Let's follow the cops back home,
Follow the cops back home…


As they drove further Buffy thought her heart was going to stop, staring at the sirens, focusing solely on the flashing lights as they drew closer for what seemed like forever. She went to open her mouth, to tell Spike to stop the car, because she had to get out now she couldn’t wait any longer, when suddenly he did. They were already outside and she hadn’t even noticed. Everything that happened next didn’t happen in slow motion like they say; everything was very real, intense and bright and painful and real.


Buffy got out of the car, leaving the car door open. Spike followed behind, but at a distance, trying to figure out what was going on, whilst Buffy just needed to know right the hell now. They both saw Giles talking to the police, but there was no sign of their little sister Dawn or Buffy’s mother Joyce.


“Giles!” Buffy yelled as she took the lawn and porch steps in a run, “What’s going on? What happened?”


Giles, the man Buffy had always relied on to get straight to the point, to give her answers or to help her when she was lost, that man just stared back at her unable to speak.


“Giles?” Buffy asked softer this time, knowing if Giles couldn’t even tell her it was worse than she thought.

I’ll tell you stories bruised and blue,
Of drum machines and landslides…

“You’re Miss Summers, is that right?” the cop next to her stepfather asked, having been told the rest of the family was on the way, “Mrs Giles’s oldest daughter?”


Buffy nodded. She’d never changed her name; she didn’t know why she was thinking about that now, but there it was. It had never been so obvious to her, that she was the outsider. When she was little they didn’t think it was fair to take her name without asking, when she was old enough to be asked she didn’t see the point, now she felt cold. She briefly wondered if that’s why Giles wouldn’t speak to her, was he waiting for Spike to ask him, would he tell Spike? Because Spike was his real child? She knew that was a crazy thought, Giles wasn’t like that, he’d always treated her as a daughter, she brushed it aside, but the cold feeling still remained.


“And this is your brother? Mr Giles’s son?” the cop asked, pointing to Spike who was talking with another policeman further down the lawn.


The cop was obviously trying to ask him questions, burdened with a pad and pen, but Spike didn’t seem interested, he was just finding out what happened and the rest could save until later. But then something in him changed all of a sudden and she knew he’d been told. Whatever it was, he knew.


Spike felt Buffy’s eyes on him and looked to where she was. She turned her head sharply before he could meet her gaze. Even though she was asking what happened, she didn’t want to see it in his eyes; she didn’t want her memory of his eyes to be tainted with that.


She tried to remember the cop’s question to her about Spike being her brother, “No, yes, I mean…Can someone just tell me what’s going on?”


“I’m afraid earlier this evening there was an accident in your parent’s home. Your mother…”


Giles stepped forward then out of the shadows to prove he wasn’t completely absent, he put a hand on Buffy’s shoulder and interrupted the cop, “Your mother’s been taken to the hospital, she fell and hit her head on the kitchen counter. I came home and…I found her.”


“And?” Buffy pressed.


“It was…there wasn’t much blood, it didn’t look that bad, but she wouldn’t get up. She wasn’t breathing, Buffy.”


Buffy’s eyes widened about ten times their normal size; this didn’t make sense, what were they trying to say? “She’s going to be okay though, right?” she asked panicked.


Giles dropped his head, but said nothing comforting, so she turned to the cop, “Right?” Even he had nothing to say to her, or he didn’t know. She turned and Spike was walking towards her, just like she knew he would be. “Spike?” she made a last attempt to find some sign that she wasn’t alone in the world. Would somebody acknowledge her?


Spike stepped slowly up the stairs and pulled her into his chest. She didn’t know how long she was there for or how many times she soaked his t-shirt through with tears, but she felt safe, and she felt as if his body shielded her from everything, even the watching eyes of Giles, so she felt like she could cry. So she cried and sobbed and got away with no one seeing her walls break down. She vaguely felt him move them to let someone in a uniform get passed out of the house, and then suddenly they were sat on the porch swing in the same embrace and she didn’t remember getting there. He didn’t let her go until she was ready, or at least until she needed to move again.


Let's follow the cops back home,
Follow the cops back home…


“Are you ready to go to the hospital now, pet?” he asked when she shifted to hold her own weight again.


All she could do was nod, not because she was weak, but because all her energy was focused on trying not to think about what awaited them there. She stood up and looked at Giles; he’d taken his glasses off and was rubbing the bridge of his nose, something he used to do when her and Spike would test him, hide something from him, or do something obviously wrong and not own up to it.


“I just want to go check on my wife,” he said frustrated, “can’t this wait until later?”


“I’m sorry Mr. Giles, of course.” the cop said sincerely, “We have to ask these questions is all, to establish what happened. But we’ll continue it at a better time.”


“My wife fell and hit her head.” Giles said, his voice rising for no reason Buffy or Spike could fathom, “So what else do you need to establish?”


The cop hesitated, “We know, but we just have to find out how that came about.” He probably could have phrased it a hell of a lot better, but he was only young. Giles was staring at him and he rambled a little, “I mean you say you weren’t with her…so if that’s true we need to try and find out if she did actually fall or…”


“What are you trying to say, are you saying I pushed her?! I would never hurt my own wife! I would never!” Giles shouted.


Suddenly out of nowhere he lunged at the cop.


“Giles!” Buffy shouted reaching for him, but Spike was there in a flash holding him back before he got a chance to do anything he would have regretted later.


“Chill old man,” he said squeezing his arms where he held him, “He’s just doing his job.”


Buffy would have been impressed if it wasn’t for everything, she’d never seen Spike hold back Giles after loosing his temper; it had always been the other way around.


Spike glanced at Buffy to let her know it was okay, even though she could see Giles’s frame relaxing and knew it herself. Giles wasn’t an angry man, but all things considered everyone had the potential to get violent when someone they loved was thrown into the mix.


Let's take a ride and push it through,
Suspended animation blue…


After that they left the house pretty quickly, on the way Spike went to pick up Dawn from her friend Janice’s house. Giles had insisted on going, but no one wanted him going on his own and Buffy wasn’t ready to face Dawn just yet with Spike in-tow so Giles went with her straight to the hospital. She instantly regretted it when they got there, because when they asked for Joyce Giles at the reception and were ushered into a private waiting room she knew it was bad news, and all she wanted was to see Spike.


She spent the next 10minutes waiting for him, praying he would get there before the doctor did, so she wouldn’t have to hear whatever it was alone. Giles was here in body, but she had no idea where his head was right now.


I’ll give you nothing else to do,
Now we’re stuck on rewind…


The door opened, and there was Spike, she thanked God. Dawn came in behind him snivelling, her eyes red raw, but for now her tears were dried up. Buffy knew that wouldn’t last long.


Before she could say anything to either of them the door opened again.


“I’m so sorry to keep you waiting,” the doctor said, “I was working on another patient. Mrs Giles…”


“Joyce.” Giles corrected. If the man was going to talk about his wife he wanted him to use her first name, he didn’t want it to sound so clinical.


“I’m sorry, Joyce. Joyce came into emergency a little over 3 hours ago. She was unresponsive and we did all we could…”


“Oh God.” Giles said knowing what was coming next.


“We were unable to resuscitate her. I am truly sorry.”


There was a moment where Buffy felt like her stomach had fallen out, onto the floor, there was a hole in her gut she couldn’t keep closed and the emptiness seemed to expand minute by minute. Then she felt as if it wasn’t just her stomach falling out, but her whole self, she was falling.


Dawn ran to where Giles was, burying her face in his tweed jacket, crying into his body. He put an arm around her, but apart from that he didn’t even seem aware that she was there beside him.


“What happened?” asked Spike bewildered.


Buffy would rather not hear, but she couldn’t move her body to leave right now, she couldn’t make her mouth open to ask him to be quiet either, so she had to listen anyway.


“We believe the fall triggered her brain aneurysm to rupture, and the blood leaked so fast into her brain that she was disorientated and couldn’t get help.”


“She had a brain aneurysm?” Buffy asked.


“Yes, she’d had some tests a few months ago, because of her dizzy spells and we found it in one of her scans.” The doctor replied to Buffy as if she should already know.


“Aneurysm?” Buffy repeated, looking at Giles questioningly.


“She didn’t want you to worry.” That was all he said to her as he continued to stare into nothing.


“I’m sorry, Miss Summers,” the doctor said, “the aneurysm was very large and in a very difficult to operate area, she opted not to have surgery on it. I thought you already knew or I wouldn’t have said it like that without explaining.”


Spike put a hand on Buffy’s shoulder.


“Not all of us knew apparently.” she said coldly as she glanced at Dawn and saw her shaking, trying to fight her tears. She obviously wasn’t told either, but that made more sense because of her age, and because she was…well, because she was Dawn.


“These ruptures happen I’m so sorry, normally we can stop the leak, but your mother’s condition on arrival was too severe, she’d already lost consciousness and suffered too much cerebral damage.” The doctor finished and paused, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”


Loss, Buffy thought, that means she’s really gone? Her mother as far as she had known had been perfectly healthy this morning, and now she had simply fallen over and that was that. She had flickered out of the world and the only people that would ever remember her were in this room. That didn’t just happen, did it?


She closed her eyes, retreated into the blackness behind her eyelids and felt like she was falling again, she wasn’t but she still hit something solid in her decent, it was Spike. His arms encircled her from behind. She stopped falling for a while, but didn’t come out of the blackness; she didn’t want to hear or see the world right now, but she knew when she did he would be there.


Let's take a dive swim right through…

You don't know how you're coming across,
You don't know what you're coming across,
You don't know who you're coming across…


The police never questioned any of them again. Someone at the hospital had talked to them and explained Joyce’s condition leading up to the fall, her illness, her tendency to have dizzy spells, all the things Buffy should have known, but didn’t. She still hated her mother a little for that, for leaving her so unprepared, so shell shocked, having to face that some doctor or whoever it was had been able to read off a sheet more than she even knew about her own mother. She hated her a little for putting her in that position and that feeling tasted bitter on her tongue every time she had the thought.


She felt like a ghost, she’d sit in her mother’s room, at her mirror, the one she remembered sitting at to have her hair braided as a child. She sat there everyday for hours, because she didn’t want anyone to see her fall apart. She was never bothered in there, Giles had taken to sleeping on the couch and no one else wanted to go near it yet. So for a few hours a day she’d sit there and cry, thinking about nothing in particular, in fact it was the time when she didn’t have to think about anything. Then she would pull herself together, she would leave the room and for the rest of the day she would worry about everyone else. Everyone thought she went in there to organise things, to ring people, to set the funeral or other things in motion, but it was not a place to go to put things together; it was a place for the opposite.


You don't know how you're coming across,
So you come undone…


On top of all the confusion and lies and guilt she had, she had to deal with everyone else’s feelings as well. Everyone was coming to her, ringing her cell, asking for her when they called the house, giving condolences, bringing food, being nosey, you name it. Buffy was the spokesperson and she couldn’t escape it; everyone assumed she would take over everything, and of course she had. Who else would? Spike had offered to help, but it didn’t feel right, he’d already lost one mother and he’d gone through this before. She knew Joyce meant a lot to him, but she could spare him from arranging, and relatives, and remembering, she could do this by herself.


And then there was Dawn and Rupert. Dawn would spend hours in her room, which Buffy thanked her for silently, but only because she couldn’t deal with her. She flittered between tantrum style outbursts and fits of tears. Buffy didn’t know what to do when either occurred; her mom had always dealt with Dawn.


Giles was equally as difficult; he wouldn’t speak to Dawn, to step up to his role as sole parent, but Buffy couldn’t blame him for that, not yet. She struggled to remember the last time she’d heard him say anything to any of them and they’d been staying here a week now. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen him when he wasn’t holding a bottle of liquor either, or at least going in search of one.


It’d been worse since Spike tried to intervene a few nights ago. Giles had fallen asleep at his desk with a bottle in his hand and Spike had taken it from him and woke him up to put him to bed, neither of which pleased him much.


They’d argued about his drinking, Buffy was in the room across, but hadn’t been close enough to hear it all until they stepped into the doorway, and then she was too close to leave without being noticed.


“Dad, you’ve got to knock this off. It’s getting out of control that’s all I’m saying.” Spike’s tone was soft, there was no judgement for Giles’ choices only a wish that he would stop and think, but Giles found the negative in everything nowadays.


“And I suppose you’re perfect, son?” he said standing up straight, then he looked into the room where Buffy had been trying to act nonchalant, “And you Buffy? Are you perfect?” She didn’t say a word, and he gave up and walked into the hall and then out into the night to buy more whiskey.


Buffy looked at Spike and his eyes filled with sadness, he was begging her not to think about them in that moment, to not over-analyse anything, but she’d already gone there and Giles’ words stung more than he’d meant them too.


Was that the last thing he’d said to them then? No she wasn’t perfect; she was sleeping with his son behind his back.


Walking around like you're on some kind of cross,
And it's a shame on you the irony's lost…


After that she didn’t know how she could tell Giles to do anything, and she’d never known what to say to Dawn; both pained her. Sometimes she selfishly welcomed it, because wracking her brain about how to help them made her sometimes not think of how much she missed her mom, other times it did the opposite because she knew her mom would know just what to do. She hadn’t been perfect, she wasn’t the most level headed or unselfish woman, but when tragedy struck she was everyone’s rock.


The worst thing was Buffy knew not one damn thing she did would be any good, even if she thought about it for days, weeks, years. What could she do to make up for losing a wife? Or a mother? The only thing that made it bearable for her was Spike, and he wasn’t transferable.


“What are you thinking about?” he said as he climbed into bed behind her.


They did this every night, after Dawn had been in bed a couple of hours and Giles had passed out downstairs Spike would come out of his room into Buffy’s and lock the door.


“Nothing.” she said unconvincingly.


He turned her chin towards him and she rolled over a little to turn her head fully. He just looked at her for a while.


“Okay,” she surrendered, “everything.”


This was another few hours in the day when Buffy didn’t have to act, she could just be. Every night was different, she’d cried herself to sleep on his chest, they’d stayed up and talked about her mother, they’d laid together silently holding each other, but tonight she wanted to be close to him.


“What is it, luv?” he asked sadly, knowing she wanted to say something to him, something specific, but was too afraid.


She hesitated, but she had to say it, even if he said no she couldn’t leave it unsaid. “I want you to make love to me, Spike, and I’m scared you’ll say no because of…well because you’ll think I’m not ready, but I’ve been without you so long and I miss you.”


She turned over all the way and he pulled her close to let her know he wanted her too. She knew that didn’t mean he was going to agree.


“I know,” he said stroking her face, “I miss you too.”


“This isn’t about sex, it isn’t about me being a nympho,” she explained, “or forgetting what’s happened, or channelling any feelings somewhere else…this is about me and you, and me missing you and needing to love you and for you to love me and…”


“…its time?” he finished for her.


“Yeah.”


“Are you sure?”


She nodded, she put a hand to his cheek and brought his lips down to hers and they kissed. She still felt like she was falling, but what changed is she didn’t feel like she was falling alone.


So you come undone.
You come…
You come undone.
You know, you know, you know…

I’ve been wasting all my time,
With the devil in the details…


She brushed him off, “We are not telling them.”


“Yeah,” Spike sighed, “I’m beginning to see that.” he said humourlessly.


She looked at him with pleading eyes, he hadn’t let up all morning. “Please, Spike.” she said putting down her mother’s address book on the side table. “This isn’t the time…and even if it was…” She hesitated; this was too much to think about. Rupert’s words were still fresh in her mind, Spike and her had only just started sleeping together again, and now he was pressuring her to tell everyone. She hadn’t the capacity for it all right now. “I can’t talk about this.” she said as she went over to sit on the bed and put her head in her hands. “I have all these things to do, all these people to call…I…”


I got no energy to fight…


Spike sighed again, and his shoulders dropped in defeat. He walked over to the bed and sat down beside her, “I’m not sorry for bringing it up, but I’m sorry you thought I was telling you what to do.”


Through the gaps between her fingers she saw him begin to twiddle his thumbs together nervously in his lap.


“This is important, but I don’t want you to think I don’t get there are more important things for you to do right now…” He paused, “I just don’t want it forgotten about entirely.”


She finally took her hands away and turned to look up at him.


“I know, but it’s too much.” she said honestly dropping her head again.


I've got the devil in the details.
He's gonna teach me wrong from right…


“I know, and you’re right, it’s not the time…but soon we’re gonna to have to talk about when will be the right time.” He took a heavy breath, “Or if there will ever be a right time.”


“What are you saying?” she asked spinning her head back to him.


“You said it yourself, it’s too much. I get if you want to change your…”


“No.” she said firmly, her hands coming down harshly to clutch the bedspread on either side of her. She felt grounded now and temporarily strong, and that was good because she needed to speak up. “You don’t get to do this. I’m not sure why you think it’s a good idea to question this right now and to be honest I don’t care, the answer is no.” She straightened up visibly, “We are not going to stop seeing each other; we are not going to cool things off. This isn’t something that can be left and picked back up again whenever we want!”


She was getting louder by the minute even though Spike had stopped talking so she had no one to compete with for the floor.


She took sharp breaths so she never faltered in her rant, “We’re in a relationship! My mother just died! So when I say it’s too much I mean, it’s too much, and this is not another thing that gets to happen to me.”


Spike didn’t know what to say at first, but he grabbed one of Buffy’s tensed hands until it relaxed and she let go of the fabric under her grip, “I’m sorry, I thought you meant we were too much.” he replied eventually.


“We’re just enough.” she said looking at him desperately, “I couldn’t cope if we weren’t…if you weren’t here for me.”


He leant down to her and kissed her softly, “I’m here for you no matter what happens, but I know what you mean.”


I’m gonna dance with him tonight…


After that Buffy felt guilty, all the time, because the truth was although she’d cut him off when he suggested it she couldn’t be a hundred percent sure she hadn’t changed her mind about her and Spike. Well, not about them, but about telling everyone. She doubted because every time she imagined it it only went one way and that frightened her. In her mind Dawn would cry more and ignore them, actually probably just ignore her and take it out on her alone, and Giles would drink more and not speak. And yes, the truth was that that was the case already, even though Buffy hadn’t done anything that’s how her family were already treating her, but the way she got through the day was because she knew she hadn’t done anything to deserve it. She knew why they were really upset and she knew it wouldn’t last forever.


But if she told them, she wouldn’t know anything anymore, wouldn’t be able to gauge anything.


She thought she’d come to terms with what they were, that it wasn’t wrong, and that it wasn’t shameful, but maybe she’d been mistaken. It didn’t help that even though Spike hadn’t said anything about it since then she now knew it was on his mind. He obviously wanted to tell them, he obviously didn’t feel bad about it, so why did she?


And that’s why she felt guilty.


She couldn’t look at him; they were meant to be a team and she’d let him down. Every time they were in the same room the next few days she would make an excuse to leave and she made sure she was already asleep when he came to her at night, or she faked it. But one night he came into her room early while she was changing, it was dark and he startled her.


“What are you doing in here?” she asked, pulling her top down over her breasts and smoothing it down her stomach, “Dawn’s only just gone to bed.”


“We need to talk about why you’re avoiding me.” he said straight to the point.


“No we don’t.” she said a little harshly.


Spike looked angry, but he tried to hide it, because he knew it wasn’t fair to get angry at her right now, she didn’t need that.


Rightly or wrongly that’s what Buffy was counting on and she used it to ignore his concerns. “Let’s just go to bed.” she said, pulling back the covers and putting an end to it.


All of my wrongs, and all my wicked ways,
Will come back to haunt me, come what may…


“Buffy.” he said, trying to pull away from her kiss. It had happened so fast that he didn’t know how she’d done this to him; he was shaking with restrained passion, hard as a rock against her. One minute he’d been saying good night, she’d been looking at him blankly and then suddenly she was like this. He had to talk to her; she obviously didn’t know what she wanted from one minute to the next.


“Don’t.” she panted, kissing him again when she felt him hesitate and pull away.


We'll kiss and tremble with delight…


He wanted to remember how she’d been dodging him all day, how she’d refused to acknowledge his need for openness with their remaining family. He wanted to tell her he was here for her, but that they couldn’t go on like this forever; he wanted to remind her that eventually he would need more from her.


He wanted to say all that, but the words wouldn’t come out. His hands held her in a bruising grip, needing to feel her physically if she wouldn’t be there for him emotionally; telling himself all those things he needed to say could wait for a better time, and until then this was enough.


It didn’t take him long to come around to her idea, pulling down her top to let her breasts out to the cool night air he forgot that they’d had words earlier at all. He forgot that something didn’t feel right between them when she reached down to softly trace his erection with her palm. As he buried his head between her bust and kissed her chest she got firmer with her strokes and he forgot that his father was drinking himself into an early grave, and that if he succeeded it would be the end of them all for sure. As he turned his head to the side and started kissing her right breast he forgot that their family was falling apart, that it was killing her and that she wouldn’t let him help.


She moaned in relief as if his mouth was unwinding her strains with each kiss. She needed the release more than she’d realised, but above everything she knew she just needed him. She wanted to tell him what he needed to hear, she wanted to be better for him, she wanted to make this work, but this was all she could manage because words were too hard.


He brushed a hand down her thigh as her phone started buzzing.


He took one of her nipples into his mouth. “Ignore it.” he said around her flesh then released it with a pop.


“I can’t.” she gasped.


He moved up and bit down on her neck.


“Spike.” she begged. It was half a gasp because she liked it, but he also knew she wasn’t begging for him to continue, so he let out a frustrated groan and rolled away.


She looked over and just as she thought her phone had an incoming call from a family friend, she had to take it no matter the ridiculous hour because it could be about the funeral, and that was her job; there was no one else to pick up after her anymore.


She clicked the answer button, got off the bed and took it outside.


Spike calmed himself down, waiting for her to return, but when she came back in something was off and she looked like she’d been crying. Spike knew she would never have cried on the phone where someone could hear her unless she was really losing it. He didn’t know what to say to her, but he had to say something. He sat up, all frustration forgotten, “Are you okay?”


“Yeah.” she said shortly, wiping her eyes. “Let’s go to bed.”


She climbed in, without looking at him or even turning to him. She switched off the light and when he went to snuggle up to her she pulled away. He let her be, deciding to sleep at the other side of the bed; if she didn’t want to talk she didn’t have to. She’d let him in tomorrow if she didn’t tonight. That’s what he’d been thinking ever since they’d got here, but she had to eventually, didn’t she?


Looks like the devil’s here to stay…

The day of the funeral came quickly, even though it seemed Buffy had been planning it for weeks, it came too quickly. The service where people came to speak about Joyce, to write beautiful things and read meaningful poems went too suddenly and Buffy sat there in a trance until it was her turn. She got up, mumbled something about how much her family would miss her, how she hadn’t had enough time to learn how to be as good as her, but how she would take every lesson Joyce had given and try to make her proud.


Spike stared at Buffy all the way through and when she lost her way a simple look towards him received a nod of encouragement and she could carry on. Even that element of the day went quickly, but Buffy wasn’t so upset about that. She slipped back to her seat and waited for the next part anxiously.


The atom will implode,
The fragile kingdom fold,
The tremor becomes a quake…


After the service Buffy and Spike stood outside to receive everyone’s condolences. Giles was nowhere to be seen and Buffy had put Dawn into one of the cars up the hill to have a cry to herself before returning to the church to stand by Spike.


The people lined up and one by one walked to them, shook hands with them both and told them how they knew Joyce. The hands were a sea, Buffy grabbed one when near like a life raft to cling onto, but before she knew it they were gone again, Spike her only constant by her side.


She felt herself weaken after a time, but before she knew it the last people stepped forward; two women she didn’t know.


“We’re so sorry for your loss.” one of them said, “We worked with your mother, she was a good friend. Such a lovely woman.”


It was said with pride, but also a little gloating on their part, as if Joyce was a prize and her friendship some sort of trophy. It bothered Buffy a little. “Thank you,” she said.


The other woman spoke, “You two are Joyce’s?”


Buffy looked to Spike, he spoke for them both. “Buffy’s her daughter, I’m Joyce’s husband’s son.”


Buffy noted he never referred to them as siblings anymore, not even one slip all day.


The woman gasped, “Of course, she spoke about you all the time, Buffy.” She clucked over the unfamiliar name to make sure she said it right.


Buffy was sure her mother spoke of her, though she was now also sure Joyce had never spoken to these two women about anything in her life.


“We were surprised,” the first woman said, “the service wasn’t last week. It seemed like such a long time before we heard anything about it.”


She seemed confused, but Buffy didn’t miss the theatrics of it or the subtle dig, she hadn’t meant it as a simple statement, she was making a point. Buffy just smiled, but her breath caught a little, then she suddenly couldn’t breathe at all. She walked away back inside the church making some excuse, but she could still hear.


“There was a lot to be done.” said Spike trying to placate the women whilst moving them on from the subject. However they didn’t get the hint.


“Well I’m sure Joyce would have at least wanted us told earlier if the funeral was going to be so late on. I mean some of us at the gallery wondered if anyone was bothering with it at all.”


Buffy stepped away after that. She feared if she stayed the pressure from her clenched together jaw would finally crack her teeth, or worse that she wouldn’t turn her anger inwards at all, maybe even going as far as making a scene with them directly. It probably wouldn’t have been that bad, she knew her mother wasn’t fond of them anyway, because she liked about 5 people she worked with and Buffy had met them all that day already. The rest, according to her mom were busy bodies and gossips. Obviously she had been right and yet whether the woman deserved to be here or not she didn’t want to sully the day with an outburst.


Still she had to wipe away tears at the woman’s accusations. She knew she had been a little lax with the arranging, but she didn’t fully understand everything she was taking on when she’d started. Everything got on top of her and before she knew it she was pushing the date back a day, two days, not to mention all the days at the beginning that she had done nothing while she simply grieved.


What was she supposed to do? Was she supposed to be some kind of super hero? Even if she had been, didn’t they know why they were all here? Didn’t this insensitive old witch know her mother had just died?


And there's a body in the lake.


When they gathered around the grave Buffy couldn’t help but lean forwards and look into the hole in the ground. It was empty now, but soon her mother’s body would fill it up, along with dirt and wood and flowers, and more dirt. They’d seal her up, never to come out, and then one day grass would grow over her as if this had never happened and the earth had never been disturbed, as if she’d never been above ground at all.


Buffy swallowed some bile and stood back again.


The sound of silence grows…


She felt like running when everyone came up to stand behind her. She looked around, Spike was stood next to Giles on the other side of her, she caught his eye and he moved straight away bringing Dawn with him closer to her side. They huddled together, like dominos ready to topple in age order. Dawn was the first to go, she fell onto Buffy and Buffy wrapped her up with one arm, stroking her hair as the priest began to speak. He was saying nice things she guessed, but she didn’t hear a word because she was too busy looking around the graveside.


Buffy had been wrong at the hospital thinking that only the people in that room would remember her mother. As she looked into the sea of faces around the grave she realised that whatever their reason for coming, some to grieve, some because they felt guilty not knowing she was ill, some just wanting to come to the exhibition of it all, they were now genuinely sad. Joyce had touched all these people whether they had known it or not before they came, and she would be remembered.


It gave Buffy a little comfort, but then the wind picked up a little, blowing Buffy’s skirt and chilling her legs and she realised that at that moment it might help, but after today these people wouldn’t be here, and the memories of her mother would fade away with time. So it didn’t matter if people remembered her, it didn’t bring her back.


As the priest read on the tears stared to slip from Buffy’s eyes. Spike saw straight away, but no one else was looking, too concerned with their own tears. He reached his arm around her and pulled her into him; her head fell to the side and laid itself on his chest. He kissed the top of her hair.


She didn’t think about looking around to check if someone saw how close they were being, to check their actions had been perceived as sibling-like. She just did it, for the first time she didn’t care.


And as the two of us rebel,
And damn you all to hell,
I wonder is this all there is…


It mattered to her what people thought, it would always matter, but in that moment they were a family. No one would question or judge them, maybe later, but not now. Now was the time for tears, because they had lost their mother, because they had lost their teacher, and because they would never understand the reason why.


Time will help you through,
But it doesn't have the time,
To give you all the answers to the never-ending why…

Everyone was gathered back at the house, the caterers had dropped off the food and the alcohol was flowing. Buffy was doing the rounds; she took in every story of her mother with grace, laughing at the right time, putting a smile on when needed. Inside she couldn’t stand to even hear her name, so exhausted at keeping her emotions at bay that every memory of her felt like a stab to her insides, but her brave face never slipped.


She could see Spike at the other end of the room doing the same, though she doubted his heart ached like hers did. He probably didn’t already know these stories, probably enjoyed hearing them. She wished she could, she felt jaded and wrong that she couldn’t. Wakes were the lighter side, when everyone shared and remembered the good, but her dark side just longed to be back at the grave silently weeping; it’s what she wanted to do now, but in the graveyard it had been acceptable. Here she didn’t like her role, didn’t know her line, but she had to do it anyway.


He made his way over to her slowly, still having to stop every couple of people to exchange a short conversation. She knew it’d take less time if she did the same and changed her direction of movement around the grievers to coincide with his.


When they reached each other he gave her a big hug, she felt a weight lift off her and her head cleared for a minute.


He turned his head and whispered a question, “How are you holding up?”


She pulled away slowly and forced a smiled, “I’m coping.”


Knowing it was all he would get from her in front of people he leant back down, “Have you seen my dad?”


She paused, knowing she couldn’t lie; sooner or later Giles would surface, preferably after the guests went home, and then Spike would know anyway. She took a deep breath, “He’s erm…he’s in his study…drinking the cabinet dry.”


Spike sighed, “Great.”


“Just leave him, Spike.” she suggested, touching his arm gently, “It’s not the healthiest way, but it’s quiet.”


Spike wondered if she had more to say or whether she really did think quiet equalled better no matter how unhealthy. God knows she’d been quiet enough recently, but did she think it was okay to do anything as long as it was behind closed doors?


He couldn’t help thinking about them. They’d come here to tell their family, finally deciding it was right, finally set on being in the open and then suddenly they couldn’t be, so now they were back to being a secret. She would talk to him like a lover, kiss him, tell him how she felt about him, but it was very much behind closed doors for them now.


Take this moment for example; all he wanted to do was put his arm around her waist, hold her hand in his, just something small and affectionate, but something to let her know he was there for her. He didn’t try; he knew she wouldn’t have any of it, not because she didn’t want it, but because it would make her paranoid about what people would think. Truth be told people probably wouldn’t bat an eye, but just in case they did she wouldn’t have it.


He hoped she wouldn’t want to keep it that way forever, and that what she’d just said was a slip up, not a belief, because he couldn’t do this for much longer.


…stay with me…
…stay with me…
…stop…


“Where’s Dawn?” Buffy asked, looking around the room.


Spike looked around quickly as well, unable to pick her out of the faces. “Dunno, haven’t seen the little bit in a while.”


“That doesn’t sound of the good.” Buffy said turning her attention back to the people they were with.


Dawn stepped into the room out of the hallway where she’d been hiding. She looked over to where Spike and Buffy were and decided to make a b-line for them, hoping they would protect her from the rest of the crowd. All she had to do was cross the room without getting stopped, but in the end she stopped herself in front of a huddled group of distant relatives.


“The service was very brief.” one said.


“I thought so too.” another one agreed.


“But it was lovely.” the last one added.


The first spoke again, “Oh of course, lovely…lovely, but short.”


“Are you freaking kidding me?!” Dawn shouted suddenly.


The whole gaggle turned around stunned.


I uh…
I uh…
I…


“Are you seriously talking about my mother’s funeral as if it was the movie-of-the-week or something?” Dawn continued without missing a beat.


Buffy and Spike turned around now, everyone else had stopped talking and all eyes were on Dawn so they joined in. Buffy sighed, she had seen this coming; she was only surprised that it had taken this long. No matter how hard she tried, something had to ruin the day.


The women said nothing more, but Dawn continued as if they had, “Are you actually kidding me? How dare you!”


“Dawn.” Spike said firmly.


“No,” she said before he could say anything else, “I’ve had enough today.”


“So has everyone, Dawn.” he frowned, “Please try and think about…”


She cut him off again, “I am, I’m thinking about mom. She died and everyone here seems to have forgot!”


Buffy’s blood was boiling, so what if someone was making an inappropriate comment here and there, it was Dawn who was insulting their mother’s memory right now. “Dawn, be quiet!” she barked.


“Buffy, how can you let them talk about her this way?” she asked desperately. “Talk about her funeral, talk about us as if we’re not even here,” her voice was trembling, “like we don’t even matter?”


“It’s not what she’s doing.” Spike tried to explain calmly, thinking how best to make her see how she wasn’t the only one in pain, “We’re just…”


…stop…
…start…


“Get out!” Dawn said suddenly in a high pitched scream, “All of you just get out!” She was speaking to the room now.


Buffy rushed forward. “Dawn, you can’t speak to people like that!”


“Why not?! They don’t care about mom! Most of them are just here to spy on us, see how messed up we are! Well!” she cried turning to face everyone again. “Have a good look!”


Buffy had had enough, her anger had gone and she was nothing but ashamed now. She grabbed Dawn’s arm and dragged her to the bottom of the stairs.


“Let go of me!” Dawn yelled pulling her arm free once there.


“You’re embarrassing yourself.” Buffy said through gritted teeth.


“No I’m not,” she said defiantly, “I’m embarrassing you. I can see the way you’ve been looking at me all day, wondering when I’ll trip up and let everyone see we’re not the perfect little family you’ve been pretending we are. Well I’ve done it now, and everyone knows!” She was almost crying, but trying to hold it back.


Buffy rubbed her brow with her hand, too tired to deal with this, “Just…Just go to your room, Dawnie.” she begged.


“You can’t tell me that,” she said lip quivering; “you’re not mom.”


Buffy’s heart clenched, “No, I’m not, Dawn. Mom’s gone…and she’s not coming back, no matter how many tantrums you throw.”


Dawn’s tears flowed freely now, she stomped up the stairs quickly. Buffy regretted it all immediately and wanted to follow her, but her bedroom door banged shut and when she heard it lock she knew she didn’t have the energy it’d take to undo it just now.


When Buffy turned around everyone was looking at her, everyone, including Spike. She felt their judging eyes on her and she couldn’t bare it. She shook her head and made her way to the kitchen away from them. She heard him follow.


He found her leaning forwards on the kitchen island; arms outstretched baring all her weight. She was pulling in harsh breaths as she tried to ground herself, her eyes were squeezed shut and her jaw clenched.


Swallow…
Swallow…


“I can’t do this.” she said to him without opening her eyes.


He came up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist lifting her slightly and rested his chin on her shoulder. She didn’t feel so heavy now and took one of her arms away from the island to cup her palm over both of his on her stomach.


“I couldn’t do this without you.” she corrected.


“It’s my family too, pet.” he said into her hair, “I can help; you just have to let me.”


She sighed, “You being here is enough.”


He kissed her hair and then her neck gently.


It kinda went like this…


“I, I have to go back in there.” she stuttered suddenly.


“Are you sure?” he asked, “We could do like Dawn said, send them home. If it’s too much…I can tell them.”


She shook her head, “Dawn saw what I saw this morning, a couple of thoughtless dummies who couldn’t keep their mouths shut. She doesn’t see the rest of them… mom’s friends, the ones here who loved her. They need to grieve today too, I can’t send them home.”


“Buffy.” he said turning her around so she could look at him, “They would understand if you needed peace and quiet, or a little space to deal with it all.”


“No,” she said, “I can’t be selfish.” She was so tired, but she knew what was needed. “Please, come with me.” she asked, “And don’t leave my side.”


She squeezed the fingers of one of his hands; he moved to slip it into hers properly.


“Never.” he promised.


Stay…
Stay…
Stay…

After the funeral the days started to bleed into one. Lost at sea wasn’t a strong enough metaphor anymore for where Buffy was, but she didn’t know how else to describe it. When she would let him Spike was her anchor, but the more time she spent with him the guiltier she felt; she knew she was taking and taking and still had no capacity to give.


Since the funeral she fought with Dawn every day about one thing or another. Giles was nowhere; the model of an absentee father except his absence wasn’t physical. In fact if Buffy had ever needed to check on him she knew exactly where he was; mentally and emotionally however was a different story.


As the next week went by Buffy forgot all about why her and Spike had come here in the first place. Spike had called his band and they’d decided to delay the album, it wasn’t guaranteed forever, but he gained a few extra weeks which gave her an excuse to forget about it. She wished she could feel guilty about that, but there was already too much on her plate.


She’d fallen into the role of housewife, cleaning up everyone’s mess. When Spike helped she shouted at him, and he eventually realised she wasn’t just doing it because it needed doing, but because she needed something to do. Even so it saddened him that Dawn and his father were taking advantage of her. He tried to speak to her about it, tried to, but every now and then she would shut off from him completely. Every time Dawn and Giles said anything negative to her she would feel it for days, but when he tried to say something of any kind it floated past her on the wind and never registered. There was only one time she let him intervene.


“Where are you going?” Buffy said catching Dawn on the landing.


“Back to my room.” she said quickly.


Walking towards her little sister Buffy decided it was enough, “You can’t stay in your room all day, Dawnie.”


Dawn avoided her eyes.


She did this all the time, started an argument with her out of the blue. She always had a reason, Buffy’s motive was to challenge, to make her face up to how unhealthy her behaviour was becoming. But she never knew how to start out properly, so it always became this.


Spike watched and remembered the times he’d tried to do the same to Buffy. It didn’t play as an argument for them, he hated to make the comparison but sometimes it was like talking to a ghost with her, he would get nothing back.


Buffy continued, “You haven’t left the house since the funeral. You have to go out sometime.”


“Why? You haven’t.” Dawn said bluntly.


“That’s different.” Buffy thought about it for a while, “I cook, I clean, I sort through mom’s things, deal with mom’s finances, deal with you.”


Dawn sulked not knowing what to say.


Buffy was taking the high ground, but in truth all the things she was doing were to keep her busy not the other way around. Luckily Dawn was too wrapped up in her own emotional avoidance to notice hers.


Spike shifted on the stairs and accidentally made them creak. Buffy saw him now out of the corner of her eye; she didn’t let his presence sway her. “Maybe you should think about going back to school.” she suggested, getting to the point.


Dawn pulled a face, “No way!”


“It might help,” she sighed, “make things feel more normal.”


Dawn scoffed at the idea again.


Buffy took a breath, “Look, Dawn. You have to go back eventually so maybe its better you go back by choice.”


“Or what?” Dawn said snidely, “You’ll make me go back?” She glared, “I’d like to see you try.” With that she disappeared into her room.


Here comes another fall from grace,
I'm always falling on my face…


“Please will you talk to her?” she said defeated, still staring at the closed door.


He climbed the last few stairs and walked towards her. “I got it.” he said kissing her on the top of the head briefly before pushing his way slowly into Dawn’s room.


Buffy didn’t stay to listen, she was too exhausted. If she went to bed now she could get some sleep before Spike came up later. She left them to it.


Dawn didn’t even look up to acknowledge him, but he was pretty sure she knew who it was that had followed her in. It wasn’t fair, but if it had been Buffy she’d have told her to leave already, she wasn’t half as hard on him.


“Hey.” he said softly when he’d gotten far enough in on his own.


Dawn sat up in bed, but didn’t say anything, a sign she wouldn’t stop him if he came in all the way.


He shut the door a little.


“I guess you heard all that?” Dawn said snidely, her voice trembling, he couldn’t tell if it was with tears or anger, it was too dark to see her face properly from here.


“I did.” he admitted.


“Don’t know where she gets off telling me she’s gonna make me go back to school.”


He stepped forward, “I don’t think that’s what she meant.”


“Sounded like it.” she huffed again.


“Buffy’s just trying to do what’s best for you.” he sighed. “She just doesn’t know the best way to do that, and neither do I.”


“I should have known you’d take her side.” she whimpered, “I’m your little sister too, but she’s always been your favourite, right?”


Spike felt knocked off course for a second; he couldn’t deny it, not after everything. But now it was because Buffy wasn’t his sister anymore, she was his partner, and it didn’t mean he loved Dawn any less than before.


“Look nibblet.” he said sitting down on her bed, “You have to stop waging war on us all. We’re here for you, not against you.”


“Just get out, Spike.”


He stayed, sat there and repeated himself, but it was no good. Now he and Buffy had both failed to be there for Dawn. He’d never missed Joyce so much.


This attitude that I embrace,
For the love I'm trying to replace…


Later Spike went up to Buffy’s room, he wished he had better news for her, and he felt like he was radiating disappointment when he pushed her door open.


“Well?” she asked as he entered.


He shook his head, “Sorry, luv. She wouldn’t speak to me either.”


Buffy sighed, “I don’t know what to do, Spike.”


He pulled the covers away from the bed and slid in beside her, “I don’t know either anymore.”


Buffy said nothing back.


“Pet?” he called to her, wherever she’d escaped to in her mind he knew it was far away.


“Sorry.” she replied.


It's hard to recocile,
What I've become
With the wounded child,
Hiding deep inside…


The next morning Buffy got up early, she raided the fridge and made pancakes from scratch, and then she made cereal after been reminded vividly that she couldn’t cook pancakes without setting off the smoke alarm in the kitchen.


It wasn’t long before she heard everyone in the house stir, but Dawn was the first to enter.


Buffy was busy frantically scrubbing burnt pancake mix off the pans. “Morning, Dawnie.” she said cheerfully. “I made cereal.”


“Whatever.” Dawn rolled her eyes and walked to the back door.


“And where do you think you’re going?” Buffy asked, noticing she didn’t have her school bag or anything else to give her the hope that they’d gotten through to her last night. She dropped the dish cloth and faced her arms folded.


“Why do you care?” Dawn shrugged, “You’re not my mother.” she said matter-of-factly, waiting a moment for Buffy to challenge her words and then opening the back door and heading out.


Buffy gritted her teeth. Dawn really needed to stop saying that to her.


Breath underwater,
I'm coming up for air…


Giles came in a moment later, “Buffy,” he said banging his empty bottle of bourbon down on the side a little too harshly as he lost his balance, not that he realised it in his state. “Dawn’sss going through a…a lot now; you shouldn’t be so h…harsh on her.”


Buffy ground her teeth again. “I’m not. I’ve been letting her off school because she said she couldn’t face going out. If she’s fine enough to go out, she can go to class…speaking of, when are you going back?”


Giles had been the librarian at Dawn’s school for a couple of years now. He seemed to enjoy his work; however he hadn’t even so much as rang the school to let them know what had happened. Another job Buffy had given in to doing.


Giles snatched up his bottle, threw it in the trash angrily and stomped past her to the back door. “Maybe Dawn’sss right.” he said harshly, “Maybe you should stop trying to be everyone’s m…mother, Buffy. We were f…fine before you came home; we don’t neeeeed you mollycoddling usss.”


She heard the back door slam shut for the second time that morning out of anger. Anger directed at her. She didn’t even know what mollycoddling meant, but they were right, she was trying to replace Joyce, she was trying to be everyone’s mother, and she was a miserable excuse for one.


She sank down in the middle of the kitchen, sat on the floor and cried. She didn’t even stop when she heard Spike come down, and the next thing she knew his strong arms were around her once more.


My weakness is laid bare,
As people stop and stare…


“I can’t do it, Spike. No matter what I do they both hate me!” she sobbed after telling him what happened.


“They don’t hate you, Buffy.” he said rubbing her arms, “They’re just hurting.”


She tried to calm down, but she couldn’t stop crying, for the first time nothing he was doing or saying was making her feel any better and that panicked her.


It's hard to reconcile,
What I've become…


“Just breathe, Buffy.” he begged, noticing she was out of control.


Her chest was rising painfully as she tried to make her lungs fill with air. She was having a panic attack, and the more she thought about it the more she couldn’t breathe. She felt like everything was rushing right towards her and pulling away from her all at the same time, and she couldn’t grab hold of anything solid.


Spike held her. How could he challenge her, make her face up to things when she wasn’t even passed this stage yet?


He chanted her name, and the more he did it the more she found its constancy gave her the thing she needed to focus on.


“That’s it.” he said seeing the change in her.


“Just breathe.” he repeated, still stroking her arms.


Start breathing…
Start breathing…
Start breathing…
Start breathing…

Buffy knew Dawn was hanging around with the wrong kind of people, none of her usual friends were skipping school so she wasn’t with them, and they were as concerned about her behaviour as Buffy was, which was unsettling. She’d tried to get Dawn to stay home a million times, she’d shouted, and begged and cried, but nothing so far had worked. She was out of control.


She was still covering for her in the day, ringing the school and telling them she needed more time because of their mother. She could have told them the truth and asked for their help with Dawn’s truancy, but she was embarrassed she couldn’t deal with it herself.


Now as she sat at the dinning room table waiting for her to come home Buffy could hardly remember when she had wished Dawn would leave the house. It wasn’t just in the day that she was unaccounted for, they were now lucky is she came home before it got dark. This was the latest she’d been though and Buffy had to admit she was anxious, even though part of her knew Dawn was fine and was probably just pushing them. For a while she hadn’t even been answering her cell, but for once she was out with someone they knew and they’d finally got through to her friend Janice.


They trusted Janice, and now knew who she was with and where she was going, but even though that was more than they knew most of the time it still held no comfort for Buffy, because she was at the Bronze, and it was just as bad as its New York equivalent. Both Buffy and Spike knew all too well what went on at that club, being the only club in a small town it attracted the likes of everyone, good and bad. At first Buffy had wanted Spike to march down there and drag her out, but he’d convinced her to let her come home on her own and they’d told Janice to pass on a message.


That was hours ago, Spike was hovering somewhere downstairs as well, equally as on edge. Suddenly the front door opened almost silently, but Buffy heard it.


“This has gone on long enough, Dawn.” Buffy said coming into the hallway


Dawn’s face hardened, ready for whatever Buffy was going to say, bracing herself to give one better. She turned on the stairs and came down a few. “What?” she asked.


“Whatever reason you have for testing me, it stops now.” Buffy said firmly.


Dawn turned, but Buffy grabbed her arm and spun her back around.


“I mean it, Dawn.” she stressed.


“You can’t tell me…”


“What to do?” Buffy finished, “I can, and I will. Everyone is fed up of your behaviour.”


As if on cue Spike circled round to stand behind her.


“Of course, everyone gang up on me!” Dawn cried, “I should have known.”


Spike went to defend them reasonably, but Buffy snapped first, “Cut it out, Dawn. That’s not what we’re doing and you know it. You’re a mess and I’m trying to sort you out. You have to stop looking for trouble, you have to stop staying out late, and for gods sake just go back to school.”


“Oh my God!” Dawn shrieked, “This is going to help bring mom back? You walking around the house telling everyone what to do?!”


Buffy huffed that’s not what she was trying to do, in fact she was doing this to help them move on and cope without their mother. “At least I care about someone other than myself!” Buffy said in frustration.


“No you don’t, you’re just mad we can’t all be perfect, like you! Maybe instead of me being the same as you, you could just stop trying for one day!”


“I’m not trying to be perfect.” Buffy said, “This is what it looks like when you don’t act like a spoiled selfish little brat!”


Dawn’s chest was rising with every harsh breath she took, “I. Am. Not. Selfish.” she said through gritted teeth.


“Yes you are!” Buffy yelled, “You always have been. Mom was always looking after you, you never cared about her, you let her run around cleaning up your mess, doing everything for you, busting her gut to look after you, acting like a little princess while she worked so hard to give everything you wanted.”


“Buffy!” Spike snapped harshly, but Buffy couldn’t hear him, she couldn’t stop herself.


“You are an ungrateful little child, you drove mom into an early grave and now you’re trying to do the same to me! Well I won’t let you!”


“What?!” Tears burst out of Dawn’s sore eyes, angry tears running down her face, breaking free against her will.


Buffy could retreat, she could have taken it back, but she was blinded by rage, blinded by grief, “Maybe if you hadn’t been so selfish, maybe if you hadn’t stressed mom out every single day of her life she would have never gotten sick!”


The crack came before anyone saw Dawn’s hand move. Buffy’s head swung back and by the time she faced forwards again Dawn had run away, up the stairs to her room.


She looked over at Spike, his eyes held no comfort for her, how could they? She was becoming a monster, and she didn’t know how to stop before this disease inside her heart ate her and her family alive.


Since I was born I started to decay.
Now nothing ever, ever goes my way…


She was getting nowhere. She’d been here for nearly 20 minutes, pacing back and forth in Spike’s room, holding a bag of frozen peas to her cheek to stop the swelling. He was laid in bed staring up at her.


Eventually Buffy found her voice, “Can you believe she hit me?” she asked him.


“No.” he said bluntly, he couldn’t.


The slap had shocked him, but although he sensed Buffy wanted to take from that that he thought it was also out of order it wasn’t implied in his answer. She stopped pacing for a moment and stared at him when she realised that.


“You think I deserved it?”


Spike sat up and slid down to sit at the end of the bed, “Buffy, I don’t want to upset you, so I’m going to say this very carefully.” Now was the time he thought, now was the time to challenge her. She may not be ready, but this had to be fixed, and it had to be done right. “I know you didn’t mean what you did.”


“I didn’t.” she agreed, pulling the bag away from her mouth, but she wasn’t backing down just yet.


“Well neither did, Dawn.”


Buffy tensed, “What she did was just as ba…”


“I know.” he said, “She shouldn’t have hit you, but you shouldn’t have said what you did. You’re both 1 all here, but you’re the adult.”


Shit, Buffy thought, that stopped her defence dead.


“Look it sucks, Buffy.” he admitted, “Your mother argued all the time with Dawn, and she knew it sucked, you could see it sucked for her.”


He got up off the bed and walked towards where she stood. He took her hands in his hands and made her listen to him for once, “Sometimes only one of you will be wrong, but this time both of you are, and that sucks because it means you’re going to have to give in.”


She looked up at him guiltily.


“Neither of you are to blame, what’s happened brought it about, but both of you did something horrible. And sometimes when that happens she won’t see it, and until she grows up a bit more it has to be you that fixes it, because at the end of the day you’re family and if no one fixes it it never goes away. And I know more than anyone that you can’t just expect to abandon your family and find things the same when you come back.” He twirled a piece of stray hair and tucked it behind her ear, dwelling on how they used to be before he took their relationship for granted all those years ago.


She couldn’t argue with that part, she realised he wasn’t trying to make her feel bad, he was just trying to teach her from his own mistakes.


Feeling he was getting through to her as he saw her scowl disappear he focused back on Dawn, “She’s a teenager who’s lost her mom, and you expect her to be emotionally stable enough to see you didn’t mean what you said?”


“You expect me to.” she said as if it was a valid point. Why did he think she was any more together than Dawn?


“Yeah I do.” he said answering her bluntly.


And then she got it. He thought it, because it had to be that way; because she had to be more together; because although she’d like to think she was still a little girl who had lost her mommy, thinking it and feeling it didn’t make it so. She was a grown woman, and her little sister was in pain, and it did suck, it sucked big time, but she had to sacrifice her own feelings.


There it was, she didn’t have to like it, but it was true, and that’s what her mother would have done.


One fluid gesture, like stepping back in time.
Trapped in amber, petrified.
And still not satisfied…


Buffy entered the room quietly. Usually after they had had a fight Dawn locked her door, the fact it was still open and that she was lying in bed, fully dressed, under the sheets still sobbing told her how much she’d messed things up. Dawn never wanted to talk to Buffy after they had fought, and this time she hadn’t even come up from her tears long enough to get up and lock her door behind her, she had dived straight into her bed, pulled the cover over herself and just cried there.


Buffy’s stomach churned, but when she came in Dawn stirred and so she stood still and waited for her to sit up in her own time.


“Here to yell at me some more?” Dawn asked when she finally noticed her there.


“No.” Buffy replied, still unsure of what she was actually going to say.


“Good, then you can leave.”


“Dawnie.” Buffy begged.


“Please,” Dawn almost grunted, “Please just go!”


“I have to apologise.” Buffy said shaking her head.


“No you don’t,” Dawn said, “Just go. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to speak to you!”


“Dawn, I can’t just let that be the last thing I say to you.” Buffy said stepping further in.


That made Dawn sit up and take notice for the first time, she couldn’t help the regret that washed through her voice even though she was still mad at her, “You’re leaving?”


“No…I mean, well eventually I’ll have to…” Buffy pinched the bridge of her nose, much like Giles used to do, some things were obviously passed on vicariously not genetically, “I’m doing this all wrong already.” she sighed.


“I get it; you never wanted to be here with me.” Dawn said having time to gather her thoughts and realising it was pointless to get upset. If Buffy was leaving that was her fault too, nothing she could do about it so she might as well just go now and save the talk. “So why don’t you just go?” she continued, “You’re off the hook anyway, I’m the bad daughter, and now everyone knows it. Your conscience is clear.”


Buffy was confused, “Dawn, what are you talking about?”


“I know you’re leaving because you can’t stand to look at me. After what I’ve done…”


“What you’ve done…” she trailed off, “Dawn I’m not leaving. I meant if I’m staying and you refuse to talk to me while I’m here I don’t want that,” she pointed out to the staircase as if it represented their earlier fight, “to be the last thing we say to each other.”


“Oh…” Dawn said, shifting, bringing her knees up to her chest, still under the covers.


“Look, Dawn. I came here to apologise. What I said was out of line, not only that it was wrong…completely wrong…”


Dawn started shaking her head; it increased until it started to worry Buffy.


“Dawn, please just listen!”


“No.” she whispered back.


“Dawn, I didn’t mean…”


“You don’t get it!” Dawn finally shouted, “You were right, about everything! It is my fault!”


“Oh, Dawnie.” Buffy cringed realising there was more to this than her words, “You’re not...”


“I killed mom,” she gasped, “I never gave her time for herself. She had to look after me and I let her, and I never thanked her. She ran around after me her whole life and it killed her, just like you said!”


“Dawn?” Buffy asked as she sat down on the bed, “How long have you thought this?”


“Ever since we came home from the hospital,” she gasped again in a sobbed breath, it sounded ragged and painful, “Well?” she cried, “Its true right? You think it too?”


“No!” Buffy yelled climbing further up the bed to sit beside her. “I was just angry, I wouldn’t ever think that.”


“You said it.” she accused, still not turning to her fully.


“I didn’t mean it, I…”


“It doesn’t matter.” Dawn snapped petulantly, “I’m saying it doesn’t matter, because it’s true.”


“Dawn…” Buffy was lost for words, how had this got so messed up? This explained everything, her behaviour, her anger, her hiding in her room; it was guilt. Then Buffy had echoed her greatest fear, that she had killed their own mother. How could she take that back?


Buffy searched her heart for something, but the only way she could see this being fixed was to lay it all out. She didn’t know how to right this wrong, so that’s what she would tell her sister. Buffy might be the adult, but Dawn had been right, she wasn’t their mother. It was time to admit that.


“Dawn,” she began, “I’m so absolutely terrible at this. I’m the worst big sister ever. I’m trying to be mom, and I don’t know how to be mom. I don’t know how to fix this, but I need to, because what I said, I honestly didn’t mean it. I don’t think you’re to blame, I never have. You didn’t do anything, and I should have realised you thought this way and told you all this a long time ago…but it’s not your fault.”


Dawn sat up and turned to her for the first time. “Really?”


“Oh god,” Buffy said squeezing her eyes shut, “I can’t even believe you think that; I can’t believe I said that all to you. It was…”


“You really didn’t mean it?” Dawn asked quietly, ignoring everything else but that for now.


“I didn’t Dawn, because you’re not to blame.” She hugged her close, pulling her sister’s fragile body and cradling it into hers. “You couldn’t have done anything differently to stop what happened. It was an accident; no one could have stopped it.”


Dawn pulled away, “But I…”


“But nothing,” Buffy said cutting her off, “You don’t think we could all blame ourselves?” she said lifting Dawn’s face, wiping one side free of tears, “Mom decided not to do anything about her aneurysm, that was her call. Giles let her decide not to have the surgery.” She paused, swallowing the lump in her throat, “And me and Spike…well we didn’t even come around enough to know about any of it.”


“That’s not your fault,” she sniffled, “I was here and I didn’t know. They didn’t want us to know.”


“Exactly.” Buffy said firmly, “Everyone played a part, and we could all be to blame if we decided to make up the reasons in our head, but none of it matters…do you know the real reason mom’s gone?”


Dawn shook her head.


“Neither do I.” Buffy said firmly, “We’ll never know…” Buffy knew it wasn’t the most comforting thing she could have said, but it’s what she believed. She could never give Dawn proof of anything, she could only do one thing for her, and that was be honest, “The one thing I do know is that it isn’t your fault, Dawn. So you have to stop blaming yourself.”


Dawn shifted and hugged Buffy this time, almost knocking her over, she buried her head as far into her stomach as she could, and she cried even more, but Buffy didn’t mind these tears so much, because she knew that they were laced with relief.


“I’m so sorry, Dawnie. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.” she stroked her hair, and rocked her little sister as she cried, “It just happened.”


Since I was born I started to decay.
Now nothing ever, ever goes my way...

Spike was at a loss. Ever since her talk with Buffy Dawn had been better, maybe a little quiet, but better. However Buffy wasn’t, she was miserable. He was the only one who saw it, but he knew things for her hadn’t changed, and because he knew it she had to awkwardly avoid talking to him, because that would have to be real and honest.


“Why are you still so upset about Dawn?” he finally asked her one night in her room. The tension was killing him and he needed to know. He knew damn well that’s what it was all about, but he just didn’t know why she felt that way.


“I did it; I got through to her, but I wouldn’t call it a success, would you?” she answered plainly as if he should already understand.


“I bloody would.” he said, “It’s a miracle getting through to Dawn at the best of times, and you two have been right as rain since, you should be proud.”


“I failed.” she said resigned to the fact.


She didn’t say anything for a long time, so Spike pushed her, “Kitten.” he begged, “Tell me.”


Kitty came back home from on the island,
But kitty came on home without a name…


“I’m not good at this stuff.” she stressed, “It took me forever to get through to her, and all I needed was the right words; how emotionally stunted am I to not realise all I had to do was have a heart to heart with her? She was lashing out at me, she would have done anything to upset me, and I could have stopped it all weeks ago! Those people she was going around with…they could have…”


“But they didn’t.”


“No thanks to me!” she continued, “What about next time she has a problem, how long will it take me?”


“Next time will be better.” he assured her, “Next time you’ll know what to say, and you’ll know what to do, and if you don’t then me and my dad are here.”


“Maybe.”


He sighed, “Buffy, listen…”


“No. I get it.” She smiled to cover her doubts, sounding very far from getting it.


She was shutting him out again. He knew it, but she didn’t. It’s why he let her get away with it, because it was unconscious most of the time and she couldn’t help it. But no matter how unaware she was, it still stung him.


Silence overtook him then; he didn’t know what to say. He felt that tight feeling in his chest that came on every time he thought about losing her. That night they’d had the argument about Drusilla and everything that followed felt misty in his memory, but no matter how far away, it was always in the back corner of his mind reminding him how he almost lost her, and how much he owed her for hearing him out, for taking him back, for loving him through all his problems. If she could stay with him through that, he could be with her through this.


He really hoped he could.


And there was that pain again, higher now and burning, at the thought of things getting worse. He wanted to be here, but he didn’t know if she would let him. Things seemed to be getting worse not better and if she wouldn’t let him be here for her then he would in affect lose her anyway. He couldn’t imagine ever being without her again; it would be the worst kind of torment.


She and me's history of violence,
But I long, I burn to touch her just the same…


“I can’t do this on my own can I?” she said suddenly, wide eyed and stood firm.


“What do you mean, luv?” he asked confused, too busy with his own thoughts to understand hers at first.


“I’m trying to do it all on my own, and that’s why I’m failing.” A tear slipped down her face freely. Spike realised he hadn’t been the only one to reflect in the few minutes of silence they’d shared.


Buffy was overwhelmed by the realisation, but she felt she needed to voice it; she needed him to know she understood where she was going wrong. “I thought it was me being strong, but it was just me being foolish. You’ve been trying to help me, and maybe if I’d let you take on some of the responsibility then this would have been easier.”


Spike sighed, “I understand, Buffy, I understand why you didn’t, but I let Dawn down too, I’m as much to blame.”


She shook her head, “No. I remember, I remember all those times you tried to talk to her and I yelled over you. The Dawn thing was my fault in the first place. I was bossing her around instead of listening to her, and I made it clear to her you were on my side. So she couldn’t open up to you either. I basically let you help with the only thing I knew you couldn’t fix, and I think that’s why I did it, so when you failed I could justify not asking you again.”


Buffy walked over to the window and stared out of it distantly.


Spike came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, it was the first time in a long time she had allowed him to be tender with her without it being sexual and it felt nice. They stayed that way for a long time, not speaking and not taking things any further. She laid her head back on his chest and it felt so good.


After maybe 10 minutes she finally took a deep breath in, ready to move on. “I’m so sorry,” she sighed, “for everything.” She turned around and kissed him slowly. He returned the kiss with enthusiasm still a little confused, but it was Buffy that pulled away first because she had more to confess. “I know what I’ve been doing, Spike. I know I’ve been selfish.”


“Buffy its okay…”


“Its not.” she said harshly, “It is so not. Before, when I cut you off about Dawn, not okay. When I don’t listen to you when you’re just trying to be there for me, not okay.” she stressed.


Spike had now taken the good sense to be quiet and listen.


“I feel like I’m drowning, and I want to reach for you, because I know you’re my life saver…but I can’t. Something won’t let me, and I don’t know what it is, but I don’t want it ruining everything anymore.”


“Buffy you’re lost,” he defended, “trust me I know what that feels like. I was only a baby when my mum died, but it meant I grew up with this stuff. And everyone thinks that’s worse, that you can hold it together better when you’re older, but it’s never better. You’ve still gone through this awful thing, and when I did everyone was looking after me. Whereas you, you’ve been trying to be strong for everyone else. And sometimes you needed a crutch, sometimes you needed understanding, and sometimes you needed to put on a brave face so you needed me to leave you alone. No matter what you needed me for or what you did I always understood why you did it.”


“But I’ve treated you so badly, like you’re not my boyfriend or my family. I’ve been taking everything from you and pushing you away at the same time. I’ve been ashamed and guilty and sad about it, but I’ve done it anyway. Just because my mom died doesn’t give me free reign to be grand bitch of Sunnydale.”


“It sort of does.” he said lightly.


“Well you shouldn’t let me be.” She paused and pouted. “Not that I’m saying I am or anything.”


Spike couldn’t help but smile. He tried to bite it back as his hands began to stroke her arms encouragingly, “Buffy, it’s really okay. You know all I want from you is a crumb. As long as I know you still care I’ll be here no matter how you treat me.”


Buffy grimaced, “I don’t want that.”


“Then what do you want, luv?”


She thought hard about that for a minute and then answered him, “I want to be better for you. I want you to stay because you love me, the person I am, the things that I do. Not because you remember way back when I didn’t kick you like a dog.”


Spike shook his head, “I do love the person you are. The way you’ve been acting is not the person you are, it’s the person you’re trying to be to deal with what’s going on, the person you need to be right now to survive. I’ve been there, done that, and I get it.” He touched her hair softly. “Don’t ever think I don’t know the real you, Buffy, because I do.”


So we both can speak in tongues…


“I love you, Spike.” she said, emotions bubbling now, her skin on fire with the electricity of it all. “I will be better.”


He smiled at her, “I don’t want that, luv. I just want you to be happy.”


She felt warmth ripple through her.


Every single sense in me is heightened…


The next thing she knew she’d grabbed him. She was hugging him with all her energy, what little she had left. She didn’t want to ever let him go; she didn’t want him to let her go. She could stay there forever, out of time, out of mind of everyone else and maybe be happy.


Like a slave to history and science,
I long, I burn to touch you just the same…


He hugged her tightly, he couldn’t express in words how relieved he was to hear her say these things, to acknowledge it all, so he just pulled her closer. He could smell the vanilla in her hair and suddenly she consumed his senses. He pulled away, just enough so he could turn his head to kiss her neck. It started off lightly and then her hand moved to slip into his hair and hold him to her.


So we both can speak in tongues…


As he moved his kisses lower to her shoulder, and back up to her ear her knees felt as if they would buckle beneath her. He stepped away to look at her, his eyes burning with desire, needing to show her how much he loved her, but asking for her permission to continue, because he didn’t want to overwhelm her.


Don't let them have their way,
You're beautiful and so blasé.


His palm held her cheek as he stared into her eyes, taking in how lovely she looked. Even after all this time together, even after he’d seen her and took her in every way possible he was still in awe of her.


So please don't let them have their way,
Don't fall back into the decay.


She leaned back into him, kissing him deeply; feeling alive as his hands grabbed her and pulled her nearer with urgency.


There is no law we must obey.


Her arms went up to wrap around his neck, he lifted her up and her legs came off the floor to cradle his hips.


So please don't let them have their way.


They stumbled forwards, not looking where they were going until his shins hit the side of the bed.


Don't give in to yesterday.


They fell down onto the mattress with a squeak and she opened her legs to let him settle down between them.


We can build a new tomorrow, today…

His palms traced the skin of her belly and slipped beneath her top, dragging the material up. As he nuzzled her neck he felt her shake her head and moved so he could see her face.


“You first.” she said in answer to his silent question of what was wrong.


Without a second thought he sat up on his knees away from her and tugged the black tee he had on over his head. Staring down at her as if to say it was her move she was frozen still by the heat in his eyes. Seeing he would have to be verbal in order to bring her back to the present he moved back over her like a stalking tiger, his voice low and rumbly as he challenged, “Now you.”


Not one to be out-dared she pulled her top off, and his hands went back to her waist as he laid first one, then two kisses on her now naked stomach. He drew back and unbuttoned her jeans, pulling the zipper down slowly and then yanking them to her knees roughly, the denim scrapping uncomfortably against her calves.


Her hands went to his belt, but her fingers fumbled and in the end he got off the bed and unbuckled it himself, shedding his jeans while she unhooked her bra and lay there now only in her panties waiting for him.


He was still quite intimidating when he stood in front of her fully naked, that was something she never seemed to get used to no matter how long they’d been together or how many times. For some reason it was more alarming when he stood there like that than when he was right next to her touching her, or even inside her, and she thought deep down he knew how much it shocked her and he liked it.


The truth was Spike did like to make her wait. He knew for Buffy the tension heightened everything, even if she didn’t always like to admit it, but right now he needed to stand here away from her just to collect himself. She was laid out like a buffet for him to enjoy and he needed a minute to catch his breath.


Minute over he climbed back on the bed and lay next to her. Perched up on one arm he stared at her, dragging his gaze all the way from her toes to her lips, agonizingly slowly. She was breathing heavily as he moved his free hand and ghosted it over her knee and then up to her thigh.


I’ll be your water bathing you clean,
The liquid peace…


His hand ran over her skin and back down a few times, stopped to squeeze the firmest part of her thigh and then he was on her, kissing her fiercely.


A dramatic change of pace once again his mouth left hers all too quickly, but it didn’t leave her body. His kisses slipped lower, leaving a seductive trail down her chest and stomach, and then he dragged her underwear aside and kissed her there.


He flicked her clit once with his tongue and she moaned loudly. He looked up at her as if to express she’d failed, one thing they’d been practicing the past week was how to be quiet, but he hadn’t done this in a long time so it wasn’t entirely fair of him to test her. He waggled his eyebrows at her outrageously and without giving her anymore time to adjust to his plan he began licking her again. He settled for a spot to the left of her clit, he knew she was almost as sensitive there so she would not only be highly aroused but it would be just frustrating enough that it wouldn’t bring her off completely. Eventually he had to stop to pull off her panties, he tossed them god knows where and continued a beat later tormenting her.


Buffy didn’t know what to do with her hands, he was relentless with her, but he never pushed her enough. Every time she felt ready to go over he pulled back or slowed down. Every single inch of her skin tingled; there was a knot forming low in her belly, but just as it got unbearably tight he did something to relax it and everything began again.


Her hands grabbed the sheet beneath her and then finding no purpose slipped into his hair. She tried to move his head, to make his tongue flick her clit again, or even go lower down to her opening; right now she was sure any move would send her flying.


In the end his scheme to tease her failed, he wanted at the last minute to lick her slowly all the way up from her centre to her nub, he was sure that would do the trick, but she was wound so tight that he accidentally brought her off without even trying. He’d never done that before, he normally had to work damn hard, and as he looked up at her he didn’t know which one of them was more surprised.


His cock was painfully hard, he loved going down on her and he hadn’t for a long time. He loved the act itself, when he was in the mood to be unselfish, which he had to admit didn’t happen all the time, but in his eyes it was also a strong symbol that she was ready to let him love her again. That’s how he saw it right now, and that made it even harder to express how he felt, so instead of spoiling anything with words, which he worried would not be enough he climbed up on top of her again, pushing one of his hands behind her head and into her tangled hair. He forced her up to meet his mouth in a desperate kiss.


I’ll be your ether,
You’ll breathe me in,


She tasted herself when she kissed him and that excited her more than she liked to admit. And she didn’t know why because she knew that she shouldn’t be ashamed of something she liked, but she wasn’t the type of person to easily let go of those nagging judgemental thoughts. Spike helped her forget them a little quicker sometimes though, like now.


He told her with every kiss and every caress that everything she did was right in his eyes. Every time she moved, every time she was bold, every time she took initiative she heard his positive response. More and more in bed she was becoming a confident lover, but right now she felt that Spike needed to take the lead, that he had something to prove to her more than she did to him.


She wasn’t wrong, although Buffy felt like she’d let Spike down his insecurities lie in the fear that even after her acknowledgement she would revert to not letting him be there for her. What he needed right now was to show her he loved her and for her to let him, and she understood that.


He tried to express with his body that he would be all she wanted; he’d be her everything if from now on she’d let him. He knew he could never bring her mother back, save his father, or right every wrong that Dawn had, but for Buffy he could be whatever she needed.


I’ll be your father,
I’ll be your mother,
I’ll be your lover,
I’ll be yours…


His hand went down to guide himself in between her lower lips; the head of his cock bumped her clit a few times. She couldn’t tell if he’d done it on purpose or by accident, but either way she was so stimulated it made her jump.


Eventually it rested at her entrance, and he looked into her eyes as he sank in slowly all the way into her.


I’ll be your anchor,
You’ll never leave…


They stayed still with each other for just a moment, that initial connection feeling extraordinary every time, especially if it had been a while since they were last together. It was true they had been having sex, even made love recently, but both of them knew it was altogether different this time.


I’ll be your liquor bathing your soul…


His first few movements were slow and deliberate, but soon she felt him shaking and knew he was holding himself back too much. Her hand moved from his back up to his shoulders, and he understood she was trying to get his attention. When he looked at her she smiled, and he was overwhelmed at how beautiful she was. She kissed him gently and moved beneath him setting a rhythm for them both. He groaned into her mouth and matched her at every turn.


Well I’ve seen you suffer,
I’ve seen you cry, for days and days,
So I’ll be your liquor,
Demons will drown and float away…


With every stroke inside her she felt a little piece of her disappearing into the air around them, but they were pieces of her pain, pieces of her guilt, pieces of the fears she didn’t want. Each second with him was a reminder of how much she loved him, how much he’d changed her life for the better, how much they were meant to be together this way over any other.


He was still moving slow, but his thrusts were so deep she felt like he would break her in two. She looked up at him and he was breathing hard, lost in the pleasure of her. She kissed him urgently before wrapping her arms around him and pulling him further down so he could cradle his head in her shoulder. She felt him panting into her neck and now that his body was closer she felt every movement more strongly.


“Buffy?!”


This time it wasn’t Spike that said her name.


Her head was thrown back; otherwise she would have been able to see who it was who’d just barged into her room. But the distress, the recognition in that voice, she knew who it was all too well.


She pushed Spike, it didn’t take a lot because he’d recognised the voice as well and was already moving to pull out of her, he was just trying to shield her naked body in the process.


When he moved Buffy met the eyes of the intruder. She couldn’t look away from the tears, the judgement, and the repulsion she saw there, there as she looked into the eyes of their sister.


I’ll be your lover,
I’ll be yours…

What's wrong with this picture?

Dawn had left before they could even say her name in recognition. Spike had jumped out of the bed and called after her and she’d paused on the landing, not because of his voice, just to collect herself. As he was gathering up his clothes from the floor they both heard her run downstairs. The front door creaked open and banged shut.


Buffy was still laid in bed when Spike told her impatiently to get up. The next minute she was panicking to pull on her jeans and find her bra as he huffed behind her, making her anything but calm.


“Is my dad home?” he asked, suddenly pausing, one leg in the denim he’d been wearing earlier.


Buffy shook her head and he nodded and got back on with dressing.


It wasn’t strange for Giles not to be accounted for at this time. His routine usually consisted of staggering home at 12am when the bars kicked him out or cut him off, and it was only 11. They’d find him the next morning sleeping it off, but he’d make his way to his office soon after everyone woke and continue to drink in there until midday when he went to buy more drink, or straight to the ‘pub’ ready for the day to begin again.


“We have to talk to her.” Spike said shaking his head as he fastened his jeans up haphazardly.


Buffy paused, half naked, staring into space, “What are we going to say?”


Spike pulled his t-shirt over his head and strode up to her. He grabbed her arms and shook her a little, hoping she would pull herself together. “I know this isn’t the way we would ever want her to find out, but she knows about us now…we can’t undo it. All we can do is tell her everything, so she understands, so she doesn’t think we’re…”


He didn’t need to say any more, she nodded. Buffy understood, she just couldn’t comprehend.


He turned away from her, spotting a jumper of hers on the floor he picked it up and threw it at her. It hadn’t been what she was wearing and it didn’t even fit her properly, but it’d have to do. He ran down the stairs, pulling one boot on as he opened the door, pulling on the other after he’d already stepped outside.


She was still in the bedroom thumbing the jumper between her fingertips, staring at the holes in the mesh.


“What’s wrong, Buffy? Come on!” he shouted behind him, too frustrated to wait for her.


Buffy pulled the wool over her head and followed the way he’d gone dumbly, catching the railing of the stairs and pausing for a moment before she went all the way down.


And she stood still, staring into the night not wanting to follow where her brother and sister had gone running.


What's wrong with this picture?


She had been so selfish, they had been so selfish. She was under no illusion how wonderful Spike was, how she knew for sure that they were meant to be together, but right now it was time to think about everyone else. They weren’t the whole world; there was a world outside of them that had picked their roles. And no matter how unique and beautiful their love was, they were born to be family. How dare they choose to have what they wanted at the cost of everyone else’s happiness?


Telling people, it’s why they’d come, and she’d made up with Spike knowing that’s what he still wanted to do, and what she’d have to do to keep him. It was a sacrifice she was willing to make for him, but now she saw it wasn’t only her sacrifice to make.


Sure it might lose her the love and respect of her family and people in the neighbourhood might stare and whisper, but some would say she deserved it, that was her choice. But what had Dawn and Giles done to deserve any of it? She had chosen this; she had been prepared for any backlash. But seeing Dawn’s face, Buffy realised that no one had prepared her sister.


Forbidden snowflake,
Beware this troubled world.
Watch out for earthquakes…


Dawn had realised immediately that going into Buffy’s room was a bad idea when she heard the noises and saw the movements, ‘always knock in future’ she decided. But her next thought was something like, ‘How sick is that?’ then, ‘Why didn’t Spike use his own room if he wanted to get some slut into bed? Wasn’t it perverse?’ Then he’d pressed his face into said slut’s neck and she was clear for the first time.


She wanted to heave; she actually wanted to puke her guts up, as if the memories would be purged at the same time. It was cold and dark outside, she hadn’t got a coat, but she heard her brother’s barrelling footsteps not too far behind her and she picked up her pace. Being cold was better than facing either of them right now.


Before she knew it she had circled around, she was on her own street again. Too angry to look where she had been going and now she was trapped, he was behind her, and the scene of the crime in front.


She carried on having no other choice, but when she reached their yard she saw Buffy in the doorway of their house. The jumper she wore was old and tattered, it was pulled so much that it was too big for her and she looked like a child caught wearing a grownup’s clothes without permission. It annoyed Dawn that she could look so guilty, but still dare to stand in front of her.


“Dawnie, I’m so sorry.” she whispered.


Dawn exploded, “Don’t say a word to me!”


Buffy shifted in the doorway uncomfortably, having nothing else to say.


Spike jogged up behind them a minute later, the silence was deafening. He tried to assess what had been said, but he didn’t rely on Buffy to have saved the situation, she was in no state to. “Bit,” he tried, “please listen to us…”


“No!” she screamed, “I don’t wanna hear it, and believe me I did not want to see it!” she folded her arms across her chest.


“Look, pet. It’s not what you think.” he insisted.


She huffed, “So I didn’t just see my sister and brother doing it?!” She was shaking with anger and there were still tears in her eyes.


Spike didn’t know what to say for a moment, it was hard to get Dawn to listen at the best of times; he would have to try though. “We’re in love.” he said, cutting straight to the point.


Dawn laughed harshly.


“Its true.” he said, “Tell her, Buffy.”


Dawn turned, and Buffy nodded meekly. She wondered if she could actually physically speak anymore, so did Spike.


Dawn spun around and raised an eyebrow at Spike, “So our mom dies and suddenly you two are in love?”


He shook his head, “No, it happened a long time ago, while we were in New York. It’s the reason we came back in the first place, to tell you…”


She turned from him to Buffy again and looked at her questioningly. Buffy hung her head to escape the culpability and avoided Dawn’s gaze.


“You didn’t tell me, I found out.” Dawn said numbly.


“But we were going to, and then…” Spike stopped.


Goodbye to open sores,
To broken semaphore…


He started again, “I know this is a lot for you to take in, and I know I’m your brother and Buffy is your sister, but she isn’t my sister.”


Dawn’s head whipped up to him, briefly thinking it was so appalling to say that, and then she realised why he’d said it. She felt sick again, he was trying to justify the whole thing.


Her expression turned sour, but he held firm.


“She isn’t.” he said unwavering.


Dawn tried to think it all through, but her thoughts were a jumble. Her stomach wanted to be sick and her brain wanted to switch off completely so it could stop thinking about it.


“We all miss Joyce, but this isn’t about that.” Spike said, making it worse.


You know we miss her,
We miss her picture…


Dawn welled up at thoughts of her mother, and any chance of her accepting this and listening to their side of things disappeared.


She turned to Buffy once more, sister to sister and said, “Mom would be ashamed of you.”


Tears pricked at Buffy’s eyes, because she knew it was true. She’d hoped against hope that one day her mother would have come to terms with it all, but in her heart she knew her first reaction would have been one as bad as this.


Dawn turned back to Spike, “Don’t follow me.” she demanded, “I’m going to Janice’s; she said I could stay over whenever I wanted. I’m going and I’ll come back whenever the hell I want. You two will not bother me there.”


With that she turned and left. Spike didn’t stop her; he couldn’t even try when he saw Buffy’s face. She wasn’t just hurt by what Dawn had said he could tell she believed it too. As the cold bit into him he felt utterly alone.


Hang on…
Though we try,
It's gone…


His eyes appealed to her, just like they had with Giles’s words, to sort truth from angry accusation, but his silent pleas were lost. Sombrely she turned her back on him and walked inside.


Hang on…
Though we try,
It's gone…

If it's a bad day,
You try to suffocate.
Another memory... scarred.


Buffy hadn’t said a word since Dawn had left; as she sat she tried to form a lie. God knows where Giles was, but eventually he would want to know what had happened, and now that Dawn had found out and all her worst fears were realised she knew she couldn’t tell Giles the truth as well.


However Spike was trying to think of ways to fix everything, not hide it. He knew Dawn needed her space and that going after her would be a bad idea. It was too soon now, but eventually when she came home he would need to say something to her. He was trying to think what, and how they could avoid all this when they told Giles.


And if they’d talked instead of sitting there in silence thinking in their own heads, they would have known how differently they were reacting. Sat side by side they didn’t realise the ocean that swam between them.


Buffy felt her guilt eating away at her insides, like if it didn’t stop there would be nothing left. How could she do this to Dawn? How could she do something that would alienate her this way, abandon her when she had no one?


She imagined what Dawn was going through, the confusion. It would be confusing, because from her side it would seem like incest, especially with the way Buffy and Spike had been playing happy families. She would never understand how for months they had been the furthest from siblings, because they had hidden that from her.


Dawn would be angry too; she might see it as shaming Joyce’s memory, or a personal slight to do something so taboo behind the family’s back. It was all done in secret, so of course she would be feeling betrayed. After the other night Buffy had made a new link with her, an unspoken promise and she had broken it. She had lied and deceived her ever since. She didn’t blame Dawn for leaving.


In a way maybe Spike had been right all this time, maybe she should have been told sooner. Although deep down Buffy doubted it would have gone any differently she could have been spared the betrayal. Either way it was too late to explain, too late to justify anything. It had been done wrong and there would be no going back.


If it's a bad case,
Then you accelerate,
You're in the getaway... car.


Dawn walked all the way to Janice’s, she tried not to think about it, but her mind wouldn’t let her think about anything else. The sick feeling was still there, but mostly she was angry; the rage inside her was too much to bear. Every step she took made her angrier, as if every second she filled up with more repulsion; it made her footsteps heavy.


Stopping she felt like she was going to scream, but when Janice opened the door something else swept over Dawn. She couldn’t quite label it, but whatever it was forced the tears out. They weren’t angry tears, she didn’t know what they were but they wouldn’t stop.


She stepped inside and Janice put her arms around her. Janice’s mom popped her head out of the kitchen and on seeing Dawn and the state she was in she stepped into the hallway, concern in her eyes. She put a hand on Dawn’s back, steadying her as she cried.


Dawn’s plan had been to tell them everything. She didn’t know if it was a need for revenge, to air the dirty laundry and spill the secret they were obviously trying so hard to keep; just to make them feel a sliver of what she felt right now, but in the end the words wouldn’t come. She hated them.


You don't care about us…


Spike did feel sympathy, because not in a million years had he wanted his little sister to see him that way, but unlike Buffy his main feeling wasn’t guilt, it was disappointment. After all the progress they had made he thought Dawn had seen how her recent actions were selfish. Once Buffy had acknowledged but still laid to rest her fears about their mother she had been thinking of others a lot more. After that how could she not even try and see things from their side?


It wasn’t entirely his fault to think this way, because he’d spent too much time rationalising the situation to himself. He’d forgotten how it had been at the start for them, how difficult it had been to admit their feelings to each other, to shelve them in a place that was considered okay. He’d forgotten that to the outside world what they were doing needed a better explanation than love, that a story needed to be told, that even that might not be enough.


It was like the child’s theory of mind, how children under a certain age can’t comprehend any state, thoughts or feelings other than their own, even if at one time in the past they’d experienced them themselves. He couldn’t understand her point, and he couldn’t empathise with her pain.


He just kept thinking she was selfish, because right now was his and Buffy’s time. They had had their conflict, they had experienced enough guilt and enough troubles, and they had pushed through it all. He and Buffy were finally happy and now Dawn was in the way. He never thought he would resent his own sister.


You don’t care about us…


Dawn didn’t have anything with her apart from the clothes she wore, nothing for school if she did decide to go, nothing to sleep in or wear tomorrow. She couldn’t brush her teeth in the morning, or comb her hair. But nothing would make her go back to that house.

Janice’s mom changed the sheets on Janice’s bed and they both put her to sleep. Janice made do with a sleeping bag on the floor, feeling that Dawn would need her close. She didn’t ask her why she was here, she thought she already knew.


If it's a bad case,
You're on the rampage.
Another memory... scarred.


Dawn had made up some excuse to Janice’s mother; the lie that eventually came out was about her feeling like a burden at home. She didn’t want to talk about it she’d said, but she just needed some space. It was clear Janice’s mother wanted to pry a little, but she never would and Dawn knew it. She even got her to promise not to ring her house.


It might have been shame that made her lie about why she was here. Part of her couldn’t admit what she had seen; it was just too much to process. She felt shame for herself, for their mother, and for their family as a whole.


You're at the wrong place,
You're on the back page,
You're in the getaway... car.


“I should have known Dawn would react like this.” Buffy said breaking the silence.


“Yeah,” Spike agreed, “We should have told her sooner.”


Buffy inwardly flinched at that idea. She’d thought about it, but if they had told her sooner this would have just happened sooner.


“Really?” she asked him, trying to gauge where he was in his head, as it seemed so different to where she was.


“Of course,” he replied, “then she wouldn’t have had to find out that way. She wouldn’t have had to see and then that wouldn’t have blinded her when we tried to explain…” He corrected himself remembering Buffy’s frustrating silence throughout the whole ordeal, “When I tried to explain.” He added, “She would have understood.”


“She would have understood.” Buffy repeated, as if it was the silliest thing she’d ever heard, and it offended him.


“Buffy,” he gaped, “this doesn’t change anything between us.”


Buffy didn’t acknowledge that with a response. It changed everything.


He saw thoughts going through her mind, she was struggling with something. He didn’t know what to say to her, so he stood up and hugged her, but he felt her pull back almost immediately.


“I think we should cool things, Spike.” she said.


“What?” he asked a little too loudly. “‘Cool things?’ We’re not 15.”


“Just until Dawn’s over everything.” she sighed. “Don’t you see? It’s the only way. She’s never going to come home, not like this.” To her it was as simple as that. They couldn’t be together now, maybe one day, but now she needed to be here for Dawn.


“She’s never going to be over it.” Spike said breathily, “She might never fully understand, you always knew that was a possibility.”


Buffy didn’t deny it.


You're too complicated, we should separate it.


“I think you were right,” he said desperately, “I think you were right when you said this thing between us wasn’t something that could be left and picked up whenever we wanted. So if you do this, if you do this we’re not going to ever have a chance.”


“You’re giving me an ultimatum?” she stated calmly and paused, not so much waiting for an answer, simply turning over the thought in her own mind.


You're just confiscating, you're exasperating.


She felt like an earthquake had started in her knees, the kind of earthquake that’s all consuming once it builds momentum, so she tucked it away the best she could. She tensed her body to stop herself from shaking until she could be alone, but the pressure squeezed the tears from her eyes.


“I’m so sorry, Spike.” she said, “But you’re not just asking me to choose now or never, you’re asking me to choose you over Dawn.”


“I’m not.” he said, but even as he said it he knew she was right.


“You are,” she sighed, “Dawn’s not going to talk to either of us while we’re together, and she has no one else. I can’t abandon her, so if you want me to make a choice, it’s made.”


“And that’s that?” he asked finitely.


She nodded.


He screwed his eyes shut and pushed past her, no longer able to look at her or even be in the same room as her. Once he left she let the quake take over. She shook with the force of her grief, now not only for her mother but for them, and she didn’t stop shaking for hours.


He sat in his room mulling over his options, but there was only one thing he could do now. He phoned Oz and told him to expect him back in New York by the end of the week.


Think I'll leave it all behind, save this bleeding heart of mine.

Cast your mind back to the days,
When I’d pretend I was OK.
I had so very much to say,
About my crazy livin'.


Spike had woken early, he couldn’t face being there when Buffy got up and he imagined she felt the same. He took the stairs gently, not wanting to wake her, or his father who he found as usual slumped over the couch. As set as he was on getting out of here for the day he still automatically did what he or Buffy did every morning if they found him there, walked towards the chest in the front room, opened it, and took out the old blue woollen blanket. He walked towards Giles, feeling a pang not only from the smell that assaulted him, but also from the sight. His dad, someone he’d always admired was laid in such a pitiful way it reminded him all too well that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. He knew this thing from the other side, he knew not only did Giles look uncomfortable, with his arm bent awkwardly back and his head stuffed suffocatingly in the crease of the cushion, but that he was truly uncomfortable. In fact comfort hadn’t entered into the drunk’s mind, nothing had, he’d fallen where his body had finally given out and that was all. He remembered all the times he’d been like this, but the only time it’d ever become his life like it had his father’s was when Buffy and him had split the first time.


He looked towards the stairs when he thought of her. He knew she wouldn’t come down if she thought he was here, so he’d have to make himself scarce. He wasn’t naïve, she wouldn’t have changed her mind since last night and part of him didn’t blame her. What he’d done was a jerk move. He didn’t mean to make her choose between him and Dawn, but after the words had slipped out, he knew that deep down that’s what his bruised ego wanted.


He wanted Buffy to run away back home with him, where no one would judge them or come between them, but that wasn’t her way.


He knew he had to stop running, but he still planned to leave at the end of the week; calling the band hadn’t been a mistake. He didn’t know if she would understand why he had to go, but he did. Every day here would be painful for both of them. He knew she might see it like running, but it wasn’t. He had made commitments to the guys, he had a life in New York, and staying here would be living in a bubble. That’s what Buffy needed right now, but they weren’t together and he couldn’t stay here for her and let his own life fall by the wayside if that was the case.


As he left he thought that in a perfect world he could go up to her and apologise, but he didn’t see that helping. He could say he wanted her back, that he was sorry for what he’d done, she could say the same. But it didn’t change the fact that Buffy didn’t want to be with him right now, or that he was wounded by that. It didn’t stop him wanting to go home and knowing she wasn’t ready. It didn’t stop him feeling angry at Dawn, and knowing all Buffy felt was guilty. They were in such different places he didn’t see this being solved by an ‘I’m sorry’ or even an ‘I love you.’


As he walked around the town he’d grown up in he saw it hadn’t changed much, but he had, and so had Buffy since they were last here. It was easy to imagine leaving this place, it didn’t feel so much like home, but Buffy was his home, and it hurt to imagine leaving her.


He tried to think about how his life had been with Drusilla; he’d been happy, right? But something had always been off. They had been in love and she was a great girlfriend, but he and Buffy were two pieces of the same thing, and he knew he’d never had that before with anyone.


It didn’t seem likely after having something so perfect that he would ever find it again, but he hoped one day they would mend. That didn’t seem likely either right now, but it was all he could cling onto. He felt like if he made things right with Dawn and his father he would feel better about that, but he only had a few days.


Now that I've stared into the void,
So many people, I've annoyed.
I have to find a middle way,
A better way of givin'.


When the doorbell rang Buffy tensed, then she remembered she was expecting someone, ergo she had to answer it whether she liked it or not. When the wood sprang open she saw Janice’s mom stood on her doorstep, “Hello, Buffy.” she said softly.


“Hi, Mrs Penshaw. Come in.”


The woman all too close to her mother’s age smiled carefully, wanting to seem happy to see Buffy after a long time, but also not wanting to be overly merry given why she was here. Dawn had mentioned that Janice called her the “Mominator” and she could see why. She was almost robotic in her social approach. She never made a single mistake; strict with her own behaviour she could imagine she was with Janice’s too. Maybe she could give her some tips; after all it seemed Dawn liked this woman a hell of a lot more than her right now.


“You must call me by my first name, Buffy. I insist.” she said sliding into the hall.


That wasn’t going to happen; Buffy wasn’t one of the mothers. She was the same age as Janice’s sister, though she’d never met her, so it would be too weird. ‘Mrs Penshaw’ would have to do.


She’d called earlier to let Buffy know Dawn was at her house, and apologised for not calling the night before. Apparently Dawn had begged her not to, and she was in such a state she couldn’t get her to agree to anything without promising that. Of course she’d called first thing this morning, “I know what it’s like when they don’t come home.” she’d said. That was considerate, Buffy tried to remember, but after that is when she’d overstepped the mark.


She’d told Buffy it was probably best if Dawn stayed with her for a little while. She’d then gone on to talk about how everyone in Buffy’s family must be struggling right now, but Buffy knew what she was implying, that they were all too busy to care about Dawn. That wasn’t the case, but what she said after Buffy couldn’t argue with, Dawn had said she didn’t feel wanted at home.


Buffy’s heart clenched. She’d tried to come up with a reason that Dawn couldn’t stay, but part of her knew Dawn needed her space and a larger part knew she couldn’t face her yet. So maybe it was true, maybe she didn’t want Dawn here. After thinking that she felt awful, right to the core. This woman could see she wasn’t doing right by Dawn, and apparently she could make her feel wanted. That’s when she’d reluctantly agreed to let her come and pick up a few of Dawn’s things.


“What brought all this on do you think?” Mrs Penshaw asked as she followed Buffy into the dining room. “She seemed to be doing better.”


“I don’t know.” Buffy lied, “It probably just all got on top of her.”


They sat down at the table and Janice’s mom nodded to herself, “It can happen that way I suppose.” she said sadly. Then she seemed to think awhile and the reasons behind it came back to her. She grabbed Buffy hands in hers, “I’m so sorry again.”


Buffy forced a smile and nodded, it wasn’t as hard to do anymore. She’d had her practice and in her own way she’d started to accept and deal with it, which was why this thing with Dawn hurt so much; they’d all finally been doing better, apart from Giles of course.


Panic flushed through her at the thought of him coming in right now. The last thing they needed was the neighbourhood finding out their father was a drunk. Maybe it was best Dawn was out of all that, maybe it was also best if this woman left sooner rather than later.


At these thoughts and the worry that Janice’s mom would see right through her if they talked and she had to make up a more detailed lie about why Dawn didn’t want to come home she stood, “I’ll go fetch you the bag I made up for Dawn.” Then Buffy remembered her manners, “Unless you want to stay for a coffee?” She silently wished this woman had a busier life than she did.


“No.” she smiled warmly, “I’ll get out of your hair. I need to drop the bag with Dawn and then leave the girls to it while I go on a few errands.”


Buffy fetched the bag from upstairs, saw the woman out, and they exchanged a few more pleasantries before she finally left.


So I haven't given up,
But all my choices, my good luck...
Appear to go and get me stuck.


When she was gone Buffy turned around and collapsed against the back of the door. Part of her felt a little relieved Dawn was gone, it gave her room to breathe and room to think. She hated imagining how Dawn felt, but she couldn’t undo it, and until she came home nothing would be resolved. She also knew that she couldn’t force her to come home and there was no point wallowing over her own guilt until she did.


Now I am tryin' to break free,
Be in a state of empathy.


What’s done was done, and all she could do now was pull herself together so that when Dawn did come home she could be there for her like she should have been all along. She couldn’t do anything else.


As for Spike, she couldn’t even comprehend what to do. They hadn’t spoken since last night, she hadn’t even seen him, and her chest ached at the thought. She’d hurt him, she knew she had, but he’d hurt her right back.


What she needed right now was a partner, someone who would help her through this.


She didn’t need ultimatums, she didn’t need egos.


It was the most painful thing she’d ever done, and probably the worst thing she’d ever said to someone, but right now Dawn had no one real. Sure Janice was there for her, and apparently her mother too, but they weren’t her family and one day Dawn would realise that and she would feel alone. Buffy had made a hard choice, so hard that given the choice again she wasn’t sure what she would do, but it was done.


She wanted so much to repair the rift with Spike. It felt like a piece of her was missing, and no matter where she turned she couldn’t find it. She wanted this feeling to stop more than anything.


Eradicate this schism…


But this feeling was her life now it seemed, and she had to be strong through the pain.


A heart that hurts,
Is a heart that works.

As he squinted through the window across the yard ahead of him Giles could see Buffy’s long blonde hair passing backwards and forwards. He didn’t want the third degree right now, so he waited until the coast was clear. When she moved free of the phone and up towards the staircase he ventured forward, zigzagging his way across the unkept lawn.


They’re picking up pieces of me,
While they’re picking up pieces of you…


Buffy had been listening to a message from Dawn. All it said ominously was that she was coming home soon. It didn’t give an explanation, but it didn’t sound like a choice, and it didn’t sound forgiving. She hadn’t been gone all that long, but after hearing it Buffy knew one thing, she needed to lie down. All the blood was rushing to her head and she felt dizzy from it.


She climbed the stairs and crossed the landing heart in her throat. She didn’t want to see him, she didn’t want to have to talk to him or even catch his gaze, but she knew as soon as she passed his door she would have to look inside; she couldn’t help herself.


At first she couldn’t process what she’d seen, it was certainly more than she expected to see. She’d had a feeling he was there, she was always highly aware of his presence, and she half expected him to be awake, to be in there doing something. But what she actually saw him doing stopped her in her tracks.


Stupid me, to believe that I could trust in stupid you…


His duffle bag was set on its side on the bed; he was stuffing clothes and oddments into it. Never a good packer, but always a quick one; he’d packed up his life more than once. The first time for college she hadn’t watched because she’d been too upset, the second time after Dru she’d only seen the aftermath, and the third time he’d done it in secret. So, she figured, number three had been his inspiration.


“What are you doing?” she asked, confused. She stepped inside and waited for an answer, but he didn’t look up from his task. Why was he packing his stuff? Why hadn’t he stopped packing his stuff since she came in? Why was he still packing his stuff?


He carried on for a moment not acknowledging her, and that made her even more confused. She felt like she’d caught him doing something he shouldn’t, but he obviously didn’t feel that way; he made no move to cover it up, or even to look guilty.


She didn’t say anything more, but she might as well have because he couldn’t avoid it a moment longer. The tension in the room was enough that she didn’t have to make another move to get it out of him, he already felt prodded for information just by her staring.


“I’m leaving.” He sighed; he hadn’t wanted to blurt it out like that.


“What?!” Buffy shouted.


Spike steeled himself, “I’ve told the guys we can record; I’m leaving the day after tomorrow.”


And on the back of my hand,
Were directions I could understand…


Giles hung on at the bottom of the stairs; his mind was swimming and not in a good way, never in a good way, but he heard the conversation going on above his head through the liquor.


As the words penetrated he felt sick, and dizzy, and numb at first, mostly like he did as he drifted through every day since Joyce had left him. He stepped cautiously forward like a baby deer and landed a foot on the first step. It wasn’t a nice feeling, this feeling he had. He didn’t do it to himself because it was nice, he did it because it was better than the alternative, or what he remembered of it; he did it because he couldn’t remember what else to do.


But through the fog the voices of his children floated to him and for the first time in weeks what they said hit him without bouncing off into the void. They registered, and he knew in a moment of clarity that not only had he lost his wife, and his youngest daughter, but now his only son couldn’t stand to be around him. And there was only Buffy.


Now that old buzzard Johnny Walker,
Has gone and ruined all our plans,
Our best made plans…


Buffy wasn’t his own daughter, and that mattered now even less that it did before, because she was the only one prepared to put up with him. And what had he done to deserve her allegiance? Her loyalty? And what would be her reward at the end of it? The shell of a father who couldn’t even look her in the eyes, because they were so much like her mother’s?


He couldn’t blame Spike for wanting to leave; what had he done but push his children away? Joyce had slipped through his fingers through a cruel twist of fate, just like his first wife, Jenny. The universe had done it, and he’d had no control, but this was different.


No more, he thought setting his foot back on the first floor. The front door banged shut behind him a few staggered moments later.


Don’t leave me here to pass through time,
Without a map or road sign…


Buffy’s mouth moved over many reactions before she finally spoke one aloud, “How can you…You’re abandoning us again?” She’d meant the family, but she couldn’t help the double meaning slipping between them when she said ‘us.’


“Buffy, it’s not like that.” He shook his head vehemently. “This isn’t helping either one of us, being here together. If we’re over, we need to be over.”


Buffy was now shaking her head; she couldn’t believe he was running out on her again.


He knew just what she was thinking, but he was desperate for her to understand. In his heart he really believed it was her that was running out on them, abandoning her own life and love this time. He pursed his lips together and carried on packing before saying, “I’m not forgetting about you lot like I did when I was in college, and I’m not running scared like I did when I went to England. I’m just moving forward. I have to do this, it’s not about running away from something, it’s about running towards something this time.”


She didn’t know what to say at first. She took a deep breath.


Don’t leave me here my guiding light,
Because I…
Wouldn’t know where to begin…


“You can tell that to yourself, I don’t buy it.” she said finally.


He sighed, he didn’t know how else to make her understand, but the thought of leaving her without her acceptance really hurt. “It doesn’t matter what you believe, Buffy.” he lied, knowing it only didn’t change it. “I still have my life to live and I need to get on with it. It only seems like running because you’re staying here, but you’re making that choice as much as I’m making this one. We’ve been here a long time and now we have to make a decision about our lives back in New York. I want to go back, and if you won’t come with me then I have to go on my own.”


That stumped her. “You want me to come with you?”


“That’s…” he stopped, “That’s not what I mea…” He thought about it again, it wasn’t what he’d meant, but that didn’t mean much so he went a different way, “Would you? If I asked you to?”


She said nothing. It wasn’t that she tried to, or even that she was thinking it over; her mind was completely blank.


He sighed. “I guess that’s my answer.”


“I’m not ready.” she offered softly.


He nodded, he believed her. It’s why he hadn’t asked her before, and he didn’t begrudge her for it. She’d been stagnant for so long, but he recognised the change in her. She was making progress, but she would never leave before she’d fixed things with Dawn and he couldn’t wait that long, because even after this incident she would always find some reason to think Dawn wasn’t okay without her. He highly doubted Buffy would go back to college next year and that made him so angry, not at her exactly, but generally at her wasted talent.


Deep down he knew he’d wronged Dawn. He’d lied to her and he’d upset her, but what Buffy and him had been doing wasn’t wrong. Dawn would be fine or she wouldn’t be, it had nothing to do with his behaviour, it had to do with her opinion of his behaviour, and he felt like he was too old to explain himself or his actions to anyone anymore.


Unlike Buffy he had never worried about telling their family. He knew his dad would be shocked, but he’d understand, and Dawn would be okay with it eventually if he was. The way she found out and what she’d seen changed that, but in a way it didn’t matter, because if Buffy didn’t even want to be with him Dawn could easily forget it all.


He had no reason to be here anymore, his dad was the only loose end; it’d gone on long enough. He’d hoped the drinking was a phase, that when the grief subsided so would that, but the other morning he’d realised the truth. Short term he knew he could sober him up before he left. A long term fix would take more time than he had right now, but he could come back as soon as they’d finished the album and stay close to the house while he got him some professional help.


As for Buffy there was nothing to say, and everything to say, but if he didn’t go soon he knew he never would. Part of him feared Buffy would never leave here, and he didn’t want that to be the case for him as well. She’d see it soon enough, she was coping now and she didn’t need him anymore, apparently she didn’t want him either. His point however was that soon she’d be back to herself and she’d see the practicalities of her life in New York versus her life here, and she’d make her decision, whatever it was. So right now, he had to make his, and his life wasn’t here, it never truly had been.


As he turned around and left the room Buffy felt all the oxygen go with him, and she felt like she was stood on the edge of a very tall cliff. If she made one small move she’d fall, so she didn’t, she held fast and tried not to sway into the wind.


How could he do this to her now? When she’d just gotten her head together? With everything that was happening with Dawn?


She wasn’t even home yet; they hadn’t talked about what they would say to her and how they would explain to her what happened. She contemplated begging Dawn’s forgiveness on her own and she couldn’t breathe. Dawn would never understand, and although she’d thought about how it might be better if her and Spike kept their distance from each other for a while, this wasn’t what she had envisioned.


He was letting her down; in her mind there was no other way around it. He was running away from her again when she needed him the most. How could he?


Stupid me, to believe I could depend on stupid you…


Giles pushed the door open later that night. The house was quiet, but the air was thick, not in a way that anyone could notice, but he knew something had happened. It was for this reason he knew what he had to do next, because he was stood still in a life that carried on regardless of him. His family was surviving, hurting, and moving on without him.


Tearing down a note attached to the door that said ‘We need to talk Old man’ he walked into his office, his steps no longer unsure, but still shaky. It had taken the whole day, but the alcohol had left his body. It was the first time apart from the times he’d accidentally slept it off.


He crouched down by the old bureau against the far wall and calmly he opened the cupboard at the bottom. Though his hands were trembling he was sure it was with withdrawal rather than nerves.


And on the tip of my tongue,
Were words that always came out wrong.
‘Cause they were drowned in Southern Comfort.


He took out everything, some things full, some things half full, some things empty and never replaced because he couldn’t even see straight to know they were done with. They clanked together as they tossed around inside the garbage bag he’d brought with him. Eventually he stood up straight and pulled the bag closed. He held his breath with every step as he walked outside and lifted the trash can lid.


This wasn’t the end of something, he knew that, his senses weren’t altogether destroyed even though they were still hazy from lack of use, but he knew it was a start. He had a long road ahead of him, and part of him knew he couldn’t do it on his own. He hoped he hadn’t burned all his bridges and that his family would still be there for him, but he knew he had to do it either way, for their sakes, for his own, and for the memory of both of the women he had loved and lost in this world.


This time the bottles crashed as they hit the dark bottom of the garbage.


I asked the Kings of Medicine…

“I wish you didn’t have to go, son.” Giles said softly. His head still hurt him; he hadn’t slept at all, but he also hadn’t drunk a drop since yesterday. Both were the cause of his headache, but he only cared about one of them. He tried to swallow in his dry mouth and licked his lips. They’d been sat here a long time.


Spike sighed, “Its just time…”


“I understand,” Giles interrupted, “I’m just sorry that you’re leaving, and that I don’t get to make it up to you before you go.”


Spike couldn’t have asked any more from his father that morning. He hadn’t expected Giles to pay any notice to the note he had left him the night before, never mind come and find him out himself. He’d highly expected to have to scour the town bars all afternoon, but as soon as his clock hit 8am there was a knock on his bedroom door and his father had been stood there, on edge and shaking slightly, but ready to talk.


He’d first forced him to take a shower, because despite the fact Giles had told him he hadn’t touched a drop since dinnertime he still reeked of the stuff. To be honest he didn’t look too much better now, ever after a shower and a shave, but at least he didn’t smell like a brewery. His eyes were red and sunken in, his voice kept wobbling and he couldn’t stop wringing his hands together, but as Giles sat both Spike and Buffy down and apologised to them they saw he was more himself than he’d been in a long time.


Spike put up his hands in protest. “Dad, you don’t have to worry about that. You admitted you have a problem and that’s the hardest part they say.” He then reached for his father’s arm and squeezed it when he said, “Now we can get you some help...But none of this is your fault…you lost your wife.”


Giles opened his mouth, but his throat caught for a minute and his eyes filled with tears. He blinked them away. “That’s no excuse.” he said honestly, “I’m so sorry, to both of you, but you’re wrong, William. I have a lot of making up to do, and this is my fault. Please believe that I’m ready to do whatever it is I need to to make things right.”


“I’ll help you find someone to talk to dad.” Spike said sincerely, “You’re not alone in this, and I don’t mean that just because I’m gonna help you. I mean I’m just as messed up as you are and I’ve needed to see a counsellor before.”


“I…I had no idea.” his father stammered.


“Only Buffy knows.” Spike confessed, “I had some problems in New York, before this. I started seeing someone then, but I’ve been keeping my appointments by phone since I’ve been here…and I’ve been talking about Joyce a lot with her, and…it helps a little.”


Buffy sat there numbly; she felt like she was intruding on a private moment even though it was her mother that had brought them all here.


“I’ve been so selfish,” said Giles, “I haven’t given you two a second thought, how you’ve both been dealing with this...” He trailed off and began again, “I’ll never be able to put that right, to get that time back, but I can make a fresh start; that’s all I can think to do.”


Buffy felt lost. If Giles was really back on track, what would be her place here from now on? Where would she fit in? She did know about Spike’s counsellor, but she’d never gone with him when he’d been to see her in New York, and she’d never heard him on the phone to her. It’d always been something he wanted to do by himself, and Giles and him were so alike.


Giles looked over and saw Buffy lost in thought. “Buffy?”


“I’m sorry,” she said still confused, “I just…”


“I know this is a lot I’m asking of you,” Giles thought out loud, “but I hope you’ll learn to trust me again, because I’m going to need you both.”


Buffy was bewildered, “What do you mean?”


“I can’t do this alone, Buffy.” he said pleadingly, “If I’m going to beat this thing I’m going to need a support system. I might seem fine now,” he said mopping his brow and the sweat collecting there, “but I already want another drink and it’s only been one night. I know I don’t deserve it, but I really need all your help in this,” he looked over at Spike then, “or as much as you can give.”


“I’ll be a plane ride away,” he said reaching for his father’s hands and cupping them with his, “whenever you need me, just say.”


Giles nodded his head, and then looked back to Buffy.


“Of course.” she said blankly.


She wasn’t sure what kind of help she could be, she hadn’t been much use for anything recently, but she would try if Giles needed her. Giles was a good man, and before he’d drunk he’d been a good father. Even so she didn’t know if she could ever trust him enough to leave Dawn in his hands. She knew that was hypocritical, because she had messed up with Dawn just as badly, just as irreversibly as he had, but she still felt that way.


“I don’t know how I’m going to make this up to Dawn.” Giles said, almost echoing her thoughts.


“She didn’t leave because of you.” Spike said, hearing and understanding the other fear that lay subtly under Giles’ confession.


“If it wasn’t me, then why did she go?” he asked desperately.


Spike glanced at Buffy quickly and saw the panic on her face; seamlessly he turned to his father and shook his head, “We don’t know, but it wasn’t that.”


When Spike was sure Giles had gotten lost in his own thoughts he looked back across at Buffy; she turned her head away, not able to look him in the eyes. Of all the things Spike had done that were bad, he had never lied to Giles’ face before.


You took a jump into forever,
A leap of faith I could not take.


Buffy was in the kitchen making herself some lunch when the phone rang. She picked it up and said hello.


The unsure voice came out quietly, “Hey.”


“Dawn?” Buffy was surprised, she couldn’t hide the fact. She figured it was no coincidence that the machine had picked up the call from her the day before, rather that she’d called when she knew everyone would be in bed still. She hadn’t expected to talk to her until she turned up home.


“Erm, hi.” Dawn said uneasily.


“Are you okay?” Buffy asked.


“I guess.” came a short reply.


Buffy fought the urge to remind Dawn it had been her who had called, and just waited for her to speak in her own time.


“I just wanted to check in.” she huffed, “I…You must be pretty worried by now.”


“That’s…” Buffy stopped for a moment. “Thank you.” she said, still surprised that Dawn could be thoughtful even with everything she must be feeling, she’d obviously underestimated her.


“I’m not the inconsiderate one here, Buffy.” Dawn said bluntly almost reading her thoughts again and reminding her of their situation.


Buffy couldn’t disagree with that, she knew however Spike would have. He couldn’t hide from her that he was still angry at Dawn; the very mention of her name upset him even though he tried not to let it show.


Buffy took a deep breath, “Are you ready to come home?”


“I’m not sure yet.” she said honestly.


Buffy thought carefully before speaking, “You said you were on the phone yesterday.”


“I know…I…” Dawn trailed off once again, “I had a rethink.”


Buffy started winding the phone cord around her fingers tensely. She knew what she had to say next wouldn’t earn her any favours with Dawn, in fact it could do a lot of damage, but it had to be said. “Well, ready or not…you sort of might have to.”


Dawn sighed, “Buffy, you have to stop telling me what to do.”


“It’s not like that,” she stressed softly, “its Spike.”


“What about him?” There was an edge to Dawn’s question; she didn’t particularly want to hear Buffy talk about Spike, but she recognised the serious tone to her sister’s voice and part of her knew she wouldn’t be bringing him up if it wasn’t important.


Buffy sighed, thinking it over in her head she couldn’t come up with a nice way to say it, “He’s leaving.”


“What?” Dawn croaked.


Buffy didn’t repeat herself; she knew she couldn’t say the words again. She also knew she couldn’t explain why he was going, and hoped Dawn wouldn’t ask her to.


“Dawn,” she begged. “Come home.”


Dawn didn’t miss a beat this time, “I’ll be there tonight.”


“Thank you.”


“This doesn’t change things.” she said before hanging up.


And it was,
A leap of faith I could not take,
A promise that I could not make.


Spike had taken Giles to the hospital and left Buffy to her own devices most of the day; he figured it was the least he could do to get him some options and start the ball rolling for them all, seen as Buffy might have to be the one to keep an eye on his progress for the first few months at least. He hoped he’d make it back soon, even if he could only stay a day at a time. But he didn’t want to make any promises that he couldn’t keep, so he hadn’t shared his plan with anyone else.


He hadn’t felt guilty about leaving until now, now he knew the reality of Giles’ recovery, how hard it would be on both him and the people around him. He was torn, and if anything he was swaying more towards staying now, but he knew if he didn’t go there would never be another chance for the band, and the band wasn’t just his life. He owed the guys a lot for taking a chance on him when he’d been such a mess in New York; they’d waited for him long enough.


He wished he could make it up to Buffy somehow; he wished she was talking to him, because he knew even if he went, finished the album in record time and made it back to fix his family, his life would still be miserable without her.


However something in him hesitated to approach her, fearing she didn’t really feel the same. He wanted so much for her to love him the way he loved her, but deep down he had always doubted her feelings matched his. It wasn’t a slight against her, if anything he knew it was probably more to do with him and his lack of self worth, but there it was.


His mind ran through all the things she’d ever said to him, all the feelings she’d ever shared. He remembered when they’d made up all those months ago in New York, and how she’d told him no matter what happened in her life nothing could make her happy apart from him.


He was a damn fool.


We were alone before we met,
No more forlorn than one could get.
How could we know we had found treasure…


Dawn was back. He’d heard her come home a few minutes ago; she’d had a short mumbled conversation with Buffy and he hadn’t wanted to interrupt. He also didn’t know what to say to her, but at the end of the day she was his little sister. He crossed from his room to take the stairs down and talk to her, but the subject matter stopped him on the landing and instead he just listened closely.


“When’s he leaving?” Dawn asked.


“Tomorrow.” Buffy said sadly.


His heart ached.


“Right.” Dawn said, “Then I’m going to bed. I’ll talk to him in the morning.”


“Please, Dawn.” Buffy begged, “I thought we could talk.”


“Not now,” she said, but it wasn’t harsh or snotty, it echoed Buffy’s pleading. “I just can’t right now.” She finished and half turned.


“I’ll make it up to you, Dawn.” Buffy promised. “Whatever it takes. You’re the most important person in my life now.”


Spike flinched, he knew it was the jealous guy in him, but he couldn’t help it, that had stung.


“Thank you.” Dawn said. Turning back into the hall she took the stairs up to the first floor, there was no sign of Spike when she got to the top.


And it was,
A leap of faith I could not take,
A promise that I could not make…

I, I, I, will battle for the sun, sun, sun.
And I, I, I wont stop until I'm done, done, done.


Today was his last day here, at least for a while, and until he got back to New York he wouldn’t know whether he could return soon or not.


He hadn’t spoken to either Buffy or Dawn yet; he knew he’d get his chance with Dawn before he left, but he wanted to leave it as long as possible. He wasn’t avoiding it as such, but he was conscious of his anger towards her and he wanted to be total in control when the time came, and the later the better for that to be the case.


You, you, you are getting in the way, way, way.
And I, I, I have nothing left to say, say, say.


As for Buffy, it wasn’t for a lack of trying that they hadn’t talked. Why she wanted them to part on such bad terms he didn’t know. He didn’t know if she was trying to be strong, or exactly the opposite, but either way he couldn’t get close enough to her to ask, because she was always looking over her shoulder for Dawn.


The two of them had been almost inseparable all day. He didn’t know if they’d talked yet about anything important and they didn’t seem to be getting on exactly, but still Buffy hardly left her side. He hated to see her grovelling for anyone’s approval, and he knew his anger towards Dawn was probably twisting it into something it wasn’t, but it seemed that’s what she was doing.


She was avoiding him, and he wanted to be the bigger person, he wanted to try and understand how hurt she was, acknowledge his part in her pain and realise that she was only acting this way to protect herself, but it still disappointed him.


In the past he’d tried to protect her from things, tried to help her, sometimes even done the opposite because he’d treated her too much like a child when she was a grown woman, but now she was almost acting up to his previous assumptions. She’d scuttle away whenever he came near her, so he hadn’t been able to talk to her properly since he’d unkindly blurted out that he was going. He didn’t want to leave things how they were, but she wouldn’t let it be any other way.


His father was saying something and he knew he should be listening, but he couldn’t concentrate when she was only a few rooms away. If Giles had been talking about himself he would have been all ears, but he knew he was the topic of conversation right now whatever was being said. It was obvious Giles wanted to ask him why he was really leaving, and although he longed to put his trust in his father he could never tell their secret now. She had ended it, he wasn’t a part of it, and so it wasn’t his to share anymore.


I, I, I, I, I will brush off all the dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt.
And I, I, I, I, I will pretend it didn't hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt.


Buffy could hear something at the other side of the hall. She’d learnt that she was now always super aware of Spike and how close to her he was. She could feel him, and that set her whole body on edge, like some kind of Ex-boyfriend ‘Spidey-Sense’. She didn’t know if it had started out of the fear of seeing him this past week, or something she’d always had after all the time they’d spent together, but she knew it was him she could feel.


Then she heard Giles’ voice and two sets of footstep come out of his office and into the hall.


“So, what time’s your flight again?” Giles asked.


Buffy’s head shot up unflatteringly fast at the question. She couldn’t see his face, but when he swayed she saw his black duster swing into view and the blonde of his hair. She quickly looked over to Dawn and held her breath as she listened for his answer. Dawn was listening too; luckily she didn’t notice Buffy’s focus, because it was her own.


“I told you, Old man, plane’s at 6am. I’m leaving tonight, so I’ll be gone before you all get up; I don’t want you losing sleep over me. I’ll drive to the airport myself and leave the car there.”


“Well then I’ll go collect it tomorrow afternoon.” Giles offered.


Buffy saw Spike step back and she could see half of him now, enough to know he’d reached out his arm to Giles. “You don’t have to.” he said, “I’ll come and get it as soon as I can.”


“Nonsense,” said Giles, “It’ll be sat there rotting. If you’re not coming back for a while there’s no point leaving it there to rust...”


That’s when Buffy stood up, her chair screeching at the force and the speed she had propelled herself with. She saw Dawn turn her head towards her, but she couldn’t stop her body from shaking; even if Dawn was watching she couldn’t be normal right now.


All she could think about was Spike’s car abandoned at the airport, and she couldn’t help feeling things would be no less bleak for her once he’d gone. All she had to live for was staying here, stagnant and lifeless, left to rot without him.


She didn’t care that she had to run past both Spike and Giles to get to the stairs; she didn’t care when they called after her; she didn’t care that she was close to falling over as she rushed to get out of the way of everyone. She couldn’t listen to it a minute longer.


You, you, you, you, you are a black and heavy weight, weight, weight, weight, weight, weight, weight.


Most of all Buffy didn’t care if she felt silly, for the first time in a long time she just didn’t care about anything. She needed to be away from him, or more specifically away from the idea that he was leaving; she couldn’t breathe when she thought about it. Her pillow muffled her choked tears from the rest of the house, but she was sure they had started to fall before she left the table, and even if no one had seen them they couldn’t have missed her dramatic exit.


But she’d had no other choice; she was physically unable to process the thought that he wouldn’t be here tomorrow. She couldn’t imagine how she would go on. A year ago she wouldn’t have even been excited to hear his name dropped into conversation, but somehow he had snuck up on her and become her whole world, and what no one else would understand was that that meant with his leaving the world as she knew it was coming to an end.


Dream brother, my killer, my lover.
Dream brother, my killer, my lover.


Dawn hadn’t missed Buffy’s behaviour earlier in the day and she’d hated herself a little bit, but she wasn’t ready to talk to her yet, so she hadn’t followed her and asked what was wrong. She thought about it hard as she stood outside Spike’s door, because the only thing she remembered happening before Buffy got up and ran out was the mention of Spike’s plane.


Dawn sighed and took in a new, deep breath. She wasn’t ready to talk to him either, but there was no other time as far as he was concerned, so it would have to be now.


She knocked a little and let herself in.


“Hi.” he said. He was laid on his bed, his boots still on, his arms rested behind his head.


Dawn felt uncomfortable as soon as the words left his mouth. She’d never heard a greeting said with less enthusiasm; he really didn’t want to see her.


She soldiered on, thinking he was maybe just nervous or wanted to avoid the conversation. She knew how he felt if that was the case so she sat down on his bed and waited.


They sat there a long time; she couldn’t look at him, but she felt his eyes latch onto her presence and he wouldn’t look away.


“I know what you’re waiting for.” he said eventually breaking the silence.


Dawn looked at him and raised a challenging eyebrow.


“You’re waiting for an apology,” he said, “and you aren’t going to get one.”


Dawn couldn’t hide her shock, instead of denying it she asked, “Really?”


Spike shrugged, “Not for what you want it for, so what’s the point?”


Dawn squinted, she still didn’t understand. While she’d been away her anger had retreated and she thought she could see things more clearly. She’d not only come home because Spike was leaving, but because she was partly ready. She might not be ready to forgive them or ready to talk to them and tell them how she felt, but she was ready to hear their apologies. So why wouldn’t he give her one?


Spike sighed. “I don’t know if I can give you my kind of apology without explaining it, and I don’t think you want to hear my side of things nibblet, and seen as I’m leaving it doesn’t really matter how I feel does it?” he said sadly, “If things had been different I might have tried to talk, but you’ve made up your mind and I don’t have the time to change it.”


It was true; Dawn thought they’d done something awful, repulsive, and on top of that they’d lied about it. She didn’t see another side to it or at least she didn’t wanted to; but the way he looked at her, so downhearted, as if he’d given up made her curious. “Explain it to me.” she said.


He thought over it all for a minute, trying to choose his words carefully, with Dawn that was always best. “I’m sorry you’re mad,” he began, “but the way I see it that’s not my fault. I didn’t do it to make you mad, because what we did had nothing to do with you.” Before she could butt in he clarified, “It may have affected you and I’m sorry for that, but Buffy and I are adults, we should be able to do whatever we want.” He paused, collecting his thoughts again. “Of course we care about you, and how you feel about this does matter, but for me it doesn’t change anything. After the shock went away you could easily have accepted us and heard us out, so you being mad at us and thinking what we did is wrong, that’s just an opinion you have. It doesn’t touch or taint what we did.”


He couldn’t read her expression, but she was still listening so he continued. “If you want an apology this is the one you’ll get; I’m sorry you feel we lied to you, but you were too upset about Joyce to deal with it, and I think that’s clearer now than ever. And I’m sorry you had to see it, but all I regret is that I didn’t lock the bloody door. You won’t get me to apologise for not telling you, or for doing it in the first place, because I’ve thought a lot about it while you’ve been gone and I don’t think we had any other choice.”


“All Buffy’s done is apologise.” she said, almost making it a question.


“That’s because you’ve made her feel guilty about what we were doing,” he said bluntly, “I don’t feel guilty.”


Dawn wanted to bark out that he should do, but she held her tongue, wisely.


He saw her face crease up and appreciated her restraint, so explained himself a little more, “I can’t feel guilty about who I’m in love with, I just can’t. Buffy can if that makes it easier for her to forget about me. Because I’m the first man she’s ever loved it’s still all new to her, but I’ve been there, done that, and I know for me personally it’s no way to live. She wanted to wait until you understood, but I can’t wait that long. I need to be with her now or never.”


Dawn’s head was swimming; she had no clue what he was talking about. When he’d said the night she left that he and Buffy were in love she’d overlooked it as a desperate attempt at sympathy; she’d never for a minute thought it was true. And now he was throwing it out there every other word like he said it everyday.


If she could make sense of the thoughts passing through her brain she might have been able to understand what he was saying, but she’d never considered he felt this way, or that there was a history between them that she didn’t know about. She was utterly confused.


Spike didn’t see her conflict, he carried on regardless, “Her worst nightmare was that you and your mother wouldn’t understand how we felt about each other, but I was prepared for it, so your opinions don’t hurt me as much as they hurt her. I’ve never needed acceptance from anyone, so although I would prefer it if you were okay with us, I don’t need you to be…But she does I suppose, so that’s that.”


Despite the fact that she couldn’t make any sense right now of what he was saying, Dawn stored every word for later hoping things would be clearer in the morning.


“I love her, I always will. You catching us together it makes me cringe, it makes it hard to face you, but not because it’s shameful or wrong. She’s still the woman I love.”


“Then why are you leaving?” she asked.


“Partly because I have the band, and I’ve already let them wait long enough.” he said.


“Why else?” she pushed.


“Because she told me your feelings were more important than me and her, and I just can’t argue with that if that’s the way she feels.”


Dawn sat there blankly for a moment. She saw his lips move again, but this time whatever he said didn’t register, “What?” she asked.


“I said maybe you should call it a night, nibblet.”


Dawn nodded and left the room, hugging her shoulders as she slipped onto the landing.


Spike gritted his teeth. He’d said his piece, but much as he’d thought it would it hadn’t done anything to change the situation; he still had no choice but to leave. Dawn would never accept them, and so Buffy would never take him back.


I, I, I will battle for the sun, sun, sun, sun.
Cause I, I, I, have stared down the barrel of a gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun.


He came in quietly, opening the door slowly. He wasn’t sure if he wanted her to wake up or not; he didn’t want to sneak out on her like he had the last time, but he also knew she’d been avoiding him for a reason.


He came closer and tried to remember why he was here, it wasn’t to sweep her off her feet and ask her to run away with him, because she wouldn’t. He was here to sat goodbye to the woman he loved, because she wasn’t ready to move forward with him, and he couldn’t wait in the past for her.


He brushed the hair from her face and she moved as if waking. He panicked a little, but steadied himself. He leaned down and kissed her cheek, and although she didn’t show it, he knew in that moment that she was wide awake from his touch.


“I loved your mother very much,” he said into her hair, “she was a special lady, but so are you, Buffy.” A tear slipped down his cheek and caught in her blonde curls. “I love you.” he whispered, kissing her head before pulling away. He didn’t wipe his eyes when he stood up, and he didn’t look back as he left the room.


Buffy hugged her pillow, praying she had just dreamed it all and that he would still be there when she woke for real.


Dream brother, my killer, my lover.
Dream brother, my killer, my lover.

I said my goodbyes…
For what it's worth,
I always aimed to please,
But I nearly died…


Buffy didn’t come out of her room the next day, apart from to go to the bathroom, and if Giles hadn’t crossed her path on one of those trips she would have happily gone the entire day without speaking to a soul. However given the situation with Giles she couldn’t allow her problems to get in the way of his, and when he asked her what was wrong she lied and told him she was ill. He reminded her about his first appointment with his new counsellor and she promised to be there for him, but her heart fell a little.


It was only a couple of days away and she honestly didn’t know if she could pull herself together by then. She also knew she had no choice, and she hurriedly ended the conversation afterwards and scuttled back into her room to hide beneath the covers.


She didn’t realise another day had passed after that until she heard a soft knock on her door and looked over at her clock to check the time. She’d slept through dinner, the whole night and part of the morning.


She didn’t say a word, but the door pushed slowly open. She couldn’t hide her shock to see Dawn on the other side.


“Are you alright?” she asked Buffy. It seemed genuine enough, but there was a slight hint of unwillingness behind it.


Buffy combed her hand through her hair, but didn’t sit up. When her fingers got caught in some knots she realised it was probably a lost cause. “I’m fine.” she said, but her voice betrayed her. She didn’t know it until then, but she was on the verge of tears, her eyes were watery and her voice wobbled and strained to stay normal.


Dawn took a step into the room closing the door behind her, and came to sit on the bed, glaring as she did so. She wanted answers and she wasn’t trying to be mean or impatient, but it came off that way a little.


“It’s nothing.” Buffy said unconvincingly, seeing that Dawn wasn’t going to leave.


“Buffy.” Dawn sighed, tired of all the secrets and lies, “I’m still your sister. I can tell there’s something wrong and I know you’re lying to me.”


Buffy sat up in the bed, tears still threatening to spill at any moment. “I can’t tell you about this, Dawn.” she said. It was as honest as she could be right now.


“You can tell me anything.” Dawn replied without thinking. She hadn’t put much thought into the phrase; it was just something you said to your sister when she was upset. It all became clear how little she’d thought of it when Buffy answered back.


“You know that’s not true.”


Dawn thought hard about that and saw Buffy was right; she’d made that impossible. She’d put up a wall between them and told Buffy what was and wasn’t acceptable; she’d judged her and made her feel judged. Buffy may have been the first one to lie, but Dawn had done her part in making her afraid to tell the truth since then. She sighed again, realising her mistake. “What if I told you you could.” She paused, “What if I just sat here and listened, no matter what you said.”


“Would you really do that?” Buffy asked. She didn’t want to hope that she was serious, but she knew if Dawn agreed everything would flow out and she wouldn’t be able to stop it, so she’d better be prepared.


Dawn nodded, unable to speak. She wanted so desperately to be an adult, to make her mother proud of the woman she was becoming. Even though she was sure Joyce would have never approved of this whole thing, she wouldn’t have made Buffy feel alone and rejected, and she wouldn’t have stood for Dawn doing that either. She didn’t have the strength to promise Buffy that she would listen a second time, so all she could do was nod and sit there silently this once.


“Its S…” Buffy stopped herself, she couldn’t even wrap her lips around his name without her chest aching. She didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, but Dawn didn’t push her either so when she’d calmed herself she began again. “I just miss him so much. I don’t know what to do with myself.” she confessed. “Back in New York, we had some problems, and he left…you know when he went on tour with his band?”


Buffy looked to Dawn who nodded. Of course she knew about the tour, but she hadn’t known the two of them had been together before it began.


Buffy continued, “He’d left me then a few weeks before, but it was different. I made the most of it, because we both needed the space; he sorted out his life and I sorted out mine and I did things, but this time…The last time I wasn’t sure if we were right, if I really should be with him, so I was confused, and now…this time I knew, and I…This time all I can be is miserable, because I know we should be together, and we can’t…” She was still struggling, she opened her mouth to say things and then when they came out they sounded different; they sounded harsher. They sounded as if she was feeling sorry for herself and blaming Dawn for everything, in short they sounded like Spike’s words.


For the first time she saw his side of things as clear as day, because deep down she hadn’t realised she felt exactly the same. She’d done this all wrong; she should have been there for him not just expected him to be there for her. She should have been his partner; they should have done this together. Maybe then Dawn would have understood and she wouldn’t have to be saying these things so badly.


She knew now that Spike’s feelings towards Dawn were her feelings as well. She’d fooled herself into believing things were better this way, but they weren’t, because she couldn’t even tell Dawn how she felt about Spike without trying to make her feel guilty. She couldn’t express how heartbroken she was at not being with him, because the other side of the sword was that Dawn was breaking her heart by not accepting it and letting them be.


“I want to tell you…” She was gasping for breath now, her tears falling freely and her body wracked with shakes. “I want to tell you how it feels, I want to explain if…if you want to know, but I can’t.”


Dawn reached out and brushed a piece of hair out of Buffy’s face. She’d never seen her sister in such a mess, not even over their mother. That wasn’t surprising, because Buffy usually kept it all inside; knowing this she moved closer to her, so that if she felt like she could she’d be able to reach for her and hug her.


Buffy made no moved to wipe the tears from her eyes, there was little point given how fast they were coming. “He was my everything, Dawn, and I can’t explain that, but now he’s gone I feel like I have nothing. I’d never been in love before. Sometimes I didn’t understand it, and sometimes it was awful, but it was all I had…” she trailed off, her sobs taking over her voice for a while.


Dawn had never been in love either, was this what it was really like? If so it couldn’t be worth it, could it? To be this miserable? She wanted to ask her about it, unbeknownst to her like Buffy had asked Spike the first time he’d talked about Drusilla.


It wasn’t something that Buffy could answer; much like she’d had to Dawn would have to find out the answers to these questions on her own, through her own experiences. It didn’t matter right now anyway, because Dawn couldn’t bring herself to say anything. She was overwhelmed by what was pouring out of Buffy, it was similar to how she’d felt talking to Spike the other night before he left.


There was obviously something here that she didn’t comprehend, that she possibly couldn’t comprehend. For the first time Dawn felt truly guilty, though she didn’t fully know why. She had judged the situation without understanding it, that’s all she could glean from her feelings right now. Later when she was alone she would realise the rest, that she felt guilty because she was the cause of all this pain. All Buffy and Spike had done was try and be there for her, and when they needed her she had dismissed their feelings. She had driven a wedge between them and she had done nothing to stop it, or even considered what she was doing until it was too late.


Her mind wandered across the hall to Spike’s empty bedroom. All she could think to do was hold Buffy as she cried, and as she did she remembered the night Buffy had done the same for her when they’d fought about their mother. She knew it was different, because that night there had been nothing Buffy could do; she couldn’t bring back Joyce or truly bury Dawn’s fears. Right now Dawn wasn’t as helpless, it was something she could fix, though she just sat there, unable to sort through her thoughts and find the right thing to do. She knew then that she had so much more to learn.


She wanted her mom to be here and explain it to her, but really Dawn knew better. If Joyce had been here she would simply have given her that blank look she gave. She wouldn’t have spouted advice, and the only answer she would have given would be, ‘You know the right thing to do already, Dawn.’


For what it's worth,
Come on lay with me,
'Cause I'm on fire.


The next day Buffy came down from her room, she wasn’t as scared to as she’d thought she’d be, and when she turned into the living room and Dawn looked over at her she felt something shift even more in the right direction.


Dawn was sat on the floor in her pyjamas with a bowl of cereal in her lap, staring at the TV. Giles was sat on the chair to her left; he hadn’t gotten ready that day either, which was very unlike him, but he looked almost comfortable for Giles.


Dawn’s eyes followed hers to their father as she picked up the remote and turned up the TV. “We’re having a pyjamas day.” she said in answer to Buffy’s silent question about Giles’s attire. She paused for a while and still without looking up she said, “I got you that tatty, purple blanket out of the cupboard. I know you like that one to snuggle up in when you watch TV.”


She said it as if it wasn’t a big gesture, but Buffy knew that it was. Without arguing she walked over to the couch where she’d put the blanket, and laid with her legs stretched out to the side. She shook the blanket a little and settled it over herself, only her fluffy bed socks poked out of the end.


Buffy didn’t know what they were going to do tomorrow, and she didn’t know if she was going to stay here and defer her last year of college yet, but she knew some things; Giles wasn’t going to go back to work this year, he couldn’t, not with everything else; Dawn wasn’t going to pass all of her exams, because she hadn’t done the work and she’d missed too much school. She knew they weren’t the perfect family, she knew that, you couldn’t call them that anymore, but what was so great about perfect anyway?


For what it's worth,
I tear the sun in three,
To light up your eyes.


Buffy woke up hearing a knock at the door. She didn’t know if she was the lightest sleeper or her body simply knew she was the only one in a fit state to answer it, but when she looked around Dawn and Giles were still dead to the world.


At some point she’d won the battle with Dawn and had been allowed to go get ready. She could spend the morning in her yummy sushi pyjamas, but after midday she had to put something else on, she never felt right otherwise. Giles was usually the same, but he was still in his ‘dressing gown’ having been won over by Dawn’s puppy dog eyes.


The day had been lovely, and although Buffy’s heart ached to think that it was unlikely she knew if her mother could see them she’d be proud of them all today. They’d truly been a family, arguing, laughing, teasing; she hadn’t felt so weightless and free in ages. She knew there were still two missing pieces, one that would never come back, and one that might, but they were doing the best they could and it had been a long time since they could all honestly say that.


Buffy started to get up when instead of another knock she heard a key turning in the door. She stood straight up, but her body and mind refused to work for a couple of second, and before she could understand what was happening she heard the door open and close and big black boots stomped in from the hall. Spike was attached to them.


They stood apart, staring at one another, but before she could speak or even move she heard Dawn and Giles. They’d woken at the sound of the key as well, but she hadn’t realised it until now. They were both standing, Dawn first having to shove a million cushions out of her way which she’d surrounded herself with earlier.


Spike smiled at the sight and looked over to his father, “I wondered if I could stay the night?”


Despite the way they’d left things Dawn was the first to move towards him. She ran full pelt and slammed into his side, her arms wrapping around his middle. “I missed you.” she confessed into his leather.


Spike knew a part of him would never forgive Dawn if things with Buffy stayed the way they were now. He knew even if he could one day move on, find someone else and be anything near happy he could never forget that the girl his arms had swayed the woman he loved into leaving him. But he couldn’t ever lie and say he didn’t miss her, he knew that families aren’t always something you’re born into, but his was. They truly were a family, and she was his sister. He didn’t like her or respect her right now, but he loved her. “I missed you too, Lil’ Bit.” he said.


Giles was coming around, not only from the nap, but also from the shock. His smile couldn’t stop itself from spreading even as he asked the question he feared to, “How long are you here for, son?”


“Just tonight and some of tomorrow,” he said regretfully as Dawn detached herself from his side, “then I have to fly back.”


He looked over at Buffy; no one had noticed how awkwardly she had stood there throughout the exchanges, apart from him. He hadn’t been able to stop himself from glancing at her every chance he got; taking her in with his eyes as if she was a glass of water in the desert. He’d been deprived of what he loved and now she was within reach again; despite everything that was going on between them it was refreshing.


Broke up the family,
Everybody cried.


Buffy noticed how happy he was to be home, she could see it. But she couldn’t join in, even though her body flushed with relief to be near him. There was still so much to say, so much unresolved, and it needed to be done with one way or the other.


She didn’t know where she pulled it from, but she found a little strength from somewhere inside her and looked up to meet his eyes. He smiled at her, he didn’t avoid her gaze, and although she wasn’t certain that what they had to talk about would be a happy conversation she did feel some reprieve from her worries that he didn’t hide from her just then.


Whether they were on the same page or not, whether in this crazy mess that life had thrown at them they’d gone too far down the wrong path she didn’t know. But what she did know was that the feeling she’d had the other day that she needed some kind of partner in this, whether romantic, emotional or whatever, they were still valid. What had changed was the fact that Spike was now ready to be that person for her and she for him. And when she looked at him, to the door and then stood to get her coat he understood; he made their excuses to Giles and he followed her out into the night.


For what it's worth,
Come on walk with me,
Into the rising tide…


She felt his footsteps beside her, and although he made no move to speak or touch her, he was right there with her with every step. It made things so much easier and so much harder at the same time.


For what it’s worth,
Filled a cavity,
Your god shaped hole tonight...

They seemed to reach the park without speaking, but as they turned into it she knew they were both thinking the same thing, directionally at least. They walked to the swings and Buffy sat down on one. Spike stood a little down the way, he’d been fine before, but now he was too nervous to sit.


She started with an easy question, though after she’d asked it she still feared even that answer wouldn’t be the one she wanted, “What are you doing back?”


His expression gave nothing away, but his reply was honest and to the point, “I realised I’d broken a promise to you.”


“Which one?” she said almost snidely.


He ignored her tone, “I told you a long time ago that I wouldn’t leave you again, unless you asked me to.”


She hadn’t expected that. “Oh.” she said. It was dumb, but that’s all she could think to say. He had made her a lot of promises, but that had been the most important one and he understood that, she suddenly regretted the way she’d talked to him just then.


“I’m sorry for that, luv.” he said before she could apologise herself, “I need to be there most of the time, but they’re recording drums this weekend and that’s the one thing we all agree on most of the time, so I could afford to leave it to Oz to manage. I want to fly back whenever I can to see you.”


Buffy couldn’t breathe; why did he have to be so thoughtful when she was trying to think practically? She knew that’s what he was doing, because she knew he was lying. Even if everyone agreed on something he hated giving up creative control; it wasn’t that he was the final say on everything, or that he bossed people around, but he hated not being involved in any decision no matter how small. Ever since the band had gotten back from England and started getting interest he made sure they decided everything together, and he never left anything up to chance or presumed anything would go well without the whole band there.


He continued, “Unless that’s not what you want.”


She looked over at him confused.


“I said, ‘unless you asked me to leave’.” he repeated to clarify his meaning.


She finally understood what he was saying; he’d made arrangements, plans to come back and be there for her, but if she wanted it he’d stay in New York to make things easier. It was the reverse of their last break-up; he was giving her all the control. The fact that last time he’d made all their decisions for her was one of the reasons she’d felt so helpless and lost, but suddenly she felt all those things anyway, and she didn’t want the power now she’d been handed it. She couldn’t blame him; he was only doing what she’d always wanted him to, and she knew in her heart she should make a decision, but right now all she felt was overwhelmed.


Suddenly she shivered.


“Are you cold?” he asked.


She nodded, she was. That simple feeling was easier to acknowledge in comparison to everything else he’d asked of her.


Without a beat he took of his jacket and walked behind her to hang it around her shoulders. A second later he was back to where he’d been, a safe distance in front of her.


Memories assaulted her of the first time he’d done this; round the corner from a club he’d given her his coat. It didn’t seem so long ago, or so removed from where they were now, but it was. She snuggled into its warmth and started to swing herself back and forth; she was sure the smell of him surrounding her was going to sway her decision, but she tried to be strong and remember everything she’d decided in the past week, every thought she’d had, every feeling, so she could be clear on what she wanted when she weighed them all against each other.


There are twenty years to go,
And twenty ways to know…


“I…” she swallowed; if it was too hard to say then she couldn’t really mean it. In that moment she felt clarity strike her. If it was right, whatever it was, it would happen. If it was what she wanted, she could ask for it; if he was what she wanted, she could tell him. It was that simple.


“I missed you,” he gasped. He looked up to the sky berating himself; he’d not wanted to sound so desperate when he confessed it, but he continued without looking down, “so much.”


She heard the truth behind his words, not only that, but she understood perfectly what he meant. He was here, that proved something to her, something that mattered and she knew that he would be here for her until she was ready to leave with or without him. He would be here for as long as she needed him, because he couldn’t be without her and he couldn’t abandon her again.


She knew what she wanted to say to him now.


“I don’t want you to leave, Spike.” she said, “I don’t want you to leave me.”


He was slightly taken aback by her confession, but he didn’t hesitate to reply, “I don’t want to leave you either, kitten.” That’s when his words started to fail him, “But I…”


“I know, Spike.” she said stopping him and also stopping the swing, “You have a life and its not here.”


He almost pleaded with her, but he sensed her reluctance. “You have a life in New York too, pet, you could still come with me.”


Buffy had thought about it, along with everything else over the last few days. She knew deep down it was what she wanted for herself. She wanted to go back to college, to finish that and go back to work for Sam and the paper if they’d still have her. But she also knew that she was needed here, and unlike Spike’s reason for leaving hers didn’t have to happen right now. She didn’t know if she was running from her dreams again or being an adult and realising that life was full of compromises. She could have it all, but maybe not yet, she had so much here still left unfinished. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” she whispered eventually, scared that it would upset him, but needing to tell him the truth.


Spike couldn’t help his face from falling and she saw it.


“I don’t mean I’m not ready for us.” she explained, “I’ve been thinking about you non-stop since you left, and I just can’t breath without you. I just don’t work when you’re not with me.”


He walked towards her and stopped to lean against the frame of the swings to her left, “I feel the same about you, luv.” His voice was low and almost haunting, but it filled her full of warmth.


She pulled his coat further around herself and looked away from him. “Good.” she said. Her lips almost hinted at a smile, but she knew they weren’t out of the woods yet. “No leaving each other then.” she finished.


She heard him sigh, and it blew a white smoke into the cold air beside her. “But I am going back tomorrow,” he said, “…and you’re not coming?” He made it a question at the last minute, hoping she’d changed her mind.


“I know I want to go back some day;” she answered sadly, “despite what you might be thinking I don’t want to give up everything and move back here forever…but I think I need to be here for Dawn, and for Giles, and I can’t help thinking that. I honestly don’t think I could be happy if I left here just now.”


He was rubbing the back of his neck as he searched for something to say, and that’s when she knew she’d gotten him right. He had been thinking about her and he’d expected her to say all this, but he wasn’t happy that she’d proved him right.


“We’re different, Spike.” she continued, “Its one of the reasons we work so well together, but it’s also one of the reasons we misunderstand each other all the time. You’re the type of person that needs to go and live your own life in order to be able to help others with theirs; you need to be with the band and here. And I’m the type of person that deals with one thing at a time; I can’t leave until everything is back on track.”


They didn’t say anything to each other for a while, the wind whistled past them a little; it was unusually chilly and Buffy took her hands off the chains and stuffed them in her trouser pockets.


She looked up at him and caught him staring at her.


“Do you think I’m selfish?” he asked, it wasn’t that he thought she was implying it, but he still wanted to know.


“I did,” she replied honestly, “at first when you told me you were leaving, but now I just think we’re different people, like I said. I’m trying to see your side and I think you want to stay here, but staying here will stifle you. If you live in New York you can come back here and help Giles when he needs you, you can have everything you want that way, I can’t. If I’m going to be here I need to really be here. I’ve thought about what you said, about us deciding what we want to do and I’m going to defer my last year.” He couldn’t help his disappointed expression, and it did hurt to see it, but she was positive she was doing the right thing so she continued, “Even if I did go back the rest of them have already started and my head wouldn’t be in the right place to catch up with them. I owe it to myself to wait until I’m ready, until I can really focus.”


He sighed again, he knew it made sense. “If it’s what you want, kitten, I can’t argue with it.”


She nodded. “For me I can wait,” she said, “I can put the family first as long as I have one thing to myself.”


When she looked across at him he was looking back, asking her silently.


“You.” she answered. “I think that’ll be enough for now.”


He sighed again, “I don’t mean this in a bad way, pet, but how are we going to work if I’m there and you’re here?”


Buffy swallowed hard, she knew nothing was set in stone, but she needed to believe this would happen. “We’ll make it work.” she said, “I want to be here most of the time, but I can come stay with you every now and again. You can move back into my apartment and I’ll come for a week or a few days to visit. You’ll be coming back here when you can to see Giles anyway so its not like we’ll never see each other…It’ll just be...an adjustment…We’ll make it work for us.”


He pushed away from the frame and came to stand directly in front of her.


There are twenty years to go,
The best of all I hope…


“There’s one thing I need,” she said, “for this to work.”


“Anything, luv.”


“We need to be together on it this time.” Before he could speak she put a hand up to stop him, “I know what part I’ve played, Spike, and I’m going to do better. I’m going to listen and not assume, but I need you to do the same for me.”


“I promise, Buffy.” he said reaching down to cup her cheek, “I never want to lose you again.”


There are twenty years to go,
The faithful and the low.
The best of starts, the broken heart, the stone...


“Another thing.” she said standing up, “We have to tell them about us.”


Spike didn’t have to ask who she meant. The swing fell behind her into the air, thrashing to get away from its chains.


Buffy was serious, but she couldn’t help that Spike read the urgency in her tone as unwillingness, because it made her voice shake. However she was just anxious to get it over with before she lost her nerve.


“I’ll wait, Buffy.” he said breathlessly coming closer and holding her arms, “Until you’re ready, I’ll wait, luv.”


She shook her head, “I want to do this right, Spike. We shouldn’t have waited this long, we need to put things right. There’s been too much lying, too much hiding, from all of us. If we’re going to stick together we need to be honest with our family. I want to tell them tonight.”


“Tonight?” he repeated, almost alarmed.


“We can’t put it off any longer,” she said shaking her head, “and besides, what if we wait and something else happens and gets in the way. This whole thing has taught me one thing…”


“Life’s too short?”


“Exactly.”


There are twenty years to go.
A golden age I know.
But all will pass, will end to fast, you know…

Do me right by you,
And I'll do you right by heaven.


Spike opened their front door and held it for Buffy as they walked in. She walked past him and as she did she looked up; he saw and smiled at her and she returned it openly. She lingered in the hall and waited for him to close the door behind them.


Promise me that we will make it through.


He walked up to her, and as he passed her this time he reached for her hand, taking it in his and walking forwards towards where he knew Dawn and Giles would still be, sat watching TV.


Promise me that we will make it through.


He squeezed her hand so although he was leading the way anxiously she knew he was still thinking of her, and she followed closely behind. She was still nervous and although she tried not to her heart sank a little as her mind filled with what might happen next. After only a few steps she stopped still again.


If we don't I don't know what I'll do;
So promise me that we will make it through.


He noticed the tug on his wrist when she stopped and so he stopped too, and letting her hand drop he walked back to her.


“Are you okay?” he whispered with concern.


She nodded dumbly, but he wasn’t convinced by it in the slightest.


Spike looked behind his shoulder to check they couldn’t be seen and then he leaned forward and put his forehead to hers. He breathed in deeply and she did the same, but she was shaking a little.


“Buffy?” Giles’ voice shouted from the front room, “Spike?”


Buffy jumped, and that’s when Spike knew she needed another moment before they did this.


He pulled away, but reached his hand to cup her cheek so that when he turned his head from her she still felt his touch somewhere close. “We’ll be there in a minute.” he shouted back to his father.


Then before she could register what was happening he had grabbed her arm gently and pulled her along the hall with him to Giles’ office. It was never locked anymore so they slipped in quietly. He positioned her in the middle of the room, walked slowly to close the door, and then walked back.


The room was pitch black, but Buffy didn’t feel scared or alone, she felt like she could finally relax. Spike was close, but he wasn’t touching her, so she felt like she had space enough to breathe. The darkness felt like a cloak under which she could do or say anything, and she thought that maybe that was why Spike had made no move to turn on the light.


For a moment neither of them said anything; Spike knew he needed to give her a little more time and Buffy didn’t have anything to say. It wasn’t that Buffy wasn’t ready to make this step; she’d thought about it a lot and she knew it was the right thing to do, but that didn’t make it easy.


She didn’t have any reservations about her and Spike and she was pretty sure every one she could have had they’d discussed. She knew they’d both let each other down, but it wasn’t like either of them was blameless and at the same time it wasn’t as if either of them had no reason to act the way they did.


She’d gone through it all over the last few days and she didn’t even blame Spike for leaving. She could see why he‘d felt like he had no reason to stay, because his place was as her partner and she’d taken that away from him and left him feeling useless.


Buffy had always thought that their roles were set as brother and sister and they were deciding to go against them, but now she knew differently. They were meant to be in love just as much as her mother and Giles, and any other idea the two of them tried was forced and untrue. They may have met and fallen in love in a way that some people couldn’t accept, but they were still in love and that was just that. They were together, and she knew she couldn’t pretend any longer, it was draining her down to her very soul. The truth would have to come out in order for them to live the life they should already be living.


While Spike had been gone she’d been faced with the alternative, what it was like in a world where they not only weren’t together, but never could be. It was a life where they had to pretend that they’d never been, and nothing was real, or current, or even possible. In short it had been utterly unbearable and completely stifling. She hadn’t felt like herself, and that’s when she knew she had to get him back. If he hadn’t have come home she would have sought him out eventually, because without him was no way to live.


And that’s what she tried to focus on now; that really the hard option was living without Spike. If she didn’t want that then she was going to have to pull herself together and do this.


His voice drifted over to her, “We don’t have to tell them yet.”


And Buffy’s whole body felt calm and warm for a second, and she released it wasn’t because she was going to take him up on that offer, it was just an effect of the offer being made.


“That’s really sweet,” she said back, “but we do.”


Spike stroked her hair and she smiled, though he couldn’t see her. His hand slipped down and his thumb brushed her cheek. He felt the movement of her face when she went to speak, but she didn’t make a sound.


“What were you gonna say, pet?” he asked.


“I…” she hesitated, “What do you think they’ll say to us?”


“I don’t know.” he said honestly, “I hope my dad will understand; I was pretty sure he would, but...”


“I know,” she sighed, “everything’s different now.”


He rubbed her shoulders and she felt herself pick up a little.


She whispered into the dark. “I do love you, you know. I don’t want you to think all this waiting, all the things that got in the way meant that I didn’t.”


He laughed softly. “You had me worried,” he confessed, “but I love you too.”


He leaned down to her then; he caught her lips with his and kissed her. She felt her whole body tingle, this was long overdue. He closed the gap between them and for the first time in a long time their bodies pressed together intimately. She put up her palms to his chest, but not to push him away, just to feel him there solidly against her. She returned the kiss at each turn, and it soon became a little heated.


Spike pulled back before anything went too far, highly aware of all the other things they had to do before they reunited in that way.


“Are you ready now?” he asked, panting a little with restraint.


She nodded, but he couldn’t see.


“Buffy?”


“Yes.” she squeaked after realising her mistake a few seconds later.


He grabbed her hand again and led her out the door.


This was it. Whatever happened, they would take it on together.


Don't worry baby, don't worry.
Do me right by you,
No matter what may happen…

The way you're dancing,
Makes me come alive,
Makes me shiver and perspire…


It was the first visit she’d managed since they’d come out to their family. The album had taken a long time, but they were nearly done with it and Spike was not only excited for it to be released, he was anxious. It was the first time he’d ever created something he’d cared about and Buffy knew how much it meant to him that it did well. She knew he was nervous and she wanted to be there for him, it had seemed like a good time to come, but it hadn’t helped his apprehension. Her intension had been to relax him, but as he sat across from her now he felt anything but relaxed; the tension between them was almost palpable.


It was partly because it was her first visit, it was partly because they hadn’t been alone together for weeks, and it was partly because even jetlagged and dressed in slacks he’d wanted her since he’d first picked her up from the airport and circumstance had been against them ever since. She’d arrived late so he’d already been on edge; things had gotten heated in the arrivals lounge and again in the car park, but only so far as was acceptable in public.


There had been little conversation on the way home to her old flat, and she hadn’t even had chance to put her bags down in the hall before they’d been disturbed by a knock at the outside door behind them. They turned to see her old friend Faith; Buffy rushed with as much energy as she could muster to let her in and they hugged. Faith to her credit grabbed the bag from Buffy’s hand and helped them up to the apartment with her luggage, managing to guilt them into this evening along the way there. She’d invited them all to the Bronze, already ready to go herself she’d left them feeling a ‘No’ wasn’t an option and they didn’t have much time to think of an excuse. So here Buffy was and although she’d initially regretted calling Faith and telling her when she’d be arriving home she’d made her bed and had to lie in it.


They were at the club now and not much had changed. Faith hadn’t for a start; they’d had a good enough catch up, but it’d been a while since either of them had seen her. Buffy had half expected her to slink off with some guy and as Spike was here she didn’t think badly of her for leaving. Besides she knew how to make good out of a bad situation, and she was far too busy enjoying the way that Spike was sat at the other side of the dance floor watching her with a burningly lustful gaze.


Her original plan, knowing that Spike and her definitely needed privacy had been to go home early, or sneak off as soon as Faith did her inevitable disappearing act. However since then Buffy had had a rethink and found this course of action much more amusing. She wasn’t dancing with anyone; she hadn’t any other girl friends here apart from Faith and she knew it wouldn’t be the best idea to dance with any men, given that Spike’s stare also had a slight warning in it not to push him too far.


However despite the glare she wasn’t afraid of him and she didn’t mind teasing him these days; she knew he was different now and more in control of himself. Tonight was the night, she thought as she swayed her hips, but she would make him sweat it first.


Everything had moved so quickly after he’d last come home, after they had sat down and told their remaining family about their relationship, about their plans for the future. It had taken the next day as well and there had been tears, but there had also been a glimmer of understanding, and even Dawn had helped to calm the transition, though she wouldn’t admit to it fully.


But one thing there hadn’t been, was time for them to be alone.


She couldn’t believe they had waited this long without it sending one or the both of them crazy, but tonight she would finally know what it was like to be loved by him again.


Your surreptitious glancing,
The way you crack a smile,
Nearly start a fire…


She was in big trouble, he thought as he watched her dancing. He would have let her off driving him mad, if he didn’t know what she was doing. He wanted to go and join her, half to put his claim on her and half to feel her up close, but he couldn’t. He needed a minute, or he needed a clear path so everyone here wouldn’t see how badly she was affecting him when he walked up to her.


His throbbing problem gave him time to sit there and regret coming out with her tonight. He could have let her have girl time and waited for her at home, but he’d insisted on coming and spending time with her regardless of whether Faith was here or not. Although sweet, and earning him good boyfriend points for hanging with her friend it had been the wrong decision. Because although the waiting would have gotten to him either way, if he’d been at home he wouldn’t have had to see her dancing this way; here in a room full of people, where he couldn’t just bend her over and take her. God. His mind was suddenly filthy; he was hard as nails and his fists were clenched under the table to stop him from breaking something.


Noticing a gap in the crowd he took a steady breath and stood up. It was now or never.


He strode up to her as calmly as he could. She pretended not to notice, but when his arms slipped around her she let out a moan and he had to pull her into him and kiss her neck in appreciation.


So move closer,
I wanna feel your touch…


As she leaned back into him she realised she hadn’t really planned this far ahead. She hadn’t thought about what she was going to do when he finally showed up next to her, or behind her as it had played out. But it didn’t really matter, because he was doing a good enough job of taking control of the situation.


She presumed his aim had been to stop her showing off in front of everyone, but if that was the case he’d failed, because all they were doing now was causing a scene together. He was grinding into her, as if to show her what all her dancing had done to him, and it made her ache in places she’d forgotten she had. She was sure they looked disgusting, like animals rubbing up against each other, but she didn’t care, because it was hot, and everyone deserved a little time to play dirty with their significant other. This was her night, this was their night.


They were still moving halfway to the beat of the music, not so off that anyone would notice, but they were far too concerned with the rhythm of each other than anything around them. His hands slid up a little too far for comfort and skimmed the bottom of her crop top. Before she could protest they made their way down and grabbed her thighs, stroking them possessively for a second before moving again. He repeated this over and over, driving her to distraction, each time growing bolder with his touch.


Buffy knew one thing; absence didn’t only make the heart grow fonder.


Love of mine,
This fortress in our hearts,
Feels much weaker,
Now we're apart.


Before he could stop himself his right hand slipped up beneath her tank top, underneath her bra, and squeezed her breast. Right there in the middle of the room and despite the jolt of desire she tensed up immediately.


She didn’t make a move to get away from him, and actually pushed herself into his crotch more forcefully, but he could sense she wasn’t comfortable. That was fine with him, he’d never been one for voyeurism, it was just that everyone else sort of fell away when she was near him and he’d forgot how he should be behaving. He knew it wasn’t his brain calling the shots right now, but through the sexual haze he found the energy to pull away and spin her around to face him.


His stare was even more intense now, and Buffy felt like she couldn’t breathe. She felt his hands grab her hips in a bruising hold and she stumbled along as he used it to pull her away and off into a dark corner. Once there she felt a wall pushed up against her back and him hard against her front, no escape from either, not that she wanted it.


He kissed her, so hard and for so long that she was embarrassed how ragged her breath came out afterwards.


“I’m taking you home.” he almost growled, “Right the hell now.”


She wasn’t going to argue with that.


Love of mine,


They nearly tripped over one of Buffy’s suitcases in the hall and they had to throw another off the bed. The second one had been left open in Buffy’s rush to get ready to go to the club earlier, and in their haste to move it her clothes got scattered all over the bedroom.


Neither of them cared much about that.


As he tore off her clothes and worshipped every inch of her skin he committed all of her to memory. He knew he didn’t have to, because he knew nothing could break them apart anymore, but he did it anyway, for the nights that she was far away and he couldn’t touch her.


She ran her hands through his hair and over his back and arms, remembering what it was like to have him all to herself. And although the tension never truly subsided until they were laid together joined, she felt so much relief in just being close to him and in his arms.


“I missed you so fucking much.” he whispered into her ear as she shook and trembled with him, as he rocked into her body and set off fireworks behind her eyes. She held him brutally close to her as wave upon wave hit them both. She moved with him through the storm passionately and never once let go of him.


Emotionally he took her to all the places she needed to go; to the places where you discover the pleasure and rapture of love, to the scary places you have to experience in order to grow, to the risky places where you have to trust your heart to follow someone into. He grabbed her hand and she interlocked their fingers; he urgently thrust it above their heads and the muscles in his arm tensed with the force as he used it to anchor them both.


He looked into her eyes and he took them over the edge, knowing she would do the same for them both later, knowing he had found his equal in life and in love. He kissed her as the sea around them calmed, as their movements slowed and as they gently made love again.


He took her to all the places, but he always would bring her back home and safe.


This fortress in our hearts,
Comes crashing down.

The relief at being here had died down now, and Buffy felt her metaphorical feet set back onto the ground, even though in reality they hadn’t. There was a chill in the air and no matter how far she pulled the covers up it slipped underneath. After a few minutes she realised she wasn’t getting back to sleep in a hurry so she got up carefully and slid out of bed. Spike stirred a little, but not enough to wake.


She smiled at the thought of him, at the sight of him so deadly asleep, and at the ache in her thighs. Their reunion had been amazing and she still felt dizzy from it, but there was a clarity washing over her as she quickly left the room seeking out the thermostat.


After she’d turned it up again she already felt a little warmed just by the knowledge it would start working soon. She sat back on the bed, but didn’t get under the covers. While she was somewhat alone but still comfortable, knowing if she got upset she could wake him, she went back to that night in her memories; the night they’d told everyone.


The sea’s evaporating,
Though it comes as no surprise…


When they’d sat down with Giles and Dawn that night words had failed her, just like she knew they would, but she also knew in her heart that Spike needed her to take the first step for a change. She summoned the courage, and luckily everyone kept quiet and allowed her some time. Dawn was trying, but her face was scrunched up, ready for the blow of finding out all over again, hoping she was wrong about what she knew was going to come out.


Buffy looked away from her and looked instead to Giles while she gathered her strength. His face was warm and open, like it had always been. There were extra lines on it; she didn’t know if that was from his age or because of her mother’s death, but either way in spite of them he still looked like the man she had always known, and the father she had always wanted.


She reached out next to her to grab Spike’s hand and he squeezed it back hard. Giles noticed the exchange and his face pulled into one of confusion. It was true he didn’t have the slightest clue what they were going to say, but he hadn’t expected to see that either.


Once she started speaking, she found it hard to stop, but Spike was there to fill the gaps of silence when they did occur, and to back her up. Buffy managed to make her tumbled up thoughts come out in some sort of order, her years of studying writing must have helped, and she would thank someone’s god after because one wrong word could have brought things down completely differently.


It hadn’t been perfect, but it hadn’t been a disaster either.


“How long?” Giles asked, standing almost expressionless.


“Since I went to stay with her in New York, a while after me and Dru broke up.” Spike answered plainly, but Buffy could hear the lump in his throat. It was nice to know that when it came to it he was scared too.


Giles pursed his lips for a second before speaking, “And when you were children…” he trailed off, unable to form the full question. He felt slightly queasy, he couldn’t help the fact, and he had to sit back down and stop the pacing he’d begun moments ago.


“Nothing happened before that.” Buffy insisted, managing to keep her voice level. “I swear. We’ve talked a lot about it, and to be honest we never felt like brother and sister, not on some level, but we never felt that way either, not until New York.”


Giles nodded, he didn’t know why, but that thought helped a little.


“New York’s when we fell in love.” Spike clarified, “Cause that’s what we are, Dad, we’re in love. We came back to tell you all, but then…”


Dawn was sat shaking her head. Buffy looked up at her waiting for her to comment, but she didn’t. When they locked eyes she silently understood and although she had planned to reveal that Dawn already knew about them she now understood it wasn’t her secret to share. Buffy wanted to take the responsibility for Dawn leaving from Giles who she knew still blamed himself for her moving to Janice’s, but Dawn didn’t want him to know.


“We know this will take some getting used to, and we don’t expect you to understand straight away,” Spike said drawing back everyone’s attention, “but we’re in love, and we’re happy, and we want to be together.”


“I think I need to lie down.” said Giles.


He made to leave the room and Spike stood up and grabbed his arm desperately. When Giles turned around he saw the pain and worry in his son’s eyes. He looked down and saw Buffy mirroring Spike’s gesture. She was still sat down, but her hand was gripping Spike’s arm just as desperately as his own arm was being gripped, and the worry was reflected in her eyes as if they shared everything.


He rubbed his brow and shook his head.


“Please, Dad.” Spike pleaded, “I need you to be okay with this. She’s the only thing that matters to me, and I can’t live without her.”


He knew it was a terrible thing to say, because beneath the words was the promise that he would be with her no matter what, and choose her over everything and everyone else. It was an unfair piece of knowledge to depart to his father when he was so vulnerable, but he had never felt right lying to him, and he was all too aware that he’d be leaving the next day for New York again.


Giles shook his head once more, “I just need some time to think.”


“I want this, Dad. I want to be happy.” Spike almost begged.


Giles looked hurt, “I want you to be happy too, but this is…” he stumbled for words, “It’s a lot…please, just let me sleep on it.”


Spike understood then, it was a lot to tell your father that you were seeing his step-daughter, it was a lot to tell your father who had just lost his wife, and it was a lot to tell your father who was a recovering alcoholic. He let Giles’s arm go, but couldn’t help sighing in relief when he turned to take the stairs and actually go to bed instead of slipping into his office as Spike had feared he might.


Dawn got up then and Buffy stopped her with a thank you.


“I can’t say I did it just for you.” she said referring to her keeping quiet, “Finding out about you guys might have been the catalyst for me leaving, but he wasn’t there for me either. If he had been I could have stayed. If I tell him how I found out, tell him why I really left, I don’t think he’ll get that.”


“You’re punishing him? With everything that’s…” Spike breathed.


“No.” she protested, “I just need him to understand, and if we tell him now he won’t. I know he feels it’s all his fault, but I don’t know for sure if telling him will make him feel better. The way he is right now if he hears it, he’ll just get angry or upset at you…when he’s better and he can deal we’ll tell him.”


“We just wanted to be honest with him.” Buffy defended.


“He’s my dad too,” she reminded them, “I don’t want to lie to him either, but I just don’t know what telling him will accomplish right now. Look, you told him all this because you needed to, well right now I need to not tell something, not until he’s better and not until I’m sure how to say it. I just don’t want us all to turn on each other. I need us to be a family.”


These clouds we’re seeing,


The next morning they had talked again and aired out a lot of it, but it was still early days. It was the best Buffy could have hoped for given all that they had been through. Things were rocky when the subject came up, but it was still new to everyone so she let it go. In between things were fine, and for the most part when it did get mentioned she saw on Giles’s face that he was trying. He just didn’t know what to say to her sometimes and she knew when he looked at her like that he was thinking of her mother and what she would say.


She stopped dwelling on the past, it only brought her pain at the moment, she had better hopes for the future; they all did.


They’re explosions in the sky…


Although this was only the first time she’d visited it was bound to bring up a lot of things, one of those things was the future. Realistically she knew it was going to be harder than either of them pretended, and at times they would feel like giving up. It wasn’t like they were on the other side of town, and it wasn’t like she could even hop on a bus and see him if she felt lonely. It would take strength, on both of their parts, and also strength in their relationship to get through.


But given those things Buffy dared to dream for the first time what could happen afterwards. When their family was healed, in whatever way it decided to heal, then she could come back here. She could start school again, she knew they’d have her, and if she couldn’t get a job at Sam’s paper she was sure Sam would give her a shining reference to work at someone else’s. Things weren’t as bleak as she’d always thought they had been; Spike too had a career to look forward to, though she knew that would be a roller coaster in itself.


Like watching an old home movie, she saw a silent video of their lives start playing. At first it was filled with hard work, late nights, peppered with tour buses and long distance phone calls and passionate reunions. Here and there she saw people, but her and Spike were always the main feature. She saw them curled up together on the couch, she saw herself in the front row of his concert, and she saw them reading the paper together the day of her first column. She saw them going home, Giles hugging them both and her mind ran away with her after that, skipping through a few more years, seeing things as clear as day as if they had already happened.


She didn’t know where it came from, but next she saw him bending down on one knee, and she saw their wedding day. She didn’t see cakes, or dresses, or flowers, but she saw the two of them holding hands and making a promise and that was all that mattered. She saw his smile the day their first child was born.


That thought came out of left field and knocked her off her reflection. She’d thought about children in passing, thought about getting married like most little girls do at some point, but she’d never thought about it in those terms, with someone real, someone laying right next to her. She’d never thought of her life in terms of those kinds of plans, especially in wanting those kinds of plans. It was overwhelming and scary, and she didn’t know if that was a good thing at first.


Her mother would have loved to have been a grandmother. More than that, she would have loved for Buffy to have her own family, to see her be loved, to maybe even have her own daughter.


She felt her eyes well up before she could control herself, and to start with the tears rolled out silently. At first it felt natural and healing, but then her body started shaking. She wasn’t sobbing, because the tears weren’t from the place that caused sobbing, and that’s when Buffy stopped. It was so crazy for someone her age to have experienced all the different kinds of tears enough to know where they came from.


She understood her tears, but she couldn’t stop them for long, not so much as she could stop a wave from breaking or a dam from bursting.


Hush its okay, dry your eyes…


She didn’t mean them to, but her tears eventually woke him from his slumber. He blinked his eyes open tentatively at first, alluding to that time in the morning before you remember where you are and who you’re with and then he looked up and saw her. He sat up immediately and turned to her. His face was anxious and she felt guilty for that, but she couldn’t make her lips move to reassure him of anything.


“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked.


She smiled at that nickname, she didn’t know how many he had for her, but that one always surprised and warmed her.


His face didn’t change at her smile, because as soon as it had come it vanished and there were still tracks from her tears down each side of her face. He reached a hand up to cup her cheek and his thumb wiped at them idly, trying unconsciously to erase them. He waited for an answer.


She remembered then what he’d asked and reached her hand out to mirror his, holding his cheek, rough with stubble.


“Nothing.” she said, and for the first time she believed it might be true.


Soulmate, dry your eyes.




The End