Warren, Jonathan, and Andrew sat in their basement, half-heartedly playing “Dungeons and Dragons.” Andrew sighed loudly, before folding his arms, and sinking back into the couch.
“This is so boring! We should be doing some real evil…not just…board game evil!”
Warren nodded.
“You’re right you know.”
“I am?”
“Yeah. We should be out there, wreaking havoc on the Slayer and her Scoobie gang. Serious havoc. Look, I’ve been waiting for just the right opportunity to use this,” Warren said, pulling out a small piece of paper from his wallet, “and I think now’s as good a time as any. I found this spell on the internet a while ago.”
Andrew and Jonathan ‘oohed’ as Warren unfolded it.
“What does it do,” Andrew asked, his eyes comically bulging.
“Oh, not much,” Warren chuckled, “it just gives someone…leprosy!”
Jonathan shook his head.
“No, Warren, that’s too evil…that could spread and kill everyone…or…at least kill their limbs.”
“Who are we going to use it on,” Andrew asked, grinning.
Warren smiled and pulled out a modified “Dungeons and Dragons” die. Each side held a small image of one of Buffy’s Scoobie gang; from Buffy to Spike to Anya, everyone was accounted for. Andrew gasped in horror as he took the die from Warren’s hand.
“Hey! Why am I on here?”
“Oh…shit…well, sorry. I meant to take that off.”
“Why was I on there in the first place?”
“Han.”
“What?”
“My Han Solo action figure? You broke his arm off.”
“That was, like, in the fifth grade, Warren! Let it go!”
“Yeah, well, Han can’t shoot anymore, so, you’re on the die.”
“Oh that is so not cool…but, if I’m on there, I at least get to roll.”
“Be my guest.”
“If it comes up as me, I’m rolling again.”
Andrew shook the die in his clammy hand, praying silently to be spared, before casting it onto the table. The Trio laughed in unison, and Warren loudly read from the paper.
“Ixtha lepus Xander Harris! Ixtha lepus Xander Harris!”
--
“Pet…Buffy…Oi! Get back here,”
Spike said, pulling Buffy back down into bed with him. She rolled her eyes, sighed, and started to stand up again.
“No, I have to go. This is…this is just sick is what it is.”
“Mmm…love it when you talk dirty, pet.”
Spike sat her back down on the bed, and nuzzled into her neck, slipping a cold hand underneath her flimsy tank top. She moaned, biting her lip.
“Sick…sick…sick…sick…uh!”
Spike pulled Buffy’s panties to the side and thrust into her.
Mmmm…God bless whoever thought up mini-skirts.
He chuckled inwardly as he watched her face contort in ecstasy with every deep thrust.
An hour later, Buffy climbed off of Spike, again. Straightening her skirt, she stood up. He raised an eyebrow at her.
“Now, where do you think you’re running off to, pet?”
As Buffy opened her mouth to respond, he pulled her back down onto the bed.
--
Anya rolled over languidly; her eyes still shut, and switched off the alarm clock. She shook Xander’s shoulders instinctively. When he didn’t wake up, she sighed, and blinked the sleep out of her eyes. Dogs in the surrounding tri-county area ran for shelter as Anya’s high-pitched scream left her lips. Xander jumped out of bed to save his beloved, who was standing on a chair, staring at him in horror. He looked up at her.
“What is it sweetie?”
“No…no…no…get away from me…you…you’ll give your nasty curse to me…get away you nasty floppy-eared freak!”
“What?”
Anya pointed to a mirror, angrily.
“Xander, if this is some kind of a joke, I’ll kill you.”
“Honey, come here,” he said, holding his furry arms out to her.
Wait…furry? My arms aren’t furry…what the….
Xander’s fuzzy arms shook in fear and he hopped over to the mirror. He was greeted by his reflection…his giant, gray, rabbit reflection. He screamed in terror at himself, his buckteeth shining in the morning light, before hopping, frantically, about the bedroom. Anya took advantage of his distraction, and ran into the living room closet; locking the door behind her. When Xander had ceased hopping in circles, he noticed Anya was gone, and hopped into the living room.
“Anya?”
“Go away,” she called from the closet.
“Anya, honey, come out here…please…and help me!”
“No.”
“No?”
“No…I can’t. You’re a…you’re a,” her voice shook in agony, “…a bunny.”
“Honey, what about ‘for better or worse?’”
“We aren’t married yet. And I won’t marry a bunny! Go away!”
“Anya…pookie…come on….”
Anya burst out of the closet, holding a cattle prod. Xander hopped back.
“Anya, honey, where did you…YOWWW!!!”
Anya zapped him with the cattle prod, and he hopped backwards. She sighed in relief.
“Okay, I can do this. Hey…bunny. We’re going over to Buffy’s. I don’t want to talk to you, got it? I’ll never be able to have sex with Xander again if all I can think about is…bunnies. You will walk four feet ahead of me to my car, and then you will climb into the trunk. And if you try any funny business, it’s zappy time for you. Now, move it, flopsy.”
Xander hopped, dejectedly, toward the door.
“But, what if someone rear-ends us?”
“Then there’ll be one less bunny in the world. Now shut it and hop.”
Xander moaned as he hopped out of the door, receiving startled looks from his neighbors and quick zaps from the cattle prod when he fell behind.
--
Bunny Xander sat on Buffy’s couch, munching on a carrot. Dawn sat next to him, petting his head.
“Xander, you’re so soft!”
“Thanks, Dawnie. At least someone here appreciates me,” he said, staring at Anya.
Anya looked over at the cattle prod that Giles had yanked from her when they entered Buffy’s house.
“I’ll knock Giles over and use that thing…bunny. So I’d watch it if I were you.”
Xander’s resolution fell, and he returned to eating his fibrous treat, his nose twitching in frustration. Buffy burst into the house, her hair disheveled, and a few splotchy red marks on her neck. Giles raised an eyebrow at her.
“Buffy, is everything alright?”
“Oh, yeah, Giles, everything is….” Buffy trailed off as she stared, mouth agape, at Xander. “Ohhhh my God. Xander?”
Xander’s tail flicked happily as Buffy stared at him.
“Heyyyy, Buffster. Like the new me?”
“It’s…nice. Don’t get fur on my couch. Giles…what….”
Giles took his glasses off, and began to clean them on his coat.
“I have no idea, Buffy.”
“It somehow reeks of the Trio.”
Anya nodded.
“Just like those little virgin punks to try and mess up someone else’s sex life.”
“I’ll hop on over there,” Buffy said, smirking at Xander.
“Thanks Buffy,” Xander said, his tail again flicking happily.
“Shut up floppy,” Anya bellowed, reaching for the cattle prod.
Giles smacked her hand away.
“The sooner you find out, Buffy, the better.”
--
The moment the sun set, Spike guided Buffy into the Trio’s “den.” The Trio sat around the same table, locked in a game of “Dungeons and Dragons,” oblivious to the entry of their “nemesis.”
“Thanks, Spike,” she whispered.
“No problem, pet.”
“So, guys, what the hell did you do to Xander?”
Three heads snapped up, and Andrew dropped his game piece on the cold floor.
“Oh…shit…the Slayer!”
“And a vampire, mate,” Spike corrected.
“Right…scared, really,” Andrew said, muttering, “a chipped vampire,” under his breath.
“Oi! Buffy, pet, on with the beatings then?”
Buffy nodded and grabbed Warren by the collar, pushing him up against the wall.
“What did you do to Xander?”
Warren, though frightened, laughed manically.
“Why, are his arms and legs shriveling off yet?”
“No…he’s a bunny.”
Warren's face fell into a frown.
“What?”
Buffy dropped Warren to the floor, and stood by Spike.
“He’s a rabbit. A bunny. Hippity hoppity.”
Andrew’s eyes flashed with mirth.
“You turned him into a bunny, Warren?”
Buffy rolled her eyes.
“Yeah. You guys are really scary.”
“But it was supposed to,” Warren trailed off. “It was supposed to give him leprosy.”
He pulled the spell back out of his wallet, and stared at it. Spike snatched it out of his hands, and chuckled.
“Didn’t you ever take Latin, mate? No? Biology? Constellations, even? Geez, you Americans are so deprived. Lepus…the hare? Right by Orion?”
Spike’s answer came in four blank stares. Buffy shrugged.
“I don’t really know either, Spike.”
He sighed.
“You remember the movie, ‘Night of the Lepus,’ blokes?”
Jonathan nodded feverously.
“1972 with Janet Leigh…giant, mutant rabbits terrorize the southwest…oh…shit.”
“Yeah. Not leprosy. Bunny…sy.”
Warren nodded.
“Well, fine, then. You’d better thank God that my plan didn’t work this time, Slayer. Next time, you won’t be so lucky! Non lepus Harris! Non lepus Harris!”
“Whatever,” Buffy said, offhandedly, as she and Spike walked out of the basement.
Spike brushed against her as they walked back toward her home.
“What are you thinking, pet?”
“I don’t know what I’d do without you….”
“Oh, the three dorks put the fear of God in you, Slayer?”
“No, I just…thanks.”
“Welcome.”
Buffy’s hand lightly brushed against Spike’s, and latched onto it until they arrived at her house.
“Well, I’m going to go in and check on everyone before I patrol. You wanna….”
“I’ll wait for you in my crypt, pet.”
“ ‘kay.”
After looking around and surveying that no one was watching, Buffy kissed Spike softly on his cheek.
“See ya.”
--
Xander sat in the shower, his skin pruny and clammy.
“Anya, honey, please…I’m clean enough!”
“No…not until we get all of the rabbit off of you!”
Anya scrubbed Xander with a loofah attached to a long, wooden stick for another hour and a half before she allowed him to leave the bathroom. He resigned himself to the couch over the next few days, until Anya was satisfied that the “bunny” germs had truly left his body.
--
The End!
--
In response to challenge #346 from Open hearts catch dreams: "Write a oneshot that centres around Anya's hilarious fear of bunnies. Xander has to get turned into a rabbit and Anya discovers him in the morning. This is meant to be light and funny!
Must haves:
1. Anya having to take the rabbit to Buffy's house where everyone else is.
2. Xander remembering everything that happens to him and he must be able to talk.
3. Xander shouldn't realise immediately he had been turned into a rabbit.
4. The trio are responsible for Xander's transformation (something going wrong...?)
5. Spuffy - not dark and angsty!(We all know she loves him really)
Can haves:
1. Xander getting shut in the microwave.
2. Dawn feeding him bacon
Can't have:
1. Anya getting over bunnies
2. Xander hating Spike completely
3. Character bashing"
Author's Chapter Notes:
Full challenge is at the end of the story.
Italics=internal monologue.
Italics=internal monologue.