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She missed me? She missed me. She really missed me! Spike lay there staring up at the ceiling of his crypt. The same thought rolling around in his head over and over again. He was almost afraid that if he stopped thinking about it that the memory would just fade away like it never happened. She missed me. He tried to make himself stop thinking of her words. He wanted to stop becoming so hopeful because deep down he knew that if he expected too much, he would just end up with a broken heart...again. He pushed the thoughts out of his head and attempted to drift off to sleep even though he knew all he would do was dream about her.

While Spike was having Buffy filled dreams, Buffy lay in her own bed staring at her ceiling thinking about how nice it felt to let him hold her. As much as she enjoyed being around him, she could never let herself get lost in him. She saw how Xander had reacted at the Magic Box. She saw the hate in his eyes. Even Dawn was so angry that she wouldn't even speak to him. She didn't even want to be near him. Buffy wondered how she could have forgiven him so easily for the things he'd done to her when everyone else seemed so determined to hate him. She knew why. She knew she had some kind of feelings for him. She knew how she felt when she was around him and she just wanted more of that. But she couldn't let herself fall for him. Things had gotten so bad when their "relationship" first came to light. There was anger and sadness and a surprising indifference from Dawn. She was the one person who she thought would have gotten a thrill over the fact that she had been with Spike but she didn't. She talked about it with her so matter-of-factly like she didn't care either way. Why did things always have to be so messed up? Couldn't something go her way for once?

*****************************************************

Anya heard a knock at her door. She knew it was Xander before she had even opened it. Who else would be visiting her at this hour? She felt nervous because the only time Xander came around this late at night was when something was bothering him. She was afraid they would end up fighting again. She really loved him but sometimes he was just so difficult and there was just no getting through to him.

She opened the door and just as she suspected, Xander stood in the doorway with that look of worry on his face that usually came hand in hand with another Buffy story. She wished that he would give that much care and concern when it came to her but all his energy and strength always seemed to be with Buffy instead.

"Xander, is something wrong?" she asked as she gave his shoulder a soft squeeze.

"I wanted to talk to you about something."

"What is it?" she gestured for him to come inside.

He walked into the apartment she had been staying in and sat on the sofa. With a sigh he hunched over and clasped his hands together as if trying to figure out where to begin.

"I tried to find you the other night." She spoke first. "But you ran off so quickly that I couldn't find you."

"I see, and here I thought you stayed there so you could side with Spike."

"Why would I want to side with Spike?"

"Well, no one seemed to come to my defense at the Magic Box including you and because you had that...thing with him I just thought...."

"God Xander!" She screamed. "How many times am I going to have to apologize to you for that? I want to be with you and no one else. It's always been you. I was hurt that night. I was upset and I was drunk and I wanted to get back at you for leaving me standing there all alone and having to walk back in that room, in my beautiful wedding dress with red and puffy eyes and explain to everyone that the man I love doesn't want to marry me!"

"Are we back to that again?" he asked. "I told you how sorry I was for that. I didn't want to hurt you. I was just being stupid."

"Well, we can apologize to each other until we are blue in the face but it doesn't seem to be doing us any good now does it?"

"Anya, I don't want to fight anymore."

"Well, neither do I." She sighed. "But you seem to keep bringing up Spike all the time no matter how many times I tell you that it didn't mean anything. How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? I'm trying to get past you leaving me at the altar, so why can't you get past this?"

"I am getting past it. I'm trying, I really am."

"Then why does it seem like you keep coming over here trying to pick a fight and why does it always have to end up being about Spike? Let me ask you something Xander. Are you this upset about me having sex with Spike or are you really upset because Buffy did?"

"What are you talking about? This has nothing to do with Buffy."

"You keep saying that but it has everything to do with Buffy. Every time we talk and every time we fight, it always ends up being all about Buffy! Why can't you just let her go?"

**************************************************

After Xander left Anya's he began wandering around town. An hour had past and he still couldn't stop thinking about what she had said. Could it be true? Could he really still be hung up on Buffy? He realized that he was way more understanding when it came to Anya sleeping with Spike than Buffy. He knew how much he hurt Anya and that she simply found solace in Spike's arms. But what about Buffy? What did she have to gain by being with him and why did the thought of them being together tie his stomach up in knots?

Xander walked through the cemetery and decided to pay Spike a little visit. He couldn't understand what on earth could make him come back here. Did he actually think that anyone would want to see him? Xander walked into the crypt and slammed the door. He started yelling to wake Spike up, his voice booming in loud echoes throughout the crypt.

"Hey, evil dead! Wake up!"

Spike abruptly sat up in bed. If his heart could beat it would be racing. He woke up dazed and confused. He looked over at Xander and immediately searched him with his eyes to check for stakes or other weapons but he saw none.

"Harris, what the bleeding hell are you doing in my crypt?"

Spike was pissed. Xander and just come in and ruined this great dream about Buffy. All dreams about Buffy were great but this was the first dream he'd had in a long time that didn't have to do with his horrid past.

"I wanna know what you're doing here?" Xander simply asked. "I wanna know after all that has happened, why you would even think about coming back?"

"I wanted to set things right. I wanted to make things better." Spike admitted.

"Well you can't. There is nothing you can possibly do to make any of this better. The only time you ever made things better is when you left!"

"Don't you think I know that?" Spike asked in just barely a whisper.

"Then why are you here?"

"Xander, what happened between me and Anya was a mistake. It never should have happened. You two were so in love with each other and even though things were already messed up with you two, I know I just made it worse."

"Are you apologizing to me?" Xander looked baffled.

"Is that so hard to believe?"

"Well....Yeah! Xander answered. "Ok so you're sorry. So what? I don't know how you can be sorry anyway without a conscience but just this once I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. You both were hurt, upset and angry....yadda yadda yadda....I've heard it all before. But I still can't figure out what Buffy was doing with you."

"Buffy?" Spike looked at Xander slightly amused. "Is she what you came here for? I thought you were here to bash my head in about Anya but once again you've decided to play the role of Buffy's knight in shining armor."

Xander was stunned. Was he the only one who had never noticed his major overprotection of Buffy? Maybe Anya was right. He finally started to realize why Anya was always so upset with him. If she were constantly obsessed with the well being of some other guy, he'd be a little ticked off too.

"I'm not trying to be anyone's knight. I'm just trying to understand what happened."

"I don't understand it any better than you do, Harris. All I was doing was trying to help her get through this hell called life. Everyone else was smothering her with concern and I seemed to be the only one that she could be honest with. Next thing I knew she was kissing me. So sweetly, so gentle, then rough and passionate. There was this unmistakable fire between us and...."

"All right! That's enough! I don't need the graphic details." Xander interrupted.

"A little jealous are we?" Spike asked with just a hint of his famous smirk.

"Of you? Never!"

"Ya know, I think I finally figured you out."

"Oh great. I can't wait to hear this one." Xander sat down across from Spike and started to make himself comfortable. "Ok wise one. What is this revelation you have about me?"

"That no one will ever be good enough for Buffy where you're concerned. No one but you of course."

Xander didn't hide his look of irritation but he continued to listen anyway.

"Think about it. You never liked any of Buffy's boyfriends, not that I would actually consider myself in that group but any guy she was ever with never made the cut with you. Isn't that right?"

Xander didn't answer him. He just glared at Spike silently fuming. He couldn't think of the words to tell him off with because deep down he knew he was right.

"You even resented Riley didn't you?" Spike continued. "You played the part of the friend all the while wishing it were more. With Riley you felt like you had to pretend to be his buddy. Had to pretend to like him because he was actually this stand up guy who didn't have a demon inside him that you could use to convince her of some huge mistake she was making. You say you're in love with Anya but everything you do always seems to be all about Buffy. Doesn't it?"

Xander was enraged. Spike words cut him deep because they were the truth. He just never saw it before. He hated Angel, he did resent Riley and he definitely couldn't stand Spike. He knew Spike had done some noble things where Buffy was concerned but he would never let himself give Spike any sort of respect no matter what he did.

"You are totally off base and out of line Spike." Xander lied. "The truth is that Buffy would never want to be with you. You are a disgusting monster and after what you did to her she would never ever forgive you."

"Too late for that. She already has forgiven me. Hugged me even. Said she missed me." Spike said proudly. "She even asked for my forgiveness. Turned out she actually felt bad for hurting me."

"She wouldn't do that. Xander said, his anger building. I saw her crying on the bathroom floor that night. I saw the bruise on her leg. She would never forgive you. I was all prepared to do you in that night. Did you know that? I wanted to fetch my stake and jab it right through your unbeating heart."

"So why didn't you?" Spike asked curiously.

"Because Buffy stopped me." Xander gritted his teeth at the thought.

Spike chuckled. "And why do you think that is?"

To Be Continued....





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