The ‘Ship that Floats Our Boat
“What’s so funny, pet?”
“Nothing,” Buffy replied, hiding the paper she was holding behind her back.
“Luv, I know it’s not ‘nothing’; you haven’t laughed this hard since that Ky’rap demon singed soul boy’s hair off three years ago.”
“Do you even realize that you calling him ‘soul boy’ doesn’t even make any sense now?” Buffy avoided any talk of how she had joined Spike in the Angel mockage on that occasion. “You’re always after him about how you deserve your soul more than he does, that you worked for it.” Buffy was trying to get him off topic.
“Can call him it long as it drives him up the wall; which it does. And you’re not getting me off topic that easily, what’s on that paper that’s so funny?”
“Promise not to get mad?”
“Do I have reason to be mad?” Spike didn’t like promising not to get mad, especially not since Andrew had moved in with them temporarily….five months ago.
“No, I guess not. But sometimes you tend to….overreact.”
“Only when the idiot’s involved!” Spike realized something then, “What’s he done now?”
“Can’t you ever be nice to him?”
“He practically stalks me!” Spike scoffed at the idea of being ‘nice’ to Andrew. “Do you know how many times he’s ‘accidentally’ gone in the bathroom while I was taking a shower?” He could see she wasn’t planning on answering. “Twenty three! Twenty three bloody times! And five of those,” He knew she would care now, “Were when you were with me,”
“He what?!” Buffy nearly shrieked and now it was Spike’s turn to laugh.
“Not so funny now, is it?”
“That little…” Buffy was muttering and Spike could tell she was scheming.
Spike used her distraction to his advantage and grabbed the folded up piece of paper from her hand. Ignoring her shout of protest, he unfolded and began to read.
“What the fuck?” Spike just stared at the piece of paper, knowing he should be mad—knowing that if he understood it he would be, but… “What is this, luv?”
“Remember Katrina? The one we all underestimated?”
“Course I remember the Slayerette, threw me through a bloody wall she did.”
“Well, remember when she sprained her arm that one time and had to stay in while everyone else patrolled?”
“Yeah. Was that bloody awful patrol lasted til near sun up. Andrew stayed with her; said it was to keep her company—think it was because he was still scared I’d bite him.
They do this then?”
“Apparently so. I guess Andrew was looking at some of the old US Weekly’s that Dawn had lying around and got to thinking about how they came up with ‘Bennifer’ and all that. Then Katrina told him how some of the girls had been thinking up names for different ones of us…”
“And?” Spike prompted.
“And they decided to make a list. At least that’s what Andrew said.”
“Well I for one want to have a look at this then.”
“Spiiike, come on! Let’s just throw it away, okay?”
“Not likely goldilocks, you got to look; not I get to. I want to see what’s as funny as the poof being bald.”
Spike sat on the foot of the bed, paper in hand and started reading.
“Let’s see who everyone thinks you should be with, first.” Spike drew his finger down the list, looking for the first occurrence of Buffy’s name. Then he found it. “The poof! The bloody poof? They want you with the poof? And Bangel what kind of fucking name is Bangel?
Piss poor band too if you ask me.”
Buffy laughed at his grumbling.
“That the only reason you have against ‘Bangel’?”
“No! You think Angel knew all of you? He got the peppy fifteen-year-old Buffy. He wanted happy, bubbly, perfect you. Not the real you.”
“So I’m not happy or bubbly or perfect?”
“You are; but you’re also complex and stressed and an adult and you have things happening in your life. Things that aren’t so perfect…life’s dirty, luv. You’re the Slayer and nothing’s ever perfect and shiny. I know that.”
“You do know that, don’t you?”
“Course I do, pet. I know all of it. Know all of you.”
“And you’d never turn away from any of it, would you?”
“I love you, Buffy. Love every part of you. And I know you’re strong enough to handle things. Angel thought you were a weak little girl, didn’t think you could handle the darker aspects of…well, of evil. He wanted to protect you from it all, didn’t see that…the only way for you to live your life properly would be to…I can’t hide anything from you, pet. Can’t keep things from you….Ultimately you’re safer that way.”
“So you’re saying…basically that Angel babied me because he thought I couldn’t handle it and…and that was what, in the end, put me in more danger. But that you….your keeping me involved in everything and safe from nothing is really keeping me safe from everything?”
“In a way. Know I can never keep you safe from all of it. But I do…the best I can.”
“Spike? You know I love you right? I know Angel and I did love each other, but…there wasn’t enough…realness to it…enough of the nitty gritty stuff, for it to be a real relationship. It was the perfect first love, teenage relationship…but it couldn’t be anything now. I can see that…now.
We…we fit.”
“Perfectly.”
Before things could get any more serious—or before Spike could start in on his Angel bashing, Buffy looked at the list to find the next ‘couple’.
“Here we go—and it’s a nice follow-up. Spangel.”
“Spangel?” Spike asked skeptically.
“Yeah, and I know you know what it means. So, how about it?”
“I’ll have you know Angel and I never--!”
“Sure you did. Remember? You told me that that one time—“
“Was a false memory! Never happened; was remembering something that never happened…said it but it was a…”
“A false memory?” Buffy supplied with a laugh.
“Yeah, false memory.”
“So you’re telling me that the idea doesn’t even make sense?”
“I can’t stand the bloody poof! I’d never…It’s just crazy to think we could ever…I’d stake the bastard.”
“Me thinks the vampire doth protest too much.”
“Shut up, pet,” Spike groused.
“Come on, you’ve got to admit they do have a basis for it.”
“Yeah and what’s that? My seething hatred towards him?”
“The fact that you lived with him for like a hundred years. And we all know he messed around with Dru and vamps aren’t exactly known for their…well, monogamy.”
Buffy tried to ignore the hurt look that Spike quickly masked as he jumped up from the bed, storming over to sit on her desk.
“Because I’m just so incapable of being with one woman. You know I’ve cheated on you tens of times; just can’t keep it in my pants, can I?”
“I’m sorry…I wasn’t thinking when I said that. I meant…well I don’t know what I meant.”
“I know Angel and those scoobies of yours taught you that all soulless vamps are immoral, unloving, unconnected…things. But I loved Dru, I was only with Dru. I love you I’m only with you. That’s it. There was almost one time with Angel, but….that wasn’t exactly all my choice; he and Dru pushed me into it.”
“Spike?” Buffy asked gently. “I really am sorry. Sometimes I just don’t think, you know? I let that old mindset kick in before I can stop myself. I know that’s not you.”
Spike could recognize how sorry and apologetic she was so he decided to give her a break. “I know, luv. Just hard to hear is all.”
“Alright…why don’t we move on?”
“Right,” Spike moved back to sit next to her on the bed. “Spuffel?”
“What’s that?” Buffy asked.
“You, me, and the poof.”
“The three of us?”
“What it says.”
“Oh…well that wouldn’t work because you and Angel wouldn’t ever be able to let each other be for more than thirty seconds. That and I don’t want Angel either.”
“Good. How about…Spilliam?”
“Which is?” Buffy asked again, starting to feel stupid.
“Well…” Spike paused as he fully realized what it was, “Why don’t we just move on—“
“You and William?” Buffy had snuck a look at the list.
“Not bloody possible.”
“But would be kind of hot if it were,” Buffy decided, trying to hide her smile.
“Buffy!”
“Well it would…mmm, two of you? That’d be hot.” Buffy got a far off, dreamy look in her eye so Spike decided to just continue with the list.
“Spaith? Me and Faith.”
“Yeah, no way,” Buffy insisted.
“She is a bit too much for me,” Spike agreed. “Too into the dark side of things…too intense.”
“Oh, I like these three. Just the names tell you why it’s wrong: Biles, Biley and Spawn.”
”You and Watcher Boy?” Spike asked disbelievingly as he focused in on the first name.
Buffy couldn’t even think of what to say, ”…Got that’s….that’s like—“
“Me and your mum.”
“Spoyce,” Buffy provided as she looked at the list again.
“Never would have happened—killed one Mum that tried to come on to me; ‘sides, sounds like ‘spork’. Let’s get back to those other two things…what were they again?”
“Biley and Spawn.”
“You and Captain Cardboard and me and the Bit?”
“Yeah. But just look at those names. Biley? Sounds too much like bile.”
“Really does, doesn’t it? Besides, he couldn’t be enough for you—couldn’t even deal with you being stronger than him. Boring as hell, too.
And Spawn…that’s like devil spawn. Besides, the idea that I could ever have something with the bit…it’s just incestuous is what it is.”
“Good to know we agree on that one.”
“Course we do. Now how about..ooh, I like this one: Bander.”
“Xander?” Spike nodded. “And me?” Spike nodded again, this time laughing as well at her expression of incredulousness. “That…who thought that was going to happen? Do they not know I turned him down way back in high school?”
“People are delusional, luv.”
“Yeah, but—“ Suddenly Buffy saw something, “Ha! Spander!”
“Bloody hell! The boy must have come up with that one!”
“Andrew?”
“The whelp himself, Xander!”
“Uh huh, sure. But I don’t think I need to ask too much on why this one wouldn’t work. The two of you can’t stand each other.”
“Bloody right we can’t.”
Buffy took the list fully from him, tired of looking over his shoulder at it. “Oh, what about Spillow and Wuffy?”
“You and Red and me and Red?”
“You got it.”
“Red’s a sweet bird, sure. But a little too timid and…well, gay for me.”
“And I know I love Willow sure, but just as a friend. How about you and Tara? Spara?”
“Same as with Red, Glinda was great but not my type of girl…wanted to take care of her like a sister more than anything.”
“And I’m just not into girls…what,” Buffy looked at the list for the proper name, “Yeah, I don’t see…Oh God! Andrew…apparently Tara and I would be Taffy.”
“Pet, I’m thinking this is getting a little old. We both know none of these…relationships would work…let’s just pick one more each and then throw the bloody thing away.”
”What, no liking the idea of Baith? Or liking it a little too much?” She joked.
“Cheeky bint,” he chided but Buffy gathered quite a lot from his lack of an answer.
“You know I wouldn’t ever be with Faith, right? I mean besides the girl thing…well, without that then I guess I might be, but I just don’t…”
“Just something nice to think about is all,” Spike admitted honestly.
“I’m sure it is. Now…Spru?”
Spike could hear how she actually sounded unsure of herself when she asked him even though they’d just talked about it. “Buffy, luv, do you not remember that I offered to stake Dru for you? I would have too, you should know that by now, pet.”
“I know, it’s just…I still wonder sometimes.”
“Fine, next time she’s in town, we stake her. That good for you?”
”Spike you don’t have to.”
“I will though.”
“You really would, wouldn’t you?” For the first time Buffy fully realized just how much Spike loved her…that he would rather have her than any of the other people on that piece of paper.
Just like she’d choose him over any of those people that Andrew and Katrina had thought to pair her with.
“I can tell you one thing on this list that’s right,” Buffy told him.
“Yeah, what’s that one, then?” Spike looked ready to be upset and though she knew it was wrong, Buffy loved getting him going like this.
“Spuffy.”
“Sounds fun,” He relaxed when he realized what she was talking about.
“Of the possibly naughty kind, too.” Buffy wasn’t sure how that statement made sense or related, but it seemed like a good thing to say.
Spike apparently thought so too. “I think I like the sound of that, pet.”
“Yeah?” Buffy asked, dropping the paper to the floor and moving closer to Spike, nearly straddling him in the end. “Just how naughty you think Spuffy can get?”
“Pretty damn ‘naughty’, luv,” Spike fell back on the bed, delighting in the shocked expression on her face—that is before he kissed her and quit paying attention to much.
THE END
Author's Chapter Notes:
Wrote this as a present for Platalet and am posting it now for her as well as for Jess who needed some cheering up a while back.....hope everyone can have some fun................also, I'm blaming that possibly bad summary on my horrible, ev0l sickness.....I'll get Elena to fix it if she shows up.