William pressed his forehead against Buffy's front door. He couldn't seem to gather the nerve to knock. He needed her help, but fear kept him from seeking any further for it.

"It's okay," he thought, "I may have no memory of the last century, but I'm sure everything will be fine." He had been left here by a badly dressed little man with the knowledge that the woman who was supposed to help him might kill him instead.

"Pull it together, you're a man, not a child," William told himself. "If she stakes you, you can go back to Heaven."

That was an attractive idea. "Heaven," he mused, "Why can't I go back? I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be a vampire," he thought sadly to helpself.

A meaty hand clamped down on his shoulder, tearing William back from the door. He stumbled and fell to the ground with Xander towering menacingly over him.

"What the hell are you doing here? Come to finish?" Sprinkles of spittle to rain down on William as Xander yelled.

"Wh-what do you mean?"

Xander growled, "I mean rape. Are you here to rape Buffy? She stopped you the first time, but you can't keep a bad vamp down, can ya?"

William's eyes went wide and his mouth opened and shut without words passing his lips.

Buffy came out, drawn by the noise. "Xander? What's wrong?" Her eyes landed on William. "What are you doing here?"

Dawn stood in the doorway, watching with mixed emotions as William lay distressed on the grass. "What happened?" she asked softly.

"Please, help me. I- I'm so confused. I don't know what's going on. I can't remember…." William trailed off and his eye went unfocused as memories taunted him, lying just beyond his reach.

Xander nudged him in the ribs with the toe of his work boots. "How stupid do you think we are? Your little act isn't going to save your sorry as—"

"Xander," Buffy hissed. "Not in front of Dawn."

William began to rise, only to be kicked in the chest by Xander. He fell back and gasped for air, though he knew his dead lungs didn't need it.

"Chill, Xander. Buffy will kick his ass if he tries anything." Dawn smothered the impulse to run to her ex-friend's side. She knew what he tried to do to Buffy, she couldn't forgive that easily.

Buffy cried, "Dawn! Language. Watch it."

"Buffy," William tried, "Please, I- I need you—"

Xander cut him off. "You disgusting…." He went to kick him, but William rolled away from the blow.

He leapt to his feet and quickly ran around Xander, keeping away from the larger man. Xander jumped at him and William dodged. Xander threw a sloppy punch, and William twisted and jerked his head to the side, successfully avoiding the fist. He was amazed at his own body. Never had he ever moved like this. His body was sure of each movement even if he wasn't.

"Stop it!" Buffy ordered. Both men paused and looked at her. "What is going on here? Spike, explain or get the hell off my property."

William wanted to point out that he had been trying to explain, but he wisely held his tongue. "I have almost no memory of the last… hundred and… thirty-two? No, no, twenty-two." He nodded his head. "Yes, a hundred and twenty-two years."

Buffy snorted, "Are you kidding me?"

William's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "I assure this is the truth. I don't remember anything after ascending to Heaven."

Buffy shook her head. "Wow, you actually thought I'd accept that line of bull. Really, Spike, do I come off as that dumb?"

"William."

"What?"

"Please, call me William. Spike makes me feel… uneasy. I don't know why I picked that name, but I can't imagine it's a very nice reason."

"You're really sticking to this story, aren't you?"

William sighed. "It is not a story. All I know about what has happened here while I was in Heaven is that I fell in love with you and, of course, had a demon pull me … my soul… umm… dear lord, I'm very confused."

Xander mumbled, "Count me in. I have no friggin' clue what you're talking about."

"It's not like I was briefed before being forced back into my body. I'm not sure what's happening, or what happened to me. I feel like myself, and I feel like I was the one doing the few things I remember doing as a vampire. But I also feel as though it was me in Heaven. I just… I just want to go back to Heaven."

William's eyes teared up. He really just wanted to be held by someone and have himself a good cry.

There was a tug on Buffy's heartstrings when William tried, and failed to pull himself together. She pushed the feeling away, like she did with all of the feelings she had for him. She set her face into a neutral, straight lipped mask.

"What do you mean you were in Heaven?"

William swallowed. She sounded so cold. "M-my soul, when the demon invaded I went to Heaven. Now it… I am back. I'm not sure if I am my soul or my body, I feel like… both, but neither?"

Buffy was shocked. He got his soul? She shook off the flutter in her chest. "I'll take you on your word. For now. But I want you to talk to Giles. You're going to tell him everything. No holding back, no stupid rambling." Buffy turned without getting his consent, and walk back into the house. Dawn and Xander followed after her.

William didn't move. He spent a long moment staring at his shoes, composing himself and brushing the tears from his eyes. "Everything is so cruel. Everybody is cruel," he whispered.

"It's probably because you tried to hurt Buffy. I mean, Xander never liked you, but he wouldn't hit you like that. Not before."

William looked up, startled by the soft voice. Dawn stood halfway between him and the house.

"People have always been cruel to me. Since I was a child I've had the other boys bullying me." He looked away and continued. "I wright poetry, I don't fight. I have always been treated cruelly. Except in Heaven. I was safe there, happy, loved."

Dawn frowned. "I don't know what's going on, but as long as you don't hurt people, the people I love, I won't be cruel."

William took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I know. I don't, but I do. I- I feel it." When he opened his eyes she was in front of him.

"Come on, Buffy's waiting. She's gonna make you talk to Giles." She took William's hand and tugged gently.

He followed her, a smile forming on his lips. 'She cares about me. It makes being here easier. I hope I don't mess up. I don't think I could take losing the one friend I have in the whole world.'

"Um, who's Giles?"

Dawn lifted her eyebrow. "You really don't remember anything?"
"That's what I've been saying. Why does everybody think I'm joking, or lying?"

Dawn closed the door before addressing William. "Because your story, what you've told us of it; sounds nuts."

William blinked. "Nuts? What…? I have no clue what you are referring to."

"Crazy, Spike, you sound cuckoo."

"Oh. I am of sound mind, I assure you." He wanted to remind her to call him William, but he was afraid it would make her mad.

"Okay, but… you got your soul? Really? And you don't know what's going on?"

"Yes. That is why I'm in this position. I swear on the Queen's honor, if I ever figure out what's happened I'll do a dance."

Dawn laughed and dragged him into the living room. "You sound like Giles."

"But who is he?" William asked again.

"He's Buffy's Watcher. Hey, how do you know us and not Giles?"

He sat on one end of the sofa and Dawn occupied the other. "I don't remember you, not entirely. I know I care about you, and that I care about Buffy, but there is very little I actually remember. The only reason I'm here is because of a man. He said the—the Powers had sent him to guide me here."

Dawn popped a piece of gum in her mouth and chewed in noisily. "What was his name?"

"Whistler. At least that is the name he told me. I don't believe that it is his given name. Umm, what is a Watcher?"

"Oh boy. This is going to be a long conversation."

Buffy walked in, a grim look on her face. "Giles is on his way to Sunnydale. We have an apocalypse on our hands."

Buffy and Dawn had set up the cot in the basement for him, and that's where he laid, fully clad in his black jeans and tee.

"Go to sleep," he scolded himself. "It's far too late for you to be awake."

He jerked upright when he heard the creek of weight on the old wooden stairs. His eyes searched the darkness, finally revealing Buffy.

"You always talk to yourself, or is this a new flavor of crazy?" Buffy sat on the bottom step, her arms crossed over her chest. "Can't sleep?"

William leaned his back against the wall, taking a deep breath and attempted to look at ease. Buffy made him nervous, and just because she was a beautiful woman. "No, I'm afraid I can't." He brushed invisible lint from his shirt. "I suppose you can't either?"

Buffy shook her head. "Too much going on in my head, what's you're excuse?" It was a joke, but it came out flat and made William think that she would rather chew glass than have a conversation with him. It made him wonder why she was here in the first place.

"Can't seem to get settled…." He decided to share his dilemma with her. "Memories, they're in here," he tapped his temple, "I can feel them, but I can't grab hold of them. It's infuriating."

An awkward silence covered the room, making Buffy twitch and search for a topic. "So, Heaven, huh?"

William nodded. "Yes."

"How long were you up there?"

"A- a long time. You… um, you were up there too?"

She shifted on the hard step, her eyes glued to a dark stain on the cement floor. She wondered how long it has been there, what caused it and if it can be cleaned up.

William watched Buffy's face go from uneasy to blank. "If you don't want to talk about it I'll understand."

"I died for my sister, mostly. Them too, though. Because I loved—love them."

William stayed silent, letting Buffy continue.

"I was happy up there. Safe. Then they pulled me back, and I wasn't in Heaven anymore. I was in hell."

"I understand."

"I understand" Those two words filled Buffy with anger, with relief, and numbness. Everybody always Understands. If her friends truly understood then they wouldn't hold her up on the high pedestal that they did. A pedestal she'd surely fall from. William, though, he truly understood. He was in Heaven. A lot longer than her. And he was pulled from it. Supposedly.

"Yeah," Buffy said, bereft of a better answer.

Her gaze crawled across the wall until she reached his face. She stopped, her breath hitched in her throat as his gentle eyes connected with hers. She wanted to kiss him, to feel his hands on her body again. A shudder of revulsion ran through her and she broke away from his hypnotic eyes, disgusted with herself.

"I should go." Without pause Buffy stood and mounted the stairs quickly leaving William to his own devices.

William scrubbed his fingers through his hair. His feelings for Buffy befuddled him and left him feeling empty. He sucked air into his lungs, holding it for a moment before releasing it.

"I…think I should go to sleep." He fell back down on the cot and squeezed his weary lids shut. He did his damnedest to ward off vivid images of Buffy and him, but it was evident that he was in a losing battle.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Giles took off his glasses and rubbed them tiredly with his cloth. He had another apocalypse to help prevent. What a busy year, Giles thought. I need a new line of work.

The plane shuddered and Willow's head lolled onto his shoulder, shaking him from his self-pity. He placed his glasses back on and studiously studied Willow's face. She looked so innocent in her sleep. Like a little girl. It pained him to know that she was stripped of her innocence by magicks. That she took a human's life not four months before. He blamed himself. He knew he should have been there for her. To protect her. To protect them all.

Willow's nose scrunched up and she buried her face into his arm, mumbling, "No, no more CDs SpongeBob."

Giles smiled, chuckling softly. At least she was blessed with a fairly good dream this time. It was more than he could say. Every time he closed his eyes he was plagued by "what ifs" and "should haves."

She fussed more and Giles ran a soothing hand down her arm. "Hush, now Willow. There will be no more CDs, I promise."

She calmed and wrapped her arms around his. Clinging to him as a small child would cling to her parent.

With Willow lulled back into her dream Giles' mind found its way back to the cryptic prophesy, and the impending doom. He wanted to be in his leather study chair with a glass of brandy translating said prophesy further; instead he was crammed into an uncomfortable airplane chair for the rest of the hellish ten hour ride.

"Giles," Willow moaned, fear lining her voice, "helllp."

He felt her grip turn vice-like as whatever nightmare she was suffering became worse.

"Willow." He shook her shoulder but she stayed firmly trapped in her torturous slumber. "Willow, wake up darling." He shook her harder.

Her eyes shot open and she took in a shuddering breath before breaking down. She hugged Giles the best she could in the awkward position of their seats, and sobbed.

He wrapped his arm around her, kissing the top of her head and whispering empty pleasantries. He was far past being uncomfortable with her. He was awoken by her cries of terror almost every night since he had taken her back to England with him. Every time he ended up holding her until she fell back to sleep.

"It's alright, Willow. Just a dream."

"I- He was here. He hurt me."

He knew she was talking about Warren. It was always Warren, and he always did one thing or another to her. Giles hugged her tighter.

"I'm here, Willow. He won't hurt you."

She cried a while longer, only stopping when sleep over took her again.

"I'm here, Willow. I'll protect you."

Giles rest his head on top of hers, holding her like a little girl. He was determined to fulfill his promise of protecting her. None of his children would be hurt ever again.

The Master rolled his hand in fast, impatient circles. His childe rushed to him and knelt by his feet. Her short blonde hair hid her pretty face from view as she bowed her head.

"Yes, Master?" asked Darcy, his newest, and eager childe.

"Dinner?"

She scrunched her face in confusion. "What, Master?"

The Master sighed. He truly missed Darla. Every childe since only proved more incompetent than the last, eager or not. "My dinner, where is she?"

Her features smoothed out as she realized what he wanted. "Oh! Its … urm." She whipped her head around and barked at the tall, broad vampire that stood near the entrance to her sire's chambers. "Bring The Master his dinner, you useless pile of decaying flesh. Less I tie you up and flense you of your skin!"

The minion rushed out, tripping on the rug, barely keeping his feet.

The Master had to respect his childe's penchant for threats and insults. Still, she'd never replace his dearest childe, and Angel would pay for dusting her. After. After he watched the twinkle of life drain out of the Slayer's eyes.

The minion came back into the room, dragging a curvy brunette with him. He presented the girl with a shaky glance at Darcy.

The Master rubbed the cheek of the young sobbing girl in front of him. "Hush, child. Don't worry, I'm not in the mood to play with my food tonight."

Spurred by his words she shook and fought to get away, screaming, "Let go you sicko! Help! Get off me!"

He grabbed her, easily snapping her neck. "Good god, why do they always put up such a fight?"

He pulled her to his chest and sank his teeth into her neck, letting her life fill him. Soon it would be slayer's blood on his tongue, and he would bathe in it.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

William was forced from his sleep by Dawn, who pushed at his arm. He sucked air in. Residual fear from his dream sent a shudder down his spine.

"You okay?" Dawn asked, quirking an eyebrow.

William shook his head clear, sitting up. "Uhm, uh, yes. I'm fine. Why?"

"Cuz you were totally yelling in your sleep. Loud. It woke up the whole house!"

He pressed his palms against his eyes, suppressing a yawn. "What time is it?"

"Two."

He rubbed his forehead. "Two in the morning? I'm sorr-"

"Two in the afternoon."

He looked at her incredulously. "Two? And you were still asleep?"

Dawn skipped to the staircase. "I wasn't, Buffy, Giles and Willow were. Giles and Willow got in really early. They needed a nap. Are you going back to sleep, or do want to come up for breky?"

William tried and failed to decipher her question. "Erm, what?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Breakfast. Do you want to come up and have some?"

He ahhed at the revelation, nodding. "Yes, I would love some."

"Great, come up when you're ready, I'll make you your breakfast."

She raced up the stairs and William slowly climbed to his feet. He stretched and filled his lungs with unneeded air before following after her. He felt Xander's cold glare as soon as he left the semi sanctuary of the basement.

"Good morning," William said with a polite tilt of his head.

"Whatever." Xander hunched over the breakfast counter, studiously reading his Spiderman vs. The Dare Devil comic book.

Dawn popped a grape into her mouth and brought William a mug of warm, red liquid. "Here ya go. Breakfast a la pig." She wrinkled her nose in distaste and handed to Garfield mug to him.

William gawked at the offering. Somewhere deep down he craved it, but more than anything the idea of drinking it made him sick. He pushed it back.

"You can't truly expect me to drink that?"

She pushed it back at him as she talked. "Yup, drinky drinky. You'll need your strength. Giles is going to be down soon, and he'll want to question you."

William made a face, but took the mug and quickly downed its contents. It was thick and warm, but didn't taste nearly as bad as he thought it would.

"Wait a minute," Xander said, pushing up. "Where did you get blood?"

Dawn shrugged. "I knew Spike would be hungry, so I went out and got some for him when you guys were all distracted with Willow and Giles."

William's heart warmed. She cared enough for him to go out of her way to make sure he had something to eat.

Xander sneered, "Yeah, 'cause we really care about your sister's rapist."

Pain passed over William's features. He couldn't remember ever hurting her, and he couldn't imagine ever doing such a thing, but he could say the same for being vampire. The idea of raping a girl made him sick.

"Oh, you don't like to hear this, do you? Good. I should have staked you the second I saw you last night. It would have saved Buffy from having to see your ugly mug."

First there was a tickle at the edge of his memory, but the feeling grew surer and then thunder cracked in William's skull. He gasped as imagines flew pass his eyes. Feelings through his chest. Buffy in a robe, Buffy pushing at him and begging him to stop, her face, the tears, the anger and pain of rejection fuelling him and pushing him further. He needed to show her. Have her.

William rushed to the sink just before the blood he had consumed found its way back out. His shoulders heaved and his body shook with effort, still he saw Buffy begging. Nothing would erase that scene from his mind.

Dawn raced to his side. "Spike, are you okay?" She turned on the faucet, splashing cool water on his face and rubbed circles against his back. "What happened?"

He wanted to cry, but bit back the tears and continued to hunch over the sink. He didn't think his legs would take his weight, or he would have run out into the sunlight.

"I—I did…Tried to…" He couldn't bring himself to say anything.

Dawn took his arm and forced him to stand with the help of her shoulder. She tried to get him to the living room, but he refused to go, instead he pulled away, and back to the counter, slid to the kitchen floor.

"Spike, please."

The words shook him to his core. It was too much like Buffy's plea. He covered his ears and tried in vain to block out the noises in his head.

Xander stood near the table, shocked silent. He didn't know how William would react to his taunting, but he didn't think it would be like that. He almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

"Dawn, leave him."

"There's something wrong! He needs help."

Xander grabbed her arm and pulled her to her feet. "Let 'im burn for all I care."

Dawn struggled as Xander dragged her into the living room. He pushed her to the couch and kneeled in front of her.

"Dawn he's not a good guy. He tried to rape Buffy. What if he decided you were more his type? Could you fight off a vampire? What if he wanted Willow or Anya? The only reason Buffy wasn't raped is because she was strong enough to stop him. Whether he's playing at soulful or not, that man, that monster tried to force himself on your sister."

Dawn stopped struggling. His words had the desired effect. She doubted William. She felt less inclined to run to his side and help him.

"What's going on?" Buffy asked from the entrance to the room. "I heard some commotion."

Dawn looked at Xander. "Nothing. Spike was having some trouble keeping down breakfast."

Buffy chortled, missing their silent exchange. "Well if you made it, then I don't blame him."

Dawn scoffed and stood. "And what's wrong with my cooking?"

"You added anchovies to an omelet."

Their bickering continued as they moved to the kitchen. Dawn's eyes flickered to where she left William, but he wasn't there.

"I thought you said William was up?" Buffy looked around for the vampire.

"He, uh, was. Maybe he isn't feeling well. He did spit out his blood."

Xander walked in behind them. "Maybe that's because its blood. I mean, yuck."

"Yeah," Buffy nodded in agreement, "that stuff tastes nasty."

Xander and Dawn blink at her in a questioning stare.

"What?"

"Have you, I don't know, tasted blood before?" Xander asked.

Buffy snorted, but the light blush crawling up her cheeks gave her away. "No! Why would I have tasted blood? I mean, I've tasted my own, being punched in the face can cause that."

Dawn knew she was lying, but chose to let it pass for now. "Want some non-anchovied omelet? I'll make it."

Giles cleared his throat as he joined them in the kitchen. "Is Spike around? I'd like to get his debriefing out of the way."

Buffy closed her eyes and sent out her senses, a minute later she looked at the basement door. "He's down there. And Giles, he feels different."

"Erm, okay?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "My slayer senses, Giles. You know, the tinglies and stuff? He feels different than he did before."

Giles himmed and hawed, slightly embarrassed to have been caught off guard. "Umm, Yes, quite. I uh, I knew you meant that."

He started downstairs, closing the door behind him.

It was dark, but the small window let in enough indirect sunlight to allow him to see William on the cot, scrawling furiously on a pad of paper.

"Spike?"

William's head snapped up and his eyes widened. He quickly hid the paper under his covers. "Y-Yes? You're Giles?"

Giles noted the slight change in his accent; he sounded more like Wesley than Spike. "Yes, I am. You remember me?"

William shook his head. "Dawn said you'd be coming to talk to me."

"Ahh, I see. Buffy told me that you have your soul?"

William's head bobbed up and down in confirmation.

"But you don't have your memory of anything?" He sat on the cot with the supposedly souled vampire.

William shifted uncomfortably. "I have some memories."

Giles straightened his glasses and gave William a good look over, noting slight changes like his hair fading more brown than white, and the shy way he moved. Very little about William seemed like Spike.

"Do you remember how you came by your soul?"

He nodded again.

"Well?" William only gave him a confuse puppy eyed look. "How did it happen?" Despite himself, Giles found his patience growing thin with the young looking, decade old vampire.

"It's blurry, I don't remember too much."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

William nodded.

"Oh bloody hell. Will you tell me how it happened! Or have you been stuck dumb?"

William stuttered before he gathered the faculties needed for speech. "N-No."

"No? No you will not tell me?"

"What? No! I mean that no, I can speak." Giles rolled his fingers, indicating that William should continue. This didn't work. William watched his hand and furrowed his brow as though in deep thought.

"Spike, please, I haven't had any tea yet this morning. I don't care to sit in you company longer than needed."

William blinked, pulling himself out of his thoughts. "I, well you see, Spike—that is I got my soul."

Giles glared. "I know that part, thank you."

"There were trials. Lots of them. It's one of the only things I remember. The trials were cruel

and painful. I almost gave up and left several times. But I knew that I needed the soul. I had to win it."

Giles' eyes widened. "You… won your soul?"

William didn't know why it was hard to believe. "Yes, is there something wrong with that?" he asked with a doe-eyed expression.

"No, just, erm, shocking." Giles pinched the bridge of his nose. "You have a note book and pen." It wasn't a question.

William sheepishly pulled the items out from under the blankets. "I- I was drawing."

"I don't care. I want you to write down all the details about the trials and how you gained your soul. Bring them to me upstairs when you're done. I'm going to have some breakfast."

Giles turned his back on William and mounted the stairs stiffly. If Spike really gained his soul, won it, Giles' whole view on the demon world would be turned on its head. He almost hoped that William was lying. He didn't want any more greys in his world of black and white.