Author's Chapter Notes:
This chapter is beta'd by yours truly ;-) so yell at me for any mistakes, not my usual beta...she's gone away so she didn't do this one. Also? Read the St Patrick's Day 113 Times installment? It's right under this update (title is Iontaoibh (Trust)); to get no reviews on it would be just sad.

And notice the warnings for this chapter and please read the additional a/n at the end :) thanks
Chapter 32


“I can’t!” Buffy cried, the tears finally falling down her face unchecked.

“You bitch!” He nearly roared and Buffy fell backwards even further, using her feet to push her away from Parker.

She started to try to get up but before she could, Parker had dropped down to the ground and was holding her legs against the floor with his lower body. “Uh, uh, uh,” he scolded, putting nearly all of his weight on her when she tried to push him off. “Whores like you don’t get to change their minds like that! I’m going to get what I paid for.”

Buffy tried to scream as she felt his hand that wasn’t holding her hands above her head—and how had she not noticed that happening?—reach down and shove her short skirt up around her waist. She tried to scream, but Parker pressed his mouth against hers hard enough that it hurt.

He was pushing up the other side of her skirt, not happy with the awkward angle it was at when Buffy realized just how much trouble she’d gotten herself into. She didn’t know what to do, how to get him to stop but when his hand returned to her left side and reached for the side of her panties, Buffy knew she had to try everything she could.

As his hand pulled and she felt part of his attention turn towards the action, Buffy simultaneously bit down hard on his tongue and kneed him as hard as she could with the limited movement she had.

But even with the short distance she had available to move her leg, it was effective because he didn’t even have the fabric of his pants to protect him from her assault. Add to that that Buffy had suddenly found more power and strength than she normally had, and it was enough to send Parker reeling back, blood dripping from his cut tongue.

Buffy pushed as much of her body up as she could, as hard as she could and nearly cried even more in relief when she succeeded in knocking him off of her.

Not waiting to see what condition the man was in and without collecting her purse or coat or even her ripped off underwear, Buffy jumped up and ran through the back door of the club, pulling her skirt down only after she’d exited the back door.

Somewhere between where she’d started running and where she stopped out in the Bronze’s back alley, the heel of one of Buffy’s shoes broke, leaving her ankle twisted; and she was no longer crying.

As she started walking towards her house, Buffy took off her shoes, throwing the overly expensive heels into a nearby dumpster. She pulled her short skirt down as far as she could, trying every few feet to pull it even farther down her legs.

She felt incredibly overexposed at the moment.




It was ten minutes before she realized that she was walking in the wrong direction.

That simple realization seemed to crumble her carefully built composure and before she knew it her vision was blurred by the barrage of tears flowing down her face.

For a few minutes she tried to wipe them away but when she realized it didn’t help, she just cried harder and let the liquid trail down her cheeks as she continued in what was the correct direction.


Buffy was glad it was late. She’d made it home without anyone seeing her to stop her; she was thankful for that, not knowing if she could handle anyone asking what was wrong.


It was just supposed to be a word.

As Buffy undressed and turned on her shower, throwing her clothes in the garbage, she reflected back on what had started this all.

She knew it was her fault but for some reason she felt the need to punish herself by remembering just how.

She’d started dating Angel when she was just fifteen, young, she realized now. Especially given that he was nineteen at the time.

They’d dated for nearly a year and, on her sixteenth birthday; she had snuck out after her party to go to his apartment. Her parents had forbade her the week earlier to see him, not thinking it was right for her to be dating someone older—not at her young age. But she was young and in love, there was no way she was going to let their disapproval stop her.

As a birthday present to herself—and as a way of keeping Angel from leaving her for one of the more experience college girls he went to school with—Buffy had decided that that was going to be the night.

She’d stopped him before, not thinking she was ready…She still wasn’t one hundred percent sure she was ready but she knew she had to do it.

So when she got there, at nearly one in the morning, she’d silently led Angel who had been expecting her, into his bedroom. If she’d expected him to question what she was doing she’d have been disappointed. He just led her over to the bed and kissed her as he laid them down.

Buffy had started to panic when he reached for the button on her pants, but she knew she had to go through with it. Thinking that it was just nerves and that a few more minutes would help, she’d stopped him.

“I want to do something for you first,” She told him, pleased when he grinned at her before rolling over onto his back and undoing his pants.



Even now Buffy wouldn’t let herself remember it all, apparently even she wouldn’t let herself be punished that much. But no matter how hard she’d tried—and over the last three years she had certainly tried—she just couldn’t block out what he’d said.

He’d taken several minutes to come and Buffy, hadn’t enjoyed a second of it. It just didn’t feel right somehow. And when he did come, she didn’t know what to do. Suddenly her mouth was full of this warm liquid and she didn’t know what to do.

Angel wasn’t any help either, just looking at her blankly. Before she could properly decide, Buffy’s need to breathe took over and she rushed to the bathroom, spitting into the sink.

She hoped that that was okay.

To Angel it hadn’t been though. He looked extremely displeased with her when she came back into the room.

“God, Buffy,” He muttered, “You suck cock worse than a five dollar whore.”


And that, that single sentence, was why she was so fucked up now. Why she didn’t think she’d ever be right again.

It hurt so much to hear him say that to her, to hear that she couldn’t please him sexually. Even when they’d had actual intercourse—something that she’d all but blocked from her mind because of the non event that it was, she’d failed him. Her father had left her mother for someone much younger and had all but told her, Buffy, that it was because of the sex.

Buffy didn’t ever want to be left like that. She didn’t want to have a child with a man and someday have him decide that, even though they were a family, he couldn’t stay with them just because she couldn’t pleasure him well enough. She wouldn’t do that to her child.

So she’d gotten her job eventually, deciding that maybe it would be enough to help her know what she’d done wrong; help her know what she needed to do to do it right.

Maybe if she could handle the words, she’d be able to handle the actions themselves as well.


Buffy stepped into the steaming shower and did her best to clear her mind as she scrubbed herself nearly raw, trying to get the feeling of Parker and what he’d done off of her.

But she couldn’t help but think, ‘You did it. You did it, Buffy. You took that job and that’s what made you this whore. It’s all your fault.’

She was sobbing again by the time she stumbled, still soaking wet and nude, out of the bathroom. As she passed her vanity she grabbed a bottle and settled herself on the bed.

It had started out as a word. Just a word. But somehow, she’d become what it was. There was a difference between calling yourself a whore and actually being one. And tonight she’d crossed the line.

She didn’t know if she could go back from it.

She unscrewed the cap of the bottle she’d grabbed and dumped a handful of the pills into her hand. Finding the glass of water she always kept at her bedside, she swallowed as many as she could, choking on a few. But that didn’t stop her; Buffy dumped the remaining few pills out and swallowed them as well, the tears still pouring down her face.

It wasn’t until she’d set the glass of water back down on the table that she saw the thing she’d been avoiding looking at but had also left in plain sight as a sort of punishment and a reminder of just how utterly horrible she was.

It was a picture her mother had taken at some point. She and William were sitting at the patio table and he was holding some book while she painted her nails. She remembered when it happened even if she didn’t remember the picture being taken. She’d been applying the final coat of polish to one of her nails when she’d felt him staring at her. She’d looked up, blushing when she saw the look on his face.

She’d made some joke about him needing to cut out the sexual stuff with her parents so close and he’d just told her she was beautiful. The picture was of the smile that Buffy had tried to hide from him just then.

Was it possible that it was just a word? Sure that picture had been before…before tonight, but Spike knew everything about her and until she’d ruined it all, he still wanted her. Was it possible she could still fix it…fix her?

Even as sleep tried to overtake her and pull her under, Buffy fumbled for the phone next to her bed. Using all the strength she had, she pressed a single button and held it to her ear.

“Mommy, please,” She wasn’t able to say anymore as she lost consciousness.



TBC................



A/N: See, I told you that things would eventually be explained and this chapter was the beginning of it....And I...I dare you to review this chapter (sorry, I'm just really nervous about it and really want to know what everyone thinks).

Also, on a different note, I was toying around with the idea of having a sort of 'fic preview group' where a few people could read the starts of new stories--or the ideas for them--and give me feedback....does anyone think that might be a good idea?

MBB's epilogue should be up Monday--should be ;)





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