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Author's Chapter Notes:
I forgot to say so befre but to everyone who thought Spike was in NY...THANK YOU :) I was hoping I was going to make at least some of you thnk that.

And thank you to Scarlet for being the one who added me as a favorite author :-)
Chapter 44

"Spike?"

"Hey there," Spike said in a calming voice as he rushed to her side. She looked more than a little unsteady on her feet so Spike carefully put an arm around her and led her the few short feet over to the sofa and helped her to sit down. "You're shaking, pet," He observed, more for himself than for her as she didn't seem to be listening much.

"Buffy?" He asked after a few minutes of silence. "You okay, kitten?"

"I...uh...You're here," She said simply, finally.

"That I am, luv. That I am."

"Why?" She asked then, but interrupted before he started to explain, "I mean you said you were going home. Remember that nice big argument we had?"

"Yeah; remember you ordering me home, too."

"So you just pretended to agree with me?" Why, why was she sounding angry? She really didn't think she was.

"Wasn't pretending at all, sweetheart. You were right; I did need to go home."

"So you what, are just here for the day? Or did you already go home for a while and now you're back?" She needed to know what sort of arrangement this was so she'd know how much time she had to brace herself for his leaving again.

"Not really either of those options...or if you wanted to twist around a bit I guess you could say the second one, but--"

"Spike, just tell me how long you're here for."

"I'm staying."

"Right, but for how long?"

"That's it--I'm staying. I'm here and I'm staying."

"Why won't you just answer the question?" Buffy was really getting frustrated with him but behind it he could hear a touch of pain.

"Because I'm scared to death you'll laugh in my face or hate me or....kick me out."

"And why does the kicking you out option seem to bother you more than me hating you?" Buffy was genuinely curious.

"You hating me would break my heart, luv. But I'm terrified of you kicking me out of your life; of you not letting me help you."

"Spike...would you just tell me whatever it is you're trying to tell me? All this vagueness and alluding is starting to confuse me."

Spike sat on the sofa for another full minute before he got up and started pacing the room, still not answering her. "God, I come in here knowing exactly what i want to say to you and then the second I see you it's like it all just flies right out of my head. Why is that? Why, Buffy, do you seem to be the one person capable of shooting all my plans to hell?"

"Spike," Buffy leaned over the edge of the sofa, reaching out to capture his wrist with her hand.

Spike looked down at her fingers encircling his wrist and his whole body seemed to just...sag.

"I'm so sorry, Buffy," He murmured, not moving or making a move to look at her.

"Spike," Buffy pulled lightly on his wrist. "come sit with me okay? I'm guessing we need to talk about some stuff and I can't do that with you standing over there not looking at me." He sat down next to her but he didn't look at her. "Now, three things: Why are you sorry; how long are you here for; and why are you back in the first place?..I mean, why did you come back?"

"Why am I here?" He asked it as if the question were so absurd he couldn't even answer it. "Why do you think I'm here? Do you think I--well after the way I left maybe that's a stupid assumption. Your mum called me, sweets. Told me what had happened and I came because I had to. I know with all of the stuff I said when I left...I didn’t mean that stuff, Buffy. Really I didn't."

"Would have made sense if you did; most if not all of it was true."

"No! Don't let yourself believe that. Please don't, luv; I couldn't stand it. Rupes talked to me that day, remember?" She nodded. "He lectured me on how you were his daughter and I was only this far away from being a complete strange....Told me that 'feelings needed to be taken into consideration'," He imitated Giles' accent. "I...I snapped then, it was after...and I just couldn't take it I guess. Told him I'd leave and...I wanted you to still be off with your mum. Knew if you were that you could blame me leaving on me, make it all my fault. But you...you were there, luv and...I was just so angry and so...hurt and I said all the things that I was...they weren't true."

"Yes they were, Spike. You were trying to show me that you cared about me and I was....I was doing all that stupid shit. Because of stuff in my past I was trying to convince both you and me that it wasn't worth it—that I wasn't worth it. And after that night...after that night anything you wanted to say to me would have been more than deserved."

"There was no excuse for what I said…just look where it got you."

"Spike?"

"Yes?"

"Look at me and listen: It. Is. Not. Your. Fault."

"But I--"

"No, I was fucked up," She smiled as she said it, though she was being serious. "I really, really was and I let...You tried, you tried so hard and every time you started to convince me I'd push back three times as hard. Not much of what happened in those few weeks was right....because I wouldn't let it be."

"You're not going to convince me that this wasn't my fault."

"Spike, I...I am the one that took those pills and I'm the one that did everything that led me to that decision."

"I didn’t stop you though."

"I'm not sure I could be stopped."

"But if I hadn't even shown up--"

"Spike? I dated a guy, wouldn't have sex with him and got called a whore and a tease. I got myself so convinced that I was a whore--don't you dare think it's because of what you said; that might have factored in there but even without that I still would have...I did such a good job of convincing myself that I was a whore that I tried to sleep with a girl and ended up doing what everyone seemed to think I was."

"What do you mean?" He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer but he didn't see them moving on without him hearing it.

"I found a guy, danced with him; told him I was a whore and offered to blow him for fifty bucks."

"And....And did you?" He really didn't want to hear that answer.

"For a minute. I started and--" She wasn't surprised when he jumped up from the sofa upon hearing her confession but she was surprised when he ran from the room and she could hear him vomiting in the bathroom.

She was fully crying by the time she reached the bathroom door. "So is it that I just disgust you that much now? Or....?"



TBC.......



well, uh, at least I got them back in the same room and talking?

And guess what....I might actually finish a story after this one...I've actually ben writing...the world's een trying to stop me (one person needing my computer b/c theirs broke, going to the doctor for my toe, other person needing it for homework, first person needing it some more...) but I have been writing something :)





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