Chapter 44 Part II
Spike was leaning against the tub as he sat on the floor; copying her earlier action he pulled her down to the floor with him. Buffy struggled at first as he pulled her into his arms, but stopped as she felt his tears wetting her hair.
"So sorry. I was weak and I fucked up and...I'm just so sorry, luv." He continued to murmur unintelligible apologies into her hair.
"So I don't..."
"Disgust me? God no, luv, not at all. I'm just sorry that...I know you said it's not my fault but it at least partially is. I didn't know what to do and I left because I thought it was best...I should have stayed....I should have known what to do. I understand if you don't ever want to see me again."
"Spike? I don't think I'm going to be convincing you it's not your fault any time soon but will you at least believe that I don't blame you? For any of it?"
"I guess I can believe that."
"Will you...Can I tell you what happened? Both before all of this and…and the other night?"
"You can tell me anything," Neither even thought of getting up off the bathroom floor, both just happy to allowed the comfort of the other's embrace.
"A couple of years I started dating this guy...Angel was what he had everyone call him. He was a couple years older but I didn't care; that didn't matter to me. He was my first real boyfriend and I was...I was one of the popular girls and it made me so much cooler to everyone that I had this older boyfriend. Mom and Giles really didn't like it when they found out...and looking back I can see why," Spike tried to ignore that he was years older than her that that bloke could have possibly have been. "When you're fifteen, basically dating this college guy...fifteen year olds don't know enough about...the world to handle that. At least I didn't.
So, yeah, mom and Giles didn't like him. And after a while when they saw that it was more than...when they thought it was starting to get serious they asked me to stop seeing him. I yelled at them--and boy do I mean yelled, I was so nasty to them that night. I'm sure I did the normal teenage angst stuff and told them I hated them and that they were ruining my life...but at the end of it I told them I would. And I kind of did. But on my sixteenth birthday...I snuck out of the house and went to see Angel.
I thought I could prove everyone wrong and show them all that I was old enough; that I was grown up." William really did not like the direction the story was going--he could only guess what Buffy was about to tell him. "I went to see Angel and...I had the intention of having sex with him but then...when things started to get all hot and heavy I got scared. So, I thought if I just gave myself some time to calm down it would be okay.
I, uh..." God, she hadn't ever said blow job this many times in her life before--combined! Buffy decided to take a different approach. "I decided that oral sex wasn't really sex, so I..." She left it up to him to get what she was talking about.
"But I didn't really know what I was doing and when he...I wasn't expecting it--hadn't really thought that part through and I didn't know what to do. So I ran into the bathroom and spit it out in the sink…He looked so disappointed in me when I came back in the room. He told me…he ended up telling me that I ‘sucked cock worse than a five dollar whore’,” She quoted and felt Spike stiffening.
“And you still slept with him?” Despite the question, his tone let her know he was just asking, not judging—at least not much.
“He told me…he told me that some girls just didn’t know what they were doing. I thought that, well that I really had done it badly so…I felt like I had to make it up to him. So, yeah, I slept with him. One of the worst experiences of my life really. After…he just said he had someone to meet and he left. I asked him as he was leaving—I asked him if I’d been any good…you know because I was nervous and wanted to make sure that I had at least…he pretty much told me that I really hadn’t been and said something like ‘let’s not do this again’.
“I…God, I was fifteen and hadn’t even dated before so I believed him and…my dad, when he left, pretty much said it was because my mother couldn’t please him…I know it’s screwed up to be more affected by what he said after…than everything that happened with us actually having sex but I think that by the time we actually had sex I was just so…detached that that’s not what really got to me.
“My daddy left because—according to him—my mom wasn’t sexually good enough and…it hurt so much having him leave us that I knew I couldn’t do that to my own child if there were any way of preventing it. So that’s why I go the damn job. I thought that I could ‘learn’ how to be better.”
“This might not be appropriate for the moment, but: you don’t need to ‘learn’ anything Buffy. You’re bloody perfect; the best.”
“Really?” She couldn’t help but ask.
“Really.”
Buffy continued, a smile on her face, “I was so sure after…I wanted to believe that you only wanted sex from me because it was so much easier that way. Because…you scare me William. No man has ever even pretended to care about me as much as you do.”
“Not pretending.”
“I’m starting to see that. Well, you know everything that happened with you…obviously. And that I dated Riley and tried to get Faith to sleep with me. And I told you some of what was with Parker and…Are you sure you want to hear the rest?”
“If you want to tell me, then I want to hear it.”
“After I…I started to—to do it, but…I couldn’t. It was like all of a sudden I realized just what I was doing and I just couldn’t…I couldn’t do it.
”Parker wasn’t too fond of that decision though…he told me that I couldn’t just change my mind like that and that he was…going to get what he paid for. I tried to get away from him, I was on the floor and I tried to push away from him but he…he got on top of me and…” Buffy was stuttering more and more the more she got into the story, the memories still brilliant and clear in her mind. “He held me down and he pulled at my skirt and my underwear and…” Spike tightened his hold on her unconsciously, “I was so scared, but I…I got one of my hands free and…I got him off of me and I…I ran out of there and…God, I broke my shoe,” She laughed but it was nervous laughter more than anything. “And I was trying to walk home but I was walking for ten minutes before I realized I was going to wrong way…Eventually I got home and…I decided to take a shower—I thought maybe it could get me clean again. But all I could do was think of what had happened with Angel, and then how I’d let you down…but mostly Angel and Riley and Parker and….I realized just how screwed up I was. And I got scared, I was scared I wouldn’t be able to make it better; make me better.
“I thought that—I guess I thought that I was so far gone that nothing could…fix me.”
“But you called your mum, yeah? You didn’t give in completely, luv.”
“Yeah…I, well there’s this picture in my room that Mom put there. When we were having lunch or something and…you’re looking at me in that picture like you really care and I…I thought that, well, that if you could care about me even then…could look at me, like that. Then maybe…just maybe I wasn’t broken beyond repair.”
“Oh, luv, you’re not broken. You’re not.”
“I certainly feel like it,” the single statement caused her tears to increase.
“I promise you’re not. And if you really feel like you are? Then we’ll just work together to get you back to…We’re going to get you happy again, Buffy.”
“Yeah, but…”
“But what?”
“But how can we work together on anything when you’re going to be all the way in New York?”
“I’m not going back, kitten.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m staying here with you. I’m not leaving you this time. We’re in this together, yeah?”
“You’re really going to do that? Even after…Even after all of the things I did to you, you’re still going to stay around and…you’re still going to see me sometimes?”
“More than just sometimes,” he could tell she wondered what that meant. “I’m staying here again.”
“Here here?” Buffy questioned.
“Hope that’s alright with you because I don’t see me leaving either way. You’re a good girl Buffy—a good woman and…I couldn’t live with it if I just left you all alone again.”
“You don’t have to stay here out of some sense of obligation, Spike. I’m seeing that therapist at least once a week, I’ve got my mom and Giles…and I know that I don’t want to be what I was. You don’t have to stay.”
“Yes I do. And I need to because I need to see you safe. Nothing about obligation, not really. More I can’t get my mind off of you for two bloody seconds—even when I’m two thousand miles away…And after this…Just consider it me being selfish.”
“You being selfish?” Buffy asked and he could tell she found it funny.
“Well, yeah. I’ll be worrying all over myself if I’m back in New York or wherever. It’s really just to keep me from wondering how you’re doing. See? Completely selfish.”
“Sure,” Buffy joked, knowing that he was only trying to make her not feel like she was holding him there out of some sort of guilt on his part.
“What’s say we go find somewhere more comfortable to sit? I’m an old man you know and this isn’t good for my back,” Spike wanted to keep the tone light; lighter than it ever really had been before. This time there wasn’t an undercurrent of…whatever it had been before, there.
“Come on you dork. We’ll go sit on the sofa again.”
“Oi! I am not a dork! I’m old, but not a dork.”
“So you’d rather me think of you as some old geezer than a dork?” Buffy turned around to look at him as they left the bathroom, him slightly behind her.
“Well when you put it that way,” Spike trailed off.
“Thought so. Now come on, dork.”
He didn’t care if she was laughing at him. Buffy was laughing again and that single fact eclipsed any possible sense of embarrassment he could have felt.
“Spike?” Buffy asked as soon as they were both sitting on the sofa, her head resting on his shoulder as her ran his fingers idly through her hair.
“Hmm?”
“Is it okay if…I don’t think I’m ready for us to really start anything yet. But I do want you to…Can we just be friends for a while maybe?”
“Friends is good. Maybe go about things the way we should have to start with?” He asked, knowing how she was feeling.
“Yeah, Buffy agreed, “that would be nice.”
“Buffy? Don’t hate me for asking this, but…you’re not still working are you?”
“Nope. That job can officially be listed under ‘former employment’. Although,” she said after a moment of thought, “I don’t really think I ever will…I mean, not exactly the impression I want to be giving off, you know?”
“I know. Just one more question.”
”Okay, question boy,” Buffy liked this feeling…this feeling of just…being.
“Rupes doesn’t have any guns does he?”
Buffy’s only answer was to start laughing.
“Hey! I have a reason for wanting to know….So, does he?” He asked when she finally stopped laughing.
A/N: Oh ye of little faith in Spike ;) And there is possibly a tropical storm heading this way so if I don’t update on Saturday, that will be why. Also, anyone want to remind me next update about Love’s Last Glimpse Awards nominations are open (think it starts Thur)? I need to get back to nominating people and I forget too often ;)
and, Im_bloody_English, you should email me so I can tell you my LJ (I'd do it through LJ but my DSL is dying or something and won't currently go to LJ)...oh, probabl giving you my email'd help huh? suzeefic@gmail.com
I was so stuck on trying to just get my DSL to let me get this chapter up earlier (turns out we needed a new jack or some such) that I forgot to give the link to the super wonderful sexy Spike pic that Edgehead made after reading this fic...she made it ages ago and I just never was a good little girl and showed it to you all...it's inspired by his job...which you'd better all remembber ;) clicky here
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I stuck it at the botom again