"Buffy, you're going to love Sunnydale." Came the voice from the front of the car. Buffy looked away from the window, towards the voice of her aunt. She wasn't really her aunt, but Jenny was the closest thing to one she had. Jenny was her mother's step sister, but she was more like a second mother to Buffy, when her father had left Joyce years before. But Buffy was eighteen now, and it had been nearly five years since she had seen Jenny. Buffy slumped back in the seat and closed her eyes, trying not to think of the reason she was here, miles away from her home. *Mommy.* The word popped unbidden in her mind and she fought off the tears she knew were coming. 'Think of something else, anything else. Anything but her.' She pushed the memory of her mother lying cold on the couch, staring at the ceiling with unseeing eyes, to the back of her mind and tried to focus on what Jenny's husband was saying. Jenny had met Rupert Giles at the local high school, where she was a computer teacher and he was hired as the new librarian. Buffy could still remember the day she called saying she was to be married. They didn't get to attend the wedding, but Jenny had sent pictures. She recalled how her mother cried when she looked at the photo's of the couple, and how she pointed out a small boy with unruly brown curls, hiding behind a pair of glasses, saying that he looked like his father. William. She thought that was his name, she really couldn't remember, but she thought he might be a few years older than her. 'I wonder where he is now? Probably sitting in a library somewhere, with his coke bottle specs.' That thought brought a small giggle to her lips, the first one in a while. She looked up when she felt the car slow down and looked up at the house they were drving up too. Bigger than the one she shared with her mother, but nothing like her father's new house. The thought of her father brought a sour look to her face. He hadn't even bothered to go to the funeral, and didn't even want to think of Buffy staying with him. 'You're eighteen now, Buffy. Don't you want to get out, start your own life?' She had wanted to scream at him "I just lost my mother! The only thing I had, because God knows I don't have a father! And you're pushing me away?" But she didn't, she just turned and walked away, not even giving her father a second thought and ignoring his words. Jenny was the only place she could turn and she had excepted Buffy with open arms. Giles brought the car to a stop, turned around and gave her a gentle smile, "Here we are, Buffy." She opened the door and stepped out onto the driveway, she could hear Giles and Jenny at the back of the car unloading her suitcases. She stood there, looking at the house, what she was supposed to call her home, and knew she had never been so lost in her life.

Buffy jumped as the door to her room flew open and Giles stumbled in with the last of her bags. He set them down near the bed, and dabbed his forehead with a hankerchif as he tried to catch his breath.

"There you are, Buffy. I hope that's the last of them." He said, as he looked out at the stairs with trepidation. Buffy smiled at the look on his face.

"Yeah, that's the last. Thank you for bringing them up for me." She said as she looked at the suitcases scattered across the floor.

"You're quite welcome, my dear." Giles sucked in a breath as he pondered his next words, "Buffy, I just want to tell you that we're here for you." At the mention of her situation, Buffy looked up at the ceiling, trying to hide her emotions. "I don't know first hand what you're going through, but I have lost someone before. Someone who- Someone who should still be here." Buffy looked up sharply as Giles said this, his voice overcome with emotion, the grief laced with anger.

She was shocked to see the hatred on his normaly kind face, and was almost tempted to take a step back. Then suddenly, almost as if he were waking up, he shook his head and looked up at her with dull, hollow eyes.

"Jenny is fixing dinner right now, it will be a while, but it might give you time to get settled." And with that he walked away, softly closing the door behind him.

Buffy sat down on the bed and tried to figure out what just happened. Jenny had told her mother that Giles' first wife had passed away, but she had thought it was of natural causes. But the look on his face, the raw pain and anger, had her thinking that maybe there was more to it.

As she was sitting there, trying to remember anything Jenny might have said about the woman, the front door flew open and was slammed so hard that her door rattled on it's hinges. Thundering footsteps up the stairs and then the door across the hall was given the same treatment as the front. She sat there wide eyed, and was contemplating seeing what the ruckus was, when music was blared so loud she had to cover her ears. She dimly heard someone beating on the door and then the music was lowered a pitch or two.

When Buffy opened her door and peered in the hall, she was met by Giles, who was staring at the door with a weary look on his face.

"What was that?"

Giles turned to face her then, spit out two curt words, and headed down the stairs, leaving Buffy staring at the closed door shaking with the sounds of The Sex Pistols.

"William's home."

Buffy was still standing at the top of the stairs when Jenny called for dinner. She crossed the hall to the bathroom, turned on the water and washed her hands. She looked up into the mirror as she was rinsing her hands and frowned at her reflection. She didn't know the girl staring back at her, she didn't recognize the dark circles under her eyes, or the sparce face that was once beautifully made up. She splashed the mirror with water, and idly thought that the distorted image looked more familiar.

The music was still at full blast when she passed by the closed door and made her way down the stairs, passing Giles at the bottom, making his way up. She walked into the dining room where Jenny was placing food on the table.

"Is there anything I can help with?" Buffy asked as she tried to push away memories of asking her mother the same question.

"No, baby girl, I've got it. But thank you." Jenny gave her a tender smile as she headed back to the kitchen. "You just sit down, the boys will come in a minute."

Boys. Giles and William. The little boy with a mop top of curls, bow tie, and coke bottle glasses? He didn't seem like the type to listen to Anarchy in the U.K. But the bleached Adonis that just glided into the room definitely did.

Buffy sat with an open mouth as she took in the sight before her, who was this and where did they bury William? Where was the bow tie and huge glasses? The creature walking silkily to the chair across from her was breathtaking. Cheekbones that begged for kisses, eyes so blue they were almost violet, and touseled bleached curls made for one fine package.

He hadn't even looked up as he entered the room, as he was so intent on ignoring the world around him. But when he finally looked up and saw the petite blonde sitting at the table, he stopped in his tracks. Buffy locked eyes with him, and dragged in a rough breath at what she saw. But sut as soon as she saw it, he closed his eyes and when he opened them, she looked into ice.

He jerked his chair out from under the table and plopped down in his seat. Buffy saw the look Giles was giving him, livid that he hadn't breathed a word to the new addition in the house.

"William, don't you know how to introduce yourself?" Giles bit out through tight lips. Jenny took her place beside him and laid a comforting hand on his arm. Giles seemed to calm a bit at her touch, but never let his gaze fall from his son.

Finally blue eyes snapped up to her face, "The name is Spike." He said with a forceful ring, and looked over to his father as he said his nick name, clearly annoyed with the use of his christian name.

"I'm Buffy." She finally managed to squeak out, putting an end to the stare down between the men. Spike let out a snort at that, and she could hear him repeat the name to himself as he let out a snarky chuckle. Buffy bristled at this, ready to ask him how Spike was so much better, when she heard Giles let out a ragged sigh. Glancing at the older man she could she the apology on his face, and decided to let it slide, she was a guest after all.

Dinner managed to go on without anymore explosions, but also without any conversation. Giles seemed to be miles away, Jenny stared at him between the occasional bite, and Spike was intent on driving them mad by scraping his fork across his plate. As much as she tried not to, she couldn't help thinking of Her. Dinner with her, talking to her, sharing a pint of Cherry Garcia while watching Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, remembering what she said everytime they watched it, "Paul Newman is so handsome, you know when I first met your father, that's what he looked like." The dreamy smile that turned wistful and bitter at the thought of her ex-husband.

She could feel the tears coming, so she closed her eyes and tried to stop them. Her throat burned and ached, and the tears escaped despite her efforts. She pushed away from the table catching everyone's attention, and when she looked at Spike, she saw it again, that look in his eyes, the one she knew, the one she felt everyday.

Sorrow.

Buffy rolled over, snuggled down into her blankets, and smiled to herself. In those first blissful moments between sleep and awake, everything was perfect. Her dad is sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper, while her mother scrambles eggs at the stove.

But the slamming of the door across the hall shattered the illusion and the memories come rushing back. The couch, the coroner, and the graveyard are all swarming in her mind, reminding her that she's alone. No mom with breakfast waiting for her, and no dad waiting for his kiss before she goes off to school.

She opened puffy eyes to stare at the room, her new room. Who is she kidding? This isn't her room, her room is in San Francisco, in a house she shared with her mother, the house where her mother took her last breath and left her alone.

She must be out of tears now, because none come, only an angry, bitter taste in her mouth. She got up and walked to the window, looking at the neighborhood around her. Full of life, and when they smile at each other it's genuine, not just going through the motions. They have a reason to get up and start their day, they have someone to come home to. And she hates them. She hates them because they have what she wants. She envies them, hoping they realize what they have before it's ripped away from them.

She turned away from the window and made her way across the hall to the bathroom. When she opened the door she was assualted by a rush of steam, and swiped at the air trying to see, and what she saw had her mouth on the floor.

"Bloody Hell, don't you knock?!" Came the reply from Spike, standing there clad in nothing but a towel.

"I'm sor- sorry, the door wasn't locked." Came the meek reply from Buffy as the tears from the morning finally fell.

Spike whirled around ready to unload on her, when he caught sight of her tears. The hateful remark never left his lips and an unreadable expression came to his face. He looked at the tiny girl crying in front of him and felt something twist in his heart. "Its- it's alright, forget about it. I was done anyway." And with that, he stalked past her and shut the door behind him. The trek to his room was stopped by the sound of her sobs, and he turned and looked at the closed door. He took a step toward it, froze, and shook his head, cursing himself as he walked back to his room, slamming the door behind him. Seconds later The Ramones blasted through the speakers.

Buffy slid to the floor, and let the sobs razor through her. Thinking if she had only got home sooner, if she hadn't stopped to talk to Riley, she would have saved her. The words instant death didn't matter to her, they meant nothing. Because no matter what they said, if she had been there, she would have helped her and she would still be here today. She wouldn't be living in a house with people she hardly knew, she would be home with her.

It was her own fault.

That was the constant chant in her mind as she got in the shower, soaping her body until the bar of soap was indented by her fingers. She dropped the soap and grabbed a wash cloth, scrubbing her body until it was raw and burning, tears falling the entire time.

She didn't know she had fallen to the floor, didn't feel the icy water pouring down on her, and she just dimly heard the door bust in. And when the shower curtain was ripped open, she didn't recognize the man standing there, the one moving his lips, because no words were coming out, all she could hear was sirens.

"Bloody hell, girl." Was all Spike could say as he turned off the freezing water, he looked down at the small girl huddled in the tub, and grabbed a towel to cover her naked flesh. When she was covered he picked her up out of the tub and sucked in a breath when her cold body pressed into him. She was like a block of ice, and his own teeth were close to chattering as he walked into her room.

He pulled the covers down and laid her on the bed, trying to keep her covered and dry her at the same time. Tears were still flowing from her eyes, but she was silent and unmoving, almost as if she were in a trance.

When he finally got the water off of her, he pulled the covers up to her chin and sat on the bed next to her. "Buffy." He said her name low, almost a whisper. "Buffy, love, come on." He stroked her cheek this time and tried to dry some of her tears. "Buffy." He said it louder this time and gently shook her.

Her eyes snapped closed, and when she opened them opened them, the soft green was drowned in tears. The sobs started anew, and she grasped his thigh, desperate for something to hang on to. He akwardly pulled her up against his chest, and held her as she wept.

He didn't say anything to her, he really didn't know what to say, so he just rubbed soothing circles on her back until the sobs dissolved into sniffles. When she pulled away from his chest, she averted her eyes, and shakily brought a hand to her face to dry her tears. Spike reached to the table and came back with a wad of tissues.

"Here, pet." He said softly.

"Thanks." She giggled to herself at the amount of tissues, and looked up at him when she spoke. There it was, that look. The one he gave her when he thought she wouldn't know. The softness in his eyes and touch, was not the punk she met last night at dinner. This must be William, sweet and humble, almost as if he knew what she was feeling.

"You're welcome." They sat there a moment, just silently enoying the others company, when Spike reached over and took her hand. She looked in his eyes and saw a sadness there, one so hard and deep that it could rival her own.

"Buffy, I- I understa-"

Suddenly the door burst open and Giles and Jenny ran in, looking around until they spotted the couple on the bed. Buffy was startled when the hand she was holding jerked away so hard it pulled her forward. She looked up at Spike, and gasped at the look in his eyes. Ice, where just moments before they were warm, sympathetic, and understanding.

"What happened? We heard banging and yelling, is everything alright?" Giles took a step toward the bed, and Spike was off and out the door in flash. The door to his room was slammed and the music on higher than ever before.

Buffy saw the look that passed over Giles face before he turned his attention back to her.

"Yeah, everything is okay now."

Jenny sat down on the bed and let some tears of her own fall, "Honey, I know it's hard, but it will get easier." She enveloped Buffy in a hug, and rocked her gently. Buffy looked at Giles standing by the foot of her bed, and watched as he turned his head towards Spike's room, a lone tear falling down his cheek.

The next few weeks past with Buffy hardly ever seeing Spike.

He was in and out at all hours, and the few times that she did see him he hardly even acknowledged her. So she spent her time registering for school and trying to squeeze college money out of her father. He finally broke down and offered to pay for all of it just to get her to leave him alone. She should have been happy to get the cheapskate to finally do something for his only child, but a part of her just wanted to burn the money. Her mother worked her fingers off, and scrimped and saved to get them what little bit of things they had, while her father lived the high life.

Now that her schooling was taken care of and she was waiting for it to begin, she had nothing to do. She usually just stayed in her room, and occassionally joined Jenny on a trip to the grocery store.

But she mainly stayed upstairs thinking of her mother, and oddly enough, Spike.

She found out that he was twenty years old, and attended UC Sunnydale. She had tried to pry more information out of Jenny, but something always came up and left her questions unanswered.

Since it was summer, Giles was always home, but he stayed in his study. Buffy was beginning to think she had actually seen more of Spike, than of his father.

~~~

Buffy stood beside Jenny and accepted the plate she handed her to dry. "Jenny?"

"Yes, Buffy?" Another plate.

"What happened to Spike's mother?" The dull thud of the pan hitting the sink as Jenny dropped it, almost made Buffy loose hold on her plate as well.

"Why? What do you mean?" She asked as she picked up the pan and began to scrub it.

Buffy looked at the plate she was drying, "Nothing, I just was curious." She looked over at her aunt, who was staring out the window.

Jenny looked over at Buffy before turning to look at the closed door of Giles' study, "She's dead, she died when he was 13."

"Oh, is that why they moved here from England?" Buffy asked as she reached for another plate.

"No. Rupert was in New York then." Buffy looked confused by this, she thought she heard Spike say he moved straight to Sunnydale from England.

"But, I thou-" Buffy's question was cut short, when Jenny turned to face her.

"They weren't together when she was- when she died." Jenny finished with another glance at the study. She finished rinsing the final dish and sat it on the strainer. "I've got some laundry to do." And with that she was gone.

Buffy thought about what Jenny said while she put away the remaining dish. When she was what?

~~~~~~


Spike winced as he sat on the rough bench, pulling a battered notebook out of one pocket of his duster and a bottle of whiskey out of the other. He flipped the book open and scanned for a blank page, he passed his other entries, feeling his heart get heavier with everyone. This was the only time he allowed himself to think about her, the only time he talked to her.

So he pulled the cap off his whiskey, took a long drink, and started writing.

*Hello mum....*

The front door slammed open and bounced against the wall, and Buffy knew without a doubt that Spike was home. She had grown used to sleeping right through his entrances, but tonight she had been plagued with dreams of her mother, and was perfectly willing to stay up all night to keep from having another.

She expected to hear his boots stomping up the stairs, but all she heard was a loud thump, followed by an explosion of giggles. It was after one, and she knew that both Giles and Jenny were out like lights. She got up, opened her door and peered to the bottom of the steps. What she saw had her flying down the stairs two at a time. Spike lay at the bottom, sprawled out in the foyer, half of his body in the house and the other on the porch.

By the time she reached the halfway mark, she could smell the alcohol waifting off him. She crouched down beside him and tried to roll him over.

"Spike, are you alright?" His eyes were closed and his face wet with tears. Her question started a wave of new giggles.

"No, pet, I am most ceeertainly nooot." He slurred out while reaching a shaky hand up to play with the hair hanging near his face. "I haven't been in a long time." He looked at her then, and must have realized what was happening. He turned his face away and started scrubbing at it, trying to wipe away all traces of his tears. He tried to pull himself up, only to fall right back down, smaking the floor with his head.

"Here, let me help you." Buffy said as she grabbed his arm trying to pull him up, but he jerked his arm away so suddenly that Buffy fell on top of him. She laid there, sprawled on top of him, and looked down into the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. He looked back at her and the tears began to flow. Buffy wasn't sure what to do, until she felt his arms encircle her back. He pulled her down and buried his face in her hair, sobbing. Since Buffy couldn't put her arms around him, she stroked his arm with one hand and his hair with the other. The pain coming from him was so strong that Buffy began to cry herself, and she was suprised to find that the tears were flowing not from the thought her mother, but the thought of Spike's. She didn't know what happened to the woman, but now she was more determined than ever to find out.

She knew that Spike and Giles didn't get along, in fact half of Sunnydale knew it. She also knew that Spike and Jenny hardly ever spoke. But she could see that both Giles and Jenny loved him, and tried to have something to do with him, but he wouldn't have it. She didn't think he had anything to do with anybody. No one ever called the house for him, and he never brought anyone home. She was beginning to wonder if he had any friends at all.

Spike's sobs were growing louder and Buffy knew that Giles would surely wake up soon. She tried to pull up, but Spike latched onto her tighter than ever.

"Spike, we have to get up." His grip loosened a bit and Buffy pulled back to look at his face, his eyes were wide and he was shaking his head no, "Yes, come on. We have to get upstairs before your dad wakes up."

At the mention Giles, his face instantly hardened and he began pushing her off of him. She clambored to her feet and offered him her hand, which he refused. He got up on shaky legs and stumbled past her to grab onto the railings of the stairs. He began to climb, tripping on one step, and skipping another. Buffy stayed behind him with one hand on the rail, and the other straight out in front of her, pushing him back upright when he toppled backwards. They finally reached the landing and Buffy moved in front of him, keeping one hand on his arm and the other pushing open his door. She was fairly surprised at how clean the room was, and helped him over to a perfectly made bed. She let go off him to pull the covers down, and instantly regretted it when he fell into his desk. She finally got him onto the bed, pulling his shoes off, and dragging him out of the duster. She was give out now, because Spike had been no help at all, and was ready to fall into bed, nightmares be damned.

She thought it was pretty odd that they had never even had a conversation, but they had both put the other to bed, and he had even seen her naked.

She pulled the covers up to his chin, and let out a yelp when two strong arms emerged, and jerked her down onto the bed, wrapping themselves around her. She layed there in astonishment while Spike buried his face in her hair, and started mumbling nonsense.

She thought he was asleep, so she began untangling him from around her so she could go to her own bed. She was halfway off the bed when he said her name, and she turned to see watery blue eyes staring at her.

"Buffy." It was slurred and heavy with drunk, but it sent shivers down her spine.

"What?" She laid back down and looked at his drooping eyelids.

"Don't leave me." The last parted faded into nothing, as his arms tightened around her and he fell into a deep sleep.

She placed her arm over his and laced their fingers, closing her eyes to the feeling of his warm breath on her neck.

"I won't."

When Buffy woke up the next day, she was alone.

She sat up and looked around the room, looking for any sign of where Spike might be. She walked down the stairs listening for him, and was surprised to find that Giles and Jenny were gone as well.

She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bagel from the bag, not even bothering to toast it before wolfing it down. She made her way back to her room and grabbed clothes to change into after a shower. She couldn't get her mind off Spike, the way he was acting, begging her not to leave him, and then disappearing the next morning. Instead of angering her, it simply made her want to figure him out more. She hardly knew anything about him, beside the fact he was gorgeous.

Something had happened to him, something horrible, and she just didn't understand. Sure, she held a grudge against her father for the things he did to her mother, but he was still her father. And as much as she didn't want to, she loved him. But the way Spike looked at Giles, was something she couldn't even begin to comprehend. Raw pain and anguish, that was swallowed by a seething anger. She had tried to ask Jenny again what happened to his mother, but Giles had walked in and had put an end to it.

Buffy also knew that Giles was affected by it as well. But the look that Giles gave was filled with a sense of failure, and self loathing. She had watched him stare longingly at Spike before, and had saw tears well up in his eyes more than once.

She knew that he loved Jenny, but it seemed to be restricted, like he was afraid to give her reign to his feelings. And even though a part of him is distant, the other clings to her, follows her around and watches her every move.

Buffy's mind was so lost in the Giles family, that when her mind cleared she was standing in front of the sink, with her tooth brush in her mouth.

When she finished her morning routine, she headed toward the couch, and plopped down and began channel surfing. Nothing was on so she left the channel on a morning talk show, and let her mind wonder to her drunken, bleached housemate. She was so wrapped up in thoughts about him that when he laid a hand on her shoulder, she screamed bloody murder and fell off of the couch.

Spike stood there mouth agape, arm still extended, looking at the panting blonde at his feet. "I'm sorry. I thought you heard me come in."

Buffy excepted his hand and let him pull her to her feet, one hand still cluthing her chest. "No, it's okay, I just- God." She fell back on the couch and let out a small laugh, trying to calm down. Spike took a seat next to her and just stared at her. Her face was red and her hair was wild from where she ran a shaking hand through it, but she still looked glorious. He tore his eyes away and looked at the tv. "So, what are we watching, pet?"

"Nothing. Nothing is on, so I just left it here." She said looking at the people laughing and chatting, while drinking coffee.

"Well, it's bloody stupid. Hand me the remote." He reached his hand toward her, and Buffy handed it over with a small chuckle. He kept flipping channels until he came to a soccer game, and then threw the remote on the table. "Well, it's not Manchester United, but it's football." He looked at her, and was surprised to see her staring back at him.

"You don't look like a sports fan." She was delighted to see dimples indent his cheeks when he smiled and shook his head.

"Yeah, well looks can be decieving, love." He said the last part with a playful sneer, which made her giggle.

She looked back at Spike, who was avidly watching the television, and thought back to last night. This Spike was definitely not the same one who clung to her for dear life, while emptying his soul with tears. This Spike was confident and cocky, where last night he was frightened and vulnerable.They sat there distractedly watching the tv, trying not to stare at each other, when Buffy finally worked up the nerve to ask him about the night before.

"Spike?" His head swiveled toward her but his eyes never left the game.

"Yeah, pet?"

Buffy began picking at the hem of her shorts, "What happened last night?" Spike's eyes snapped to her face then, and she could see the embarassment in them, before he looked back at the tv.

He cleared his throat, "Uh, yeah, about that. I'm, uh, I'm sorry. Won't happen again." She could tell she was losing him when he started fidgeting and looking around the room.

"Is there something you need to talk about? Something to get off your mind? Because, I kno-" Buffy's speech was cut short when hard blue eyes turned on her.

"No." He looked in her eyes as he spoke the lone word, and Buffy knew why Giles and Jenny left him alone. It sent shivers down her spine, and goosebumps appeared on her arms. But there was something there, something buried behind the anger that belied his words.

"Spike, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes people need to talk, get things out in the open, before it drives them crazy."

"Yeah, like how you talk about it? I haven't seen you go anywhere, or talk to anyone since you got here!" He looked at her as he said this, his voice rising with every word.

Buffy jumped to her feet, staring down at him, "And how would you know what I've done? I haven't seen you three times in the last two months!" She was panting now and her face was flushed, anger radiating of her shaking body.

Spike jumped to his feet, causing her to step back as he stalked toward her. "That's because I have a life. I have better things to do than sitting around, thinking about my dead mother!"

She sucked in a breath at his words. They slammed into her, breaking another piece of her heart she couldn't afford to lose. Tears streamed down her face, wetting the look of disgust that crossed it.

His eyes melted at her tears, and he reached a hand toward her. "Pet, I'm sorr-"

She stepped back away from his hand, "You son of a bitch. You know what I'm going through." His eyes narrowed as she said this, and turned cold. "Yeah, Spike. I know about your mother."

His whole body was bristled, and his eyes were cold and narrowed, but she could see tears welling up. Before she even knew he had moved, he grabbed her arms and pulled her an inch from his face.

His voice was low and strained from trying to hold his tears, but it was deadly.

"You don't know anything."

With that he pushed her away, turned, stomped to the door, and slammed it so hard that pictures fell from the wall.

An hour later, and Buffy was still on the floor in front of the couch. The tears wouldn't stop. She hadn't cried this much since the day after it happened, when the shock left and reality sank in.

She cried for everything she could think of, everything that had ever happened to her. She cried for her mother, her father, and she cried for Spike. Because in that moment she was so close to him, she could see it. Hell, she could feel it. The grief and despair that rolled off of him. The look in his eye, and the tremble in the hands that held her. He needed someone just as much as she did.

But she couldn't understand something. Even though her father had abandoned her, basically told her he didn't want her, she still turned to him. She wanted her daddy to hold her, she needed him to comfort her. He was all she had left.

But he hadn't wanted to her, sent her away to people she hardly knew anymore, that were battling demons of their own.

But Giles was here, he tried to reach out to Spike, only to be shoved away. She couldn't understand why Spike wouldn't accept love from his father.

But she would.

~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy walked down the sidewalk, kicking herself for turning down Jenny's offer to show her around.

' I'm gonna get kidnapped. I know it. Oh God, please let me find that dummy.' She thought to herself as she looked up and down the streets looking for anything resembling a bleached head.

She turned a corner and heard music coming from a block or two away. A group of kids around her age were heading that way so she trailed behind them. She followed them to a doorway, with a small neon light above it.

The Bronze. She thought she had heard that somewhere before, but couldn't remember where, and since she had been all over and he was no where else, there was a good chance he could be in there.

She thanked God she had grabbed her purse when she paid the cover charge, and thanked the bouncer for opening the door for her. The small place was packed with people, and she sighed at the thought of trying to find him, in this sea of bodies. She flinched when someone bumped into her, having not been around anyone since the funeral.

She scanned the crowds with no luck, and decided to make her way to the bar. 'God, knows he likes to drink.' She made her way over and searched the stools for him with no avail.

She nearly screamed when someone touched her shoulder, and then relaxed when she remembered Spike doing it before. "God, I've been looking all over for you." She ground out in a irritated voice, turning around to be met with a pair of brown eyes.

"You've been looking for me? Well, that's good. Because I've been looking my entire life for you." The guy looked her up and down as he spoke, leering at her legs and chest.

Buffy was ready to turn and run, when a strong hand wrapped around her elbow.

"She's with me." Buffy turned to look at Spike, relieved that he was here, and a little thrilled at the look in his eyes.

Possessive.

The guy held his hands up, palms outward, "Hey, Giles. I was just leaving. No hard feelings." Buffy turned to look at Spike and watched his eyes follow the boy until the dancers camoflouged him.

He looked down at her then, "What the bloody hell are you doing here?" She frowned at his harsh words and pulled her arm away.

"I was looking for you. I wanted to talk to you." He turned and started walking away from her, speaking over his shoulder.

"There's nothing to talk about." She raced in front of him, putting a stop to his descent.

"Yes, there is. I- I'm sorry. I just- it's tearing me up inside, you know?" She looked back at him and noticed his eyes soften at her confession. "And- and you're right. I haven't talked about it, and I'm just wasting my life sitting around. She- she wouldn't have wanted that."
A tear fell at her whispered words, and she was surprised when Spike wiped it away with the pad of his thumb. She looked up to see his eyes watering, and gave him a shaky smile. "Forgive me?"

His eyes crinkled as he gave her a smile, "I'm the one who should be apologizing, pet. I-I do know." The last part was said so low, she wasn't even sure if she had heard him right until his eyes got a bit hazy and his lower lip quivered. She knew she was about to lose him to his memories, so she latched onto his arm.

"Well, let's just consider it forgotten." She watched as he shook his head to clear his mind, the same way Giles had in her bedroom, so long ago. He gave her a small smile, and turned her around, pushing her toward the bar.

"Let me get you a drink, pet. What do you want?" He motioned the bartender over.

"Just a coke, is fine."

"You got it." He turned around and gave their orders to the waiting man. After he had left to fetch their drinks, Spike turned to look at Buffy, here amongst all this people she looked tiny and frail, but Spike knew she was stronger than most people could ever think of being. She had went through so much and was still gentle and caring. He thought of the way she had dragged him to his room that night, after he had blatantly ingnored her since the night he found her in the shower.

But the truth was she scared him. When he had heard her sobs over the sound of his music, he had tripped over his nightstand in his haste to get to her. And when he had ripped open that shower curtain and saw her huddled in the bottom of the tub, he cried along with her. He did know what she ws going through. He had been going through it for seven years now. For those few moments when Buffy was crying on his shoulder, he forgot about the hate and pain, and only thought of making her's disappear. But when his dad stormed in, the memories cames stampeding back, and he had wanted nothing more than to crawl in a bottle and live out the rest of his days there.

"Here, man. Two cokes." Spike turned around and retrieved the cokes, handed Buffy hers, and steered them toward an empty table. When they got settled in away from the crowd, they just sat in a comfortable silence, enjoying the others presence.

Spike found that his gaze kept drifting back to Buffy, and he watched as she looked at the people on the dance floor, her eyes sparkling with something he was sure hadn't been there in quite a while.

A slower beat came over the speakers, and Spike watched as Buffy stared longingly at the couples slow dancing. He contemplated asking her, but he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to himself. A soft sigh pulled him out of his musings, and he turned his head to see a small smile crossing her face.

Any resistance on his part flew out the window at the beautiful smile tugging on her lips.

Buffy looked over when Spike stood up, and looked into his eyes after glancing at the hand before her. She could see how anxious he was, and gave him a dazzling smile while placing her hand in his. He let out a breath, and smiled at her, dimples shining.

He pulled her to the dance floor and placed his hands on her waist. She slid her hands up his arms and let them settle on his shoulders, tilting her face up to gaze into eyes as stormy as the ocean.

*Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart*


They started swaying to the beat of the music, their gazes never leaving the others. Buffy wondered how Giles and Jenny could be so blind. She could see the pain in Spike's eyes, the same pain that had been there when he swaggered into the dining room her first night here. But now, there was something else. A spark. A twinkle that hadn't been there before. Buffy wondered what had put it there, never even thinking that it was because of her.


*Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart*



God, she was beautiful. Spike stared into her deep green eyes and felt something strike in his heart. Felt the embers begin burning for this tiny girl. He hardly even knew her, but he felt that he could share the secrets of the world with her.


*And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight*


Spike pulled her closer to him, sliding his hands up her waist and around her back, clutching her to his chest. She closed her eyes at the feel of his strong hands caressing her back, and slid her own hands over his shoulders, down to rest against his shoulder blades. She could feel the knots and pressure there and began massaging them slowly. Spike's forehead fell forward against her own as he let out a soft moan at her actions.


*Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart*


"Buffy." It was a mere whisper of breath, but she felt it hit her heart like a sledgehammer. His soft breath against her face was the sweetest thing she had ever felt, and his hard body pressing against hers warmed her like fire. Never had she felt anything like this in her life, and she was loathe to let it end. She fisted his shirt in her hands and pulled him impossibly closer to her.


*Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be
Turnaround, But every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turnaround, Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Turnaround, Every now and then I know there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart*

Her soft body pressing against his was the sweetest torture in the world. Her hands were clutching his shirt as if she was afraid he was going to leave. But she had nothing to worry about. He wasn't going to leave, he couldn't. Not when she was whispering his name like a prayer.

*And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
Well be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight*


"Spike." He lifted his head at the soft sigh of his name and met her eyes with his. Her hands slid up his neck and cradled his cheeks, her thumbs softly caressing the sharp edges. She pulled his head to hers, and their lips met in a kiss that would change their lives.


*Forever's gonna start tonight*

The lights died, the music faded away, and all that was left was each other.

Their lungs were burning from lack of air, and it only made the kiss sweeter.

When Buffy started getting dizzy, she never thought to pull away for breath, because she had felt that way since the moment their lips touched.

Spike's legs began to tingle, and fell asleep while he was standing there, his body threatening to crumble to the floor from lack of oxygen, but he didn't care. Because if he died right then, he would die happy.

They probably would have drowned in each other, if someone hadn't have bumped into Spike while dancing to the fast beat of a song.

It jarred them into reality, and their lips ripped away to drag in air.

Buffy was shocked at the emotions she had felt, and brought a hand to her tingling lips, drinking in precious air. She looked at Spike while he stared at the floor, his shoulders jumping up and down as he tried to catch his breath, and her heart skipped a beat.

Spike's eyes trailed up her body to look into hers, mere moments before she dragged his lips back to hers for a soul stealing kiss.

This was nothing like the first, because it was everything a first kiss should be. Curious, inviting, and sweet. And even though it seemed like it had lasted for ever, their mouths had never opened. It was magic and it was heavenly.

And if that kiss was heavenly, then this one was sent from the devil himself.

Tongues battling and tasting, hands roaming, soft moans spilling out and spurring them on even further.

The passion was all encompassing, and Buffy could feel it all around her, sheilding her from the outside world. Spike was all there was, and she was perfectly content with it.

He pulled away and began trailing kisses across her cheek to her ear, which he licked and nibbled until she squirmed and moaned, digging her hands into his hair.

"Buffy." He breathed in her ear.

"Yes." She ran her hands through his slicked back locks leaving curls in her wake.

"How-how is this possible?" He pulled away to look at her, his eyes stormy and shining.

Her forehead wrinkled with a slight frown, "How is what possible, Spike?"

He let go of her and ran his own fingers through his hair, "How can I feel like this, I hardly- I don't even know who you are!"

She started to dispute him, but she realized that she couldn't.

He was right. He didn't know her, and she didn't know him.

How WAS this possible?

Buffy was a firm believer that love at first sight didn't exist. Sure there was lust at first sight, she knew this from experience, especially when she laid eyes on Spike Giles.

But to love someone- true love- you had to know them. You had to know their personality, their quirks, their ups and downs, and you had to respect them.

Because that's what love is right?

But if that was true, why did she feel like this?

Her heart was beating so hard it was hurting, and her lips were aching for the softness of his.

Why did she forget everything but him when he was around? Why did the painful memories of her mother, lose some of their edge when she was with him?

Granted, she hadn't spent much time with him, but in the time she had, the once gaping wound in her heart had dissolved into a dull throb.

It was crazy, she didn't even know him.

But she felt like she did.

She felt like she had waged war and battles with him, and came through victorious.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Buffy sighed and looked at the floor, wrapping her arms around herself. "You're right. "

Spike looked a little disappointed at her words, like he had wanted her to deny him.

But another part of him, was telling him to run as far as possible from Buffy Summers.

She was risky, she could hurt him.

And he knew about pain, he lived and breathed it.

And while a part of him was reaching to Buffy like a lifeline, another part was recoiling.

Because the wall around his heart was sturdy.

It had to be.

Because his heart was in a million pieces.

But somehow, this tiny thing in front of him, had scaled the wall. She was straddling it, because he could still stop her if he wanted.

He didn't even know her, he could stop her from getting over it.

He could walk away from her right now, and treat her like the rest of them, just to keep himself from getting hurt again.

But when her tiny hand reached for his and she looked up at him with big green eyes, he was lost.

"One day at a time?"

He entwined their fingers, and felt the wall around his heart shake as it skipped a beat.

"One day at a time."

Buffy looked up from her plate when a boot softly pushed against her foot.

Spike was sitting across from her with a secretive smirk and one dark eyebrow arched.

She glanced to her left making sure Giles and Jenny were occupied before giving him a coy smile, while running her bare foot up his shin. He looked at her again, flicking his eyebrows while shoving a bite of roast beef in his mouth.

Giles cleared his throat, and Buffy jerked her foot back so hard it smacked the rung on her chair. Spike disguised a laugh with a cough, and asked her with his eyes if she was alright. She gave him a short nod of her head, and he focused on his dinner after shooting a dirty look at his father.

Buffy saw the look just as Giles caught it as well.

She saw the sadness pass over his features before they hardened.

She didn't really think anything of it now, because it was normal. Or at least routine.

It had been three weeks since the night at The Bronze and Buffy and Spike had almost been inseperable.

They had walked home that night in a comfortable silence, each stealing glances at the other. They hadn't held hands, but as they walked side by side they had constantly brushed together. She had opened the door for him, and let him in walk ahead of her. He had shot her a confused look until she softly closed the door hardly making a sound. A sheepish look crept on his face and he had looked at the floor for a moment before bringing shy blue eyes back to her face. She had giggled and passed him, walking up the stairs ahead of him. They stopped in front of the bedrooms, and Spike had sucked in a breath while scratching the back of his neck nervously. He had muttered a quick "Bloody Hell" before grabbing her and kissing her until she fell back against her door, grabbing onto the knob for support. He had winked at her, and said "sweet dreams" in a voice that inspired said dreams. They both fell asleep thinking of the person across the hall.

The next day when she woke up, Spike was sitting in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal. Shaking of the shock of seeing him, Buffy had walked in and made her own breakfast.

Later they sat on the couch, making fun of tv shows until Giles and Jenny came home from work. It was mid-July, so both Giles and Jenny had to go back to the school to prepare for the upcoming school year. Which meant they had the house to theirselves most of the time.

It seemed to Buffy that in these last few weeks, Spike had brought back light to her life.

Nothing could ever replace her mother, and there was still a giant void missing from her life, but it was getting easier.

The pain was still there, but it wasn't as hard or cold as it once had been. Buffy still missed her and thought about her constantly, but now instead of thinking of the bad, she thought of the good. Her words, her scent, her image. All things she had once pushed away, she now embraced.

And it was strange, because of all the things she had talked to Spike about, she had never talked to him about her mother. When she would start to say something about it, his body would go rigid, his features hardening. One time he had even gotten up and left, not coming back until later that night, when he stumbled in drunk.

Since she couldn't talk to Spike about her, she talked to Jenny. Jenny missed her almost as much as she did, and they would laugh thinking about certain things and cry thinking of others. Talking with Jenny had helped her in some ways, but she knew that Spike was the reason she was living again.

Buffy talked to Spike about anything and everything, with the exception of her mother and his. It felt so good to just talk to someone that she didn't realize that she had spilled her soul to him, and he was still as elusive as ever.

He never talked about any friends or relatives, or about his childhood. They basically just talked about her and the things going on around them. And even though she still didn't know somethings about him, she was falling in love with him.

Everyday he do or say something, that would sweep her off her feet all over again. And the stolen kisses and caresses just left her burning for more.

They hadn't told Giles and Jenny, but she was pretty sure they knew. They had came home early one Friday to find them snuggled on the couch, watching Gone With The Wind. Spike had stiffened when they came in, but to Buffy's surprise he didn't get up and stomp to his room. He didn't say anything to them either, but still he was staying around them more. And even though he never had anything to say or do with Giles unless he just had to, he was spending alot more time around Jenny. He would talk to her, or ask her a question, and Buffy could practically see her heart bursting.

Giles was relieved by this as well, but Buffy could see jealousy there. And a part of her could understand, Spike was his son, if he needed something he should come to him.

But Buffy knew there was more to it.

Because she knew that Spike was a loving person. Of course, just looking at him you could never tell it. But it was the things he did, he would go out of his way to make her comfortable, or to make her smile. He was fiercely protective as well, if they went out he never let her out of his sight. If she had to go to the bathroom, he would wait outside the door for her. And it wasn't just her, but Jenny and to a certain extent Giles. He was always watching for something, and Buffy was intrigued by this.

Because Giles was the exact same way.

Buffy clung to Spike's hand as they entered The Bronze. There was hardly anyone there, and it wasn't unusual since it was a Tuesday night. There wasn't a live band or specials going on during the week, so most people stayed home until the weekend.

But tonight was special for Spike and Buffy.

After keeping their relationship secret for three months, they had finally come clean. Well, Buffy had come clean.

Spike had stood behind her with a hand on her shoulder, daring the adults to say anything.

But they hadn't said a word, they had smiled and simply told them to be careful and make wise choices.

And even though he claimed he didn't care if they approved or not, Buffy could feel some of the tension leave his body when they had.

So they had decided to go to The Bronze, where it had all started.

Buffy still couldn't believe that she had been with them for six months already. In a way it had flown by, but it also felt like she had always been there.

She had started school the month before, and her life was finally coming back on track.

She thought of her mother everyday, and even found herself talking to her every now and then. She had finally come to terms with the fact that her mother was in a better place.

Of course there was nothing in the world she wanted more than to have her mother there with her, but there was no way. So she was happy now at the thought that her mother wasn't suffering anymore. And now she realized that when her mother was alive, she had suffered so much. The treatments took her energy, and made her sick.

But then she had gotten better, they were able to remove the tumor from her brain. She had gotten to come home, her hair was beginning to grow back, and she had started enoying her life again.

Or so it had seemed.

When she thought about it now, she remembered the headaches, mood swings, and memory loss. But at the time she thought it was just after effects of the surgery. She had tried to brush it aside, because the doctors had told her the tumor was gone, she had passed the two month mark with no new growth.

They never even thought of an anuerism.

But she remembered the look on her face when she found her.

Peaceful.

She had even smiled when she saw it, before she realized she wasn't moving.

They say that hindsight is twenty/twenty, and Buffy was beginning to believe it.

Because if her mother was still alive and there was a way of saving her, she would have went to hell and back to find it.

But there wasn't. And even though she missed her like crazy, Buffy wouldn't bring her back.

Because she was happy now, she was at peace. No more chemo, no more shots.

And Buffy knew she was watching over her. When the wind would blow the brief scent of lily's across her face, Buffy would close her eyes and smile.

She knew who it was.

~~~

But there was still something missing.

With the exception of her mother, Buffy should be happy.

But she couldn't be.

Not when she watches the man she loves suffer everyday.

She knew he was happier than he had been in a long time. She looked at the way he was now, compared to the way he was when she had first arrived.

He had only come home drunk twice since the night she put him to bed, the night of their first kiss.

The first was when she had talked about her mother to him, and he had stormed out. She had sat up waiting for him, and had dragged him in when she heard him hit the front porch. They didn't make it to his room that night, she had managed to get him to the couch before he had broke down. He latched onto her and cried until he fell asleep. And even in his sleep the tears had kept flowing. When she awoke the next day it was to find Spike dry heaving in his sleep. She had rushed to the bathroom for a trash can, and made it just in time to thrust it under his mouth as he emptied his stomach. He had cried again and apologized over and over while she cleaned him up. Finally covering his mouth with her hand, she had rubbed his stomach softly until he fell into a fitful sleep.

The next time was on the eighth day of the September.

She hadn't hought anything of it until they started spending time together. But on the eighth day of every month he would be gone when she woke up. He was usually waiting for her on the couch so they could eat breakfast, but this time he was gone. She had searched for a note with no luck, and had finally asked Jenny if she had seen him. Jenny had looked at the day on the calendar, and told Buffy not to expect him home for a while. When he had came home the first time he wasn't drunk, but she knew he had been crying. She could see the tear tracks on is face, and his shirt was soaked. He came to her room and silently crawled into the bed with her, wrapping himself around her and shuddering with silent sobs. The next day when she woke up, Spike was waiting on the couch for her and not a word was spoken about it. That was in July, and it happened again in August.

But in September, he didn't come home until two days later.

She had noticed that he pulled away from her in the last days of August and stayed in his room more, begging off when she wanted to do something or tried to talk to him. He had even snapped at her a couple of times. But Buffy didn't take any offense, she had just let him alone. She just thought he was in a mood, until she had walked in on Jenny crying in the kitchen.

She knew something was wrong then. Neither Giles or Spike would come to dinner, and they hardly left their room and study. Some of Spike's professors had even called looking for him when he had skipped classes for nearly a week.

Buffy knew something was wrong on the Seventh when Jenny had literally forced her to go for a shopping day with her. They had arrived at the mall with Jenny going straight to the fountain, sitting on the edge staring at it, with a fountain of her own flowing down her cheeks. When they got home that night Giles and Spike were no where to be found. Jenny had went straight to her room, slamming the door without a glance at Buffy. Buffy had called Spike's cell phone over and over, always getting his voice mail. She sat by the phone all night waiting for him to call, but it stayed silent. She didn't expect him home on the eighth, but she kept calling his cell phone, and kept the phone by her side.

On the ninth when he didn't come home, she went looking for him. By the time she got home she was hysterical, and had walked into Giles study not caring to knock. What she found on her arrival, was shocking.

The room was in shambles, furniture upside down, books thrown about, and glass littering the floor from where they had been thrown against the wall. Giles looked up from the bottle of scotch, and frowned at her. When she told him Spike was gone, he started crying saying nothing but two words before he fell onto the desk weeping.

"Eight years."

She had stormed out of the study looking for Jenny, but found she was gone too. She went back out looking for him, only to come back hours later exhausted and alone. She had called hospitals and police departments, but no one had been in fitting his description.

By the time she had finshed it was almost noon on the tenth.

She was picking up the phone to file a missing persons report, when he stumbled through the door.

She dropped the phone, and ran to catch him just before he fell into the glass top table.

He was filthy, his clothes were ripped, and the smell of alcohol and vomit rolling off him had Buffy gagging herself. She dragged him to the downstairs bathroom, and somehow by the grace of God managed to get him into the tub. The shock was wearing off and she finally let the tears fall.

She removed his clothes without even seeing them, because she was crying so hard. She stopped the tub and let it fill with warm water after propping his head up on a towel. She didn't even notice his nudity, because the water had started to turn red.

Terrified of where he was hurt at, she had pulled and rolled him until she had searched every inch of him. And it wasn't until she cradled his hand in hers that she found where the blood was coming from.

She gasped at the sight of his knuckles, the skin completely gone. She could see the pink hue of the bones and dropped his hand back in the water, scrambling up to find antibiotics and bandages.

Her sobs and banging around caught the attention of Giles, who stumbled to the door, and looked in on her.

When he saw Spike, he sank to his knees and crawled to the tub, sobs wracking his body. He pulled Spike against his chest and cradled him there, sobbing and saying the words "I'm sorry" over and over.

Buffy had fell against the toilet and cried until she had emptied the contents of her own stomach twice.

She knew now.

It was about his mother.
~~~
She remembered how he didn't wake up until the next day.

She stayed by his side, and when he woke up as sick as a dog, she had taken care of him.

He had never apologized for it, and she didn't expect him to.

She just wished he would talk to her. Give her the chance to help him, the way he had her.

She had told him everything, about her father, her childhood, what scared her, and what her dreams were. And even though Spike did talk to her about his goals and dreams, he never talked to her about what mattered.

The thing that haunts him.

The thing that tore his life apart, what had taken his mother from him, and what had caused him to hate his father.

~~~

That was the last time he came home drunk.

He had went to his classes and did extra credit for his missed days, and stayed home with her when he was off.

He had treated her like a queen, and she had let him.

Because a part of her had hated him for what happened.

A part of her hated that he didn't trust her enough to tell her. For not letting her try to help him through his dark times, instead of running off and drinking himself into oblivion, punching something until he shredded his hands.

She knew that he loved her. He had whispered it to her one night when he thought she was asleep.

But if he loved her, why couldn't he trust her?

She trusted him with everything. She had bared her soul to him.

Hell, she GAVE him her soul.

Why wouldn't he talk about her? What happened to her that was so horrible, it turned a humble young boy into a shell?

She was his only friend. Sure, he had aquantences, people who knew and respected him.

But he didn't have a single friend. No one to talk to, cut up with, or tell dirty jokes to. He went to school, did his assignments, and came home, occasionally going to the Bronze. She knew he went somewhere else as well, because when she first came he was never home, but he kept it a secret.
~
But for all the things he didn't do or say, one look from his eyes stole her breath.

And she loved him.

She loved him so much it hurt. And that's why it killed her. It broke her heart everyday that he kept his secret from her.

But she knew that if he never told her anything ever again, she would still stay by his side. Because she couldn't live without him.

She might live her life in love with a stranger, but she could feel it when he looked at her.

His eyes spoke volumes of what his mouth didn't, and she knew in her heart without a doubt,

This stranger was her soulmate.

Since most of the tables were empty, Spike pulled Buffy to a secluded table in the back.

He brought her hand to his lips for a kiss before going to get them drinks.

Buffy sat in her chair and watched as he walked to the bar. He was so graceful, every move he made set her on fire.

Spike was on his way back from the bar when a familiar song came through the speakers.

Buffy stood and took the drinks from him, placing them on the table. He looked confused for a moment, so she gave him a smile and held out her hand.

His confusion gave away to a grin, and he placed his hand in hers, allowing her to lead him to the dance floor.

This time instead of wrapping her arms around his neck, one hand laid itself upon his shoulder, and the other brought their clasped hands to rest on her heart. He wrapped his arm around her, and they began swaying to the music.

Buffy kept her eyes on his and began singing softly.

*It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing*


Spike's eyes widened when she started singing, and he felt his soul melt. And even though she wasn't the best singer, it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.


*The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all*

Her voice was rough with tears, and threatening to crack, but she didn't care. Nothing was going to stop her from singing this song to him. It was perfect, she couldn't have wrote the lyrics any more true herself. It was fate.

*All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine*


He was crying now, but it didn't matter. He couldn't care less. Not when she was clutching his hand to her heart, serenading him with sweet trembling lips. What had he done to deserve her? Why did a sweet beauty like Buffy, want a broken man? There was no fear in his heart anymore, he knew she loved him. This song was perfect for her too. Because when she looked at him with those shining green eyes, love poured out of them in waves. He was drowning in her, she had brought feelings back to his heart that he thought were buried. He loved her, and he was perfectly willing to let himself drown in her. She would take care of him.



*The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all*

She was crying to hard to sing anymore, so she mouthed the words to him. She watched as his tears fell to the ground, and felt the hand at her heart tighten. This is what she was singing about, the look in eyes. The look that told her that he did need her. And even though he couldn't say it, his eyes couldn't lie.

*The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best..

When you say nothing at all...*



"I love you."

He let out a whimper at her confession and crushed her to him. He buried his face in her hair, soaking it with his tears.

She held him to her, and whispered into his neck.

"I love you so much. "

He pulled her away to look at him and brought her face gently to his and placed a sweet kiss on her lips.

He pulled slightly away, but she could feel his lips move softly against hers when he spoke.

"I love you, Buffy."




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N The song is "When You Say Nothing at All" by Alison Krauss.

They crept into the house quiet as mice, in fear of waking up Giles and Jenny.

They were still clinging to each other, and still wet with tears. They headed up the stairs, and came to a hesitant stop between the bedrooms.

Buffy looked at Spike, and she knew what she wanted.

She wanted him.

And she knew he wanted her just as much.

She took him by the hand and walked to his bedroom door. He stopped in the doorway, and Buffy turned to face him.

"Ar- are you sure?" He looked into her eyes, trying to find fear, but all he found was love.

And desire.

She closed the distance between them, placed her hands on his stomach, running her hands up his chest. She glanced up at him shyly, but their was an air of confidence around her.

"I've never wanted anything so much in my life."

He let out a soft breath, and brought his lips to hers for a brief kiss. He turned around, softly closing the door and locking it while she went over to the bed.

He turned around to see her crawling backwards up it, coming to rest against his pillows. Her eyes had never left his, and the look in them had him as hard as steel.

He paused long enough to take off his boots, before crawling up the bed to rest above her propping himself on his hands.

Buffy ran her hands up his chest, coming to rest on his neck, where she softly guided his face to hers.

The kiss was passion at its strongest. Her body was crying out for his, and she began to arch against him, trying to find the relief his body could bring.

He lowered himself to rest slightly on her, and her legs parted, letting his hips fall between them. At the first contact of his hardness against her, she ripped her lips away and let out a long moan, rising against him to further the pleasure.

He ground against her, letting his own moans mingle with hers.

She brought her hands down and under his shirt pulling the tight garment up and off. She flung it to the floor and went back to his lips, caressing the skin she had just bared.

His own hands were slipping beneath her shirt and found their way to a soft breast.

Buffy moaned into the kiss, breaking away to allow him to pull her shirt and bra off.

When she laid beneath him again, bared to his gaze, Spike couldn't help staring.

This was his.

This beautiful woman belonged to him, she loved him, and nothing would ever take her away from him.

He would take on the devil himself, and he would protect her until his death.

Buffy noticed the look in his eyes, and softly stroked his hair, trying to bring him back to her. It must have worked, because he snapped his head up to her face, and she watched as tears pooled in his eyes.

"I love you, Buffy."

There was such conviction in his voice, and Buffy shuddered at the sound.

"I'll never let anything happen to you, do you hear me? Nothing. Nothing will ever touch you. You're mine."

A tear dropped from his eye and landed on her cheek. She could feel it as it rolled down her face and neck.

And it was strangely fitting that she cried his tears.

He was breathing hard and tears were pouring, and she fell in love with him all over again.

"Say it! Say that you're mine!"

His grip was almost bruising, but she welcomed the feeling.

"Yours. I'm yours Spike."

He crushed his lips to hers and let them drift to her neck, licking and sucking. He drifted from her neck down to her breasts where he thouroughly lavished each one.

After playing with her nipples until she gasped and moaned, he lowered his head to her stomach kissing her quivering flesh. He brought his hands to the waist of her skirt and slid his fingers inside to bring the silky material down her legs. He inhaled sharply at the sight of her in nothing but pink lacy panties, and ran his hands up her legs to rest on the sides of her underwear. He pulled them down and off, his eyes watching hers for any sign that she wanted to stop.

But what he saw made him move a little faster.

"You're so beautiful, love." He kissed his way up her legs and buried his head between her thighs. "So beautiful."

He kissed and licked her until she was on the edge of paradise, then he pulled his head away, and looked up her body until he reached her eyes. "I love you."

And she came.

He didn't even need to touch her, his words had sent her to heaven.

He let out a growl at the sight of her panting in ecstasy, and fumbled harshly with his pants until they were in the floor with the rest of their clothes. He grabbed a condom and rolled it down his length, not even giving her a chance to see it before he had crawled back up her body, his hips once again cradled between her thighs. He had a wild look in his eye and he was panting, like he was having to hold himself back.

"Need to be inside you now. Please, baby."

She opened her legs wider, letting his length slide and prod against her.

"Yes, yes. Please" She gasped out while running her hands down his back to his rear, where she pulled him against her.

His eyes never left hers as he entered her.

And when he took her virginity, he cried along with her.

He stayed still within her and felt her tears hitting his cheek, where it was pressed against his. He whispered soft nothings in her ear, telling her he loved her over and over.

He had to fight the urge to move until she was ready. Never had anything felt like this, she was hot and tight, and as soft as velvet.

But the love in her eyes was what threatened to set him off.

She arched her hips against him, and he pushed down to meet her. They thrust softly against each other until it was just to much.

It was too good to last, too pure and scorching for them to continue.

And when they came it was with a declaration of love for the other.

~~~

When Buffy woke up the next day it was to find two blue eyes twinkling at her.

She smiled a sleepy smile at him, and leaned over him, softly whispering "I love you" just before their lips met.

~~~

They made love until they fell asleep yet again.

The next few weeks passed by with Buffy and Spike attending classes, going to the Bronze, and making love.

They made love nearly every night and it just kept getting better.

They took turns sleeping in each others bedrooms. Giles and Jenny hardly came upstairs, so they weren't worried about getting caught.

~~~

Spike's love continued to grow for Buffy.

She was the light that he thought would never shine again on his dark existence.

He wanted to marry her. He wanted to show her the world.

She had brought William out of him.

He had even started talking to people. He began to remember his up bringing, started opening doors for people, when only a year before he would have slammed them in their face.

She made him want to be a better person.

He had begun to realize what a wonderful person Jenny was. He regretted the way he treated her, wondering why she had put up with him for so long. He had even asked her that. She had just smiled at him, and looked toward Giles' study.

But there was one thing he wouldn't do.

He would not talk to Giles.

He hardly even looked at him. If he did talk to him it was because he absolutely had to.

But he thought about him.

He thought about him all the time, and when he thought of him, he thought of Her.

~~~

They had even started doing things as a family.

Or they tried to at least.

It was hard to be a family, when Jenny and Buffy were the only ones participating. But they went out to dinner every once and a while, and sometimes they stayed in and watched movies.

And tonight was movie night.

~~~

"What about this one?" Jenny asked as she held up the box to a movie. Three groans came from behind her. She turned to look at Spike and Buffy snuggled on the couch, and Giles in a chair. "Fine." With a sigh she began digging through the chest again. She came across a blank tape and sat back on her heels trying to remember what it was.

"Spike?" She looked over at him, as she held up the tape.

"Yeah?"

"Do you know what this is?" She turned the tape over looking for anything that might be written on it.

"Nope, dosen't it say?" She shook her head no, and flipped it again showing him the blank side. "Well pop it in, see what it is."

She turned around on her knees, and put the tape into the VCR. She stood up, grabbed the remote, and sat down on the arm of Giles' chair.

They all stared at the fuzzy screen, and when the image popped up, Jenny and Buffy gasped.

Joyce stood in front of the camera with a smile on her face, and a tiny Buffy on her hip. She was smiling at the person behind the camera, while trying to get Buffy to pay attention to it.

"Buffy, say hi to Jenny." Buffy looked into the camera, and waved her little arm once.

"Jeey!"

"That's mommy's good girl." Joyce gave Buffy a kiss on the head and snuggled her close, looking at the camera with a smile.

Buffy was breathing rapidly and her chin was quivering, and she only said one word before she bolted from the couch and up the stairs.

"Mommy."

~~~

Spike found her on the bedroom floor, clinging to the picture of her mother she kept by the bed.

Her sobs were deafening, and her whole body shook from the force of them.

He picked her up and laid her on the bed, then he climbed on beside her and pulled her to his chest.

She didn't stop crying for nearly two hours, and her fingers held the picture in a vice grip.

She finally settled down and pulled back to look at Spike. He looked back at her with his own tearful eyes.

She laid her aching head on his chest and he scooted down the bed so they could lie down.

She was still softly crying when she started speaking.

"I'm sorry."

Spike stroked her head and then placed a kiss there. "Pet, there's nothing to be sorry for, do you hear?"

She nodded her head.

"I've been doing so good. But seeing her there, talking and smiling, I jus-"

She started crying again and he held her to him, whispering softly in her hair.

"Spike?"

"Yes, my love?"

"Will you tell me a story? I don't care, just take my mind away."

"I'm afraid I don't know any good stories, love."

"Well, sing a song, anything. Please."

He scanned his memory for a song, then pulled her tighter to him and softly began singing in her hair.

"Sometimes many miles may lay between us
But only for the job I choose to do
And one thought helps me through my darkest hour
Each mile brings be closer to you

Please believe you're all I ever wanted
If you should leave I don't know what I'd do
I'd be like a child afraid of darkness
The greatest fear I have is loosing you

Heaven knows I've always had these demons
Watching for a place to take control
Whispering "you'll never be there for me"
Waiting at the end of my road

Please believe you're all I ever wanted
If you should leave I don't know what I'd do
I'd be like a child afraid of darkness
The greatest fear I have is loosing you

Alone I wonder through this world
No meaning in my life
And I found you and finally saw the light

So please believe you're all I ever wanted
If you should leave I don't know what I'd do
I'd be like a child afraid of darkness
The greatest fear I have is loosing you

The greatest fear I have is loosing you"


His deep voice had lulled her to sleep. He pulled the covers up around them, and closed his eyes.

When he fell asleep behind her, he only had one thought on his mind.

No truer words had ever been spoken.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: Song is "My Greatest Fear" By Randy Travis

"Spike."

Buffy moaned as Spike thrust deeper inside her.

She had one arm around his neck and the other was sliding senuously up and down his back.

Her internal muscles contracted around him as he hit the sweet spot inside her.

"Buffy! God!" He groaned against her sweat slickened hair, while thrusting faster.

He could feel her breath speed up against his neck, and knew she was going to come. He slid his hand between them to rub against her, and held her to him as she came apart.

Her muscles were clutching him, and the sight of her swollen lips crying his name sent him over the edge with her.

She opened her eyes to find him gazing at her while still softly thrusting, bringing them both down from the heavens.

She gave him a sweet smile and ran her hands through his sweaty locks, pulling his lips to hers for an even sweeter kiss.

"I love you so much."

He smiled at her, and rolled them over so she was resting on top of him.

She nestled her head in the crook of his neck, finding his hand and entwining their fingers, bringing them to rest against her chest, after placing a soft kiss on them. He wrapped his other arm around her, laying his cheek against her soft hair.

"I love you too."

~~~

Spike woke up the next morning to the sound of Buffy softly humming.

He smiled and rolled over reaching for her, but only found an empty bed.

He opened his eyes and saw her sitting at her vanity fully dressed, running a brush through her hair.

He rested his head on his palm, "What are you doing, sweet love?"

She smiled at his pet name, "Nothing. Getting ready."

He rolled over on his back and closed his eyes again. "Ready for what?"

"Our date."

"Excuse me?" He pulled his head up to look at her.

"Our date." She spritzed some perfume on her neck.

Spike groaned when the scent reached his nose, feeling himself begin to harden. But he soon remembered her words.

"I don't recall anything about a date at-" He turned his head to look at the clock on her nightstand, "7:30?! Bloody Hell, woman!"

She chuckled as he glared at her. "I know, it's a surprise."

"Pet don't you think this is a little backwards?" He gestured between the two of them.

"Why?"

"Because I'm supposed to be surprising you if I'm gonna take you on a date."

"Oh. No."

"No? What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm taking you on a date."


~~~


Spike laid back on the blanket, thinking about earlier in the day.

He couldn't remember the last time he had so much fun.

After Buffy had dragged him out of bed, and basically shoved him under a stream of cold water, they had left the house and headed to the park.

Buffy had brought a picnic basket full of goodies, and they had snacked on some fruit for breakfast.

They had played in the fountain for a little while, but the cool November air had soon put them on the go.

Then they had played on the swings and merry-go round, laughing like children, and holding hands as they jumped to the ground.

After eating a simple luch of peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, a Buffy special, they had walked to the small pond nestled in the middle of the park.

He had tugged her to a stop when they reached the middle of the small bridge crossing the water, and spun her around for a kiss that set their chilled bodies ablaze.

The sun had just went down, and they were lying on a blanket on top of a small hill that overlooked the town.

The sunset had been beautiful, but Spike had hardly noticed it.

He had been focused on Buffy, knowing that she outshined the sun.

He had watched as the pink and purples of the sky softly caressed her face, and made her eyes glow an unearthly shade of green.

She sighed and rolled over on the blanket, propping herself on her elbow so she could look down at him. She brought her other hand to rest against his cheek and he nuzzled his face against it like a cat.

"I love you."

His heart leaped everytime she said those words to him, and he had come to cherish the feeling.

He opened his mouth to return the sentiment when she laid her fingers on his lips.

"I love you so much, Spike." He placed as kiss against her fingers, letting her know he understood that she wanted to speak.

"I know I say it all the time, but it's not enough. It's just words. You can tell anyone you love them, but love is something you feel." Tears began coursing down her cheeks and he could feel his own pool as he listened to her words.

"And the way I feel for you, just makes it even more true. Because words could never describe this." She entangled his fingers with hers and brought them to rest against her heart.

"It burns and it freezes. It terrifies and excites me at the same time. It scares me to love you this much, because I know if I ever lost you, I'd-"

He crushed her lips to his and pulled back to look in her eyes.

"Never. You'll never lose me. I love you." He gave her a teary smile, "I'm drowning in you, you're in my heart, my soul. I couldn't get you out even if I tried. I love you, Buffy."

Their lips met again, tasting the other's tears.

They pulled away, and she placed a small kiss to the end of his nose.

"Sometimes I want to thank her."

"Who, sweet love?"

She turned around and rested her back against his chest, his arms wrapping around her.

"My mother." She felt him stiffen behind her, "Because I know if she hadn't-, if she wasn't gone, I might not have ever met you. Is that wrong?"

He didn't say a word and his arms were stiff around her, so she pointed to the stars. She laid her head back on his shoulder and looked at his face.

"Aren't they beautiful?"

He snapped out of his daze and looked at her, his arms softening.

"What, pet?"

"The stars, aren't they gorgeous?"

"Nothing compared to you, my love."

He placed a sweet kiss against her cheek and she watched his eyes as they drifted over the stars.

"Pick one."

He looked down at her and raised an eyebrow, "What?"

"I said, pick one."

He gave her a funny look and she pointed at the sky, "Go on. Choose."

He shook his head and turned it up, looking at the many choices.

"That one."

He pointed to a bright star just left of the full autumn moon.

"Alright. Be right back."

She stood up and began walking toward the steeper part of the hill. He jumped up and grabbed her hand, stopping her before she got to far from the blanket.

"Where are you going?"

"To get that star for you."

His bottom lip quivered and a tear ran down his cheek. She softly wiped it away with her thumb, while she caressed the side of his face.

"I'd do anything for you Spike. I'd go to the end of the earth and back. I'd find a way right now to get that star for you, if that's what you wanted. It might take me awhile, but-" She looked at the star winking at them from the dark sky, "I'd do it. I love you, William."

He pulled her to him with a strangled sob, and they fell to the ground as the wall around his heart crumbled.

Winter Break had arrived, and Buffy and Spike had spent the first few days of their short freedom lounging in bed and making love.

It was as if they couldn't get enough of each other.

They were addicted, one body continuosly craved the other.

~

Buffy watched from Spike's bed as he wandered around the room getting ready to leave.

She had a permanent pout in place, and had been trying to lure him back into the bed since the moment he left it.

Today he had designated "His day", which in reality was the day he was going to pick up Buffy's christmas gift. She wanted to accompany him everywhere he went, so he had to put his foot down this time. And if his professor hadn't canceled a class one Thursday, he doubted he would even have her anything.

"Spike."

She let the sheet slide down past her breasts, and arranged herself sexily against the pillows.

"Nope."

She kicked her legs in frustration, not minding dropping her sexy pose, since he wasn't going to look at her.

"Fine."

She rolled over turning her back against him, and covered her head with the sheet.

He smiled at her sulking form and walked over to the bed, leaning over to place a kiss against what he thought was her lips.

"I'll be back soon, sweet love."

"Don't call me that!"

He shook his head, and walked out the door wearing a smile.

Buffy's head popped up right before the door closed and she caught sight of his bare arms. She looked over to where the duster lay on his chair, and scrambled out of bed, grabbing the jacket while running to the door.

"Spike! You forgot your coa-"

She looked down when a worn out journal fell to the floor.


~~~~

Spike hurried into the jewelry shop, cursing himself for forgetting his coat.

But he was so excited to get Buffy's gift, he didn't care about chill.

The older gentleman looked up from the piece he was repairing and smiled at the shivering young man.

"Good morning, William. You're here awful early."

"Morning Mr. Oliver."

Spike gave him a hopeful look and the old man smiled and stood up, waving a hand for Spike to join him.

"Come on my boy. It's back here."

A smile shot across Spike's face and he hurridly joined him at the back counter.

Mr. Oliver pulled a black velvet box from a drawer beneath the glass case and opened it, sitting it on top of the counter for Spike's inspection.

Nestled inside the black velvelt lining, the small ring sparkled. A small square diamond was flanked on each side by a smaller square garnet, Buffy's birthstone.

Spike had came into the store looking for her a gift, and when he had saw the tiny ring he knew he had found it. The old man had pulled it out with a smile, telling him that it was an estate piece.

He told Spike the history of the ring, of how it was given to a woman by her husband, who was later killed in World War II. She had worn the ring until her death, but had stated in her will for the ring to be passed on. But soon money had become tight for the family, so they had to pawn it, along with several other items.

Spike picked the ring up and held it, thinking that he could actually feel the love radiating from it. He remembered what Buffy had said about things happening for a reason, and looked up at the jeweler, who smiled at him with knowing eyes.

The ring had been cleaned , and it shined in the early morning sun.

"Good Luck, son."

Spike smiled at Mr. Oliver and said goodbye, pocketing the ring in his shirt pocket.

He walked out the door with a smile and headed home to Buffy.

~~~~~

Buffy sat in shock as she read entry after entry.

A tear fell onto the journal, and blurred the ink against the page.

The tears had been constant since she had first opened the journal, reading the first entry writen by a thirteen year old Spike.

The pages were cluttered and stained with tears and alcohol. Their wasn't a seperate entry on each page, he just picked up on whatever line he ended at.

She wondered how he had the same book after eight years, but each entry had a date.

The first was September 8, 1996.

Everything was written on the eight of the month, and everything ended suddenly, like he was to drunk to finish his sentence.

Now she knew.

Her head snapped up when the door opened, and Spike walked in with a rose in his hand and smile on his face.

Until he saw what she was reading.

He froze in his tracks, the rose falling to the floor along with his smile.

His body began shaking, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, and she could see his eyes getting wet as they narrowed.

But what scared her the most, was the venom in his voice.

"What have you done?"

She looked at him, but she didn't see Spike.

She saw William, the little boy who had dark curls and glasses.

The little boy who watched his mother die.

"William."

His face was quivering with anger and his breathing was labored, his eyes were wide but they were still narrowed.

If it had been anyone else, the look he giving her would have sent them running for their life.

But it made her want to hold him.

She stood up and walked toward him, and he nearly stumbled in his haste to get away from her.

"Don't come near me!"

"William, don't d-"

He came forward and she was the one scrambling back this time.

He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her once as if trying to shake it into her.

"My name is SPIKE!!"

She flinched from the volume of his voice and tried to pull away from his iron grip.

"Spike, calm dow-"

He shook her again, "How dare you! How fucking dare you! What were you thinking going through my stuff?"

He let go and backed away from her, looking at her with contempt.

"I trusted you. I gave you everythi-, I gave you my fucking heart, and you do this to me?"

She couldn't help but laugh as he said this.

"You think you gave me your heart? You're out of your mind!"

She began walking toward him letting the anger and hurt she felt take over.

She had tried to prove that she loved him, she did everything she could think of.

She told him how she loved him, how she would die for him, SHE had given HIM her heart.

But he still wouldn't trust her with his.

And everyday that he held it inside, she got a little more bitter.

She tried to push it away, never letting it show. On the outside she looked happy, and tried to love him even more, so that one day he would finally trust her.

But now it was sour.

~

Anger was radiating through her and pain coated her words.

"I know you love me. I can see it. Hell, anyone with eyes can see it. But you've never given me your heart."

Tears flowed as she said it, and her knees were threatening to fall out from under her.

"Because if you had, you would have given me this. You would have let me help you through this. I kno-"

"You shut the fuck up. You don't know."

"Yes, I do -"

He grabbed her by the arms, and hauled her against him, just like the day in front of the couch.

"NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!!!"

She didn't flinch this time, just watched as tears flowed down his face.

"Your mother died. It was her time."

He let go of her, his body seemingly deflating of anger.

"My mother was murdered. She was stolen from me." The anger came back as he thought of his mothers killer. "So don't try to say you know, because you fucking don't."

He walked to the door and reached for the knob.

"You're right Spike. I don't know." He turned to look at her, "Because you won't tell me. You won't let me in. I've tried to prove to you that I love you, because I do. God, do I love you." She gave a small humorless laugh, " And I've tried to prove to you that you can trust me."

He snorted as she said it, and she looked at him with disgust.

"But maybe it's not enough."

His head shot up, and his eyes dared her to finish.

"Because my love and trust isn't enough for the both of us."

He grabbed the knob so hard it felt like his skin was going to burst.

"I hardly even know you, you won't tell me anything. Everything is bottled inside of you, and it's killing you. It's killing us."

"No pet, I'd say you killed us." He looked at her then, "We were happy. Everything was perfect."

"We were happy most of the time. I know you were happier than you've been in a long time. Because I took you away, made you forget for awhile. But it was still there, Spike! Its always there. Don't you see?" His eyes narrowed, "We have to skirt around things, not talk about them because it might pertain to the M word. I can't even talk to you about my mother! Do you honestly think we can go forever like this? Look at us! You were ready to tear my head off just for reading your journal." He looked away, knowing it was the truth. "Don't you see Giles and Jenny, Spike? Do you think they're happy? They may look it and they may have some happy moments, but do you know what their lives consist of? It consists of Jenny trying to get in, and Giles pushing her out."

"What is happening to my father is his own fault."

She continued on as if he hadn't spoken.

"I can see it, Spike. Everyday she resents him a little more, and everyday he pulls farther away from her. He hardly even leaves that damn study. He lives in there drunk, trying to keep the world away."

She could see that her words were affecting him. And hers became softer with her next breath.

"I don't want that to happen to us. I never want to look at you with anything but love. I don't want to end up like them, but it's already happening. I can't help but to hate it when you won't let me in."

Her eyes pleaded with him even more than her mouth.

"Please, Spike."

His mother's face floated behind his eyes, and pain ran through him like fire.

"I can't."

Her knee's gave away, and she hit the floor.

"Then neither can I."

He looked at her and a sob hitched his chest.

"I'd rather live without you, loving you as I do now, than to live with you in hate."

She stood up on numb legs and walked to the phone in a daze. She picked it up and dialed her father's cell phone, speaking her last words to him before her father answered.

"I never thought it would turn out like this. But I guess you always hurt the one you love."

Spike watched her back, and the pain he felt about his mother was welcome compared to this.

Buffy looked out the window of the car her father had sent for her.

She looked up and down the busy streets trying to catch one last glimpse of him.

He was gone when she hung up the phone, and he was gone when she explained things to Jenny.

She knew it was her fault.

If she had only put the journal back in his jacket, he would have came home and they would have made love until they couldn't move.

But a part of her was relieved.

Because if they had have kept going as they were, it would have destroyed them.

Leaving him was the one thing she never thought she would do. She always thought that not even death's icy grip could tear them apart.

But she was wrong.

She thought about the things she read in the journal, and she could understand now why Spike was who he was.

She didn't know how he held it inside him, he was stronger than she could ever be.

But then she thought, maybe he was weaker.

Because after two months of holding it inside she cracked, she had poured her heart out to someone she didn't know, trying to rid herself of the misery.

And it made her stronger.

~~~~~~~

The car pulled to a stop outside two large iron gates, and the door opened for her.

Buffy stepped out and glanced around her. The cemetary was far off the road, so except for the driver, she was alone .

She held the yellow roses tight as she passed the gates and made her way down the rows, passing names and years.

She walked past the Weeping Willow tree, running her hand through the long, fine branches.

She stopped when she caught sight of the gravestone, seeing it for the first time.

She sank to her knee's and hugged the cold marbel, the Willow tree caressing her back as it blew with the wind.

~~~~~~~

Spike walked on auto-pilot to the Liquer store.

He pushed his way through street, not caring that his face was wet with tears or that he was still crying.

"This is what I need.", he said to himself as he paid for the bottle of whiskey.

The clerk had to wrestle the bottle away from him to put it in a bag. He walked out the store and jerked the lid off, taking three big gulps, before bending over and gagging.

He didn't mind that people were watching him.

Who the fuck cared? He didn't have anything to lose.

At least, not anymore.

~~~~~~~

"Hey mommy."

Buffy laid the roses down, and wiped at her eyes.

"How are you?"

She laughed a bit, thinking that her mother couldn't hear her.

But when the wind rustled the soft leaves, and the ends of them tickled the sides of her face, she turned back to the headstone with a smile, tears running yet again.

"Good, huh?"

She traced her mothers name with her fingertips, and softly whispered the name back to herself.

"I miss you so much. I could really use your help right now."

She scrubbed at her face and ran her fingers through her hair, unconciously mimicking Spike.

"I love him so much mommy. And I want to help him so bad, but he won't let me. Why won't he let me? Why?"

She pounded at the ground with her fists, wishing that if she knocked enough, her mother would answer.

"I don't want to lose him. It's killing me momma. I can't live without him, but I left. Why, why did I leave? What should I have done? What did I do wrong?"

She looked up to the heavens, as if she were expecting an answer.

"But a part of me thinks it's for the best. And how can that be, how can being without him be best, when my heart and soul are crying out for him?"

She looked back at the stone, and saw her reflection staring back at her, weary and ragged.

"How am I supposed to live?"

~~~~~~~

Spike stumbled up the steps softly humming to himself.

The bottle of Jack was gone.

Or at least gone straight to his head.

He was singing idle songs and lyrics trying to do anything to keep Buffy off his mind.

"Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark."

And he was so caught up in his task, he didn't realize the song he was singing was the one him and Buffy had first danced to.

"Nothing I could do total eclipse of the heart."

He pushed the door open to Buffy's room, and when he found it empty he fell to his knees.

He looked around the room trying to find her, and anywhere she might have hidden all of her stuff.

But there was nothing.

No clothes, no Mr. Gordo, and no Buffy.

He crawled to the bed and climbed on, still singing through his tears and hiccups.

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart."

He sobbed himself to sleep, clutching her pillow.

The bedroom door creaked open and Spike shot up, headache be damned.

"Buffy?"

Blurry eyes stared at the figure in the doorway.

"No."

He dropped back to the bed, the pounding in his head finally getting his attention.

"What the fuck do you want?"

He groaned at Giles, who walked inside the room closing the door with a bang.

"Fuck!"

He gasped as he tried to keep his eyes in their sockets.

"My God. Look at you."

Giles shook his head at the smell of whiskey, and the sight of Spike sprawled fully clothed across the bed.

"Do you think this is what she wants? It's no wonder she left."

Spike was off the bed and in his father's face before the sentence was finished.

"Oh, you would know wouldn't you? You know all about leaving."

Spike stalked back toward the bed, "You don't know anything about me and Buffy."

"No, I don't. But I do know a thing or two about love."

Spike whirled around with a hysterical laugh, and pinned his father with his gaze.

"Oh you do, do you? Is love what made you leave us? Is love wha-"

His voice broke into a sob, and his throat was on fire with the pain of trying to keep tears away.

"You bastard. If you loved us you wouldn't have left! You would have been there when- You left us there! You left her, let her die without you! You didn't fucking love us!" He looked at Giles with tears streaming down his face, "Do you wanna know what she was doing when it happened? Huh? Do you want to know what she was doing when the bullet ripped through her chest?!"

Giles started shaking his head and backing toward the door. Spike followed him, mindless of his own grief, speaking words that had been building inside him for nearly a decade.

"I'll fucking tell you what she was doing, she was writing you a letter."

Spike clenched his eyes shut, the image of his mother sitting on their deck crying, penning a letter sizzling on his brain.

"She was still alive when I got to her. Sti- still holding the letter."

Spike flew past him, and went in his room. Giles could hear things being thrown around until Spike came back through holding something.

"This. This is what she was writing."

Spike shoved the paper at him, and he opened it with numb fingers.

It was covered in blood and he could only make out three words.

I love you.

"She loved you more than anything, even when she was dying because of you, it never failed. How? How could she love you when you left her there to die?"

The tears ran endlessly down their faces. Giles clutched the letter to him, and Spike felt something he hadn't felt in a long time at the sight of him.

Giles looked up at him, and Spike took a step back from the smoldering look he was emitting.

"I love you."

The words were not what he expected, and Spike scoffed at him, shaking his head.

He had forgotten that his agility came from his father, until he was pinned against the door.

Giles held Spike's face in his hands, and Spike thought for a moment that he was going to slam his head against the wall.

His hands were shaking and his grip was bruising, his breathing was hard and every other one came out as a sob.

"You listen to me. I love you."

Spike's tears were soaking Giles' hands and he was shaking his head, clenching his eyes shut, trying to tune out his words.

Giles shook Spike's head once, trying to get his attention.

"Listen to me!" Spike's eyes popped open, "Do you honestly think that if I had thought for one second he would've come after her, that I would have left? Do you?!"

Spike looked at Giles, seeing him for the first time in years.

"Answer me! Do you think I would have left?"

Spike slowly shook his head.

"Don't you think I have to suffer enough? I know I should have been there! I know." His voice trailed into a whisper, "I live with it everyday."

He dropped to the floor on his knees.

"Why did he go after her? It was me! I was the one he hated! He should've killed me! He was supposed to come after me, not her."

He was babbling, and Spike dropped to his knees as well. He jumped back when Giles hands latched onto his arms in a vice grip.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I should have known! Why didn't I realize? Of course he would have went after her, he didn't want me dead."

He looked at his son with lifeless green eyes.

"He wanted me to suffer."

After eight years of being blind to the truth, in five short minutes Spike's eyes had been opened

He had pushed the memories so far away, that the truth had been concealed.

He had resented his father for leaving anyway, not understanding the severity of the situation.

And when his mother had been murdered it was automically Giles' fault for not being there, because dads were supposed to protect their families.

He didn't realize until now that Giles had thought that was what he was doing.

He had looked for any reason his mother should still be alive, anything different that might have saved her.

And when Giles had ran into the police station the next day, he found his answers.

It was his fault for doing the things he did as a teenager, his fault for making enemies, and his fault for leaving her there to die.

His young mind was as set as stone.

Giles may not have pulled the trigger, but he had killed her.

He pushed the memories away, never thinking of anything beside the fact it was his father's fault.

And in doing that he had pushed the memory of Giles ripping their house to shreds, staying at her graveside for two days after the funeral, and the times he woke up to hear him begging for another chance.

He remembered them now, he remembered the times he would hear him beg God to please give him another chance, to bring her back and take him instead.

And he realized something that broke his heart again.

He still missed his mother, but he missed his daddy too.

He gathered Giles in his arms and cradled him as the both they both cried.

And for the first time since she had said them, he remembered his mother's last words.

"Everything happens for a reason."

Spike stood in line at the liquer store, waiting to pay for two bottles of whiskey.

He thought about the things that had happened today.

The way his father had begged forgivness from him, when he himself should have been the one asking.

But he knew Giles had needed to hear the words.

And he'll never forget the look that passed across his face when he had said them.

"I forgive you, daddy."

He had broke down again, clinging to an equally torn up Spike, thanking him and telling him how much he loved him.

And Spike had cursed himself for putting Giles through torment, when he already lived there.

~~~

Tonight Spike had two bottles, one for him and one for Giles.

They had finally let go of something that had plagued them for years.

Now when they remembered Anne, it would be the good times they shared with her.

They had battled the memories so long that they hadn't even really thought of her, only her murder.

So tonight they would remember.

~~~~~~~

Buffy sat down on the soft grass covering her mother's grave.

The only time she stayed at her dad's place was when she slept.

And that was when she cried herself to sleep.

She visited her mother everyday, and she was thankful that they had decided to bury her in L.A., where she was born.

She talked to her nonstop, telling her anything and everything that crossed her mind.

In other words, she talked about Spike.

~~~

Each night when she went into the house she checked her cell phone and her dad's caller i.d.

And everynight there was nothing.

It killed her that he hadn't tried to call, and she could only hope that he was trying to straighten himself up.

But her biggest fear was that he was living in a bottle somewhere.

That thought made her want to run to him.

But she knew that if she did they would fall into the same routine, and he would never face his feelings.

And she knew that as much as she had helped him, she had hurt him too.

She was like a drug to him, she would take him away for awhile, but soon reality creeped back in and he would cling to her a little harder each time.

And she knew, just as she had told him, that they could never last like that.

Not until they were ready to fully give themselves to the other.

And as much as he didn't want to be, he was just like his father.

She heard Giles at night, listened when she wasn't supposed to, and she knew that he needed saving as much as Spike.

Jenny truly loved Giles and she did try to be there for him.

But she didn't try to help him, she tried to pacify him.

Because it had taken its toll on her as well.

And Buffy knew that she and Spike were heading in that direction.

And she never wanted to be like that.

When she looked at Spike she wanted it to be in love, she never wanted to resent him. And she knew she would if something didn't change.

And since Spike wouldn't, she had to do it herself by leaving.

Maybe one day he would be ready to share with her, to give himself fully to her.

And she would wait for that day.

Even if she died before it came.

Buffy shot up when her cell phone rang.

She had been lying in bed thinking of Spike and crying, and when her phone rang she nearly fell off the bed.

She knocked everything off the bedside table blindly searching for the phone. She finally saw the lit up keypad and grabbed it just as it quit ringing.

"No!"

Her fingers were trembling so hard she pressed the wrong button twice before the missed call list popped up.

She started crying again when she read the lone name on the list.

Spike

~~~

She held the phone shakily to her ear, and only heard one soft ring before it was answered.

"Buffy?"

She couldn't stop the torrent of tears at the sound of his voice.

"Spike?"

"Oh, Buffy. It's- I-"

She could hear his tears falling, and then she heard him begin to hiccup.

"Spike-"

She was cut off before she could finish her sentence.

"Buffy, I'm comin' to see you. Just- just hold on, I'm on the way! I'll be righ- Wait. Where are you?"

She tried to stop the anger from rising within her. Tried to tell herself that this was his way of dealing.

And also, one of the reasons she had to leave.

He hadn't changed, and it made her think that maybe he really didn't want her.

Maybe he just used her.

She was there, right across the hall from him.

Convenient.

She barely kept her anger hidden.

"You're drunk."

She could practically hear him shaking his head.

"No! No, I'm not. I'm- maybe just a little."

"Is this what you've been doing since I've been gone? Don't you even realize that this is why I left? Because you would rather drink yourself into your own little painless world for awhile, instead facing your problems."

"No, Buffy I- that's why I called! I had to tell you-"

"Your drunk. Anything you want to say to me, can be said when you're sober."

"But-"

"No Spike! Do you even know what time it is?"

His voice grew small and was coated in tears.

"I-I'm sorry. I just wanted to hear your voice."

Her heart melted and the anger left her body.

"I know. I'm sorry too, it's just- you don't even understand."

"I will Buffy! I promise, just tell me!"

She let out a sigh, scrubbing her hand across her wet face.

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"But I do! I think about you all the time, your always here, everything I do! I miss you, Buffy."

She dropped back to the bed, and pictured him laying beside her.

"I miss you too, so much."

"Then let me come, Buffy! Please let me come and get you! I can't do it without you!"

"Yes you can. You have to."

She heard his sigh of defeat, and screwed her eyes shut with his next words.

"I love you, baby."

"I love you too."

"Do you think about me?"

She let out a small laugh, "Every second."

She heard something slosh, and knew he was taking another drink.

"Spike."

He let out a disgusted sound before he answered.

"Yeah, sweet love?"

Some of her anger faded at her pet name, but most of it stayed still.

"Call me when you find yourself somwhere beside's the bottom of a bottle."

He could hear her soft sobs before she disconnected. He looked at the bottle in his hand and let it drop to the floor.

He watched it spill into the carpeting, while memories of his mother entwined with memories of Buffy.

And he knew that even though one battle had ended, another was still going strong.

The next week went by like a century.

Spike had went through withdrawls that would rival a twenty year heroin addict's.

He had been sober since the night he called her. And now he wanted a drink more than ever.

Because he was aware.

He wasn't in a drunken haze anymore, now it slapped him in the face that she was really gone.

But then, she wasn't.

Because even though she was a hundred miles away, she was all around him.

Everywhere he looked she was there.

He would remember things that had happened, things that she had said.

Her scent, her image, things she liked, everything reminded him of her.

And how she was gone.

~~~

"Dad?"

Giles looked up at Spike who was standing in the doorway of his study.

They had talked almost everyday since the floodgates had opened. It would never be the same as it once was.

But maybe it would be better.

"Yes?"

Spike scratched his eyebrow with his thumbnail and looked at the floor to hide his tears, but Giles saw them.

"Come sit."

Giles looked at the couch beside his armchair and Spike plopped down, resting his head against the back.

"Now, which one is it?"

"Buffy."

Giles nodded his head, already knowing it was the absent blonde causing today's tears.

"She- I miss her. So much. God I can't- I don't know what I'm going to do!"

Giles gave him a sad little smile, and squeezed his arm.

"You go on, try to live. Try to let it make you stronger instead of weaker."

Spike gave him a look, "Like you have?"

Giles pulled his hand away and sat back against his chair.

Spike sighed and sat forward trying to catch his father's eye.

"I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't mean that -"

Giles gave a humorless laugh and pulled his glasses away to wipe his eyes.

"But it was true. I'm not giving you advice from personal experience, Will. I'm just telling you what I would have done if I had another chance."

He looked at Spike, a lone tear cutting a path down his cheek.

"Actually, if I had another chance-" He paused, pondering what exactly he would have done. "I would take us away. Just the three of us. I don't care if we had to run forever, never settling down, it would be worth it. Just to have her back. Just to hold her again, tell her how much I love her. And I would fight, my God, I would fight for her. Anything that came our way. Nothing would touch her. I would be there to protect her."

He finally ran out of breath and sat back, closing his eyes.

He sat back up and looked at Spike with glassy eyes.

"I don't have another chance. But you do."

Spike sat forward on the couch, listening intently.

"You have to do this on your own. But there's no reason she can't be beside you." Giles grabbed his hand, "Because if you love her, truly love her as you say you do, then you have to fight. You have to overcome this inside you, you have to face it."

Spike turned tearful eyes on him, and Giles gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I can't do it without her."

"Then you have to let her in. You have to push your damned pride out of the way, and let her help you. That's why she's gone, son. You pushed her away." Spike opened his mouth to protest, "It's the truth. Even if it didn't look like it or feel like it, that's what happened. You're so afraid of being hurt that you hurt yourself. There is a chance that you could get hurt, actually it's more of a probability. But there's an even bigger chance that it'll be wonderful. That it would be so good you think your heart might burst from it. You have to take a chance, William."

Spike let the words sink in.

Could he risk it? Could he risk what was left of his heart?

*I love you, William*

Yes.

~~~

The front door opened and they sat up, wiping their eyes.

"Rupert?"

Spike listened as Jenny walked through the house toward the study. He looked back at Giles and could see the anticipation on his face.

"You know Dad-"

Spike clapped his father on the back and watched as Jenny appeared in the doorway,

"Maybe you do have a second chance."

It took him nearly four hours to get to her.

Not only was the traffic horrid because of the thunderstorm currently pounding out it's fury, he got lost.

Three times.

By the time he reached her father's mansion he was ready to roll the window down and yell her name until he found her.

He knew it was the place from the scant description he'd haggled out of Jenny. He parked the car and just sat there staring at the house.

She was in there, just on the other side of the door.

And he couldn't get his legs to work.

What if she turned him down? What if she had finally decided she didn't want a broken man?

"This is the problem, mate."

He was talking to himself now. What next?

But he knew this was the problem, this fear building inside of him. He couldn't let it keep him from his life.

He couldn't let it keep him from Buffy.

~~~~~~~

He knocked on the door quickly, afraid of losing his nerve.

He was soaking wet, his teeth were chattering, but he didn't feel it.

All he could feel was the hammering in his chest.

And when the door opened his lungs failed him.

"Spike?"

Buffy looked at him, standing in front of her soaked to the bone and teeth chattering.

But it was the smile on his face that had her attention.

"Buffy."

When he spoke her name, she couldn't help but to throw herself at him.

He caught her and brought her to him, holding on to each other so tight that neither one of them could breath.

But they didn't care.

Who needed air? They had each other.

The rain fell and lightning flashed, but they didn't see it.

They were in the middle of their own storm.

Their lips came together with a clap of thunder, but the kiss was still rolling long after the thunder faded.

And when they finally broke apart, the sun shone down on them.

~~~

Spike looked at Buffy sitting beside him on the couch.

Their hands were entwined so he brought them up for a kiss. He looked in her eyes as he placed a tender kiss on the back of her hand and saw the dark look that passed over her face. He frowned and layed their hands back down on the sofa.

"Buffy? Is something wrong?"

She pulled her hand away and ran it through her long hair.

"No. Yes. I mean- I don't know."

She let out a ragged sigh, and hid her face in her hands.

"Buffy, tell me."

She pulled her hands away and the tears fell freely.

"This isn't going to work."

Her words hit him like a sledge hammer.

"Buffy-"

She cut him off, jumping to her feet.

"I mean, you coming here, sweeping me off my feet isn't changing anything! It's still the same, Spike! I told you on the phone-"

He cut her off this time, standing in front of her he lifted her chin to bring her eyes to his.

"I know." She looked confused, drawing her eyebrows together. "I didn't come to "Sweep you off your feet", I came because I need to talk to you."

He had to hide a small smile because she actually looked a little disappointed.

"Talk?"

Fear slammed into her this time.

Oh God, what if he found somebody else?

"Yeah, sweet love. Talk."

As always her pet name melted some fear, but not enough to matter.

"Wh- what about?"

He could see the fear in her eyes, so he lead her to the couch and sat her down. He sat next to her and took her hand in his.

Which must not have helped at all, since she was currently going into a panic attack.

"Buffy, it's not what your thinking, so just calm down love."

She let out a breath and looked at him.

It was then that she noticed he was fighting fear as well.

"Spike?"

He sucked in a breath and started talking, knowing if he stalled he might lose his nerve.

"I talked to my dad. Got some things worked out."

Buffy smiled a brilliant smile at him and squeezed his hand.

"Spike! That's wonderful!"

"Like I said, we talked, got some things aired out. He said some things that opened my eyes. Made me realize I was about to lose something that could make me whole."

He looked at her, and fresh tears stained their cheeks.

"My heart. It's not much, it's battered and it's bruised."

He brought her hand to his heart, and placed his over it.

"But it's yours."

A tear dropped onto their hands.

"I'm ready now, Buffy. I'm ready to give it to you. But not just my heart. Everything, I want to give it all to you. If you still want it."

She smiled a teary smile, and squeezed his chest with her hand.

"Mine."

He closed his eyes and sucked in a harsh breath.

"Spike, we don't have to do this now. We can wait a little while."

"No. I mean, I need to do this now. I need to get it out before- before I lose it."

She squeezed his hand, trying to ease his nerves. She made herself more comfortable on the couch, knowing she would be there awhile.

"I guess I should start at the beginning. When my dad was young, about eighteen, he got into alot of trouble. He was always kinda geeky, following in his father's footsteps, doing anything and everything he said. Well, when dad started university, he met this guy."

He pulled his hand away from her's and began fidgeting.

"Ethan Rayne. He was trouble. He was poor, well not exactly poor, but his family wasn't as well off as dad's. Ethan's father had to scrimp and save to get him into the school. He was dad's roomate, and he resented him. Because dad had everything he wanted. Anyway, he hardly ever went to class, got into trouble all the time. He would make fun of dad for always doing his homework and attending his classes. He kept on and on until he finally skipped class with him one day. They went to a pub and got drunk, not coming back until the next day. They started going to the pub more, and got into some drugs as well. They had called my grandparents and Ethan's parents about a hundred times, but nothing would help. They started getting into fights. I mean brawls, people would be carried away on stretchers."

He looked at her and could see the shock on her face.

"Well they finally got kicked out of school and their parents wouldn't let them come home. They found crappy little jobs, just to get money for drugs and booze, and they lived with some girl Ethan had been seeing. One night they went to the pub, they had been doing acid all night and when they walked in the owner told them to get out, said he didn't want any of that going on in his place. Ethan flew off the handle. He grabbed a chair and threw it at the guy, he started hitting him with it and when the chair finally broke, he started grabbing bottles. My dad didn't know what to do, I mean, there wasn't much he could do, he was so tripped out. The other customers were terrified and by the time someone finally called the police, and worked up the nerve to try to get Ethan off of him, the guy was nearly dead. They were both arrested and the guy almost died, he stayed in a coma for about a month. My dad got off easy. They only charged him with drug use, and he was on probation for about a year. But Ethan was charged with assualt and battery, drug use, and he also had drugs on him. He had been dealing them for a little while, so he was charged with that also. He got twenty years."

"It must have scared my dad to death or woke him up because he went to my grandparents and begged them to help him. He went to a clinic for awhile, and when he got out, he started back to school. He had to work even harder because of his reputation, people looked down on him, his professors, his schoolmates. So he just stayed in his room working on his studies. He graduated with honors, but he had a hard time finding a job. Everyone knew about his past, so he had to get a job as a librarian in the next town. That's where he met her."

He had a small smile on his face as he remembered his mother.

"She came in all the time. She would pick out a book and read it front to back. He said he just watched her the first few times, sitting there lost in the book. One day he finally worked up the nerve to ask her out, and before he even said anything, he said that she looked up at him and said yes."

He gave a little laugh, and glanced at Buffy who had a small smile of her own.

"They got married about a year later and I was born that following fall. We were so happy, my dad had finally gotten a better job, we were living in a great house, everything was perfect. Until the calls started. Dad didn't think much about them until someone came to house. They told him that Ethan was out on parole, and he was gunning for him. He had spent all those years in jail hating my dad. He had found out about his job and family, and was livid. He resented him for having what he thought he deserved, and for not getting in trouble when he was sent to prison. I didn't understand, I saw my dad packing his things and mum crying and I thought he was just leaving us. And that's when a part of me started hating him. I remember taking him to the airport and I remember how he nearly missed the plane because he wouldn't let go of us. He went to New York thinking that Ethan would follow him there. He didn't want him anywhere near us. That's why he left, I can see it now."

He got up and began pacing, tears falling.

"I couldn't see it before, all I could see was him leaving us. He was gone about three months. My mum cried every night, writing and calling him constantly."

He stopped and his eyes were a million miles away.

"I remember it, the day. That morning I kissed her goodbye and took off to school, we didn't live for from it so I walked. I had a good day at school, I had written a poem for her. I was reading over it on the way home and I didn't even notice the car speeding by, not until it slammed on the brakes.
I looked up and it was stopped right in front of my house. I saw my mum sitting there, she was on the deck, writing a letter to dad. And when the gun went off I looked at the car just in time to see them jerk the gun back inside and speed away."

His breathing was hard and he was nearly hysterical, he hit the floor with his knees.

"I looked back at her and she looked at me. She didn't look at the car, she looked at me. And when it hit her, she never looked away until she hit the ground."

She moved in front of him, grabbing his hands, but he wasn't with her.

"When I got there she was- she was still alive. She was just looking at the ceiling, still holding her letter. Sh- she never looked at me, but she talked to me. She said that she loved me and she loved dad, that she would never leave us. And she said that things- things happen for a reason."

He looked confused, and he was still staring straight through her.

"I don't know who called the police, don't know how long I sat there with her. The next thing I remember was my dad running into the police station."

She caressed the side of his face, trying to bring him back to her. His eyes snapped to her face and the dam broke.

She held him to her as he wept, her tears soaking his hair.

~~~

They sat there crying for hours.

He finally pulled away, and gave her a shy smile.

"God, we cry more than anybody should. I'm sorry."

She kissed his cheek, and playfully tugged on his ears.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, do you hear?"

He smiled as she repeated his words, running a shakey hand through her hair.

"I love you, Buffy. I love you so much. I don't know what I've done to deserve you-"

She cut him off with a sweet kiss.

"Hush now. I love you too, William."

He smiled and picked her up, sitting down with her on the couch.

She snuggled down into his arms and sighed, her next words making him cry all over again.

"I'm the lucky one."

Buffy ran her fingers softly through Spike's touseled curls.

She was laying on the couch and he was lying between her legs with his head resting against her stomach. She let out a soft giggle when he mumbled in his sleep and his moving lips tickled her bare skin.

He had worn himself out with his confession and had soon fallen asleep against her.

But she didn't mind.

In fact, she was pretty sure she could live the rest of her life just like this.

~~~

"Buffy."

Sleepy green eyes popped open to look into mischievious blue.

"There's my sweet love."

He ran his hand down her smiling face, softly cupping her soft cheek.

"Mmm. What time is it?"

"Two thirty."

"What?!"

Spike made a face at her loud screech. "Sorry love, I didn't want your dad coming in to find his daughter with a punk between her legs."

She rolled her eyes, but also understood.

"Don't worry. He's out of town."

Spike narrowed his eyes at the sad look passing across her face. How could that asshole just up and leave her here?

"I'm sorry, baby."

"Don't worry about it." she said smiling up at him.

He gave her a quick wink and a soft tickle, which sent her into a fit of giggles.

"Are you sleepy?"

"Not really."

"What do you wanna do?"

Spike leered playfully at her, licking his lips.

"Well pet, I could think of a few things."

Buffy smacked him against the chest. "You're a pig."

"Yeah."

She looked over at his smirking face and debated asking her next question.

Finally curiosity won.

"Spike?"

"Uh hunh?"

"What happened to Ethan?"

He rubbed his hands down his thighs and rested his head against the back of the couch before turning it to face her.

"He's dead. " He knew what her next question would be. "No, my dad didn't do it. He would have if it weren't for me, but he knew I needed him since mum was gone."

"Our next door neighbor saw it happen and the police caught him a couple of hours later. He had the murder weapon and the guy testified against him, so he was put away pretty quick. He got life, but he tried to be head honcho at the pen and got cut down about two months after she died. You would have thought his death would have made us feel better, but it didn't. If he was still alive I'd probably try to off him myself."

She covered his hand with hers and returned the small smile he sent her.

"How did you get to Sunnydale?"

"We stayed in England for about a year, but it was so hard living in the house where it happened. When school started back I went to a boarding school while dad went to New York to finish up some business. While he was there they offered him a position at a school in California and he jumped at it, hoping it might help. Like a fresh start, you know?" Buffy nodded her head. "Two months later I was on my way to becoming an American citizen."

She nodded again, this time trying to stifle a yawn.

"Sleepy, love?"

"Just a bit."

He smiled at her drooping eyes and scooped her up, heading for the stairs. She told him where her room was and he carried her in, laying her on the bed. She watched with sleepy eyes as he shed his shirt and shoes. He stopped at the side of the bed and sent her a shy look, asking for permission. She smiled and reached for his hand.

"Come to bed, my love."

He gave her his hand as his heart swelled at her words.

He snuggled in and wrapped his arms tightly around her. He felt her soft eyelashes fluttering against his chest as she tried to stay awake. He placed a sweet kiss against her forehead and laid his cheek against her hair, closing his eyes.

"Go to sleep, sweet girl. Tommorrow starts our new life."

"William Giles."

Spike walked gracefully across the stage and accepted his diploma. He looked into the crowd and found his love, blowing a sweet kiss to his cheering girl.

Buffy bounced up and down, wildly cheering and waving at him with Giles and Jenny beside her doing the same.

She smiled and sent a kiss back to him.

It had been four months since Spike had shown up on Hank's doorstep and Buffy had moved back to Sunnydale a week later.

They had decided to take things slow, and had even stayed in their own bedrooms.

Most of the time.

It had taken a while for things to settle down, and even longer for it to even resemble what it once had been.

But it would never be the same, they were different people now.

They were stronger and wiser, they had grown together.

Giles had helped Spike buy the small house next door to their own. It was much smaller, having only one floor, but it was big enough for them.

Spike was already living in the house, working to get it fully furnished before Buffy moved in.

Giles didn't want Buffy to move in until either they were married or she finished school. He never came out at told her no and he couldn't stop her if she decided to move in anyway, but Giles was like a father to her and she respected him.

Besides, she was over there every waking minute and had snuck back into her room just before sunrise more than once.

Spike was graduating with honors and had been offered a position at Sunnydale Elementary as a fourth grade English Teacher. His goal was to be a professor and he would teach at the elementary while working to maintain his masters degree.

Buffy was heading into her second year of psychology and wanted to be a counselor, hoping to use her unfortunate past to help someone else.

Spike sat in his seat and thought of all that had happened over the past two years.

He had regained his life, found the woman of his dreams, and was happier than he had ever been. The only thing that could make his life better was having his mother with him and for Buffy to have Joyce.

But he couldn't have that.

And he knew that his mother and the woman that would have been his mother in law, were happy.

He liked to think that maybe they were looking down on them together.

Maybe Joyce had sent him to Buffy and Anne had sent Buffy to him.

Who knows?

Everything happens for a reason.

~~~~~~~

"Where are we?"

Buffy held onto Spike as he walked beside her.

He had shown up at her bedroom door with a rose and a blindfold. He finally sweet talked her into wearing the blindfold, promising a special surprise if she cooperated.

He had walked her to the car and sat her down before climbing in the other side. They hadn't been driving five minutes when he pulled to a stop. He had pulled something from the backseat before opening her door and helping her out. They had been walking for a while before he softly stepped in front of her, causing her to crash into his chest.

"We're here."

"And just where is here?"

He chuckled before dropping a light kiss on her nose.

"Settle down, my sweet love."

As always the name calmed her nerves. She felt him walk behind her and begin to untie the blindfold.

When she opened her eyes, they were blurred with tears.

He had brought her to the hill that they had came to on their surprise date.

His arms came around her and he hooked his chin on her shoulder after a quick kiss was pressed to her cheek.

"It's beautiful."

She smiled as she looked at the stars winking down on them. It looked almost the same as it had the night she gave him her heart.

"Nothing compared to you."

She turned in his arms and smiled up at him as she remembered him saying it before.

"Pick one."

He smiled at her and looked at the stars, before shaking his head and making a face.

"Nah."

She looked up at him in confusion and he smiled down at her, running his hand across her cheek.

"Who needs a star? I've got you."

Her lip trembled before it was caught with his.

They poured their love and devotion into each other, and when they broke apart they were both brought to tears.

Spike wiped Buffy's tears away, and she pushed a kiss onto his fingers when they passed her mouth.

"Buffy."

"Spike?"

He looked toward the sky for a moment and when he turned back to her, she nearly staggered at the amount of love in his eyes.

"I can't give you the stars. And I can't give you all the things you deserve."

He dropped to his knee and pulled the small box out of his pocket.

"But I can love you like no one else can. I know I don't deserve you. There's nothing in this world I could do to make me deserve you. But I want to try."

He opened the box and the ring sparkled in the moonlight.

" I'll spend the rest of my life loving you and making you happy. Please Buffy-"

He looked into her eyes and pulled the ring from it's box.

"Say you'll be my wife."

She was crying to hard to say anything so she nodded her head and gave him her hand. He slid the ring onto her shaking finger and pulled it to his lips for a tearful kiss.

She fisted her hands into his shirt and pulled him up to her, capturing his lips with a soul burning kiss.

She broke away and kissed his cheek over and over, a soft "yes" between each kiss.

He buried his face in her hair,

"I promise, my love. I promise to love you more with every breath. God! I love you so much!"

She laughed into his neck and placed a kiss there.

"I love you too! Oh God, How I love you, William."

He pulled back and brushed the soft hair back away from her face.

"Love me forever?"

She smiled and pulled him to the ground on top of her.

"Forever."

He kissed her and ran his hands down her body. She moaned and brought her legs up to wrap around his waist. He kissed his way from her lips to her neck.

"Make love to me."

He pulled back and searched her face.

"Here, pet?"

She pulled his shirt up and over his head, bringing her hands down to unbuckle his belt.

"Here."

He pulled back from her and grasped the hem of her sun dress, slipping it over her head and baring her to his gaze.

Thanking God that he brought the blanket, he lowered her back down and ran his hands up her legs to pull down her panties.

He sucked in a breath and threw them onto her dress.

"You're so beautiful, Buffy."

She pulled his face to hers for a soft kiss while lowering his zipper. She pulled him out of the confines of his jeans and brought him to her.

He pulled back, trying to kiss his way down her body. She pulled his head back up, and he gave her a strange look.

"Please Spike. I need you inside me."

He let out a low moan and nodded his head, positioning himself between her legs.

"I love you."

He softly pushed into her. She arched against him, her eyes never leaving his.

"I love you too."

It was better than the first time.

He thrust wildly within her and she met each one with her own vigor.

It was fire, and it was consuming them.

He held onto her, bringing his forehead down onto hers.

"I love you. I love you so much, Buffy."

"Yes! I love you too, Will. Ohhhh!"

Her body arched into his with ecstacy, bringing him to his own.

Their eyes were wide, and their breathing was wild, clutching at each other as if they might float away.

"Be my wife?"

"I already said yes."

"Just checking."

~~~~~~~

The wind blew hard against Buffy and Spike as they made their way down a narrow path.

Spike clung to her hand and she could feel his tremble.

He stopped just short of the stone and sucked in a breath trying to reign in his feelings. Buffy looked up at him, watching him close his eyes to hide the tears. She gave his hand a squeeze and he finally opened them with a new found determination.

They walked up to the stone and Spike couldn't hide the tears anymore. He dropped to his knee's and Buffy went willingly down with him.

He dropped her hand and buried his in the soft grass, flexing his fingers through the blades with his forehead resting against the cold stone.

Buffy softly rubbed his back as he wept, and finally rested her head against his trembling back.

He finally pulled back to face her and she wiped his tears away, kissing him gently.

He gave her a teary smile and turned back to the gravestone.

"Hello, mum. How are you?"

The wind picked up and he turned hopeful eyes to Buffy who gave him a wink.

"I-I miss you so much." The tears started flowing again but he talked through them. "Everyday I think of you. You're always here with me."

He put a hand over his heart and then picked up Buffy's.

"I want you to meet someone. This is Buffy, the woman of my dreams. My fiancee."

He looked at Buffy and this time he gave her hand a soft squeeze.

"Hi. I wish I could have met you, but I know you were an incredible woman. I want you to know that I love your son, and that I'll take care of him. Forever."

The wind softly picked up again, and blew softly against their faces.

They shared a knowing smile.

*Five Years Later*


Buffy waddled through the hallway, smiling as she listened to the curses her husband was spitting.

"Bloody fucking piece of shit!"

She entered the room just in time for a metal bracket to fly past her. She looked at Spike kneeling on the floor panting.

"How goes it?" She asked in an overly chipper voice that was followed by a mischievious smile.

"How does it bloody look?"

Buffy placed her hands on either side of her stomach, almost like she was covering the baby's ears.

"Watch your mouth, Daddy!"

Spike's anger and frustration melted and he crawled over to her on his knees. He caressed her stomach with his hands before placing a soft kiss upon it.

"I'm sorry my loves."

Buffy smiled and ran her fingers through his hair. He placed his ear against her stomach, looking up at her.

"I can hear him!"

"That's indegestion." Buffy snorted.

He looked up at her in mock outrage. "That's my son!"

"I don't think your son was in those tacos, buddy." She said softly rubbing at her burning chest.

Spike stood up and kissed her softly.

"I'm sorry, sweet love."

"Yeah, yeah."

Spike chuckled and made his way back to the half assembled crib. Buffy smiled when he picked up the directions, reading them before turning them over trying to make better sense of it.

"Why don't you just call Xander? He's good at this kinda stuff." She said turning around and walking toward the doorway.

Spike let out a disgusted sound and yelled at her retreating back.

"You think I can't handle this? I've got this!"

Buffy chuckled into her hand when she heard the thud following his words.

"Owww! Bloody- Ughhh !"

~~~~~~

Buffy stood in front of the refrigerator trying to cool her burning body.

"God! What is wrong with me?"

She mumbled softly as she fanned the freezer door. She was on fire and it was December. She rolled her head around and tried to work the soreness from her shoulders. She had been almost miserable from the time she woke up this morning.

She suddenly doubled over as searing pain passed through her body and dry heaved as a wave of nausea hit her.

She stumbled to the phone and grabbed it, blindly hitting the redial button.

"Hello?"

Jenny's voice sounded over the reciever and Buffy opened her mouth only to gag once again. Jenny heard the noise over the line.

"Buffy? Buffy are you alright?!"

"Je- Jenny, help."

Buffy barely choked the words out before she hit the ground.

"Mr. Giles?"

Spike looked up as the school secretary entered his classroom.

"Class continue reading silently."

The students grumbled but began reading.

Spike walked over to the woman and gave her a brief smile.

"Yes, Mrs. Waters?"

"You have a phone call."

Spike checked his watch, "Can you take a message, I've still got about an hour or so until my planning period."

"No Mr. Giles, they insisted on speaking with you."

Spike sighed and walked toward the door, "Can you watch my class for a moment?"

"Yes, of course."

"Thanks."

Spike walked toward the office wondering who could be calling him. He knew it wasn't Buffy because they had a special code for when she went into labor.

Spike brought the phone to his ear after being told which line his call was on.

"Hello?"

"William."

"Dad? Why are calling me at wor-"

"Will, get to the hospital."

Fear struck his body at his father's words.

"What? Wh- What's happened?"

"It's Buffy."

Spike started breathing rapidly and tears began to form.

"Oh- oh God! What is it? What's wrong with her?!"

People in the office stopped and looked as the once calm man became hysterical.

"William, calm dow-"

"No! Tell me what's wrong!"

"Her blood pressure shot up and she went into a seizure-" Spike hit his knees sobbing. "They're fixing to do an emergency c-section to get the baby. He's- he's in danger as well."

Spike stood up and dropped the phone, running to the door, talking as he ran.

"I'll be right there! I'm on my way, hold on- please God! Please take care of them."

~~~~~~~~

The double doors busted open and Spike ran in, eyes searching wildly.

He spotted Giles and Jenny and ran to them.

"What? What's happening? Where is she?!"

Giles stood up and walked to him, placing his hands on his shoulders.

"She's in surgery. They're trying to get the baby out so they can work on her."

"Why? Why is this happening? Everything was going fine!"

"Son, they don't know. Sometimes there is just complications in pregnancy."

The OR door opened and a man in scrubs walked through, pulling off a face mask.

"Mr. Giles?"

Spike ran to him and grasped his arms in a vice grip.

"Are they alright? Please!"

The doctor pulled Spike's hands away and patted his upper arms.

"The baby is fine. A beautiful little boy."

Spike sighed in a short lived relief.

"Buffy? What about her?"

"She slipped into a coma, Mr. Giles. Her blood pressure was just to high. We're doing all we can to get it lowered."

Spike shook his head in disbelief,

"Coma?"

"Yes sir. I'm sorry."

"But why? What happened?"

"These things just happen to certain people, she could be in a coma for a couple of hours or she could never-"

Spike pushed the doctor away, wildly shaking his head.

"Don't! Don't you fucking say that, you hear me?! Don't! She'll wake up. She will, she- I need to see my son!'

"Sir, he-"

"I want to see my son!"

The doctor sighed but nodded his head. "Follow me."

Spike followed the doctor into the nursery and sobbed as the plastic cradle came into sight.

The doctor nodded to a nurse, who picked up the blue bundle and handed him to Spike.

Spike looked at his son's sleeping face and wept. He cradled him close to his heart and placed a kiss against his soft head.

"I want to see my wife."

"Sir, the baby will have to ride in the-"

"I'll carry my son."

"But Sir-"

"Please."

Spike looked at the nurse with his heart shining in his eyes. She softly nodded before checking the corridor, making sure it was empty. He followed her to a room, and nearly hit the floor at the sight on the other side of the door.

"Oh- oh God."

He walked to the bed and sat down carefully in the chair next to the bed, still cradling the baby to his chest.

He could hardly see her face. She had a tube running down her throat and her arms were covered with blood pressure cuffs.

"Buffy? Buffy, please wake up. Look at our son, Buffy! Wake up!"

His tearful plea's woke the baby and they wailed together.

~~~~~~~~

The nurses had finally pried the baby from his arms, and only because he needed to be monitered and fed.

He sat in the chair and stared at her beautiful face.

"I know I don't deserve anything. Let alone her and him. But please, please Lord, don't take her away from me. Please! I don't want to do this without her. I don't wanna live without her! Please, please don't take her from me! Please."

He was crying to hard to finish and buried his head against her arm.

A lone figure stood in the doorway, crying tears of his own.

He never made his presence known, but whispered one solitary word.

"Amen."

'Come back to me.'

Buffy's eyes shot open and immediately slammed shut when blinding pain encompassed her body.

She groaned and cried out as hot tears flowed down her cheeks.

Spike's head shot up at her cries and he grabbed her hand.

"Buffy? Are you awake? Oh, God! Please be awake."

She weakly squeezed his hand and Spike nearly collapsed with joy.

"Thank you God! Oh, thank you so much."

He pushed the emergency alert button and wiped the tears from her face.

"Sweet Love, can you open your eyes?"

She blinked a couple of times trying to see him more clearly.

"Spike?"

He let out a sob at the sound of her scratchy voice.

"Yeah?"

Her eyes widened and she shot up in the bed, looking wildy around the room.

"The baby! Oh, God! Is he okay? Spike where is he?"

He lowered her back down to the bed and took her hands in his again. He gave her a smile full of pride.

"He's fine, love. He's in the nursery, they just fed him."

A look of sadness passed over her face.

"How long was I gone?"

"Six days, fifteen hours and-" He looked at his watch, "twenty nine minutes."

"I missed everything."

New tears began to form and Spike wiped them away once again.

"Love, you couldn't help it. I'm just so thankful you came back to me, I couldn't have done it without you."

She cupped his cheek and he leaned down to capture her lips.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

The nurse walked into the room then and turned to go find the doctor, giving them a few more minutes of privacy.

~~~

The doctor had came and checked Buffy over, telling them the steps they needed take to keep her blood pressure down and told them she could be released in a few days if nothing happened.

The nurse had been sent to get the baby and Buffy clung to Spike as the nurse rolled his little cart into the room.

She sucked in a breath at the sight of her son.

He was beautiful.

Soft dark hair covered his head and eyes as blue as the sea blinked up at her.

She picked him up and brought him to her, crying tears of joy.

"He's perfect, love."

She looked up at Spike and gave a little giggle, awed by the sight of her beautiful boys.

She brought Spike to her for another kiss and pulled him up to sit beside her.

"Did you name him?"

"No. I wanted you to help me."

Buffy nodded her head and cuddled the baby closer to her.

"I have one, it's been in my mind for a while. I've been meaning to talk to you about it, but he came early."

Spike smiled and stroked the baby's soft hair.

"He must have got that from me. Never had much patience."

"I know." Buffy snorted.

"Well, tell me now. Gotta call him something."

"William Sawyer."

Spike looked at her, blinking away tears of his own.

"That was mum's maiden name."

She softly smiled at him and returned the favor of wiping his tears away.

"I know."

"William Sawyer Giles. It's perfect, just like him."

~~~~~~~


The nurse had came in and helped Buffy breast feed William. He had happily latched on and the nurse was astonished at how easily it happened, especially since he had been on formula.

Spike had sat on the bed behind her, amazed at his small family.

He loved them both so much.

Buffy had touched his heart when she named their child after his mother.

William had been fed, as well as Buffy and Spike, so they were just relaxing when the door burst in.

Giles sped through the door with Jenny hot on his heels.

"Do you not know how to pick up a phone, William?" Giles bit out angrily.

They had come to relieve Spike of his vigil over Buffy's bedside so he could get a shower, but had stopped by the nursery first. Imagine their surprise when they were informed the baby was being fed by his mother tonight.

Spike closed his eyes and cursed himself.

How could he forget to call?

He had been so happy and relieved when she awoke that he didn't think of anything.

"Dad, God! I'm so sorry. I just- when she woke up, I couldn't think of anything else. I'm so sorry."

Giles' anger melted, and he softly nodded his head, following Jenny to Buffy's bedside.

Jenny grabbed her and held her tight, sobbing her relief into Buffy's shoulder.

"Thank God, I'm so happy you're awake, baby girl! I was so worried!"

She pulled back and gave Buffy a kiss, then moved away to let an anxious Giles grab onto her.

"Oh, Buffy. I'm so relieved, I don't know what we would have done without you."

Giles squeezed her before letting her go.

Spike brought in another chair for Giles to sit in, while Jenny sat in the recliner.

Buffy inclined the bed into a higher position so she could sit up and Spike moved in beside her.

She traded arms, so that baby Will was facing his grandparents.

Sleepy blue eyes opened and a tiny yawn escaped his mouth. Jenny and Giles were both beaming with pride when Buffy handed him over.

Jenny moved over and let Giles slide in beside her on the roomy seat as they stared at the baby.

"It's amazing, He's like a spitting image of William." Giles said.

Buffy looked back at Spike who gave her a wink.

"Actually, he is William."

"You named him already?" Jenny asked.

"Yeah, his name is William Sawyer Giles."

Giles' head shot up to look at them with teary eyes.

His lip trembled and he nodded his head, a few tears escaping.

"It's beautiful."

Buffy and Spike shared a proud smile.

"Thank you."

~~~~~~~~~~

Spike pulled the Desoto to a stop and looked in the back seat at Buffy.

"Don't move."

He pushed the door open and ran around to her side of the car, jerking the door open and helping her out.

He pulled her to him and gave her a sweet kiss before reaching in for the car seat. He brought the car seat out and pulled the visor down to keep the sun off Will-Sawyer.

Buffy reached for it but Spike evaded her.

"Spike."

"Baby, you heard the doctor. No stress or strenuous activites."

She put her hands on her hips and glared at her husband.

"I don't think carrying my son into the house is too strenuous, Spike."

He walked closer to her and pulled her to him, letting out a sigh.

"I know, sweet love. I just- I don't want to take any chances alright?"

She looked up at him, reading the fear in his eyes.

"I know. I'm sorry."

He placed a kiss on top of her head and walked her into the house.

~~~

Buffy rolled over, sitting up when she heard Will's soft cry. Before she could get out of bed, Spike was already at the basinet bringing him to her.

"I could have got him."

He sat down on the bed and handed her the baby to feed.

"I know, pet. Just wanted you to rest."

She sighed and looked at him.

"Spike, It's been two months. My blood pressure is normal and everything is fine. Nothing is gonna happen. You have to let me do stuff on my own."

He ran his fingers through his hair, standing up from the bed.

"I'm sorry! Excuse me for worrying about you, for not wanting anything to happen to you!"

"Spike, calm down. You know it's true."

He sat on the bed and picked up the hand that wasn't holding the baby.

"It is. I'm sorry, I just worry. I'm so scared."

She squeezed his hand and gave him a reassuring smile.

"I know, baby. But everything is gonna be alright, you hear?"

He nodded and layed down beside her, resting his head on her thigh.

"I love you."

She ran her fingers through his hair.

"I love you too."

Spike stood in the kitchen humming as he mixed Will-Sawyer's formula.

Buffy watched him from the doorway, knowing that he was a million miles away. She softly stalked over behind him and grabbed his hips.

"What are you doing?"

Spike jumped at least a foot in the air and let out an unmanly screech. He whirled around panting, his eyes as wide as saucers.

Buffy tried to hide her smile and keep up her innocent facade. She wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his chest to hide her guilty and victorious smile.

He pulled her away from him and she was caught.

"No you don't, you little minx. You knew just exactly what you were doing."

Buffy dropped her head, letting a small pout form on her lips. She looked up at him and batted her eyelashes twice, knowing it was his weakness. She ran her hands up his arms, letting them settle on his shoulders where she began to softly caress them.

"Are you saying that I willingly scared you? My husband, my love?" She batted her eyelashes again.

Spike had been caught in her web, but he would be damned before letting her know it. He looked at her straight on, praying that his own facade was convincing.

"Yes Buffy, that's exactly what I'm saying."

She let her arms flop back to her sides and a genuine pout appeared on her face.

"Yeah, well. You suck."

Spike smiled and pulled her to him, clutching her even tighter when she half-heartedly struggled. He nuzzled her neck before moving to her ear.

"Not half as good as you, my love." He purred.

Buffy melted in his arms and he picked her up, sitting her on the countertop.

They kissed with passion that had been put away since the baby was born.

He kissed her letting his hands roam across her body. He softly massaged her breasts, making sure not to squeeze to much.

He let his hand drift under her shirt, running it softly up her stomach.

But when he reached scars, he jerked away like he was scalded.

His hand was still under her shirt when he jerked back, so he pulled her along with him. She grabbed onto his shoulders and barely managed to catch herself before she fell face first onto the floor.

"What is wrong with you?!"

Spike grabbed onto her and steadied her, but kept his distance.

She looked up at his face and her anger intesified and lessened at the same time.

His body was rigid, his eyes and teeth were clenched tight, and he was nearly shaking with need.

"Spike. Spike!"

His eyes opened to look at her.

"What in God's name is wrong with you?"

"We can't."

She jumped down from the counter and jerked away from him.

"Why?"

"Because you're not rea-"

"This has got to stop!"

He looked up, stunned by her outburst.

"You are driving me crazy. Spike, I'm fine. There is nothing going to happen, alright?"

"Oh, fine are you? So fine that you have to take bloody pills, huh?"

He was telling the truth. When Buffy's blood pressure started rising, she had to quit breast feeding Will and start taking blood pressure medicine.

"Spike, I'm alright. I'm even thinking about not taking them anymore."

He was in front of her gripping her arms in a second.

"You better take every bloody pill prescribed to you, do you understand?!"

The look in his eye was deadly, but she wasn't afraid.

She was hurt.

"Do you?!"

"Yes, Spike."

She jerked her arms away from him, grabbed Will-Sawyer's formula and shoved her way past him.

She barely got out of the kitchen before the tears fell.

~~~~~~~

Blue eyes stared up at her, almost questioning as Will sucked on his bottle.

She smiled and hugged him to her.

"Momma's sweet boy." She said, placing a kiss on his forehead.

He finished his bottle and she pulled it away, giggling when he followed it, still sucking.

She sat the bottle down and layed him over her shoulder, patting and rubbing his back until he burped.

She cradled him in her arms and looked down at her beautiful boy.

It amazed her how he looked just like his father.

She had seen pictures of Spike when he was born and it was just as Giles said in the hospital, he was a spitting image.

He hardly looked like her at all. But every now and then he would do something, and she could see herself in him.

She softly ran her fingers through his dark hair, playing with the soft beginnings of a curl. He was going to have curly hair. She wondered if he would have to wear glasses and hoped eyesight would be something he got from her.

She smiled as his tiny fist clutched at her breast. She wished that she could still breast feed him, it was so much healthier.

But she had to take the medicine.

That thought brought a frown to her face and the argument in the kitchen back to the surface.

She tried not to be angry or upset in front of Will, because it made him cranky too. Almost as if he knew his mother was in pain.

She understood what Spike was doing.

Really she did.

But it drove her insane.

He put her on a pedestel, she wasn't allowed to do anything and she hardly went anywhere. He was just trying to protect her and keep her safe, but he was smothering her as well. It had been nearly six months. She was fine, her blood pressure was normal and only the barely there scars remained on her stomach.

But they would always be there.

He hadn't wanted to make love at all, he hardly even held her.

Not because he didn't want to, but because he was afraid to.

She stood up and placed the sleeping baby in his crib. He snuggled down and she draped a soft blanket across him. She folded her arms across the side of the bed and layed her head against them.

How much more could she take?

~~~~~~~

Spike stood in the doorway and watched them. His family.

His life.

What would he do without them?

What would he do if every morning he didn't wake up beside Buffy, with Will-Sawyer across the hall?

He shook his head to clear that thought. He didn't even want to think about it.

He had hurt her. He saw it in her eyes.

He knew he was overreacting, but it's better safe than sorry, right?

She thought it was killing her? She had no idea.

He ached for her. Burned.

But the minute he got too close, he would curse himself for being stupid.

What if he hurt her? What if he pushed her to hard and her blood pressure hit the roof?

It would kill him. Or he would kill himself.

Because he would rather die than hurt her.

What he didn't realize was that he already had.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike sat at his desk, grading papers.

He looked over at the clock and then back down at his work.

It was past ten and Buffy still hadn't come in from next door. After Will-Sawyer had woken up from his nap, Buffy had taken him over to his dad's.

That was at four o'clock this afternoon.

He looked at the window and then tried to concentrate on grading the paper in front of him. After checking the same question three times, he threw the pen down and scrubbed his face with his hands.

They should be home by now.

He got up and found his shoes, slipping them on. He closed the door behind him and jogged across the yard, not even bothering to knock before bursting in.

What he saw had him stopping in his tracks.

Buffy was sitting on the couch between Giles and Jenny, sobbing.

"What- what's going on?"

Buffy jumped up and wiped at her eyes.

"Nothing. Let me get Will and we'll go."

She walked down the hallway towards Giles and Jenny's room.

"What is going on here?"

Giles stood up and came over to him, patting him on the back.

"It's nothing, son. We were just talking."

"About what?"

"Nothing important."

Spike turned hard eyes to look at his father.

"I think it's something important if it makes my wife cry."

"Then you should already know about it, shouldn't you?"

Giles gave Spike a look just as deadly as the one he was recieving.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean tha-"

"We're ready."

Buffy walked in with Will's car seat and diaper bag.

Spike gave his father one last hard glare before going and getting the stuff Buffy was carrying.

"Here, I got it, love."

She stood her ground and held onto the bag and carrier even tighter.

"I can handle it."

Spike wasn't about to jerk the car seat away from her, since it held his sleeping son. He gave her a look and tried to pull her fingers away.

"Buffy, I mean it." He could see her eyes water and knew she was geting upset. "Buffy, come on, you're getting upset. Just give me the stuff so we can go."

She let out a humourless laugh as the tears began to flow and made sure he was holding onto the carrier before releasing it.

"You wonder why I'm getting upset."

She let out another laugh that was followed by a sob. She walked past him and out the door, not even stopping to say goodbye.

Spike turned and started to follow her out the door.

"Buf-"

He was stopped by a firm hand on his shoulder. He turned around to face his father.

"This has got to stop, now. I've stood by and I've watched this happen for months and I haven't said anything because I can understand to an extent. But this has gone too far. You've got to give her space and trust her, William. She's not going to let anything that's within her control happen to herself. She's got to much to live for. "

Spike dropped his head, he knew his father was right.

But the fear was still there.

Giles cupped his cheek and brought his face up to look in his eyes.

"Trust her, son. You're pushing her away. Have faith in her, she's never let you down before."

Spike looked into his father's eyes and gave a small grin that was full of pride.

"No she hasn't."

Giles smiled and patted his cheek.

"That's right. Now go home and tell your beautiful wife what a fool you've been."

He smiled at his father and let them give kisses to himself and Will-Sawyer before bolting out the door.

Well, bolting as much as he could without waking the baby.

~~~~~~~

He Took Will into his room and changed him before laying him down for the night.

Turning on the baby moniter, he checked him one last time before turning off the lights and softly closing the door.

He walked to his bedroom door and could hear her crying on the other side. He opened the door and walked inside, and he couldn't help but smile when she rolled over and crossed her arms, facing away from him.

He undressed and then crawled in behind her, nuzzeling at her arm with his nose. She jerked her arm away and he pulled his head back just before it got smacked.

"Leave me alone."

He reached out to touh her again.

"Baby doll, come here."

She was off the bed so fast that he fell over onto his stomach, his arm still out stretched to touch her.

"Oh, I don't think so. Don't you dare come in here like this after you humiliated me!"

He sighed and looked down at the bed.

"I'm sorry."

She started pacing up and down the side of the bed, working herself up.

"You think that's gonna make it better? Well, you're wrong, buddy!"

He knew her blood pressure was rising. Her face was red and she was beginning to sweat.

"Buffy, calm down."

She stopped to look at him, knowing he was right. It felt like the room was a furnace and she was out of breath. She nodded and ran a hand across her forehead, sitting down on the bed.

He stacked her pillows up and pulled her back onto them, throwing the covers to the end of the bed. He pulled her nightgown over her head and grabbed a magazine off the table to fan her with.

She layed back against the pillows with her hand thrown over her eyes, trying to get her breathing under control. Spike fanned her and kicked himself for being such an idiot.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered.

She took her hand away and looked at his face, her anger melting.

"I've been trying so hard to help you that I wound up hurting you."

She gave him a smile.

"Spike, you've got to trust me. I'm not going to let anything happen to myself."

He smiled thinking of his father's exact advice.

"What's that smile for, sweet boy?"

"Dad. He said the exact same thing."

"He's a smart guy." She smiled.

He nodded his head and kept fanning her.

"I'll try. I'll try to be better, but I won't stop worrying."

"I know, Spike. And you shouldn't, but you can't let it rule our lives. People live with this everyday, I'm going to be fine."

She gave him a reassuring smile.

"I know, love. But I am going to put my foot down about one thing. You can't stop taking your medicine."

"I know. I was just saying that, trying to get you to see that I'm fine. You can stop now, I feel better."

He dropped his arm and let out a breath.

"Thanks, love. Was beginning to get sore."

She brought his face to hers for a kiss.

"Thank you, honey."

He responded with a kiss that took her breath away all over again.

He draped himself across her, using his hands to keep his weight off her. She let her hands travel down his back to squeeze his rear.

He thrust against her and pulled himself away with a groan.

"What? What is it this time?" She tried to pull him back down to her.

He sat up and she flopped back against the pillows, kicking her legs and groaning.

"Buffy, we can't. Not after you had that spell."

"Spike, I'm fine! How many times do I have to fucking tell you that?!"

He looked back at her red face, grabbed the magazine and silently began to fan her again.

"Buffy, please just do this for me."

"Spike, I want you. I need you. Please."

"Not tonight. I want you to go to the doctor tommorrow-"

"What?!"

"Just listen," She let out a disgusted sigh and turned her face away. "Buffy, listen to me."

She finally turned toward him and he caressed her cheek.

"Go to the doctor and talk to him. Make sure it's alright."

"Spike! It's fine, it's alright! Most women are having sex seven WEEKS after birth."

"You're not most women, Buffy."

She flopped back against the pillows and gave a huge sigh.

"You're set in stone about this aren't you?"

He gave her a smile.

"Yes."

She covered her face with her hands and rolled over, jerking the covers up around her.

"The things I do for you."

He cuddled up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Yeah, but you love me."

"I know. God help me." She muttered under her breath.

"I heard that."

Buffy layed in bed listening to Spike and Will-Sawyer splash around in the tub.

She sighed, rubbing her growing tummy and thinking back on the past few months.

When she had gone to the doctor, she had found out that her condition was more serious than she thought.

Since she had went into premature labor, her hormones were still out of whack from her pregnancy and were causing her blood pressure to fluctuate. The doctor had highered the dosage of her medicine and advised against sex for the next six weeks, until her next appointment when he would see if the medication was making a difference. When she had told Spike, he hadn't gloated about being right, he had just nodded and pulled her to him for a hug.

Over the next six weeks Buffy had gone about doing her normal routine but had kept a close eye on her blood pressure. It had only went up once and it was just barely over the high mark.

When she had gone back to the doctor, her blood pressure was back to its normal range. He had advised her to keep taking her medicine, but also said that they could try to make love.

He told them to keep it light, no marathons for a while.

Buffy had blushed furiously when he said it and he had just given her a grin, but became serious once again telling her if that if it became to much, or any symptoms of rising blood pressure occurred, to stop immediately.

Spike was still a little fearful so they had waited another week before finally making love.

The connection they felt when they finally made love was incredible.

Because they knew their love had made a miracle.

And they didn't realize until three weeks later that it had made two.

~~~~~~~~

Buffy was brought back into the present when a soaking wet Spike walked in cradling a wiggling, giggling bundle of towel.

She sat up and smiled when Will-Sawyer wiggled out of the towel, crawling toward her. She grabbed it and threw it across him when he reached her thighs.

"Where did Will-Sawyer go, Daddy?"

Spike walked back into the room carrying Will's bed clothes and chuckled as he watched him try to escape the offending cloth.

"I don't know."

Spike gave Buffy a wink and then gasped in mock surprise when Will-Sawyer finally threw the towel off his head.

"Why, there he is!"

Will fell into a fit of giggles, jumping in Spike's lap as he tried to put his diaper on him. He finally got him dressed, smoothing down the soft curls that had frizzed underneath the towel.

"Go say Night Night to mummy, poppet."

He crawled to Buffy and she scooped him into her waiting arms. She held him close and pulled back to give his soft belly a tickle. He squirmed and laughed, before putting his hands over her bulging stomach. He rapidly moved his fingers and Buffy giggled more from his face than the tickles.

"Ba."

He patted her tummy and turned questioning blue eyes on her.

"That's right." She said, nodding. "That's where the baby is."

Will laid his head against her tummy giving it another pat as he let out a yawn. Spike scooped him up and walked to the head of the bed.

"Alright lil man, give mummy sugar, it's time for bed."

Will gave her a wet kiss and giggled as Spike bounced him.

"Say night night."

"Na na."

Buffy smiled and blew him a kiss.

"Night night, precious. I love you."

Spike walked back in a few minutes later and sat down beside her on the bed, opening the drawer of the table. He pulled out a blood pressure kit and Buffy dutifully raised her arm for him to slide the cuff over. He checked it and scribbled the measurements down in a notebook.

He gave her a sweet kiss and smiled at her before putting the kit away.

"Still normal, love."

She let out a relieved sigh and watched him get undressed.

This was the routine.

When Buffy had found out she was pregnant again she was torn between happiness and fear.

Happy because they were having another baby, but scared because of her health. And the fact that she was still recovering from her last pregnancy which had only ended eight months before.

They wanted more children, but Buffy figured it would be when Will was older, possibly even in school.

She worried that it was too early, but she didn't regret it in the least. She knew things happened for a reason.

Since her blood pressure was normal so far, Buffy had been taken off her medicine.

But she had to keep a strict eye on it.

She was put on vitamins and Spike checked her blood pressure every night. They were taking every precaution they could to make sure that a repeat of last time didn't happen, especially since there was a higher risk this time.

Spike had taken over nearly everything and it was just a blessing that it was summer. Giles and Jenny helped with everything they could, leaving Buffy with nothing to do but rest and watch Will-Sawyer.

And this time there was no complaints.

Because she knew that her and the baby's life was at stake. And she wasn't about to do anything thing to endanger them.

She was on a diet, knowing that excessive weight gain was a risk. They took walks every other night to keep her in shape and most of the time were joined by Giles and Jenny.

And so far everything was going good.

She was nearly six months and her blood pressure hadn't risen at all.

Spike layed down beside her and she snuggled into him, giving him a kiss. He kissed her back before turning off the lamp, bathing them in darkness. He rubbed his hand across her belly and she smiled, the soft caresses lulling her to sleep.

"Goodnight, sweet loves."

"Goodnight, Daddy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy shivered as the cold jelly was squirted onto her stomach.

"Alright, mom and dad. Let's have a look at your baby."

Buffy smiled at Spike giving his hand a squeeze before turning to the moniter.

A rapid heartbeat echoed in the room and Buffy sighed in relief just from hearing it. The doctor pressed the wand into her belly, rolling it around to get a better look.

"Alright, there's the head and there's the spine." He pointed them out on the moniter. "And there's some toes."

Buffy giggled at the sight of the baby's tiny toes.

He rolled it around some more before freezing a certain image. He turned to face them.

"Do you want to know the sex?"

Buffy looked at Spike who gave her a wink before she turned back to the doctor and nodded her head.

He turned back to the moniter and started typing.

Spike squeezed Buffy's hand when the word was written across the image.

GIRL

Buffy turned tearful, joyous eyes to Spike who was shedding a tear of his own. He leaned down for their lips to meet, both of them laughing into the kiss.

"It's a girl, Spike!"

Spike exhaled in amazement, staring at the moniter.

"Our baby girl."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During the last three months of her pregnancy, Buffy was put on bed rest.

She still got up to do some mild excercise, but that was pretty much as far as she went. Spike still checked her BP everynight and she still took her vitamins while maintaining her diet. Everything was still looking good, but since delivery was soon they weren't taking any chances.

Spike catered to her every whim and Will-Sawyer had been moved back into their bedroom. School had started back and Spike had taken a medical leave for the entire year, to be able to take care of Buffy and the baby.

As the due date neared, preparations were made.

Buffy's doctor was on call, as well as a surgical staff specializing in high risk deliveries.

~~~

Buffy walked into the study, holding onto the doorway as she called for her husband.

"Spike."

He jerked his head up and was by her side in an instant.

"Buffy, what are you doing out of be-"

"Spike, I think it's time."

His eyes widened and he latched onto her arm.

"Are you sure? Is something wrong?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head.

"I just feel a little," She swayed on her feet and he grabbed her. "Woozy."

He sat her in a chair and ran to the coat closet grabbing her bag. He picked up the phone and called the hospital who in turn called Buffy's doctor. He called Jenny next.

"Hello?"

"Jenny, it's time."

"Alright, we'll be right there."

Spike held the phone to his ear with his shoulder and helped Buffy stand up, guiding her to the front door.

"You got Will-Sawyer?"

"Yeah, we'll be right behind you."

The phone dropped to the ground and Spike opened the door, leading Buffy to the car and helping her get in. He climbed in on the other side and took off to the hospital.

"Alright, love?"

"Yeah, I just feel a bit sick."

He looked at her as she rested her head against the seat.

"Sick how?"

"At my stomach. And cramps in my back."

"Do you think you're blood pressure is up?"

She shook her head softly.

"No, I don't think so. It didn't feel like this last time."

"Alright. Just hold tight, sweet love. We're almost there."

He whispered a quick prayer beneath his breath.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they got to the hospital, Buffy's blood pressure had risen.

She had immediately undergone another emergency c-section.

But this time she was awake when her daughter was born.

She had looked at the tiny miracle and then back to Spike who was standing beside her. They had shared a teary smile and both sent thanks to above.

~~~

Buffy padded softly down the hall with Spike by her side, pulling her IV behind him.

She had been in the hospital four days now and had been walking trying to relieve some of the gas pressure after the surgery. It had felt like she was dying the first time she tried to walk, but now the pain had lessened. Especially when they reached their destination.

They stopped in front of the nursery window and looked in at their daughter.

Buffy leaned against the glass and held Spike's hand.

"Isn't she beautiful?"

"Yeah, she is, my love."

"Everybody said Will-Sawyer would be jealous, but I don't think he is."

She looked back at him and he shot her a proud smile.

"That's our boy. He loves his sis."

She nodded her head and looked back through the glass.

"What are we gonna name her? I must have looked through a hundred books without finding anything that, I don't know, just sounded right. You know what I mean?" He nodded his head when she looked back at him. "Do you have any?"

He gave her a shy smile this time, ducking his head ever so slightly.

"Yeah, I do actually."

She looked up at him surprised.

"Really?" He nodded. "Why didn't you say anything?"

He shrugged is shoulders.

"I don't know, I should have I guess."

"Well, tell me." She smiled at him remembering when Will-Sawyer was born. "Deja Vu, huh?"

He laughed and nodded his head.

"Yeah, 'cept this time it's the other way around."

"Come on! Tell me, baby."

"I don't know, it's just something that's been bouncing around my brain."

She cupped his cheek.

"Spike, tell me. I'm sure it will be perfect for her."

He looked into the nursery at their sleeping daughter.

"Analyn Joyce."

She sucked in a breath at the beautiful name.

"Spike, it's perfect."

He turned hopeful eyes on her.

"Really?"

"Yes! It's beautiful. It's what I've been looking for. It just-- fits."

He repeated the name back to himself, while looking at her.

"It does, doesn't it?"

Buffy nodded her head, pulling his down for a sweet kiss.

"It does. How did you come up with it?"

"I was just thinking one day and it popped in my head. Mum's name was Anne, your middle name is Anne and your mum's name was Joyce Lynn. Analyn."

He put his arm around her as they gazed at the baby.

"Analyn Joyce Giles. It's beautiful, just like her."

They both laughed a little and spoke at the exact same time.

"Deja Vu."

Spike stood in the doorway and looked out at the scene in front of him.

Will-Sawyer was pushing his dump truck around the yard, while Buffy and Analyn sat on a blanket watching him. Will pushed the truck all the way to the small picket fence before turning around and making his way back. He watched as Buffy caught Analyn when she fell over after trying to walk toward her brother.

"Will-Sawyer."

His little curly head popped up at the sound of his name and he paused mid push.

"Wha', mum?"

Spike smiled to himself. Will had managed to pick up a slight accent from him and Giles.

"Come get your sister and walk her around the yard."

He made his way over to Analyn, pride shining with every step. He was happy to help his sister learn to walk and took all the credit for it. He held out his hand for her to grab onto and she tried to pull herself up, only to topple sideways.

He smiled as Will-Sawyer tried to catch her and watched as Buffy finally helped them both.

"Tome on, Anwyn."

He walked her around the yard, stopping when she found something that caught her attention and trying to answer when she pointed something out.

"Woses."

Spike watched as Analyn nodded her head, believing every word that came out of her big brother's mouth.

Even when the "woses" she was pointing to were tulips. They continued on their way and Spike looked over at Buffy.

Each day his love for her grew.

Sometimes he didn't think it was possible. How could he love her anymore than he already did?

And then she gave him two beautiful children, who he loved more than anything in the world.

What did he do to deserve this?

Nothing.

And there was nothing he could ever do to deserve them either.

He thanked God everyday for such a wonderful blessing. And he thought that maybe he should thank his mother as well.

Maybe she was smiling down on his family and maybe Joyce was with her, watching over them.

He decided to thank anyone who would listen.

Buffy looked over toward the doorway and spotted him, shielding the sun from her eyes. She gave him a dazzling smile and motioned for him to join her.

He walked down the steps and settled beside her on the blanket. He stared at her face, she was more beautiful now than the day he met her.

He let out a satisfied sigh and leaned over to give her a kiss before turning his eyes toward the children.

She ran her fingers through his brown curls and patted his head softly.

"What's going on in that head of yours?"

He turned to look at her, the love in his eyes more blinding than the sun.

"Do you know how much I love you?"

She smiled and nodded, cupping his cheek.

"I know."




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hope everyone enjoyed reading the story as much as I did writing it. Thank you for all your support and reviews.

Hannah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are the lyrics to the song the story was inspired by. Try to hear it if you can.


"She Thinks She Needs Me" Andy Griggs

She thinks I walk on water;
She thinks I hung the moon.
She tells me every mornin',
"They just don't make men like you."

She thinks I've got it together;
She swears I'm as tough as nails.
But I don't have the heart to tell her,
That she don't know me that well.

She don't know how much I need her;
She don't know I'd fall apart,
Without her kiss, without her touch,
Without her faithful lovin' arms.
She don't know that it's all about her;
She don't know I can't live without her.
She's my world, she's my everything,
And she thinks she needs me.

Sometimes, she cries on my shoulder,
When she's lyin' next to me.
But she don't know that when I hold her,
That she's really holdin' me, holdin' me.

She don't know how much I need her;
She don't know I'd fall apart,
Without her kiss, without her touch,
Without her faithful lovin' arms.
She don't know that it's all about her;
She don't know I can't live without her.
She's my world, she's my everything,
And she thinks she needs me.

Yeah, now the funny thing is,
She thinks she's the lucky one.

She don't know how much I need her;
She don't know I'd fall apart,
Without her kiss, without her touch,
Without her faithful lovin' arms.
She don't know that it's all about her;
She don't know I can't live without her.
She's my world, she's my everything,
And she thinks she needs me.

She thinks I walk on water;
She thinks I hung the moon