Chapter 38
Spike had woken before Buffy every other day, but apparently she’d beaten him today because…well because her hands were currently working their way inside his pants.
Not even opening his eyes, he grabbed her wrists, still careful not to hurt her but with enough force to stop her, before they could reach their destination.
Only then did he open his eyes; something he was still wondering if he should have done.
“Where’re your pajamas, kitten?” Buffy lay, naked, just inches away from him. He tried oh so hard not to look; and almost succeeded.
“Back there,” she cocked her head slightly to the side over her shoulder and he figured she must have meant the floor beside the bed.
“And why are they not on you?” Why again, he asked himself, was he both stopping her from touching him and trying to get her clothed? Wasn’t this a dream come true? Yea, if he thought she actually was doing this because it was something she truly wanted to do. But he didn’t, not really.
“God I must really suck at this if you have to keep asking me all these questions,” this time she didn’t sound upset or angry, just determined.
“I’m just—“ he didn’t know what he was ‘just’…doing, thinking, saying or otherwise, he had no idea.
“You know you want me,” Buffy had leaned to whisper it in his ear and Spike froze as he felt her breasts just barely brushing against his clothed chest.
“Of course, I do; you know I do. But this isn’t the time for it, pet. Why are you so intent on all of this happening right now?”
“So I’m not allowed to want you right now? I have to wait until you say it’s okay?”
“No I’m not—“ he started, not wanting to upset her, but then changed his mind. “Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.”
“You are such an—Oh! I get it; let’s make Buffy and then she’ll quit trying to fuck me. Good plan there, Spikey—except it’s not going to work.”
“Bloody hell, I can’t take this!” Before she could do any more—and she was definitely trying to do more—Spike jumped up out of the bed. “What are you doing Buffy?” he nearly snapped at her.
“Why are you so convinced I can’t just want this?” she asked, her voice weaker now.
“Why? Because this isn’t you. You deny things for as long as possible, this is too sudden for you.”
“How do you know it hasn’t been building over the past weeks?”
“Has it?”
“Yes.”
“And it led to this?”
“Well—sort of,” she admitted in a small voice.
“Won’t you just tell me what’s going on, luv?”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“Buffy,” he moved back to sit on the bed, but only after pulling the sheets and blanket up around her, “please just tell me what this is all about.” She just looked at him looking undecided. “Please?”
“You’re—you’ll make me go,” she gave as an answer.
“Make you go where?”
“The hospital.”
“And why would I do that?” Spike asked, having a feeling he was not going to like her answer.
“Because of my reasoning,” still she avoided answering.
“Which is?” he pushed.
“Well see, it’s…well, uhm…Can you just let me say all of my reason before you say anything?”
“Usually that means I’m not going to like it.” She just waited for him to answer. “Yeah, I’ll wait.”
“Good. Now how to say this,” she thought for a moment then. “That night that I shut you out of the house I kind of felt bad about it and then everything happened and all I really had was time to think about stuff, you know? So I’m spending all of this time thinking and I realize…I missed you; I, of course, wouldn’t admit to it, but I did. And then you had to go and buy me that bear and then everything that night my mom went into the hospital…and then you moving in here. Everything since then, too.
“I don’t really know what exactly it is I feel for you, Spike. But I do know it’s more than I ever would have thought a few weeks ago,” she could tell he wanted to say something then. “And no, it’s not just due to the circumstances—well in a way it is. I can avoid things for a long time when I’m doing enough things, when I’m busy enough…but if all I’m doing is resting and thinking, well…well then I have to actual face facts—about some things at least. So yeah, I don’t know what it is I feel for you; but I know it’s something and you…you love me so…I wanted us to have…before….before,” she didn’t look like she was going to continue, but finally she did. “Before I die,” she said, her voice barely a whisper.
“Oh ho ho! Oh, you’d better not be thinking for even a second that I—you are off--,” Spike looked incredibly angry with her, something Buffy hadn’t expected. Spike turned his back to her, resting his forehead against the door and taking several deep breaths before standing back up. Buffy jumped when he banged his fist on the closed door—hard but not hard enough to cause damage. “Dammit Buffy, you can’t be—Why are you even thinking like that? What do you think it’s going to accomplish? What good do you think thinking all that bollocks is going to do you?”
“I’m not saying it’s going to do me any good,” she jumped in. “But it’s…I know how I feel Spike—physically at least—and I know this isn’t getting better. C’mon, even Dawn’s seen it; that’s why she—“
“Why she said I was blind, yeah I know,” he sighed, running a hand through his already messy hair. “I’ve just—I’ve let you down, haven’t I?”
“God, no; why would you think that Spike?”
“You and the Bit’ve both seen it; I was just deluding myself and look where it got you. You really do need to go to—“
“I don’t want to go to the hospital,” Buffy insisted.
“Well I don’t rightly care any more now do I? I’m supposed to be taking care of you and I’ve been falling down on the job. Not anymore though; figure out what it is you want to wear and whatever you’ll want Dawn or me to bring over later and then we’re going. I’ll go get Dawn up.”
“Spike,” she wasn’t sure exactly what she wanted to say, but knew it was important nonetheless.
“You can tell me later,” he assured her.
“I really wish I could tell you now.”
“Don’t worry about it—we’ve got all the time in the world,” he left before she could refute the last part of his statement.
Buffy thought for a second about being angry with Spike—not only had he stopped her from having sex with him, rejected her really, but he’d also just told her what to do, not giving her a choice in the matter. She shouldn’t have a choice in the matter though, should she? So far they’d seemingly left it up to her and that hadn’t gotten her anywhere, at least not anywhere good.
Maybe she actually needed to thank Spike. Maybe.
TBC……..
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Author's Chapter Notes:
okay, so I know some of you are getting fed up with me and have decided this is taking too long, but...well the story's written and I'm sorry that my taking too long to post the chapter's is making you think that actual telling of the story is too spaced out...
I'm not doing any internety stuff (besides obviously this update) or writing until I finish reading the Harry Potter books--4 days ago I had the last 3 to read, now I just have all but 98 pages of the last two, so it shouldn't be too long--but there really are going to be new stories...I'm just having a tough time getting them written is all....
Try not to all give up on me?
I'm not doing any internety stuff (besides obviously this update) or writing until I finish reading the Harry Potter books--4 days ago I had the last 3 to read, now I just have all but 98 pages of the last two, so it shouldn't be too long--but there really are going to be new stories...I'm just having a tough time getting them written is all....
Try not to all give up on me?