A few lines are borrowed :) from Seeing Red and its writer(s), those lines are property of their creators and are absolutely not mine, I' am just using them for purposes of the story....
Chapter 4 Part 2
“You were going to use a spell on me?” There was so much anger in her voice.
“It wasn’t for you. I wanted something—anything to make this feeling stop…I just wanted it to stop. But then…” How did he explain to her but that it was then that he finally realized that maybe this was what that James person had been talking about? He’d been drunk when he’d slept with Anya—it wasn’t the right thing, by far, to do, but it was done now and there was no going back. No matter how much he might wish there were.
“I was drunk, luv. Not a good explanation I know, but suffice to say it’s the only one I can give you. You left me and it hurt and she was hurt and…I’d go back and change it if I could. Never meant to hurt you like that.”
“You think I’m hurt?” Buffy tried for some sort of outrage, some sort of disbelief but she wasn’t fooling either of them.
“Aren’t you?” Spike asked softly, not giving in to her wish to turn this into something ugly and violent and loud.
“Spike, I don’t love you.”
”Wasn’t saying you did. But why is it you want me to think you don’t?”
”I don’t,” Buffy insisted.
“Alright, fine, why do you think you don’t?”
“Spike, I could never trust you enough to love you.”
“Trust is for old marrieds, Buffy. Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes.”
“Until there’s nothing left,” she quietly finished for him. “That kind of love doesn’t last,” this part she said with more feeling, her voice full of conviction.
“Not everything dies, Buffy. What do I have to do for you to see that I love you and that’s not going to end?”
“Sure, you say that now…But what’s to stop you from growing tired of me in a year? Two years? There are going to be other Slayer, Spike; other girls. What’s to say you won’t want them as much—if not more than you want me?”
“You really think that’s even po—“ But from the look on her face he could tell that it was. “I’ve never been one to give up on love, pet. Loved Cecily even as she egged on all those sods mocking my poetry. Was a right tragedy and all….Loved Dru from the minute she sired me till…well, till you.
”I don’t fall in love easily, Buffy and I fall out of it even less easily. The only reason I quit loving them was because I saw them for what they were and knew it wasn’t who I wanted to be…I love you because I see who you really are. And that’s who I want to be, luv. I love you as you are, I love each and every bit of you, Buffy. Love who you’ve made me, too.”
“I haven’t made you anything, Spike.”
“You’ve made me everything, kitten. Can’t you see that? I’ve learned to be the man over the demon instead of the man behind the demon…and all because of you. So that maybe some day you’d see I was worth loving.”
“And when I don’t love you? When there’s nothing between us…not even what there was? What happens then? Huh, Spike? Do you go back to what you were? Back to killing innocent people just because you can? I know you’ll find a way to stop that chip from working…and what happens then?”
”Nothing happens then, pet.” Spike reached down to turn off the bath before continuing. “No matter what, I love you…and this is me now. I’m not going to just go back because you don’t want me. Haven’t so far and never will.”
“Spike…” Buffy didn’t think he was seeing it, didn’t think he realized there wasn’t going to be a ‘them’.
“Is it the soul?” he asked almost pleadingly. “Because I can be good without it, Buffy. I can…but if that’s what you need…I’ll get it, I will. For you.”
“Spike—“
”Would it help?” he pushed.
“I don’t know,” Buffy answered honestly, “I really don’t know.”
“But it might?” he sounded so hopeful.
“Or it might not,” Buffy didn’t want to hurt him anymore—for whatever reason.
“But it might,” he repeated, this time not as a question. “I’ll do I then. Don’t worry, pet,” he said as he started to leave, “I’ll make sure things are squared away here first,” he didn’t let her know he was talking about the situation with Warren,” “And then I’ll do it.”
“Spike,” Buffy tried to keep her voice calming, “You can’t just go ‘get’ a soul. It doesn’t work like that.”
”I’ll make it work like that,” he vowed.
“How do I know you’ll be back?” It was as close to admitting that she wanted him to come back as she was going to get.
“I promise you, Buffy, I’ll be back. I promise.”
And that was all it took for her to believe him.
And that was all it took for James to see that he had made a difference, that he really had been in Sunnydale and things really had changed.
The next few episodes were entirely different than he remembered. Willow never went off the deep end because Tara never died, Buffy did get shot but the bullet only just grazed her leg and she was out of the hospital and back to normal in just a few days. Spike, of course, beat himself up over not being able to protect Buffy enough, heedless to the fact that he was why she hadn’t gotten shot anymore than she had.
TBC..........and please, please, please review? (apparently I get beg-y when I'm sick--hmm, that gives me something to think about, I guess--anwyay, thank you for all the reviews I've goten for this fic...I was a bit worried about it--having JM as a character and all--but aside from a very frew you have all been great about it, thank you!)
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Author's Chapter Notes:
next chapter will be up on Thursday--sorry for the odd timing of this post, couldn't get TSR to work quite right yesterday....SB and a drabble collection will be posted soon as well :) Please review? (I'm all sick and I'd love it extra today)