Author's Note: This is just an angsty little ficlet, partly trying to explain that whole Immortal thing, and partly just wanting to show what Buffy was feeling after losing Spike. The idea for it came to me while watching the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast, although it really doesn't have much of anything to do with the movie, so that's probably not even important. I've never done anything first person POV in Buffy's voice before, so I'm hoping it turned out all right.
This fic is part of my Post-Chosen series, but since it takes place before any of the other fics in the series, you definitely don't have to read any of those to understand this one. For a chronological list of all the fics in this series, go here:
http://www.dark-desire.org/blood/subpages/post-chosen.html
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"We danced in graveyards
With vampires 'till dawn
We laughed in the faces of kings
Never afraid to burn
And I hate
Disintegration
Watching us wither
Black winged roses
That safely change their color
Oh, these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh, these little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces
Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again…"
—Tori Amos, "Little Earthquakes"
In fairy tales, they're the true magic words. You say them, and everything's better again. Instantly. The hold of evil is broken and the damsel gets her handsome prince.
I knew it was foolish to think I could find that sort of magic in my life. After all I've seen, all the pain I've suffered, I knew I could never have the fairy tale. I'd given up on it long before I ever even met him.
But in that moment, with fire surrounding our hands, only not consuming like I'd always thought it would, I thought…maybe this time…
Maybe I could believe in fairy tale magic again.
So I said the words I'd been afraid to say, because in that moment, I was afraid not to say them. I had to take the chance.
I didn't get my magic.
He didn't even believe me.
I knew, in that moment, I wasn't going to get my happy ending. I said the words, but the world continued to fall down around us and the fire spread to burn him whole.
No magic. Only loss.
Someone I loved, gone again…
That moment was my final shot, one last ditch effort to find something I'd looked for so long.
Overlooked…
A happy ending. A fairy tale ending.
Even as I watched what had been my home collapse into nothing, I tried to make it a happy ending. It hadn't been a fairy tale, but he'd given his life so that I could finally have mine. That had to mean something for me, didn't it?
It didn't take me long to figure out my life wasn't the same anymore without him in it—and never would be the same again.
I'm still not ready for him not to be here…
Weeks went by, and I felt myself slipping. If he made me feel alive again, then what was I without him?
I was what he never really wanted me to be, not anymore, not after everything…
So I tried to live. For him. I didn't get my fairy tale, didn't get my happily ever after, but he died so I could live. I couldn't let his death mean nothing.
But every time I thought of him, thought of that moment, I crumbled.
I said the words that should've been magic.
I still lost him.
He didn't believe me.
I'd learn to feel again from touch once. His touch. A dead man reminded me to live.
But what I'd done to him in the process… I'd twisted what should've been between us, used him until there was nothing left.
I took the magic away.
I was desperate to feel again, to remember how to be alive, though this time, it wasn't for me. It was for him. I needed to live again, so I tried to find my spark the only way I knew how.
I tried to get lost in someone else's touch.
This time, I chose someone I could never hurt like I hurt him. Someone who wouldn't want me to care. I tried to lose myself, my pain, tried to remember how to feel again.
It's not working, and knowing that makes me even emptier than before.
No other touch is his.
No other hands can make me feel…
My lover now doesn't notice when I leave the bed, doesn't notice I'm not there at his side.
He always knew.
Slept like the dead, but he always felt me leave…
It hurts now to think of leaving...
If I had him with me now, I'd never leave again.
But I don't have him. I don't have anything. Not even a purpose, not with the weight of being the only One off my shoulders.
I don't have magic.
I never thought I'd miss it, but I do. It grounded me in a way I took for granted, and now? I'm just drifting, just existing.
To him, I'd still be the One…
I feel like nothing now. It's not like before, yet worse in some ways. There's an empty place inside me where he should be, and I can't seem to forgive myself for not accepting what he was until the end.
Until it was too late.
I have to face the truth now, as much as it hurts to look at it. As much as it hurts to look at myself…
I never let us be a fairy tale, never let us have the magic. I only tried to reach for it when my time was up, and couldn't get it anymore.
The last of my fire burned with him, until there was nothing left.
There's nothing left of him.
He died for me, so I tried to live for him. I tried to feel again.
I tried to smile again.
But now I sit alone, watching the sun rise over Rome, and I realize I have nothing.
Not even dust.
Just a little short, angsty thing, but if you've read any more in this series, you know she gets her happy ending with Spike. *wink*
Please leave a review and let me know what you thought!