Author's Chapter Notes:
at the end--please read?
Chapter 30

As Buffy was falling asleep she thought, clearly, for the first time, that maybe she hadn't really done anything wrong with Spike. Maybe he was just taking it all wrong because it wasn't exactly what he wanted it to be.

Maybe she was just letting his overreaction get to her too much. Yeah, that was a definite possibility, she decided before deciding she'd think about it more in the morning. She was too tired right now to do too much more thinking.

*******

Buffy could hear what sounded like panting...and was that moaning? She was pretty sure it was, but...

Wary of just what she would find, Buffy opened her eyes. And promptly decided she should have done so much sooner.

Spike was sitting on the end of her bed; and he was completely nude. Even better was what he was doing. One hand was pumping up and down his rapidly hardening cock as he leaned back against the footboard of the bed, His tongue was peeking out from between his lips as he stroked himself. And she could see the beads of sweat beginning to form on his brow and just that tiny bit of moisture reminded her of other...moist things.

Buffy followed his hand as it ran up and down his cock, spreading the liquid that had leaked out of the tip as he moved his hand up and down....up and...down....up....down....and as she watched his hand, watched it so carefully as it moved, almost harshly but still with the finesse she'd come to associate with this man, she wondered just what his other hand was doing. She'd missed noticing it before and was curious now.

But when she did see where his other hand--or actually what it was doing, she wished, hopelessly, that she hadn't been so curious. Curiosity really did seem to kill that cat....or kitten in this case.

When she found him holding the cordless phone to his ear, she knew he was....that he was working. That all those moans and gasps and muttered words of pleasure that she hadn't noticed up 'til now weren't meant for her.

They were meant for whomever was on the other end of that phone line. For whoever was paying him. Whoever he was, at least temporarily working for.

Not for her.

Never for her. Not really.

That knowledge cut her deeper than she cared to admit. She wasn't supposed to feel this way for someone....for someone who...who was almost a whore--well at least in the technical 'I have sex for money' sense of the word.

Wasn't supposed to, but she did.

But then, before she had a chance to ask him to leave...or to just ask him what he was doing....what he was thinking; before she had a chance to do any of that, he was moving over her. The phone was still held tightly to his right ear, but now he was leaning over her, his left arm and right elbow supporting his weight.

And before she knew what was happening of had time to process just how...he was inside of her.

He was moving in and out, fast and hard, and it felt so damn good that for several minutes she didn't notice anything else. Couldn't notice anything else; nothing but the feel of him--long and hard--sliding in and out of her.

But eventually not even her denial prone mind could block everything else out and sound returned.

"You make me so hard," He gasped, "Do you know that? Make me so bloody hard, you do....Just you, luv. Only you." Buffy smiled at his words, closing her eyes as the feelings because just too much.

"And you're so tight...and wet, kitten," He whispered, the low, grumbly tone affecting her almost as much as the words themselves did.

Buffy knew how she must look right now, bucking under him as her thrust into her over and over again, her eyes shut tightly as she moaned and gasped, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything other than how Spike was making her feel. And how she was making him feel.

It was divine.

Before she knew it she was thrusting her hips up against his wildly as she felt her orgasm approaching. "Please, Spike," She begged, her voice low.

"Like it do you?" He asked sounding remarkably composed.

"You know I do," She answered. "Please," She tried again, "Please make me come, Spike!"

"Gonna make you feel so good, luv," He whispered, sounding close to her ear and when he pulled almost completely out of her and thrust in again harshly, her eyes popped open and--even as she screamed herself hoarse, the orgasm stronger than ever before--her world came crashing down around her.

There was the phone.

The evil phone that she'd forgotten all about.

Silently she cursed the phone...or what it meant, rather.

Spike hadn't been doing that with her, she'd just been a convenient warm body for him to get his rocks off with.

Even as he was breathing heavily against her neck, having just come inside her, Buffy couldn't stand the touch of him. Using as much energy as she had left, she shoved him off of her, uncaring of where or how he landed, and practically ran into the room's bathroom slamming the door shut behind her.



It was the sound of the slamming door which woke her. Which, if she thought about it, really didn't make any sense since a sound in your dream was not supposed to wake you from your dream. But it did. And Buffy was wide awake now.

Fumbling in the dark for her lamp switch, she blinked into the bright light once the lamp was switched on and pushed herself up so she was sitting against the headboard. Buffy drew in deep breaths of air as she closed her eyes and laid her head back against the wall, all in an attempt to gain control of her racing heart...and mind.

Leave it to her to have a dream where, to show herself how much of a complete and utter slut--not to mention horrible person--she was, she switched places with Spike.

She knew just what he'd felt that night, now. Knew just what he must think of her. And not only that, but now she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was true.

Before she could have pretended if she wanted to, but now there was no denying it. Every single word Spike had said when he left that day was the complete and utter truth.

She had treated his as a human sex toy; no better than the little vibrator she hid in her underwear drawer. Sure he felt better, but she hadn't treated him any better. And when she realized that she had done that, had consciously done that...had used another person just for sex, without any thought whatsoever to their person or anyone's feelings....Add to that that she'd made money from it..

That she could have sex with someone...just anyone really, for money...that, by definition, made her a whore. There was no going back from it now.

Really, it should have caused her a great deal more sadness than it did. To decide something like that about one’s self was a big thing, but all Buffy could manage to feel was...numb. Like she'd accepted it long ago and this was just one of the final steps into erasing even those last teeny tiny doubts from her mind.

Buffy never once thought, though, about the fact that that night she hadn't really been on the phone with anyone. She'd set up the phone so that it called her cell, no one had been on the other end of the line that night. But that didn't seem to matter anymore; seemed to be a detail that got lost in all the commotion.

She'd made William believe she was because she wanted to show him who she was. But she never, even now, seemed to realize that by acting like she was worse than she was, that she could have sex with him while 'working' and talking to someone else...

She'd done it to get him to believe she was a whore, but in the end? In the end she'd done a damn fine job of convincing herself as well.


TBC..........

I know those Spike/Other and Buffy/Other warnings didn't exactly apply...but they sort of did (in my screwed up mind at least) so....




'kay, author's note time: For various reasons I'm taking a big ole break from the internet...(LJ, IMs, email, fic reading--the whole lot of it, even the sites I need to be keeping up--which makes me a bad, bad person I know)...but...see this is where you'll hopefully like me--I decided that two (or three with JaT) times a week I could take five minutes to log in here and copy and paste the chapters...plus, it wouldn't exactly be a very nice place to leave you all.....So the point of all this is, if you're asking me questions in reviews or email (or just emailling me) and I'm not replying, that's why.

Hopefully this'll work out and Brat and Facingthesun will still talk to me at the end of it.....and if their sites aren't up-to-date send me all the mean emails, okay? And again, I'm sorry, but it really is something I just have to do.

It also means CvA will be pushed back (I think) so Elena can be mad at me too...but I just want the judges and nominated people to know that it will get done.....really, horribly late, but it will. Honestly if I had control over this stuff that's going on.....

I'll try to keep the updates as regular as possible--and at the same time as usual--but I may miss some...I probably won't be sending out too many update emails either--sorry. (But hey, the alternative is no fic until I'm back-back...)

I'll shut up now and just say......don't hate me (for the leaving or for the fic) Oh, but please still review? I'd love to have a bunch to read once i can come back :)





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