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Author's Chapter Notes:
at the end...also, thank you to everyone who *hasn't* quit reading this story :)
Chapter 28

Harmony was driving Spike insane with her inane chatter. The woman never knew when to shut up. She was twenty nine years old but Spike could have sworn she was in high school with the way she acted; so caught up in gossip and the drama of who said what to who. He knew he was being a complete chauvinist, dating Harmony for looking like Buffy and for being good for the occasional snog--but he didn't much care at the moment.

"Spikey! Aren't you listening to me?" Harmony's voice broke into his thoughts.

"Of course I am, pet," He assured her. "Just, uh, got distracted by your beauty," he lied. "What was it you were saying?"

"Ahh," Harmony cooed, "Aren't you just like the sweetest boyfriend ever! Come here." In direct contradiction to her words though, she walked across the living room to sit on Spike's lap. "I just love my Blondie Bear so much!"

Spike really wished she wouldn't say stuff like that. This was just supposed to be something fun--or if not fun then at least superficial. But Harmony apparently didn't see it that way.

"Spikey?" Harmony whispered to him, her fingers playing along his chest.

"Yeah, Harm?" he asked, raising his eyebrows in question.

"Has it been a while yet?"

Spike froze and tried to think of how he could buy himself some time. "A while for what, pet?" he asked even though he knew exactly what she was talking about.

"For, you know," she kept up he motion along his chest, leaning in to try to kiss him, "What we talked about like last week."

Think Harmony would believe him if he claimed he'd developed amnesia in the last two minutes? Nah, even she wasn't that stupid. At least, probably. But that meant that Spike had to make a decision.

He and Harmony had been dating very regularly--at least once a week for the last two months. So this was to be expected.

Sex.

If they'd been anyone else it would have already happened, but they weren't. They were them. And there was Buffy...Buffy, Buffy, bloody fucking Buffy. Why was she always fucking with his life? Ever since he'd first talked to her she'd turned his world upside down. God, he was even dating a woman just because they looked slightly similar, but also not having sex with that woman because he thought it would be betraying Buffy.

It was that last thought--that he'd be betraying Buffy--that made his decision for him. What would he be betraying? Buffy didn't want him, she'd made that perfectly clear. Harmony, on the other hand, was making it perfectly clear that she did want him.

So what was the problem?

'Yeah, Spike,' he asked himself silently, 'What's the problem?'

The problem was that he still wanted Buffy. But that didn't seem to matter too much anymore...if it ever had. He could want Buffy as much as he wanted for as long as he wanted and it wasn't going to change anything. Buffy didn't want him and she wasn't even in his life now.

He needed to move on.

And moving on included having sex with his girlfriend. It had been more than three months since he'd left California, for God's sake; it was more than time.

"How about we do it now?" Spike asked her. "Is now good for you?"

"Oooh," Harmony squealed, attacking him with kisses. "That's like so perfect!"

"C'mere then, pet," Spike growled as he flipped Harmony under him on the sofa and kissed her.


"Oh, Spikey," Harmony murmured when they were settled on the sofa, "That was like so perfect. I love you!"

Doing what he always did when she said something similar to that, he kissed her, hoping it would distract her.

It didn't.

"Why don't you love me?" she asked sadly but also with more than a hint of curiosity.

He didn't think that the truth would go over so well: 'Because I'm still in love with Buffy and I only seem to be capable of loving one woman at a time.' So, again, he lied.

"I'm just wary of saying anything like that...after my last girlfriend." Well, it wasn't really a complete lie.

"Aww, I'm sorry she was such a bitch."

"Don't call her that!" Spike hissed. "You don't get to talk about her like that."

"But you just did?" Harmony was confused--not exactly a rare occurrence.

"I didn't call her that—because she's not. Now just drop it, will you? I'm sure there's better things we can do than talk about my ex's. Don't you think so, sweetbreads?"



Spike hadn't had sex with Harmony more than twice that afternoon, but Harmony also didn't leave until after nine o'clock that night. It had been...fun. He wanted there to be some other word to describe it, wanted to say it was loving or amazing or emotional or something other than fun. Spike wasn't someone who traditionally slept with women he didn't love, but well...like he'd said (to himself), he loved Buffy.

He loved Buffy and he didn't see that going away anytime soon; Lord knows it should have already after the way she'd treated him. But the fact was, he still loved her and thought he might for the rest of his life. And that meant that he wasn't going to be able to love anyone else.

Maybe it made him strange but when he committed his heart to one woman, that was it. It got him hurt a lot, had him close to believing that love, mutual, requited love, didn't really exist. But it was what he did.

So yeah, he was having sex with Harmony, was probably going to regularly now given that she was his girlfriend, but he didn't see himself ever loving her. Some day he was going to have to tell that to Harmony. She might be an idiot, absolutely clueless about most of the world around her, but she didn't deserve to be kept in the dark like that. Not forever at least.

Maybe he could figure out a way, given time, to at least pretend. Even if it made him an ass. He didn't want to be alone for the rest of his life and that was what was going to happen unless he could either truly get over Buffy or learn to lie and tell another woman that he loved her.

Maybe he needed to get into therapy or something, because he was going to have a very depressing life if he always only loved Buffy and always saw other women as less than her—even in something as purely physically as sex.

Mostly, he decided, he just needed to stop thinking about Buffy. So what if Buffy was more beautiful than any other woman he'd ever seen? So what if she got to him more than anyone? Hell, so what if he had better sex with her than he had with anyone else—and it had nothing to do with her job?

None of those things mattered when you looked at the simple fact that Buffy didn't want him and that his being around only hurt her.

For the good of both of them he was going to have to put her out of his mind and pretend like he'd forgotten all about her.


TBC...........please review?


*ducks the pointy things that are quite possibly being thrown at her head* I know, I know..Harmony and Riley, I'm a very, very bad writer--but it's important to the plot and I don't like them anymore than you do....but they have to be around---at least for a little while.

I also posted a drabble collection here this week...so if you want ;) to read that...and it should open in a new windwo so hey, you can open it and review this...cool, huh?

and Just a Thing will be updated day after tomorrow (Thursday)





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