A New Start

“I don’t want you here” she told him weakly.

He ignored her and held her hair as she began retching over the toilet. She took a deep breath when it was over, wiped her mouth and told him:

"Please go away.”

She kept telling him over and over but not once did she push him away as he held her. They sat on the

floor his legs around her as she leaned her back on him.

She was sick for what seemed like forever. She gave up fighting him once she was too weak.

When it was over he carried her to her bed and was going to sleep on a chair when she took him by the

arm.

“Stay” it was a whisper, barely audible.

He began to get into bed with her:

“Take off your shirt” she instructed.

He did as he was told and watched in awe as she cuddled up next to him. Feeling how hot her body was he

understood that she wanted the coolness of his body.

She awoke the next morning to an empty bed and a sunny room, thinking that it had all been a

dream. The thought filled her with sadness and she felt her heart clench at the thought of loneliness.

“This is how you wanted it” she told herself, “This is why you haven’t told anyone and why you are living

here by yourself.”

With that thought she got herself out of bed and into the bathroom to wash off last night’s sickness. When

she emerged she was accosted by the smell of eggs and bacon. He was here, he hadn't’t left after all and her

heart gave a little jump for joy.

Buffy composed herself remembering that her loneliness was no reason to run to William’s arms.

She had to be strong, there was a reason why they weren't’t together and her illness wasn't’t going to make

that reason go away. She could see him at work in her kitchen as she walked down the stairs. He was

muscular as ever in his light blue skin tight t-shirt and dark wash jeans. They clung so perfectly to his waist

that she almost let out a sigh.

For a moment it was as if nothing had changed and he was making breakfast for them like he

had every Saturday morning, but things had changed, too much. Drusilla had waltzed into their lives –

literally- and now, Buffy was slowly dying.

“Morning Love,” he greeted when she came into the kitchen

He had a smile on his face and a plate of yummy fried food in his hand.

“How are you this morning?”

*Stupid British accent* she thought, *why does he have to be so sexy?*

“You need to leave William,” she told him “I told you last night, I don’t want you here.”

“Yeah, and then you curled your sexy little body around me and fell asleep”

She gave him a look.

“Just eat Buffy. We can talk about this later. You had a hard night and you need energy.”

Out of habit she allowed him to guide her to a chair. He sat in front of her and began eating.

“I’m still queasy.” She told him “I can’t eat this”

“Can’t live off yogurt and diet coke pet.”

She looked up at him accusingly.

“What? Had to look in the fridge to make breakfast. Did a little grocery shopping for you. Got

some food that will help your body get strong for this.”

She couldn't’t resist the urge to cry. He called it “this”. What did he think “this” was?

“It’s cancer Will, breast Cancer. There’s no coming back from “this”. “This” is going to kill me. I came here

to die.”

“Pet,” he interrupted

“NO!” she yelled “I am not your “pet” or your “love”. Not anymore. I know what I have Spike.

I’m dying and I came here to do that alone.”

He stared at her, eyes filled with anger. She bit her bottom lip realizing what she’d done. What she’d called

him.
“William…..”

“No,” he said standing up “I understand. I’ll go. I just, I didn't’t want you to be alone. It’s what

you want, it’s fine.”

He was walking toward the door and she was following,

“Will, wait”

“Spike, you mean. I’m still Spike to you.”

She shook her head at him.

“I hope you get through this love. No,” he amended “I know you will.”

Then he was gone and she felt like such an asshole. She hadn't’t meant it. It had been her anger. The name

had just tumbled out because she was angry and Spike had always been the one to make her blow her top.

She was an idiot.

Buffy went over to the kitchen sat down and ate her breakfast of fried eggs, bacon and toast. Swallowing

turned out difficult to do through her tears.

Chapter 2
After a few hours of self-pity and twenty

minutes of throwing up the wonderful breakfast he had

made for her, she decided to look for him.

*How far could he have gone in an hour’s time?* She had

purposefully picked the middle of nowhere to rend her

house, this way no one would be able to find her and

she’d be to die alone, in peace. Boy had she been wrong.

She found him in the first place she thought to

look: the local bar. She hated that she’d known he’d be

there, especially so early, it was only a little after

noon. This is where Spike would go though, and its

exactly where she found him, drunk and flirting with some

townie hussy. The blond bitch was sitting on the table in

front of his chair, legs crossed, her teeny little skirt

leaving nothing to the imagination. She was twirling her

stupid hair and laughing at whatever he was telling her.

William was giving her his sex leer, hands

running up and down her thighs. It was all Buffy could do

to just turn around and go home. This was bringing too

many unwanted memories home. But she knew William and she

knew he was hiding behind his “Spike” persona and he was

hurt. She’d hurt him. So now she had to swallow her

pride, apologize, and bring her William back. She walked

up to the couple feeling much inferior to the blonde

hussy. In her ripped jeans and black tank top Buffy was

nothing in comparison. Her long blond hair was greasy and

up in a ponytail next to the blonde’s beautiful

luminescent blond waves. Nevertheless she continued on

with the task at hand.

“Excuse me,” she said interrupting their

conversation.

Little miss hussy just glared. William turned his glassy

drunken eyes at her and slurred:

“Well, well, come to get a piece of big bad

Spike? Whatsamatter pet? Don’t like to share?”

“William….”

“William’s not here.” He interrupted

“Who is this bitch Spikey?” blond and slutty
asked

“Donworry about it Harmony.” He told

her “You’ll have your turn too.” He said this and grabbed

the girl’s ass. She smiled seductively in return.

“Juss give me a minute with this one” he

finished

With great effort he stood up from his chair and stumbled

over to the corner of the bar bringing Buffy

unceremoniously along.

“Hurry up baby” the slut called after him

“Jeez Will how much have you had to drink?”

Buffy asked “Didn’t take you long to fall back into old

habits did it?”

“Iz the way you like it innit? A little bit o

demon in your man as I recall.”

He was inching a little too close for her comfort level.

Buffy put both her hands on his chest and pushed him back

a little while at the same time steading him.

“Look Will, about earlier, I’m sorry. I was

angry and………….”

“Can’t be sorry about the truth love. You call

em as you see em. I’m Spike. Can’t pretend to be someone

died long ago.”

She felt a tear run down her cheek. Damn it! It was just

a word. He hadn’t meant it litteraly. But there it was;

the truth, what was coming for her very soon. Death.

William sobered up at the look on her face.

“Buffy, I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

“You’re drunk Will.” She told him. “You want to

go down self-destruction again, go right ahead, but I’m

not coming along for the ride this time. Life’s too short

and I have my own shit to deal with.”

At that Buffy turned around and headed for the

door.

“Buffy wait,”

“Good night William”

As she walked past the blond hussy she thought she’d give

the slut a word of advice

“Good luck tonight hun. He’s a horrible drunk

and trust me, he’s no stud in bed when he’s like this.”

******************

It must have been 2 or 3 in morning. She knew

because she had just fallen asleep after having had her

own night cap and cried her eyes out. She heard the cop

through the open window in her room and William loudly

explaining himself and the reason for his inebriated

state. She rolled her eyes. *Some things never change* .

At the sound of the doorbell she slipped on a robe and

walked downstairs.

“I believe this belongs to you” the officer

told her as he pushed William in the door.

“Unfortunately” she muttered

“Buffy, you want me to put him in a cell for

the night? You don’t look well and you shouldn’t have to

deal with this guy.”

Buffy smiled at the police officer. Riley Finn had been a

good guy to her in the two months she’d been in town,

always willing to lend a hand.

“It’s ok Riley, I got it. I’ve dealt with worse

from him. This is a cake walk.”

Riley nodded his head at her, said goodnight and left a

semi-conscious William leaning against the wall.

“Buffy” he whispered


*How the hell am I going to get him upstairs? She asked

herself.

Buffy took one of Williams’s arms and draped it around

her shoulders.

“You’re going to have to sleep on the couch tonight Will.

You’re just too heavy to bring upstairs”

He giggled at that. What in God’s name was so funny about

the situation? She wondered. Oh he’d pay for this.

As she dragged him across the foyer and into the living

room William got a little frisky. He continued to grab

her ass and fondle her breast with the hand that hung

over her shoulder.

“Cut it out William.” She snapped at him.

“Come on baby” he said then leaned right into her ear and

whispered

“I know you want it. You always liked it like this.”

She was outraged. A little turned on by his ministrations

but outraged nonetheless.

“I never liked it like this. Stop. I’m so angry at you I

can scream.”

“Then scream love. Scream for me and make me harder. “

That was it! She finally made it to the couch with him

and unceremoniously threw him down on it.

“Goodnight asshole.” She told him. “I want you gone in

the morning. I don’t want you and your shit in my life.”

Chapter 3

He awoke the next morning with the worlds biggest hangover. How much had he had to drink?

His memories of the previous night and the way he’d treated Buffy came tumbling back just as

he was sitting up. Those compared with the sudden movement had him running for the

bathroom and emptying his stomach of all its contents.



*Ugh, this must be how she felt night before last. Then I went on and treated her like shit. I

really fucked up. Good going Will, come back to save the girl and you only make it worse. Only

one thing you can do now mate*



He washed up in the sink, sat down, wrote Buffy a note and was out the door before she had a

chance to wake up and see him.



****************************************************************************

The house was empty. She had walked through twice and found no signs of Will. Now

Buffy let out a sigh and sank down onto the couch. She saw his note on the coffee table and

began to read:



Buffy,



I came to help. I didn’t want you to do this alone. You don’t deserve this. God knows I’ve

put you through enough shit for a lifetime. I’m sorry, I thought I had it under control. Clearly I

don’t.



I’m sorry Buffy.

-William



Now she was crying again. God, what this man did to her. He put her through hell and back and

still she begged for more. William, or rather, Spike was an alcoholic. She’d found his drinking

sexy when they’d first met 10 years ago. Two years into the relationship taught her otherwise.

As soon as they hit tumultuous waters Spike’s drinking went from occasionally passing out on

the couch to the cops bringing him home from the bars. She’d stuck with him though, she loved

him and was sure that was enough to help him through his problems. That was until the day

she walked in on him and Drusilla in their bed. She’d left him then, without looking back. She

ignored his phone calls and his pleas for forgiveness. She’d even ignored him when he’d joined

Alcoholics Anonymous and bought a house. He got the point after while and stopped calling

her. He still showed up at all of her hangouts but he always stayed in the background and never

spoke to her. It was as if he was just observing her.



Until she was diagnosed, that’s when she’d decided to disappear. She’d watched Spike,

or rather William as he liked to be called now get his life back together and so she left so that

she could fall apart and not worry that he might too if he saw her. She still had no idea how

he’d found her or how he’d know about the cancer.



Now he was gone again and she sat on her couch sobbing for the hundredth time in two

days.





**********************************************************

Xander Harris made his way toward the incessant knocking that was being directed at his fron

t door.



“Alright, alright, I’m coming. Cool your jets.”

He opened the door to find a very disheveled looking William on the other side.



“I need a drink Xand,” Will told his best friend



“Sorry man, you know you’re not going to get it here”



Xander answered feeling a little anger at his friend for clearly having fallen off the wagon and

expecting him to help him stay off.



“I know that. It’s why I’m here and not at the bar”



Feeling relieved Xander moved to the side and gestured for his friend to come in.



“You look like shit Will. What happened?”



“Buffy. Buffy happened. We had a fight.”



“What? Wait, Buffy? How the hell did you find her? Where is she, how is she?”



Xander hadn’t heard from his childhood friend in months. She’d disappeared leaving everyone

to think she’d had enough of Will and had left to get a new start, baggage free. In a way he

understood her reasons. Will had been an ass to her, but Xander was also angry. Will had

changed, turned his life around. Sure, he’d hurt her but he’d also apologized- repeatedly. What

kind of person disappeared without saying goodbye to her nearest and dearest?



“She’s in Maine. She rented a house. She’s uh, going through some stuff. Needed some

time alone.”



William explained as best he could knowing she’d hate him even more if he told the truth.

She’d gone to Maine to die. She was dying up there and he’d done nothing but fuck it up more.



“I went there to help, so she wouldn’t have to be alone. I ended up getting drunk and

fucking things up even more.”



“But you were doing so well, and for so long man. What is it about Buffy?” His friend

asked.



“It wasn’t her. It was me. That’s why I’m here. I need to fix this.”



“Listen Spike, we’ve been over this. I’m here to support you but I can’t keep you sober.

Go to a meeting, call your sponsor.”



“I am and I will” William assured Xander “It’s just, can I crash here man? I don’t trust

myself alone.”



“Of course you can William. You know we’re here for you.” A voice from behind Xander

said.



“Anya! Wow, I’m so sorry, I thought you were still in Brazil.” William apologized to his

best friends girlfriend



“It’s ok. Come in, you can sleep on the couch. Don’t worry there’s no alcohol in the

house. Come on.”

William was greatful to Anya. To this day he still didn’t understand how Xander had

landed the girl. Xander was a geek, a self-admitted nerd. Tall, pale,dark hair

and obsessed with Dungeons and Dragons. Anya had dark hair (this week), was curvy

and sexy as they come she was a part time model. She wasn’t as hot as Buffy but too hot

for Xander that was for sure.



He followed Anya into the living room and watched her get pillows and a blanket ready

for him all the while thinking of the first time he’d met Buffy.

Chapter 4

They had met at a club. He'd been there with Xander who he'd met at work recently. He had just moved to Sunnydale from England and Xander had taken him under his wing and offered to introduce him to some friends.
He saw her dancing with some girlfriends and was immediately smitten. She'd had on some skin tight jeans that hung low on her hips and a tiny little tank top that did little to cover her tight stomach but hung low enough at the top to show off her perfect cleavage. This girl was all muscle, tanned skin and long blond hair that swung along with her body to the music. Being more than a little buzzed from alcohol already he'd had the liquid courage to come up behind her and start dancing skin to skin. She’d let him and even pushed her tight little ass into him, effectively making him hard and her slave forever.
She’d gone home with him that very night. They’d both been drunk but he’d never forget that first night they’d shared.
“William, hello?”
“Huh?” he came back to reality at the sound of Anya’s screech.
“You’re all set. Go to sleep. Oh and quit looking at me like I’m the last bottle of vodka left on Earth.”
“Sorry Ahn.” He apologized. “Thanks so much for letting me crash. You’re a life saver.”
“Sure Will. Just get your act together. Let her go already. That girl will make you self-destruct.”
He smiled at his friend.
“I can’t. I love her Anya. You don’t walk out on someone you love.”
“Well she walked out on you. What does that say about her and her feelings?”
“Goodnight Anya.” He wasn’t about to have this argument again.
Anya just waived her hands up in the air and walked away.
“Goodnight Will.”
He just smiled and settled himself into a sober night on the couch.

Anya walked into the kitchen to find her boyfriend of 2 years thinking over a cup of hot chocolate.
“He found Buffy.” He said looking up at her.
“If I hear one more thing about Buffy I’m going to scream. Leave her alone. She left. She abandoned you. She’s clearly a selfish bitch and I don’t see why everyone loves her so much.”
“You don’t understand.” He explained
“You never saw them together, the way they loved each other. By the time you came along he’d hurt her so much she only wanted to protect herself from hurting like that again.”
“I understand that and I’d get it if William had stayed an asshole. I don’t defend what he did. He was an absolute shit but he changed. He got help and he changed his life for her. Not only that but the man swallowed his pride and stayed by her while she kicked him to the curb over and over again.”
Xander shook his head. “You don’t know Buffy, she’d tough. She’d been through some serious shit and needs to put up some high wall sometimes.”
Anya opened her mouth to protest but Xander stopped her.
“Something’s wrong. She’s in trouble. He knows but won’t say.”
“So let her deal with it Xander. She’s a big girl.”
“Anya, Buffy doesn’t run away. Trust me I’ve known her since we were 10. She doesn’t run away.”
“Fine. So she’s in trouble. Whatever it is Will knows and he’s here to get himself straightened out so he can help her. Let him do it. She’s not your responsibility. Now wipe that milk of your face and come to bed. Show me how much more important I am to you than she is cowboy.” She winked at him as sashayed toward the door.
Xander smiled at his feisty girlfriend, silently thanked the gods for delivering her to him and followed her up to bed.

William couldn’t sleep. Too much was running through his mind. He had really fucked things up. *God,* he thought *What am I doing chasing after this girls? Were we even happy together?*
Who was he kidding? Of course they’d had good times, especially that first night. He remembered back to the cab ride back from the club.
“Maybe we should have told Xander that we were leaving.” She had panted between kisses.
“Nah” he responded slipping his hand up her shirt and rubbing her breast. No bra. What a woman.
“Whelp was too busy flirting with that redhead to care.”
Buffy let out a snort.
“I’m pretty sure Willow’s gay. I’d pay to see the look on his face when he finds out.”
“Knew there was something up when I caught her staring at that shy girl up on the balcony.”
At this point he knew she wasn’t paying attention to the conversation from the way she was half on his lap kissing his neck and grinding against his thigh. He took advantage of her position and started rubbing her over her jeans.
“Oh God” she moaned “You’re making me feel so good and I don’t even know your name.”
“Spike” he told her between kisses
She pulled away from him then
“Spike? What kind of a name is Spike?”
“Asks the girl named Buffy.”
At that she pouted and he laughed.
“It’s a nickname luv. Real name’s William. No one’s called me that in years.”
“It’s kinda hot.” She told him.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, It goes with the bleached hair look.” She told him and plucked at his perfectly Spiked hair.
“Ouch!” she yelled “It’s hard as a rock and really pointy.”
“I’ll show you hard as a rock and pointy. Come here!”
She squealed as he pulled her back on him and moaned when she felt him pinch her nipple.
“Ahem!” the cab driver interrupted. “We’re at your stop.”
Buffy and Spike remembered that there was someone else in the car and jumped away from each other.
“Uh, thanks, here keep the change mate” Spike tossed him some bills.
Buffy was so embarrassed that her face was red and she refused to look at the driver.
“Come on pet” he told her once the cab was gone. “It’s cold out here. Let’s go warm up.”
She smiled at him and at that moment he knew just from the way her face lit up that this girl was going to take a piece of his heart. They made love that entire night and the best part had been the conversations they’d had in between. She had surprised him even further by hanging out and letting him cook her breakfast.
He had woken up before her and although he had hated the thought of leaving her alone in bed he thought it’d be a good idea to make her breakfast. She had come out of his room wearing only his t-shirt, a shy smile on her face.
“Morning.” He greeted “Hope you don’t mind a little breakfast.”
She took in the scrambled eggs and home fries on the table and nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
“I’m usually a coffee only kind of girl but I think I can make an exception, especially since you worked so hard.”
He couldn’t help but grin at her and bounce a little on the balls of his feet.
“What?” she asked
“Didn’t think you’d stay. Tell the truth I thought you’d run for the hills soon as you saw all of this.” He told her this all the while reprimanding himself for being so honest. This had only been a one night stand, he wished it hadn’t been but who knows what she was thinking.
“I was a little worried when you weren’t next to me in bed.” She admitted “But then I realized this is your apartment so… you couldn’t really run away.”
He walked over to her and took her in his arms.
“I had a really good night Buffy. I hope we can see each other again.”
She smiled. “I’d love to. “
They’d had their first of many breakfasts that morning and he knew he would fall in love with her. He’d just prayed she felt the same.
Now he lay on his friend’s couch trying to block out the sound of Anya yelling ‘Ride em cowboy” at Xander. Where had it gone wrong? Oh yeah, his insecurities and selfishness is what had bolloxed up what they’d had. How could he fix it? Years of begging and bettering himself hadn’t worked. It didn’t matter though what mattered now was that she wasn’t alone and that he didn’t let her build that damned wall she was so fond of putting around her heart. He had to get to her and help her that was the one thing he was certain of.

Buffy sat on the recliner at the hospital with her eyes closed trying not to think of the chemo running into her body through the IV attached to her arm. What the hell had happened with William? Here she was two weeks later with more important things to think about and she still couldn’t get him out of her head. His visit, although well meant, had been disastrous. She couldn’t help the bitter smile from spreading across her face. Hadn’t that been the way of their entire relationship? Full of good intentions that always ended in disaster?
Things hadn’t really gotten that bad until her mother had gotten sick. They were living together by then, she had moved in with him after six months. She’d noticed that he drank every night.
“Enough to get a good buzz going” he’d say.
But his demeanor never changed. If anything alcohol made him sweeter, more loving, it loosened his tongue. The sex was great too! Nothing lacking in that department. So she ignored it. There wasn’t a problem there, or nothing noticeable, until they hospitalized her mother. She would stay with her all day coming home at 9 and 10 at night to find that Spike had gone out for the night. He’d come back really drunk and pass out on the couch so that all she ever saw of him was his head of white blonde hair. She slept alone and didn’t see him ever and it was beginning to aggravate her. She wanted to talk to him about it but it was difficult because they never saw each other. It was causing her more stress than she needed and so she decided to handle it, get the problem solved….. by calling Xander.
“Hi Xand, it’s Buffy”
She had been nervous. Xander had been her best friend since grade school but she still felt like she was betraying Spike by talking about their personal problems especially since he probably had no clue that they were having problems at all.
“What’s up Buff? I haven’t seen you in a while. How’s your mom?”
She hadn’t even told him her mom had been hospitalized. She had been so self-involved lately. What a horrible friend she was being.
“She’s in the hospital.”
“Oh Buffy”
That’s all it had taken for her emotional damn to break. All at once she started crying, sobbing into the phone. Every tear she had held back broke through. Xander could hear her crying, gasping for breath.
“Buffy, are you all right? Where’s Spike? Do you need me to come over?”
“I don’t know where he is.” She sobbed “I haven’t seen him in weeks”
“Wait a minute what? Weeks? I just saw him last night and he didn’t say anything.”
She tried to calm down and steady her breathing.
“Xander have you seen him drinking?”
“Of course, Spike’s always drinking. He’s always had a Jack and Coke in his hand. Why?”
“Because I think it’s out of hand. He comes home so late and then he doesn’t even bother to come to bed. He just passes out on the couch. He’s still padded out in the morning when I get up to go to work and to the hospital. By the time I get home he’s gone again God knows where or with who.”
The thought of Spike cheating on her brought her to tears again.
“Wait a minute Buffy hold on. He’s not cheating. Like I said, he was out with me last night.”
The tears just wouldn’t stop. Just then she heard keys at the door and saw a very sober Spike walk in. A panicked look crossed his face at the sight of her tear stained face and he quickly ran over to her.
“Hey baby what’s wrong?” he asked his eyes full of concern
“You” she cried “You’re what’s wrong.”
“Uh, Buff” Xander’s voice came “M maybe I should let you guys talk”
“Yeah” she whispered “I’ll talk to you later Xand”
She hung up the phone just as Spike got on his knees in front of where she was sitting on the couch so he could be at eye level with her and took her hands in his own.
“What was it you were talking to Xander about love?”
“You” she whispered “and your drinking and how I haven’t seen you in two weeks.”
“Haven’t seen me?” he asked “I’ve been here the whole time pet”
She shook her head.
“You’re gone when I get home and you’re so drunk when you come back that you just pass out on the couch. Spike we haven’t shared a bed in weeks.”
Again the tears started streaming but she didn’t fall apart this time. Spike looked guilty. He stood up and began pacing.
“I’ve been that bad eh?” he asked
She nodded.
“I’m sorry kitten. Sometimes I get out of hand and I guess that watching you deal with so much, well, it made me feel like I should give you space to deal with your stuff.”
“She stood up from the couch and walked over to him wrapping her arms around him she said,
“I need you baby. I don’t want space. I need you right here with me. In our bed.”
He kissed her then. Hard. So intensely that she almost forgot the rest of it but she managed to pull away.
“Spike”
“Yeah? God I missed you so much.” His hands were caressing her ass now and she feel him getting excited.
“About the drinking. It worries me.”
“It stops. It ends now.” He reassured her. Putting his forehead to hers so that they were eye to eye he said, “I’m sorry love, I let it get out of hand but it’s under control now. I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”
A slow seductive smile spread over her face.
“Really?” she asked
Picking up on her mood he leered back at her
“Really.”
“Good, because I need you in the bedroom. Now.”
“I can be there for you love.” He picked her up and carried her to their room.
******************************************************

His sobriety lasted about a week. The following Friday he was escorted home by a very angry police officer. Spike had been drunk beyond comprehension and had quickly passed out on the couch.

His behavior had been horrible but she had stayed. She loved him and at that time she'd stupidly thought that was enough.

“Hi, my name’s William and I am an alcoholic.”

“Hi William.”

He couldn’t believe he was here again. To be honest, maybe he never should have stopped going, then he wouldn’t be in this mess. Every time he thought back to where his alcoholism had started he knew it had not been with Buffy no matter how much Anya had tried to drill it in his head. He’d always had a drink in hand, ever since he could remember. When his mother had died and his father had left him to live on his own at 18 so that he could go marry his step mom who wanted nothing to do with him, that’s when he’d started drinking. At the time it had taken some of the edge off the anger he’d felt at his mother for dying and his father for leaving him alone without any support. Sure, he’d been 18 but how much can an 18 year old provide for himself? He’d had to pick up a job at a bar and quit school just so he could make ends meet. A job as a bartender had seemed a good idea at the time, but looking back now it had given him more access to his stress relief method than was necessary. By the time he’d quit and gone off to work with Xander the damage had already been done. At first he didn’t drink enough to get drunk, just enough to feel a good buzz and be able to sleep. So it was clear to him that this whole thing had started way before Buffy had come along. She’d actually fixed the problem. At least for a little bit. Of course he always lost control when things go stressful and things got pretty stressful when Buffy’s mom Joyce got sick.

He remembered walking into their apartment to find her sitting on the couch crying.

“Buffy, baby what’s wrong?” he’d asked

She looked up at him and the look on her face broke his heart. Her eyes were red and her mascara was running but the worst of it was the way her lower lip quivered.

“My mom, she’s sick. She’s had headaches for a while and today she collapsed- she has a brain tumor!”

This set her off into sobs. He ran over to her and w rapped his arms around her.

“It’s okay kitten, I’m here.” He soothed.

She hugged him back tightly.

“I don’t know what to do Spike. She says she’s okay but I know she’s just trying to make me feel better.”

“Sh sh, s’okay.”

“That’s the thing” she said “What if it’s not? What if this gets worse? I can’t be without my mom.” She cried.

“Don’t think that way. Let’s take things as they come yeah? Doesn’t do any good to think negatively.”

She nodded.

“I’m here for you love,” he assured her “Whatever you need, I’ll be right here.”

He kept his promise to her. As much as he could, but as time passed he felt her pulling away from him and from her friends. She would go to work then to the hospital or to her mom’s house, wherever Joyce’s illness took her. She would come home late and pick at the dinner he’d made her rarely speaking, and then she’d go to bed telling him how tired she was. She was beginning to close off to him and he was feeling hurt and ignored and guilty for feeling that way. She was losing her mom; he had no right to ask for her attention right now. So he started doing other things with his time, letting her have her space. He’d go out with Xander or hang out on his own. Some nights he’d play poker with the boys from work. Sure, he’d have some drinks but it was no big deal.

One night he got home to find Buffy sitting in front of the TV. He found it odd since most nights she was already asleep when he got home. She had tears in her eyes as she stared at the movie playing. He walked over and sat next to her.

“She’s so sick. “she told him

“”M sorry love.”

“They sent her home again but I don’t think she’ll be around much longer.”

“Buffy,” he put his arm around her.

“I’m okay.” She told him “I’ll be okay.”

He pulled his arm back, tilted his head and looked at her. She gave him a closed lipped smile.

“You don’t have to do this.” He told her.

“Do what?” she asked

“You don’t need to be strong for me. I’m here for you.”
She took his hand and said
“Thank you I’m fine. Really. I was just waiting up for you so I could say good night.”
She stood up from the couch and leaned down to give him a quick kiss.

“I love you.”

“Love you too kitten.” He answered

As soon as she closed the door to their room he got up and got the Jack Daniels out. *Just give her some space mate* he told himself *She just needs some room*

****************************************************

“So I think it was my insecurities that led me to start drinking…”

William walked outside to find Xander was waiting for him.

“Hey, how’d it go?”

“Depressing with a bit o’ hope at the end”

“Yeah but how’d it really go?” his friend asked with a smile knowing how William liked to make light of things.

“I’m glad I’m back that’s for sure. I shouldn’t have stopped going.”

“Well you live and you learn right?”

“So, where’s the car?” William asked trying to change the subject.

“Thought we’d take a walk. It’s a nice day out.”

“Right. What’d she do to the car now?” William asked him already guessing what the answer would be.

“What? Anya? Nothing. Why do you always think it’s her fault when something’s wrong with the car?”

“Because she’s crashed the bloody thing three times! I don’t even know why you let her near it.”

“Never mind the car Will listen, I need to know something. What’s your plan?”

“Dunno.” He answered honestly “Want to get myself straight ‘fore I come up with a plan.”

“Are you going to see her again?” Xander asked trying to sound casual.

“I want to but I don’t want to bollocks things up again.”

“Do you think I could-“

“No.”

He knew what his friend was going to ask. William looked at him knowing that Xander was trying desperately to be patient but that it was killing him not knowing where Buffy was and what her reasons for leaving were but he couldn’t betray her. Not again.

“Come on Will. We haven’t seen her or heard from her in months! I just want to know that she’s okay.”

“Xander, she left for a reason. She has things to figure out. She’ll find you when she’s ready.”

“I’m ready.” A voice rang out just as they were walking past the Espresso Pump.
“Anya. What are you doing here?” Xander asked his girlfriend as he kissed her hello.

“Oh, I got tired of waiting for that mechanic to fix the car so I walked over to get a cup of coffee. I was hoping to see you guys – William what? Xander, why is he looking at me like that?”

William was trying his hardest not to burst out into laughter. He had been right but he didn’t want to anger Anya, she had the worst temper so he just stood there trying to keep his face in control.

“You look constipated.” She told him “Maybe we should stop by the market and get you some prunes. It’s all this Buffy stress. Really, you shouldn’t even be wasting your time.”

“Anya,” Xander warned

“What? Do you know this one’s been trying to figure out how to get you to tell us where she is?” she said pointing at Xander.

“Ahn” Xander warned her again

“She left for a reason. She has things to figure out. She’ll find you when she’s ready and then you can have your precious best friend back though I think you’re both better off without her.”

Anya held her hands up in surrender at the look both men gave her.

“Okay, okay I’m out of it. Not my business, got it. Now let’s go get some food. I’m starved!”

William looked at Xander who just shrugged. Anya could eat so it wasn’t surprising that after having just had coffee and probably a Danish to go with it she was still hungry. He remembered how empty the refrigerator at Buffy’s had been and he hoped she was feeding herself better now than she had been when he’d last been there. She had been too skinny and she was too strong a woman to look so frail and defeated.

Buffy sat on her bed trying to read a book but finding her mind wondering off constantly. It had been two months since William’s visit and she hadn’t heard a word from him. *Good. I told him to get out and he finally listened* God but that man could be stubborn. How many times had she asked him to leave her alone after their break up? Countless but still he make it a point to be near her whenever he could.

She remembered the first time he showed his face after their nasty break up. It had been at the Bronze where she’d been hanging out with Xander and his new “friend” Anya. Buffy was talking to Xander about her upcoming night courses when he interrupted her

“Oh look, there’s Spike, um I mean William.”

“William?” her heart stopped and she caught herself asking and looking around the room for him.

“Yeah. He’s going by William now. Says it suits him better.”

“Suits him better.” She whispered to herself still looking. She didn’t see him though. She quickly stopped herself and went back to talking to Xander and pretending she didn’t care that Spike or rather, William was there.
After a few more minutes of pretending to care about Xander’s new construction project he said

“’Scuse me Buff. I’m going to go say hi to him.”

He laid his hand over hers and squeezed. She smiled at him as he got up to leave knowing that he’d been torn by their breakup feeling as though he’d had to choose sides. She’d tried her best to be respectful and understanding of his friendship to Spike but sometimes it was difficult knowing that Xander’s loyalty didn’t lay solely with her and he hadn’t wanted to kick his ass for the way he’d treated her. Xander had told her he’d given Spike hell for what he did but that he had changed and was taking lots of steps to be a better person so he couldn’t be angry at him anymore.

She watched as Xander walked up to some guy and said hello. She wondered how they knew each other and looked around again trying to find Spike. Her eyes fell back on Xander and the guy he was talking to looked up, made eye contact with her and smiled. She gasped when she recognized his piercing blue eyes. It was Spike, but completely different. He was someone different, William. He’d cut his hair so that it was a close shave and the blonde was all gone. He was sporting his natural brown color. She noticed that his black duster and t shirt were gone. He had on a very tight light blue t shirt and faded blue jeans.

“Hey! Buffy!”

Anya’s voice made her realize she was staring and she quickly tried to compose herself and looked at Anya to hear what she’d been saying.

“He’s changed” Anya told her

“What? Who?” Buffy asked confused.

“William. Who else?” Anya answered not hiding her annoyance. “He’s in AA now, even has a sponsor. He doesn’t go out anymore, and he’s been taking a few college courses. He’s really trying to straighten himself out.”

“That’s nice” she answered.

“He still loves you Buffy.”

“Anya-“ she didn’t want to have this conversation again. She was tired of hearing about how sorry he was.

“Buffy you need to stop being such a bitch.”

“What?!” she asked shocked at what this woman she barely knew had called her.

“Look, he’s sorry. He’s changed, he’s apologized to you. Sure not to your face but through letters, flowers, e mails- he’s sorry! Give him another chance.”

“Listen, I don’t see how this is any of your concern but what I choose to do with my love life is my business not yours. You have no right to sit there and judge me I don’t care what you are to Xander.” She got up and grabbing her purse said “Tell Xander I had to go and I’ll call him tomorrow”

She was making her way toward the door as fast as she could before the tears could start coming when she felt someone grab her by the arm from behind.

“What?” she yelled turning to see who it was.

“Not leaving are you?” he asked “Hope not on account of me.”

It was Spike or William, she quickly tried to compose herself.

“I um, I have to work tomorrow. Early night for Buffy.” She said avoiding looking him in the eye.

“Look Buffy, I know you’ve gotten all of my apologies but I just wanted to say it in person. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when I said I’d be. I’m sorry I wasn’t at your mum’s funeral, it was a difficult time for me but most of all I’m sorry for –“

“Drusilla.” She finished for him “Look Sp- William it’s done. It’s over and so are we so let’s just get on with our lives okay?”

She was crying now. There was no stopping the tears now that he’d mentioned her mother. He hadn’t been there to hold her hand when they’d put Joyce in the ground and she hated him for that because he’d promised her he would be. She felt his hand on the side of her face.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated “I want you to know I’m not drinking anymore. I joined AA….”

“That’s good William. Good for you but I can’t do this. Not now. You hurt me, more than I thought you ever could. I have to go.”

She took his hand off her face and walked away. She made it to her car before breaking down in tears and driving home to watch The Notebook and eat all of the ice cream in the house.

William sadly made his way to the table where Xander and Anya were sitting.

“How’d it go? Didn’t look good from here.” Xander told him.

“She’s not ready to talk yet – I’m a fuck up.”

“You are not a fuck up.” Anya told him. “Yeah, sure you fucked up but you’re making up for it, almost every day. Seriously Will how much money have you spent on apology gifts for her? She needs to get over it. It’s been months!”

“Anya!” both men yelled.

“What?” she asked. “Look, that girl is ungrateful and she can’t see a good thing when it’s staring her in the face. She can’t appreciate that you are atoning for what you did, that you’re becoming a better man because of it. She’s not worth it William.”

“I love her Anya.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Don’t worry.” Xander told his friend “She’ll come around soon. You’ll see.”

**********************************************************

She finally fell asleep, book in hand and visions of Spike plaguing her dreams.

She awoke to the sound of ringing, and letting out an annoyed moan hit the snooze button and turned to the side to try and get some more sleep. The ringing continued.
“What the-?” she said hitting the snooze button multiple times. The ringing continued and finally she realized that it was the doorbell and not the alarm clock. With great effort she stood from her bed and threw on her bathrobe.

“I’m coming!” she yelled as she made her way down the stairs “Cool your jets will ya?”
She mumbled to herself.

She threw the door open when she reached it ready to give whoever it was a piece of her mind but found herself staring instead.

“Buffy” he said

“Will?” she gasped and then quickly recovered remembering she was pissed at him. “What are you doing here?” she snapped.

“Came to help you.”

“Well last time you did that you royally fucked up.” She reminded him.

He looked ashamed.

“‘M sorry. Had to get some things sorted but now I’m here and I promise you- no more fuck ups.”

She rolled her eyes. “How am I supposed to believe you?” she asked

“Trust me.”

As if it were that easy
.
“Look, William, I have chemo in a half hour and I have to get ready. I get the feeling your stubborn ass won’t leave so just come in and stay out of my hair.”

He nodded and followed her in. Looking at her closely as she walked around the living room he saw how thin she had become since he’d last seen her. He hair was also thinner, had it started to fall out already?

“Have you been eating?” he asked her.

“That’s none of your business.” She told him rudely.
She noticed the worried look in his eyes and felt bad.
“I do eat. I’m never hungry anymore but I force myself. It just doesn’t stay down much you know? It’s the chemo.”

“Buffy-“

“No pity.” She told him “Especially from you. I’m going upstairs to get ready. I don’t care what you do.”

She felt a rush of happiness as she walked up the stairs. *He came back* she thought *I don’t have to do this alone* and she allowed herself a small smile.

Fifteen minutes later she came back down showered and changed. Not seeing him in the living room she went into the kitchen. He was sitting at the table a cup of coffee and a toasted bagel with cream cheese across from him.

“Sit,” he directed her.

She sat down and took a sip of coffee.

“Thanks.” She told him “I don’t think you being here is a good idea William.”

He looked at her, his face serious.

“You need me. Whether you realize it or not, you can’t do this alone. I’m here to help.”

She could have argued but she was happy that he was here with her. She knew she should have been angry but why waste the energy?

“Eat up,” he told her “have an appointment to get to.”
She wanted to thank him for this, but her pride as usual, stood in the way.

They sat together in the hospital. Spike in the recliner next to hers. The drive over had been quiet. She hadn’t felt like making small talk and he must have sensed it so he hadn’t pried. Now he watched her lying back with her eyes closed, the chemo going into her body through a small IV in her arm. She still looked strong, determined, whether it was to beat this thing or to show him she could do this alone he couldn’t tell. She opened her eyes and caught him staring.

“What?” she asked

“How do you feel?”

“Not bad now. Later, it’s always harder later.” She closed her eyes again and put her ear buds in so she could tune him out and pretend he wasn’t there. He caused her too much stress.

William wondered how she’d done this on her own for the past two months. Poor girl. He wouldn’t leave her again, not if he could help it.

She opened her eyes and looked at him again.

“How’s Xander?” she asked

“Good. He’s good”

“Is he still with Anya?”

“Yeah, they live together.” He told her.

She made a face.

“Anya’s a good bird. She looks out for her people.” He explained “Just doesn’t have the best way of saying things, no filter.”

“I’m not her biggest fan.” She told him

“Suppose not.” He answered recalling some confrontations between the two women. “He loves her though, an’ she’s good for him.”

She nodded and began putting her ear buds back in.
“He misses you. Worries about you.”

She looked at him. “I went away to protect him.” She explained.

“Him or yourself?”

“What?! William, I don’t want to hurt anyone. He’s fine. He’s living his life with the bitch from hell.”

She smiled at the look of reprimand on his face.

“Anya,” she amended “with Anya and he doesn’t need me sucking up his good vibes.”

“He loves you Buffy. He’d want to help, be here for you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it William.” She said shutting down. “I made my decision and it’s for everyone else’s good.”

She put her buds back in leaned back and closed her eyes. Those wore their last words to each other until they reached her house.


He drove back home because she didn’t look well enough to do it herself although she’d insisted that she was fine. He had to help her out of the car and into the house however, but not once mentioned it.

“Couch or room?” he asked when they walked in.

“Couch” she answered.

He helped her to the couch where she laid down and he took the afghan that was folded on the chair and placed it over her.

“Thanks” she whispered.

Her eyes were starting to close and she looked paler than she had that morning.

“Going to see about making some lunch.” He told her “You just get some rest. Sleep for a while.”.

She didn’t have the energy to speak so she nodded at him and closed her eyes. She heard him walk away and then come back to place something on the coffee table. When she opened her eyes she saw that he’d brought her saltines and ginger ale. She smiled to herself and went back to sleep.

In the kitchen William worked on finding ingredients to make soup. Once he has that started he went out to the car and got his laptop. Sitting in the kitchen he googled Stage 3 breast cancer and intravenous chemotherapy along with its side effects. In his research he realized how serious Buffy’s cancer really was and real that a lot of women opted for mastectomies in her case just to be sure the cancer never came back. He also read that the chemotherapy would cause her to be tired often and that she would probably be sick to her stomach as well as suffer from hair loss, things he’d already noticed in her.

He was interrupted from his reading by the sound of her retching and ran out to the living room to see her leaning over the bucket he had brought her while she’d been asleep. He sat down behind her and held her hair back while rubbing circles on her back.

“sh sh s’alright” he soothed

When she finished she leaned her head back onto his lap. He ran his fingers through her hair and noticed the many strands that came attached to his hand. Realizing what he was doing he placed his hand on her forehead instead.

“A lot came out didn’t it?” she asked

“What do you mean?”

“My hair” she explained.

“Sorry” he said sheepishly.

She smiled up at him. “Comes with the territory.”

She was trying to be strong. He could tell because her smile didn’t reach her eyes.

“Maybe I should shave it off like yours.” She whispered lacking the strength to speak up.

He smiled at her. “Can show off your natural color.”
“This is my natural color.” She frowned “I never asked you why yours changed.”

“My hair? “He asked “Was going through some big changes, seemed the thing to do. Change outside and in.”

“Hmm” she said

“Want me to put the TV on?” he asked her

She nodded and he put it on. He flipped through the channels for a bit until he found a Passions re-run and left it there. She rolled her eyes at him and went back to sleep.

He sat there with her head on his lap watching his show until his phone started vibrating in his pocket. He gently took it out without disturbing her and answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey Will, how’s everything? She okay?”

William gently got up from the couch placing a pillow under Buffy’s head before answering.

“Yes Xander, Buffy’s fine.”

“How about you? How was the drive?”

“The drive was good. I’m good.” He answered

“It must have been tiring. About how long did it take you to get there? Hey did you bring warm clothes? Not like I know if you need them but you might. How’s the weather there?”

William smiled at his friends’ awful detective attempt. “Stop trying to figure out where I am Xander.”
Xander grumbled something William didn’t understand.

“Fine. Just tell her I love her and if she needs me I’ll be there for her.”

“Got it. Talk to you later. Got some things to take care of.”

“Alright. Oh Anya says to be careful with yourself.”.

“Careful. Got it. Talk to you later. Bye.”

William hung up the phone shaking his head. Anya would always play mother hen to him. He turned to see Buffy watching him
.
“Xander?” she asked

“Yeah” he told her “But don’t worry, didn’t tell him anything.”

“But he was trying to figure it out. I heard you.” She accused.

“He won’t though. Don’t worry your secret’s safe.”
“That’s why I didn’t want you here.” She told him as if she hadn’t heard him explain. “I don’t want anyone involved. This is my business and I should be able to handle it on my own if I want!”

Her voice got louder the angrier she became. She struggled to sit up then slowly stood and made her way up the stairs shooting him an angry look in the process. William threw himself down on the couch when he heard her bedroom door slam. Would they ever be able to be together a full day without fighting?

Chapter 10

She awoke to see it was dark out; she must have slept away the afternoon. Deciding to make something out of the evening and not just lie around, she made her way down to the living room. William was asleep on the couch. He looked so peaceful but older too. When had the time passed? She wondered. This man had been the center of her life in one way or another for almost a decade. Why did things between them have to be so complicated? He opened his eyes, and for a moment she lost her breath when she looked into those blue eyes.

“Why are you here?” she asked him

“Must’ve fallen asleep,” he answered

“No. Why aren’t you running? I gave you an out. I relieved you of your duties when I moved here.”

He sat up and shrugged his shoulders.

“I love you.”

He said it as if it were that simple, as though that would resolve everything. Suddenly feeling drained and dejected she slowly sat down on the couch across from him.

“You love me,” she said. “It’s that simple.”

He just looked at her with an expression that said, “Duh.”

“You and I were over a long time ago,” She reminded him.

He felt the urge to argue, to explain that they were never over, not in his heart. She had always belonged to him, but she looked so pale and suddenly slightly green. He grabbed for the bucket he’d cleaned out a while ago and put it under her just as she leaned over to be sick.

“You need me,” he told her when she’d finished. “The chemo is making you sicker, weaker. You can’t do this on your own.”

She glared at him.

“So what? You’re going to stay and watch? You’re going to watch me die?”

“I love you Buffy,” He told her again. “I’ll stay with you to help you, and you’re not going to die.”

Too tired and sick to fight anymore, she simply rolled her eyes and threw her head on the back of the couch. Smiling at his momentary victory, he wagged his eyebrows at her and made her laugh.

“Know you probably don’t want to, but you should eat something.”

She made a face. “I just threw up.”

“So go wash up. I made some soup. Won’t sit heavy on your stomach.”

“I’m still mad at you,” she told him as she got up and walked to the bathroom.

********************************************************

“Well? Did you find out the name of the town?” Anya asked Xander as soon as he hung up the phone.

“No. Not even a hint.”

“We’re never going to find her! Do you know how big Maine is?” she whined.

“What’s with the sudden need to find Buffy, Ahn?” he asked.

“Not Buffy. I want to find William before she breaks him again.”

He closed his eyes and clenched his fists in exasperation. Xander loved his girlfriend, but sometimes she could be very trying. He wished more than anything that she could see Buffy the way he saw her. He wanted Anya to love his best friend as much as he did.

Those two hadn’t gotten along from the first time they’d met. He remembered being so excited for them to meet the night Buffy had returned from a short vacation she’d taken with her mother. They had decided to go out to the Bronze and Anya was looking forward to meeting the girl Xander had described as a sister and the girlfriend Spike had missed so much. Spike and Anya had hit if off right away. It had been as if they had known each other forever. Xander hoped things would be the same for her and Buffy.

They arrived at the Bronze to find Buffy and Spike sitting at a table having what seemed to be some kind of argument. Spike’s hands were flailing about and Buffy sat stone faced across from him, her arms crossed on her chest. Finally, he seemed to give up and stood up, roughly pushing the chair out of his way and walked over to the bar. Anya gave Xander a questioning look, and all he could do was shrug. He thought things were better between the couple after her phone call to him. Neither had mentioned anything although now that he thought about it, Spike was drinking more in Buffy’s absence.

“Come on!” Anya said, pulling on his hand and interrupting his train of thought. “Let’s go meet the perfect woman.”

He noted a bit of jealousy in her tone, so he gave her a kiss on the lips and said,

“You’re the perfect woman.”

She smiled at him, and they made their way over to Buffy. She didn’t seem to notice them until Xander cleared his throat. She looked up and put a smile on her face.

“Xander!” she said standing and giving him a hug. “I missed you. How are you?”

He pulled her away from him and looked her. She looked thinner, and her entire demeanor just seemed sad. How come he hadn’t noticed this? He thought that with her mother’s health improving she would be happier now.

“How are you?” he asked, “How was your trip?”

She smiled again. “It was great. We went to the ocean and stayed in a really nice hotel. She needed the time away.”
Xander was about to ask about Spike when he felt Anya elbow him in the ribs.

“Ow! Oh, sorry!” he said. “Buffy, this is my friend Anya.”

“Friend!” Anya practically yelled.

“Special friend.” Xander amended. “Very special.”

Buffy smiled at the irony in Xander’s fear of commitment. He always wanted a girlfriend, and here he was with one, too scared to even call her girlfriend. She extended her hand to Anya, whom she found to be very pretty.

“Nice to meet you.”

Anya took her hand. “Xander never stops talking about you,” she said.

“So,” Xander said interrupting Anya before she said something to embarrass him. “Where’s Spike?”

“Oh, you know, drinking. Where else?” she answered bitterly.

Catching on to her tone, Xander thought he should talk to her alone and see what was bothering her.

“Speaking of drinks, I sure am thirsty. You want anything, Buffy? Ahn?”

“I could use a diet coke,” Buffy answered.

“Ooh, I’ll have one of those yummy chocolatini’s,” Anya added.

“Great!” Xander said. “Anya, would you mind getting those? Oh, and a Sam Adams for me, please?” he took some money out of his pocket and gave it to her not noticing the angry glare she was directing his way.

Anya made her way over to the bar, and seeing Spike, she headed over to him.

“Finally met Buffy,” she told him as she sidled up beside him and motioned to the bar tender.

“Yeah, and what’d you think?” he asked, taking a shot of what she assumed was whiskey from its amber color.

“She’s pretty.”

“That she is,” he agreed.

“Kind of uptight though. I mean I didn’t talk to her much, but she seemed stiff.”

“Right bitch when she wants to be,” he said, taking down another shot.

Anya noticed he had two more shot glasses lined up. Buffy must have really upset him.

“Xander thinks she can do no wrong.”

“Xander’s got rose colored glasses when it comes to her,” he explained. “Been in love with her since grade school.”

Spike took his third shot and looked at Anya. The look on her face made him realize what he’d just said.

“Anya, don’ listen to me. ‘M drunk. Xander loves you he’s been over Buffy since forever. ‘M just angry an’ taking it out on you. Wasn’ fair of me. ‘M sorry, pet.”

Knowing from the way his accent had changed she realized that he was indeed drunk. Anya took his hand and asked,

“What did she do Spike? It’s the first time you’ve seen each other in two weeks and already you’re getting drunk.”

“’S nothing, pet,” he assured her with a smile. “Order your drinks an go on back to your man. I’ll be over in a bit.”

Anya ordered her drinks and sat next to him in silence watching him take his last shot and order a beer.
She finally got her drinks and made her way over to the table. She came back to see Buffy and Xander laughing together, and she felt a twinge of anger.

“Here you go,” She said, setting the drinks on the table and sitting down. “You’re boyfriend’s at the bar Buffy.”

“I know.” Buffy said turning serious.

“Something’s clearly bothering him, and here you are laughing the night away with Xander.”

“Just so you know Anya, Spike’s always at the bar, regardless of whether something’s bothering him or not.” Buffy told the girl tersely.

“But don’t you think maybe you should go talk to him instead of sitting here enjoying your time with my boyfriend. Didn’t you just get back today?”

“I don’t think that’s any of your business.” Buffy informed her, getting angrier by the minute. “I know Spike and how to deal with him. Right now, I’m catching up with our friend. Why don’t you go talk to my boyfriend since you know him so well?”

Anya sat there for a minute before finally standing up. She turned in Xander's direction and told him “I’m going to go to the bar, and see what’s up with Spike. You can stay here and hang out with Buffy.”

They spent the rest of the evening separately until it was time to go home. Xander had to help Spike to the car, and Buffy drove home, as Spike was practically passed out in the passenger’s seat.

The relationship between the two girls had stayed the same, tense, but they had managed to be courteous with each other when they were together. Most of the time at least.

“Hmm” Xander said coming back to the present.

“What?” Anya asked

“I’m trying to remember where it was Buffy took her mother that time they went away. You know before Joyce…..” Xander couldn’t finish the sentence.

“Died?” Anya asked. “I remember the night Buffy came back from that trip when we first met. Spike was a mess.”

“I think it was in Maine!” Xander said, not listening to what Anya was saying. “I wish I could remember the town.”

Chapter 11
William and Buffy sat at her kitchen table eating the soup he’d made for her while she had been sleeping.

“That was pretty good,” she told him after she ate her last bite.

He watched her, feeling both happy and surprised that she had finished the entire bowl he’d served her.

“Glad you liked it, pet.”

“Well, I’m going to turn in,” she told him getting up from her chair. “The chemo really takes it out of me. The spare room is across from the upstairs bathroom. You can stay there instead of on the couch.”

“Thanks,” he told her.

“Don’t get any ideas,” she warned him “It’s just for tonight.”

“All right, I won’t, thanks, luv.”

He stayed at the table after she left, a smile on his face. He was making progress already, and it was only his first day back.

Buffy went about her room getting ready for bed and enjoying the sudden giddiness she felt. She hadn’t felt this way in a long time. She liked that William had taken care of her like in the old days; it made her feel less alone to know someone cared. She knew that he was only here until tomorrow. She would have to tell him to go home in the morning, but for now, it was nice to feel good.

She fell asleep and found herself dreaming of one of her favorite times spent with Spike before everything had gone bad before her mother had gotten sick. It had been their one year anniversary. He had taken her to the beach and made her pack an overnight bag. They would be staying in a hotel, their first time away together.

He drove them right to the beach. It was midafternoon when they arrived. They played in the water and chased each other around until finally he told her that they should leave and check into the hotel.

Later on, once the sun had gone down he took her back to the beach. There were no longer many people about, and they walked to an isolated area. There she saw he had taken some wood and built a fire for them. He’d also brought a blanket and a basket with their dinner. They sat by the fire, drank champagne, and enjoyed the sound of the waves crashing.

“I love you, Buffy,” he told her.

“Spike,” she’d said, unable to return his words.

He placed his hand on her cheek and tilted his head to the side, his blue eyes looking more intense than she’d ever seen them before.

“You changed my life. I can’t imagine it without you. Buffy, you are my heart.”

He had a tear in his eye, and she was so overwhelmed with love for him that she couldn’t speak; all she could do was to kiss him and show him how much she loved him in return. She felt their kiss become more intense, deeper, more meaningful, his hands suddenly everywhere on her. She allowed him to lay her back on the blanket and place small kisses on her face and neck.

“Love you, Buffy,” he whispered. “So much. Love all of you—you’re so kind, so strong.”

A moan escaped her, and her entire body became aroused, just with his words and the feeling of him over her, protecting her. She had never been able to speak so openly to him; it was something she envied in him, but she was always able to show him her feelings in other ways. She began to rub her groin on his, enjoying the friction it caused. He let out a moan, and she knew he was enjoying it too. She began unbuttoning his jeans when she heard a female voice in the background,

“Uh, uh, uh, my Spike. You promised me you’d be my toy tonight.”

She pulled away from his kiss only to see Drusilla standing behind him. Her pale body swathed in a long black flowing dress. Her lips were contorted into a half smile, half pout; it gave Buffy the creeps. Buffy suddenly found her arms empty, as he began to walk away from her toward Drusilla; his mouth twisted into a horrible smirk.

“’Ello, luv,” he said to her. “Didn’t expect you’d come round tonight.” He kissed her, and she placed her hand behind his head to deepen it.

“Spike?” Buffy asked, her sad and forlorn voice ringing out in the darkness “What about our dinner? It’s our anniversary.”

He turned to look at her, his face smudged with her lipstick.

“Sorry, pet. Can’t stay here anymore, ‘ve got my Dru to take care of. She can give me things you never could. She’s not lacking like you are.”

“Lacking?” she asked. “Lacking what?”

“You’re not enough for him, luv,” Drusilla explained. “You’ll never be. My Spike needs more. He needs me. Come on now, Spike, let’s leave the sad girl alone.”

Spike took one last look at Buffy, shrugged, and walked away with Drusilla. Buffy was left alone sitting on the blanket, feeling as though her heart had been ripped out of her chest.

She had tears streaming down her face but could not wake up. She tossed and turned, but still the nightmare continued.

Suddenly, she was fifteen again and walking into her father’s office building in L.A. where she had lived before moving to Sunnydale. She was practically skipping down the hall to his office feeling so excited about the ice capades he was taking her to that night. Looking in a mirror in the hallway she barely recognized herself, so happy her skin almost glowed. She hadn’t seen herself look so youthful and carefree in a very long time.

Suddenly, she opened the door to her father’s office, and it was as if the light that had been her happiness, flew out of her body. Her father had a woman over his desk screaming out his name as he pushed into her from behind. Buffy felt nauseous and turned to leave, running out the door she heard her father say,

“Shit, Marilyn, put your clothes back on. Fuck! Buffy, honey, wait, I can explain!”

He chased after her and caught her just as she was about to exit the building.

“Why dad? What about mom? How could you do that to us? “
He shrugged in the same way Spike had at the beach. “That’s just the way life is, sweetie. I don’t love your mom anymore, and I never really wanted to have kids. You were more of an obligation than anything, and now that I’ve met Marilyn I can be done with you.”

The woman he’d been with in his office came out now and put her arm around him.

“We’re getting married,” he announced. “Please let your mother know I want a divorce.”

Buffy couldn’t see anything through her tears.

“Daddy?” she called.

“Don’t you know?” The woman asked her. “Men will only hurt and disappoint you. Never trust a man.”

Then they were walking away from her just like Spike and Dru had before.

Buffy finally awoke from her nightmare and felt how wet her face was. Why was this happening? There was no way she could go back to sleep now, so she got up, washed her face with cold water and made her way back into the kitchen.

William was sitting at the table having some tea when Buffy came in the door.

“’Lo, luv,”

She jumped. “William, you startled me!” she yelled.

“Sorry. Can’t sleep?” he asked.

“Want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” she asked innocently.

“You look like you just saw a ghost, pet. So tell me, did you have a nightmare?”

She shook her head, “No, just couldn’t sleep. I’m going to— “she turned to leave “I just need some fresh air.”

She didn’t want to explain herself to him. She just needed some quiet time and fresh air, so she went out to the back porch and sat on her bench swing. She felt so flustered; out of sorts that dream had really messed with her head. She looked up into the night sky and taking in all the stars she wondered where in her life things had gotten so fucked up. When had she stopped being able to show emotion? Had it been because of Spike and the way he’d hurt her or had it been because of her father? She knew she hadn’t really been able to tell Spike she loved him, she’d only been able to let him know a few times in their relationship whereas he wore his heart on his sleeve, even at the end when they had both been angry and hurt. So where did it start? Now she was living her last days, and she realized how truly emotionally stunted she was. Spike had given her reason to doubt. What Marilyn had told her in her dream he’d proven it to be true; men couldn’t be trusted. She’d never forgiven him; in fact, she didn’t think she could. She had given him her heart, and he had trampled it. Even now that he was here, even after all the changes she’d seen in him, she still couldn’t put the past behind her. She had to protect herself didn’t she? The last thing she wanted was to be hurt again, especially now that she had so little time left. She put her head in her hands; all this self-analyzing was giving her a headache.

She heard the screen door slam shut and looked up to see him walking toward her with a steaming mug in his hand.

“Brought you some tea, figured it would help you get back to sleep.”

“Thanks,” she told him.

He handed her the cup and stood there awkwardly, not knowing whether to sit next to her, or go back inside. She seemed to want to be alone, but he didn’t think that leaving her to her own thoughts was a good idea. Finally, he sat down, thinking that if she didn’t want him there she’d tell him. She never had a problem telling him to go away. They sat there in silence for what seemed an eternity until finally he said,

“Buffy –“

“Don’t.” she told him “Not now. Let’s just go back inside and get some sleep. I’m tired now.”

He nodded and helped her up. They went inside and up the stairs.

“Good night, Buffy,” he told her when she was at her bedroom door.

“Good night, William,” she answered walking in and shutting the door behind her.

William let out a big sigh and let himself into the room. Baby steps he told himself baby steps.

*******************************************************

Xander and Anya’s

Xander sat up on his bed suddenly awake.

“What?” Anya asked. “What is it?” She was slightly annoyed to be woken from her sleep.

“Camden!” he yelled. “That’s where she went with her mother on vacation. Camden, Maine! That must be where she is.”

Chapter 12

“Xander Harris, it is 4:30 in the morning! You need to sit down and get some sleep; we can talk about this later, like when the sun comes up.”

Xander was running around the bedroom taking clothes out of his dresser and throwing them on the bed.

“Where did you put my duffel bag? Remember, I bought it for the gym, but you put it away before I could use it?”

“I put it away because you never started going to the gym, and I waited a month after you signed up before putting it in storage,” she told him trying to rein in her frustration.

“ We can’t just get up and go to Maine, Xander. That’s a long trip, and we need to plan for it.”

“If we leave by 5:30 and drive there only stopping to sleep, we could make it in two, three days tops!”

He was so excited to have figured out where Buffy was that he wasn’t making any sense.

Anya finally got tired of watching him run around grabbing this and that she took his hand and said,

“Why is it so important that you see her right away? Why can’t it wait? You’ve gone almost three months without seeing her. What’s another week or so?”

“Week! Anya, are you crazy?” He looked at her, his dark brown eyes wide with astonishment. “We can’t wait a week. We need to go now, and see what’s wrong.”

“William’s there. He knows what’s wrong, Buffy’s a big girl, and she can take care of herself.” Anya made a huffing noise, trying to hold on to her temper.

“You don’t understand,” he said, a hint of desperation in his voice.

“That’s right Xander. I don’t understand! Why this girl is so important to you. Why you drop everything and go running every time she gets herself into trouble.”

“Anya.” Xander tried to take her into his arms, but she slipped from his grasp.

“No! Xander, I’m sick of it. I’m tired of always coming in second. When we first started dating, all I heard from you was Buffy this and Buffy that and Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! I thought it would go away after a while, but it never did. What does she have that I don’t? She doesn’t love you. You don’t even register on her map.” She was screaming now, letting go of the years of pent up anger toward his obsession with Buffy.

Xander looked at her, slightly hurt by her comment but also shocked at her outburst. In all the time they’d been together he never realized she’d been jealous.

“Ahn,” he said sitting down on the bed and pulling her down to sit next to him. “Buffy doesn’t have anything on you.”

“You’re in love with her,” she said softly, her head down, to keep him from seeing the tears that were threatening to spill.

“What?! What makes you think that?” he asked, completely surprised by her remark.

“William. He told me once that you were in love with her, and she could never do any wrong in your eyes.”

He’d have to have a talk with Will the next time he saw him. Xander thought to himself.

“In high school, yes, I did have a crush on her, but that went away as soon as I realized she only saw me as a brother, and then after, I met you. That was it. You’re the only one for me," he explained.

“Really?” she asked

“Yes, really, Anya, I love you. I love Buffy too. I love her like a sister, and I want to protect her from getting hurt. I can’t shake the feeling that she’s hurt, and I need to see for myself that she’s okay. I can’t just take William’s word for it.”

Maybe he was right, and it was just a protective older brother thing he had for Buffy. She felt the same way about William. She really hated that Buffy was messing so badly with him, and she wanted to keep him from getting hurt. Maybe, she could do that better if she was closer to him.

“I think I know what you mean. Maybe we can go today. Let’s just slow down a little. How about we have some breakfast and plan out a trip?”

“Really?” he asked
.
“Sure, we’ve never been away together. This could be a romantic little vacation for us.”

Xander hugged his girlfriend and kissed her heatedly.

“You are a wonderful woman. I love you.”

She smiled at him and got off the bed pulling him up with her.

“Yes, I am. Now, let’s go see what we can make for breakfast.”

He followed her to the kitchen, smiling the whole way there.

**********************************************************

Buffy looked at herself in the mirror and hated what she saw. She had dark circles under her eyes. Her cheeks were sallow and her hair; the worst of it was her hair. It was so thin, and she could see bald spots here and there. She ran her hands through it only to come up with strands in her hands. She felt hopeless. Looking down at the sink she saw an electric razor that must belong to William. He must have set it up sometime yesterday. Must be for his head, she thought thinking of his short brown fuzzy hair. She looked at her reflection in the mirror again then back at the razor. Letting out a breath, she opened a drawer and looked at the two scarves she had bought a few weeks back specifically for when this day came.

“Okay,” she said to herself. “Here goes. Once you do this, you will officially be a cancer patient.”

Shutting the scarf drawer and opening the one above it, she picked up the pink scissors sitting amongst her unused hair products, then put them down again. Buffy looked herself in the mirror, “Be brave,” she told her reflection. Not stopping to rethink her decision, she picked up the scissors and with them in hand began cutting long strands of hair. Not stopping to think about what she was doing, her face was one of concentration, furrowed brows and pursed lips.

Once she was done with the scissors she took William’s razor, turned it on and began running it over her head. Her tears began running down her face as she watched the few pieces of blonde hair she had left fall to the ground. By the time she was done she was full out sobbing. She looked at the finished result in the mirror and laughed. All she had left on her head was brown fuzz, much like William’s hair looked.

William heard her crying and laughing and sounding a bit maniacal and became worried. He swiftly strode out of his room, forgetting to put on his shirt in his haste and came to a dead stop when his eyes fell on the image before him, her looking at her reflection in the mirror and running her hands over her now bald head. Her hair was gone. He made his way into the bathroom and stood behind her. Seeing the similarities between them made her start crying all the more, and he took her by the arms, turned her to face him, and pulled her into his embrace.

“Sh, s’okay,” he soothed. “Looks better this way.” He rubbed her back in circles to make her feel better like he had when she’d been sick.

Buffy gave in to his embrace and wrapped her arms around him. Placing her head on his chest. She realized he didn’t have a shirt on and pulled back. At his questioning look she said,

“Thank you, I’m okay. It was just a bit of a shock.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, it was a spur of the moment thing, and I should have prepared myself. It was stupid. Do you really think I look better?” she asked, looking hopeful.

He smiled at her sudden interest in her looks.

“Of course. Healthier, even,” he said, wiping away the tears on her face.

Seeing the open drawer with scarves in it he grabbed one and said, “Here, turn around.”

She did as she was told and watched him in the mirror as he wrapped a pink and purple scarf around her head tying it tightly around the back.

“There, now you’re both beautiful and fashionable,” He told her.

She faced him and smiled. “Thanks.”

For a minute she stood staring at his chest. He must still work out, and she was really enjoying the results of his hard work.

“Enjoying the view?” he asked her.

“What? No!" She answered, her face turning red. “You’re a pig, William.”

“Oink, Oink, baby,” he answered, a smirk on his face.
Buffy smiled, remembering the many times he’d answered her accusation the same way.

“I’m going to go get dressed. You go ahead and use the bathroom.”

“You sure?” he asked.

“Yeah, there’s only so much of my reflection I can take,” she said, walking out of the room.

“Buffy?”

“Huh?” she asked stopping to look at him.

“Was thinking maybe we’d go out an’ do something today. Relax a little. You had a rough time of it yesterday.”

“I can’t today. I have an appointment with a counselor at the hospital,” she said, a little disappointed to decline his offer.

“You have to go back to Rockport again? We were just there,” he said, running a hand through his hair, the worry in his voice was almost palpable.

“I know. I wanted to make both the chemo and counseling appointment on the same day, but the counselor wasn’t available until today,” Buffy heard the tone in his voice and found herself putting her hand on his forearm awkwardly.

“Oh, I see. Do you need a ride?” he asked, looking down at the touch, but she quickly pulled her hand away as though she’d been shocked.

“No. I can drive myself. This won’t be as hard as yesterday. Not, physically anyway,” she said with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

“I know.” He told her. “I just meant for emotional support.”

“I’m good, William. I can do this. I’ll be fine. Now, please shower—you kinda smell.”

“What!” he said, lifting his arm and smelling under it.

She just laughed. “I’m kidding. You’re such a dumbass.”

“Takes one to know one luv,” he joked.

She left the bathroom laughing, a sound that made him happy. That’s it mate. Keep up her spirits. Give her some hope. He thought and found himself smiling too.

Buffy walked into her room and saw that the time on the clock read ten a. m. How had she let herself sleep in so late? She grabbed some jeans, a t-shirt, and boots then quickly got dressed and ran downstairs into the kitchen to grab a quick bite. As she was eating her yogurt, she wondered if she should leave William a note. He wasn’t out of the bathroom yet, but it’s not like he didn’t know where she was going. She finally grabbed a piece of scrap paper and a pen from one of the drawers and wrote:

Will,
Went to my appointment. Won’t be back until about dinner time. Make yourself at home.
Buffy

She remembered that she was supposed to tell him to leave today, but that would have to wait until later. Right now, she had an appointment to get to. She grabbed her car keys and walked out the front door.

Spike walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later. He was only wearing a towel, so he rushed over to his bedroom not wanting to bump into Buffy again. Although he would have loved to see her face turn red at the sight of him. He didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable in her own home. Once in, he hurriedly dressed hoping to see her before she left. He ran down the stairs and not seeing her in the living room walked into the kitchen. No sign of her here, she must have left. He thought, feeling a bit disappointed. Guess I’ll make myself some breakfast. Hope she ate something before she left. He walked over to the refrigerator and saw her note and regained his confidence in winning her back. If she’d thought enough to leave him a note, it meant he must have been making some progress in breaking down her walls. Suddenly, he didn’t feel very hungry and decided to go watch some telly instead. He walked over to the living room, plopped himself on the couch and grabbed the remote but suddenly had a very pleasant thought. It had felt good to have her hug him like she had in the bathroom earlier and thoughts of how good she felt against his bare chest brought about more thoughts of their past intimacies. He remembered that night they’d spent at the beach on their one year anniversary, one of the best nights of their relationship as he recalled.

He’d booked them a hotel by the beach and taken her to the beach in the evening. He set up a bonfire and blanket for them along with a nice dinner basket with a bottle of champagne.
She looked so beautiful wearing a short cream colored dress. The dress showed a lot of skin, and he loved it. Her tan arms and legs were bare, and he made sure to take it all in as he looked at her from head to toe.

“Stop,” she said. “You’re making me feel self-conscious.”

He couldn’t help himself. She’d left her hair loose and wavy, and the combination of her dress, her long blond locks blowing in the breeze, and the way her skin seemed to reflect the moonlight was making him hard. A year later, he still couldn’t understand how this woman had come into his life and stayed. He wasn’t much of anything, a construction worker with no education and no family to speak of. His father was an arse, who he hadn’t heard from since his marriage to the 25-year-old bint he’d picked up at a strip joint. How Buffy managed to see past all of that and still want to be with him, live with him no less, was a constant wonder to him. He was in complete awe of her and so full of emotion that he had to let her know what she meant to him,

“I love you Buffy,” he said.

“Spike,” she’d said unable to return his words.

He placed his hand on her cheek and tilted his head to the side,

“You changed my life. I can’t imagine it without you. Buffy you are my heart.”

She kissed him, and he knew it was because she had trouble saying the words but it was okay with him, he knew she loved him, even if she was too guarded to tell him. Their kiss became more intense, deeper, and more meaningful. He put his hands everywhere on her wanting to feel the softness of her body, her warmth on him. She allowed him to lay her back on the blanket and place small kisses on her face and her neck.

“Love you Buffy,” he whispered, “So much. Love all of you—you’re so kind, so strong.”

A moan escaped her, and he became even more aroused. He felt her begin to rub her crotch against his, enjoying the friction it caused. He let out a moan. He was enjoying it too. She began unbuttoning his jeans as he began removing her dress. He leaned away from her and took in her beauty, lying on the blanket, hair spread out; taking deep breaths, he pushed her bra aside and took one of her breasts into his mouth.

“Spike,” she moaned putting her hands in his hair and involuntarily arching her body toward him.

He let his other hand caress her thigh, coming close to her center but not touching just feeling her soft skin.

“Please,” she begged, “more.”

“Not yet, kitten, want to savor you, worship you the way you deserve.”

His words elicited another moan from her,and he felt her little hand grab him and begin stroking. He gently removed her hand and ignored her whimper.

“Want to make you come for me first,” he whispered in her ear.

As he said the words he plunged two fingers into her dripping core, pushing them into the spot he knew would send her over the edge. Her breathing became hitched, and she tried to speak to him, but all that came were incoherent sounds.

“Shh, kitten you let Spike worry about the words, just enjoy this.”

She nodded her head and forced herself to lie back. He took the opportunity to slowly kiss his way down her stomach and her thighs, gently removing his fingers from inside her and replacing them with his tongue.

“Oh God!” she yelled.

He felt her breathing coming faster and faster, knowing that she was close, he placed his fingers back inside her heat and twisted, knowing that this would send her over the edge.

“Spiiiiike.”

Her entire body arched, and he knew from the look on her face that she was seeing stars. Slowly, she came back down her breathing slower but labored. She looked at him still between her legs and pulled him up to her by his hair.

“That was incredible,” she told him and kissed him, tasting her own juices from his mouth.

“You’re incredible.” He twirled a strand of her hair in his hand then buried his face in her neck.

“Hold me. I want to feel you close.” She asked him.

He lay down on the blanket next to her and allowed her to place her head on his arm.

“Listen to the waves, and look at the stars. This night is perfect Spike. Thank you.” She squeezed his waist and lovingly kissed his chest.

“Thank you for loving me Buffy,” he responded as tears slid from his eyes. He hoped she couldn’t hear them in his voice.

Spike reluctantly came back to reality, not wanting to let go of the feelings he had felt that night. That’s when he had truly known there would no one for him but her. Now he just sat there on his couch feeling incredibly frustrated with himself for the way he had made things turn out for them.

“Can’t just sit here feeling sorry for myself all day,” he said aloud. “Better go for a walk and get to know my way around town.”

Standing up he noticed the bulge in his pants. Can’t very well walk around like this. He thought, better take a shower and take care of it.

Chapter 13

Buffy walked up to the receptionist’s desk in the counseling offices at Pen Bay Medical Center, giving the woman her name and information.

“Miss Summers, yes, you will be meeting with Dr. Maclay today. She will be out shortly,” said a portly woman with overly teased curled bleached blonde hair that was pulled into a horrible attempt at a bouffant.

Buffy sniggered and got a glare for doing so, but she couldn’t help it, she was reacting to the woman’s inadvertent rhyme, and her nerves were a bit on high alert. Looking down in shame, she walked over to a chair and sat down, taking in the sterile environment of the office. Its walls were white, and the fluorescent lighting made the room very uninviting. Looking around, she noticed she was not the only patient waiting. Across from her sat a woman reading a magazine. The woman’s age was indeterminable, but she looked anorexic. Her cheekbones jutted from her face as well as her clavicle jutted from her chest. The woman wasn’t anorexic; Buffy knew because this office was for cancer patients. Said woman was also wearing a headscarf, and in that instant Buffy knew the picture this woman created would be her in a few months. Shaking off the shiver that ran up her spine, Buffy decided to go through the magazine selection provided to the patients in order to not have to look at the poor woman any longer. She got up to grab an interesting looking “People” magazine when she heard her name called. Looking up, she saw a blonde woman smiling at her.

“Are you Buffy Summers?” The woman took her hand and gently squeezed it in greeting.

Buffy nodded.

“I’m Tara Maclay, follow me and I’ll show you to my office.”

Dr. Maclay had long blonde hair; Buffy looked at it and self-consciously touched her head, feeling only the scarf William had tied there earlier. She watched the young woman who couldn’t have been much older than her walk ahead taking in her long flowing lavender skirt trimmed in gold embroidery. She had on a brown sweater, but Buffy had noticed a brown and blue tie-die v neck shirt under it when she had asked her to come in. Dr. Maclay was also wearing a long beaded necklace, which she had wrapped twice around her neck. Kind of a hippie. This might be of the good. She thought. Maybe she’ll prescribe something to take the edge off, preferably something smokeable. Buffy laughed out loud at the thought of getting high. Yeah, right, like that would work. If Buffy and alcohol are unmixy, then Buffy and drugs had to be worse.

“Are you okay?” Dr. Maclay asked her while giving her a funny look.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just remembering something.”

The doctor nodded and continued walking.

“This is me,” she said walking up to a door and holding out her arm. “Please come in, take a seat, and make yourself comfortable.”

Buffy walked in and sat on the cushy couch. She took in her surroundings as Dr. Maclay sat in a comfortable looking worn club chair that fit her “earthy” look perfectly. The room smelled of lavender, and she saw there were some lit candles. Definite hippie. She told herself. The walls were a calming green color, not too dark but not too light. She felt herself relaxing in the calming ambiance.

“How are you doing today Miss Summers?” the woman asked, smiling welcomingly.

Dr. Maclay had a very kind face, and her blue eyes shone with gentleness and sincerity. She gave Buffy a feeling of kinship and, she felt she could speak to her without judgment.

“Please, call me Buffy. I’m doing okay today.”

“Well, Buffy, then I must insist that you call me Tara. Would you like some tea or water?”

“I’m okay for now, thanks.”

“I’m going to ask you some questions, so I can get to know a little bit about you, and then we can go from there. Does that sound good to you?”

Buffy nodded.

“Buffy, when was it that you were diagnosed with breast cancer?”

“About three months ago.” Buffy picked at the invisible lint on her jeans.

“And it’s stage three? Am I correct?”

“Yes, stage three.” Buffy made eye contact with her as she gave this answer. She wanted the doctor to know she had no illusions of her prognosis.

These were very technical questions, which allowed Buffy to relax a little more; she had not been looking forward to discussing her emotions with a stranger.

“I can see you’ve already started chemotherapy. Do you have anyone to help you after a session?” Tara crossed her legs and placing her notepad on her knee.

Buffy became uncomfortable with the question and felt her body tense up. How would she explain William?

“Umm, yes. I have a friend who just recently came to stay.” She silently willed Tara to drop the topic.

“That’s good,” Tara said, smiling. “You need all of the support you can get and having someone with you may help you to stay positive.”

Buffy only smiled. If this woman only knew how complicated things between her and her friend really were.

“What do you do for a living, Buffy? How do you spend your time when you aren’t receiving chemotherapy?”

“Mostly read and sleep. I didn’t realize how tired cancer makes you,” she said this with a sarcastic laugh, as if she’d chosen to have cancer. “I’m unemployed. My uh, father, he left me some money,” She tried to control the anger in her voice as she completed the last part, but her hands automatically turned into fists at the mere mention of the man.

“So he’s deceased?” Tara asked, not missing the bitterness not only in Buffy’s voice but also her body language.

“Huh?”

“You’re father? He passed on?” she asked again.

“No.” Buffy looked at her questioningly.

He’d certainly passed on from her life but not from being alive. Hank had decided to make up for his years of negligence when her mother had died. He’d set up a bank account in Buffy’s name where he deposited a substantial amount of money on a weekly basis. It was his way of trying to erase the guilt of leaving his family financially uncared for while he went and traipsed around Europe with his new wife (the secretary) and kid. There was no denying Hank was a world-class asshole, but who was she to deny his money? As his daughter, she was owed the years of child support he had never given her mother.

“I see you’ve gotten rid of your hair. What made you decide to do that?” It seemed as though Dr. Maclay was not going to go easy on her, even if this was her first session.

Buffy laughed bitterly. “I don’t know, maybe the cancer.”
Tara took a deep breath realizing her mistake.

“I’m sorry, Buffy. I didn’t mean to sound insensitive. What I meant to ask was what made you finally get rid of it? A lot of my patients find that to be one of the hardest steps in accepting they are ill.”

“It was a spur of the moment thing,” Buffy toyed with the loose end of her scarf. “It was actually this morning. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I didn’t like what I saw, so I decided to get rid of it. I thought my hair was what was making me look worse than I actually did, but I guess I was wrong. I still look like a cancer patient.”

“I think you look quite pretty,” Tara said honestly.

“Why Dr. Maclay are you hitting on me?” Buffy asked jokingly.

Just then she noticed a picture of Tara and a red headed woman kissing on the lips hanging on the wall.

“Oh my god! I am so sorry. I didn’t know,” she said, realizing her faux pas and slapping her hand over her mouth to keep anything else that may have been inappropriate from coming out.

“It’s okay,” Tara said, laughing at Buffy’s reaction. “It seems we both have foot-in-mouth syndrome today.”

Buffy noticed the other person in the picture and uncovered her mouth to say,

“Hey! Is that Willow Rosenberg with you?”

“Yes, that’s my partner Willow. Do you know her?”

“I went to high school with her, but back then she wasn’t of your um, persuasion?” She didn’t feel quite comfortable calling her a lesbian.

“She had a boyfriend, but I didn’t know her that well. Then after we graduated we all suspected… but no one knew for sure.”

Tara laughed inwardly at her patient’s clumsiness around the subject but chose to ignore it. She wasn’t speaking like that to be insensitive, and she was just not used to the subject of homosexuality.

“That’s quite the coincidence. You must be from Sunnydale, California then. What brought you all the way out here?”

Stumped by the question Buffy panicked as she tried to think of a better reason than the truth, needing a place to hide. She didn’t want to look her in the eye, she knew she was a bad liar, and Tara would have picked up on it right away. She shrugged her shoulders and said,

“I’ve been here once before, and loved it, so I thought it would be perfect, somewhere peaceful where I could get away from everything and just relax.”

“I see.”

Tara didn’t believe her; she had noticed how Buffy hadn’t made eye contact and the way she had panicked and shot out a hurried answer. This was something she would have to delve into further.

“Well, Buffy, it looks like our time is up. What do you say we pick this up same time next week?”

“Next week?” She had thought this would be a once a month thing if that.

“Yes. I think it would be best for us to meet once a week. It will help with your outlook on your situation. If I find that you are doing well, I will meet with you less often.”

“Okay.”

“It was great meeting you, Buffy.” Tara said, holding out her hand and smiling.

“You too, Tara,” Buffy answered shaking her hand. “Oh and tell Willow I said hello.”

“I would love to but unfortunately due to patient-doctor confidentiality, I’m not able to do that.” Tara said.

“Oh, well okay. Guess I’ll see you next week then.”

Tara watched Buffy walk out the door and began jotting notes in her notebook. This one would be a tough nut to crack. She could see how protective she was of her life from the way she guarded her answers. She seemed like a nice girl, just very well armed, and she couldn’t help but wonder what had caused her to put on the armor in the first place. She could tell that she would have to work extra hard to find out.

**********************************************************

On her drive home, Buffy realized she wasn’t ready to go sit on her couch and think about how sad her life was. She decided to go to Camden Harbor Park instead and take a short walk around. She parked her little red VW Cabriole along the side of the road and went off for her walk making sure the car was locked. She walked through the amphitheater taking in its stone steps and the beautiful library building ahead of it. She could definitely see why people chose to have their wedding ceremonies celebrated there. She noticed that the harbor wasn’t that far beyond the amphitheater and found herself walking toward it enjoying the cool breeze against her face.

Looking for a place to sit she saw a man wearing a black leather coat sitting on a bench facing the water lost in thought. Recognizing his profile she thought. What are the odds? Taking a seat next to him she said,

“Fancy meeting you here.”

Surprised that a stranger would talk to him like that he looked at her and smiled in recognition.

“Fancy that,” he said.

She smiled back at him then looked ahead at the dock taking in the beautiful ships and their sails along with the way the sun was starting to set over the ocean perfectly casting a beautiful light.

“Amazing isn’t it?” she asked. “I don’t know why, but I’m always drawn to the sea, maybe it’s the California girl in me.”

“Must be it,” he answered.

“Hey, what’s with the short answers?” she asked him. “Is something the matter?”

“Dunno. No, nothing’s wrong, just taking in the view.”

She nodded her understanding and went back to looking at the boats. This really was a peaceful spot with the seagulls making noise and all of the hub bub happening on the dock. They both continued to silently watch the waves rock the ships up and down when suddenly she felt his hand take hers. She looked at him, opened her mouth to say something when he spoke,

“How was your appointment?”

Deciding that she liked the warmth of his hand on hers she said,

“It was good.”

He nodded but didn’t say anything. She felt awkward and didn’t know what to do. Should she move her hand away or leave it as it was? She liked the feeling, so she decided to leave it and turned her palm up to entwine her fingers with his. He tried to hide the feeling of satisfaction brought about by her small gesture and continued looking forward.

“Hey you know what’s funny?” she asked, feeling nervous at their closeness, “Tara, my shrink, is dating Willow Rosenberg.”

“Who’s she?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s right. You wouldn’t know her. Wait, yes, you do. Remember, the redhead Xander was hitting on that time? The one I said I thought was gay?”

“Think so,” he said searching his memory for the girl.
“Well, I guess she is cause she’s living here and dating Tara. What are the odds?”

“Not many,” he answered.

Buffy frowned at his lack of interest and felt a shiver run through her body. It was getting cooler as the sun was coming down.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Guess I should have worn a jacket.” She shivered.
“Here,” he said standing up and taking off his jacket.

“No, Will, I’m fine. You don’t have to.”

He’d already placed it around her shoulders and was now leaning over her, eyes fixed on her mouth.

“Will—“she started to say.

Suddenly his lips were on hers, and she found herself responding, opening her mouth to let his tongue in. Just when she placed her hand on the back of his neck, searching for the curls she had always played with when they’d kissed in the past and remembered that they were no longer there, he pulled away.

“What? “ she asked, feeling a little disoriented by the sudden cold she felt on her face. She felt as though she had just been splashed with cold water.

“‘M sorry luv,” he apologized. “Didn’t mean that. Got a little overtaken by the feel of this place you know?”

She was shocked that he’d been the one to pull away. It should have been her. What had she been thinking letting him hold her hand in the first place? That’s what had led to this. Standing up from the bench she said,

“Um, you know what, William? I should be heading home. It’s almost dinner time, and I wanted to take care of a few things while I have the energy.”

“Buffy, wait,” he called as she started to walk away.

“I’ll see you at home. Bye,” She called out as she sped up trying not to make it obvious that she was trying to run away.

“Bloody buggering fuck!” he yelled to the shock of passersby, particularly one small child holding his mother’s hand.

The woman gave William a disapproving look, but he ignored her. Why’d I have to go an’ do that? He asked himself. Now I’ve gone and really cocked things up. There was a plan. He had carefully laid out a plan, but as usual he’d been too impatient to follow it through. Her lips had looked so delectable so glossy and plump…

“Bugger!” he yelled again when he felt himself getting hard.

Gonna need to get a hobby. He told himself. Nothing to do now but sit ‘ere and wait this one out.

Chapter 14

Buffy paced back and forth in her living room running what had just happened between she and William in the park over and over in her head. Bad Buffy. She told herself. She would have to ask him to leave as soon as he came home. She was just starting to formulate a plan when the phone rang.

“Hello?”

**********************************************************

William pulled into the driveway and put his old, battered but much loved black Desoto into park. He made no move to get out, leaving his hands on the large steering wheel instead. He knew what awaited him inside. She would have shut down by now and would be telling him to leave, or she would ignore him altogether. He put his head on the steering wheel and shut his eyes. What was he going to do?

Looking to get some advice from an old friend, William pulled his cell phone out and dialed Xander’s number.

“Hello?” Xander sounded out of breath.

“Xander, hey its Will.”

“William!” Xander said unusually loud, “What’s up? How are things?”

“You okay, mate?” William pulled the phone away from his ear and lifted his eyebrow in a questioning manner as if Xander were able to see him.

“What? Me? Sure, sure, I’m fine. Same as always. Just sitting here at home in Sunnydale watching TV, having a beer…” Xander said while frantically looking for Anya as he speed walked up the street from where they had parked their car.

She had convinced him to take a break from their long drive after whining at him that she needed to use the bathroom for the better part of the last hour. They were driving through farm country on their way to Maine when he decided to stop. Anya had said she would only be a few minutes, but now he’d lost her. He wiped at his forehead with a napkin; he was not used to this kind of heat. Sure he was from California, but he rarely went outside, not even when he was working at a construction site. He usually stayed in the office as much as possible.

“Okay,” William thought Xander couldn’t have sounded stranger.

“Listen, the reason I’m calling is because I think I messed up.”

“Xander! Xander come look,” He heard Anya calling in the background.

“Hold on a sec, buddy,” Xander told William. “I’m on the phone!” He covered the speaker with his hand and narrowed his eyes at Anya.

Anya was walking speedily toward Xander, a smile on her face not paying him any attention.

“I found the World’s Largest Ball of Twine!” she skipped and waved her arms in the air in excitement.

“What?” William was still able to hear Anya’s muffled voice in spite of Xander’s attempts to cover it up.

“Wine,” Xander told him while placing a finger over his mouth so Anya would quiet down, “She found a big box of wine.”

“Yeah, okay.” William did not believe his friend for a second. “Look, can see you’re busy right now. I’ll just call you later.”

“Later, yeah, that’ll be good. Say hi to Buffy for me.”

“Bye, Xand you say bye to Anya for me.”

Xander shut his cell phone and glared at Anya, who had finally caught up to him.

“You almost blew our cover!” He put his hands on his hips, and gave her his “angry” look.

“What are you talking about?” she asked, eyebrows raised, clearly confused at her boyfriends antics.

“That was William on the phone. He heard you screaming about twine. We can’t risk them knowing we’re driving over to them. Buffy’ll panic and run.”

“Oh, please, Xander, do you realize how far away I was? He won’t have a clue, now come on! Grab your camera. We need to take a picture with the twine!” she ran ahead of him in her excitement.

Xander rolled his eyes but checked his pocket to make sure his camera was in it, then checked his other pocket to make sure the box he’d been carrying since Sunnydale was also safe. He smiled thinking of how he’d successfully snuck out and gone to the jewelry store to buy it, and how happy she’d be when he finally popped the question. He was just waiting for the perfect opportunity to present itself. For now he would just follow her toward the big ball of twine, hell at this point he was in so deep he’d follow that woman anywhere.

******************************************************

William hung up the phone thinking about how odd the conversation had been, even for Xander. Taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, he stepped out of the car and walked up the white pebbled pathway that led to the front door. He took a moment, looking at the green door and the white flowered wreath that hung on it.

“Here goes nothing.” he said aloud and opened the door walking tentatively into the living room.

What he saw was not what he had expected. Buffy sat quietly on her dark brown couch, hands folded neatly on her lap staring off into space looking forlorn. She seemed lost in thought, and it looked as though the couches’ overly fluffy cushions were swallowing up her small frame.

“Buffy?” he walked toward her, his eyebrows creased with worry, “What’s wrong lamb?”

Kneeling in front of her, he took her hands in his. She looked up at him, hazel eyes wide, startled as if just now noticing his presence.

“Just thinking about my mom,” she told him, a bitter sweet smile forming on her quivering lips.

Spike stood from the floor and took a seat next to her keeping hold of one of her hands.

“Wonderful woman, Joyce,” he said.

“She was.” Buffy wiped at a stray tear before it ran down her cheek, “She always knew what to do no matter how hard things got.”

William noticed her eyes getting watery, tilting his head to the side he asked,

“What is it sweetheart? What’s wrong?”

“You always have pet names for me.” She placed her other hand over their intertwined ones, “I used to think it was so sweet.”

“And now?” his blue eyes gleamed with hope.

“Now I’m just confused.” She told him, “It’s been so long and I’ve tried so hard to move on,”

“Have you?” he asked, his eyes darkening and his shoulders tensing up, “Moved on?”

“William I’m dying. What do you want from me? All I could give you is a few months, a year if that.” The tears were now falling in earnest, but she maintained a controlled look on her face, determined not to let her emotions take over.

“You are not dying, an’ even if you were, I’d happily take a year. I love you, you don’t seem to understand that, but I do an’ I’m going to show you, going to prove it to you.” His determination was evident in the way he placed his hand on her cheek and leaned toward her, his eyes firmly set on hers.

“You’re the one who doesn’t want to listen! I am dying! I have cancer and I’m going to die just like my mother did and I’m not planning on taking anyone down with me, not this time.” She told him, freeing her hand from his hold and, slapping his other hand away from her face.

“What do you mean, not this time? What are you talking about Buffy?” he asked, the worry lines on his face becoming more prominent with each bit of information she gave him.

“I just got a phone call,” she went on, ignoring him “It was my doctor; he said that I have to start going to chemo more often. He wants me to go see him next week and then get chemo afterwards. What do you think that means William? It’s not working! They’re upping my dose because what I’ve been doing isn’t working.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re dying. It just means they have to work a little harder to get rid of it, that’s all. You’ll see this will get rid of the cancer once and for all.”

There was so much emotion written on his face so much worry in his eyes, but she was determined to go on.

“William,” her shoulders were slightly slouched, her entire demeanor begging him to understand.

“Listen, I’m right here with you. We’re going to fight this together and you’ll see that we’re going to win.” He took her hand once again and with his other one lifted her chin up to look at him.

He smiled at her, but she knew he was struggling to stay strong for her, she could see his eyes starting to tear up.

“William I was thinking,” she said, moving her face away from his hand.

“That’s never good,” he deadpanned.

“I’m serious, I think you should go home. You need to be in Sunnydale. That’s where your AA group is. That’s where your sponsor lives. Things are going to get intense here and I can’t risk you starting to drink again, not because of me.”

“Not getting rid of me Summers.” He smiled, having known all along that she would do this.

“Will—“ He stopped her.

“Maine has alcoholics too. Stands to reason they’d have AA groups. Don’t worry ‘bout me luv, got it all under control. Won’t screw up this time, promise.”

“But—“

“Shh. Can’t get rid of me that easily. Won’t get complicated ‘tween us. From now on we’re just friends. Nothing more. Now go get ready for dinner, need your strength. We can watch a movie later if you’re up for it.”

“Stubborn ass,” She mumbled to herself as she got up off the couch.

“Heard that!”

“I meant you to!” she turned to look at him and smiled as she walked away.

William smiled. Things had gone better than expected. Sure she’d tried to kick him out again, but this time he won out and if things continued going the way he wanted, he’d be staying here for quite some time.

*********************************************************

As the week went on he noticed that she let down her guard, at least a bit. They would joke around and watch movies together before bed. Every once in a while he found her in a sullen mood, but he quickly lifted her spirits and had her laughing again. She helped him to find an AA group in the area. She even accompanied him to a meeting. She’d sat in the circle and quietly listened without judgment. He had chosen to pass up on speaking, not being ready to divulge his dirty laundry until he felt a bit more comfortable with the group. The most shocking of all the changes was that she volunteered to help him move the living room around so that it would be more comfortable. She helped him place the TV over the fireplace, and move the couch to a position that allowed whoever sat in it to be able to watch television as well. She of course had to take a thirty minute nap afterward, but she had been happy to feel useful again. He didn’t know the reason for her sudden openness toward him. Perhaps it was the fact that he had offered her his friendship and nothing more. Whatever the reason, he loved the changes.

The night before her doctor’s appointment and chemo session they were both sitting on the couch watching a movie. Her head was on the arm rest and her legs were on his lap. William sat on the opposite side, his feet on the coffee table unconsciously rubbing her foot when he noticed her pull away and sit up to face him. She looked as though she was about to say something then changed her mind.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Nothing.” She placed her legs back on his lap and turned her attention back to the movie.

He shrugged and also went back to the movie.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“You’re welcome.” he answered. “For what?”

“For being here with me. For coming all the way from Sunnydale and putting up with my bitchiness and sticking around to help me.”

William smiled, excited to have broken down part of her wall. He knew how hard it was for her to thank him.

“Believe I told you I’d be here for you. We’re in this together.”

She smiled and to his utter surprise she turned herself around on the couch so her head was on his lap. Then she took his hand in hers and began fidgeting with one of his two silver rings.

“Do you not want to watch the movie pet?”

She shook her head and continued playing with his jewelry.

“You can keep watching if you want,” she told him “I don’t mind.”

“S’okay, not really interested in it.”

After a few minutes of silence he took the loose piece of her scarf and said,

“Don’t have to wear this all the time, look fine without it.”

“I feel more comfortable with it on.” She told him her hands automatically reaching to touch her head.

“I ordered a wig.”

“Wa’s that?” He tried to hide his surprise by pretending to watch the movie.

“Online, I ordered a wig.”

“That’s good. Don’t think you need it, but if it will help you feel good, I’m glad you got it.”

She smiled, satisfied with his answer. She’d been worried that he would disapprove. Why do I care what he thinks? She wondered. She just wanted to feel like her old self again and having hair, even if it was fake, would help give her the confidence she needed.

“I think you’re beautiful either way.” He looked down at her on his lap and tenderly placed his hand on her head.

“Thank you Will.”

Starting to feel aroused by her closeness and the way she was toying with his fingers, William made to get up from the couch before she could feel just how turned on she was making him.

“Well luv, time for me to turn in. Feeling a bit knackered.” he raised his arms up and faked a yawn for effect.

Buffy sat up on the couch and pouted jutting out her lower lip.

“Christ” William mumbled and stood up.

“G’night then,” He told her.

She stood up, stepped toward him, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Good night Will. Don’t forget we have to leave by 9:30 tomorrow morning.”

“Won’t forget, luv.” Taking her hand in his he said, “Don’t worry. Everything will turn out fine. An’ don’t stay up too late.”

“Yes, Dad,” She answered rolling her eyes and taking a seat back on the couch.

Oh the things this woman did to him. It was taking all of his strength not to take her in his arms and kiss her until she remembered how incredible things could be between them. For now, he would go up to his room and have a good wank.

Chapter 15


William awoke the next morning to the high pitched beeping of his alarm clock. Covering his head with his pillow to drown out its incessant wailing, he blindly searched for the snooze button.

“Argh! Bloody fucking technology!”

He’d done a lot of tossing and turning last night unable to stop worrying about Buffy and what the doctor’s news would be today. Now, he looked at the offending alarm clock and, saw that it was already eight forty-five.

“Bollocks!”

He rolled out of bed and placed his hand on the night table for balance, lacking the coordination to stand on his own. He rubbed his eyes and, tried to make them focus. The lack of sleep was really doing a number on him. As he hurriedly made his way to the bathroom, William took a quick glance at Buffy’s room and paused, trying to decide if he should check on her to see if she was up yet. He turned to her room and upon opening the door, saw her standing in front of her closet wearing skimpy light pink lace boy shorts that barely covered her delectable little ass and a matching camisole. He noticed that her body was much different now than the last time he had seen her wear so little. She was now much paler and thinner. Her thighs weren’t as full as they had once been, and the swell of her breasts had been reduced to almost nothing, at least what he could see from where he stood. The changes didn’t matter. Buffy still turned him on, and that fact was starting to become evident from the swelling he was beginning to feel in his boxer shorts. Realizing that he had yet to put clothes on and he was wearing very little, William decided to quietly turn around and make a quick exit before he was noticed.

“William! What are you doing here?” she squealed.

Buffy turned toward him and gave a little hop that made parts of her jiggle in a very nice way and did not help his current situation. Too late. He thought as he glanced at the door longingly then looked back at her. Buffy was now covering herself with her hands and glaring at him. He noticed her glare turn into a stare. Her eyes suddenly appeared to be filled with desire.

She took in his nicely sculpted chest and silently counted the number of squares displayed there. His skin hadn’t lost its nice tan color despite his time spent indoors with her. Her eyes traveled downward admiring the line of hair trailing from his navel down to his… Oh my, he’s excited too. She noticed and, unconsciously licked her lips.

“Buffy, I’m sorry, didn’t mean to barge in—”

William’s voice interrupted her thoughts making her jump and bringing her back to reality.

“Get out!” she yelled, pointing at the door.

He turned away needing to leave before his arousal got him into more trouble and, mumbled another apology before shutting the door behind him.

Once alone, Buffy sat down on her bed and let out a breath. That man is beautiful. She wondered what was wrong with her. It took everything she had not to jump him just then. A few years ago she would have, but now things were entirely too complicated to add lust into the mix.

“Okay, Buffy, deep breaths.” She closed her eyes and breathed in and out moving her arms up and down in rhythm with her breathing. Who says yoga doesn’t work? Out of nowhere a vision of mostly naked William seeped into her mind making her shoot up from the bed.

“I better take a cold shower.”

She threw her bathrobe on and walked out the door.

**********************************************************

“Will, I need the bathroom!” Buffy knocked incessantly at the door.

“Won’t be but a minute, love.”

He sat on the toilet, seat down, head leaned back resting on the mirror enjoying the feel and rhythm of his hand sliding up and down his cock. Seeing her in that getup and the way she looked as though she wanted to devour him and licking of her sumptuous lips had been his undoing. He rushed into the bathroom, started the shower, and began rhythmically squeezing and pumping himself in excitement.

With his eyes closed he pictured her sitting astride him, bouncing up and down. She was still wearing the little camisole, her lovely nipples hard as pebbles, showing right through the material. He took one into his mouth then the other biting just a bit and making her squeal in delight. She leaned back moaning his name. William put one hand behind her back and, the other on her cheek. She took his thumb in her mouth and sucked, making him crazed. Finally, when he couldn’t take it anymore, he moved his thumb from her mouth to her clit and, began rubbing circles. Buffy’s body tensed, and her hold on his cock tightened as she came for him whispering the words, “I love you.” making him cry out as he followed her with his own orgasm.

“William, you okay?” Buffy knocked on the door when she heard him let out a strangled cry.

William cleaned himself up quickly and, opened the door to see her standing before him, arms crossed and worrying her lower lip.

“All yours pet.” He smiled at her, indulging in the way she ran her eyes up and down his frame then walked away feeling more relaxed than he had in a while.

**********************************************************

William and Buffy rushed into the Doctor’s office just in time for her appointment.

“Miss Summers, glad to see you made it.” The receptionist looked to Buffy then William, giving them a bright smile.

She knew Buffy from various other visits she’d had with the doctor, but she had never seen the gorgeous man standing next to the petite blonde. Slipping into flirt mode, the nurse flipped her curly black hair back, fluttered her long eyelashes repeatedly, and extended her hand to him, switching her smile from bright to blinding.

“Miss Summers, who is this you’ve brought along with you?” Her question was directed at Buffy, but her large brown eyes never lost focus on William.

Buffy rolled her eyes. Some women had no shame.

“This is my friend, William. Will, this is Cecily, the receptionist.”

William took her hand and returned her smile.

“Pleasure to meet you. Tell me, what is a beautiful creature such as you doing working here? Seems to me your beauty can’t be appreciated sitting behind a desk in a little office like this.”

All Cecily could do was melt into a fit of giggles. Buffy felt a bit nauseous looking at the two and was about to say something. Then a nurse holding a notepad popped out of a side door and called her in.

“Okay if I come along, luv?” Spike asked.

“Why would you want to?” She leaned toward his ear and whispered, “Wouldn’t you rather stay here and flirt with the slutty secretary?”

Okay it was childish, she knew it, but she’d never been one to share her things. William was hers, even if only as a friend. Buffy didn’t share friends; Xander and Anya could attest to that.

“Jealous, luv?” He smirked at her.

“What do I have to be jealous of? Ask her out if you want. I don’t care.”

“Only want to go out with one girl. Should know that by now,” he whispered in her ear.

Buffy tried to hide the satisfied smile that came across her face at hearing his comment but was unable to. Instead, she turned toward the nurse, who had called her name and started to follow her in, calling out,

“Well, are you coming?”

Satisfied with her reaction, William proceeded to walk in behind Buffy. He ignored the receptionist, who was left waving after him with a look of longing in her eyes.
The nurse led the pair down a hideous yellow narrow hallway that smelled of fresh paint. There were “Wet Floor” stands along the way with white paper signs reading, “WET PAINT” hung over them. They finally reached an open doorway, and the nurse led them in then muttered a quick, “Here she is doctor,” never stopping to look up from her notes.

The office was large and held a mahogany desk that stood in front of a large window on which sat several piles of neatly stacked papers and a nameplate that read, “Dr. Rupert Giles.”

“Miss Summers, do come in. Please, sit down. ” The man behind the desk smiled and gestured at the two well-worn leather chairs in front of his desk.

His smile made Buffy feel as though he truly cared about her and saw her as more than just a patient.
Dr. Giles had salt and pepper hair, soft blue eyes, and looked to be in his early fifties. He wore silver rimmed glasses and a tweed suit with a light blue shirt. She’d been seeing him since she moved to Maine and was very happy with her choice of doctor.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see that you brought a guest with you today,” he said when he noticed William come in after her.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Rupert Giles.” He stood and extended his hand for William to take.

William took in the doctor’s British accent and though it was a bit more refined than his own, was happy to hear from a fellow native.

“William Rayne,” he said, giving the doctor a firm handshake.

“Ah, a fellow Englishman! Nice to meet you. William, please have a seat. You too, Miss Summers.”

“Giles, cut the formalities already, will you?” Buffy told him while taking a seat. “It’s been three months. I think you can start calling me Buffy now.”

Dr. Giles chuckled at the girl’s remark. There was something about her that had endeared her to him right away. She was spunky and funny, and he could see there was some fight left in her; she simply had to search within herself to find it. That was why he recommended she go see Tara Maclay for counseling. If Tara couldn’t get through to her, no one could. The kind therapist was known for working magic and breaking through to even the toughest of patients.

“Very well then, Buffy,” he relented. “May I ask what brings Mr. Rayne along with you today?”

“William, Sir.”

Buffy couldn’t help but shoot William an odd look. She’d never heard him address someone so courteously before. Well, maybe her mother when he’d first met her.

“I’m a good friend of Buffy’s. We go way back. Don’t we, luv?” he asked, smirking and lifting his left his eyebrow.

His look made Buffy feel a tingle in her lower
extremities, forcing her to shift in her chair. This made William smirk even wider. Down girl! She silently berated herself. The truth was she hadn’t been able to stop having inappropriate thoughts about him ever since he’d walked into her room half naked this morning. Evil, evil man.

“I see,” the doctor said, interrupting the connection between the two “friends.” He removed his glasses and began polishing them with a hankie stored in the pocket of his suit.

“Giles, relax, we’re just friends,” Buffy told him reassuringly, knowing they had made him uncomfortable.
“So,” she continued, “What are we here to discuss? Am I dying sooner than we thought?”

Both men shot her a menacing look.

“What? It was a joke!”

“Buffy, my dear, I daresay that was in poor taste.” Giles looked at her with narrowed eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Buffy looked apologetically to her doctor then down at her hands in shame.

This time it was William’s turn to give her an incredulous look. He’d never seen her back down to anyone so quickly.

“Now, the reason I asked you to come in today is as I told you over the phone last night. The amount of chemotherapy we are giving you right now does not appear to be working. While the good news is, the cancer has not spread. The bad news is, it does not appear to be going away either.”

Buffy’s smile disappeared from her face, and her body slumped in the chair feeling her earlier good mood being sucked away.

“Not going away,” she echoed in an empty voice. Her eyes had gone vacant, and she looked hollow somehow.

William took her hand in his, but it lay there limply, and she didn’t seem to register his action.

“Unfortunately, no.” Giles’ looked at her with compassion, his worry making the wrinkles around his kind eyes more pronounced.

“So what can we do Rupes?” William lost all control over any semblance of respectful behavior he previously displayed. “Can you give her something else? Help her out?"

His grasp on her hand tightened as he kept his eyes on her to make sure she was okay. The news and her response to it had him feeling a bit queasy with worry.

“Yes. Yes of course there are other options we can take. This news is by no means reason to give up. Do you hear me, Buffy?” Giles, who was also very worried about his dear patient, told her reassuringly.

“There are two things we can do,” he continued, “we can increase the amount of chemotherapy you are taking now by having you come in more often as I told you over the phone or the second option, well, that is much more invasive.”

Buffy merely nodded numbly, whereas William leaned forward in his chair and asked,

“Invasive how?”

The slight tremble in his voice, and the way his left knee bounced told Giles exactly how scared this man was for Buffy and convinced him that the two were surely more than just friends.

“The other option…” Giles paused in order to remove his glasses once more, “the other option is for Buffy to have a mastectomy.”

“What! Why?” William asked, feeling that this information had come completely out of left field.

“A mastectomy is when one or both of the patient’s—“

“I know what a mastectomy is,” Buffy interrupted Giles’ explanation, coming out of her previous catatonic state.
“Would you suggest I have a double or a single?” she spoke in a controlled voice, devoid of any emotion.

“In your case Buffy, I would suggest that you have both breasts removed seeing as you have a stage three cancer and that your particular chances of the tumor spreading are high as well are your chances of recurrence due to your family history. It would be best to remove the right breast as a preventative measure. As you already know, the cancer in your left breast is pretty advanced.”

Buffy simply nodded. William sat in his chair in a state of disbelief. He felt as though he were under water, not quite able to understand what the doctor and Buffy were saying.

“Hold on a tic, will you?” he practically yelled once he was able to get a hold of his emotions.

“There’s no need to jump right to surgery is there?”

He turned to Buffy, and saw that she had hardened her eyes, and her face showed complete control. She had no time to let her feelings take over; she was all business.

“Who’s to say a little extra chemo won’t do the trick, luv? Should give that a try first, yeah?”

She knew he was swallowing back tears by the way his Adams apple moved up and down. He was trying to stay strong, but she noticed that his eyes were stormy and almost grey. She knew she had put him in this position of suffering. His pain was her fault.

Making her mind up, she smiled at him and squeezed his hand.

“You’re right, Will. There’s no need to go to extremes.”

She turned to Giles and said,
“So do we start the stronger chemo sessions today?”

William let out a sigh of relief. He knew she couldn’t have been serious about undergoing such a complicated surgery. It made more sense for her to try something like a stronger chemotherapy regimen before taking a leap such as surgery.

After they all discussed what day of the week would be best for Buffy to have her treatments and went over the side effects once more, they stood at the door and said their goodbyes.

“It was good to meet you William,” Giles said, shaking his hand. “I’m happy to see that Buffy has someone to help her. She was having a hard time on her own but as you probably know, was too stubborn to admit it.”

“Hey, I’m right here you know!” Buffy pouted, standing next to William in the doorway.

“I know my dear.” Giles smiled kindly, his eyes full of warmth. “Take care of yourself. I don’t want you overdoing it.”

He leaned in and gave her a hug taking advantage of his position to whisper,

“Don’t give up. You’ll be just fine. Give the gentleman a chance because it’s obvious how much he cares about you.”
Buffy smiled at him as she pulled away.

“Yes, Dad.” Sarcasm drenched her words, making Giles beam with pride. He knew that in spite of her tone, there was truth to her remark. Sometimes he wished she were indeed his daughter.

“Ta, Rupes. It was nice to meet you.” William waved as he and Buffy made their way out the door.

“Well luv, it’s off to the chemo chair.”
Taking her hand in his, he guided her toward that section of the hospital.


Just as Buffy was getting settled into the leather recliner and the nurse was inserting her IV, William’s cell phone rang. Looking at the caller ID he saw that it was Xander, and because he was worried about him since the odd way he’d acted over the phone the last time they spoke, he decided he needed to take the call.

“Have to take this call pet, be back in a mo’.”

He walked into a hallway so that she wouldn’t know whom he was speaking to. He didn’t want to upset her any more that she already was.

“’Lo, Xander,” he greeted his friend.

“Will, hey, how are you?”

“Bit busy here, mate. Can’t talk long, everything alright?”

“Well, Anya and I are in a bit of a predicament,” Xander explained.

“Xander! Xander is in a predicament. I had nothing to do with this!” William heard Anya yelling in the background.

“Anya!” Xander yelled back, “Just let me do this!”

William couldn’t help but laugh at the bickering couple. Some things never changed. He looked over behind him and saw that Buffy was sitting by herself, a magazine in hand, staring into space.

“Just bloody well tell me what you need,” he growled, letting his worry for her rid him of his patience.

“There’s no way to sugar coat this, so I’ll just say it—“ Xander started to say but Anya grabbed the phone from him.

“We’re in Camden!” Anya yelled excitedly into the phone.

“WHAT?” William screamed.

Several nurses looked in his direction, but when he shot Buffy a quick look he saw she hadn’t even noticed his outburst and was now lying back on the chair with her eyes closed.

“Actually, we’re in Maine. We haven’t gotten to Camden yet, and that’s why we called. What’s Buffy’s address?” Anya continued ignoring William’s apparent frustration as she usually did with people’s feelings when excited about something.

“Listen here ANYANKA, either you are completely dense, or you’ve gone barmy! Didn’ I say for you an’ Xander not to interfere with Buffy’s life?”

“My name is NOT Anyanka, SPIKE. You know that!” she screamed into the phone.

No one called her that. She’d given that name up long ago, even had it legally changed to Anya as soon as she turned eighteen. It was the ugliest name two parents could pick for their child, and NO one was allowed to use it.

Sensing the anger building between the two friends, Xander grabbed the phone away from his girlfriend.

“Let’s all calm down here, William. I know you can’t be happy about us showing up, but I couldn’t sit home not knowing what was happening. I had to come and see Buffy for myself.”

“Fine,” William growled, “Nothing I can do ‘bout you bein’ here now. Got a pen an’ paper?”

William gave Xander Buffy’s address and quickly asked Xander to apologize to Anya for his outburst.

“’M under a lot of stress here, mate. Tell her I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings.”

“She’s already over it, Will,” Xander tried to soothe his friend.

“It wouldn’t kill you to apologize with chocolates!” he heard her yell in the background before hanging up.

“Bloody pain in my arse,” he mumbled to himself once he was sure the call had disconnected.

He took a deep breath to calm himself down before walking back and taking a seat in the chair next to Buffy’s.

“Everything all right?” she asked.

He smiled to reassure her.
“Yeah, luv. Was just a little misunderstanding back home. Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

Buffy smiled back at him and went back to her previous position, lying back with her eyes closed.

William sensed how her mood had suddenly changed from one of assertiveness to her now quiet and introverted one. He worried about her. She was processing a lot of information and he didn’t want her to retreat into herself as she usually did.

The chemo session went by quietly, and he felt as if time had never moved more slowly in his entire life. Her eyes remained closed the entire time. Afraid to interrupt her thoughts, William silently read magazines like Cosmopolitan and learned things such as “How to get glowing skin through multiple orgasms.”

The drive home was quiet, much like the last time. The chemo had left her exhausted, and she fell asleep as soon as she sat in the car. William thought about her and what she must be going through and he promised himself that he would be there for her this time. He thought back to the way he had behaved the last time she needed him. When her mother died, he should have been there for her. He should have been strong and held her hand. Instead, because he had been reminded of his own mother’s death and the pain he’d been through back then, he’d spent the entire week after Joyce’s death in a drunken stupor, especially the day of her funeral. He thought and shuddered at the memory. Buffy had moved back into her mother’s house by that time, partly because she had wanted to help Joyce out during her last days but mostly he imagined because she couldn’t handle his heavy drinking and the way they had been avoiding of each other. They had barely spoken to each other since she’d moved out, though they hadn’t officially broken up and communication had altogether stopped, she had called him to tell him of Joyce’s death.
When Spike was sober, he felt horrible guilt about not being there to support his girl. Then he would remember how she had shut him out and had decided to deal with her pain on her own. He would realize that he wasn’t needed, so he would go back to drinking and numbing the pain. He hadn’t even shown up to the funeral. What a complete ass he’d been. It was no wonder she shut him out of her life for such a long time. No one really understood that part, not Xander and definitely not Anya. They only saw that he had made a mistake and worked his ass off to make up for it. They didn’t see that he had betrayed her, just like her father had. He hadn’t blamed her for the way she behaved toward him since then.

Things would be different now. He’d made up his mind. She had let him in and he wasn’t going to run away. He would stand by her and not let her give up.

Buffy was still asleep when they arrived at the house.

“Buffy, we’re here, pet,” he whispered to her while placing his hand on her cheek.

“Mmm, don’t wanna go to school,” she mumbled.

William let out a loud chuckle that startled her awake.

“What?” she asked. Then her eyes widened in shock. “Did I say something out loud?”

“Just some nonsense about school.” When he noticed the look of relief on her face he asked,
“Why? Were you having naughty dreams about me?”

Buffy gave him a deer in headlights look then quickly recovered and answered,

“No! Of course not. Why would you think that?”

William only smirked in response.
“No, reason. Just teasing.”

Buffy suddenly looked sick, and his playful attitude quickly changed to one of concern,

“You okay?”

She shook her head.
“I don’t think the nausea medicine they gave me worked.” She laid her head back against her seat.
“I just need a few minutes before I can move.”

“Okay, take your time luv. Can sit here all day if you want.”

She smiled at him but didn’t move an inch, afraid that if she did, she would spill all the contents in her stomach on him.

After about ten minutes, Buffy was able to overcome her nausea and turned toward him.

“Okay, I’m ready to move.”

“You sure?” he asked, the worry still evident in his face.
She nodded stiffly at him knowing that if she made any sudden movements the nausea would come back.

“Okay, hold on let me get your door.”

Stepping out of the car, he went around and opened the door for her. He took her arm and helped her out, allowing her to put her weight on him. They walked slowly up the walkway, and he carefully walked her in the door once he had unlocked it.

“Can you make it up to your room or would you rather lie on the couch?” he asked her.

“My room. Bed’s comfier,” she said.

“Hang on then.”

To her complete surprise, William picked her up and cradled her like a baby walking up the stairs and gently placed her on her bed.

“You need anything, luv? A change of clothes?”
She smiled at him.

“I think I can handle changing my own clothes, Will.”

He smiled back.
“Just tryin’ to be thorough.”

“Uh huh, I’m sure that’s what it is.” She smiled and rolled her eyes weakly.

William glanced at the clock on her dresser, “Didn’t realize it was so late already. Will you be okay if I step out and get us some dinner? Didn’t get the chance to cook anything.”

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

“You will be,” he assured her. “Best be ready for when the hunger strikes.”

“Okay.”

“Won’t be long.” He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead.

“Try not to get sick while I’m gone, an’ keep you mobile near you just in case.”

“Yes sir!” she brought her hand up to her forehead in mock salute.

“Don’t be cheeky.” His voice sounded gruff, but he was smiling tenderly.

She smiled in response.

Feeling more hopeful than he had in a long time, William walked out of the room and out the front door in search of food for his girl.

Chapter 16

After hearing the doorbell ring for the fifth time, she staggered from her bed to the top of the stairs, her limbs heavy and her head hazy from the aftereffects of both the chemo and sleep.

“I’m coming!”

Where’s William when you need him? Buffy held on to the railing and looked down; the mere thought of reaching the bottom exhausted her. It was so frustrating being so slow and tired. Something as easy as getting downstairs, now took herculean effort. Didn’t the person at the door get that she was sick?

“Hold your horses. I’m coming!” Her yell came out raspy, making her sound as though she’s smoked too many cigarettes in her lifetime.

Finally, reaching the bottom, Buffy made her way to the front door. She opened it, ready to give whoever was on the other side a piece of her mind but froze when she saw who it was. There in her doorway, stood Anya wearing her best “I am going to force myself to like you, even though I actually hate you. But because my boyfriend loves you, I have to be nice.” look. Xander stood behind her with a meek but slightly frightened look on his face.

“Oh, my, Buffy, you really are sick.” Anya’s eyes widened as she took in Buffy’s appearance: dark circles under her eyes, weight loss, puffiness, baldness, and all.

A look of pity came over the girl, and Buffy was tempted to slap it off her face. Anya’s brown eyes now looked like a sad puppy’s, and when she turned to look at her boyfriend, Buffy’s hands came to her head. She touched her bandana while looking at Anya’s newly dyed blonde locks and felt suddenly very self-aware of her baldness and ashamed of the effects the cancer had on her body.

“Anya, Xander...” Her mouth opened and closed, but she could not formulate any more words.

Xander pushed his girlfriend aside and took Buffy’s hands in his.

“Don’t be mad. William told us you were here. We needed to come. I had a bad feeling about you, and I had to make sure you were okay.”

“William,” she repeated, it was the only word she heard out of Xander’s mouth.

He’d done this. He’d betrayed her.

“You look good,” Anya said falsely, making up for her previous comment. “I like your scarf.”

Buffy gave the girl her best fake smile; she’d mastered it just for her.

“Come in.” She motioned them in with her arm. “William isn’t here. He went out to get dinner.”

She was going to kill him, but her thoughts were suddenly interrupted as she was suddenly overwhelmed by Xander’s arms around her.

“Buffy I’m so sorry. I’m here for you, whatever you need.” His large arms hurt her already sore body; so she gently pulled away, getting a close up look at his unshed tears and the pity written on his face.

Tears of anger overtook her; the pity on both of their faces was exactly why she left Sunnydale. The looks they gave her were something she never wanted to see, especially from Xander, her closest friend. Buffy swallowed the lump in her throat and struggled against the tears that were threatening to fall when thankfully, William walked in carrying dinner. He seemed surprised by their visitors.

“Xander, Anya- what are you guys doing here?” His face was stone, lips set in a straight line, eyes cold as ice, and his jaw twitched in anger.

Buffy took this chance to step away from Xander and compose herself. Shooting William a glare, she said,

“I’m tired, so I’m going to go lie down in my room. You take care of our guests.” She emphasized her last sentence by pointing an accusing finger at William.

When she was convinced that William understood her anger by the way he lowered his gaze to his boots, she turned and walked ever so slowly toward her room.

“What are you guys doing here? I thought you’d call before you showed up, so I could try to prepare her,” he hissed at them once he heard her door slam shut.

“Look man, it’s like I told you. I had a bad feeling about Buffy, and I had to come see her. We would have been here sooner if someone hadn’t made us stop at every tourist attraction in almost every state.”
He shot Anya a look of annoyance as he explained their delay.

“He said it would be a romantic trip for us. I was just making it count.” Anya looked at Xander, lifting her chin at him in defiance.

“A romantic trip, plus a one hundred eighty dollar dye job.” Xander took a strand of Anya’s hair in his hand and looked at William. William only rolled his eyes at him.

“We couldn’t tell you exactly when we were going to show up because you would have told her, and she would have run” Anya took her hair back from Xander’s grip, her mouth opening in shock when he pulled on it.

“Great!” William cried. “Now, she thinks I told on her to you guys.”

“So tell her we gave you no choice. She’ll understand.” Xander placed his hand on Williams shoulder, attempting to make his best friend feel better.

“Have you met Buffy?” William raised his eyebrows.
“He’s right. The ice-queen’s going to hold this over his head for as long as she can.”

“Anyanka!” Both men yelled.

Anya put her hands on her hips and glared at them.
“That is not my name!”

They both looked at her, clearly still angry and not caring about her name at all.

“Okay, sorry.” The blonde raised her hands in surrender.
“She really is sick though. Xander was right. What’s up with the scarf?”

Both men rolled their eyes at her but let the comment go. They knew Anya didn’t mean to be insensitive; she was just oblivious.

“Buffy has breast cancer. She has to have chemotherapy, and it’s made her lose her hair. Look, Xand, all due respect, but I think this is a conversation you should have with her yourself,” William said.

“Understood.” Xander nodded.

“How about you offer us a seat, William? Seems Buffy has money.” Anya’s eyes widened, and she let out a whistle as she took in the house’s interior beauty.

Standing in the foyer, directly in front of them was a staircase that lead to what Anya assumed were the bedrooms. To the left, she saw the living room where two large cushy brown couches were set in an L-shape so anyone sitting there could watch the television that hung over a gorgeous stone fireplace. The living room walls were a burnt orange color and the floors were dark wide planked oak hardwoods. There was a large area rug in the pattern of orange, brown, and green swirls, covering the area in front of the sofas.

To the right, lay the kitchen. Its walls were a warm yellow and the floor was made of repurposed brick pavers. The appliances were stainless steel and the countertop looked to be an earth-toned granite.

“Nice,” If she were a cartoon, Anya would have dollar signs for eyes. “Now, I get why you’re so into her. She’s loaded.”

“That’s not why, and you know it. Go sit down.” William pointed at Anya, his face red with anger. “I don’t have time for you right now, Anyanka, but I’m tired of hearing you talk negatively about my girl. So keep your bloody opinions to yourself, or sod off! I have to go check on Buffy.” William didn’t look at Anya’s shocked face before turning around and walking away.

She looked to Xander for support, but all she got from him was a nod she was sure was in agreement with what William just said. She looked down at her feet feeling shameful for once in her life.

“Maddening woman!” William yelled loud enough for her to hear as he made his way up the stairs in search of Buffy’s forgiveness.

Xander rolled his eyes, an act that he often did, usually once Anya was no longer paying attention to him, took her by the hand, and led her to the couches. He’d never understand how their friendship worked.


Once upstairs William knocked softly on her door.

“Go away!” Her voice sounded tired, and he could tell she was crying.

“Let me in, luv. Need to settle things ‘tween us.” He leaned his side against the door, listening to her.

“Will, I’m tired. Please, let me sleep.”

He quietly turned the door knob and was surprised to find the door unlocked. He walked into the dark room and saw her curled up on her bed looking small and frail.

“Don’t you listen?” she asked, coming to a sitting position her voice changing from soft to hard. “No, you don’t. That’s why they’re here because you have no sense of loyalty.”

“Come on, sweet. Know you don’t mean it.”

“Stop calling me pet names! There is nothing between us.” Her anger was so great she couldn’t even formulate a reasonable argument.

He came to sit down beside her. Buffy slid further away from him on the bed.

“Didn’t break any promises. Xander called, they were already here. Had to tell them where we were, didn’t I? Couldn’t have ‘em drive back to Sunnydale. Wouldn’t have been fair.” His voice was soft, gentle, and he was treating her anger as he would a child’s tantrum.

“Please go away, and leave me alone. I need to process. I’m so angry right now that I can’t even see straight.” He had to lean in to hear her and sitting so close to her he could see beads of sweat on her forehead.

“You okay lu—Buffy?” She looked faint.

She nodded and lay back on her pillow.

“Go away now. I need to sleep.” Her eyes closed. She didn’t have any energy left to argue.

He nodded, though he knew she couldn’t tell, stood up, and walked away.

“I hate you right now,” she told him as he left.

William walked down the stairs with a heavy heart. He hated seeing her so angry, so disconsolate, especially while she was sick. He knew she didn’t really hate him, but her words hurt nonetheless.

*******************************************************

“Well? Is everything good between you now?” Anya looked up worriedly from couch when she saw him come down.

“No, Anya, everything is not good. Chit’s brassed off—no thanks to you two.” He waved his finger between her and Xander.

“What? Speak American, William. No one knows what you’re saying when you get all worked up.”

William looked at Anya, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Sometimes it took all of his patience to deal with her and not lose his temper.

“She’s mad, Ahn, and he thinks it’s because of us.” Taking a cue from William’s body language, Xander took Anya’s hand in his and translated as best he could.

“Look guys, it’s late an’ you need a place to put your things. Follow me, I’ll show you where you can stay.” William stood, letting go of his anger. It wasn’t their fault Buffy was angry. It was his. He shouldn’t blame them for his and Buffy’s dysfunction.

Leading the way up the stairs, he showed them to his room.
“You can stay here. I’ll just need a minute to get my things out of your way.”

“What? William, no, we can’t kick you out of your room,” Anya said. “Isn’t that couch downstairs a fold out bed or something? We could sleep there.”

William smiled at his friend. “Don’ worry about it, pet. The couch won’t be a problem. Slept on plenty of those in my life, haven’t I?”

Anya nodded, remembering the countless times he’d slept on the couch in her apartment.

“Poor William,” she said, “don’t worry, if getting the girl is what you want, then I will help you do it. Even if I think you’re insane for loving such heartless bi-“

“Anya….”

“Lovely girl.” She said, taking in his clenched fists and the way his body tensed.

“Listen Will.” She took his fists in her hands. “I know I can be a bitch sometimes.“

“Sometimes!” William smiled his eyes twinkling and opened his fists allowing her to take his hands.

“Shut up,” She admonished. “What I’m saying is that I know we haven’t known each other long, but I’ve grown to love you as a brother, and sometimes I get carried away trying to protect you.”

“What are you getting at, pet?” There was a tone of laughter in his sarcasm, and he took at step back when Anya slapped his shoulder.

“I will try to be on my best behavior while I’m here, and I’ll keep my opinions to myself.”

“Thanks. I would really like that Anya,” William said and walked into the hug she offered him.

“You two kids all right now?” Xander, who had been standing in the corner observing the two friends, walked toward them and joined the embrace wrapping his arms around the pair.

William shook him off. “Yeah, we’re good. Let’s get out of here ‘fore I turn into a nancy boy.”

They decided on the new accommodations. Then Xander and Anya went out to the car to get their things. Following them out, William leaned against his Desoto and fished in his pocket for his cigarettes, taking one out then lighting it.

“I thought you quit.” Xander’s voice came out of nowhere.
“Lotta stress here, mate.”

“I can imagine.” Xander stood beside William and leaned on the side of the car along with him. “She’s not very easy to deal with when things get out of control. She’s always been like that.”

William looked from left to right, “Where’s Anyanka?”
“Anya went up to get us settled. It’s just you and me, buddy. Feel free to talk.”

“Think you’re the one needs to talk.” He knew this whole thing was bothering Xander and the fact that both he and Buffy had kept it from him was really the icing on the cake.

“I don’t think she should have run away like this. It’s hurtful. We’ve been best friends since forever.”

Xander’s pain was evident in his body language, the way his stance lacked confidence, and he kept running his hand through his hair.

“Don’t think she did it to hurt you. Starting to see that she did it to protect us.”

“Why? We don’t need protection. She needs us now more than ever!”

“A woman’s brain is a complicated thing, Xander.”

“You’re telling me! I’ve been trying to wrap my head around Anya’s for as long as I’ve known her.”

Xander got a funny smile on his face as soon as he spoke her name.

“What are you thinking, mate?” William asked; his curiosity piqued when he saw Xander’s expression.
“Can you keep a secret?”

William rolled his eyes.

“Oh yeah, duh,” Xander responded.

Xander dug inside his pocket and pulled out a box, holding it for William to see and opened it. Williams’s eyes widened, and his eyebrows almost touched his hairline.

“Are you ready for that? It’s a big step.”

“I’m readier than I’ll ever be. Anya’s the one, Will. I’ve never felt like this for anyone before.”

“Never had anyone before,” William argued.

“You know I thought you’d back me up on this man. You’re my best friend, and you love Anya. You understand her better than any of her other friends do.”

“’M sorry. You’re right. Got a little caught up in my own relationship drama is all. I think you proposin’s a great idea. You two make a good couple.”

“Thank you.” Xander let out a sigh. He’d been expecting his best friend to be happy for him but hadn’t taken his current situation into account.

“When are you going to ask her?”

“I don’t know. I’m waiting for the perfect time.” Xander shrugged his shoulders.

“Never gonna come.”

“What? Of course it will,” Xander said.

“You have to make this happen. Can’t just sit on your arse and wait for it. Just ask her.”

Xander nodded. His friend made sense; he couldn’t just sit around and wait for the perfect moment to present its self. He had to make his own perfect moment.

“Good point, Will. I think I’ll go inside and go online to see if I can find some ideas.”

“All right, mate. Enjoy.”

William watched Xander go inside and lit up a cigarette. He wasn’t ready to go in and deal with them yet. He had to come up with a way to get Buffy to forgive him.

*******************************************************


Later that night after Xander and Anya had gone to bed in his room, he lay awake on the couch, trying to get some sleep. He heard a door upstairs open then close and the water running. Someone must have been using the loo. He heard the faucet shut off then the door open and a quiet but frustrated voice say,

“Fuck, that hurt.”

It was her. She was awake and he needed to talk to her, make her forgive him. He stood up and ran upstairs to find her sitting on the floor in the hallway, rubbing her bare foot.

“What happened?” He was at her feet in a moment, taking her injured foot in hand and beginning to massage it.

“I stubbed my toe. I had to pee, and I’m so tired. I feel disoriented, and it’s hot.” She pulled her tank top away from her chest and blew air down into her cleavage. She looked so distraught he was compelled to take her in his arms and allow her to lean her head on his chest.

“Poor, sweet, Buffy,” he cooed.

He picked her up, “Let’s put you to bed, shall we?”

She nodded and allowed him to carry her into her room. He laid her on the bed noticing for the first time that she still had on the light blue lace camisole and matching boy shorts. She would be his undoing. William tucked her in and turned to leave,

“Please stay,” she begged. “I’m a mess. I don’t want to be alone.”

He nodded and walked over to the recliner that sat next to the bed.

“No, not there,” she patted the space next to her on the bed, “here.”

He couldn’t argue with her, especially not now with the way she looked so distraught and ill. He went to her, lay with his head propped up on pillows, and allowed her to wrap her hot little arms around him. He felt her body shake and knew she was crying.

“What’s up, pet? What’s got you so sad?”

“I don’t want them here,” she sobbed.

“Xander an’ Anya? They’re you’re friends. They came because they love you.”

“It’s selfish. I know, but I don’t want to worry about their feelings and how they’re handling my illness. I can barely handle myself.”

He looked down at her, a frown on his face.

“That what this is all about? Why you ran away, didn’t want me here?”

She nodded.

“Oh, sweet, we’re not here to make you feel bad. We’re here to help you, to love you when you need it the most.”
“I’m not so good with love,” She extended her hand out signaling at him, “case in point.”

“We’re not asking you to love us. I‘m—we’re asking you to let us love you.”

“I can try it,” she said.

She was hot, her arms, her body. He put his hand to her forehead and came away with it damp with her sweat.
“You’re burning up. Think I’ll call the doctor….” He turned to the nightstand next to her bed and reached for the phone.

She stopped him and said,

“It’s normal, part of the side effects of chemo. I’ll be fine soon.”

“You sure luv?” He looked down at her, his eyebrows knit and his lips in a thin line, the concern written on his face. She felt that this was the only look he sported since coming to live with her. Her fault, the guilt ate at her.

Buffy nodded, struggling to keep her eyes open.
“Sleep now luv, need to get your rest.”

She nodded and snuggled closer to him. “Don’t leave me, Spike. I need you.”

He ignored her use of his nickname. She was feverish, and this was the first time she’d been so open with him since he’d come to stay with her. He smiled at her quiet snoring. She finally trusted him or at least was on her way to doing so, and this made him happy.

Chapter 17

She awoke to the feel of William’s hard body behind her. His arm was draped over her waist and his left leg over hers. His nose touched her shoulder blade, and she wondered if he’d fallen asleep while taking in her scent. It was nice to be held; she felt safe and protected. She didn’t want to move, but the ache in her bladder told her she had better before she embarrassed herself. Buffy gingerly moved his arm off of her in an attempt to quietly climb out of bed. She took a step toward the bathroom but froze when she heard him shift. Taking a look back at the bed, she saw he had only moved to a more comfortable position and was still sleeping, so she quietly continued onward.

After appeasing her bladder, Buffy stood in front of the mirror, taking a good look at her reflection, not liking what she saw. She looked haggard and gaunt from the weight loss. Her cheekbones were pronounced, as well as her clavicle and sternum. She liked being thin, but this was ridiculous. There were prominent dark circles under her eyes, and she felt her eyelids were drooping as evidence of lack of energy. Noticing her breasts no longer filled her camisole was another mark against her, and the most devastating thing was her hair loss. Buffy felt as though she looked like death warmed over. How could he find her attractive? The cancer took away any semblance of beauty that she once had and her self- confidence along with it. With one last look at her reflection, Buffy walked out into the bedroom to see William sitting up shirtless in bed. She paused to appreciate the picture he made. He smirked at her when he saw what she was doing.

“How are you feeling?” he asked as she climbed back into bed with him.

“Like I was run over by a truck.” She gave him a weak smile and tucked herself under the covers, placing her head on the pillow.

“Aww, poor Buffy.” He had a playful smile on his face as he leaned down and kissed her forehead.

He couldn’t help noticing the way she looked up at him with hooded eyes.

“Spike-”

His face turned stony, his cheekbones protruded, and his jaw twitched in anger. He made to leave the bed, but Buffy stopped him.

“Oh, god, I’m sorry.” She quickly clapped her hand over her mouth. Grabbing his arm she said, “It’s just… I only associate this feeling with Spike. I’ve never felt this way with you — I mean William.”

Hearing her talk like this erased any anger he felt. His face relaxed as he made himself comfortable on the bed and took her hand in his.

“Feel what way, love?”

Feeling her cheeks heat up, Buffy took her hand away from his and covered her face, letting out a muffled,

“What am I doing?”

William removed her hands and looked at her. She saw he was trying to hide a smile, but his twitching lips gave him away.

“Don’t laugh at me!”

“Not laughing at you. Just find you bloody adorable when you’re embarrassed.”

She huffed, crossed her arms, and pouted. “Now I’m not going to say anything.”

William groaned, his cock twitching in reaction to her pout. “Please, don’t do that. You can’t know what it does to me.” He uncrossed her arms and lifted her chin for her to look at him. “Come on, pet, tell me what’s on your mind. Is it about last night?”

She simply nodded but remained pouting.

“Love?” he asked, looking into her eyes trying to convince her to talk. She took in their deep azure coloring and knew this was William at his most honest. He cared about her feelings and what they were in relation to him.

“I felt connected to you. Like it used to be with us when you used to be so good to me, William.”

He felt his heart flutter; William couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Was Buffy Summers actually sharing her emotions with him? He chose his next words carefully, knowing she was like a small bird; she might scamper off if she felt vulnerable.

“And now?” he prodded.

“And just now when I woke to you holding me, it felt great. I felt safe.” Buffy traced her finger over one of the roses on her comforter, avoiding eye contact.
“Safe is good.” He took her face in his hands forcing her to look at him.

The look in hazel eyes pled for him to understand her trepidation, but she was hypnotized by the depths of his blue eyes when he leaned in closer and his lips came inches from hers.

“Look, I don’t know what this means. I’m even more confused now than the day you showed up on my doorstep.” She looked away abruptly and went back to her invisible doodling on the comforter.

William silently berated himself for moving too fast. This woman was an expert at testing his patience.

After a few minutes of silence she finally looked up at him, and he saw fear, not frustration in the way her eyes darted from him to the ceiling. She bit her bottom lip as she twined her hands together.

“Hey,” He put his hand on her shoulder, “it’s okay. We’ll be fine.”

“Just, I know there’s something here,” she waved her hand between the two of them, “but I’m not ready to deal with it. My plate’s kinda full you know?”

He was elated but tried to play it cool.

“I know. Why don’t we take it one day at a time, just like we’ve been doing.”

She nodded. “I think that’s a good idea.”

“Good. So what are your plans for today?” he asked, looking over at the clock on the nightstand.

She laughed at the way he so easily changed the subject. “I think I’m going to lie in bed. I don’t have the energy to do much else.”

He smiled. She was so adorable.

“Okay if I take in a meeting today? I hadn’t realized how late it was” She still looked ill, and he felt trepidatious about leaving her alone to deal with Xander and Anya.

She nodded. “Of course.”

He got up from bed ignoring her whine. He had to be strong, AA was calling, and it wouldn’t be wise to skip a meeting just because a miracle had happened. The woman he loved wanted to hang out in bed with him all day!

“You should talk to Xander and Anya.”

She shook her head.

“Nope. Not gonna happen.”

“At least Xander?” It was his turn to pout and tilt his head in his familiar way.

Buffy couldn’t help but smile at his antics but quickly put a stop to it by covering it with a frown. “I don’t want them here. I never asked them to come. You should tell them to go home on your way to AA.”

“Buffy—”

“William, I don’t want to talk to them. Please don’t ruin my morning. I just want to sleep.”

Relenting, he said, “Okay love, sleep. I’ll bother you about it when I come back.”

“Thanks ever so much.” She rolled her eyes at him and threw herself back on the pillows covering her eyes with her arm. “Go away now. I’m tired.”

William smiled and walked over to her and bent, giving her a kiss on the forehead.

“I’ll be back in a bit. Call me if you need anything.” He turned to leave, but she stopped him by catching his arm.
“Last night was good, right?” she asked, sounding a bit insecure.

He smiled at her. “Last night was great.”

“Good.” She smiled.

William left the room unable to contain the smile on his face. He’d just taken a huge stride in getting through Buffy Summer’s seemingly impenetrable wall.

When he came downstairs he saw a note on the coffee table.

Will and Buffy,
We decided to take advantage of the nice weather and go for a hike. We’re at Maiden’s Cliff at the Camden Hills State Park. We figured Buffy might want some time to process our arrival.
Xander and Anya

So he’s really going to take the plunge. William thought to himself. I hope this cliff he’s taking her to is romantic. William thought about letting Buffy know she was on her own but thought twice about it. She said she would be in her room all day anyway, and she was probably already asleep, the poor thing looked exhausted. There was no need to bother her. William took his car keys and left.

*********************************************************


“Xander, I am dying here,” Anya said breathlessly.

“Relax, Ahn, we’ll be there soon. Trust me, this is going to be worth the effort. I hear the view from this cliff is breathtaking.” Xander climbed up the steep hiking trail and extended his hand to help her up over the rocks.

“By the time we get to the top, I won’t have any more breath to give.” Anya leaned over and pressed her palms to her knees trying to catch her breath.

“Come on, babe, enjoy the surroundings. Take in all this fresh air. This is nature at its finest.” Xander extended his arms showing Anya the beauty around her.

He was having trouble trying to stay upbeat. Anya had done nothing but complain since the moment she took a look at the hike from the bottom of the cliff. She was starting kill the romantic mood he was trying to set, and it looked to him as though maybe today was not the day to propose. Anya wiped the sweat off her brow with a hand towel and gave him an apologetic look.

“I’m sorry. You’re right, this is nice. I’m especially glad we went out and bought these hiking boots because I can’t imagine doing this with regular sneakers.” She gave him her most brilliant smile. “You’re awesome, Xander. I can’t believe you found this place all on your own, and I won’t complain anymore.”

“Thanks, Ahn. I appreciate your intent.” He knew she was lying, but she was doing it for his benefit and that made him love her even more.

“Oh, my, God, look!” Anya gave a little hop and pointed ahead.

Xander followed her line of vision to a large steel cross.
“We’re almost there!” He turned to look at her, his eyes lighting up with excitement.

“Do you know why that cross is there?” Anya asked him feeling proud to know some interesting trivia.

“No, I figured it was just to make it look nice.”

“Well, it’s a sad story really. There was this eleven-year-old girl, and she was climbing the cliff with her sister, but her hat blew off and she went after it. She caught the hat but was blown off the cliff by the wind when she sat down at its edge.”

Xander rolled his eyes. Leave it to Anya to ruin the mood. He was going for romantic, and she had to bring up a tragedy. He looked at her and had to smile. How could he be angry at her? She didn’t know what he had planned. This was exactly why he loved her. Her spontaneity is what attracted him to her in the first place. Anya’s view of the world was often like that of a child, and she had no problems expressing her opinions in the same way a child would. Xander admired her for being so open and not caring what others thought of her. True sometimes her thoughtlessness could be taken as rude and uncaring, but he was willing to deal with that. It was a flaw that those who got to know her grew to love. He was lucky to have this woman in his life and today he would make sure to make it permanent.

“Come on, Ahn. Let’s get to the top.” He took her hand in his and continued walking toward the cross.

**********************************************************

Buffy stuck her head out of her bedroom door.
“Hello?”

Her only response was silence. Deciding to take the chance, she stepped out of the room and walked downstairs toward the kitchen. She was incredibly hungry. She saw Xander and Anya’s note. Oh, thank god. I’m by myself. Feeling more relaxed she took off her robe and walked in her grey pajama bottoms and camisole.

Buffy made herself a sandwich and sat on the couch in the living room with the TV on. She wasn’t able to pay attention to what was playing because her mind was full of thoughts. What the hell am I going to do about William? Do I still love him? Who am I kidding? Of course I still love him; I never stopped.

She threw her head back against the couch feeling incredibly confused. How could she tell him how she felt? Especially in light of everything that was happening. Her chemo wasn’t working, and she might have to have major surgery. Who would want her if she had no breasts? Who would want to stay and deal with so much baggage? In the end she would probably send him straight to the bar all over again. She’d only agreed to the increase in chemo because he seemed so adamant against a mastectomy. She agreed because she was scared to lose him. What had started out as the simplest of plans had now turned into a complete mess, thanks to her friends. She just wanted to be alone. Now that I am, well, it doesn’t feel great. She admitted to herself.

*********************************************************


“Xander, it’s beautiful!” They stood at the top of Maiden’s cliff admiring the gorgeous view of Megunticook Lake and its surrounding woods.

“Was it worth the pain in the ass hike?” Xander stood next to her admiring her beauty instead of what lay ahead.

“Absolutely,” she said, a smile playing on her lips.

“Anya,” Xander took her by the shoulders and turned her to look at him, “I brought you up here for a reason.”

“I know and I’m sorry I complained the whole way up. You were right, Xander it was totally worth the effort.”

Xander began digging in his coat pocket for the felt box he’d been carrying since they’d left Sunnydale. Finally finding it, he got down on one knee.

“Xander, what are you doing?” Anya looked at him confusion clearly written in her eyes.

“Anya Jenkins, I love you. Every day I grow more and more in love with you. You have taught me so much about how to look at the world. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to see things the way you do and share in your joys and your sorrows. Please, Anya, will you marry me?” He opened the box and showed her the sparkling ruby that lay in it.

Anya took in the brilliant red stone surrounded by a circle of small diamonds embedded in a platinum band. She could only cover her mouth in surprise.

“What are you thinking, Anya?” Xander asked nervously.
“I am completely shocked. I was not expecting this.” She was doing a little dance as she spoke. “I mean don’t get me wrong. I’m happy. I’m so happy this is happening!”
“So can I have an answer?”

Xander picked the girl up and twirled her in a circle eliciting a scream from her. He put her down and looked her over.

“What? Did I hurt you?”

“No. We’re just really close to the cliff and I don’t want to get blown over by the wind.” She took Xander’s hand and ignoring his laughter pulled him away from the edge of the cliff.

“What do you say we celebrate with some champagne and a picnic?” he asked as he opened his knapsack and began pulling out a bottle of champagne and a basket.

“I say, ‘absolutely!’” Anya took his bag and sat down on the ground making herself more comfortable for their celebration.

Chapter 18

William found Buffy sleeping on the couch when he arrived home. He made his way over to her quietly, grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch and placing it over her small frame. She was too thin; there had to be something he could do about that. Snapping out of his thoughts, he reached for the remote on the coffee table, shutting off the TV then making his way to the fireplace and began to start a fire yet, despite all this, Buffy remained unaware of his presence.

Half an hour later, he was cooking dinner when he heard a commotion in the living room. Xander and Anya were back. Worried that Buffy would wake; he walked over to them and made a shushing motion while pointing at the sleeping woman.

“Too late.” Buffy sat up, rubbed her eyes and was about to pat down her hair when she remembered that there was nothing there. Instead, she awkwardly placed her hands under her thighs on the couch.

“I’m sorry, Buff. We didn’t mean to wake you,” Xander apologized.

Still upset at him for showing up unannounced, Buffy shrugged her shoulders unwilling to speak to him.

“But since you’re awake, we can tell you our news! Sit down, Will.” Anya took William by the hand and pushed him toward the couch.

Giving Xander a knowing look William sat next to Buffy and was taken aback when her hand automatically found his. Just as surprised by her gesture, Xander shot William a congratulatory nod.

“So what’s the news, guys?” William attempted to sound curious for Anya’s benefit, even though he knew and could see the ruby on her ring finger.

“Xander and I are engaged!” she practically screamed.

“Congratulations!” William stood and hugged the woman, who was jumping up and down in her excitement.

“What?"

All eyes turned to Buffy.

“We’re engaged, Buff.” Xander walked over to his best friend and sat next to her. “Isn’t that great?”

She gaped at him for a few seconds before she was able to get a hold of herself.

“Yes, great. That’s wonderful, Xander. Congratulations.”

Her tone was flat, and her face lacked the smile he was hoping for as she gave him a hug.

Xander tried to ignore her token words and returned her hug making sure not to squeeze too hard. He could see how thin she had become and was saddened by how weak her hold on him was. After a minute she pulled away in order to stand up to walk over to Anya. Giving the girl an awkward hug she said,

“Congratulations, Anya.” Buffy took a step back from her to face William and Xander. “I hate to be a party pooper, but I’m not feeling so hot right now. I’m going up to my room to lie down.”

“Yes, of course. We understand completely,” Anya answered for the group. William gave her a smile happy to see her trying to be supportive.

He didn’t miss how Buffy’s eyes were shinning or the way she was struggling to keep her lower lip from quivering. He took her hand before she could run away.

“Everything okay, pet?”

She only nodded in response.

“Feel better,” he told her. “I’ll be up in a bit to check on you.”

She nodded again this time leaning over and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. William smiled at her giving her hand a squeeze before letting go his eyes following her as she made her way up the stairs.

“Well, looks like things are looking up.” Xander slapped his friend on the back once he knew Buffy was out of earshot.

“Things are improving. We’re taking it slow.” William couldn’t help but smile as he remembered his and Buffy’s conversation that morning.

“I really am happy for you, Will. Just promise you’ll be careful. Stick to slow.” William looked over to Anya surprised to see that she was being sincere. She truly did want him to be happy even if it was with someone she wasn’t particularly fond of.

“Thanks, Ahn. But this isn’t about Buffy and me. It’s about you guys. Congratulations!”

Xander and Anya migrated toward each other, and Xander placed his arm around her shoulders.

“How about we celebrate?”

William looked upstairs and shook his head.

“Can’t tonight, guys. How ‘bout tomorrow? Maybe Buffy will be feeling better by then, and we can all go out an’ have a night on the town.”

The couple followed his line of sight then looked back to him and nodded.

“Okay.” It was Anya who agreed. Looking at Xander she said, “Let’s you and I go out and celebrate then. I can’t sit at home tonight. I’m too excited.”

“Sounds good to me. Where do you want to go?”

“There’s a nice seafood restaurant downtown. It’s right by the water. You should go there.” William had seen the restaurant the day he had bumped into Buffy at the park. He’d thought it looked fancy enough for a celebratory dinner.

Xander nodded. “Yeah, let’s do that.”

“I’m going to go shower and get ready.” Anya gave another little jump and made her way up the stairs.

“What?” William noticed Xander looking at him as if he wanted to say something.

“You sure you’re okay to go out tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” It took William a minute to finally understand what Xander was asking. When his friend gave him a pointed look he got it. “Oh, you mean cause of the alcohol. Yeah, I’ll be fine. Been going to meetings regularly. It’s only one night, won’t make a habit out of it.”

Xander’s face remained serious, and he lifted his eyebrow as though doubting William’s assurances.

“I won’t drink, mate! It’ll only be bottled water for me.”
Xander nodded, seemingly satisfied for the moment.

“How are you handling things with Buffy?”

“Good. Told you, we’re taking things slow.” William walked over to the couch and sat down, placing his legs on the coffee table.

Xander followed, sitting on the couch next to William. “That’s not what I meant. She looks really sick, Will. How are you handling that? It’s got to be freaking you out.”

William knew what Xander was asking. Was the stress of Buffy’s illness making him want to go out and get blotto.

“Not gonna lie. I’m scared, an’ yeah sometimes I could use my ol’ friend Jack.” William looked up at his friend. “But I’m not stupid. Won’t muck things up again.”
Xander saw fear in his friend’s tumultuous blue eyes and was glad to have come, realizing that Buffy wasn’t the only one who needed him.

“It’s that bad?”

“Not my place to say, Xand.”

Xander nodded. They’d had this conversation earlier. He wondered when he would be able to sit Buffy down and really talk to her the way they had before things got bad. Before her mom died, and she retreated into herself.

“Xander, aren’t you going to shower?” Anya’s voice from above broke him from his thoughts.

“Well, that’s my cue. You gonna be alright?” Xander asked, standing up from the couch.

“Yeah, just going to watch the telly an’ then get some kip.”

Xander rolled his eyes “How long have you lived in America now, Will?” Xander laughed at William’s glare, and then made his way up the stairs.


William found himself roused from sleep by the ringing of his cell phone. Sitting up, he rubbed his eyes so he could read the clock. Midnight. He must have fallen asleep watching a movie. When the phone didn’t stop ringing he answered it without looking at the caller ID.

“Lo?” His voice was rough from sleep.

“Aren’t you coming to bed?” She sounded tired. Had she been waiting up for him?

“Must’ve fallen asleep down here. Be up in a bit.” He felt a surge of happiness flow through him. It hadn’t been a one-time thing. She wanted him next to her again.

“’Kay. Don’t be too long. It’s lonely up here.”

He stared unbelievingly at the phone after she hung up. What had just happened? She wanted him in her bed two nights in a row? So last night had not been a fluke. This morning’s conversation had indeed happened. It wasn’t something he dreamed up. He wasn’t delusional. He knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing from here on out, but this was a major step for them, and he couldn’t help feeling proud of how far he’d gotten.

**********************************************************

She was half asleep when he made it up to the bedroom. Sitting down on the bed he unlaced his boots then stood up to remove his shirt.

“I forgot how good looking you are.” She was sitting up in bed now, a smile playing on her lips.

“Thanks.” He didn’t know how to take the compliment; things were still a bit awkward between them.

He stood up, removing the cover from his side of the bed making to get in he stopped when he felt her hand on his shoulder.

“You don’t have to sleep in your jeans.”
She shrugged when his left eyebrow rose as if to question her.

“I’m just saying — you should be comfortable.”

He nodded and took off his jeans slipping next to her in bed in nothing more than a pair of boxers. She scooted over to him placing her head on his chest. He placed his arm over her waist shifting to the side in order to make her more comfortable.

“You ready for Tara tomorrow?” he asked, ignoring the warmth that ran over him at the feel of her body against his.

“Yeah.” In usual Buffy fashion she wasn’t being very forthcoming with her feelings.

“You want me to go with you?”

“No. I think I’ll be fine. She’s really nice.” She let out a loud yawn making him wonder if this was her way of getting out of discussing emotions.

“Get some sleep, love.” He relented knowing that tomorrow would give her the chance to talk to someone about what was going on inside her head.

“Okay. Good night, Will.”

He kissed her forehead and allowed her to fall asleep on him enjoying the feel of her breathing on his chest. A few months ago lying in bed with her would have been something that seemed impossible. Things were coming along.

Buffy sat in Tara’s office waiting for her arrive. It seemed so large to her because Tara always brought the place to life with her positive energy. Now, as she sat on the couch across from the window and took in the scent of the burning candles, she thought the room felt oddly like a church—cold and uncomfortably quiet. Buffy took this time to observe her surroundings. Tara’s desk, which sat in front of the window, was perfectly neat, not one paper out of place. There was an oak bookshelf in the corner of the room overflowing with books. Buffy read some of the titles and didn’t recognize any of them. Her eyes landed on one titled, Intimacy after Breast Cancer: Dealing with your Body, Relationships and Sex, suddenly she thought of William and how nice it had been to wake up in his arms. She smiled as she remembered the way he’d pouted when she got up to shower and change. He was so different now, calm, patient and understanding, things he had never been before. His passion had been what had drawn her to him in the first place, but now after everything she had gone through, this new William was a welcome reprieve. He seemed to know exactly how to deal with her and this disease. They had both grown up so much since their breakup. Maybe that’s what they had needed, time to grow up apart from each other.
She thought about Xander and Anya. What could her best friend possibly have been thinking in proposing to that ditz? Did he truly believe that he couldn’t do better? He’d always been insecure and could never really understand how he had landed someone like Anya but to propose? He could do so much better. And what did William see in her? She’d never understood their friendship. Admittedly, she’d never given it any thought since the friendship had developed after their breakup, but now it was getting to be a thorn in her side. Overwhelmed by her thoughts, Buffy let out an exasperated sigh and placed her head in her hands, just as Tara walked into the room.
“Anything you want to talk about?” Buffy looked up to see Tara’s eyes on her as she took a seat in the chair by the window.
“I’m just stressed I guess.”
“I would imagine you would be with everything going on in your life. How have things been since we last spoke?” Tara turned in her chair reaching out toward her desk for a notebook and pen.
“Do you… do you have to do that? With the notebook? It makes me feel like a science experiment or something.” Buffy pointed to the incriminating object in Tara’s hands.
“No, of course not, I’m here to make you feel comfortable so no notebook.” Tara put her notebook back on her desk.
“Thanks.”
“Not a problem.” Tara smiled folding her hands in her lap, ready to begin the session.
“I slept with William.” Buffy blurted the words, her eyes widening when she realized what she just said.
“William?” Tara raised an eyebrow looking confused.
“The friend I told you about. He came to stay with me and help me through chemo except… Well, he’s not just a friend. He’s my ex. Shit! It’s so complicated!” Buffy couldn’t believe all the things coming out of her mouth. She had verbal diarrhea, and she had no idea where it was coming from. This was all William’s fault. His new found sensitivity was starting to rub off on her.
“So you had sex? How was that?” Tara noticed Buffy’s eyes widen. Realizing how her question came off, she scratched her throat. “I…I mean, chemotherapy often rids the patient of their sex drive…“
“Oh no! We didn’t sleep together. We just slept next to each other.”
Tara sighed in relief grateful not to have to get into a conversation of that nature.
“It was nice. More than nice, all of these feelings came back but…” Buffy shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t have time for those kinds of feelings.”
“Does he feel the same way about you?” Tara asked.
“Yes, but I don’t want to drag him down this road with me. It’s not fair.” Buffy crossed and uncrossed her legs, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was taking.
“It sounds to me like he doesn’t mind. Wasn’t he the one to come stay with you? Did you ask for his help?”
“No! I’d never impose on someone that way. Will just showed up out of the blue one day. Come to think of it, I don’t even know how he knew I was sick.” This realization made Buffy curious; she wondered how this hadn’t occurred to her before.
“Buffy, did you let anyone know you were sick?” Tara was starting to put the pieces of the Buffy puzzle together.
“What? No. Yes! I don’t really want to talk about that.” Buffy looked down at her lap and twisted her hands together.
Tara read Buffy’s body language and knew that she was closing herself off again.
“Ok, we don’t have to discuss anything you don’t feel comfortable talking about. How was your last chemo session? It’s my understanding that they have increased the amount of your dosage.”
“Awful.” Buffy looked up, her eyes full of unshed tears. “I’m not looking forward to the next one. I’m just starting to feel better today, but what’s the point if I have to go back in less than forty-eight hours and start feeling shitty all over again?” She let out a bitter laugh. “It’s funny how the only way to get rid of this is by poisoning my body.”
Taking pity on the woman, Tara extended her hand and patted Buffy’s knee.
“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”
“I don’t think anyone really can.” Buffy looked up at the ceiling letting out another frustrated chuckle. “Especially not Xander, I mean what the hell was he thinking showing up here? And to bring Anya along?”
“Xander? Anya?” Once again, Buffy had thrown Tara for a loop.
“My best friend Xander and his girlfriend Anya. I mean his fiancée Anya.” Buffy’s voice was laced with resentment.
“Not a fan of Anya?”
“Let’s just say the girl has no social skills. She’s always blurting out whatever’s on her mind, even if it’s rude. I don’t know what Xander sees in her. He can do so much better. She has William wrapped around her little finger too.” Buffy’s tears had disappeared replaced by an angry blush on her cheeks.
Tara was amazed at how much Buffy was disclosing.
“Are you jealous?”
“Of Anya? Pft, no! She’s the one who’s jealous of me. I mean she must be, the way she’s taking my friends away.” Buffy realized what she said and silently cursed herself. She’d let her anger get the best of her.
“What do you mean she took your friends?” Tara was happy to finally be getting somewhere with her patient.
“Nothing. It’s just—nothing.”
Tara tried not to show her frustration. Buffy was clearly done sharing. She was grateful to at least have gotten a little information from her. Maybe next time she’d get more.
“Do you think you should sit down with Anya and let her know how you feel? Maybe it would be good for you to talk to both she and Xander.”
Buffy shook her head. “No, they wouldn’t understand.”
“What about William? Do you think he might be able to help you with this situation? You were partially right when you said you couldn’t fit anymore on your plate. The stress you are going through isn’t going to help you to deal with chemotherapy.”
Buffy looked over at the clock on Tara’s desk. “Isn’t our hour up?”
Tara tried not to look as disappointed as she felt. “Yes. You are right. My buzzer will be going off in a minute.”
Buffy smiled, relieved that this was over. Tara stood up and Buffy followed suit. “Buffy, think about what I said. You’ll be surprised at how much better you’ll feel if you talk your problems out with your friends.”
“Yeah, sure, I'll think about it. See ya next week, Tara.” Buffy walked out of the office letting out a breath of relief.
Once alone, Tara shook her head in frustration. She found her notebook and sat down to jot down notes from her conversation with Buffy before she had the chance to forget.

**********************************************************

“Hello? William?” Buffy walked in the front door a smile on her face, the thought of William making her forget her session with Tara. Her smile however, quickly turned into a frown when she saw Anya sitting on the couch.
“Where are William and Xander?” she asked Anya, who was watching TV.
“Oh, they’re off doing men things.”
“Okay. I’m going to bed then.”
“He loves you.” She shut off the TV deciding it was time to have a conversation with Buffy.
“What?”
“They both love you. I don’t get why, but they do, and you’re just pushing them away,” Anya continued before she lost her nerve.
Buffy walked over to her. “I don’t see how this is any of your business.”
“But it is. Xander is my fiancé and William is my best friend. I see the way they care about you and the way you keep them at arm’s length. Don’t you think that hurts them?”
Buffy couldn’t believe that this woman was talking to her like this. Who did she think she was?
“This is none of your business,” she repeated.
“Look, I know you don’t like me, but for William and Xander I thought I’d try to understand you. It would be so much easier if we could all get along.”
Buffy nodded. Anya had a point; it would make things a hundred times better if they could get along.
Anya took Buffy’s nod as a sign for her to continue. “I don’t know exactly what went down between you and William. He and I weren’t that close when it happened, and neither of those boys will fill me in. Believe me I’ve tried to get it out of them.”
Buffy couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Anya badgering William and Xander for information.
“William’s an alcoholic. His drinking didn’t mix well with our relationship.” She didn’t think she should be telling Anya any of this, but if it got the girl off her back she’d do it.
“I know you aren’t one to let people know how you feel…” Anya held up her hand when Buffy’s mouth opened to argue. “You can blame William for revealing that bit of information. He was drunk and its pretty much the only time he’s ever talked about the two of you. What I’m trying to say is, do you think maybe he turned to alcohol because it was the only way for him to deal with things?”
“What!” Buffy’s hands opened and closed into fists as her anger at Anya returned.
“Okay, I get that this really isn’t any of my business, but I don’t like seeing them hurt and they’re hurting, Buffy. Just think about what I said okay? Maybe letting them in would be a good thing. Having some support with what you’re going through wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world would it?”
“Are you done?” Buffy had to control the urge to slap her. She’s Xander’s fiancé, she’s William’s friend. Buffy repeated the mantra to herself until she finally calmed down.
Anya nodded. “Yeah, I’m done.”
Buffy turned to leave when Anya called out to her.
“What is it, Anya? You’re treading on thin ice here.”
“Thanks for letting us stay. It means a lot to Xander. Me too, we’re both grateful.”
“No problem.” Buffy shook her head in disbelief then went to her room as Anya turned the TV on and went back to waiting for the boys.
Once in her room, Buffy couldn’t stop her brain from running in circles. Was what Anya had said true? Did she push them away? It wasn’t something she did consciously. Had she been the one to push William to drink? What about what Tara had said? Talking things out seemed to be the consensus among the women. When had she stopped talking things out? She couldn’t remember. Buffy felt suddenly overwhelmed. She threw herself down on her bed and covered her head with a pillow, a pillow that held the scent of tobacco. William. Kicking her legs on the bed, Buffy let out a frustrated growl. When had her life become so complicated?
She was suddenly aware of a soft knocking at her door. Rousing herself up from the bed, she saw that the room was now much dimmer than earlier. She must have fallen asleep.
“Buffy?” William called from the door.
“Yeah, come in.”
William walked in holding a box behind his back.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah. I must have fallen asleep. Have you been back long?”
“No. We just got in. Went for a walk around town. Xander wanted to see what all the fuss about Camden was.”
Buffy looked down at the floor. “I haven’t talked to him much.”
“He mentioned that, yeah.” William was hesitant to tell Buffy too much about Xander’s feelings for fear she’d shut down on him again.
“Maybe we could rent a movie or something tonight. We could all sit down together and have popcorn.” She looked back up at William, a forced smile on her face.
“Actually, we were thinking we could go out and celebrate their engagement. You know, a night out on the town. You seemed to be feeling better this morning.”
“I don’t know, Will.” Buffy’s hand went up to her head. She didn’t feel like going out on the town looking like she did.
“You look like you feel better today.”
“I do. I think the steroids they gave me when I went for chemo are finally kicking in. What’s that?” she asked, noticing the box William was holding.
“I wondered when you’d notice. You got this in the mail today.” William couldn’t help but bounce on the balls of his feet when he saw her smile.
Buffy took the box from his hands. Reading the return address she smiled.
“Ok. Let’s go out. I could use some fun.”
William raised an eyebrow wondering what had caused her to change her mind.
“All right. Can you be ready in about an hour?”
“How about two?”
“Sounds good to me. I’ll let Xander and Anya know.”
As soon as he was out the door Buffy ripped open the box.
“My hair!” She pulled the wig out of the box and hugged it to her chest. “It feels so real. Yay! But what am I going to wear?”
Buffy went on to spend almost the entire two hours she had been allotted looking through her closet, applying her make-up and figuring out how to put on the wig. Once she had it on, she shook her head back and forth to make sure it was secure. It would be so humiliating to have it fall off while she was dancing. Just to be sure that wouldn’t be an issue, Buffy did a little head banging and was happy to find that the wig would stay on even in the most extreme situations. Once she was through with the dance test, she grabbed a brush and viewed her reflection in the mirror. She was astonished to see how much like her old self she looked. She had chosen a blonde wig, a bit lighter than her natural color and made sure it was made of real hair. The purchase had been a bit on the pricey side but it was worth it to her ego to look good, especially because she felt like shit half the time. It felt so nice, light and bouncy, the wig gave her a confidence she’d thought long gone. Tonight would be a good night, she would be sure of it.
By the time she made it to the top of the stairs the others were sitting on the couch already dressed and waiting. William stood and walked over to meet her as soon as he saw her.
“You look gorgeous.”
Buffy smiled as she made her way down to meet him. William’s gaze moved up from her red strappy sandals to her lean legs, taking in her red halter dress and the neckline that dipped low enough to show the sides of her breasts and the milky white skin in between, finally landing on her lush wavy hair. Noticing the way he looked at her Buffy gave her head a little shake, relishing the way her hair felt against her back and shoulders. William extended his hand for her to take when she reached the bottom step.
“You’re going to be the death of me,” he whispered in her ear.
All Buffy could do was smile, he was making her feel the same way. She’d noticed how irresistible he looked in a light blue dress shirt and black jeans. The shirt made his eyes pop. The black leather jacket, his scuffed Doc Marten’s and the chain hanging from his pants pocket gave him the bad boy look she had never been able to resist.
“Wow, Buffy, you look great.” Anya couldn’t help but feel slightly jealous, especially once she noticed how Xander’s tongue was practically hanging out of his mouth. This was her celebratory night and Buffy managed to outshine her.
“Thanks, Anya,” Buffy smiled at her while allowing William to help her with her jacket. Maybe Anya wasn’t as bad as she seemed. She had good intentions even if she didn’t know how to express them properly.
“You do look good, Buff,” Xander said, “but not as good as my girl here. She’s absolutely delectable.”
Xander kissed his fiancé on the cheek eliciting a blush from the her, who was very rarely ever embarrassed.
“Shall we go?” William went to grab his car keys off the wall when Buffy’s hand stopped him.
“We are not taking that jalopy. We can go in my Jeep.”
William made a face at her all the while taking the Jeep keys.
“Okay, but I’m driving. Don’t very much feel like having an accident tonight.”
“Whatever, Will.” Buffy rolled her eyes at him. “Let’s go.”

********************************************************

Buffy asked for a drink as soon as they sat down at a table.
“What?” she asked when William gave her a look. “You said it yourself. I need to unwind.”
William nodded then asked the waitress for bottled water.
By her third drink Buffy was feeling happy and relaxed, something she hadn’t felt in a very long time.
“I’m going to dance. Xander wanna come?” She stood up extending her hand to him, a smile lighting up her face.
Happy to have been acknowledged by his friend, Xander followed her out to the dance floor. Buffy began swaying to the music, her hair flying left and right. Xander just bobbed around in the same spot enjoying watching his friend let loose.
William watched her from where he sat turned on by the way she swayed her hips and the way she lifted her arms above her head. This was the Buffy he remembered, the one he’d met all those years ago at the Bronze.
Before long she felt strong arms encircle her waist. Knowing it was him she allowed herself to lean against his chest and let his hands roam up and down her body.
“Do you know what you’re doing to me?” he whispered into her ear.
Buffy smiled and wiggled her ass further into him enjoying the fact that she still had the power to seduce. William let out a growl that she felt reverberate between her legs.
Frightened by the feeling, she pulled away from him.
“I need a drink.”
“Another one? Don’t you think you’ve had plenty?” William was worried; he didn’t want her to have a hangover in the morning. She was finally feeling well, and that would ruin the little time she had left before another chemo treatment.
“I’m okay, Will. Don’t worry.” She began walking toward the bar but felt her balance falter.
William was there to catch her.
“Maybe you’re right.” She turned in his arms and giggled, tipsy from the alcohol. “I think I’ve had just enough for tonight.”
“Do you want to sit down?” William had not let go of her waist, and when she nodded he guided her toward the table where they were sitting.
Anya had been watching the couple on the dance floor long enough to know she should make herself scarce.
“I’m going to dance with Xander. He looks like a mess out there.” As soon as William and Buffy made it to the table she was off to help Xander salvage his reputation.
Buffy laughed and leaned her head on Williams shoulder. “I think she’s giving us some privacy.”
“Are you two getting along now?” William had noticed the two women being civil to each other throughout the evening. He played with a strand of Buffy’s hair enjoying how perfectly she fit into the crook of his neck.
“We had a talk, and it’s all good.” She looked up at him. “Do you like the hair?”
“Love it. But I think you’re hot with or without it.”
Buffy smiled. “Thanks, let’s go home. My feet hurt.”
William nodded and helped her up from her chair. The couple walked over to Anya and Xander telling them they were calling it a night. The two were having too much fun to go home and decided they’d take a taxi back when they were ready.
William helped Buffy to the car then wrapped his arm around her waist once they arrived home and walked toward her front door.
“I’m not that drunk, Will,” She told him as he unlocked the door with one hand, not wanting to release her waist.
William looked at her and scoffed. Okay, she admitted to herself, maybe I am a little drunk, but how long has it been since I’ve had this much fun? Too long. She’d been too busy obsessing over being sick to even think about fun. She looked at him and watched his expression change; he was suddenly looking at her, his eyes expressing how much he loved her and how long he’d been waiting for just this moment. His head tilted to the side asking her a silent question, what’s it to be, love? So she answered the best way she knew how; she kissed him. Right there on her front porch, she kissed him. It all came back, all the feelings she had came rushing up from deep down where she’d hid them so long ago, and she felt her heart expand.
He returned her kiss with equal passion, and she felt as though she might faint. The sensation was amazing. It was as though they’d never been apart. She fumbled behind her back to turn the doorknob while wrapping her legs around his waist at the same time. Somehow he steered them into the foyer, kicking the door closed. William finally found the will to pull himself away and let out a ragged breath.
“Buffy.” His eyes shone with desire.
“Yeah?” she asked, eager to get back to what they were doing. Leaning forward she kissed and nipped at his neck.
Her attempts failed to distract him and she froze, becoming aware of what was coming; the questions, and the guilt. This hadn’t happened in so long, she’d been so resistant; of course he’d want to know, “why now?” She didn’t want to explain. She wanted him. He was her rock; he’d always been, and she’d denied herself of him for so long that she just couldn’t do it anymore. No more self-denial; that was her new motto. She wanted to hold on to him for dear life and have him be the one to keep her from drowning. She didn’t want to do any of the work herself. Her entire life had been work. It was time for someone to give her a break, take over for a while and allow her to give herself over entirely.
William wasn’t the type to jump into sex it seemed, not anymore. And so he looked at her with shining eyes and asked,
“You sure about this? Had a lot to drink and I don’t want to take advantage.”
She nodded. Yes, I’m sure. Please, take me I’ve been stupid long enough.
He nodded. “Not here. Want to treat you proper. In your room, on the bed.”
She allowed him to pick her up and carry her up the stairs peppering her face and neck with kisses until they reached her door. Once inside, he gently placed her on the bed and took her left foot in hand. Gently removing her sandal, he leaned down and licked her arch, kissing it when he felt her shudder then placing her foot down in order to lift the other and repeat the pattern. Once she was barefoot, he slowly crawled over toward her, bringing his hand to her neck and untying the knot that held her dress, all the while kissing the valley of her breasts, eliciting a deep sigh from her when she felt the old familiar goose bumps form at the back of her neck. William’s lips moved upward to her chest and collarbone until he was kissing her mouth again, his hand lightly skimming over her thigh, making her skirt hitch up and out of the way. Her top slipped down around her waist and his mouth was suddenly around her right nipple, biting and sucking while he rolled the other between his thumb and forefinger. She ran her hands up and down his shirt-clad back, her body arching toward him.
Buffy suddenly pulled away, with a pout and said,
“Not fair. I can’t be the only one losing all my clothes.”
William gave her a wicked smile, but allowed her to unbutton and remove his shirt. Once he’d taken off his undershirt his attention turned back to Buffy.
“Now, where was I?” William’s mouth returned to her breasts as he continued lavish attention on her hard, rosy nipples.
Buffy reached for his belt and with deft fingers, quickly had his pants halfway down his thighs.
“No underwear.” She smiled coyly.
“Never.”
“I need you.” She wrapped her legs around his waist and taking his hands in hers pulled him down to cover her once again.
William paused at her entry, looking at her one last time, silently asking for her consent. She smiled at him and nodded loving this new found respect and reverence he had for her. They moaned together when he gently thrust inside her. She felt a bit of discomfort while her body adjusted to him, but she liked the feeling, he’d always been a perfect fit for her.
“So hot, kitten.” He slid in and out in slow strokes. “Feels like home.”
“Unh,” Buffy was beyond coherent words.
“You’re so tight. So perfect for me…” His voice was a soft whisper in her ear, making her shudder with need.
“Will.”
“My beautiful girl. Missed you so much, missed this.” His breath was coming faster as his voice became hoarse.
His words were making her want to melt into the bed. She felt her orgasm building, but she needed something to push her over the edge.
“More, William,” she begged.
“What do you want love? What do you need?”
“You. I need… more.”
Knowing exactly what she needed William reached between them and began rubbing circles on her clit with his thumb, and just when he felt her body tense, he pressed down and placed his lips on her shoulder and bit down.
“Ah, Fuck!” Buffy went over, her inner muscles squeezing him so tight he had no choice but to join her.
“I love you,” he whispered, once he was able to catch his breath.
He lay over her not wanting to disconnect from the feeling of completion she gave him. Buffy’s hand traced small circles around the back of his shoulder as she lay below him a blissful smile on her lips. She didn’t have the words to tell him how happy she felt at that moment, so she allowed him to whisper his words of adoration in her ear and simply held him to her hoping he would understand. In the past she would have pushed away needing to have some space, to be alone and collect herself. Now she wanted to hold on to him for dear life and never let go again.

Chapter 20

After some time, William shifted so that he could lie next to her. They remained in each other’s arms, legs tangled together. He nuzzled his head into her neck and played with her hair.

“Feels real,” he whispered.

“It is. Not really mine, but it’s real.”

She ran her hand through his hair, it had grown a bit since he’d come to stay. So different now, it’s natural color made him look sexier, more mature and grown up. His hands found their way to her breasts and he began tracing lazy circles around her nipples.

“Perfect,” he murmured.

A question came to her then.

“Would you… would you feel the same if they were gone?“

He’d walked out on her before, when she hadn’t been enough. Who was to say he wouldn’t do it again if her body wasn’t whole? He sat up and brought her up with him. With his thumb he wiped away a tear she didn’t know had fallen.

“I love you. I am always going to love you and I’m here to fight with you. No more running away Buffy. ‘M here to stay.”

Now she was truly crying.

“But you said that before, and you left anyway,”

“Buffy, what happened with Dru that night, it was the biggest mistake of my life.” She could see the tears beginning to gather in his eyes.

She shook her head at him, didn’t want to talk about it anymore, but he took her face in his hands and made her look at him.

“You need to hear me out, love.”

“Will, I’m drunk. Not a good time to talk.”

“Not too drunk to have a shag,” he told her, his face hard. “You don’ want to go back to hurting, I get that. Doesn’t make what happened go away an’ neither will ignoring it.”

She pushed his hands off sliding away from him, needing to have some breathing room.

“Is that what you think this was, a meaningless drunken fuck?” She shook her head again, waved her hands in front of her face. “I don’t want to talk about this. It’s done, it was done a long time ago. It’s over.”

“Buffy,” He tried to take her hand, but she pulled it away. “I remember that night as if it were yesterday. How can you think it’s over with?”

She didn’t. She’d thought about it almost every day until she got sick, then other thoughts took its place. It didn’t mean that the pain was gone, it was still there. The night she walked in on Spike and Dru had torn out the last piece of her heart she had left.

He wasn’t at the funeral and she was livid. How dare he not show up after he promised her he’d come? It didn’t matter what was going on between them, what mattered was that he show her mother some honor and respect. In the end she pushed her feelings of anger toward him back, in order to deal with her sorrow over the loss of her mother. She felt like a zombie walking down the church aisle behind her mother’s casket, alone. No one was there to hold her and when she stumbled, almost falling to the ground and breaking down, it was Xander who came to her aid. He rushed to her side, hooked his arm around her waist, walked her to the hearse and took a seat beside her.

“What about Anya?” She didn’t make eye contact, but concentrated on the driver ahead. She knew that if she looked at Xander she would break and that would put and end to her perfectly controlled composure.

“She’ll be alright, she understands. Buffy, you can’t be alone right now. It’s not right. Where’s Spike?”

“Probably at home, passed out or drunk, or both. He could be lying in a ditch somewhere for all I care.” Her voice was ice, her face narrowed and her eyes dark with anger.

“Did you call him before you came?” Xander was worried. It wasn’t like Spike not to show up to something that was so important to Buffy.

“No. He promised he’d be here, I assumed he would. Spike disappointed me again, no big surprise.”

“What if he is in a ditch somewhere? It’s not like him not to call at least.”

Buffy shrugged. She didn’t have time to worry about Spike. There was mourning to be done now; she couldn’t handle two crises at once. If she attempted to do it she would surely lose her mind. Sensing that Buffy was barely holding on to her sanity, Xander dropped the subject telling himself he’d go check on Spike after the burial. They rode the rest of the way to the cemetery in silence. He took her cold limp hand in his, but she didn’t react, she only continued looking forward.

She behaved the same way as her mother’s casket was lowered to the ground. She stood in front of the crowd, listening to the priest as she stared ahead hearing the tears that everyone around was able to release. Not one tear fell from her eyes during the funeral; she was determined not to let any out now either. She knew if she let one fall then the rest would come, and before she knew it she would be clutching on to the casket begging her “mommy” to come back. Tears would come later, when she was alone at home with no one to see. Once the priest said his last words Buffy walked to the hole in the ground where her mother lay and threw in a single rose.

“I love you mommy,” she whispered, then stood in stoic silence until everyone had said goodbye and gone home to be with their families.

Buffy no longer had a home or a family. Xander walked up to her and placed his arm around her small frame.
“Do you need anything? Do you want us to come over to your house? We can have some drinks, shoot the shit and forget about this for a while.” He smiled at her hoping it would be contagious and she would smile back at him. She shook her head and said,

“I’m going to go home now. I just want to be alone.”
Xander nodded leaning down to kiss her cheek. “I love you. I will call you later to make sure you are okay.”

“Thanks Xand.”

Once alone, she began to think of Spike. Maybe he was lying in a ditch somewhere. What if he got into a drunken brawl and was seriously hurt? She decided she better go check in on him. Once she knew he was alright she would let him have it.

She made it into the building and heard laughter as she walked up the hall toward their apartment. A woman’s voice cooed,

“Come here my dark prince!”

She felt her heart stop. Suddenly everything seemed to slow down. She turned the key in the lock and walked into the disheveled living room. Empty beer cans were strewn all over, and on the coffee table sat many empty bottles of Jack Daniels. The place smelled like a brewery. It sickened her. She heard the woman’s laughter again, then Spike make some incoherent noise, so she walked toward their bedroom where the noise was coming from and opened the door.

She stood frozen as she took in the scene in front of her. Spike lay facing up on the bed, a dark haired woman clad in a black bustier with red roses embroidered on it and black fishnet thigh highs was on top of him, her thin body moving up and down, the bones in her back jutting out as she leaned her head back and pulled her hair up with her thin arms her eyes closed.

“That’s it my Spike,” she spoke in a singsong voice “My prince knows what to do.”

Spike lay unmoving beneath her, his eyes glazed over from too much alcohol. She took his limp arm and put his hand to her breast as he watched her get herself off on him. He didn’t argue or fight to push her off.

“So this was more important than saying goodbye to my mother?” Buffy finally found her voice, it came out sounding hurt and angry, but she felt completely numb.

The dark haired woman turned to look at her, eyes dark, a slow smile spread on her face as she laughed out loud.

“Who is this?” she asked Spike.

Somehow he pulled himself out of his drunken stupor and pushed the woman off of him.

“Buffy, love?” He rubbed his eyes in an attempt to make sure she was real.

Buffy let out a bitter laugh. “Don’t you dare call me that. In fact, don’t call me anything. This is over.” She pointed at him then at herself and walked away.

Spike somehow managed to get up, find his balance and go after her. She was almost to the door before she stopped and turned around to look at him.

“I’m moving into my mother’s house. I don’t want to see you again. I’ll have Xander pick up my things later. Sober up and get that whore out of here before he comes. I don’t want her touching any of my things.”

She was stone faced; there were no tears in her eyes. She had no more left. This was the icing on the cake, and she decided that she needed to get out of this life with him before it destroyed her.

“Buffy don’t leave. Let me explain.” He stood naked before her, hands clasped together and sobbing.

“Explain what? That you got shitfaced, picked up the closest whore you could find and brought her to our home so you could fuck her instead of coming to my mother’s funeral? Don’t worry Spike, it’s pretty self-explanatory.”

“Buffy-”

“Good bye.” She walked out the door making sure to slam it behind her for effect.

William’s hand was on her cheek. “Buffy, come back to me.”

“Did I make you do it Spike?”

He tilted his head, not understanding her question. Then it dawned on him.

“No, absolutely not! It was me, I was so incredibly stupid and insecure and a drunk.”

“Was that my fault? Did I push you to drink? I know I can be difficult…”

William took her by the shoulders, lifting a hand to wipe at her tears. His face reflecting the pain he felt for causing her such insecurities.

“I’m an alcoholic, Buffy. I have been since before I met you. My drinking had nothing to do with you, it had to do with myself and I used it to escape my problems. I didn’t know how to help you when you needed me the most, so I drank. It was stupid and irresponsible and I have been paying for my decisions ever since.”

“Maybe if I had talked to you, let you know what I was feeling--”

“I’d still be an alcoholic. Buffy you didn’t make me do any of the things I did. I made those decisions, they were my own fault.” William needed her to understand that this was on him. He couldn’t allow her to take the weight of his issues on her shoulders. “I was an asshole. I am so sorry for hurting you. I can’t blame you for not wanting anything to do with me from that day on.”

“I should have talked to you.” He needed to understand that she knew she’d made mistakes too. “I should have let you in instead of hiding the way I did. I’m sorry about that.”

“Yeah well, nothing we can do about it now. It’s all done an’ over with.”

She put her hand on his cheek. “We can fix it now so it doesn’t happen again. I promise I will talk to you, let you know what’s going on.”

William smiled. She was promising him a future.

“I promise I will let you know if I feel like you’re shutting me out or if something is bothering me. I’ll let you know what’s going on too. Won’t be a coward anymore.”
She nodded and smiled at him leaning in for another kiss.

*********************************************************

“Hellooooo you guys decent?” Xander’s voice came in through the front door. “I think they’re getting it on,” he whispered to Anya.

Anya slapped his shoulder. “Shh. They can probably hear you.”

“Did you see them at the club? They couldn’t keep their hands off each other.” Xander opened the door and covered his eyes as he walked into the living room.

“I think it’s sweet.” Anya saw that the room was empty and lowered Xander’s hand away from his face.

“Who are you and what have you done with my fiancé?”
Anya shrugged. “What? They make a cute couple.”

“Wanna know who else makes a cute couple?” A mischievous smile spread across Xander’s face.

Anya gave him her sexy pout and pulled him up the stairs by the hand.

“Let’s go do some real celebrating.” She began unbuttoning his shirt and pushed him onto the bed as she slammed the door shut with her foot.

*******************************************************

Buffy watched William from where she lay on the bed. He moved around the room completely comfortable in his nakedness. She’d never been that free with herself, not even before she’d gotten sick. She would always cover herself with blankets or put her bathrobe on after sex. She wished she could be less self-conscious, especially around him.

“How did you know I was sick?” The question came out of nowhere. She hadn’t known she was going to ask it, but it had been lingering in the back of her mind since she’d returned from Tara’s.

“What?” William turned from where he stood by the door. She could have sworn she saw a look of alarm on his face but it was gone too soon.

“How did you know I was sick? How did you know I was here? You just showed up and I never asked.”

William looked down at his feet then around the room, finally coming to sit next to her on the bed.

“You’re not going to like it.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“I was out with Xander one day and he needed to stop by your house to pick up a CD. You weren’t home but since Xan has your keys he went in to get it and I followed him. There were medical papers on your coffee table and I was sitting on the couch waiting for him so we could go. Trust me I was really not comfortable with being there but he said it would only take a minute. Anyway, I started sifting through the papers and I saw your diagnoses and all of your arrangements for your trip here.”

“You came into my house and you went through my private papers?” Her heart was beating faster than she’d ever felt it, but somehow her voice remained calm.
William refused to look at her, his eyes remained focused down on the bed.

“William I need you to look at me.” William’s eyes finally came up to look at hers. “Why did you do that?”

“Xander had mentioned you were keeping to yourself a lot more and that you weren’t acting like yourself when you were around. I was worried. I know you get like that when something’s wrong and when I saw the medical papers I panicked. I needed to know. I’m sorry. I know I was wrong but, I wouldn’t be here with you now if I hadn’t looked.”

Buffy took a deep breath. “Okay. I’m going to need a minute here.”

“You were so sick when I got here, I was so glad I came. I didn’t tell anyone love, I kept it to myself.” He was so scared he would lose her by telling her the truth, but he’d just promised to be honest not five minutes ago.

Buffy held up her hand to stop him from talking.

“Thank-you.”

“What?” Her comment left him completely baffled.

“Thank-you, for snooping. You’re right I can’t do this on my own. I don’t know what I was thinking, but if it hadn’t been for you showing up here God knows where I’d be right now. So, yeah, thank-you.”

“I love you.” He really did.

She forgave him for going through her things and even thanked him for stalking her. This woman was incredible and he was so lucky to have her.

She smiled and cuddled up to him. “Let’s get some sleep. Something tells me tomorrow’s going to be a rough day.”

He made himself more comfortable on the bed by tucking her onto his chest.
“Why do you say that?”

“Cause I had too much fun.”

“Let’s get some rest then.”

He didn’t mind that she hadn’t said “I love you” back to him. She was always one to take her time and he understood why she was hesitant to say those words. Being able to hold her in his arms was good enough for him. He just hoped that he’d be able to hold her for a very long time. Fate wouldn’t be so cruel as to take away something he just got back would it? He didn’t know the answer to that so he shot out a quick prayer, just in case. Please let her get through this. Give us the chance to spend our lives together like we were meant to. God wouldn’t take her away from him, would He?

Chapter 21
The next morning Buffy woke to find a note sitting on the empty pillow next to her.

Morning, Love

Stepped out for some bagels. Be back soon.

William

She smiled as she stretched her body. He was such a good man. Suddenly overcome by nausea, she found herself running to the bathroom, barely making it in time.
She was suddenly very hot, and her head hurt. A lot. She couldn’t distinguish whether this was a chemo thing or a hangover.

“What the fuck?” She sat up on the floor and leaned against the wall enjoying the coolness against her hot skin.

“Stupid drinks,” she mumbled as she put her hand to her forehead to feel for a fever.

Buffy tried to stand up and make her way to the bed but realized in doing so that her entire body hurt. This is new. Deciding to forego her bed in order to get some pain killers out of the medicine cabinet, she practically cried when she opened the bottle to find it empty. Now, I have to go all the way downstairs for more. Placing both of her hands on the sink for balance, she looked at her reflection in the mirror. I really have to stop doing this. As usual, she was horrified by what she saw; the feeling was intensified by the runny mascara and smudged lipstick leftover from the previous night. Not to mention the way her wig hung on her head crookedly. Pulling the thing off of her head, she mustered all of her strength by closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Okay, Buffy, you can do this. Just walk downstairs, get some meds and pass out on the couch.

After making it downstairs, she took some aspirin, and collapsed on the couch, only to realize that Xander was sitting on the couch next to hers.

“Morning, Buff, you don’t look so good. How are you feeling?”

“I have a headache, and I’m tired. I have a bad taste in my mouth, like metal. That’s a chemo thing though.” She threw her arm over her face hoping that the act would let Xander know she wasn’t in the mood for talking.

“Huh.”

“What?”

“The metal thing. It’s weird.”

Buffy shrugged. She felt like absolute shit. Her throat was starting to burn from throwing up earlier, and her head was still throbbing.

“I’m mad at you, Buffy.” Xander had yet to look at her and perhaps that’s why he completely disregarded the way she was feeling. There was something he needed to get off his chest, and this was the best time for him to do it.

“What?” Buffy turned her head to look at him incredulously. His remark was completely unexpected.

“I’m really angry at you. I feel really bad about it ‘cause you know, you’re sick. But I just can’t get past this ball of anger sitting at the pit of my stomach.”
“Xander, can we not do this?”

“You don’t have to talk. Just let me get this out. I’m mad at you because I love you, and you took off. You disappeared without telling anyone where you were going and why you left. That was really hurtful, Buffy. It was hurtful and selfish.” Xander stood up and walked over to her.

Looking down into her eyes he said,

“I think you behaved unfairly. You should have let us know, should have let me know.”

Looking up at him, she saw that his eyes were teary. She wanted to say something, anything to take that hurt look off his face, but he walked away and left her alone on the couch with her tears.

********************************************************

When William came back he saw her asleep on the couch. He walked over to her and saw that her face was damp with tears. He noticed she had goose bumps on her arms and touched her forehead to see how she was doing. She had a fever. Again. Shit.

“William?” She slowly opened her eyes and smiled at the sight of him above her.

He smiled back. “Hi. You don’t look so well.”
“I’m better now. I have a bit of a hangover, but I took some aspirin earlier and my head stopped pounding.”

“You’re teary faced.” He didn’t know what to say other than to state the obvious.

“Xander and I had a talk, or rather he had a talk and I listened.”

“What? I’ll go talk to him.” What was wrong with Xander? Hadn’t he seen that she looked weaker than usual?
Buffy grabbed his hand.

“Don’t. Give him some space. Besides, I need you here with me.” She gave him a weak smile making his resolve crumble.

Buffy lifted her head and allowed William to sit so that she could rest her head on his lap. He placed his hand on her forehead again.

“You feel warm.”

“I’m okay,” she assured him.

“You want some bagels?”

Buffy shook her head. “My stomach isn’t doing well right now. I don’t think I could keep anything down.”

William looked down at her; he suddenly looked older than he had when he first arrived. Had she done that to him?

“Hey,” She smiled up at him. “You worry too much. It’s not good for you. I’m doing okay. I promise.”

William only nodded. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“I’m glad last night happened.” She needed him to know how much it had meant to her.

He smiled. “Me too.”

The sound of a phone ringing interrupted the moment. William checked his pocket and saw that it wasn’t his.

“Is that yours?”

Buffy shrugged. “It might be. I don’t know where I left it though.”

William stood up. “I’ll look for it.”

She took his hand to stop him from getting up.
“It’s in my purse upstairs. Stay with me. Let the voice mail get it.”

William nodded and sat back down just as the house phone rang.
“Wow. Must be important.”

Buffy grabbed the portable phone from the table.

“Hello? Yes, it’s me. Uh huh. Okay. How bad? I can be there. I won’t. Stop worrying! Bye.”

Buffy hung up the phone and stared off into space.

“Buffy, love, who was that?”

When she didn’t respond he took her hand.
“Buffy?”

She looked down at their joined hands then back up at him.
“That was Giles. He wants me to go in for an MRI to see if the tumor shrank.”

William’s grip on her hand tightened; he pressed his lips together and the color drained from his face.

“It will be okay,” he assured her. “We’ll be fine.”
She knew he was saying this more for his own benefit than for hers.

“Can I have some time alone?”

William quickly pulled his hand away from hers as if he’d been burned. She understood his reaction.

“It’s not why you think. I want to talk to you about it but, I want to process it first. On my own.”

At his look of disbelief she added,
“I will talk to you. I promise.”

She thought of Xander and how awful he must feel about the way she treating him. He was right. She should have told him. She said she did it to protect them, but it was because she was a coward. She was afraid that their tears and love and hovering would make her death harder to face, but now she realized that having them around gave her hope. William made her feel it. Having him here with her made her want to stick around. Having Xander here too made her realize she wasn’t as alone as she’d thought. They made her want to fight, to have a new start at the life she’d given up on long ago when her mother died and Spike left. She wasn’t being fair, and it was time for her to own up to her mistakes. She realized she had a chance now, and she made the decision that she wouldn’t be afraid anymore.

Downstairs she found William still on the couch. She walked over to him and took his hand.

“I have to talk to Xander.”

He nodded, understanding her reason for this.
“You should.”

Letting go of his hand she stood up and walked outside where Xander sat on a patio chair talking to Anya.
“Xander, can I talk to you?”

He nodded and gave Anya a look.

“Oh! Well, I have to go use the bathroom.” Anya excused herself and walked back into the house.

Buffy looked at her as she walked away and laughed. She turned back to Xander and walked over to him.

“I left because I was scared. I have breast cancer, and I didn’t want to stick around Sunnydale. I thought that having you guys around would make it harder when it was my time to…“

“Buffy you’re not going to—“

“Let me finish. Please.” Buffy raised her hand to stop him from talking. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you feel like you don’t matter because you do. Xander, your friendship means the world to me, and I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch.”

Xander stood up from his chair and enveloped her in his arms. This time she allowed herself to be held by him and returned his embrace. Pulling away he said,

“It’s okay. I think we all get to be mean to each other every once in a while. Especially, when there’s a life threatening illness involved.” Buffy smiled at his joke, and he was glad she didn’t seem to be taking herself too seriously. “I love you, Buffy.”

“Thanks, Xand and congratulations. I mean Anya, she’s not that bad.”

Xander placed his hand on her forehead.
“Oh, my God! Do you have a fever?”

Buffy slapped his hand away and laughed.
“Shut up.”

“What’s all the ruckus out here?” William walked out of the kitchen through the sliding doors, happy to see Buffy and Xander had made up.

Buffy looked at him and smiled. She was glad he hadn’t been upset over her choice to speak to Xander before him. She walked over to him and took his hand.

“We’re just happy to finally have made up,” she told him.
Xander nodded. “I feel like a celebratory BBQ. What do you think, Buff?”

Buffy made a face. Food wasn’t too high on her priority list right now. She was still trying to get her stomach to settle down.

“You have to eat, love.” William looked down at her his face expressing his concern for her.

“I know. Fine. Let’s grill something.”

“Great! Why don’t we men go hunt something? What do you say, Will?”

William gave his friend a quizzical look. “Or we could just run to the grocery store and buy some steaks.”

“Yeah, that sounds easier. Let’s go!”

William looked down at Buffy and tilted his head. She understood his question.

“Go ahead. I’ll be fine. Go get some food.”

“I love you. Won’t be gone long.” He kissed her and walked with Xander toward his car.

Buffy watched them leave plastering a smile on her face for their benefit. Once the car was gone she plopped down on the chair and put her head in her hands.

“What am I going to do?”

“About what?” Anya walked out of the kitchen. “Where did my man go without as much as a goodbye?”

Buffy looked up to see that Anya had changed from her shorts and t-shirt she’d had on earlier to a pretty yellow sundress.

“Are you okay, Buffy? Is something bothering you?”
Anya noticed how sad Buffy looked and became concerned.
“Oh, you know the usual cancer bullshit.” Buffy tried for a nonchalant tone but failed miserably.

*********************************************************

Once in the car with Xander, William couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing up and down.

“Okay, man what’s up?”

William looked at Xander like he had two heads.
“What are you talking about? Nothings up. We’re going to the grocery.”

“Come on, Will, your legs doing a jig over there. I know something’s bothering you.”

William unconsciously put a stop to his jittery leg and rolled his eyes at his friend.

“Not doing a jig. Buffy got a phone call from her doctor. He wants her to have an MRI done to see how her tumor’s doing.”

“Oh, is she freaked?”

“Don’t know. You know Buffy. She asked for some time to process things alone so, I have to give her the time don’t I?”

Xander gave his friend a pointed look.
“Not too much time. She’s likely to run away from us again.”

“She won’t do that. She said she was sorry didn’t she? I think she’s come a long way since we got here.”

“Since you got here, Will. You’ve really made a difference. I’m glad she stopped being a dumbass and finally let you in.” Xander patted his friend on the shoulder to show his support.

“Don’t know ‘bout her letting me in, looks like that’s still up in the air.”

“Relax, buddy, she’ll open up… eventually.”

**********************************************************

Anya went and sat in the chair next to Buffy’s.
“Talk to me. What kind of bullshit?”

Buffy gave Anya a dumbfounded look.

“What? I thought we were friends now. Isn’t this what friends do?”

Buffy shook her head. “I don’t know, Anya.”

“Look, I can’t promise to be great at this talking thing. I’ve never had any girlfriends, but it’s not like you can run to your therapist right now, am I right?”

Buffy nodded in agreement.

“And William’s too close to be objective. Xander, well let’s face it. Xander’s no good with this stuff. “
Buffy nodded again. Anya was right. She was better off talking to her before approaching William. Anya could be her sounding board.

“I have to have an MRI to see if the tumor’s shrunk.”
“You’re worried that it didn’t.” The other woman crossed her legs placing her elbow on her knee and her chin on her hand in an attempt to appear friendly.

“I’m freaking out. If it shrank I can just have it removed. But what if it didn’t or worse—what if it grew or spread?”

“Then you do whatever comes next.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t want a mastectomy. I like my breasts, plus it’s such a risky thing to have done.”

Anya placed her hand over Buffy’s.
“But there’d be a better chance of you surviving. I know this has got to be scary, but think of the alternative.”

“I just got William back,” Buffy whispered.

“Exactly! Don’t you want to do anything possible to have a new start with him?”

Buffy was floored by Anya’s sudden kindness and compassion.

“Yes, I do.”

“Stop looking at this as a death sentence. Look at it for what it is—another chance at life.”

Buffy couldn’t help herself. She was so overtaken by emotion that she launched herself at Anya and wrapped her arms around her. Anya was a bit shocked by the reaction but managed to return the sentiment.

“Holy shit! Take a look at that.” Xander pointed at the girls from where he and William stood holding grocery bags in the kitchen.

“I just walked into the Twilight Zone,” William said as he stared at the girls embracing.

Chapter 22

“So she’s standing there telling me about how this little girl plummeted to her death all the while I’m toying with the ring in my pocket trying to get her to appreciate the beauty of the cliff.”

They all laughed as they sat around the table outside enjoying the steak and potatoes meal Xander and William had prepared.

“I was trying to impress him with my knowledge of history,” Anya said while piling more potatoes onto her plate.

“Nice, Anyanka, morbid as ever.” Spike smiled at her teasingly.

Her head shot up, and she was about to tell him off when she noticed how happy he looked with his hand wrapped around Buffy’s.

“I give up. It’s useless.”

“Knew I’d wear you down” He smirked at her.

“Cut her some slack, Will. After all, she did manage to get Xander to propose. That means he won’t be complaining about how miserable his dating life is anymore.”

“Who are you, and where is my woman?” Laughter tinged his voice.

They stayed outside for a while after finishing their meal, telling jokes and enjoying the weather. Finally, Buffy yawned one too many times, and their little impromptu party drew to a close when William insisted she go lie down.

******************************************************

“I’m glad to see you and Anya getting along.”
William took his t-shirt off as he spoke to Buffy, who was already tucked into bed watching him.

“She’s kind of nice. You just have to really get in there and dig to get some sensitivity out of her.”

“She’s never had any girlfriends.”

“So she told me. Come sit by me, Will. I want to cuddle.”
She gave him a pout, and he was next to her in a second.

“How’s my girl?” He placed a chaste kiss on her cheek before she cuddled into the spot between his shoulder and neck. “Poor lamb, got some difficult news today.”

“I talked to Anya about it,” she mumbled into his neck.
“Really?” He had guessed as much when he’d seen them hugging earlier.

“Mm Hmm.”

“And?” William took her by the chin and made her look into his eyes.

“I’m scared. She brought up some good points though.”
“Which were?” William knew that prodding was the only way to get her to speak freely about the subject.

“Whatever the outcome, there’s a solution. I mean obviously the best thing would be for the tumor to have disappeared, but that’s highly unlikely.”

“So?”

“So even if I need surgery, whether it’s to remove the tumor or remove my breasts, both will lead to me having more time to spend with you.”

William smiled. “I love Anya.”

“Hey! I thought you loved me.” Buffy looked at him making sure to give her best pout.

“I do. I can show you.”

William leaned over, lightly kissing her lips before slowly dipping his tongue into her mouth and moving his hands to touch the skin under her tank top.

“Mmm, William.” Buffy gently pushed him away. “I’m sorry. I’m just not feeling it right now, you know?”
He remembered reading somewhere that chemotherapy killed libido, so he wasn’t upset with her refusal. How could he be? It was enough to have her share the bed with him.

“Course I do pet. No worries, we have a lifetime for that. Let’s just get some kip, yeah?”

She nodded and brought her head back down to his shoulder. William shifted so that his arm rested around her waist and made sure to nonchalantly place his hand on her behind.

“Night, love.”

“Night, Spike.”

He let out a deep contented sigh. He didn’t remember ever having been this happy in their relationship. This new thing they had started was absolute bliss to him.

**********************************************************

A few days later found them sitting in Giles’s office waiting to discuss the results of her MRI.
It had not been fun to sit in that tube thingy for almost thirty minutes, but she had gotten through it with William’s help and support. Now, he reprised his role as her rock by holding her hand, calming her as he stroked it with his thumb.

“It looks as though I have some good news.” Giles told them while reading from his computer screen.

“You got it all? It’s gone?” Buffy bounced up and down on her seat hoping against all hope that she was right.

Giles looked up at her and removed his glasses, his action making Buffy stop bouncing. She knew his tells too well.

“I’m sorry Buffy but, no. Your tumor has shrunk however, and that’s also good news. It means you don’t have to have a mastectomy if you choose not to.”

“What do you mean if she chooses not to?” William was taken aback by Giles’ words. He had thought that a smaller tumor meant no breast removal at all.

“It means that the decision is up to Buffy. She can choose to have the tumor removed or to go ahead and have the mastectomy. The chances of the tumor returning are less with a mastectomy however, the procedure does not guarantee that the cancer will never return.”

Giles eyed William as he spoke his next words. “Buffy, a lumpectomy is less risky and a much simpler surgery, but in the end I’m afraid this is your choice to make, my dear”

Buffy nodded. “I know and I’ve already decided.”
Both men gave her wide eyed looks.

“You don’t have to make your decision right now. You can take your time.” Giles spoke to her in his calmest fatherly tone.

“I know and I have. I’ve been thinking about this since our last visit. I’ve decided to have the lumpectomy. I am ready to get on with my life and the way I figure is if the tumor comes back,I can have a mastectomy. Can’t I Giles?”

William stared at Buffy. She had made this decision on her own and seemed so confident with it. The woman sitting next to him was entirely different than the one he had found when he’d first arrived. She had grown so much.

“Yes, that’s correct Buffy. If you are confident in this decision, I can let you know how the procedure will go, and then we can set up an appointment for you. Does that sound good?” Giles was happy to see how much she had changed and how happy she looked; the fact that she was holding William’s hand had not gone unnoticed by him.
Buffy looked over at William for his input.

“It’s your decision, love. I’ll support you no matter what.”

She looked at Giles; the smile on her face so wide and bright it solicited a smile from him.

“Lumpectomy it is,” she said with a firm nod.

The next half hour was spent discussing the procedure along with the risks that came with it. It seemed simple enough and the way Giles made it sound, the risks involved weren’t all that common, just something he was required to explain to them. There was a chance they’d have to take out more than expected; the shape of her breast might change and that she wouldn’t be awake under the general anesthesia and the nerve block anethesia and the latter was anethesia directly for the site to desensitize the tissues to make them less sore upon awaking and recovery. Giles explained that some lumpectomies were performed as outpatient surgery, but she would have to remain over night because of the stage of her cancer and because her lymph nodes would also have to be removed in order to further prevent the risk of the cancer coming back. Buffy remained calm as he read the list of risks off, she had read up on all of this and knew that the chances were low. Spike’s reaction was quite different. His eyes were large as saucers and his hold on her hand tightened with each risk Giles marked off the list. He couldn’t understand how she could remain so calm when so many things could go wrong. Buffy looked at him, gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and smiled. “It’ll be okay,” she mouthed to him. That seemed to calm him down a bit.

“Now, Buffy, I know you’re not going to like this, but you are going to need to continue chemotherapy after the surgery, just for a few more sessions to be sure that the cancer is completely gone.

She made a face making both William and the doctor laugh.
“What? It’s not funny. I want my hair back.”

Giving William a reproachful look she couldn’t help but laugh. Okay, maybe she was being petty. She had just found out that this awful thing was going to be taken out of her, and all she could think about was her hair.

“Fine. What’s a little more poison, if it means I’ll finally be done with this hell?”

Giles smiled at her, once more taken aback by the drastic change in attitude the man sitting next to her had brought about.

On their way out, Buffy gave Giles a warm hug. “Thanks,” she said, “I don’t think I could have done this without you as my doctor.”

Giles smiled warmly at the girl. “You’ve surprised me today, my dear girl. Your entire demeanor has changed. You are practically glowing.” He looked at William and nodded. “I think I have you to thank for that, young man.”
Buffy looked up at William and beamed. William took the doctors hand and thanked him once again for all of his help.

“I guess I’ll see you on the operating table, Giles.” Buffy waved as she walked out the door.
“Rupert.” William nodded at the older man and followed his beautiful girl out.

*********************************************************


On the drive home Buffy noticed William’s leg bouncing up and down as his hand tapped a little ditty on the steering wheel. Putting her hand over his she looked at him and asked,

“What is it? What’s bothering you, William?”

He looked at her, opened his mouth and then closed it again before finally letting out a frustrated sigh.
“Aren’t you scared? I’m freaking out here, love.”

“Don’t. There’s no reason to. The scary part’s over, Will.” She reassured him with a smile.

“Over? Did you hear all of the things that could go wrong? I think now’s when the scary part begins.” He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. He was supposed to be her rock, her anchor, and now his fears were going to make her go running again.

“Will, the tumor shrank. That’s really good news. I wanted to jump up for joy when Giles told me. This surgery’s going to be so quick and easy, you’ll see. They have to tell everyone about the risks involved, but did you hear the percentage of times those things actually happen? It’s like slim to none. Relax. Enjoy this with me, will you?” She took advantage of the nasty Desoto’s single front seat and pushed herself closer to him, placing her head on his shoulders and her hand on his knee to stop it from doing it’s strange little dance.

“It will be okay, I promise.”

He smiled and kissed the top of her head. “You’re right, pet. ‘M just overreacting is all. You’ll be just fine, and we can put this all behind us and move on. I love you so much.”

Buffy smiled at him but couldn’t return the words. She felt badly about it, but she just wasn’t ready to take that step. Every time he told her she felt a twinge of guilt and hoped that he would be okay with her just being able to accept the words for now. She was afraid if she said them back to him, she would lose that last little bit of protection she had against him. Losing that last wall would mean opening herself up to the pain and hurt he and so many others before him had put her through before. She couldn’t do that; she had to protect herself at least a little, didn’t she?

Chapter 23

Buffy found herself struggling to remove the silly “smitten girl” smile off her face as she sat on the
couch in Tara’s office. Thoughts of William’s kisses and how wonderful they felt filled her mind. They hadn’t done
much this morning; her libido was really taking a hitfrom the chemo. She was always too tired to do anything but cuddle. William understood that though, and he was happy with holding her and giving her soft, gentle kisses.There was no way she was going to be able to stop
smiling, that was for sure.

“How are you today, Buffy?” Tara’s voice interrupted her
thoughts. The therapist couldn’t help noticing her
patient’s positive demeanor and the dreamy look on her face.

She sat on the couch across from her, her shoulders relaxed, one arm thrown over the arm rest while the other remained on her lap. This was not the same girl who had sat in the very same spot last week, shoulders tight with tension and wringing her hands in stress. Something had changed.

“I’m good.”

“That’s good to hear. So tell me about your week. What’s happened since the last time we met?”

“My tumor shrank.” Buffy was so excited to share her news that she practically bounced on the couch.

“That’s wonderful! So what’s the next step?” Tara found Buffy’s giddiness contagious, and noticed that she too had a huge smile on her face and felt a bit of a bounce.

“I’m having a lumpectomy.”

“Are you okay with that?” Tara suddenly turned serious. She was worried that her patient had finally gone off the deep end. Perhaps not being able to handle the stress of the situation had her acting as if nothing were wrong at all.

“Yes, yes I am. Absolutely.” Buffy nodded her head firmly to show she was convinced she was okay with her decision.

“Would you like to talk about it? I noticed that you are much happier today than you have been in our past sessions. Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know. I guess it’s because this nightmare is coming to an end, and I’m looking forward to what comes next.”

Tara smiled; she had a suspicion that she was referring to William. “Like what? What plans do you have for your future, now that you are able to see that you have one?”

“Well,” Buffy twirled her bandana strings around her fingers in a playful way. “Anya and I made up, or rather we understand each other now, and Xander and I made up too. William and I have definitely resolved some issues, which have all been very exciting.”

“So would you say everything is perfect? “

“No!” Buffy shook her head vigorously, “I would never say that. I’m not trying to jinx myself. I would say though, that things are pretty great.”

“That’s excellent to hear! So when’s your surgery?”

“Next Tuesday, I have to be there for nine a.m. You know, now that I think about it, I am a little nervous.” Buffy felt this was the safest place for her to admit her feelings.

“That’s understandable. What are you nervous about?” Tara crossed one leg over the other and leaned forward.

“That everything is going too well,” Buffy answered. “I mean, I have this feeling at the pit of my stomach like, when’s the other shoe going to drop. You know?”

“There’s nothing wrong with how you are feeling. You’re going through something pretty terrible. It’s normal to be nervous about it finally coming to an end.” Tara leaned over her desk and took a sip of her water bottle as she allowed some time for her words to sink in.

“I’m trying to be brave for Will,” She let out a laugh, “You should have seen his face when Giles told us about all of the risks. I thought he was going to pass out.”

“I see what you are doing, but don’t you think you should be able to let down your guard around him? He came here to help you. You should be able to let him know how you feel.”

Buffy let out a sigh. “He’s been my rock. I think I should return the favor.”

“Do you love him?” Tara had her suspicions, but Buffy’s need to be as supportive of him as he was of her proved it. Buffy was in love, that’s what had caused her complete one eighty in personality.

“What? No, I do care about him, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say that it’s love.” Buffy’s eyes widened and her cheeks turned red as she looked everywhere but at Tara.
Tara understood that she wasn’t ready to let go of her emotions. She still needed those training wheels around her heart, so she let it go. The therapist had crossed a line and asked her girlfriend, Willow to tell her a little bit about Buffy. Willow hadn’t known her all that well in high school, but she had observed that she had a small group of friends and that the circle seemed to get even smaller after she had graduated. The redhead had guessed that Buffy didn’t like to let anyone too close.

“Well, whatever it is you feel for him, it’s done you a lot of good, Buffy. You look great!”

Buffy smiled and patted the scarf on her head. “Really? Even with this silly thing on?”

“Yes, especially with it on. The color’s great on you. It brings out your eyes.”

“Thanks, Tara!”

Tara smiled. “You’re welcome. Our time’s up for today. I really wish you the best of luck on your surgery.”
Tara stood up and walked toward the door opening it in order to usher Buffy out. Walking over to her, Buffy surprised her with a hug.

“Thank you so much, Tara. You’ve been a great help during all of this.”

Tara felt her eyes moisten; she was in shock over the display of affection but hugged her back anyway.

“Remember what I said. Talk to him. Let him know what you’re feeling.”

Buffy pulled away from her and nodded. Then with a wave of her hand, she was out the door. Tara knew that what she was about to do was against the rules, but she had to tell someone about this anomaly. Sitting back at her desk, she picked up her phone and dialed.

“Hello? Willow, you’re not going to believe what just happened…”

*******************************************************

William found himself spending the day with Anya and Xander since Buffy had left to her weekly appointment with Tara. The three had gone out to lunch and taken a walk by the harbor, now they lounged on the couch while attempting to watch a movie.

“Get your stinky feet out of my face, Anyanka.” William slapped her feet away causing her to lay them on his lap instead.

“Keep calling me that, and I’ll put something worse in your face.”

“Um, that didn’t sound good, babe.” Xander said from where he sat on the other side of the couch with Anya’s head on his lap, “It just sounds too sexual for my comfort level.”

“Eww. You know I have no interest in Will like that, Xand.” Anya looked up at her fiancé and pouted. “Just let me get comfortable. You guys made me walk for hours.”

“We only walked for forty-five minutes. Stop annoying me you crazy bint!” William grabbed a magazine from the coffee table and began batting at Anya’s feet with it.

“Stop it, Will!” Anya shrieked.

“There’s a whole couch right over there!” William was having more fun bothering his friend than he let on. This was a good distraction from all of the worries that had been running around his head.

“Yes, but if I sit over there then I won’t be able to cuddle with Xander. Why don’t you go sit there and leave us alone?” Anya was still kicking her legs in an attempt to thwart the magazine slaps directed at her.

William huffed but stood up and sat on the other couch. “Insufferable, maddening woman,” he mumbled under his breath.

“What’s going on here? Why is William sulking on the couch? Who pissed him off?” Buffy walked in the door and took in the scene in her living room. It was comical; Xander and Anya were cuddling on one couch while William sat on the other, his arms crossed and aiming a death stare at them.

She never thought when she rented the summer house that it would be filled with her friends.

“Finally, a sane person in the house. Come ‘ere, love, defend your man’s honor.”

Buffy laughed as she walked over to William slapping Anya’s feet as she sat next to him. “Stop bothering my man, Anya.”

“Hey!” Anya yelled but could only laugh at the expression of pride displayed on William’s face.

“What are we watching?” Buffy asked, making herself comfortable in William’s arms.

“I Know What You did Last Summer.” Buffy laughed at the way they chorused the name of the movie.

“Eww, cheesy.”

“Anya picked it!” William pointed his finger at the blonde woman who made her best attempt at looking innocent from where she lay on the couch.

“Whatever,” Buffy pushed William’s arm down and leaned her head into it. “I’m too tired to follow a plot now anyway. This will do.”

William gave her a worried look. “You okay, love? Everything go well with the shrink?”

Buffy smiled and gave him a kiss. “Yes, everything is fine. It’s just been a long day. Thanks for worrying about me though.”

“I’ll always worry about you. It’s my job.” William kissed the top of her head, and she felt like she would burst with joy.
********************************************************

Later, after the movie, they lay in bed together. Buffy’s head rested on his shoulder, she never felt safer than when he let her lie like this with his arm wrapped around her.

“William?”

“Yeah, pet?” He was starting to fall asleep but came to attention when she called his name.

“I’m nervous.” Her voice was barely above a whisper she was finding it difficult to admit her feelings to him.

“’Bout what?” William found himself having some trouble following the conversation. Had she been talking to him all along and he’d only just now realized?

“The lumpectomy.” She sensed his confusion and regretted having brought it up. He probably wanted to fall asleep.”

“Got nothing to worry about pet, said so yourself, easy surgery.” His words said one thing while his eyes told her how worried he really was.

“You’re right.” It would be best to keep her worried to herself. There was no need to give him more reason to worry. “Everything will be fine. This will be over soon and we’ll be able to get on with our lives.”

He locked eyes with her. “You mean that?”

“Mean what?”

“We gonna get on with the rest of our lives after this is over? Together?” He looked into her eyes as he asked, his head tilted to the right as if he had reason to doubt her.
Placing her hand on his cheek she said, “Of course I mean it. I want to be with you as long as you’ll have me.”

“Forever then.” He made the decision for the both of them.
She nodded but wasn’t able to answer. She was so full of emotion. His lips slowly descended on hers for a light feathery kiss.

“I love you.”

Again she nodded, returning his kiss but with more vigor, prodding his lips open with her tongue and exploring the depths of his mouth. She didn’t know what was up with her but the chemotherapy was definitely not killing her mood tonight. Her hands ran up and down the lines of his back as she moaned softly, hoping he would understand that she needed him now. She needed him to reassure her that everything would be okay.

He pulled away from her, leaning his forehead against hers. “You sure?”

Buffy nodded and pulled him back into her mouth. William’s lips left hers and she let out a small whimper at the loss but suddenly felt his lips on her neck, as his hands gently removed her top.

“Bloody gorgeous,” he let out once her breasts were free.

His mouth latched onto her right nipple and began alternating between suckling and nipping, causing her to writhe beneath him. “Christ, woman you’re so responsive.”
Buffy smiled widely at him. “Mm Hmm.”

With a growl he let his hand move from her breast down between her legs and into her folds where she was ready for him.

“Ahh,” She was taken aback by the suddenness of his move but took him in welcomingly.

“You’re so wet for me, love.”

“Uh huh,” Unable to form thoughts, much less words, Buffy hoped he could understand the noises coming out of her were of sheer pleasure.

William’s mouth stayed on her nipple as his fingers worked her to the point of breaking. Wait, fingers? How many… oh! She let out a pleasured scream when she felt one of his well-saturated fingers slide into her back entrance.

“Shh, shh, love. There are guests in the house,” he whispered with a malicious grin.

“Will, I…” She was ready, her body arched up toward him and he felt her tense up and begin to tremble.

“Uh uh, pet, not done with you yet.”

She wanted to cry when she felt him withdraw but let out a squeal as he fell to the floor and got down on his knees pulling her body toward him. Her almost tears became gasps when she felt his tongue on her clit and his fingers massaging her from inside. Once again she felt her body escalating higher and higher until her vision became cloudy, and she was sure that her body was floating off the bed.

“Will...”

She was going to let him know that she was about to explode, but he didn’t give her the chance because she was suddenly accosted by the pressure of his finger coming in from behind her and all at once let go of all of her inhibitions. She felt her body tense up, and heard her cry of release as she melted into a puddle of goo on the bed. She was left panting, struggling for breath as he crawled above her, a huge satisfied grin on his face. She lifted her arms and wrapped herself around him not wanting to ever let go.

“You okay, pet. Am I squishing you?”

She shook her head. “Stay right here with me, please? Don’t go.”

He knew her words weren’t meant literally. She was giving him an answer to his earlier statement. He had no plans on ever leaving her. She needn’t worry about that.

“William?” Her whispered words in his ear made him stand erect, and she smiled at his reaction to her.

“Yeah, love, what is it?”

“I want more.” She whispered it, almost embarrassed to ask.

William laughed. She had never been this shy about her needs before and even though he knew it was the disease that had made her feel less confident, he couldn’t help how cute he found her shyness. She slapped his shoulder.

“Don’t laugh.”

“Can’t help it, pet. You’re just so cute.”

“William….” She was ready to argue when he placed his finger on her lips.

“‘S’ okay, I’ll give you anything you want an’ more.” He gently slid into her to prove his point, treasuring the soft sigh she let out. “So hot, perfect.”

“Yes,” she hissed in agreement, “perfect fit.”
William buried his head in her neck, enjoying the way she ran a hand through his hair while the other ran up and down the space of his back.

“I love you, Buffy, so much,” he whispered in her ear, “I’m so sorry. Every day I regret hurting you, thank you, love. Thank you for giving me this, for letting me back in.”

“Shh, Will. I’m so happy.” She felt his tears on her neck, heard the remorse in his voice. “I’m sorry too.”

His thrusts were slow and languid, making her body shiver with need. She’d feel herself climb to the point of climax, and then he would slow down even more, and her orgasm would ebb away. Just as she thought she’d scream if he didn’t allow her release, he lifted his head, so he could look into her eyes and thrust into her core. He sped up, grabbing her legs and wrapping them around him.

“Yes! That’s it, please.”

“What is it baby? What do you need?” He placed his forehead against hers, smiling knowingly. A twinkle in his eye.

She opened her mouth but couldn’t speak. He knew what she needed, and he’d given it to her so many times before. Before she could protest again his hand flew down between her legs and his fingers pinched the spot she needed touched. Buffy’s body tensed up, her inner muscles clamping down on him and she let out a scream he’d never heard from her before. The combination of her scream, the way she clamped down on him and the feel of her nails scratching the skin on his back made him follow her right into oblivion.

When she finally came to, she felt his head on her shoulder once again. Both heaved in and out searching for the breath they’d lost mid orgasm.

“That was—“

“Unbelievable,” she finished for him.

“Are you okay? Was it too much?” His concern warmed her heart.

“It was just enough. I’m fine. Elated even.”

“Buffy, I want you to know, if on Tuesday—“

“Don’t William. Nothing’s going to go wrong. Everything will be perfect, just like now.”

He nodded in agreement. There was no need to be scared because this was a simple procedure. She would come out of this fine and finally be done with this nightmare, and then they could finally continue with the rest of their lives together.

Chapter 24

Tuesday morning found her lying in a hospital bed with her friends surrounding her. William stood on her right side, her hand held firmly in his while Xander and Anya were on her left.

“Okay, this hospital gown, not the least bit flattering.” Buffy made a face as she fingered the hem in the arm of the garment.

“Aw come on, Buff, it brings out your eyes.” Xander played along with her attempt at joking, trying to get rid of the nervous vibe that filled the room.

“That an’ it makes you look hot.” William placed his hand over the blanket covering her legs, winked and gave her his best leer.

“You’d think I looked hot in a potato sack.” She laughed and rolled her eyes at his antics.

“Just tryin’ to get a smile out of you.” His eyes met hers, and her heart skipped when she saw the wrinkles that his full on smile brought to them.

“Good morning, Buffy…and friends.” Giles walked into the room wearing his white coat. He was slightly taken aback, not having expected the group of people he’d walked in on.

“Giles, hi. These are my friends, Xander, Anya, and you know William.” The smile that appeared on her face was enough to make the doctor jump for joy.

“Yes, hello, William.” He shook hands with the fellow Brit and then continued on to shake hands with the other two. “How are you feeling, Buffy, ready to go?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” She felt William squeeze her hand and smiled reassuringly as she looked at him.

“All right, then I’m afraid this is where you tell your friends you’ll see them later. I have to take you into the operating room now.”

“Can’t William walk with us?” Buffy gave her doctor her patented pout, knowing he wouldn’t be able to deny her.

Giles removed his glasses and wiped them with his handkerchief. Letting out a sigh he said, “I suppose so.”

Buffy smiled brilliantly at him. “Thanks, Giles.”

Xander took the opportunity to plant a kiss on her forehead. “All right Buffster, we’ll see you in a bit. I’d wish you good luck, but you don’t need it. You’ve already kicked this things ass.”

“Thanks, Xand. See you later. You’ll be here right?”

“Of course! We’re not going anywhere until you come out.”
Noticing the slight shake in his voice, Anya took Xander’s hand.
“You’ll do great, Buffy.”

“Okay, let’s get a move on.” Giles wanted the goodbyes to be as unemotional as possible. He didn’t want his favorite patient to feel melancholic before her surgery.

Buffy nodded and allowed two orderlies to help her onto a gurney and begin to wheel her toward the OR as William walked next to her, his hand still held firmly in hers. When they arrived, Giles looked to William to let him know it was time to let her go.

“Can I have a minute?” he asked, giving Giles a pleading look.

Giles nodded and stepped away, as did the orderlies. William looked down at Buffy, a smile on his face. She could tell his smile was forced from the way his eyes twinkled with unshed tears.

“Hey,” she tightened her grip on his hand, “everything’s going to be fine. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not, I won’t. I love you, Buffy. I’ll be waiting for your right here when you’re done.”

He bent down and kissed her just as Giles walked back toward them.

“Let’s get started shall we?” Buffy nodded, and he pushed her through the OR doors leaving William to stare after them.

He stood there for a moment before pulling himself together and walking to meet his friends in the waiting room. When he got there, he was surprised to see a brunette woman sitting alongside a redhead both of whom were talking to Xander. Once his friend spotted him, he stood up and approached him. “Will, how’d it go? How was she? Nervous?”

“She seemed fine. I think she was making jokes to cover up how nervous she really feels.”

“That’s Buffy.” Xander noticed the way William looked at the two girls sitting behind him and motioned for them to come over. The brunette came to stand next to him while the redhead stood behind her. “Will, this is Tara, she’s Buffy’s counselor.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” She extended her hand for him to take. “Xander tells me you’ve been taking care of Buffy. That’s really great of you.”

“I’ve heard a lot of good things about you, pet.” William took her hand and shook it firmly. It was true, Buffy had complained about the therapist at first, but lately she only spoke about how good it felt to open up to someone about the things that were bothering her without being judged.

“I don’t normally go so far as to visit a patient in the hospital, but with Buffy, well I feel a kind of bond between us. Also, my girlfriend Willow knew her in high school, so I feel like I know her too.” Looking behind her she realized that she hadn’t introduced her yet. “I’m sorry, William, this is my girlfriend, Willow. She went to high school with Xander and Buffy.”

“I didn’t really hang out with them, though,” Willow added as she peeked her head around Tara to look at him.

“Willow, I think I might have seen you around when Buffy and I started dating. It’s good to meet you.”
Willow only smiled.

“Willow here’s a lesbian. She and Tara both are. Together.” William shook his head at Xander, who was not doing a good job at covering up his awkwardness about the couple.

Tara and Willow didn’t seem offended. They only looked at Xander and smiled.

“Why don’t Willow and I get us all coffees? We’re going to be here a while.” Tara smiled and taking Willow’s hand walked away without waiting for an answer.

“They’re sweet,” Xander said as he watched them walk away.

“And gay. That’s actually great news because I know for a fact that Xander had a crush on the one with red hair. Now, I don’t have to worry about him eyeing her and can concentrate on worrying about Buffy.” Anya appeared next to Xander seemingly out of thin air.

“You don’t have to worry about Buffy, Ahn. Everything is going to be fine. Now, come on, let’s sit down and play some cards while we wait.” Xander pulled a deck of cards out of his inside pocket and grinned at his two friends. “What? There’s nothing wrong with coming prepared.”

**************************************************

William paced the length of the waiting room repeatedly. “What could be taking so long? It’s been four bloody hours!”

Tara made her way over to him and placed her hand on his arm in an attempt to soothe him. “Sometimes these things just take longer than expected. It doesn’t mean something is wrong.”

William smiled and placed his hands over hers. “Ta, love”
He’d only been around the kind woman for the time Buffy had been in surgery, but already he’d developed a connection with her. She was special. Something about her demeanor told him she was smart, honest and gentle. It didn’t hurt that she’d been Buffy’s soundboard all this time. Xander looked on at the two and wished his nerves could be so easily calmed. The doctor had said this was a two hour procedure, three hours tops. So what was going on? He silently prayed for his best friend’s well-being all the while trying to force his stomach back down from his throat.

Another hour ticked by, and by now there was not calming William. His pacing took on a manic quality as he mumbled to himself periodically stopping to wave his hands out in anger. Both Xander and Tara had tried speaking to him, only to be barked at in anger. They eventually decided to sit in their respective corners watching him slowly unravel. Xander sent a silent prayer out to the universe for both of his closest friends. He couldn’t stand watching William like this. With each passing minute he became more wary that the recovering alcoholic would soon reach his breaking point. If that happened, there would be no one there for Buffy when she finally came out of this, at least not anyone she would really want. At long last, William stopped his pacing when he saw a doctor, who was not Giles, approaching.

“Hello. I’m looking for William Rayne.” The doctor stopped in front of the group, eyeing each one, waiting to see who would be the one to address him.

“That’s me.” William stepped forward. “I’m William. Is something the matter?”

Ignoring the question, the doctor extended his hand for William to take. “My name is Ben Wilkinson. I am an intern here, and I’ve been working with Doctor Giles on Ms. Summer’s surgery.”

“Not a doctor then.” William realized out loud that his assumption had been wrong. “Where’s Giles then?”
“Dr. Giles is with the patient, I mean, Ms. Summers.” The young man corrected himself while trying to remember to make each case personal for the family’s benefit.
William practically growled his frustration at the inexperienced kid. That’s what he was, nothing but an eager faced boy dying for some live action. He took in the kid’s chin length shaggy brown hair and his hipster sneakers, and almost punched the wall in anger. How dare Giles send this doe eyed inexperienced child to give news he himself should have delivered.

“I’m sorry to inform you, that Ms. Summers is having some difficulty breathing on her own. It seems she’s had a reaction to the anesthesia, and we’ve had to intubate her.”

William could only stare. The boy’s words came in slow motion, each one hitting him like a punch in the gut. “Not breathing?” He felt a hand on his shoulder but didn’t bother to look at whose it might belong to.

“I’m afraid she’s still unconscious, but the good news is that we were able to successfully remove all of the tumor as well as the lymph nodes.” Ben smiled proudly. This was the first surgery he’d assisted in since he had started interning at the hospital.

“The good news…” William felt as though he was on auto pilot. Despite the fact that he was responding and his head was nodding, his mind was elsewhere. The words being spoken to him were going in, but it was taking him a while to decipher their meaning.

“I don’t understand. What does that mean?” William turned to see who had spoken and realized that it had been Anya. She had been the one to lay a reassuring hand on his shoulder earlier.

“Is this temporary?” He was thankful that someone was able to grasp the situation because he was still unable to understand it.

“I’m sorry ma’am, it’s hard to tell. At this point all we can do is hope for the best.” The boy looked at her with pity in his eyes. This wasn’t easy for him, it was his fist time delivering this type of news.

“Hope for the best?” William seemed to finally catch up to everything that was going on as he came out of his stupor. Grabbing the young doctor by the throat and pushing him against the wall, he growled,

“Listen here, little boy, I want you to march your inexperienced arse right back to wherever it is old Rupes is hiding, and tell him to find his ball sack, man up, and come out here to talk to me himself!”

“Will, stop! You’re hurting him.” Anya fought to remove his hands from the doctor’s neck, but didn’t have the strength. “Xander, do something!”

Xander reluctantly walked over to William from where he had been enjoying the scene and put his hands over his. “Stop, Will. This isn’t going to solve anything.”
William released his grip on the boy’s neck, and watched with a smirk as the doctor coughed and tried to catch his breath.

“You’d better go get Doctor Giles. I think that would be in your best interest.”

Doctor Wilkinson practically ran to find Giles all the while promising himself never to deliver bad news to a patient’s family by himself again.

Now that they were alone again, Xander turned to look at William. “You have to calm down. We don’t know the full story yet. Just wait and see what Giles says.”

William ran a hand through his hair and let out a breath. “Think I need some air. Need to process things, got too much going on in my head. Could you tell Giles I’ll be back in a bit?”

Xander only nodded, not wanting to upset his friend any further. William returned his nod and walked away.
“Is he going to be okay?” The shy red haired woman, who’d been watching the events in silence, finally voiced her concern.

“Yeah Willow, I think so. He just needs to let out some steam. William doesn’t handle stress very well.” Xander tried to muster up a reassuring smile but could only get by with a grimace. He felt Anya take his hand in hers and place the other one on his shoulder.

“He’ll be fine.” She smiled brightly at him and this time he was able to smile in return.

“Thanks, Ahn, I don’t know what I’d be doing right now without you here with me.”

*********************************************************

Outside, William lit a cigarette and paced the perimeter of the Ambulance parking lot. He was falling apart. What had happened? How could a surgery that had seemed so simple possibly go so wrong? A reaction to the anesthesia? Why didn’t they verify her allergies? This had to be temporary. He couldn’t bear losing her again. He dug inside his jacket pocket only to find that he was out of cigarettes.

“Shit!” In his anger he punched the brick wall. “Fuck!” He held his hand and realized that he had cut his knuckles. “At least it’s not broken.” He laughed when he realized the irony of having done this to himself in a hospital. Ignoring his bloody knuckles, he decided to walk to his car and go buy some cigarettes.

He couldn’t keep his thoughts from going to the darkest of places as he drove around town. He pictured Giles giving him the worst news possible, saw himself saying goodbye to the only woman he had ever truly loved as she lay unconscious in bed. He wasn’t surprised to find himself finally stopped in front of a bar. He didn’t think twice, only got out of the car and walked in. It was dark, the only lighting coming from the small lamps hanging over the bar and the few table scattered about. There weren’t many people in tonight. A young brunette woman with scarlet lips sat across the table from an older looking man. She wore a black leather corset and leant over the table to flaunt her cleavage at him. She eyed William and shot him a smile as he walked by her, but he only had eyes for the bartender. The brunette standing behind the bar smiled at him as soon as he sat down.

“What can I get you?” She had a southern drawl which combined with her sweet smile made him feel comfortable right away.

Her hair was long and loose but he could see that she had a long and graceful neck. She wore little make-up but she didn’t need it. She looked young and innocent in spite of the extra button she had left undone and the way her long, lean legs stood out under her short denim skirt. Something about her screamed that she didn’t belong there, maybe it was the inexperience reflected in her big brown eyes.

“Not sure yet,” he answered, “maybe in a few minutes.”

“Okeydokey. Just give me a holler when you’re ready. My name’s Fred.”

“What sorta name’s that for a bird as pretty as you?”
She giggled. “It’s short for Winifred. You’re not from around here are you?”

“Lived in California a good while, but am originally from England.” He found her giggle endearing.

“Are you here on vacation? California’s a long way from Maine.”

“Could say that, yeah.”

“Sounds nice. Well, let me know what you decide on. For a drink I mean.”

She turned to tend to some old timer who’d just walked in but William stopped her.

“On second thought, could you give me a Jack Daniel’s straight up, love?”

Fred smiled at him. “Sure.” She served him the drink and placed it in front of him, leaving to tend to her other customer.

William picked up the whiskey and tipped the glass, observing the way the bar light shone on the amber liquid. This was just what he needed. All he wanted to do was to forget all the shit that had just happened, was still happening at the hospital. A few drinks and he’d be just where he wanted to be, blissfully numb to all the pain that was trying to crawl into his heart. Just a few drinks and it would be as if nothing had ever happened. William lifted his glass up to eye level and looked at it. One drink and it will all go away…

Chapter 25

William put down his glass, just as the sultry brunette with the scarlet lips took a seat next to him. “Looks like you could use some company.” Placing her elbow on the bar, she leaned her head into her hand while flashing him a sexy smile.

“Thought you were chatting up that fella over there.” William nodded his head toward the table where she had been sitting. It was empty.

“Who, Phil? We had a parting of the ways. He wasn’t my type”

“Didn’t look like it.”

“My name’s Faith. What’s yours?”

William took in the girl’s appearance; she wore low-slung black leather pants that matched her bustier and revealed half of her midsection. She was built; he could see it in her toned arms and flat stomach. Her feet were incased in pointy black patent leather boots with heels sharp enough to stab a man to death. She looked badass. Her eyes told him otherwise. It was an act, he could tell from the sadness reflected in them.

“Name’s William.”

“Drink up, Will. Next one’s on me.” She gave him that sultry smile again, but it didn’t reach her eyes and he wondered what had resigned her to this lonely existence.

“Sorry, pet. Not drinking tonight.” He’d come this far, and as tempting as taking that drink was, he knew he had to stay strong for Buffy. What good would he be to her passed out on the barroom floor?

“That’s okay. How about I drink this one, and you take me home after?”

Fred looked up from where she stood at the other side of the bar and noticed Faith hassling her customer. Making her way back over to William she said,

“Hey, Faith. Can I get you anything?” She made the offer with a smile on her face, but William could see the slight tension in her shoulders.

“Nope. I’m fine right here. Will and I are just getting to know each other. Aren’t we, Will?” The smirk on Faith’s face told him there was more to her interaction with Fred than he could see.

Fred turned and looked at him. “How about you, William? You need help with anything?” She remained looking at him but her eyes shifted in Faith’s direction. He found it sweet of her to try and help him out.

“No thanks, love. Came here for the wrong reasons, turns out there’s something more important I should be doing ‘stead of drinking my sorrows away.” He smiled at the bartender and placed his hand over hers. “Thanks ever so for your wonderful service.”

Fred tucked her hair behind her ear and looked down, a slight flush coloring her face. He didn’t miss her smile though and couldn’t help smiling in return. Turning to look at Faith he said,

“Thanks for the offer. You’re one difficult bird to say no to, but I’ve got someone special waiting for me an’ she really needs me right now.”

Faith shrugged her shoulders. “Your loss. It could’ve been a really wild night. I never disappoint.”

“I’m sure you don’t. Have a good night, ladies.” He stood up and started walking out the door.

“Hey, William!”

He turned around to look at Fred. “Yeah?”

“It’ll be okay,” she told him.

“What?”

“Whatever it is that’s bothering you. It’ll work out in the end. It always does.” She gave him a brilliant smile and waved.

“Thanks, pet.” He left the bar feeling much better than he had when he’d walked in.


*********************************************************

Xander and Anya accosted William as soon as he walked back into the waiting room on Buffy’s floor.

“Thank God!” Xander grabbed his arm and took a good look at him.

“Are you drunk? We were worried you’d gone out on a bender.” Anya looked at William then at Xander linking her arm through his to imply he was in agreement with her.

“ ‘M not going to lie. I did think about it an’ ended up at a bar.” William raised his hands when he saw their looks of disappointment. “But I didn’t. I put my drink down an’ came back here.” His two friends let out sighs of relief. “How is she?” William asked.

“Stable. No changes.” Anya placed her hand on his shoulder. “She’ll be fine, Will.”

He made a feeble attempt at a smile, walked over to a chair, and flopped down onto it. “I can’t live without her.”

Xander walked over to stand in front of him. “She’ll be fine. This is just a little bump in the road.”

“A bump in the road! Poor girl’s whole life has been one big bump in the road. If she makes it— When she makes it through this, I’m goin’ to make sure her life’s perfect.”
Anya shook her head. “You can’t guarantee that, William. There are bound to be ups and downs.”

“Yeah, well I’ll make sure to face every single one of ‘em with her. If she’ll have me.”

“She loves you. There’s no doubt about that,” Xander said.

“Hey guys, how’s she doing?” Tara walked in with
Willow. “William, you’re back! Are you okay?”

William nodded at the girls. “Just needed some time alone to think things through.”

Tara nodded. “If you need to talk, I’m happy to listen.”

“Ta, pet. I think I’m okay now. It’s good to have friends with me.” Turning to look at Xander he asked, “Is she taking visitors?”

“Yeah, though Doctor Giles said one person at a time.”

“Umm, William?”

William turned to look at the shy redhead. “Yeah, Red, what’s up?”

She smiled shyly at the nickname, looking down at her feet and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “You should know that even though she’s unconscious, Buffy is still able to sense what’s going on. She can tell your mood, and she might even be able to hear what you’re saying.”

“So if you’re upbeat and hopeful, she’ll sense that, and maybe she’ll come back faster,” Tara chimed in, taking
Willow’s hand to give her confidence.

“That’s good to know. Don’t know ‘bout feeling upbeat, but I’ll give it a shot. What room is she in?”

“Two Forty-Two.” Anya perked up from where she stood. “She has her own room. I think maybe because you kicked her doctor’s ass.”

“I didn’ kick his arse! An’ he wasn’t her doctor. Rupert is an’ he should’ve faced us himself. Bloody coward.”

“Did it occur to you that perhaps I was trying to help Buffy, and that’s why I was unable to give you the news myself?” Rupert Giles walked toward the group, his white coat billowing behind him as if he were some kind of superhero.

William scoffed at the idea. “Rupert.” he practically growled as he turned to look at the doctor. “Good of you to show up. Finally.”

“Actually, this is my third time tonight. I’ve been keeping Buffy’s friends well informed while you’ve been off on your- bender was it?” He turned to look at Anya for confirmation. The blonde looked down at her feet, afraid to meet William’s eyes. She knew he was giving her his death glare.

“Wasn’t on a bender. Just needed some time to think. Thanks for keeping an eye on her, Rupes.” He wasn’t about to apologize for his outburst earlier, but he knew the doctor didn’t need to stick around this long and keep them all so well informed. He was thankful to him for that.

“You scared my intern half to death. I don’t think he will be talking to patient’s families on his own for quite a long time.”

“Kid had it coming to ‘im. Very unprofessional an’ too young.” William knew he was being stubborn, but to hell with it, he had too many things to worry about to be mindful of his behavior. “So I’d like to see my girl now, if it’s all right?”

“Yes, of course. Would you like me to show you the way?” Rupert knew that William’s actions were a result of his love for Buffy, and he couldn’t really blame him. He would have done the same if he’d been approached in the same fashion.

“No, can find it on my own, thank you. We’ll talk later, Rupes.” William turned and began walking toward Buffy’s room, leaving his friends to handle the doctor on their own.

*********************************************************
He almost came undone when he walked into the room and saw her. She lay lifeless on the bed, her thin body and lack of hair making her appear sicker than ever because of the IV in her arm and the tube that protruded from her mouth. The constant beeping of the monitors didn’t do much to help her case. The room was colorless and sterile, making him wonder how she would want to come back if this was what awaited her. William slapped his hand over his mouth to contain the sob that wanted to come out of him. He felt a pain in his heart that he hadn’t felt since the day she had walked out on him. Remembering what Tara and Willow had told him about Buffy still being able to sense the mood in the room even though she was unconscious; he took a deep breath in and tried to calm himself down. Walking over to her, he took her hand in his and gently squeezed it.

“‘Lo, luv. Looks like you had a bit of trouble during your surgery. Don’ worry though, you’ll be right as rain in no time.” He couldn’t help the tears that ran down his cheeks and was grateful she couldn’t see. “Tara an’ her bird, Willow said that you could hear me, that you can sense my mood too. I want you to know I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll come back to me.”

Letting out a breath, he ran his hand through his hair and tried to take control of his emotions.

“I love you, Buffy.” Unable to hold back any longer he broke down in sobs. “What would I do without you?” He put his head down on the bed and tried to calm himself.
After a few minutes of silence he lifted his head and said, “I want to marry you. I know you won’t want to. You’ve only seen marriage end badly, but I’m going to ask you to live with me when you wake up. I can’t be away from you any longer.” He looked into her face for any sign of life, but she just lay there motionless. “I’m going to sell my house in Sunnydale if you agree. I think Maine’s a great place for us to start over.”
William sat by her side for what seemed like hours, until finally he placed his head down on her mattress, his hand still wrapped around hers and fell asleep.

Chapter 26
She was drowning. He was on a lifeboat reaching for her hand, but every time he thought he had her, a wave would pull her away, making him lose his grip.

“Help me,” she pleaded. “Don’t let me go.”

“I won’t. I promise I’ll keep you safe.” He watched frozen in terror as she was swept under.

“Buffy come back!”

He awoke to his hand being squeezed tightly. Disoriented from sleep, he lifted his head to see Buffy looking at him, her eyes wide with fear and panic. She was squeezing his hand as if her life depended on it.

“Buffy, love its okay. Try to calm down. You’re in the hospital. I’ll go get help.”

She’d awakened and the intubation tube was obviously frightening her. William left the room and called out for a nurse. “Help! She’s awake. She needs that thing out of her mouth.”

Two nurses came in and removed the tube after seeing that she could breathe on her own and of course having called Giles for his approval. “Your throat will be sore for a while.” Buffy nodded and watched silently as they left the room.

He rushed to her side as soon as they were left alone. Taking her hand in his he said, “You’re back.” A look of confusion crossed her face. “You didn’t wake up when you were supposed to. We were all scared.” He choked back a sob, overcome by the thought of almost losing her. “I love you.”

She wrapped him in her arms rubbing circles on his back, just as he had done for her when she’d been sick. “I’m here,” she whispered. “I’m right here.”

Their peace was suddenly interrupted when Xander barged in with Anya in tow. “Buffster! We heard all of the commotion. Good to see you back amongst the living!”

“Xander! Have some tact.” Anya pulled at her fiancé’s hand and widened her eyes at him.

Buffy couldn’t hold back the giggle that escaped her and then winced when her throat protested in pain. She shrugged when William gave her a look that was mixed with surprise and concern.

“Anya, with the talking about tact.” Xander supplied. “It’s funny because you know—she’s Anya.”

Anya gave him a reproachful look just as Tara walked in with Willow in tow.

“We overheard the good news from the hall. How are you Buffy?” The therapist made her way over to her client with a huge smile on her face.

“A little confused. Apparently I gave you all a scare, but I didn’t even notice anything went wrong.”

“Maybe we should give you some time to acclimate.” Tara turned toward the group. “Why don’t we give her some space? We can come back and visit later.”

“That’s wonderful advice Dr. Maclay.” Giles walked in the room making eye contact with Tara. “Why don’t you all follow it? I’d like to speak with Buffy for a few minutes.” He took a minute to look around at Buffy’s friends and felt a swell of happiness in his heart. It seemed she hadn’t shut herself off to everyone after all. One by one, her friends said their goodbyes and walked out until William was the only one left.

“William.” Giles gave him a stern look and silently waited for him to leave.

William looked incredulously from Giles to Buffy, and when neither said anything he stood up. “Call me as soon as he leaves.” He turned and pointed his finger at Giles. “Don’t overwhelm her!” He bent down and gave his girl a kiss. “I’ll be just outside in the waiting room. Holler if you need me. I love you.”

She gave him a closed lipped smile and squeezed his hand. “I’ll be okay,” she said in a raspy whisper.

When Giles was done speaking to her he went ahead and gave her a thorough check up, then the nurses went in to bring her ice chips and juice, the whole process was time consuming. It was decided that she needed her rest, and so visits were cut back to one person at a time. Her friends took way too long spending time with her, but he couldn’t argue because they had every right to see her. His patience could only go so far though, and he was getting ready to walk into her room to kick out whoever was in there with her when Xander came up to him and told him she wanted to see him.

When he finally walked back into her room she smiled at him and patted the space next to her on the bed. He smiled back, happy to see her in a good mood.

“I dreamt that you asked me to live with you.”

He smiled. So, what Red said was true, she really could hear me.

“All this stuff that’s happened,” she circled her hand in the air to explain what “stuff” meant, “has made me realize that I’m ready to move on and finally open up.”

“That so? How do you plan on doin’ that?” He felt his stomach tightening up in anticipation, was she finally going to let him in?

She smiled brilliantly; he’d never seen her look so happy. “By telling you that I love you.”

Overcome by emotion, William pulled her into his arms and kissed her fervently. She winced causing him to immediately pull away. “Are you okay, love? ‘M sorry. I didn’t think I just reacted.”

She laughed. “Me too. I forgot about this.” She pointed at her bandaged breast.

He placed his hand on her cheek tilting his head to the side. He felt sadness for all of the things she had gone through. “This all mean you’ll live with me?”

She nodded. “That’s what you do when you love someone isn’t it?”

He didn’t think his smile could get any wider. “I was thinking I’d sell my house. We could buy the one here. Start our lives together somewhere new.”

“Really! But what about Xander?”

“We can figure that out later. Talk to him an’ Anya.”
She smiled at him again and leaned in for another kiss. “I love you,” she whispered when she pulled away.

“Won’t ever get tired of hearing those words.”

“What about your job? You can’t leave work. I can’t ask you to drop your life for me, Will.”

“You didn’t. I offered. There are jobs here aren’t there? ‘Sides, I think it’s time I start making some changes. Was thinking of finally putting my college education to use.”

“I never asked you, what did you study?” She seemed genuinely interested, which pleased him because she had made such an effort to avoid any talk of his self-improvement in the past.

“English Literature. Must be a school ‘round here needs a teacher?”

“Okay.” She nodded. “Let’s do this. Let’s start our lives together as soon as I can get out of here.”

He smiled and nodded his head in agreement. They spent the rest of the night talking about their future plans. William felt like he was on top of the world. His dream of having her – all of her was finally coming true. They fell asleep together. Buffy’s good side cuddled into him. They looked so happy together that the nurse on duty didn’t have the heart to ask him to leave. She had never seen a more contented looking couple before.

One Year Later

William stood at the front of the Camden Park amphitheater and watched in awe as the woman of his dreams walked up the aisle. She was beautiful, angelic. Her shoulder length pale blonde hair flowed in delicate waves, and her smile was brilliant against her tan skin. He couldn’t believe that smile was meant for him. A year later he still had to pinch himself to be sure he wasn’t living in a dream and that this incredible woman had indeed chosen him to be her partner.

Finally, making it to the front, Buffy’s smile widened as she winked at him and stood opposite him. Once they were together, everyone stood from their seats. His best friend, who’d been standing next to him, leaned close and whispered,

“I think I’m going to pass out.”

William looked at him and watched as his color returned, and a large smile spread across his face when the woman he loved began making her way up the aisle. William smiled knowingly. He knew exactly how Xander felt and had absolutely no doubt that one day it would be him standing in his shoes, watching Buffy walk to meet him and join him in life as his wife.

The wedding ceremony went by in a blur, as William was too busy making eyes at Buffy and enjoying the way she batted her eyelashes at him. He was so enthralled by her that he almost missed his cue to give Xander the rings.

“William,” Anya attempted to maintain her composure as she hissed at him then quickly put the smile back on her face.

“Sorry, Ahn.”

She nodded at him and continued smiling, her eyes shooting daggers at him as he gave Xander her engagement ring and wedding band. He could hear Buffy’s giggles and glared at her, but her only response was to smile and shrug. He’d get her for that later, evil minx knew what she was doing to him in her tight little yellow dress.
The wedding was beautiful. The couple had a justice of the peace come in and conduct the ceremony in the amphitheater where the reception would follow. Anya, who had spent months agonizing about her wedding dress, looked beautiful in the white satin sleeveless mermaid cut gown she’d chosen. Her bridesmaid/maid of honor had happily donned the canary yellow bridesmaid dress she’d helped choose. The beautiful summer day was the perfect scene, the view of the ocean made extraordinary by a clear blue sky. The combination of the seagull’s cries and the ocean waves brought a sense of peace and relaxation to the guests, who sat happily in rows of white wooden chairs celebrating the union of the bride and groom.

The crowd stood and clapped as the couple shared their first kiss as husband and wife. Buffy beamed at Xander mouthing, “Congratulations!” to him before he turned to walk down the aisle with his wife. Buffy followed suit, linking her arm through William’s and following the couple toward the area photos were going to be taken.
*****************************************************

She’d been avoiding him all night. Ever since the wedding reception had started, she’d been busy helping the bride with one inane duty after another. Helping her change into her post-wedding outfit, making sure all the guests were being served hors d’oeuvres and drinks; Anya was so concerned with the drinks. She knew what she was doing, throwing him coy glances, batting her eyelashes at him, and bending over to give him a view of her luscious titties every chance she got. He finally a caught up with her after an hour and sneaked up from behind.

“Think you’re funny with all your teasin’?” he whispered in her ear as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

“I don’t know what you mean. I’m just talking to Willow here, and before that, I was helping Anya out with the reception.”

Willow smiled knowingly as she waved at him. “Hi, William. You look pretty dapper in that tux.”

“Thanks, Red. You look right hot in that dress. Tara must be itchin’ to get you home tonight.”

“Will!” Buffy elbowed him as she watched her friend’s cheeks flush in embarrassment.

“It’s okay, Buffy. I should be used to him by now. It’s been a year.”

“Relax, love. Red knows ‘m just teasin’. Don’t you, Red?”

“Yes, I do. Thanks for the compliment, William.”

He nodded at her. “Mind if I steal the maid of honor away? I’d like to have a dance with my girl.”

“Go right ahead. I should find Tara anyway. I haven’t seen her in awhile, and I’m afraid Giles may have abducted her. You know how he’s become kind of her mentor ever since your surgery, Buffy.”

“He’s mentioned her several times. I’m starting to think he likes her more than me.”

“Tara? Never.” Willow shook her head vehemently. “You’re his number one, Buff. Okay, I’m off to find her. Behave, you two.” She waggled her finger at them and smiled mischievously before walking away.

Buffy laughed and turned to William. From the look on his face she knew he had no intention of behaving.

They walked out on the dance floor, and William pulled her close to dance to the slow song that was playing.

“You look beautiful, pet.”

She felt his hands drop well below her waist and smiled seductively at him. “You don’t look so bad yourself. The tuxedo look’s definitely working for you.”

“Glad you like it.” He curled his tongue over his teeth and said, “Maybe you’d like to take it off me later.”

She rolled her eyes and leaned her head on his shoulder. “I like this song.”

“Could be our song.”

“We already have a song, remember?”

“Don’t rightly consider ‘Let’s Talk About Sex” by Salt n Pepa to be the best song for us, pet.”

She lifted her head and pouted. “But that’s the last song we danced to before we left the Bronze that night. And then we had sex… so…perfectly appropriate song.”
He laughed at how adorable she was. “Let’s get a new song to go with our new start. How’s that work?”

“I think I can let Salt n Pepa go.”

“Good. Now, let’s get back to getting you to take my tuxedo off.” William’s hand closed around her bottom as he gently squeezed her perfectly round ass.

“Will!”

Just then Xander and Anya walked up to them, effectively interrupting William’s plans. “May we have this dance?” Xander extended his hand to Buffy.

She looked at William and shrugged. “Okay.” Taking Xander’s hand she allowed him to whisk her away to another part of the dance floor.

“Guess that leaves just you an’ me, pet.”

Anya smiled widely at her friend. “Show me what you’ve
got, William.”

Taking her hand, he gave her a spin followed by a dramatic dip and a kiss on the cheek. “That good enough for you, princess?”
******************************************************

“Wow Xand, you’re pretty good on your feet.”

“Months of training. Before Anya dragged me to dance lessons I was a menace on the dance floor.”

“Oh, I know.” Buffy nodded, remembering the many foot injuries she’d endured for the sake of not letting him feel left out at school dances and the Bronze. It was a wonder she was still able to dance. “So you ready for your honeymoon?”

“We are Tahiti bound in twenty-four hours,” he said looking at his watch.

“I’ll have the house ready for you guys when you get back.”

Xander gave her a little spin then took her back into his arms. “Thank you so much. You guys didn’t have to let us stay in your house. Anya and I could stay in a hotel until I get settled with the new construction company out here.”

“Nonsense, you’re moving here to be with us. You’re our best friends, there’s no way we would let you pay for a hotel when we have the extra room.”

He kissed her cheek. “You and Will are the best. I promise I’ll make sure to keep Anya out of your hair.”

“She’s not so bad.” Xander raised an eyebrow. “Okay, she can get pretty annoying pretty fast.”

“There’s the Buffy we all know and love. Seriously though, It’s good to see you and William so happy together.”

“Yeah well, it only took almost dying to open my eyes.”
“Well, it that’s all it took. Thank God for small favors.”

“Xander!” She slapped his shoulder but laughed at the irony that was her life.

Who would have thought all of her friends would pick up their lives and move to Maine just to be with her? She was grateful for her old friends and happy to have new ones too. She glanced over and smiled at Tara and Willow as they danced along to the music, their eyes locked on each other. Love wasn’t easy; she knew that, but it was worth the sacrifice. William taught her that.

******************************************************
Long after all of the guests had gone, Buffy and William stood together looking at the sea.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” he asked from where he stood behind her with his arms wrapped around her waist.

“Breathtaking.” She leaned her head back against his shoulder. “I’m so glad we decided to stay. It’s so peaceful here.”

“This is where we had our first kiss.”

“After you came back. God, I was so confused after that kiss.” She put her head in her hands.

“Why’s that, love?”

“Because all of the feelings I’d so carefully buried came to the surface. That’s all it took, just one kiss from you, and I was gone again.”

William smiled proudly. “All it took was your smile, and I was in love. That very first night at the Bronze.”

“I do love you, William.”

“Good. That makes this a lot easier for me.” He moved to stand in front of her and slowly got down on one knee.

“Will—“ Buffy covered her mouth in surprise.

“Buffy Anne Summers, you are one hell of a woman. You are
brave and strong and unbreakable. Every day I fall more in love with you. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” He took a small black ring box from his jacket pocket and opened it to reveal a sparkling diamond ring.

With her mouth still covered and tears streaming from her eyes, Buffy nodded her head. “Yes!” she said, finally able to compose herself. “Yes, William Rayne. I will be your wife.”

He couldn’t contain the joyful laugh that escaped him as he placed the diamond on her finger and picked her up, giving her a spin and a passionate kiss. “You have made me the happiest man on Earth.”

“Well, we’re even. You’ve made me the happiest woman on earth. You opened my heart. I love you, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

He put her down and they kissed. A beautiful sight as the sun set over the ocean behind them.