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Buffy's Decision

Author: Pattyanne
Summary: A little one act playlet about who Buffy will end
up with: Spike or Angel?

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Angel: You have to choose.

Buffy: I know. It's a tough decision.

Spike: No, it's not. You've just been programmed to
think that it is.

Buffy: What's THAT supposed to mean?

Spike: I dunno. Just seems like you let other people do most
of your thinking for you and they always seem to be making
bad decisions.

Angel: Stop picking on her!

Spike: (Annoyed sigh) Oh, fine. Let's do it the scientific way.

Buffy: I don't think so. I failed science twice.

Spike: That's just cause you were never in class. Get a piece
of paper and pencil....now draw a line down the middle...label
one side 'Spike' and one side 'Asshole'....I mean, 'Angel'. Sorry.

Angel: Oh, this is VERY scientific.

Spike: Change it back to 'Asshole'. No? Right then...answer me
some questions. Who helped you save the world three
times?

Buffy: You did.

Spike: Put a little X on my side of the paper. That's my girl.

Angel: Technically, I helped with the last one, too.

Spike: Yeah. You made that long grueling trip from LA
to deliver a necklace. Right dangerous THAT was.

Angel: Hey! That necklace was key!

Spike: All right. Give him half an X. Satisfied? Now, who
DIED helping you save the world?

Buffy: You did. I know, I know...I'm X-ing.

Angel: Excuse me? Acathla?

Spike: Are you fucking kidding me? You didn't volunteer
for that, you buggering moron!

Angel: I still died.

Spike: You came back!

Angel: So did you!

Spike: That's different.

Buffy: Hey! Can we get to the next question please?

Spike: No X for you, Peaches.

Buffy: He's right, Angel. Besides, you started that one.

Spike: Hey, that's right! Take off that half an X.

Angel: Wait a second!

Buffy: Next question, please!

Spike: Who's better in bed?

Angel: Hold it!

Spike: What? That's something a girl has to think about
when she's making a decision like this.

Angel: Are you implying that you're better?

Spike: Ask the lady.

Angel: Buffy? Say something!

Buffy: Oh, um...well...I just...you know...we...you and me...we
only...just the one time...and then you...and I was...you
know, young...I didn't really have any...um...and you're kind
of...and Spike is really....I mean...oh, but...THAT doesn't
count...much. You know, I think...um...."

Spike: Well, I think THAT little speech is grounds for a great BIG
X on my side, don't you, Peaches?

Buffy: And besides...we should be...not totally basing this on...on
who's...although...a girl DOES have to think about these things
when...well...and...and....oh, dear..."

Spike: What's wrong, baby?

Buffy: I'm thinking about it. God, Spike...it's been so long.

Spike: Soon, baby. I promise. Mark down the X now.

Angel: This is SO not fair. She loved ME first!

Spike: Well, she loves ME now!

Angel: I am NOT bad in bed!!!!

Spike: Buffy? Who gave you more orgasms? Me or the poof?

Buffy: Let me think. (Begins counting under her breath)

Angel: THAT is a totally unfair question!

Spike: Whoever told you that life is fair? If life was fair, we
wouldn't even be having this discussion.

Buffy: (still counting) 122, 123, 124....

Angel: I was only with her one night. You had months with her.

Spike: It's not MY fault you only had one night. You're the one
couldn't control his demon.

Buffy: 182, 183, 184...

Angel: And you could?

Spike: I did. For years.

Angel: You had a chip!

Spike: Oh, buggering Christ...here we go.

Buffy: 210, 211, 212....

Spike: The chip meant nothing, asshole! I could have gotten
around it if I'd wanted to.

Buffy: 229, 230, 231....my hand is starting to cramp.

Spike: Sorry, baby. You can stop with the Xs now.

Buffy: I need another piece of paper.

Spike: Now, let's discuss....

Angel: Wait a second. Not even one X on my side? We were
together all night!

Buffy: Well...like I said...you're kind of... and Spike is really....

Spike: Sometimes, it IS the size of the boat!

Angel: I don't believe this.

Spike: Let's discuss souls.

Angel: Aha!!! I had mine first!!

Spike: I went looking for mine. I fought for it. Nearly died for it. Can
anyone tell me why?

Buffy: ( Happily raising her hand) Oh! I can! You did it for me!

Spike: That's right, kitten. You're such a clever girl.

Angel: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Spike: Let's wrap this up then. Buffy...

Buffy: Hmmm?

Spike: Who loves you more than anything on earth? Who's
loved no one but you for years now?

Buffy: You do, Spike.

Angel: So do I!!!

Spike: (picks up a newspaper) Hey, look at that! Gonna be a
full moon tonight. S'pose that means your puppy will be
showing up soon.

Buffy: You have a puppy?

Angel: She's not a puppy. (Looks guilty, mumbles) She's a werewolf.

Buffy: You have a werewolf?

Angel: But I don't love her!

Spike: Oh, I know. You're just boffing her for kicks.

Angel: Yes. NO! I mean...it's not like that...you...hey!

Spike: No, you LOVED Cordelia.

Buffy: WHHHAAAATTT???

Angel: Oh, Jesus....

Spike: And I think you had a little something for Fred, too.

Angel: EVERYONE had something for Fred!

Spike: Not me, mate. I liked her fine. She was a real lady. But
I love Buffy. I always will.

Buffy: Who's Fred?

Spike: Our last topic is gypsy curses.

Angel: Oh, no...

Spike: Oh, yes. Who's got one?

Buffy: Angel!

Spike: That's right, darling. Now, who DOESN'T have one?

Buffy: Lots of people.

Spike: Yeah, but...who in this room doesn't have one?

Buffy: You and me.

Spike: Another X on my side there, love.

Buffy: I'm out of room.

Spike: Well, then let's add up our scores.

Buffy: Does anybody have a calculator?

Angel: No. And don't start counting again. It's humiliating.

Buffy: That's okay. I really don't need to. (Turns to Angel) I'll
always care about you, Angel...but I belong with blondie
over there.

Angel: He's not a natural blonde, you know.

Buffy: Oh, I know...believe me, I know. Anyway, you have lots
to do here in LA, and I'm just not in the mood.

Angel: Buffy....I'm your first love. How can you do this?

Buffy: Oh, for goodness sake, Angel. You've really got to get past
that "First Love" thing. I was a kid, for crying out loud. I
didn't know any better. And, anyway...Spike is really...and
you're kind of....

Angel: Okay, okay! Don't say it again. Here. (Tosses keys to
Spike) Take the Viper. Go.

Spike: (Takes Buffy's hand) Shall we, love?

Buffy: (Eagerly) Yes, please. How big is the back seat of a
Viper?

Spike: Let's go find out.


Big Musical Bang Up Finish. Curtains Closing. Mad Applause.

On to part 2





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