Chapter 12
The pale pink sunlight, tinged with traces of purple that peeked around the corner of the shades, told them that dawn wasn’t too far gone…and yet, Buffy was leaving his bed.
She was standing there in just the red thong, looking for where it was he’d thrown the babydoll the night before.
Spotting it strewn atop the dresser, she rushed over to pick it up and slipped it over her head before turning around and jumping when she saw him propped up on his elbows on the bed.
“What’re you doing up?” she asked frantically, trying to smooth the bit of lingerie down, hoping in vain that it would somehow grow a few extra inches….or feet.
“Could ask you the same question.” He’d meant it to sound sarcastic when he originally thought it, but after hearing her tone and seeing the look on her face, it came out much more menacing.
“I…” ‘Be strong, Buffy,’ she told herself. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep in here. Sorry. I’m going to get going to my room now.”
Without another word, she started walking to the door, thanking her lucky stars that he was letting her go; she wasn’t sure how much of an explanation for her leaving she was going to be able to give him.
But before she’d even progressed five paces, Spike was standing there in front of her, blocking the doorway. Not to mention being fairly distracting, what with his nakedness and all.
“And why is that, luv?” he asked, looking down on her accusingly.
“Because,” she began, looking around him to a point on the wall—she was ready to do this now, as long as she didn’t have to look him in the eye. “Last night was fun, but that’s all it was: fun. It’s not like we’re starting something here or anything. I’m still going to sleep in my room and you’re still going to sleep in here. I didn’t mean to fall asleep in here, sorry.”
Even though, since he’d woken to find her gathering her clothes and sneaking out of his room so early in the morning, he’d been expecting that….even though….it still hurt.
And it also stunned him enough that he didn’t try again to stop her as she made her way around him and out of the room before going, presumably, to her own bedroom.
Not really thinking of anything at all, Spike walked back to the bed and sat on the edge, staring at the closed door for several minutes in silence before falling onto his back on the bed.
He tried to tell himself that it didn’t matter. That, like she’d said, it had been fun. That he’d been able to have sex with an incredibly attractive woman.
But that’s all it had been, sex. And with Buffy, his Buffy, he wanted it to be so much more. He wanted there to be feelings—love—behind it. Wanted to be able to tell her he loved her as he brought her such pleasure; wanted to hear her return the sentiment. And mean it.
And, foolishly, that’s what he’d thought was going to happen. He’d thought that…God it had been stupid, but he’d thought that they’d developed something during all those phone calls and that, last night, it was finally all coming to fruition.
Buffy had just been doing her job, he realized now. All those times that he felt she was really letting him in, letting him get to know her, she was just doing what she thought was necessary to keep him calling.
Hot tears silently slipped from his eyes as he stared sightlessly at the ceiling.
He was supposed to be rejoicing in the fact that he’d found a sexy woman who would provide him with no strings attached sex whenever he wanted….that’s what he was supposed to be doing.
He was a man, after all.
But above all of that, he was William. And it hurt to think she didn’t feel anything for him. That it had all been a job to her.
The tears silently continued as he cursed himself for being a fool for love again. And for getting burned.
Again.
* * *
After she practically ran into her own room, not wanting to give Spike a chance to stop her again, Buffy went into the bathroom and turned the taps until gradually warming water was spraying out of the shower.
She waited for a fair bit of steam to be floating around the room, letting her know that the water was in fact hot, before she stripped off her clothing and stuck her hand in the shower to test the temperature.
It was the right temperature, just hot enough to be relaxing but not burn her.
Buffy was just about to step through the open shower door when it all suddenly hit her, so hard that for the first time she knew what the phrase ‘like a ton of bricks’ meant.
Stumbling backwards to the door until her back hit it, making it shake in the frame, Buffy slid, naked, down to the floor. Drawing her legs tightly to her chest and wrapping her arms around her knees, she huddled her face in her folded arms and wept.
She wanted to say she was crying, but it was so much more than mere crying. She was weeping as if her heart were breaking. Which sounded incredibly melodramatic, but also appeared to be true.
She’d really felt something for William, developed strong feelings for him over the course of all those phone calls. And he’d seemed to care for her too. But she guessed that was just him placating her so she’d keep him ‘satisfied’.
If she’d had any doubts as to that fact—which she hadn’t—but if she had, his readiness to jump into bed with her would have squashed them.
She didn’t acknowledge the fact that the absolute reverse could also have been why he was so willing to spend the night with her.
Instead her heart broke over the fact that yet another man didn’t really want her.
Sniffling and rubbing roughly at her eyes with the heels of her hands, Buffy decided that she was going to have control of this relationship. Everyone else had left her with no options on her part. She wasn’t going to let Spike be the one making all the decisions.
They’d keep having sex because it was the only part of him she could have and because it was the thing that she could have control over.
Yes, that was going to work perfectly, she concluded, getting up and stepping into the still steaming shower. She wasn’t going to let Spike hurt her. Not like the others had.
* * *
But even as he thought it—that she’d simply been doing her job during all of those calls—he knew it wasn’t really the truth. Or at least, he refused to believe that it was.
Buffy just thought this was what she needed to do. Whether she were scared because, as she’d said, she didn’t think anyone would ever love her, or if she was worried about his relation to her father….whatever it was, he knew she was just trying to play it safe; to keep it meaningless.
He was going to prove to her that it was not meaningless and that she didn’t need to be afraid. And he was going to use her own plan against her—or rather, for her. He was going to use the sex they had to show her that he did care, even loved her quite possibly.
He was going to prove it to her.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey everyone! This is Panta_Rei again, updating for Suzee since her computer's messed up. She's incredibly flattered by all the feedback she's been getting--don't forget to leave her lots of reviews to come back to. ;)
Also, she wanted me to remind you guys that Silently Broken was updated Tuesday, too, right before the site went down; it's an important chapter, so she wanted to be sure everyone had read it.
Also, she wanted me to remind you guys that Silently Broken was updated Tuesday, too, right before the site went down; it's an important chapter, so she wanted to be sure everyone had read it.