Disclaimer: I don’t make any money from this, just like making the Spuffy world a little nicer.

*Regular text = quotes, Italic text = a person’s thoughts


Sometimes she still couldn’t believe it. No matter how many years had passed, no matter how many curious looks she received – she still didn’t recognize it as her own. It was so unfamiliar to her, as alien as the idea was that Dawn was not her sister. But it was there nevertheless, an ever present reminder of that one single moment. The moment that brought joy and sorrow into her heart all at the same time and could never be described as anything more.

When people were brave enough to ask her about it, they said many things – trying to be polite. Some of her comments were: it’s interesting, adds character, but her all time favorite was “oh, you can hardly notice it.” That always made her laugh, not notice it, how could you not notice something that was such a defining part of her life.

And the funny thing was, she wasn’t talking about the wedding ring that weighed down her finger, no it was the scar. A permanent marker of what had transpired between her and her lover down in the pits of hell. Willow had once said she could remove it and Buffy considered it, but decided against it. After all, it was the physical manifestation of the only time she’d ever really loved.

At first, it seemed that her hand was healing, using the good old slayer capabilities, but then for some reason it stopped. The lines where the flames had joined their two hands together seemed to grow deeper and redder, almost as if a testimony to the pain they’d brought to each other’s lives. The only place that the scarring didn’t reach was where their palms had fused together. That was the only spot left untouched, almost mocking her, telling her that if she’d only truly been with him then the scars that the eyes couldn’t see would be erased from her as well. But she never really knew exactly…

“Buffy!” Causing the ex-slayer to look up startled.
“What?” She asked her boss, an overstuffed man who thought that just because Buffy’s job title was secretary, he could treat her like his own personal slave. She’d been working here forever, just after she and her husband had moved back to America. It was a small shipping company and she had the wonderful responsibility of making sure everything got to where it was supposed to be.

“Did the Murphy package get to where it needed to go?”
“Of course Mr. Lyle, I sent if off three days ago.” Like I don’t know how to do this job after 15 years.
“Good, good. Sometimes I don’t know where your head is. With Spike, always with Spike. You’ve always been such a day dreamer – but then you’re a looker too, so I guess that’s why I keep you around.” Yeah, that and I’m the only one that puts up with your stupidity. Spike would have threatened to eat her boss, but her husband only offered her comfort.

It’s not like her husband wasn’t kind to her. He was amazing, someone who would make any girl happy, just not her. Don’t get her wrong, she led a fairly content life, full of everything that a woman needed: a husband, a job, a comfy house on the coast of Maine, and the aching emptiness of not being able to have children. Take that one Angel – no fat grand-babies for me. Her husband hadn’t minded, his only comment was that instead, if she didn’t want to adopt, he would spend the extra time spoiling her. Of course, his idea of spoiling her was adamant praise for things that most people take for granted – like a nice clean house.

Joe Reed. That was her husband. Joe, a tall man, with dark hair that was slowly starting to have more salt than pepper who was about five years older than herself. He was very mild mannered, polite, considerate, the very antithesis of Spike. Buffy would have chosen someone more like her lost vampire, but it hurt too much to be involved with anyone who reminded her of Spike in even the smallest of ways.

“Buffy!!”
“Yes, Mr. Lyle?” God now what?
“You drifted off from me again; I was going to ask if you were going to take your lunch break since that package was sent.”
“Oh, right…thanks….um, yeah. I’ll see you in an hour.” Finally, she could be away from him.

Of course, being away from work wasn’t something that she necessarily liked. Being alone only led her to memories. In order to avoid this, she used to have lunch with Joe, but he recently got a new job in a non-profit legal aid office, further up the coast and there wasn’t enough time. So instead Buffy went to a diner not far from work to let the memories overtake her.

Normally she remembered happier times, or at least that was the way that her heart let her remember them. The countless hours that they had spent making love in his crypt (yes she altered that idea too). But today, she wasn’t allowed. Something about the ominous clouds made her think of his eyes that day where she truly lost him.

She’d been living in Rome, happily being drunk at 10 am and hanging off the arm of the Immortal. Not because she loved him, hell she didn’t even like him, hence the drunkenness. But he was a link, a link to her old world. He knew them, Angel and Spike, even if his tales didn’t put either of them in a favorable light, they were still stories that she didn’t know. Stories that later on when she was falling asleep, she could pretend that Spike was telling them to her, in one of the rare times that he would tell her a story that embarrassed him, just to make her laugh.

One night, she’d come home and found Andrew fidgeting nervously in her living room. At first he wouldn’t tell her what was wrong, but he’d eventually given up the secret: Spike was alive. He apparently had been for some time, but didn’t contact her and according to Andrew didn’t want to. Some stupid reasoning about not being able to top his exit. Like she gave a damn about that. She just wanted him back!

Buffy just stood there stricken, very reminiscent of a Glory inspired catatonia. Andrew finally had to lead her to bed, hoping that she’d come out of it in awhile. But she didn’t – just kept thinking he didn’t believe me, I told him I loved him and he didn’t believe me. It had hurt so much when he’d said it. But she tried to be logical about it, he was just trying to get her out of that cave, right? That’s what she tried to tell herself. She had to believe it, because if she didn’t he’d just be another man that left her. She wasn’t enough for another person. But that couldn’t have been what he meant. He was in her heart and he couldn’t believe it. As adamant as she’d been that he couldn’t love her, was the same conviction that he couldn’t not. It was in his make up; he just didn’t stop loving someone. Even if Dru needed help after all of these years, he’d do it – because he’d once loved her.

Admittedly, she’d treated him horribly. Maybe he couldn’t believe it, not yet anyway. Granted she didn’t pick the best of settings to convince someone of her undying love, but she hadn’t recognized it until then. Spike had been larger than life, he couldn’t die, and he’d always be around. But at the moment, she realized that she really could lose him and that had given her the sudden realization that she’d loved him all along.

She had to convince him, so she broke off whatever freak show she’d with the Immortal and flew to Los Angeles. The whole flight over, she’d been thinking that she could finally stop pretending to be happy for everyone else. If she got Spike back, then she could truly be happy, perhaps happier than she’d ever allowed herself. She knew the moment that she saw him she’d fly into his arms and into the rest of her life.

Don’t get her wrong, she was going to give him a good talking to for not coming back to her, but then she was just going to enjoy being in his arms, being able to smell those distinct things that made him Spike: whiskey, cigarette smoke, and leather. She’d kept a few of his shirts just to remind herself of his essence. But she rarely allowed herself to open the plastic bag that they were in, so as not to lose the smell. She’d even gone so far as to buy an unseemly amount of black shirts to wear to sleep at night. Pathetic, but also in love.

When she’d gotten to Wolfram & Hart, she tried to push down the worry that he didn’t love her anymore and that Andrew was only trying to spare her feelings with that ridiculous story of his death meaning nothing to her. She’d understand if he didn’t…no, she couldn’t think like that. That had to be another reason why he didn’t come back to her.

Stepping off the elevator, she nearly had a stroke seeing Harmony as the receptionist. God, why hadn’t I killed her when I had the chance.

“Buffy! Oh, God don’t kill me. I’m so sorry about that time my Blondie Bear and I had sex on the copier, I mean we didn’t finish, but he’s sooo yummny and….I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that sex part, but…”
“Just shut up Harmony and where is he!?” He slept with someone else. Oh, god he slept with someone else. Anya on the table, Harmony on the copier. He doesn’t love me, never loved me. NO, he does, just stupid vampire mentality. Want, take, have…I’m the one he loves.

Harmony finally pointed the way to Angel’s office, neglecting to tell Buffy that he was in the middle of a meeting with Wesley, Fred, Gunn, Lorne, and Angel. Everyone stopped speaking the second she walked into the room. Oh, God there he is. He’s here, oh God he’s here…I. Buffy flung herself into his arms and began sobbing into his coat, not noticing that his arms weren’t around her. Not noticing that he was making no move toward her at all, barely allowing her to clutch at him. He feels so good, just like I remember, God I missed him, I’ll be so good for him, never hurt him again. I swear God, I’ll never hurt him again, just let me keep him; let me have just this one thing. Please. I, God he’s really here.

“Spike?” When she finally noticed that he was not as happy to see her as she was to see him. “What’s wrong?...aren’t you happy to see….?”

“Happy to see you! Happy to see the woman who’s made my life bloody miserable for the last 6 fucking years. I highly doubt that pet.

“What?” Buffy said, unsure exactly if she was still imaging her worst nightmares, or if this was really happening. “Spike, please, I-I know I was wrong, I’m-I’m sorry, I want to make it up to you, be who you needed me to be all along. I’m ready…I-I love you.

“I-I love you. Is that how you got good ole brood boy and whitebread to confess their undying love to you? With that bloody awful stuttering.”

“Spike?” God this couldn’t be happening. “Getting your just rewards” kept echoing in her mind.

“I don’t want you here Slayer, I’ve moved on and it’d be best if you did to.”
“But…”
“No buts Slayer. You and me, we were a bloody perversion to the entire bleeding galaxy. Vamps and Slayers aren’t meant to mix. That’s why your first honey left and that’s why I’m putting an end to this pathetic display. I’ve followed you around long enough and now I’m through with this…oh, how did you put it once luv…oh yeah, this ‘freak show.’ Goodbye.”

With that, Spiked walked out of the office and Buffy collapsed. No, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOO. Then she was being held down by Angel. “Shh sweetheart, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

Buffy later woke up in another room with the shades drawn and not having a clue as to where she was. Then she saw Angel.

“Why doesn’t he want me?”
“Buffy I…”
“Why did you leave me? Is it the same reason why he left, Riley left? What’s wrong with me?” Not enough, never enough.
“He was supposed to love me you know. Not the way that you loved me, just as the Slayer; not the way Riley loved me, just as the girl; but all of me…and now he doesn’t want any of me.
“Buffy I…”
“He left, he wasn’t so supposed to ever…”
“What happened to your hand Buffy?”
“What? Oh, burned, in the hellmouth. Willow said she could fix it, but then there really wouldn’t be anything left. Not him, not his love, not even his memory.”
“Wait, you got that from Spike? Why would you keep it?”
“Because I love him and he didn’t believe me, doesn’t even love me.” Never enough.
“Buff you don’t know what you’re saying, you don’t love…” *Slap*
“Don’t ever say that again Angel. I’ll love him until I die.” I’ve got to find him, make him understand.” With that Buffy got off the bed and went to find Spike. She looked down every corridor, trying to use her senses to find the vampire. Finally, she found him in the lab talking with the pretty, brown haired girl from the meeting.

“Spike, you’re hard to find in this place. I thought that maybe we could….”
“Oh bollocks! What the hell are you doing here? Sod off!” Buffy moved closer to him, putting her hand over his chest where she’d seen the medallion slowly burn into him. “I love you, Spike, please, I’m not stuttering and I’m not running away this time. Give me one more chance. Please?” Buffy said with a confidence that she did not feel. She thought that perhaps, her normal bravado would goad him into at least talking to her, but she was wrong.

“No.”
“But.”
“It’s not worth it.”
“You’re saying that I’m not worth the effort of a relationship? How can he say that to me?
“No.”
Oh God. “So, you’re saying that, th-that I’m not worth it?” Please don’t say yes, not again, can’t live through it again.
“You said it, not me goldilocks.”
Not you too Spike; you were supposed to be the one here for me.
“But…”
“Go back to your happy little life in Rome, with your snuggly Immortal and get the bloody hell out of this town.” As Spike turned to get away, Buffy thought over what he said. Oh! “Spike, wait. Are you jealous of the Immortal? Nothing happened, I swear, he just knew stories of you so I listened. It didn’t mean anything.”
“Hmmm, now that sounds familiar, Slayer. Not meaning anything. Kinda like our time together. How’s that now, oh yeah, just convenient. Well guess what luv, you were convenient too. Should have seen the faces on the demons down at Willy’s when I told them how easy it was for me to get the Slayer to spread her pretty little thighs for me. God what a riot!”
“I don’t believe you!” He loved, no loves, me more than this, he’s just jealous.
“Well believe it pet. Sure, I might have been your little lap dog back in SunnyD, but guess what? We aren’t in that bloody place anymore. I’m as free of you as the planet’s free of that waste of space. Now piss off!”
“Spike!”
“Get on with it Slayer, I’m tired at looking at your face, especially when it’s all streaked with those pathetic tears.”

“Miss?...Miss?”
“Oh, yes, I’m sorry, just daydreaming.” Buffy was brought out of her thoughts by the appearance of the waitress with the check.
“Thank you” Buffy mumbled. Well, I guess its back to work, then home to Joe.




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