Spike walked home feeling concerned that he had lashed out at Buffy. At the back of his mind, he still felt the guilty pleasure that the little bit had called him dad. He knew it wasn’t real and he was more than happy to just be a part of her life. He didn’t want to upset Buffy or Katie and he knew that things were just getting more and more complicated. Maybe it was a good thing that he needed to go back to England in a couple of weeks, he needed some time away from Buffy, time to think.
But not yet, right now he needed to talk to Buffy. He needed to apologize for shouting at her, for being a twat. Barb had told him she would need time, that it would be a shock to her.
“She’s left her husband sweetie. She feels guilty because she has taken their daughter with her and Katie is in this exciting stage of her life, learning to walk and talk which are things her father should be there to witness. She’s feeling guilty and scared. Please give her a little time to work it out in her own head.”
So after bullying him and pumping gallons of coffee into him to sober him up she sent him home to make up with Buffy.
So here he was, going back home to the two girls he loved, loved? Sure he loved little Katie, she was adorable, but her mother? What was he feeling for Buffy? Was it love? He didn’t know. He was too close, he was with her so much it was hard to think about her not being there. Living without Buffy, that was a painful thought, but she would be going back. Sure she’s made some friends, got a job, but if Angel called she would go to him. She would have to; he was her husband, a fact that made Spike angry, unreasonably angry. He would need to get that under control, before he spoke to Buffy, it wouldn’t go well if he lost his temper again.
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Buffy was putting Katie to bed in her cot when she heard the front door close. Thank God, she thought breathing easily again, he came back. She kissed her sleeping daughter softly on the forehead before straightening and facing the door.
She stopped suddenly, she really needed to apologize to Spike and apologizing was something that she really didn’t do well. In fact, she sucked at it and she couldn’t remember the last time it had gone well for her. But she needed to do it, she owed him that much. She had said the worst things to him and she hadn’t meant them at all. But how could she excuse herself without telling him the truth; how was she going to do this?
Maybe she should tell him the truth. Maybe he would understand and give her the time and space that she needed. She chuckled quietly, she was becoming an optimist, when did that happen?
She walked slowly out of the room and to the top of the stairs but lost her nerve. She sat on the top step, her arms wrapped around her knees. I can’t do this, she thought rocking slightly. I really can’t do this. I can’t be strong this time.
That was exactly where Spike found her half an hour later. He had waited for her to come back down, waited but she hadn’t come down and he wasn’t the most patient of men, it wasn’t in his nature so he had gone looking for her.
She looked so unhappy sitting there it tore him apart to see her like that and it was his fault.
“Buffy luv, I’m sorry,” he said walking up the stairs, approaching her slowly.
She looked up at him confused, “Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Luv, please come downstairs.” He took her hands and pulled her to her feet, “Please.”
She complied and he led her into the living room a little concerned about her attitude. Where had his fiery girl gone? What was wrong with her? It was like she had all the life sucked out of her.
They both sank down onto the sofa, Buffy clinging to Spike’s hand, refusing to let go. She looked at him, “You didn’t answer the question Spike. What are you sorry for?”
He sighed, “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m sorry for walking out and most of all I’m sorry for putting that look on your face.”
“Spike, I was a bitch!”
“You…” He tried to interrupt her.
“No, let me finish.” He nodded indicating that she should continue, “I said a lot of things that I didn’t mean and I’m frightened. I’m frightened that Angel will be angry when he realizes that his daughter is growing up without him and I’m frightened that Katie will grow up to hate me when she realizes that I’ve taken her away from her father. This is not easy for me Spike. I love Angel.”
He winced, feeling like someone had just punched him, but waited for her to finish.
“I love Angel, but I’m filing for divorce.” The pain in her eyes quickly squashed the flare of hope in his chest. “I can’t forgive him; I don’t have it in me. I wish I could, I wish that none of this ever happened. But then…” She looked him dead in the eye.
“I wouldn’t have met you and I care about you a lot but nothing can happen between us. I owe Angel that much at least. I can’t hurt him running into the arms of his brother.”
“Buffy he hit you.” Spike started, “I know I don’t know the whole story but I don’t think you owe him a damn thing.” He needed to calm down, he was getting angry again, but when he thought of anyone hitting his Buffy he just wanted to tear them apart, brother or no brother.
“You’re right you don’t know the whole story and because of that you can’t pass judgement. I’m sorry, Spike. This is the way it has to be.”
She got up, letting go of his hand and planning to leave the room. “Buffy…” She turned, looking at him. She had never heard anyone say her name like that, like it was something precious.
“Buffy I love you.”
She walked out.
He watched her leave, his heart breaking in his chest. Why had he said that? The thought of never having her, never being with her had shocked him so much, it had just come out. It wasn’t planned and he couldn’t have said anything worse. He was a real ponce! He was pushing her too far and far too fast.
He really needed another drink.
******************************************************************************
So she had walked out. What else should she have done? God what a mess, how had this gotten so bad? She hadn’t gone far; she was back at the top of the stairs.
He loved her? How could he love her? This wasn’t right, this couldn’t be happening.
She made a decision sitting there, running and hiding wasn’t going to help. He needed to know everything and she really didn’t know why she hadn’t said anything before.
She walked back into the room, watching as Spike downed a glass of amber liquid and poured himself another one.
“Spike…”
He looked up in shock. “Pet, I’m really not in the mood for anymore of this right now.” He told her in a tired voice saluting her with his glass before taking another drink.
“What is it with you two?” she snapped suddenly. “Were you taught that alcohol is the solution to everything in the cradle?”
“S’not a solution pet, it’s a distraction. Are no solutions.”
“You and Angel! Both of you far too happy to reach for the bottle! God!”
He continued drinking, “Did you want something else? Or did you just come back to berate me for my drinking habits?”
Buffy shook her head angrily tempted to leave. “Yes, I came back to tell you what happened to Angel. Spike please stop drinking.”
“Fair enough,” he said dropping the glass to the table in front of him.
Buffy walked over and sat next to the glass on the wooden table, her knees touching Spike’s, ignoring the thrill that went through her she began.
“Angel was working a case, a difficult one because it was two weeks and there had been no ransom demand. Two beautiful little twins stolen from their home.”
Spike looked at her confused, where was this going? But he stayed silent, waiting for her to finish.
“Anyway, Angel got called and he went to meet a man who claimed to be the kidnapper. I don’t know what happened, but he was missing for days and I was frantic. I found out later from Gunn, that’s Angel’s partner, that he had been knocked out and when he woke he found himself tied up with the children and a madman. The children were slaughtered, Spike, and Angel was forced to watch as he mutilated them before he killed them.” She stopped, tears sliding down her face.
Spike was speechless. What could he say to that? Good God, he couldn't believe that Angel had been through something so terrible.
Seeing the look on his face she carried on, “Spike, that’s why I feel like shit. I know what he has been through and he wouldn’t let me help him. He stayed away drinking, he lashed out at me, and nothing was good enough nothing I did was right. I can’t forgive him, I would have forgiven him but he turned his back on our marriage, on Katie and on me.”
Spike looked at her, feeling her pain. He needed to think about this, needed time to digest. This time he walked out, not knowing what to say, what to do.
Buffy turned and sank into the sofa grabbing the glass and bottle of Jack Daniels and pouring herself a drink. Yes distraction was exactly what she needed right now.
All she could see when she closed her eyes was the look in his eye as he told her he loved her. She wondered how much she would need to drink for the memory to go away, for the pain to go away.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Please don't be too hard on Angel, I've just learned first hand that losing your therapist (even if it's just a break) is like losing a leg. He just wants to hold on to her for a litle bit longer.
Hope you enjoy the next chapter!
Hope you enjoy the next chapter!