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A doctor walked down the hospital corridor toward the waiting room with a sullen expression on his face. He headed toward the group of people seated on a row of chairs. They had fear in their eyes as the doctor approached them. He looked upon their faces and reflected on the fact that this was the only time he ever truly hated his job.

"I'm sorry." The doctor spoke softly. "We did all that we could to help her but unfortunately it wasn't enough. She passed away a few minutes ago. I'm so sorry."

Tears rolled down flushed cheeks and Spike watched the tragedy from a distance and silently prayed that neither he nor Buffy's other friends and family would have to suffer that same fate.

His heart cried out for the group of people across from him that just found out they lost a loved one forever. He knew all too well how that felt. He lost Buffy once and he didn't want to lose her again.

Spike had called the entire gang and had them come to the hospital after he had rushed Buffy there. He noticed she still had a faint heartbeat and got her there as fast as he could. He just hoped that it was fast enough.

Willow walked over to Spike and took a seat next to him. She started gently rubbing his back.

"How are you doing?" She asked him in a worried tone.

"Terrible." He replied. "I can't stand sitting here. I hate all the waiting. I hate that all we can do is sit here and do nothing. My stomach is in knots."

Willow continued to rub circles on his back.

"I'm sure we'll hear something soon." She tried to reassure him. "In fact, Dawn went downstairs to give blood as soon as she got here. She knew Buffy would probably need it after you described what happened to her."

Spike slumped forward and put his head in his hands.

"This is all my fault."

"How can you say that?" Willow asked.

"I should have known sooner. I should have been able to stop that demon. I could have saved her."

"There was no way you could have known. She was lucky that you got there when you did."

Spike lifted his head and looked into Willow's eyes.

"We had a fight after you left. She pushed me away when I tried to put my arms around her. I told her I didn't want to hide anymore. I didn't want her being ashamed of me. I told her she had to make up her mind and decide what she really wanted. She was probably on her way to see me when it happened. In fact, I'm sure she was coming to see me. What have I done? What if I lose her again?" Spike said with tears in his eyes.

"You're not going to lose her." Willow said with a determined expression. "Buffy is the strongest person I have ever known. She will make it through this. You have to stop blaming yourself."

"Do you know what the last thing she said to me was?" Spike asked.

Willow shook her head.

"She told me she loved me right before she passed out." Spike confided.

Willow's heart sank. Buffy had finally told him how she really felt but in the worst way she could possibly imagine.

"I screwed everything up. I couldn't stop her from getting hurt last time and I failed this time too. I'm good for nothing." Spike said in a harsh tone while pulling at his hair.

"Spike stop that!" Willow yelled. "Stop talking like she's already dead! We are NOT going to lose another part of this group!"

"I just wish there was something more I could have done." Spike admitted in a calmer tone.

"I know. Don't you think I feel that way every time I think about Tara? I wished so many times that I could have known about Warren ahead of time or that I could have pushed her out of the way of that bullet so she didn't get hurt. Do you know how many times I have wished that it were me that got shot instead of her? She didn't deserve that. She was the greatest person I have ever known and she should be here with us right now but she's not and I can't understand why!" Tears were now streaming down Willow's cheeks and she was fighting to catch her breath.

"I wake up every morning, roll over in bed and expect her to be there." Willow continued. "Sometimes I try and convince myself that she just got up before I did to make me breakfast. I try to imagine that she's still in my life and that she's going to walk in the door any minute and serve me breakfast in bed. But I have to eventually come to my senses and when I do it's like I lose her all over again. Is this pain ever going to go away? Is it ever going to get better?"

Tears were now streaming down Spike's face and he turned to hug Willow with all his might.

Willow finally settled down a bit. She took a deep breath and pulled back from Spike.

"I don't know how to live without her." Willow admitted softly.

"Willow, I'm so sorry." Spike said. "You're right. Tara didn't deserve to die. Not one of you deserves the hell that life has handed you but you have to keep on living. Things will get better. I promise. You're a good person who deserves to be happy and I'm sure someday fate will intervene and make sure that you are."

Silence filled the air between them for a moment. Spike looked down at his hands as if embarrassed. "Thank you Willow, for being such a good friend to me. I don't think I've ever had a friend like you before. Buffy is lucky to have you. The time I have spent with you has really helped. My nightmares and visions are less frequent now. I've learned to handle them better when they do come. I'm actually starting to feel normal. Well, as normal as a vampire with a soul can feel anyway. I just want you to know how much I appreciate all your help."

Willow leaned over and kissed Spike on the cheek.

"Thank you." She said. "Buffy is really lucky to have you too."

"I'm not so sure about that." Spike said.

"Well I am, and when Buffy gets better, and I know she will, just remember not to let the petty things make you fight anymore. The one thing I learned from Tara's loss is that you have to enjoy every moment you have with the people you love. Don't let stupid meaningless problems tear you apart."

A doctor suddenly appeared before them and Spike looked at him with pure terror in his eyes. He was scared to death at what the doctor might say. The rest of the gang walked over to where the doctor was now standing.

"Are you here for Buffy Summers?" the doctor asked.

"Yeah." Spike replied. "Is she going to be ok?"

"Yes, Buffy is going to be just fine. That is one strong girl you've got there. She lost a lot of blood so we supplied her with the blood that her sister had donated for her. Fortunately, none of her internal organs were hit or damaged. She's going to need a lot of time to heal but she will be fine." The doctor smiled.

Everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief and Spike lunged forward and started hugging the doctor.

Spike pulled back from him and wiped tears away from his eyes.

"Sorry." Spike said. "That's just the best news I've gotten in my life."

"It's understandable." The doctor said. "She was lucky you were there in time to bring her here. You saved her life."

Spike was startled at what the doctor had said. He hadn't thought of it that way. He just kept blaming himself instead, but he felt good knowing that he finally did what he wasn't able to do that fateful night on the tower when Buffy was forced to jump to save her sister and the world.

"She did regain consciousness but she is sleeping right now. However, you can visit her if you'd like." The doctor offered.

"Thanks." Spike said and he watched the doctor walk away before he turned to face everyone around him.

Dawn ran up to Spike and wrapped her arms around him while tears of joy fell from her eyes.

"Thank God she's ok." Dawn cried.

She pulled away from Spike and wiped away her happy tears.

Xander walked toward Spike and put one arm across his shoulders.

"Why don't you go and see her. I'm sure she'll want to talk to you." Xander said kindly.

Spike walked toward her hospital room and he took a deep breath as he reached the door. He walked in and was surprised to see how much color had returned to her once pale face. She was still sleeping and he didn't have the heart to try and wake her. She needed to rest.

Spike took a seat in the chair next to her bed and stayed beside her to watch her sleep. After about a half an hour Dawn came in to check on them and noticed that she was still sleeping. She told him that she and the rest of the gang were going to leave and come back tomorrow after she's had more rest.

He stayed beside her for another hour until he started to drift off to sleep himself. He tried to stop himself from dozing off but it became an impossible task to accomplish. His eyes kept fluttering closed and he continued to fight to keep them open.

Suddenly he heard Buffy stir, his eyes snapped open and he was suddenly wide awake. He watched her and waited for her to open her eyes.

Buffy's eyes slowly opened and she turned her head to see Spike sitting in the chair next to her.

"Hey." Buffy greeted with a tender smile.

"Welcome back, luv." Spike smiled and stood up.

He walked over to the side of Buffy's hospital bed and stood beside her. He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

He started to back away but she stopped him by grabbing his hand and holding on to it.

"I'm glad you're here." Buffy said as she gave his hand a squeeze.

"How are you feeling?" Spike asked.

"A bit tired but much better. They gave me pain medication so it doesn't hurt quite as much." Buffy explained.

There was a short pause and then Buffy tilted her head up and looked into Spike's eyes.

"I want you to know that I remember what I said to you and I don't want you to think that I said it only because I thought I was going to die. I love you, Spike and I should have told you sooner. I was so afraid that I'd missed my chance again."

"What do you mean missed your chance?" Spike inquired.

"When Warren shot me, I remember lying on the ground with a bullet in my chest. I was in such pain and all these memories came flooding back to me as I lay there. It was like I was so close to death that my life literally flashed before my eyes and in the end all I ended up thinking of was you. I admit I was using you at first but I did have feelings for you that I was trying so hard to deny. Those feelings grew so much stronger each time we were together. All I could think of was that I missed my chance to tell you how I really felt. It was more than lust and passion. I cared about you."

Spike pulled up the chair closer to her bed and took a seat without ever letting go of her hand. He never thought he'd hear her say those words and truly mean them. Buffy telling him that she loved him was his greatest wish. He just hoped she would still feel that way after doing what he was about to do.

"I love you so much Buffy. I was horrified that I'd lose you again." Spike admitted.

"I'm leaving town for a little while." Spike continued. "I know this is a bad time but there's something I really need to do. I just wanted to make sure you were going to be all right before I left."

"Where are you going? When will you be back?" Buffy asked in utter confusion.

"Where I'm going isn't important but I will be back as soon as I can. It shouldn't take more than a week or two. There's a chance that you'll decide against being with me when I get back, and if you do, I just want you to know that I'll understand."

"Spike you're scaring me." Buffy said in a shaking voice.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to scare you. I don't want you worrying about me. I'm going to be fine. I just need you to take care of yourself while I'm gone. Don't worry yourself about what I'm doing just concentrate on healing and getting better. I love you."

Spike leaned down slowly and kissed her lips gently. He reluctantly let go of Buffy's hand and headed for the door.

"Spike! Wait!" Buffy exclaimed.

Spike didn't stop, he just continued to walk away from her. He knew if he turned back that he might not be able to go through with it. He knew he had to leave now when Buffy wasn't able to try and stop him.

**********************************************************

Spike walked into the darkness of the dank and familiar cave. He flicked open his lighter to shed some light before him. It felt strange to him. It felt like going back in time. He'd never thought that he would have to come back here.

Bright green and glowing eyes appeared out of the shadows and glared at Spike

"So I see you've returned, vampire." The demon spoke in a deep and harsh voice.

"That's right." Spike replied. "I wanna make a deal."

To Be Continued......





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