her lip. “I’d go with you, but I have to be at work in an hour.”

Picking up his cup, Spike made his way back to the kitchen table and sat down again with a sigh. “Really, Buffy, s’all right. Think I’m capable of going to see your mum all by myself.”

“I know that.” Buffy forced a smile. ”All right, I get it. Sorry for making a fuss.” She tried to keep her tone light, but failed miserably.

Spike sighed again and reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “You know I love you, right?” She just nodded, looking at him as she waited for him to continue. “It’s a bit too much right now, is all.” Buffy opened her mouth but he hurried on; “Don’t mean you, all right? Hell, you’re the only thing keeping me from going insane here.” He let out a bitter laugh. “It’s just everything else. Seriously, if it hadn’t been for you...”

“Shh, I know.” Buffy placed a finger over his lips to silence him. “Spike, it’s okay. I know you have a lot to take in and I’m sorry for pushing. I just need you to know that you can talk to me. No matter what you’re feeling, you don’t have to wait until you’ve figured it out. I’m here for you, all the way.”

His face softening, Spike took her hand and pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles. “I do know that, pet. And I will talk to you. But right now, I just need to keep my mind off all this shit for a little while. That okay with you?” He gave her a pleading look, silently begging her to understand.

“Of course it’s okay with me.” Buffy gave his hand a squeeze. “So you really are okay with seeing my mom?”

He nodded. “Think it’s the best thing I can do right now.” She nodded as well, figuring he was probably right.


*~*~*

“Hello, Spike.” Joyce smiled at him as he entered the art gallery. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“Sure, no problem.” Spike looked around the room with wide eyes. “Looks, um, cool.”

“Thank you.” Joyce got a thoughtful expression on her face. “How about we start with me showing you around? Then we can talk.” He nodded and she gestured for him to follow her.

Ten minutes later, after giving Spike the full tour, Joyce showed him into a small office at the back of the gallery. “Please, have a seat. Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea?”

He shook his head, politely but firmly. “I’m good, thanks.”

“All right.” Joyce paused. “So, what do you think of this place?”

“It’s... great.” Spike wasn’t sure exactly what to say. “Been working here long?”

She nodded. “Almost fifteen years. And I’ve loved every minute of it. It’s a really wonderful job if you’re into this sort of thing.”

“I’m sure it is.” He hesitated for a moment before deciding to just be honest with her. “Look, Joyce, no offense, but I was kinda wondering...”

“Why I offered you a job here?” she finished with a smile, as if she had been reading his mind.

“Well, yeah...” Spike let out a nervous chuckle, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “I mean, you hardly know me. And seriously, I don’t know anything ‘bout this stuff. I’m sure there’s people who’re a lot more...” He searched his mind for the right word. “...qualified.”

“Maybe.” Joyce was quiet for a moment. “All right, Spike, I’ll be honest with you. You’re right – I don’t know you that well yet. But from what I’ve seen so far, you’re a good person. I also trust my daughter’s judgment; it’s obvious that you mean a lot to her.” She paused, giving him a chance to take in her words. “Here’s the thing. You need a job, and I need someone who’s willing to work. Are you interested?”

“Hell, yeah!” Spike cleared his throat, quickly correcting himself. “I mean, I am. Definitely. Thank you.”

Joyce looked pleased. “You’re welcome. Can you start tomorrow? I know it’s a saturday, but there’s always work to do around here. Is that okay with you?”

As he nodded, he couldn’t help but feel a little overwhelmed. Things suddenly seemed to be going so fast, although for once, it actually felt like a good thing. A part of him couldn’t quite believe his luck, though. He had dreaded the thought of having to look for a new job, and now he just got one practically handed to him without having to lift a finger. It was exactly what he needed, of course, but things like that didn’t just happen. To other people, maybe, but not to him.

“Great, so it’s settled, then!” Joyce’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he forced a smile, pushing his doubts to the back of his mind. “Now, we need to talk about Buffy’s party tomorrow night.” Misreading the look on his face, she hesitated a little. “Oh, unless you have other things to do right now. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to assume...”

“No, s’okay, don’t have anywhere else to be.” Spike paused for a moment. “Was just thinking – this surprise party you’re planning? Are you sure that’s what Buffy really wants?”

The woman’s smile faltered and for a moment, Spike was afraid that he had overstepped his bounds and gone too far. Then she let out a sigh. “Truthfully? I’m pretty convinced that it’s the last thing she wants.”

He raised a brow in surprise. “Then why are you...?”

“Bad experiences sometimes makes it hard to remember that the future isn’t set in stone.” Seeing his confusion, Joyce explained; “Buffy’s got some unpleasant memories from her previous years, so she’s become convinced that nothing good can ever come out from celebrating her birthdays, period. But what if she’s wrong?”

Spike wasn’t sure he was following. “Can’t exactly blame her for feeling that way. I mean, after what you told me...”

“I agree with you.” Joyce smiled a little. “But think of all the good things she’d be missing out on, just because she’s afraid of putting the past behind her and move on.”

He was quiet for a moment, allowing her words to sink in. “See your point,” he finally mumbled.

Joyce went on; “I know how Buffy feels about her birthdays, but I wanna change that. I wanna make sure she gets a wonderful day she will remember for the rest of her life.” She paused. “And I can’t do it without you. So, what do you say?”

“I, uh...” Spike looked up and their eyes met. Like he could possibly refuse when she put it that way. “Have to make some phone calls.”


TBC

Saturday came, and when Spike opened the door to his apartment and stepped inside – after having spent the last couple of hours working at the gallery – he wasn’t overly surprised to find Buffy already waiting for him in the living room. It was her day off, and he had suspected that she would avoid going back to her house and face her mother, knowing what day it was. Buffy’s birthday. Closing the door behind him, he shrugged out of his coat. “Honey, you’re home,” he joked.

Her face lit up when she saw him and she jumped up, rushing over to him and throwing herself in his arms. “Hi, baby! I missed you.” She tugged on his hand and started pulling him towards the couch, a wide grin on her face. “Okay, you have to tell me everything! How was your first day working with my mom?”

“Was all right. Your mum’s pretty cool.” He raised a brow as he sat down next to her. “Been here all day?”

Buffy bit her lip, suddenly looking a little nervous. “You don’t mind, do you? I just...” She hesitated. “I was really tired. Didn’t really feel like going anywhere today.”

“Course I don’t mind, you know that. Gave you a key, didn’t I? You can come here any time you want.” He leaned in to give her a soft peck on the cheek, not missing the relieved look on her face. As he cast a discrete look at his watch, a part of him was starting to feel uncomfortable. For one thing, he didn’t like keeping things from Buffy. Not to mention the fact that he now had less than two hours to convince her to go back to her house – alone.

She snuggled closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. “Mom didn’t make you work too hard on your first day, did she?”

He shook his head, putting his arms around her and hugging her close. “Not at all.”

“That’s good.” Buffy smiled as his fingers started playing with her hair. “You know, I’ve been thinking about tonight. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a quiet night in, doing absolutely nothing? We could just stay here, maybe watch a couple of movies and eat a lot of ice-cream? I’m always in a mood for some chocolaty goodness.” She gave him a hopeful look.

Spike immediately felt guilt welling up inside him, knowing that he would have to turn her down. It was becoming painfully obvious to him that if it was up to Buffy to decide, this was how she really wanted to celebrate her birthday – alone with him, whether he knew what day it really was or not. Suddenly he couldn’t help but think that maybe a surprise party wasn’t such a good idea after all.

Still, he kept hearing Joyce’s words, playing up over and over again in his head like a broken record. I know how Buffy feels about her birthdays, but I wanna change that. I wanna make sure she gets a wonderful day she will remember for the rest of her life.

She had been so excited about this party, wanting everything to be absolutely perfect. Then again, Spike supposed it wasn’t even really about the party in the first place; the woman just wanted to do something nice for her daughter, trying to give Buffy some happy memories of her birthday like she had always deserved. And how could he deny her that? How could he possibly deny any of them that?

“Sounds really tempting, pet. But your mum asked me to tell you she wanted you to come home tonight. Maybe tomorrow?” He swallowed, avoiding Buffy’s eyes.

“What?” Buffy’s face fell and she suddenly looked alarmed. “Why?”

Shrugging, Spike kept his eyes straight ahead, feeling like a real jerk. “Dunno. Said something ‘bout dinner. Guess she just wants to spend some time with you. You know, with her being away a lot and all.” Inwards, his words made him cringe. He really hated lying to her, even if it was in fact for a good cause.

Buffy looked at him for a moment, suddenly feeling like her head was spinning. For some reason, Spike didn’t seem to want to look directly at her, and she couldn’t help but wonder what that was about. And secondly; her mom wanted her to come home for dinner? On her birthday? What a coincidence! And here she had been hoping that just this once, this dreadful day would simply pass unnoticed.

Thankfully, Spike seemed to be oblivious, though. She had feared that her mother would tell him about her birthday before she got the chance, but if that was the case, surely he would have said something by now. Thinking about it, dinner with her mom didn’t sound too bad, but she would much rather spend the night alone with Spike. Then again, her mom would hopefully understand if she wanted to leave early and get back to her boyfriend. And then she could tell Spike what day it was and explain why she hadn’t said anything sooner.

“All right.” She held back a sigh, deciding to ignore Spike’s strange behavior for now and just ask him about it later. “What time did she want me to be there?”


*~*~*

“Hi, Mom!” Buffy called out as she stepped through the door and closed it behind her. “I’m home.”

“Oh, hi, sweetie!” Joyce greeted her with a smile, stepping out of the kitchen with a pair of red oven mitts on her hands. “Happy birthday.”

Don’t know about that, Buffy thought, although she didn’t speak the words out loud. Instead she forced a smile. “Really, Mom, you shouldn’t say that. Now you’ll just jinx us. The house will probably catch fire or something.”

Joyce’s smile faltered a little and she gave her daughter a look of concern. “Honey, is something wrong?”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “I’m kidding, Mom. Everything’s just peachy.”

Not looking totally convinced, Joyce nodded. “Good. Dinner’s almost ready. Why don’t you go wait in the dining room?”

“Sure.” Buffy dropped her jacket on a chair. Then she looked at her mother, a teasing note in her voice as she went on; “Guess I should be grateful you didn’t force me to invite everyone I know this year.”

Joyce smiled. “Oh, I would never do that.”

“Thank God for that!” Buffy shuddered as she headed towards the dining room. “Have to admit, I was kinda hoping you’d forgotten what day it is. This is all right, though, I guess. Kinda nice with just the two of us for a change.” She stopped in the doorway and glanced at Joyce over her shoulder. “’Cause honestly, so not in a mood for being social tonight.” Then she stepped through the door, only to stop dead in her tracks on the other side.

Willow and Xander were sitting by the table, smiling at her somewhat uncertainly. “Um, happy birthday?” they mumbled in unison.

Buffy stared at her friends in shock, then turned towards Joyce who had followed her into the room, looking at her mother with a bewildered expression on her face. “Huh?”


*~*~*


Xander was the first to break the silence, letting out a nervous laugh. “Hey, Buff! Good to see you. We were gonna hide before you came in and then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’, but then we figured it might be a bit too much.” Willow giggled nervously, waiting for Buffy’s reaction.

“Um...” Once she had snapped out of the shock, Buffy shook her head, as if to clear it. “You’re probably right about that.” She put on a strained smile as she turned to her mother again, understanding finally dawning on her. “So, you didn’t make me invite my friends over, because you had already done it for me. Clever, Mom. You shouldn’t have.”

Joyce walked over to Buffy and gave her a hug. “Don’t be ridiculous, honey. I know you’re not much for celebrating, but I’m sure you understand I just couldn’t let this day pass unnoticed. It was no big deal.”

“No, I mean, you really shouldn’t have.” Buffy sighed as she returned her mother’s hug, then pulled back and glanced at her friends. Great, now they would think she didn’t want them here. This was exactly the reason why she hated surprises. At least it was just Willow and Xander; she should be grateful for small favors. With her luck, she might as well have stepped into a room full of people she hardly knew.

“Happy birthday, B!”

Buffy spun around at the sound of a familiar voice behind her. “Faith?”

“Don’t tell me you’re surprised to see me.” The dark-haired girl had a cocky expression on her face. “It’s my cousin’s birthday; I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” She raised a brow as she looked at Joyce. “As long as there’s cake, of course,” she joked.

Closing her eyes and then silently counting to ten, Buffy turned to Joyce. “Mom? Can I talk to you for a moment, please? Alone?”


TBC

”I can’t believe you did this.” Storming into the kitchen, Buffy knew her mother would follow. She spun around, arms crossed over her chest. “You know how I feel about these things.”

Joyce sighed. “Yes, I do. And that’s why I decided to surprise you, because if I had told you about this, you wouldn’t have showed up. This year will be different, you’ll see. I’ll make sure of that.”

“That’s not the point, Mom.” Buffy could feel a headache coming up. “Look, I realize what you’re trying to do and I appreciate the thought, but you shouldn’t have gone behind my back like that. Now everyone’s gonna think I’m some kind of ungrateful bitch for not jumping for joy over this.”

“I’m sorry you feel like that, honey.” Joyce watched her daughter for a moment before she continued. “I always loved my birthdays when I was a little girl. I used to look forward to that one special day for months. I guess it just breaks my heart that you don’t feel the same way.”

“Well, that’s the thing. I don’t.” Buffy struggled not to let her irritation show, hating to hurt her mother’s feelings. “I’m sorry, Mom. But I really wish you hadn’t gone through all this trouble.”

“Just give it a chance, will you? For me?” Joyce smiled a little. “You might actually enjoy yourself.”

Buffy closed her eyes for a moment, then nodded in defeat. “Fine. I’ll go back in there with a smile on my face, eat cake and pretend to be happy.”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic.” Joyce gave her a look of disapproval. “It’s just your friends in there.”

“And Faith.” Buffy rolled her eyes. “Really, Mom, why did you have to invite her?”

Joyce got a surprised look on her face. “Buffy, Faith is your cousin. Besides, I know you two haven’t always gotten along in the past, but I thought things were different now. After all, you did go to that club together last month when you spent the night at her place.”

“Yeah, about that...” Buffy’s voice trailed off as she suddenly recalled the events of that night. Last month, her mom said. Strange. It felt like a lifetime ago. The memories came rushing through her mind, playing up like pictures in her head.

She and Faith taking over the dance floor, pretending to be unaware of the attention they were getting from practically every single man in the club.

Angel coming up to her, looking her deep in the eyes before taking her hand, leading her down from the dance floor towards the exit.

Angel kissing her fiercely in the dark alley behind The Bronze, right before ripping her clothes off and pinning her to the ground.

Spike showing up, kicking Angel’s ass and changing her life forever.

Spike...

They had been nothing but strangers to each other back then; two strangers who just happened to be at the same place at the same time. And Buffy knew that if she hadn’t followed Angel outside that night, they would most likely still be. It was a horrible thought, being grateful for almost being raped in an alley. But in a way, that was how she felt.

Sure, they could have met under better circumstances, no point in denying that, but what really mattered was the fact that they had met at all. For that, Buffy would always be grateful. And she knew without doubt that Spike felt the same way. Speaking of Spike...

Buffy snapped out of her thoughts and looked at her mother. “Wait a minute. Spike’s not here? You invited my friends, but somehow you forgot to mention this to my boyfriend?!”

Joyce opened her mouth, but Buffy went on, an incredulous look on her face; “What, you didn’t think I’d want him to be here? You go on and on about this being such a special day, and you don’t think I wanna spend it with the one person who means the most to me?”

“Hey...” Buffy jumped, startled by the voice coming from behind her, and spun around, only to find herself looking into the deep blue eyes of her boyfriend. Spike looked amused. “Give your mum a break, yeah? Wouldn’t miss this for anything, you silly bint.”

She stared at him, mouth open. “Spike? You know what day it is?!” Okay, that sounded stupid, even to her own ears.

“Saturday?” He smirked.

Buffy rolled her eyes. “You know that’s not what I meant, smart ass!” She couldn’t help but giggle. Then she met her mother’s eyes, and her smile faded. “Okay, feeling kinda stupid now.”

Joyce crossed her arms over her chest, giving her daughter a stern look. “Buffy Anne Summers, I’m deeply disappointed in you! Did you actually believe I would throw you a birthday party and not invite Spike?”

“I... No, of course not, I...” Buffy cringed with embarrassment. “God, I’m sorry, Mom, I didn’t mean...”

“Relax, honey, I’m just giving you a hard time.” Joyce smiled, making it clear that she wasn’t really upset. Then she became serious. “Buffy, I know this is not what you wanted for tonight, and I’m sorry you feel like I went behind your back. But I want you to know that I only did it because I love you. I just want you to be happy, sweetie.”

Buffy swallowed, suddenly feeling like the most horrible person ever. “I know, Mom. I love you, too. And this is... it’s really nice. Really. Thank you.” She forced a smile. Then she glanced at Spike. “Um, I don’t know if I should be mad at you for tricking me, or apologize for not telling you about my birthday. Is it okay if I do both?” She gave him a sweet smile.

Spike let out a snort. “Oh, we’re gonna have a nice little chat when this party’s over, pet. But right now...” He ran his fingers gently down her face and leaned in as if to kiss her, smiled to himself as she closed her eyes, and then gave her a quick peck on the cheek. “Happy birthday, luv.” Holding his breath, he waited for the explosion. He just couldn’t help himself; he had to tease her a little.

He wasn’t disappointed by her reaction. Buffy’s eyes immediately snapped open and she stared at him in disbelief. “You call that a kiss? How lame was that?!” Joyce cleared her throat to remind her daughter that she was in fact still in the room. She pouted, giving her mom a pleading look.

Taking the hint, Joyce rolled her eyes and discretely slipped out of the room. Buffy smiled in triumph, turning back to Spike with an expectant look on her face. He chuckled. “You want something?”

“Yes!” She mock glared at him. “How about a proper kiss, for one thing?”

“Hm...” He pretended to give it a lot of thought. “Dunno. Should probably get back out there. Don’t wanna keep your guests waiting.”

“Spike!”

He laughed. “Right. A kiss it is, then. Think that could be arranged. Come here.” Wrapping his arms around her, he felt her letting out a pleased little sigh as she happily melted into his embrace. He brushed a strand of hair out of her face and gently caught her lips with his, kissing her with as much passion as he could muster.

Unfortunately, breathing soon became an issue and Spike reluctantly pulled back. He smiled. “Happy birthday. That better?” She just nodded, still a little out of breath, grinning happily. “Right, then. Um...” He hesitated, suddenly becoming serious. “Look, I realize this probably came as a total surprise – which, I admit, was the whole point – but you’re not really mad, are you?”

Buffy’s smile faltered a little when she noticed the worried look on his face. She sighed. “No, I’m not mad at you. I’m not really mad at my mom, either. I just...” Now it was her turn to hesitate. “I’m kinda sensitive when it comes to my birthday, okay? I know it’s stupid, cause hey, everyone’s got them, right? It’s just that I haven’t exactly had the best of luck with my birthdays in the past.”

Spike nodded in understanding. “Your mum told me. I’m sorry, luv.”

“Don’t be, it’s no big deal.” Buffy waved her hand in dismissal. “Told you it was stupid.” He opened his mouth to object, but she firmly shook her head, suddenly feeling like a total bitch for whining about something as trivial as a couple of ruined birthdays. At least she had – unlike Spike – been lucky enough to grow up with two loving parents who actually gave a damn whether it was her birthday or not. Well, one parent, anyway, at least the last couple of years.

“S’not stupid, pet.” Spike took her hand and pulled her back into his arms, resting his forehead against hers. “Your mum’s right, though. Could be different this year.”

“Mm.” Buffy wrapped her arms around his waist. “Think it already is.” They stayed like that for a moment, then she pulled back a little and their eyes met. She could just lose herself in his eyes.

“So...” Spike slid his arm casually around her shoulders. “Feel like going back to your mates?”


TBC

”Gotta hand it to you, B.” Faith nonchalantly leaned back against the wall, a half empty bottle of beer in her hand. She looked somewhat amused. “Didn’t see this coming. Some people are just full of surprises.”

Frowning, Buffy gave the dark-haired girl a confused look as she took a sip from her diet coke. “What do you mean?”

Faith shrugged as she watched her cousin, a little curiously. “Just saying. Here I thought you still had a thing for Angel, and it turns out you’ve hooked up with Spike of all people. Have to admit, I never pictured you falling for the whole ‘bad boy’ routine. What, you figured blondie over there could teach you a thing or two so Angel would take you back?”

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest, not pleased with the turn the conversation had taken. “Okay, what the hell are you talking about?”

The other girl went on with a smirk, ignoring Buffy’s question; “’Cause in that case, I’m afraid you’re too late. That train has already left the station, if you know what I mean.” She raised a brow, looking quite pleased with herself.

Staring at Faith in bewilderment, Buffy’s eyes widened as realization finally hit her. “You mean...? You and Angel?!”

“That’s right.” Faith chuckled at Buffy’s shocked expression. “Don’t look so surprised. After all, Angel’s a man – he wants a woman who knows what she’s doing.” Clearly misreading the look on Buffy’s face, she explained; “Yeah, he told me all about your little snog fest outside The Bronze that night. Said you were all over him. Seriously, B, didn’t think you had it in you. I’m afraid he wasn’t too impressed, though.” She tsked and shook her head in mock sympathy.

Buffy glared at her, suddenly remembering why she violently disliked Faith from time to time. Sure, she could be fun to hang with sometimes, but it all came down to the simple fact that she could be a right bitch. However, Buffy suspected that half of the times, Faith wasn’t even aware of it. It was just the way she was; she wasn’t deliberately trying to be cruel. Still, her thoughtlessness often made Buffy furious, and right now was no exception. “I don’t know what Angel told you, but that’s a lie. I never...”

“Whatever...” Faith interrupted her, waving her hand in dismissal. “Just thought I’d let you know you’ve lost your chance there, is all. Then again, you’ve managed to catch a hottie of your own. Have to tell you, though, if I ever get tired of Angel, I wouldn’t mind giving Spike a go. I bet he could just make it hurt in all the right places...” She licked her lips as her eyes wandered over Spike, standing at the other side of the room and talking to Xander.

The way Faith was talking about Spike – not to mention the look in her eyes when she had the nerve to stand there and drool over her boyfriend – made Buffy see red and she clenched her fists in fury. “You stay the hell away from Spike, or else...!”

“Whoa!” Faith laughed, raising her hands in surrender. “Relax, B, I’m just kidding. Really.” Buffy opened her mouth, but she went on; “Have to admit, though, I’m actually kinda impressed. What’s your secret? I mean, I can’t remember ever seeing Spike out with a girl before. For a while there, I almost thought he was gay. Man, that would be a tragic waste! I mean, with a body like that...” She stopped herself, giving Buffy an apologetic shrug. “Sorry.”

Buffy was fuming. “Just shut up! You don’t know him.”

“Unfortunately no, but you obviously do.” Faith let out a chuckle. “What’s the matter, B? You jealous of me and Angel, is that it?”

That was so ridiculous, Buffy would have burst out laughing had she not been so pissed off. “Oh my God, you’ve got to be kidding me!”

“Then what’s your problem?” Faith looked genuinely confused.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy silently counted to ten before hissing between gritted teeth; “Faith, you’re so out of line, it’s not even funny. I’m not jealous, all right? Angel’s a bastard and I wouldn’t cry if he got wiped off the face of the earth. Did you know he tried to rape me that night? I bet he didn’t tell you that!” She stopped abruptly, having not meant to blurt that out.

Faith just stared at her for a moment, her eyes narrowing. “You’re lying.”

“Believe me, I wish I was.” Buffy grimaced. “Look...”

“No, I don’t wanna hear it!” Faith shook her head. “Just stop it, it’s pathetic. You’re just mad ‘cause Angel dumped you.”

“Yeah, okay.” Buffy snorted in disgust. “Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. But Faith?” The other girl gave her a wary look. “The land of denial might be a nice place for a while, but sooner or later, you’re gonna have to step out into the real world.” With that she walked away, leaving Faith to look after her, suddenly not knowing what to think.


*~*~*

“Hey.”

Spike looked up, nodding in greeting as Xander came up to stand next to him. He was still not feeling completely comfortable around the guy, although he had to admit, Xander had actually made an effort of being nothing but polite tonight. He supposed he owed it to Buffy to do the same. “Hey. There’s beer in the fridge if you want.”

“Really?” Xander’s eyes widened and he looked interested. “How did you get Joyce to agree to that?”

Shrugging, Spike took a sip from his bottle. “Made me promise to make sure things won’t get out of hand, which I fully intend to do.” He paused. “That, and keep an eye on Buffy and report back to Joyce if she so much as sniffs – let alone opens – more than one bottle.”

“Got it.” Xander laughed. “Man, responsibility sucks.”

“That it does,” Spike agreed. For a moment, they both stood there in silence. Glancing at Buffy’s friend, Spike got the feeling that Xander had more he wanted to get off his chest. He was just about to say something about it when he happened to raise his head and look across the room, and rolled his eyes at the sight that met him. “Oh, bollocks!”

“What?” Xander’s eyes followed Spike’s, curiously.

Spike grimaced. “Buffy’s cousin keeps staring at me, been doing it all night. Bloody annoying.”

“Who, Faith?” Xander immediately spotted the dark-haired girl across the room. “Right. She’s, um...” He hesitated, searching for the right word. “She’s a man eater. Fucks anything with a dick.” A pause. “A wild, savage beast, who knows exactly how to make a man...” Seeing how Spike’s brow went up, he stopped abruptly, clearing his throat. “Anyway, that’s what I’ve heard.” He suddenly seemed to find something very interesting on the floor, next to his feet.

“Right.” Spike shook his head, deciding that he didn’t really want to know.

“So...” Xander let out a nervous laugh, clearly wanting to change the subject. “She looks happy tonight. Buffy, I mean. At first I thought she might freak, though. Don’t know how much she’s told you, but she has a bad history when it comes to birthdays.”

“Yeah, heard ‘bout it.” Spike nodded, taking another swig from his bottle.

Xander was quiet for a moment. “Don’t let this get to your head, but I really think you’re good for Buffy. Refused to see it at first, but when she came to see me and Will the other day... Well, she seemed different, somehow. Happier. It was nice, you know? Seeing her like that.”

Spike raised a brow. “Right. Who are you and what did you do to the whelp?”

Looking a little embarrassed, Xander chuckled. “”Yeah, well, I’ve kinda met someone. You know what they say; love changes a person. In my case, I’d like to think for the better.”

“That right?” Spike gave him a curious look. “Who’s the lucky lady?”

Xander got a strange expression on his face, like he wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Then he shrugged, as if to say ‘hell with it’. “You already know who it is. Remember when we met at that diner a few weeks ago?” He looked away then, having the decency to look ashamed. “Buffy pretty much told me to go to hell, and I can’t really say I blame her. I, uh, kinda acted like a jerk at the time.”

“No kidding?” Spike let out a snort, then frowned. “Sorry, mate, not sure I’m following.”

“Remember the guy I was with? His name’s Jesse.” Xander looked up, meeting Spike’s eyes.

“I thought you said... oh!” Spike’s eyes widened comically, understanding dawning on him. “Oh,” he repeated, not sure what else to say. “Um, congratulations?”

“Thanks.” Xander looked a little relieved.

Spike suddenly felt like his head was spinning. “Um, no offense, but how come you’re telling me this?”

“Honestly?” Xander shrugged, a sheepish look on his face. “I have absolutely no idea.”

“Right, then...” Spike eyed him, somewhat warily, then cleared his throat. “How ‘bout that beer?”

Xander nodded, eagerly. “I’d say, that’s the best idea I’ve heard all night.”


TBC

”So…” Xander cleared his throat, quickly finishing his beer with a grimace. “Was kinda wondering, you know, the other day, when...” He put the empty bottle down on the kitchen table. “That man, who... was he, um...?”

Forcing back a sigh, Spike got up and headed for the fridge, opened the door and pulled out two new bottles. Placing one of them at the table in front of Xander, he remained standing, warily leaning back against the kitchen counter. “What?” He had a sinking feeling he already knew where Xander was going with this.

Xander was fidgeting nervously on the chair, clearly not entirely comfortable. “Buffy said he was your step father. Is it true?”

Opening the bottle he was holding, Spike downed half of the contents in one large swig. “Yeah. So?”

“Nothing, I just...” Xander hesitated a little. “Look, when I was growing up, my parents were fighting all the time. Still do, I guess. I try to avoid them as much as I can, these days.” He kept his eyes on his beer, a thoughtful expression on his face.

Spike frowned. “Your point being...?”

“My point is, I know what it’s like to grow up in a house where you feel unwanted most of the time.” Xander hurried on, not missing the alarmed look on Spike’s face; “Not saying our situations are similar in any way, ‘cause I really don’t know you that well. I’m just saying...” He hesitated again. “...if you ever wanna, you know, talk or something...”

Raising a brow, Spike resisted the urge to let out a bitter laugh. “What, you wanna be my shrink now?”

Xander looked a little hurt. “That’s not... Never mind. Just forget it.”

Spike didn’t respond at first. Instead he focused on his beer, ignoring the uncertain look Xander cast in his direction. Then he put the bottle down, glancing at the fridge as he considered getting another one. However, he reluctantly dismissed the thought, knowing that Buffy wouldn’t appreciate him getting sloshed at her birthday party. He rolled his eyes as he finally looked at Xander again, hating the fact that he actually felt bad for mocking him. “They ever hit you?”

“What?” Xander looked up, startled.

“Your folks.” Spike gave him a patient look.

“No!” Xander quickly shook his head, firmly. “They just yelled a lot, you know? Mostly wanted me to stay out of their way. So, I did.” He shrugged.

“Right.” Spike wasn’t sure how to respond to that. A part of him still had a hard time to take in the fact that he and Xander were able to have a civil conversation. Also, he found himself actually starting to like the guy, which was even more disturbing. He shook his head, as if to clear it. What he wouldn’t do for a smoke right now!

“Well, there was just this one time...” Xander went on, oblivious to Spike’s pondering. “My dad kinda grabbed me and pushed me into the wall. But I don’t think he really meant it. I mean, he felt really bad about it afterwards, he even apologized and everything.” He looked down at his beer, frowning when he noticed it was empty. “Huh. Look at that. Got any more?”

Spike hesitated, knowing that Xander had probably had more than enough already, considering the fact that he was rambling about stuff that he would most likely come to regret in the morning. Then again, the more selfish part of him wanted to hear more. Never in his wildest dreams had he ever imagined that he and the whelp would actually have something in common. His mind made up, he nodded. “Yeah, sure.”


*~*~*

“Something wrong, Buffy?” Willow tried to keep the concern out of her voice, well aware of the absent look on her friend’s face.

“What? No. Of course not.” Buffy smiled, although it came out a bit strained. “I was just...” Her voice trailed off as she saw Faith saying something to her mother before glancing in her direction and then slip into the kitchen. Looking around the room, she immediately noticed that Spike was nowhere to be seen. “Hey, Will, you didn’t happen to see where Spike went, did you?”

“Yeah, he and Xander went into the kitchen a while ago.” The redhead shook her head in amusement. “Poor guys. I think they’d had enough of the girl-talk. Your mom suggesting we’d put on Grease and have a sing-a-long was probably the last straw.” She giggled.

Rolling her eyes, Buffy let out a snort. “Should probably tell my mom to cut down on the sugar. She’s becoming downright scary.” Then she became serious. “Okay, maybe I’m overreacting, but Faith has had her skanky, ho-bag eyes set on Spike all night. I mean, not that I’m worried or anything, but...”

“And you shouldn’t be.” Willow put her hand on Buffy’s arm. “Buffy, anyone who has eyes can see that Spike’s totally in love with you.”

Buffy’s face softened a little. “I guess so.” Of course, deep down, she knew that Willow was right and she didn’t doubt Spike’s feelings for her for a second. Still, she couldn’t deny that it felt good to hear it from someone else as well. She trusted Spike completely. Faith, on the other hand – not so much. Her eyes narrowed. That bitch...

“Besides, as her cousin and the hostess of this party, you’ll have to play it cool,” Willow went on, then smiled like something had just occurred to her. “I, on the other hand, am fully entitled to hate her for you. If you want, I can stalk her around the house and glare at her.”

Staring at her best friend in disbelief, Buffy then burst out laughing. “Thanks, Will, but I don’t think that’ll be necessary.”

“Whatever you say.” Willow shrugged. “Just remember that the offer still stands.”

“I’ll remember.” Buffy once again glanced towards the kitchen, then shook her head as she firmly told herself to push her ridiculous jealousy to the back of her mind and try to enjoy the rest of her birthday party.


*~*~*

“What do you think they’re talking about in there?” Gulping down what was left in his forth bottle, Xander nodded towards the living room. “Hey, let’s eavesdrop!” He jumped up from the chair.

Spike rolled his eyes. “Not like they banned us or anything. You can just go in there.”

“Yeah, but...” Xander got a goofy grin on his face. “Where’s the fun in that?” He was slurring a little, and swayed dangerously when he headed towards the closed door.

Shrugging, Spike made himself busy clearing off the table, carrying all the empty beer bottles over to the sink. He had to chuckle as he saw Xander put his ear to the door, clearly intending to listen in on the conversation on the other side. Not that he would ever admit it, should anyone ask, but he was actually having a good time. Xander wasn’t half bad, and it was kinda nice to have another bloke around to talk to. Male bonding, and all that rot – something he hadn’t even known he had been missing.

Now he raised a brow. “Are you...?”

“Sshh!” Xander waved his hand in the air. “I’m trying to... Ow!” He stumbled back as the door suddenly swung open and hit him straight in the face. Blinking in confusion, he stared at the person who had just entered the kitchen. “Faith?”

The dark-haired girl ignored him and walked past him into the room. Spike looked at Xander, his face a mixture of amusement and concern. “You all right, mate?”

Xander nodded with a grimace, rubbing his cheek. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Then he turned to Faith. “What are you doing here?” he slurred.

Faith shrugged, a smile playing on her lips. “Figured I’d check where you guys had ran off to.” Although her words were directed at both of them, she kept her eyes on Spike. “Tell me, what does a girl have to do to get a drink around here?”

Spike gestured towards the fridge. “There’s beer in there. Help yourself.” He grabbed a dishcloth and started wiping the table.

Looking a little taken aback, Faith nodded and headed for the fridge. Then she stopped, like she had just remembered something. “You know, I talked to Joyce and she said she won’t mind us moving the party over to The Bronze. What do you say?” Again, she was looking directly at Spike.

Looking up from the table, Spike glanced at Xander before turning back to Faith. “What about Buffy?”

Clearly misreading his question, Faith just waved her hand in dismissal. “Oh, she can come, too.”

Rolling his eyes, Spike gave her a patient look. “I meant, what did she have to say about your idea?”

“Oh.” Faith looked surprised for a moment. “I’m sure she’s up to it.”

“Right.” Spike shook his head. “Think I’m gonna have to pass on that. But you feel free to leave any time.”

Faith’s eyes darkened for a moment, however, she quickly covered up and gave him a flirtatious smile. “Come on, blondie. You know you want to. I mean, seriously.” She snorted. “What does Buffy have, that I...”

“He said he didn’t wanna go, Faith. Now leave him alone!” Xander walked up to Faith, stumbled on his feet but managed to remain standing, and looked her straight in the eyes, doing his best to look intimidating.

Sadly, his heroic act didn’t have the effect he had been hoping for, as Faith burst out laughing. “That suppose to scare me? You’re nothing but a pathetic little boy, Xander Harris. You were a lousy fuck-buddy, by the way, but you already knew that. I mean, the chicks aren’t exactly standing in line, are they?” Seeing how Xander lowered his eyes in shame, she got a smug look on her face.

“Oh bloody hell... Hey, that’s enough!” Spike tossed the dishcloth in the sink and glared at Faith, but remained where he was. The fact that the annoying bint was related to Buffy was the only thing that kept him from grabbing her and throwing her out the door. As if she had been able to read his mind, Faith’s smile widened. Xander gave him an apologetic look, mumbled an excuse and hurriedly slipped through the door back into the living room. Spike closed his eyes for a moment, holding back a sigh.

“Well, well... How ‘bout that?” Faith was grinning, widely. “Alone at last...”


TBC

”There’s my birthday girl!”

Buffy was just about to excuse herself and go look for Spike in the kitchen – definitely not because she felt the need to check up on him and Faith; she just happened to miss him, at least that was what she firmly told herself – when the front door opened. She spun around at the sound of a very familiar voice. “Dad?” Her face lit up and she rushed over to her father, only to stop in her tracks when she noticed that he hadn’t showed up alone.

“Hi, pumpkin.” Hank Summers smiled and gave his daughter a hug. “You didn’t think I’d miss your birthday this year, did you?”

Instead of answering, Buffy gestured towards the tall, pretty brunette standing next to her father. “Who’s that?”

“Oh.” Her father suddenly looked a little uncomfortable. “This is Amy. Amy – my daughter Buffy. Amy was nice enough to give me a ride here. Can you believe my car broke down, just when I was...”

Buffy interrupted him, a disbelieving expression on her face. “You brought your secretary?! She practically spat the word out, not missing the fact that the girl clearly was closer to her age than to her father’s.

Hank had the decency to look ashamed for a moment, but then he gave her a somewhat annoyed look. “Buffy, you don’t have to be rude. I told you about my car. What was I supposed to have done – walked from LA to here?”

Amy let out a nervous giggle and took a step forward, tossing her long, shiny, shampoo commercial hair over her shoulder. “So, you’re Buffy? Hank has told me so much about you...”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure he has.” Buffy rolled her eyes, not bothering to be polite. This was a nightmare.


*~*~*

“So...” Faith raised a brow, suggestively. “I was just thinking; we don’t have to go to The Bronze. We can just have our own private little party out here. I’m sure nobody’ll even miss us.”

She took a sip from her bottle, her eyes wandering over his body in a way that made Spike’s skin crawl. It was the same way she had been looking at him all night, and although he had found her behavior most annoying, he had done his best to simply ignore her. At least she had just been watching him from afar. But now, when it was just the two of them in the room, she was flirting with him shamelessly.

“I’d say, that’s not likely to happen.” Spike let out a snort, taking a few steps back to put some distance between them. “Look, Faith, whatever game you’re playing here, s’not gonna work, so just drop it, all right?”

For a moment, her eyes turned cold. Obviously not used to being rejected, her jaw clenched. However, she quickly recovered, the confident smile back on her face. “Just who are you trying to convince? Me, or yourself?” Faith took a step closer, tilting her head to the side.

Spike sighed, wishing Xander hadn’t left. He really didn’t want to cause a scene, with Buffy and her friends in the next room, but it was obvious that Faith wasn’t about to back down. Why she kept making her pathetic attempts of coming on to him when he had made it perfectly clear, over and over again, that he wasn’t interested was beyond him. He sure as hell hadn’t done anything to encourage her, quite the opposite.

Faith kept approaching him, slowly, and Spike found himself starting to back away. When he realized what he was doing, he stopped and rolled his eyes. Not wanting her to know how uncomfortable she actually made him feel, he gave her a cold look. “All right, that’s it. Tried to be nice, but you’re obviously too stupid to take a hint. Just sod off!”

Strangely, his hostile words seemed to have the opposite effect on Faith, seeing how her grin only widened. “Ooh, testy! Lucky for you, I have the perfect way to help you relax.” They were suddenly standing face to face, and she ran her tongue over her teeth. “I’ll let you in on a secret, blondie. I don’t want you to be nice.”

Spike jerked back when she made a motion to touch him. “Get the fuck away from me!” She was getting way too close for his liking, and he felt himself starting to panic. Shoving her aside, he tried to step past her, feeling a desperate need to put as much space between them as possible.

Unfortunately, his obvious reluctance only seemed to turn her on even more, and she quickly jumped in front of him, blocking his way. “Come on, Spike, you know you want me. Don’t worry about Buffy. I won’t tell if you won’t.” Before he realized what was happening, she slid her arms around his waist and pushed him up against the wall, pressing her lips fiercely against his.


*~*~*

“Hello, Hank.” Joyce’s voice was cold when she addressed her husband. “I’m so glad you could make it. Must have been difficult to tear yourself away from your...” Her eyes narrowed as she eyed Amy. ”...work.”

Hank put on a strained smile. “Well, our little girl’s turning eighteen. Wouldn’t wanna miss that.”

“You already did. That was last year.” Joyce was fuming now. “Buffy’s turning nineteen today, Hank. Not that I expected you to remember” She glared at him.

“Please, just stop.” Buffy gave her mother a pleading look, hit by the painful realization that with her parents already fighting, this birthday would clearly not be any different from the previous years. She should have known it was too good to be true.

“I’m sorry, honey.” Joyce suddenly looked tired. She then turned back to Hank. “I guess it’s too much to ask for you to start acting like a father all of the sudden.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” Hank was starting to look annoyed. Amy was standing next to him, looking like she wished the floor would open up and swallow her. Buffy couldn’t blame her.

“And what the hell were you thinking, bringing her here?” Joyce went on, furiously, nodding towards Amy. “I realize our marriage don’t mean much to you anymore, but I didn’t expect you to come here and rub it in, and tonight of all nights. For God’s sake, Hank, have you no decency left at all?” Hank opened his mouth, but she raised a hand to stop him. “I don’t wanna hear your lame excuses. You’re here now. I suggest you take the opportunity to spend some time with your daughter. I need a drink, excuse me.” With that, she turned around abruptly and headed for the kitchen.


*~*~*

Finding himself trapped in the corner with no place to go, Spike was unprepared for the sudden wave of nausea that welled up inside him, threatening to consume him. The feeling of Faith’s breath against his face – not to mention the way her hands were touching him – was sickening and he felt the walls closing in on him.

Lashing out in blind panic, he pushed her away from him and – before his mind had even registered what he was doing – punched her right in the face. “Don’t touch me, you fucking bitch!”

Gasping in pain and surprise, Faith stumbled back, her hand flying up to cover her bleeding nose. “You hit me!” She stared at him in shock, blood trickling down between her fingers. “You – you freak!”

He was shaking violently, his fists clenching hard. “Told you to get away from me,” he hissed, suddenly horrified by his violent action. He had reacted instinctively, and the shame and humiliation was now starting to overwhelm him.

“What’s going on here?” Joyce was suddenly standing in the doorway, her eyes widening when she saw Faith’s bloody nose. “Oh God, what happened?”

“He hit me.” Faith spoke up, grimacing as she carefully removed her hand and stared at the blood in what seemed to be confusion, or possibly disbelief. She went on, her eyes stubbornly locked on Spike; “He tried to come on to me, and when I told him to stop, he hit me.” Wiping her hands on her jeans, she glared at him in fury.

“You’re off your bleedin’ rocker! I...” Spike stopped as he saw the expression on Joyce’s face. Shock, turning into disbelief, and finally into disappointment. And it was directed at him. He swallowed, hard. “Wasn’t like that,” he mumbled. “I was...”

Joyce interrupted him. “You didn’t hit her?”

Spike closed his eyes, realizing that he had screwed up for real this time. “Yeah, I did.” He let out a bitter laugh. “Don’t suppose you’d let me explain.” Glancing at Faith, his eyes narrowed when he saw the smug look on her face. She was enjoying this, no question about that.

“Explain? I don’t see how...” Joyce stopped, shaking her head. “This is just...” She hesitated. “I think you’d better leave.”

He opened his mouth, then closed it again, staring at Joyce as her words started to sink in. “But...”

“Please.” Joyce raised a hand to stop him. “I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, but I’m not tolerating any kind of violence in my house. I’m disappointed in you, Spike. I didn’t think you were the kind of person who would do something like this.”

“Right.” Spike nodded in defeat. “Guess there’s a lot of things you don’t know ‘bout me, then.” Casting a final look at Faith, he let out a snort of disgust and walked out the door without another word.

Joyce stared after him for a moment, then seemed to snap out of it and rushed into action, grabbing a towel. She handed it to Faith, who had yet to speak up again. “Here you go. Let’s get you cleaned up.” Faith pressed the towel against her nose without a word, allowing Joyce to lead her over to the kitchen sink. “I can’t believe...” She stopped as the door from the living room suddenly swung open. “Buffy?”

Buffy looked from her mother to Faith before crossing her arms over her chest. “Okay, care to explain just what the hell’s going on in here? And where’s Spike?”


TBC

”No way. I don’t believe you.” Buffy shook her head firmly, giving Faith a warning look. “Tell me what really happened.”

“I just did!” Faith avoided Buffy’s eyes as she stubbornly repeated her words. “Your precious boyfriend tried to kiss me, and...”

“No, he didn’t.” Seeing how Joyce opened her mouth to say something, Buffy went on before her mother got the chance; “I’m asking you one more time, Faith. What? Happened?”

Faith’s eyes widened in an attempt of looking innocent. “Don’t know what you’re talking about, B. It’s not my fault that guys find me so damn irresistible.” She smirked.

Buffy stared at her in disbelief, then let out a snort of exasperation. “Yeah, right... You wish! Like anyone in their right mind would find a ho-bag like you irresistible.”

“Buffy!” Joyce’s face was a mixture of shock and disapproval. “I realize what Faith is saying is hard for you to accept, but...”

“But she’s lying, Mom!” Buffy glared at her mother. “Spike would never in a million years do anything like that. She’s the one who’s been oogling him all night! So, unless she forced herself on him, there’s no way in hell...” She stopped abruptly and froze dead in her tracks as realization was starting to dawn on her. Blind fury welled up inside her as she turned back to Faith. “You didn’t! Oh God! You lying, selfish bitch!”

Faith’s smile disappeared and she quickly jumped back as Buffy started towards her, attempting to throw herself at her. “Whoa, B, chill! Fine, I tried to kiss him. Big deal. He hit me!” She brought her hand up to her swollen nose, grimacing.

“Good!” Buffy glared daggers at her cousin. “I can’t believe you did that, you – you slut!”

“Buffy, that’s enough!” Joyce spoke up, her expression turning dead serious. “I don’t care what Faith did; he had no right to hit her. That’s just inexcusable. I don’t want you to keep seeing Spike, do you hear me? He’s clearly unstable. Any man who is capable of hitting a girl... I mean, who knows what else...”

“Shut up, Mom!” Buffy forced back a sob, but was unable to keep the tears from streaming down her face. “You don’t know him. You have no idea what he’s been through.” She swallowed. “You can’t stop me from being with Spike.”

“What do you mean, ‘been through’?!” Joyce was obviously trying to calm down, but not quite succeeding. “I don’t see what could possibly excuse such a violent behavior. What could be worse than a man capable of abusing a woman physically?”

Buffy furiously wiped her eyes. “I don’t know.” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. “How about a man capable of abusing a little boy, sexually?” Her eyes widened as she realized what she had just blurted out.

“What do you...?” Joyce’s voice trailed off and she became silent. Her expression changed, and suddenly she looked confused. “Buffy, what are you saying? I don’t understand.”

Buffy opened her mouth, then suddenly remembered that Faith was still in the room. She turned to the dark-haired girl, a cold look on her face. “Get out.”

“All right, just wait a minute...” Faith looked at her with wide eyes, her mind obviously starting to take in just what Buffy’s words were indicating. “Look, I didn’t mean to...” She hesitated. “It was just a...”

“Just a game, right?” Buffy finished the sentence, shaking her head in disgust. “Everything’s a game to you, isn’t it, Faith? You see something you want but can’t have, so you just have to take it, no matter how many people you hurt in the process. Well, this time you’ve gone too far.”

She grabbed the other girl by the arm and shoved her towards the door. “I said, get out. The party’s over.” Faith opened her mouth to object, then – wisely enough – decided against it. Realizing that Buffy was indeed serious, she just nodded and slipped out through the door.

Joyce was quiet for a moment, silently watching as her daughter closed the door with a grim expression on her face. Finally she spoke, a worried note in her voice; “Buffy, why did you say that? I mean, sexual abuse is absolutely horrible, of course, but what does that have to do with Spike?”

Wishing she could just take those dreadful words back, Buffy lowered her eyes in shame. Of course, it was too late for that. “Never mind. Just forget it.” She swallowed, hard. “I gotta go.”

“What?” Joyce shook her head, firmly. “You’re not going anywhere, young lady. I want an explanation.”

“Mom, please...” She gave her mother a pleading look. “It’s my birthday. You promised this year would be different.” Joyce opened her mouth, but Buffy went on; “If you really meant that, then you’ll let me go see Spike.”

The older woman sighed. “Buffy, I don’t think...”

Buffy interrupted her. “Did you even give him a chance to explain what really happened?” She was quite certain she already knew the answer to that, but felt the need to ask, anyway.

Joyce looked a little guilty for a moment, her face softening. “Does it really matter? Buffy, I know you love Spike, but...”

“Yeah, I do.” Buffy let out a sigh. “Look, Mom, I’m sorry, but I don’t have time for this. I need to find Spike, make sure he’s okay.”

“Why wouldn’t he be...?” Joyce stopped, an uncertain look on her face. Suddenly she got the sinking feeling that her daughter wasn’t just referring to tonight’s events, and for a moment, she couldn’t help but wonder if maybe she had been jumping to conclusions when she had told Spike to leave. Was it possible that she had been misreading the situation somehow? As far as she was concerned, any kind of violence was simply unacceptable, but still, she was starting to suspect there might be more behind Spike’s unpredictable behavior than she first realized.

Maybe Faith wasn’t the only victim here after all. Suddenly Joyce was hit by the realization that Buffy hadn’t seemed to be very shocked when being told about what Spike had done, like a sudden fit of rage was no real surprise to her when her boyfriend was involved. Instead she had lashed out at Faith, but not as much out of jealousy – like Joyce had first thought – as of horror. For a moment, she didn’t know what to think.

Finally she nodded, not sure if she was really making the right decision, but not thinking she had much of a choice. “All right. Go. But we will talk about this when you get back.”

The relief on Buffy’s face spoke volumes. “I promise. Thanks, Mom.” She gave her mother a quick hug, and a moment later, she was gone.


*~*~*

“Where’s Buffy?” Willow sat up straight on the couch as Joyce entered the room. “Is something wrong?”

“Buffy had to...” Joyce was interrupted by a loud hiccup, coming from Xander who was half lying on the couch next to Willow, looking drowsy. She frowned. “Xander, are you drunk?”

Eyes widening in alarm, Xander shook his head and waved his hand in dismissal. “Nah, I’m fine.” Another hiccup, followed by a quite unmanly giggle. He gave her a sheepish grin. “Maybe juscht a little...” Frowning, he corrected himself; “Just a little.” A pause. “Or a lot.”

“I can see that.” Joyce sighed, shaking her head. “All right, listen. Buffy and Spike had to leave for a while...” Raising a hand to keep anyone from interrupting, she hurried on; “I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m certain everything is just fine.”

“Whatabout Faith?” Xander asked, slurring on the words.

Joyce hesitated for a moment. “Faith left as well.” She paused. “She won’t be coming back.”

“Well, isn’t that a pity?” Xander let out a snort. “Schtupid bitch!” Seeing the look on Joyce’s face, he quickly apologized. “Sorry.”

Hank took a step forward and turned to Joyce, looking quite annoyed. “Buffy had to leave? What’s that supposed to mean? It’s her birthday. We are all here to celebrate her, and she just decided to take off with her boyfriend? Really, Joyce, have you no control of your daughter?”

Losing the last of her temper, Joyce glared at her husband. “Oh, she’s just my daughter now? That’s it, Hank, I’ve had enough. You don’t wanna be here? Fine! You’re welcome to leave. Don’t let the door hit you in the...!”

“Okay!” Willow jumped up from the couch. “I think it’s time for us to leave, too.” Tugging on Xander’s arm, she managed to pull him up on his feet.

Xander groaned in protest. “Don’t wanna leave. Couch comfy.” He yawned. “And we didn’t get to give Buffy her present. She’ll be pissed!” A drunken giggle escaped him. “Hey, did you know ‘pissed’ means ‘drunk’ in British? I didn’t. Spike told me.” He burst out laughing. “Hey, I’m pissed! And Buffy’ll be pissed. We’re all pissed!”

“You got that right.” Willow glared at him in disapproval. “Xander, I can’t believe you got drunk at Buffy’s birthday party! What were you thinking? Did you even think at all?” She started towards the door, not bothering to check if he would follow.

“Hey, wait up!” Xander hurried after her. “Buffy’s not here. She won’t have to find out...” The two friends left the house, still arguing.

Joyce closed her eyes, feeling an upcoming headache. She realized that Buffy had been right all along. If only she had listened. Next year, there would be no celebrating, that was for sure. Sighing deeply, she headed back to the kitchen to pour herself a drink.


TBC

Buffy burst through the door to Spike’s apartment, her heart beating wildly in her chest. Having almost sobbed with relief when she spotted the large, black motorcycle outside, she had rushed into the building and up the stairs. Hit by the thick smell of cigarette smoke in the air, she couldn’t help but grimace. Well, at least she had found him.

“Watch your feet.” He didn’t look up when he spoke, keeping his eyes on the cigarette he was smoking. Buffy frowned, then looked down at the floor, her eyes widening at the sight of broken glass and various debris.

She swallowed. “Are you – are you okay?” When he didn’t answer, she bent down to pick up some of the glass pieces, not knowing what else to do. What she really wanted to do was to just run over to him and throw herself in his arms, but something made her hesitate, not sure of how he would react.

“Don’t.” Spike did look up then, an unreadable expression on his face. “It’s my mess – I’ll take care of it.” He dropped the half smoked cigarette into an empty beer can.

Opening her mouth to object, Buffy decided against it and nodded, slowly getting to her feet. She just stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do next. “Spike, I...”

“Didn’t mean to do it.” He interrupted her, a defensive note in his voice. “If you’re here to yell at me...”

“No!” She was at his side before her mind had even registered that she had moved, taking both his hands in hers. Their eyes met. “No,” she repeated firmly, gently running her thumb over his bruised knuckles as she realized that he had obviously taken his frustration and anger out on the wall as well. “I’m here because I was worried about you. I’m not mad.” She paused. “Wanna tell me what happened? I mean, I think I have most parts figured out, but...”

Spike lowered his eyes, the shame written all over his face. “Didn’t mean to hit her. I just...” He hesitated and she waited patiently for him to continue. “She was touching me!” he finally spat out. “Told her to stop, but...”

“I know.” Buffy cupped his cheek, watching the look of surprise on his face. “Spike, it’s okay, I understand. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Right.” He let out a bitter laugh. “Tell that to your mum.”

Buffy closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. “Look, about my mom...” Suddenly she was afraid of meeting his eyes. “Things got a little intense, and I kinda said something...” Seeing his alarmed expression, she hurried on; “More like indicated, actually, and I’m not sure she even got the concept of it.”

She decided that now was not a good time to tell him that Faith had still been around when she had accidentally let parts of his horrid secret slip out; she was not that stupid. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean...” Her voice trailed off and she gave him a pleading look, silently praying that he wouldn’t hate her.

Spike was quiet for a moment, then nodded in understanding and defeat. “Right. Might as well tell her the rest, then.”

“Are you serious?” She stared at him in disbelief, the fact that he avoided her eyes bothering her more than she was ready to admit. “You said you didn’t want anyone else to find out.”

He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter anymore.” Reaching for the crumpled packet on the floor, he pulled out another cigarette. “Just don’t...” As he picked up his Zippo lighter, she noticed that his hands were shaking. “Just don’t make me be there.”

“I’ll deal with my mom, don’t worry about her.” Buffy took the cigarette from him before he could light it, nodding towards the numerous butts on the floor around him. “Your lungs will thank me some day. Look, Spike, I realize you feel guilty about what happened, but that’s no reason why you have to...”

“Guilty?” Spike let out a snort, tossing the packet to the side. “Hate to disappoint you, pet – not that bloody noble. Bitch had it coming.” Buffy didn’t object, nor did she agree, she just kept looking at him and he sighed. “Doesn’t make it right, though,” he mumbled.

“Maybe not.” Buffy squeezed his hand. “Doesn’t make you a bad person, either.” He didn’t answer. “Spike, I’ve seen Faith with guys before; I know exactly how pushy she can be. I’m not stupid. You panicked, didn’t you? That’s why you hit her.” Spike remained silent, and his behavior was starting to freak her out. She had gotten used to his temper by now. But this apathetic side of him was much more disturbing. “Talk to me, dammit!” she finally snapped.

Spike didn’t even blink, showing no sign of being surprised by her outburst. He kept his eyes on their entwined hands, and she found herself wondering if he would have pulled away from her, had she not been holding on to him so tightly. “I’m sorry.” He sounded beyond tired, like he had no energy left. “Didn’t mean to ruin your party.”

“I don’t care about the party.” She had to suppress the urge to scream. “Screw the damn party. I didn’t even want it in the first place. Spike, I’m not blaming you for what happened. I don’t want you to apologize.”

“What do you want, then?” Spike leaned his head back against the wall, eyes closed to prevent the tears from falling. “Wanna know how I feel right now, s’that it? Feel sick, all right? That bitch touched me, and it still makes me wanna heave. Also feel disgusted with myself for reacting like I did, so there, you have it. Nausea and self loathing. Happy?” He didn’t raise his voice, realizing that he wasn’t even angry anymore. He just felt utterly drained.

“Why the hell would that make me happy?!” Buffy sounded angry, and Spike realized that he had managed to piss her off without even being aware of it. Not that it should really surprise him; it sure wasn’t the first time. To tell the truth, a part of him was more surprised by the fact that she had come here in the first place. He had been fairly certain that – after what happened – Joyce would be most reluctant to the idea of her daughter ditching her birthday party to chase after a woman abuser.

Well, how about that? He was the abuser now. How bloody ironic was that? Realizing that Buffy was still holding his hand – even though she was clearly upset with him – nearly made him weep as the familiar feeling of not being worthy of her affection was starting to sneak up on him. He had actually been naive enough to think that he had moved past that miserable state, but obviously he had been wrong. He was not going to breathe a word about it to Buffy, though. She was already mad at him.

“Didn’t mean it like that.” His voice cracked, much to his horror. The last thing he wanted right now was to break down like a bleeding nancy-boy. “Hell, Buffy, I don’t know what you want me to say. I...” He stopped, rolling his eyes. “Fuck, I need a smoke,” he muttered, patting his pockets.

“It’s gonna be okay.” Buffy’s arms slipped around him, causing him to tense up for a moment. She pulled his head down to rest on her shoulder and he let out a shuddering breath. “We’re okay,” she whispered, stroking his hair. “Nothing else matters.”

Spike wasn’t as confident, but did no attempts of putting his fears into words, having no idea how to even begin to explain. He was not okay, not by a long shot. Was this how things were supposed to be now, for the rest of his life? Him panicking and freaking out whenever someone would come too close? His abuser was long gone, but suddenly he couldn’t help but wonder if he would ever be able to feel truly at peace.

He had lashed out at Buffy plenty of times, only with words, though, thankfully never with his fists. Yet. But what if...? No! He was not going in that direction, nothing good would come from thinking like that. There was no reason for him to panic when Buffy was around. She was touching him right now, and he didn’t feel trapped – nor nauseous – in any way.

If anything, it made him feel relieved, like he could finally allow himself to let his guard down and rest. When he was with Buffy, it was like everything just fell into place, everything made sense. It was the rest of the world that was so bloody confusing; he just couldn’t figure it out. And it was exhausting.

Joyce’s reaction and obvious disappointment in him had struck him hard. The mere thought of coming clean to her about his past made him cringe, but suddenly he felt like it was the only option. Suddenly he found himself wishing there was someone he could talk to about all of this, somebody who could give him some kind of advice on how to handle things. Sure, Buffy was wonderful and she would without doubt be understanding, but that was just the thing – she would be too understanding, too eager to make things easier for him.

He appreciated Buffy’s support more than he would ever be able to express in words, and he would always love her for it, of course, but it was not what he needed right now. What he needed, he suddenly realized, was an objective opinion from someone who would have no expectations from him, no right or reason to judge him. And it suddenly hit him just who that person was.


TBC

”You wanna see Giles?” Buffy could hear how skeptical she sounded the moment the words left her mouth, but she just couldn’t help herself. She had not seen this coming. In fact, of all the things Spike could have said to her right then, she was quite certain that nothing would have surprised her more. She quickly recovered, though. “I mean, not that I don’t think it’s great. It’s just that you’ve been so against this whole therapy thing from the beginning. What made you change your mind?”

Spike wasn’t sure how to answer to that. “Dunno, I just…” He sighed, wishing Buffy wouldn’t make such a big deal out of it. ”Need to talk to him, is all. Know we have an appointment on Thursday, but...” He shrugged, helplessly.

Buffy nodded in understanding, thinking quickly. “Okay, um... You wanna see him before then? Like what, now?”

He let out a snort. “Yeah, ‘cause I bet Giles has nothing better to do on a Saturday night. Course I don’t mean right now!”

“All right, all right. Jeez! No need to be all sarcastic.” Buffy rolled her eyes. “So, when? Tomorrow? I could give him a call first thing in the morning if you want. He said to contact him anytime.”

“Yeah, okay. If you don’t mind. Except...” Spike hesitated, not sure how to explain to her that if she would wait until morning, chances were he would chicken out and try to talk her out of it.

Luckily, Buffy seemed to be able to read his mind. “You know what? Giles might be all booked and won’t be able to squeeze you in if we wait until the last minute. Why don’t I just call him right now?”

Spike knew he shouldn’t be surprised, but the fact remained – Buffy just never ceased to amaze him. It was almost scary how well she had gotten to know him. He was not stupid – if Giles wasn’t all booked by now, he would most likely not be in the morning, either. And if he was, well, then calling him tonight would not make a difference. But he wasn’t about to say anything, knowing exactly what Buffy was doing. He gave her a grateful smile. “Yeah. Good idea.”

Buffy nodded and placed a soft kiss on his cheek before she got up and left the room. Five minutes later, she returned. “Giles said he can see you tomorrow at ten-thirty. That okay?” Spike nodded. “Good.” She bit her lip, somewhat nervously. “You, um, want me to go with you, or...? ‘Cause I could, you know, if you want me to be there. I can wait outside.”

He tried not to sound as relieved as he felt, although he knew he failed, miserably. “Yeah, that’d be... Thanks.”

She was quiet for a moment. “Think my mom wants me to come home tonight. I’d rather stay, but...”

“No, you should...” Spike forced a smile. “You should go, luv. Talk to your mum, yeah? I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, but I’ll miss you.” Buffy let out a sigh. “I wish we could just live together. Then I wouldn’t have to go. I hate sleeping without you.” She pouted a little.

Spike’s eyes widened. Buffy wanted them to live together? Was that a hint, or just an innocent comment? Surely she hadn’t meant that literally. Right? Suddenly he didn’t know what to think. The idea of him and Buffy moving in together was overwhelming, but not in a bad way. What could possibly be more wonderful than waking up beside the woman he loved every morning? He sure couldn’t think of anything.

He wanted to ask her if she had really meant it, but was afraid to push his luck. Maybe he had been misreading her words somehow, then he would put both of them in an awkward position. No, he should just wait, see if she would bring up the subject again. That would be safer, less likely for him to get a rejection, should he ask Buffy for something she wouldn’t be ready for. Though a part of him berated himself for being such a bloody coward, he knew he had to be realistic. His barely existing self esteem couldn’t take Buffy turning him down.

“Spike?” Buffy’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts, and he gave her a questioning look. “Is it because of what happened tonight?” Seeing his confused expression, she explained; “What happened with Faith. That’s why you need to see Giles, isn’t it?” Spike’s eyes darkened at the mention of Faith and he opened his mouth, but she quickly went on, lowering her eyes; “You don’t have to explain, I was just wondering. Never mind.”

“No, s’all right. I...” Spike hesitated for a moment before taking her hand, pulling her closer to him. He needed her to be close, craving the comfort of her touch. She let out the breath she had been holding, snuggling up against his chest. His hand started playing with her hair, mostly in an attempt of trying to relax. “That’s a part of it, yeah.” He sighed. “Know you don’t like me saying it, but I just feel completely screwed up here. It’s all so bloody confusing, Buffy, I can’t...” He rolled his eyes in frustration. “I don’t...”

“Ssh, it’s okay, I understand.” Buffy wrapped her arms around him, holding him close. “For what it’s worth; I’m sorry. I know what happened tonight had to bring up some bad memories.” He nodded, burying his face in her hair. “I also know you’re strong enough to not let any of it break you.”

Spike pulled back abruptly, staring at her in disbelief. “Not let it break me? That’s bollocks! I’m already a bloody wreck! I’m not strong, Buffy. I panicked tonight. This tiny girl try to come on to me, and I nearly punch her fucking light out. Felt like I had no control of the situation, and I blacked out. Don’t you see? This is what Ethan’s reduced me to!” He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath.

“You’re going to see Giles tomorrow.” Buffy put her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “Which was your decision, not mine. Don’t you see? You’re starting to take control here, Spike. You realize something has to be done, so you do something about it. That’s called dealing. After spending all this time in denial, you’d have to be pretty damn strong to make a decision like that.”

Opening his mouth to object, Spike then closed it again as Buffy’s words started to sink in. He had not thought of it that way before. As far as he was concerned, the fact that he was in need of therapy for dealing with his past just made him seem weak and pathetic. But he suddenly realized that Buffy didn’t think of him like that. What he considered being a weakness, she saw as a sign of strength. She was convinced that there was still hope for him.

“It’s your life, sweetie,” Buffy went on, looking him straight in the eyes. “You can chose not to be a victim anymore.”

He swallowed. “Don’t know how to do that.”

“You don’t have to figure it all out by yourself.” She ran her fingers gently down his cheek. “I’m here for you. And if you’ll just give Giles a chance, I really think he can help you. But you have to do it for yourself. Not for me, or anyone else.”

Spike nodded, giving her a weak smile. “I know.” Then his eyes widened as he suddenly remembered something. “Oh, almost forgot. Here.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, velvet box, handing it to her a bit awkwardly.

Buffy gave him a look of surprise, an uncertain smile playing on her lips. “What’s this?”

He shrugged, suddenly nervous. “It’s your birthday, isn’t it? What, you didn’t think I’d get you anything?”

Her smile grew wider. “You got me a prezzie?”

Grimacing, Spike stubbornly avoided looking at her. “Yeah, well, s’not much. If you don’t like it...” He rolled his eyes. “Who am I kidding? You’ll probably hate it.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Buffy slapped him gently on the arm before carefully opening the box. “Of course I won’t hate it. I...” Her voice trailed off as she picked up a delicate silver necklace, with a small charm – shaped as a heart, attached to the chain. “Oh my God. Spike...”

Spike cleared his throat, keeping his eyes on the floor. “Just wanted to give you something to remind you...” He shrugged again, feeling more stupid by the minute.

“Remind me of what?” Buffy couldn’t take her eyes away from the small piece of jewelry in her hand.

He glanced at her. “That you’ll always have my heart.”

Buffy looked up then, her bottom lip trembling as their eyes met. “God, Spike, I...” She swallowed. ”It’s so beautiful, thank you. I love it.” A pause. “I love you.” Leaning in to give him a soft peck on the lips, she then pulled back and gave him a watery smile. “Put it on me?” Nodding, Spike took the necklace from her and Buffy turned around, holding up her hair. His hands were shaking slightly as he put it around her neck. She turned back, an expectant look on her face. “Well?”

“Perfect.” Spike tried to smile, but he suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. She was absolutely stunning. In fact, she had never looked more beautiful, and not because of the necklace; it was the look in her eyes. The way she was looking at him. “Effulgent,” he whispered.

“Mm.” Buffy slid her arms around his neck, sighing in bliss as his arms immediately went around her and she melted into his embrace. “Don’t know what that means, but it must be something good.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle, tightening his grip around her. “Happy birthday, luv.”


TBC

Buffy wasn’t overly surprised to find her mother waiting up for her in the kitchen when she got back from Spike’s place. Holding back a sigh, she closed the door quietly behind her. “Hi. Everybody left?”

Joyce nodded, tiredly. “Are you hungry? The dinner’s probably cold by now, but I could heat it up for you in the microwave. Or, there’s some cake in the fridge if you want.” Suddenly she looked sad.

In fact, having not eaten a thing since breakfast that morning, Buffy was famished, but she didn’t think she would be able to eat anything now, being too nervous about the inevitable conversation they were about to have. Reluctantly shaking her head, she forced a smile. “Maybe later.”

“All right.” Joyce hesitated. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.” Buffy bit her lip. “Mom, we need to talk. There are some things you should know.”

“I assume these things has something to do with Spike?” Buffy nodded. Joyce watched her daughter, expectantly, waiting for her to continue. “Well?”

Taking a deep breath, Buffy slowly made her way over to the table and sat down next to her mother. “Okay, before I start, you have to promise not to tell anyone. I mean it.”

“What’s this about, Buffy?” Joyce demanded. Seeing the stubborn look on Buffy’s face, she sighed. “I promise. I’m not going to like this, am I?”

“Doubt it.” Buffy looked down at her hands, suddenly unable to meet her mom’s eyes. “All right, look, I know you’re upset about what happened here tonight. With Faith?” Her mother just nodded. “Well, the thing is...” Buffy rolled her eyes. “Might as well start at the beginning. This’ll probably take a while...”


*~*~*

Choosing to give her mother the short version of Spike’s story, Buffy deliberately left out some of the most gruesome details, knowing that Spike – despite his acceptance of her telling Joyce – for natural reasons wouldn’t want her to know everything. Once she was finished, she looked up at her mom, waiting for her reaction.

Joyce had remained quiet the whole time while Buffy was talking. Now she stared at her daughter, an expression of absolute horror on her face. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, and Buffy realized that she was close to tears. “Why would someone...? How can anyone be so cruel?”

Having asked herself the same question many times, Buffy swallowed, shaking her head. “I don’t know.” She cast a glance at her mother’s pale face, for a moment fearing that she would be sick. “Mom? Are you okay?”

“Am I...?” Closing her eyes for a moment, Joyce seemed to snap out of the shock. “I’m sorry, I just...” She shook her head, as if to clear her thoughts. “Oh, God. I can’t even... This is horrible, Buffy. I...” She let out a breath. “I don’t know what to say.”

“That’s okay. I don’t blame you.” Buffy slumped back on the chair. “It’s just important that you understand that Spike didn’t mean to hurt Faith. He just... reacted, you know?” She tried to blink away the tears threatening to fall.

Joyce nodded in understanding, looking like she was about to start crying as well. “It was wrong of me to tell him to leave, I realize that now. I didn’t know.”

“You couldn’t,” Buffy replied softly, realizing that she was trying to make her mother feel better. “Look, he said I could tell you. But he doesn’t want you to feel sorry for him. He just...” She hesitated, searching for the right words. “Spike’s not a bad person, Mom. He’s just been through a lot.”

“I can see that, sweetie.” Joyce had a thoughtful expression on her face. “Buffy, I’m sure you understand that this is going to take some time for me to take in.” She paused. “Do you want me to talk to him? Apologize?”

“I don’t know.” Buffy sighed. “I don’t want him to feel more uncomfortable than he already does.”

Looking slightly annoyed, Joyce crossed her arms over her chest. “Buffy, I can be discreet about this. I don’t intend to put Spike – or myself, for that matter – in an awkward position. But if he’s going to keep working with me, we’ll have to talk to one another eventually.”

Knowing that she had a point, Buffy nodded. In fact, she was beyond relieved that her mother had brought up that particular subject, knowing that Spike had to be worried about already losing his new job at the gallery. Thankfully, that didn’t seem to be a problem. It looked like she had made the right decision after all; telling her mother about Spike’s past. One less thing to worry about.

“I should have listened to you. If I had just respected your wishes, none of this would’ve happened.” Joyce suddenly looked ashamed.

Buffy gave her a startled look. “What do you mean?”

Her mom sighed. “I knew how you felt, but I wanted you to have a decent birthday for once. It didn’t turn out that way. I’m sorry.”

Waving her hand in dismissal, Buffy managed a small smile. “Nah, don’t worry about it. Decent birthdays are highly overrated.” She grimaced. “Or, so I’ve heard.”

“That may be so.” Joyce got a serious look on her face. “But I promise; next year, we’ll do it your way.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Buffy gave her a grateful smile. Then she suddenly remembered something, and her smile faded. “Hey, what about Dad?” Deep down, she already knew the answer, but had to ask, anyway. “He left again, didn’t he?”

Joyce’s shoulders slumped and she looked away for a moment. Then she nodded. “Yes, he did.” A pause. “Buffy, there’s something I have to tell you. The timing is really bad, I realize that, but there’s no point in dragging it out; it won’t be any less painful if I wait until morning.”

Having a sinking feeling she knew where her mom was going with this, Buffy nodded, grimly. “Go on.”

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, I suppose.” Joyce let out a sigh. “Sweetie, your father is going to move out.” Buffy remained silent, waiting for her to continue. “First of all, I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. Your dad loves you, deeply.” She ignored her daughter’s snort and went on; “I know I sound bitter sometimes, but the truth is, these things happen. People grow apart.”

Letting out a bitter laugh, Buffy shook her head in disbelief. “You’re the one who used to scold me for defending him. Dad doesn’t care about us, and you know it.” She rolled her eyes, a sarcastic note in her voice as she went on; “He’s probably out there celebrating as we speak. Finally, he’s free.”

“Buffy...” Joyce hesitated. “I know it may seem that way to you. And maybe you’re right. I used to tell him he was a bad father; that he didn’t try hard enough. Maybe he got fed up with me, I don’t know. I’m sorry it had to come to this, because your father and I truly loved each other once. But lately, I’ve come to realize there’s just not enough love left between us. Believe me, honey, this is for the best.”

“Right.” Buffy swallowed. “You know, Mom, I’ve had my share of sucky birthdays, so nothing should really surprise me anymore. Have to tell you, though, I didn’t see this coming. Good for you.” She realized she was being unfair, but she just couldn’t help herself. It all just seemed like a bad joke, and she suddenly didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Maybe she could do both. She really wished she had just stayed at Spike’s place.

Joyce looked at her for a moment, then got up. “I don’t expect you to be okay with this right away. I mean it, Buffy, I’m sorry. But it doesn’t change anything. I don’t mean to sound insensitive – I do wish things could be different, that we could all live happily ever after, but it doesn’t always work out that way. You know that.”

“Yeah.” Buffy got up as well. “Look, Mom, I’m really tired. I think I’ll just go to bed.” Of course, she was pretty certain that even if she tried, she wouldn’t be able to fall sleep for a while, but it didn’t matter. Suddenly, she just wanted to be alone. And more importantly, she desperately wished for this day to be over. Things just had to be better tomorrow. It couldn’t possibly get any worse.

“All right, but...” Joyce suddenly looked uncertain. “Are you sure you don’t want any cake? The whipped cream will get mushy over the night, I know you don’t like that.”

Buffy squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself not to cry. She knew her mother didn’t mean to make her feel guilty, but she suddenly couldn’t help but feel like the most ungrateful daughter, ever. This wasn’t any easier for her mom, than it was for her. Her marriage was over, after more than twenty years. At least she still had Spike.

“You’re right.” Deciding to push her own misery to the back of her mind for now, she managed to give her mother a weak smile. “Actually, cake sounds great. I’m starving.”


TBC

Casting a look at the clock on the wall, Spike waited for the british man to say something. He had to admit that – although he still didn’t feel entirely comfortable – he was at least slightly more at ease being in the small office this time. He supposed it could have something to do with the fact that nobody had prodded him into coming here today; it had all been his idea. This time, he wanted answers – he wasn’t just desperately waiting for the time to pass so he could get out of there.

It also helped, knowing that Buffy was right outside, waiting for him. She had offered to come inside with him, but he had declined, although somewhat reluctantly, knowing that this was something he had to do by himself. He realized that she was proud of him for coming to that conclusion, and while knowing he had her full support meant a lot to him, he wasn’t doing this to prove a point. It was time for him to start taking some responsibility for himself.

If he wanted to ever be able to make peace with his past and move on with his life, he was the one who had to do something about it. Nobody else could do it for him. Painful as it may be, he now knew that he had no choice but to do what Giles had told him at the first session – face his inner demons, once and for all. No more running, or hiding, or trying to escape the truth. Because he never wanted to find himself in such a vulnerable position again.

His instinctive reaction to Faith’s actions last night had shaken him, deeply. Although a part of him still claimed that she’d had it coming – having stubbornly refused to back down, even when he repeatedly asked her to – he knew that it was wrong of him to use that as an excuse for hitting her. Faith had been out of line, sure, but violence was never really the answer. Not to mention the fact that the mere thought of actually having punched a girl in the face made him feel sick.

What was even more scary was that he had not even been aware of what he was doing until it was already too late; he had just reacted without thinking. Joyce’s words – how she hadn’t expected him to be the kind of man who would do something like that – had been like a wake-up call to him. Because he didn’t want to be that kind of man; unable to act rationally whenever he felt cornered, or threatened in any way. He didn’t want to live his life like that.

He was just so tired. Tired of pain, fear, guilt and self loathing. Tired of feeling worthless. He wanted to be able to look forward, to a life away from all of that. He wanted to experience the feeling of being truly happy. He wanted to move on. But he couldn’t do it alone, not even with Buffy’s never-ending support. He needed more help than even she could give him, he realized that now. The thought of facing his past was still frightening, no point in denying it, but for the first time ever, he actually felt like he was ready.

Of course, he had reached a point where he felt like he didn’t have much of a choice. Or maybe he did – if you could call keep running in circles until he just couldn’t take it anymore for a choice – but it wasn’t much of an option. Chances were, he would just end up going crazy, like his mother. That, or possibly jumping on his motorcycle one day and drive, full speed, over a cliff. The idea scared him half to death, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t see it happen.

He didn’t want that. He just wanted to heal. To learn how to pick up the pieces of his broken, sorry excuse for a life, and finally be a whole person. And if that meant having to swallow his pride and pour his heart out to the man now sitting in front of him, then so be it. Taking a deep breath, he glanced at Giles, suddenly realizing that the therapist was waiting for him to speak. And, much to his surprise, Spike found himself doing just that.


*~*~*


Glancing at the door leading into Giles’ office, Buffy couldn’t help but wonder what was going on at the other side. She tried not to think too much, knowing there was no point in worrying about something that was out of her control. Spike needed to do this by himself, and she – just as importantly – needed to learn to take a step back. Although a part of her wished she could be in there with him, in case he would need her, she had to respect his decision.

The simple truth was, she couldn’t protect Spike forever, not from his own life. She was not doing him any favors by allowing him to become too dependent on her. It wasn’t going to be easy – no point in denying that – but in the end, he was the only one who could face his past and beat his inner demons. She couldn’t do it for him, no matter how much she wanted to. It was of great importance for both of them – not to mention for their relationship – that Spike learned to stand on his own two feet instead of keep leaning on her.

It was almost scary how much Spike had already come to mean to her; it was like her love for him just kept getting a little stronger by each day. They hadn’t really known each other that long, but somehow, she felt like the bond between them went beyond time, like they were always meant to end up together. She wasn’t sure whether or not to believe in soul mates, however, she couldn’t help but think that if such a thing really did exist, she could stop looking.

Buffy knew without doubt that he felt the same way about her. She had never met anyone quite like Spike before; she couldn’t really explain it, but she felt that he loved her, not only with his heart, but with every fiber of his body. When she looked into his eyes, she was almost certain that she could see right into his soul. And even before he had dared to actually speak the words out loud, deep down, she already knew how he felt about her.

So, it went without saying. Along with love came trust, and right now, she had to trust Spike to be strong enough to handle this on his own. If they were to spend the rest of their lives together – and she wanted nothing more – then she needed to believe in his ability to fight his own battles. In fact, Spike was the strongest person she had ever met, the problem was just that he didn’t see it that way. And he desperately needed to learn to believe in himself, like she believed in him.


*~*~*

“Here is what I find interesting,” Giles started, having listened to Spike’s story in silence. “The reason why you are here today is because you feel like things are spiraling out of your control. But the way I see it, it’s quite the opposite. In fact, you coming here, willingly, tells me that you are finally ready to start facing the problem instead of keep living in denial. And that’s what control is all about.”

Spike nodded, slowly, a thoughtful look on his face. “Buffy said something similar.”

“I’m not surprised.” Giles smiled a little. “She seems to be a very clever girl.” Then he became serious. “Spike, I realize you wish to put what happened in the past behind you and move on. But it’s important that you understand that your past will always be a part of you. It will never go away.”

“Great.” Spike rolled his eyes. “So, you’re saying I’m doomed, no matter what I do. Thanks, doc. Makes me feel so much better.”

“You misunderstand me.” Giles leaned back in his chair, a calm expression on his face. “I can try to help you make peace with your feelings and emotions. Eventually, some of the painful memories will fade. But they will always be there, under the surface. We can spend years talking about it, but it won’t change what happened to you. It may sound harsh, but you were abused as a child, and that has shaped you and turned you into the person you are today. There is nothing I can say or do to make that fact any less true.”

“Right.” Spike slumped back into the couch. “Still not seeing your point.”

“My point is,” Giles continued, “that in order for you to be able to move on, you have to accept your past for what it is. Talking about it will help, even though it will most likely be painful. But the simple fact remains; it happened.” He paused. “Your future, on the other hand, is something you can be in charge of. And that is what we’re going to focus on right now.”

Spike frowned, not sure he understood where the other man was going. “Sorry, doesn’t make any sense. Think what I did to Buffy’s cousin last night proves that I’m not in charge of a bloody thing.”

“Your reaction may have been rather... unfortunate, but the message was bright and clear,” Giles insisted. “You were not about to let anyone hurt you again.”

Spike shook his head. “She wasn’t really...”

Giles interrupted him; “Still, your mind reacted on pure instinct, and that is only natural. It will take time, not to mention a lot of work, but you will learn how to handle yourself in vulnerable situations like that.”

Although not fully convinced, Spike decided not to object. “If you say so.”

“Now,” Giles went on, “when I said we’re going to focus on your future, I didn’t mean for us to let go of the past completely, since it all comes together. I have a suggestion for you, and I want you to take it under serious consideration before answering.”

Raising a brow, somewhat suspiciously, Spike got the feeling he wouldn’t like where this was heading. “What’s that?”

The therapist paused for a moment. “Tell me, Spike, how are your writing skills?”


TBC

The moment Spike stepped through the door, Buffy was up on her feet and on her way over to him. “You okay?” She tried to keep the concern out of her voice, not wanting it to sound like she had spent the last hour out here worrying about him.

Spike slid an arm around her waist and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. “Yeah, m’fine, pet.” It was obvious to him that she was waiting for him to elaborate, but he hoped she wouldn’t mind if he waited until they got back to his place. He really didn’t feel like having that particular discussion right here and now. Hopefully, Buffy would understand. And judging by the way she took his hand without a word, squeezing it softly, he had been correct about that.

Giles, who had followed Spike outside when the session was over, gave Buffy a warm smile. “I will see both of you again on Thursday, yes?” Buffy cast a brief glance at Spike before nodding. “Excellent.” The therapist paused. “I was wondering if I may have a word with you before you leave?” His words were directed at Buffy.

Frowning slightly, Buffy gave Spike a questioning look. He just shrugged. “I’ll just wait outside, then.” Itching for a smoke, he patted his pockets, eagerly.

Not missing the relieved look on her boyfriend’s face when he found what he was looking for, Buffy had to roll her eyes. But as soon as Spike was gone, she turned to Giles, a worried note in her voice. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong, Buffy. Just relax.” Giles clearly made an effort of sounding assuring, and she let out the breath she had been holding. “As a matter of fact, I believe things are going rather well. Although Spike still has a long way to go, he’s most likely heading in the right direction. The fact that he initiated this session today is a very important step in his recovery. You should be proud of him.”

“I am.” Buffy smiled in relief.

“Actually, I wanted to talk about you,” Giles went on, hesitating for a moment. “I would like to set up an appointment for you to come and see me by yourself, just like Spike did today. Would that be all right with you?”

“Um, I guess so. Sure.” Buffy shrugged. “If you think that’s necessary.”

“I do, indeed.” Giles nodded firmly before opening the small calendar he was carrying in the pocket of his tweed jacket. “Let’s see... Can you be here at Wednesday, two-thirty?”

Thinking for a moment, Buffy then nodded. “I’m off work at two, so that shouldn’t be any problem.”

“Very good.” Quickly scribbling something down in his book, Giles nodded in confirmation. “Two-thirty, then.”

Buffy nodded again. “Got it. See you then.” As she hurried out of the building in search for Spike, she couldn’t help but wonder what to expect from this. Sure, Giles had already mentioned separate therapy sessions the last time, but truth to be told, she hadn’t given it much thought since. It was probably a good thing for Spike, she pondered, but what was she supposed to talk to Giles about for a whole hour?

Then again, she probably didn’t have to worry about it too much. She already felt comfortable around Giles, and if he would have any suggestions for her how to further help Spike deal with his situation, then she was all for it. Besides, today was only Sunday, which meant that she had two whole days to get used to the idea.

It suddenly hit her that she and Spike hadn’t made any plans for the rest of the day, except for going back to his apartment and talk. And neither of them had to be at work until the next day. A happy smile spread on her face. Things were definitely looking up.


*~*~*

“You hungry?” Opening the the refrigerator, Spike frowned at the sight of the almost empty shelves inside. “Never mind. Looks like I’m gonna have to do some grocery shopping.” A pause. “Could always go out for lunch if you want?” He gave her a questioning look.

“Maybe later.” Buffy picked up a clean glass from the dish stand and poured herself some water from the kitchen sink, hesitating for a moment before she went on; “Well? You wanna tell me how things went with Giles?”

Shrugging, Spike walked over to the small kitchen table and sat down. “Wants me to write about what happened. Seems to think it’d be easier to deal with if I’d put it down on paper.” He grimaced.

“Really?” Buffy sat down as well, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Maybe he’s right.”

“I don’t know.” Spike rolled his eyes. “Wouldn’t even know where to start.” The truth was, although he had told Giles he would think about it, he had mentally rejected the idea immediately. The thought of trying to express his worst fears and nightmares through writing made him feel uncomfortable, to say the very least. Talking about it was one thing, but writing it all down would somehow make it feel so much more real. Then again, he reluctantly admitted to himself, it might be just what he needed.

After all, it was real, as Giles so firmly had pointed out. But he already had a hard time to put words on his feelings and emotions. This would be even more difficult. In all honesty, he wasn’t sure he could do it. But just in case Giles was right; that it might help him put it all behind him, maybe it was worth a shot. He glanced at Buffy, an uncertain look on his face. “What do you think?”

Buffy bit her lip, choosing her words carefully. “It’s really not up to me to decide whether or not you should do it.” He opened his mouth, but she went on; “But if you want my opinion, I’d say go for it. It’s not like you’ve got anything to lose if you’ll give it a try.”

“Right.” Spike didn’t appear to be totally convinced. “We’ll see.”

“Besides,” Buffy continued, “no one else has to read it, right? Just you. So you don’t have to worry about what others might think. Just think of it as a therapy session, without anyone asking any questions. It would be completely up to you what to write about.”

“Hm.” Spike tilted his head to the side, clearly taking her words under consideration. “Suppose you’re right.” He was quiet for a moment. “You’re saying you wouldn’t wanna read it?”

She gave him a surprised look. “Would you want me to?”

“Dunno.” He shrugged. “Not like you don’t know most of it already. I just...” He hesitated, not knowing how to explain. It wasn’t like he felt that he still had to hide anything from Buffy, but for some reason, he wasn’t sure how he felt about the idea of her reading his most inner thoughts and feelings, should he ever manage to sort it all out and write it down.

Buffy seemed to be able to read his mind. “I’m not gonna ask, if that’s what you’re worrying about. If you ever decide that you’d feel comfortable letting me read it, I’d be honored. But I would never push you about it. You know that, right?” She looked a little uncertain.

“Course I do.” Spike gave her an assuring smile, but she thought that he sounded a little relieved.

Suddenly she remembered something. “Oh, before I forget! My mom called. She asked me to remind you to be at the gallery at eight-thirty tomorrow morning.”

His smile faltered. “Sure she won’t fire me?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” Buffy put her hand on top of his. “I told you; she understands. She’s not blaming you for what happened.”

“Rather she did, actually.” Spike slumped back on the chair. “I mean it, Buffy. If she’s keeping me out of pity...”

“It’s not like that.” She interrupted him. “Mom hired you before she knew about any of this, remember? She likes you. And she wants you to keep working for her because she knows you’ll be doing a good job. That’s all.”

Spike didn’t know whether Buffy actually meant it, or if she was just trying to make him feel better. But he decided that it didn’t matter. He had a feeling that it wouldn’t take too long for him to find out how Joyce really felt about him now. Besides, he really needed the job, and should it turn out that Joyce was keeping him around because she felt sorry for him, maybe he would just have to swallow his pride and accept it. Even though the mere thought made him cringe.

“So...” He decided to let the subject drop. “What do you wanna do tonight?”

Buffy’s eyes narrowed for a moment, and he started to think that she wasn’t going to let it go that easily. Then she let out a sigh of acceptance. “I don’t know. Any suggestions?”

“Maybe.” Spike tugged gently on her hand, still covering his, happy when she let him pull her up from the chair and down on his lap without objections. Wrapping his arms around her, he started tracing soft kisses down her collar bone.

“Mm.” She closed her eyes for a moment, then pulled back a little. “Spike? Are you sure...?”

“Don’t.” He forced back a sigh. “Buffy, I love you. And I’m not gonna break, so don’t treat me like I’m made of bloody glass. If you don’t want me to...”

She silenced him with a long, deep kiss and he relaxed again. Then he felt her smile against his cheek. “Bloody glass? Sounds kinda messy.”

He chuckled a little and tightened his grip around her, burying his nose in her hair and inhaling the sweet scent of her shampoo. “Wanna move into the bedroom?”

“Just say the word, and I’ll move in permanently.” Buffy’s eyes widened when she realized what she had just said. She felt how Spike froze for a moment, and nearly panicked when he gently but firmly pushed her off his lap. But then he took her hand without a word and led her towards the bedroom, and she let out the breath she had been holding, knowing they were going to have a discussion about her not so innocent comment later. That was okay. After all, they had all night.


TBC

There was nothing enjoyable about sex. It was all about domination. Darkness. Everything was hard, cold and painful. And most importantly; love had nothing to do with it.

At least, that was the illusion he had been under, ever since he was old enough to understand the very concept of sexual relations. He had heard that with the right person, sex could be a good thing. Wonderful, even. It had to be a lie, though. Because nothing good could possibly come from something he so clearly associated with nothing but fear and humiliation. Or, so he had thought. Until he met Buffy.

“Spike, please...”

The way her eyes closed when his fingers found their way inside her, gently rubbing her clit, told him that this was the way it was supposed to be. He had been wrong for so long, misguided. Lost. But now, finally, the world made sense to him. Everything was all right. Because she had found him. Or he had found her. And he never wanted to let her go.

“God, don’t stop, please, need more, so good...” She was babbling now, breathing faster and faster as she begged him to continue, and he was too happy to oblige to reflect over the fact that he didn’t really know what he was doing. It was all still so new to him, but for some reason, he seemed to manage to do it just right. Because when she finally collapsed back against the bed with a muffled scream, panting hard, the look on her face when she met his eyes was one of pure bliss.

There were so many things he wanted to tell her at that moment, but the huge lump in his throat made it simply impossible for him to speak. So, he settled for looking at her, reaching out a trembling hand to brush a single strand of hair away from her forehead and then pressed a tender kiss to her temple.

Buffy’s arms found their way around his neck, holding him tight to keep him from pulling away, and he willingly melted into her embrace, kissing her hungrily until they both had to pull back for air. Resting his forehead against hers for a moment, he then rolled over so he was lying on his back, his arms still around her as if he couldn’t imagine letting go of her, even for a second.

A soft smile was playing on her lips. “Your turn...” she mumbled, suggestively. He just nodded, still not having found his voice. Buffy hesitated for a moment. “Trust me?” she then whispered, watching his face, closely. He nodded again, without hesitation. Her smile grew wider and she brushed her lips against his.

Then she slid down, her hand moving to gently cup his balls. She looked up at him for a brief moment, silently giving him a chance to back out. When his eyes just met hers, calmly, she let out the breath she had been holding and took his almost painfully hard cock into her mouth. Spike couldn’t help but gasp as she let her tongue softly run over the tip of his shaft, teasing him a little before taking him in deeper, fully focusing on adding to his pleasure.

“Buffy...” he breathed, thrusting his hips slightly in response, his entire body shaking from the effort of holding back. He didn’t want to come, not yet. He had been in hell for so long. Now, he felt like he had finally found his way into heaven, and he wanted to stay. His mind was racing, and at the same time, he was unable to form any coherent thoughts. Because all that existed at that moment was extreme, indescribable pleasure.

He had been right about one thing. What Ethan had done to him had been sick and twisted, and had nothing to do with love. But this was different. This was all about love, and he had nothing to fear anymore. Not as long as he was with Buffy. Because with the right person, sex wasn’t just a good thing. It was truly and utterly amazing.

When he finally found himself unable to last any longer, he managed to grunt a warning, fully expecting Buffy to pull away. Instead she just remained where she was, swallowing over and over again as he came right in her mouth, the warm, sticky fluid flowing for what seemed like an eternity. He could do little more than just stare at her, as she thoroughly licked him clean before collapsing on top of him with a content smile on her lips.

Opening his mouth to stutter some kind of apology, he then stopped himself, realizing that she didn’t seem to be disgusted in any way. If anything, she looked happy. As he relaxed, he couldn’t help but chuckle.

Buffy shifted a little so she could look at him, giving him a somewhat confused look. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” Despite his words, he was grinning like an idiot. “Just had an epiphany.”

“Well...” She curled up next to him, putting her head down to rest on his shoulder. “I could comment on your timing, but I don’t have the energy at the moment.”

“Right.” He started stroking her hair. “Bit knackered, myself. Could sleep for a while, if you want.”

“Nah, we’re not done, yet.” Buffy smiled, tiredly. “Don’t wanna sleep. Just gonna close my eyes for a moment.” She let out a happy sigh as he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. A moment later, she was deep asleep. And after a couple of minutes, so was he.


*~*~*

“Hey...” Buffy blinked, sleepily, failing to suppress a yawn. “What are you doing?”

Spike smiled as he realized that she was awake. “Watching you.”

“Oh.” She was silent for a moment, then pouted a little. “Why?”

“’Cause you’re adorable,” he stated, running his fingers softly over her face. “Could just watch you for hours.”

She felt her heart melt at his words. “You’re too good to be true, you know that?” He lowered his eyes, clearly embarrassed, and she couldn’t help but smile. “What time is it?” Shrugging, Spike started to sit up, but she put a hand on his arm to stop him. “Don’t move! I don’t really care what time it is.”

He chuckled. Then he suddenly became serious. “Look, I was just wondering...” He hesitated for a moment. “Did you mean what you said before?”

It only took a moment for her to figure out what he was referring to. She had known he would bring it up, sooner or later. Glancing at him, almost shyly, she nodded. “Yeah. But I’m not gonna be pushy about it, or anything. I mean, if it’s too soon...” Her voice trailed off as she saw the look on his face. “You do think it’s too soon. Right. Just forget I said anything, I...”

“Buffy...” Spike interrupted her nervous ramblings. “Just hear me out, yeah?” She nodded, weakly. “Nothing would make me happier than us living together for real. Just not...”

“Just not yet,” Buffy finished with a nod, trying to keep the hurt out of her voice as she forced a brave smile. “Got it. We can just...”

“Just not here.” Spike rolled his eyes, although he looked more amused than annoyed. “Would you stop jumping to conclusions and actually listen to me?”

“I...” Buffy blushed, nodded again and pretended to zip her lips closed.

“Thank you.” Spike was quiet for a moment. “Look, it’s just that too much has happened here. If we’re gonna move in together, I want us to find a place of our own.” Seeing the relieved look on her face, he went on; “And no, I don’t think it’s too soon. How could it be? I mean, just being away from you for a moment makes me feel like a part of myself is missing. Every minute we’re not together, I feel like I’m just wasting my time. Time that I could be spending with you.”

Buffy swallowed hard, tears welling up in her eyes. “I feel the same way.” She gave him a shaky smile. “So, what are you saying? You want us to start looking for apartments?”

“Well, yeah.” It was his turn to look shy. “If that’s okay with you.”

“More than okay. God, I...” She stopped and wiped her cheeks, laughing despite the tears streaming down her face. “Don’t know what’s wrong with me. Seem to be bawling constantly these days. Sorry. “ She sniffled a little, taking his hand as she noticed the concerned look on his face. “Happy tears, though, in case you’re wondering.”

“Good to hear.” Spike let out a snort. “Had me worried for a while. Started to think the whole idea of moving in together was making you miserable.”

“You don’t really believe that!” She slapped him gently on the arm.

“No, I don’t.” He gave her a soft peck on the cheek, reaching out his hand to brush away her tears. For some reason, he felt like a huge weight had lifted from his shoulders. Maybe this was it. Time to start looking forward and create new memories. And maybe someday he would be able to actually make peace with the old ones. Because whether he liked it or not, Giles had been right. They would always be a part of him.


TBC

Taking a deep breath, Spike opened the door and entered the art gallery. Joyce looked up from a pile of boxes, giving him a tentative smile. “Good morning.”

“Morning.” He hesitated for a moment, stopping just inside. “Um, look, Joyce, about the other night...”

Joyce got up, raising a hand to stop him. “Spike, why don’t you come in and have a seat? If we’re gonna have this conversation, we might as well make ourselves a little more comfortable.” She gestured for him to follow her over to a small table at the back of the room.

Spike obeyed with a nod and went to sit down. “So...?” He gave her a questioning look.

“I owe you an apology,” Joyce started, looking him right in the eyes. “It was wrong of me to send you away without even asking for your side of the story. But you have to understand my reaction. I stand by my opinion; violence is not something I’m going to accept in my house. Ever.” Seeing how he opened his mouth, she hurried on; “On the other hand, I think I can understand you a little better after Buffy explained a few things to me.”

Here we go..., Spike thought. He gave her a somewhat wary look. “Right.”

“You don’t have to look so worried.” Seeing his reaction, Joyce obviously decided to back off a little. “Spike, I’m not stupid, nor am I completely insensitive. I’m not going to insult you by demand some kind of explanation for something that is clearly none of my business. Naturally, some things are just too personal to discuss with someone who’s still practically a stranger.” A pause. “Then again, if there’s something you do want to talk about, just remember that my door is always open.”

Unable to keep the relief out of his voice, Spike gave her a grateful look. “Thanks. I’ll remember that.”

“Good.” Joyce smiled a little. “I’m not blind, you know. It is obvious that my daughter is completely smitten by you. You mean a lot to her.”

Although it didn’t come as a total surprise, Spike still felt strangely touched by her words. “Yeah, well, I care a lot about her, too.”

Joyce nodded. “I can see that. I’m glad we sorted this out. It’s such a relief that I wasn’t wrong about you after all. I couldn’t stand the idea of my baby getting her heart broken.”

“Trust me.” Spike got a dead serious look on his face. “I’d never hurt her.”

“No.” Joyce watched him closely for a moment. “I don’t believe you would.”

*~*~*

”Thank you, sir. Welcome back to the Double Meat Palace, and have a nice day!” Buffy let out a sigh of relief as the last customer finally left the fast food restaurant. Her cheeks hurt from smiling so much and she felt like her legs were about to give in any minute. I really need to find another job, she thought, knowing that her hair and clothes would reek of meat and grease. Thankfully, her shift was over for the day so she could go home and take a nice, long shower.

Pulling the ridiculous hat off her head with a grimace, she grabbed a diet coke from the fridge and slumped down on a chair. Then it occurred to her that she could call Spike at the gallery and ask him if he wanted to meet up for lunch, after she had freshened herself up a bit, of course. She perked up at the idea and quickly finished her drink. Suddenly, the little bell on top of the door rang, indicating that someone had just entered.

Buffy looked up, her eyes narrowing as they landed on the dark-haired girl who had stopped just by the door, looking slightly uncomfortable. Fury started welling up inside her as she jumped up from the chair and made her way over to the intruder. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Relax, B, I’m not here to cause any trouble.” Faith raised her hands in defense. “I figured you’d be here. I just wanna talk.”

“Really?” Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. “And why would you think I’d be interested in anything you have to say?”

“I take it you’re still upset.” Faith sighed. “Look...”

“Upset?” Buffy interrupted her with a snort. “Upset doesn’t cover it by a long shot. Try furious. Just who the hell do you think you are, Faith? You got a lot of nerve, showing up here after what you did.” Seeing that her cousin was about to say something, she quickly went on; “And don’t even think about blaming Spike for anything. You totally got what you deserved.”

“You’re probably right.” The brunette looked down at her feet. “I guess I owe you an apology.” Her tone clearly indicated that she wasn’t happy about it.

Buffy stared at her in disbelief. “Okay, even if I did believe you were being sincere, what makes you think I’d accept your lame apology? You crossed the line, Faith. Some things are just inexcusable.”

“Right.” Faith rolled her eyes. “Saint Buffy has spoken. You really think you’re ‘little miss perfect’, don’t you?”

“And what’s that suppose to mean, exactly?” Buffy glared at her. “I don’t stab people in the back, that’s for sure. What did I ever do to you that was so bad that you had to go and try to steal my boyfriend? Please, tell me. I’m dying to know!”

“It’s not about what you’ve done, all right?” Faith was obviously frustrated. “You just don’t get it. You got your perfect boyfriend, your perfect family, your perfect life...”

“Wait, don’t tell me!” Buffy let out a bitter laugh. “Is this where you’ll tell me some pathetic sob story about how difficult it is being you? And then what? You expect me to feel sorry for you? ‘Cause in that case, I can save you the trouble. Not gonna happen.” She could see Faith’s eyes darken. “Thought you said you were gonna apologize.”

“What’s the point?” Faith snorted, clearly annoyed. “You’ve already made it clear that you won’t listen to me.”

“Not if you’re gonna make yourself come out as a victim, I’m not.” Buffy was getting frustrated as well. “What’s your problem, Faith? Really? You already got Angel. According to yourself, he chose you over me. So where do you go off complaining about how my life is so damn perfect?”

“You think I got Angel? Well, think again!” Faith grunted in disgust. “The guy’s completely obsessed with you. You’re all he talks about – Buffy this and Buffy that. Makes me sick.”

“What?!” Buffy stared at her in exasperation. “Oh my God! Are you jealous of me and Angel, is that what this is about? Look, Faith, I’ll try to make myself as clear as possible: I. Can’t. Stand. The. Guy.” Faith opened her mouth to object, but Buffy wasn’t finished. “I already told you what he did to me. What part of ‘he tried to rape me’ didn’t you get?!”

Faith was quiet for a moment. “You’re really serious,” she then mumbled.

“I told you!” Buffy was fuming. “You actually think I’d make something like that up?!”

“I... I don’t know, all right?” Faith suddenly looked uncertain. “Angel said...” Her voice trailed off.

“Oh, and I suppose that makes it true, then. ‘Cause Angel said...” Buffy lashed out, sarcastically. “Look, Faith, I know you don’t wanna believe me, but Angel’s not a good guy and I don’t know what you see in him. Trust me. Stay with him, and you’ll just end up getting hurt. I mean it. It has nothing to do with jealousy.”

“All right, I hear you.” Faith hesitated a little. “Look, maybe you just misunderstood his intentions. Maybe he...”

“No, Faith.” Buffy suddenly felt beyond tired. “I didn’t. Believe me.”

For a moment, Faith just looked at her. Then she lowered her eyes. “I do.”

“Huh?” Buffy frowned, wondering if she had heard correctly. “But you...”

“Don’t get me wrong.” The dark-haired girl raised her head again, stubbornly meeting Buffy’s eyes. “He hasn’t hurt me or anything. Honestly, I don’t think he would. But...” She hesitated for a moment. “Let’s just say I’ve never given him a reason, if you know what I mean.”

Buffy didn’t say anything. She understood. Faith would never turn Angel down. A part of her couldn’t help but feel a little sad. Surely a relationship shouldn’t be like that. She really hoped Faith knew what she was doing. Then again, she supposed her cousin was fully capable of taking care of herself.

“By the way, I was just wondering...” Faith eyed her a little carefully. “The other night, at your party? You mentioned something about Spike, and...”

“Don’t!” Buffy interrupted her, giving her a warning look. “That’s not a discussion we’ll be having, ever. It’s none of your business. I mean it.”

“Okay, okay!” Faith raised her hands, apologetically. “Sorry. Forget I said anything.” She paused. “So, are we okay?”

Buffy stared at her, incredulously. “I wouldn’t go that far. Look, Faith, what you did was wrong. If you ever try anything like that again...” Faith opened her mouth but Buffy went on; “Let’s just say that Spike’s not the one you’ll have to worry about the next time. ‘Cause I’ll be the one to kick your ass. Believe me; that’s a promise. You don’t wanna mess with any of us again.” She could see that Faith was about to come with some sarcastic remark, but was luckily wise enough to decide against it.

Instead she nodded. “Fair enough.”

“If you’re really sorry, you’re gonna have to prove it,” Buffy went on. “Forgiveness is something you have to earn before it’s given to you.”

“Yeah, I get it.” Faith sighed. “Tell blondie I’m sorry, all right? I never meant to hurt anyone. I just...” She shrugged. “Guess I just didn’t think.”

“No big surprise there,” Buffy muttered. Then she let out a sigh. “Was that all? I really gotta go.”

Faith looked disappointed for a moment, but quickly covered up. “Yeah, sure. I’ll see you around?” She sounded a little uncertain.

“I guess.” Buffy grabbed her jacket and headed for the door, leaving her cousin to look after her.



TBC

The last two days had gone by almost too quickly, with her and Spike spending practically every moment together, and before Buffy knew it, it was Wednesday. She gave Giles an uncertain look, still not sure what to expect from this little therapy session. Spike had offered to come with her and wait for her outside, like she had done for him, but she had told him that it wasn’t necessary.

Giles watched her in silence for a moment before he spoke. “How are you, Buffy?”

“I’m fine.” Buffy smiled a little. “Things are going really well. Great, actually.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” The therapist returned her smile. “Mind telling me what you’ve been up to for the last couple of days?”

“Well...” Buffy thought about it for a moment. “There was the birthday party from hell...” She grimaced as she explained; “My mom threw me a birthday party. It turned out to be a disaster.” A pause. “But aside from that, everything’s been peachy.”

“I see.” Giles nodded in understanding. “What went wrong?”

“Oh, I’d say about everything.” She forced a laugh. “My dad showed up with his secretary – who I’m pretty sure he’s having an affair with. My friend Xander got drunk and apparently threw up on the back porch. Then my cousin Faith tried to make a move on Spike and he ended up punching her in the face, but I’m sure you already know about that. Oh, and my mom told me she and my dad are getting a divorce. You know, that kind of thing.” She shrugged in an attempt of acting casual, knowing that she was failing miserably.

“Oh.” Giles was quiet for a moment, looking slightly taken aback. Then he cleared his throat. “And how do you feel about all of this?”

A strained giggle escaped her. “Well, I feel kinda grateful that I wasn’t the one who had to clean up on the back porch.” Her plastered smile faded when she saw the serious look on Giles’ face. “I take it that’s not what you meant.”

“Let me rephrase my question...” Giles leaned back in his chair. “Of all the things that went wrong, what would you say affected you the most?”

“That’s easy. Faith, of course.” Buffy’s eyes narrowed as she recalled her cousin’s thoughtless actions in the kitchen. “Spike was doing so well, and then that heartless bitch had to come and put him in a position where he felt like he had no choice but to defend himself. And now she expects me to forgive her. Me! I could just kill her!”

Giles gave her a questioning look. “Are you saying Faith was aware of Spike’s situation?”

Buffy’s eyes widened. “No. Of course not. But that’s not the point.”

“I agree.” Giles nodded, patiently. “However, I get the feeling that what upsets you the most is the fact that Faith’s actions – whether or not it was intentional – affected Spike in a negative way. Am I correct?”

She gave it a moment’s thought. “I guess so. Yeah.”

“In that case,” Giles continued, “let us put Spike’s feelings aside for a moment and focus on the fact that someone you know tried to – as you put it – make a move on your boyfriend. How does that make you feel?”

“Well, it makes me furious, of course!” Buffy gave him a sharp look. “She must have noticed that she was making him uncomfortable. He told her to stop; she had no right...” Her voice trailed off as Giles raised a hand to stop her. “What?”

“Buffy, are you aware of that you’re still speaking of Spike’s feelings like they are the only relevant matter here?” She opened her mouth, but Giles wasn’t finished: “What about your feelings?”

“I...” Buffy stopped, suddenly confused. “I don’t understand.”

Giles gave her a sad smile. “I once said that you and Spike seemed to be rather close. It’s a good thing, don’t get me wrong. The way I see it, you’re both lucky to have each other. But it worries me a little, how you always seem to put yourself and your feelings at second place. Don’t misunderstand me. I realize that you love Spike, and you being there for him as much as you have is probably the main reason why he’s been making so much progress over the last couple of weeks.”

Buffy smiled a little at his words. “You really think so?”

“Absolutely.” Giles nodded, firmly. “But right now, it’s just the two of us here. You can be completely open with me; tell me exactly what’s on your mind without having to be strong for anyone else. And still, you are not able to focus on yourself.” Seeing how Buffy’s face fell, he went on, softly; “Tell me something, Buffy. How did Spike react when you told him about your parents getting a divorce?”

“Um...” Buffy swallowed. “We haven’t really talked about it. I mean, so much has happened lately; there hasn’t really been a good time...” She hesitated, lowering her eyes. “Honestly, I don’t wanna bother him with my petty problems.”

“I see.” Giles removed his glasses and started polishing them on his shirt. “And you feel like Spike is such a selfish and egoistic person that he is bound to agree?”

“What? No!” Buffy glared at him. “It’s not like that at all. Spike’s one of the most caring people I’ve ever met.”

“My apologies.” He put the glasses back on. “I just assumed that’s how you felt, since you don’t seem to think Spike would be interested in hearing about your – to use your own words – ‘petty problems’.”

“Stop turning my words against me!” Buffy was starting to get frustrated. “It’s not that I don’t think he’d care. I know he would. It’s just that he’s had enough to deal with on his own.”

“Is that why you decided not to fill him in on how you felt about your birthday?” Seeing the surprised look on her face, Giles nodded. “Yes, Spike told me about that. He also said that he didn’t mind me bringing it up with you. May I give you my opinion?” She just nodded, looking at him with big eyes, so he went on; “Buffy, we have already established that you are a kind, loving and caring young woman. But I believe you need to remind yourself that the ability of receiving love and strength is just as important as giving it away.”

“Oh.” Buffy frowned. “Sure, I agree. But I don’t think I...” She hesitated for a moment. “Are you saying...?”

“I believe you mean well.” Giles gave her an assuring smile. “Just remember that trust goes both ways in a relationship. Don’t forget about yourself and your needs. Maybe you need to allow Spike to be the strong one every once in a while. Give him a chance to be there for you, like you have been there for him.”

Her eyes went wide as his words started to sink in. “I’ve never thought of it that way. I just...” She swallowed, her bottom lip trembling. “Please tell me I’m not doing exactly the same thing I’ve accused Spike of for so long. Pushing him away. ‘Cause I never meant to. I was just trying to...”

“You were trying to spare him from having to add your concern when he obviously has a lot on his mind as it is,” Giles finished for her. “Your heart is in the right place, Buffy. But maybe you need to learn to give Spike a little more credit. You can’t keep protecting him from the world. It’s not fair to either of you.”

Buffy nodded, slowly. “I see your point. So, what do you think I should do?”


*~*~*

“Hey. Is Buffy around?” Xander looked a little nervous, glancing over Spike’s shoulder into the apartment.

He shook his head. “Sorry.”

“That’s all right.” Xander cleared his throat. “So, everything’s okay? Thought of giving you a call, but...” He shrugged. “What happened the other night? Faith didn’t give you too much trouble, did she?”

Spike wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Although he definitely felt more comfortable around Xander these days, he wasn’t about to get into any details about what really happened the night of Buffy’s birthday party. “Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

“Good.” Xander let out a nervous laugh. “Felt kinda bad about just leaving you with her like that.” A pause. “Look, about that night... I may have been drunk at the time, but I do remember some of the things I said.” Spike just looked at him so he went on; “Personal things. Just wanted to make sure...”

“Already forgotten.” Seeing the somewhat uncertain look on the other man’s face, Spike added; “Don’t worry ‘bout it.”

“Right.” Xander nodded in understanding, the relief evident on his face. “Appreciate you didn’t tell Buffy.” He hesitated. “Not that I’m ashamed or anything. It’s just something I wanna tell her myself, you know?”

“Yeah, I understand.” Spike tilted his head to the side, unable to keep from asking the next question; ”So, planning on filling her in any time soon?”

“Actually...” Xander gave him a sheepish grin. “You guys doing anything tonight? I was thinking maybe we could all meet up at The Bronze. Willow’s already agreed to come. That way I could tell both of them at the same time. Jesse will be there as well.”

Thinking about it for a moment, Spike then nodded. “I’ll check with Buffy, but I’m sure she’ll be up to it.” To tell the truth, he had hoped for a quiet night in, just him and Buffy, but he could tell that this was important to Xander. And he realized that Buffy would also want to spend some time with her friends every once in a while. Not to mention how the fact that they could all finally get along would mean a lot to her.

He supposed it was time for him to get used to the idea of hanging out with other people as well. Unlike him, Buffy came with family and friends – for her sake, he needed to learn to become a little more sociable. And in all honesty, the idea wasn’t completely unpleasant. If anything, it made him feel almost like a normal person. Maybe there was still hope for him after all.


TBC

”I still can’t believe it!” Buffy shook her head, as if trying to clear it. “Xander’s gay? When did that happen?” She closed the door behind her.

Spike shrugged, trying to hide his amusement. She obviously found it a lot harder to take in the news about her friend than he did, possibly because she had known Xander for so long and considered him one of her closest friends. Or maybe it was just because the news weren’t really news to him, since Xander had already let his secret slip out at Buffy’s birthday. However, Spike had made a good show of acting just as surprised as Buffy and Willow.

“It’s not that I’m not happy for him, or anything,” Buffy quickly went on as she dropped her jacket on a chair. “No, I think it’s great. Really. Jesse seems to be a really great guy. And Xander looked happy, right? So, it’s great.” She frowned. “I said that already, didn’t I?”

Spike couldn’t help but chuckle. “Think you did, yeah.” Then he became serious. “Look, can we just forget about Xander for a moment, pet? You said there was something you wanted to talk about.” Moving to sit down on the couch, he hoped he didn’t look as nervous as he felt. When Buffy had returned from her session with Giles earlier that day, she had told him they needed to talk, and naturally, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

Buffy tensed up for a moment, then her shoulders slumped and she nodded. “Yeah. Might as well get it over with.” Seeing the worried look on his face, she made her way over to the couch and sat down next to him. “It’s nothing bad, really. It’s just...” She bit her lip. “Giles made me realize some things.”

“What’s that?” He gave her a questioning look, reaching out to take her hand after a brief moment’s hesitation.

“Well...” Buffy kept her eyes on their hands. “All right, look, it was never my intention, but he made me see I’ve been keeping some things from you. Things about me. Like, for instance, the way I feel about my birthday.” She glanced at him.

“Oh.” Spike was quiet for a moment. “Knew that already, luv. Your mum told me, remember?”

She looked up and their eyes met. “Yeah, but that’s the thing. You shouldn’t have to hear stuff like that from someone else. Here I’ve been going on and on about how you need to be open with me, and then I go and do the exact opposite myself. God, I’m such a hypocrite!” She rolled her eyes.

“No, s’okay. Really.” Spike squeezed her hand, softly. “Not that I blame you or anything. I mean, I want you to be able to talk to me, but I can understand if you...”

“It’s not that.” Buffy interrupted him. “I do feel like I can talk to you. It’s just...” She dropped her eyes again. “The truth is, I didn’t say anything because my problems seemed so... stupid, and trivial. I mean, who am I to complain about my life, when...”

“Oh, for the love of...!” It was his turn to interrupt her, an annoyed expression on his face as he let go of her hand. “Have I ever given you a reason to believe that your feelings would be less important than mine?” She opened her mouth, but he went on; “Seriously, Buffy, is this how it’s gonna be between us? You being afraid of sharing your inner thoughts and fears with me, because you feel guilty about your problems not being bad enough compared to mine? What, think I can’t handle the competition?” He let out a snort.

Buffy glared at him. “Hey, I’m trying to tell you I was wrong. Giles told me I can’t keep trying to protect you from the world, and he’s right. I realize that. But...” She swallowed. “But I want to. I love you so much, and I just want you to be happy.”

Spike’s face softened, and he sighed. “I love you, too, pet. You know that. But you can’t keep doing this. If something’s bothering you, I wanna know ‘bout it. Can’t stand the thought of you feeling like you have to hide things from me.”

Closing her eyes in shame, Buffy nodded. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

He reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, then put his hand on her cheek. “You’ve taught me that I need to trust you. That you’ll be there for me no matter what. That goes for you, too, luv. You need to remember that.”

Giving him a shaky smile, Buffy covered his hand with her own. “I’ll try. Be patient with me?”

“Always.” He leaned in to give her a soft kiss, and she immediately curled up in his arms. They sat like that for a couple of minutes, neither of them speaking.

Suddenly Buffy remembered something. “Hey, I got you something!” She jumped up from the couch and ran over to the chair where she had left her jacket. Pulling out a small, brown paper bag from her pocket, she returned to the couch and held it out to him. “Here.”

Spike took the bag from her, a curious look on his face. “What’s this?”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Just look inside, will you?” He did as she said and pulled out a small, black book. Frowning, he opened it and noticed that it was full of white, blank pages. He gave her a questioning look. Suddenly feeling uncertain, Buffy explained; “I saw it today and thought of you. You can do whatever you want with it. Scribble down grocery lists, or use it as a phone book. Or, you know, write stuff?” She held her breath, hoping she hadn’t gone too far with her suggestion.

Immediately realizing where she was getting at, Spike tensed up a little. He remained silent for a moment, then nodded. “Right. Thanks.”

Watching him closely, Buffy then slumped back down on the couch. “You don’t like it. Want me to take it back?”

“No, don’t be ridiculous.” Spike gave her a smile he hoped would be assuring. “I like it. I do. Realize what you’re trying to do, and I appreciate it. It’s just...” He hesitated, not sure how to explain. “It’s just the whole idea about writing, you know? Giles seems to think it would be good for me, and maybe he’s right. But I don’t know if I can do it. It would just feel...”

“Scary?” She put her head down on his shoulder.

“Weird.” He slipped his arm around her back, pulling her close. “And scary. Because if I write about what happened to me, what he did to me, then I’d have to read it. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

“I can understand that.” She ran her fingers down his arm. “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. Just think about it.”

He nodded. “I will.”


*~*~*

”We seem to be having a problem, here.” Ethan was towering above him, the man’s eerily calm voice scaring him a lot more than if he had been shouting. “The question is, what are we going to do about it?”

“Please...” He ducked his head, his heart beating painfully hard in his chest. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. Just don’t…” Ethan’s fist hit him right in the face and he immediately became silent, biting his tongue to keep from crying out in pain.

“You just never learn, do you, boy?” The tall man shook his head in mock sympathy. “How many times have I told you? You only get to speak when I say so. But you keep disobeying me. Forcing me to punish you, again and again, and yet, you just can’t seem to learn to behave.” Ethan let out an exaggerated sigh. “On your feet and turn against the wall.”

Wrapping his arms protectively around himself, he stubbornly shook his head, his back pressed against the wall. He knew he shouldn’t object; there was no point. It would only make things worse for him. But he couldn’t help himself. He knew what was coming, and he was terrified. Squeezing his eyes shut, he could do little more than just pray it would be over soon. And when Ethan grabbed him by the arm and yanked him to his feet, he mentally prepared himself for the inevitable.


Spike sat up in bed with a silent gasp, his eyes darting around the room in panic before he realized that it had only been a nightmare. He jumped when he felt a small hand on his arm, then relaxed a little when he noticed Buffy sitting up next to him, a look of concern on her face. Taking a deep breath, he looked down at his hands, almost laughing when he saw how hard they were shaking. “M’fine,” he mumbled. “Just a dream.”

“No kidding...” Buffy was quiet for a moment, obviously not sure of what to do. “Wanna tell me about it? Or...” She was cut off as he pulled her into his arms, clinging to her almost desperately, and she immediately wrapped her own arms around him, hugging him carefully. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “I’m right here.”

“Yeah.” He could feel his heartbeats slowly getting back to normal, and he was starting to feel stupid. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Don’t you start with me.” She rolled her eyes, although she knew he wouldn’t see it. “Seriously, don’t you dare apologize. We’re way passed that.”

“Right.” Spike nodded in agreement, letting out a shaky breath. “Just give me a moment, luv.” Her only response was to hug him closer, and he buried his face in the crook of her neck, forcing himself to calm down.

Buffy waited patiently for a couple of minutes, just holding him close, one hand running gently up and down his back. Finally, she pulled back a little. “Sweetie? You okay?”

Their eyes met and he nodded. “Yeah, sure.” A pause. “Fuck! Thought I’d moved passed all of this.” Spike grimaced. “Haven’t had a bloody nightmare for more than a week. Thought that was it, you know?” He swallowed. “But that’s just wishful thinking, right? It’ll never really be over.” Furiously blinking away the tears, he tried to pull away from her, but she didn’t let him. He gave up and allowed her to pull his head down to rest on her shoulder.

“I don’t know.” Buffy hesitated, clearly choosing her next words carefully. “Maybe you just need more time. I mean, look how far you’ve come since we first met. But after everything you’ve been through, you can’t expect it to just go away over a night. Healing takes time.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Spike let out a sigh, tightening his grip around her. “I’m just sick of it. Why does it have to be so bloody hard?”

Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again, knowing he didn’t really expect her to answer. Although her heart was breaking for him, she wasn’t overly surprised. Things had been going almost too well lately. “I love you,” she mumbled, at a loss for what else to say.

He managed a small smile. “Love you, too.” Brushing his lips gently against hers, he then pulled back, his eyes landing on the black notebook on the bedside table.

Her eyes following his, Buffy quickly made a decision. “Hey, I’m starving. How about I’ll run to the grocery store and get us something to eat?”

Spike raised a brow. “Let me guess? Craving for donuts again?” She pouted a little and he hurried to give her a peck on the cheek. “Get me one with chocolate?”

“Sure.” She gave him a sweet smile and got up. “Be back in twenty.”

When Buffy had left the room, Spike found himself once again glancing at the book she had given him last night. For a couple of minutes, he just sat there, unsure of what to do next. Then he slowly pulled out the drawer and reached for a pen. Leaning back against the wall, he then opened the book. After a brief moment’s hesitation, he started writing.


TBC

~epilogue~


Eight weeks later…



‘People talk about happy endings. Fat load of crap, if you ask me. Never believed in that rot. When people are alone and miserable, they need hope. Need to believe that some day, they’ll get their happily ever after. But what they don’t seem to realize is that when you’re truly happy, you don’t want things to end. You want the moment to last forever.

But the truth is, sooner or later, all things will come to an end. It’s the simple fact of life. Life’s not fair. No point in denying that. Some people just don’t realize how lucky they are. Sometimes I wonder what my life would’ve been like today if things had been different. Would I still be the same person? Probably not. Like to think I turned out okay after all. At least Buffy seems to think so.

Thing is, if it hadn’t been for Buffy, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be here today. Haven’t told her, but I get the feeling she already knows. She just doesn’t like to think about it. Can’t say i blame her. Anyway, with the risk of sounding like a ponce, Buffy’s my salvation. I met her when I had hit rock bottom, and she believed in me when I didn’t even believe in myself. Don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay her for it. But I’ll gladly spend the rest of my life trying.‘



“Hey.” Buffy smiled softly as she entered the room. “Don’t mind me, just passing by.”

“S’okay, m’almost done.” Spike put the pen down, wiggling his fingers with a grimace. “Bloody hell, feels like I’ve been doing this for hours. What time is it?”

She glanced at her watch. “Almost midnight. I was just getting ready for bed. Big day tomorrow.”

“Oh, right.” His face lit up. “Ten-fifteen, yeah?” She nodded. “Told your mum I won’t be at the gallery until after lunch. I’ll drop you off on the way.”

“All right.” Buffy hesitated for a moment. “I’m kinda nervous.”

“Makes two of us, then.” He got up, and she happily walked right into his waiting arms. Resting his cheek against the top of her head, Spike was quiet for a moment before he spoke up again; “Part of me still can’t believe this is really happening.”

“I know.” She wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him hard.



’Had another nightmare last night. First one in almost two weeks. Didn’t make it any easier, though. Was just so bloody real. The feeling of his hands on me, the sound of his voice. The taste of... Fuck! Just thinking about it makes me wanna heave. I know he’s gone, but in a way, he’s not. As long as I’ll be able to remember what happened, a part of him will always be here. Haunting me.

I get by, though. One day at the time. Guess I can live with the bloody nightmares, even if it means going back to the hell I so desperately wish to be able to leave behind. As long as she’ll be there when I wake up. And I believe she will. In that case, anything’s bearable. Cause when I’m in her arms, I’m in heaven.’



“You coming to bed?”

Spike nodded. “In a minute.” He paused. “Sure it’s safe to...?”

“Oh, yeah. Definitely.” A smile spread on Buffy’s face. “How about you’ll finish up here, and I’ll...?” She raised a brow, suggestively, before nodding towards the bedroom.

“Better hurry, then.” His eyes ran over her body, and he could feel himself already getting hard. He had been raised to think of sex as nothing but a punishment. But with the right person, it could be something wonderful. And sometimes, it could even lead to a miracle.



’Buffy and I moved into the new apartment about a month ago. It may not be much, but it’s ours. She’s been doing most of the decorating, says she wants our new place to be comfy. I suggested painting the bedroom black, and she had a fit. Let her do pretty much what she wanted after that, decided it would probably be safer. Good thing she doesn’t like pink, or we’d be in trouble.’



“Hey, guess what?” Buffy suddenly remembered something. “Willow called earlier, practically screaming my ear off. Apparently, Oz finally asked her out.”

“That right?” Spike raised a brow. “Good for her.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “She made me promise we’d go on a double date with them some time. You don’t mind, do you?”

“’Course not.” He gave her an assuring smile. Over the last couple of weeks, he had gotten to know Buffy’s friends quite well. At first, it had mostly been about him making an effort for her sake, but he had soon come to realize that he actually enjoyed their company as well. It was another whole new experience for him.

“You think we should tell them?” She bit her lip, thoughtfully. “Don’t know if I can keep it a secret much longer. I’m just too happy.”



’What can I say? The first time Buffy and I made love, she told me I was amazing. I, on the other hand, practically told her she was off her rocker. Turns out I did something right after all. Because there’s a living proof of that inside her. How ‘bout that? She’s got her first doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I’ll be there too, of course. Wouldn’t miss it for anything.

Think I took the news pretty well. After a while, that is. My first reaction when Buffy told me she was pregnant... Well, I thought she was joking, so naturally, I started laughing. She wasn’t as amused, though. When I realized she was serious, I started bawling like a sodding nancy-boy. Which, of course, set her off as well. Think it took a whole day for it all to sink in. Then I felt like the luckiest man alive.

Still have my doubts, though. There are days when I’m convinced that I’m gonna be a horrible father. I mean, my experiences of parental love and guidance are about as non-existing as they can get. What the bleeding hell could I possibly give this kid? But then there are times when I think I might not do so bad after all.’



“Maybe we should tell Giles the next time we see him.” Buffy giggled. “Bet he’ll start cleaning his glasses. Have you noticed how he always does that when he doesn’t know what to say?”

Spike snorted. “Surprised he hasn’t broken ‘em by now.”

Buffy shook her head in amusement. “Well, maybe he has. He probably has a whole bunch of them in his desk drawer. Next to the Jaffa Cakes.” She paused. “I think he’ll be happy for us, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” He took her hand and pressed a soft kiss to her palm.



’Joyce is the only one who knows so far. She’s thrilled, although she claims she’s way too young to become a grandmum. Sometimes I think of my mum, wondering what her reaction would’ve been. Honestly, I doubt she’d even care. If I sound bitter, it’s probably because I am. Went to her grave the other day. Would like to say it was my idea, but then I’d be giving myself too much credit.

It was Giles who insisted I’d go. Said it would be an important step towards making peace with my past. He says that a lot. Most of the times, he’s right. Anyway, I went there. Think I stood in front of the sodding grave for almost half an hour, waiting to feel something. Anything. Read the name on the stone over and over again, picturing her face in my head. Giles says grief can’t be forced, and I’m starting to believe him.’



“Mm.” Buffy closed her eyes as their lips met, melting into his embrace. Then she reluctantly pulled back. “Not now. Finish what you’re doing. Smoochies later.”

“Right.” He leaned in to give her one last kiss. “Wait for me in bed? Be right there.”

She nodded, giving him a teasing smile. “Just don’t make me wait too long. Starting to get very tired. I might fall asleep before you’ll get there.”

“That so?” Spike smirked. “Think I have an idea or two how to make you wanna stay awake...” Seeing how her eyes widened, he had to grin as she turned around and headed towards the bedroom.



’Some days are better than others. There are days when I don’t think about my past at all. Happens more and more often these days. It’s a relief, but also exhausting. Because I know that sooner or later, the world will come crashing down again. Giles told me once that my past will always be a part of me, that I will learn to live with it, but I’ll never really get over it. Don’t like the thought of that, but I suppose it’s true.

It’s my life, though, and I have no choice but to accept it. Ethan Rayne. Still have a hard time saying that name out loud, and it’s not any easier to write it. The bastard was married to my mum. Together, they ruined my life. Him by constantly beating me up, raping me and abusing me in any ways possible. Her by allowing it to happen. Now they’re both buried six feet under ground, and I’m left trying to pick up the pieces.’



“Sweetie?”

Spike jumped when he felt her hand on his shoulder. Quickly wiping his eyes, he tried to smile, although it came out more like a grimace. “I just...” He stopped, at a loss for how to explain. Instead he just reached out for her, and she immediately slid down on his lap, wrapping her arms around him.

“I know.” She didn’t say anything more, just pressing her cheek gently against his. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes. Finally he pulled back a little, and she softly brushed away his tears with her thumb. “You okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah, m’fine, luv. Now.”



’Think I get it now. The thing about healing. It’s a process. Doesn’t happen over a night, or even a year. Might take a lifetime. Maybe I’ll never get to feel like a whole person after what I’ve been through. But I realize now that as long as I have Buffy, I’m not really broken anymore, either. Don't know if that makes much sense. Still, know in my heart that it’s true. For the first time in my life, I’m not alone. I’m actually a part of a family.’



“Wanna read it?” He nodded towards the book.

Buffy bit her lip before nodding. “Yeah, sure. If you want me to.”

Instead of answering, Spike just took the book and gave it to her. “Long as you do me a favor.”

Taking the black notebook from him, somewhat hesitantly, Buffy gave him a questioning look. “Anything. What is it?”

“Wait until tomorrow?” He looked down at his hands, suddenly a little embarrassed. “Rather be somewhere else when you read it, if you don’t mind. And I...” Spike looked up and their eyes met. He swallowed. “...kinda need you right now.”

Putting the book down on the table, Buffy slowly got up and reached out her hand towards him. Eyes locked on hers, he took her hand and stood up as well. For a moment, they just looked at each other. Then he slipped his arms around her, resting his forehead against hers. “God, I love you,” he whispered.

She nodded, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Love you, too. Always will.” He gave her a soft smile, letting his fingers run tenderly down her cheek. Then they walked hand in hand towards the bedroom.



THE END