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Chapter 5: Color Blind

‘I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white’

She was soft… so soft…so right.

Her skin on his.

Bodies pressed so tightly together he could hardly breathe.

Her golden hair in his face.

Her legs surrounding him.

Taking him in.

Holding him tight.

Her perfect body moving in perfect unison with his.

‘Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready’

How could he have forgotten the way she tasted, the way she smelled? How could he have her now and let her go in the morning.

The answer was simple.

He couldn’t.

‘I am
Taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside’

‘I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.’ His inner voice screams.

Tears on his cheeks, in her hair.

‘You were supposed to come back for me! How could you? I loved you.’ His heart yells so loud, he is disappointed she can’t hear it. ‘I don’t want to be strong for you anymore! I want you to be strong for me! I NEED you to be strong for me!’

‘I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am fine’

‘Why do you do this to me?’ His soul cries.

“William what’s wrong?” She asks, she’s scared, she can’t handle him broken. She was always the broken one.

Deciding to ignore her he continues on with his movements. Pressing into her with all of his being. Trying to pretend that she was his to have. Trying to pretend that she stilled loved him.

Because she had loved him.

‘I am
Covered in skin
No one gets to come in’

And for tonight he would pretend that she still did.

“William….baby….shhhhh…don’t cry.” She was crying now and he kisses her tears.

‘Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding’

This was real. She was real. She was the only thing that mattered.

She was the only thing that ever mattered.

If she left him now he was convinced he would cease to be.

‘I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white’

~+~

“You don’t know anything about me!”

“I know everything about you!”

“No, you know nothing about me-”

‘Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am fine’

“It’s killing me inside because I know too much! So don’t tell me that I don’t know you because I do! I do know!-”

“No!”

“I know that you cry yourself to sleep and that you hate being alone.”

~+~

“William.” He couldn’t stop crying and neither could she, knowing that this might be the last time they were ever together, knowing that she would eventually have to leave.

She clung to him like a lifeline.

~+~

“I know that you hate scary movies and that you don't like tomatoes.”

~+~


She didn’t bother asking why he was upset again. She got it now. He had always been so easy to read, one of those people who wore their soul on their sleeve and prayed that it would stay intact.

~+~

“I know that your toes go numb when you cum and were 14 when you had your first kiss.”

~+~

She hated herself for using him like this. She hated herself for not being stronger, but she needed him, she had always needed him.

~+~

“I know that you have a different favorite color for every day of the week and that your favorite song is Just like Jesse James and you don’t know why”

~+~

She couldn’t remember feeling this way in a long time. Like he was her redemption and damnation and she was happy for it.

It was like they had never been apart.

~+~

“I know that you can’t stand The Beatles and you hate taking showers. I know that you love reading poetry and you keep a stash of trashy romance novels hidden in your closet. I know that you dream of a day when a white night will come sweep you off your feet and carry you away from all this… this bull shit.”

~+~

Closing his eyes tightly he got lost in her body.

Lost in the feel of her.

Lost in the essence of her.

~+~

“I know that you love me…even though you’d never admit it and I know you. I know you better than I know myself. Your all I ever want to know.”

~+~

And then they were spiraling out of control, lost in a world not of their own. The only thing they were conscious of was their desire to love and be loved.

*****

Buffy woke with a start, looking around she couldn’t help but smile at the man who was lying next to her. The night before had been earth shattering and just thinking about it she felt short of breath. She had to stop herself from reaching out to him. Getting out of bed as quietly as possible she grabbed her pajamas up off the floor and tip-toed back into the guest room.

Checking on the baby and than checking the clock on the night stand she saw that she had been in his room for a little less than 4 hours.

It was time to go. The last thing she wanted was to be there when he woke up.

She found the phone book in the kitchen and called for a cab..

She decided to shower when she got to her moms. She wanted to get out of his suite as quickly as possible she threw her stuff together and carried her suitcases to the door one by one, waking the baby up and putting her in her carrier last.

When everything was ready to go her suitcases loaded into the cab, baby carrier in hand, she stood at the door, some unforeseen force unrelenting and cruel, gluing her feet to the ground.

Tears came unbidden.

If it was possible this was even harder than leaving him the first time.

She rushed back into the bed room, needing to see him one last time, needing to touch him but stopped short when Emma started to fuss.

Not wanting the baby to wake him she rocked the carrier gently. The door closed with an imperceptible click as she walked out of his life once again.





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