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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm the favorite author of 13 people? Seriously? And Kimmie says I have 'fans' and the story has 974 reviews...I feel so cool :D (Don't worry, I'll get over it)....

Everyone who's thinking Buffy's getting off easy, just remember that there's still quite a bit more to come :-)
Chapter 38

She was asleep when Spike actually made it back to her room. Buffy looked so peaceful, he thought...no way was he going to wake her. Besides, she could probably do with the rest after the night she had had.

But that didn't mean he was leaving.

Hospital chairs weren't known for their comfort but it was the best option he had at the moment because he wasn't sure enough of Buffy's feeling towards him to sit on the bed. Or, actually, he was sure enough of them not to do so.

After their last conversation, he imagined she hated him. But that was to be expected after what he had said to her. He just hoped it wasn't so bad that they couldn't move past it.

As luck would have it, as soon as he was finally managing to get relatively comfortable in the plastic chair--either that or when the lower half of his body was becoming numb, Buffy started to stir.

"Didn't know the drugs were this good," She was mumbling but it was clear enough that he understood her.

"What are you talking about, love?" He stayed in the chair, not sure if she wanted him closer to her or not.

"They said they might give me something to help me sleep but it must be stronger than I thought if it's making it look like you're here."

"I am here," he told her softly wondering what they would give someone who’d just almost overdosed on painkillers to help them sleep anyway.

"Yeah, sure," She laughed with as much energy as she could; with as much energy as she had. "You expect me to believe Spike's here? After all the shit I pulled? Come on, even my hallucinations can't be that stupid."

"While you did do a bang up job of...well, of acting like a bitch--"

"Oooh, now my head's insulting me too. Good job Buffy."

"You're not going to believe that it's really me, are you, pet?"

"Why should I? It's just me and my stupid brain punishing myself some more."

Okay, so what he did then was really stupid. The stupidest thing he could have done given the situation; possibly the stupidest thing he'd done in the past year--which given his year was really saying something--but he still did it.

He still did it because as stupid as it was, it was also right. Was right to kiss her.

What the hell was he doing? Buffy could handle this. Couldn’t deal with this!

This wasn't what was supposed to happen.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked as soon as her mouth was free again.

"Showing you I'm real." It was the best he could come up with.

"You can't just...What, did you think you'd just show up here and we could go back to you fucking me?" He really did see her as a whore; and now that she was broken he was going to take full advantage.

"God, Buffy! What the hell is wrong with you? All I did was kiss you and you're back to your 'I'm a whore, fuck me now but then let me lay the guilt trip on once you actually do' routine. Do you just enjoy fucking with guys’ heads or do I get the honor all to myself?"

She didn't answer him at first, just huddled closer in on herself in her hospital bed; the machines continuing to beep around her.

"Are you always going to turn this around on me? I come here...God, I come here thinking that I can help you...Do you even know that's why I left?" He didn't give her the opportunity to answer, just continued his loud rant. "I thought, 'here's a girl that I'm in bloody love with; I can save her' but all I did was fuck you up more. That's why I left, dammit. Because I was hurting you. Don't you see that?"

A nurse came to the door but Buffy could tell that Spike was about to settle down and would hopefully be quiet from here on out so she just waved the woman away with a reassuring smile.

"And besides calling me a whore, just how were you hurting me?"

"I thought that I could show you, when we had sex, that I really did care for you...and I thought that night in the pool that I really was making progress, but...then..."

"Then I went and had my big 'fuck up' night," Buffy finished for him.

"I wasn't doing any good so I left."

"Good for you."

"No need to be snide, I'm trying to explain myself here and you're trying to make me think you're a bitch again.

"Well aren't I?"

"No."

Buffy didn't know what to say to that. How was he forgiving her before she forgave herself?

"Spike, you need to go back home."

"Yeah? Why is that?" It was the way he asked, like he wasn't really paying any mind to what she said, that annoyed her.

"Because I need to...I can't get things figured out if I'm constantly..." In truth she didn't know exactly why he couldn't be there. "Just because, okay? I need you to go home."

"Are you ever going to even pretend to acknowledge the fact that we could have had something if you weren't so scared?"

"God, Spike, you don't even know what was going on and you're...why are you so intent on telling me what I've done wrong when you don't even know the half of it?"

"It's not exactly like you're offering up information, pet. Only can know what you tell me."

"Well, I'm not telling you the rest so it looks like you don't get to know--"

"Come on, Buffy, please..."

"No!" She knew the yelling they were starting again would bring another nurse but didn't care. "Like you said, you being here was just fucking me up more. And hey, looks like I reached the edge of fucked up'edness. I mean, hello, tried to kill myself--can't get much worse than that."

Beneath all the anger he could still hear--and see--her pain.

"But that can be the worst of it; everything can get better from here on out."

"Exactly. And I need to do that with only people that are going to keep my best interests at heart and care about me, around."

He wanted to remind her that he loved her. But he knew what he had to say.

"Fine, Buffy, I'll go home."

"Thank you." And she tried not to let it bother her as he collected his bag and coat and left the room.

Even more than that though, Buffy tried to not think about what he had said. Or more specifically, one of the things he had said.

She'd glossed over it at the time, trying to pretend--to him and her--that it didn't matter to her, but she couldn't seem to get it out of her mind now. With only the silence to keep her company, the words played over and over in her mind.

...Girl that I'm in bloody love with; I can save her. He really did want to help her--or had wanted to at least. And In bloody love with....In bloody love with....love...with... Spike was in love with her. Well, when he had come to the house he had been; she couldn't imagine that he still felt the same after all that she had put him through.

It being her fault didn't make the pain any less real though, didn't mean it couldn't hurt. In fact, maybe it hurt all the more for it being her fault.

Spike had loved her and she'd ruined it all. Now he thought of her as a whore that he hated instead of as a girl that he loved.

If that right there wasn't incentive enough for her to change who she was--to get back to being who she had been--she didn't know what was.


TBC.........please review...that and don't kill me, please

Oh, and I'm setting the yahoo group up and will email everyone that emailled me, soon :)





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