Author's Chapter Notes:
it's down at the bottom again...
Chapter 41

"I just want to know one thing," Buffy said as soon as she was seated in the office.

"Why don't you tell me about it and I'll see what I can do?"

"If I agree to stay here for a few more days, can I say I'm only staying for two more days and then going home? Or is it a thing where once I say I'm staying it's up to you all when I leave?"

"That depends. Usually if you agree to stay on, insurance will only pay if you check out when we suggest..."

"But?" Buffy questioned.

"You seem, from the short talk we've already had to be doing very well and I'd hate to force you to go home now just because I don't answer your question how you'd like."

"So I can stay for two more days and then go home? And the insurance will pay?"

"Yes, Buffy; that can be arranged."

"Thank you," she said sweetly, tucking herself comfortably into the plush sofa. "Now here's what I want you to help me figure out."

"Go on..."

"I pushed Spike--William, away because I thought I was too screwed up and not good enough for him. And in a sense I think that's still true."

"I don't mean to interrupt, but why?" The doctor questioned.

"He's older for one and he's got his life all figured out--got himself all figured out. He has a job he loves, he...he needs someone who knows who she is, not someone like me who's running in a million different directions just trying to figure her own self out."

"Have you ever asked him if that's what he wants?"

"No...I never really gave him much of a chance. I mean, he did say he wanted me, but..."

"But?"

"I was trying then, well up until about, oh yesterday," She joked flatly, "to convince myself he only wanted to have sex with me; that he didn't really care about me."

"And now? Do you see things differently now?"

"Well, see, I had this...dream last night. More of a nightmare actually."

When Buffy didn't say anything, the doctor pushed her to continue.

"Can I just tell you that it showed me that I need to stop being so mean to myself and realise that pushing all the good guys away and focusing on knowing how to have sex....that alll that's going to get me is literally a hell of a lfe?"

"It might help if you told me exactly what the dream was so that we could perhaps see if there's some hidden meanings. Something that will come back to you later and cause you pain."

"Okay," Buffy said, still uneasy with reliving the dream. "I was in this house...I guess it was my house. After I walked down the hallway, I ended up in this...sitting room I guess, all formal looking and everything.

I sat down in this chair and after I was there it was like I couldn't move. I saw this little girl across the room--and she was so beautiful. I felt like I needed to go over to her--or call her over to me but I couldn't say anything and I couldn't move.

I knew she was my little girl...and that she was in danger; but I couldn't do anything!" Buffy didn't notice the tears that had started to silently stream down her face, or if she did she paid them no head. "Then all of a sudden, or so it seemed, there was this man...this huge man standing there in front of her...but not in front of me, you know? Like in front of her but I could still see everything that was going on...He...He...it was...God, it was horrible. He was hitting her and she was crying and there was this...there was blood and he still just hit her. And in the way that even horrible people shouldn't even dream of hitting a child...he hit her so hard and she was so tiny!"

Buffy stopped for several minutes, drawing in deep breaths as her tears made it hard to continue on talking.

She did pull it together to finish though, "And then she asked him...she asked him why he was doing it...and didn't he love her. He told her something about 'of course' he didnt' love her...or me. And that it was fun hurting her or something. God, he was a monster. And then…he told her something about 'at least your mom's a good fuck' and then," Buffy was too far into her story to care about the language she was using, "And then he turned and it was like he said it all to me...he said that I had such low self esteem that I didn't think I could do any better and so that's why I'd married him and....it was all my fault. He said he was never leaving and I put my little girl in that kind of pain and danger just because I'm so bloody fucked up!"

Buffy didn't notice her word choice until the therapist called her on it, "Bloody?"

"Oh," She blushed, "I guess I picked that up from Giles....well, probably Spike."

"Yeah...he's my big screw up in life." Buffy saw the reaction that the doctor couldn't hide fast enough. "Yeah, I know,” She said knowingly, "I'm out there basically on a self destruct mission, whoring myself out one night--almost getting raped, trying to kill myself and I call that my big screw up...But it's true. That's what I regret the most.

Maybe it's because that hurt him and me and the rest just hurt me...and my parents, I know....but...I was a complete bitch to him. And he's actually what my dream had to do with."

"He was the man in your dream?" The therapist asked when Buffy didn’t make any move to continue.

"No!" Buffy hastened to assure her. "Spike's...well he's pretty much the antithesis of the man in my dream. He's the one that was trying--so, so hard--to show me that I was worth it. He loved me and tried to show me that...tried to get me to see that I wasn't as horrible as I was so convinced I was. He did all of that and all I did was try to bring him down with me."

"Did you think he was too good for you?"

"I think so...but at the same time I convinced myself that he only did want sex from me. I think it was easier for me if I thought of it that way; that way thinking about all these feelings I was denying wouldn't hurt so much...or something."

"Did it work?"

"Not at all. I managed to both drive him away--probably hates me now--and almost get myself killed."

"Yes, but now you know what you need to change about your life."

"That's um...you can't tell anyone what I tell you right?"

"Everything stays between you and me."

"Then...Can you tell me why, despite all of my horribleness and how I know where near deserve...why do I still want him?"

"Spike?"

"Yeah, why do I still want Spike? Want him loving me?"


TBC............





A/N: Okay, so I was going to thank every single person that's reviewed this story, but hen I realised that would be a lot of people..and do I thank the people that got mad at me and quit reading or no? so I did this instead:
Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us
It's only for people reviewing (or I guess reading) and not reviewing) this fic :-) I might post it at Redglittershoes but we'll see )btw, it's highly likely I spelled something wrong on the wp..if I did: I'm sorry))



yeah, I fixed the rating back to NC-17 as it is for all my chapters..sorry for messing that up..and hey, I give you people a present and you quit reviewing? that's not very nice ;-) ignore that..it was because the site was screwing up





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