~*~
“So, Oz thinks he may have come up with a revenge plan.”
Buffy groaned, but she couldn’t stop herself from smiling. “Are you guys seriously thinking of doing that?”
“Of course!” Willow was the picture of innocence. “Someone hurt our friend. We have to kill them.”
Buffy blinked. “Um, Willow? Psycho behavior not of the good…”
“Harmony being beaten to death with, with a shovel,” Willow suggested. “Is that of the good?”
She shouldn’t smile. She really, really shouldn’t smile.
Well, she didn’t smile at least. She broke into a fit of giggles. “You’re insane!”
“But it’s the fun kind,” Willow said cheerfully.
“To be honest, Wills, I’m kind of surprised,” Buffy admitted. “Usually Faith is the bloodthirsty one.”
“It does kinda fit, doesn’t it?” Willow sighed. “I guess…you’re my best friend, and I knew that you and Spike were going to make with the naughty sooner or later. But then Harmony came along, and I’m worried that it’ll all go kaplooey. And then, poof! Spike will be gone and you’ll be a mess and—“
“You know, people have this thing called breathing, might wanna try it,” Buffy said, cheerfully.
“Sorry, babbling.” Willow hung her head. “But there was a point to it.”
“What?”
“Revenge,” Willow said enthusiastically. It was lucky, Buffy mused, that this particular part of the park was all but deserted right now—her friend sounded more than a little unhinged. “Getting back at Harmony for being such an evil, life-ruining bi—“
“Willow!”
“What? We were both thinking it.”
Buffy shook her head. “Okay, now I know you’ve been hanging out with Faith too long. Where’s nice, sweet Willow, who would never call anyone a bitch no matter how much it was deserved?”
“Harmony killed her with balls of paper,” Willow said promptly.
“Aww, poor good Willow,” she said sympathetically. “So now evil Willow’s getting revenge?”
“Something like that.” Willow yawned. “Wow, I need sleep. What time is it, anyway?”
“Five o’clock—crap!” Buffy slapped herself in the forehead. “I was supposed to meet Fred at our house…”
“That’s right, she’s doing the house-sitting thing.” Willow grinned at her friend mischievously. “Are you parents leaving before tomorrow night?”
“Willow,” Buffy groaned. “It’s only dinner.”
“Right, and Spike is only completely in love with you,” she teased. “It’s definitely something bigger than dinner.”
“Please, don’t make me any more nervous!” Buffy exclaimed. “I’m already freaking out. And I love Fred to death, but she’s gonna ask me about it, and it’ll drive me crazy.”
“Don’t you think you’re counting chickens a bit?” Willow asked, kicking a rock. They’d turned around and were headed back towards Buffy’s house.
“Said the girl who’s trying to convince me Spike’s planning on tomorrow being some huge romantic thing,” Buffy said, amused. “No. If Fred knows about the dinner thing—and she will, of course—then she’ll make a big deal out of it. She was happy about us when she found out.”
“When was this, again?”
“The engagement party.” Buffy smiled wistfully. “She was…happy. And I wasn’t so sure about it, then. I remember being so massively confused…”
“At least it’s more straightforward now,” the redhead said encouragingly. “Now you know you love Spike and hate Harmony.”
“I always knew that.” Buffy grimaced, wrinkling her nose. “Stupid hair-dyed skank.”
“Um, Buffy?”
“What?”
“Didn’t you tell me one time that Clairol owned your soul?”
A pause. Then: “Shut up.”
They were giggling as they walked back.
~*~
“Buffy!”
“Uf!” All the air was pushed out of her as her older cousin practically barreled into her.
“Buffy!” came the muffled voice from her shoulder. “I’m so happy to see you! How have you been?”
Buffy grinned at her awkwardly as they stepped apart, Fred grabbing her shoulders and looking her up and down as though she hadn’t seen the her in years. “They know about Spike, Fred.”
The smile that broke out on her face could only be called brilliant. “Oh, that’s all right, then,” she said, sounding much more relaxed. “I don’t have to worry about being the secret-keeping girl?”
“Nope,” Buffy said cheerfully. “Although Dad might explode if you talk about him.”
“I will not!” Hank exclaimed indignantly.
Fred just shook her head, still smiling. Buffy could tell that she was more than a little happy that her parents were in the loop again. She was smart, but Fred just plain couldn’t deal with deceit.
“Yes, you will, honey,” Joyce said fondly, patting his arm. “Anyway, we’d better get going. New York is a long ways away, and I don’t want to have to run to catch my flight.”
“Right.” Hank drew himself up to full height and fixed Buffy with a glare. “No drinking,” he began sternly. “No drugs. No parties, no sex--“
“Dad!” she exclaimed, mortified. “Fred’s staying over! I’m not gonna host an orgy or something while she’s here!”
If anything, that comment made him look even more stern. “You had better not,” he said, his eyebrows drawn down in a grimace of distaste.
Holy shit. She really wasn’t trusted much, was she? Buffy was about to tell her dad just exactly what she thought of his rules when Fred interrupted hastily.
“I’m sure we’ll be fine,” she said, smiling nervously. “But you guys have a plane to catch!” And then, to Buffy’s amusement, the willowy brunette all but threw her dad out of his own house.
When her parents had finally driven off, Fred turned to Buffy with a bright smile. “Finally!” she said. “I remember when my parents were like that, but it still drives me up the wall. They go crazy when you’re a teenager, don’t they?”
“Yeah,” Buffy agreed. “Although…” Images of the couch session that had led to her parents finding out about them flashed before her eyes. “They have their reasons,” she concluded mischievously.
Fred’s mouth fell open. “You mean…”
Buffy nodded, barely concealing her happiness. “It’s been working…well between us lately.”
“Buffy, that’s wonderful!” Fred hugged her impulsively. “But you know, if he so much as makes you cry, I’ll have to start plotting revenge.”
She couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Willow and Oz and everybody are already doing that,” she said, and explained the “Slut of Sunnydale” debacle that centered around the high school.
By the time she finished, Fred looked absolutely disgusted. “That’s ridiculous!”
“Isn’t it?” Buffy agreed, grimacing. “But for some reason, that’s just how it’s been. People are insane, I swear. It’s like…ooh, Buffy’s love life! Let’s obsess over it and torture both people who are involved!”
“Well, he is twenty-six,” Fred pointed out reasonably.
“I don’t care!” As far as Buffy was concerned, reason could go do some very nasty and explicit things to itself. “I’m half tempted to announce that I’m a lesbian and my life partner is some skanky biker chick twice my age, or something,” she grumbled. “Stupid world.”
Fred laughed, but not unkindly, and patted her cousin’s shoulder sympathetically. “Tell you what. Since it’s my first night here, how about we order pizza and watch some girly movies. Sound good?”
“Definitely,” Buffy said, relieved.
And they did just that.
After the movie was over, Fred stretched and sighed. “I’d better be getting to bed—you should, too, since it’s a school night. Do I get the guest room?”
“Of course. Did you think you’d be sleeping on the couch, or something?”
“I honestly wasn’t sure. Although I did want to come,” Fred added hastily.
“I know. Better you than, say, Uncle Giles.” Buffy grinned.
“You didn’t just say that!” Fred exclaimed, laughing. “Dad? The poor man would have a coronary if you started talking about Spike. Not that he’s a bad guy or anything, but…”
“Uncle Giles doesn’t like the whole May-December thing,” Buffy finished.
Fred grimaced. “Not exactly, no.” Her expression changed into mischief when she asked, “So, why are you so concerned? Got something planned?”
“Actually, it’s more like Spike has something planned.” Buffy explained the redecoration and dinner idea. By the end of the story, Fred was smiling like an idiot.
“That’s so adorable, Buffy! So romantic,” Fred sighed. “I remember the first time Wesley kissed me…”
“Wait. Is this, like, something most guys do?” Okay, so she sounded seriously naïve…but Fred was engaged, for crying out loud. Buffy had a vested interest in finding out more about this whole engagement thing.
“He did—just a few months ago, actually.” Fred ducked her head and mumbled something that Buffy couldn’t make out.
“Speak up, cousin dear. I can’t hear you,” Buffy sang.
“That was the night he proposed to me,” Fred repeated, her face bright red.
Buffy found herself following suit. “Oh. Um…that’s nice,” she said inanely, wanting nothing more than to bury her head beneath the couch pillows and never look up again.
Fred said something else, and then Buffy replied, and after awhile the conversation started up again. Thinking on it later, she was pretty sure they’d conversed normally. She remembered saying goodnight to her cousin, hugging her and thanking her for coming, since it mean that Giles didn’t have to.
But in between then and Fred’s mention of engagement, the only think Buffy really remembered was a thought, stretching across her mind like a huge neon sign: HOLY SHIT.
She’d known—she’d known this was coming. But lying in bed that night, it seemed to finally hit.
She doubted Spike was going to propose marriage on the spot, but somehow, the mention of Fred’s engagement had turned Buffy into a complete nerve wreck. It had brought into sharp focus the now painfully undeniable fact: she and Spike were building a life together, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready or not.
It was ridiculous, really. Spike had asked her about it that afternoon at his apartment when they’d talking about redecorating. But now…now. Now she knew just how low Sunnydale would sink when it came to butting into her personal life. Now she knew what it felt like to be reviled for being a slut, and to suspect that at least a little bit of it was true.
This wasn’t by any means the first time she had gotten grief because of Spike. A 22 year old being semi-friends with a 12 year old just plain couldn’t remain inconspicuous in a place like Sunnydale. Spike had been called a pedophile and plenty of other less lawyerly names. But it had been Spike then. Buffy had made with the righteous indignation, but everyone except her peers left her alone; and her peers had always hated her anyway.
Not now. Now, she was a partner in what Sunnydale viewed as a crime, and everyone—including Buffy herself—knew it.
What is wrong with you people? she wanted to scream. I’m a person! I can think and reason and care and love and we’re happy, so go screw yourselves!
And yet, no amount of defiance in the world could erase the fact that every barb, every whisper, every sideways glance, made her doubt this whole thing that much more.
She loved Spike. God, she loved him like she loved life and Mr. Gordo. But people died and stuffed animals shredded in the wash. There was nothing and no one to say that their love wouldn’t go the same way, and plenty of evidence to say that it would.
So as she lay silently in bed, the question that tortured her—the one that kept her awake far later than it should have, the one that kept her staring at the ceiling when she should have been sleeping—was one that she felt ashamed to even be thinking.
Am I strong enough for this?
~*~
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I love you guys. Seriously. The WB's show Supernatural has just about eaten my brain, as those of you who read my LJ know, but still, you guys rock my socks. Just wanted to toss that out there.