The Show Must Go On
Summary: Post Chosen. Buffy POV. Buffy’s thoughts as they’re on the bus heading away from what’s left of Sunnydale. Contains small spoilers for season 5 of AtS
A/N: Thanks to Madame Draco for being an Ab Fab Beta!
Disclaimer: Joss, ME and FOX own it all, just the stories mine.
Rating: NC17


He’s gone. Spike’s gone. Two words that mean so much. I loved him and I realized it at exactly the wrong time.

No you don’t. But thanks for saying it.

Oh God. He died thinking I lied to him. How could he not believe me? I wouldn’t lie to him about something like that. But it doesn’t matter now because Spike’s gone.

How am I gonna cope? How can I go on without him? He was my strength. At times he was my weakness but in a good way.

He wasn’t supposed to die! He was supposed to live forever!

As I sit on this school bus, driving towards who knows where, I can’t help but think I have nothing left of him.

“Umm Buffy?” Oh God, it’s Andrew. He idolized Spike.

“Yes Andrew” Was that my voice? I was so choked I nearly couldn’t respond.

“Spike wanted me to give this to you, if he didn’t make it.” Andrew passed me an A4 envelope then he moved back to the front of the bus.

So here I am looking at it. And I’m scared. Beyond scared, I’m terrified.

I open it, almost afraid something will jump out and bite me. I reach in and pull out a folded piece of paper.

I open it up and almost start crying at the sight of his elegant handwriting.

Buffy, Luv,
Chances are if you’re reading this letter then I didn’t make it. But hopefully the world didn’t end and I died saving it.
I’m writing this while I watch you sleep and I……… God I never knew it would be so hard to write this.
You look so peaceful and knowing I helped get you there is……Well it’s an amazing feeling really.
I once told you my soul burns and I can’t tell you how true that is. It burns for you Luv and it always will.
I love you so much. I can’t put it into words. But please know that I do, with everything that I am.

In this envelope are all my keepsakes. I was wondering if you could do me a favour pet? Could you bury these for me? I mean, you can keep ‘em if you want and I’d prefer it if you did. But the choice is yours.
You might recognize a few of the things that are in here!

Anyway I better go now as we have a Big Bad to fight tomorrow. Also there’s a gorgeous girl in my bed and I’d hate to keep her waiting! *wink*

All my Love forever
William
Xxxxxxx


I couldn’t help it. I’m not made of stone you know! The tears wouldn’t stop. The minute I read the first line I was gone.

I reach back into the envelope and pull out the rest of the things. A photo of mom, Dawn and I. Dawn told me he used to carry it around with him after I died. A silver skull ring, that brings back so many memories. He gave it to me during Willow’s Thy Will be Done spell. We were so happy. I had never felt like that before, not even with Angel. But then it was over and we went back to hating each other. The last thing is a Gold pendant. On the front of it, the initials AR were engraved. It looks very expensive. I open it up and inside there are two very small black and white photographs. One is of a toddler with a mop of hair. The other is of a beautiful looking woman and a handsome young man. They both have a strong resemblance to Spike. And then it hit’s me. They must be his parents and the baby must be him.

I decide I want to keep them. I place the necklace around my neck and it falls almost over my heart. Which pleases me. It means Spike will always be close.

I curl up on the back, clutching his letter to me like a life line and drift to sleep.

“Spike, come home please. I can’t live without you” I scream.

“You don’t mean that Buffy” Spike whispers back.

“I do. I want you here, with me. I love you!” It was my last card to play.

“I’m, dead Buffy. My time is over. You don’t love me. You just want someone to hold onto when the going gets rough.”

“That’s not true! Not once have I lied to you about my feelings! I’m not lying now! Please, if you don’t believe me look at me!”

He walks towards to me and sees the pendant. His eyes fill with tears.

“It was my mum’s” he begins hesitantly. “She never took it off. When my da’ died she was a mess, we both were. I was 15 when it happened. He had TB. I died when I was 23, mum was extremely ill at the time. I loved my mum so much. She was always there for me, let me read her my awful poetry, listen to me go on about Cecily, she loved me. She had nothing left when I was turned. So I turned her and then I had to kill her. That nearly killed me, Buffy.” He was crying so much and I was too. I reached out to see if I could touch him and when my fingers encountered flesh, a sob escaped my mouth and I threw myself towards him. I wrapped my arms securely around his neck and buried my face there as well.

I could hear him breathe in the sent of my hair and it sent a small shiver down my spine. I pulled his head up towards mine and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

“It’ll be alright. I promise. I’m here with you. We’ll always be together, you and me.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“You’ll make it real? You’ll tell everyone? I won’t come back unless we can be together in every sense of the word!”

“I will, oh god, I swear I will! Just please come back to me!”

And that’s when I woke up. I nearly screamed when I saw Xander over me trying to get me up.

“Buff, are you awake?”

“I am now” I said a little too harshly.

“We’ve just pulled into a rest stop. Andrew was complaining that he needed to use the bathroom.”

“Oh right.” And with that I get up and walk away from him.

I use the bathroom as fast as I can, because I mean…….. Ewww! Then go into the shop. I grab a bag of chips and a bottle of soda then make my way to the checkout. As soon as I’ve paid I’m back on the bus. I can see Xander, Willow and Giles talking and from the looks of it one of them will be coming to talk to me, let’s see who pulls the short straw.

Looks like it’s Willow. As she walks towards me I wanna laugh. She looks so nervous, like we’re not best friends.

“Hey Buffy, how are you feeling?”

“Fine, Wills. What’s up?” My voice is distant as if I’m not really here.

“We were wondering where we were gonna head out to?”

“Are we near LA?”

“Yeah it’s about 20 minutes down the highway.”

“Lets go there. I need to speak to Angel, to tell him what happened and about Spike.”

I hear Dawns cell phone ring and I’m amazed it survived the battle.

“Buffy for what it’s worth I’m sorry.” Here come the tears again. No, I will not cry in front of them, I can be strong for a little while longer.

“Yeah, so am I.” And that’s it, she walks away. They don’t know how much it hurts. How much I regret not telling him I loved him sooner. How I wish we could’ve made love in those nights before the battle.

I close my eyes again until I hear Dawn scream and I’m instantly on guard. She’s on the phone and the only words I can hear are impossible…………Dead………a wreck… and that’s it. Sounds like me that last one. A wreck, that’s me. Just lost the love of my life so yeah, I’m a wreck.

I can’t stop thinking about that dream. Was it a dream? Was it real? Will he come back for me? Will he stay gone? All these questions running in my head and I wanna scream.

The bus comes to stop and I take a look around. We’re outside a large office building. I can see Angel standing outside it and that’s my cue. I push past everyone on the bus and run towards him. On my way, I break down.

I reach him with tears streaming down my face because it hits me again. Angel’s here. Spike’s not.

“Shhhh Buffy, it’ll be okay.” I hear him whisper.

“He’s gone Angel. He’s left me. I loved him so much and he’s not here!” I’m screaming. I can’t stop. I just want him here with me. Is that so much to ask?

“Buffy listen to me. It will be okay.” I can feel him carry me upstairs. I don’t remember much after that as I fell asleep.

With each thrust I’m nearing completion and I feel so good, being in his arms again. Skin touching skin the way it should be. I moan as he pulls out and gasp when he plunges back in.

Silent words form on my lips and the feeling intensifies. I can feel he is almost ready, and I’m filled with pride that I can drive this man wild. I climax with a scream of his name and he follows soon after shouting mine.

As we lay together enjoying the afterglow of our coupling I whisper

“I love you” And in return I get this beautiful smile. He goes to return it but something strange happens. I can see the words form on his lips but that’s not what comes out.

“No you don’t, but thanks for saying it” And I scream. I scream so loud a deaf man could me.

“I LOVE YOU! I don’t care who knows it. It’s true! You said you’d come back to me and you lied.” I’m crying again.

“I never lied to you Buffy, I am back. You’re just not looking”

And then I awake in a cold sweat. Angel is in a chair next to the bed looking worried.

“How long have you been there?” I ask, after my heart returns to normal.

“Long enough. Why didn’t you tell me you loved him? When I was in Sunnydale. You give me a speech about cookies that was too cryptic even for me and now suddenly you love Spike? Excuse me if I’m a little lost” The last sentence comes out harsh and it almost sounds like Angelus. But I know it’s not.

I decide to be open. I tell Angel everything that happened last year. Some of it he doesn’t like, at times he’s smiling, his face turns into an angry scowl when I tell him why Spike went in search of his soul, and I can only think thank god he isn’t here otherwise he would be dead or dead again. But when I tell Angel I forgave Spike a look of understanding passes over him.

“You forgave him?”

“I did.”

“Not because you wanted too. But because it was the right thing to do.”

“Yeah. Also Spike needed forgiveness, and I cared about him.”

“I understand, I don’t like it, but I understand. Now tell me about your dream.”

So I do. I tell him about the one I had on the bus and the one just now.

“I don’t understand what he meant Angel. He said he was back but I wasn’t looking hard enough. What does he mean?”

“I don’t know Buffy.” He doesn’t look at me when he says that and I know something’s wrong.

“Tell me” I whisper.

“There’s nothing to tell.” Still no eye contact.

“Tell me.” I shout. “Otherwise I will tear this hotel apart looking for someone who will.”

A look passes over his face and I can see his is deciding whether or not to tell me. But he has too seeing as now I know there is something to tell.

“There’s something I need to show you.” And I follow him out.


TBC

The Show Must Go On Part2

I walked with Angel down long corridors and into an elevator. He pushed a button for the 13th floor then looked at me.

“About four hours ago a woman came in screaming. She said she saw a man fall out of the sky. He had a star shaped scar on his chest.” I looked Angel square in the eye and he could see what I was thinking, what the hell does this have to do with me?

I don’t care about men falling from the sky. I just want Spike back. It’s been roughly 6 hours and I can’t stand it. How can I go on without him? This same question going round my head and I still get the same answer, I can’t.

“I know this all sounds strange but just hear me out ok?” I nod and he continues. “I sent Wesley and Gunn out there to check it out and they brought him back. It turns out, once he knew he was in LA he asked Wes to take him to Angel. Just as well Wes knew me.”

“Angel, this is all very interesting but this doesn’t help me. I’m trying to find…….” And it hits me. Is he talking about Spike? No he can’t be. But then I think back to the phone call Dawn got and I put the pieces together. That’s impossible. He’s dead. Buffy’s a wreck. And it all makes sense. He’s here.

“He’s here. Isn’t he?” I almost start crying again. I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much.

“Yeah” He replies. Then lowers his head and starts to walk down another long corridor. I follow and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Angel stops suddenly and I nearly run into the back of him.

“There’s something else you need to know”

“What?” I’m so desperate to get into the room I might burst.

“He doesn’t want to see you” My heart misses a bit and I start laughing. How could he not want to see me? Angel’s crazy.

“I’m serious Buffy. He said this was your chance of having a normal life and he wouldn’t stand in the way. He told me not to contact you.” Tears fall down my face as I realize Angel is telling me the truth. My heart breaks but I still have to see him.

“I still need to see him Angel.” And he nods. He knows what I’m feeling because he was the same.

He knocks twice on the door then pushes it open. He then smiles at me and leaves.

The thing is, can I go into the room? I can here the radio playing softly and can’t help but notice it’s nothing that Spike would listen to.

I enter the room and see a bed in the middle,. There’s a chair on the balcony and I can see a mob of brown peeking over the top.

This isn’t Spike. I don’t know who it is but it’s not Spike.

I can’t believe I was fooled into thinking he was alive. I go to leave but the strangers soft voice stops me in my tracks.

“It’s me.” He stands up and turns to face me. And I drop down into a faint.

I come too and see the back of his head. He’s on the balcony and I need to see his face. I make some noise pretending to just wake up and he comes rushing in.

“Hello Buffy” So polite. “How you feeling?”

“Umm… not sure at the moment Spike.” There was no mistaking it was Spike. Apart from the missing scar along his eyebrow and his hair was brown, the rest was him.

“Understandable. You just had a huge battle with very little sleep.” He’s very nervous and I don’t know why.

“That’s not the reason Spike and you know it” I reply, a little too harshly.

“I’m here Buffy. You asked me to be here and I am. But guess what? I don’t want to be here. I was gone for an hour and you wanted me back. I lived without you for 147 days! You went a few hours. I was happy, I might never get that again because of your selfishness.” I’m crying in earnest now and the tears won’t stop.

“I’m sorry” I get out between sobs and then I run. I run as fast as I can back to my room and I don’t stop until I get there. It takes a bit of time because I couldn’t remember what floor I was on, but eventually I make it and slam the door behind me.

I take off my clothes and slip under the covers. I grab a pillow and hold it to my chest. My tears are soaked up by it and it also muffles my sobs and screams.

He doesn’t want me. He said he’d come back for me. I don’t know what’s worse at that moment. He’s right, I am selfish. I did to him what Willow and the others did to me. I know what he’s going through. With these thoughts I fall into a restless sleep.

I’m walking through the desert and it’s so hot, I feel like I’m on fire.
It then turns colder and I came to a clearing and I know I’ve been here before. I see the fire and I take a seat on a large rock.

“Ok now what?” I ask.

“Do you know why you’re here?” A voice asks. I’m looking for the face but there’s no one here.

“Umm no, can’t say that I do.” A body materializes on the other side of the fire and it takes me awhile to realize who it is.

“Oh you have got to be kidding me?!” I whine.

“Nice to see you too” He replies in that annoying voice of his.

“Cut the crap and tell me why I’m here” I demand. He’s looking at me and it makes me nervous.

“What you did was right.” I’m confused, what did I do? ”With William. It wasn’t his time. The place where he was, was like a limbo. He wouldn’t have stayed there for long. It was a small reward for saving the world. However it doesn’t discount the century of killing that he did. He will be needed in the near future, but not by us, by you.” I’m astounded. I was right to bring him back? If so, then why do I fell so guilty about it? Why is Spike upset that I brought him back?

“I know you have questions and you should. But I can’t answer all of them. Although I can tell you this, William is a champion .You made the choice for him to be yours. Angel was supposed to be, but you changed things yet again. Over time, the PTB discovered that William had a higher purpose, even your Watcher thought so, and now you’ve made it clear.”

“Ok don’t leave it there. What is it?” I’m frantic because I can feel myself awaking.

“You have to figure it out Buffy. I’m just the messenger. But before you go you need to know that this comes with a time limit. You have 7 days to find out what his purpose is. If you don’t then William will be sent to hell for all eternity and you will never be together again.” As soon as this is said I’m awake and my dream was gone.

I get up and walk into the bathroom. I get into the shower and turn it on as hot as I can and go over the dream. How the hell am I supposed to know what Spike’s purpose is? Maybe I’ll just go ask him. That seems like the easiest option.

I get dressed in a pair of low riding jeans and a tank top. I put on a little make up, cause I have to make an impression right? Right! A pair of boots and I’m off.

I know the way to his room. I don’t know how I remember but I do. I can feel a tugging at my heart that gets stronger with each step I take and then I’m there.

I raise my hand to knock but it falters when I hear laughing coming from inside. I can hear bits of the conversation but all that registers is that he’s talking to a woman and he sounds happy. I can hear the laughter even more and it feels like they’re laughing at me. Oh god. I can’t take this. It’s almost as bad as when he died. I step back until I hit the wall and then fall down it. The tears are falling and I don’t care anymore. If he doesn’t want me then why should I go on?

I don’t know how long I sat there hugging my knees and sobbing quietly. But I do feel when arms are placed under me and I’m being carried. Words of comfort are whispered into my ear but I don’t hear them, all I can hear is my heart breaking into a thousand pieces.
TBC

A/N: Thanks to Kirsty for Beta-ing this chapter for me! I would also like to dedicate this to VamptasticA; thanks for reviewing! Also thanks to everyone else who reviewed! You guys rock!

The Show Must Go On Part 3



When I awake, I’m not alone. Two strong arms are wrapped around me. I move back into the embrace and the arms tighten. I don’t need to wonder who it is. The embrace is so familiar. I feel like I’ve been in it before and I know I have.



I need to use the bathroom, but I really don’t want to move. I just want to stay here, in his arms forever. I manage to last a few more minutes but that’s it. I gently move his arm and put it down softly. I use the bathroom as fast as I can, because I don’t want this moment to end.



I walk back over to the bed then climb in. This time I’m facing him. I put his arms back around me. He sighs, I’m not sure if it’s for pleasure or relief, but I don’t mind. I snuggle up to him as far as I can and rest my head on his shoulder.



“I love you” I whisper in his ear. No you don’t, but thanks for saying it. “I’ll always love you. It’s probably too late, but you should know. I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you. I know what it’s like to be torn from there. But you were my salvation, and I wanna be yours. I should really tell you this when your awake but it’s easier like this. I have something to tell you. But I need you to wake up for this.” I shake him gently then look up. His eyes are already open. He heard everything I said and there’s a soft smile on his face.



“What do you wanna tell me, luv?” I shiver slightly at the use of the name. It seems like forever since I last heard it.



“I had a dream….”



“Famous words, Slayer.” God, how I missed that smirk.



“You weren’t going to stay in heaven. You were put there as a reward from the PTB.” I hated having to say that, but I know I had to.



“Are you saying that to make me feel better?” The look in his eyes, says that he doesn’t believe me.



“No.” I can only be honest with him. And he knows it.



“Go on.”

“You weren’t supposed to die. Apparently you still have things to do here. You have a
higher purpose and I need to find out what it is.” Tears are filling my eyes as I realize I have to figure this out soon.



“Do you know what it is?” He sighs in exasperation when I shake my head. “Buffy, I’ve done something no demon has ever done before. I overcame the demon so the man could love. I loved without a soul. I continued to bag it, when I knew I could go out and hunt. I did it all so I could I be someone better for you, someone who you could love. And I’m glad I did it. Now; do you know what it is?”



It couldn’t be, could it? It can’t be that simple. But what if it was? What if William the Bloody’s sole purpose in life was to love and be loved in return? As I continue to lie there in his arms I get the feeling someone is watching us. I look over to the balcony and see that pesky demon from my dream.



“Come in” I shout. I see him smile as he opens the door.



“Oh no, not you!” I look up at Spike and see recognition on his face.



“How do you know….?”



“Oh we go way back.” I look between Spike and the demon and my curiosity is peaked.



“To what do we owe this pleasure, Mate?” Spike asks. I see him reach over for his cigarettes and I hand him an ashtray.



“Well as you asked so nicely I’m here to tell you what’s going on. You William aren’t done. You love Buffy and Buffy love’s you, at last. I tell ya, waiting for that to happen was like waiting for Christmas. Now the PTB have something in store for you two, but I can’t tell ya what it is. You’ll find out soon enough. What Buffy said to you William was true. You weren’t going to stay in heaven forever, you would have been sent to hell. Just because you saved the world a few times doesn’t make up for the thousands you slaughtered, which is why I got you sent back to earth. Now, what needs to happen is you need to leave here. Take whoever you want but get out of LA. This is Angel’s town. Go make your own and live as much as you can.” Well what to say to that?



I look up at Spike and I can almost hear the gears turning in his head. I grasp his hand in mine and squeeze it gently. A small smile blossoms on his face and I reply in kind.



“Fancy going to Europe?” It’s said so casually that I almost miss the question. I grin back at him and nod my head in reply. Maybe things will be alright after all.



It takes a second for us to realize Whistler’s gone and when we do, we both burst out laughing. Seeing Spike laugh is one of the best things I’ve ever seen and I take a moment to memorize everything about it.



I lean over and kiss him softly on the lips. Before I can pull back he deepens the kiss and his tongue is asking for entrance. I open my mouth and the fight begins although neither of us wants to win it.



I rest my hands in his hair and his are at my waist. It’s not long before one hand ventures to my breast and I release a moan at the contact. He grows bolder with each sound I make and then it’s skin on skin. I stop him so I can remove my top and bra. Then his mouth is on my breast licking and sucking while his hand plays with the other. It soon becomes too much and if he isn’t inside me soon I might die with need.



“Clothes… Off… Now…” Cave Buffy it is then. We both stand up and shed the rest of our clothes. I lie down on the bed and pull Spike on top of me. He settles between my spread thighs.



“Are you sure?” his voice is so soft I nearly melt at the sound of it. I grab his hand and put it to my cunt.



“See how wet I am for you?” I whisper in his ear. He nods and runs his fingers across my slit. I shudder as he flicks my clit and then his fingers are replaced by his cock.



I take a deep breath and then he plunges in. I gasp at being stretched after so long without his huge member. I meet him thrust for thrust, slowly at first until our climaxes approach. We build up speed and then it happens. Fireworks explode behind my eyes and I scream his name in pleasure which is followed by an ‘I love you’. As my inner muscles tighten around him I watch him orgasm with a look of pure love on his face. He shouts my name in a hoarse voice with an ‘I love you too’ soon after. His hips jerk slightly and then it’s over.



As we come down from our high I realize we didn’t use protection and to be honest I don’t care, and I don’t think Spike would either. All I know is whatever happens now we have each other. And as far as I’m concerned that’s all that matters.



The End!



My first fic finished! What did you think? Please Review!