She closed her eyes as she felt him thrusting hard into her, feeling the blood running down her thigh as she struggled not to scream. She could smell his cologne, Old Spice, and she knew that smell would haunt her forever. She tried not to gag when she involuntarily inhaled as his head moved closer to hers. She heard his voice as he whispered to her. Told her what a good girl she was and that no other man would ever make her feel the way she did with him. She shook away any thoughts of revulsion and let her mind go blank once more. She sent a tiny prayer to anyone listening that he would be done soon. As if in answer to her prayers the man atop her let out a long groan, went rigid and collapsed on top of her.

“Good girl. Don’t tell Joyce.” He whispered into her ear before rolling off and disposing of the condom in the wastebasket beside her bed. He drew his hand lightly over her tense thigh muscles before giving her a peck on the lips. “Thank you.” Without another word he turned away to pull up his pants and walked to the door leading into the hall. Taking one last look over her nude form he stepped out into the dark hall shut the door behind him.

Buffy pulled her legs up to her chin and finally released the tears that had been threatening to fall. She shook and shivered until, finally, no more tears would come. She wiped the back of her hand across her eyes to dry the tears. With great conviction she forced herself out of the bed and stepped towards the door leading into her bathroom. She hurriedly shed the over-sized t-shirt she had been wearing, balling it up and tossing it towards the garbage can. Her underwear lay discarded by the side of the bed.

Once the water was warm enough she stepped under the stream and allowed all traces of the man to be erased from her body. She scrubbed until her normally tan skin had a pinkish glow to it before exiting the shower and wrapping herself in a towel. She didn’t dare look at herself in the mirror but passed it without another glance and walked back into her bedroom.

She changed into a pair of sweats and tank before changing the sheets to her bed. As she threw the sheets into the corner she noticed the blood stain adorning the middle of the sheet. She cringed as she lightly traced the stain. Her body responding in complete anger, she threw the sheets down and headed for the window.
She stopped for her wallet and flip-flops before exiting the window and climbing down the oak tree.

She had walked about four miles before she reached her destination, an old trailer in the Sunnydale trailer park. Not even knocking she hoisted herself onto the small ledge of the window and pulled back the screen enough to let herself in. Once inside the room she let herself gaze on the nude figure of the man sleeping in front of her. His alabaster skin seeming to glow in the moonlight. Normally slicked platinum blonde hair was tousled and curly. The sheet rode low on his hips allowing her to see the defined muscles of his abs. She quickly tossed her wallet and flip-flops aside and crawled into the bed with him, laying her head on his chest and allowing herself to fall into a dreamless but restful sleep.

His blue eyes took a moment to focus on the blonde with her head on his chest. He draped one arm over her shoulders and held her waist with the other. Her own green eyes met his and she gave him a tiny smile before laying her head back on his chest and falling to sleep.

The alarm woke him at 6:40 the next morning. It was usually just enough time to get to Sunnydale High and avoid detention. But this morning he had to wake up the gorgeous woman curled beside him.
She rolled over as he shook her shoulder and burrowed herself deeper under the blankets when he tried to take them away. He frowned slightly as he watched the clock tick closer to seven before he gently kissed the back of her neck.

With a yawn she awoke. Eyes still blurry she blinked at the man standing next to the bed before giving him a slight grin.

“It’s time for school, luv.”

“Mmm, can’t I just stay here for awhile. I’m comfy” She threw in her trademark pout which quickly turned into a frown when he shook his head and handed her clothes she had left the last time she had spent the night.

“I’m sorry, luv, but we do have class this morning. Wouldn’t want to give Snyder a reason to kick us out, would we?” He watched as she frowned but started dressing.

“Did you have a fight with your mum last night?” Buffy shook her head. In truth, she’d had a fight with her mom the night before but that wasn’t what brought her to his doorstep. She just smiled up at him from her place on the bed before slipping on her flip-flops. William Pratt gave a little chuckle at his girlfriend's antics but held out his hand. Buffy took the offered hand without hesitation and allowed him to pull her to his side. He placed a quick kiss to the top of her head before he led her out of the trailer to an old beat-up Desoto.

He opened the door with flourish and helped her in before running around to other side and gunned the engine in the direction of Sunnydale High.

“Luv, I’ve been thinking…”

“That’s never safe,” Buffy grinned at his glare.

“Bloody little chit…” Spike muttered to himself as he watched her grin grow. “What I was going to say before a certain little bottle blonde interrupted me was...”

“I’m NOT a bottle blonde!” Buffy screeched so loud next to him that he couldn’t help but cringe.

“Luv, you forget I’ve seen everything” He gave her a suggestive leer until she smacked him in the shoulder and his leer turned into a pout.

Buffy took her seat at the back of the classroom, waiting for her philosophy teacher to begin what was bound to be a boring lecture.
She dropped her head to the desk, reveling in the cool feel of the wood, as he droned on and on about some guy in the 18th century that probably said something sort of important.

“Miss Summers?” The bald-headed man was looking straight at her, beady little eyes trained on the top of her head. “Would you like to answer the question?”

She shook her head once to clear her mind. “Not really. What was the question?”

Snyder shook his head and let out an exasperated sigh, “Who posed the mind-body problem?”

She blinked and ran her hand through her slightly tangled hair, trying to remember anything about philosophy but all she was coming up with was…

“Aristotle.”

With a groan, the little beady-eyed rat-faced teacher glared at her.
“If you were to pay attention in the class, you would know that is was Descartes and not Aristotle who posed the mind-body problem.”

Buffy did her best to appear sheepish, knowing full well her mistake would be forgotten momentarily when Snyder chose another victim to answer another question no one cared about.

“Now Miss Summers, please describe the properties of the mind-body problem to the class.”

Her eyes bugged. How the hell was she supposed to describe the problem if she couldn’t even remember who wrote the problem in the first place.

“You may use your book,” Buffy stared blankly at him.

“Page 209, Miss Summers.” Her gave her another glare as he pointed towards the unopened book on her desk.

Flipping clumsily to the correct page, she began to read. *The body has property A. The mind has property non-A. If two things do not have exactly identical properties, then they cannot be identical. Therefore, the mind and body are not identical. They are two completely different entities.”*

“Very good. Now, who can explain what that meant?”

Buffy let the other, more eager, students take charge of deciphering Descartes. She had only twenty-seven minutes left of class before she was done for the day. With that thought, she dropped her head back onto the desk and watched as everything turned black and the voices of the people around her faded.

“Buffy” There was a knock at her bedroom door. It was him again. “Can I come in, sweetheart?”

Buffy cringed slightly from her desk at the school as she heard herself croak out an answer, knowing there was nothing she could do to prevent what had already happened, even if it was only the day before.

The hulking figure entered the room quietly, waiting until she had placed her homework on the night stand before edging his way onto the bed beside her, hands pinning her in place against the headboard.

“How was your day?” His rich baritone voice temporarily making her forget what he had done or was planning to do in the future.

“It was good. Mr. Snyder totally flipped at this one joke that Xander made during philosophy but no one got sent to detention so it all ended well.” She noted his hand coming to rest on her exposed thigh, rubbing soft circles over the bare flesh, but didn’t comment.

“What was the joke?”

“Ok, so Descartes walks into a café and sits down. The waiter comes up and asks him if he’s ready to order and Descartes like ‘I think not’ and disappears. Cause you know I think, therefore I am and everything.” She laughed nervously. “So then Mr. Snyder gets all huffy and Willow joins in and she’s like ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’ and Mr. Snyder’s just staring at her like she’s crazy right and she yells out ‘It was a hen’ you know cause it was Molly Yard and feminism.”

His hand began shifting higher until he was stroking her inner thigh yet still she didn’t protest. It wasn’t until he was removing her track shorts that she felt a wave a nausea come over her.

“Lay back.”

She froze.

“Buffy, I said lay back!” He voiced his command a bit firmer, yet, still she did not move. He gently pushed her shoulder, increasing the pressure, until she was in a laying position before looming over her. The man quickly disposed of any garments in his way before shoving his way into her dry passage.

“So sweet, Buffy, you know your so sweet. Can’t ever get enough of you. Got to keep this our little secret, right?” She tried not to scream or protest but merely nodded her head.

“Your little boyfriends have never affected you like this, have they?” She shook her head ‘no’ once before she closed her eyes and willed the abuse to be over soon. He stroked the side of her cheek as he reassured her and whispered soft words of love all the while destroying her.
She felt him thrust a couple more times before he collapsed and finally rolled off of her. It took him only a few seconds to get his bearings before zipping up his pants and walking into her bathroom. He returned a few seconds later with a warm washcloth and proceeded to clean her up. She could feel blood and semen together seep out of her as he cleaned her up.

“Good Girl. Such a good girl, Buffy. I almost forgot I bought you tickets to the ice show.” He finished and disposed of the wash cloth in the trash can before heading towards the door.

“You still my girl?”

Nodding, she answered in the same flat affect she always used with him, “Always.”

“Buffy! Buffy!” Back at the school, Buffy felt a hand nudge her shoulder as the voice called out to her.
She flung out an arm at the invader only to have her sense come back to her and see Spike jump out of the way.

“What the hell? You must have been really into that dream of yours.” Spike grinned, slinging his arm over her shoulder.

“Sorry. Just got a bit caught up in it, I guess.” Buffy stood, reaching for her bag but coming up empty when the bleached blonde swung it from her grasp.

“Want me to try and analyze that dream, kitten? I’ve gone to every single one of my psych classes.” Spike cocked his head to the side, raising a dark eyebrow in concern. "Sure you're alright there?"

“I’m fine Spike, just didn’t get much sleep yesterday. Hey, are we going to the Bronze tonight?” At his quick smile, she continued “Good cause I thought we might go up to our spot and have a little fun.”

Sitting in the cafeteria, Buffy snuggled into Spike’s side while they listened to Andrew and Xander argue over who was the best James Bond- Sean Connery or Timothy Dalton.

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Connery is the only bond. He was suave and commanding.”

“Yeah, well Timothy Dalton would have saved the day in half the time and he was so manly and rugged. Why are you all looking at me like that?” Andrew frowned at the group across the table.

“Right Andrew. Why don’t you just throw Pierce Brosnan in there? He was way hotter than Connery or Dalton” Buffy shrugged “I thought he was hot, so I saw the movie. ”

“I would totally jump him if he walked in right now”
The males at the table visibly shuddered with the exception of Andrew.

“I’m with Cordy on this one.” Buffy shrugged and gave a little smile.

“You mean you would take Brosnan over me pet? I’m wounded.” Spike clutched at his chest, swaying lightly to the side.
Buffy looked him over before scrunching her forehead. “Hmm Spike Pratt or Pierce Brosnan? It’s a tough decision. Can I have a day or two to think about it?” Buffy squealed as Spike attacked her sides, tickling mercilessly.

“When do you get your car back luv?”

“Today. After school some time. I will be totally mobile!” Buffy struck a fist straight up in the air.

“Remind us all again how you lost your car privileges in the first place?” Cordelia sat next to Xander, blatantly ignoring her boyfriends continuing conversation with Andrew and watched as Buffy’s face turned a bright shade of pink.

“Well, uh…” Buffy continued to blush, searching the room for a way out.

“Oh her mom caught her and Spike making out in the backseat.”

“Gee, thank you Willow.” Buffy added sarcastically before sending a grin over to the redhead. “So Bronze tonight?”

A chorus of ‘yes’ answered her question and she turned back to stealing fries from people.

“So Buffster how’s it going with your mom’s boyfriend, John or whatever?” Xander took a moment to stop arguing with Andrew and turned his attention across the table. Her face fell for only a moment before she composed herself enough to answer.

“He’s fine, I guess. I don’t really talk to him that much but mom seems to like him enough.” She shrugged and turned back to her plate.

“I heard he was a secret agent for the FBI.” Andrew’s tiny voice piped in. “I mean he’s so tall and handsome and…”

Buffy’s vision began to darken and the voices around her disappear.
His long fingers darted under her skirt and she moaned in protest of the invasion. Her chest tightened as she realized he was not going to stop until he was ready to. She was powerless to fight back. He was pumping harder now and still her body refused to respond. On one hand she wished it would, if only to escape the pain he was causing. She tried to block it out. The pain intensified as he added another finger. She could hear his voice and tried to focus on it.
“Does it feel good” She nodded even though she wanted to scream in agony. She could feel blood starting to seep down her leg from where she still hadn’t healed properly the last time he’d forced himself on her. She felt his fingers leave her body and let out a small sigh of relief. “Don’t tell Joyce. She wouldn’t understand.”

In the cafeteria, Spike waved his hand in front of his girlfriends face to no avail. She was still dead to the world.

“Oh for Pete’s sake” Cordelia reached over the table and slapped her.

Buffy blinked.

“Why the hell did you slap me?” Her face a vision of pure anger towards the bored brunette across the table.

“You zoned out” Cordelia smiled and shrugged at her. As if it was a common occurrence to slap someone during lunch.

Buffy eyes bugged and she briefly wondered if she had said anything while she was ‘zoning’. With a start she left the table and took off towards the lockers.

“Let go of me!” She tried to wretch her arm from his grasp but was pulled into his chest.

“What’s wrong luv? You were fine until someone mentioned John.” He tilted his head to the side to get a better look at her. Quickly assessing, he wrapped his arms around her shaking form. “Did he hurt you” Spike closed his eyes in anticipation of an answer, vowing then to ripped every limb off of any man that dared to hurt his girl. “Buffy did he hurt you in any way sweetheart?” He felt her shake her head ‘No’ against his chest and let out an audible sigh of relief. “What got you so upset?”
She tensed against him as she thought up a decent excuse. “I just haven’t spent much time with mom lately and I guess I just over-reacted.” She gave him a small smile and took his hand.

He tilted his head down to give her a small kiss before leading her back into the cafeteria. Spike quickly sat down and grabbed Buffy’s hips, directing her onto his lap.

“What’d we miss?” Buffy smiled at the rest of their friends obviously engaged in a heated argument.

“They’re just arguing who was hotter in Cruel Intentions. Kathryn or Annette. Oh and Andrew says its Sebastian.”

Spike lifted his index finger before piping up “Kathryn definitely.” Buffy frowned at his reply but was cut off quickly as Spike’s mouth descended on hers. “No pouting luv. You got Pierce Brosnan. It’s only fair. Besides that actress looks a lot like you.” Buffy couldn’t find fault with his reasoning so she shrugged and kissed him again.

“Is there a chair shortage?”

“Well, no. At least I don’t think so. I mean there are plenty of chairs over there.” Willow pointed across the cafeteria.

“I don’t believe I was speaking to you Ms. Rosenberg. Now if Ms. Summers or Mr. Pratt would like to answer.” Under the glare of Mr. Snyder, Buffy slid into the chair next to Spike.

“Better. I would hate to have to tell Principal Flutie about your behavior.” He gave her a small smirk before walking away. As soon as his back was turned Buffy slid back into her place on Spike’s lap.

“I still can’t believe your mother dated Principal Flutie. She seems like such a grounded and classy woman.” Cordelia shuddered.

“Cordy please stop the visual. You weren’t the one who had to call him Bob and have dinner with him.” It was Buffy’s turn to shudder. “That was a scary three months.” She glanced quickly at the clock before hopping up off of Spike’s lap and grabbing his hand.

They both bid goodbye to their friends and set off towards Buffy’s locker.

“Luv are you sure your ok?”

“Ok with what?” Buffy looked up at him, a puzzled expression taking over her features.

“John and what we talked about earlier.”

“Oh yeah. I’m fine Spike.”

“And you would tell me if there was something wrong?” He pulled her to a stop and gazed into her eyes, waiting for an answer.

“Absolutely. But it’s really not that big of a deal, trust me.” Buffy’s eyes darted as she struggled to look anywhere but his.

“Fuck!” Spike’s eyes bugged as he clung to the passenger side door of the Highlander.
“Buffy! Slow Down!”

“Would you chill out you big weenie” Buffy glared at him before swerving around the corner, barely missing pedestrians on the sidewalk.

“’M tryin’ to. ‘f you would stay on the road I could relax a bit”

“I am on the road…well mostly!” Buffy huffed as she once again swerved away from the sidewalk.
Spike closed his eyes and tightened his grip on the door handle, silently thanking all deities they were close to the Bronze and would soon be out of the death mobile. With a lurch his prayers were answered. Buffy quickly put the car in park and hopped out of the SUV.

“See? Totally safe! Not a single mark and nothing‘s broken!” Buffy gestured to the car and then to herself. Spike took a few moments to check himself for injuries before climbing out of the car and taking Buffy’s hand before leading her as far away as possible from the source of what were sure to be his worst nightmares.

“Luv, you can’t drive.” Spike tried to soften the blow by giving her a quick kiss before they walked into the nightclub.

“I so can! I even have my driver’s license and I still don’t know why you won’t let me drive your precious car. It’s not like it’s actually worth anything…”

“Who said anything about my car pet?” Spike watched her with a confused expression. Her features quickly changed from surprise to anger.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask Harmony?” She quickly untangled her hand from Spike’s before turning on her heel towards a group of their friends already at a table.
Spike could only watch as she stormed off, his mind reeling as he tried to find an explanation for her behavior.

It took him only seconds before he was hot on her heels. As he dodged through the mass of people between them, he thought back on every scenario that involved talking to Harmony. He finally caught her at the table sitting with Willow, Xander and Cordelia.

“What the hell are you on about?” Spike growled at her as she took her seat next to Willow.

“What do you mean ‘what the hell am I on about‘? And keep your voice down.” Buffy growled back at him, her face contorting in anger.

“Harmony? What the hell were you spouting off about Harm?”

“Why don’t you go ask her!” Buffy pointed towards the bar where the ditzy blonde was flirting with bartender.

“Bloody hell Buffy! I don’t want to talk to the stupid bint. I want to talk to you.” Spike let his hands fall dejectedly to his sides. He stood watching as she tried to compose herself and assume a blank expression.

“Fine! Let’s talk. Answer me this! How long have you been sleeping with Harmony?”

Spike blanched. His jaw nearly hit the floor with her accusation. “I-I what?”

“Nice Spike. Don’t even try to deny it. You know what… you two are meant for each other.” Buffy turned her teary eyes away from him before nodding to Willow and following the redhead away from the table.

“I would follow her man” The house band’s bass player, Oz, stood behind Spike and motioned towards the fleeing duo.


Buffy stood with Willow in front of the mirrors in the ladies restroom. She dabbed at her eyes with a tissue, trying to stop the flow of tears.

“Buffy, what happened?” Willow tried to console her friend. Her hand gently running over the blonde’s back in a comforting gesture.

“I-I don’t know. I just blew up at him. Harmony was saying that she drove his car a couple of times and I just…” The tears kept coming but for a different reason than she was telling.

“Buffy, do you think Spike is sleeping with Harmony?” At Buffy’s shake of the head, Willow gave her friend one last pat on the back before opening the bathroom door and revealing Spike on the opposite side of it.

Spike stood at the door, unsure if he should enter the small bathroom. When Buffy’s tear-filled green eyes met his own blue ones he felt the urge to run to her and comfort his girl. It took mere seconds before he charged towards her, bringing her body flush against his. He slowly ran his hands down her back while whispering words of endearment to her.

Buffy pulled away after a few moments and gently kissed his chin before speaking.

“I’m sorry Spike. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I know you would never cheat on me…”

“Especially with Harmony luv. Do you want to tell me what that was really about luv or do I have to guess?”

“I want to tell you Spike, but I can’t. I just can’t. I can tell you it has nothing to do with you. You’ve been more than I could ever hope for or ever deserve.”
“You deserve the world pet” Buffy shook her head ‘no’ before he continued, “You deserve nothing less than the best. You are my reason, my everything, my love. You make my day complete. Even in those yummy sushi pajamas you’re so fond of” She let out a small chuckle before he continued, “And god…when we’re together, it’s heaven. You take me to heaven luv. Why would I want another woman when you take me to new heights every time?”

“Spike, I’m not worth it. I don’t deserve you.” She broke into tears yet again. She let the tears fall as his arms wrapped around her. “Not after everything… You don’t know what I’ve done. What I’ve had to do.”

“Buffy please tell me sweetheart. I want to make it all better. I want to be able to slay your demons but you have to let me in first. Can you tell me? Please?” They both sank to floor, desperately holding onto each other.

“I can’t Spike. I can’t tell anyone. You don’t know what would happen. I can’t. You would hate me…”

“Baby I’m right here with you. Not going anywhere. You can tell me.”

“Spike can we just let it go? I just can’t tell you, not now. Maybe later though. Please can we just try to salvage this night?” Buffy looked up at him with wide-eyes, silently begging him to let her retreat away from her damaged self.

“As long as you promise to tell me soon.”

“Agreed” Buffy gave him a small smile. She silently vowed to herself that perhaps one day she would tell him.

Buffy changed quickly into a pair of shorts and long t-shirt, humming a senseless tune as she readied for bed after the Bronze that evening. She gave a little smile as she remembered his hands skimming over her bare flesh. His lips dragging across her heated skin as he made love to her. His hands buried in her hair as he worshipped her body. Minus the seatbelt buckles getting in the way, the night had been perfect. His body so close to hers as he claimed her as his own. She belonged to him…mind, soul and body. She shook her head as the nagging thoughts returned.

She could never be solely his.

“Buffy”

She spun at the sound of his deep baritone voice behind her. His large paws gripped at her waist as he pulled her closer to him. His tongue licking a path from behind her ear to her collarbone. She resisted the urge to cringe. The bruising grip on her hips was even to keep her from feeling pleasure and she was almost grateful, although she knew the next part would be pure hell. One hand dipped into her shorts and she finally broke free from the terror that held her still for too long.

“Stop”

His hand crept even further into her shorts, gently stroking her inner thigh, as his face came over her shoulder to meet her eyes. “What did you say?” His voice rough and hard as he dared her to make him stop, to put an end to her torture and agony.

“I said stop!” She tried to wriggle away from his grip, only to be shoved into the counter in front of her. Her hands flew in front of her to lessen the impact to the rest of her body as his own covered her backside as she struggled against him.

“Now Buffy why would you want me to stop? Don’t you just beg for it every time you come home? Dream of it when his hands are on you. Little boy doesn’t know how to please as woman like you. Not like I can. I can smell him on you.” Her eyes widened at his last statement and briefly wondered how much pleasure he was going to take in erasing Spike from her mind tonight. “His cologne. It’s in your hair. Not just the vanilla but I can smell him on you. Let me guess… you sucked him off? Did you do it like I taught you?”
She could see his smirk in the reflection of the mirror as he continued fondling and tearing her clothes away from her body. With her shorts down to her knees, she felt herself beginning to give up the fight. The humiliation of it all was too much. It just wasn’t worth it to fight him anymore. She only caused herself more pain in the end.

A last spark of flame rose in her eyes as she decided that she was going to fight. She was going to scream to the high heavens if it got him away from her until…

“Joyce wouldn’t be too pleased to hear about her daughter fucking her fiancé would she?”

“Y-you?”

“Y-yeah. Proposed tonight. Looks like I’m going to be around for awhile.” He leaned in once more to whisper in her ear. “ Don’t even think about it Buffy. Say anything and I will destroy you, your little boyfriend and mostly importantly… your mother.”

“Why?” Her voice sounded weak and defeated, even to her own ears.

“Why not?” John pulled his body off hers and re-adjusted her shorts up onto her hips. He stepped back up behind when he was finished and smiled sweetly. “I love you Buffy. You’re my girl. By the way, those tickets to the ice show are downstairs on the kitchen table. Grab them before you leave tomorrow. Good seats too. Only the best for my girl.” He gave her a parting kiss to her temple before striding out of the bathroom and down the hall.

She took a minute to calm herself, splashing water over her face while listening for any movement outside the closed door. Hearing nothing, she crept into her bedroom and tucked herself tightly under the covers. Her mind raced as she tried to convince herself to sleep. It would have almost been easier if he had just done it. The physical pain she could take, it was the emotional that tore a little more of her heart out each time.

Every time she looked at her mother, her heart broke and shame flooded her body. Silent tears fell but were never acknowledged. Her mother’s smiling face destroyed her a little at a time. Every single time she worked up the courage to speak out her mother would smile and her walls of resolve would crumble. The secret she bore would destroy not only her mother but her friends and…

Spike.

With tears in her eyes she settled amongst the various blankets and pillows on the bed willing herself to sleep. She never noticed the man standing in the doorway, his eyes settled on her form as she tried to sleep.

He watched her as she slept. Her long blond hair fanned out on the pale pink pillows. So juvenile for his little temptress. That wicked girl that had captured him at first glance, three years ago. So young and innocent until he broke her in right. He could still remember that night as though it were yesterday. Her tiny voice pleading with him, begging him. The smell of her hair as he thrust himself into her tight virginal passage. He took a couple of steps towards the bed until he was standing next to it. His hand grazed the side of her cheek until it traced the pout of her lower lip. He lowered himself on the bed, towering over her. His hands took free reign over her body as he unbuckled his pants and lowered them. He continued to stroke her skin softly and waited.

He waited…until her eyes fluttered open and widened on impact of seeing him on top of her.

“J-john? What are you doing?” Buffy tried to control her heart rate but the feeling of him so close and the heat radiating from his bare skin was enough to set it into overdrive.

“Did you actually think I would let you go to sleep without wiping that boy’s stench off of you?”

Buffy eyes flew open in pain as he thrust himself into her dry passage. She felt herself growing numb from countless exercises to escape the pain and as she did she let her head drop to the side, still maintaining eye contact with him. She would be damned if she gave him the satisfaction of intimidating her enough to give up her self-worth.

He let out a long grunt before he collapsed on top of her. Her body sinking further into the mattress as she tried to escape his bulky frame. Her bulged as she felt his semen flow steadily out of her tiny body and let out a small gasp. For the second time in one night there was no protection. Not from the physical nor the emotional.

The next day at school Buffy hid under her long locks, covering her body with baggy jeans and over-sized t-shirt. A million things ran around her mind and she made it a point to not look anyone in the eye instead focusing intently on the ground as she shuffled from class to class until she ran into the very person she was avoiding.

“Luv you alright?” Spike’s hand cupped her cheek as he brought her eyes up to meet his own.

“Fine Spike. I’m just fine although if you would move I would be better. You’re kind of in my way and I need to get to class.” Buffy edged around his solid body, almost to freedom, when she felt his hand clasp her upper arm.

“Only class you have now is lunch and you’re going in the wrong direction pet.” He moved her closer to him before shifting his hand to rest at her lower back, directing her towards the cafeteria. “What’s with you today? Wouldn’t talk to me before class, during class and now you look like a deer caught in the headlights.”

“I told you Spike, I’m fine. There’s nothing to tell. I just wanted to be alone for awhile.”

“Right and I’m the bloody Easter bunny. Try that one on someone who doesn’t know you. There’s something rollin’ round that noggin of yours and I’m determined to find out what it is.” He pressed a quick kiss to her temple before taking her bag, watching as she took a seat, her head still down. He took the seat next to her and waggled cold French fries in front of her face.

“What the hell are you doing?” Buffy flicked the soggy fry away from her face, cracking a grin when it split in two and hit the side of Xander’s head.

“Was trying to make you laugh kitten. Is it working?” Spike gave a boyish grin before ducking the fry she sent his way.

“The fries help. Mm and so does the kissing” Buffy leaned into him as he pressed kisses to her lips.

“Hey did you guys hear about Harmony?” The normally shy redhead piped up from the corner seat where she was ducking flying pepperoni from Xander.

“What about Slutony?” Buffy rolled her eyes thinking about the flirtatious moronic blond girl.

It was Willow that spoke up again, “She’s pregnant. She won’t say who the father is though. I guess it really could be anyone.”

Most of the table turned towards the Brit still playing with French fries.

“What?” Spike’s eyes widened as he realized the implication they were making. “Bloody hell no! No bloody way! Not since me ‘n Buffy got together. Wouldn’t touch that bird with ten foot pole.”

“Alright Spike. We get it. Down boy!” Xander waved his arms in mock defeat. “Anyway I heard it was Jonathon. You know…he who lives for anything geek.”

“And here I thought it was you who lived for the geek squad Xander. When did that change?” Cordelia mocked the teen across the table.

“Jonathon? I heard it was Parker or maybe Angel but Jonathon?”

“It’s not Angel. He came out of the closet last week. Aura and Melody saw him totally kissing Andrew outside the bathrooms at the Bronze last Friday. I mean you saw those pants today right? Come on purple went out years ago.” Cordelia added.

“Bloody bird’s off her rocker. Who the hell would want a kid at 17?” Spike looked down, missing Buffy’s bewildered glance in his direction, and played with the remaining soggy fries in front of him.

“So what would you do if I were pregnant?” Buffy watched his expression darken as she tried to hide her own fear.

“Not an issue pet. Don’t need to talk about that now. Got our lives all planned out. We’ll get married after college, wait a couple years, and then we’ll have a couple ‘f kiddies.”

“I’m talking about right now Spike. What if I were pregnant right now? What would you do?”

“There’s no point in talking ‘bout this pet. If you were then there are ways ‘round it.” Spike shrugged at her before joining in the conversation across the table, only turning around when he noticed his girlfriend had fled the table minutes before. “Where’s Buffy?”

“Oh she left about ten minutes ago. She said goodbye to you but you were talking to Xander about Star Wars.”

“Bugger” Spike shook his head before standing and surveying the cafeteria for the petite blond before heading out to the main hall to search for her. As he rounded the corner towards the library for the second time, he ran in to Willow.

“Oh good I found you…Buffy, uh, she wanted me to tell you that she won’t be able to meet you after school or at the Bronze on Friday. Actually she said it might be better if you two ‘cool it’. So I’ll just be going now” Willow shrugged and let out a relieved sigh that the usually temperamental teen in front of her didn’t seem to have registered what she had just told him. She made it only a couple of steps when his hand shot out and grabbed her upper arm, effectively holding her in place as he came to stand in front of her once again.

“She wants to what? When the hell did that happen? Where was I? Bloody Hell! She knows she’s my entire world, doesn’t she? ” He added the last part in defeat as he watched the redhead shake her head.

“Look Spike that’s what she said and I wouldn’t bother trying to find her. She said she was going for a drive and wouldn’t be home ‘til late. Please don’t kill me. ”

“Not going to hurt you Red. Just want to know what’s got my girl so spooked. First the thing with Harmony at the Bronze and now this, girl’s not thinking right. Look, tell Giles I’ll be out for the rest of the day. I’ve got to go catch her before she decides she really doesn’t need me anymore.”

On the other side of town the petite blond sat in the sand as she watched the waves crash before her. Her thoughts reeling as she thought back over the day. The morning had started out normally, well minus the fact that John had left bruises on her inner thighs this time. She idly traced the outline of one of the more prominent bruises, guarded by her baggy jeans. With every touch she cringed at the pain, the sounds, and the sensations that had flooded her body that very morning. It was the first time she had had an orgasm from the abuse and she felt dirty, unclean. So much so that the thought of wading into the water to end it all seemed welcoming as she focused on her breathing as tears cascaded down her cheeks. She never noticed the black Desoto pulling into the parking lot behind her.

He sat in the car for a few moments more just watching her. Her long blond hair danced across her face in the gentle breeze and he was sure her green eyes were sparkling. In the time she had left the school and now, he realized she had discarded the over-sized t-shirt for a black spaghetti-strapped tank that outlined her soft curves. As a multitude of descriptors came to mind, he settled on effulgent. His girl glowed in the remaining light of the setting sun making her seem almost ethereal in appearance. Her beauty entranced him every time he saw her or even thought of her and he wanted nothing more than to dash to her and take her into his embrace forever or at least as long as she would let him.

Slowly he opened the car door and trudged through the sand towards his beacon of light, his fallen angel. He stood behind her for a moment, almost startled that she hadn’t noticed him or didn’t care who was behind her. He reached a hand out to touch her shoulder, surprised when she laughed in response to his touch.

“I was wondering when you were going to show up. Personally, I thought it would have been sooner.” She smiled back at him and patted the sand beside her. “Take a seat.”

“How did you know it was me pet?” Spike took a seat next to her in the sand, resisting the urge to take her hand in his own.

“I always know when you’re around.” Buffy grinned at his puzzled expression. “It’s your cologne and well, the nicotine smells helps. Uniquely Spike.” She playfully bumped his shoulder as she wrapped her arm around his waist.

“Really? Then it’s a good thing I’ve got Buffy radar. So are you ready to tell me what happened earlier? Willow said you didn’t want to see me anymore. Is that true pet?” His eyes began to water as he choked out the last statement.

“Have you ever walked out in the rain Spike?” Buffy returned her gaze back to the crashing waves along the beach, mesmerized by the water.

“Sure I have pet, just not quite following you ‘round the bend you seem to be halfway ‘round already. Since you asked, I’ve walked in it a couple times with you too.”

“When you walked through it, what were you thinking about?”

“Thinking ‘bout how lucky I am to have you”

“That’s what I thought. I’m not a good person Spike. There’s thing I’ve… have you ever thought about just letting the water take you over?”

“Buffy, you’re scaring me luv. Please just tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it.”

Buffy gave a humorless laugh, “Don’t you get it Spike, you can’t fix it. No one can fix it but me.” She stood and stepped closer to the water. “Tell me you’ve never thought about just sitting in the water and letting everything just slip away or how you’ve never thought about taking that blade and dragging it across your skin, to feel the metal slip under your skin and drag across. See all that blood as it just drips, drips, and drips as everything fades away. Tell me you’ve never thought of those things! C’mon Spike, tell me I’m crazy!”

“What are you talking about? Let me help sweetheart. You’re still my girl and…”

“I am not your girl. I could never be your girl!” She spun towards him as soon as the stinging words left her mouth.

At her declaration, Spike took a step away from her, his expression a mixture of confusion and hurt with a trace of longing as he gazed at her shaking form.

“On my God Spike, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean you, not you, never you…. Please believe me!” Buffy took a step closer to his still-retreating form before dropping to her knees in defeat.

Spike watched as she fell, her form wracked with wet sobbing but found himself glued to the spot where he stood watching her. “Buffy, pet, if you didn’t mean me then who were you talking about?”

“I can’t Spike, not now…not yet. Please don’t make me; please don’t make me say it. I just can’t yet…” Harder sobs wracked her body as her head hit the sand, her hands running manically through her hair as she grabbed for anything that would tie her to the world around her.

In three long strides he was clutching her shaking body to his own as he rocked her gently. Soothing her clawing hands was a different matter as she tugged at her hair and scraped her fingers over any flesh she could find. He tucked her body into his as he effectively clenched her hands in his own, still rocking her against his warm body and whispering words of comfort to her.

“You don’t have to tell me anything sweetheart. Not yet, not yet but please promise me you’ll tell someone soon, doesn’t have to be me. Don’t want my girl scared, don’t want her in pain, would never want to see you in pain sweetheart. ‘s killing me now that I can’t help you, can’t fix it for my girl…”

Buffy’s tears began to fade as she melted into his comforting embrace and she let herself imagine that nothing that had happened the morning was real. She was safe with Spike and she was going to be fine. “Thank you.”

It took only two words to melt his heart as he turned his head to the side to look her in the eye. He titled lower to accept her loving kiss, reveling in the fact that she was seeking comfort in him still. He allowed her to move her hands and grinned when they made their way to his face and stroked his cheekbones.

“You’re my everything Spike. Please remember that always. Don’t let me destroy us.” She didn’t wait long for an answer before his lips descended on hers, seeking and begging for entrance, which she granted in a short second. “Make me forget Spike, please make me forget.”

He nodded his head before lowering her to the sand, never losing contact with her heated, supple flesh.

“Buffy pet are you sure you want to do this?” Spike carefully held his weight over her petite frame as she ran her fingernails lightly down his back, causing him to shiver in pleasure.

“I want you to fuck me Spike. I want you to fuck me within an inch of my life, make me scream your name. Please Spike, I need it.” She leaned up to capture his lips, only to miss when he pulled away from her.

“’S not fucking pet, it could never be fucking or screwing, not with you. With you it’s making love and ‘til you understand that ‘m not doing a damned thing.” He ran his hand lightly down the inside of her thigh as he moved to sit at her side in the sand.

“Spike! Come on! I’m here waiting and wanting and you’re what? Going to throw this away because I called it fucking?” Buffy played with the hem of her shirt, exposing her tanned and toned midriff, as she fought the urge to jump him then and there. “Fine, I’ll call it ‘making love’ if you want but would you please just get over here!”

“Nope, you’re not taking this seriously pet. ‘M not doing a thing ‘til you can accept that it’s going to be making love, can’t just call it that if you don’t mean it.” Spike leaned back on his elbows beside her, taking in the view of her soft curves in the tight tank.

“Spike I can’t, you know I can’t say it. I can feel it and do feel it for you but I can’t say it and I’m certainly not going to relate it to sex. I’m sorry but I can’t do that and if you’re unwilling to get over it then we really have a problem. I’ve given you my heart, body, and soul but I cannot say those words…” She didn’t have time to finish her tirade before his body was crashing down on hers, hands dancing along her exposed flesh as he searched the caverns of her mouth.

“Mmm fuck Spike…fuck me. Make it all go away…make me yours again” Buffy cringed as her last words caused him to pull back again. ‘Stupid hormone-driven brain’. She could have mentally-slapped herself for being so stupid as to bring up the issue again.

“Make you forget what kitten? What are you trying to forget?” Spike questioned anxiously as he fought to gain control over his body, her hands lightly grazing over the bulge in his pants and caressing the exposed flesh of his lower abdomen.

“Nothing, Spike, it’s nothing. Can we just…go back to what we were doing?” She captured the back of his head, threading her fingers through his hair as she kissed him with all the passion she possessed, willing him to take her over. He relented as her hot hand cupped him through his jeans, her fingers working their way to his zipper. His own fingers tugged at her shirt as he pulled it over her head and flung it to the side, exposing her perfect breasts to him. His mouth plundered on them, licking across as he memorized her taste.

“Ow... ow...Spike stop!” His touch stopped immediately, roaming fingers leaping from her flesh as though burned.

“What? What did I do?” His eyes bugged as he tried to find the reasoning behind her pain.

“Rock”

“Rock? What rock?” Spike gazed down at her with a confused expression marring his normally relaxed features.

“The one under my back, whoever said beach sex was the most romantic thing in the world lied…oh and that crab has been staring at us for the past ten minutes.” Buffy pointed at a wayward crab sitting a few feet away from the panting couple.

“Still want to do this pet?” Spike silently prayed she would say yes, he was far too gone to stop.

“Definitely, I want you to fu…make…I can’t say it…just do it Spike” Buffy squirmed beneath him, waiting for his body to lift off of her own.

“’S alright pet” His lips attacked hers again as they pulled at each others clothing, his leather duster the only thing keeping them from being exposed to the entire beach. As her hot hand encircled his throbbing cock, his eyes rolled back in his head. His golden goddess clawed at his back while positioning him at her entrance. He gulped as he seated himself in her tight passage, waiting for her to adjust to his size before he rolled his hips, eliciting a gasp from her.

“Love you, God, I love you Buffy…always my girl…always”

Buffy felt her mind shutting down as he spoke words of reverence to her as she struggled to stay in the present with him. Her eyes clouded as her vision turned hazy and faded to black…

“My girl…always my girl…let that little scoundrel put his hands all over you…told you there would be hell to pay…do you love me Buffy?” He pounded himself into her dry passage as he held her gaze, daring her to look away. “I said do…you…love…me?” He thrust harder with every word until she finally nodded and cleared her throat.

“I love you…I love you…I love you” She said the words as fast as she could, wishing they were the words to her freedom from the pain and horror of his nightly visits.

“Say my name Buffy. Tell me you love me but say my name. Let me know you aren’t thinking of the boy.”

“I love you…I love you John…please” Buffy begged for him to stop, instead he thrust towards his own completion unaware and uncaring of the toll he was taking on her body and mind.

“Kiss me Buffy” His request made her physically ill as she grabbed the back of his head to bring him closer to her. She knew better than to deny him what he wanted, the pain only grew more intense the more she resisted and he found new ways to torture her.

As he rolled off of her and pulled up his pants he took one last longing gaze over her spent body before leaning down to kiss her forehead one last time and leaving the room. She lay amidst the sweat-stained sheets as she fought back the tears threatening to burst forth.

As she shook her head she realized it was not the dark hair of her tormentor but rather the platinum blonde of her desired lover that bent over her, his blue eyes searching her green ones as he worshipped her body.

“Love you Buffy…”

“Stop saying that Spike, just don’t say that…anything but that. Tell me you want me, tell me you need me but please don’t say those words again” Buffy pleaded with him as she matched the rhythm of his hips, clinging to his arms and silently begging him to take away her pain.

“I need you Buffy, come with me pet…need to see you come” He smirked as she screamed out her release mere seconds before doing the same.
He carefully wrapped his arms around her as they lay together watching the waves crash against the sand.

“Crab is still watching us and I have places sand should never be”

They lay wrapped in each others arm watching the waves for several minutes more before the bleached blonde’s hand began to stroke the inside of his counterparts thigh. His other hand idly played with her golden locks and she relaxed further into his embrace. Buffy tried to hide the wince as he brushed against a particularly sensitive bruise. Unfortunately it wasn’t subtle enough as he tugged on her shoulder to face him before ducking down to inspect her inner thigh.

“Pet, what’s with the bruises?” Spike gently caressed around the blackened flesh in a reverent manner as he gazed into her watering eyes.

“I, uh, I walked into a door?” Buffy cringed at her own lame excuse.

“Right and I’m Santa Claus. Try another one luv ‘cause I’m not buying it. These don’t look like you walked into a bloody door, they’re fingerprints. Tell me what’s going on Buffy. I can’t help unless you tell me and I want to help you kitten.”

“Spike it’s really nothing, doesn’t even hurt that much anymore from…the fight with the door.” She tried to distract his wandering gaze by softly kissing his lips but failed miserably as he ducked down once more to inspect the rest of her body for marks. He found even more on the backs of her thighs and lower back.

“Now I see why you were just screwing me. Who is it Buffy? Is it Parker? Xander? Please tell me you’re not fucking Xander! Please tell me you aren’t screwing my best friend!” Spike stood, quickly pulled up his jeans and refastening them as he threw Buffy her clothes and walked several paces away from her.

“Spike, you don’t understand. I never…” Buffy stopped for a moment to pull the tank over her head and refasten the loose jeans, trying not to wince as the fabric hit her bruises. “I never…not with them. I wouldn’t do that to you. I’m not that much of a heartless bitch.”

“So it was Angel then? Doyle? Maybe you’ve been fucking Gunn. Who was it Buffy?” He grabbed at her shoulders, shaking her small frame, undoubtedly leaving more bruises to mar her flesh.

“None of them, I haven’t touched any of them. You wouldn’t understand Spike and get your damn hands off me!” Buffy flung his bruising grip off of her and stepped back several paces, glaring at him hard.

“What the bloody hell is wrong with you lately? You want to fuck as long as I don’t get too close and now there are bruises that I know I didn’t cause. What the fuck is going on Buffy? What the hell happened today?” The muscles in his jaw ticked as he waited for her answer, fists balling by his sides.

“There is nothing wrong with me Spike, don’t you ever insinuate there is something wrong with me ever again! You want to know what’s going on Spike. I’ll tell you…it happens every night and some mornings. I have no choice Spike! Don’t you get that?”
Buffy spun on her heel to walk away from him, her hand clenching her keys hard enough to leave raised marks on her palm.

He caught her halfway to the parking lot, his hand resting on her shoulder. “Please pet talk to me. What did you mean it happens every night? Is someone hurting you? Is it your mom…John?”

Buffy closed her eyes on the second name and willed herself to breathe. Her mind raced as she tried to stay in the present with the man in front of her. She covered her arms in an effort to ward off the non-existent cold as she tried to stop trembling.

“Answer me this one question luv- Do you love me?” Spike silently prayed she wouldn’t break his heart for the second time in one day; he could only take so much.

“Yes, I do Spike…I just I-I can’t tell you everything right now. I’m scared Spike. I-I might be…” Buffy ducked her head, unwilling to meet his sympathetic gaze. She didn’t want the pity; she just wanted to be Buffy again, the happy and carefree girl she once was. The looks at school were hard enough, the constant wondering about who knew her deep, dark secret.

“What, what are you Buffy?”

“I-I might be pregnant Spike and I don’t know…”

“Are you screwing anyone else? Is there any chance it might not be mine?”

Buffy thought long and hard about the exact implications of the question. Technically she wasn’t really having sex with anyone else- at least consensually but did that even count? She was forced into it so did that mean she was actually cheating on him or something else? She blinked several times to clear her mind.

“You’re taking a little too long to answer this pet and I think I’ve just found my answer. Goodbye Buffy. Tell Red to tell me when you find out.” Buffy’s eyes widened as his black-clad frame walked away from her to his car, only pausing to start the ignition before he drove off.

She dropped to her knees in the sand as the wracking sobs took over her body. She struggled to breathe as she watched the black Desoto drive away from her, from them. He was gone and there was nothing she could do about it- they were over. Her heart felt like it was going to pound straight out of her chest as she dry-heaved into the sand, her hands clutching at the grainy soil. As the heaving slowed to a stop she sat in the sand for several moments more before heading towards her car. She refused to let anymore tears fall for someone who clearly didn’t want her anymore.

As she started the car and pulled out the parking lot she kept whispering her mantra ‘It wasn’t my fault’ the entire drive home, praying John wouldn’t be waiting for her.
She replayed the last conversation with Spike over in her head as she tried to find the tripping point. None of it actually mattered though.

She was alone again. His last words declared her fate; there was no one else to run to. It was over.

‘Goodbye Buffy’

5 years later...

Buffy sat in the beige-toned waiting area of the plush office as she toyed impatiently with gold watch adorning her left wrist. She adjusted her black slacks for what felt like the millionth time as she waited for the doctor to retrieve her. In what had to be a test of patience and wills, she waited, resisting the urge to pace the small room and alert the other clients to her anxiety. The room seemed smaller than when she had first entered and she checked the path to the doorway one more time, ensuring it was still clear if she needed to run.

“Buffy?” Buffy’s head whipped up at the sight of the older brunette woman standing in front of her with a welcoming smile. The woman beckoned her into a back office and motioned for her to sit on the dark leather couch. As she sat Buffy noticed the picture in the corner had changed from last weeks session. It had been a portrait of the woman’s daughter and now housed a photo of her entire family, right on down to the yellow Lab in front of the picket fence. Unconsciously, Buffy toyed with the platinum rings adorning her left ring finger as she waited for the doctor to say anything at all and start the hour off.

***

“Buffy? Did you want to say anything before we start?” Dr. Victoria Bennett waited for the blonde’s focus to re-enter the room before continuing. “How’s Dawn?”

Buffy smiled as an image of her bubbly daughter entered her mind. “She’s good, real good. She has a dance recital at the school this Friday, she’s dancing one of the leads. Her teacher said she may be one of the best he’s seen in a long time.”

“What about your husband? You shared some distress over your marriage in last week’s session. How are you two doing this week?” Dr. Bennett noticed Buffy stop rubbing at her rings and promptly scribbled down a couple of notes.

“He’s good I guess. He’s my Mr. Wonderful, always there when I need to talk. He wants me to talk to my mother soon, says it might help with my healing and Dawnie needs to know her grandmother but how can I let Dawn meet the woman that wouldn’t believe me when I told her? Why should I let her anywhere near Dawn when she chose to stay with John and call me a liar? Should I want Dawn to know her?”

“Buffy I want you to take a step back. What did we say two weeks ago about the ‘should’? You are not responsible nor obligated to include your mother or her actions in your everyday life. You’ve been married four years now?” At Buffy’s hesitant nod, she continued. “Do you trust your husband?”

“Of course I do. Why on earth would I marry him if I didn’t?” Buffy clenched at the Kleenex wadded in her hand, knuckles white from exertion.

“Do you trust your mother?” Dr. Bennett continued, noting the difference in her patients’ demeanor as the topic shifted.

“No. She betrayed my trust a long time ago.”

“When you were 16 did you trust John?”

Buffy thought about it for a moment before nodding her head vigorously. “There was nothing to distrust about him. He told me he loved me and everything would be alright.”

“Buffy, was the rape your fault?”

Buffy hesitated at the question. In her mind she knew nothing that had happened was her fault but her heart told her differently. In the back of her mind, she concocted different scenarios that would have ended the situation much faster than it had. If she had been quicker, fought more, locked the door, told someone… “I don’t know”

“Buffy, there was nothing you could have done when it was happening. Looking back at it maybe there were but right then and there, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening. He was the adult in the situation, he knew better. He took advantage of your trust. I want you to repeat after me ‘It was not my fault’.”

Buffy repeated the words in a monotone fashion not really registering the impact behind them. Her gaze shifted to the clock. Only twenty minutes into the session and she was getting fidgety.

“Buffy, what would you say to your sixteen year old self?”

“Huh?” Buffy’s gaze returned to the smiling therapist as her brow lifted in confusion.

“If you could go back in time what would you tell your sixteen year old self…fifteen…fourteen, it doesn’t matter. When do you wish you could tell yourself to not let him through that door? When could you tell your mother or this Spike person?”
Dr. Bennett went back to jotting down notes on the yellow legal pad as she waited for the trigger to start.

“Why would you bring up Spike? Spike is dead, there is no Spike anymore. I killed him.” She frowned at the thought of his desperate expression the last time she’d seen Spike. He’d run after her trying to catch her car as she left Sunnydale in the dust. She could still see his forlorn expression as she watched him collapse against the ‘Welcome to Sunnydale’ sign as she pulled onto the highway. That had been the last time she’d ever laid eyes on Spike and she regretted it everyday.

“Alright, Spike is dead. What would you have done differently?”

“I would have told him. There were so many times I could have but didn’t. I would’ve told my mom about Dawnie…” The tears started at the mention of her daughter’s name. Her gorgeous blue-eyed, brunette, wonderful daughter.

“It was because of Dawn that you decided to come see me wasn’t it?” Dr. Bennett asked the question rhetorically as she started in on another. “When did the nightmares start exactly?”

“When were they ever gone would be the better question. They started back up again when Dawn was two.” Buffy fidgeted on the leather couch, her right hand nervously toying with the rings on her left hand again.

“Why was that?”

“My mom called again. John had a heart attack and she wanted us to fly in to see him in the hospital.”

“And did you?”

“Yes”

“Alright, I want you to think about why you went back to Sunnydale when you’ve said in the past it’s been one of your worst regrets. Same time next week?” Dr. Bennett gave the anxious blonde a fierce hug before sending her back into the real world. An hour wasn’t enough to deal with all of her anxieties but would put a damper on some of the dread and fear she was already feeling.

Buffy headed quickly towards her black Toyota Prius, smiling at people along her path and checking her cell phone for missed calls.

There were two. Both from her loving and charming husband who’d got past her emotional barriers and into heart. The man who despite everything stayed with her and the ghosts of her past as she struggled daily to simply survive. She quickly dialed her home number and smiled at the deep baritone voice on the other end with his loving welcome.

“Hey honey, I’m coming back home.”

5 years before… Sunnydale, California

Buffy took her time driving home as she wiped the tears from her eyes. She idly flipped the radio stations as she kept herself busy but nothing would kill the pain of Spike walking away from her. The entire discussion had gone wrong from the get-go and she almost wished he had never followed her to the beach. She almost wished that she had decided to sit and let the water take her over. Surely drowning couldn’t be as bad as everyone said it was. It had to be better than digging a razorblade into her wrist or slashing her own throat. Or maybe pills or hanging would have worked. Her mother’s depression pills might work but then again she had heard horror stories of overdoses going wrong. She wanted to do it right the first time, not wind up in the loony bin for her troubles. She wanted to spare her parents the sight of finding her bloody body lain somewhere for the masses to find. No, drowning would have been better. They might have found her body weeks later and ruled it an accident. No need for her mother to have to take time out of her own life to worry about why her only daughter took her own life. No inquisition from her friends that wondered and certainly no reason to worry Spike about it all, but then again, he had just walked away from her so easily. He probably wouldn’t even care enough to cry at her funeral. He certainly had shown no emotion when he left her crying on the beach so why bother considering his own feelings when she was gone.

Buffy continued to drive around the small town as she talked herself into and out of the grand plan of wading into the shore and just drifting away. She passed happy families as they strolled down the main street without a care in the world. She chuckled mindlessly as she passed them and could only think of what horrors they were hiding behind their grinning faces. It took two hours before she finally made it into the driveway of the picturesque home.

‘All we need is a fuckin’ Golden Retriever and the picture would be complete’ Buffy rolled her eyes at the slightly overgrown garden and the tall oaks on the front lawn as she made her way to the door, unnoticing of the figure sitting on the porch until it was too late.

“How was your day sweetheart?” Joyce Summers sat on the porch as she watched her daughter grimace with every step closer to her.

“It was fine. Look, I’m going over to Willow’s tonight if that’s cool with you.” Buffy moved to walk past her mother but was stopped by a hand to her arm.

“I want us to have a mother/daughter night, just the two of us. We haven’t seen much of each other and, well, I just want to spend some time with you. Can you call Willow and maybe do it another night?” Joyce watched her daughter with pleading eyes as she took in the baggy clothes she was wearing. It wasn’t like her daughter to refute style for comfort.

“Uh…yeah I guess we can do that. John won’t be here?” Buffy regarded her mother with a cautioned gaze as she took in the tears that adorned the older woman’s face.

“John left this morning, he won’t be back. H-he left me…he said he was sick of playing ‘house’ and wanted his freedom back. I gave him back his ring so it’s just the two of us again and Buffy, please I just want to reconnect with you. We used to be so happy together and now…I just feel like we don’t talk and when we do, we fight. I want us to be happy again sweetheart. I want to know everything that’s going on in your life. Do you think we can try?”

“Yeah mom we can try” ‘Yeah let’s talk about how your ex-fiancé finger-fucked me in the hallway before dinner or how he raped me the night before. Yeah mom lets talk about it all.’ Buffy suppressed to the urge to express her seething hatred and replaced it with a quick smile before following her mother to the waiting forest green Jeep parked in the driveway.

Later at the local dinner, mother and daughter sat in silence as they sifted through French fries, burgers and milkshakes, neither one willing to make the first move. Buffy kept her head low as she spotted a couple of her friends sitting in the corner booth on the other side of the small diner chatting away having not noticed her. Her expression grew dimmer as she caught a glimpse of a bleached blonde head move towards the laughing group. She was in direct sight of her former lover and her expression dimmed further as she saw the bottle blonde practically glued to his side as he joked around with HER friends.

“…so I was thinking we could go down to the cabin for the summer before you head off to college, just have a mother/daughter bonding session while we’re there. Would you like that?”

Buffy blinked rapidly trying to dispel the image of her boyfriend…ex-boyfriend wrapped in the arms of another girl less than twenty-four hours after their break-up as she tried to think of what her mother had just said.

“Uh yeah mom that sounds great.”

“Once more with feeling if you please.” Joyce chuckled before glancing behind her to see what had caught her daughter’s gaze. She blinked a couple of times as she took in the leather-clad teen she’d thought was involved with her daughter sitting with an obnoxious-looking little hussy. “Isn’t that William? And who is he with? I thought you two were still seeing each other.”

“Not anymore. He broke up with me this afternoon and that’s Harmony Kendall, Sunnydale High’s resident slut and apparently his new girlfriend.” Buffy glanced back down at her fries before stabbing at them with her fork, imagining every single one was either Harmony or Spike.

“Why that little insolent…I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. He thinks he can do this to my daughter…no piece of trailer trash gets away with this!” Joyce stood and stormed over to the table before Buffy could give even the slightest hint of protest.

“William James Pratt! I have something to discuss with you!” Joyce loomed over the smirking teen.

Spike looked up to see a flash of blonde attached to a seriously pissed off Summers woman standing in front of him. “Can I help you with something Ms. Summers?” He tried to advert his eyes around the woman’s form in search of the girl who’d broken his heart earlier but his gaze shifted back when an index finger came within inches of his face.

“You no good son of a God damned bitch! You ought to rot in hell for what you’re doing! My God boy, did you even think about what you were doing or were you just thinking with your dick? You honestly thought you could get away with this with MY daughter? How long have you been fucking little miss bottle blonde-and- mush-for-brains? I thought you were better than that William, but I guess you are just trailer trash like everyone said. Stay the hell away from my daughter from now on! I don’t want to see you within thirty feet of our house and if you see her at school, you sure as hell better turn and walk the other way with your head down. You aren’t worthy to look at her. You’re the lowest of the low boy and the sooner you learn that cheaters get what’s coming to them the better! Believe me, you will get what’s coming to you!”

Spike stood to raise himself over the woman’s height as his jaw clenched in anger. He stared straight into Buffy’s eyes as he carefully chose his next words. “Why don’t you ask your daughter who slept around on who? By the way Joyce, don’t ever speak to me that way again and you might want to get your daughter one of those little home pregnancy tests.” At her stunned expression, he continued, enjoying the widening of the petite blonde’s eyes as she crouched lower into the shiny red plastic booth across the diner. “She didn’t tell you then, too bad. Yeah Joycie, your one ‘n only might have a bun in the oven and I’m sure as hell that it isn’t mine. Might want to question your boy there Ms. Summers, you know the girl just can’t keep her pants on, might’ve fucked your own fiancé.”

His cocky stance shrunk as Buffy ran past their table with tears flying from her face as she ran out of the diner and into the middle of the town square. It took only moments before Spike was sporting a red mark across his cheek and Joyce Summers ran after her daughter, herding her into the waiting Jeep before anyone could ask any questions.

Joyce watched her daughter out of the corner of her eye as the young girl seemed to fold within herself, the tears wracking her tiny body as she whimpered in fear and rejection. Once parked in the driveway, Joyce leaned over the seats and held the sobbing girl in an awkward but comforting gesture. She whispered heart-felt endearments to her as she made out the words ‘wasn’t my fault’ and ‘ I never cheated on him’. The statements were finished off with ‘I can’t have a baby…need to get rid of it.’ It broke the older woman’s heart to see her child in distress and she held her closer to her as she ran her hands down her back in a comforting gesture, silently reveling in the fact that she wasn’t being pushed away for her concern.

“Come on then…hot chocolate and movies tonight. I think we both need a break from the real world. We can talk about everything tomorrow but tonight is all about relaxing and new rule! No mentioning that little cretins name in our house ever again! We can use idiot or asshole or you can pick one later.” Joyce gave a thousand-watt smile as she leaned over to unhook the still-trembling girl’s seatbelt.

Buffy gave her mother a small smile before climbing out of the car and heading inside where she promptly collapsed on the couch, waiting for hot chocolate and other various comfort foods to make their way to her.

2 hours later…

A knock at the door broke the laughter of the two women as they chuckled and bonded over a private screening of ‘Princess Bride’.

“I’ll get it mom, it’s probably Willow or someone making sure I’m ok.” Buffy chuckled as her mother shot an ‘As you wish’ in her direction before throwing the front door open. Her eyes widened in disbelief as she took in the leather duster and platinum blonde hair before her. “What the hell are you doing here Spike?”

Spike shuffled his feet as he stood on the front porch of the Summers’ home. “Thought we needed to talk…’bout what happened before…”

“I think you said enough in the diner William, but please if you feel that it’s necessary print out flyers to post around town or maybe take out a billboard. Although I’m sure it’s not necessary, half of Sunnydale has probably heard by now. Goodbye William.” With that, Buffy slammed the front door shut and collapsed back on the couch where she received a pat on the knee from her smiling mother.

“Good job sweetie. Show him he didn’t get to you. You’re better than he is, you didn’t stoop to underhanded methods.”

Buffy rolled her eyes as the pounding on the door increased in tempo and loudness as the movie progressed. Before long her mother had left to go to bed and it was just her sitting on the couch. With a groan she stood and swung the door open again. This time jumping back as Spike rolled in backwards from his place leaning against the door.

“Bloody Hell!” Spike struggled to right himself as he leaned against her legs. He took a deep breath as he tried to control himself from being eye level with his favorite place in the world. ‘Bloody hell chit went commando!’ A sharp nudge to the ribs brought him back and he gave a small smile to the glaring girl above him.

“You have exactly five seconds to explain why you’re here. Make them count William! After this I never want to see you or hear from you ever again. I want you out of my life forever. If we see each other in the hall, don’t speak to me, don’t even look at me and I’ll do the same to you.”

Spike frowned at her declaration that she never wanted to see him again. It didn’t bode well for the next words out of his mouth.

“I love you” His only response was her harsh, humorless laughter as he sat at her feet prepared to grovel or at the very least sleep in the foyer until the police forcibly removed him from the premises.

“Love? Was that love I just saw in the diner Spike, or was it love when you walked away from me on the beach? I’d like to know which was love so I’ll know for my next boyfriend. I’d hate to have to repeat this conversation with another man…oh wait! A man would be able to listen when his girlfriend says she never cheated on him! You’re a little boy Spike, a scared, foolish little boy and you have thirty seconds to leave.” Buffy glared down at him disdainfully as she carefully closed off her emotions at the sight of his hurt face.

She didn’t mean a single word she’d just spit out in hate but it killed her to see him sitting at her feet claiming to love her after he’d just destroyed her world.

The plan was set and all she needed now was closure. Closure she would probably never see but she had to try.

He blinked up at her as her harsh words settled in and the prospect of truly loosing her clenched at his heart. His beautiful Buffy would leave him, she wanted nothing to do with him. He could see the tears pool in the corners of her wide hazel eyes and he forced himself not to grab her and hold her until the pain went away but…it couldn’t be true. She had to have cheated on him. The thought of her making love…no having sex with another man was unfathomable to him. His left hand toyed with the small velvet box that had been residing in his jacket pocket for well over three weeks as he sat at her feet.

“I fucked up. That’s all I can say Buffy. I fucked up royally and I really shouldn’t be here now luv, but I am. I’m drowning in you Summers, drowning. You’re everything I bloody think about. Nothing in my day doesn’t revolve around you but you hurt me pet. Y-you might be pregnant with my baby Buffy, but you claim you don’t know who the father is. How is that possible if you didn’t fuck another bloke?” Tears crowned in his cerulean eyes as he fought to keep eye contact with as she seemed to shrink into herself.

“It’s complicated Spike and I really, really don’t want to go into this now. I don’t think I can tell you.”

The tears flooding her eyes and dripping down to his own wet face were enough for him to realize that he had never asked the one question he should have. It was unfathomable that HIS Buffy would be…no, he wasn’t going to go there quite so fast. No need to scare the girl. There had to be another explanation for everything but…the bruises and her crying, the callous behavior she’d adopted…it all pointed to one thing and his heart broke as the tears tumbled down his cheeks and he clutched her lower legs.

“Buffy?” He waited until she met his gaze before continuing, “Do you love me? Say the words if you do pet.”

“I-I can’t say the words Spike but yes I do William. I really really do.” She shifted nervously as his brown furrowed as he searched for words.

“That wasn’t saying the words kitten. I need to hear them. In all the time we’ve been together, you’ve never said them to me.” He burrowed his head into her exposed bronze legs as he clutched to her like a life preserver, silently begging to not be turned loose into the wild storm alone.

“William, you know I can’t say the words. I would love to tell you that I-I… you know, but I can’t tell you. I can’t be weak in front of you, saying it would make me weak and I just can’t do that.” She idly played with his hair as he leaned into her, thankful for the contact between their flesh. The simple gesture of being there for her was more than enough reassurance to forgive him.


“Buffy pet, I have to know…were you r-raped? It’s the only explanation I can think of luv and please tell me it’s not true. Tell me someone never touched you, hurt you like that. Don’t let me be right about this sweetheart. Don’t want my girl to ever hurt like that.”

My girl…

Fourteen year old Buffy Summers sat on her bed idly resting as she fought for dreams to take her into the wonderful world of Neverland. The door creaked open and his bulky form appeared in the doorway for the nightly bed check. This time would be the start of her terror of the night. She drifted off dreaming about her new love, the impossibly dreamy Freddie Prinze Jr., as he moved closer to the bed. The unmistakable musk of ‘Old Spice’ mixing with the light vanilla scent of the room from the candles in the corner. He knelt by the bed as he coaxed her from sleep, his hand running down her cheek as he whispered softly to her. Once she was awake, he quickly rearranged her so her head rested on his lap as his hand crept down her thigh, exposing more and more flesh as he pushed the oversized t-shirt aside. Treacherous fingers pushed themselves inside her virgin passage as he ignored her pleads and innocent questioning.

“Why” Her tiny voice broke the silence as she watched his face contort from rapture to a deep frown as her question broke him from his fantasy.

“Do you love me Buffy?” His harsh voice seemed to echo around the room as it broke away her every fear and doubt of his intentions. He loved her and wouldn’t do anything to possibly hurt her, would he?

She quickly nodded her head and tried to relax her body as his fingers jabbed themselves inside of her, stretching her tight passage as he slowly stole her innocence from her.

“I’d never do anything to hurt you Buffy. I love you.” He stroked her cheek gently with his other hand as he secretly reveled in the fact that she was so trusting of him.

It was a night that she would never forget and a night that would only lead to worse things from him. In all of her power, she was powerless against the one person she trusted to love her.

My girl…

“Spike I-I, it wasn’t something I could stop and he…it’s over now. Can we please try to move past it? Please?” She broke the second his head nodded in response and she collapsed against him. Limbs intertwined as she sought relief from the torment she had been holding onto for years.

“Hey, you never told me about that thing, in the car and you so need to tell me what the hell Harmony was doing with you!”

They sat locked in each others embrace for what felt like hours before Spike finally felt the courage to speak. His hands stroked her hair lovingly as she nestled herself in his warm embrace as they sat in the doorway to her home, neither one willing to move and close the door.

“Buffy pet, I just want you to know that I’m sorry for what happened at the diner and before…at the beach. I never meant to hurt you like that but I was hurting myself and you were the closest target. I love you and I want to make this work with us but I don’t know where to go from here.” He clutched her tiny body even closer to his own as he fought to control his temper at the thought of anyone hurting his girl. He idly grazed his fingers over her upper thighs in a reverent manner as his mind conjured up the image of her bruised flesh and the pain she must have been in when it had happened.

“No, no Spike, it’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I screwed up and I let you down. Please believe me when I tell you I would never intentionally hurt you baby. It happened and I couldn’t stop it. God! I tried to stop it but he…I can’t do this anymore.” Her nails bit in the palms of her hands as she fought back the tears once more. She had cried too many times recently and it was time to get over it, to be strong again…well if she was ever strong before was debatable but certainly it was worth a try.

“Buffy, don’t run. Stop running from me whenever things get hard. You scared me out there on the beach and we’re damn well going to have a conversation about that. No way in hell are you leaving me or this world. I now understand what you were saying about blades and the rain pet and you’re not going to take that route. I won’t let you. I love you too much to see this world without you. Please don‘t ever leave me Buffy. ” He buried his face into her blonde tresses as he silently begged her to stay with him. The mere thought of finding her with her eyes glazed over and arms bloodied with a razor blade at her feet was enough to convince him to stay with her through it all.

“There was a time when I wanted to end…still do a couple hundred times a day but I don’t want you to waste your life to save me Spike. I’m already too far gone to care and I won’t be the reason you get dragged down with me. Maybe you should just leave.” Buffy attempted to untangle her limbs from Spike’s own as he continued to clutch at her tiny frame and hold her to him. The soft whimper reverberating from his chest shook her to the very core and she stopped trying to fight him.

“’M not wastin’ my life on you Buffy, you’re everything to me. ‘S why I bought this damn ring.” He roughly grabbed at the velvet box in his pocket and just short of threw it at her. “It was all I could do to not give it to you in the car that day ‘n now its probably too late for either of us to…”

His words were cut off as her lips met his in a brief kiss before she held up the box in front of him.

“I’m not saying yes but I’m not saying no right now. All I can say is that I have wanted to end it but you-you were the one that kept me from doing it. Just one thought about you and suddenly death didn’t seem like the best choice, no matter what I hell I was going through at the time. I don’t even know if that’s what this ring meant but I want it to mean that we’ll look after each other and be there but not have to constantly rescue one another. I’m a big girl Spike. I won’t do anything rash as long as I know everything isn’t gone and I still have something to live for but…”

“Wear the ring Buffy. I want it to symbolize everything you just said and…I want more. I want for you to be able to say, someday, that you want to be my wife and eventually for you to tell me you love me without avoiding the subject or ducking your pretty little head. I have doubt in your strength luv. You’re one of the strongest people ‘ve ever met ‘n I don’t want you to ever forget it.” His hand went back to slowly stroking her hair as his other ran down her back in a comforting gesture. His eyes met hers as he tried to convey his every feeling to her. “Next time you feel like endin’ it sweetheart, tell me. I want to be there and I honestly want to know what happened. Stop fidgeting! ‘m not saying you have to tell me right now. I can learn to live with it as long as you promise me you aren’t still in any danger. Can’t stand to see my girl in pain, though when I find the wanker that did this ‘m going to kill him. Nobody hurts my girl.”

“D-don’t say that…” Buffy felt her hands begin to tremble as her vision fade to black before she had time to stop it.
Fifteen year old Buffy lay with her head in his lap as his fingers prodded down the front of her white shorts, nimbly popping the buttons and tugging at the zipper until those same fingers gently massaged at her clit.

“Told you I could make you feel good sweetheart. Always want to make you feel good. See, there’s nothing to worry about my girl. That’s what you aren’t you? My girl?”” John continued as she tried not to squirm or scream out against him and raise her mother’s alarm. She was defenseless even with her mother less than 20 feet away, busily making dinner in the kitchen while they sat in open living room. His hand began thrusting against her as his fingers plunged into her tight passage and not for the first time did she wish she had the power to scream out for help. He continued for several moments more before he stopped and buttoned her shorts back up.

“Have you ever pleased a man before Buffy?”

He crawled up her body slowly, decisively as his fingers dragged across her clothed skin, pressing sharply into the soft flesh as his weight bore down on hers. His bulky body with its wide shoulders trapping her underneath him as he appraised her lean body. The look in his eyes was dark, eyes narrowed, as he took in his prey, trapped with nowhere to run and no one to turn to. She thought vainly of screaming as she looked into his coal black eyes. The emotion she’d found earlier gone and replaced by an uncontrollable hunger as his teeth scraped along her collarbone. For a moment she thought he might leave a mark this time and she almost welcomed it. To have some proof of what he was doing to her on a nightly basis that couldn’t be explained away. A single tear rolled down her cheek as his teeth lifted off her reddened skin and his tongue replaced them, licking along the jutting bone.

“You want it to hurt, don’t you? You want me to make you scream and beg for it. I can give you what those little boys can’t and you crave it, don’t you?” John’s eyes flashed with darkened desire as he tugged her loose-fitting track pants down her legs, exposing the tiny black thong. “You wore this just for me, didn’t you?”

She drew in a shaky breath as she fought the urge to scream or run or do anything else that would only lead to more pain. She had learned her lesson well and simply nodded her head as she glanced over at the clock. 12:47 PM flashed back at her in imposing red. Her mother wouldn’t be home yet from the gallery and she was left, yet again, with this man…no, monster.

She lay with glassy unfocused staring at the ceiling as his hands scaled over her tiny body, tugging at clothing and scratching at flesh until a sharp pain to her side brought her eyes back to his own.

“Glad you’re still with us.” He had the small army knife poised at her side as he fondled her breasts roughly. “I hadn’t thought I’d need this but you just can’t seem to pay attention to anything or anyone by yourself. Guess you learned that from the best, didn’t you? Daddy dearest seemed right enough to pay attention only to himself, leaving your poor mother without a man around the house. It’s time you found out what a real man can do.” His right hand skimmed under her tight black tank as his left inched closer to the zipper on his worn blue jeans.

She whimpered as he weaseled the last remaining clothing away from their bodies and separated her thighs. She tried to fight him off but to no avail. At 6’4, John Gillerti was an intimidating man to say the very least. Two hundred, twenty pounds of heavy muscle and sharp blue eyes made him an attractive man to many but to the girl silently crying under him, it made him a monster.

“You’re nothing but a little whore, aren’t you Elizabeth? My Buffy, my own personal whore. Nothing better, nothing worse and all mine.” With little effort, he sunk into her, ignoring her pain-filled gasp as she struggled uselessly beneath him. “You like this, don’t you? Tell me you like this.” His free hand came up to tighten around her throat slightly as he forced her to nod. The small army knife coming to rest on the side of the bed as he changed his position slightly, driving deeper.

“W-why?” Buffy managed to croak out as she tried to ignored the pain filling her center.

He took a moment to lift his eyes to her and with a slight smirk replaced his lips back on her neck, leaving whisker marks from his goatee as he did so. “Because I can and you deserve it. You’re nothing but a whore Elizabeth, nothing but a whore and it’s about time you find out where you belong…under a man.”

“I-I hate you…”

“No, you don’t. You love me and you know it. You love what I do to you, otherwise you would have called in mommy dearest or one of your little friends. Admit it, you love having a real man fucking you, admit it.” The slight wrinkles in the tanned skin around his eyes crinkled as he looked her dead in the eye, waiting for her response.

“I fucking hate you, you god damned son of bitch!” She struggled for a minute more before she registered that he was laughing at her, a deep rumbling chuckle. Her eyelids fluttered closed as she avoided those deceiving blue eyes that dared her to speak again.

“It’s not nice to speak ill of your elders little girl. Guess I’ll have to take matters into my own hands.” He reached down to her right knee and yanked it upwards, uncaring that she’d torn ligaments only months before ice skating on it.

She yelped in pain as he maneuvered the injured limb past its breaking point and closer to her chest, angling it outwards as he did so.

“Guess you won’t be moving too well tomorrow.” He sneered down at her. “Tell your mother you fell down the stairs, make something up but don’t ever tell Joyce or I will make your life a living hell. Get it?” He applied a bit more pressure until she nodded her consent, tears running down her cheeks.

“Still hate me?”


“Buffy. Buffy! Buffy!” Joyce shook her daughter’s shoulder lightly as she coaxed the screaming girl into awaking. She was unprepared when the fist came striking towards her, lightly grazing her own shoulder as the blonde shot upwards against the headboard, huddling against the thick paneling.

“S-sorry mom…bad dream, I guess.” She shook off the memory that had plagued her sleep as she took in the room around her.

“When did Spike leave?” Her mother’s voice maintained its naturally soft tone but carried a touch of coldness amidst it.

“Sometime this morning I guess. We didn’t do anything, I swear… we just talked…about stuff.”

Joyce shifted closer to her daughter and just watched her for a moment before speaking, “I guess we need to talk. I gathered from your little breakdown yesterday that you’ve been having sex and that you might be pregnant…”

“I-I don’t know.” She hide her face in her arms as she waited for her mother’s next words.

“Those things can be taken care of but I want to know who’s it is. William implied that it wasn’t his…talk to me Buffy, tell me what’s going on…I want to help.” Joyce looked broken as she took in her daughter’s shivering form, wanting nothing more than to gather her into her arms and protect her from the unforgiving world.

Taking a deep breath and staring into her mother’s eyes, Buffy decided to confront her with the truth, “He raped me.”

Rape (n)
1. The crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse.

(tr. V)
1. To force (another person) to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse; commit rape on.

Molest (v)
1. To bother, interfere with, or to annoy.
2. To make indecent sexual advances to.
3. To assault sexually

Joyce stammered as she focused on finding anything else her little girl had said. Anything at all, maybe Buffy had said tape. Maybe she was taped, it could be new lingo she wasn’t hip to or maybe her daughter said she wanted a cape. She could buy Buffy a cape and make it all better, after all the holidays were right around the corner. Her little girl could play superhero and ward off evil. Watching her daughter’s eyes fill with tears Joyce realized that none of the possible words she had come up with were what her baby girl had said. Rape. Her baby had lost her innocence, forced to lose it at such a young age. An age where she should have only cared about shopping, grades… and boys.

Joyce opened her mouth to speak but no sound emerged. She tried again, forcing herself to swallow the lump in her throat before taking a deep breath and exhaling, “W-who?”

With shoulders trembling and her arms wrapped around her body, protecting her from the outside world, Buffy stared her mother dead in the eyes and replied, “John.”

The sound of a body crashing to the floor was all that Joyce registered as she slumped against the wall behind, briefly thankful that it had somewhat cushioned her fall. this was the moment in her life that she had never pondered or even dreamed could ever happen to her but looking into her daughter’s eyes, she knew it had to be true. Tears rained down her cheeks as her brow furrowed in concentration, thinking over every encounter her daughter had with the man who had betrayed them both. She wanted to cry to her heart’s content. She wanted to rewind time and go back to when it was all so simple…she wanted everything to go away that was bad in the world and hold her daughter until the end of time… but there was nothing she could do but face the truth and move forward.

“Are you lying to me?” Joyce’s eyes flew open at the sound of her own voice asking the one question she had never meant to ask and the one question the single-handedly destroyed her relationship with her daughter. She could see it in her eyes as Buffy withdrew into herself and hugged her legs closer to her body.

With a faint voice, Buffy replied, “How could you even ask me that? He fucking raped me and all you can think about was that I must be lying. I never should have told you.” Tears paraded from the corner of her eyes as she repeated her last words and trembled against the couch, grateful for the chance to hide behind her hair.

Joyce’s eyes closed in defeat as she absorbed the truth in Buffy’s voice. On some level she had always known her little girl would never lie to her about something as big as this but she needed to hear the words, to confirm it for herself. “I had to know… I still need to know. Why didn’t you tell me sooner? When did this all start?”

Shaking from fear and repulsion from deeds already done, Buffy hesitated in answering. “I-I, he told me he would kill you, me, and everyone I ever cared about if I ever told anyone. I know he’ll do it if he has half the chance…and you do too.” She paused, taking in much needed breaths. “It started when I was thirteen.”



Joyce let out a strangled gasp and let her head hit the wall behind her before closing her eyes and wringing her hands in front of her. In disbelief, she shuddered and whispered a string of expletives. “Why didn’t you tell me, Buffy? I could have done something, anything. Why didn’t you scream for me? I’m your mother, baby, and I should have been there to protect you.” She staggered to her knees and crawled to her daughter on the couch, engulfing the tiny girl in her arms and finally releasing the tears that fluttered against her eyelids. “I was supposed to protect you.”

Buffy pulled away slightly to glance at the wall behind her mother, disbelieving the words she was hearing. Only minutes ago her mother had questioned if she had made the entire thing up and now she was comforting her, hugging her, and telling her that if she had only opened up sooner than she could have been protected.

It was too much…and too little.

“Y-you weren’t there and you didn’t protect me. You were less than ten feet away and you didn’t help me. He had his fucking hand down my pants and you just smiled and walked out of the room. How could you do that? How could you be so blind?” Buffy choked the words out, staring blankly at the wall across the room. “Why did you let him hurt me?”

Joyce held her even tighter and whispered her apologies and defending her undying love for the little girl wrapped in her arms. “I love you. Don’t you ever forget that, Buffy. I may not have been there when you needed me and believe me, that will haunt me until the day I die and then some but never doubt that I love you with all my heart and I will make this right.”

Closing her eyes, Buffy hugged her mother closer and let the tears fall against the soft beige sweater, which smelt of lilies and her mother’s perfume, Eternity.

“I’m going to make this right. I promise you that I will protect you from now on. It doesn’t mean much now but you are my baby girl and I am never going to let anything hurt you ever again.” Joyce said with conviction as she murmured into her daughter’s ear, gently pushing the stray hair away from her face.

Buffy stiffened before choking out a whisper, “Y-you can’t promise that.”

Tears ran down Joyce’s cheek even harder at her daughter’s statement. The trust that had been building in her daughter’s eyes from birth was gone in an instant. Instead it was replaced by unchecked loathing and fear that emanated from the jaded orbs. Joyce felt the blame and hatred hit her like a brick to the head as she fought from visibly cringing away from the bitter look Buffy kept leveled on her, unwavering except for the occasional tear-filled blink. Feeling nothing but despair and intense self-loathing, Joyce pulled the small girl closer to her, wrapping her arms tighter around her and crying into the blonde hair.

Repeating “I love you” and clutching the tiny frame tighter, her mind reeled in an effort to preserve something of their relationship; to rid of the hatred in the girl’s eyes.

Racking her brain, Joyce tried to find the right words to say but sadly this had never been covered in Parenting 101. There wasn’t a parenting manual the hospital handed you after the baby was born and she couldn’t flip to chapter thirty-seven, “What to do when your child hates the you didn’t protect them.”

God, she wanted to read chapter thirty-seven. Or, go back in time and prevent the bastard from entering their lives and subsequently destroying the relationship she had with her daughter.

It had been so much easier dropping Buffy off at her first day of preschool and watching from the small glass window as the little girl with pigtails and pretty pink dress played with her new friends. Or even helping with mathematics homework she hadn’t seen or used in years. Joyce ran a trembling hand down her face, contemplating the existence of evil in the world.

Little Tommy Bruckner was first on her list after he’d pushed Buffy down at the park. Her little girl hadn’t cried but it was one of the most painful moments of Joyce’s life. Hank Summers would be next after he had deserted his family for his secretary and thirdly, and the most deadly of all, would have to be her former lover…Joyce shook in revulsion. The same man she had loved and trusted had done the unmentionable to her daughter. Joyce took a deep breath and finally spoke, “I don’t want you to hate me but I certainly don’t have any credence to prove that I will never let anything or anyone hurt you. Please believe me, Buffy. I love you and nothing will ever hurt you again, I promise.” She begged, wanted to plead for forgiveness, but held strong as the tears swept down her cheeks.

Buffy flinched at the seemingly loud voice in the otherwise silent and tension-filled room. She shook her head in the negative. “You can’t promise that. You can’t promise anything right now.”

Releasing a shaky breath, Joyce trembled as she slowly absorbed the words. There was nothing more that she could say that would change her little girl’s opinion. That trust was lost and nothing but perseverance and sheer luck would change that fact.

There was nothing but three little words that she hoped would influence their relationship from that moment on. Three little words that she hadn’t said enough in the past and they were three little words Joyce wasn’t sure she could say enough.

“I love you.” She tried to pour all of her love into those simple words. A mother’s love and a mother’s concern bore down on the easy enough to say words. Joyce watched as her daughter visibly shrunk away from her. Disconcerted, Joyce engulfed the small body in her arms and pressed the blonde head to her chest as she whispered the words over and over again. Nothing would ever change the fact that she had failed as a mother, in this aspect as least, but she was determined to make it up. At that very moment Joyce made a promise to herself and more importantly to her daughter that she would never let anything hurt her baby girl again. There would be nothing but love in the house and nothing but words of encouragement, not of disgust. Joyce trembled again and clutched Buffy tighter to her as she recalled her words from earlier, “Are you lying to me?” Said out of desperation and intense pleading for a lie so they could revert to the picturesque family once more, she was revolted at how callous she sounded.

A tiny whimper caught her ear.

“Please don’t.”

Loosening her arms slightly, Joyce pulled back to gaze into Buffy’s eyes. “Don’t what?” She asked hesitantly.

“Don’t love me. Please just don’t.” Buffy whispered, wringing her hands together from where they were scrunched beneath her mother’s chin. “I don’t deserve it.”

Shocked, Joyce released her tight grip on her daughter. “How could I not love you?”

“I’m unlovable.” Buffy scooted back on the couch to distance herself from the comforting arms. It was too much to handle. She was unlovable. It was just as he had said it would happen. No one could ever love her but him. He was the one sacrificing to love her and he was right. She was unlovable. Already rationalizing that Spike was only with her because of sex and the pleasure she could give him was easy. After all, he had run into Harmony’s arms quick enough. It had to be the same with her mother.

“You could never be unlovable,” Joyce blurted, staring wide eyed at the girl. It was absurd that her daughter could ever be unlovable and even more absurd that the girl could and would believe it. “I will always love you. You came from me, out of a place of love, and into a world of love. There is nothing unlovable about you, a bit trying, but never unlovable.”

Buffy watched her mother’s eyes for any hints that the older woman might be lying and relaxed slightly when she found none. Still unwilling to believe the unbelievable (after all John had been right when he said Spike would leave her) she renewed her crying spell and allowed her mother’s arms to surround her in their warm cocoon once more.