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Once again, Buffy had put off doing anything about fixing what had happened between her and Spike for about a week and a half. She spent her nights patrolling and then lying in bed tossing and turning because she couldn't get him off her mind. What Halfrek had said to her in the Magic Box played over and over in her head like a broken record.

Buffy had always seemed to count on Spike loving her no matter what she did but for the first time she thought what it might be like if he took her words to heart and actually decided to move on. The last time she told him to move on he was so upset that he ended up sleeping with Anya. Buffy could kick herself for waiting this long to do something about it. What if it was already too late? What if she had lost him forever? She couldn't bare it if she lost him just because she couldn't muster up the courage to give him a chance. Halfrek obviously regretted passing him up and Buffy didn't want a life like that, a life full of regrets. The only thing that stopped her was fear. The same fears she always felt when she had to make a huge decision involving Spike.

Buffy slammed a fist into her mattress and violently turned on her side.

"Why can't anything ever be simple!" She screamed at Mr. Gordo, the stuffed pig that lay beside her on a pillow.

"Buffy? Are you all right?" Dawn asked after hearing her frustrated question to Mr. Gordo.

Buffy sat up to find Dawn standing in her doorway.

"Yeah I'm fine." Buffy huffed as she roughly threw herself back on the bed.

"Sure!" Dawn said sarcastically. "You are beating a hole in your mattress and yelling at a stuffed animal because you're fine." Dawn paused for a moment and observed Buffy lying there with her hands over her face. She's never seen her so frustrated before. "This is about Spike isn't it?"

"Of course not." Buffy lied.

"Buffy.." Dawn said in her famous 'give it up cause I know you're lying' tone.

"Fine" Buffy groaned. "Yes, it's about Spike. I just didn't want to bring him up because I know how angry you are with him."

"Buffy, do you think I like being mad at him? I hate it. I don't want things to be like this. Everything is so messed up but I can't just forget about what he's done. But I don't want you to think that you can't talk to me if there is some kind of problem with him just because I'm disgusted with what he did."

"Good. I was hoping you'd feel that way because there is something I've been meaning to tell you." Buffy said.

"What is it?" Dawn asked with fear evident in her voice.

"Don't worry. It's nothing bad." Buffy assured her. "It's just....Spike has a soul."

"What? How?" Dawn couldn't believe her ears.

"After what he tried to do that night, he went to Africa to find a way to get his soul. He found someone who gave him painful tests to pass. If he passed, then he would be granted his soul." Buffy sighed and looked at a confused Dawn. "He did it for me, Dawn. He wanted to make himself a better person."

"Thank God!" Dawn exclaimed. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to try and make yourself feel hate toward someone you love? It's exhausting!"

Buffy was surprised at Dawn's reaction. She knew how angry Dawn was at what Spike had done but she had no idea how hard it was for her to be this angry with him. Hearing Dawn say that she loved him was a little awkward. Buffy wished that she could figure out exactly what it was she felt for Spike. It seemed so easy for everyone else. Everything seemed so black and white as far as everyone else was concerned. Her friends all seemed to either love him or hate him. Buffy's feelings were somewhere in between. She just couldn't seem to define her feelings for him.

"This doesn't mean I can forget about what he tried to do to you." Dawn continued. "But he's obviously trying to turn his life around, so I guess I can try too. Besides, Spike getting his soul for you was just..." Dawn couldn't quite find the words to express how moved she was by his actions.

"I know" Buffy said. "I had the same speechless reaction, except with a lot more tears."

"So what are you going to do now?" Dawn questioned.

"I don't know." Buffy answered. "That's what I've been up here trying to figure out and let me tell you, poor Mr. Gordo has gotten an earful."

Dawn chuckled then stood up to leave Buffy alone with her thoughts.

"Hey Dawn!" Buffy yelled out to her before she could walk out her door. "Can you tell Willow to come in here. I wanted to talk to her about something. I think she's in her room."

"Sure."

While Dawn was off getting Willow, Buffy was trying to come up with a plan. She couldn't just run up to him and say she'd changed her mind. That was getting old and she knew he wouldn't put up with her indecisiveness much longer. She didn't want to be that obvious about it anyway. She knew how Spike was and if she ever admitted that she was wrong, especially when it came to a relationship between them, he'd never let her forget it. She had to be subtle about it. That's where Willow comes into the plan. She was always smart about these things. She'd know what to do. As if on cue, Willow walked into Buffy's bedroom and took a seat next to her on the bed.

"Hey Buffy." Willow greeted. "Dawn said you wanted to talk to me."

"Yeah." Buffy looked down and twiddled her fingers nervously. "Um, Willow, Have you talked to Spike lately?"

Willow gave her a sweet sympathetic smile. Spike had told her all about how Buffy had brushed him off the other day just when he thought that they were getting somewhere.

"Yes. I have seen him quite a few times lately." Willow answered. "He told me what happened the last time he saw you. He was pretty upset."

"Willow, I think I really screwed up." Buffy admitted. "Halfrek came by the magic box after I had that talk with Spike. I found out that she knew him before he was turned. He was in love with her and she just blew him off. She wouldn't give him a chance because of what her friends might have thought and now she regrets it. What if I've made the same stupid mistake?"

Willow couldn't believe what she was hearing. After what Spike had told her, she thought that any kind of relationship between them was completely done for. She was stunned that Buffy was admitting this to her but also relieved that she had decided to start confiding in her again.

"Don't worry Buffy. He loves you. You still have time to change things if that's what you want."

"But that's the thing. I don't know what I want. Why do I feel this way? I mean....It's Spike....slayer of slayers....a vampire. Aren't we supposed to hate each other?"

"Life is never that simple Buffy. The heart has reasons which reason does not know."

"Ok Willow. You are really starting to freak me out now. You sound like a fortune cookie." Buffy giggled.

"Sorry." Willow blushed. "I just meant that you can't help who you have feelings for. It's not something that anyone has ever been able to control. I mean, look at me and Tara. In high school I was head over heels for Xander and then Oz came along and I loved him so much. Who would have ever thought that I would have fallen so deeply in love with Tara? She meant everything to me." Willow looked toward the floor and tried to keep her emotions in check. Every time she thought about Tara, her heart broke just a little bit more.

"You're right. You are. Completely. But I still can't shake this feeling that being with him is wrong. I know that's just the slayer in me. But in spite of all of that, part of me really wants to give this thing with him another try and the other part of me can't believe that I just said that. I just don't know where to start."

"I do." Willow said with a huge grin on her face. "Spike said that he was going to The Bronze tonight. Actually, I think he's doing it to try and get over you. He said that he was tired of loving someone that he knew could never love him back. He looked pretty determined, so you better move fast. Put on your sexiest dress. Make yourself irresistible. We're going to The Bronze."

Buffy looked at herself in the mirror. She had to admit it. She looked good. She just hoped it would be enough. From what Willow had said, he sounded pretty determined to finally move on. She couldn't believe that she was doing this. Getting all dressed up and making herself pretty for Spike is something she never thought that she'd be doing in a million years.

Willow walked up to Buffy's room to see if she was finally done getting ready. Willow took a sharp intake of breath as she saw her. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a gorgeous red party dress with twin shoulder straps, a sloping back and red strappy heels. Her golden hair was shiny and curled slightly at the ends so it gently swept against her neck. Her make-up was perfect. It looked so elegant with perfectly natural colors highlighting her features. She never looked more beautiful. It was as if there was a constant glow around her. She was a vision.

"Wow Buffy! You look.....Wow!" Willow was stunned speechless. "And it only took you four hours." She added.

"Oh my God! Has it really been that long?" Buffy asked with panic in her voice. "We have to get going. The sun has already set. He may already be there."

Willow couldn't help but be amused at how Buffy was acting. From that very moment, she knew how much Buffy liked Spike. She looked like a teenager getting ready for her first date. She'd never seen her so nervous about anything. She couldn't ever remember a time where it ever took her that long to get ready to go out. She put extra special effort into her appearance tonight.

"Are you sure I look ok?" Buffy asked.

"You're gorgeous Buffy!" Willow answered.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! Now come on, let's go!"

The Bronze was packed. She knew it would be harder to find Spike in here tonight. She couldn't believe how crowded it was.

Willow led her and Dawn over to a table where Xander and Anya were waiting for them. Seeing her other friends sitting there made her uneasy. She knew how Xander felt about Spike, which made it so much harder for her to go through with this.

Before they even got a chance to sit down, Anya waved her left hand in their faces.

"Xander and I are engaged again!" Anya beamed. "We're getting married! For Real this time!

"Anya!" Xander exclaimed. "I thought we were going to tell them together."

"I know. I'm sorry. I just got so excited. I couldn't wait."

Buffy hadn't seen Anya this happy since the first time they were supposed to get married. She couldn't help but be worried though. She didn't want to see either one of them go through the pain they went through at their last wedding. She hoped it would last this time, but she had faith that it would. Xander was pretty level headed. She knew he wouldn't make the same mistake twice. She knew how much he truly loved Anya.

Congratulations were given from everyone along with hugs and best wishes. They were all so happy for them and relieved when Anya told them that it would be a smaller more intimate setting. Buffy didn't think she could handle keeping Xander's relatives away from the alcohol again.

When things started to settle down between them, Dawn started looking around the Bronze.

"Is Spike going to be here tonight? I was kind of hoping to get the chance to talk to him."

"I'm not sure Dawn." Willow lied. "He might show up, I'm not really sure."

Dawn didn't know that the whole purpose for going to The Bronze that night was so Buffy could look for Spike. They wanted to make sure that stayed between just the two of them. It would make everything much too nerve wracking if everybody knew why Buffy was there.

"Why are you looking for Spike?" Xander asked Dawn. "I thought you wanted to get rid of him as much as I do."

"Didn't anyone tell him?" Dawn asked.

"Tell me what?" Xander inquired.

"Spike has a soul." Buffy blurted out. "Willow, fill him in."

Buffy didn't feel like having to explain the whole soul story again. But the real reason she wanted Willow to tell them was so they would be distracted long enough to let her search the crowd for Spike. Her eyes scanned the crowd but there was no sign of him yet.

"And you believed him?" Xander asked, bringing Buffy out of search mode. "He tells you he has a soul and you all just take his word for it? I've seen him since he's returned and he doesn't seem a whole lot different to me."

Buffy considered this. She knew he was telling the truth. She saw his horrible break down first hand but in a way Xander was right. Except for trying to get past his sins, he didn't seem a whole lot different. He was the same old Spike. Still sarcastic when he needed to be but not quite as confident as he used to be. His disposition was a lot sweeter and a bit friendlier but besides that his personality hasn't changed all that much.

"He's not lying Xander." Willow said, trying to convince him. "I've been spending a lot of time with him lately and I know he's telling the truth. He's going through a lot. He's remembering all of his victims one by one through visions and dreams."

"Good!" Xander said with an angry expression. "It's about time he suffered for all the pain he's caused."

No one responded to Xander's comment. It wasn't because they agreed with him but simply because they didn't want to continue the conversation. They all knew that sticking up for Spike wouldn't do any kind of good where Xander was concerned.

Xander secretly respected Spike for what he had done. Of course he would take that bit if information to his grave but in a way it gave him a little more respect for Spike. Also, he knew that if it weren't for that conversation that he'd had with him, he might have never realized how deeply he had felt for Anya. Talking with Spike is what led him to proposing to her once again. Spike was always brutally honest. He hated how he made him see things about himself that no one else could. But at the same time he was glad he did.

Buffy continued to search all over for Spike. She was getting butterflies in her stomach and was frustrated that she hadn't been able to find him yet.

Suddenly she spotted him in the one place she should have looked first. He was sitting at the bar. He was laughing. She moved her head to get a better look at what he was doing. The crowd was so huge that night that it was hard to see with so many people in her way.

She finally got a clear look at him.

He was with another girl.

To Be Continued....





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