~†~Slipped Away~†~

-A/N- Story title and song lyrics all copyright to Avril Lavigne. Listening to this song reminded me of Season 5’s “The Gift”. Part of this fic will be centered on Spike‘s feelings, up until he finally finds out Buffy has returned from the dead, which will be slightly later than the original story line. Hope you like it, leave some feedback please :)

-Other- It really helps to hear this song on repeat when you read this fic, if anyone wants it for that purpose, IM me on AIM at: the arcane raven

Spike knelt in front of Buffy’s grave fighting back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes once again. He set a single white rose on top of her headstone and then traced the engraved letters of her name, wishing that she were actually sitting in front of him. One thing he was glad for was that they had cleared up their differences before this had happened. She had allowed him into her home and didn't reply with any mean comebacks when he said she treated him like a man.

His tears were flowing now, dropping onto the freshly packed soil. He hated himself for not saving her. Hated himself more than he hated anything or anyone in his entire existence. He had watched all night outside her living room window as her friends had sat awake in the living room and wept. Wept for the most amazing woman they had ever known. Dawn sat Indian style in the middle of the floor with her head in her hands. Spike felt so terrible for letting this happen to Dawn. She needed Buffy more than any of them did.

Spike moved and sat leaning against her gravestone, hoping that she didn’t mind. “Couldn’t let me go instead, could you?” The image of her lying broken on top of the debris that night was forever burned into his mind. He saw it when he slept, when he was awake, when he cried, when he would speak. It was always there...

~†~
I miss you
I miss you so bad
I don’t forget you
Oh it’s so sad
~†~

Nothing would ever be the same in his, or any of her friends lives. Nothing would be the same in Sunnydale. A new slayer would soon be showing her face. A new slayer who more than likely didn’t have a soft spot in her heart for a vampire like him. He would stand no chance against a new slayer and in the event that they stood in a duel, he would surrender without a fight and let her kill him.

~†~
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day that I found
It won’t be the same
~†~

With his eyes closed he knew someone was close by. He felt the familiar presence and slowly reopened his eyes, seeing Dawn standing in front of him, her face soaked from her tears. With his eyes he told her it was okay that she sit next to him and she did just that.

Dawn had tissues in her hand and she was shaking. Spike didn’t know what to do or say that would possibly comfort this girl and put her feelings at ease so he chose not to say anything at all.
He soon forgot that Dawn was even there and he went back to his own thought. He tried to push away her funeral and her burial and bring forth all the good times. Anytime that they hadn’t fought Spike considered a good time. Like when she fed him from a mug while he was chained in Giles tub or when she gave him a thankful kiss as a reward for not telling Glory her biggest secret.

~†~
I didn’t get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can’t
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
~†~

By the time he turned his head to see how Dawn was doing, she was gone. He had gotten so lost in the thoughts of Buffy that he hadn’t even noticed that Dawn had left. She was probably the wise one. Didn’t spend every chance she got at this particular place in the cemetery. On that thought, he stood up and turned once more to look at her name on the marble stone. “Love you, pet.” He whispered and then walked away.

Almost four months later Spike awoke in his crypt on the floor surrounded by bottles of Jack D and empty mugs which once held blood. His head ached and he instantly regretted drinking so much. “Stupid git..” He said to himself as he attempted to pull himself up off of the cold floor.

Taking a look around his place he realized how much he hated it. It disgusted him to come home to this dank crypt knowing that Buffy wouldn't be there ready to pick a fight with him. Every thought in his mind always somehow lead to her. He needed to get away from Sunnydale. Away from his every painful memory. Of course he knew it was impossible to escape the memories just by moving away, everyone knew that.

He left his crypt and began walking into the chilly September night. Where he ended up surprised him a little. It was his Grand Sire’s favorite place, Kingman’s Bluff. The view was beautiful, especially how the city sparkled. Sparkled just like Buffy once had.

~†~
I’ve had my wake up
Won’t you wake up
I keep asking why
I can’t take it
It wasn’t fake
It happened you passed by
~†~

He looked up into the starry sky and wished that the sun would rise faster. He wanted this pain to be over with. Buffy literally kept him alive and now that she wasn’t here, he had no reason and no ability to live. Soon it would be over as the sun peeked over the hill. Its warm rays would soak him and burn him for the first time in over a hundred years and for the last time ever.

~†~
Now you’re gone
There you go
Somewhere I can’t bring you back
~†~

Back at the Summer’s house, the group sat around the sofa. Sat around a newly born slayer. A slayer born from the dead. Their slayer, their sister, their friend. They welcomed her back to the Earth after banishing her from the Hell that they assumed she resided in. It was all too much for Buffy. The way they crowded her, the confusing questions they asked, the looks on their faces. She couldn’t take it all. “Look, guys... I know.. I know you care and.. I’m thankful but, but I need to take a walk.. gather my thoughts before I can.. answer all of your questions.” She got up and left the house before they had a chance to stop her.

“We pushed too hard...” Willow managed to say among the silence.

~†~
I miss you...
~†~

Spike was now sitting dangerously close to the edge of the hill. Wondering why it didn’t kill vampires to jump from such a high distance. He had to dig the heels of his boots into the dirt to keep from getting up and jumping anyway. “Bloody rise already you stupid sod of a star!” He yelled into the sky.

“It’s not time yet...” The tiny voice slammed into his mind like a freight train at full speed. His head snapped around to see her standing there with her arms vulnerably wrapped around herself and the wind lightly combing through her hair.

Spike didn’t believe his eyes. He blinked and rubbed them and after all of that, she was still there. “Buffy...” He felt tears asking permission to fall again but somehow found the strength to push them away. He stood slowly and only walked one step towards her, not wanting to scare he off. “You’re...”

She looked to the ground feeling as if a million people were watching her. Being around Spike made her feel instantly better because he didn’t bombard her with questions or jump up and down with happiness. “I’m back. Willow brought me back.” Buffy didn’t know what brought her here to this place. Something led her to Spike, some sort of connecting force.

Not understanding why they didn’t tell him they were bringing her back brought his face to a scrunched up expression which soon softened when he dismissed the thoughts for later pondering. “How.. how are you feeling?” He wanted so badly to run to her and breathe in the scent of her hair and feel the softness of her cheek with the back of his hand.

“I feel... I feel like I need you to hold me.” At that moment she lifted her head and he saw that she was silently crying. Not wasting a second, he walked to her and put his arms gently around her as she clung to him as if he were the only thing keeping her from falling.

Being in his embrace felt like being back in Heaven. Soft and comforting, safe and secure. She wanted to stay there forever. “This feels like where I was...” She whispered into his ear.

This confused him and he held her closer. Where she was? “Where was that, love?” He needed to ask that one thing. It was an inevitable question.

“Heaven.”




-Disclaimer- All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I just wrote the story, don’t sue me.

Reviews would be awesome :)

~†~Don’t Tell Me~†~

-A/N- Song title and lyrics copy right to Avril Lavigne, I’m just borrowing it. I didn’t use all the lyrics in this one, as it’s not a long chapter. Hope you guys like. I decided to turn this into a chapter story after getting feedback that I should. So I decided to base all of the chapters on songs from Avril’s album since the lyrics are so good. Overall I’m pretty sure there will be 13 chapters.


That was by far the nicest thing Buffy had ever said to him. To tell him that being in his arms felt like Heaven, Hell, she might as well have said she loved him. To him it was much the same. One of his hands tangled in her golden locks as the other wrapped around her lower back, he hugged her close to him while she cried on his shoulder.

She pulled back and looked at him then, her eyes pleading for something neither of them understood. “Everyone was so pushy back at home. They all wanted all of the details at the very second that they saw me. Didn’t give me a chance to figure out where I am and how I got here.”

“They don’t understand, love. You can’t blame them.” Of course she could blame them, they needed to back off, but his angst wasn’t something she needed to hear right now. “They don’t know what it’s like to be brought back from the dead. To have to claw your way back from... wherever it is you were, I think it’s different for everyone.”

It was a nice feeling that at least he understood if no one else would or could for that matter. “Guess that’s one thing we have in common...” She looked away from his eyes and looked forward at the tearstain she left on his shirt.

Spike looked at her with an expression of sympathy. His face could have been featured on a Hallmark sympathy card, that’s how much he showed towards her. “As much as it will be hard to do Pet, you’ll have to educate them about where you were. It’s best not to wait, you might forget something important.”

“I’ll never forget that place.” She replied quietly. “But you’re right. I can’t keep them waiting forever; they’ve lived without me long enough.” Buffy reluctantly stepped backwards slightly, pulling herself out of his surprisingly warm embrace. “Walk me home?”

Without hesitation, Spike obliged with a nod. His arm went around her shoulders so she wouldn’t lose that safe feeling while walking through the dark town. Spike took their comfortable silence as a chance to do some thinking. Just earlier today and all of the days leading up to this day starting from when she died, he’d been a mess. Believed that he’d never again see his slayer. And now here he was, walking her home.

Taking her back to her family. Her family who had the nerve to pull her out of the Heaven that she’d been accepted into. Pulled her out of there because they were too weak to survive on their own. Selfish bloody sods they were. The only one he felt for was Dawn. Yet still that was no reason to bring Buffy back. They could have taken care of Dawn just as well.

None of that mattered now, though. Because she was back and there was nothing anyone could do about it now. Before he knew it, they had stopped. Stopped in front of her home. The lights in the upstairs were the only ones on in the house. Maybe they were fixing her room, he thought.

“Well this is it.” Buffy turned to face him. “Thank you, Spike. I really appreciate... I mean..” It was then that he took her back into his arms one last time.

“I know, love. I know.” He looked deep into her eyes, seeing nothing but pain. New pain. She was suffering all sorts of bad. He wished he could just go inside with her and hold her while she slept, but he knew she would never ask him to come because of the scrutiny of her friends.

Buffy pushed herself up slightly on her tiptoes and placed a soft kiss on his lips. To Spike it felt like a thank you kiss, but he enjoyed just the same. Buffy wasn’t sure what she meant by it, but she did know that it was something good. Something that she needed to feel at that moment.

~†~
You held my hand
and walked me home, I know
You gave me a kiss
It was something like this
and made me go “oh oh”
~†~

Spike caught a tear that escaped from her eye and she smiled sweetly at him but her smile soon turned into a frown. He looked at her, a little confused, and then he noticed that she was looking past him at something. Turning slightly he saw what she was looking at he rolled his eyes. “Bloody Hell.”

“Blondie Bear!” Harmony exclaimed as she approached Spike with a stupid grin and slut-bag outfit. Buffy wasn’t impressed. “Where’ve you been? I was looking for you to ask you about tonight, am I still coming over?” She asked seductively.

“Christ, Harm. In this country it’s illegal to stalk a guy you know? Of course you don’t know..” He added quickly, expressing how stupid he thought she was. He didn't’ even want to know how this felt to Buffy, but he somehow knew that what they had just shared was gone and out the sodden window.

~†~
You wiped my tears
got rid of all my fears
Why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn’t enough
to take up some of my love
Guys are so hard to trust
~†~

Buffy stood listening to them for about 3 minutes before she walked quickly away. She could feel two sets of eyes on her back as she walked down the path to her house.

After she trusted him to be the only one that could make her feel better about being back on the planet, Harmony had to show up. She wasn’t surprised, to say the least, in fact she almost expected him to find Harmony again after she died because he was Spike, but she didn’t want to have to hear what she heard. After all what she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her, right?

The last thing she heard before walking in her door was Spike yelling at Harmony. “You’ll never hear the end of this you stupid chit!” And then she heard his boots clomp across the street followed by the sound of Harmony’s Stiletto’s. It made Buffy sick to her stomach.

~†~
Did I not tell you
that I’m not like that girl
the one who throws it all away
-
I’m better off alone anyway...
~†~

She stalked up to her room silently; hoping no one would hear or see her. Much to her luck, they didn’t and she snuck into her room and hit the bed face first, crying into the pillows.


Reviews would be nice :) I’ll still update whether you do or not tho ;)

~†~ He Wasn’t ~†~

-A/N- Song title and lyrics copyright to Avril Lavigne.


Buffy was crushed. Even though it was only Harmony, but Spike still slept with her regardless of that fact. Buffy didn’t know why she was so jealous. She had never liked Spike before but for some reason, now she felt like he was all she had left because she could tell him the truth without getting negative feedback. He would accept her feelings for what they were and try to help her through them. She had trusted him. Ever since he kept Dawn a secret from Glory in return for getting beat up.

That was partly why she didn’t know whether or not to be mad at him. Sitting up in her bed she sniffled, her nose now fairly stuffy from crying so much. She looked around her room and nothing felt right. Nothing about her home felt right. Here she was, living again, because her friends didn’t get their facts straight before jumping into the witchcraft. She looked at their photos and she didn’t even know them.

That’s why she chose not to be mad at Spike. Despite tonight’s happenings, she still wished he were there with her. Comforting her the best he could but thanks to that stupid blonde bimbo, here she was, alone in her room, sitting quietly on her bed.

Buffy wasn’t looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow would be filled with nothing but hardness. Her soul was hard now. The world was hard. If Hell existed, the world was it. In Heaven she was at peace and she could look over her friends and make sure they were okay and if they weren’t she could somehow intercept and make sure things worked out in their favor.

Was there a point in crying over it? She thought. Probably not but she was so confused. She felt so lost in her own world and still at the end of all of these thoughts, was Spike. She wanted to be around him now more than ever. She didn’t want to talk to her friends, she wanted to talk to Spike and she wanted to talk to him now.

Buffy gathered a few things, pajamas, slippers, a book, a stake, and Mr. Gordo. She put her belongings into a green duffle bag and tossed it out onto the roof and just as she was about to go out the window, there was a soft knock on her door. She sighed and stepped back into her room and closed the curtains. “Yeah?” She said as she sat on her bed softly as to not seem obvious that she was about to sneak out.

Watching the door open, Buffy watched Dawn walk in. “Hey, Buffy.” Dawns hands were nervously hidden behind her back. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Um.. sure.” Buffy loved her sister and it wasn’t that she didn’t want to see her, but she didn’t want to talk to her. It felt weird, weird that Dawn was standing in front of her when just a few hours ago she was looking down on Dawn from the heavens above.

Dawn sat on the edge of Buffy’s bed. “I just wanted to tell you how much I missed you and... how glad I am that you’re back.” She offered a smile to her sister, hoping that talking to her in this soft thankful way would make her feel a little more comfortable about being alive again.

But Buffy was lost inside. “I missed you too, Dawnie. I could see you from Hea--from where I was.” Buffy hoped that Dawn hadn’t caught her little slip up. That was the last thing she needed was for her sister to find out first.

“Were you...never mind.” Dawn decided against asking questions. She remembered how the others had rained questions on her earlier and she didn’t want Buffy to run away from her like she’d done earlier. “Do you need anything?”

“No, thanks Dawn. I just need to be alone right now.” The slayer smiled weakly. Unable to produce any sort of true smile. She lied to her sister, too. She didn’t want to be alone, but her sister was not who she wanted to be with.

Dawn was hurt a little by the fact that Buffy wouldn’t talk to her, but she did understand that she needed time to think. So she got up without a fight. “Okay, but if you need anything, you’ll ask me?”

“Of course.” Lie. She didn’t plan on going to any of them for help until she was able to look them in the eye again. She returned the hug that Dawn was giving her. She didn’t feel the hug, didn’t feel the warmth, didn’t feel hardly anything at all.

As soon as she was certain Dawn was back in her own room, Buffy headed out the window and jumped off the roof, duffel bag in hand. She hit the ground with a thud, she quickly turned to see if anyone in the house had heard and it seemed like they hadn’t so she headed off to her destination.

Walking down the street Buffy felt exposed. She felt paranoid and afraid. She didn’t know if she was strong enough to fight but she sensed the demons all around her and figured she would have to fight them at some point tonight.

~†~
This point of view is getting stale
~†~

Her town felt different than the way she had left it. It had gone and changed while she lay lifeless in her casket six feet under the Earth. It was a weird thing to think about. Being dead while the whole world still continues on around your burial ground. It was creeping her out.

As she was approaching the cemetery she noticed a slightly large group of vampires horsing around. Great. She thought. Oh double great.. she exclaimed to herself when one of them spotted her. There was no way she could take on all, she counted, seven of them. No way. One, maybe two, but not seven.

Taking off, she ran back towards home. Thankfully she hadn’t lost her speed and luckily just got inside in time to shut the door in the vamps face. On her side of the door she slid down to the floor letting out a relieved sigh. So much for going to see Spike.

Spike paced back and forth in his crypt. He couldn’t decide if he should go to her or not. He didn’t know if she’d want to see him after tonight. He did know one thing though; he was going to rip every hair and every fake nail off of that Barbie doll of a vampire, Harmony.

After nearly four months of being without Buffy he gets to see her once and now here was again, back at square one without her because he managed to bollocks things up again. “You really did it this time mate. Really buggered things all up and down and now ‘ere you are.. brooding and talkin’ to yourself like some sodden knock off of The Poofsta’” He finally sat down in his dilapidated armchair.

“I’ll jus’ ‘ave to let her come to me.” He decided with a stern nod.

~†~ Fall To Pieces ~†~

-A/N- Song title and lyrics copyright to Avril Lavigne.

Three days later after having made up a countless amount of lies to tell her friends, Buffy was able to escape. She had convinced them that she was ready to patrol again for it was her duty and she had to fulfill it. Actually she just wanted away from them. She didn’t even know what was real anymore. For all she knew, she was still dead and living in limbo. Funny how you can be dead and yet still “live” somewhere.

Her hair was tied up into a neat bun and her make up was soft. If she looked okay, people would probably assume she felt okay and therefore would leave her alone. Her outfit was simple, consisting of a comfy pair of worn blue jeans and plain black tank top and of course the traditional cross pendant necklace. She felt confident and at least she had that going for her.

The cemetery was dead, she declared with no pun intended. Suddenly she came to a halt and looked down. It was her gravestone and the dirt was still disturbed where she had pulled herself up and through. “Yeah ‘cause no one would think anything of that...” She mumbled sarcastically to herself.

“Prolly wouldn’t. This is the Hell Mouth remember?” Her eyes were averted upwards from the tombstone to find the peroxide blonde standing before her against a fairly large tree. “Anything’s possible.”

“Yeah.” She simply said. She almost forgot where she was until he mentioned it. Hell Mouth. It was Hell alright. “What do you want?” She crossed her arms the same why she always had when something annoyed her. Spike always found it kind of cute.

“Not a nice way to greet a fella.” He replied, taking a step towards her and noticing when she didn’t falter. She did roll her eyes though as if she knew what was coming next. Regardless, he felt that she needed to hear it anyway.

~†~
I looked away
Then I looked back at you
You tried to say
the things that you can’t undo
~†~

“If there’s going to be a point to what you’re going to be saying, please cut to the chase and just get to it.” Buffy demanded, not in the mood for waiting around, she had a job to do.

Well she obviously wasn’t in any type of good mood, he observed. Probably not the best time to sweet talk her, but it was worth a shot. “Look, Pet, I don’t know how you felt about the other night about what happened, but it’s been killing me.” He paused, making sure he had her attention and it appeared as if he did. “I’m really sorry. I never meant for that little twit to come bouncing over and run her big gob off. I didn’t mean for you to find out that way...”

Was he being honest? She questioned herself. Would he have really told her about Harmony if she hadn’t heard it for herself? There was no way to ever know. What could she do but forgive him and move on? Oh I know, she thought, punch him in the gut and run off crying. That wasn’t going to happen though, that would just prove she had a weakness, something she suddenly no longer wanted him to see if at all possible. “Fine. It’s over with, no big. Now I have to be going.”

Please Slayer, you should know it’s not that easy by now. “Buffy, please, wait.” He touched her arm to keep her from walking past him any further.
~†~
If I had my way
I’d never get over you
today is the day
I pray that we make it through
make it through the fall
make it through it all
~†~

When she was looking into his eyes he knew she was listening, or at least pretending to so he began again. “I can’t know how you’re feeling, about anything, but I can try to understand if you’ll just let me. Harmony is gone, I’ll be honest, I used her for a cheap alternative and I realized when you came back that there are no alternatives for you, Love. I just don’t want her to be the reason that we lose...” He paused. “Whatever it was that we had that night you returned.”

He was a real charmer, no doubt about that. With his gorgeous eyes and that smile that made her feel so much different about him. It took all of her strength not to jump back into his arms and cry on his shoulder again. She supposed she could give him another chance, she wanted to, needed to. “Okay, Spike.” When he tilted his head as if asking what she meant, she elaborated. “I’ll forget about your thing with Harmony if you...” She stopped, unsure if she wanted to say what was on her mind.

“If I...?” He questioned curiously.

“If you hold me tonight.” Oh Goddess what was she getting herself into? Falling for another vampire? She didn’t know but she also wasn’t doing much of anything to prevent it. Spike was being so kind to her and she loved it. Needed it. Cherished it.

“Anything you want, sweat heart.” He smiled warmly at her, not denying her anything. He was there for her and he wanted her to know that.

If honesty were to ever come out, it might as well show it’s face now. “I want to come home with you. I want to lay in your bed next to you and I want to feel as if I have no cares in the world, even if only for a little while.” Her voice diminished into a whisper near the end of her admission.

~†~
And I don’t want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
and I don’t want to talk about it
and I don’t want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don’t wanna talk about it
‘cause I’m in love with you
~†~

If that’s what she wanted then consider it done, he thought as he took her hand in his and guided her to his crypt, her crypt, their crypt, at least for the remainder of the evening. “What ever your heart desires is yours for the having.”

Once inside, Buffy was rather silent, contemplating what she’d just said. To Spike. She was insane, there was no other rational explanation for her to be standing in Spike’s crypt, confiding in him. Was there? Sure there was. She felt something. Something other than a sheer hatred for this planet. Something like... attraction? She was taken from her thoughts when he spoke. He spoke in a deep voice and his accent was thicker. Why, she did not know. Maybe it was some sort of happiness that she was there sort of deal.

“You hungry, Love? I’ve got some left over pizza and prolly some beer in the fridge.” By the looks of it she hadn’t eaten much of anything in a while, but what’d he know.

“No. I had a sandwich before I went out tonight. Thank you, though. I’d just like to lay down and... maybe get some sleep if you don’t mind be being here, that is.” Now she was just being shy. Of course he didn’t mind. He had ended up tracking her down anyway hadn’t he? Even after he said he’d let her come to him.

He chose not to be a smart ass about it though. Didn’t want to piss her off and make her leave. “Anything you want, Pet. You know where the sleeping quarters are, I’ll be down in a minute.”

She nodded and he watched her descend the ladder. He was actually a little scared to go down that ladder. Scared that he couldn’t give her what she needed, scared that she’d get scared and run out. It was his job to be strong for her though, so after a few minutes of musing over his feelings, he joined her in bed. She was already tucked in under the covers on the left side of the bed. His side of the bed. It was fine though, he’d let her have it tonight. Only because he loved her and would sacrifice anything for her.

Much to his surprise, she cuddled up to him before he even got the chance to hold her. She seemed very content where she was now and he liked that. Hated seeing her upset and stone cold towards everything. If she had to be alive she might as well make the best of it. She looked at him and smiled. The first genuine smile he’d seen on her in a long time, first one since that one time they were betrothed thanks to Willow’s little spell. She closed her eyes then and tried to fall asleep in his arms. This, tonight, was real magic.


~†~
You’re the only one
I’d be with till the end
when I come undone
you bring me back again
back under the stars
back into your arms
and I don’t wanna fall to pieces
~†~