Chapter 29: Explanations
Buffy had just finished getting together a bag for her daughter—some clothes and toys for a few days—when she heard a whispered question from the doorway.
"So you what, just suddenly remembered I'm her father? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"I didn't realize it really until the day you changed your hair. I think that maybe part of me knew it, but I just convinced myself that I was doing some sort of transference, you know I had this memory of this great guy and then you were here, so I think I convinced myself I was just making you into him. But then when you dyed your hair back, something clicked in my head…that's why I was sort of quiet that day you showed up with your new look.
It took me until yesterday to be one hundred percent sure, but yeah, I didn't tell you because I wasn't sure…and you know, Buffy and self assurance, not exactly best friends—I was scared of rejection." But then something else occurred to her, something she hadn't thought of before, "Why didn't you say anything? I don't look any different, so why didn't you bring it up? Why didn't you ask? Why didn't you remind me? Why didn't you just say something, William?" Lord help her, Buffy was crying again.
"I was drunk."
"No, you weren't. You weren't fucking drunk when I slept with you."
"No, I wasn't. I got right bloody pissed after I realized the next morning that I had no way of finding you. Wanted to ask my da, but I couldn't rightly ask my own father about a girl I'd had sex with whose name I didn't know. So, once I realized I had no way of finding you, I went and drank about as much as I could manage, drank 'til I passed out. And, though it was the last thing I'd hoped to happen, when I woke up the following day, besides having a massive hangover I couldn't remember much about what you looked like. Knew you were my golden princess, but everything became a bit blurred. And I guess I took it as a blessing once I got back to England and Dru and I got back together. Was better not to have you haunting my thoughts, even if you have been in my dreams every night."
"But what about once you got here, once you saw me again, every day?"
"Well, you became the girl in my dreams, but I thought it was just you replacing that girl from years ago, not my mind letting me know you were her. And I think something clicked subconsciously—that was why I started calling you all the pet names so soon. Part of me knew you already."
"Well, we obviously both made some mistakes here, but that's not really what's important here. What is important is whether or not you believe me—which you seem to—and whether or not you're going to help me with things."
"Yeah, pet, I believe you…think it's still going to take a bit to fully realize that Sam's my daughter, but yeah, I believe you. And even if I didn't believe any of what you were telling me, I'd still help you in leaving Angel. No matter what. But, Buffy, can I ask you just a few questions?"
"Of course! I think that after all of this, the least I owe you are a few explanations. So, what do you want to know?"
"Why you married Angel, why you stayed married to Angel? Why you slept with me? Why you left me?"
"As for why I married Angel, well that's a kind of stupid one really. I've spent six and a half years convincing myself it was a good reason, only to realize in the last few days that it was just stupid. See, my parents, well I think I told you my mom's an artist right?"
"Yeah, pet you told me."
"Okay, so see, she's always kind of done the unconventional thing. Well, my dad was big on the normal and he never really could deal with her way of doing things—or at least that was the excuse he used. So when he left, I just assumed that it if my mom had been the typical stay at home mom, that he would have stayed and we could have been the happy family still.
That was around my sophomore year of high school and I hadn't really had a boyfriend before, so when I met 'nice, normal' Angel my freshman year of high school, he seemed like everything I'd ever wanted.
There was always a small part of me that wasn't all that happy with him, that yearned for more, but I also knew that as long as I gave him everything he wanted, he wouldn't leave me. I don't know why it was he liked me so much, but to his family and to him, I was the perfect wife. They were so happy when we announced our engagement—my mom just told me she wanted me to be happy, but she was never that pleased with my choice.
So, yeah I married Angel because I thought it would keep me safe, keep my kids safe—and in my messed up mind, it was what would ultimately make me happy. I thought that any other guy would make me happy for a little while, but would eventually leave me. I guess I never really thought I deserved or could do any better."
"So that explains why you married him. I'm sure lots of people get married for that reason, but what it doesn't explain is why you stayed married to him."
"It wasn't that long after we got married that we found out I was pregnant with Sam. Now I may not be the brightest girl in the world, but I can do some math. I knew it wasn't his kid, but he never really thought about it I guess. To him I was perfect little Buffy, so of course it was his baby. I think that I still thought he'd change and that we'd be happy—that having a baby would fix a lot of it. But then after Sam was born, he got worse. He never helped me with her at all. So it was like after a few years, I got used to it. I had this incredible baby girl and I could have whatever I wanted—in terms of tangible things—and I could always take care of her. I still didn't think that if I left Angel, anyone better would want me.
"So I decided that keeping my little girl provided for, having a roof over our heads, and being unhappy was better than us having no money and still not being all that happy. Or even worse, I thought that if I did leave Angel, not only would I never find anyone, have no money and nowhere to live, I thought that Angel would take Sam away from me."
"What makes you think he won't take her away from you now?"
"Now he can't just claim that I'm some slut and use that to take her from me; now I have you here to show that you are her father. And with you here I've really come to see a lot more about myself and also about Angel. I know that the only reason he would ever try to take Sam would be to make himself look like the wronged party, but I also know that if I give him an easy out, he'll take it.
"I don't care what lie he comes up with for everyone, as long as he lets me leave with my little girl," she finished.
"Our little girl," Spike corrected her.
"Yeah, our little girl," Buffy said with a smile. "You do know that he's going to want a paternity test, don't you?"
"I'd figured as much, him being a lawyer and all."
"And you're okay with that?"
William walked over to Buffy after having spent their entire conversation across the room from her. "I told you I believe you, luv." He gently wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. "We both know that something happened between us and I believe you regarding the timing of it all. So, there's nothing to worry about. But can I just ask, how did you, um…not sleep with Angel on your wedding night?"
With a laugh, Buffy pulled back from him and sat on Sam's bed, gesturing for him to sit next to her.
"Remember the other day, how I mentioned something about Angel's, um, 'condition'?"
"Yeah…and I said something about him getting you pregnant," William said before realizing something. "You were going to tell me! Even before I told you about Angel, you were trying to tell me about Sam!"
I thought you should know, but then after Angel interrupted us, I kind of lost my nerve. Not exactly the easiest thing to just bring up. But back on topic, Angel and I have never really had sex that much, he hasn't wanted to and I never really cared one way or the other. We didn't have sex for maybe a month before we got married and I had my period right after the last time we had sex so I knew I wasn't pregnant then. And then after we had sex, you and I, I should have had my period right after the wedding, but I didn't…and then when I still hadn't three weeks later, I went to the doctor for a pregnancy test. The doctor told me I was just about a month pregnant, so I knew it wasn't Angel's. And he never really questioned the timing and Sam was born a few weeks early, so I guess he just never gave it too much thought.
"Does that all make sense?"
"Makes perfect sense, pet."
"Okay, now that you have all your questions answered, can I ask you one?" At Spike's nod, Buffy asked, "What changed your mind?"
TBC…………..
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you to Elena for beta'ing this...and to all of you for the reviews--to be even close to 30 reviews for one chapter is just amazing me...I hope you like this one just as much...