The bar was dark as she knew it would be. Demons tended to like to drink in the dankest places. Buffy thought briefly of Willy’s bar back in Sunnydale, and then shook the thought out of her head. She was here in London a million miles away from her old life.
The girls followed her down the stairs, understandably they were apprehensive. Since she had started training the new slayers Buffy never ceased to be touched by their amazement. She had lived in this world for so long, nothing surprised her anymore. Her thoughts drifted again to that first field trip with the potentials, with him. He’d joked that at those prices ‘You should get blood straight from the body’ then seeing the girls recoil had added… Vampire? It was easy to sometimes forget.
Oh she often forgot. He could be so…normal. He ate human food, liked crappy soap opera’s, and loved her.
“Buffy?” One of the girls, Claudia was it? Touched her arm. Buffy knew all their names now, she could even let some of them get close, she had him to thank for that too.
“What? Oh, yes, girls take a look around, but I wouldn’t recommend trying the munchies.”
Why was he so in her thoughts tonight? Well he was always there but she tried to push it away, buried him deep with the agony of losing him. She had to go on living and make his sacrifice worthwhile. He had died to save the world, burned in the hell mouth to protect them all, to save her. But not tonight, the thoughts would not be dismissed; he was always so persistent she smiled. It was almost as though she could feel him.
Spike was on his second or third shot of whiskey. It was unusual stock for a demon bar, but the owner had become accustomed to his tastes. When the mood took him Spike could boost profits by quite a bit. Business was business.
Everyone knew to leave him alone, Spike was a regular here and more than once a broken nose or cracked cranium had emphasised his wish for solitude. Drowning his heart was never going to be a spectator sport.
He felt the hairs stand up on the back of his neck. That prickly feeling he always got when… slayers. And a few of them too, his thoughts went back to the field trip for the slayer wanna be’s. It seemed a lifetime ago.
Slayers, no, not just slayers, THE slayer. He raised his head from contemplating his glass. It couldn’t be. The ache inside him must be playing tricks on his bloody senses. There it was, that unmistakable scent, sunshine and roses and life. It was his slayer, and she was bloody close. Of all the gin joints in all the world she had to walk into mine. Spike grimaced at the quote. Hell! He downed his drink and got up to leave.
Buffy walked through the bar, keeping an eye on the girls who were cautiously looking around. The sudden movement caught her eye. The black duster, the shock of platinum blonde hair. Someone had stolen his look! Ok, Billy Idol took it but Billy wouldn’t be hanging out in a demon bar. Someone was trying to be William the Bloody and who ever it was had some ‘splaining to do. She took a couple of steps forward and was shocked by the sudden attack of violent tinglies pulsating through her body. They may have stolen the image, but no way could anyone replicate that feeling.
“Spike?” She called out.
“Bollocks!”
He stopped in his tracks. This was going to be awkward.
He turned, resigned that he had been caught.
“Slayer.” He said matter of fact, his head tilted to one side. He wrapped the duster around him his hands crossed in front of himself.
She narrowed the distance between them until she was standing less than two feet away. Why did he have to look so… like that?
“Spike? Is it really you? You’re alive!”
“Nope, technically still dead man walking, but I’m back.”
“H… how?”
“What? You think you have the monopoly on resurrection, luv?”
He was just standing there, that smug, self satisfied grin. She didn’t know whether to throw her arms around him or punch him in the face. How could he be so calm?
He could feel her heart beating; it was going what seemed a thousand beats a minute. Was it her uncertainty that he was real or something else, fear? He held his hands firmly together, struggling to control himself. She was there, in front of him; he could have just reached out and run his fingers through that golden hair. He noticed it was still long, god he loved that about her, she was so beautiful. ‘Bugger’ It had been so much easier when he couldn’t see her, smell her, feel her. His hands clenched tighter.
Around them demons and girls alike had lapsed into silence aware that some drama was enfolding. If there was going to be a fight then the entertainment was always welcome for the clientele, the girls prepared to take notes.
“So, you’ve seen me. I’m up and about. I’ll be on my merry way then.” Spike said eventually turning to leave.
Buffy stood with her mouth opening and closing as she watched him walk out of the fire escape with that same arrogant swagger. The crash as the door closed brought her out of the trance. She turned to the waiting audience.
“Anything who touches one of these girls is going to be demon kebab!” She announced before following the blonde vampire.
The street was empty. What I wouldn’t give for the smelling people thing right now. She thought. How could he just walk out like that? But he was close, she could feel it. She stood looking left and right, not sure which way to go.
“Spike!” She yelled desperately.
The vampire rolled his eyes. ‘I am going to hate myself for this.’ He muttered before stepping out from the shadows.
“You bellowed?”
Relieved, she walked over to him. The punch came at lightening speed connecting with his nose.
“ Ow! What the bloody hell did you do that for?” Spike cradled the injured appendage. “And why do you always go for the face?”
“That is for leaving.”
“What did you expect me to do? Stand there like a zoo exhibit while you made goldfish faces at me? I have to drink in that bar pet, not good for the image you know.”
“I didn’t mean in there.”
“Oh. Pardon me for dying while saving the world. I forgot that is a patented Buffy trick.”
“How did it happen? You coming back?”
“Something to do with the trinket. One minute I’m a roman bloody candle, the next I turn up in Peaches’s office. Well, there was some time in between but that’s all I remember. Was a ghost for a bit, which was a bundle of laughs I can tell you. Then one day this parcel turns up and POW. There I am with the corporeal again.”
“How… how long?”
“Same length as before luv, but thank you for checking.” He grinned lecherously. Same old Spike.
Buffy rolled her eyes. “You’re still a pig Spike. You know what I meant.”
“I don’t know really. Few weeks till I came back, hung around with Peaches, another apocalypse, bloody big dragon, usual stuff. I suppose about eighteen months all told.”
“You were in that battle?”
“Yeah, just got out by the skin of my wotsits too. You missed a doozie…”
“And in all that time you didn’t think. Hey I know I’ll call Buffy and just mention the fact that I haven’t actually died.”
“Well I would have done but I was a bit busy. I did mention the apocalypse…?”
“What about before then? When you first came back?”
“You know I don’t do the phone thing pet. Anyway, by the time I got my body back and tall, dark and forehead and I caught up with you, you were all hot and heavy with the Immortal. I figured you weren’t exactly sobbing into your pillow every night.” Spike knew he sounded petty, but she did go on.
“It was a… thing. I thought you were dead remember?”
Spike held his hands up in mock surrender. “No skin off mine luv. You moved on. I’m happy for you.”
Buffy looked into those blue eyes, searching for something. This is Spike; he doesn’t give up so easily.
“Is that what you really thought? That I didn’t care?” She said quietly.
Spike ran his hand through his hair. This was not a conversation he wanted to have.
“You explained often enough why you could never love me. Quite vocal on that point, quite violent about it too. I guess it eventually sunk in.”
“Spike. This is me.” That same determined gaze. In that moment he knew he was lost, all pretence at surliness melted away with that look.
“Buffy I… Look shouldn’t you be getting back to the slumber party. Those girlies could be bar snacks by now.”
“They’ll cope. They’re slayers; call it on the job training.” She held his gaze. “Talk to me Spike. Please?”
He sighed. “All I ever wanted was for you to love me, the way that I loved you. But it was never going to happen was it? Those last few weeks, hell, those last days. I began to believe that maybe… Buffy I can’t do this.”
He looked so helpless that Buffy almost relented. Almost. She took reached out and took his hand. He looked at it, her small hand in his remembering the last time their fingers locked. No visible flames this time but her touch seemed to burn all the same.
“We never were very good with the talking were we?” She said gently.
“No luv, more about the physical. Language we both understood.”
“And I regretted that everyday. That I didn’t tell you how I felt, not till the end. I don’t want to make that mistake again. I want to; no I need to know why you didn’t come back to me. Surely you owe me that much? ”
He took a deep unnecessary breath. “I love you, you knew it. I told you it wasn’t about me. Oh I admit it had been, up until those last days. I would have done anything to be near you. I was just being selfish. But, when I died in that cave, you had the chance to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you. I could never make you happy but I hoped you would be proud. Finally you would think well of me. I knew you would never truly love me, but your approval, your respect even? That would be enough. I could hardly bloody well turn up after that then could I?”
“But I told you! I told you that I loved you!”
“Yeah.” He looked shy, like a little boy. “You told me, but it wasn’t me you loved. You loved what I was doing. I knew that. I understand Buffy. There’s only one vampire in your heart, I don’t know what you see in him, but that’s the way it is. I saw it that night in the vineyard and I knew then I had to let you go. Even if you don’t end up with broodzilla. I couldn’t be second best… knowing.”
Her green eyes gazed into his blue. She had the beginning of tears. “You always did know me so well.”
Spike moved to pull his hand away but Buffy held it fast.
“Listen to me. I was proud of you Spike, but not just for closing the hell mouth. I was proud of who you had become. Long before that you were a good man even before the soul. When I… when I came back you helped me find myself. When I lost my way after they kicked me out, you were my strength. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
Uncertainty written all over his face Spike tried to read her.
“And yes, you’re right. There is one and only one vampire in my heart.”
Spike felt his non beating heart start to break. Not again, he thought I really should edit what comes out of my mouth.
“I don’t know what I see in him either. He is the most stubborn, irritating, arrogant, pigheaded, annoying, bonehead!”
Spikes eyes opened wide with surprise.
“He spends years following me around, studying my moods, reading my mind, getting in my way and then, when it comes down to it he’s a complete dope! Knows slayers my arse! He completely missed all the most important stuff. Gets a soul, comes back from the dead, becomes the one person I can’t live without and then he decides he’s not good enough for me.”
Buffy stood in front of him her hands on her hips.
“Did I mention shirty? You really are very shirty!”
“Buffy…”
“And next time I tell you that I love you. You had better believe me!”
“So what does that mean?” His eyebrow raised, a slight smile playing on his lips.
“You asked me that once before.”
“And you said you didn’t know.”
“It means that I am tired of everyone deciding what is best for me, including you. Buffy decides what’s best for Buffy and you are the best thing for me. I don’t know how you could even think you were second best, I chose you as my champion… Unless of course you really have moved on?” Buffy bit her bottom lip as though the thought had only just occurred to her. Perhaps he had found someone else. That would explain why he hadn’t contacted her. So much for loving her forever, she suddenly felt very, very foolish.
“Well say something!” She snapped. If he was going to break her heart he had better do it quickly and get it over with instead of standing there just grinning at her like an idiot.
“Waiting for you to answer the question luv. Plus we have company.”
“What?”
He inclined his head towards the end of the alleyway. Buffy turned to see her students standing apprehensively. She was relieved that they all seemed to be intact.
“Are you all right Buffy?” One of them called.
“Oh the master slayer is fine.” Spike shouted back, never taking his eyes off her. “She’s very adept at handling me.”
Buffy could feel the blush starting at her toes and finishing about two feet above her head. Why did he have to do that to her. Thank goodness it was dark.
“You girls go ahead. I’ll catch up with you.” She watched them walk away muttering.
“They’re wondering why you haven’t staked me already.”
“How…?”
“Enhanced Vampire lug’oles remember?”
Buffy smiled. “I’m asking myself the same question.”
“Well?” He asked eventually.
“Well what?”
Spike rolled his eyes dramatically. “What does it all mean? You have stood there with the ranting and raving and punching, but you haven’t actually even said you bloody missed me! Give a fella a break here!”
Buffy steadied her gaze, focussing on those ice blue orbs. “Spike.” She took a deep breath. “I did not miss you. To say I missed you does not even begin to describe the enormous Spike shaped hole that I have in my life. What it all means is that I love you, totally and completely with every part of me. I need you. I am still not ready for you not to be there and I don’t think I ever will be. The question is now, do you still want me?”
“We…ll…” Spike could not resist, but the look of absolute horror on her face made him stop. He gently took her face in his hands.
“I told you before, I’ll always want you.”
Buffy almost collapsed with relief. “So there is no-one else?”
“Well I can’t say I’ve been a saint luv, but no, there is no-one else, there never will be. You’re the one Buffy.”
As his cool lips met hers Buffy felt like she had finally come home.
The thought occurred to her for the first time ever. 'I’m so glad I’m the one.'
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Post BtVS 7 & Angel 5