** This is how much I love you; I drag myself from my sick bed just to update for you. And I'm feeling spectacularly crapturous today. (which is like craptastic, only more so). So here's a brand spankin' new chappie just for you. Are you feelin' the love yet? *Snuffly smooches* Rosie xoxoxox
PS - Beware the Spaithness. It's particularly vile this chapter. (Now you can't say I didn't warn ya) ;p **



Chapter Twenty Four ~ Ruler of My Heart

“ Ruler of my heart, father of my soul – where can you be?
I wait patiently. My heart cries out, pain inside.
Where can you be? I wait patiently.
When you’re alone, the goin’ gets rough.
Come back, come back, come back – I’ve had enough.
Make me a queen, happy again. Hear my cry, please, my king.”

~ Lisa Fischer



It was a solemn group that gathered at the Magic Box that morning. So very different from the laughing friends that sat at that same table the day before. Xander took one look at her drawn face and gathered her into his arms. He hugged her tight and rested his cheek on the glossy crown of her hair, protective as any brother could ever be.

“ It’ll be alright, Buff. I promise.”

He kissed her softly on the top of her head before letting her go. Willow took her hand and sat next to her at the overloaded table.

“ We’ll fix this, Buffy. You know we will. We won’t let anything happen to you.”

She said it with all the comforting reassurance she could muster. Buffy tried hard to smile back at her friend. But deep inside she felt the cold fingers of death already reaching for her. Is this what she came here for? To die? She squeezed Willow’s hand briefly before letting it go, but couldn’t meet her eyes. Buffy found herself longing for her mother, just to hear her voice… But talk about complications. There was no way she could see her mom in this state, not without spilling her guts like the scared little girl she felt like inside. Bringing this Joyce a whole boat load of worry and fear she didn’t need during her recovery. Taking a deep breath she willed herself to stay calm. There was work to do.

*And a Slayer’s job is never done. Not until SHE is anyway.*

She thought morosely. Pushing the bad thoughts away from her, she looked up at Giles expectantly.

“ So where do we start?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was one of the most exhausting afternoons ever. Buffy felt totally drained of all energy and motivation. All she wanted now was to climb into her narrow dorm bed and cry herself to sleep. But there was still so much to do. Between her prophecy dream and forays into alternate Universes the research seemed endless. Willow had theories, Giles had probabilities – but no one seemed to have any answers. At 5 o’clock she couldn’t take it anymore, she just needed out of here for a while. She excused herself for a coffee run and nobody asked any questions.

It was so good to be outside, to feel free for a little while. She closed her eyes and breathed in the crisp scent of the evening air, beginning to relax just the tiniest bit. Buffy strolled downtown taking in the seemingly familiar sites. It was getting harder and harder to believe that this wasn’t really her home, her world. She was already starting to forget the little differences. Like was the coffee place always the Espresso Station? Wasn’t it something else? She honestly couldn’t remember. She pulled the gang’s drink order from her pocket, looking it over.

*Latte for Will. Red Eye for Anya. Hot Chocolate for Xander.*

She couldn’t help smiling a little at that one.

*Same Old Xand.*

Maybe she should pick up something besides doughnuts while she was out. She rounded a corner past the theater lost in thought and almost ran into someone.

“Spike!”

She said, startled.

*Shit!*

She was so not prepared for this. I mean she knew he was around, had been kinda wanting to seek him out actually. But now that he’d materialized in front of her she was lost. What would he say to her? What would she say to HIM?!

“ Buffy.”

He said, perfectly indifferent. Not Slayer, she noted – just Buffy.

“ W-What are you doing here?”

She managed to stammer out. He looked her over coolly, the very picture of nonchalance.

“Just waiting for the Slayer to show up.”

It was truly stunning how much that upset her.

*The Slayer?!?*

“ Why?” She snarked, covering her hurt. “ Got a hot date?”

He quirked an eyebrow at her, his jaw tightening imperceptibly.

“As a matter of fact. Yeah.”

He turned and smiled with pleasure, but not at her. Faith sauntered up casually, a lurid picture in black leather. She was wearing tight leather pants, a slinky red shirt that looked painted on, a studded belt and high-heeled biker boots. The girl looked like a walking felony.

*Just what Spike would go for.*

She thought irritably.

“ Hey, Baby.”

Faith purred, shooting Spike a saucy smile and launching herself into his arms. He grinned wolfishly.

“ There’s my girl.”

He wrapped his arms around the Slayer and kissed her deeply. Buffy could only stand and gawk as her brain completely flat lined. When they finally came up for air, Faith turned to smile at her.

“ Oh, Hey B. How ya doin’?”

Buffy searched for the appropriate answer among her frozen synapses.

“ Fine.”

Faith nodded agreeably, seemingly unaware of her predicament.

“ Cool. Any breakthroughs on that whole AU sitch?”

Buffy shook her head numbly.

“ No, not yet.”

“ That’s too bad.”

Faith leaned back into Spike comfortably.

“ Yeah.”

Buffy could only stare in horrified fascination at the scene before her, almost frozen with shock. It was one thing to hear about something terrible, but another thing all together to actually WITNESS it. It was like a car crash - she couldn’t look away.

“ So, how’s your boy?”

Faith asked casually. Spike looked bored and studied his nails, one arm still wrapped protectively around her waist. Buffy wanted to slap his hand away, but shoved her own hands deeply into her pockets instead.

*Not my Spike.*

She reminded herself, trying to stay steady.

“ He’s fine.”

Faith wrapped her arm around Spike’s neck, nuzzling.

“ Sweet. We should hang out soon. Go dancin’ or somethin’ - talk about the old times.”

*Oh, and wouldn’t THAT just be a hoot?*

“Yeah.”

Spike’s boredom seemed to have reached a breaking point.

“ I hate to bust up the party, Pet – but we really should be goin’.”

He untangled himself from her arms and moved to walk away, patting her rump affectionately.

“ Yeah, we should. Sorry, B. Can’t keep the vamps waitin’. ”

Spike reached back for Faith’s hand without looking, as if he simply expected it to be there.
Somehow this was one of the most devastating things Buffy had seen in the past two days.

“ Sure.”

She said limply.

“ Catch ya later though?”

Faith grabbed Spike’s hand which he took hold of instantly, possessively. It made her stomach hurt.

“ Yeah.”

Faith waved as they walked away, holding hands like the lovers they were.

“ Great, B. Take it easy. Call me if ya get any info.”

Spike never turned around once. And she realized that this was the least amount of words they had exchanged. Ever. He hardly seemed to register her presence at all in fact.

“ Sure. Bye.”

She said quietly, feeling sick.

And she stood there watching as what used to be her life walked away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy stared after them until they had long faded from her view. Standing alone in the spotlight of a streetlamp she felt the tears overflow and simply surrendered. There was no way she could hope to contain them at this point. There was too much hurt - too much fear and confusion to hold back. Her chin started to wobble and she turned from the light to find some semblance of privacy. If she was going to have a breakdown she didn’t want to do it in the street.

Ducking into the alleyway beside the Espresso Station she turned her face to the rough stone wall and cried. She wept out her confusion at being cast into this crazy world where NOTHING was right. She sobbed over the loss of her sister and of Spike – who knows if she’d ever get them back? And she needed them both so much. She’d been rocked by the unexpected loss of her sister. And she’d never felt more bereft in her life than the moment Spike walked away with Faith.

She felt so alone right now, so terribly alone. She knew she still had the Scoobies, her Mom and Giles, but the people that she felt the closest to were out of her reach - maybe forever. And that was only the beginning of this nightmare. As if it weren’t enough to be cast away into Bizarro World - DEATH was breathing down her neck now. The real kind you didn’t come back from. She was staring down the barrel of the big dirt nap - and that scared her more than she could even put into words.

Spike once told her that she was just a little bit in love with death, that it was part of being a Slayer. Maybe that was true, sometimes she felt drawn to a darkness that seemed to call her name. And at times the burdens of her work felt like too much to bear. But now that she was faced with it, it was the LAST thing in the world she wanted. There was still so much life ahead of her! She didn’t want to miss a moment of it – she wanted to spend more time with Mom, help her get well again. She wanted to see Dawn grow up, to find out what genius career Willow ended up in, and play Auntie to Anya and Xander’s kids… God, how could she miss all that? Her breath hitched as her tears began to dry up little by little.

And then there was Spike. HER Spike was waiting for her, and there was definitely something between them. He’d been irritatingly right again. That thought made her smile. He was an annoyingly perceptive little bastard, wasn’t he? She never realized how much she relied on him until recently – how much she needed him. Now that he was effectively gone she couldn’t deny it. What she wouldn’t give to just talk to him… He had a way of making everything alright. He always reassured her with out making her feel weak, and if he were here right now he’d be doing everything in his power to help her. She found that comforting. Maybe her Spike was in their world doing just that. If he knew she was missing he’d do whatever he had to to bring her back. Buffy smiled again, a little steadier this time. He loved her. Her smile widened. And she…well, she somethinged him. Maybe not love…

*Not yet at least.*

But something.




** Now that wasn't so bad was it? It's all part of my sinister plan, my evil has a purpose, you know. Have a little...trust. ;) You're going to luuuuvv the next chapter. Out next week. I'm going to crawl back in my bed and die till then. *hack* *weeze**cough* **





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