Prologue:

It’s a colder day then Buffy’s ever felt on the California coast. The wind whistles past her ears, snowflakes catch in her eyelashes. She sighs and looks out at the turbulent crashing waves of the ocean through the misty white air of her breath. Her feet are bare and frozen numb as she stands at the edge of the snow covered dock. Her toes curl over the edge of the frozen wood and she wraps her arms tighter around her belly. The white fabric of her silk nightgown sticks to her skin as it begins to dampen with the moisture of the falling snow. The Slayer shivers. She looks out at the deathly depths of the sea watching the falling snow melt into the waves and then she steps off the dock.

The water is like thousands of needles piercing her flesh as she plummets beneath the sea. It’s an icy fire of pain that spreads through her, consumes her. Buffy gives her body up to the sway of the tide, gives her life up. Her arms still wrap protectively around her belly, and she holds tight as the ocean steals her last breath away with a freezing kiss.

Chapter 1: Shattered

Approximately four months earlier

Tara flips the spatula successfully turning over the first of two currently sunny-side up eggs. However, Dawn doesn’t like it when her yoke runs so these eggs are destined to be over easy and thoroughly cooked. Currently the teenager is in the shower, most likely using up all of the hot water and running through more conditioner then necessary, but she’ll be down soon scampering about the kitchen and running out the door to get a ride to school from Xander.

“Think Buffy’s mad at us or well… at me?” Willow asks.

Tara turns around to see the red witch idly poking at her breakfast while she sits at the kitchen island. She keeps her head down, staring at the wiggly yoke of her eggs as if she doesn’t want Tara to see the guilt in her eyes. Buffy has seemed even more distant the last few weeks. After she told them that she had been in Heaven it was like she finally let them see a piece of how much she’s hurting.

“You’re worried because she didn’t come home last night,” Tara says, she’s worried as well, it’s why she and Willow have skipped class this morning to make sure Dawn gets off to school okay.

“I just wish I could do something… make it better, I feel like she doesn’t even want to be around us.”

“I know… it’s just something she has to work through, a-and she will… in time,” Tara says then slides the over easy eggs on to a plate and sets them on the counter. She knows finding out that Buffy was in Heaven is something that will be hard for Willow to let go of. It’ll be hard for any of them to move past what they did, but Willow feels most responsible. “I want you to know how proud of you I am, for not turning to magic these last few weeks.”

“I can’t say I wasn’t tempted,” Willow admits and in her mind she adds that she still is. “Although if I had done a spell it probably would have just gone ka-blewey and made things worse anyway.” Willow frowns feeling like she can’t do anything right. Life would be so much easier if easy fixes really existed.

“You’re a good witch Willow, but I’m glad to see that you’re starting to understand that magic has its place.”

“I never should have brought her back.” Willow’s words are soaked with remorse.

Tara is about to tell Willow that yes they made a bad choice, a terrible mistake, but that things will get better. Eventually Buffy will cope, eventually the blissful memory of heaven will fade and she’ll remember that life is worth living; she doesn’t get the chance however as at that moment the kitchen door swings open creaking on its hinges and Buffy walks in. Both witches turn to see her slightly dishelmed and still wearing the long leather skirt and white blouse she had on the night before. Willow’s eyes light up glad to see her best friend, Tara however feels that something is wrong, and if not wrong certainly different.

“Buffy,” Willow says. “I’m glad you’re home, we were worried about you… are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Buffy replies, it isn’t true but short and hopefully enough of an answer to get everyone to stop asking her if she’s okay.

They all want her to be okay, even more so now that they know she was in Heaven. But they all want her to be okay so they can feel better about themselves, so they can feel less guilty about what they did. Buffy can’t be okay though, not yet maybe not ever, and she finds that she hates herself a little bit more every day for resenting people who care about her so. She hates this harsh place, this world where she’s so alone, so far from the encompassing warmth and love where she felt a part of something bigger.

The only person who doesn’t insist that she be okay, who doesn’t need her reassurances, need her to be there for them; the only person to offer her that feeling of being wanted and loved, to give her something, is Spike. Buffy then shakes her head trying to rid her mind of thoughts of the blonde vampire. She doesn’t want to think about the peace he gave her, doesn’t want to think about how she wants more of it.

“Buffy, a- are you sure, y-you look… was there a fight last night?” Tara stammers.

“Fight?” Buffy’s thoughts drift back to her fight with Spike, to how one moment she was punching him, adrenalin building in her veins; and then the next she was kissing him, using him to release everything that was pent up inside her. “Yeah, um… big fight, you know, the all night-er kind… but it’s fine, it’s over.” And Buffy thinks in that moment that it is over, this was a one night thing with Spike, that’s it, never again… right? “I um, I’m gonna go get some sleep.”

“Right, of course,” Willow says almost too eagerly. “You’re all beat up from monster wrestling all night, go sleep, Tara and I will make sure Dawn gets off to school alright.” Buffy nods and vanishes up the stairs without another word. Willow and Tara watch her go with concern.

--

Buffy sinks down into the soft covers of her bed now dressed in sweats and tries to get some well needed rest. Her room is as dark as it’s going to be with the bright early sun beating in through the spaces between her drapes, and Buffy tries not to think about Spike being trapped all day inside the wreckage of their… not lovemaking, of their encounter the night before; but as much as she tries to keep him out of her mind her thoughts find themselves drifting to the vampire time and time again.

She slammed him against the wall, her fist cracking the plaster as she tried to throw her arms around him and her lips crashed against his with desire, with need. She wanted to be closer to him, to feel him, to feel anything. She longed to feel connected again, connected to anything. It wasn’t long after that that he was lifting her up, the world was falling apart around them but all Buffy could focus on was the feel of his cool skin, his hard body pressed against her and his cool lips kissing her neck and… and then she took it all to the next level.

Buffy rolls over in bed and heaves a sigh before attempting sleep once again. She just wants to pretend like last night didn’t happen.

He whispered soft nothings into her ear, but she was already too far gone to understand a word of them. He made the world go away, made the pain, the despair, the hatred, all of it was gone when she was with him, and all through the night she wanted more and more of him. Spike made her forget how much she was starting to hate herself, made her forget how selfish her friends had been, made her forget everything other than the feel of his cool skin, the feel of him, the motion, the way he…

Buffy’s eyes burst open again. The last thing she wants right now is to think about him. She doesn’t want to remember last night, doesn’t want to remember how complete she felt when he filled her, doesn’t want to remember how alive she felt with a dead man. Buffy gets out of bed and heads toward the bathroom, she thinks that maybe a crisp cold shower is what she needs to get her head straight.

--

Ice cold water shoots out of the shower head and splashes in the tub. As the Slayer shrugs out of her sweats she gets a good look at her bruised body for the first time. Looking in the mirror she can see thin cuts crisscrossing her back, large bruises cover her sides and arms, and dark round marks trail up her neck. Those she will defiantly have to cover up.

Buffy steps into the shower and closes her eyes letting the cool water rush over her. As the dirt and grime run off her body Buffy starts to feel better. Streams of liquid ice run across her skin, so cold and yet soft, like hands caressing her, like his cold hands running across her skin. Buffy’s eyes snap open and she quickly turns the faucet from ice cold to steamy hot.

That stupid spell, this is all Xander’s fault for conjuring up that demon and making everyone sing and dance; before that things were… okay. She was still in pain, still hurting, hating, but she knew what everything around her meant. Her friends were her friends, selfish as they may be, and Spike was Spike, her enemy… except that he wasn’t.

They had been getting closer. Last year she had come to trust him with Dawn; to truly believe that he was on their side and she watched him fight for her, risk his life for her. Since she’d come back they’d been talking, he was the only person she really wanted to talk to, he was the only one to really listen, sure everyone else listened, but only to what they wanted to hear, Spike listened to every word and sometimes Buffy even thought he understood the pain behind those words. Even then she had sought comfort in his presence, even when the comfort he offered her was only words and an open ear.

Everyone had good intentions and it hurts her so much to think about how hard her friends were trying to do the right thing and failing completely. Spike however, his intentions were just true, not always right but true, he was honest with her. So maybe they were becoming friends, but the kissing part, the show stopping, choreographed moment where they poured their hearts out and shared the kind of kiss you only read about in romance novels or watched in movies, that was definitely Xander’s fault… the sex however, that was all her fault.

Buffy flinches, partly because she knows that she got herself into this whole thing, and partly because she can’t blame any of it on Spike. She thinks then that it would all be so much simpler if this was all just something that he did, some evil plan, some twisted scheme, but it’s not and she knows it. None the less Buffy decides that it has to end, she can’t ever sleep with him again, it’s just wrong. Even if it is the only thing that she wants, Buffy sighs with resolution and turns off the faucet.

Chapter 2: Addicted

After her shower Buffy finally was able to fall asleep without Spike plaguing her thoughts, she wasn’t however able to keep him out of her dreams. All through her daytime nap she fantasized of an evening where Spike kidnapped her from a Scooby meeting, grabbed her in the basement of the Magic box and dragged her into the cool calming shadows. He held her hostage in his crypt where she again found herself wrapped in his naked embrace and letting him do unspeakable things to her, letting him take her pain away.

Now as she makes her way down the stairs fully dressed and ready to patrol images of those dreams float through her mind. Images of the things he did, how he made her feel. She can almost still feel the cool kisses along her collar bone; almost feel his chilling fingers trailing down her side…

“Hey Buff,” Dawn says as she comes to the end of the stairs and the Slayer is snapped out of her thoughts. “You feeling better, you slept all day.” She stands waiting at the end of their stairs, her fingers fidgeting at her sides. Buffy can tell she’s starved for attention. She’d been starving all summer for someone to look after her like a mother, like a sister, and then was left disappointed with Buffy’s return.

“Yeah, all better now.”

“Good,” Dawn says with a little smile then awkwardly shifts her weight from one hip to the other. “Oh, uh, there’s mail on the kitchen counter.” Great, probably more bills I can’t pay Buffy thinks.

“Thanks, I’ll look at it later.”

“Are you patrolling right now? The sun just set, I thought we could, I don’t know have a sister-night or something.” Dawn looks so hopeful, but Buffy barely notices.

“Yeah I am, but um… I just wanna do a quick sweep,” So that I can avoid Spike, Buffy thinks. “So I’ll be home early.”

“Oh, okay cool, well I’ll look for a movie or something,” Dawn says and her face lights up. “You feeling a laugh til my abs hurt comedy or an I’ve seen things more bloody in real life slasher flick?”

“You pick,” Buffy replies with an apathetic tone then walks toward the door.

“Ok cool,” Dawn squeals, “I’ll make popcorn and everything!” Buffy smiles at her sister’s enthusiasm which she does not share. Dawn’s only trying to do her part to bring Buffy back into the life of the living and Buffy can’t blame her for that. “Be safe patrolling!” Dawn yells as Buffy steps out the door.

“I will,” She yells back and disappears into the night.

--

The first three cemeteries that Buffy ventured through were void of any activity and as she travels toward the fourth and final cemetery on her list for the night she’s feeling restless for not coming across a fight yet. She wishes for a distraction to take her mind away from its constant wandering to Spike and their night in the abandoned building, but so far her wish remains un-granted.

Buffy’s final destination is Renshaw Cemetery, the farthest cemetery from Spike’s crypt and she prays that she’ll find some action here of the non-Spike involving variety. The Slayer knows that she’ll eventually run into the blonde vampire, she’s just not quite ready to run into him now. Not quite ready to confront her mistake. She’s not ready to confront what it means that the only time she’s felt anything since she’s been back was when she was with him. As Buffy walks down the empty and poorly lit sidewalk however, she finds that she may have to get ready. She can feel that she’s no longer alone. The familiar tingle runs up her spine, cool, dangerous and thrilling.

Spike moves in the shadows behind Buffy following her, stalking her. He’s run through thousands of conversations in his head since spotting her. He’s thought over thousands of ways to bring up their night of passion. Thoughts of confronting her with anger from rushing out on him, to bringing her flowers, and writing her poetry all floated through his mind as options; still though he finds himself unable to locate the right words to confront her with. He knows she feels him now though, he had followed her undetected for some time, but as he listens to her heart rate pick up and sees her hand coil tighter around the stake she grasps he knows that she feels him.

Buffy stops and Spike stops behind her, with a flip of her hair Buffy twists around to face him; an indifferent look across her features.

“What do you want Spike?” Buffy asks as if nothing had ever transpired between them more than their average banter.

“We need to talk,” Spike says.

“We have nothing to talk about,” Buffy says flatly and the muscles in Spike’s jaw flex as he grates his teeth.

“So that’s the story now, just gonna pretend like the other night didn’t happen.”

“That’s the plan,” Buffy says as she turns from Spike and continues walking. He catches up to her.

“Will you quit bloody lying to yourself.” Buffy glares at Spike shooting daggers at him with her eyes. “You felt something last night.”

“Not love,” Buffy replies and finds herself wondering why she didn’t deny his allegation straight out. He was right, she did feel something, but admitting that is not helping anything.

“Not yet. But I'm in your system now. You're gonna crave me, like I crave blood.”

“Spike, last night ... was the most perverse ... degrading experience of my life.” Buffy thinks about how her friends would look at her if they knew and she feels disgusted.

“Yeah, mine too,” Spike says fondly and smiles at Buffy evoking a look of revulsion from her, she’s annoyed with him.

“That might be how you get off, but it's not my style.” A smirk creeps across Spike’s face.

“No, it's your bloody calling, gave me a run for my money, Slayer.”

“Spike, just stop, last night was… it was a freak-show,” freak-show, that’s what Angel had called their relationship when he broke up with her, and now she’s throwing it at Spike. Angel had wanted her to have a normal life, a normal boyfriend, told her she should find someone who could take her into the light, make love to, give her children, great job she’s doing at that Buffy thinks. She feels angry now, angry at Angel for how he treated her, angry with herself for how she’s doing the same to Spike, angry at Spike for how he’s made her feel. Disgusted, annoyed, angry, blissful, comforted, released; all of them feelings, caused by him.

“… it will never happen ag…” A loud shrieking scream is heard in the distance and Buffy’s thoughts end as she takes off in the direction of the sound with Spike following close behind.

--

Buffy bursts through the gates of Renshaw Cemetery and sees a rustling among the bushes up ahead. She takes off leaping over headstones and chasing after the unknown assailant with more speed then she would normally put into such a chase. Partly she wants to run away from Spike, away from whatever responsibility she now owes him, even if that’s nothing more than an explanation of why she changed the rules in the middle of a fight. Luckily as Buffy comes across the attacker in question she sees that she will have something to distract her, at least for a short while.

Buffy looks on at the two large scaly demons hovering over a young girl; Spike comes up beside her just as she storms toward the first black scaly demon who’s reaching toward the young dark haired girl. The demon turns to her as she approaches and the girl takes off.

Spike looks on for a moment as the Slayer ducks a blow from the strange demon; it’s species he does not recognize, just large, scaly, and dumb. He smiles watching her take hold of the situation and knock the demon to the ground, but large, scaly, and dumb isn’t quite as dumb as Spike first thought for he manages to kick the Slayer’s legs out from under her. Spike sees the other demon nearing her and steps in.

Slayer and vampire fight against the demons dodging blows and dancing around kicks. The excitement of the fight makes both of them feel alive. They’re strong beasts, but not very skilled and while it takes a lot of energy for both Buffy and Spike to take them on the fight doesn’t last long. Buffy snaps the neck of the demon she’s fighting just as Spike stomps on the head of his demon. Both creatures collapse on the ground and the Slayer stands panting for a moment. After all that she feels like she took the demon out too soon, she should have drawn the fight out longer, made it a worthwhile use of her energy and a useful event in reducing her frustration. She didn’t though, and now it’s over, and her body is still charged with exhilaration and tingling with excitement; but slowly that’s turning into a frustrated buildup of tension from lack of release. Her eyes flutter to meet Spike’s. He locks his gaze on her and stalks over to stand before her.

Invading her personal space Spike is mere inches from Buffy but she doesn’t step back. She thinks about saying something witty, thinks about what comment she’ll respond with when he speaks first and brings up the other night again, but as Spike opens his mouth it quickly becomes clear that he doesn’t want to talk anymore.

Spike grabs Buffy roughly by the arms and pulls her to him smashing his lips against hers. Within seconds all her senses are shutting down, all thoughts disappear; all that Buffy can focus on is his lips and the way they move with hers. She should have figured that if she wouldn’t listen to him that he’d just show her what he meant. He’d always been more of a hands on kind of guy, and right now his hands are on her, pulling her closer, running up the back of her shirt.

Buffy pulls away to catch her breath and can feel her body throbbing for more, when her eyes meet Spike’s again however he’s grabbed her by the wrist and is pulling her farther into the cemetery. She thinks about asking him where he’s taking her but her mind is still rather fuzzy.

Spike pushes open the door to a crypt and pulls Buffy in. Once inside he thrusts her up against said door shutting it with her body and quickly brings his lips back to hers. This is wrong Buffy thinks, but it feels so good. His lips move to her neck and Buffy gasps. Her hands seem to be moving on their own accord traveling up the back of his shirt tracing his muscles and it doesn’t take long for things to get deep, for the both of them to be completely consumed by their passion.

He lifts her up and she twists her legs around his hips locking them behind his back. The Slayer’s small yet powerful hands push frantically at his leather coat while he continues to suck at her already bruised and tender neck. Spike shakes out of his coat and it falls to the floor with a thud, at the same time his own hands are tugging at the fabric of Buffy’s shirt and she raises her arms to allow him to pull it off.

Buffy practically tears at Spike’s shirt as she yanks it over his head. The other night undressing had come somewhere between the first and… well, but now it feels like the time it’s taking them to get undressed is forever long.

Spike twists with Buffy in his arms pulling her away from the door he had her pushed against and lies down with her beneath him on the floor, his leather duster the only thing between her bare back and the cement. Why the Slayer hadn’t worn a bra to patrol Spike doesn’t know, but he thanks the Gods for such small miracles as he looks her over taking in the sight of every one of her curves.

Buffy is breathing deep and heavy when Spike moves his attention to her neck and begins trailing butterfly kisses down her body, his fingers trailing down her sides. She gasps as he reaches her stomach, his cool lips pressing against her fevered skin, and then the next thing she knows he’s gotten her jeans undone and is pulling them past her ankles. Kicking her pants the rest of the way off Buffy twists her fingers in Spike’s hair while his mouth continues to kiss and do things to her skin making her feel a way that she never thought she’d come close to feeling after being brought back from the dead, feel a way she didn’t even know was possible to feel. With need she pulls him back up to her and as his lips meet hers in a hungry kiss her hands move yet again on their own accord to his jeans. The button and fly of which easily come undone.

All Buffy’s earlier thoughts of their previous encounter being wrong, all feelings of guilt and disgust with herself are gone, just as all her pain and hatred and depression have disappeared. As she grips his shoulders, as her hands rake along his back, as he moves with her Buffy knows that Spike was right about one thing. He is in her system now, and although she knows she doesn’t love him, and maybe never will, maybe will never be capable of loving again; she will crave him. She’ll crave his touch and his kiss, crave him and need him like nothing she’s ever needed before because being with Spike is like being in the eye of the storm. It’s the only place her mind not only feels pleasure but feels peace and calm. For everything spiraling around in her life, everything else; friends, family, work, it’s all a turbulent tornado trying to rip her apart.

Chapter 3: Unsettled

One Month Later:

Buffy wakes up, the rough underside of the rug rubs against her delicate skin and her eyes open. Greeted by the glow of soft candlelight Buffy finds herself on the floor of the lower part of Spike’s crypt, her naked and warn form rests beneath the oriental rug and Spike is fast asleep. Passed out from passion and exhaustion a few feet from her he lies under the same rug and is looking handsomely disheveled with his blonde hair in a mess of curls. Buffy sighs. Over the last month this has become somewhat of a routine, an affair. She would patrol and then end her nights here letting him take her thoughts away and ease her pain. When she came to him he could erase the stressors clouding her mind with nothing more than a touch of his chilling fingertips. That touch would send sparks flying through her every time.

Buffy scrambles to her feet and searches for her clothes, more often than not she ends up leaving sans an item or two and has started dressing for patrol in clothes she can quickly get out of. The Slayer tugs up her jeans and throws her blouse over her head then sets to buttoning said jeans, as she does, however, a sick feeling comes over her. Her belly twists and rumbles as if all her insides have suddenly knotted up. She squeezes her eyes shut for a moment willing the nausea to go away, but it doesn’t. Then with a quick intake of breath Buffy grips the ladder with her left hand and bends over letting loose her dinner from the night before.

Spike wakes at the sound of her uneasiness; he quickly rushes to the Slayer’s side and runs his hand down her back. Buffy spits in an attempt to clean out her mouth and closes her eyes feeling Spike’s chilly hand on her back. Her body suddenly feels fevered and his cool touch calms her.

“You alright pet?” Spike asks, his voice filled with concern.

“Yeah, must just be the flu… I’ll be fine.” Buffy stands up straight and turns to Spike. “I should get going, Dawn…”

“Dawn is fast asleep and will still be in four hours when the sun comes up.”

“Spike…”

“You’re burning up love,” he says resting his hand against her forehead and as he does she closes her eyes comforted by his cold skin. “Stay here,” he pleads and Buffy is about to object. “Jus’ till mornin’, then you can kick me in the head and toddle off like usual… there’s just no sense lettin’ a beasty get a swing at you when you’re not at your best.”

He runs his hand down her arm sending chilling tingles through her body and turns them toward the bed. Part of Buffy wants to leave, wants to run away, but his cold skin against her heated flesh feels so good. Buffy nods and lets Spike lead her to the bed.

She curls up under the covers leaving her clothes on and he lies down beside her. Still exhausted from their night of passion she falls asleep quickly and finds that she’s glad Spike made her stay, although she’ll never admit it.

--

Buffy’s eyes flutter open once again as sunlight shines in through the open hole leading to the lower crypt. Still hazy from sleep she shifts in bed and finds that her body is pressed up against Spike’s porcelain form. Her hand sits on his bare chest and her head is resting on his shoulder, even her leg is swung over his hip, what disturbs Buffy the most however is that the last few hours of sleep she got were the best she’s had in over a month. Buffy jumps back instantly detangling herself from the vampire. Luckily he’s still dead asleep and Buffy squirms out of bed before he has a chance to wake. She heads home just after sunrise without any of the nausea from the night before returning.

--

Buffy puts the orange juice back in the fridge and closes the door. Her eyes catch the acceptance letter which has been stuck to the fridge with a bright pink magnet. When she received that letter a month ago she had been afraid to open it. Getting back into college would help her feel like her life is somewhat normal again. Studying and working toward something would give her purpose again, and she feared that that sense of normalcy and purpose would be taken from her with just a single letter. When she opened it, however, she was delighted to find the word ‘congratulations’ at the top of the page. Now Buffy just waits and hopes that financial aid comes through with enough money for her to cover tuition costs for the fall semester. She’d like to have started back this spring, but she’d already missed the deadline.

“Dawn!” Buffy yells as she makes her way to the end of the stairs with a glass of orange juice in her hand. “Hurry up, Xander’s gonna be here any minute.”

“I’m coming!” Dawn yells back from somewhere on the second story. Buffy takes a gulp of the juice in her hand and then Dawn is trampling down the stairs.

“Here,” Buffy says holding the orange liquid out to her sister.

“Ooo juice!” Dawn replies and grabs the glass gulping down the rest of the drink. She hands the glass back to Buffy who sets it on the kitchen counter just as a horn is heard from outside. “Hurry up Buffy I’m gonna be late.” Buffy follows her sister out the front door closing it behind her and walks with her to Xander’s grey sedan.

“You’re not gonna be late, we’re right on time,” Buffy says as she gets in the passenger seat of the sedan and Dawn sits in the back.

“Well hello my two favorite ladies,” Xander says as the passenger and back door close.

“You better be careful with phrases like that, Anya might hear you,” Buffy says teasingly.

“Okay, so you’re two of my favorite ladies, either way let’s just keep that between us.”

“Anya driving you nuts?”

“It’s like wedding planning makes her extra jealous, I was zoning out at the flower shop the other day while she was talking with this lady about the boutonnieres, she asked me a question and being of the zoned I didn’t hear her, thus she concluded that I was staring at the flower lady and then asked if I thought she was prettier then her.”

“Good luck with that one.”

“Hey, Xander take me to the west side of the building today,” Dawn says. “I’ve got a bio lab and I wanna get there early.”

“No problem Dawnie,” Xander says as they get closer to the school.

Dawn’s high school, or rather middle school which was added on to a few years back when Sunnydale High went ka-boom, is a small place. Not the large gathering of student bodies that Buffy and Xander remember. Buffy hopes smaller class sizes will make keeping Dawn in line a little easier. She hopes that her little sister will make friends and get the attention and companionship that she needs there as Buffy still feels like her contribution to the social part of Dawn’s life is lacking.

She’s been trying harder lately, and it’s been easier since she’s been seeing Spike, although she won’t admit it to herself. She wants for Dawn to be happy; but Buffy still has days when she isn’t sure what she wants for herself and finds a hard time giving Dawn what she needs from a sister. Buffy finds that she needs so much herself to be happy these days that she has little to give, but at least with Spike giving her some of those needs she’s able to at least try and be a better sister then she was.

The car stops and Dawn gets out waving bye to Buffy and Xander.

--

Xander parks the car outside the Magic Box and he and Buffy get out. Since Buffy’s announcement that she was in Heaven Xander has been trying to do whatever he can to spend more time with her. And driving her to the Magic Box so she can train, even on days when he has to go to work right after dropping her off, provides them with some quality best friend time. Today, however, is Xander’s day off and he’s looking forward to spending time with the Scoobies as Anya will be working inside and Willow and Tara are here after their morning class.

The bell above the door signals their arrival and Willow and Tara look up from the table where they’re working on school assignments to smile at Buffy and Xander.

“Hey guys,” Xander says then makes his way to the counter to give Anya a kiss.

“How’s it going?” Willow asks.

“Peachy with a side of keen,” Buffy says as she sits down at the round table. The phrase doesn’t exactly explain how she feels, although she does have to admit that things seem a little better now than they were a month ago.

“D-did you hear back about your loans yet?” Tara asks, and for a moment the witch seems to stare oddly at Buffy but she quickly lowers her eyes.

“Not so much, but here’s to hoping for free money.”

“I’m sure you’ll get loans to cover everything,” Willow says and Buffy smiles.

“Well, I’ll find out soon… anyway I’m gonna go work out for a bit, shall we reconvene in an hour with donuts?”

“On it,” Xander calls out.

“Make sure you get extra jelly ones this time,” Buffy hears Willow saying as she disappears into the training room.

--

Buffy is attacking the punching bag and throwing all her energy into her training. She finds it’s easy to lose herself in activities like fighting, and while things have been getting better lately she still values the moments she has when she can focus on something so intently that the rest of the world goes away. Training, fighting, and other activities which she attempts not to think about, mostly the kind that as of lately have been involving Spike. Buffy hits the bag with a heavy punch and it nearly flies off its chain.

The Slayer takes a deep breath and has to steady the punching bag for a moment. A wave of fatigue has overcome her. She thinks that maybe her thoughts about having the flu earlier are true, although she wonders why she’s yet to have a runny nose or scratchy throat. For a while during the day Buffy had tossed her nausea up to a case of food poisoning, but now she’s starting to think that she may actually be sick.

Then with a sinking feeling of uneasiness the nausea returns and Buffy finds herself gripping her stomach. She silently prays that the feeling subsides but it doesn’t, in fact it gets worse and Buffy finds herself rushing for the door. She pushes her way out of the training room and into the small half bath in the back of the store.

Chapter 4: Revelations

“Buffy, are you okay?” Willow asks as she peaks her head into the bathroom to see the Slayer hunched over the toilet and attempting to hold her hair back.

“Yeah… I must have the flu or something,” Buffy replies and stands up. Willow steps up to her and places her hand on her forehead. She does feel a little warm.

“Come sit down, I’ll get you a glass of water.” Willow leads Buffy to the round table and the blonde leans on her arm as she sits down. Willow disappears to get Buffy a glass of water while Xander moves to her side and Tara looks at her inquisitively.

“You alright Buffster?” Xander asks.

“Just sick I guess,” Buffy replies and then her eyes meet Tara’s. She sees the witch look at her as if she could see straight through her. Tara realizes that Buffy has caught her glare and looks away for a moment sheepishly.

“Uh, Buffy,” Tara says, “h-have you felt different lately?”

“What?” Buffy asks sitting up straighter.

“I just… there’s something different about you,” Willow hears Tara say as she comes back with a glass of water for her friend.

“Different how?” Willow asks as she hands the glass to Buffy and watches her take a sip.

“I’m not sure, she just… there’s something different… your aura.”

“What, you don’t think some beasty put the voodoo over her?” Xander asks.

“Have you come across a turclov demon recently?” Anya asks from behind the counter. “They have a thing where they infect their victims with a virus that takes on the symptoms of the flu… if you don’t treat it though it starts to, well; turn your innards into mush.”

“Oh God,” Xander says.

“Sorry, no demons lately,” Buffy replies. “But I did feel kinda sick this morning too.”

“Oh! I could do a revealing spell, then if there was something it would, you know… reveal itself,” Willow says then immediately her eyes move to meet Tara’s.

She’d been doing so good staying away from the magic, even though she’s had numerous spells floating through her mind for how to fix things for Buffy. Up until now however she hasn’t actually suggested doing any of them, not even the small forgetting spell she’d been hoping would be able to make Buffy forget about her time in heaven. But, the revealing spell could help her. Willow just wonders if her lover will be mad at her for jumping to it as her first solution.

“Or, not… I mean, it’s probably just the flu,” Willow says.

“No, that might be a good idea,” Tara says.

“Really?”

“Well yeah, I mean a reveling spell is simple and if this is something bad we should find out.”

“Well, okay, umm… what do I do?” Buffy asks.

“Nothing, I just need some incense,” Willow says then walks over to the counter and grabs a bundle off the shelf.

“Hey, that’ll be eleven fifty,” Anya protests, but when she sees a glare from Xander she feels sheepish. “But I’ll put that on your tab of course.”

Willow moves back to stand before Buffy and lights the large bundle of incense moving its orange smoky embers around Buffy in a zigzagging pattern. The smoke makes the Slayer slightly nauseous, but she’s able to keep her cool as Willow begins to chant. She’s a little nervous wondering if there really is some big bad after her. After all she has had someone messing with her lately, what with the day of jobs that would never end and other small events that have seemed out of place. Although she figures it can’t be that bad of a big if the evilest thing it can do to her is give her the sniffles; after all the tricks that have been being played on her are rather lame on the evil scale.

“Three fold magic I bind to bring forth and let us find that which causes her aches and pains and show us now what source remains,” Willow chants and a light breeze flows through Buffy’s hair. At first nothing happens; then a sharp pain rushes through her. This pain, however, is different than before. Buffy clutches at her stomach and doubles over for a moment. Xander reaches out to her, but just as quickly as the pain came upon her it disappears.

“You okay?” Xander asks as she stands up straight.

“Yeah, fine now.”

“Did it work?”

“I’m not sure,” Willow says. “Anyone see anything different?”

“If we don’t see anything does that mean it’s just the flu?” Xander asks, and Buffy sighs a little relieved; then she realizes that it’s not over. A painful cramp rips through Buffy’s belly and she sits down practically falling into her chair. She grips the table as she feels her stomach expand just ever so. The Scoobies look on fearful for their friend and then they all watch as her stomach grows before their eyes.

“Oh God,” Xander says. “It’s a stomach bloating demon disease.”

“Xander, I don’t think that’s it,” Tara says. “Buffy, I… I think… I think you’re p-pregnant.” The Slayer’s eyes go wide. She glares at Tara then looks down to her belly and despite the impossibility of it something tells her that it’s true. Her hands wrap around her now swollen belly and a look of panic overcomes her features. Her mind is finding it hard to process everything at the moment.

“What? But Buffy’s not...” Xander babbles, “I mean she… she doesn’t even…” Sickness returns to Buffy flipping her stomach and bringing her thoughts to Spike. She glances at her friends, a look of shock and confusion colors each of their faces. The disappointment, she can’t face them.

The Slayer bursts out of her chair and storms out the front door. The bell rings violently for a moment as the door swings on its hinges then falls silent.

“So you think she’s really… you know?” Willow asks.

“By her reaction I’d have to say that’s a big ol yes,” Xander says and Willow sits down.

“Well good, I would imagine getting some orgasms would put her in a better mood.”

“Ayn.”

“What? I’m just saying, Buffy’s been feeling down with the whole yanked out of heaven thing and sex makes you feel better.”

Anya’s comments are ignored.

“Who do you think the… you know, father is?” Willow asks.

“D-does Buffy, I mean, do you think she’s seeing someone?” Tara asks.

“If she is she hasn’t said anything to me,” Willow says sad that her friend has been hiding things from her, “Maybe it was just a… a…”

“One night stand?” Anya suggests flippantly.

“God, I don’t want to think about this,” Xander says and sits down beside Willow suddenly feeling sick himself.

“Well maybe it’s a good thing, maybe she does have a boyfriend and she’s you know, getting back to being Buffy,” Willow says hopefully.

“Then why hasn’t she introduced him to any of us?” Xander asks and Willow frowns.

“I-I’m sure Buffy will tell us when she’s ready,” Tara says.

--

The door to Spike’s crypt is kicked open with such force that it smashes against the wall chipping the cement and sending bits of gravel raining onto the ground. A candelabra is knocked over, unlit candles roll across the floor as Buffy steps into the shadows of the tomb leaving a stream of sunlight behind her. Spike stands up from his position in his stolen recliner and turns to face her as she storms across the room.

“Wasn’t expecting you here so early,” Spike says just as Buffy reaches him and slams him hard against the wall, her fingers coiled around his neck. Not exactly the welcome he’d been used to receiving over the past month, not that there hadn’t been a lot of slamming against walls involved.

“What did you do to me!” she yells then retracts her hand from around his neck and steps back. He looks on at her with perplexity sewn into his creased brow.

“What the bloody hell are you on about?”

“This,” Buffy says as she lifts up her shirt and allows Spike to see her slightly swollen belly more clearly. It’s not a large bump, small enough that Buffy could conceal it by a shirt that lifts away from her body like a tee that’s just a little too big or a sweatshirt, but large enough that Spike can understand her concern. “I’m… I’m pregnant,” Buffy all but whispers.

“Well it’s not bloody mine!” Spike shouts, the muscles in his jaw clenching tight, “Vampire remember.”

“You are the only person I’ve been with,” Buffy says firmly and Spike’s face turns to complete shock, not for the fact that he was the only person she’d been with. After all part of Spike knows that if she had someone else to be with, someone acceptable to bring around her friends that she wouldn’t be with him, but the realization that this… child is his, is theirs, shocks him more than anything he’s seen in over a hundred years of existence. He’s still trying to wrap his head around the idea when she speaks again.

“You really didn’t do anything?” Buffy says more calmly now and once again the vampire’s brow furrows.

“Why wou… you are off your gourd you know that Summers.” Buffy rolls her eyes and turns from Spike, frustrated she begins to storm off but he grabs her arm and whips her back around to him. “Where are you going?”

“To get this… thing out of me,” She spits out with vengeance and tries to pull away from Spike, but he holds on to her tighter. For whatever reason Spike finds his body filling with fear and worry, something about her words chills him to the core. She’s pregnant, pregnant with his child, and as he looks into her eyes he can tell that despite how impossible that should be he knows it’s true, he knows he wants it to be true.

“Wait,” Spike says softly.

“Spike, I am not keeping this thing inside me, you’re a demon, who knows what’s…”

“It has a heartbeat,” Spike says effectively silencing Buffy. Her mouth drops open for a moment and her hand instinctively moves to her belly. “I can hear it.” Buffy is completely speechless, Spike moves his hand from his grip around her arm to rest on her belly and she lets him. The feel of his cool digits palming her stomach sends shivers through her. “I can feel it.” Everything she thought she knew upon coming to see Spike is turned upside down. It has a heartbeat, it’s alive, it’s human not a vampire...

“It has a soul?” Buffy asks mostly to herself, but even as she says the words she knows they’re true. Suddenly the thing within her is no longer a thing, but a baby, her baby. It hits her like a ton of bricks knocking the wind out of her, a baby.

Chapter 5: Choices

Two blocks down and one cemetery over from Spike's crypt Buffy is walking with the sun at her back. She follows her shadow and weaves between the headstones toward her destination. Tears are running down her face creating rivers in her makeup. She doesn’t wipe them away, doesn’t even blink as her vision is blurred by a lens of water. One foot in front of the other, arms crossed tightly across her middle. Then she stops. Her shadow lands on a headstone just before her. Her knees give out and she falls to the ground. Kneeling in the wet grass Buffy begins to cry looking on at the final resting place of Joyce Summers. She traces the letters in the stone with her fingers and takes a deep breath. For the first time since being back she feels flooded with emotion. Not just the feeling of everyday pain, or the recurring feeling of pleasure she’s experienced with Spike, but a full rainbow array of emotions.

“Mommy,” she mumbles. “I really wish you were here, I don’t know how to make these choices.” She sits back and runs her fingers through her hair. “You were always the one that knew how to make the right decisions; you knew how to be a mom.” A breeze rushes by and Buffy’s hair flutters in the wind. “You were a good mom.” Another breath and her tears seem to ebb a little. “I love you mom.” For the first time since her return Buffy silently wishes her mom was there with her instead of wishing she was back where her mom is.

--

After hours of wandering around Sunnydale Buffy returns home. She’d walked through every one of the thirteen graveyards within the city limit while her mind raced with thoughts of her current predicament. Her thoughts raced with choices that now lie ahead for her to make. Abortion, one of her choices, her first choice, although at the time she wouldn’t have used that word to describe what she wanted to do. At the time she didn’t think of the thing growing within her as a baby; but now she does. Now, at the age of twenty Buffy is thinking about how her life will change if she has this baby, this tiny creature within her with a beating heart, with a soul.

She cried for some time on her walk. Silent tears rolled down her face as she meandered through town. Being a mother was never something she thought would be in her cards, something she never even thought about wanting because it would never happen for her. Slayers didn’t have friends, didn’t go to college, didn’t have babies, didn’t live past sixteen. But she’s already proven many of those points wrong and now as she’s presented with another card that she never thought she’d hold in her deck, Buffy doesn’t know what to do. Could she raise this child? Could she be its mother? A part of her screams yes, a part of her is yelling that this tiny person gives her a reason to live, but she doesn’t know.

Slayers tend to have very short lives, and she knows this from experience, she could end up dying before she even gave birth, before her baby turned one, before he turned five or ten or graduated from high school. Would it be right to have this baby and put it through the pain of her death? And what about its father, could she raise it alone? But Buffy knows how terrible it feels to wonder just what one’s father thinks of them when they’re never around. She knows how it feels to feel unwanted. But how could she ever let Spike be a part of her baby’s life… of his baby’s life. And what would her friends think if they knew; Buffy feels nauseous just thinking about how they would look at her…

“Buffy?” Willow calls from the living room and despite the part of her that wants to just run up the stairs and hide for the rest of her life Buffy peers into the living room to see Willow and Tara sitting on the couch. Buffy’s just glad that Dawn isn’t there beside them. “We um… we just…” Willow looks to Tara for support unable to find the right words. Buffy’s eyes flutter down to stare at her toes.

“We j-just want you to know,” Tara says, “that we support you, whether you decide to keep it or not.” Buffy’s eyes dart up to meet Tara’s. “A-and if you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay… o-or if you do.”

“We just want you to know we’re here for you,” Willow adds and Buffy nods. She feels tears welling in her eyes. She can tell that their feelings are sincere and their words are possibly the first things they’ve said to her that are truly about her and not their own guilt ridden consciousness.

“Did you… did you tell Dawn?” Buffy asks with a nervous tremble in her voice.

“No,” Willow replies, “we thought… we weren’t sure…” Buffy nods knowing what Willow is trying to say.

“Thanks.”

--

Buffy skipped patrol, she spent a zombie like hour with Dawn wearing a sweatshirt to cover her baby-bump and watched a re-run of Friends. Then she shed a few more tears in the shower before throwing on her pajamas and crawling into bed. Now she stares blankly at the ceiling. Buffy rests her hands on her stomach and wonders just how long it’ll take before she can feel him kick. She knows she can’t be more than a month along, but Willow’s spell sped her up to somewhere closer to three. She wonders then if things will continue to move at a sped-up pace or if it was just a onetime thing making the pregnancy visible to reveal her condition. Buffy shakes her head. She doesn’t want to let herself get carried away with fantasies. After all she’s yet to come to a decision about whether or not she’ll keep this baby. On one side keeping it seems to be everything she wants at the moment, the only thing she wants, but to act on want alone can be wrong and she knows she needs to do what’s right.

Buffy closes her eyes and tries to push her thoughts away, she’ll deal with it in the morning; but just then there is a tapping at her window. The pointed and repetitive sound causes her eyes to burst open and she sits up in bed just in time to see Spike lifting the pane open and step into her room.

“What do you want?” Buffy asks staring at the vampire with an annoyed glance. She expects Spike to retort in the same manner, but he doesn’t. Spike is quiet for a moment, and still as he stands in the moonlight before her window. Then he looks up at her almost bashful, his skin appears white as snow and his hair seems to glow a little in the cool moonlight. He isn’t here for what Buffy had assumed he was.

“I jus’…” A moment passes where Spike gathers his thoughts, thoughts that are the furthest thing from shagging the Slayer. “I couldn’t let you make a decision about…” Spike gestures toward her stomach, “you know, without telling you how I feel; I know it’s not gonna make a bloody difference in what you decide to do, but I just wanted you to know… I want you to keep it.” Buffy is silent and a moment of calm passes between them, then Spike moves closer to the bed. He seems twitchy, as if he wants to sit down beside her but thinks better of it.

“I wanna do this with you,” he says and Buffy’s eyes fill with liquid. “I know that’s probably the last thing you want, but God Buffy… I gave up a lot of things becoming a vampire, and most of which I never gave a toss about, others I never thought I would, an’ hearing you say that… I just want you to know that if you go through with this I’ll be there however you’d want me.” Buffy says nothing, but a single tear falls down her face and she looks away from him. Spike nods. “So, that’s it… I’ll let you get your rest,” he says and exits through her window closing it once he’s on the other side.

Buffy lies back down hoping that sleep will untie the twisted bundle of raw emotions that have knotted in her chest.

--

“Sure you don’t wanna come to the Magic Box today?” Xander asks standing in Buffy’s doorway. Dawn is waiting for him in the car.

“Yeah, I just need the day to myself to think,” Buffy replies and Xander nods.

“We all, uh… made kinda a pact not to, you know, push you on this whole thing, I know you’ll tell me when you get it all sorted out, I just… I’m here ya know, I’m totally un-judgmental guy.” His words are so honest and his face so sincere that for a moment Buffy thinks he really means it. But, she knows if he were to hear the truth that his words now would mean nothing; un-judgmental guy would go out the window and be replaced by guy-who-stakes-Spike.

“I know Xand, and thanks… it helps, knowing that you guys support me, I just need to figure this all out for myself first.” Xander smiles and then nods. The car horn is heard and Xander knows that if he doesn’t hurry up that he’ll have the wrath of Dawn to deal with soon. “I should…”

“Go before Dawn starts giving herself driving lessons,” Buffy says and Xander leaves giving her a hug as he does.

“Just so you know, I think I’d kinda like being uncle Xander,” he says turning back to face her when he reaches the sidewalk then he turns back to the car and gets in to take Dawn to school.

Buffy watches them drive off from the front porch steps then walks down to the mailbox to get the mail and heads back inside. She walks into the kitchen sifting through the bills and junk mail, sighing for the mass of unwanted and unnecessary printed paper she holds in her hands. Then Buffy stops. Her hand grazes across the front of one envelope in particular. The UC Sunnydale stamp resides on the corner of the envelope and the word FAFSA is printed below it. She sets the other envelopes down and goes about opening the one that will tell her if furthering her education is in her financial cards.

She pulls the letter out and for a moment freezes, unable to read what it says. Eventually though she unfolds the letter and her eyes go wide. Looking at the numbers on the page Buffy finds that she has more than enough to go back to school. Apparently her circumstances have qualified her for a hefty amount of cash in grants, which she does not have to pay back. A large grin crosses Buffy’s face. This money will cover tuition and all of her household expenses for the rest of her college career and she couldn’t be more ecstatic. She just has to get through the summer till the fall semester starts and while things will be tight she knows she can do it.

Buffy sets the letter down on the counter and thinks for a moment that maybe she can have the things that she thought for so long would never be a part of her life.

Chapter 6: Judgment

One week later:

Dawn has already left for school and Willow and Tara are in class by the time Buffy gets up. Over the last week Buffy’s been more careful on patrols. She hasn’t seen Spike, and hasn’t been to the Magic Box once, after a few days everyone stopped asking if she was coming. Dawn’s been starting to worry about her, and it hasn’t helped any that Buffy’s kept her distance from her sister to keep her from knowing that she’s pregnant. Now she runs her hand over her even larger stomach and sets to finding something to wear for the day. She knows that she won’t be able to hide her condition much longer, and although she doesn’t know exactly how far along she is because of the spell, she’s pretty sure that she’s far enough that she wouldn’t be able to end her pregnancy anymore; at least not in the traditional sense. Buffy knows that it wouldn’t be hard for her to get into a fight with some demon and… but none of that matters now because she’s made her decision and she’s going to keep it.

Buffy gets dressed throwing on form fitting clothes for the first time in a week and prepares to go to the Magic Box. Over the last week she’s run through every possibility she could come up with weighing the pros and cons and running through scenarios in her mind. In the end though none of that mattered in her decision, not really. In the end it came down to the fact that Buffy realized that even now she loves this child inside her and she knows that she’ll do anything to protect it; even if that means telling the truth of its conception to her friends.

Buffy takes a deep breath looking herself over in the mirror one last time before heading out. She’s glad that her jeans still fit, although she’s sure the fact that they’re hip huggers has something to do with that, and she’s actually pleased at the way her body looks in the long sleeved tight black shirt. She turns to the side to see the full roundness of her belly and thinks to herself that this is defiantly moving faster than normal, but that maybe that’s a good thing.

“Here we go,” Buffy says then walks out to head to the Magic Box.

--

That tingling itch to conjure up a cure for Buffy has been rippling beneath the skin of Willow’s fingertips. She stands in the restricted section of the Magic Box looking over the spines of the books they keep safely out of reach of the average customer. She’s felt responsible for her friend’s pain and has been desperately searching for a way to make it right. It’s her fault she was dragged out of heaven and forced to live in this world. Now Buffy’s been keeping secrets, seeing someone behind her back and Willow wonder’s what she’s done to her friend. They used to share everything, now Buffy is pregnant and hasn’t been able to say a word to any of them about it. All Willow knows is that there has to be something she can do to help. She has to make it right.

“Where is it?” The red witch mumbles to herself and finds her frustration growing.

As her eyes gloss over book by book she can’t find the title she searches for, finally she lets lose the energy that’s been capped beneath her fingernails. With a flick of her wrist and the murmur of a spell the book Willow is looking for pulls itself from the shelf. Her eyes dart to it and she lets out a trembling sigh. Her fingertips are still tingling with the burst of electric energy, and for a second that feeling of power scares her. The bell rings below and Willow turns to walk down the stairs leaving the book she went to find on the shelf.

--

All faces turn as the Slayer enters the Magic Box. She moves farther into the room after a moment stepping down the stairs of the entry way hesitantly then catches the eyes of her friends as they look on at her with awe.

“Buffy,” Xander says as he stands and takes a tentative step toward her. “You’re here.” Willow makes her way down the stairs from the loft then and moves closer to Buffy. Anya and Tara hold steady in their places Anya behind the counter and Tara sitting at the table.

“Does this mean you… do you know…” Willow babbles.

“I know what I’m going to do,” Buffy says.

“So what is it, do I get to be an uncle?” Xander asks with enthusiasm and Buffy nods.

“I’m going to keep it.” Bright smiles cover everyone’s face in the room. “Right now though I need to sit down, the walk here seems longer then it used to be.”

“Oh of course,” Willow all but squeals as she directs Buffy to a chair at the round table, as she sits down a moment of silence passes where she feels as though everyone is looking at her waiting for her to say something.

“So are you gonna tell us who the guy is?” Anya blurts out and Buffy takes a deep breath, she knew this was coming.

“Ayn,”

“What? I’m just asking what all of us were thinking, it’s not like she got this way on her own.”

“You don’t have to, I mean, unless you want to,” Willow babbles, “but if he’s not in the picture, or…”

“It’s okay Will,” Buffy says and the red head takes a breath. “I um… God, I…” Buffy’s voice catches in her throat with fear and she pauses for a moment to look at the faces of all her friends. She’s not sure if she’ll be able to get out what she’s trying to say. Buffy takes a deep breath. “Well, first you should all know that the baby has a heartbeat, it has a soul.” Looks of confusion cross everyone’s faces, “which of course you were all assuming because why wouldn’t it, but the thing is… we may need to do some research on mystical births.”

“Buffy, are you saying,” Willow begins then pauses and for whatever reason Buffy thinks that maybe she’s figured it out. She thinks that her next words will be asking if she’s been with Spike, Buffy cringes but at the same time feels relief. “Is this like…”

“Like the virgin Mary?” Tara finishes and Buffy frowns realizing that they’re nowhere near understanding like she thought.

“No… no… not at all really.”

“So there is a guy?” Anya asks and Buffy cringes. In that moment she thinks about the looks that will cross their faces when she tells them she’s been with Spike, the disappointment, the disgust; she thinks about lying, she could easily make up some guy… but she needs to know how a vampire can even have children. She has to tell them.

“Yeah,” Buffy admits, “It’s just that this… guy I was… with, he shouldn’t be able to have kids, do you get what I’m saying?”

“It might help if you actually said it,” Xander says.

“I get it,” Tara then says softly and Buffy’s eyes go wide as she looks at the white witch, “the father, he’s… he’s not human is he?” Tara asks and all Buffy can do is nod. “He’s a vampire?”

“Yes.” The word comes out soft and small.

“Oh God,” Xander says and Buffy braces herself, she knew this was coming. “You slept with Angel,” he then says and Buffy finds that she yet again has more explaining to do; although she thinks she really shouldn’t be surprised. It did seem like a more logical leap to think that the baby is Angel’s. “Okay, I can handle this,” Xander says taking a deep breath.

“It’s not Angel’s,” Buffy says and feels her stomach begin to twist. It flips as she sees Xander’s expression change.

“Oh, okay, that’s good… wait, what? If not then…” Buffy feels nauseous, she bursts up from the table and runs to the bathroom. After hearing the bathroom door slam shut the Scoobies sit in silence for a moment.

“Oh God,” Willow says as she realizes what Buffy has been trying to tell them. Tara just looks down at her fingernails having understood before any of them. She wonders if she was the only one to see how close Buffy and Spike had been getting lately.

“What?” Xander asks still completely in the dark.

“She’s been sleeping with Spike,” Anya says bluntly.

“She been whatting with who, no… no, no she wouldn’t, Spike… he’s…” Xander’s eyes meet Willow’s and he can see the truth of the matter in the surprise of her hazel eyes. Xander becomes quiet and slumps into his chair defeated. Then he hears the bathroom door swing open and he stands. Buffy walks out and finds herself face to face with a baffled and angry Xander. He opens his mouth to speak then shuts it again quickly and grinds his teeth.

“I just… I can’t handle this right now,” Xander says trying to keep the venom out of his voice then he turns from her, grabs his coat off the back of his chair and storms out of the Magic Box without looking back. Buffy feels water pooling in her eyes and she does all she can to keep from crying. After a beat of silence Willow stands and faces Buffy.

“Buffy, are you… I just… what were you thinking?” Her voice is drenched in disappointment. So much for support and un-judgmental-ness Buffy thinks. “Spike he’s…”

“I can’t, I have to go,” Buffy says cutting Willow off and running out of the Magic Box.

--

She hadn’t even realized she was headed toward his crypt until she found herself standing right before it. Its shadow in the harsh light of day is cast upon her. Their voices, Xander’s and Willow’s, still ring through her head. The disappointment, the disgust, it brings tears to her eyes and hurts the very core of her being. The Slayer pushes the door of Spike’s crypt open still attempting to push the thoughts of her friends aside. She sees him immediately when she enters and for a moment it’s as if the world stops moving just like it always does when he’s around; her own personal pain killer, her vampire drug. He looks at her astonished by her very presence and she knows that in his eyes she’ll never see disappointment, never see disgust. In his eyes she’ll only ever see love and that’s when she makes her way to him and crashes her lips against his. Almost violently she pulls him to her.

Spike takes no time responding as he wraps one arm around her and brings his other to tangle in her hair. He’s surprised to feel her belly pressing against him as he pulls her close. It’s even bigger now than before. He had been sure that she wouldn’t keep it. He’d been positive that she’d do whatever it took to get his child out of her. He’d been so sure about that assumption that he’d avoided her the last week afraid of what it’d do to him to see that she’d gotten rid of the thing within her. But she hadn’t.

“Buffy, you’re still,” Spike begins to say as he takes note of her belly.

“Just kiss me,” Buffy replies, and he does.

Chapter 7: Confrontations

Spike’s chilly hands grip Buffy’s bare hips as he holds her above him. Her right arm grips the wooden headboard of the four poster bed to steady herself as she moves up and down. Rising and falling and sinking into him. She can feel the pressure building within; her fingers dig deeper into the headboard causing the wood to splinter and she can feel all her thoughts evaporating in her mind as bliss floods through her. Spike’s fingers dig deeper into her sides as she comes crashing down upon him one last time leaving her shaking as she descends. Then she rolls off of him pulling the blanket up over her naked form and they both lie on their backs for a short while breathing deep. Buffy closes her eyes and lets out a moan of pleasure and Spike turns on his side to face her. The Slayer opens her eyes and finds Spike’s deep blue orbs staring at her, she turns to him and for a moment they simply bask in the sight of one another.

“You’re still…”

“Yep.”

“Are you…”

“I’m keeping it.” Spike nods and another moment of silence passes over them.

Buffy finds herself relieved that he isn’t demanding answers from her. He doesn’t ask why or how, he just nods. In that moment Buffy realizes how much she values Spike’s ability to try and be a rock for her. Granted, she knows she’s often pushed him, tried to get him to crack, but he never has. When it mattered he was always there, always knew what she needed.

“I want… God, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I want you to be in his life.”

“You’re serious?” Spike asks completely astonished.

“But one slip up Spike and that’s it… I’m only saying this… it’s only because I know… I know what it’s like to grow up without a father and I… I want what’s best for my baby, so if you being there is best then… then that’s what I want.”

When Buffy decided she wanted Spike to be involved she doesn’t know, maybe it’s the hormones or the post sex bliss talking, but as she speaks she knows she means it. Every day she finds herself loving this child more and she knows she wants to give him everything, even if it means hard times with her friends and trying to keep Spike in line.

“I don’t have it all worked out yet, but I hope you’ll be there while I figure it out… for the baby.” Spike nods again.

“An’ about us?” And that signals the end of cordial conversation. Buffy freezes and begins mentally searching for her clothes so that she can jump out of bed and take off running if need be.

“There is no us Spike, this… this is just…”

“Right,” Spike says a little offended but not willing to pick a fight about it. She’d already given him more then he deserves.

“This needs to end… I do want you around Spike but not like this… I should get going,” Buffy says as she scrambles out of bed and begins searching for her things.

Spike sighs and rolls over onto his back bringing his hands behind his head. This part he’s heard before. He thinks of just letting her go; after all she’d already told him that she wants him around, but he can’t help but feel rejected and insulted. Spike wonders then on what terms she wants to keep him around, certainly she wouldn’t admit to her friends what naughty little things she does behind closed doors. Spike stands, the anger is boiling in his blood, he hates the idea that he’s good enough to be in her life but not good enough for her, not good enough to tell her friends about, possibly not even good enough to tell their child the truth about who he is to him. He confronts her as she pulls her shirt over her head.

“So what I get to play uncle Spike while you’re friends toddle on with the idea that some wanker got a poke at you an’ we jus’ pretend like…”

“I told them.”

“What?” In seconds Spike’s face and presence change completely.

“I told them the baby’s yours.” All the anger seeps out of Spike’s bones and he finds himself completely speechless. He just stares at her as she leaves. She gives him one last glance then disappears up the ladder into the daylight.

Spike stands in the same speechless spot even minutes after Buffy’s gone. He thinks over what all this means. It scares him. To think that she wants him for something other than momentary pleasure, for something other than relief. Spike can’t quite wrap his head around the idea of being in her life because of something they created. Then his heart sinks thinking that she’s still insistent on there being no relationship between them, certainly not a physical one any longer, but could being in her life in other ways make up for that? Spike isn’t sure, one thing he does believe he knows however is that being in her life in other ways, non secretive affair kind of ways, could possibly lead to a physical relationship again in the future. A real relationship, the kind he’s only dreamed of having with her; and so it may be a long shot but Spike thinks he’ll give it a try. If nothing else he knows he wants to be a part of his child’s life, it’s a strange feeling for the vampire, but one he wouldn’t trade for anything.

--

She knew they’d be waiting for her when she got home. She’d expected it before she walked through the door. Buffy is just glad that her quickie with Spike was actually quick enough to allow her to get home before Dawn got home from school. She’d rather discuss this with her sister after hashing the rest of it out with her friends.

Buffy steps into the living room with her arms crossed. This morning she had been all Buffy when she went to talk to them, but now she needs her slayer strength to protect herself with. Buffy stands stone faced just past the French doors leading into the living room. Before her Willow and Tara sit on the couch and it’s obvious that they’d been talking about her before she came in. She’s surprised not to see Xander here as well, but she also knows that he’s not done voicing his opinion.

“I’m sure you both have more to say, so… let’s just get this over with.” Buffy’s voice is cool and collected.

“I’m sorry,” Willow says and Buffy softens a little upon hearing the apology. She hadn’t expected it. “I can’t say I approve, I mean Spike is… but that’s not the point.”

“The point is t-that we’re still here for you,” Tara adds and Buffy lets some of her defenses fall. She drops her arms out of their crossed position and moves to sit in the chair across from the sofa.

“Thank you,” Buffy says.

“So are you and Spike like… dating?” Willow asks and Buffy can tell from the way the red head’s brow creases and her lip curls down that she fears Buffy’s answer.

“Oh God no,” Buffy replies and Willow lets out a sigh of relief.

“So it was just like… like a fluke?” Willow guesses, “Like a clothes fluke cause I can totally understand that.” Buffy’s brow creases unsure of exactly what Willow is referring to, but she gets what she’s trying to say.

“Yeah I mean Spike is good looking, a-and he does love you… so I can see… you know why you might, you know… fluke,” Tara adds.

“Yeah, just a fluke,” Buffy agrees, and while she isn’t positive that that’s what it really was it seems like the best answer.

“Does he know?” Willow asks. “Do you think he’s gonna want to be involved?” The way she speaks makes Buffy think that she doubts that Spike would want anything to do with the baby and for a moment this makes her angry, but she quickly pushes the emotion away.

“Yeah, yeah he knows… and I told him that I want him to be involved, and I think he wants that too.”

“What are you gonna do if he ever gets the chip out?” Buffy lets out a deep sigh.

“I don’t know… but I guess I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it, I just… after how things were with my dad I can’t not at least try to let Spike be involved.” Willow and Tara simply nod. “So… I’m just gonna see how things go I guess, but we do need to do some research on this cause vampires having children, very not of the norm.”

“Yeah, we’re on it, and we might need to move fast… that revealing spell I did is making this all go faster.”

“Yeah I noticed… do you know how much faster?”

“I-I was looking at the words to the spell Willow did,” Tara says, “and also from looking at you I’d say that… probably three times faster.” The phrase three fold magic from Willow’s spell floats through Buffy’s thoughts and she knows it’s right. “D-do you know how far along you should be?”

“Um… I think a little over a month maybe.”

“So you’re probably a little over three then, maybe even closer to four which looks about right.”

“Should I look for something to slow it down, a reversal spell?” Willow suggests.

“No,” Buffy says. “It might be better having it go by faster with having to patrol and all, and I’m pretty sure it’s human… Spike says he can hear its heart beat, but I wanna be sure, don’t want any surprises you know, and it’d probably be good to know why this is even possible to begin with.”

“We’re on it,” Willow says. “Complete research mode, and we do still have like two months left so I think we’ll be fine.”

“You should also probably meet with a doctor,” Tara says, “get an ultrasound.” Buffy nods then looks down at her fingers for a moment.

“So… Xander’s pretty mad at me huh?” Buffy asks as she bites her lip.

“He’s just worried,” Willow says, “and he’s being a poop-head about it, he’ll come around.” Buffy smiles then takes a deep breath. “If it’s any consolation Anya is very happy for you.” Buffy smiles for a moment thinking of the things Anya could have said concerning her and Spike. If Xander wasn’t mad before listening to Anya’s opinion on the subject will certainly push him over the edge.

“Well, I’m gonna go lay down… don’t say anything to Dawn yet, I wanna tell her myself.”

“Of course,” Willow says as Buffy stands up and makes her way up the stairs.

Chapter 8: Restless

Buffy walks down the beach, the sun is descending on the horizon setting the ocean ablaze in fiery tones of red and orange. Pink clouds like cotton candy line the sky drifting slowly with the cool breeze and soft sand flows between the Slayer’s toes. Her red silk dress drifts in the wind as she moves along the shore toward the dock where a shadowed figure waits for her in the darkness beneath the boardwalk. She tries to make out the face of the man who waits for her, but the shadows are too dark, and he’s too far away. Then Buffy feels pressure around her fingers and she looks down at her hand.

She stops walking and kneels down to come face to face with the boy whose small hand rests in her own. It’s now that she realizes for the first time that her baby bump is gone. Buffy looks into the brilliant blue eyes of the dark haired boy and he smiles at her.

Buffy’s eyes open and her hands immediately move to her belly. She turns her head and sees the numbers 12:00 in red digits on her alarm clock. It’s midnight. Buffy realizes that she must have been more tired than she thought when she came home at two that afternoon. Talking to Dawn will have to wait until morning as she’s sure her sister is fast asleep. Buffy sits up in bed, images of the small boy from her dream fill her mind and the Slayer rubs her belly.

--

After a short spout of tossing and turning thinking over how Xander must still be upset with her and even Willow’s look of fear when she asked if she and Spike were dating has Buffy unable to fall back asleep. Talking with Willow and Tara earlier had calmed her nerves some, especially Willow’s apology, but their reaction and judgment to her being with Spike still weighs on her heart. Just having the truth out there is a huge weight off the Slayer’s shoulders but she still has a way to go before she’ll feel like things are okay with her friends again.

Now wrapped in the white afghan her grandmother gave her mom when she got married Buffy stands on the back porch and looks out into the cool night. Crickets chirp in the distance and the wind howls between the leaves of the maple in the backyard. It’s a peaceful night, a quiet night, and the calm of the world around her sets Buffy at ease. Then she feels the tingling at the back of her neck.

“Hello Spike,” Buffy says calmly and the vampire steps out of the shadows and into the light of the moon. His hands are thrust deep in the pockets of his duster and he looks on at Buffy with a bashful face, as if he were a small child with his hand caught in the cookie jar.

“’ello love,” Spike responds and looks up at her with a small grin and loving eyes. “I wasn’t sure you’d be up.” Buffy shrugs.

He looks at her inquisitively; this isn’t a moment where he plans to push his feeling on her, he doesn’t want to push anything on her. Right now things feel delicate to Spike, and although he knows he shouldn’t care, he realizes that the one thing he wants more then to shag the Slayer again is to be in her life with their child. It’s a rather confusing emotion for the vampire.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Well that makes two of us.” Buffy rolls her eyes knowing that this time of night would be like noon for a vampire. “You care for some company?” Buffy shrugs and Spike moves to stand beside her on the porch. It’s been a while since they’ve shared a moment of peace and quiet such as this, but Buffy finds herself just as comfortable in this moment as ever before, even after all they’ve been through recently. “You really told your friends ‘bout…” Us Spike wants to say, but he decides to avoid the word not wanting to ruin the Slayer’s good mood, “about… you know.”

“Yeah,” Buffy says in earnest.

“How’d that go?”

Buffy shrugs. “Could’ve been better… Xander’s not talking to me, but Willow and Tara are… supportive.” Spike nods and another wave of silence passes between them.

“And the kid sis?”

“I was gonna tell her tonight but I fell asleep. I’m telling her tomorrow… really don’t know how that’s gonna go, mom-speeches aren’t really my thing and now I have to give one about me being a mom and could I be any worse of a role model right now, and what if this segues into the sex talk and I… I just don’t know.”

Buffy takes a deep breath then sits down on the top step pulling the afghan tighter around her shoulders. After a moment Spike sits down beside her.

“If you want I could come by tomorrow, we could tell her together, the bit an’ I get off well.” Buffy looks at Spike and a moment passes where she thinks over his offer. Memories of Dawn’s fondness for Spike float through her head, memories of her sneaking over to his crypt, of her teenage crush, and memories of Spike putting his life on the line to save her.

“Yeah… I mean if you want to, that might be… nice.” Their eyes meet and for a moment they each catch the twinkle in one another’s eyes, then Buffy looks away. They sit in silence for a while both staring into the moonlit yard glad just to be in one another’s company. It’s been so long that they’d shared any quiet time together that Buffy has forgotten how often he’d meet her on these back steps just to sit and talk, to listen. It feels nice having him around without the pressure of an impending passionate affair. Then she feels it.

“Oh,” Buffy says as she feels a surprise kick from within her belly. She looks down at her stomach and places her hand atop it.

“What?” Spike asks with concern in his eyes. “Is something wrong?”

“No… no, it… he just kicked.” Their eyes meet and Buffy smiles. Then she feels it again. The tiny sensation fills her with joy. “Here,” Buffy says as she takes his hand and places it upon her belly. His large fingers palm her round stomach tentatively. She feels the baby kick and watches Spike’s face as he feels it too. He lights up, eyes growing wide and sparkling while his lip curls in wonder and Buffy can’t help but smile. So lost in awe Spike finds himself completely speechless. “Guess he’s just like his parent’s already.”

“You keep saying that.”

Buffy’s brow creases. “Saying what?” She asks confused.

“Him.” An image of the boy from Buffy’s dream floats through her mind.

“Oh… yeah, I guess I just think it’s a boy… I don’t know, I haven’t had an ultrasound or anything, but… it seems right.” Spike nods then removes his hand from her belly and sits back.

“A boy,” Spike says rolling around the thought of having a son in his mind. It feels good, really good.

--

The kitchen door bursts open at ten am with a blanket clad and smoking Spike rushing through it. He quickly slams the door then drops his blanket to the ground and looks up to see Buffy, Willow and Tara all staring at him. Buffy sits at the breakfast counter while the witches are at the sink doing dishes. Lucky for him the blinds have been drawn closed and he’ll be safe from the sun’s rays.

“Mornin’,” Spike says then notices as the witches glance at each other.

“You really need to find a less flammable time of day to take a walk,” Buffy says.

“Ha bloody ha… the bit up yet?” Buffy sighs.

“Not as of yet… I’ve been up since eight.”

“Ah well, that would be one of the joys of being a teenager, sleepin’ in till noon.” Buffy glances to the clock, 10:02.

“Ugh… I can’t wait till noon,” Buffy says as she stands and moves to the end of the staircase. “Dawn!” She yells at the top of her lungs. “Come down here I need to talk to you.” She makes her way back into the kitchen just in time to see Willow and Tara drying their hands.

“We’re gonna give you guys some time alone,” Tara says as she and Willow exit the kitchen. Buffy takes a few steps closer to Spike then she hears Dawn thudding down the stairs.

She turns around just in time to see the teen turn the corner into the kitchen. Her dark hair is a mess of tangles and she wears a large tee shirt and purple pajama pants. At first she looks at Buffy with tired and annoyed eyes, but then she notices something different about her sister. This being the first time she’s seen Buffy in anything form fitting in weeks Dawn’s mouth drops as she takes in the sight of the baby bump on Buffy’s midsection.

“Dawn, could you um… sit down, I… I mean, Spike and I have something we’d like to talk to you about.” Spike takes a step to stand behind Buffy, and Dawn still staring like a deer caught in headlights, moves over to the island and sits down.

“Buffy… what happened, you…”

“Dawn, the thing is… I… well,” Buffy babbles.

“The thing is nibblet your sis and I are going to have a baby,” Spike says ending his sentence with a bright grin on his face and Buffy finds herself glad to have him here.

“Oh My God!” Dawn leaps out of her chair and flings her arms around Buffy in a huge hug. “This is so great!” The girl gives out a squeal of excitement. “So this is why you’ve been all fashion-victim-y-sweats are my life this past week… Oh my God, this means I get to be an aunt, does everyone else know? Wait, of course they know, so… how come you waited so long to tell me, I mean Buffy, you’re huge.”

Buffy frowns and looks down at her belly. She knew it was noticeably bigger but she didn’t think she was huge just yet.

“Hey, I’m Not…” Never mind Buffy thinks, “I’ve only known for the past week, Willow did a spell that’s making it go by faster.”

“Oh… so does this mean that you guys are… you know, seeing each other?” Buffy freezes up and her words catch in her throat, she knows though that she can’t rely on Spike to jump in on this one. They seem to have come to a meeting of minds that they’d be in each other’s lives for the sake of their baby, but Buffy knows that Spike wants more, it’s just that she doesn’t… right?

“No,” She says and can feel Spike’s disappointment radiating off him from behind her, she refuses to turn back and see that disappointment across his face. “We’re not…” Buffy’s mood darkens for a moment. She realizes that she and Spike make pretty good friends when they’re not talking about themselves, but the second the conversation turns anywhere into the vicinity of relationship talk it’s like a huge distance comes between them.

“Buffy I know how babies are made, I took health.”

“I know, but…”

“Look here nibblet,” Spike says. “The thing of it is that… sometimes things happen between adults that aren’t exactly planned, your sis and I, we’re gonna try an’ do this thing proper… do it together, but we’re not… together.” Buffy turns to Spike and finds herself amazed at just how mature he’s being about the whole situation, it’s more than she ever expected. She stares at him with inquisitive eyes and offers a sincere smile. Then she looks to her sister and sees the excitement fade from her blue eyes some and her face falls just a bit.

“Oh,” Dawn says, “but you are gonna be around for the baby yeah?”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Chapter 9: Mending

Three days later:

Xander brings the plate of pancakes over to the kitchen table where Anya sits in her silky red pajamas organizing names on a print up of the table layout for the wedding. She doesn’t notice the pensive look on his face as he sits down beside her. Xander grabs one of the pancakes and pulls it on to his own plate, Anya looks up and he does and sees his thin lips and wrinkled brow.

“You have that look on your face, like you’re trying to figure out the Sunday Crossword puzzle,” Anya says.

“Huh?” Xander looks up, “Oh uh… sorry, I’m just…”

“Thinking about Buffy.”

“What, why would I…”

“Come on Xander, Buffy’s pregnant with undead spawn and you’re upset about it, for some reason I can’t quite understand.”

“You can’t understand why I’d be upset about Spike knocking her up?”

“Yeah yeah, with all the touching and the sex, and whatever… the point is you’re not upset about Buffy getting some much needed orgasms, you’re upset because you’re avoiding your best friend.”

“I’m not avoiding…”

“I believe by ignoring and refusing to talk to her that that’s the definition of avoiding. Xander, Buffy needs you. Soon she’ll be swelling up like a hot air balloon and suffering from back aches and puffy ankles. She needs her friends, you should forgive her.”

“It’s not that easy Ayn.”

“Yes, it is.”

--

Buffy opens the door to see Xander standing on the other side. She hasn’t spoken to him since he stormed out of the Magic Box last Friday and right now Buffy isn’t sure what to say to him. He stands before her with his hands shoved into his coat pockets and an uneasy expression. The last few days the Slayer has found herself exhausted, even though she hasn’t been doing much. Patrols have been cut down to a quick sweep and sleep has been a top priority. She hasn’t seen Spike since he came over to talk to Dawn with her and Buffy’s sure her continued denial of any sort of relationship between them is bothering him more then he lets on.

“Can we talk?” Xander asks and Buffy realizes that she hasn’t said a word since opening the door.

“Uh, yeah,” Buffy says and steps aside to let Xander in. He wanders into the living room as she closes the door but he does not sit down.

“I um… I don’t really know what to say here,” Xander says tuning to face her and Buffy crosses her arms and sets her eyes on the floor. “I can’t say I understand cause I don’t…” Xander shakes his head and Buffy can see that there’s more anger beneath the surface, to his credit however she can tell that he is trying to keep it from bubbling over. “You had sex with Spike… I can’t even…” Xander stops and takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to tell you how disappointed I am, how… disgusted…”

“Xander is there a point to this conversation other then beating me down?” Buffy’s words are harsh.

“Buffy, you’re my best friend I don’t want to feel this way, and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be angry with you… I should be trying to help, and I know that… look I don’t get it, but I don’t want to push you away, I want you to ride with me to the Magic Box after driving Dawn to school, and I want you to come to the Bronze with all of us on Saturday nights, I want to argue over the last jelly donut and… and I don’t want to fight.” Buffy nods and a little bit of the anxiety seeps away.

“I don’t want to fight either,” She says and meets his eyes.

“So let’s not fight… I can’t… I can’t understand, but I can be there for you, and I still wanna be uncle Xander, so could we just be best friends again?” Tears start to well in Buffy’s eyes and she jumps to Xander embracing him in a tight hug. He hugs her back with all his strength and they can both feel the love they have for one another. “Uh, still need to breath Buffy,” Xander breathes out and Buffy lets him go.

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright… what’s a few broken ribs among friends anyway,” Xander jokes and Buffy smiles. “Well I’ve got to get back to work, but I guess Will wants to have a big baby research Scoobie bash tonight so…”

“I’ll see you there,” Buffy says wiping tears from her eyes. Xander smiles at her one last time and gives her another quick hug before heading out the door.

--

Buffy waited until Dawn got home from school and had a frozen pizza in the oven before she left. Now as she walks toward the Magic Box Buffy wishes that she’d waited until Dawn had the pizza out of the oven before leaving and she prays that the teen doesn’t burn the house down.

Buffy walks through the glass door of the Magic Box and walks toward the round table where Willow, Xander and Tara sit. They greet her with smiles and Buffy is glad for the majority of the tension between them to have dissolved.

“Hey guys,” Buffy greets, “what’s the hub-bub on the research-y-ness?”

“So far we’ve got nada on anything evil,” Anya says.

“That’s because you’ve been reading bridal magazine again hun,” Xander says, “As for the rest of us though… well actually yeah, we’ve got nada on anything evil.”

“Well that’s good right,” Buffy says as she takes a seat at the table beside Xander.

“Well, yeah,” Willow says a little hesitantly, “except that we also still don’t know how you’re pregnant.”

“Right, I forgot about the whole this is impossible thing.”

“Are you sure that… Spike is the…” Xander says a little wistfully.

“Yes, trust me if there was another explanation I’d be diving into that… oh, ow,” Buffy says as she feels a kick.

“What?” Willow asks with her brow creased.

“Nothing, he just… kicked… or maybe punched, I’m thinking he’s got my right hook.” Buffy rubs her hands across her belly.

“Oh… can I?” Willow asks gesturing to touch her belly and Buffy nods. The red witch gets up from her chair and kneels beside Buffy. She places her hand on her belly and lights up when she feels the baby kick. “Wow… that’s so… wow.” Willow then moves back to her chair.

“S-so have you thought of any names yet?” Tara asks glancing up from her text for a moment. Buffy shrugs.

“Not so much… I was thinking Jack or Hayden… I like James too.”

“All boy names,” Anya comments.

“Ah, feeling like buying blue onesies?” Xander asks.

“Yeah, I mean… I just kinda think it’s a boy, but I’ll know for sure in a few days at my doctor’s appointment.”

“Uh guys,” Tara says. “I… I think I found something.” Willow leans over to peer at the book her lover reads. Buffy brings both her hands to her stomach as she fills with worry.

“What’s it say?”

“I… I’m not sure,” Tara says.

“It’s in… ancient Sumerian I think,” Willow says. “Buffy, it’s a prophecy.”

“It talks about a baby born of life and death, but I don’t know if I’m translating it right… I t-think we should send this to Giles.” Buffy feels her gut sink in her stomach, partly for the possibility of there being a prophecy about her baby but also partly for having to tell Giles. The thought of talking to him about any of this hasn’t even occurred to her. She’s still reeling from his sudden departure., and feeling like he’s left her hasn’t made her want to go to him for help or advice.

“Giles?”

“You haven’t told him yet have you?” Xander asks.

“Meh.” Buffy sinks further down into her seat as if to try and protect herself.

“T-this is important Buffy… it could explain everything, I think we should call him tonight.” Tara says.

“I’ll fax this over right away,” Willow says as she gets up from the table taking the book with her. Buffy just takes a deep breath and prepares herself for a long conversation.

--

“Well I must say I certainly wasn’t expecting this,” Giles says as Willow speaks to him on the phone, she’s gone into the back room to call Giles and break him in on the news to ease some of Buffy’s stress. Now after getting all the facts out to him she thinks she can even hear him cleaning his glasses on the other line.

“So, do you wanna talk to her?” Willow asks and then hears Giles take a deep breath.

“I… I don’t think I’m quite sure what to say to her at the moment; Willow, listen to me… mystical births are very strange things, often such circumstances alter the mother in such a way that she’s not entirely thinking rationally. If something is using Buffy to bring itself forth it could essentially brainwash her into doing whatever is necessary to protect the… well, baby, for lack of a better term.”

“We’re pretty sure the baby is human though, I mean it has a heartbeat and it doesn’t seem all demon-y or anything.”

“I’m just saying be careful Willow, I’m not positive that you can trust Buffy entirely in this time… until we know more just keep in mind that this could be anything,” Giles takes a deep breath. “I’ve just received your fax… Dear lord.”

“What?”

“I recognize the title of this prophecy… It’s called… The Children of the Dead… Tell Buffy I’ll call back in a few days once I’ve read over this passage you’ve sent me, and do please keep an eye on her.”

“Ok, I will… thanks Giles. I’ll let her know.”

Willow hangs up the phone. The Children of the Dead, Willow replays the phrase in her mind and it leaves her stomach feeling uneasy. She’s not entirely sure what to think of it, what does it mean? Certainly of the dead could refer to Spike being dead, or even the fact that Buffy was recently dead, but the thought that it could mean something more sinister does not escape her. What’s more puzzling however is the word children, plural, as in more than one; she’s glad to hear the word children and not something like “things” or “creatures” but could this mean that Buffy will have more than one baby? Would there be twins? Triplets? Willow just hopes that Giles is able to uncover the nature of these children soon. She wants so badly to believe that this will turn out well, but the thought that this child could be evil still remains.

Chapter 10: Distracted

Buffy twirls her stake with anxious fingers as she walks through the graveyard. Having a prophecy revolving around her baby is making her twice as nervous as before, but then again the Slayer thinks that she really shouldn’t be surprised. Prophecy girl, thy name is Buffy after all. One thing the Slayer has to be glad for however is that the Hellmouth seems to be in it’s off season as she hasn’t seen a lot of activity recently, which is good because every day she feels more tired than the last. Now as she sails among the headstones she’s so unconcerned by the lack of recent activity that she allows her brain to focus entirely on her fears for her baby. Overall, the Slayer is immensely distracted.

“So baby, guess you take after me in more ways than one,” Buffy says as she rubs her belly. “Already have your own prophecy.”

“Well well, what do we have here,” a voice calls and Buffy looks up to see a vampire step out from behind a tree to stand before her. She’d been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn’t even been trying to feel for vampires.

“The Slayer is pregnant, now that’s rich,” another voice calls and Buffy turns to see a second and third vamp off to her side.

“See Mack, I told you it was true.”

“Now if you boys are here for the baby shower you’re a little early,” Buffy quips as she raises her stake. The three vamps around her however just laugh.

“You know what this means right Mack?”

“Two for one special?” The vamp asks licking his lips. Then before he can say another word his head flies back from a heavy punch from Buffy. The vamp stumbles back but quickly regains his balance. “Bitch,” he grumbles then charges Buffy, she dodges him easily, but as she turns to throw a kick at vamp number two she finds her belly a little restraining to her movements. Buffy stumbles and the second vamp gets a hit in.

Buffy reaches to touch her jaw feeling the pricking pain rip through her face. All three vamps move in on her now and Buffy swings out. She hits one in the face and kicks another in the groin, then finds herself winded faster than usual, the third grabs her by the arm and then a second is back to his feet and grabs her other arm. Thrashing about Buffy finds that her skill is seriously hampered by her pregnancy. The extra weight, swollen ankles, sore muscles, all of it adds up to a Slayer who’s able to be restrained by three vamps who normally wouldn’t be a problem for her to take out. More than that though, she feels weaker than usual, as if the baby is pulling at her energy.

They hold her tight taking no chances while the leader of their little group steps toward her and leers down at her. His dark hair hangs in his face and he glares at her with yellow eyes and smiles with equally yellowed teeth.

“So tell me one thing Slayer, what do you think the kid’s father’s gonna say when he finds you beaten and broken and drained of life?”

Buffy’s heart catches in her throat. For a moment she actually pictures Spike’s face, heartbroken, angry and vengeful. Buffy starts thinking of ways to escape their grasp, but at this moment she truly finds herself frightened for herself and her child. There’s nowhere to turn, nothing she can do. Then as her heartbeat speeds up and her breath quickens the vamp before her suddenly disappears into a cloud of dust.

“I think the kid’s father’ll say that you shouldn’t’ve messed with his mum,” Spike says and the two vamps holding Buffy in place instantly loosen their grasps, Buffy uses this opportunity to knock both of them to the ground.

Spike leans down and grabs one of the vamps by the collar while the other scurries to his feet and takes off.

“So, word’s out that the Slayer’s got a bun in the oven, eh? We’ll here’s a new bit of gossip for you to spread, I’m the father and if anyone hurts my kid I’ll burn this sodding town to the ground, got it?”

The vamp nods and when Spike lets go of him he runs off. A beat of silence passes by as they watch the vampire disappear then Buffy turns to Spike.

“I had it under control, I didn’t need you to rescue me,” She says then storms off. In truth she’s grateful for Spike’s intervening, what upsets her is that she’s feeling so under the weather, so tired, and weakened that she needed his help.

“Oh, is that so?” Spike asks as he follows behind and catches up to her. “Looked to me like I was saving your life, our baby’s life,” Buffy stops; she crosses her arms and turns to face Spike. “At very least I saved you from getting right roughed up, what’re you doing patrolling anyway?”

“Who else is gonna do it?”

“Your pals managed all summer, think they’d give you maternity leave or what have you.”

“I’m fine… I was just a little… distracted.”

“That’s exactly the point, you know as well as I do that that’s all it takes.”

“Yeah well, with your little warning there I’ll be lucky to see any more vamps for the rest of the month.”

“Good,” Spike replies and Buffy huffs and rolls her eyes then walks off, Spike follows and for a short time they walk side by side. Eventually Spike lets out an unneeded breath. “Sorry,” he says, “’m just… I don’t know, anxious about all this.” Buffy lets out a breath.

“It’s okay… I get it… I’m anxious too… it’s why I was distracted actually.”

“How so?”

“As it turns out our little bundle of joy has a prophecy of his very own already… it’s got me on edge, I had a nightmare the other night that during my ultrasound I found out the baby has three heads and a pig tail.” Spike snorts but when he sees Buffy’s face again he can tell that she doesn’t find it funny at all, she’s seriously worried.

“I don’ think you need to be worryin ‘bout extra heads love, not unless you’ve been making it with a balcarov demon behind my back.”

“I know that, but… it’s just the thought that something could be wrong, I just really hope they get this prophecy translated soon so I know what I’m up against… but anyway I should get going, doctors appointment at ten.” Spike nods and Buffy starts to walk off.

“Slayer,” Spike calls and she stops then turns to him. “If you want to take some time off patrolling I’ve got your back.” Buffy nods in understanding then vanishes from sight.

--

With each step the man’s face beneath the boardwalk becomes a little clearer. Buffy squeezes the blue-eyed boy’s hand reassuringly and continues to make her way through the sand. The sunset over the ocean slowly lowers beneath the horizon of waves and slowly the world around her fills with the blues and purples that replace the fleeting oranges and yellows of the sun. She can start to make out his face now, his high cheek bones and pale skin. His frame is lean but muscular and his hair is lighter then the sand.

Spike smiles at her as she nears, his hands loosely resting within the pockets of his duster. She smiles back and then notices as he looks to the boy who walks beside her. Buffy looks down at the small child for a moment and he looks up at her with round blue eyes and a sweet smile. Then Buffy looks back to the vampire on the beach.

“Spike,” Buffy says.

“That’s not your baby,” Spike says and Buffy’s face falls.

She doesn’t understand. She looks down to the boy once again, but this time when she looks back up Spike isn’t the only face to be seen. There is another in the background. A taller man with broad shoulders who leans against one of the boardwalk’s structural pillars, the water splashes up against his feet and then he looks at her; his dark brown eyes meeting hers.

Buffy wakes up with a startled gasp. That’s not your baby, Spike’s words ring through Buffy’s mind. Could this have been a Slayer dream and if so what did it mean? Buffy sighs then looks to her alarm clock, its 9 am. She gets out of bed slowly, feeling more fatigued today than usual, but she pushes through her uneasiness and readies herself for her doctor’s appointment trying not to worry anymore then she’s been doing so already.

--

The waiting room is bright and her chair is uncomfortable. Buffy glances at the stack of magazines that sit upon the end table to her left, but she doesn’t want to read. She doesn’t want to even look at the pictures, she just wants to get this over with… and maybe eat something. The Slayer’s stomach growls and Buffy wishes that she’d eaten that second helping of pancakes that Tara had offered. These days it seems that even after she’s full she still feels hungry. She also wishes that someone could be here with her, but the girls had school, and Xander had to work, and so did Anya, not that being here with Anya would’ve made her feel a whole lot better, but at least she wouldn’t be alone.

Buffy looks around the hospital waiting room and tries to focus her attention on the abstract artwork painted in pastels on the wall or at the other women waiting for their appointments. One blonde woman sits across from Buffy appearing to be close to a full nine months has her hand wrapped up tightly in her husband’s. They look so content, so perfect, so happy, so normal. Buffy thinks that they probably have a nice size house somewhere with a dog and white picket fence, and now they’re working on having those two point five kids and living the American dream. Buffy frowns knowing that that will never be her life. No she’ll be a single mom raising her half demon child and fighting the armies of darkness beside the vampire who… who’s walking into the waiting room.

Buffy stands as she sees Spike make his way down the hallway and into the waiting room. The vampire seems a lot paler then usual under the fluorescent lights.

“Spike, what are you doing here?” Buffy asks.

“You have a doctor’s appointment.”

“Yeah I know… that’s why I’m here… what are you doing here?”

“You said you wanted me to be around for the baby so I figure this is one of those things I should be around for; sides thought you might need someone to lean on if this thing does turn out to have three heads.”

“Buffy Summers,” a nurse calls and Buffy looks up to see that it’s time for her appointment to start. She glares at Spike then walks toward the office. He follows.

--

“Dr. Turner will be in in a minute,” the nurse says and leaves Buffy and Spike alone in the office. Once the door clicks shut Buffy turns to Spike.

“You don’t have to be here,” Buffy says.

“Yeah, well… I am.” Buffy is silent for a moment. She’s really not sure why she’s upset, she had after all just recently been thinking that she wished she wasn’t here alone. She’s just not sure where the line rests dividing what she wants Spike to be in her life for from what she wants to avoid having with him. Then the door opens, successfully silencing Buffy’s thoughts as a man with graying hair and a stocky build walks in. He smiles then looks down at his clipboard.

“Mrs. and Mr.… Summers… I’m Dr. Turner, how are you?”

“Oh, it’s just… Miss Summers, call me Buffy, and this is Spi… William,” Buffy says and Spike’s ears perk up at hearing his given name.

“I apologize, I suppose I’m just a little bit… old fashioned, I didn’t mean to assume, so William, you are the…”

“He’s the father,” Buffy says.

“Good good,” Dr Turner says as he looks over the paperwork on his clipboard once more then sits down in a rolling chair across from her and Spike.

“Now I see… Buffy, that you haven’t had any prenatal care up to this date, is that correct?”

“Um yeah.”

“Okay, well I’m gonna have to get some history before we get started and then we’ll move on to an ultrasound and get you a picture of your baby.”

--

Twenty nine weeks, that’s how long Buffy, Willow and Tara decided that Buffy was along the night before, or at least how far along she appeared to be. Buffy sat for nearly a half hour going over family history and other various facts that could affect her pregnancy. Now Buffy lies on her back with her shirt pulled up as cold jelly is spread across her belly. Spike stands beside her as the doctor pulls forth the scanner of the ultrasound machine. She notices that Spike seems truly interested in everything that’s going on. Then the scanner touches her skin and an image can be seen on the fuzzy black monitor. Both Buffy and Spike’s faces light up with awe.

“Good good,” Dr. Turner says, “Everything is looking great.”

He moves the scanner across her belly and Buffy can see more clearly the outline of her baby. Her whole body fills with emotion and for a moment the Slayer thinks she may cry. It’s so beautiful, so perfect, and somewhere in the back of her mind Buffy takes notes that the baby only has one head for which she’s glad.

“Would you like to know the sex of the baby?” Buffy’s eyelashes flutter and she looks away from the monitor to stare at Dr. Turner. Images of the boy from her dream float back into her mind and then she thinks of dream Spike’s words, that’s not your baby.

“Yes,” Buffy says a little fearful to hear that her baby is a boy as she’s thought so far.

“Well it looks like you’re carrying a healthy baby girl.”

A girl, not a boy. This turns everything upside down. Buffy’s dream no longer haunts her although she now wonders who the boy was who walked beside her. Healthy he said, a healthy baby girl, human girl with a heartbeat and a soul. In just those few short words Buffy finds herself almost completely calmed. She looks to Spike and sees a look on his face that she’s never seen before. His face is a mix of awe, and wonder, appreciation, and love.

Chapter 11: Developments

Buffy lies in bed. She dreamed about the baby again last night, different then the dreams she’d been having. This dream was not a possible foretelling forecast symbolized through the crashing waves of the ocean, this was just a dream. Buffy remembers holding her baby in her dream, such a tiny thing all wrapped up in a pink blanket to keep her safe and warm. After her ultrasound, after hearing that the baby would be a girl, and seeing her image upon that black and white screen the reality of what’s to come has truly hit her. She wonders if she’ll have her green eyes or Spike’s blue ones. If she’ll have curly hair like Spike, and if she’d rather it be straight just like Spike seems to as he’s always slicking his back. Will she like sports or art, or both? Will she be as independent as her mother, or as stubborn? Will she have Spike’s deep cheekbones, or her own pouty lips?

So many scenarios run through the Slayer’s mind, so many different thoughts about who her daughter will turn out to be. One thing that Buffy knows for certain however is that she’ll be proud of her, whoever she becomes.

Buffy thinks then that she should get out of bed and get a start on the day. There are so many things that need to be done, books to read to try and figure out this prophecy, and more importantly things to get in order for when the baby comes. Buffy frowns realizing that she hasn’t bought a single thing for the baby. There’s so much she needs, books and toys, clothes and diapers, she doesn’t even have a crib; but she just feels too tired to get moving on any of it. She feels too weak, and maybe even a little sick. Buffy rolls over on to her side letting the phrase just five more minuets runs through her mind, but she wonders if five minutes will turn into a whole day with how exhausted and drained she feels. Then her stomach twists violently.

--

Willow wakes up to the sun shining behind the blinds warming the room in an amber glow. She turns over in bed to see that she’s alone, but as her sleep fades away completely she can hear Tara humming in the kitchen as she cooks. Willow smiles and gets out of bed stretching her arms above her head. She flicks her wrist and opens the blinds with a burst of magic letting the warm sun brighten the room then wraps her robe around her and makes her way into the hall.

As she walks past the bathroom Buffy rushes before her and maneuvers her way through the bathroom door slamming it with more force then she intended. Willow frowns, she thought Buffy was past the puking her guts out stage but she guesses that she was wrong. For a second the tingling of magic that still rests in her fingertips from opening the blinds gives Willow the idea that maybe she should do a spell, something to make the morning sickness go over a little easier for the Slayer, but she shakes the idea away.

Willow makes her way into the kitchen and sees a stack of waffles and bacon sitting on the counter of which Dawn is quickly depleting. The red witch sits down next to the teen just as Tara makes her way from the fridge to the island with a bottle of maple syrup in her hand.

“Good morning,” Willow says and Tara gives her a peck on the lips as she sits down beside her.

“Morning,” Dawn mumbles through a mouth stuffed with bacon.

“Is Buffy alright?” Tara asks cutting into her waffle.

“Morning sickness,” Willow replies then grabs a plate for herself and begins filling it with food, beside her Dawn is drowning her waffles in syrup. Then just as she grabs her fork and is about to dig in the phone rings and Willow sets her fork down, but before she has a chance to stand Tara gets up and answers it.

“Hello,” Tara says. “Oh… um yeah, I’ll get her… Willow, it’s for you.”

--

Xander sits at the counter in the Magic Box while Anya goes over her ideas for the wedding. His head rests in his palm and he’s only half paying attention as she drones on about seating arrangements and color schemes. Part of his brain is wishing he’d taken Jose’s Saturday shift like he’d asked, but no, Anya needed him today. As Xander listens to her speak however he isn’t quite sure what she needs him for.

“So, we defiantly need to push it back until after Buffy has the baby because I can’t have a fat bridesmaid, but what do you think about the dresses. Should I go with the green or lavender?”

“Wha… oh, um… green?” Xander blinks trying to pull himself back to reality.

“Yeah, I was thinking that too, so what about…” The phone rings and Xander jumps out of his seat as if he had just been zapped with a cattle prod. He rushes to the phone without even looking back to his fiancé.

“Got it,” he says a little too enthusiastically as he picks up the receiver. “Magic Box… oh hi Willow… what… Yeah… yeah okay, we’ll be right over.”

--

Dawn rushes down the stairs. She’s just checked on her sister who’s currently reeling from the worst morning sickness she’s yet to experience. Dawn had barely gotten two words in to the Slayer before she was sent away; but the glimpse of Buffy that she got made Dawn worry as she appeared very sick sitting on the ground, leaning against the tub as the toilet seat sat open, her eyes dark with bluish circles setting in beneath them and her skin seeming almost translucent. As Dawn walks into the living room with a shrug she sees that Xander and Anya have just arrived and Willow has everyone gathered in the living room. Dawn takes a deep breath and sits down next to Tara.

“I don’t think she’s coming down anytime soon,” Dawn says and Willow frowns.

“We’re just gonna have to discuss this without her then,” Willow says from her position on the sofa and pulls up the letter Giles sent her on her laptop.

“So, what’s up Will… we got some big bad baby news?” Xander asks as he leans forward resting his forearms on his knees and folding his hands.

“Giles translated the prophecy,” Willow says and all eyes open wide as they stare at her. “He told me a little about it over the phone but I wanted to get everyone together before I read it.”

“It’s not evil is it?” Dawn asks fearful. “I mean, Buffy doesn’t think its evil, or well she… she’s not evil, and the ultrasound picture is so cute and…”

“Dawn, hunny, it’s okay,” Tara says rubbing Dawn’s back to calm her.

“The baby’s not evil,” Willow says and Dawn lets out a sigh of relief.

“I feel a ‘but’ coming on…” Xander says.

“But, there’s defiantly some big mojo about it… her.”

“Guess Buffy was wrong about it being a boy,” Anya says. “I’m a little disappointed, I was thinking about planning her a shower and there were these really cute…”

“Ayn,”

“Right… off topic, sorry.”

“I think it’ll be easiest for everyone to understand if I just read it to you,” Willow says. “So… here it goes… The Children of the dead, there shall be two… um blah blah, time, space, impossible, okay… both shall be born from death, and delivered through death, into the world of light. And Giles has a note here that…” Willow’s voice trails off leaving behind a deathly silence.

“What?” Dawn asks.

“That… he thinks this means that for the baby to be born that Buffy will have to die,” Willow pauses for a moment then looks back at her screen. She doesn’t know what to say or even how to feel. They just got her back, could they lose her again? Does she even want to stay?

“He could be wrong though,” Willow says softly and everyone is silent for a moment.

“Go on Wills, what else do we have to worry about?”

“Okay, um… Two champions, mates, shall be the bringers of the light in the era of great darkness and defeat the evil power… Sahjhan and his lord Ra-ga-nu-shahead… yeah.”

“So there’s supposed to be two champions?” Tara asks.

“But Buffy’s just having one baby,” Dawn says.

“Guess there’s someone else out there expecting a part demon-y bundle of joy,” Xander says and Willow squints as she reads the next line.

“The four, two parents for each child, shall create this life through death. Two unions of dark and light, of the souled and soulless…” Willow stops reading as a crash is heard upstairs, it’s a loud, destructive noise that makes the witch’s eye go wide and puts everyone on edge. “What was that?” She asks then sets her laptop down and stands, Xander follows her as she makes her way to the stairs.

“Buffy,” Willow calls as she takes the steps one at a time, but there’s no response.

Her pace picks up and she makes it to the hallway. Buffy’s bedroom door is open and the lights are off, the bathroom door however is closed and Willow can see the light from under the door. Willow rushes to the bathroom door and twists the knob, she swings the door open and sees that the cabinet that sits above the toilet has been pulled from the wall and crashed to the ground. Its contents lie scattered around Buffy who sits on the ground with her back against the tub; and Willow hurries to her side kneeling down beside her. She looks terrible, sickly almost as if she were on her deathbed with sweat gleaming from her brow and dry chapped lips. It’s a sudden change in appearance for a woman who only days earlier was glowing.

“Buffy, Buffy are you okay,” Willow asks. She turns back to glance at Xander who looks on with just as much worry as she.

“I… I just got so dizzy and…” The Slayer’s eyes roll back.

“Buffster, you still with us?” Xander asks and Buffy responds with a hazy moan.

“She doesn’t look good,” Willow says reaching a hand to her forehead feeling how clammy it is. “We should get her out of here.” Willow steps aside and Xander moves to pick Buffy up, he carries her out of the bathroom and starts to take her into her bedroom. “No, let’s take her downstairs, I’m worried, I wanna keep an eye on her.” Xander nods and moves down the stairs with Buffy in his arms. “What happened, she seems like she got sick so suddenly.”

“She said she’s been feeling more and more tired lately,” Dawn says, “but I thought it was just, well, you know… baby stuff.”

“Don’t worry Dawnie,” Tara says, “we’ll figure this out.”

Chapter 12: Burning

Footsteps, murmuring, still half asleep Spike is starting to wake to the noise of an intruder in his crypt. Someone’s close and… Spike’s eyes snap open and his hand grabs the wrist which holds a stake near his heart ready to plunge through his flesh and turn him to dust. The vampire who holds said stake looks on stunned, for whatever reason he thought he was stealthy enough to kill a master vampire in his sleep. He tries to back up but Spike is stronger, quicker. The blond vamp pulls the stake from the younger vamp’s hand and drives it through his chest. He turns to dust before his expression is even able to change from startled to scared. When Spike looks up he sees three more vampires waiting with weapons around his bed. Two have stakes, and one a torch.

“Thanks for the wakeup call mate, but you really shouldn’t’ve,” Spike says as he sits up in bed and pulls a cigarette out of the pack on his nightstand. He reaches for his lighter as he stares down the three before him.

“Not a wakeup call Spike, we’re here to kill you,” The one in the middle with the caveman brow says.

“That so?” Spike lights his cigarette and slides to the end of the bed reaching for his jeans.

“That child is an abomination,” the one with the torch says and Spike’s face jerks to glare at him as he pulls his jeans over his hips.

“Stay away from my kid…”

“Or you’ll kill us right?” The middle one, obviously their leader says. “That’s why we’re here.”

“Gotta take you out before…”

“Before what?” Spike yells, “before you go after Buffy.” All three vamps ignore his question, instead they charge at him.

--

Spike runs toward Buffy’s house. He left his crypt in a blaze of fire. After taking out Larry and Mo, Curly set his bed on fire with his torch and Spike nearly went up in flames himself escaping. Luckily he was able to grab a shirt and his duster as well as slip on his Doc Martins, the laces of which still remain untied, before racing out into the night. Now he runs faster than when he ran from that mob in Prague, faster than when he stormed up Glory’s tower, faster than ever before. They’re after her and they’re on their way to her now. Spike’s never felt this kind of fear before. With every step he takes he knows it might already be too late.

He dashes through yards and jumps fences running without thought. Then before he knows it he’s pushing his way through the bushes into Buffy’s yard. He’s fearful for what he might find, but so far the house is still intact, still quiet, and unassuming. Looking around and sensing for others of his kind Spike finds that the backyard is free of intruders for the moment. Spike makes his way up the back porch steps and through the kitchen door.

The blonde vamp storms through the kitchen and entranceway with a rush of adrenaline that seems to surge through his dead veins on its own accord. He’s ready to jump over the Slayer to protect her from any possible harm, ready to fight, ready to die if need be.

Then he stops. Spike blinks as the sight before him takes him back. Buffy lies on the couch pale and fatigued; Willow holds a wet towel to her head and Xander stands with a book in his hand pacing. Something’s happened and they all look worried. Spike then notices that the whole gang is here, Dawn, Anya and Tara sit around the room all in research mode.

“What’s wrong?” Spike asks completely forgetting the reason why he came here in the first place, he’s now worried for an all new reason. All faces turn to notice his presence for the first time.

“Buffy’s sick,” Willow says. “She can’t keep anything down.”

“W-we think… she’s not absorbing the nutrients from anything she eats… it’s like her body is rejecting it,” Tara says and Spike takes a step further into the room.

He runs his fingers through his hair trying to keep his composure, but his mind is racing with worry. Buffy meets his eyes. Her green orbs staring at him through sunken sockets. For a moment Spike looks at her and sees someone else, he sees a sick and dying Drusilla, starved and frail. He thinks then that he can’t lose her, and in that moment he realizes how real a possibility it is for that to happen.

“She keeps saying she’s hungry, but then she can’t eat anything,” Dawn says. Spike can tell by the tremble in her voice that she’s truly scared.

“We need to figure something out soon,” Willow says.

“The baby isn’t getting what it needs,” Buffy says speaking for the first time in a tiny soft voice. Her hands lay protectively over her belly.

Then something clicks in Spike's head, the baby, his baby, a half vampire baby. She looks as frail as Dru. From the very beginning Spike has been thinking of his baby as human, human and good like its mother, human with a heartbeat, but he’s still the father and he’s a vampire.

“Maybe you’re not feedin’ her the right thing,” Spike says.

“We’ve tried giving her everything,” Xander says.

“Maybe you should give ‘er what I eat.”

“I really don’t think wheety bits and a blooming onion are gonna… oh… you meant… oh.” Xander pales as he finally understands what Spike is saying.

“Blood you nit… the kids mine so…” All eyes look to Spike as they wonder why it hadn’t been obvious to them before.

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” Willow says and her eyes get a faraway look as she thinks over the possibilities.

“Ew,” Dawn adds and Xander gets a look across his face like he’s about to object as well, but at that very moment a brick comes flying through the window. Shards of glass rain down looking like sparkling specks of glitter. Their razor sharp shards narrowly miss Buffy.

“Oh bugger,” Spike says.

“What was that?” Xander yells as he steps up to peer out the window.

“The reason I came ‘ere,” Spike replies. “They want to kill the baby.”

The Scoobies look out the window to see a mob of vampires standing in the street; many holding torches, the flames of which light up the demons in their vampire masks. There has to be near twenty of them and they’re all ready for a fight, however they all also look fairly young and Spike knows that when getting a mob together the younger and more stupid vampires you find the larger your mob gets, but also the less experienced they are.

“Send the Slayer out or we’ll burn the block to the ground!” A voice yells from outside.

“Dawn, take Buffy upstairs,” Willow says and Dawn moves quickly brining an arm around her sister.

Tara is already chanting up a protection spell and Xander is pulling out a sword from the weapons chest. He tosses an axe to Spike. He catches it then walks to the door. As he opens it he sees Anya loading a cross bow and Xander making his way toward him. With no more than a nod Spike heads out to face the crowd, Xander follows, and soon so does everyone else. They’ve all gathered together to protect her, they did so without being asked, without a single word being said. Even being outnumbered not a one questions putting their life on the line, not even Anya, and as they walk out the door to fight for their Slayer they feel confident and in control, like each and every one of them has something to fight for.

--

Dawn stares out Buffy’s bedroom window at the fight that rages in the street below. She watches as Spike takes out two vamps in one swift swing of his axe. She can even hear him yell as he storms deeper into the fight. Dawn sees Xander stumble back after taking out another vamp then kick his way out of an ambush. Anya is on the porch shooting as many vampires as she can with the crossbow, wounding some killing others, but mostly aiming for those in Xander’s vicinity, which is good, Dawn thinks. He needs the help the most as Spike seems to be taking out more vampires then any of them and Willow and Tara have each other’s backs as they use their magic to strike down the intruders. One thing she does notice is that the vampires seem to be less experienced then she would expect and so even the Scoobies limited skills seem to suffice.

Buffy sits at the edge of the bed feeling too weak to look on with her sister. “Dawn, you should get away from the window,” she says.

Dawn turns around to face her and sits beside her on the bed.

“How’s it look out there?” Buffy asks.

“We’re winning, and Spike looks really mad so that’s good for us… Buffy, are you really gonna drink blood?” Dawn makes a disgusted face as she waits for Buffy to respond.

“If it’ll make me better,” she says softly and Dawn nods.

“Are you… are you going to die again?”

Buffy turns to face Dawn and she brings a hand up to stroke her hair. She knows her little sister needs comfort and tries to look confident and sure of herself to sooth the younger girl’s worries.

The Slayer thinks about her question seriously. While they had been researching Buffy’s sudden mysterious illness they told her about what Giles discovered of the prophecy. Her first reaction was relief that her baby is good, but her second was fear that she may not live to see her child live and grow; may not live to see if she has blue eyes or green, or if she’ll be a cheerleader or a jock. That thought made her stomach churn, it bothered her more than anything, and along with that Buffy realized that somewhere along the way she no longer wanted to die.

Buffy wants to live, has things to live for, and she’s going to fight to keep what she has. Life has its hardships, but Buffy also knows that it has its rewards as well, and while the pain of being pulled from heaven still haunts her it’s overshadowed by a new vivaciousness. She’s starting to see everything in a new light, she sees a future that’s warm and inviting and she wants to be around for it. She wants to fight to keep it, and she will. She’ll fight for her baby, for her friends, for her sister, she’ll fight for her life.

“I don’t want to go anywhere Dawn, not ever again,” Buffy says and pulls Dawn close to her comforting her with a hug.

--

In the front yard the gang fights the young vampires that have formed a mob against them and it’s here that Willow feels it. She imagines Tara feels it as well, maybe they all do; but Willow recognizes it for what it is, a powerful dark energy. She sends a zapping ray of magic out at a vampire before her effectively dusting it and she can feel the dark energy buzzing beneath her fingertips.

There are more forces at work here than just the Scoobies versus vampires. Heaven and hell have their hands in this one as well. There’s an energy that buzzes around them, trying to get inside them, a dark powerful force that wants it’s say in the situation. She realizes- knows without knowing that there are things out there that want this child. Want to kill it, want to keep it, and that they’re going to keep coming. She zaps another vampire to dust and feels the dark energy surge through her. She feels the power and for a second her eyes gloss over black. It wants inside her, wants to use her.

“Willow!” Tara calls and Willow turns to see her. The pull of the dark power is gone as her lover’s voice knocks her out of the trance she was in. She also notices all the vamps that were in the yard are dust and she follows the rest of the Scoobies back inside.

Chapter 13: Waiting

Buffy stares down at the disgusting, red liquid in the coffee mug with a disturbed expression. What’s more disturbing however is that it doesn’t smell disgusting, actually it smells really good. Instinctually she knows that this is what her body needs. She finds herself salivating at the smell of it. Her brow creases and her lip curves down, then Buffy thinks what the hell and brings the mug to her lips and drinks deep. The Scoobies all stand around her looking on with disturbing fascination. Xander holds a cold compress to his head and Anya sits in his lap, Willow and Tara sit on the far end of the couch, Dawn is sitting cross-legged in the other chair and Spike hover’s between the French doors.

Buffy gulps and pulls the cup away from her lips. Everyone looks on waiting for her to say something.

“Well?” Xander probes.

“I think it’s helping,” Buffy replies and a sigh of relief can be heard through the room; relief that Buffy will soon be getting better, but it’s quickly followed by fear for what this could mean.

“I’ll go heat you up some more,” Spike says and walks out.

“So what does this mean?” Anya asks.

“I don’t know,” Tara admits, “but we know from the prophecy that the baby isn’t evil so… does it really matter?”

“I’m less concerned about the blood part and more worried about the whole Buffy has to die for the baby to be born part,” Xander says just as Spike re-enters the room with another mug of blood for the Slayer.

“I agree with the whelp,” Spike says handing the mug to Buffy.

“Guys we don’t even know if that’s what it really means,” Buffy says then takes another sip of blood. “Born through death might not mean anything more than the fact that Spike’s the father and he’s technically dead, or that hey I was too just a few months ago… We’ve got about a month and a half yet to figure this out so let’s just take it one step at a time… First, I wanna know why there was a group of vamps storming my house tonight, second Will, we need to figure out who this other child is that’s mentioned in this prophecy, and third… well okay, I’ve only got two, but we need to do that first.”

“What if more vamps come back tonight?” Dawn asks then turns to Spike.

“Well those blighters burned up everything in my crypt… I could keep watch if you’d lend a vamp the sofa?”

Xander snorts.

“Right, you stay here, like that’s ever gonna happen.”

“Right, just like I’m never gonna get anywhere with Buffy, dunno if you’ve noticed but that bun in the oven over there proves you wrong.”

“Just because one time…”

“Stop!” Buffy yells. “I don’t need this right now… Xander, Anya, go home, it’s late; Spike you can sleep on the sofa, I should be feeling better by tomorrow and we can start figuring all this out then.”

“Buffy…” Xander begins.

“Not tonight,” Buffy says then pushes her way to her feet taking the mug of blood with her. “Everyone get some rest.”

--

The sand feels colder beneath her bare feet then it did before. Buffy feels a chill rip through her as the last of the sun’s rays disappear beneath the horizon. Suddenly the ocean waves seem vicious and deadly. The cotton-candy like clouds no longer appear soft and fluffy but thin like smog. Buffy looks into Spike’s blue eyes, the young boy still clasps tightly to her palm.

“He’s not my baby,” Buffy says as if understanding it for the first time.

She looks down at the boy then and he smiles at her then turns away and looks into the distance. Buffy focuses her attention behind Spike and remembers the other figure waiting in the darkness for the first time. The man’s dark brown eyes meet hers. Buffy stares at Angel for a moment then slowly her fingers untwine from the boy’s hand and she watches as he runs up to the older vampire. Angel leans down and picks up the blue eyed boy and stands holding him against his hip.

Buffy wakes with a startled gasp. Her fingers twist in her comforter and she breathes deep and heavy trying to calm herself. After a moment her heart slows and her breathing returns to normal. Buffy rests one hand on her belly and runs her other through her hair, suddenly the pieces are starting to come together. The child in her dream was a boy because he wasn’t hers, he’s the other child mentioned in the prophecy, and that other child is… Angels? Buffy gets out of bed and dresses quickly.

--

The Slayer runs down the stairs as fast as her swollen ankles can carry her. As she moves she finds that her strength has returned. A warm glow has returned to her skin, the blue circles are gone from beneath her eyes. The blood she drank the night before has erased that sluggish weak feeling that had taken over her body the day before. The baby has gotten what she needs and now so has Buffy as the baby is no longer feeding off her mother’s health.

She can hear people talking in the kitchen and instantly makes her way there. As she walks through the dining room she sees Dawn sitting at the table working on her homework. The young girl watches her sister rush past her without even a moment’s glance and quickly stands following her into the kitchen. There Willow and Tara are doing dishes and Spike hovers by the microwave waiting for his blood to heat. They all turn to face her as she walks in.

“It’s Angel,” Buffy says and everyone’s face contorts with confusion and Spike’s eyes blaze yellow for a moment with anger.

“What?” Willow asks.

“The other child in the prophecy.”

“T-the other child in the prophecy is Angel? Buffy, I d-don’t think…” Tara stammers.

“No, the other child in the prophecy is Angel’s son.”

“Don’t think tall dark and forehead is on the up and up with producing offspring pet, last time I checked he was still a vampire,” Spike says with a bitter note to his voice.

“Last time I checked so were you.”

“Buffy,” Dawn says, “If Angel had a kid don’t you think he would have told you?”

“And... Angel can’t… you know… without going all grr.” Willow adds.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that Red, perfect happiness and a good lay don’t always equate to the same thing.”

“Look, let’s just call him… I’ll… I’ll call him and…” Buffy thinks about calling Angel, and she completely freezes. Just what would she say to him. ‘Hi, I was just wondering if you had a son because Spike knocked me up and there’s this prophecy about my baby that I think you’re involved in because I’ve been seeing you in my dreams.’

“I’ll call him if you really feel strongly about this,” Willow says seeing her friend’s unease with the situation. “It couldn’t hurt to ask.”

Buffy gives a sigh of relief.

“Thanks Will.”

--

Spike paces in the living room waiting for the sun to set. Every step is uneasy and filled with pent up anxiety, pent up energy needing to be released. Xander watches him suspiciously from the sofa where he sits next to Willow. The vampire can feel his gaze upon him but is too focused on other things at the moment to care. He’s waiting to head out and find information on the vampires that attacked them the other night, and hoping to get the message out that there better not be another attack. Also the thought that Angel could be involved in this plays at the back of his mind; any thought that involves his grandsire is one that grates his nerves especially one that includes Buffy.

“Could you stop that?” Xander asks annoyed. “You’re wearing a hole in the rug.”

“Make me,” Spike retorts and just as Xander is about to shoot back another comment Buffy comes bounding down the stairs. It’s obvious that she has her energy back by the way she walks.

“Has he called back yet?” She asks referring to Angel as Willow had left him a message earlier because he didn’t answer.

“Not yet,” Willow says, and Buffy nods a little dejectedly.

Then Spike lets out a sigh of relief as the sun plummets beneath the horizon leaving nothing more than a dusty orange glow at the edge of the sky to show that it had ever lit the earth.

“Right, well you all can wait for the great poof to call back, I’m heading out to actually do something,” Spike says reaching for the doorknob.

“Heading out where?” Buffy asks.

“You said you wanted to know about those wankers who attacked us the other night.”

“Oh right… well I’m coming.”

Spike takes note that her usual chipper tone has returned to her voice. It makes her statement that much more absurd.

“You bloody well are not!”

“Buffy I have to agree with Spike,” Xander says then a strange look comes over his face. “I can’t believe I just said that.”

“Guys, it’s no big deal, Slayer here remember? After all that iron-y goodness I’m back to full strength. I’ll be fine, I wanna know about who’s after my baby just as much as everyone else, more actually.”

“Buff, all those guys came here the other night to kill you and the baby, don’t you think going looking for them is maybe a bad idea.”

“Listen to the whelp, pet, stay here; I’ll find out what we need to know.”

“Forget it… I’m feeling better, peachy really, and I can’t just sit here and do nothing.” Buffy’s eyes focus on Spike’s. “Either I go with you or I’m going out on my own.”

--

Buffy and Spike walk wordlessly down the sidewalk. It’s a silent night, Buffy notices as she listens to the clicking of her modest heels on the cement. Spike looks dead ahead as they move angry with the stubborn woman beside him for putting herself in danger. Buffy shoots him a sideways glance every few minutes. Then suddenly Spike stops and lets out a sigh. With a shrug he turns to her.

“You’re being bloody stupid you realize,” he says and instantly Buffy crosses her arms offended.

“I can take care of myself thank you,” Buffy says then continues walking and after a moment Spike catches up to her. It’s then that she stops and turns to him. “And I happen to think it’ll be a good thing for me to show my face, maybe beat something up… I don’t want any beasties thinking I’m incapable of protecting myself now, or no maybe I should just stay home being useless and let them think I’m all vulnerable and waiting to be killed and just…”

“Alright,” Spike says silencing her, he doesn’t want to fight. “Look, just promise me if we get into trouble you’ll toddle on home alright?” Buffy purses her lips wanting to disagree, but instead she nods.

“Fine.”

Chapter 14: Relentless

Spike pushes the door open of the shady demon bar on Fifth Ave, the bar that he literally refers to as ‘the shady demon bar on Fifth Ave,’ as the sign painted above the door with its name has deteriorated and become unreadable long ago. As the door swings shut all faces turn to see Spike and the Slayer stride in as they enter and they all take in the sight of an obviously pregnant Buffy. For a moment they can’t help but stare, can’t help but eye her up from head to toe, but after one pointed glare around the room the demons present quickly understand that the Slayer is not powerless and they turn away.

Spike swaggers up to the bar and leans forward resting on one folded elbow to better intimidate the thin dark scaled bartender. Buffy moves to stand beside him and the yellow eyed demon shifts his gaze back and forth between them obviously nervous.

“Need a bit of information mate,” Spike says.

“Wha… What do you need to know Spike?”

“Well it seems that my lady here,” Buffy gives Spike a pointed glare, but she says nothing, “has some vamps out after her and the baby… my baby. I wanna know who.”

“I… I don’t know anything.”

“Bollox… I happen to know that Cohlearic demons have supersonic hearing… I’m thinking there isn’t a conversation in this place that you don’t catch… so what’s it gonna be, you gonna point us in the right direction or do I have to make an example of you for the next bloke who decides he’s gonna keep somethin’ from me.”

The thin black scaled bartender gulps then slowly leans forward. “Left corner, vamp, long black hair… he got the group together that attacked her house the other night… his name’s Blackart I think, but that’s all I know I swear.”

--

Buffy slams the black haired vamp up against the wall of the alley, his face is already bruised and bleeding from a rough beating given by the Slayer. Her fist is coiled in his shirt and his long hair falls into his face from the force of her shove. Spike stands behind her taking out one of Blackart’s minions who came out to his rescue after they dragged him into the alley. If Buffy insists on having a fight better to keep it two against one Spike thinks.

“So, I’ve got this thing,” Buffy says. “I really don’t like it when guys like you get mobs together to attack my house, and since I don’t want it to happen again I’m thinking that killing you will be a good solution for that.”

The vamp laughs then sets his sights on Spike.

“Look at you, standing behind her. The Slayer’s loyal lap dog… you really think that child is yours,” Blackart says with a laugh and Spike growls.

“Shut up,” Buffy replies, “And look at me, you won’t get him to turn on me, wanna know why… because you know this child is his, that’s why you sent those vamps to my house to kill me.” The vampire’s light mood instantly changes and his face drops, Buffy hit it dead on. “Now drop the games.”

“The defender of the light must be destroyed… You can kill me Slayer, but it won’t stop others from coming, we’ll never stop.”

Rage boils within Buffy and she slams her fist into the vampire’s face, he clutches his broken nose, then she steps back and pulls a stake from her waistband. In less than a second she thrusts it through the demon’s chest and watches as his dust floats to the ground.

“No, but it’s a start,” Buffy says. Spike watches from behind her and can tell that this has seriously upset her, he takes a step toward her never taking his eyes off her. A moment of silence passes where Buffy just stares at the dust on the ground.

“He’s right you know,” A voice calls from the end of the alley and Buffy looks up to see five vampires standing there in game face.

Do these guys ever take a break, Buffy wonders as she rolls her eyes at the new assailants. They leer at her then charge. Spike quickly moves to her side as the fight mounts. So much for keeping it to an easy fight he thinks. They all aim for Buffy but Spike quickly draws the fight to himself as well. Taking on two of the demons at once Spike still keeps an eye on Buffy. Even pregnant he notes that she moves with more grace than anyone he’s ever seen. He watches her take out two of the vamps, one right after the other in one fluid movement then Spike is caught off guard as the two vamps he’s fighting get the upper hand. Spike gets a good right hook in against one and quickly plunges his stake into his chest, but the other kicks him from behind and pushes Spike up against the wall holding him there with his forearm pressed up to his neck.

Spike looks down at the vamp holding him against the wall and plans his attack. He’s raising his arm to strike one moment then in another the vamp is gone and he watches as his dust floats to the ground. Buffy stumbles through the falling soot, unbalanced by the extra weight around her midsection and Spike catches her by the hips as she tumbles into him.

“Oomph,” she says as he catches her. She steadies herself and stands petrified for a moment; her are mere inches from his and Spike can tell that she’s holding her breath. He doesn’t dare move.

Then he feels her breathe and her eyes flutter back and forth between his eyes and lips. She doesn’t make a move, but she also doesn’t back away. He can feel her heated breath on his skin, smell the vanilla of her shampoo, feel the goose bumps forming on her skin where his hand brushes against her arm. Spike can’t take it anymore; he moves in chasing away the rest of the space between them and brings his lips to hers. Buffy’s eyes close instantly as she allows herself to fall into him. Her hands move up his body traveling across his chest and feeling his muscles beneath his shirt. They find their way to his neck and tug at his hair as their kiss grows deeper. Spike wraps his arms around her wanting to hold her tight, and then suddenly she’s gone.

Spike opens his eyes and sees Buffy standing a foot before him her eyes cast to the ground and her hand touching her swollen lip. She looks at him with eyes wide as saucers and sees the passion still burning in his eyes. Buffy turns and begins to run away. This time Spike isn’t going to let her go, he quickly catches up to her and spins her around to face him. Her eyes rock back and forth in their sockets taking in his face and he remains silent trying to read her.

“I know you feel something,” Spike finally says and Buffy opens her mouth to object but nothing comes out. She turns from him again and takes off into the night. This time Spike lets her go.

--

Buffy walks into the living room to see the gang waiting up for her. Her walk home has her mind buzzing with thoughts about Spike. He kissed her, but she wanted him to. She really wanted him too, not because she wanted to forget the pain or to lose herself in something or because of a spell, but because she really wanted to kiss him. Being attracted to Spike is something Buffy noticed some time ago, but wanting to act on that attraction… Buffy’s head hurts; could she actually be considering a… a, what, a relationship with him.

“Angel called back,” Willow says and Buffy snaps back to reality. She had completely forgotten about calling Angel.

“What’d he say?”

“Dead boy has his very own dead boy Jr.” Xander says and Buffy nods.

“He got worried when I asked though,” Willow says nervously, “He wanted to know why.” Buffy’s eyes go wide. “I had to tell him something, and… well I left out the part about Spike, but… he said he’s coming here.” Buffy unconsciously stops breathing for a moment. “He’s coming down tomorrow after sunset.”

Buffy feels her heart drop into her stomach. For a moment she’s reminded of the pain of their break up. Remembers him calling them a freak show, remembers him backing away into the orange flame lit smoke beside a fire truck. She remembers him showing up suddenly out of the blue and leaving just as quickly, remembers the way their love turned into tension, how their passion turned to regret. She remembers the back and forth of how their star-crossed love bounced. Then she remembers Spike, telling him what they had was a freak show, remembers how he would never leave no matter how hard she pushed. She remembers the feel of his lips on hers, of his hand on her belly, the look in his eyes as he stared at an ultrasound monitor. She doesn’t know what to make of all of it, but she does know that what she has with Spike is not a freak show by any means.

--

Buffy twists in her sleep. She may want to drift away into her dreams, but the baby inside her has other ideas. She feels her doing flips in her belly and every time the Slayer closes her eyes the only thing she can think of is her baby keeping her dreams at bay. Buffy sits up in bed with a sigh and runs her fingers through her hair. She gets out of bed.

The white light of the fridge illuminates the kitchen as Buffy reaches into the cold metal box and pulls out a carton of pig’s blood. The baby kicks. Buffy pulls the lid off the carton and drinks it cold. The red liquid is thick and salty, but despite Buffy’s disgust for it in the past, now she craves it. The baby kicks again. Buffy sighs and sets the empty carton on the counter. Kick. Stressed and in need of sleep Buffy steps out on to the back porch and sits down on the step. Kick.

Setting both her hands on her belly Buffy looks down at her stomach and feels her daughter moving around.

“Come on baby, let me get some sleep,” Buffy pleads.

“You alright?” A voice says and Buffy looks up to see Spike standing in her yard a few feet from her. She sighs; dealing with him is the last thing she wants to do right now.

“Spike…” Buffy begins in a warning tone, but he puts his hand up and takes a step toward her.

“Jus’ one mo’… look, Slayer… I’ve always been a selfish son of a bitch, never really had to care about anyone other than myself, not even Dru, not really, don’ get me wrong I loved the loony bird, but I never really cared ‘bout her… but there’s something about you, about this baby, this impossibility that makes me want to… to give everything I have to protect her, an… Look, I want you, you know that, but I don’t wanna make you run off and push me away and so ‘bout earlier, lets jus’… forget it.”

“Right, forget it… good,” Buffy says in a distracted tone. Kick. Spike looks at her quizzically.

“So we’re good then yeah?”

“Yeah… yeah, sorry it’s just,” kick, “your demon spawn has decided to declare war on the inside of my stomach… that or she’s going to be a really great soccer player.”

A large smile crosses Spike’s face, as Buffy looks up from her belly she sees Spike’s smile and can’t help but smile back. After a moment, Buffy sighs then scoots over on the porch step and Spike moves to sit beside her. Kick. They both face each other for a moment then turn to stare back out into the empty yard.

“Angel’s coming here tomorrow,” Buffy says.

“That so?”

“He has a son… and he’s worried about me, I guess he called Willow back while we were out.”

“I see,” Spike says then is silent for a moment. “What are you gonna tell him?” Buffy takes a deep breath.

“The truth, I guess…” Buffy looks to Spike and meets his eyes seeing a wealth of emotion behind them. “Will you be here tomorrow night?”

“Looking for some backup in dealing with peaches eh?” Buffy smiles.

“Actually… kinda… I mean that’s probably a terrible idea to have you there and will most likely end with my coffee table and the good lamp getting destroyed, but… but, it’s easier sometimes… when you’re around.”

Spike is silent and nods. He glances at her then out of the corner of his eye and watches as her eyes sparkle, she breathes in the cool night air, and sighs then turns to face him. As Spike looks into her now peaceful face he knows that he’d do anything for this woman.

Buffy smiles, a moment ago she had been frustrated and sleep deprived but now just after this short conversation Buffy feels rested. The baby has stopped kicking and she feels less stressed.

“Well,” Buffy says. “I should get some sleep,” She stands and Spike stands as well then with one final glance she heads inside.

Chapter 15: Visiting

Angel speeds down the highway. A part of him wonders if he’s just trying to push off telling Cordelia about his feelings by rushing into this new problem. After their… encounter at the ballet, after kissing her, he can no longer deny it to himself, after all everyone else could see it, Lorne, Fred. He loves her. Angel had been in the middle of expressing that love when Wes interrupted telling him that he had a missed message from Willow. After calling her back and hearing about his former flame’s predicament he packed a bag and asked Cordy if she’d come to Sunnydale with him the next night. Angel thinks back.

“Cordy, you and I, we've been working together for… a long time,” Angel said and Cordy had laughed as if to say ‘duh’. “What I mean is, you've become a truly extraordinary woman,” and then she grinned, “I know we haven't always gotten along, but… I think that we, you know, we..." And that was when Wes cut in to tell them that Willow had called and Angel never returned to what he was saying.

Cordelia leans over the passenger seat to see how Connor is faring the ride. The tiny child sleeps soundly in his carrier in the back. Angel glances at her. He watches her stare at his child, a child to whom she’s become like a mother. He looks at them, his family and he knows he loves them.

“How’s he doing, long car rides, he might…” Angel worries.

“He’s fine,” Cordy replies. “Sound asleep.” A moment passes then she turns to him. “So… Buffy’s preggers huh? Hormones all around I guess.”

“Yeah.”

“Angel, we’re not… whisking off to Sunnydale so you can…”

“What?”

“You know… you, Buffy…”

“Willow mentioned that there’s a prophecy, she thinks this is all connected with Connor, that’s the only reason I’m going.” Cordy nods.

“Right… so you’re not gonna get all jealous when you find out that she’s in some new relationship with some guy who by the way she’s having a kid with?” Angel glares at her. “Just saying, let’s keep the drama to a minimum.”

--

1630 Revello Drive looks exactly the same as Cordelia remembers it. The front porch, the walk way, the large front window tapped up from where the glass had been broken; okay maybe not so much that part, but the rest is exactly as it was from the last time she had seen it when they had all still been in high school. Angel parks the car in the driveway then hesitates for a moment before getting out.

“I’ll um… grab the bags, you wanna get Connor?”

“Sure thing,” Cordy says and Angel gets out moving toward the trunk of the car. Cordy however freezes as her hand is about to reach for the handle. Her body tenses for a moment and her eyes gloss over white as a vision comes over her. Images blur by her vision, broken pieces of the future that she has to assemble and make sense of.

Angel’s face vamped out. He charges. Spike. Hands clasped together. Buffy. Buffy’s fingers intertwined in Spike’s. The Slayer, pregnant and upset. A fight. Buffy yelling ‘no’. Spike and Angel fighting.

Cordelia shakes her head and takes a deep breath. She’s glad for the pain of her visions to be gone since becoming part demon. Cordelia then thinks over her vision. Spike, evil, tried to kill them a bunch of times Spike; and yet he’s here and was holding Buffy’s hand in her vision. If he’s here and she’s sure he is Angel will try to kill him, but something tells her that that’s not a good thing, even despite how odd it seems. Could there be something going on between Buffy and Spike, an insane thought certainly, but the Powers sent her that vision for a reason and she won’t ignore it.

--

Buffy paces nervously in the entranceway. He should be here by now she thinks. She glances at Willow, Tara and Dawn who sit in the living room watching TV. She had been watching a movie with them, well watching isn’t really the right word; she had been there and a movie had been on but the only thing she’d been watching was the time. Spike leans against the doorframe leading into the dining room watching her pace. Time seems to be ticking by far too slow, and then she hears it, a car. She sees the headlights move past, they light up the dining room curtains, and she can tell that a car has pulled into her driveway. For a moment she stops breathing.

Spike rolls his eyes watching Buffy get so worked up over the great poof. He’s irritated by the thought that he will soon be graced with the presence of his grandsire, but also bothered by the fact that his coming here has this effect on Buffy. He steps up beside her.

“Buffy, love,” he says in a low caring voice and she turns to face him. Spike takes her hand in his and she doesn’t push him away. “It’ll be alright, jus’ relax.”

She nods, but then she can hear them making their way up the walk and she gulps. He squeezes her hand reassuringly and then there is a knock at the door. Buffy takes a step forward and reaches forward with one hand to the door knob keeping her other one entwined with Spike’s.

She swings the door open and before them stands Angel carrying a number of bags one of which appears to be a diaper bag, and Cordelia with short hair holding a tiny blue eyed baby in her arms. Buffy freezes upon seeing them and so does Angel, but his eyes are not locked on Buffy instead they’re locked on Spike.

“Connor!” Cordy yells before anyone can even say hello. “Take Connor.”

Angel doesn’t hesitate he drops one of the bags and grabs his son fearful that Cordelia is having a vision. His eyes lock on her after he takes Connor into his arms. He still hasn’t gotten used to the idea of her visions not making her fall to the floor to writher in pain, as Cordy would say being part demon has its perks, but Angel’s forgotten this at the moment.

“Cordy, you alright are you…”

“Oh it’s nothing.”

“What, but you…”

“Holding Connor means that your hands are not free to attack Spike, remember what I said about keeping the drama down… now that we’re all not in attack mode,” Cordy turns to face Buffy, “why the hell is Spike here?”

--

Angel glares at Buffy and Spike from his position on the sofa. He still holds Connor in his arms and has yet to set down any of their bags as Cordelia who now sits beside him refuses to take the baby again. The Slayer and his grandchilide sit across from Angel in the two living room recliners and he eyes them both up. It’s a surreal sight to see Buffy pregnant. He never thought he’d see her like this but here she is with a round belly and glowing skin; she looks beautiful. What’s more surreal, however is Spike at her side. Spike not trying to kill her and giving him looks that he’ll kill him if he touches her; Spike being protective over Buffy.

“So, you gonna tell me what’s going on?” Angel asks with a low voice.

“I thought Willow filled you in on the phone?” Buffy asks.

“That’s not what I meant, what’s going on with you and Spike?”

“Oh,” the Slayer says in a quiet voice and stares down at her fingernails for a moment.

“Don’ see how that’s any of your business,” Spike retorts with a huff.

Angel glares at him but ignores him then he turns back to Buffy. “Are you and him… is… is he the father?” Angel asks, his voice incredulous and yet he believes his question to be true all the same. Buffy’s eyes dart to his. She takes a deep breath then looks away.

“Yes,” Buffy says ignoring his gaze.

She can feel the tension in the room thicken as his muscles tighten and he clenches his jaw. Were Angel not holding Connor in his arms he would have surely jumped across the room at Spike. Anger, guilt, regret all fill him, the slur of emotions run thoughts through his mind reminding him that he left her so that she could find someone who could give her what he never could; and here she is with one of those things and yet a vampire has been responsible for giving it to her. All Angel can think is that it could have been him, just maybe.

“Wow, out of the loop doesn’t really seem a strong enough phrase here does it?” Cordelia comments. “Where were you when Spike tried to kill us all those times… then again, it’s no crazier then Angel and Darla…”

“Cordy!” Angel says to silence the brunette at his side.

“He’s doing good Angel,” Buffy says. “He’s on our side… and what about Darla?”

“Nothing,” Angel replies but Cordy lets out a huff.

In an instant the Slayer’s thoughts have shifted from feeling shameful under her ex’s judgmental glare to feeling vindicated in her choices. If Darla is the mother of Angel’s child he has no right to question anything she’s done. How dare he, she thinks. How dare he judge her for being with Spike, especially when he left? Angel left and Spike stayed, Spike was there for her. How dare he judge her for being with a soulless vampire when he’s done the same? And, off that thought Buffy knows that Darla truly was evil where she knows that Spike… well, she may not know exactly how to define him, but she wouldn’t use the word evil; not anymore.

“Angel who’s your son’s mother?” Buffy’s voice is firm now. He doesn’t answer, but his eyes do turn away from her. Buffy glances at Cordy for a moment.

“Don’t look at me, I love the kid but he’s not mine.”

“Darla,” Buffy says somberly. “Wow, could you be a little bit more hypocritical?” Any remaining shame about her situation vanishes and Buffy feels empowered.

“Oh, that’s rich,” Spike says.

Angel lowers his head for a moment.

“It was different,” Angel says.

“Really,” Buffy says, “explain it to me then, because I’m failing to see how you hooking up with your ex-homicidal honey, who I’m sure was still quite dead, evil and soulless at the time is any worse from me being with Spike who’s been fighting on my side for years now.”

Angel glares at her but has no response.

“Actually no, I take that back, it is different,” Spike’s changed; she wants to say but keeps the thought to herself instead. “Darla was worse,” she says instead and can see that it hurts Angel despite the fact that he tries to hide it.

“Alright, enough of the blame game,” Cordelia says. “Let’s all push our insanity aside for a moment and focus… prophecy remember.” Buffy purses her lips wanting to continue, but she decides to shift to the topic of the prophecy instead.

“Right, Willow’s got all the details, she can go over it with us in the morning.”

“Okay great! So let’s all get some rest cause I know I’m beat, and by the way if Spike so much as lays a finger on me it’ll be the last thing he ever touches.”

“No worries,” Spike says with a smirk.

Angel and Buffy give once last glance at each other then Buffy takes a deep breath and stands. Everyone else soon follows suit.

“Okay then,” Buffy says. “The um… the couch pulls out, I know it’s not the comfiest, but it’s the best I’ve got… I’ll go get you some blankets,” Buffy turns to Spike then, “Spike…”

“’m heading out, patrol,” he says with a nod and Buffy nods back.

Angel watches intently as Buffy makes her way up the stairs to gather blankets and Spike heads out the front door. His mind is still boggled from the sight of his grandchilide here in Buffy’s home; the thought that he’s the father of her baby is still too impossible a situation to even comprehend. He can’t even bring himself to think about how close they must have gotten for this to happen.

Once the blondes are out of sight Angel turns back to Cordelia.

“Will you take him now?”

“Fine,” Cordy says as she takes Connor into her arms and Angel sets their luggage down. She watches as he pulls the cushions off the sofa setting them aside and moves the coffee table back. He focuses on the tasks at hand to keep himself from thinking about Buffy and Spike. Then Angel pulls the bed out from within the couch and sets to closing the drapes to keep the morning light out the next day.

“You uh, you can have the bed of course…” Angel begins to say.

“Don’t be ridiculous… we can share, unless you’re really that grossed out about sleeping next to me,” Cordy says as she sits on the edge of the bed. “What is with you lately?”

Chapter 16: Changes

It’s two thirty six in the morning, Cordelia is fast asleep and Angel is as secure as he can be that Connor is safe. Angel casts them one last glance before he walks out the door and heads out into the night, shutting the door behind him so soundlessly that not even a mouse would hear any disturbance. He looks out into the night and prepares to pick up Spike’s scent and find him, to track him down. He finds very quickly however that he won’t have to look very far. Leaning against the Maple in the front yard Spike is stubbing out a cigarette butt with his dirtied and extremely broken in Doc Martins.

“’Ello peaches,” Spike says, his eyes still cast toward the ground, then he looks up to meet the elder vampire’s black eyes. “Come to give me the ol’ ‘hurt ‘er and die’ speech’?” Spike stands up tall and takes a stride toward his grandsire.

“Well I was gonna go for more of a ‘touch her and die’ kinda thing.”

“Bit too late for that don’ ya think?” Spike asks quirking an eyebrow then he pulls another cigarette from his pack and a lighter from the pocket of his duster.

Angel flinches for a fraction of a second thinking about Spike touching Buffy and all the ways in which his grandchilide’s risen eyebrow implies that he has done; then he returns to his natural solemn and brooding appearance.

“Spike…” Angel begins with a firm tone. Spike lights his smoke.

“Don’ bother Angelus, if I hurt ‘er I’ll bloody take a stroll in the sunlight myself,” the blonde vampire’s words are serious and he turns his eyes upward.

As smoke rises from Spike’s cold lips Angel follows it to see that Spike’s eyes are cast upon Buffy’s window. The same window Angel remembers climbing through to visit her at night so many years earlier. Then the dark vampire starts to analyze Spike’s expression, the depth of his eyes, and the tenseness of his muscles. He sees the pile of cigarette butts that surround the tree trunk and Angel can only come to one conclusion.

“You’re in love with her,” he says, and yet his mind is still trying to understand it.

“Yeh,” Spike says then takes another drag.

“Spike, if you’ve got another sick obsession with…”

Angered Spike storms toward Angel dropping his cigarette along the way; it bounces in the grass sending sparks of orange into the night. He grabs Angel by the collar sufficiently silencing him.

“S’not an obsession, I’d give anything for ‘er, for the both of them, and I’ll kill anything that comes between me and protecting them, including you.” Spike lets go of Angel’s collar and pushes him back a step.

Angel quickly straightens and steps back up to get in Spike’s face. “And I’m just supposed to believe that this is the real deal, you don’t have a soul Spike, you can’t…”

“I don’t give a piss what you think,” Spike says jabbing his finger into Angel’s chest, “an I’m tired of you telling me what I can an’ can’t do, heard enough of your whining over the past hundred years. I love her, you can believe it or don’t but get in my way an’ were gonna have it out.”

For a moment blue eyes meet brown and stare with intensity. Both vampires stand still as statues and then Angel drops his gaze and turns back toward the house. He’s not entirely sure why, but for a moment Darla’s face flashes into his mind. Darla and her willingness even as a soulless demon to give up her life for that of her child’s, Darla who was worse than William ever was, worse than himself at times and even she was capable of love. Darla who told him that the only good thing they ever did together was to make that child. Angel knows how Connor has changed him and even if he doesn’t trust Spike he can maybe accept that it’s possible that he’s changed, maybe.

Darla thought the only way she could love her baby was to feel his soul inside of her, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe she really did just love him. Maybe that’s how it is for Spike. Angel doesn’t know, but if there’s one thing Angel does know it’s that he’s not his soul. He’s the man who’s responsible for every man woman and child that Angelus slaughtered. He and Angelus are one in the same; the soul didn't make him a good man. His soul showed him how to be a good man. Just before Angel walks back through the door into the house he wonders if maybe Spike was just a better man to begin with.

--

It’s late in the day when Buffy finally wakes. She’s glad for this morning to have come without any of the sickness that’s plagued her in the past. Now the only thing to turn her stomach is the thought of confronting her ex once again and the words he may have planned to say to her because of her choices. Slowly she gets out of bed and makes her way into the hall. Already she can tell that the house is near empty. Both her sister and best friend’s bedroom doors stand ajar, their rooms empty, and there is a lack of sound in the house. No voices chattering over breakfast or high pitched squeals coming from the bathroom as someone discovers that they’ve run out of hot water once again. Buffy isn’t quite sure what time it is, but if everyone is gone then it must be later then she thought.

Slowly the Slayer makes her way down the stairs, she glances into the living room to see Angel still asleep on the sofa bed, but he’s there alone so she turns and heads through the dining room into the kitchen where she finds Cordelia warming a bottle. Baby Connor rests in his carrier atop the island counter and she smiles at her as she enters the room.

“Well if it isn’t our favorite little pregnant Slayer,” Cordelia greets and Buffy smiles wanly.

“Everyone else gone?” Buffy asks as she sits down at the island.

“Yeah, Willow and her… friend left about an hour ago to go to the Magic store or whatever, your sis dashed out of here early mumbling something about a science project… just me and the big guy here now, well and the little guy of course.” Cordy takes the bottle and tests the temperature of the milk.

“Gotta say Cordy… never thought I’d see you being so…”

“Maternal, yeah no kidding right?” Cordy picks Connor up and holds him in her arms. As Buffy looks on at her high school friend appearing so motherly she feels all warm and fuzzy on the inside. “Things change though,” Cordelia continues as she begins to feed the tiny child, “and this just feels right… helping Angel and taking care of this little guy, like it’s where I’m supposed to be ya know.”

Buffy nods.

“So, how long have you been banging the evil dead?”

Buffy’s eyes snap up, and yet with all that Cordelia has seemed to have grown she still holds on to that ability to be completely tactless.

“We’re not… it was just… a thing… it’s over.”

Cordy arches her eyebrows as if to say that she’s not so sure about that.

“Mmmhmm… so… He’s really doing good? Big bad Spike, slayer of Slayers and torturer via hot pokers Spike?”

“Yeah, he really is… I mean, his motives may not be so pure, but he helps.”

“Well… like I said… things change.”

--

Angel had slept all through the day. For this Buffy was glad, she hadn’t been ready to confront him again. After eating and showering and running a few errands in town Buffy found that the day disappeared faster then she thought it would. Now just after sunset all the Scoobies, plus Angel and Cordelia who holds baby Connor in her arms are gathered around the round table at the Magic box.

Anya still guards her post behind the cash register as the shop still has a few more hours yet before it closes and she eyes up Cordelia who sits beside Buffy. The ex-demon looks at her with speculative eyes remembering when the brunette had come to her to cast vengeance upon Xander. Mostly though she just remembers that she’s his ex and despite past vengeance she feels like she has to keep her eye out for anyone that dares threaten to take Xander from her. Her fiancé respectfully hover’s nearby as he leans against the counter and stands with a protective stance both for his fiancé but also secretively for Buffy as well. Dawn sits on the steps that lead up to the restricted section and the Witches rummage through books beside Buffy at the table.

“Okay, I think to get started it’d be best to know what you and Wesley know about Connor and then from there we can connect the pieces,” Willow says.

“All we know is that this little guy here,” Cordelia says gesturing down to Connor who sleeps peacefully in her arms, “is supposed to be a part of this tro thinger.”

“Tro-Clan,” Angel corrects and steps forward to stand directly behind Cordelia.

“Right, I read that… um,” Willow begins. “The Tro-Clan is a confluence of events that leads to the purification… or possibly the ruin of mankind; Giles was a little sketchy on that part of his translation.” Willow’s brow creases as she tries to make sense of what she’s read.

“So basically it involves all of us and other horrible things we don’t know about,” Cordy adds.

“And Connor and Buffy’s baby are supposed to stop these horrible events?” Dawn asks.

“W-were not sure,” Tara admits. “The scrolls says purification or possibly ruin, we don’t even know which.”

Buffy’s features become anxious and she protectively places her hands across her belly.

“Whoa, wait a second,” Xander says, “I thought we concluded that the kiddies had souls and thus were of the good, now were thinking they might be demon-y bundles of destruction?”

“They do… have souls,” Willow says, “but we just… we just don’t know enough.”

“Then we need to find out more,” Buffy insists.

“The scrolls are very hard to translate,” Angel says.

“So really we know nothing,” Anya says curtly. “I mean soul or no soul these little kiddies could be evil as evil can be and bring about the end of the world.”

“I know,” Buffy says speaking up with a strong voice. “I know, we may not have all the details but I know my baby is good.”

For a moment everyone is silent. Buffy’s eyes meet Angels and a moment of understanding passes between them. It’s a moment shared as parents and understanding that the children are worth everything. That they will risk everything to protect them.

Chapter 17: Need

In the shadows across the street from the Summer’s home an aged and worn old man waits and watches. His vengeful eyes watch a pregnant blonde move up the walk of her home, a brunette with short hair follows and behind her is the demon, the vampire that this man seeks; the vampire that slaughtered his family so many years ago. Beside the shadowed man a demon steps to his side, his face looks like that of molded wax which has been scarred with a long slash across his face and symbols which seem to have been carved into his skin. His hair is long and dark and he wears a heavy robe.

“Where is this place?” The man asks with a formal tone to his voice. A breeze flows by lifting his featherlike brown hair away from his face.

“Oh this?” the demon responds in a tone far more casual. “This would be the house of one Buffy Summers, Vampire Slayer by trade.” The man turns to face the demon with an odd expression.

“He’s come here, to seek refuge in the home of a Vampire Slayer, why does she permit this?”

“Well, that’s a long story, but it seems like your boy Angel got groiny with the girl once upon a time, guess she doesn’t take her calling very seriously… or maybe just misinterprets what she’s supposed to be doing.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“That bun in her oven, its half vampire.”

The man again looks at the demon with wide eyes.

“Oh no, this one’s not Angel’s, still family though… just a thought, feel free to take both the kiddies out on your vengeance kick.”

“My qualms are with Angelus, I don’t even know this Slayer, as dimwitted as she seems to be.”

“Yeah, well the kiddies bring about the end of the world… well maybe, translation on that one is still a little fuzzy.”

“Hmm, interesting, thank you for showing me this Sahjihan.”

--

Spike stares into his drink biding his time before he stumbles back to his chard crypt. Sleeping on Buffy’s sofa had been a onetime deal and Spike wouldn’t even think to ask to do so again; after all it doesn’t come close to where he really wants to be sleeping. Then again it would be closer than the burned remains of his four poster bed or the hard cement of the sarcophagus.

It’s a busy night at the shady demon bar on fifth and Spike has gotten more than a few dirty stares; still his and Buffy’s warning to keep out of their way seems to have sunk in and after killing Blackart there’s no one around to organize them, least no one that has stepped up to do so since the dark haired vamp was dusted. Spike motions for the bartender to pour him another drink and the thin scaly bartender obliges immediately then returns to his other patrons attempting to pay Spike as little attention as possible. This doesn’t upset him; he’s been an outcast for some time, an outcast among the demons and also among the Scoobies. He doesn’t quite fit in anywhere, for a part of Spike that’s just how he likes it. He’s a rebel, doesn’t follow the rules, does what he wants; but another part of the blonde vamp knows how lonely it can be. A part of him that he keeps hidden deep down below craves to be accepted by them.

Behind him Spike hears the door swing open and slam loudly against the wall. Someone is trying to make an entrance, he doesn’t turn around.

“I’m looking for fighters,” a man’s voice calls in a deep aged tone.

Spike rolls his eyes. “’ere we go again,” he mumbles as he swivels around on his bar stool to face the newcomer.

The man has shaggy unkempt brown hair and a thin beard, deep set wrinkles around his eyes and forehead, wears a long brown jacket and has an overall rough appearance.

“I need warriors, there is a vampire in town and his child threatens our entire existence.”

“Yeah, right here mate,” Spike drawls and the man turns to him with an odd look.

“You? Ah, then you are the other, the one responsible for impregnating the Slayer? Interesting, however my concern does not lie with you… least not directly.”

Spike cocks his head to the side suddenly interested.

“I’m here for Angelus.” A murmur rumbles through the bar. “So you all recognize the name, well then you will understand when I say that my vengeance lies with him and his child.”

“And what of the Slayer?” a voice calls from the back of the bar; Spike grates his teeth and can feel the tension rising in the room.

“You want her dead?” The man asks, and again there is a rumbling of whispers.

“Stay away from her,” Spike says in a low drawl, his fist clenching at his side.

The man turns to him and locks his eyes on him, in them Spike sees nothing but an empty void, then pulls forth a crossbow from beneath his jacket and aims it directly at Spike’s heart. Spike doesn’t move.

“I want the child, but anyone who helps me take down Angelus gets a shot at the Slayer.”

Spike jumps forward pushing the crossbow away sending a wayward arrow into the shoulder of a demon to his left. He lands one hard and solid punch against the man’s face before his chip fires. As the electric impulses of pain flood Spike’s brain he realizes that he needs to run, and he does. The man hits the floor with a thud as Spike darts for the exit pushing past various demons and vampires and with his head throbbing escapes into the night.

A demon with a heavy build, black eyes and tentacle like appendages coming out of the top of his head like thick dread locks steps up to the mystery man who lies on the floor. He reaches out a clawed and scaly hand but the man ignores it as he hefts himself to his feet. Once standing he wipes away the blood that trickles down from his broken nose.

“We all want the Slayer dead, Spike too…” the demon says in a low gurgly voice, “and Angelus brings chaos to this town whenever he arrives. We will help you.” The man nods. “What should we call you?”

“You can call me Holtz.”

After exiting the bar and stumbling out the front step Spike stays tuned in to the conversations of the bar patrons. The last thing he hears before getting out of earshot is the word Holtz.

--

He had to be human, Spike thinks as he makes his way through town. In all honesty he isn’t surprised that there’s another wanker gathering blokes to take them all out, he just didn’t expect it to be a human especially not one after Angelus. The big lug just had to come down here and drag his problems along with him. Just bloody great.

Buffy’s house is nearing and so is the impending dawn. As the Summer’s residence comes into view Spike notices that all the lights are out and those within would surely be sleeping, except for maybe Angel. As he comes up to the front walk he suddenly doesn’t feel like going through the front door. Deciding that his information is best if delivered to the Slayer alone Spike scales the tree beside the house with ease and gracefully lands atop the roof.

Buffy twists and turns in bed. Being the Slayer may make her a night owl, but even she needs her rest at some point during the night. The child within her however seems to fancy her father’s sleep schedule better. Her sheet twists around her legs as she tosses in bed praying that her baby decides to rest soon. Then the creaking of her window is heard and Buffy sits up to see Spike slowly stepping into her room. He slides in past the sill like a sleek cat moving through the jungle, every move made to be as soundless as possible. Then his eyes fall upon her and she can see the surprise in them as he realizes that she’s awake.

“Still up?” He asks with a crease in his brow. Buffy pulls her sheets higher up feeling self-conscious.

“Baby’s keeping me up again.” Spike nods and for a moment forgets why he’s come to her room. After a moment he steps toward her and reaches a hand out then pauses and drops it back to his side.

“It’s okay… you can…” Buffy gestures to her stomach and Spike rests his hand atop it. Instantly her baby, their baby calms and Buffy sighs in relief. “I think she likes it when you’re around.”

“That so?” Spike asks with awe in his voice and he finds himself unable to take his gaze away from his hand stroking her round belly.

“She’s been doing acrobats for hours now, but you show up and I actually feel like I could get some sleep.”

Spike’s eye dart up to meet hers in that moment, then his hand falls back to his side and decides it’s time to get back to the matter at hand. Kick.

“Slayer…”

“Ugh… there she goes again.”

Kick. Spike’s attention is diverted back to her belly. Kick. The Slayer groans and closes her eyes for a moment.

“I’m never going to get any sleep like this.” A cool chill crosses her belly once again and Buffy opens her eyes to see Spike once again palming her stomach. Again the baby has stopped kicking and she sighs in relief. “Spike… would you… it’s just, I’ve barely gotten any sleep lately and I haven’t gotten a wink tonight… just complete winkless-ness and… would you just stay, until I fall asleep?” Her words are soft, in that moment she seems so innocent, like a child asking to sleep in their parent’s bed because of a bad dream.

Spike’s eyes meet hers and he finds himself completely speechless, but her eyes look so honest and he knows she’s being sincere. He blinks as if to assure himself that he’s not dreaming then he shrugs out of his duster. He lays it across the chair in the corner of the room and Buffy scoots over in bed. Wordlessly he moves the covers aside and lies down beside her. She hesitates for a moment then curls up into his form, and once she does she finds it to be the most comfortable place she could ever be. In that moment Buffy feels like she’s exactly where she’s supposed to be and let’s herself drift off to sleep as his arm wraps around her.

Chapter 18: Discoveries

It’s late morning and for once Angel is awake before Cordelia. Dreams have stirred him to consciousness and now he lies beside the woman he’s recently found himself in love with, in the home of a woman he had once and will forever love though differently now than ever before, with a child resting on his chest who was given to him by the woman he thought he’d love for all eternity. His life has never seemed so long and complicated as it does to Angel right now. He looks over to Cordy who’s rolled over on her side facing him; she’s deep asleep and snores lightly with her lips parted. He finds her adorable.

“You’d think after a couple hundred years I’d know how to say this,” Angel says in a whispered voice to the sleeping Cordelia. His fingers gently run over Connor’s head as he sleeps and he can feel his son’s tiny heart beat against his chest. “The truth is though, I’ve never known anyone like you and…”

Cordy stirs in her sleep, she takes a deep intake of breath and moans lightly then slowly her eyes flutter open. As she sees Angel before her, her hand darts to her mouth as if worried that she may have drooled. Glad to find no embarrassing slobber she props herself up on one arm and smiles at Angel.

“What time is it?” She asks still half asleep.

“Early yet, not even nine, I couldn’t sleep… look Cordelia, I um… I wanted to talk to you about…”

Angel’s words are cut off as the voice of a teenage girl is heard shouting from the upper level.

Dawn’s voice calls out "Oh. My. God." In a high pitched girly tone.

--

Buffy’s eyes pop open to see Dawn standing in her doorway. The girl’s mouth hangs open and it takes Buffy a moment to understand why. Then she feels a stirring beside her as Spike rolls over groggily waking. She sits up in bed.

“Dawn…”

“Spike spent the night!” Dawn’s eyes are wide and her mouth hangs open.

“It’s not…”

“What’s wrong!” Angel’s voice calls as he pushes past Dawn to see into Buffy’s room. As soon as he sees Spike his eyes light up with rage.

“Oh, bloody hell,” Spike says as he finally gets out of bed.

“Spike, what are you doing here?” Angel asks holding himself back from charging the younger vamp.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but the lady asked me to stay.”

“You asked him to stay!” Dawn squeals excitedly. For the first time in a long time she’s starting to feel like she really has a family again and she’s overjoyed by the thought.

“Alright, everyone stop,” Buffy shouts. Her stomach feels queasy once again.

“I’ll believe that when I hear it from her,” Angel says as he gets up in Spike’s face who’s now standing just before the bed.

Buffy feels her stomach cramp up.

“Think you scare me?” Spike asks as he pushes Angel back a step. The older vamp growls in response.

“Hey!” Buffy shouts as she steps in between them. “The baby does not like fighting!”

That gets their attention.

“Buffy,” Angel says in a softer tone.

“I asked him to stay.” The room is silent for a moment. Everyone is staring at her. Dawn with glee, Angel with confusion and possibly regret, and Spike with awe. “I just… he came here late last night, and I couldn’t sleep… he just stayed next to me, to keep the baby calm so I could sleep… that’s all.”

“Right, that’s all,” Spike says partly in agreement and partly with hurt feelings.

“Why were you here at all last night, Spike?”

“Oh, right… there’s a reason for that actually.” Spike’s voice hits a tempo that suggests he’s just remembered why himself. “Seems we’ve got ourselves a bit of a problem kiddies… new bloke in town plotting all of our deaths, long face, rough beard, seems to know you by name.” Spike stares at Angel.

Angel’s face sobers and his mood grows serious.

--

“So this Holtz guy is some ancient vampire hunter out for revenge on you and Darla? What’s he want with me then?” Buffy asks.

She sits on the sofa with Spike across from her in the recliner, Angel broods in the adjacent recliner and Cordy stands behind him holding Connor.

“Way I heard it, he didn’t much care ‘bout you, ducks,” Spike says. “You were just the consolation prize; Angel here and his bitty bundle of joy are what he’s after.”

“I thought we were done with this guy after Darla dusted?” Cordy says, “wasn’t that his thing, to cause you pain like you caused him what with the killing of his family and all, Darla’s dead so… oh.” Cordelia’s eyes go wide in understanding.

“He wants Connor,” Angel says.

“He wants to take away the only thing that matters to you, make you suffer like he suffered,” Spike says, “told you those bleedin’ mind games you liked to play on your food would catch up to you eventually.”

“How dangerous is this guy?” Buffy asks. “I mean, he’s just a human right, no magical powers we have to worry about?”

“No, just vengeance, but he’s got help from a demon named Sahjihan,” Angel says and Buffy’s eyes light up. Something about that name is familiar to her. “What?”

--

Willow scans the passage again. Sitting at the dining room table with the translation on the prophecy that Giles sent her, she looks for the name that Angel had mentioned to Buffy. Tara sits at the table beside her holding her hand.

“Okay, here it is… Two champions, mates, shall be the bringers of the light in the era of great darkness and defeat the evil power… Sahjihan and his lord Ra-ga-nu-shahead… Sahjihan, that was the name yeah?”

“Well now we know why he’s helping Holtz,” Cordelia comments.

“Sahjihan just wants to get rid of the kiddies to save his own arse,” Spike says, “So why bring in another player then, seems sorta round-about what with Holtz’s main agenda being to take out Peaches an all.”

“Why not just go after Connor himself?” Buffy asks.

“He can’t,” Angel explains. “He’s non-corporeal… least at the present moment.”

“Kay, so I’ve got one baddie who I can’t touch cause he’s human, and another that I literally can’t touch,” Buffy says. “Great.”

Knock-less-ly the front door is opened and the occupants of the dining room turn to give their attention to the entranceway hearing the door swing on its hinges. Buffy walks into the doorway as Anya steps in followed by Xander wheeling something about waist height and covered in a white sheet.

“I come bearing gifts,” Xander says. He smiles seeing Buffy then frowns as he notices the meeting going on behind her. “Something up?”

“New info,” Buffy responds. “I’ll fill you in in a minute, you said something about gifts?”

“Ah, yeah, well it’s just a little something,” Xander says getting a little bashful, but the smile that crosses her face gives him confidence.

“Well lemme see already,” Buffy insists and Xander removes the sheet revealing a crib. The basket hangs from a support at each end which are set firmly into the base of the stand. As Xander pulls the sheet away the basket swings back and forth, and Buffy’s smile grows bright. She can tell he put a lot of work into this piece, carving a design into the frame and painting it white. It’s perfect.

“I know it’s just…”

“I love it,” Buffy says throwing herself around Xander and sufficiently silencing him.

“Good, I’m glad. Now what’s going on?”

--

The warehouse is dark with its painted out windows, but that’s fine with Holtz. He has enough light from the few industrial lights above that had yet to burn out for him to see the group of demons and vampires alike who have joined him. He smiles, stupid beasts, he thinks. Most of them will be killed, which is of no concern to him. All Holtz wants is to create enough chaos to allow him to get his hands on Angelus’s son, just like how the demon put his hands on his son and on his wife, and then he wants to make him watch as he kills the child. For a fraction of a second Holtz thinks about the monster he’s become to consider killing an infant. Yet this does not bother him as it should. No matter what Angelus has become, or even the innocence of his child, if such a demon spawn has innocence; the things he’s done cannot be forgiven; and so the sins of the father must be paid for in blood.

“I have given my word to show no mercy,” Holtz says to the crowd of rowdy demons, “all I ask of you is that you do the same.” The crowd sounds with a collaborative evil roar. “At sunset we shall attack, and we shall be ruthless, fight until they’re all dead.”

--

After Buffy explained that Holtz was the newest Big Bad after the babies the gang decided not to wait to take action. They’ve split up to search for where he’s holding up. With the sun high in the sky they feel reassured enough that Holtz won’t attack; least not until after sunset. They hope they can find his lair before then and prepare to either attack or at least be aware of where an attack would come from.

Xander and Anya walk through town on their way to check out Sunnydale’s warehouse district. Anya pulls her jacket tight around her feeling a chill to the air which seems out of place in the sunny afternoon and Xander wraps his arm around her.

“We should get her more gifts,” Anya says and Xander looks at her oddly.

“You do know that gifts cost money yes?”

“Yes, I know this; and babies are expensive, I’ve read up on the subject… and well, despite my love of money, and you, I like Buffy. And well, seeing as I’m not quite ready for procreation myself I’ve found myself wanting to buy… well baby things. They’re just so cute and small… I suppose I’d rather be buying them for me, but there is a general order to my life in which it would disrupt. Boyfriend, Sex, Money, Marriage and then babies, and it would be completely impractical to begin growing another being within me before the wedding, especially after all those dress fittings.”

Xander is quiet for a moment. He feels a sudden rush of fear and unease. Suddenly he’s bombarded with responsibility. He’s not just looking at a wedding, a fun party to celebrate his love for Anya but a marriage. A marriage which will incude making sure he can provide for her, where he’ll be a man, a husband; not just the cute boy she fell in love with who cracks jokes to ease the tension of tough situations and fought against the very thought of growing up. A marriage that will lead to babies, and a house, maybe a dog and a white picket fence. For a moment Xander wonders if he can do it. He wonders if he can give her the life she dreams about or if it’ll turn into the nightmare of what he remembers of his parent’s lives.

“Hey, you okay?” Anya asks.

“What, ah yeah, yeah I’m fine,” He says pulling her closer and chasing his thoughts away.

--

Tara walks into the bedroom to see Willow standing before their dresser. On one side she’s pulled out the ingredients for a locator spell, a map, few crystals, candles and sand. On the other side the drawer to her sensible clothes is open, and she holds in her hand one of the few t-shirts she owns designated ok to get bloody or full of vamp dust. Tara shuts the door behind her and Willow spins around realizing her presence.

“Oh, hi,” Willow babbles, “I um, I’ve just got to change my shirt and throw on a pair of sneakers and I’m ready to hit up the abandoned houses.”

Willow walks over to the closet in search of her shoes and Tara’s eyes bounce back between the red witch and the magic supplies she’s left on the dresser. Willow hasn’t done a spell in some time. Tara knows she still feels guilty over bringing Buffy back from the dead, but she feels as if there’s more to Willow’s resistance to do magic then she originally thought. She’s almost seemed to seek her approval before casting, which is very unlike Willow. She’d always been the confident one, not Tara, and the shift in her personality bothers the white witch.

“D-did you want to do a locator spell?” Tara asks.

“What? Um, no… no, I mean, if we can hoof it that’s better… right?” A flash of a memory of the dark power that’s been floating around since Buffy got pregnant enters Willow’s mind, the way it seemed to try and get inside her every time she did a spell.

“Willow,” Tara sighs. “You don’t need my approval to do spells, a locator spell wouldn’t have been a bad idea.”

“I know, I just,” Willow looks down at the sneakers in her hands, she doesn’t want to tell Tara how magic has made her feel lately, how it’s all felt more powerful, felt stronger. So instead she focuses on the other feelings that have been welling up inside her. “Bringing Buffy back from… it was the wrong decision, and you were right… whenever things get hard I turn to magic… I used to know that when I did magic it was to help people, but now, after Buffy… I just don’t know what’s right anymore, and then I wanted to fix it all with another spell and I didn’t even realize until you said something that I’d just be hurting her more.”

“It’s okay Willow, we all made a mistake bringing Buffy back, it wasn’t just you.”

“I know but, it doesn’t feel that way you know?” Willow’s eyes tear up as she tries to let some of her guilt go, and it does ease some as her girlfriend holds her close. What remains however is the fear that this dark magic is still out there trying to use her to get to her friend’s baby.

Chapter 19: Misdirection

Buffy stands in her bedroom staring in her full length mirror. She looks at her profile and runs her hand down the large expanse of her belly. She’s grown so much so fast. She thinks about how surreal it all feels. Looking at her shape, knowing that she fits into very little of her clothes, having forced herself to buy some maternity wear even without wanting to on her tight budget, she knows now that it’s close. Maybe two weeks away, maybe less.

The baby will be coming soon and with that thought comes a rush of fear. Is she ready, will she ever be? Buffy’s mind races with questions surrounding her impending motherhood. Soon she won’t just have a large bump to carry around on her person, soon she’ll have a baby; a baby to look after and care for, to be responsible for. Buffy feels her heart speed up with anxiety as she stares at herself in the mirror. Then she watches her reflection as the fabric of her shirt seems to move on its own accord. Buffy feels the chilly pressure of his hand and turns to see Spike standing behind her, his hand wrapped around her and resting on her belly.

“We don’t have much time left,” Buffy says then turns to look him in the eyes. “untill the baby comes, I don’t think I’m ready,” there is panic in her voice, “what if I’m not ready?”

“I don’t know if anyone ever really is pet, we learn as we go yeah?”

Buffy nods then notices their close proximity. She takes a step back.“Has anyone else gotten back with any info yet?” she asks as she walks over to the bed.

“Not as far as I know… Peaches an’ I checked out all the electrical tunnels, there’s nothing going on down there; he’s talkin’ with the cheerleader now. The others should be back soon though; sunset’s only a bit off now.”

Buffy nods, then she looks to him, her eyes starting to water.“Spike,” she says and he’s before her in seconds moving a stray hair out of her eyes. Her lip trembles slightly.

“What’s wrong love?”

She sniffles then looks down at her fingernails before looking back up to him.

“What if, what if I can’t do this? What if I’m just no good at it, if I’m not a good mom?” a tear rolls down her cheek and Spike finds his heart breaking for her.

He wipes the orb of moisture from her cheek and looks deep into her eyes. “Now you listen here,” Spike says. “I’ve lived for sodding ever Buffy, and I’ve seen a lot of things, I’ve seen you, seen how you fight, how you try… I’ve seen you put everyone around you first, seen you die for them… I know the good that’s in you and there’s no way you could be a bad mum.”

“But…” more tears fall.

“But nothing, anything that’s good in me is because of you. Raisin’ a child doesn’t take books or brains, it doesn’t take a manual ta tell ya what to do, it takes love; and I know you will love her with all your heart.”

Buffy finds herself sobbing with a mess of emotions all running through her; joy, worry, relief, love, pain. Spike reaches out to her and puts a hand on her shoulder. Upon feeling his touch she falls into him. Her face burying into the cotton of his t-shirt, his arms wrapping around her to hold her tight. He shushes her as she cries and holds her tightly. Every day their predicament gets more and more real, and the closer they get to the day the more Spike knows that he needs to be there for her, that she wants him there for her.

--

“We found them,” Xander says as he and Anya walk through the front door.

Everyone else is already huddled in the living room when Xander and Anya enter. Willow and Tara had returned a short time earlier without any luck and now sit side by side on the sofa. Dawn has finished her homework and is holding Connor under Angel’s intense gaze while Cordy sits beside him; and Buffy and Spike have come downstairs and stand by the open weapons chest behind the chairs.

“Found them where?” Willow asks.

“Well now, that’s kind of ironic actually,” Xander says proudly, “Remember that old abandoned warehouse?”

“The one Dru an’ I took up shop in?” Spike asks.

“And kidnapped Willow and I and took us to, yeah, the very one.”

“Great lets revisit the place where I fell through a flight of stairs and ended up in the hospital for a week after getting a rebar through my ribs,” Cordelia complains, “God, there really are a lot of terrible memories in this town.”

“Ok, so this is good,” Buffy says, “We can load up on weapons and take them out.”

“Yeah, except this place is loaded with demons,” Anya adds, “and they looked ready to head out.”

“Head out to go where?” Dawn asks.

“Here, would be my guess,” Angel says, then his eyes fall on Connor resting peacefully in Dawn’s arms. Buffy follows his gaze.

“We have to get out of here,” Buffy says, “get someplace safe.”

“We don’t have time.” All eyes turn to Cordelia to see her floating just inches above the ground, her eyes are glossed over with a distant gaze. It isn’t every premonition that makes her float, just the big ones, and this is a big one. It sends tingling beads of light through her veins and lights up her frontal cortex with images of what’s to come. Like fireflies in a jar the energy buzzes and flies through her. Demons, lots of them, and they’re all on their way to Buffy’s house. “They’ll be here any minute.”

Buffy’s eyes grow wide. There’s not enough time. The demons are coming too soon, the baby is coming too soon, it’s all too soon, and she’s not ready. Her eyes dart past Spike and glance over her friends, the fear in their eyes. No matter how many battles they fight the fear doesn’t ever completely go away. Then her sight lands on Dawn, her sister, holding the innocent baby Connor in her arms. His blue eyes big and round staring up at Dawn; Angel looking at them like he’s about to throw himself into the open, razor teeth lined, jaws of the Hellmouth to save them if it would do any good.

“Dawn, take Connor upstairs, and lock the door.” The girl’s blue eyes go wide and then she does as her sister has asked without another word. Angel watches them go for a moment then turns back to Buffy just as she tosses him a sword, she pulls out an axe for herself as does Spike. Cordy comes up and grabs a sword for herself and Buffy looks at her oddly for a moment.

“Are you sure you can…” Buffy begins.

“Wield a sword? And a crossbow too, like I’ve said Buffy, things change.”

Buffy notices Spike pulling a double barrel shotgun out of the chest then and she looks at him with fear.

“Where did that come from?”

“S’ mine, brought it here over the summer.” He tosses the gun to Xander. “M’ sure you’ve got enough cells left from those commando days to know how to point and shoot.”

“You kept that in the house?” Buffy asks Spike, “That’s so dangerous.”

He quirks an eyebrow at her.

“You have a box full of sharp pointy weapons and you’re worried about a gun?”

“Hey, guys. Can we worry about baby-proofing the house later?” Xander says. “We’ve got company.”

All faces turn to see the soft glowing light of torches approaching the house.

“Buffy, I’m gonna work on putting up a force field, stay inside, we’ll put it around the house.” Buffy nods.

The gang moves to head outside and face Holtz’s army of vengeful demons. Buffy follows them to the door watching Angel and Cordelia move out into the fight followed by her friends. Spike is the last to leave the house and before he steps through the doorway he turns back to face her. They share a wordless moment of understanding, then Spike kisses her on the forehead and rushes out into the fight.

Buffy stands in the doorway and looks out into the yard as demons of all shapes, sizes and colors surge toward the house. Anya has grabbed a crossbow and keeps watch over Willow and Tara as they sit on the porch and try to get a spell forming. Xander moves to the end of the stairs with his shotgun and begins shooting at anything that gets past Spike, Angel, and Cordelia who Buffy takes note moves with her sword with the precision and perfection that she once held in her cheerleading routines.

As the fight rages on Buffy grips her axe tightly in anxiety watching as her friends fight where she should be fighting. Then she has a distraction to pull her mind away from the battle. The sound of glass shattering echoes through the house and Buffy spins around to look up the stairs. She hears Dawn scream and then she’s moving taking the stairs two at a time.

--

“Gahh,” Spike yells as a demon waves a torch before his face. “Bloody torches.”

Cordelia comes up behind the demon he’s fighting and beheads it with a swift and easy swing of her sword. Spike smiles as the beast’s torch falls to the grass and goes out nearly instantly.

The boom of gunfire is heard and Spike twists his head to see Xander rather efficiently taking out another demon with one clean shot to the head. He sees the witches on the porch still nowhere near getting a force field up and Anya haphazardly shooting anything she can get an aim on.

“Spike,” Angel yells and Spike twists around to see his grandsire in a headlock by a rather bulky red horned demon. For a moment Spike smirks at the sight of Angel trying to elbow the beast in the ribs while the dimwit tries to choke the lack of air out of the vampire. Then he rushes in to help.

--

The door is locked. Buffy kicks it in splintering the white painted wood into shards as it breaks apart and falls into Dawn’s room. Before it can even land with a thud the Slayer is bursting into the room. There she sees Dawn knocked to the ground, the brunette girl wiping blood from her split lip, and Holtz standing before the broken window with baby Connor in his arms. Connor begins to cry.

“I’m not here for you,” Holtz says, then looks her up and down with disdain in his eyes.

“You’re not taking him,” Buffy says and raises her axe.

--

Angel now freed from the red demon who was holding him punches another demon knocking him to the ground. Then he looks around and realizes that something is wrong. Cordelia is holding her own against the demons, and Spike is fighting as he usually does - with all that he’s got. He sees the Scoobies, sees the fight, what he doesn’t see is Holtz. Angel turns to face Spike.

“Where’s Holtz?” Angel demands and Spike meets his eyes realizing in that very moment just what Angel has realized.

Crying, no, waling, a baby. Connor. He hears it with his enhanced vampire ears and takes off towards the house abandoning the fight. Behind him Spike follows.

“Buffy,” Spike whispers as he pushes past the demons who are still storming the yard. He follows Angel past Xander and the witches and ignores them all as he moves into the house. It was all a trap, a distraction for Holtz to get to Connor and they fell right into his plan. He needed to separate the fighters from the weak, and he did. Now Connor and Dawn, and Buffy are alone and vulnerable in the house.

The lound bang of a gunshot is heard. Xander shoots at a demon that tries to follow Angel and Spike as they run into the house. Anya yells watching their two best fighters disappear into the house but they don't stop. The battle rages on and it does not slow.

Cordelia swings her sword successfully decapitating another demon, then she spins around and sees that she is alone among them. The crowed has thinned some, but those that are left are full of anger and adrenalin and now they're all gunning for her.

--

“We have to do something,” Willow says from the porch.

There isn’t enough time to do a barrier spell and what they need now is a big gun not a big wall. Willow stands and moves to the stairs. The demons are closing in on Cordelia and nearing the house. The red witch pushes her recent fear of the power of magic aside and begins to chant under her breath. Tara comes to stand behind her and Anya and Xander try to keep the nearing demons at bay. Her hands reach outward and her eyes gloss over. Electricity darts out of Willow’s fingertips and zaps two nearby demons. Others charge forward toward her and the blue bolts of energy flowing from her fingers branch out to reach more of them.

As the magic escapes however it opens the door to let something else in. A dark powerful energy pushes its way into her body and finds its way into her veins. Willow’s eyes cloud dark and her feet lift from the ground until she is floating a foot off the ground. The demons before her start to fall dead to the ground, but it’s obvious that the amount of power flowing through Willow’s body is doing something to her. Her eyes turn black and her roots grow dark. The bolts of electricity that strike down the demons begin to branch out and hit a tree across the road setting it on fire. Then the electricity hits the lamp post it the yard setting it aflame as well as sending shards of its glass case flying into the yard.

Tara and Xander look up to her in fear. While they know Willow would never try to hurt them they can tell the magic is what’s in control here, not Willow. They wonder for just a moment if her magic will destroy everything in sight, including them.

“Oh God,” Cordelia says as she watches Willow from the battlefield of the front yard. “Willow got scary.” Then she feels the warm tingling in her veins. Her skin begins to glow and her own body lifts off the ground. Her skin shimmers as an inner light radiates from her pores. It starts to flood from her and then in a flash the yard is encompassed in blinding white light. Just as hell has its dark power in the game, heaven has a blinding energy in the fight as well.

Willow can feel the power and the dark seeping in, and it feels good. She remembers the feeling having taken hold of her before, the way it flowed through her to allow her to enact her vengeance on Glory or to raise Buffy from the dead. It makes her feel unstoppable. And then just as the dark tries to suck her in completely there is light. The white encompasses her and fills her with such innocence, and compassion that Willow begins to weep. This power is the purest she’s ever felt and more powerful than the dark.

Slowly the light fades and as it does all the demons in the yard fall dead to the ground and Willow slowly floats down to lie on the porch with tears rolling down her cheeks. A silence falls over the yard as everyone stands with their weapons raised and realize that they’ve won.

Chapter 20: Transparent

Over Angel’s bulky shoulder Spike sees her. Angelic in her white sweater she holds baby Connor as Holtz steals her axe away from her. Once Holtz wraps his fingers around the metal handle time begins to move like molasses, slowing nearly to a stop. He sees her grip around the child tighten protectively as her grip on the axe is lost completely. Holtz in turn rears his weapon back, his eyes squint, mouth thins, and he aims the axe at her round swollen stomach.

Her eyes squeeze shut, their lashes interlacing, anticipating the sharp blow to come. Spike pushes forward but he’s not fast enough. His limbs are just as sugary slow as the world around him. The axe swings, it cuts through the air and connects with Buffy’s belly. The power in the blow could decapitate a demon in one swift cut. Anger, fear, and vengeance boil in Spike’s veins and he has Holtz locked in his sight. Spike has his hand wrapped around the man’s neck before the axe even hits the ground; its blade curled back and clean. Spike doesn’t notice.

Buffy looks down to her stomach afraid to find blood, to find herself cut open and her baby dead, but she does not find this. Not even a single thread on her sweater has been severed. Her eyes move to lock on Spike then. His fangs have descended and are at Holtz’s throat. Her mouth parts but she doesn’t have time to scream. Holtz’s eyes go wide. Angel moves his hand to Spike’s shoulder trying to pull him away, but he cant. It’s already done.

The pain, Spike never thought he’d feel pain like this. It hurts more than the sun on his skin, more than an organ crushing his spine, more than any zap the chip has given him before. The blood is rushing down his throat but the exhilarating taste of fresh human blood is blocked from his mind as his brain is boiled and melted into mush. The pain is unfathomable but Spike doesn’t stop, even as his consciousness wavers Spike pushes on through the pain. Then finally Holtz’s heart stops beating and Spike falls to the ground with his dead body, unconscious.

“Spike!” Buffy shouts in a pained cry of a yell.

Both she and Angel rush to Spike’s fallen form. As she kneels Angel takes the crying Connor out of her arms. He holds him close then checks Holtz for a pulse and finds him dead. Buffy doesn’t even realize that tears are rolling down her face as she rolls his body over. His mouth is stained with blood, his body completely limp, Buffy runs her fingers across his brow and looks down at him in fear.

--

Sahjihan materializes like smoke out of thin air. He's standing in the shadows across the street from the Summer’s home, and watches as Holtz’s dead body is carried out of the house. He frowns. Two human like demons drag him off and throw his corpse into the back of a van. His plan has failed. Angel still lives, Connor still lives, even the Slayer and her unborn demon spawn have survived. Sahjihan knows that these children will grow into great warriors. He knows they will kill him one day, but he cannot touch a hair on their heads. Sahjihan fades away vanishing into a cloud of smoke once again knowing that he will have other opportunities to fight his fate, he has many years before the prophecy is set to take place, and in those years the powers of darkness will come forward to fight against them. For now, there’s nothing he can do, but wait for another opportunity to present itself.

--

The house is silent. Xander is in Dawn’s room fixing her door and boarding up her window. He had gone up to Dawn’s room shortly after the battle was won outside. Buffy caught his expression as he looked from Holtz’s dead body on the ground to Spike’s bloodied lips. She could tell there were words he had wanted to say then but to her surprise and gratitude he remained silent.

The demons that had died in the lawn disintegrated moments after the bright light from Cordelia’s body had faded, but the corpse of Holtz had remained and after Angel and Xander had carried it down stairs Anya contacted some of her old demon friends to remove of it.

Now Willow sits on her bed with an afghan wrapped around her shoulders, Tara at her side calming her. Cordelia is resting in the living room with Connor in her arms; Dawn is sitting beside her. And Buffy stands in her room.

--

Spike lies unconscious on Buffy’s bed, still as a corpse. A bowl of bloody water sits on the nightstand with a now ruined towel resting in it. Angel had picked him up and moved him to her room for her, then silently she went about cleaning him up. The mystery that was her inability to be cut by an axe was forgotten as Spike became her priority. Dawn had stopped in wanting to be reassured that Spike was okay, but Buffy couldn’t answer any of her questions. She couldn’t tell her that he’d be okay and so un-consoled Dawn left her sister to tend to Spike alone. Now Angel returns as she stands silently before her bed watching over him. He moves to stand beside her.

“Will he be okay?” Buffy asks in a shaky voice.

“I don’t know,” Angel answers honestly, “but as far as I know, so long as he’s not dust he should recover.”

Buffy nods and the silence returns.

“You in love with him?” Angel asks bluntly and Buffy turns to face him. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be outta line here it’s just… this is Spike we’re talking about here.”

“Things are different now.” Buffy keeps her voice smooth and even.

“Yeah I know, you’re pregnant…”The tone of Angel’s voice sounds like he’s trying to brush off Buffy’s reasoning.

“No, before that, things have been different since before that.” Buffy sighs, “And I don’t mean the chip or me coming back from the dead, although I’m sure both of those things play into this… Spike has been changing for a long time; maybe ever since I met him, once upon a time he helped me kill you after all. He may not be good, but he is trying… he’s making a difference.”

Angel just nods, but Buffy doesn’t notice. The things that she’s been starting to realize about Spike have now just solidified in her mind and she fears that she may have figured it all out too late.

“I’m still here for you, Buffy, just know that.” Without another word Angel leaves.

--

“You were right,” Willow says to Tara, tears still streaming down her face. “I thought I understood, but I didn’t, I get it now, I need to stop. I was just trying to help. I wasn’t mad or, vengeful, but there were so many and I needed so much power and when I called for it, it felt…”

“Addicting,” Tara finishes for her then offers her a reassuring glance. She realizes now that the power has been calling to Willow in more ways than she ever imagined before. She’d been feeling the darkness that’s been floating through the air recently, but hadn’t realized until now how much of that power had been targeting Willow; how much she had been taking in. It’s a strong force that’s been taking control of a weak girl. Tara knows though that Willow can be strong enough to resist its hold on her. She just has to learn how.

“I would have let it consume me if Cordelia hadn’t done…. whatever that was that she did.”

“It’s okay hunny.” Tara pulls her into a hug. “Shhh, it’s okay.” Willow sobs into her girlfriend’s embrace as she realizes the true connectedness of power and magic. Everything is connected and pulling at her all the time, realizing that is overwhelming, but sobering at the same time as she knows now that she has so much more yet to learn.

--

Anya walks into the house after disposing of Holtz’s body to find Cordelia sitting alone on the couch. Connor is sleeping in her arms. That image provides her with a wisp of wistfulness as she thinks about the things she wants in her life. She can hear Dawn rooting around in the kitchen knocking over a pot, but she ignores this. She’s focused on the motherly image that Cordelia presents before her. This mortal coil was never a place Anya thought she’d belong but she finds that she wants the things that mortals want. For the first time Anya realizes that she wants the benefits that come along with a finite existence and she understands the beauty of it all. Then she looks over her fiancé’s ex crossing her arms tightly over her chest.

“Just so you know you can’t have Xander back, not ever,” Anya says and Cordelia looks to her with an odd glare.

“That’s okay,” Cordy says, “he’s all yours.” Anya softens after that.

“What was that… thing you did anyway, the glow-y light thing?”

“I don’t really know what to call it. I don’t even really have control over it, it’s more like… instincts, it just takes over.”

“Hmm, well anyway… I’ll leave you and your demon spawn alone, I’m going to find Xander and take him home so we can have many orgasms.”

“Yeah, you have fun with that… and he’s not a demon spawn, he’s a baby, and he’s not mine.”

“Angel would be a demon and so by Connor being his offspring I think the phrase demon spawn is quite accurate… and he might as well be yours, you seem to be filling in the motherly role quite well, and with the way Angel looks at you it would make sense for you to become a family unit.”

Anya smiles then walks off to go upstairs and find Xander; she leaves without any thought to what she’s said as if it were a normal every day topic of conversation. Cordelia just watches her go. What Xander sees in her she doesn’t know, but that’s not what sticks in her head. The way Angel looks at you, that phrase repeats itself. Anya may be odd but she is nothing if not perceptive and Cordelia finds herself wondering just how Angel looks at her.

--

Anya pokes her head into Dawn’s room. The destroyed bedroom door has been removed and the broken glass cleaned up. What remains, what Anya enters to find Xander staring at is Holtz’s blood soaked into the carpet. The expression on his face is a mixture of hatred and disgust. Anya finds herself confused by his state of being.

“Hey,” she says as she enters the room. Xander looks up surprised to see her and his expression softens.

“Hey, sorry, just finishing up.”

“Something wrong?”

“No, why?”

“Your face is doing that scrunchy thing it does when something bothers you.” Xander sighs.

“It’s just… Spike, he kills a man, rips his throat out right before her and she doesn’t even seem to notice, hell she jumped on the nursemaid bandwagon and took him to her room to get him cleaned up… I just… is she ever going to see him for what he is?”

Anya stares blankly at him for a moment then sighs. “Xander… what if it had been me?”

“Huh?”

“What if you had seen Holtz throw an axe at me… what would you have done?”

Chapter 21: Looming

The night had been a silent one, the kind of eerie silent that in itself was deafening. All through the night as Buffy slept beside Spike’s unconscious form she wished to hear the sound of Connor crying in the middle of the night, wished to hear the floors creak from Dawn heading downstairs for an after-midnight snack. She wished to hear the sound of unnecessary breath pass through Spike’s lips as if he were living in a dream. But she was left with silence; even the crickets seemed to hold their chirping. It was a dead void quiet and it unnerved her. Eventually though she did fall asleep. However, it was only to wake to the same cold still room.

Now the Slayer sits on her sofa, a mug of pigs blood in her hands and a glum expression. She’s worried that Spike will never wake, but she doesn’t have time to dwell on that now. Something else happened last night other than Spike killing a man. Holtz had driven an axe straight at her stomach and it hadn’t left a mark, instead the axe that should have sliced straight through her curled up like a tin can. For that she needs answers. Willow and Tara are absent from this meeting, Willow had said something about being worn out and Tara about looking after her. Buffy had paid them little attention. Xander and Anya are at work, Dawn is at school, and Cordelia is out with Connor. That leaves just her and Angel. He sits across from her in one of the comfy chairs.

“You know why that axe didn’t touch me don’t you?” Buffy asks.

Angel is silent, but the look in his eyes, the emotions hidden behind the still brooding statue of his brow, says that he does. Buffy’s known that there’s been more that Angel knows since he insisted on driving out here, now she just hopes she can get the full story form him. Now she needs to know everything.

“Shouldn’t we have everyone together before we…”

“No,” Buffy nearly shouts then takes a second to calm, “no, I… they’re already freaked out, Dawn’s worried, and… I know it’s not gonna be good news.” Angel’s eyes meet hers. “I need to know, Angel.”

He sighs and leans back in the chair. “When Darla was pregnant she spent months trying to… to end the pregnancy, but there were mystical forces protecting Connor.”

“She couldn’t cut it out.”

Angel winces at Buffy’s words, but she’s exactly right.

“More so than that… her body was protecting Connor from all outside forces, knives, magic, even birth.”

Buffy’s eyes show fear as she looks up at Angel.

“Connor almost died, she knew we were going to lose him and… she staked herself to save him.”

Angel’s eyes stare off into the distance unfocused. His mind has wandered to the memory of his son being born. He remembers Darla soaked from the rain lying in the alley as they ran from Holtz. She knew her time was up. He remembers watching her drive a stake through her own chest and the way her dust settled into the wet pavement. He remembers it floating down around his newborn baby son who cried as he picked him up and held him in his arms.

“Why?” The question comes out in a whisper.

His eyes snap to look at her. “She could feel his soul… she loved him.”

A single tear rolls down Buffy’s face. She wraps her arms around her swollen belly as if to hold her child to her. She’ll never meet her and she knows this now. “I won’t live through this.”

“Buffy, we don’t…”

“Yes we do.” Their eyes meet and they find understanding there, find truth. Buffy stands and begins to walk out of the room, then she turns back to face Angel. “Don’t tell them, they’re not ready to know.”

--

Angel walks through the kitchen, Cordy had been getting a bottle for Connor, but she’s now nowhere in sight. The bottle sits unattended warming on the stove. Then Angel notices the back door and he opens it. He can smell her scent mingled in with the chilly air before he sees her, a mixture of lavender and baby powder. She’s there on the porch standing calmly with Connor in her arms wrapped up in a blanket looking listlessly out into the yard.

“Cordy,”

“It’s too cold for this time of year.” Angel looks around as if to find the source of the afternoon chill, being a vampire he didn’t notice the slight drop in temperature as much.

“I suppose.”

“Something’s coming Angel.”

“Did you…”

“Have a vision? No, but it doesn’t take a vision to feel this. I bet mighty wicca Willow upstairs is feeling the tremblies, something’s going to happen and the Powers are preparing.”

An image of Buffy flashes before Angel’s eyes.

“We both know what it is,” Cordy says and meets his eyes with a knowing glare. Then his glare turns into another kind of stare, the kind he’s often found himself looking at Cordelia with. This time she notices it. The way he takes in all of her features, not an eyelash escapes his scrutiny. But the look is soft, caring in a way, and knowing, as if by looking at her he can see something deeper.

Angel has fear for losing Buffy, fears for her impending death; but in a way Angel has already grieved the loss of her, already gone through the process of moving on. Now looking at Cordelia he knows that it would pain him much more to lose her.

“Come on, let’s go inside,” Cordelia says and they do.

In the kitchen Cordelia hands Connor to Angel and goes to the stove to turn it off and check the heat of the bottle. Angel takes his son in his arms and looks down at him with loving eyes. He understands what Buffy is going through. He knows that the one person he would give anything for is the child in his arms, his son. He’d give his life if he had to. Do whatever it took to keep him safe. Then another thought comes to Angel and he frowns. Cordy looks over to see Angel’s sad face.

“What’s wrong?”

“Spike,” Angel replies with sorrow in his voice.

“Why?”

“Because he did what I couldn’t, what I should’ve done… he killed Holtz.”

“Angel, he killed a man. There’s never any good in that.”

“It wasn’t about doing what was good; it was about doing what was needed.”

“Angel,” Cordy’s voice is soft and caring and she nears him setting the bottle down on the counter. He watches as she takes a seat at the island beside him, and bring a hand up to rest on his shoulder. “You’re a good man, and I know you would do anything for this little guy.” She moves her hand up to his face and traces her fingers across his jaw and he turns into her touch. “You’re doing good.”

--

Dawn walks through the front door. Her nerves have been frazzled all day. From class to class she listened to her friends and classmates complain about their everyday lives. She listened to them whine about tests and boys, about bad skin and school dances. If only any of them knew the things she lived through.

Dawn walks into the living room and sees Buffy sitting on the sofa with a depressed look across her face. When she spies Dawn she tries to wipe her glum expression from her face but fails to remove it completely. Dawn drops her school bag to the floor and sits down beside her sister.

“Hey, Dawnie,” Buffy says trying to sound cheerful.

“What’s wrong, is Spike…”

“No, he’s fine…. Nothing’s changed,” Buffy says moving a stray hair out of Dawn’s face. The worry in her younger sister’s eyes rivals her own.

“Are you okay,” Dawn asks and Buffy can’t help but smile at the thought of Dawn being concerned for her. Her little sister has grown up quite a bit.

“I’m just fine. Don’t worry Dawnie, I’m going to take care of you.” And Buffy knows she will, in one way or another. “Come here,” Buffy says and pulls Dawn up to her.

Dawn rests her head on Buffy’s shoulder and closes her eyes as her sister runs her fingers through her hair. In that moment Dawn feels truly comforted, it’s the first she’s felt completely taken care of since her mother died and for just a moment she lets herself believe that everything is going to turn out alright.

--

Hours later Spike lies still as the corpse he is. Buffy lies on her side facing him and wonders if he’ll wake in time, if he’ll ever wake at all. The chip fried his brain when he killed Holtz and Buffy wonders if there’s anything left of it. Wonders if it can repair the damage and if so what side effects may remain. Will he have memory loss; will he even remember her, their child? Buffy runs her fingers through his hair then coils up to his lifeless form. She rests her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes in an attempt to pretend that he’s still there with her.

Buffy has faced death before, she’s already played the martyr and she knows the role well. She has no qualms about giving up her life for that of her baby, her daughter; but she realizes now that this child has given her a reason to live, something she was lacking before its conception. She had wanted to die when they brought her back, wanted to return to heaven. Now she is only complacent in doing so because she knows she must. The one advantage she has this time is that she paid better attention to the signs; she knows what’s coming this time; figured it out sooner than the last. She can make her arrangements; set everything up for everyone else once she’s… gone again.

“There are things I need to tell you,” Buffy whispers to Spike, then after a moment of silence she gets out of bed. Buffy goes to her desk and pulls out a notebook and pen. She sits down in the chair and begins to write.

Chapter 22: Preparations

Five days later.

Buffy sits at the dining room table, papers laid out before her and a cup of hot coco at her side. Tiny marshmallows melt on its surface. Nothing’s changed; at least nothing that matters as far as the Slayer is concerned. Spike still lies lifeless and unconscious in her room. Angel and Cordelia are still hanging around even though they have no real reason to stay. Buffy knows though that Angel won’t leave until this is over, and she knows it won’t be over until the baby arrives, until she dies. One thing that has changed is the sever drop in temperature that’s uncommon for this time of year. It feels like winter outside and it’s a colder winter than should ever visit southern California.

“Hey Buff,” Xander says as he enters the dining room.

She looks up at him and he’s taken back for a moment. There are circles setting in beneath the Slayer’s eyes, she looks worn and weary. It seems as the days have grown colder she’s grown weaker. The blood doesn’t help anymore, nor sleep, nor anything else; every day despite anything she does she grows more tired, more frail. Upon seeing Xander though she smiles and it softens her.

“Hey Xander.”

“Watcha up to?” He asks taking a seat across from her at the table.

“Just filling out some paperwork from the hospital… actually I need you to go over a few things with me.”

“Sure thing Buffster, whatever you need,” Xander says eager to help in any way he can.

“Okay, um well… if you could read these over and sign them that would be a big help.”

“No problem.” Xander takes the papers that Buffy hands him.

She goes back to sorting through the other papers before her as he reads. She tries not to look at him as his face contorts trying to understand the words on the page.

“Buffy…” he turns to her and looks at her with fear in his eyes. “this is a custody form.”

“It’s just in case something happens, you and Anya are the most settled, I think you’d be the best to take the baby and look after Dawn.”

“Buffy, nothing’s gonna happen to you. You’re not gonna die, we won’t let that happen.” There’s true fear in his voice.

“Xander, it’s just a technicality,” she lies, “the hospital requires all this stuff.”

He looks at her disbelievingly for a moment then continues on reading. He flips past the custody agreement and looks on at another sheet which has been entitled Wishes, it doesn’t take Xander long however to realize that it’s her Last Wishes, it’s a will. There are detailed notes about Dawn, the house, what to do with her things including more specific instructions for her weapons which she cleverly refers to as work tools; Instructions on what to write her father, on what to bury her in. Then Spike…

“What’s this about Spike.”

Buffy sighs, that would be the one part Xander gets hung up on. He glossed right over her asking to be buried in anything other than a black frock and went straight to Spike. Not that what Buffy gets buried in means all that much to her, she knows she won’t be there to see it.

“It’s his daughter too Xander, I want him to be a part of her life, and if I’m not around I want it to be known that he deserves to get to know her.”

Xander leans back in his chair and he looks away from her, his eyes are cloudy with thought and his brow wrinkled. His shoulders are hunched as if he were carrying a heavy weight and he sighs. Xander sets the paper down on the table and looks up at Buffy. She can see the storm brewing in his eyes growing more turbulent with every second. It mirrors the fierce winter storm that she can feel coming on outside.

“Buffy, I don’t know what to think about any of this,” he says honestly.

For a moment Buffy can feel her eyes start to water. She holds back the tears though, and forces herself not to think about leaving them all behind.

“You don’t have to think about it, just a technicality remember. I just need a signature.”

Xander nods, but there is something there, something behind his cloudy eyes and stormy stare that lets Buffy know he’s not convinced that this is just a technicality. Something in his demeanor tells her that he knows. He sees what’s going on, but he doesn’t say anything.

--

The world is miles away from Willow’s mind. Sitting on the floor of her bedroom Indian style with her hands resting on her knees, eyes softly shut, and Tara sitting before her she’s tuned in to the even beating of her heart. She listens closely to the soft hum of her breath; she can feel the heat of her blood flowing through her veins. Willow meditates and finds herself truly at peace for the first time in a long time. There’s a strange euphoric high that comes with meditation. As she finds herself connected to everything and everyone through the buzzing energy and magic in the air all thoughts are pushed from her mind, all the business of life forgotten. All that remains is peace and tranquility.

Tara has been showing her how to be connected to the world in ways that she never knew before. She’s learning how everything is effected by everything she does and it’s helping her to understand how to prevent the dark magic from ever gaining control of her again. The strength, the power to keep it from taking over is all around her. She’s learning for the first time how to control the magic and not let it control her.

Willow lets out a deep breath and in her mind’s eye she can see her breath, the white puff of a vaporous cloud. Suddenly in her meditative state Willow finds herself connecting to something yet to come. A chill runs through her, freezing and hard. For a moment the cold hurts, like sharp needle picks of pain covering every surface of her skin, and then she feels as if she can’t breathe; she tries to take in air and it feels as if there’s no air left, as if what would fill her lungs would be some thicker substance. Her eyes snap open and Willow finds herself looking straight into Tara’s eyes. She gasps for breath. A look of fear and confusion reads on her girlfriend’s features as well. Now snapped out of her tranquility Willow lets out a deep breath expecting to see it before her, but she doesn’t.

The chill of the air is gone, the connection lost; but both Willow and Tara know they felt it. The foreboding sense of impending doom; a storm is coming.

--

“Yeah… no, thanks again for holding the fort down,” Angel says into the receiver of his phone. Wes is on the other line and after a week of Angel and Cordy being in Sunnydale he has a lot of questions.

“We’ve got things under control here Angel, but we are all wondering when you’re going to be back.”

“Yeah I know, with Holtz dead we could come home but…” Angel sighs he’s pacing the living room.

“But Buffy. You don’t want to leave her yet,” Wes says.

“Yeah, Buffy.” Angel spies her then. She comes around the corner of the dining room wrapped in a white afghan. She makes her way up the stairs moving slowly as if her legs were made of concrete and it takes all her weight just to bend her knees. She grips the railing so tightly that Angel fears she may splinter the wood. Her skin looks pale and translucent, her hair thing and spindly. There are blueish circles beneath her eyes and in those normally vibrant green orbs Angel knows he’ll find pain and worry.

“How is she?”

“She’s dying Wes.” Angel’s voice seems more ominous and deep then he thinks it ever has in his entire existence. There’s something truly tragic about seeing her in this state and a part of Angel wishes that he didn’t have to watch her wither like she is, but he can’t bear to be anywhere else.

“I’m sorry Angel, this all seems incredibly unfair.”

“I know… we should be home in about a week. I think by then this should all be over.”

Angel hangs up the phone without another word.

--

The room is dark. Willow, Tara, Anya and Xander sit around the glass table in Xander’s apartment. Only the light above their heads is lit, the rest of the room is shadowed in a heavy darkness. The pieces have all been coming together and the picture the puzzle makes is finally clear, they can tell once they put the last pieces in place that the image they create will be one of death.

“There has to be something we can do,” Willow says. “When I was meditating I had this feeling of being cold, but colder, frozen, so cold it hurt, and I couldn’t breathe. It had to be a sign, a warning for how to stop what’s coming.”

“You didn’t see her Will,” Xander responds. “She was so calm, so resolved, it was like she knows this is going to kill her and she’s just… accepted it. She’s getting everything in order to help us take care of Dawn and the baby once she’s… gone… again.”

“W-what’d the papers all say?” Tara asks.

“That if she were to… pass, that she wanted for Anya and I to take custody of the baby and Dawn.”

“We’ll that’s not that bad, I mean maybe she’s just being prepared, like any mother to be,” Willow suggests still trying to hold on to the idea that she was given a sign, a clue of how to stop this.

Xander shakes his head. “No, it was more detailed than that. She wants to sell the house and put it in a fund for Dawn and the baby, she has a life insurance policy set up, a very adamant note about Spike being involved, and… and just before I left she… she said to me she wasn’t going to sign a DNR, but that her wishes were that she had a DNMR… Do not magically resuscitate… she laughed about it but…”

“She was serious.”

“Yeah,” Xander rubs his face and sighs in frustration. “I just don’t get it. Why does she have to die? Forget the prophecy and all of it. Women have babies all the time and they don’t die. This isn’t like Darla. She’s not a vampire.” Xander sulks. He knows Buffy was trying to keep them all from knowing what happened to Connor’s mother, but it wasn’t that hard to figure out.

“No, but the baby is, at least half,” Anya says.

“The baby is human,” Willow says.

“Half human,” Anya clarifies. “Humans have human babies, humans are born through life. Vampires are born through death. To make a vampire someone has to die.”

“It’s all about balance,” Tara adds, her voice solemn. “Vampires can’t create without taking something else away. Darla sacrificed herself so her baby could live.”

“Then we have to find something else to take away, they can’t take Buffy, it’s just not fair,” Xander pleads. “They already took her once.”

“Twice,” Willow adds.

“Maybe we’re not supposed to do anything,” Anya says and all eyes turn to her, “What? I’m sorry, but we obviously were never supposed to bring her back in the first place.”

“Ayn,” Xander scolds.

“What? I don’t know why you always get upset when I say the truth; I know you’ve all thought it.”

No one says a word, and it’s obvious that the thought had crossed their minds as well.

“I t-think some things are just meant to happen,” Tara says. “Maybe we can’t stop it.”

Inside Xander is screaming in his mind that no, there must be a way. There’s always a way, but even he keeps quiet as he wonders if this really is just it.

23. Arrangements

Buffy looks at the toddler that Angel holds in his arms beneath the boardwalk and her fingers move across the red silk fabric covering her flat belly. Down the beach the waves grow more violent and the clouds grow dark. A storm is coming. She turns back to Spike with fear and worry in her eyes. The wind has picked up and Buffy’s hair is spiraling fiercely around her.

“Where’s my baby?” Buffy asks him, her breath visible in the cold night air.

Spike doesn’t answer.

He steps closer to her and brings his hand up to run along her cheekbone. Buffy closes her eyes feeling his icy skin upon hers, and then he leans in and kisses her. His soft, cold lips are comforting and Buffy falls into him letting the feeling of his lips on hers take her away from her thoughts. She wraps her arms around his neck and her eyes close. She kisses him back with passion, leaning forward to stand on her tippy toes to better reach him. Her fingers play with the baby hairs at the back of his neck, his run through her hair.

Then they part and Buffy’s eyes flutter open. She’s looking into the turbulent blue depths of Spike’s eyes, but in the periphery of her vision there is something else. Small and shiny specks flutter in the distance. Buffy looks around and finds that it’s snowing. Soft white flakes slowly fall from the heavens and start to cover the sand turning everything white. A shiver runs down Buffy’s spine. It’s suddenly freezing cold.

Buffy’s eyes pop open, she breathes deep as if she were drowning and just came up for air. Waking from this dream was like breaking the surface of the sea and finally being able to breathe again. Quickly she sits up and looks around wildly as if forgetting where she is. The dreams have gotten more and more real every time, but for sure this dream was the most real of them all. The feeling of Spike’s fingers on her skin, the feeling of his lips against hers, the chill in the air, it was all too real. She runs her hands through her hair and sighs. It’s all getting too close. All Buffy can think is that she needs more time.

Buffy lies back down and curls up against Spike’s lifeless form. She rests her head on his chest and closes her eyes trying to pretend that he’s really there with her. She pretends that he’s running his fingers through her hair, or kissing her forehead, or even doing something so simple as breathing in his sleep - as if he were dreaming of being alive. She imagines it so well that she thinks she can actually feel his chest rise and fall, actually hear him sigh; and then Buffy’s eyes pop open. She holds her breath and lies as still as possible and then she feels it again. The slight lifting of his chest, the rise and fall of his breath, the subtle sigh through his lips, she sits up and looks down at him, and she sees his eyes twitch beneath their shut lids.

For a moment she worries that she’s hallucinating, that her desire to have him here with her is causing her to see things. But then he moves again, just a twitch, but it was there.

“Spike,” Buffy says her voice an astonished whisper.

His eyes twitch again.

“Spike,” she says again a little louder, and now her hand is on his chest needing to touch him. She feels him move, just slightly, a tremor of a waking dream. And then his eyes open.

Buffy feels her breath catch in her throat as she stares down at his bright blue eyes. They look at her with astonishment, with longing and need as he tries to take in every line of her face. He seems to be trying to convince himself of what he’s seeing.

“Buffy,” he says in a whisper and Buffy finds her eyes watering.

He reaches out for her and as his fingers reach her face his eyes tear up. He thinks about looking down to her belly but can’t bring himself to do it. An image of Holtz swinging his axe at her flashes into his mind and Spike turns his head and looks away from her fearful of what he might see if he looks at her for too long.

“Spike, what’s wrong,” Buffy says with worry in her voice. She wonders if he remembers her, if he remembers anything, if the chip truly did destroy his brain.

“I can’t… I know I was too late, I just, I can’t see you without, can’t knowing that she’s gone.”

Through his jumbled speech Buffy realizes that Spike thinks Holtz killed their baby.

“Spike, please, look at me.”

“Buffy, please I can’t.”

She grabs his hand then and he’s glad to feel her fingers entwining around his. Then she brings their tangled hands closer to her body and sets his hand upon her round belly. She feels him palming her stomach, hears him sigh, and then slowly he turns to look at her. His eyes are still filled with worry as they land on her and then she can see as relief floods through him, relief and awe.

“I’m a fortress of protection; nothing can get through to this little girl.” Buffy says. She keeps to herself though that that means not even birth will allow her daughter to meet this world. This pregnancy can’t end until one of them is dead.

Spike is sitting up in seconds bringing his other hand to join the one that rests on her belly. She’s gotten so big. Spike finds a hard time even processing the life that he holds in his hands. He feels her stretch, his daughter, pressing a hand out to touch his. Some alien arm trying to break through the barrier of Buffy’s flesh. It’s a strange feeling, but a wonderful one all the same. Thousands of thoughts are running through his head, relief, fear, astonishment; all of them a jumbled mess making him want to laugh and cry at the same time. Her tiny fingers reach to his once again and he feels them making ripples in Buffy’s skin. Spike smiles.

“She’s okay,” Spike says.

“It’s our job to protect her.”

“Till the end of the world.”

--

Cordelia walks into the living room to see Angel sitting on the sofa staring pensively at the bassinette which contains his sleeping son. He’s lost so deep in thought that he doesn’t notice her enter. She walks over to him expecting him to realize she’s there, but he doesn’t.

“Hello,” Cordy says waving her hand in front of his face.

Angel snaps to attention.“Sorry, hi, I was just…”

“Thinking, yeah guessed that. What’s on your mind big guy?”

“The future,” Angel looks back to the bassinette. “He’s gonna need clothes, toys, weekly allowance. What's good nowadays? Fifty cents? A dollar?”

Cordy laughs.“Yeah, if you're Tom Sawyer painting a fence.”

“See, I’m so outta touch.”

Cordelia sits down next to him on the sofa. “Don’t worry, you have time.”

“Do I though? It all goes by so fast, what if I let it get away from me,” he’s locked his eyes on hers now. “Let it slip through my hands and then realize one day that I didn’t do something when I had the chance and then it’s gone?” He’s looking into her deeply, his brow creased, eyes searching hers.

“We’re not talking about Connor anymore are we?”

“No,” Angel sighs. “Cordy, look I have something I need to…”

“Angel stop.”

Her eyes flutter and Angel feels a pain in his chest, worry. She brings her hand up to his face and strokes his cheekbone then her eyes lock on his again and she leans in. They kiss with a thrill of excitement rushing through them. Angel brings his hand to run up her back and pulls her closer to him. They both feel overjoyed finally feeling one another in the way they’ve started to crave being together. The release of pent up tension makes them both smile into their kiss and they part. Cordelia sighs. As she pulls away Angel can see the large grin that crosses her face.

“Angel I love you, and I mean really love you, in love with you, I think I have been for a long time and maybe on some level I’ve always known, but I just wouldn’t let myself know, ya know.” Cordy takes a breath, Angel finds himself speechless. “I’m scared right now, but I know it’s right, I know somehow that it’s going to be alright.”

Angel nods. “I know what you mean… I… Cordelia, I feel the same way.”

She smiles.“So what now?”

“I’m not sure, it’s been a while since I’ve been in this situation,” Angel says with a laugh.

“I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”

“So, that’s it, we’re really gonna give this thing a go?” He asks, his eyes searching hers.

“Unless you’re having second thoughts already?” She says with a laugh.

“No, not at all.”

“Well good, cause I think we’ve been moving in this direction for some time already. There’s no turning back now.”

He smiles at her and his eyes flutter down to her lips.

“Hey,” Buffy says as she enters the living room startling its occupants.

Both Cordelia and Angel turn to face her, their moment broken. They see her looking as if she actually has a glow about her for the first time in days and then they see the reason why. Spike stands behind her; his hair is a tousled pile of white curls, his body still regrouping.

“Spike,” Angel says surprised. Part of him had wondered if Spike was truly done for, thought that maybe one day his vampire body would realize that his brain was un-reparable and he would just dissolve into dust right there in Buffy’s bed. But here he is. For a moment Angel thinks that it would be just like Spike to not let even possible dusting keep him down. He was, if nothing else, resilient.

“How are you?” Cordelia asks, “I mean, your brain didn’t get melted into mush and make you forget who we all are and make you want to kill us did it?”

“Ah, no… had a bit of a headache when I woke, but otherwise I’m feeling right as rain.”

“Good,” Angel says as if trying to convince himself of it.

For a moment all four of them stand speechlessly and an uncomfortable silence overcomes the room.

“Well, I’m going to get a nip of blood, ‘m feeling a bit peckish,” Spike says then walks toward the kitchen. Buffy watches him go then turns back to Angel and Cordy.

The glow around her seems to darken and her expression turns serious. “Don’t tell him,” she says looking straight at Angel then she turns and follows after Spike.

24. Closer

Two Days Later:

Buffy wakes from a nap and sees Spike standing before the crib Xander made for her on the other side of the room. From beneath the covers she watches Spike run his fingers along the rim of the crib. As she sits up he turns to face her.

“You’re up,” he says and Buffy smiles. Then he makes his way over to her and sits on the bed.

Buffy can tell that he’s worried about her. She knows he can see the circles under her eyes, he can see how warn out she is, how weak; just like everyone else.

“How are you?” He asks and she forces a smile.

“Good… I um, I’ve been thinking about names, would you… would you maybe want to help me pick one.” Buffy watches the light sparkle behind his eyes and knows she’s succeeded in distracting him from her dying for a moment.

“Yeah, I’d love to… what’ve you got so far.”

Buffy smiles a genuine smile this time and reaches for the notebook and baby name book that sit on her nightstand. She pulls them into her lap and Spike moves to sit beside her in bed. He looks over her shoulder at her notebook and the scribbling she has there.

“I like Ashley, but I feel like it’s too popular.”

“Want something more unique then… like Buffy,” Spike teases.

“Hey now, I like Buffy.”

Spike chuckles. “Okay, okay, what else.”

“I like Jordyn, or Linnie… but I don’t know, I want to find something that has more meaning… I thought about Destiny, or Hope, but they’re too… I don’t know, too obvious.”

“Well let’s have a look-see at this then,” Spike says grabbing the name book out of her lap and begins to flip through it. She watches the various expressions flash by his eyes as he reads one name after another. “Here we go, Abigail, means joy of the father,” Spike says with a grin and Buffy smiles, but then she shakes her head ‘no’. “No? Alright…” Spike flips halfway through the book. “Kalila, means beloved.”

“It’s pretty.”

“But not it,” Spike concludes from her tone of voice. He flips back to the front of the book. “Ashlyn,” he says, this time in a hushed voice as if he were reading it to himself, “Ashlyn,” he says again deciding he likes it, “means dream or vision.”

Images of Buffy’s dream, of walking on the beach with cotton candy clouds flutters through her mind. Spike looks to her and can see her thinking about it.

“We could call her Linnie for short,” he says and sees Buffy nodding her head as she thinks about it.

“Ashlyn Joyce Summers,” Buffy says, “I like the sound of that.”

They both smile at one another then Spike reaches out to her and rests his hand on her stomach. Buffy lays her hands atop his and looks down at the weave of their fingers, gold and ivory crisscrossing over the red fabric of her shirt. They look up at the same time and their eyes meet. Emerald and Sapphire, both sparkling like gemstones as they stare at one another.

Spike’s eyes waver back and forth between Buffy’s eyes and lips. His other hand lifts to trace along her jawbone. She leans into his chilly, feather-light touch and closes her eyes. Then, unconsciously Buffy leans in closer, her lips parting just ever so slightly. When she opens her eyes she sees his divert their attention from her lips to stare into her green orbs once again. Her breath catches in her throat as she waits in anticipation for whatever comes next. In this moment she realizes how much she wants him to kiss her. And then he does. Spike leans in and runs his hand through her hair as his lips meet hers.

His hand on her stomach holds her tighter and slides to her side to pull her closer to him. Her hands move to hold him as well, one snaking up around his neck and the other resting on his thigh. He kisses her deep, his hands holding her tight trying to pull her closer. Spike is leaning in to kiss her as her round belly is pressed up tight against him. He wants to feel her flush against him, feel her breasts pushed up against his chest, but her belly’s in the way. Her fingers pull at his hair and kneed his leg. They both feel the want, the need to be close. They kiss hungrily and try to pull themselves closer.

Then Spike pulls away and sighs. He leans his forehead against hers and drops his hands to her belly, palming it like he would a basketball. Buffy sighs as well; they’re both feeling the awkwardness of having their baby between them. Spike kisses Buffy’s forehead then pulls away from her.

“Things are different now, between us, aren’t they?” Spike asks, allowing himself to say us, one word he avoided speaking before her for so long. He knows though that it won’t send her running this time.

Buffy nods. “Yeah, they are.”

They stare at one another for a moment in comfortable silence, smiles pulling at both their lips. The hope of something to come for them; hope for the future, for a relationship, this hope swarms in both their minds. It’s a bubbling happiness that makes them giddy to the point of giggling. Thoughts of being a real family, a real couple; the possibilities for what’s to come after the baby’s born send waves of excitement through them both.

Then Buffy’s smile begins to fade. She realizes that there is no hope for these things. No possibility of a relationship with Spike after the baby’s born; no possibility of a life for her at all. Her death is looming on the horizon like a thunder storm waiting to break. The smile vanishes from her face and her eyes start to grow dark.

“Spike,” Buffy says, “I need to ask you a favor.”

“Anything love.”

“Under the bed,” Spike makes a move to get up, but Buffy stops him, “no, not now… later, I don’t know when exactly, but when the time comes you’ll know…”

Spike's brow is drawn tight. “When the baby comes?”

“Yeah… yeah, when the baby comes… um, there’s a box, a shoebox under the bed, when the time comes I want you to open it.”

“Okay,” Spike says as if expecting her to say more, “that’s it, not gonna tell me anything else?”

Buffy’s eyes rock back and forth and her lips thin.

“No… it’ll all make sense when the time’s right,” Buffy says then leans forward and kisses Spike on the lips one last time. When she pulls away he looks at her with deep rooted fear in his eyes.

--

“Where’s my baby?” Buffy asks Spike again as they stand beneath the boardwalk on the beach.

The snow is falling more heavily around them now. Its flakes land on her red silk dress and soak through the fabric, they land on her skin and melt sending shivers coursing through her. As the flakes land on her lashes she watches Spike through blurred vision turn his head and face the water. Blinking the snowflakes away she follows his gaze.

She’s shivering now as the ocean comes into sight. She crosses her arms rubbing her hands up and down trying to warm herself, but it’s no use. Her teeth chatter and she feels Spike lean toward her from behind. She can feel his chilly breath inches from her ear.

“Go now,” Spike says in a whisper and slowly Buffy walks toward the water.

Then after a few steps she sees it. Beneath the waves that come crashing into the shore there is something floating beneath the surface. Blonde hair swirls around and is dragged back and forth with the tide. Buffy takes off running. The snow flies in her face, the cold air blows at her skin, but she doesn’t slow down, doesn’t stop. She splashes into the freezing water without hesitation, dives in, and begins swimming out to her baby.

The icy water makes it hard to breathe; it’s so cold it feels like needles against her skin. Sharp, cold pain. Buffy takes a deep breath as she comes up for air feeling like she’s in the spot where she saw her daughter’s hair beneath the water. Frantically she looks around, but does not see her. Buffy spins around in the water splashing violently and looks back at the shore. There she sees Spike standing at the edge of the water; in his arms he holds a young girl with blonde hair and brilliant blue eyes. Buffy gasps for air and spits up water as she struggles to stay afloat. She brushes a strand of wet hair out of her eyes and continues to tread water, but she’s quickly growing tired.

“Spike,” She tries to yell, but just ends up swallowing water. She tastes the sea salt and looks toward the shore through blurry vision, her legs grow tired, her muscles are worn. The ocean tide pulls at her dragging her under, and then with one last glance at Spike and her baby Buffy is sucked down beneath the surface.

Buffy’s eyes snap open. It’s time. Beside her Spike lies fast asleep, his arm resting protectively across her; and through the window Buffy sees snow falling to the ground. It’s a white haze beyond the window pane and Buffy knows the storm has broken. She leans over to Spike and kisses him on the forehead then slowly and quietly she slips out beneath his grasp. Buffy grabs the notepad and pen from off her nightstand and rips a page free. She writes a short letter then folds the paper in half and leaves it resting on her side of the bed.

--

She pulled out of the driveway in her mother’s SUV. For a moment Buffy had worried that it wouldn’t start, but once she turned the key she knew even if the engine had been dead the Powers that Be would have seen to it that it’d be running. For as many things that are out there against her, for as much darkness that there is seeking to harm her baby, Buffy knows that there are powerful sources rooting for her as well. She has good energy on her side.

The slayer has parked the SUV. It sits practically on the beach as Buffy was unable to see where the road ended and the sand began. The snow has grown nearly four inches thick on the ground and falls from the sky in thick clumps. Now she walks barefoot toward the board walk wearing nothing but a thin silk nightgown and her mother’s white afghan across her shoulders.

Her toes are so cold that she can’t feel them anymore; most of her exposed skin has gone numb. She squints as she tries to see through the snow and sleet that is raining down toward her face. Her fingers tighten, twisting into the knit of the afghan as she pulls it tighter to her and step by step she moves toward the water.

Finally her feet stop making prints in the snow as she stands still at the end of the dock. The wind whistles past her ears, snowflakes catch in her eyelashes. She sighs and looks out at the turbulent crashing waves of the ocean through the misty white air of her breath. Buffy drops the afghan that lies across her shoulders and it falls to the snowy ground leaving her shoulders bare to the freezing elements. Then she brings her right hand up to her head. Her fingers are wrapped tightly around a cell phone. She turns it on and types in 9 1 1.

Her hand is trembling and her teeth chattering as she listens to the ringing through the line. Then finally after what seemed like an eternity of standing on this frozen dock a woman’s voice answers.

“Nine one one, what’s your emergency.”

“I’m at Hendry’s beach, send an ambulance.” The woman on the other end begins to say something but Buffy hangs up. She drops the phone and it falls into the snow.

Her toes curl over the edge of the frozen wood and she wraps her arms tighter around her fully pregnant belly. The white fabric of her silk nightgown sticks to her skin as it begins to dampen with the moisture of the falling snow and the Slayer shivers. She looks out at the deathly depths of the sea watching the falling snow melt into the waves and then she steps off the dock.

25. Undertaking

Cordelia gasps for air in her sleep. She feels like her ribcage is contracting, feels cold and wet. Her heartbeat speeds up to a frantic pace. In her dreams her eyes are open but she sees nothing but a dark murky blue. The sensations get more intense, it feels like needles are piercing every inch of her flesh, feels like she’s being pulled to and fro, back and forth, swaying in an icy darkness. Then for a short moment she sees something more. Her head emerges, breaking the surface of the water and she knows where she is. She sees the snow falling around her, feels the waves pull her with the ocean tide, and she sees the frosty dock of a beach she remembers well from her youth.

Cordelia’s eyes snap open and she sits up startled. She shivers as remnants of her vision still linger. The pull out sofa shifts with her movement and she sees Angel is startled awake.

--

Spike isn’t sure exactly what wakes him, maybe it’s the loss of the metronome of Buffy’s heartbeat, or that of their baby. Maybe it's the loss of her body heat that stirs him from sleep, or maybe it’s a wakeup call from the powers that be; but what Spike does know is that he’s now alone in bed and beyond the blinds of the window snowflakes and sleet are frosting up the glass. He’s not alarmed, not worried, simply suspects that Buffy has gotten up to use the bathroom or attend to some other human chore; that is until he sees the note that lies on the bed beside him. His brow creases as he picks it up.

After the first few words Spike wants to drop it and run after her, but he knows this letter is important and reads on until he finishes the last line. Then he rushes out of bed and down the hall pulling a shirt on over his head as he goes. He makes his way down the stairs and only slows after he sees Angel in the doorway throwing his coat on. To the right Cordelia stands with a worried expression.

“Where is she?” Spike asks, no further explanation of what’s going on is needed. He knows, this is it, they all know it.

“Hendry’s beach,” Cordelia replies and Angel walks out the door with Spike behind him. Neither says another word as they get in Angel’s car, neither need to. There is an unspoken understanding of the situation, they both know what they’re chasing after and know that arguing over any little detail will only cost them valuable time.

As they drive through the blurry storm Spike replays the words of her letter over in his head.

Spike, there are so many things that need to be said that I won’t get a chance to say, but at least I can give you a piece of what you deserve to hear.

Angel takes a corner tightly and the convertible fishtails. Spike grabs the dash and glares at Angel but says nothing. Time is too precious now.

The box below the bed will explain everything, I’ve written letters for everyone. Please try not to think of them as goodbyes, but as a part of me I’ve left behind.

Angel cranks the steering wheel back to the left as the car starts to spin on the icy road. The drive may feel a bit like a carnival ride that’s lost a few screws, but the speed they maintain is what’s important. Both Spike and Angel know they’re making good time, but they both worry that it won’t be good enough.

I’m sorry that it has to end like this, but you have to trust me when I say there was no other way. She is what’s most important, Ashlyn, our daughter, I know you’ll take care of her.

The beach is in sight, and so is the flashing red and white lights of the ambulance and fire truck that rest there. Their lights cast a soft glow through the falling snow. Buffy’s SUV is parked crookedly on the snow covered sand and Angel pulls up beside it.

Spike is out of the car before Angel even has it in park.

You mean a lot to me Spike. I just wish I had taken the time to say the words, but even now they scare me. You were always something different Spike, and I think I’ve felt this way about you long before I ever realized who you really are.

Spike runs down the beach, he leaves footprints behind him that Angel follows.

It took me a long time to understand, but now I get it. I get who you are, not just what you are.

EMT’s are on the snow covered sand and walk to shore from the freezing water.

You’re a good man, Spike. Know that this was all real, every moment of it, every moment with us, and remember me for the good times we had. I’m sorry they were so few and far between.

The paramedics push the gurney into the back of the ambulance and shut the doors. Spike reaches one of them quickly but the man holds his arms out to signal that Spike can’t come any closer.

“Where is she?” He yells through the storm then looks at the ambulance where he knows she was just brought inside of. Angel comes up just behind him. “Let me see her.”

“We can’t,” the EMT says as the ambulance starts to drive away. “She’s in too critical of condition; they’re taking her to Sunnydale General.”

I love you Spike, and my time here being brought back, even though it’s been hard, even though it won’t last. It’s been a blessing because it brought us together, it gave us this miracle.

Spike watches the ambulance speed away then turns to a police officer standing on the beach. His expression is frantic and he grabs the man by the shoulders.

“Is she okay, God, just tell me that she’s alive.” He shakes the man slightly, “Tell me!” he yells.

“I don’t know if she’ll make it, she’s hypothermic, She was in that water too long, really man, there’s isn’t a lot of hope…” the man says honestly.

Angel sets his hand on Spike’s shoulder. Spike turns to face the older vampire.

“Spike, we have to go. They’ve got her, there’s nothing more we can do.”

Take care of our miracle, Love Buffy.

--

Dawn walks into the hospital waiting room to see the Scoobies already sitting around with glum faces. Xander is pacing nervously, Anya sits fiddling with her fingers beside Tara and Willow who stares dejectedly into the thin air. The younger Summers crosses her arms as she looks on at them. Xander had picked them up, and they drove to the hospital in a very crowded car. They shushed her and assured her that things would be alright, but she can tell by looking at them that she knows they don’t think it.

When they first got to the hospital Dawn diverted from the group and went to the ladies room where she splashed her face with cold water and took a moment to breathe. She felt like she was going to lose her sister and would be left with no one. The family that she’s been expecting to grow is suddenly falling apart. Sure she’ll have the Scoobies, but they will never be the same as true family, as a sister. No one will ever look after her like Buffy did and in that moment she realizes just how much she will miss Buffy nagging her about school, about eating right, or checking in when she’s gone to a friend’s house. She will miss the overbearing moments when all she wanted to do was rebel. Buffy had her best interest in sight, and while the Scoobies care they never will be there the way Buffy had.

Now looking at them all waiting in the room before her she can see the concern they have and knows they’re all thinking of themselves first, how will they live without Buffy, how will they cope. But that’s okay, Dawn resigns herself in that moment to grow up and take care of herself from now on. There comes a time in everyone’s life to put away with childish things, Buffy did it a long time ago, did it to save the world, to look after her, and Dawn knows that now is her time to do the same.

Then Spike walks in.

The blonde vampire rushes into the room in a frantic state. His hair and clothes are disheveled and wet from the falling snow. His eyes flash around the room taking in everything he sees, and then his eyes land on Dawn. Her blue orbs grow big as she sees him and her shoulders shrug, she unfolds her arms and crumbles just a little bit.

The rest of Spike’s world vanishes for a moment and he goes to her wrapping her up in a tight hug. He holds her the way he wants to hold Buffy just now. Holds her close and tight as if to try and protect her, or to assure himself that she’s safe.

In that moment Dawn realizes that she still has him, will always have him and no matter what he’ll be there to look after her, to protect her. He’s become a piece of her family.

She’ll still have to look after herself if Buffy dies, she’ll still lose her sister, but knowing she still has Spike is some kind of relief. Neither one of them knows what will happen next, nor do any of the Scoobies. Buffy could die, probably will die, and quite possible the baby as well, but on the Hellmouth things like death are never certain.

--

In the operating room doctors move frantically around the slayers body. A doctor pumps at her chest performing CPR, it’s the only movement that keeps her heart going. Buffy lies on a gurney in the emergency room, her skin white, her lips blue, eyes closed. Bright lights shine overhead making her skin look translucent and white. In the background monitors buzz and beep, and all around her there is frantic movement in an effort to save her life.

“We need to warm her up,” one of the doctors says. Others move around with heated blankets to lie across her.

“The baby’s heartbeat is starting to slow,” another man says.

“We need to get the baby out.”

“But, the hypothermia, we have to warm her up or we’ll lose her.” Everyone pauses for a moment.

“If we can’t save her we’ll lose the baby too… we need to get the baby out now.”

For just a second the doctor performing CPR stops. Her chest doesn’t rise or fall, her heart doesn’t beat. She’s clinically dead. The cold has sucked the life out of her.

They move fast removing the blankets and prepare Buffy for a C-section.

26. Miracles

As Dr. Kirkwood holds the tiny newborn girl in his arms covered in her mother’s blood he thinks that there can’t be anything more beautiful. Looking down at her all the sound in the room seems to vanish, her first breath screams, the voices of the other emergency room doctors, the whirring and beeping of machines, even the ring of a flat lined heart monitor, all of it soundless to Kirkwood in the presence of this child. She is a true miracle, a tiny glimmer of hope delivered in the wake of death and destruction. Only a second passes, but it feels so much longer to the doctor, far more accustomed to seeing death in a town like Sunnydale, who holds the power of life in his hands.

“Doctor!” A nurse yells and Kirkwood looks up. The sound rushes back to his ears, whirring, buzzing, screams of a newborn child, and the frantic flat line screech of Buffy’s heartbeat monitor. Kirkwood hands the baby over to a nurse standing by and goes back to reviving Buffy from her frozen state.

--

Spike spots the doctor first. The young resident comes around the corner with a clipboard in his hand as Spike approaches, his nerves rattling with fear. Spike had been pacing, unable to sit as the anxiety coursed through his veins making him itch for something to do. In one long stride he’s standing before the doctor, behind him Angel stands from his seated position next to Cordelia who holds baby Connor.

The young man looks from one vampire to the next and his grasp on the clipboard trembles; he doesn’t know what they are but in a town like Sunnydale you learn to take the tingly feelings that tell you to be scared very seriously.

“How is she,” Spike demands. His eyes search that of the doctors with fear and worry.

The doctor takes a step back; he knows the outcome for the Summer’s woman isn’t good, saw Dr. Kirkland rush to try and save her, and in the eyes of the man before him he can see a glimmer of yellow. He freezes up and is unable to speak.

“Well,” Spike says again and the man opens his mouth to speak but cannot produce a sound.

Spike grabs the doctor by the shoulders and holds him tight, he shakes him roughly.

“How is she,” he says again, his fingers becoming tighter around the doctor’s arms. Now the young resident is truly scared, but so is Spike. The vampire grabs tighter and shakes him again; the man’s eyes go down to look at his arm which is being crushed under the Spike’s grasp.

“Spike stop, you’re hurting him,” Dawn says, and instantly Spike loosens his grasp as he turns to cast her a glance. He catches out of the corner of his eye the look that Xander casts at him as well, but ignores him and turns back to the doctor.

He drops his arms back to his sides freeing the young man and realizes then just how tightly he’d been holding him. It’s then that Spike feels a hand on his shoulder and looks back to see Angel standing behind him. Spike steps away running his hands through his hair and sighing in frustration. Angel now steps up before the young and startled man.

“Buffy Summers,” Angel says as calm as he can manage, “How is she?”

The doctor twitches and fumbles his clipboard, then finally thoughts return to him, finally he finds his words. He sighs then looks over the group before him.

“Things are still critical. The baby was born via C-section and has been moved to the neonatal intensive care unit, her body temperature is still a little low, but she has a strong heartbeat and overall appears to be a healthy baby girl.”

Spike’s eyes tear up. “And Buffy,” the blonde vampire asks, “How’s Buffy.” The doctor takes a breath.

“She’s still in the E.R. We’re doing everything we can for her, but… I think you might want to prepare yourselves that Miss Summer’s might not make it through.” The doctor looks away as Spike’s face crumbles.

He feels the weight hit him, makes him feel like all of his limbs are made of lead. It’s now that Spike finally sits down. All the anxiety has left his body, all the worry gone; now all that remains is dread.

“I’m going to check on the infant,” the doctor says, “if she’s well enough for visitors I’ll be back shortly.”

--

The paddles of the defibrillator are pressed against the Slayer’s chest.

“Now,” the doctor yells and electricity pulses through the machine and into Buffy’s body making her arch off the gurney.

The doctors watch as the green light on the heart beat monitor spikes then flat lines once again.

“Again,” the doctor calls.

--

Spike stares into the abyss. He’s lost her and he knows it, can feel it, and his heart pains him in a way he’s never felt before. When she died not even a year ago he felt his heart break; but now, losing her after all they’ve shared he feels his heart shatter.

Xander is shooting daggers Spike's way, Willow is whispering to him not to make a scene, but Spike ignores them. Before him Dawn sits between Tara and Cordelia, both the white witch and the sorceress offer their comfort but Dawn seems to have drawn within herself. Anya is solemn sitting on the other side of Xander being quiet as a church mouse and Angel paces in the distance.

Spike feels himself sinking, the darkness, the despair, it’s all pulling him down, and then the doctor returns. Spike refuses to look up.

“They’ve moved the Summer’s baby out of the NICU, you can go see her if you’d like.”

At this Spike looks up. His daughter is okay, his daughter has been born and is healthy and alive and well. He stands up.

--

Xander and Anya walk at the back of the group. Willow and Tara are before them and Dawn walks beside Spike in the front of the line as they follow the doctor to the exhibition glass where all the babies are lined up for all to see. Angel, Cordelia and baby Connor remain in the waiting room. Xander’s arms are crossed and his eyes glued on Spike with a heated glare. Anya rolls her eyes at him then sighs.

“Will you knock it off,” Anya says and Xander glances at her, shocked.

“He hurt that doctor,” Xander says, “it’s obvious his chip has stopped working, probably backfired when he killed that man.”

“Right, that man, Holtz, remember how he was trying to kill us all?”

“That’s not the point, the point is that Spike’s off the leash and no one seems to care.”

“No, they don’t, probably because Buffy is most likely dying and no offense but that seems a little more important than Spike’s chip right now.”

They’ve stopped walking as the observation window is only a few feet away. Dawn, Willow and Tara stand up close to the glass, and Spike follows the doctor around through a door.

“You don’t think I know that, that’s exactly what has me so worried. This is on us now Ayn, you and me to take care of Dawn and that little baby and Buffy told me she wanted us to let Spike be involved, how can we do that? How can we even trust him with the baby?”

Xander sighs worried that he won’t be able to take on this much responsibility, worried that he can’t handle it, that he can’t make the right decisions and abide by Buffy’s wishes as well.

“Guys,” Dawn says turning away from her view through the glass to look at them, “just look.”

Xander and Anya both look to Dawn then step up to the glass. Before them are two rows of babies wrapped up in pink and blue blankets. Xander watches as a nurse in pink scrubs leads Spike to one tiny newborn wrapped in a pink blanket. His eyes lock on the small child for a moment, she’s so small, so fragile. Her eyes are closed, tiny hands fisted and soft fuzz of blonde hair rests on her head. This is what Buffy had been fighting for, what she gave her life for. Looking at her, actually seeing her for the first time Xander begins to understand everything that he’d been missing.

The nurse picks the baby girl up and Xander watches as she hands her to Spike. He watches as the vampire takes his tiny fragile daughter into his arms so carefully and looks down at her as if she were the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen in his entire existence. For the first time Xander looks at Spike and sees something in him that he never has before. Xander looks at Spike and doesn’t see a vampire, or a killer, not even an annoying pest. He looks at him and sees a scared nervous man holding a miracle in his arms. Spike looks down at her with wonder and love and Xander sees it all. He sees a man willing to do anything for his family.

For a moment everything becomes clear to Xander. Spike holds his daughter in his arms, his blue eyes begin to water and his throat is choked up. Xander sees that Spike has realized what’s important in life, but Xander has realized it as well. He looks to Anya looks at her looking on at Spike holding his daughter and thinks of all the fears he had about marrying her, thinks about his fears of growing up, and in that moment they all dissolve.

He knows he wants to be with this woman for the rest of his life, knows he wants to grow old with her and one day raise a family with her, one day have a miracle of his own. Xander knows that he would do anything to protect her, he’d die for her, kill for her, change everything that he is for her; and now Xander understands how Spike is capable of the same thing. In this moment everything clicks for Xander. He looks back at Spike and grabs Anya’s hand as he does. She coils her fingers around his.

--

“Again,” Dr. Kirkwood says and the defibrillator paddles are against Buffy’s flesh once again rushing electricity through her lifeless body. She arches off the table. The heart monitor beeps, then beeps, and beeps again. It’s an erratic beat. Kirkwood as well as the other doctors in the room hold their breath for a moment as they look to the heart monitor wondering if it will continue to beep and even out to a consistent beat or flat line again. It beeps again then after a moment, beep, and slowly a consistent pattern of beeping flows from the heartbeat monitor.

27. Beautiful

Pieces of fact and fiction flutter back into Buffy’s brain like a fractured dream. The water had been so cold and it constricted her making it near impossible to breathe, but the snowflakes. She remembers their clear crystalline branches, jutting out like perfect spokes from one central point. They had stuck to her lashes blurring her vision. She remembers walking through snow, remembers inhaling a deep breath of salty sea water. She remembers the icy waves, remembers icy hands. She submerged herself in the water, let the tide suck her in. A chill ran up her side as cold digits traced across soft skin. She swayed with the current. Cold lips kissed her neck, cold hands held her bare hips. She was sucked in, pulled under. The cold consumed her.

Bright light assaults her vision as she opens her eyes. Through just a sliver green eyes peer out with hazy vision. Spots of golden sunlight mingle among the harsh fluorescents. She hears a beeping and the whirr of a large machine. She smells the soft perfume of roses mixed in with an overbearing aroma of chemical cleanliness. With a sigh she pushes the rest of her sleep away and opens her eyes completely.

At first Buffy finds herself shocked at the sight of the hospital room around her. She doesn’t remember how she got here, but then slowly it all comes back to her. Her hands move down to her now bump-less belly and she feels a sense of emptiness, then she looks around the room. It’s spotlessly clean, tope walls with white trim, a vase with yellow roses sits on the table across the room, and in the arm chair in the corner she sees Spike sleeping. He sits in the shadows just beyond the deadly rays of the sun, curled up in an unnatural and seemingly uncomfortable position. She stares at him; sleep makes his features seem softer. His hair lies in a mess of blonde curls and his eyes twitch beneath their lids.

Then as if he can feel her gaze upon him Spike wakes up, his eyes open and find her immediately. Neither says a word as he sits up straight staring at her the entire time. He thought he lost her, and now here she is.

“Buffy,” he says in a soft voice as if he were worried that his words would betray him.

“What happened?” Buffy asks, knowing she had never expected to wake up after jumping off the pier. For a moment she worries that if she’s alive that that means her baby is not. “Is Ashlyn…”

“The baby’s fine, she’s healthy… bloody perfect.” Buffy sighs in relief.

After a moment of silence Spike stands and moves toward the door.

“Your mates are all out in the waitin’ room, I’ll um, go…”

“Wait,” she says and he stops. ”Spike, I… I’m sorry about all of this, I know what I did must have hurt you, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…”

“Tell me what? That you were going to kill yourself for our baby to live?” Spike shakes his head and walks over to sit at the end of her bed. “Best you didn’t, I woulda tried to stop you.” Buffy nods. “It was the only way, I understand that.”

“Did you read my letters?”

“Just got to the one… and don’ worry slayer, I know you wrote it expecting not to come outta this.” Buffy’s brow creases, he thought she didn’t mean it.

“Spike, stop it.” Buffy sighs and the vampire looks at her with confusion written across his features. “I am tired of defensiveness and weird mixed signals; I’m tired of this… this… thing we’ve been doing. This not telling each other the truth… I feel something for you, and God, I know you’re scared because I’m scared too, but we’re a family now and I need to know how you feel about me.” Her eyes search his.

“You know how I feel Buffy, you always have.”

“I know, but I never accepted it, never let you… love me, not really.”

“Is that what you want, to let me love you?”

Buffy is silent for a moment, her nerves begin to rattle, but the depths of his blue eyes pull her in and calm her.

“I want… I want for us to be in love together.”

His eyes search hers and then he takes a deep trembling breath. He stands up and runs his fingers through his hair and begins to pace. Spike doesn’t know what to think about any of this. Is it real, does she mean it? He looks at her then has to look away. He’s too scared to let himself really believe that this has all worked out. He’s gotten his hopes up in the past and watched them fall.

“Buffy,” he begins and the slayer can tell he’s ready to run. “I just, I have to…” he continues and Buffy knows she has to stop him, has to make him see.

Her hands brace the metal rail of the hospital bed and she lifts herself up. She swings her legs over the edge and as she does she feels the painful burn in her abdomen as she stretches her stitches, but that won’t stop her. Spike’s eyes go wide watching her move. As her bare feet hit the floor he’s at her side. She stumbles unsure of her footing and his arms are around her in seconds. He catches her and their eyes meet.

“What the hell are you tryin’ to…”

“Spike, shut up.” Her eyes search his. “I love you,” she says and he sees the truth of it in her eyes.

Spike feels like his whole body is turning to jelly as he runs those words over in his mind, but the feel of her in his arms keeps him grounded. He finds his hands moving up her back, finds himself pulling her closer to him. The sensation of her fingers twisting in his hair flutters through his mind, and then he’s kissing her. Soft lips and soft skin and Spike realizes that she’s here. She’s here with him, she’s alive and in his arms and he has her. He pulls her tighter to him and their kiss deepens. In that moment Spike feels like he couldn’t ever ask for anything more.

--

Spike eventually helped Buffy back into bed and shortly after went to get the Scoobies who quickly shuffled in to see her. Buffy watched as they entered. Xander had his arm wrapped tightly around Anya, Willow was wide eyed with concern, Angel looked at her with awe, Cordelia following behind with Connor in her arms, and Dawn was doing her best to appear strong and pulled together but Buffy could see where the tears had made rivers down her face.

She hugged her baby sister and then a calm fell over the room. They wanted to know that she was okay and she assured them of it, but beyond that they kept their questions to themselves. The time for explaining why she did what she did and how she could make that choice would come later, now was the time for family.

The door opens and all faces turn to see a nurse walk in with a rolling cart, the top of which has a clear plastic crib and a small child resting inside. Buffy’s eyes lock on her daughter and for a moment she can’t breathe. The Scoobies move out of the way as the nurse nears. She pushes the cart off to the side of Buffy’s bed.

“How are we feeling today,” the woman asks.

“Fine,” Buffy replies, “really, great really, lots better.” Her thoughts are a million miles away from her own wellbeing however as they’re focused on the tiny girl the nurse picks up.

“Would you like to hold your daughter?” She asks and all Buffy can do is nod.

The nurse hands over the newborn and Buffy takes her into her arms. Tears well in her eyes as she looks down and the tiny blue eyed girl in her arms, she never thought she’d see anything so beautiful. Buffy looks up to see Spike’s eyes, full of love and wonder, locked on her and their daughter. Dawn and her friends are smiling, behind them Angel holds Connor in his arms. Cordelia stands beside him and he looks at her with complete understanding. Buffy looks back down at her baby and knows this is exactly how all of this was meant to end up. She knows this is where she’s meant to be.

Epilogue:

Buffy looks at herself in the mirror. It’s been three months since she gave birth and while her body with her enhanced slayer strength and healing ability is nearly back to its normal toned to perfection shape she still feels a little self-conscious. She runs her hands over the long lavender dress she wears which has an empire waist and flowy skirt. She spins a little making the fabric swish around her. She thinks the bridesmaid dress is flattering, not necessarily what she would have picked for herself, but knowing Anya’s demon… heritage she’s grateful that it’s not burlap and bug larva.

Buffy turns around and sees Spike behind her straightening out his black suit. She smiles seeing him so pulled together. His eyes lock on her, looking her up and down and he smirks.

“I feel silly,” Buffy says running her hands down the sides of her dress.

“Well you look amazing,” Spike replies and pulls her up to him. Buffy smiles as he leans down for a kiss.

Their lips meet, soft and loving, stirring feelings in both of them. Then the door flies open and a loud whaling cry is head. Buffy turns to see Dawn with baby Ashlyn in her arms. Dawn’s blue eyes are wide with frustration.

“Take her,” Dawn says reaching her arms out handing the baby to Buffy who quickly takes her child. Dawn lets out a frustrated huff and walks off to finish getting ready.

“Shhh, Linnie, it’s alright,” Buffy says rocking the baby girl back and forth. “Why are you so crabby with auntie Dawnie?” The child’s cries begin to fade.

“Buffy!” Dawn yells from down the hall, “Have you seen the curling iron?”

Buffy turns to Spike and he chuckles softly.

“Go, I’ll take her.”

“Thanks,” Buffy says as she hands her daughter over to her father and walks out of their room.

Spike looks down at his baby girl and smiles.

--

Buffy stands beside Tara and Dawn watching as Anya takes the last step down the aisle. The ex-demon is glowing and smiles brightly as she approaches her groom. Buffy sees Willow tear up; the redhead stands on the other side of Xander as his best man. Behind her are two groomsmen, friends Xander met at work. Xander takes Anya’s hand in his and wonders if the whole room can hear how hard his heart is pounding, but then he looks in her eyes and sees his future in her.

To Buffy the words the preacher speaks seem to vanish, all she can focus on are the faces of her friends around her; the happy tears in Willow’s eyes, the look of love and maybe a little fear that Xander has across his face. She looks out to the crowd and sees Xander’s mom crying, sees demons of all shapes and sizes stare with love in their eyes. She sees Angel at the back with Cordelia, sees the look they give one another, and then she sees Spike. Sitting in the front row looking dashing in his usher’s tux, his eyes lock on hers and then she hears the preacher say till death do you part, and all she can see is him. Beside her Xander and Anya kiss and the whole church stands and applauds. Spike stands as well and claps his hands for the newlywed couple, but his eyes never leave Buffy. Green on blue, they see nothing but each other, and smiles cross both their faces.