A/N- This idea actually came to me after reading a friend’s fic, it was the missing piece leading up to the almost-rape scene. The idea I got, was to write the time thereafter the almost-rape scene. There may be referencing to that scene, nothing graphic, but in any case there’s a fair warning for anyone choosing to read.

Feedback- Positive and negative always welcome, it helps me grow as an author.

Disclaimer- Unfortunately none of the characters belong to me, the lyrics within this fic are from the song “Somewhere In Between” by Lifehouse.

Distribution- If you want it, lemme know where it’s going. vampyrslaya@hotmail.com


Phantasmagoria
By DarkSlaya 12.6.03


Buffy tossed and turned in her bed, she was hot and cold, angry and confused, but most of all, she was hurt. Emotionally, mentally, physically. She kicked off her covers, sending them falling to the floor. Yet she shivered. Tonight was probably one of the worst nights of her entire life.

Every time she closed her eyes even for a second, she could relive the entire thing. The screaming, the scratching, the burning, the tears, the anger. From the moment Spike walked in the bathroom door until the moment he left. The imagery wouldn’t go away.

What the hell had happened to him to make him go completely crazed? She tried to make endless excuses for his lack of sanity, but she couldn’t make herself believe any of them. Feeling the tears returning, she took a tissue from the box on her nightstand and clenched it in her fist.

She couldn’t take it anymore; she climbed out of bed and turned on her lamp. Looking in the mirror at herself she just felt so different. So bruised, so helpless. She stared at herself, hoping that the mirror would have some answers. It remained mute. Closing her eyes, the tears began to flow once more. “Why? Why’d you have to do that...?” Her chin raised to the ceiling, she spoke into the stillness of the air.

~*I can't be losing sleep
Over this, no I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing*~

---------


Far out of Sunnydale’s grasp, Spike got himself a hotel room to shelter himself from the sunlight. He was still full of intense rage, but he was strangely calm. He stepped into his room and immediately closed the curtains to keep out as much light as possible. There was a reclining chair sat in the corner of the room. Spike sat there.

He stared at the disgustingly faded floral wallpaper with a blank expression on his face. He couldn’t for the unlife of him, figure out why he had done what he did. Thought he could make her his, thought she’d surrender to him. Not likely, but that’s what he thought.

He sat there, in that quiet, cold hotel room, for hours. Just thinking and occasionally muttering a few obscene words to himself. He soon began to realize that Buffy would definitely never allow him to be around her for more than five seconds without staking him dead. He realized he still loved her above all else. You always hurt the one you love, right? Stupid theory that was when it came to hurting Buffy.

He screwed up big time. No way he’d let this lie. Never.

~*This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning
I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy*~

----------

The next morning, Buffy went downstairs to make Dawn’s breakfast. To start the day. She was shaking. Not from the cold, but from a feeling of unease. She now had to face the ones she loved and they’d definitely question her currant state. Her bruised wrists and silenced voice.

With her arms wrapped around her body, she watched the French toast brown in the frying pan; she chewed her bottom lip and closed her eyes. She was so very tired, but she dare not sleep. For fear of nightmares and for fear he'd come back and hurt her again.

She never feared him like this before, she thought. Every night when she would go to him, he welcomed her into his embrace and offered her some solace. As much as she hated to admit it, she would have never been able to deal if it wasn’t for him and the comfort he gave to her so willingly. Almost made her want to forgive him.

In some sense, it was her fault all of this happened. She used him. She broke things off with him. She hurt him. After all he did for her. No wonder he did what he did, he had very good reasons. Or did he?

“Buffy? Hello?” Dawn was waving her hand in front of Buffy’s face. “You’re burning my French toast.” Dawn took it upon herself to take the food before it got too dark and put it onto a plate.

“Oh.. sorry, I...must have dozed, didn‘t get much sleep last night.” Buffy whispered out. All the while just wishing she was still in heaven, not dealing with any of this. She always knew deep down that letting Spike into her life would end badly.

After making sure Dawn was satisfied with breakfast and off to school, Buffy sat on the couch in the living room and turned on the TV. Not even five minutes and one Price Is Right game later, she was sound asleep, curled in a ball.

She had a dream. A dream of better days. A dream she never wanted to wake up from. It was surreal, but it felt so...happy, she felt so strong. Her mother sat in a chair in the dinning room at the head of the table, while she, Spike, and Dawn all sat on the side. They were all laughing. Buffy didn’t know why though. Then the images of the previous night filtered their way into the sunlight of her dream, casting a nightmarish gray shadow over everything nice.

~*Cause I'm waiting for tonight
And then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream
What is real and just a dream
What is real and just a dream*~

--------

Night after night Spike paced the floor of a dirty cave. Getting his soul was harder than he had ever expected. He was a madman for going through those trials. It was for her though. The only way he could apologize to her. The only way she’d see that he really meant it and wasn’t just saying it to get back on her good side.

It would be a while before he saw her again, he knew that. On some level, he figured it would be better anyway, it would give her time to recover, time to think things through and hopefully she wouldn’t be as angry. If she were he wouldn’t blame her though.

When the time finally came for him to see her again, his unlife was getting straighten out slowly. He had a place to stay, compliments of Whistler who happened to hear of Spike’s little adventure. He cleaned up his look, put on his best outfit, and got in his car at the first sign of nightfall, which was eight PM.


~*Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don’t be surprised if I collapse
Down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this*~

At about half past eight, Buffy was in the living room, watching some TV after sending Dawn upstairs to finally work on her homework. The new school year had only just begun and Dawn was already slacking far behind in her work. Her attention was pulled from the television when she heard a knock at the door.

Spike stood outside the door, stepping back a few steps, he didn’t want to be too close when she came to the door. Assuming it would be her answering the door. He took in deep unneeded breaths to prepare himself for any possible reaction.

Buffy opened the front door and said not a word. She looked Spike in the eyes, not with anger or fear or threat, but with understanding. She knew why he was there, something told her deep inside that he was different, ready to accept responsibility for what he had done. Stepping aside, she allowed him to walk in.

He cautiously walked into the foyer, taking in his surroundings. The visuals, the aromas, the sounds, they had changed so much since last time he was here. It felt new. It made him feel somewhat comfortable being there.

Buffy stood in front of him, not saying anything. Waiting for him to speak first. Her arms nervously bent at her sides.

Spike places his hands in his coat pockets. He was wearing a new leather jacket, shorter one, less rebellious looking. “Buffy... I...” He stammered at first, then paused to compose his thoughts. “I know what I did was wrong. I am sorry with all of my soul, for what I’ve done to you. I would do anything to take it all back, unfortunately I’m unable to do that. So I’m offering you my deepest, most honest apology.” He paused again for a moment. “In addiction to that, you should know I wasn’t avoiding the fact that I’m guilty of what I did for all these months, I was getting my act together, so I didn’t make a bigger wanker of myself than I already did. You never deserved how I treated you. I didn’t and still do not deserve you. I just needed you to know those things.” He looked at her still, then turned to walk out the door.

“Spike...wait.” She grabbed his arm. “I forgive you.” She really did. No doubt about that. The look in her eyes, the sparkle, it said it all. “I’d like for you to stay...if you can.” Accepting her offer, Spike stayed. For there continued the cycle. Enemies. Friends. Lovers. Friends. Enemies. Friends. Fate only knew where they would go next.

~*I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream*~

.:Fin:.





You must login (register) to review.