Chapter 1- We've Only Just Begun and We're Already Screwed


“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
-16th century proverb

I guess I’m headed that-a-way
Just as long as its paved
I guess you’d say
I’m on my way to
Burma-Shave
-Tom Waits
-Foreign Affairs

Late evening
somewhere in east Texas

“Alright, there’s Florida!” Dawn wiggled in her seat and let out an ear piercing squeal that deafened Spike and caused everyone else still awake to wince and clamp their hands over their ears.

“That makes seventeen! I’m ahead again!” She pumped her fist.

“Bloody hell. Uh, sorry Bit, but that’s just another plate for South Carolina and you’ve already got that state.” Spike remembered the South Carolina squeal vividly; it was just after the Texas squeal, which had proven that old adage that everything really was bigger in Texas.

He loved the girl but she was starting to drive him insane. Only the Slayer’s rotten luck would have Sunnydale High School spring break concurrent with a once-every-four-hundred year portal key manifestation.

“But it’s got a palm tree on it.” Dawn’s lip stuck out, a carbon copy of Big Sis. “It just has to be Florida. Why would South Carolina have a palm tree?” She leaned forward trying to peer through the darkness and asked suspiciously. “Are you sure?”

“Vamp vision, Nibblet.”

“Okay, then maybe it’s Hawaii.” Stubborn like Big Sis, too.

Spike snorted. “Hawaii is a group of islands. What did they do, float that Corolla across the Pacific and down the Rio Grande?”

Tara interrupted the argument. “Sorry Dawnie, but Spike’s right. Even though he was moving so much faster than us, I saw the plate when the car passed.”

“It’s not my fault this bloody van has all the horsepower of a roller skate.” Spike grumbled. He slid a glance at the passenger seat. The Slayer hadn’t awakened during the squeal-why should she, they’ve become so bloody commonplace-her head slumped against the passenger window. If he peeked closely Spike could see a thin strand of drool sliding down her chin. Definitely not her best look.

He sighed. Maybe she’ll come around on this trip and notice me. It’s the only reason I agreed to drive her four thousand miles. Well, that and the Council’s dosh. That’s makin’ it a whole lot easier to put up with the rest. Otherwise, I’d just leave ‘em all at the nearest rest stop. Without a phone.

In the rearview mirror Spike noticed Red was asleep, too, leaning against Glinda’s shoulder. No drool, but her cloth hat had slid down until only one eye remained visible, making her into a slumbering Mad Eye Moody from that Harry Potter book Dawn was always reading out loud.

Tara didn’t seem to mind that her girlfriend had her effectively pinned to the middle seat; she continued staring out the window. Spike thanked the Powers that Tara was such a good sport and had agreed to play license plate bingo. He certainly didn’t want another round of bored teen.

Although the whinging had been an octave lower than the squealing.

Xander and his demon bird leaned against each other in the rear seats whispering. Spike’s enhanced hearing detected the sound of a plastic wrapper and smirked. Harris is eating again. He inhaled. Another Twinkie. Spike figured by the end of the trip the Whelp would require a seat belt extender and his own seat. The vampire spent a happy few moments envisioning a Xander Harris too fat to fit in an airplane seat for the return trip, left to wander for eternity in an airport terminal.

Buffy stirred, opened her eyes and stretched. She looked over at Spike. “Hi.” She rubbed her hand across her face and discovered the drool. Pretending that something was very interesting out the side window, Buffy surreptitiously wiped her face. Oh God, Spike didn’t see that, did he?

Spike continued to drive while the Slayer righted herself and looked around brightly. “So, where are we?”

“Somewhere in the middle of east Texas, pet.”

“Still in Texas, huh?”

“It’s a bloody huge state.”

“I remember, it’s the biggest one along the bottom.”

“Stopping to let you birds use the facilities constantly is making it a whole lot bigger.”

“Hey, you wanted to stop once, too.”

“That was only so Harris could move to the backseat. Figured that was a fair trade off for the wasted minutes.”

“It’s not my fault you never have to use the restroom, while the rest of us do.”

“Stop drinkin’ so many bleedin’ big gulps and you’ll be fine.”

“It was only the one drink.”

“I’ve seen hot tubs smaller than that cup.”

“You’re just mad ‘cause they don’t have a tap marked ‘O-Positive’ between the Pepsi and the Sprite,” Buffy retorted, stretching her back muscles as much as possible within the confines of the tight seatbelt.

Spike watched the front seat acrobatics in mute admiration. He almost suggested pulling over so she could stretch in earnest. Now, that would be worth chucking the entire schedule. Who gives a damn about portal keys anyway, except for the bloody Council. They only want ‘em because all the demon clans are rushing to grab them first.

Buffy straightened her arms and twisted them over her head, regretting her lack of neck pillow usage. My back hurts. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep. If the Council wasn’t afraid of a clan war, I wouldn’t be sitting here falling asleep. Who cares if the demons kill each other anyway? She thrust her chest forward to alleviate the pain in her lower back.

The van suddenly swerved and bumped across several road reflectors.

Xander leaned forward and called. “What are you doing up there? Driving by Braille?”

“Had to avoid something in the road.” Spike regained control of the van and pulled into the slow lane. Bloody hell.

Buffy straightened up and turned to the vamp. “We’ve still got awhile longer until the first manifestation; I’d like to stop for some coffee and a snack.”

“I’ll watch for a diner. It’s early; there should be something still open along the interstate.”

The Slayer leaned over the seat and smiled at Tara and Dawn. “So, who’s winning?”

“We’re tied right now.” Admiring Spike’s casual one handed driving, Dawn tapped him lightly on the shoulder. “Spike, would you watch for a diner with a gift shop? I want to buy a souvenir.”

“Sure Bit.” A gaily printed state of Texas gag crossed his mind.

“I’ll be watching what you buy. The Council entrusted me with their finances and I plan to be extremely frugal. I take my responsibility seriously.”

“Anya, I have my own babysitting money to spend.”

Spike snickered when Buffy added, “Actually, that would be Giles’ credit card and he said since this was important Council business, there was very little limit, we just need to not go crazy. Food is not going crazy. I plan on coffee, a hamburger and a piece of pie.” .

Spike sighed when the ex demon continued the argument. “As the only one of you with any bookkeeping experience, Giles stressed to me that it’s extremely important to record all expenditures or the Council won’t reimburse him.” Anya lifted her chin. “He said no unnecessary expenses. He’s ‘not made of money,’ those were his exact words.”

“Fine. But food is not an unnecessary expense.”

“Fine.”

Tara shifted closer to the window, ignored the bickering and continued to read car tags. Brought up riding around in an RV during family vacations, she didn’t mind traveling in the van. It was actually nice to get away from Sunnydale for awhile, although she’d quickly realized the others didn’t feel quite the same way.

They’d still been in the Albuquerque airport parking lot, standing next to the Council’s brand new specially equipped van, when the bickering had first started. The very first argument, over seating preference, had barely ended when Spike and Xander had almost come to blows over the driving schedule.

Tara noticed a mini cooper coming alongside. I can’t wait to use the locator pendent the Council gave me and Willow. It’s going to be fun to pinpoint where each of those seven portal keys are located. She shifted and peered closer at the white SUV in the passing lane. “Dawnie? I see Arkansas.”

“Where? Are you sure it’s not South Carolina?”

Spike tuned out the inevitable tag argument and listened to Harris and his bird arguing over whether he should be allowed to purchase a piece of pie since he’d already eaten three Twinkies.

Dawn squealed again. “I see New York!”

Wincing again, Spike threw his cigarette butt out the open window. No wonder the Watcher stayed behind to “monitor the situation” from Sunnyhell. I never realized just how smart Rupert was until now.

Outwardly, the Scooby’s appeared to be a group of young people on a fabulous two week spring break adventure, but Spike knew the real truth. They were actually a dysfunctional family teetering on the brink, one squeal away from utter collapse. And this was only day one.

Ten minutes later he pointed the mini van down an exit ramp toward an exceptionally large red and yellow neon pie ala mode sign. The words “best coffee in Texas” was proclaimed in flashing purple letters horizontally along the pie plate rim. A sedate third sign beneath simply read “gift shop.”

Spike, ready to bet that the huge sign meant the coffee would be stale and the pie inedible, pulled the van into a parking space and killed the engine. He was willing to risk it. If everyone was busy shopping, eating and drinking, no one would be pouting, arguing or squealing. It was a good trade off and he didn’t need to eat anyway.

Chapter 2- Diners- Slayer Style

Proper space to him was bunk
they found him inside
some guy’s trunk
Burma-Shave

The Yellow Rose Truck Stop was filled to capacity with their regular mix of late night customers when the Scooby’s filed in the door, blinking in the bright fluorescent light.

A hat act on the jukebox wailed loudly about losing his girlfriend. Waitresses wearing pink uniforms and white aprons, pencils sticking out of big hair, bustled across the terrazzo floor, arms laden with plates of steak and eggs or meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Aromatic smells wafted through the air.

Long haul truckers sat around scarred Formica tables eating dinner and drinking strongly brewed black coffee. Clear glass domes set atop a long counter offered tantalizing views of homemade pies and cakes.

The group, mouths watering, piled into the big corner booth and eagerly picked up menus.

“Oh man, they’ve got homemade blueberry pie and homemade cherry pie. Those are my two favorites. I can’t decide.”

“Well, Harris, why don’t you get both?” Spike gave an encouraging smile.

“I think two pieces would be construed as an excess expenditure.”

Spike cut his eyes over to Anya. Bloody cheap bint.

“Me oh my, I like pie.” Xander leaned on Anya and sang.

“That’s from the movie Michael.” Anya giggled. “We watched it the other night after copious amounts of sex.”

Willow blanched. “Anya, TMI.”

Tara patted her hand.

“Go ahead and get what you want, Xander. I’ll add the extra cost to the next food bill.” Anya smiled affectionately at her boyfriend.

“Hey Harris. They’ve got lemon pie, too.”

“Buffy, I’m not really hungry. Can I go check out the gift shop?”

“Just don’t go anywhere else.”

“Okay.” The teen vanished before her sister could change her mind.

Buffy looked down at the menu and than at the waitress that had materialized beside the booth. “I’d like a hamburger and a diet coke.”

The waitress nodded. “And what about you, Sugar?” She openly admired the blond hunk in the hot coat.

Spike smirked. “How’s the coffee tonight-he read the name tag prominently displayed on her ample chest- Raylene?”

“It’s always hot and fresh.”

Spike ran his tongue across his teeth. “Hot is good. The hotter, the better.”

She dimpled. “Do you want it?”

“I always want it, luv.”

“Then I’ll be right back.”

Anya leaned across the table. “Spike, when you continue your verbal fornication with the waitress, would you ask for some more napkins?”

Buffy’s Slayer sense tingled. She looked up. “Spike?”

“Yeah, Slayer?”

“Do those men at the bar all have heartbeats?”

Wrinkling his nose in distaste, he answered. “Yeah and they could all use a bath, too. What’s the matter?”

She twisted in her seat and surveyed the room. “Can you hear Dawn in the gift shop?”

He concentrated briefly. “No.”

“Willow, Xander, you guys stay here. I’m going to check on Dawn.”

Spike pushed away from the table. “I’ll go with you.”

The gift shop was empty. The cashier looked up from the full page picture of Jason Doring in her magazine and asked. “Can I help you?”

“I’m looking for my sister. She’s fifteen, brown hair and taller than me.”

An advertisement for complete control hair spray diverted her attention. “Uh, she left through the side door. Said she was going to put her purchases away.”

Spike’s eyes narrowed. “Was anyone with her?”

“Nan, the only other people in here were a couple of old dudes, but they left right after she did.” Flipping the page back to Jason, the cashier looked up and blinked. Where’d they go?

The side parking lot was dark; the lighting reserved for the main entrance and the gas pumps.

Buffy scanned the lot. “Dawnie?”

“Around there, Slayer.”

They hurried around the corner of the building. Dawn was squirming and kicking at a middle aged vampire dressed in dirty western attire. He held her tightly by the arms. A second, in ripped jeans and worn cowboy boots tried to help hold the struggling teen.

Buffy quickly broke a branch from the tree next to the parking lot. She grabbed Western Attire, forced him away and dusted him. Spike jumped in front of Dawn and growled at Boots. “Leave her alone, she’s not your dinner.”

Boots looked disgruntled but unafraid. “Why, you didn’t have to go and dust Chester. There’s enough here for all of us to have a little snack.” He eyed Buffy warily. “Now little lady, you just calm down.”

Buffy lifted her makeshift stake. “You remind me of a couple of vamps I met in high school. You’re not related to anyone named Gorch are you?”

“No, never heard of them.” Boots looked confused.

Driving the stake in, she continued. “They were real jerks. And I’m not your little lady.”

She wheeled back around to Dawn. “I can’t leave you alone for five minutes before you let yourself become vamp bait! I told you not to go anywhere.”

Dawn drew herself up to her full height, looked down and met her sister’s angry eyes. “It wasn’t my fault. They followed me outside. All I wanted to do was put my souvenir in the van.”

“Slayer, calm down. She’s fine and I’m sure she’ll be more careful next time.” Spike tried to placate the furious woman. Turning to the sullen teen, he continued. “Bit? The next time you’ll let either Big Sis or me go with you into the dark parking lots, eh?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Slayer? What say we go back in the diner? You need to eat your meal. No sense in hearin’ Herself spoutin’ off about wasted dosh for the next fifty miles.”

Spike gently propelled Dawn toward the diner’s front entrance. “Come on Bit, I’ll share my onion rings with you.”

Buffy shrugged and fell into step. “I am still hungry.” She offered the olive branch to her little sister. “So what’d you buy?”

Dawn held up her brown paper bag and shook it gently. Buffy could hear a light tinkling sound. “It’s a porcelain bell with the state of Texas painted on the side. I’ve decided to start a collection. I’m going to get one everywhere we stop.”

Buffy started to say something and changed her mind. They’re fragile and Dawn’s going to need to keep them in a safe place, like that cargo area behind the third seat.

“Dawnie, that’s such a great idea. Why don’t I help you look for them? I bet together we can find lots of really cute ones.”

Chapter 3- Outstanding in their Field

He played a sax
had no b.o.
but his whiskers scratched
so she let him go
Burma Shave

Tara read the instructions. “According to the pendant, you’ve got about twenty minutes until the key manifests.”

Spike parked the van on the soft shoulder of the quiet two lane road and killed the headlights.

“The pendant says it should be right over there somewhere.” Willow tried to peer through the darkness.

Spike turned on the parking lights. They cast a faint glow over the surrounding area showing a large empty field. He shrugged. “Can’t do more, we’ll drain the cheap battery.”

“Well, that’s just great. Why aren’t these things ever easy?” Buffy clicked on her flashlight. “Spike?”

“I’m here Slayer.”

“Willow, you guys stay by the van and watch for anyone else. Call out if you see anything suspicious. Xander/”

“Yeah, Buff?”

“You better pull out your baseball bat just in case.”

“No problemo. We’ll keep an eye out for those dangerous creatures of the night.” Xander cupped his mouth and howled.

Anya and Dawn, leaning against the back of the van, giggled at the really bad werewolf imitation. Xander grinned and headed for the cargo area.

Buffy turned back to Spike. “Okay, let’s go.”

The blond couple walked a few feet to the wire fence, lightly jumped over and trudged into a sodden field.

“It must have rained here recently, this ground is soaked. Welcome to the horror that is my life.” Buffy sighed.

“Shit.”

“Exactly. My life is shit.”

“No, Slayer, I mean there’s shit all around us, cow shit to be exact. I can smell it. This must be a cow pasture.”

“What? No!” Buffy frantically ran the flashlight along the ground by her feet. “Ewww. These boots are brand new; I’d never get it off the ridged soles.”

“Then I suggest you watch where you’re steppin’. I don’t fancy smellin’ long horn for the next thousand miles.”

They picked their way carefully across the field looking for the key.

“It can’t be too much longer. Giles said it would be really easy to find. I wonder where the darn thing is anyway?”

A few feet ahead, a bright green light flashed and winked out again.

“You don’t suppose that would work everytime?”

Buffy skirted a large pile of cow dung and gingerly picked up a damp bronze globe. Smaller than a baseball, she rolled the globe around on her palm. “I hope the others are this easy.” She didn’t notice the small drop of green liquid that slipped from the globe and was immediately absorbed into her palm.

“Careful Slayer.” Spike looked suspiciously at the object. “I don’t think you’re supposed to handle it like that.”

“It’s okay. Giles said they’re completely harmless by themselves. He said they were in-something.”

“Inert?”

“Yeah, inert.” She dropped it in her pocket. “All the little balls have to be hooked together to open the portal. Come on, the faster we get back to the van, the quicker we can find a motel. I’m beat.”

“How can you still be tired? You slept most of the way across Texas.”

“I had to do a final patrol last night. God forbid the Slayer get a break before the big trip. I patrolled late because I had to listen to Giles’ entire lecture about these ball thingies and gateway portals and demon clans.” She snorted. “Like I don’t see enough demons without getting a lecture on them, too. Then when I finally got home, I still had to pack.”

“Stop your whinging. I had stuff to do before we left and I still managed to catch some sleep.”

“Not only did I not see you on patrol, but how long can it take to throw one shirt and a pair of jeans into a duffle?”

“Now wait a minute Missy, I brought kit with me.”

“I guess several packs of cigarettes and a cooler full of blood could count as ‘kit’.”

“At least I’m not draggin’ an entire Hello Kitty suitcase full of junk around the country. How many pairs of shoes alone are bouncin’ around in there, ‘ey Slayer?”

“You have no idea what slaying does to a wardrobe. And what about you? What happens if your one shirt gets demon guts all over it? You’ll stink up the van worse than any cow.”

“I’ve got more than one shirt with me, you daft bint.”

Buffy opened her mouth to respond when Xander yelled. They ran the rest of the way across the field and vaulted the fence in tandem.

Xander, back to the van, was swinging his baseball bat in a wide arc, attempting to fend off half a dozen brown four foot tall demons. Displaying full sets of sharp teeth and sharp curved nails, they were trying to breach the van’s doors.

Willow and Tara stood on the van’s hood, chanting an incantation and kicking at the furry demons each time one attempted to gain purchase on the bumper.

Anya and Dawn huddled inside the van.

Xander struck one of the demons in the head. It fell soundlessly to the ground. Spike, now in game face, roared and grabbed one of the demons. He bit down hard. Buffy high kicked another demon reaching for her. She snapped its’ neck and it sunk to the ground next to the tire.

Tara and Willow finally managed their protection spell. The demons, unable to get near the van any longer jabbered something to each other and ran, disappearing into the darkness.

Xander dropped his bat and wiped his face with his tee shirt. “The ewoks showed up a couple minutes ago. Anya was sitting in the van, so she opened the door and Tara pushed Dawn inside.”

Spike’s features changed to his human visage. “Slayer, do you want to hunt them down?”

Buffy shook her head. “No, they left and I think we should too.” Frowning, she added, “It looks like the Council was right about the demon clans.”

Spike grinned. “This trip just got a whole lot more interestin’.”

Chapter 4- Alfred's Place of Rest

Henry the eighth
Sure had trouble
short-term wives
long-term stubble
Burma Shave

“Wow, talk about your Bates Hotel.” Xander, his voice amused, turned around from the front passenger seat and looked at the others.

Spike chuckled. “For once I’ve got to agree with you Harris. It definitely has that feel about it.” He stared through the windshield at the old two story motel quietly decaying alone on the hilltop. “So Slayer, everybody, what are we doin’? This is the only place we’ve found with a vacancy sign for the past ninety minutes. I can keep drivin’ or we stop here.”

“I’m exhausted and I’d really like to stop. This is our only chance, too. The next key thingy appears tomorrow afternoon.”

Willow bobbed her head in agreement. “Tara and I vote to stop.”

“It will be very nice to have a shower, and it won’t impact the budget much since it’s old and worn out.”

Spike pulled into a parking place. “Amazin’. This is the first thing we’ve all agreed on.”

Buffy looked at the leaning building with the peeling paint in front of them and grinned. “Hey, what’s not to like?”

Reaching in to grab her suitcase, Dawn poked Xander. “What did you call this place earlier?”

“Oh, it’s a reference to the movie-.”

“Xander!”

“Oh. It was just a movie reference Dawnie. No big.”

*****
“Here are your keys. It was really cheap so we can spread out this time. Spike, you get your own room. The rest of you are paired up and Dawn’s in with me.” Buffy passed out the old fashioned room keys and picked up her luggage.

“No twenty-first century key cards here. Xander’s right, this is beginning to feel more and more like psy-.”

“Willow!”

“Oops. I mean what a historically rich building. I bet it has lots of stories to tell.”

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“Would it be okay if I came to your room tomorrow before we leave? I think we need to discuss tactics before the next key.”

“Uh, sure, just knock loud. You know early mornin’ isn’t my best time.”

“We won’t have to get up that early.” She looked to Willow for confirmation. “Will we?”

The witches conferred. “Actually, no. We only have to drive about fifty miles and we have until early afternoon to do it.”

“So sleeping in late goodness.” Buffy turned back to Spike. “I’ll be there sometime later in the morning then.”

“Works for me.”

****
Buffy threw her suitcase on the bed, opened it and rummaged for her favorite sushi pajamas. There are only four pairs of shoes in here. Stupid vampire.

“Dawnie, you have the first shower. I’m supposed to call in and report to Giles.”

“Okay.” The teen grabbed her shower stuff and disappeared through the door.

Buffy pulled out the cell phone the Council had provided and punched the speed dial number for her Watcher. While the phone rang, she looked around the room.

The View Top Inn was definitely lacking in the amenities department. Although reasonably clean, the furniture hadn’t been new since the Eisenhower administration and the bed’s mattress had a lumpiness the suspect quilt couldn’t quite hide. Detecting a slight musky scent, Buffy wrinkled her nose.

“Hello?”

“Hi Giles. One Slayer reporting in as requested.”

“Buffy. How’s the trip so far? Did you have any problem with the first key?”

“No, it showed up just like it was supposed to. We had a group of ewoks that showed up, too, but we ran them off pretty easily.”

“Ewoks?”

“That’s what Xander called them. I think it’s from Star Wars. They looked like short, really ugly brown bears with serious teeth and claws. They were isort of in a pack.”

“Ah, that would be the Candlerisse. They’re from Mexico and generally fairly non violent. Unfortunately that confirms some information that I received today from the Council. It seems they’re getting reports from the field of larger than normal groups of demons traveling toward the manifestation sites.”

“Huh. So the candles bears were only the beginning?”

‘Um. Yes. You will need to be very cautious from here on out.”

“No problemo. Spike and I are getting together tomorrow morning to discuss tactics.”

“How is it working out with Spike and the others?”

“Good. We had to dust two vamps tonight that were messing with Dawn, but that was really her fault. Everything else is okay, I guess. Spike is being a big help so far, especially with the driving.”

“Good. He’s being paid enough; he needs to hold up his end. Did you place the portal key in the specially equipped locker?”

“Uh huh. It’s safely locked away in its special box.”

“Just remember that it’s extremely important each time that you procure a key, to place it in its designated location within the locker immediately.”

“Uh huh. Got it the first ten times. The balls go in the box. No playing with them. Giles, I’m really beat; can I call you tomorrow?”

“Of course. I’ll let you know if I hear anything important before then. Take care of yourself, Buffy. I’m being led to believe that some of these demons are rather fierce.”

“I’ll be fine. I’ve got the group to watch my back. Good night Giles.”

“Good night.”

Buffy hung up the phone thoughtfully. Spike was right; it’s starting to get interesting. The vampire’s face suddenly floated across her mind. He loves the action, too. Well it sounds like we’ll have plenty of it.

“Buffy? I need help!”

Dawn’s frantic voice snapped her from her reverie. And the fun just keeps comin'. She called through the closed bathroom door. “What’s the matter?”

“I can’t get the door open.”

Buffy twisted the doorknob. “Unlock it.”

“It is unlocked. The door won’t budge.”

“Hold on.” She leaned her shoulder against the door and pushed. The door swung open, the hinges protesting loudly. “Wow, that was really stuck.”

Dawn scurried through the door. “Okay, can I say that I hate old motels?”

“I’d say you’ve got a right.” Buffy picked up her own shower bag. “I’m going in to take my shower and then get some sleep.”

“Thanks for the super strength. Good night.”

“’Night.”

Buffy carefully closed the door and looked around. The sink had a cracked mirror above it and there were a few tiles missing around the room. This certainly wouldn’t win any House Beautiful awards, but I’m so tired it could be a candles bear’s cave and I wouldn’t care. She reached over and turned on the shower. At least the shower works and there’s lots of hot water.

The Slayer shrugged off the shower scene from Psycho and stepped through the curtain. I would’ve just beat the crap out of Norman Bates.

In the room next door, Spike was lying across the bed with his hands behind his head. Unlike Buffy, he wasn’t sleepy and was watching television when he heard Dawn shout through the thin walls.

Concerned, Spike concentrated on listening to the activities in the next room. He heard both Dawn‘s plea for help and Buffy forcing the door open. Spike shook his head. Even exhausted and in her own room, the Slayer still has to save someone.

Once tuned to the room next door, he couldn’t seem to stop. Spike heard the Slayer walk into the bathroom herself, shed her clothes and turn on the shower. Oh no. He groaned and punched the TV remote, ratcheting the volume up higher.

He threw the remote on the adjacent bed, rolled over on his side and closed his eyes, hoping the loud sounds of Jay Leno’s uproarious studio audience would muffle the sound of Buffy in the shower.

Chapter 5- Cloud of Confusion

The wolf is shaved
so neat and trim
Red Riding Hood
is chasing him.
Burma-Shave

Negligently waving his hand, the ruby signet ring flashed in the lamplight. “Your report.”

The scout bowed and moved fully into the throne room. “The manifestation occurred on schedule and the Slayer and her compatriots have acquired the first portal key. As per your instructions, we did nothing but observe.”

“Continue.”

“It was as you expected, Excellency, the Candlerisse proved a suitable distraction. We were not detected.”

“Where is the first Key now?”

“As you also anticipated, the Slayer has retained it.”

“It is protected?”

“Yes, Sire. It was placed within a suitable receptacle.”

“Who handled it?”

“Only the Slayer.”

“It is possible that she may be affected even now: continue to follow the instructions already given.”

“As you request, so shall it be done.”

The signet ring waved again. “Leave me.”

The scout bowed.

****

Pelting rain had already swamped a portion of the parking lot pavement when Buffy quietly closed her door. At ten o’clock her little sister was still asleep, but the Slayer felt wide awake and refreshed. Surprisingly the lumpy mattress had proven no distraction and she’d slept deeply the entire night. Reenergized she’d dressed quickly and headed for the adjacent room.

Raising her hand to knock on Spike’s door, Buffy could hear the television playing. Spike must already be up. She rapped firmly.

“Slayer.” Spike, his voice coarsened from sleep, opened the door and stepped back. “Come on in.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were still asleep.” Buffy took in the vampire’s rumpled clothes and bed hair. “I heard the television and thought you were already up.”

Spike and bed hair. Oh my God, I so need to stop gawking now. Flustered, Buffy moved through the door. What is with me lately? I keep thinking weird thoughts about Spike.

Pushing the door closed, Spike didn’t notice her sudden embarrassment and continued the conversation. “I fell asleep with the telly on.”

He ran a hand through his hair, causing it to stick up even more wildly and looked down at his wrinkled clothes. “I need a shower and a change of clothes.” Motioning at the other bed, he offered. “You can sit here and wait if you want or I’ll come over and get you in a few minutes.”

Buffy swallowed the lump that formed when Spike ran his hand through his hair. Her eyes roamed everywhere but on the vampire in front of her and finally lit on the TV. “Dawn’s still asleep. I’ll stay here and wait.” And use the time to regain my sanity.

She plopped down on the extra bed and grabbed the remote like a lifeline. Staring down at the controls, she asked, “Is it okay if I turn done the volume a little?” How could he sleep with it so loud?

A vision of Spike and his sexy bed hair lying on the other bed ran through her mind. Does he always sleep in his clothes? Okay, stop right there.

”Yeah, you can turn it down, it’s pretty loud.” Spike headed into the bathroom and closed the door firmly.

Flipping on the hot water, he adjusted the nozzle and stepped under the spray. I’m such a git. He smacked his head hard with his hand. Grabbing the soap, he scrubbed furiously. I’ve got to find a way for her to notice me.

He squeezed the shampoo bottle so tightly the bottle cracked in two. Ruefully, he watched his shampoo run down the drain. Before I drive myself completely around the bend.

Buffy flipped through the channels, finally settling on one of the morning talk shows. Leaning back against the headboard she heard the water in the shower start. Deliberately trying to divert her attention away from the bathroom, she watched a well known movie actor walk onstage amid hearty cheering and clapping from the audience. Losing interest almost immediately, she fidgeted with the quilt while thoughts raced around in her head.

Why am I acting so nuts lately? It’s gotta be this mission and being stuck in the van for hours at a time. That would drive anyone crazy. As far as the Spike ogling goes, it’s normal to check out a hot guy, especially while we’re working together. This will all stop when the mission’s over and we get back to Sunnydale. I’ll go back to my regular routine and Spike will go back to whatever he actually does when he’s not bugging me. Everything will be normal again. I like normal. Normal is of the good.

Feeling like she’d arrived at an answer for her recent behavior, Buffy lifted the remote to change the channel and froze. Spike, naked to the waist, opened the door of the bathroom and walked out amid a cloud of steam. His hair, wet from the shower, dripped on the small white hotel towel draped around his shoulders. Guh.

He dropped the towel on his bed, leaned over and started digging in his duffle. Pulling out a comb, he walked closer to the television. No need for a mirror, Spike combed his hair and watched the show.

Buffy, mesmerized, watched out of the corner of her eye as a water droplet slid slowly down the smooth alabaster chest and over the taut six pack to tantalizingly disappear under the waist band of Spike’s jeans. Dazed, she suddenly realized she still held the remote.

Spike watched the actor on the screen and snorted. “That git still pushin’ that same lame movie? Clem and I saw it. It was terrible, actually put Clem off his feed. Too much violence, no plot at all.”

“Huh?”

Spike, comb still in hand, finally noticed the Slayer’s odd expression. “Slayer? Are you alright?”

Snapping the remote down on the dresser, she replied tersely. “I’m perfectly fine. Are you about ready to discuss tactics yet?”

Confusion crossed his face. “Sure, just let me grab my shirt.”What did I do to piss her off now?

Spike tried to figure out what had set the Slayer off, but other than having to wait a few minutes for him, he couldn’t see why she was suddenly being such a bitch.

Buffy cut off several suggestions about security that he offered, finally just snapping. “We’ll just have to see what happens next and go from there.”

With that pronouncement from on high, she flounced off to wake Dawn and collect the others.

When his door slammed, Spike grimaced and started stuffing things in his duffle. Maybe it’s PMS or somethin’. She’s certainly cranky enough.

****

It was after one when the van pulled out of the parking lot, carefully skirting the huge water filled pot holes.

Everyone had shifted to different seats. Willow and Tara were sitting in the back and Spike asked if he could join them. He explained that he hadn’t slept well and wanted some more rest.

The vampire, newspaper over his face, leaned against the van’s special vampire- safe glass window.

Anya added expenses in the middle seat while Buffy sat next to her and read a magazine.

Dawn joined Xander in front and stared out the window. ”Careful Xander, that one was almost even with the bottom of the door.”

”They really need to fill those in, but I guess they don’t have the money. Concrete is expensive.”

“Last night I got stuck in our bathroom. Buffy had to force open the door for me.”

“Probably bad hinges or swollen wood.” Xander steered around another huge hole.

“At least the mud covers the demon scratches”. Willow offered.

Dawn continued. “All I could think about while I was stuck in the bathroom was being stabbed like that lady in Psycho.”

Suddenly the only noticeable sound was the scritch of the wipers across the windshield.

Buffy dropped the magazine in her lap. “You’ve seen that movie?”

”Duh. We watched it in film appreciation last semester. It’s a classic.”

Muttering something uncomplimentary about the California educational system, the Slayer returned to her magazine.

Under the newspaper, Spike chuckled.

Xander pointed the van toward Louisiana.

Chapter 6- Antiquities, Pyrotechnics, and Demons, oh my

Riot at the drugstore
Calling all cars
100 customers
99 jars
Burma- Shave

Buffy shaded her eyes, craned her neck and tried to see to the top of the tree. “That’s the largest poplar tree I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s actually an oak tree.” Willow brandished the AAA tour book, one of several reference books she’d brought along on the trip. “It’s the largest oak tree in the entire United States and its over four hundred years old. Isn’t that amazing?”

”What’s really amazin’ is that no one’s cut it down yet to build a shopping mall.”

Confusion filled the Slayer face as she continued to stare at the tree. “Okay, so why are we standing here at the really old tree?”

Willow shrugged. “Well….”

“Oh no, don’t tell me the key’s up there.”

At the look on the Slayer’s face, Spike leaned against the van and laughed. Buffy scanned the rest of the group. Everyone was studiously looking somewhere else, except Dawn. Standing next to Spike, the teen grinned at her sister.

“Fine,” Buffy snapped and ran her hand along the rough bark. “This is so gonna ruin my clothes.” Glaring at the still laughing vampire, she added. “For that encouragement, you can climb up with me.”

Spike wiped his eyes. “I’m not bleedin’ Tarzan. I didn’t sign on to climb trees.”

“No, you signed on to find the keys. The key’s up there, so you’re up there.”

Xander snickered and cupped his hands around his mouth. Spike interrupted him. “Don’t you do the yell, Harris, or I’ll make sure you walk like the bleedin’ monkey for the duration.”

****

“Uh oh” Buffy’s left foot was suddenly dangling in mid air. Cupping her hands, she tried to warn the group below. “Guys, watch out!” She turned back to Spike. “Can you see where the branch landed?”

“Can’t see anything through this canopy.”

“Xander, are you guys alright?”

Xander’s voice floated up. “We’re fine. It didn’t land on anyone.”

Willow’s voice could be heard faintly. “Tell her.”

“Uh, Buffy?”

“What is it Xan?”

“The branch landed on the van’s roof. There’s a big dent.”

“Oh.” She looked over at Spike and shrugged. “At least no one got hurt.”

“We can always throw some mud up there, Slayer. It worked for the claw marks.”

“Spike, I see the key. It’s just above your left shoulder.”

“Got it, pet.”

“Wait a minute, what’s that buzzing noise?”

Distracted by the Slayer’s question, he didn’t pay attention to the green droplets in his palm. Scanning the horizon, he grimaced. “More to the point, Slayer, what’s that brown cloud headed this way? Spike cocked his head. “Whatever it is, it’s alive and moving fast. We need to get out of here.”

Down below, Willow scanned the sky. “There’s something moving this way. Xander, get the van started.”

Anya screamed. “It’s Dogennes. Hurry!”

Buffy and Spike dropped the last fifteen feet and leaped into the van. “Let’s go! Now!”

Xander stomped on the pedal and the van careened out of the dark forest and into the stream of traffic headed for the interstate.

Dawn gripped the hand rest and asked, “Anya, what are Dogennes?”

“Have you ever seen the Wizard of Oz ?”

“Sure.”

“They look just like the flying monkeys, except bigger, smarter and much meaner.”

Buffy craned her neck. “Can anyone see if we’re being followed?”

Tara shook her head. “They flew toward the tree while you guys were getting in the van. I think they were looking for the key, too.”

****

“Come forward.”

“Sire, the Slayer has acquired the second portal key.”

“Were there any unforeseen difficulties?”

“A troop of Dogennes arrived; however they were unaware the key had already been removed.”

“Who handled the key?”

“The vampire.”

“When and where will the next key materialize?”

“In two days time in the state the humans call Georgia.”

“Continue to follow your instructions.”

****

“This place is really neat. I’d love to buy some of everything.” Willow happily wandered around lightly touching the delicate figurines.

Tara held up a crock shaped like a cow. “My grandmother had one of these.”

Smiling happily at her girlfriend,Willow replied. “It’s really cute.”

Dawn walked up, carefully carrying three miniature bells. “Look Buffy.”

“They’re very pretty.” Buffy was definitely in a better mood than she’d been earlier in the day. When the witches announced they had almost two entire days to reach the next manifestation, the Scoobies all agreed to take their time and enjoy some of the sights along the way.

Having missed breakfast, the restaurant had drawn them in. Sated from a huge lunch, they were wandering around in the antique shop next door.

Willow held up a plate with Dorothy and Toto painted on it. “Wow, this is from the original premier of the movie.” She studied another plate with a smiling Tin man. “I can see why this store is named The Yellow Brick Road.”

Anya walked up holding a tea tray. “Isn’t this pretty?” The women all gathered around to admire the lacquered tray.

Spike grimaced. “I’m goin’ out for a cigarette.”

Xander caught up to him. “I’ll go with you.”

Leaning against the side of the building in the shade, Spike lit his cigarette. “What’s the matter Harris? Antiquing not to your liking?”

”I hate shopping.” He joined Spike against the wall. “As much as I hate to say this, you know we need to stick together.”

Spike blew a smoke ring. “Why would that be?”

“Because we’re outnumbered here. If we’re not careful, we’ll spend the next two weeks shopping any time there’s a break in the action.”

“You’ve got a point. Don’t know what it is about stores that bring out the worst in birds. Dru could never pass up a shop. Usually I went along with it, could always eat the proprietor while she looked ‘round. But now….”

Xander brightened. “On the other hand there are some kinds of stores that aren’t so boring.” He pointed across the parking lot.

Spike turned to look. “I’ll grab my blanket.”

After a mad dash across the parking lot, Xander held the door for Spike. Tucking his blanket under his arm, he nodded to the man at the cash register. “Afternoon.”

The elderly man behind the counter nodded back. “You boys see anything you need help with, just give a holler.”

“Thanks. We will. “ Xander was already heading toward the back shelves. “Wow.” He touched the large roman candles reverently. “We used to light some of these at my Uncle Rory’s every Fourth of July.”

Spike read the label on a brightly colored box. “Says this shoots twenty colored balls into the air all at once.”

“Yeah, I’ve lit those before, too.” He leaned toward the vampire. “But the best aren’t even here. They’re illegal to sell these days.” He lowered his voice. “M80’s. I remember once in middle school, two guys actually blew up a toilet in the boy’s bathroom with a couple of them. My cousin used to drive around and set them off inside mailboxes.”

Spike snickered. “Sounds like fun.”

The vampire continued to look around the store while the clerk finished ringing up Xander’s purchases.

“You bought quite a lot, son. Planning on a large show are you?”

Xander hefted the two large bags. “Yeah. I love fireworks.” He turned to Spike. “Give me a minute and I’ll pull the van over here in the shade.”

“Ta.” Spike leaned against the counter. “So, Gramps, how long have you worked here?”

“I’ve owned the store for almost twenty-five years.”

Xander had just finished stowing the fireworks safely in the back luggage compartment under the spare tire when Spike came out carrying a small bag.

“You bought something after all?”

Spike smirked and opened the bag. Inside were over two dozen M80’s. “He had them in the back room.” He handed the bag to Xander. “Stow these with your stuff and you can have a couple.”

“Deal. Spike?”

“Yeah, Harris?”

“Don’t tell Anya about this stuff okay?”

“Not a problem. This junket just cost me a large bit of dosh. I don’t fancy the Slayer gettin’ a whiff, going all high and mighty and pitchin’ them out.”

The girls came out of the antique shop carrying several small packages and chattering happily. Buffy walked up to the back of the van. “Open up the storage area, we need to put this stuff in.”

Xander stuttered a moment and dug for the keys. Spike gave him a look and turned to Buffy. “Here, let me help, Slayer.”

Buffy looked suspiciously at him. “What’s going on?”

Anya piled her bags in Xander’s arms. “Oh Buffy, he’s just trying to be nice.”

“Oh. Well, uh, thanks Spike.”

“You’re welcome, Slayer.”

Chapter 7- Changes in Attitudes
Grandpa’s beard
was stiff and course
and that’s what caused
his fifth divorce
Burma- Shave

With the sun setting behind the van, Spike pressed the gas pedal and glanced in the rearview mirror. It seemed another large meal, this time dinner at a barbeque restaurant, and the earlier shopping had done everyone in, there wasn’t an open eye in the entire van.

His attention was diverted from the realization that only he and the Slayer were awake when a small red sports car pulled alongside. He flicked his ash through the open window and looked over at the driver.

A gorgeous blonde, long hair streaming in the wind casually looked over at him and smiled.

Spike, tongue between his teeth, nodded at her and grinned.

She blew him a kiss, waved and pushed the convertible. The sports car disappeared around a curve.

Spike shifted in the seat.

“Pretty.”

Spike whipped his head around. He’d completely forgotten the Slayer was awake. “What?”

Buffy, her hands in her lap, smiled sweetly. “I said ‘pretty’”.

“Not much for convertibles myself, pet. Never trusted those automatic motors that control the top.”

“I wasn’t talking about the car. I figured you didn’t even notice the car with the driver going all Christy Brinkley at you.”

Spike stared into her eyes briefly. “She doesn’t hold a candle to you.” Gripping the wheel tighter, he turned his attention back to the road.

The ‘thank you’ was spoken so softly that only vampiric ears caught it.

Hearing her heartbeat accelerate, he cut his eyes over to the Slayer and watched as she stared out the window herself, a small smile playing across her lips.

Spike relaxed his grip and stepped down on the accelerator. Georgia beckoned.

*****

“We should remove it.”

Xander peered closer. “I’m not sure we can do that, without removing some of the paint too.”

“I think that’s just despicable, the way people take liberties with other people’s personal possessions, especially advertisers.” Anya shook her head.

Willow wrinkled her nose. “It’s really gross.” She looked at her best friend and asked, “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.” Buffy stared at the enormous lime green bumper sticker that someone had plastered across the back of the van.

She read it out loud. “Visit the Cockroach Museum, Plano Texas.” Since when are cockroaches that particular shade of purple?

“At least it covers some of the worst scratches.” Spike commented and looked at the Slayer. “I think Harris is right, you need to let a professional remove that, pet.”

She sighed. “Leave it. Besides we’ve only got a little while to get back to the site.”

Hiking toward the back of the building, Buffy called back over her shoulder. “Be careful guys, stay near the building. Come on Spike, it’s behind here somewhere.”

The vampire nodded and followed her around the corner of the tourist trap. He mused as they walked. “What is it with humans? Why do you put up all these road side attractions anyway?”

Buffy scanned the ground around the building. “I don’t have any idea. Do you see the ball thingy anywhere?”

Spike, confined to the overhang in the evening sun, shrugged. “Sorry, pet, but I’m not really much good out here right now.”

“Why don’t you go and trade places with Xander? I’d feel better if you were with Dawn anyway. So far, these portal balls haven’t been any real trouble.”

”On my way.”

*****.

“I found it Buffy.” Xander held up the portal key. “It’s over here.” He grimaced. “Ugh, it’s a little damp.” He wiped his hand on his jeans and handed the ball to the Slayer.

“Thanks Xan. Good job.”

“All in a day’s work.” Xander grinned. “Hey, I’m just like a real superhero, but with no powers or motivation.”

After the Slayer gave him the portal key, Spike placed it in the receptacle. Closing the trunk carefully so he didn’t rattle all of those bleedin’ bells again, he commented. “So, that’s three of ‘em.” He scanned the rapidly darkening sky. “No sign of any demons either.”

“Buffy, the next portal key is in five hours.” Tara held up the locater pendent.

“We need to head north.” Willow added

“Okay, everybody, saddle up.” Buffy looked around. “Where are Anya and Dawn?” She glared at the vampire. “You were supposed to be watching them. I can’t trust you to do something right for five seconds.”

“You told me to put the portal key away.” Spike scowled at her. “Besides they went to the loo and that’s a line I refuse to cross.”

“If I give you an assignment, you need to do it.” Buffy crossed her arms in front of her.

The vampire narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know what your problem is, Slayer, but I bet it’s really hard to pronounce.”

“I don’t have a problem, except for you, Spike.” She took a step closer to him.

He gritted his teeth. “Sorry, but it’s not my day to care.”

Wide eyed, Willow watched the vampire move toward Buffy and growl.

The Slayer balled her fists and moved forward another step.

The witch quickly laid a restraining hand on Buffy’s arm. “Come on, Buff, we need to get moving. Tight time schedule and everything.”

Tara moved into the vampire’s line of sight. “Come on Spike, I think it’s your turn to drive.”

Buffy lifted her chin. “Whatever.” She started for the van.

Spike, his eyes never leaving the Slayer, shrugged. “Fine.” He turned toward the driver’s seat.

The witches watched the couple stalk away in opposite directions. Willow spoke first. “What just happened here? They almost came to blows over absolutely nothing.”

Tara shook her head. “Must be this trip. I think it’s starting to get to everybody.”

Looking around, Willow saw Dawn and Anya walking out of the building and waved them over.

Spike gunned the van’s motor and they shot out of the parking lot.

******

”Xander, what are you doing?” Anya watched her boyfriend carry an armload of snacks to the trash bin at the gas station.

Xander lifted the lid and dropped everything. “I’ve decided I need to lose some weight.” He reached in the van and grabbed the box of Twinkies. Pitching them in the can, he added. “I’m going on a serious diet.”

Anya looked confused. “Right now? In the middle of a trip?”

“No time like the present.” He grabbed the tin of caramel popcorn from the backseat.

Anya shrugged. “Don’t expect me to purchase more snack foods when you decide this was an enormous mistake. That would not make good economic sense.”

”No problemo. This is definitely no mistake, I have to do this. ”

Anya watched her boyfriend toss his remaining snacks in the trash. This is so wrong. I can’t believe I just watched Xander Harris throw out a fresh, completely unopened box of Ding Dongs.

****

Waiting in the van under a shady tree, Willow picked up the thick book. “This book is especially cool; it has so many interesting facts in it. I bet they must have had a huge research budget and about a gazillion researchers.” She stroked the book lovingly.

Sitting next to her girlfriend, Tara watched Willow thumb slowly through the book, highlighting particular passages. iHow like Willow to have brought along informational books and highlighter pens on a trip. Let’s see, so far I’ve heard all about Louisiana, Texas and Mississippi. Here comes Georgia. Amused, she put an interested expression on her face.

The red head found the passage she wanted. “Georgia was one of the original thirteen colonies. I’d almost forgotten that. It’s the twenty-fourth state in size. I keep meaning to look up which is the largest. I think it’s probably Alaska. The Georgia state bird is….”

Keeping the interested expression on her face, Tara allowed her mind to wander. I wonder how much longer before Buffy and Anya get back with the key? She glanced over at Spike standing sullenly next to the van talking to Xander. It had surprised her when the vampire refused to go with the Slayer.

Tara frowned, turning the earlier squabble over in her head. She and Willow had heard the entire exchange, but they couldn’t come up with any actual reason for it. Tara knew the two blonds liked to snark at each other, although lately there had been an underlying fondness that she’d hoped would play out with the two becoming a couple. But the trip certainly looked to be ruining that, this last argument had been just plain mean. The two were beginning to act as if they couldn’t stand to be near each other, each one trying their hardest to make the other angry. She worried another incident like today would cause a permanent split between them.

She glanced at Dawn, sleeping in the back seat. It was a good thing they seemed to have shaken the demons for now, every one could use a break.

With Spike standing guard over the rest of the group and Xander buried under the hood, checking out a strange noise within the van’s engine, Buffy had recruited Anya to go with her. Tara shifted. We’re all getting a little wired and loopy. We need a break.


Willow caught the movement out of the corner of her eye. “I’m sorry, was I going too fast?” She cleared her throat and started again slower. “The state of Georgia is bordered on the south by the state of Florida, on the north by the state of Tennessee….”

****

The Slayer rapidly scanned the ground. “It should be right around here.”

Anya peered under the largest hedge. “Oh, Buffy, here it is.” Smiling, she held up the little round portal key. “Ugh, it has a little bit of goo on it.” Wiping her hand on her jeans, Anya walked up to the Slayer. “You didn’t tell me it was going to be sticky.”

Buffy dropped the ball in her skirt pocket before answering. “Sorry, I didn’t know. It’s probably something from the hedge.” She returned the smile. “Thanks for coming along with me. It’s starting to get dark and with Xander checking out that noise in the van and Spike being pissy, I needed another pair of eyes. This way we can grab it and hopefully get going before any demons show up.”

“Spike was in a bad mood, but he’s usually so much nicer than any of the other vampires that I’ve met. I just think this trip is starting to affect us all. I mean, look at Xander. I still can’t believe he pitched his snack food.”

“I just hope there’s no major problem with the van.”

Anya nodded. “In my experience, if it’s got tires or testicles, it’s going to give a woman problems.” She fell into step with Buffy. “That’s just the way it is.”

Chapter 8-Even Ripley Wouldn’t Believe It

A peach looks good
with lots of fuzz
but man’s no peach
and never was.
Burma-Shave


“What are those?” She eyed the stack of pink striped boxes.

“They’re Claxton Fruit Cakes.”

Dawn was perplexed. “I don’t get it. I thought most people don’t really like fruit cake. I mean everyone makes jokes about them. But here they sell them in every gas station, restaurant and gift shop.”

Spike shook his head. “I dunno, Bit.” He looked around the large gas station gift shop. “Couldn’t you find any bells?”

The teen nodded. “I found three, but one of them is way too expensive. It cost more than all the others I’ve bought so far put together.”

”Must not make enough dosh on the fruitcakes.”

The teen nodded. “That’s what I think, too.”

“How many do you have now?” The vision of enough little tinkling bells to outfit every cat in the state crossed his mind.

“With the two I just bought now, I’ve got twenty-three.” Dawn looked around. “Where’s everyone else?”

“You’re sister and Anyanka went to pay the repair bill on the van, while Harris and the witches went portal key shoppin.’”

“I can’t believe Xander refused to eat breakfast or lunch. Do you think he’s sick?”

“Nah, probably finally looked in a mirror.” Spike replied and carefully set the box of fruitcake back on the stack. “Here comes your sis now.” The bitch.

Ignoring Spike completely, Buffy spoke to Dawn. “Dawnie, look what Anya bought for you.”

Dawn’s mouth dropped open. “Oh my God, it’s that bell.”

Spike looked at Anya holding out the bell to Dawn and raised an eyebrow. “You bought something that cost more than it should?”

Anya smiled. “Well, I thought it was about time we stopped pinching pennies. After all, the Council can afford it.” She smiled wider. “I didn’t haggle with the cashier at all. I never realized before how much fun it is to pay far too much for an item. From now on, I’m always going to pay retail.”

Dawn looked dazed. “Thank you, Anya.”

“You’re welcome.” She gravitated toward the shelves next to them. “I wonder what else they have for purchase? Maybe I can find something that was on sale up until today. Ooh, fruitcake!”

“Come on Bit, I’ll help you put your expensive trinket away.”

“Just a minute Spike.” You stupid vampire. Buffy moved closer to him.

“What do you want?” You dozy bint.

“I’m going to need you for the next key. I spoke to Giles and he said there are already signs of demonic activity in that area.” She lifted her chin. “You need to stop being such a pain in the ass, I might have to use you.”

Dawn gasped. “But Buffy, he wasn’t doing anything. We were just standing here talking.” What is going on between them? They can’t even be near each other without arguing anymore.

“S’okay, Bit.” Spike eyes flashed yellow. “Slayer is just being her usual charmin’ self.”

Placing her hands on her hips, Buffy stared at Spike. “You don’t really deserve charming, do you Spike?”

Dawn tugged on her sister’s sleeve. “Now wait a minute, Buffy. That was completely uncalled for. You are so not being nice.”

“I don’t do nice with him.” The Slayer tossed her blonde hair and stalked off.

“Wow, what’s her damage?”

Spike narrowed his eyes. “Don’t know, don’t give a damn.”

Dawn watched him stalk off in the other direction and sighed. Holding up the bell, she saw a noticeable flaw in the paint. Figures.

*****

“It was just so awesome.” Willow happily began reiterating the story for the third time.

Spike ignored the nattering and concentrated on the van’s engine. He looked over at Xander sitting in the passenger seat. “I don’t think that blighter really repaired the engine.”

“Are you sure?” Xander asked, while forcing himself to tear open the cellophane bag in his lap. Cringing at the sound, he was already feeling nauseous at the thought of eating the entire contents, but Anya had insisted.

Spike ignored the noise from the bag. “Which of us has the best hearing? The engine sounds off again and it started after that last rest stop. ”

Xander conceded defeat in the hearing contest. “If the mechanic didn’t put in a new part, we’re not going to be moving for much longer.” He looked in the bag. There’s enough food in here for a week. He shuddered.

“I’ll watch the gauge and we’ll know soon enough.”

Grimacing, Xander finally forced himself to reach in and pull out one of the rice cakes. Nibbling on it, he turned his attention back to Willow.

“I’d just finished picking up the portal key and then the demon showed up.” Willow looked at her girlfriend and smiled. “We sent a huge rock down on its head from the hillside and it collapsed right there.”

Tara reminded her. “Honey, don’t forget, you wanted to look up what kind of stone we used in the spell.”

“I guess it really isn’t important. Besides, I threw all the books out at the last rest area.”

Tara looked quizzically at her girlfriend. “All of your books? Why?”

“I got tired of reading all those unnecessary facts.” She balled her fist and feigned a punch. “From now on, instead of Research Willow, I’m going to be All Action Willow.”

Ignoring the shocked look on her girlfriend’s face, Willow settled back against the seat. I wonder where I can get a leather cat suit and a really good knife? Maybe Buffy brought an extra one I can borrow. Making a mental note to ask the Slayer for some tips on the proper way to decapitate someone, she closed her eyes. All Action Willow needed a nap so she would be prepared for anything the demons threw at her.

Anya piped up from the back seat. “Why don’t we all stop for ice cream sundaes or T-bone steaks? My treat.”

*****

“Sire, the Slayer and her companions have now acquired five of the seven portal keys, but their behavior has become unstable.”

“Please elaborate.”

“Several of the humans have touched the portal keys immediately after their manifestation.”

“That is most unexpected.” The signet ring motioned the guard closer. “Recall the captain. It may be necessary to alter the plan.”

The guard bowed.

Chapter 9- Over the River and Too Deep In the Woods

This cooling shave
will never fail
to stamp its user
first class male
Burma-Shave

“Didn’t we already cross this river?” Dawn peered out the passenger side window at the thick foliage along the quiet two lane road. “I know I’ve seen that name before.” She opened the glove compartment. “I’m going to get the map out and look.”

Spike nodded. “Maybe you better check, Bit. The name does sound really familiar.”

“Why do they have signs that say ‘watch out for falling rocks’? Do they fall differently here than in California?”

Chuckling, he replied. “I think rocks are the same everywhere, Nibblet, still controlled by gravity.” He enjoyed having Dawn in the passenger seat. She was a good kid. Even all those boxes of tinkling bells had started to bother him less. Of course he made sure he never sat back in the third seat.

Glancing at the Slayer asleep in the middle seat behind him, his eyes narrowed. This trip had certainly shown him a side of the Slayer that he could have done without. She’s become a right bitch.

“I think we need to turn here.”

“Are you sure Nibblet? This road is a lot narrower.”

“The map says Choctaw Ridge is the turn after the Tallahatchie Bridge.”

“I still think that name sounds so familiar.” Spike cast around in his mind for the reason, but couldn’t come up with anything. Maybe he’d driven this way some time in the past…

“Look out Spike!”

****

Buffy inspected the van. The front currently resided on the narrow gravel road, but the back was mired to the top of the wheel-wells in thick Georgia clay.

“Tell me again what happened?” She wrinkled her forehead and added. “Whose fault was this?”

Dawn took a deep breath. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault. We were looking for our turn when a humongous deer ran out in the road right in front of us. If it wasn’t for Spike’s reflexes, we would have hit it”.

“Why didn’t you just pull around it, or make it move?” She glared at the vampire.

“Are you really that stupid, or are you making a special effort today?” Spike lifted an eyebrow. “Squirrels may be nature’s little speed bumps, but even I don’t play chicken with a soddin’ seven hundred pound buck. At least not if you want to continue riding around in this plastic piece of crap after the fact.”

Sighing, Buffy rubbed her eyes. “Well, people, we’ve got exactly fifteen minutes until the manifestation at the top of this little hill. Right?”

Willow nodded. “I’ll go Buffy, but I really need to have a knife.”

Shrugging, the Slayer handed her a knife. Assuming General Mode, she continued. “Xander, you’ll need to be behind the wheel to steer. Spike and I’ll lift the van out. Willow, Tara and Anya go up the hill and grab the key.”

“What about me?”

The Slayer turned to her little sister. “You look at the map, see if there’s a shorter way to get back to the interstate. I want to get out of here as soon as possible. Alright, people, let’s do it.”

Everyone scattered.

Xander rolled down the window. “Ready when you are.”

“Spike, you get on that side and I’ll get this one.”

“Fine.” He grabbed the bottom of the van. “Slayer, be sure you don’t hold on to the—“

Buffy interrupted. “Go, Xander.”

The van started and the wheels spun. Buffy grabbed the van’s back bumper and lifted. The plastic bumper broke off in her hands. “Damn.”

Spike snickered.

Glaring at the vampire, she called out. “Xander, try it again.”

“Okay, Buff.” He turned the van’s ignition again. “Go.”

This time, lifting from beneath the chassis, the couple easily helped the van back on the pavement. Xander pulled up a few feet and cut the engine.


****

“Tara,do you have the key yet?” When Willow caught the blonde witches’ nod, she planted her feet. Fumbling with the knife, she dropped it in the grass. Picking it back up, she took aim and threw it toward the demon. And missed by ten feet. Rats. . “Run!”

The three women sprinted down the hill. “Buffy!”

Buffy, wiping her hands, heard the women yelling her name. Looking up she saw a light yellow furry demon chasing them down the hill.

Grabbing her sword, she ran past the three and leaped, easily slicing its head from the broad shoulders.

Walking back, she spun the sword. “That was the most fun I’ve had in days.” She looked at the women trying to catch their breath. “Did you find the key?”

Tara held it up. “I’d just picked it up when that thing showed up.”

Willow bounced on her feet. “I tried to kill it myself, but I dropped my knife.”

“Even though Willow wanted to play Slayer- Anya shook her head at the red haired witch- we decided the prudent thing was to come back here as quickly as possible.”

“Good idea. Pack the key away and let’s get out of here. Xander, would you open the trunk?”

”Sure, Buffster.”

Anya, perplexed, stared at the back of the van. “What happened to the bumper?”

Dawn offered a one word explanation. “Buffy.”

Anya nodded sagely. “Oh.”

“Ready, everyone?” Xander twirled the keys on his finger. “Let’s hit the road.”

“Wait a minute, Slayer. What’s that noise?”

“I have no idea.”

Spike cocked an ear. “Run everybody, now!” The urgency in the vamp’s voice caused everyone to scatter. The noise, at first only detectable to vampiric hearing quickly became a loud rumble.

The Scoobies peered from their safe vantage point farther down the gravel road and watched a boulder roll down the hill, gaining momentum through the thicket until it crash landed at the bottom, shooting a plume of wet clay in the air.

Gathered around the large rock, Dawn finally spoke. “Well, at least we don’t have to figure out how to bring it along with us.” Using the toe of one sneaker, she nudged at the crumbled remains of the van’s bumper, flattened neatly beneath the boulder.

Chapter 10- Opposites Are Not Attractive

Within this vale
of toil and sin
your head grows bald
but not your chin
Burma-Shave



“Wow, now this is a nice hotel.” Xander stared at the flowing two story waterfall in the lobby. “Do they recycle the water, or just have slaves that refill it every morning?”

Anya strolled back from registration. “We’re on the seventeenth floor.”

“Anya, are you sure we can afford this?”

“With the money we’ve saved by not stopping last night and the drop in Xander’s food bill costs, I’d say we’re about even. This is the closest hotel to the last manifestation site and since we’ve got to wait another entire day, it makes good ecological sense to wait at the nearest location. We won’t be wasting gas this way and besides, they’ve probably got Egyptian cotton towels. I love a good thread count.”

Opening the door to their suite, everyone gasped.

“This room is incredible.” Willow surveyed the sunken living room complete with big screen television, fireplace and bar.

Anya pointed at various doors. “This isn’t just a room; it’s a three bedroom suite with nanny quarters, so that really makes it four bedrooms.” She shrugged. “This way we have lots of room to wait until tomorrow night’s manifestation.”

She watched Xander play with the switches that controlled the lighting. “There’s a Play Station game console and a couple of computers with wireless internet along with the cable television. We’ve even got a key for the indoor pool two floors down.”

After choosing bedrooms, Dawn dropped her stuff on the bed. “Do you think everything is okay?”

Buffy closed the door. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, for one thing, this suite. Buffy, I just don’t see Anya talking herself into this no matter what the reasons. It’s almost like she’s a different person.”

Buffy wrinkled her nose. “She has become a little freer with the money, but I think it makes sense to stay here. Besides, I can’t wait to use the swimming pool.” She rummaged in her suitcase and pulled out her swimsuit. “Don’t worry about it. Everything and everyone is fine.”

She watched her sister change into her swimsuit, grab a towel and leave the room, closing the door behind her. Lying across the thick coverlet, Dawn thought about everything she’d witnessed the past few days and tried to piece it all together. Maybe it was her imagination after all.

Her thoughts were interrupted by loud noises out in the living room. Opening the door, Dawn knew it wasn’t her imagination. She’d definitely been transported into the twilight zone.

“You assholes!!” Tara, flustered and angrier than Dawn had ever seen her, was yelling at Willow and Xander. They were sprawled on the couch playing with the PlayStation and laughing hysterically. The volume was turned up to maximum on the race game. It sounded like they were all standing in the heart of the pits at Daytona.

Tara hurled a ceramic ashtray. It slammed into the wall and broke into several large pieces. The blonde witch flounced into her bedroom and slammed the door.

“I’ve never seen her act like that before, ever.”

Sitting at the computer console, Anya agreed. “I think she could use a large economy sized bottle of Zoloft.” She stared at the broken shards. “Spike will be mad if that’s the only ashtray.”

“What upset her so much?”

“I have no idea. Maybe she wanted to have sex and Willow wanted to mess with the PlayStation instead of her. I know that makes me crabby.” She turned back to the computer. “Oh look, ceramic geese.”

Dawn leaned over her shoulder. “What are you doing?”

“I’m shopping on eBay.”

In spite of herself, Dawn felt compelled to ask. “What have you bought so far?”

Anya looked at her notepad and rattled off a list. “Twenty four plastic flamingoes, a box of frozen jumbo shrimp, a green and pink afghan crocheted in the shell pattern, a crate of wax fruit- mainly bananas and pears, a poster signed by the entire cast of Joanie Loves Chachi, and a CD of James Earl Jones reading from the script of the Lion King in French- that’s for Xander. He loves that movie.” She lowered her voice. “Don’t tell him. I might save it as a Christmas surprise.”

That’ll be a surprise alright.

Anya glanced back at the screen, muttered and punched a key. “I’m engaged in a bidding war with Jingles from Toledo right now over an authentic replica of the civil war battle of Chickamauga, Tennessee done in oils on a fifteen foot canvas sail. I believe it’s the jib. The seller has offered to pay all shipping costs.”

Before she could ask Anya what she was going to do with something that large in their apartment, Dawn heard a knock on the suite’s main door.

Dawn looked around the room. No one was paying any attention, including Anya. She was already embroiled in the bidding war again. Dawn sincerely hoped Jingles from Toledo had really deep pockets.

“Fine. Don’t anybody bother to move, I’ll just answer the door myself.”

When she opened the door, she saw a tall pale man in purple livery standing there. The hotel certainly makes their employees dress in weird costumes. “I’ll bet someone has complained about the noise already. I’m so sorry, we’ll be quieter.”

“You are the Key, yes?”

Dawn’s mouth dropped open. She looked around the hall and whispered. “How do you know about that?”

”I am an emissary for the Keeper. I must speak with the vampire and the Slayer immediately.”

Dawn frowned. “Buffy isn’t here right now. I’ll need to check with the others before I let you in or tell you where she is at the moment. Who’s the Keeper?”

“No one can see me other than the Key, the Slayer and the vampire.” The man shifted. “Please help me and I will explain all.”

I hope I’m doing the right thing, but Spike can take care of himself. “Fine. Come in. I think Spike, uh, the vampire, is in his room.”

Dawn opened the door wider and the man walked into the room. No one looked up at the sound of the door closing. Willow and Xander continued their game and Anya continued clicking the mouse. It was definitely surreal. They really can’t see him.

“Come on, the vampire’s room- his name is Spike by the way- is this way.” She turned toward the kitchen and the mysterious man followed at her heels. ”If he says it’s okay, we’ll go find Buffy, I mean the Slayer.”


****

Spike was lying on the bed in the smallest bedroom. When the group divvied out the bedrooms, Harris had made some remark about nannies, but Spike had ignored it. The vampire didn’t care if this room was smaller than the rest; he’d slept in a lot smaller rooms back in the day, not to mention the lack of windows in here was a vast improvement. Except for the time spent in the van with its special window coating, Spike had been dodging the sun a lot the last few days and that wore on a bloke after awhile.

Rolling over he stared at the ceiling. It was nice to get away from the humans for a bit. There was definitely something odd about the whole bunch lately, but Spike couldn’t put his finger on what bothered him so much about them. He was too focused on the Slayer.

Ignoring the no smoking sign in the room, he lit a cigarette and thought about Buffy. When had it all gone so off? He couldn’t really put his finger on it; he’d just suddenly realized that she irritated the hell out of him. From her response to him lately, he figured the feeling was more than mutual.

Spike exhaled. The feeling was becoming stronger, too. It was all he could do not to attack her when she got all high handed and bitchy. Which lately had been all the damn time.

He put the cigarette out in one of the glasses conveniently provided by the hotel. He’d take a nice long nap and then he’d be able to handle being in the same room again with the Slayer.

Before he could go too sleep, there was a knock on his door. “Spike? Are you awake?”


****

Buffy had finished her laps. Flipping over, she floated on her back. No one else around this time of day and she’d had the entire heated pool to herself. This was so relaxing. She loved her friends and her sister but it was nice to be alone for awhile. This enforced coziness was becoming a lot to deal with.

She thought back to Dawn’s comment on how odd everyone was acting, but just couldn’t see it. The only thing strange that she’d noticed was how much of a pain in the ass Spike had become the past couple days. He was much more annoying than usual and it was definitely grating on her last nerve. At the rate their relationship was going, he was becoming more and more stake-worthy every hour.

Closing her eyes, Buffy paddled around the pool still floating on her back. I can’t wait to finish this mission and get away from him. Even hearing his voice lately gives me a headache.

“Slayer?”

Chapter 11- The Road Less Traveled Always Has Poison Oak
A chin where
barbed wire bristles stand
is bound to be
a no-ma’ams land
Burma-Shave

Buffy, towel wrapped securely around her dripping body, sat in the plastic deck chair. “Alright, I’m out of the pool and although not dry, I’m ready to listen. So, let’s start with the basics.”

She crossed her arms and stared at the strange man in the royal purple suit sitting across the table. “Just who are you and why have you drug my sister and this annoying vampire into my quiet Buffy time?”

“I am the emissary for the Keeper. I have been given instructions for the Slayer, the vampire and the key.”

Buffy stared at the man. “How do you know about my sister? No one knows that.”

The man stared back. His eyes were nearly black. It made his pale face appear ghost- like. “The Keeper of the abyss is attuned to all portal keys, and knows much. He has followed your progress from the beginning and it is very important to him that you succeed in your venture. He has a stake in the outcome.”

“Okay, so he’s been watching us. Why step forward now?”

“Because it has been brought to his attention that you and your companions have fallen under the protection spell of the portal keys. If this continues you will not be successful in your final attempt.”

Dawn looked at her sister triumphantly. “I knew something was wrong with everyone.” She turned to the emissary. “Buffy and Spike, I mean the Slayer and the vampire, are under the spell, too, aren’t they?”

The emissary nodded. “Yes. However, they are strong enough to break the spell with a concentrated effort; the humans with them can not. They will only return to their original paths once the keys have been connected.”

“We’re not supposed to connect the keys, my orders are to turn the balls over to the Council unconnected and safely in their little box.”

“Then the humans will remain as they are now, controlled by the spell.”

Spike lit a cigarette. “I want to hear more about this spell. I don’t feel any differently than I ever have.”

“The portal keys are bewitched to protect them from being collected and used. The spell takes many paths, but in essence an overriding trait or emotion of the bearer is twisted into an unrecognizable compulsion to behave in a contrary way. It becomes stronger with each passing hour until the bewitched becomes so fixated that they can no longer function outside of the spell.”

Buffy frowned. “So you’re saying that to some extent we’re all acting differently that we really would normally?”

“That is correct and by the time of the last manifestation, none of your contingent of humans will be able to control their compulsions long enough to be of any aid to you.”

He looked solemnly between Spike and Buffy and continued. “There is something else which I am to impart to the Slayer. The Keeper has discovered the reason why you have been so successful up to this point.”

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about.” Buffy looked skeptical. “We’ve fought several demons to get those keys.”

“Have you not noticed that the demons have been less and less active as you’ve collected the keys? Several of the strongest demons have made a treaty with each other. They plan to attack as a united front at the last manifestation site. They will then overcome your group and own the portal keys together.”

Buffy turned to Spike and muttered. “I just love it when they grow up and learn to share.”

He snickered. Turning back to the emissary, Spike raised an eyebrow. “If the Slayer and I are both under this spell, how do we break it?”

“You do that which is the opposite of the compulsions you now feel.”

Spike shook his head. “I’m not understandin’ you, mate.”

Buffy added. “I don’t get it either.” She looked confused. “I don’t feel any differently than I have all along. What do we have to do?”

Dawn nodded. “I know.” She turned to the two blondes and said, “You guys have been fighting like cats and dogs. You have to stop that.” She looked over at the emissary. “That’s their overriding compulsion right now. They want to kill each other.”

The man nodded gravely. “Then they must do the exact opposite to break the spell.” He stood up. “My time has drawn to a close and you have much to decide. The Keeper and our small force will be on hand tomorrow night at the manifestation site to assist you. However you must understand that our goals do not coincide. We wish no one, man nor demon, to have control of the portal keys and would request that you relinquish them. It is the Keeper’s destiny to protect the keys from both men and demons.”

The Slayer watched him close the pool door behind him. “Come on, we need to talk about this some more, but Buffy needs dry clothes first.”

Spike snickered. “That drown rat look really suits you Summers.”

“I’m not surprised you know all about rats. Tell me Spike, are they super yummy?”

Dawn watched Spike stop and raise his chin while Buffy stood with her hands on her hips. Here we go again and they think they’re not under a spell.

Spike’s eyes flashed yellow and he growled. “I’ve never eaten a rat in my entire undead life. Oh wait, you’re confusin’ me with your ex. He always knew a gourmet meal when he saw it twitch its whiskers.”

Buffy’s mouth tightened, anger glinting in her eyes. “You keep Angel out of our convo or you’ll go back to Sunnydale in a little brown bag.”

He circled her. “You started this convo as you so inelegantly called it.”

“Yeah, and I’ll end it, too.” She lifted her fists and matched him step for step.

Spike changed to game face. “Bitch.” he spat out.

“Bastard.” She retorted.

“Come on Slayer, let’s do this. Now.”

“Fine by me.”

“Okay, that’s enough!” Dawn moved between them. “This is exactly what I was talking about. It’s the spell doing this. You two have got to stop this right now, because it’s getting worse all the time. You sound like a couple of elementary school kids fighting out on the playground, but with way nastier vocabularies. That guy is right; we’ll never get the last key like this.”

She took them both by the hand and tugged. “Come on, we need to get back to the room and figure this out,” she said pleadingly.

Reluctantly, they both acquiesced and allowed her to pull them away from each other.



*****

“Oopsy.” Willow touched the hole in the wall. “I guess I missed a little.”

Xander put his hand on her shoulder. “I wouldn’t worry about it; it’s not a really big hole. Some more wallpaper slapped up there and you won’t even be able to see it.”

“Giles bought travel insurance and I would think errant knife throws would be covered.” Anya volunteered.

Willow picked up the knife from the floor where it lodged after falling from the living room wall. “I really need more practice.” She appealed to the other woman. “Do you really think holes are covered?”

“If not, we’ll just pay for the damages when we check out. Go ahead and practice.” Anya waived her hand airily. “It’s only drywall.”

“Drywall is cheaper to repair than plaster.” Xander added.

Buffy ignored the antics in the living room. “I’m going to change clothes. I’ll meet you in your room in a few minutes, Spike. We have to sort this out.” She turned to her sister. “See if you can get them interested in something other than destroying the room.”

Dawn nodded. “Hey, everybody, let’s watch a movie on the big screen.”

*****

“Come in, Summers.” Spike opened the door and gestured toward the bed. “There’s really no place else to sit. I guess nannies aren’t allowed much down time.”

”That’s alright, I don’t mind.” She sat gingerly on the edge. “Now, about this spell.”

“Yeah, I guess we better do somethin’ about it right away, if we ever want to have another civil conversation.”

“I don’t know exactly what to do.” She fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. “How do we stop all this arguing? It sorta takes on a life of its own.”

“I guess by doing the opposite, like that emissary said.” He leaned forward. “Move a little closer.”

Suddenly nervous, Buffy asked “Why? What are you going to do?” She looked suspicious. “This isn’t going to be some sort of warped vampire thing, is it?”

“No, it’s not ‘some vampire thing’. I’m goin’ to kiss you.” Spike looked disgusted at the thought.

“What?!” Buffy was definitely squicked. “Why?”

“I can’t think of anything that’s more the opposite of arguing than that, can you?”

“That’s true. Okay, so does it have to be on the lips?” She tried to suppress the automatic shudder that occurred. “What about one of those Hollywood air kisses? Do you think that might work?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. Believe me, Slayer, if you can come up with another plan...” Suddenly an idea struck. “Wait a minute. Let’s try a hug first and maybe that’ll be enough.” Maybe that will work. I certainly don’t want to kiss the bitch.

Buffy brightened. “Yeah. There’s nothing that feels less like hatred that a good ol’ hug. Way better than a kiss on actual lips.”

Spike gave her a cursory inspection. “You don’t have a stake in your pocket do you?”

“No, but get on with it, or that can be arranged.”

“Fine, let’s bloody do it.”

They both leaned forward and awkwardly hugged, each trying not to actually touch the other. It resembled two people hugging an invisible person between them.

Backing away quickly, Spike asked. “Well? How do you feel now?”

“Like I want to smack you for wasting my time.”

“Me, too.” Spike agreed mournfully. “It looks like only a kiss is goin’ to work in this case, but we can start out slow.” Got to suck it up and be a man.

Buffy sighed. “Starting out slow sounds really good.” She leaned forward and Spike quickly pecked her cheek. He tried to control the feeling of wanting to wipe his lips with soap and a washcloth.

Buffy wondered wildly if there were any alcohol wipes in the nanny’s bathroom and tried hard not to scrub her face with the back of her hand.

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Well? Feel any differently?”

“Uh, no. I still want to haul off and hit you really hard.”

He nodded. “Me, too. Except exchange the word “bite” for “hit.”

“You want to bite me?” She glared at him. “Than change "hit” to “stake.”

“We’re doin’ it again.” He shook his head. “This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

“It sure is.” She slumped. “I guess it has to be on the lips, huh?” Well, crap

“I don’t think we have any choice.” Bloody hell.

“Then let’s get this over with.” The bathroom better have a jumbo bottle of Listerine.

“Wait a minute, Slayer. Maybe that’s the problem.”

“Huh?”

“Maybe we’re going about this the wrong way. We aren’t givin’ the spell enough time to break.”

Thoughtfully, Buffy nodded. “That could be true.” She sucked it up. “Okay, this is the last try, so let’s do it right. I, for one, don’t want to ever do this again.”

“Right.” Spike reached for her. “Okay, we’re goin’ to kiss and hold it through a mental count of ten. Got it?”

She nodded firmly. “A count of ten. Got it.”

Spike moved closer. “I’m going to put my arms around you, too.”

She nodded. “If you can do that, so can I.” Scooting closer, she added. “Okay, I’m ready.”

“Me,too.” Spike grimaced and put his arms around Buffy. He pulled her tightly against his chest.

Reluctantly she reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Okay, let’s do this.”

“Right.” He carefully pressed his lips to hers and started a mental count. One, two, three… how much longer before I can stop?… four, five….. she’s so warm…six… why was I so mad at her?…seven……I’ve got Buffy in my arms at last… eight……she’s so soft, this feels wonderful……nine…… Buffy, Buffy, Buffy!…… the hell with it. He pulled her tighter and deepened the kiss.

Buffy began her count at the same time as Spike. One ,two,……this had better work or I swear I’ll stake him……three, four…… we’ve got to get that key……five… why was I mad exactly?…six, seven…wow, Spike’s a great kisser… eight……I’m finally kissing him- I’ve wanted to for awhile… nine…… Spike, Spike, Spike, Spike!! She felt him deepen the kiss and responded, moaning and running her hands through his hair.

Dawn pulled away from the closed door of the nanny’s room satisfied. Walking into the living room she looked at the group in front of the television screen. “So, what did I miss?”

Chapter 12- Once More Into the Breach

The bearded devil
is forced to dwell
in the only place
where they don’t sell
Burma-Shave


Buffy pulled away for a much needed breath. “I’d have to say the spell is broken, wouldn’t you?”

Spike pulled her back against him. “I think we need to make absolutely sure.”

“That’s a good idea. You never know when that pesky spell might start over.”

Their lips crashed together again.

****


The more Dawn surreptitiously watched the others while they watched the movie, the more she could see the spell work its effects on each of her friends. Anya had refused to watch the movie at all and was still deeply involved in on line shopping, her fingers moving furiously across the computer keyboard. Occasionally Dawn would hear her either cackle with glee or groan. It all depended, she supposed,on whether Anya got whatever she was trying to buy.

The teen cautiously watched Willow play with Buffy’s serrated training knife, flipping it end over end. During every slow portion of the movie she would throw the knife at the wall, retrieve it and then toss it again.

Tara had come out of her room and was nervously watching Willow. Not only did she watch her girlfriend with undisguised disgust, but she twitched, jumping at every loud noise in the movie. Tapping her fingers loudly on the coffee table, her eyes constantly shifted from one side to the other. Anya’s comment about Zoloft kept crossing Dawn’s mind. The blonde witch definitely needed something to calm her down; she was a hyper paranoid mess.

Xander had turned green and hurriedly waved it away when Dawn tried to pass the popcorn bowl to him and then almost threw up when someone passed a canned drink by him. Dawn wondered how long it had been since he’d last eaten or drank anything.

These guys are completely out of control. I’m glad Buffy and Spike are talking about what we’re going to be doing tomorrow night to fix this mess.

***

“When did you know that you wanted to kiss me?” Buffy looked at the vampire cuddled next to her on the bed. The spell had broken during the first round of kissing. Buffy figured they were up to round number ten or twelve by now. She’d totally lost count.

Spike shifted so he could see her face. “Hmm, I’m not sure, but at least since that mission to clean out the Draynoc nest.”

“Wow, that long? That’s been at least a month ago.”

“I remember watching you take on the male Draynoc and wondering what it would be like to kiss you.” He smiled softly at the woman cuddled into his side. “What about you?”

“I can’t pinpoint an exact time, but remember the other morning when I went to your room?” She waited until he nodded. “I had to run out because I couldn’t handle seeing you without your shirt on.” She blushed. “You have a seriously gorgeous body.”

He ran a finger down her cheek. “So do you, pet.”

“This is way better than I imagined it would be.”

The vampire nodded. “Definitely.” He laced his fingers with hers. Buffy looked at their interlocked hands and smiled.

Sighing, her face became serious.“Spike, what are we going to do about the gang? If we don’t hook those keys together, everyone will stay like they are and there’s just so much wrong with that thought, I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“Well, as much as I like the idea of never having Harris bothering me again, I think you’re going to have to blow off the Council. There isn’t any other choice.”

Buffy thought out loud. “The real reason the Council wanted the keys was so the demons couldn’t have them. If we hook them together and then hand them over to the Keeper, then the mission is still a success.” Buffy bit her lip. “I think I’ll see if I can talk Willow into researching whether that Keeper guy is who he says he is. If he is, then we’ll hand them over. No harm, no foul.”

“Sounds like a plan to me.” He pulled her closer. “Come on, luv, it’s really late and I think we could use some sleep. Tomorrow’s another day as they say.”

“Who’s the “they” that actually says that?”

“I have no earthly idea, it’s just an expression, pet.”

“Oh, ‘cause I’ve never heard anyone actually say it, until now. I figured it must be a vamp thing. Only I guess not, ‘cause they would probably say tomorrow’s another night.”

“Sweet dreams, Buffy.”

“Good night Spike.”



*****

“It took the entire morning and you don’t even want to know where I got this, but I was finally able to locate your information.” Willow pushed her chair back to let Buffy move closer. “Can I go now? I absolutely hate research.”

Buffy, her attention focused on the page, nodded. “Yeah, I promised.” She looked up briefly. “Willow? Try not to hit anybody.”

The red haired witch nodded. “No problemo, I’m actually starting to get the hang of this fighting stuff.” She pantomimed a ninja stance.

“Uh huh. Just be careful.”

Buffy motioned Spike and Dawn closer. “Look at this picture of the Keeper’s right hand man.”

Dawn became excited. “It’s definitely the same guy that we talked with, right down to the weird purple clothes.”

“Throughout recorded history, the Keeper has been responsible for the portal keys and the abyss.” Buffy continued to read out loud. “It says that the portal, Abaddon’s abyss, is actually a hell dimension that can only be found and opened using the portal keys we’ve been collecting. It also says that once the keys are activated by attaching them, the portal is open for four days. After that time the portal closes and the keys split apart and disappear for another four hundred years.”

She looked quizzically at the other two. “So why would the Council be worried about this so much? This is so a one time limited offer, like a grocery store coupon.”

Spike, who had been reading along with the Slayer, pointed to the screen. “There’s more here, pet. It also says that the portal works both ways. I bet the demons want to let something out, more than they would want to get stuck inside themselves.”

Dawn shifted. “If we attach the keys together to break the spell on everybody, something is going to come through the portal?”

Buffy shook her head. “Only if we request the portal to open. Otherwise the balls are hooked together but we’re not really using it to gain entry, sort of like putting a door key in the lock, but not turning it.”

“Yeah, that’s how I’m readin’ it, too.” Spike grimaced. “That’s the dangerous bit. Once they’re together anyone who gains control of the keys can easily open the portal. We need to make sure that as soon as we break the spell; we immediately give the keys to the Keeper.”

Dawn stared at the figure on horseback pictured on the screen. “So we’re definitely giving it to the Keeper?”

Buffy bit her lip. “I don’t see another way. The Council was definitely right about one thing. They’re going to be way more trouble once they’re put together.”

Dawn pointed at a line of text. “This says the Keeper is the only one that can control the portal keys once they’ve been strung together. He can keep whatever is on the other side from coming through accidentally.”

Buffy stood up and stretched. “We need to get everyone packed and ready to go. The manifestation is in a few hours.” She glanced over at the errant Scoobies. “This is gonna be a lot like herding cats.”

Chapter 13- What A Long Strange Trip It’s Been

Listen birds
these signs cost money
so roost awhile
but don’t get funny
Burma-Shave

Xander closed the hood. “Try it again, Spike.”

Spike turned the key. The engine sputtered and died again. “Nada. I think this is the end of the line.”

Xander nodded. “You were right, that mechanic didn’t completely repair the van.”

Buffy stood by the passenger door. “At least we’re only really fifty feet or so from where we needed to be, so it did get us here.” She leaned in the open window. “Come on everybody, this is it. We walk from here.”

“Buffy?”

“What is it Tara?” She watched the witch shift nervously, running her hand through her hair.

“I think I’d prefer to stay here with the van.”

Buffy spoke gently to the terrified woman. “I’m sorry, but we all need to stick together. It’s too dangerous for anyone to stay alone, especially out here in the dark.” She opened the door. “Come on, you can walk with me.”

Tara sighed. “Well, if you insist.”

Willow took Tara’s hand. “Don’t worry sweetie, I’ll protect us both.”

Tara pulled her hand away. “I’m sorry Willow, but without magic, I don’t think you can protect anyone.” She eyed the knife sticking out of Willow’s belt. “Especially with that.”

“I don’t want to do magic or even stupid research anymore. I like being All Action Willow way better.”

Tara shrugged and turned to follow Buffy.

Dawn grabbed her backpack and stepped out. “How much time do we have?”

Willow looked at the pendent. “Only about ten minutes and the key is over there somewhere.” She pointed across the boulder strewn field toward the tree line in the distance.

Spike quirked an eyebrow. “This one is on the ground, isn’t it Red?”

Willow nodded emphatically. “Oh yes, definitely a ground key.”

Spike took Buffy’s hand in his. She looked down at their entwined hands and smiled.

“Come on Slayer, let’s try to find that key and get this over with.”

“Buffy, look out!” Tara screamed.

Buffy dropped Spike’s hand and lifted her cross bow. A brown furry demon was running from the trees toward them. She sighted the bow.

“Slayer, two more at four o’clock.” Spike pulled out his sword and started running toward them.

Buffy shot her arrow and hit the demon in the stomach. It doubled over. More spilled out of the woods. “Xander, you and the others are going to have to hunt for the key. Spike and I will keep the demons busy. Take the long way around, try to avoid letting them see you.”

Xander nodded. He and Willow and Anya took off running toward the edge of the field.

Buffy shot a look at Dawn. “Dawn you and Tara stay behind me.” More and more demons continued to pour out of the woods onto the field. “Hide over here behind this boulder and stay quiet.”

Dawn pointed. “There’s the Keeper, Buffy. He kept his word.”

Buffy beheld the man, astride a white horse just as in the picture, appear from the opposite direction He was shouting orders to a troop of men also on horseback. She recognized his second in command as the emissary that had visited them yesterday. The men fanned out and started challenging the demons, using swords and long bows.

Buffy notched another arrow and shot it at a flying Dogenne swooping toward the Scoobies. It dropped heavily from the sky as the trio dove into the woods.

She looked around for Spike. Using his sword, he was cutting a swath through the demons. Buffy turned to the two women behind the boulder. “Dawn, you and Tara have the most important job. You’ve got the rest of the portal keys. You have to hang on to them, no matter what else happens. Don’t move from this spot and someone will bring the last key back to you soon.”

The Slayer left to join the fight.

***

“I’ve got it.” Anya called to the other two searching around her.

Xander hurried over to her. “We’ve got to get this back to Buffy right away.” They started working their way back though the heavy underbrush. A few moments later they heard something crashing around in the trees in front of them.

Anya dropped the key in her pocket and whispered. “Now what? We can’t go in that direction, the main battle is over there and this way leads deeper into the woods.”

Willow pulled out her knife. “We continue toward Buffy.” She started forward. “Come on, I didn’t spend the last twenty four hours practicing with this knife for nothing.”

Xander grabbed Anya’s hand. “We don’t have a choice. This won’t end until Buffy gets the key.”

Anya muttered. “I wish I’d had that Samurai sword overnighted.” She looked at the other two. “Okay, let’s go.” They started moving cautiously toward the noise.

A Candlerisse demon came charging out of the dense underbrush, waving its claws. Willow lifted her knife, took aim, and threw it. It lodged in the demon’s chest. She watched it pitch forward into the dirt. It shuddered once and grew still.

“Yay me!! I did it!!” All Action Willow ran over and pulled her knife out of the thick fur. “Come on, we’ve got to keep moving.”

The trio managed to circumvent the most ferocious fighting and cautiously worked their way back around the perimeter, finally making it back to the boulder where Dawn and Tara were waiting.

Dawn opened her backpack and pulled out the box of portal keys. She opened it and started lining them up in the dirt. Xander looked at the little balls. “Do we have any idea at all how they fit together?”

Dawn shook her head. “Not a clue. We’ll just have to keep trying until they all stick together.” She picked up the one in front of her. “Everyone take one of them and start trying to hook yours to another one.”

***

Dropping the bow on the ground in favor of her sword, Buffy worked her way into the thickest fighting. She occasionally caught a glimpse of Spike’s hair to the left of her and then a large demon or other fighter would cross her sight line and he’d be hidden again.

Buffy raised her arm to thrust her sword into an eight foot tall yellow demon when it suddenly fell sideways, landing dead at her feet. She looked up and her eyes met those of the Keeper. He nodded at her and raised his sword. She smiled and raised hers in turn. Spurring his horse, he turned into the midst of the fray. Buffy headed for the spot where she’d last seen Spike.

Breaking through a crowd of wolf looking demons, she found Spike. In game face and grinning broadly, the vampire had taken on three sword wielding demons all at once.

“Is this a private slaughter, or can anyone join?”

“”Lo pet. I guess you can have one if you’d like.” He parried and danced away.

The Slayer moved within range and engaged one of the demons. “We need to get back to Dawn.” She gracefully blocked the demons’ thrust.

Spike beheaded one of the demons and turned to another. “I heard Harris and the birds get the last key.”

Buffy turned quickly, parried again and forced the demon backward. It lost its footing and she easily went in for the kill, slicing upward and cutting it nearly in two.

Turning back around, she watched Spike drop the third demon with a slash to its chest. He stepped over it to get to Buffy’s side. “Let’s go pet; I think they’re on the run anyway.”

Hurrying back to the boulder, they found the others had managed to attach almost all the portal keys together. Buffy looked around for the Keeper. “Don’t attach the last ball until we can be sure he’s close enough to give it to him right away.”

Shading her eyes from the dust swirling around, she finally saw the white horse at the edge of the fight. Most of the demons were running away or were lying dead around the field. Buffy raised her sword and swung it back and forth above her head.

The Keeper caught sight of the Slayer and reined in his horse. He and his emissary started galloping toward them.

Buffy turned back to the group. “Okay, finish hooking them together.”

Dawn nodded and attached the last one, forming a circle. The keys glowed and grew dull again. Buffy watched as her friends shook their heads and sat down. They all looked a little dazed and confused.

She looked over at Spike and Dawn. They were both watching the others and grinning.

A huge fireball suddenly flew past their heads, landing in the dirt several feet away.

Spike dove behind the boulder, pulling Dawn down with him. “What the bloody hell was that?” He asked when Buffy dropped down beside him.

“I have no idea.” Warily she peered around the boulder and her eyes widened. The Keeper and his emissary were turning toward the source of the fireballs. It was some type of fire shooting flying demon. Almost like a… “Dragon. There’s an actual fire-breathing dragon looking thing out there.”

She crouched behind the boulder as another fireball flew past. Shaking her head, she said, “See? This is why you can’t trust the internet. Somehow it was allowed through the portal without us saying anything at all.”

She turned to the witches. “I know you guys probably don’t feel too well, but we could sure use a barrier spell about now.” She grabbed the portal keys. “I’ve got to get this to the Keeper as fast as possible. The rest of you stay here.”

Spike laid a restraining hand on her arm. “Are you sure, Slayer? That thing will toast you in a heartbeat.”

“No choice. The Keeper’s the only one that can force it back through the portal. Will, about that barrier?”

Willow nodded grimly. “Give us a couple minutes, we’ll get it up. I don’t know how long it will hold, we’re both pretty worn out.” Linking her hand with Tara’s, they began chanting.

“Hopefully it won’t need to be up too long.” Buffy looked at Spike. “Protect them, no matter what happens.”

He nodded. “Watch your back, Slayer.”

Buffy watched another fireball fly past. “It’s not my back I’m worried about.” Slipping out cautiously, she started slowly walking toward the Keeper. His men had stopped fighting the demons, the last of which had quickly disappeared when the dragon had shown up, and had now joined their leader, warily watching the demon flying in slow circles above the field.

Buffy managed to get within a few feet of the outer ring of men when she saw one of the fireballs head straight for the boulder where the others were hidden.

“Oh God, no.” She prayed that the witches had managed to erect the barrier in time. Holding her breath, she watched the fireball descend from the sky, strike the unseen barrier and then literally bounce, landing on top of the Council’s van. It was quickly enveloped it in flames.

Spike watched the fireball rebound and drop on the van. Glancing quickly at Harris, he grimaced. Bloody hell.

Xander had followed the fireball’s trajectory, too. His mouth dropped open and he looked at Spike, eyes wide. Uh oh.

Suddenly there was a rumbling noise coupled with a distinct POP! Buffy winced and clapped both hands over her ears. This was followed by several large individual explosions that rocked the van, blowing out all the windows and laying open the roof like a cheap tin of sardines.

The slayer watched open mouthed as colored balls of every description shot high up into the air, flashing bright primary colors against the backdrop of the night sky, changing it from solid black to a veritable garden of wildly erratic blooming flowers.

The balls were partnered with whistling bottle rockets propelled by an invisible, seemingly drunken hand that aimed in every possible direction both in the air and sideways along the ground.

Boxes of whizzing sparklers shot out, accompanied by spinning colored discs that discharged sparks as they careened wildly across the ground. Loud explosions continued to rock the van; shooting pieces of melted plastic and sizzling metal every where. The stench of smoke and debris fanned out from the van, filling the air.

It was a surrealistic Fourth of July celebration melded with Guy Fawkes and Chinese New Year, all rolled into one spectacular kaleidoscopic insanity. Buffy suddenly felt the irrational urge to dig up marshmallows.

Still clutching the portal keys, the Slayer shook her head to clear the flashes from her eyes and searched for the dragon. Startled and afraid to fly in the sudden insanity loosed into its sky, the dragon had landed far away and was even now standing stock still, staring at the incredible noise and fire. Taking the opportunity presented, she ran to the Keeper and held the portal keys up to him.

The Keeper, an amused look on his face, watched the spectacle. Pulling his eyes away, he looked down to Buffy. Leaning down from his horse, he took the keys from her outstretched hand. Quirking his lips, he winked at her. Muttering something quietly to himself, he held the portal keys high above his head.

Buffy watched a green portal appear on the other side of the field, next to the stupefied dragon. The dragon roared, struggled briefly and disappeared, sucked into a portal that quickly closed around it.

The Slayer looked up at the Keeper again. He nodded once and turned his horse. Opening another portal, this one blue in color, he and his men rode into it and disappeared. The portal closed quietly behind them.

Walking back across the field, Buffy joined her shaken friends emerging from behind the boulder. Cringing as the van continued to explode; they stood and gawked at the damage.

Spike walked up. “You probably noticed that Harris and I bought a few things at one of the stops.” When she didn’t respond, he clasped her hand in his and added, “Guess this means the Council won’t be getting their damage deposit back.”

Buffy looked at him and then back at the van and started giggling helplessly. Soon everyone was laughing along with her.

Wiping his eyes, Spike said, “We’re going to have to hoof it, pet, before the sun comes up.”

Buffy nodded weakly and started across the field toward the road. “We need to get to the next town and a phone. I’m going to have to call Giles and try to explain all of this. He’ll have to call the Council and let them know they don’t get the portal keys after all.”

“I suppose this means I won’t get paid the dosh that’s comin’ to me.”

“I wouldn’t hold my breath.”

“Not really a problem, Slayer.”

Xander and Anya fell in step behind the couple. “As soon as we can find a diner, I want to stop.” Xander patted his empty stomach. “I haven’t eaten anything in so long my stomach thinks my mouth must be taped shut.”

Spike smirked. “Now there’s an idea I can get behind.”

Anya shook her head. “Sorry Xander, all we have left are our airline tickets. We don’t have any money. I spent it all. I don’t even have any receipts; they burned up with the van. Giles is going to kill me.” Thoughtfully, she asked, “Does anyone know if Giles ever liked Joanie Loves Chachi?”

Xander moaned. “An, I’m totally hollow, I’m actually starving to death.”

She dug in her purse and pulled out a small striped box. “Here Xander, this is it until we get back to Sunnydale.”

He opened the box. “Awesome! It’s a Claxton fruit cake.” He happily crammed a chunk in his mouth.

Tara smiled at her girlfriend. “I’m so glad that spell is over. This has to be the worse road trip I’ve ever taken in my entire life and that includes the time my brother got the measles in North Dakota and I broke my arm in South Dakota.” She held Willow’s hand tighter. “But at least everyone’s all right now.”

Willow grimaced. “I threw away all my books and five of them were from the library.” She turned a worried face to the others. “Do you think they’ll revoke my card?”

“I so have the best story when everyone asks what I did during spring break. This was way better than going to Cancun, like Janice did.” Dawn smiled happily. “I’ve even still got all forty- one of my bells.” She touched her backpack and everyone heard the bells inside tinkle gaily.

Spike glanced over at Buffy. “I hear a truck comin’ down the road. Do you want me to try to get us a ride?”

“Yes, please. These boots were made for walking, but not all the way to the next town.”

Spike took off running toward the road. Flagging down the farmer driving by in an ancient flat bed truck, he called to the others.

Everyone ran up and climbed in, settling down on several clean bales of hay. The truck cranked up again, rolling slowly down the road toward the small town a few miles away.

Lulled by the rocking of the old truck and leaning contentedly against Spike’s arm, Buffy could hear the vampire singing something in a nice baritone voice softly to himself.

She touched his arm. He searched her face, one eyebrow raised. “What is it, pet?”

“That song sounds really familiar. What are you singing?”

Eyes twinkling, Spike sang the verse louder.

Buffy chuckled.

Xander heard Spike and looked over. He grinned and starting singing the old song along with him. Anya smiled at her boyfriend, adding her voice on the next verse.

Slowing bouncing down the two lane gravel road, everyone else joined in and sang the chorus together.

Sometimes the lights all shinin’ on me
Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurs to me
what a long strange trip its been.


The End.