As Buffy sauntered into her quaint flat, a small smile graced her features. To any ‘normal’ person it looked like a typical college student’s refuge. There were pictures of friends and family covering tables and mantles, and books were strewn across the floor. It served as her sanctuary of peace and comfort against a world of harsh realities. It was the perfect semblance of normality for a woman who excelled at persevering.
~~
It has been almost two years since Buffy’s world had literally crumbled at her feet; the apocalypse to end them all. The First had decided to destroy the world, but of course the Slayer was there to prevent that from happening. Along with the Potentials, magick, and an amulet, the world remained intact. However, there was a key element that was gone in her world. Her soul mate, William the Bloody, had sacrificed himself to save the world. Yes she was proud of him and understood his reasons, but it still hurt.
Even a year after the Hellmouth was extinguished, she still mourned his death. Life just didn’t seem to be worth the effort. No matter what her friends did to convince her that she should move on with her life, she rejected them. Eventually after months of sleepless nights and rivers of tears, she had no more tears. Life called to her, and somewhere Buffy knew Spike was watching her. She knew he would not have approved of her behaviour; had always wanted her to been in light, living. After her epiphany she promised herself and Spike she would be a better person and keep living. From then on the days became easier, and her heart began to mend.
Buffy became a successful student at Oxford, and worked for the Council handling new Slayers. Since she now obtained a salary, she could pay for college and even owned a small flat. Life seemed to be righting itself, maybe the Powers That Be were finally repaying her for years of service.
Of course there were potholes in the road of life, but she was the Slayer, so it was all expected. The time came when Dawn grew up and moved to Rome. She turned into a blossoming Watcher-in-training, and didn’t need her sister hovering over her life anymore. Also Buffy couldn’t handle the thought of trying to form another relationship. After all of her wrecked relationships, Buffy had decided to just leave the boyfriend department closed for awhile. It was nice to just have time to be Buffy Summers, the woman, not just the Slayer.
The worst of these was the apocalypse in Los Angeles, where Angel had finally departed from her life forever. But his death paled in comparison to the fact that Spike had been there, and had yet again given up his existence to make sure the world saw another day. When she heard the news from Giles her world was, once again, destroyed. Spike had come back and hadn’t even called her once. She shut herself in her room and cried for a week. Buffy was angry at him, how dare he not come back to her. He had to know that she needed him, would welcome him back without a hesitation. A few days later she gave herself a mental kick and stopped thinking about him. She needed to just pretend that Spike has never come back, forget that he apparently didn’t want to be with her, and move on. She needed to return to the real world. So Buffy went back to class and returned to her job at the Council. When her friends gave their sympathies, she reassured them with a smile and promised it wasn’t going to bother her. It was done, and Spike was gone, again, this time it was forever.
~~
And now, three weeks later, life was finally returning back to normal. The new Slayers were adjusting well and the semester was coming to an end. With summer beckoning Buffy had gone into extreme study-mode, which earned her a few laughs from friends, to prepare herself to pass all of her exams. However that preparedness was, at the moment, causing her shoulder to ache. With a groan she dropped her heavy bag onto the ground and went to fix a cup of coffee. She was going to need the caffeine to study for her English Literature exam.
‘Stupid Shakespeare. Thou art... very confusing.’
Buffy grabbed her bag and coffee and toted them into the living room. She dragged a coffee table littered with pens and papers over to her chair and relaxed. A long day, which was about to be followed by an even longer night, gave her the assurance that she deserved a few minutes to herself. She glanced at the small radio hiding her term paper and switched it on.
I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all,
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.
Cause you’re my,
my true love,
my whole hea-
Buffy quickly changed the station. The radio was supposed to provide her with sanity while she dove into Beowulf. Not remind her of things she needed to forget.
I should have found a way to tell you how I felt
Now the only one I’m tellin’ is myself
What do I do, what do I say
And no one else to blam-
She growled at the radio.
‘Evil technology.’ However, she needed some distraction so she gave the music another chance.
“‘Ello all you listeners, well looks like tonight we are gettin’ a new hit from across the pond. A new song from Avril Lavigne. Should be interestin’ enjoy.”
I always need time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
This was exactly what she was talking about. However, the woman’s voice tugged her into the song, even though her mind screamed against it. No good could come from this.
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you
‘It’s just a song Buffy. No deeper meaning whatsoever.’ She scoffed at her denial, but decided it had always helped, so she continued to go with it.
I’ve never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
Buffy’s mind flashed back to certain coat that sat in her closet. It was the one thing that remained of him.
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you
It had been almost two years since she’d seen him. All the dreams of his comeback returned to her mind.
‘I thought we were over this. Hello... remember when Spike came back, but didn’t call? What about moving on hmmm?’ Buffy knew she should turn the radio off this instant before she gave up on moving on. But somehow the song continued to fill her home, and then the memories flooded back in. At least for tonight she would remember him and let the emptiness return. Tomorrow Buffy would put her game face on, but for now there was just her and Spike’s absence.
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah, yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe
I need to feel you here with me
Yeah
Spike had returned to reality, wasn’t just a pile of dust. Why hadn’t he returned to her? He promised he would never leave her. At least after the Hellmouth incident she felt like he was there watching over her. But the LA apocalypse... he really had left her. Tears fell down her face onto her forgotten book. For the first time since it occurred Buffy let it all out. No more strong facade.
“Why did you leave me? You promised... you weren’t like the others.”
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you
Buffy her inner Slayer aside and allowed the hurt woman to take over. She had lost the one person she felt she could be weak around. Spike was always there to have her back. Then she had lost him, but in return still had a world to live in. Buffy had sacrificed herself for the world, thus allowing her to understood Spike’s motives, but it still didn’t matter. He had heard her express her love for him in those final moments. He tried to make it seem like it meant nothing, but she could see in his eyes that he understood. So why had he not come back?
As the song ended Buffy turned the radio off and went back into her room. She opened her closet in search on the one thing she had promised herself she would never look at. Spike’s duster. She dug through her closet and finally found it. She pulled it out from under piles of clothes and hugged it. It was the one piece of him that remained in her life. He had worn it to protect himself and so she tugged it on and sank to the ground. Buffy hugged herself and inhaled deeply. It still smelled like him, like he was still there. But he wasn’t, and she cried with all she had. Finally she released her anger and anguish out. Even though she thought it was over, Buffy still hid a piece of his death in her heart.
Suddenly a doorbell interrupted her emotional breakdown. Someone had decided they should bother her at this very moment.
‘Please. God, just go away.’ But as the ringing continued and she heaved herself up off the ground, tears and duster be damned. Whoever it was would just have to deal with it. She dragged herself to the door and ripped it open.
“What do you want?”
“Uh, hello. My name is Chris and I was wondering if you would be interested in purchasing vacation land out in Live-.”
“No. I don’t want anything. Goodbye.” Buffy slammed the door in salesman’s face and slumped to the ground. She looked up at the ceiling and cursed the Powers.
“You have people at my door now!? I was having an emotional episode. Can’t I have one once in awhile without being distur-.” Another person knocked at her door.
“Can’t you take a-.” All the air let her body. It couldn’t be.
He took in the appearance of her tear-filled expression and felt tears of anguish fill his own azure eyes.
“Buffy...”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry for the sickening Spuffyiness. " " means dialogue. ' ' means internal dialogue. Songs used are "Your Guardian Angel"- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. "Words I Couldn't Say"- Rascal Flatts. "When You're Gone"-Avril Lavigne