[2/17/07 Author's Note]
This is the original ending to this story where there's a ton of angst and a character death. If you've read this already... go on to Ch. 4 as if this chapter never happened. There will be some rehashes, then it'll veer off in a completely new direction. If you've never read this and don't mind heavy angst, I'd suggest you read this first, then cheer yourself up with the following alternate ending. If you've never read this and absolutely abhor angst, then skip this chapter entirely.
A/N: Okay, Just to be clear on this... there IS a character death in this chapter, so if you don't like fics that have a death, then stop reading and dream up your picture-perfect, fluffy spuffy ending, k?
I'm SORRY I forgot to post up a warning in the very first chapter... things were a little rushed and I was anxious to put it up.
But since I posted up my warning at 6:15am Central Time on August 24th,... I'd really appreciate it if people stop trying to verbally kill me for killing off a character.
The second I finished writing this chapter... i had given thought to discarding it and writing an alternate ending. But as i said, it was inspired by "A Little Fall of Rain", and AT THIS POINT IN TIME... another ending didn't seem appropriate.
Maybe sometime later, I WILL rewrite this with an alternate, spuffy-fluffy ending. But not now.
Once again, I'm sorry for causing you guys oh-so-much grief and hope everyone can get over it and not be so put off as to not read another one of my stories ever again.
Thanks for the people who've supported this story... it means a lot.
Chapter Three
The words didn’t fully register in his mind. He just stared at her, wide-eyed and surprised.
“You – “ he croaked and swallowed fast, “You what?”
“I’m in – I love you.”
She wanted to tell him everything. When she started loving him, what she loved about him, why she loved him, everything about her love for him. It was expanding like a bubble and just waiting to burst out. She wanted to tell him about how she had been loving him for years and how she had been heartbroken when he got with Drusilla.
But all she could do at the moment was sit and wait out his incredulous stare. When it finally hit him, he blinked a few times before finally speaking.
“No,” Spike got up from the coach and backed away from her. “No, Buffy. You don’t love me… you can’t love me. Goddammit, I’m getting married tomorrow! Why are you saying this to me?”
Spike couldn’t believe her. He couldn’t believe himself. He was confused and conflicted. He was amazed and outraged. He was excited and scared and just so fucking crazed. So, naturally, he blew up. And he couldn’t do a thing about it.
“Spike, I’m sorr-“
“You’re sorry!? Bloody – No, Buffy. You don’t come up to me the day before I get married and tell me you love me. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do? Fuck, and you’re my best friend… you – you’re not supposed to love me!” He was holding out his hands now, a gesture telling her to stay away. She hadn’t expected him to go completely crazy. In fact, she had no idea what she was expecting.
But he was not handling the news the way she wanted him to and it was breaking her heart. She stood up as well and Spike took another step back, as if she was about to attack him.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, looking at the floor. “I’m going. I wish you two the best of luck.”
She fled the room before he could open his mouth and stop her.
…………
He stared at the door that had swung shut after she disappeared behind it. Everything around him seem to be crumbling and the dam he had built to contain his feelings for her was starting to collapse. The familiar longing and desire for her flooded back and he bit his lip in his effort to send them away. Far away.
“No,” he whispered to himself and squeezed his eyes shut. “No, you love Drusilla. You will marry her tomorrow and be happy. Have a beautiful sodding life with Dru and Dru-niblets.”
Everything in him told him to stay in his apartment, go to sleep, and wake up the next day to the exciting wedding festivities. It would be the day for celebration, joy, commitment, Drusilla, and the start of a brand new, beautiful life.
And then, everything in him told him to go after the woman who had just left. His best friend. Somehow, he felt that after her declaration, things between them would never be the way they were. No matter what he did.
He didn’t know what love was anymore. Was it the happy, satisfied feeling he had with Drusilla? When he was excited every moment and always wondering how she would surprise him?
Or was it the inconsistencies between comfortable smiles and burning desire he felt with Buffy? Buffy, who knew him inside and out, who he could no longer surprise because she knew him better than he knew himself, as she so often put it. Buffy, the person he knew would always be there to support him, Buffy, the woman who took care of him and cherished him in sickness and in health, Buffy, who was the one thing in his life he always could depend on.
Buffy, who he could grow old with and still love.
In his heart, he knew who he wanted, but in his head… he didn’t know a thing.
So he kept staring at the door, hoping that an answer would fly in and hit him in the head.
………
The moment her foot landed on the sidewalk outside of his apartment, the tears flowed out of her eyes and the sobs shook her entire body. She stood for a few moments, holding onto her gut because the pain was too much to take. It was dark by now and the rain was starting to pound on the ground a little harder than it had during the day.
In her rush to leave Spike’s apartment, she had forgotten to take her coat and now, the rain was soaking through her thin shirt and moistening her skin, sending chills up and down her body. She shivered and wrapped her arms tighter around herself. There was no way she was going to go back, that was for sure.
Buffy never really liked walking around Spike’s neighborhood at night, especially if she was alone. But tonight, she really couldn’t give a damn. Her body was so numb and her heart was already so broken that all she could do was stare straight ahead, not knowing where she was going, as her feet set themselves on autopilot and made their way back home.
The moment she set foot on Mallard street, she knew that it was a mistake. Nobody walked down Mallard street when it was dark. Nobody who was female, alone, and had half a brain.
And if she wasn’t sure whether or not to turn down the street, she sure did when she heard a voice call out from behind her.
“Hey, baby, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?”
The voice was oily smooth and slickly disgusting. She could practically hear the smirk on the man’s face as he laughed.
Hurry… ignore… walk faster.
“Did you hear what I said, lady?” the voice called out again and she made out the thumping of shoes on pavement as he ran to catch up with her.
“Yeah, lady,” another voice called out, this time from her side. She shuddered and wished she was home in bed. The man by her side was close enough for her to see that he wore a black face-mask. The only thing she could make out was a glint in his eyes… and what a cold glint it was.
“Yo, Riley,” the first voice called out to his friend, “I think this bitch thinks she’s too good for us!”
“Does she really!” the man apparently named Riley laughed, then made a sudden movement towards her and stood in her way, making her stop. “Is that right, baby? You think you’re too good for us?”
He started towards her and she took a step back, promptly running into a body behind her.
“Easy there,” the first voice leered in her ear as he raised his hands to grab onto her arms. She gasped and struggled with him, but he pulled her tight against his body. No… “I think she’s excited, what do you think?”
“Right there with you, Lindsey,” Riley nodded, getting so close to Buffy she could smell alcohol tinged on his breath.
“Please…” she whimpered, twisting around, trying to get away. “Don’t do this… let me go…”
“What? Let you go?” Riley mocked, “Where would the fun in that be? I think I like you where you are!”
She yelped as he put his hands on her neck and dragged them slowly over her chest.
“Love the shirt, you little slut,” Riley hissed and Lindsay laughed before licking her neck. “It’s nice and … thin.”
“I’ll scream,” she threatened, trying not to vomit at the feel of the tongue violating her neck and the hands squeezing her breasts.
“Oh, you’ll be screaming, all right,” Lindsay smiled, wickedly. Suddenly, without warning, he turned and threw her against the side-alley wall. She shrieked and felt her head slam against the brick, the pain shocking her body as she fell to the ground.
One of them pounced on her and covered her mouth, as the other violently tore her shirt off her body. Hands were on her, bruising her and hurting her, and her only thought was that she needed Spike. Where was he now? Please… save me…
Her screams were muffled and no matter how hard she fought, they kept her down as they assaulted her body again, and again, and again.
And after they were through, they stuck a knife into her stomach and left her there to die as they looked for more fun – and damage – they could manage in a night.
…………
Spike made his decision. He wasn’t sure what would happen tomorrow, how to tell Drusilla that it wouldn’t work, what anybody would think of him, but at the moment, he really didn’t care.
He grabbed the coat that Buffy had left on the coach and went running out of his door. He had to see her. Had to see her and apologize and let her know how he felt.
Everything would be better once he saw her again. The moment he was out of his apartment, something inside him fluttered. Excitement. Happiness. Fulfillment.
He had to see her now.
…………
As he was walking, he planned what he would say. ’Buffy, I’m sorry for exploding. You just surprised me. The truth of the matter is that…’, he stopped his train of thought, thinking he’d die of embarrassment if he started with something like that.
He had forgotten to bring an umbrella and the rain drops came down heavier with each passing minute. ”Buffy, I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time.”
Sighing, he shook his head. There was no way he could say this without sounding like a complete ponce. Not that it really mattered anyways. Not when it came to Buffy. She knew everything there was to know about him and she still loved him. She loves me, the thought brought a smile to his face.
He was about to pass Mallard street when something stopped him. The sound of whimpering… crying…his name.
“Hello?” his brows furrowed and he hesitated before slowly started down the alley. He knew this wasn’t a good decision. Mallard had a rep, a bad one.
But he heard it again. The soft crying… the sob… the weeping.
“Spike…”
The voice was a little above a whisper and contained so much grief and so much hope, he nearly died on the spot. It was Buffy. He couldn’t see her but he was sure of it.
“Buffy?” His voice rose and he squinted, trying to find her.
“Spike… is that you?” she called out, weakly.
He took a few more steps. Then, what he saw made his stomach lurch and his eyes see red. All he could do was run towards the huddled figure next to a dumpster.
“Buffy! Buffy… what?” He kneeled beside her and immediately shrugged off his leather jacket to wrap around her naked body. She trembled at his touch and flinched when the jacket touched her skin. Spike inhaled sharply, taking in the bruises and cuts on her face that shone pale in the moonlight.
The rain fell harder and washed away some of the dirt that was on her face.
“Who did this to you?” he hissed, feeling as if someone had gutted him. She looked away.
“Don’t look at me,” she whispered. Her hand was clenched around her stomach wound. She had lost a lot of blood and felt weaker every second. She tried to hide it from him so he wouldn’t notice. It was too late. She knew it and fought it and tried to stay strong.
“Buffy, love,” he caressed her face. He couldn’t question her right now. Not when she was so shaken up. “I’ll take you home.”
He tried to help her up but she shook her head, wincing in pain.
“No, Spike,” her voice was small and weak and it was breaking him apart. “Just… hold me.”
He got down next to her and took her in his arms, apologizing when he heard her shudder and gasp in pain when he tried to move her.
“Spike, I love you,” Buffy said. “I’m sorry, but I love you so much.”
“I should be sorry, dammit,” he said in her ear. “I was so scared when you told me… I love you too, Buffy. More than anything in the world. God, what would I do without you?”
She closed her eyes and leaned into him. “Love you… so…”
“Buffy?” he said, sharply, feeling her slip away. He shook her shoulders and the jacket fell from part of her body. That was when he saw it.
The blood trailing down from where her hands were clutching her stomach. Blood that made her skin red and angry.
“No… no…” he tried to move her hands to inspect the wound, but she shook her hand.
“It’s too late,” she said.
“No, I’m getting an ambulance!” he reached into his pockets to feel around for his cell phone, but in his rush to get to her house, he had forgotten to grab it. “Shit,” he swore and looked down at Buffy, who was staring at him with a slight smile.
Shit. He didn’t want to leave her, but she needed to go to a hospital. Badly.
“Spike… just stay with me. Please?”
His entire being broke into a million shattered pieces as he heard the pleading sound in her beautiful voice.
“Okay, baby,” he reached for her and held her close to him, trying to warm her with his body.
“Remember… the time,” she struggled with the words, breathing heavily, trying to find the energy to say them, “I was sick for… over three months... and… I thought I was g-going to die?”
“Yeah, love,” he nuzzled her hair and rubbed her shoulders. “You thought you were going to die, and I said that I was going to sit by your bed every single day and every single night until you got better. I said I wouldn’t let you die. And I wont. I never will.”
“I love you,” she repeated, but Spike roughly shook her.
“No,” he protested, his voice cracking as a sob threatened to work its way up his throat. “Not like that, Buffy. Not like that…”
“Spike…” her voice was fading away, but Spike wouldn’t let her go. Not without a fight. He couldn’t let her …
“Remember when I had the alcohol problem and my mum kicked me out of the house? Who gave me a place to stay, huh? Who was there for me?”
She gave him a weak smile and he kissed her forehead. He brushed the damp hair from her face and tenderly traced the delicate curve of her cheek before kissing her lips gently. Her lips felt cold and they trembled against his.
“You were always there for me, love,” he whispered against her lips. “And I’ll always be there for you. Just hold on… please… promise me…”
“… try …” was all she could manage and he kissed her again.
But as strong as her will was to make it through the night, her body couldn’t take the loss of blood. She saw the world fading and felt her heart slowing as her mind screamed No!… no…
She opened her mouth to try to speak one more time, “Spike…”
“Shhh, stay with me, baby,” Spike held her and cried, unable to keep the tears from his eyes. “I need you to. I love you more than life itself.”
The rain kept coming stronger and stronger, wiping away the tears, the dirt, and the blood. It wiped away the life of one and the heart of the other as Buffy closed her eyes one last time and Spike held onto her as if he could give her his own life through his touch.
…………
There was no wedding the next day. The news of Buffy’s death had come as a shock to everybody. Willow locked herself up, her mother broke out crying, her father tried to remain stable for the family’s sake and mourned in his own, private way, her sister ran up to her room and threw things at the wall in rage and sorrow.
Drusilla knew from the minute she heard about Buffy’s death that she would never marry Spike, no matter how much she loved him. So it was no surprise to her when Spike pressed his ring into her hands, shook his head, then turned his back on her without so much a word of goodbye.
Grief mutes people, sometimes. And in times of grief, it’s what they don’t say that matters the most. Drusilla understood that and secretly hoped that one day, after Spike moved on, they might grow with each other again and rediscover each other in new light.
Spike closed himself off to the world.
…………
Spike didn’t join the gathering in the cemetery. He stood behind a tree, watching Buffy’s family and friends cry around her coffin. All he could feel was emptiness as he turned around and walked away.
He kept walking until he couldn’t walk anymore, and that was when he was at the edge of the seaport, looking out into the angry waves of the open ocean.
A part of him urged him to jump over, to join her in death. When he looked at the ocean, all he could see was the big black abyss that was his future. She had filled the void with brightness, and now she was gone and he didn’t want to comprehend it. Now, all he wanted to do was jump.
Spike didn’t know how long he had stood there, just staring at the horizon. But as the sun disappeared, he turned his back and headed back home.
Tomorrow would be another day. Another painful day. But maybe after a few million tomorrows,… he would finally find a way to conceal Buffy in his heart and fill the void.
AN:
This story is inspired by "A Little Fall of Rain", a song in the musical Les Miserables (... if you've read some of my other stuff, you'll probably get the gist that i LOVE Broadway musicals, lol).
The two characters are Eponine and Marius. Eponine is in love with Marius, but his main love interest is a girl named Cosette.
This takes place during the French Revolution (i'm pretty sure... some French war, anyways.) and Eponine dies at the barricades.
This is the song that Eponine and Marius sing together, and I just happen to find it incredibly touching. It's worth listening to.
"A Little Fall of Rain"
EPONINE
Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.
MARIUS
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,
If I could heal your wounds with words of love.
EPONINE
Just hold me now, and let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me
MARIUS
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now...
EPONINE
The rain can't hurt me now
This rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last.
The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven-blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest
A breath away from where you are
I've come home from so far
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
EPONINE
And rain...
MARIUS
And rain...
EPONINE
Will make the flowers...
MARIUS
Will make the flowers... grow...
(She dies. Marius kisses her, then lays her on the ground)
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks for the reviews...
When I read them, I realized that you guys were looking for something long and angsty in which everything would work out and Buffy & Spike would live happily ever after. I also realize that it would be a great plot for a story.. unfortunately, that isn't the plot for this story. It is a sad ending, but NOT for reasons that you might think and i don't want to spoil it for you.
i just ask that you read it if you think you can take it.
At the end, I added the song that this story was inspired by and hopefully, you'll see the connection.
When I read them, I realized that you guys were looking for something long and angsty in which everything would work out and Buffy & Spike would live happily ever after. I also realize that it would be a great plot for a story.. unfortunately, that isn't the plot for this story. It is a sad ending, but NOT for reasons that you might think and i don't want to spoil it for you.
i just ask that you read it if you think you can take it.
At the end, I added the song that this story was inspired by and hopefully, you'll see the connection.