“You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know
Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts.”
~ No Doubt
It took a bit of convincing but Buffy finally managed to talk Faith into coming back to the warehouse with her. She demanded a few minutes on the phone with Spike (which Buffy was not at all pleased about) but at least she was coming. In return Faith assured her of Dawn's safety and promised to bring the girl back in the morning. The other Slayer was starting to realize just how nasty this year's Apocalypse was going to be. She certainly couldn’t fault the logic - Dawn would be much safer with the whole crew watching her back. She might not trust Buffy, but she seemed just fine with Angel.
Typical.
Buffy thought with an irritated eye roll. At least she knew Dawn was okay now. She’d chastised Faith immediately for leaving her (their?) sister alone. Faith argued that Dawn was a big girl at 15 and more than capable of looking after herself. Apparently life as Faith’s sister was vastly different. Dawn had grown up tough and independent - Buffy was shocked to learn she’d even been combat trained.
“She’s no Slayer, but you bet she can kick some ass.” Faith said proudly. “Can’t leave my little sis all helpless damsel, right?”
“Right.” Buffy replied weakly.
“Hell, if mom was still alive I probably woulda trained her too. It’s not like we can keep ‘em out of danger.” She commiserated, taking no notice of the stricken look on Buffy’s face. “We’re fuckin’ Slayers. It always finds us.”
How had she never thought of that? It hadn’t occurred to her she’d done her family a disservice by leaving them in the dark. All this time she thought she’d been protecting them by keeping them away from her life as a Slayer.
Faith was also quick to point out that Glory didn’t know Dawn was the Key and she was safely squirreled away in a secret location outside Sunnydale.
“No one else knows where she is but me, I swear. I’d never leave her in danger, B. Trust me. She’s all I got.”
Buffy nodded, beginning to believe her. She was also starting to see this Faith for the first time. Was it possible that she was actually as different as Spike said? Certainly seemed more put together than the train wreck she was used to. She still couldn’t bring herself to trust her though. There was just too much bad blood - and a little sister now - between them.
On the walk back Buffy kept the conversation to the business at hand. It was easier to stay in professional slay-mode while she was sorting out her feelings. Not forty-five minutes ago she was ready to fight this girl to the death. Now they were walking home together like the good ‘ol high school days - not that she and Faith were pals now. There weren’t gonna be any PJ parties and pedicures anytime soon.
So she kept it simple, sharing details about Glory, Cordelia's vision and "the plan" (such as it was). But she steered clear of any talk of her own possible demise. She wasn't ready to deal with that herself, and frankly, she still didn't trust Faith as far as she could throw her.
Granted, I just found out that was pretty far...
The thought made her snicker under her breath. This may not be the crazy Faith she used to know...but she still kinda hated her. It was only a matter of months since Faith had been careening around in her body wreaking havoc.
Old habits die hard, what can I say?
Plus that phone call was bothering her. Faith had insisted on talking to Spike, he was the only one she still really trusted. Buffy overheard the whole thing - given that Spike was her boyfriend she felt fully entitled to eavesdrop. He promised Faith that they would talk, that she was safe, that everything would be alright. Buffy found she really didn't like him making promises to other girls, especially his ex, most especially her possibly former archenemy. On the upside though, after today she was pretty sure she could take her out if she needed to.
Bonus!
She grinned cheerfully to herself as they headed back to town.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike was dreading this particular reunion. After their awkward break up he was hoping he’d never have to actually see Faith again. He thought he'd be off on some romantic getaway with Buffy, not parked in a warehouse on East Elm making battle plans with his ex. But that was life on the Hellmouth for you - 'specially if you were a White Hat. He wondered idly if it was too late to trade his in for a jet black Stetson of the 10 gallon variety.
Just call me Billy the Kid.
He sighed. It was well past time for any such thing, Buffy had changed his colors long ago. He’d wanted to somehow be worthy of her, though Lord knows he never would be. He’d given up his last shred of hope when she’d gotten engaged to Finn. He’d let all Angel’s talk of a normal life convince him she was better off, that she’d be happier retired and living her life with a human mate. Little did he know he might yet have a chance with her, or that she might come to find him. Spike goggled at the strange machinations of this Universe and the Powers that controlled it. But if it took bringing Buffy to another world to make her see him true, than so be it.
Cheers to ya, ya bastards! May she never leave my side.
He toasted the night with a nip from his flask, damn glad he was clever enough to stash supplies all about town. That was coming in mighty handy just lately. Though he’d be out within the week the way things were going... His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of the two Slayers through the side door. Faith looked quite a bit worse for wear. She sported a swollen lip and a gash down her left cheek, the front of her shirt was shredded and her clothes were spotted with dirt. When Fred took her by the arm and led her away for some first aid he went straight to Buffy’s side. He was relieved to see her relatively unharmed. Other than a bruise or two and a cut on her lower lip she seemed fine. He squeezed her tight, grateful.
"You all right, Love?" He inspected her carefully. "I was a bit worried. The thought of Faith with a vendetta..."
"I'm fine.” She dismissed easily. “It was her that shoulda been worried." She jerked her thumb over her shoulder at the other Slayer. He grinned.
"Should’ve known she'd be no match for my girl."
"Yeah, you shoulda!" She poked him in the belly. "Guess you'll just have to get used to dating the baddest ass in town." She sassed at him.
He laughed and gathered her to him.
"And you'll just have to get used to having your man worry about you."
"My man, huh?" Buffy grinned up at him. "I like the sound of that."
A look back to the crowd revealed Faith; patched up and scanning the room. Unfortunately Spike had a good idea of who she was looking for.
"Guess I'd better have that talk." He huffed out a sigh. Buffy smiled gently.
"As much as I don't want you too...I think you should." She looked over at her former rival, now looking lost and alone. “Put it to rest, Spike. Then we can all move on.”
He could see the wisdom in that as reluctant as he was to do it. Buffy saw his look of dread and gave him a small, conciliatory kiss.
“I just want to put this behind us.” She patted his chest. “You two have history together. Recent history. And as much as I want to erase every single second she had her hands on you, I can’t.” She scowled. “It really pisses me off.”
"Ha!” He smirked, just a touch bitterly. “As if I don't feel that way 'bout Peaches. Can't stand the thought that he ever so much as kissed you...but he did." He admitted. "You loved him. He was yours."
"No." she replied softly. "He was never really mine. He was like this dream I had...this perfect romance." She looked at Angel brooding away in the corner, remembering. "He'd sweep in, trench coat flying and rescue me, we'd steal a moment together - maybe even a few perfect days. Sometimes it was great, but mostly... he just made me sad.” She frowned. “He never let me into his life and he never really became a part of mine. He was too busy playing hero and doing what was best for me." She looked up at him. "I think he really loved me. But he never belonged to me. And really... I never belonged to him.” She paused, looking thoughtful. “What about you?” she asked tentatively, just a little bit afraid of his answer. "Was she yours? Even for a little while?"
"No.” His response was instant. “She was never mine, Buffy. No one was ever mine but you."
Spike took her hands in his and looked into her eyes. She smiled up at him. He smiled back, lip trembling just a bit.
He was terribly relieved. His worst fear had been that Buffy would never love him as much as she loved Angel. That nothing could compare to her perfect first love. Come to find out, it wasn't so perfect after all.
He kissed the top of her head, followed by her hands held in his. Not trusting himself to say much more, he nodded and excused himself to have the hard talk with Faith.
He wasn't looking forward to it, but at least his heart was a little lighter knowing Buffy loved him best.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel watched Spike fawn all over Buffy from across the room. It made him ill. How could everyone just gloss over the fact that Spike was so far beneath her? It should be obvious to anyone with half an eye that he wasn’t remotely in her league. God, if she could only see the Spike he knew; the whelpling dropped upon his doorstep, knowing nothing, and yet still an arrogant, cocky little shite. And just because Spike's sneak attack worked this time, didn't mean he couldn't kick his ass. If Cordelia hadn't come out to the alley when she did Angel would've dragged him back outside and beaten that snotty wee pup into the ground. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d had to teach the boy his place.
But she called him "Tired." Made him sound pathetic, like Buffy didn't love him back. As if it weren't mutual, hadn't always been mutual....they'd loved each other for years. It was real, it was epic...it's what all the damn books were written about, wasn't it?
Angel had done his duty, he'd left for her own good. Pushed her toward the normal life she deserved. And he had been content enough knowing she was living that life. But now she'd left Finn and was on the rebound with another vamp. Angel couldn't help but think it was only because he hadn't been available. If she'd have known he was there for her, he had no doubt it'd be his bed she'd be sharing. It irritated him to no end that she'd been sharing Spike's instead. It was a mistake he intended to correct.
There were insinuations in the Watcher's diaries, tales of Slayers drawn to vampires for more than just the kill. Some scholars had even gone so far as to speculate that only a vampire could satisfy a Slayer, that her innate darkness was drawn to his own. Buffy was young, inexperienced - she didn't realize what she needed, that Spike was only a shadow compared to Angel and what he could offer her. They hadn’t been dating long, that much was obvious. He just needed to get her alone for a few minutes.
If he could talk to her, hold her, kiss her just once - he knew she'd be his again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Faith watched Spike cross the room towards her and took a breath. There was something inside her that needed to hear it, from him. It was one thing for Buffy to say it was over and spin her a yarn about destiny and bullshit. But it was another to hear it from Spike. Maybe it was the masochist in her, needing that final kick in the face. Or maybe it was that closure shit everyone talks about. Either way, she wasn’t going to be satisfied until they had words.
In spite of everything, she still wanted him to know that she really did care about him. Maybe even loved him. She was too much of a realist and a pessimist to believe that it would make any real difference, but still it had to be said. And she was no coward. Dumb, maybe – she could cop to that. Her decisions weren’t always the best. But she wasn’t chickenshit.
She had courage enough to speak her piece, and strength enough to stand there and take it while he spoke his. After all, it wasn’t the worst thing she’d ever been through. Not even close, actually. And if this Apocalypse was anywhere near the predictions it might not even be the worst thing she lived through this year.
She hoped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike squared his shoulders and approached the other Slayer. She looked tired and troubled in a way he’d never seen before. It made him sad for her and feel all the more tentative with the girl.
Funny that, he’d always seen her as such a bad ass. He’d watched her dust a thousand vamps without batting an eye. She was one of the toughest women he’d ever known. She’d fucked him, fought with him and even made him laugh – but he never heard a tender word from her, and never thought to.
But now it seemed the tender words were to be his, or at least kind ones, with care for her heart and feelings. He’d have to call on his inner William, loathe as he was to admit that ponce existed in any part of him. He sighed.
Only William would know the best way to let down a lady.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy was picking over the food table, starving after her fight with Faith. She was always ravenous after battle - and she’d been doing a lot of that the past few days, hadn’t she? She caught movement from the corner of her eye and turned to see Angel approaching her, a look of pure determination on his face.
Uh oh.
No good had ever come from that look. That was the look he’d had when he told her he couldn’t go to prom. It was the look he had when he told her he was leaving town. All for her own good. What new and condescendingly paternal gesture could he have in mind now?
Ugh.
“Buffy? Could we go outside for a minute? I need to speak with you.”
“I suppose...” she said reluctantly.
Angel pushed open the warehouse door and held it for her.
“Thanks.” She trotted down the steps and sat on the concrete stoop across the alleyway. She took a deep breath.
Might as well get this over with.
“So what’s up?”
He turned to her, all seriousness.
“I need to talk to you about Spike.”
Of course. I should’ve known.
She crossed her arms.
“So talk.”
“You don’t know him like I do...” He began.
“I’d say I know him better actually.”
“You only think you do.” He corrected gently. “You only know what he wants you to know, Buffy. He’s a master manipulator - a killer, he takes pleasure in it.”
“Oh? Like Angelus?” She wasn’t about to mince words here.
He grimaced at that, but continued on.
“Yes.” He admitted. “Probably worse. He doesn’t have a soul to control those impulses. Nothing to reign him in-”
“Maybe he doesn’t need one.” She cut him off. She was already tired of this conversation.
“You don’t know him, Buffy - you haven’t seen the things I’ve seen.”
“I think it’s you that doesn’t know him.” She shot back. “You haven’t seen the good I’ve seen.”
“You’re not hearing me!” he burst out, frustrated at the turn the conversation was taking. Why was she being so damned unreasonable?
“Oh I think I am.” she replied coldly. “And let me stop you before you go too far and say something we both regret.”
“But, Buffy - you don’t understand.” He looked at her helplessly. “I only want what’s best for you.”
That did it. First Giles and her friends and now her ex-boyfriend?
I don’t think so.
She was done being told how to act and how to feel. She stood up to yell at him, temper on full boil.
“I am beyond tired of being told what’s best for me! As if you all know better than I do what I need!”
“But I do know what you need, Buffy.” His eyes were all sincerity. “It’s not that I know better than you - I just know some things you don’t.” He put his hands on her arms, gently soothing. “I know Spike.”
“Well obviously you don’t.” She broke free, turning away. “You’re stuck on some idea of him from your past with no clue about who he is now.”
He was losing his patience. He had to make her see.
“He doesn’t have a soul, Buffy! How can he love you without a soul?!” He pointed agitatedly at the other vampire.
“I don’t know.” She replied calmly. “But he does. More than anyone else ever has. Maybe we just don’t know enough about souls; how they work, how they interact with the demon.” She gazed at her love, standing across the room inside. “Or maybe Spike is just special.”
Angel was quickly moving past frustration into anger. She was an impenetrable wall, all stubborn refusal. “He barely knows you! And he can’t possibly love you as much as I do!” He took a calming breath, softening his voice. “I’ve loved you for so long, Buffy. Don’t you know that? I’ve never stopped loving you. And I know you still care for me. You’ve only been dating him a short while, can you honestly tell me your feelings for him have just erased your love for me?”
“Well, no but-”
He drew closer, taking her hands in his. “If you could just open your heart to me, just the tiniest bit I know you would feel that love again.”
He moved to kiss her then, knowing if she would just allow him that, she would feel all that lay between them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“So.” Spike started reluctantly, hands shoved deep in his pockets. God this was uncomfortable. What could he possibly say to the girl?
“So...” Faith felt awkward and out of place, not something she was used to. Her tongue felt numb. This was not going well - not that she expected it to.
“Faith- I...I’m sorry.” He finally managed.
“Thanks, I guess.”
His brow furrowed.
“I mean I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t think I would...not really. You never said anything...we had fun.” he finished lamely.
“Yeah. Fun.” She looked away, arms crossed over her stomach defensively.
The silence was crushing and seem to spin out forever while he desperately scrabbled for the right words.
“Did you ever...care?” she finally ventured.
“Of course I did. You’re a good girl, Faith. A good friend. I’ll always care about you and Dawn.”
She dug further, poking at the wound with a vicious need to hear him say it.
“But you didn’t love me.” It was a bald statement of fact.
“I didn’t think you loved me either, Faith.” he replied gently.
“Yeah well....I did.” It was the most sentiment he’d ever heard from her.
“I didn’t know.”
“Well, now ya do.” She lit up a cigarette.
He didn’t know what to say. He automatically checked for Buffy in the crowd, even her presence was comforting. He saw her talking with Angel and frowned as they went outside. Faith caught the look and sighed.
“Don’t sweat it, bleach boy.” She dismissed with a wave of her hand. “I know you don’t feel the same. It’s written all over you every time you look at her.”
“I’m sorry.” he repeated dumbly. What else was there?
“Tell me something, and do me a favor and don’t lie to me,” She pointed her cigarette at him. “Did you leave me because of her?”
“No.” She eyed him dubiously. “I swear it. This just happened. And you may not want to hear it but I really was planning on leaving town, well before I ever met up with her. I wasn’t happy, Faith.” She looked hurt at that. “I’m not blaming you.” He rushed to explain. “It was just my life...it wasn’t what I wanted. So I was plannin’ on leaving Sunnydale, goin’ back to London like I said.”
“Without me.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.” His voice was quiet. “Maybe I’m a prick for leading you on, for not wanting more. I didn’t mean to play with your feelings, Faith. I just thought you-”
“Didn’t have any?” She supplied. He winced at that.
“Not quite that, but close.”
“I guess that’s my fault then. I never told ya.”
“Call it a draw?” he asked with the faintest hope.
“I don’t think so. I’m puttin’ this one on you.” She pointed at him. “But... maybe we can be friends again... Sometime. When I don’t hate your undead ass so much.” But she said it without anger.
He looked relieved and smiled broadly. Faith cocked an eyebrow at him.
“Don’t get excited, Blondie.” She dismissed with a puff of smoke.
“I said maybe.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy kept her hand against his chest, holding Angel firmly away from her.
“What are you doing?”
“If you would let me kiss you just once-” She pushed him away in disgust.
“Just what is it you think is going to happen here? That you’ll kiss me and we’ll just fall in love again? That I’ll forget all about Spike and then run away with you?” She looked at him squarely, sizing him up. “You do, don’t you? I can see it on your face. You think I’m just being naive.” Her voice took on a mocking edge. “Oh yes, Angel please show me the error of my ways.” She pointed an accusatory finger at him. “You know you remind me of Riley right now. Neither of you ever trusted my judgement or my decisions. And what is that?” She threw her arms up in frustration. “I’m the one girl in all the world chosen to fight evil but I don’t have sense enough to pick my own boyfriend?!”
Angel’s voice was gentle as he drew closer. He didn’t want to upset her. He was trying to save her from pain. God knows Spike would only disappoint her.
“You just don’t know him. He can’t possibly make you happy, Buffy. I’m sorry, but he can’t. It just isn’t in him.” She scoffed and turned to face him.
“And you can?”
“Yes.” He said earnestly.
“And just what have you ever done to make me happy, Angel?” She couldn’t contain her bitterness, “Was it to turn on my friends and terrorize them? Or maybe it was to randomly pop by to judge me and my life choices once a year? Oh wait, I know; maybe it was when you left when I needed you most?!”
“I wanted you to have a normal life!” He threw up his own hands, exasperated. “I left for your own good!”
“And look how well that turned out.” She said sarcastically, hand on hip. “Here I am in another goddamned dimension, fighting a Hell god who will probably kill me and sharing my little sister with an escapee from the Sunnydale psych ward. Just awesome.”
“But I only-”
She ignored him.“Did it ever occur to you that this is real? That I might actually be in love with him?” She turned to look him in the eye. “Spike has never left my side. No matter what I’ve done he’s stayed and he’s loved me, all this time. You may think that what you did was for my own good. That leaving me was the right and noble thing to do. But that’s the difference between you and him. You can walk away. And Spike never will. He’d give up his life first. And the way he makes me feel I’d do the same.” She stopped and took a breath. She wanted him to hear this. “This isn’t a phase, Angel. Spike isn’t my rebound guy. He’s the one.”
Angel stared at her open mouthed. What was she saying?!
“Whatever life I have left to me, I want him. On the field or off, he’s my partner. You are my friend, Angel. I respect you and I will always care about you. But there is no one else I want by my side but Spike. Understand?”
“But Buffy?!-”
“No one.” She pressed firmly. “And if you push this you will lose me even as a friend. It’s not what I want, but right now if you’re not for me, you’re against me. I can’t have anyone undermining my team. I have too many enemies already.”
“I could never be your enemy, Buffy.” His voice was choked with feeling. Could he be really losing her? After everything? “You know I love you.”
“Yes.” She replied simply. “And I loved you. You were my first everything, Angel.” She looked him in the eyes. “But I was 16 then, in high school.” Her voice was kind, but firm. He had to get this.“Don’t you think it’s time we both moved on?”
She touched his face gently in goodbye and left him standing alone in the doorway.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
**Here come the tears and recriminations as our respective heroes face their exes. You just *knew* Angel wasn't going to let her go that easily...**
Chapter End Notes:
**All the TALKING, oy! It's enough to make a girl long for the good ol' days of the last Apocalypse. Don't worry, kiddies we're back to the plot twisties & smut in the next 2 chapters. Mama knows what you like ;) Thank you from the bottom of my naughty little heart for staying with me. Love, love, love, Miss Rosie xxo***