As Buffy raced for the bus that was speeding from the collapsing town, she felt her heart pull her back. But she knew she had to make it out, had to live, for Spike. Using the beginnings of grief to power her legs she ran from roof top to roof top, finally catching up with the bus, she dove straight off the building landing painfully on the roof of the vehicle, grunting at the impact. She managed to maintain her grip on the scythe, holding onto the side on the bus she watched as her home was swallowed by the hellmouth.

Slowly the bus came to a stop, the crater that was once Sunnydale close behind them. Buffy heaved her tired, aching body and hopped down to the ground. People began spilling from vehicle; her friends approached her as she stared at the gaping maw in the ground. The Scoobies, minus two, together again, united in post-apocalyptic triumph.

"Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business." Faith said, pride shining through in her voice.

"There is another one in Cleveland... Not to spoil the moment..." Giles, Watcher until the end. He couldn't believe Sunnydale, his home for the last seven years, was no more. Although he often thought of how he hated the hellmouth, it was sad to see the town crumble away into the earth.

"We saved the world." She said it unnecessarily, but Dawn needed to say it to make it real. Like if she said it then the statement turned to fact. Sunnydale, gone, wiped off the map by the bunch of people currently stood around her.

"We changed the world. I can feel them, Buffy. All over... Slayers are awakening everywhere." The awe in Willow's voice shook them all; they really had changed the world forever. Willow could feel the power coursing through her and every other Slayer in the world, and she had to admit, it gave her a rush. But not the ‘veiny face, black hair, even blacker magic' kind, the 'warm tingly' kind. The kind of feeling that brought back memories of when she'd first met Tara back at U.C Sunnydale.

"We'll have to find them." Dawn remembered how she had felt when the spell Willow cast to find potentials had located her as one, even if it had turned out to be a dud. ‘Thousands of girls, all over the world were discovering their new, and until now, hidden strength and it must be scaring the hell out of them'. She thought silently, but decided not to voice her concern; they had more than enough to worry about.

Like the sun, it was beating down unforgivably. ‘Spike must be avoiding the dusty-making rays inside the bus...I never saw him get on...but he did, he must have done...'

"We will." Still high on her magic rush, Willow was more concerned for Buffy. She was just stood on the edge of the crater, staring. It wasn't so much her silence, she knew after an apocalypse all she wanted to do was sit and lose herself in a daydream. But it was the empty look in Buffy's eyes, the look that was devoid of all emotion. The look she had only seen in her best friend's eyes after Glory snatched Dawn.

"Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so no hope of going there tomorrow." Giles half joked, he knew what a travesty the loss of Sunnydale's mall would be to certain people of the group.

"We destroyed the Mall? I fought on the wrong side..." Dawn couldn't help but feel slightly put out, but then again there were plenty of other malls that Buffy and she could visit, especially now that Buffy didn't have to guard the hellmouth anymore.

"All those stores gone... The Gap, Starbucks, Toys R Us...Who will remember these landmarks unless we tell the world of them?" Xander spoke with awe colouring his voice, everything that was once Sunnydale was just...gone. What would they do now? He felt the need for something to do, after everything that had been sacrificed today, and over the last seven years, now more than ever he felt that he had to do something. The town he had grown up in, had lived in, and nearly died in, was gone...Taking Anya with it.

"We have a lot of work ahead of us..." Everyone apart from Buffy threw Giles an exasperated glance; did he ever let the Watcher in himself go? Especially after what had just happened? The others were thinking of the rest they deserved, but his mind was still on the job.

"Can I push him in?" Faith voiced what everyone else was thinking, she then gave Giles a playful shove. Like Willow, she too had notice the blonde's silence and lost gaze, she had also noticed the absence of the blond vampire. The vampire Buffy seemed to have laid claim to in the final days before the battle.

"You got my vote." Smiling good naturedly at Giles, Willow's look returned to worry though and Giles wondered what could be troubling her. Though as he saw her gaze return to Buffy he thought he had an idea. Buffy had been silent since the bus stopped, but The Watcher was baffled as to what his Slayer could be thinking. They had done it; she could finally live the life she wanted, as a ‘normal' girl, at least for a while.

"I just wanna sleep, yo. For like a week." Light laughter floated among the group, Faith decided that whatever was up with her sister Slayer could be healed by time and all that other touchy-feely crap, so decided to just let her grieve for her lost champion.

"I guess we all could. If we wanted to..." Dawn trailed off, Buffy wasn't smiling, she wasn't...anything. No emotion crossed her face, her eyes staring endlessly into the deep pit before them.

"Yeah, the First is scrunched, so... What do you think we should do, Buffy?" Willow wanted to hear Buffy talk, to look up, just to show some small sign of life. The blank look on the Slayer's face causing her more and more panic as the minutes passed, trying to pull her out of her thoughts was not as easy as it seemed though.

"Yeah, you're not the one and only chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How's that feel?" Faith's voice barely pierced the fog surrounding Buffy's mind, but that one word managed to sneak through.

Live. How was she supposed to live now? The one thing Spike had wanted, the one thing she didn't think she would ever be capable of now. Buffy had listened to the people buzzing around her, but just couldn't seem to care. All she felt was the gaping hole that had been brutally ripped from her heart, which seemed to be getting bigger. She felt her pain surround her like a blanket; this couldn't be real.

‘Spike is gone...forever.'

By now everyone was looking worried, Buffy had yet to move, let alone talk. The inner circle of Scoobies recognized the look she was wearing, the sightless gaze, expressionless face. It had happened nearly exactly two years ago when Dawn was taken by Glory.

"Buffy...? What are we gonna do now...? Buffy?!" Dawn had never seen her sister like this, she had heard about her episode two years ago, but seeing it was completely different. Suddenly something clicked.

Spike... She hadn't seen him on the bus because he never got on, and he sure as hell didn't run out into the sunlight with her sister, he wasn't suicidal.

‘Unless the amulet...and he had to...' The thought made Dawn shudder, he was fine. He had to be, he was Spike.

"Where's Spike? He's not on the bus... He...he...made it...didn't he?" She waited a moment for her sister's response. "Buffy?" Dawn ignored the desperate tone in her voice, and Buffy's continued silence was grating on her already frazzled nerves.

That's when Buffy let the memories overtake her. Spike...The sound of his name finally tipped her over the edge, she let herself go. She was falling, far, deep into the very back of her mind. Or maybe into her heart she wasn't sure, she didn't care, she just wanted to be where Spike was, and now that was in her memories and feelings. A small smile crept onto Buffy's face.



She never felt her knees give out. She didn't feel herself hit the hard ground, didn't see her friends rushing towards her, and didn't hear Dawn's cries, Willow's worried urgent voice, both calling her name desperately.

All she heard was Spike's deep, soothing voice; she only saw his beautiful face, un-burnt from the pillar of fire he had burst into. He looked perfect, he looked real.

And for Buffy that was enough. Fully immersing herself in the memories she let go of the world and all those surrounding her.







"BUFFY!!!"











TBH...

Having no idea what to do with the catatonic Slayer the Scoobies carefully bundled her back onto the bus, placing her on a seat as far away from the other bleeding Slayers' as possible. Giles took the wheel, letting a gravely injured Wood sit next to a strangely affectionate and attentive Faith. Willow sat with Kennedy running her hand through the potential-turned-Slayer's dark hair, both looking exhausted from the day's events. The rest of the newly turned Slayers were dotted about the front of the bus, either sitting quietly, thinking of everything that was to come and what they had just done, or were being tended to by Molly and a still very shaken Andrew.
Dawn and Xander were sat at the very back of the stolen school bus with Buffy. Dawn gently clutched at her older sister's hand, silently begging her to wake up and say something.

Xander's face was expressionless, although his tear-rimmed eyes were full of concern and sadness. He gently brushed a strand on Buffy's her from her face; he wasn't stupid. He knew what had caused this, or more importantly who. He wanted to be mad at both of them, Buffy for acting like this, and Spike for causing it. But he couldn't, not now. Not now he knew the pain Buffy was feeling, nor now that Anya, like Spike, had sacrificed herself, if not for Andrew, then to protect the Hellmouth.

He released a long, drawn out sigh.

His Anya. She was...well Anya. He loved her more than anything, even now long after their fiasco of a wedding. She had looked so beautiful that day, so blissfully happy, and he would never forget the sound of her soft, pleading voice begging him not to leave her and to marry her. The broken look she had worn as he walked away.

It was almost as though someone had ripped his heart out and played volleyball with it before crushing it beneath some heavy machinery. The physical pain was near unbearable, so no, he couldn't blame Buffy for her reaction to losing Spike. Even though he hadn't known she harboured any feelings towards the vampire, he had noticed their closeness during the last days in Sunnydale, and then, it had irked him. He had hated Spike for many reasons, foremost for what he had done with Anya and to Buffy.

He had wondered why Buffy was able to forgive him, to trust him again. But now he knew, she had been in love with him. Just as he was with Anya, just as he always had been even though she had her faults.

Faults that he would regular call her on, embarrassed and ashamed of her ‘inappropriate behaviour', of course she spoke and acted inappropriately sometimes, after all hadn't she been a demon for over a thousand years? How could he have been so blind, to not realise that? And now he would never have the chance to apologize and beg her forgiveness.

A large, hot tear rolled down his cheek. All the things he wished he could say to her, but would never be able to.

His mind screamed for her, hoping she could hear him, wherever she was. But he knew she couldn't, she was gone. She had left him here, alone. And he knew this was karma, come to bite him in the ass for what he'd done, for how he treated her.

Dawn looked from Buffy's face, to see Xander's crumple into tears. She had no words of comfort that would ease his grief; even after being around death for so long, she didn't know what she could possibly say. She carefully released her hand from Buffy's and pulled him into a hug so strong it could rival with one of her sister's.

She gripped him with such force Xander thought his ribs would break under the pressure, but he didn't care, clinging to the not-so-little-anymore Dawnie, he felt the violent jerks of her body as she cried. Cried for Buffy, Spike, Anya, and all the things she had lost in the Hellmouth.

Dawn's eyes were now overflowing with tears she felt would never stop. How could they all move on from this? There were so many jumbled, agonizing thoughts flying through her brain, all lasting a second before another one ripped its way through. The kind of grief she had felt twice before in her life rearing its ugly head and running through her body in agonising jolts. How could it be that Sunnydale was gone? Just gone...? Everything that was left there, just wiped off the map?

The school she once walked around every day, well almost every day. The Sunnydale Mall; which she had tried convincing Buffy to pilfer from-after the town's self-evacuation, of course-to little success. The Expresso Pump she walked past nearly every day and was only allowed hot chocolate from, a rule enforced by Buffy and eventually the rest of the Scoobies after Anya had given her a coffee that had almost literally made Dawn bounce off the walls. Revello Drive, where she had lived for the last seven years, five of which were magically fabricated, but Dawn preferred not to think about that. Tara's and her Mom's resting places...places she would never visit again.

Her sobs grew more and more urgent until she was struggling for breath, but she didn't care, she was so lost in an ocean of grief she wouldn't have noticed if the bus caught on fire. But she wasn't only grieving for the buildings she frequented in Sunnydale, but the lost lives of fellow warriors. Friends...

Friends she would never see again, who she had thought would always be there.

The potentials, which after shortly becoming Slayers had died in battle; she had been friends with all of them. She remembered late night talks in her room, laughing at their disgruntled looks after Buffy's speechifying, their excitement for weapons and patrolling, the look of fear whenever they thought of dying. Which now, they had. And Dawn grieved for their lives.

Anya, the ex-vengeance demon that had kind of grown on her, she had never felt the same love for Anya as she felt for the other Scoobies, but Anya had been a Scooby when it came down to it. And although Dawn felt a strong dislike for her in the beginning, she had come to enjoy the ex-demon's company, even laughing at her usually inappropriate comments. Comments that now would never be heard again. When Dawn thought this she held Xander tighter, knowing he was thinking along the same lines.

And Spike. Where did she start? He was Spike. Like the big brother she'd never had and yet she hadn't talked to him for most of the past year. The last time she'd really spoken to him replayed inside her head.

*****

"Spike. You sleep, right? You. Vampires. You sleep." She spoke casually, but with and ice-cold look in her eyes.

"Yeah...What's your point, Niblet?" Curious as to why she was asking such a question, one he knew she already knew the answer for.

"Well, I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all... touch her... you're gonna wake up on fire." Her sentence had started off in the same casual tone she had adopted in her previous question, but ended it in unconcealed anger and loathing.

*****

She doubted she would ever forget the shocked hurt that flashed across his face, that look would probably be burned into her memory for years to come.

And now she would never be able to apologize, never tell him she didn't mean it. That she was just so angry at the time that she didn't think.

After that, he had never referred to her with any of his usual pet names, and she couldn't blame him.

But again now, she was stuck knowing she would never be able to throw her arms round him and tell him that she had forgiven him and that she was sorry too . She would give almost anything to have that chance.

She gently unwound herself from Xander's embrace, wiping her eyes bitterly, knowing she didn't deserve the release that crying would bring. Looking back at Buffy she saw her sister's state hadn't changed from before.

Buffy was still staring sightlessly ahead, a small ghost of a smile lingering on her otherwise expressionless face.

Dawn felt angry, furious in fact, that Buffy could so easily slip inside her mind and forget all about the troubles surrounding her. Right now, Dawn needed her sister more than ever. As did Buffy's friends, and yet here she was, off in happy la-la-land.

She stood as abruptly as she could, considering they were speeding down a road at an extremely fast speed, and then stalked off to the front of the bus, gripping the hand-rails for support, leaving a quiet Buffy and Xander alone at the back.





Xander had watched as Dawn's face contorted in anger, at who he wasn't sure. Until she gave Buffy one last withering glare and stormed to the front of the bus to sit by herself.

All the while he stayed silent, already knowing without asking the question, what was wrong with the Dawnster. She couldn't understand why her sister was doing this; he had wondered that himself shortly after Glory had taken Dawn.

When they had needed her most, needed their leader the most, she had gone AWOL. Even after Willow had explained that it was most likely the shock of losing Dawn that had sent her into her mind, he had still struggled to understand why.

But now, after losing the thing most precious to him, he understood with completely.

Anya was alive now. But only in his memories, in the time they had shared together. That is where Buffy had been on that night, in her memories, going over details, and from what Willow had said at the time, imagining things that never happened but Buffy had thought about.

And now, Buffy was floating around inside her mind with Spike. The only place for her that she could still be with him, the only place she could tell him everything she hadn't said before.

That's what he could understand, wherever Buffy's mind had taken her, she could say all those things, even if it was only her imagination. He almost wished he could retreat into his own mind, if only to be in his memories with Anya.

Now he'd lost the one person that made him feel complete, he could describe it in all its vivid, gory detail. And he hated it.

Lost in his thoughts, he jumped out of his seat when he felt a hand gently touch his shoulder. Looking up he saw Willow's still glowing face, etched with sorrow looking back at him.

Although she emanating a soft, golden glow from her Slayer-creating spell, her face and eyes carried a haunted look that Xander knew wasn't just from the loss people who had fallen today.

He reached out and grasped her hand tightly, trying to convey his love for his best friend without words, and the sorrow he also felt.

Willow then let out a choked sob, and threw herself into Xander's already waiting arms.

Their home was gone, everything was gone. It was almost as if everything she had ever done in Sunnydale was erased, like the town itself. The things she had once done there, she would never do again, she would never return to U.C Sunnydale, drink coffee at the Expresso Pump, she would never again be able to visit Tara's graveside and talk to her.

A fresh wave of grief engulfed her, although she had already grieved for her soul mate, Willow knew that she could visit Tara still. Now she no longer had that, she had nothing to remind her of their too short time together, not even a grave to mark Tara's existence.

Xander's arms encircled yet another one of his friends, giving and receiving the comfort the embrace brought both of them.

"It's gone Xander... everything! Everything that ever happened in Sunnydale is gone" Her words struggling to push out from behind her, now hoarse from crying, voice. "She's gone. I never even said goodb-"Her sobs once again overpowering her.

"I know, sweetie. I know." Xander clung to her tightly, until her crying came to an abrupt halt.

"Oh goddess." Her already red-rimmed, tear filled eyes rapidly overflowing again. "Xander...I'm so sorry...Anya..." She had forgotten in her grief what Xander had lost today. He had lost someone who yesterday, hell even a few short hours ago, had still been alive and he was in love with.

Her face became distraught again. But Xander just smiled, not a happy smile, an understanding smile.

"I know." It was said gently, thick emotion colouring his tone. Willow looked at him, and for the first time she really saw the man that Xander had become. Not the wise-cracking, joke-making, sometimes insecure little boy; but the strong, brave and grown up man.

"I love you, Xand." Her voice soft still held the sadness that had choked it before, but was now full of the pride and affection she felt for him.

"I know. I love you too, Will." Placing a soft kiss on her forehead, he released her from his arms. Willow stayed beside him but switched her gaze to Buffy, throughout their whole emotional outpour she hadn't stirred.

Reaching over Xander's legs, she placed her hand on Buffy's knee.

"We love you too, you know. I don't know if you can hear me right now, but I promise we'll help you through this, Buffy. We love you." Gently retracting her hand, she wiped a tear from her glowing cheek.

Looking back at Xander she conveyed her concern through her eyes.

"We'll have to get Giles to look at her, I'm thinking something happened down in the Hellmouth...she seems catatonic again. Do you know what happened down there?" Still clueless as to what caused Buffy to retreat into her mind, Willow seemed to ask such an obvious question that Xander was confused for a moment.

Then he remembered his speech to Dawn, about how he could now see things others seemed to overlook. Like the closeness between Spike and Buffy towards the end.

"Spike. He...the amulet..." Xander sighed, "He never came out and I can't think of anything else except the amulet that could have done that much damage. I mean, we didn't know what it was for, or what it did. Maybe that was the price of closing the hellmouth...Spike."

Willow was silent for a moment, her expression sad, before speaking again. "But why would Buffy-" She looked shocked for a second before continuing in a whisper. "Was something going on again? Between Buffy and Spike?"

"I'm not sure, but before the final battle, they seemed...I dunno...close?" Already sensing what Willow was going to say he carried on, waving his hand in front of him submissively. "It's a thing, the guy with no powers sees things the powerful beings around him don't; even with only one eye...heh..." Realising during his talk with Dawn he had both eyes, but trying to make light of the fact that only one remained now.

Clearly confused, Willow stayed quiet, contemplating what Xander said. Coming to a decision she stood, wavering slightly when the bus jerked left slightly. Looking back down at Xander she saw his questioning gaze.

"I'm just gonna go up front, talk to Giles, let him know we need to find a hospital for the wounded soon, and some accommodation so I can try and help Buffy." Her voice once again becoming strong and in charge, like it sometimes did when Buffy was out of action.

Smiling at her back as she carefully made her way to the front of the bus to speak with Giles, he wondered when Willow had become so confident, so grown up and ready to take command. He couldn't help but feel slightly awed at the change in her.

He gaze, once again, slid back to the catatonic Slayer by his side. He remembered what Willow had done to help Buffy last time she'd been like this. But he knew that if Willow dived into their friend's memories this time, she might not be so prepared for it.

If it was time Buffy had spent with Spike in there, it was not only more intimately private, but for all they knew could be downright dangerous. From what little Buffy had told him, their relationship after Buffy returned from Heaven had not been healthy in the least. And Buffy had, in time, assumed a lot of the blame for that, so he wasn't entirely sure that Willow would be ready to see Buffy's thoughts of that dark time.



~*~*~*~



"Hey, Giles." Willow spoke softly, as she approached him from behind. "Umm don't suppose you know what time we'll reach L.A?" The sky was now streaked in pink and purple hues; she hoped they would reach the city before night fall.

"We'll get there when we get there, Willow!" Giles raised his voice in exasperation. Casting a look at the taken aback expression on the witch's glowing face, he hastened to add. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't be taking this out on you. I'm quite worried about Buffy, has she spoken at all since leaving Sunnydale?"

Willow shook her head sadly; she too was worried for Buffy.

"No, but I think it's the same thing that happened when Glory snatched Dawn. I mean that's the only time I've seen her like this... Y'know catatonia or something..." She saw Giles nodding.

"Of course, fallen comrades. I expect this has hit her particularly hard considering she was their leader."

"Xander seems to think that it has something to do with...Spike." She hesitating in saying his name, she knew that Giles and Buffy had non-physical blows over the vampire recently. She still wasn't entirely sure what had happened, but at the same time hadn't wanted to pry.

"Yes, I had come to that conclusion to..." His quiet voice trailed off, as though lost in thought. Before saying abruptly, "I'm afraid we will have to call on at Wolfram and Hart."

"Wolfram and Hart? What's that?" Willow had never heard of it before, but it sounded...otherworldly.

"Wolfram and Hart, a law firm that deals in...Well evil, unfortunately." Giles seemed very uneasy which didn't help Willow's nerves.

"But if it's an evil law firm, why are we going there?" A fair question, thought Giles.

"My sources tell me that it is under new management..." He trailed off, as if hesitant to say who the new management were.

"Giles...?" Willow was quickly becoming agitated and impatient.

"Yes...well it appears the new C.E.O, is in fact Angel."







TBC...

Buffy opened her eyes with a jolt, looking around she realised where she was and as a result became confused. Had she imagined the whole thing?


She was sat next to the island counter in her kitchen, in her home. Which if she remembered correctly should be at the bottom of a Sunnydale sized crater right now. Her brow furrowed and her lower lip came out slightly as she tried to remember a few moments before she had suddenly been sat there.


And then she noticed something that was not there to be noticed; noise. Where was everyone? It was almost eerily quiet and it worried her. Had something happened?


As soon as Buffy began to panic the back door flew open, and in a flurry of smoke, blanket and cursing, Spike appeared.


Buffy's hand flew to her mouth, her eyes wide. It hit her like an iron fist; she remembered everything. The battle, the hellmouth, their joint hands aflame, his denial of her love, leaving him to die a champion, the bus... She knew in that instant exactly what had happened, she wasn't really here right now but trapped inside her mind.


She stared silently as he stomped the small flames from the blanket, her throat clogged with emotion. She knew this wasn't really Spike, only a figment of her imagination, but she also knew it was the best she could ever hope for again. RealSpike was gone, but here in her mind was another Spike, a Spike that could never leave her because he wasn't actually real. Buffy's face split into a huge grin and she launched herself at the vampire. Wrapping her arms tightly around his waist she tucked her face into his neck and breathed in his scent.


Buffy sighed happily; her imagination had captured everything perfectly.


"...Buffy, you feelin' okay, pet?"


"Hmmm?" Buffy smiled up at his confused face, and then jumped backwards a step, releasing him. "Oh yeah, sorry...I just...where have you been?"


Still looking bewildered at her strange behaviour Spike remembered why he had braved the sun to come here rather than just wait for nightfall. "Yeah here's the thing... I can't remember a soddin' thing."


"Huh?" Her nose scrunched up adorably.


"Everythin's blank, all I remember is wakin' up in my crypt, then comin' here. Oh an' a right weird dream...Buffy?" He watched as her face paled and she started to look scared. "What is it?"


Buffy seemed to come back to herself, "Oh, nothing...Just kinda spaced, heh sorry..." She almost cringed when she heard her voice shake, could she make that sound any more of a lie? But Spike just nodded, accepting her excuse.


"So...what was the dream about?" Buffy berated herself silently for her hesitant tone.


Spike sighed and sat down onto the stool Buffy had just vacated, "Can't remember most of it, just flashes. You were in it, fightin' along with all the wannabe Slayers, you told me you l— just before I woke up I think I dusted, in a big pillar of fire type o' thing." He shuddered slightly, remembering.


Buffy turned away from him, discreetly trying to wipe the tears that had escaped her eyes. Why did he remember? This was supposed to be her mind, and in her fantasy world he did not remember his death. This couldn't really be Spike, could it? That was crazy, her Spike was dead. His body was dust in the bottom of the now-closed Hellmouth.


His ashes were, but where had his soul gone? Now that he had one, where would it go? Buffy had considered it briefly before, but realising it was stupid and Spike would never leave, because he was Spike, she had dismissed the thought entirely. But he had, and she realised she had no idea where he was. Unless this was her Spike, but that idea was so unrealistic she cast it aside for now.


But why did he remember? Even if he only thought it was a dream.


"You alright?" She felt his hands hovering close to her skin before he dropped them to his sides, unsure of whether he should use touch to comfort her or not. RealSpike would probably do that, he had still been somewhat hesitant with physical contact before the battle, sure he had held her those last few nights, but during the day he had remained distant.


Turning around, Buffy looked at him with blurry vision. "Yup, m'good." Her voice was light and playful, causing Spike to smile. The kind of smile she only saw when it was just the two of them.


"So, where is everyone?" He moved away and Buffy had to fight the urge to either move with him or just grab him and pull him back. Then his question registered; what should she say? What could she say? Then words just started falling from her mouth like word-vomit.


"They all went on another field trip thingy with Giles, something about needing a break Giles said. Which is true I guess, I mean we could all do with a break but the Sl-potentials especially." She turned away from the vampire; she felt awful lying to him. "The others decided to tag along, so it's just lil' old me here." She plastered a bright smile on her face and turned back towards him, wringing her hands.


Spike chuckled, "Glad o' the break, eh?" Something seemed off with her story; he couldn't imagine Giles and everyone just taking a ‘break' days before the big showdown. But then again, what reason did Buffy have to lie to him about it?


"Heh, like you can't imagine." Spike looked at her, for some reason he couldn't fathom she seemed nervous maybe even a little scared. He had learnt a long time ago with Buffy that it was best to let her open up in her own time about things that were on her mind rather than force her into telling him, so he didn't mention it.


"What's on the agenda today then? More research?" Spike watched Buffy as her face turned sour at the thought of research, he managed to smother his laughter. "Right, no research."


"Can we just...I dunno, watch a movie or something?" At his bemused look she continued, "I just mean with everyone gone and the house empty it's be nice to just...chillax for the day."


"Chillax?" His raised an eyebrow, fighting a smirk.


"Yeah, y'know chill out, relax." At his look she said, indignantly, "All the kids are using it nowadays." She sniffed lightly and stalked off but before leaving the room she turned back with a smile and giggled.


Spike wasn't sure if he'd ever seen her act this playful and carefree before, at least not around— and definitely not towards— him.


"Sure they are, luv." He stood and followed her through to the living room.


Upon entering the room, Spike nearly walked straight into her. She was stood just inside the doorway, staring at something. He poked his head round and gasped as he saw what had caught her attention. "Bloody hell..." He whispered; his voice strained.


"Oh god," Buffy's voice shook as she looked at the scene in front of them. "Oh my god, Spike I..."


They both watched in horror as another Spike and Buffy re-enacted the moment that had haunted the both of them for the past year. As if watching a particularly horrific car crash, neither could pull their eyes away.


"I'm gunna make you feel it!"


"No! Stop!"


Then something changed.


Spike was sitting against the bathtub, looking at Buffy with horror painting every inch of his face over what had almost happened. The real Buffy and Spike watched as slowly Buffy crawled over to where the other Spike was now huddled up with tears of remorse streaming down his face.


"Shhh, it's okay, it's okay baby, shhh," Buffy drew Spike into her arms, ignoring his weak struggles to pull himself away, she held him tightly as he collapsed in harsh sobs and stroked his hair, murmuring nonsense yet comforting noises into his ear.


Real Buffy and Spike stood, paralyzed, by what they were seeing, both with different reactions.


Buffy wished more than anything that it had happened this way, she had imagined this scenario so many times and that was probably why it had appeared now. She thought about it so much over the past year, about how Spike wasn't fully to blame for that night, about how many times she had told him ‘no' only to really mean ‘yes', how she had hurt him, used him and near enough crushed everything he was by taking her pain out on him. She doubted she would ever regret anything else so much in her life.


But as Spike watched the scene unfold, his thoughts turned angry; he still didn't understand what the hell was happening but as the other Buffy held Spike in her arms, telling him it was okay and that she forgave him, Spike felt furious. How could she just forgive that? He had tried to rape her and now she comforted him? Suddenly Spike felt sick, what would he have done if it had played out like that? Would he have fallen into the Slayer's arms and accepted her forgiveness? He couldn't honestly say he wouldn't have.


Moving away from the doorway, away from Buffy he walked calmly back into the kitchen he had just left, and promptly vomited into the sink. After emptying his stomach, Spike sat down on the floor with a thud. What had he just seen? Had the soul finally driven him crazy? That would explain Buffy's playful behaviour earlier.


"Spike?" Buffy entered the kitchen, looking pale. "Oh god, Spike are you okay?" She rushed forward, unsure of what to do. She knew that the memory of that night haunted him, but she didn't know how she should comfort him. Or how she could explain what had just happened.


Hesitantly her hand rose, inching closer to his ashen face. When she touched his skin it was deathly cold, much colder than the room temperature he usually was. She ran her finger tips down his prominent cheekbones and instead of jerking away like she expected, he turned his piercing azure gaze on her, looking slightly crazed. "Buffy?"


"I'm here, its o-"


"Don't!" He barked, making Buffy jump slightly, he lowered his voice, "Don't say its okay," His voice cracked, and tears flooded his eyes. "S'not okay."


Still running her fingers over his face, she gave him a small smile, "Fine...it's alright." His face crumpled and he tried turning away but she placed her hands fully on each side of his head, holding him in place. "I forgive you, Spike. I did a long time ago. That night...we were both to blame. I hurt you so much more than you hurt me." He began shaking his head in denial. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, Spike."


And finally he fell into the circle of her arms and cried. Buffy felt herself tear up as she felt his body jerk with the sobs he couldn't control, she pressed a tender kiss to his temple. "I love you."


His sobs came to an abrupt halt and he reeled backwards out of her embrace. Buffy's face was a picture of hurt and rejection, she remembered Spike's earlier words in the Hellmouth: ‘No you don't, but thank for sayin' it', and her heart ached.


Buffy watched as his face went from confused to pained to absolute shock in a few quick seconds; she wondered what he could be thinking. She felt the sting of rejection creeping up as she waited for him to speak, and the longer he remained silent the more hurt she began to feel. What if he didn't love her? What if her mind had conjured up a Spike who had never loved her?


"It wasn't a dream."


Buffy thought her heart stopped when she heard those words, how did he know? And if he knew, did that mean that somehow her Spike was really here? She didn't know how it was possible but if she was right and Spike was really here...


A maniacal chuckle broke through her thoughts and she looked at her vampire, he was staring wildly at her, while choking on an insane laughter she had never heard him make before.



"Spike...?"



"I'm dead."






TBC...