Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey guys! -does giddy dance- First SR post :-D I'm like uber excited, sorry, lol. This was just kind of a story I got the urge to write just on a whim. The rest of the chapters are in the oven, and hopefully I'll be able to post every couple days. Just be warned, it's not beta'd. Any concrit you guys would be willing to give me is *very* much appreciated. :) Enjoy!
Bruises and cuts.  Swelling.  Blood.  It was all she could see.  Faintly, she heard a woman shouting desperately, harsh words meant to cut deeper than the blows that landed on his face.  Over and over again she heard the crack of fist meeting bone.  It was endless, brutal.  She felt the warmth of her own tears streaking down her face from the pain she was feeling, and the pain she knew she was causing. 

 

Just when it seemed that it would never end, she felt herself stop.  Letting her fists fall to his chest, she took in the face she had broken.  He had long since changed back into his human face, showing her exactly how much damage she’d done.  She shook her head in disbelief, causing more tears to fall.  Quiet whimpers escaped her mouth.  She heard him say something, his normally deep, velvet voice sounding strained and weak to her ears.  She had to get away from him… from what she’d done.  Pushing herself up, her eyes focused on him as she backed away. 

 

When she finally broke her gaze and turned around to walk properly, she ran into someone.  Rearing back, she looked into his blue eyes in surprise.  His face was clear, unharmed by her angry beating.  When she tried to back away from him again, he grabbed her upper arms, holding her firmly in place. 

 

“You can’t run away from this anymore,” he spoke calmly. 

 

After a moment, she responded hesitantly, “From what?”

 

His only response was to smile, running his hands up and down her arms.   One finally slid up to her cheek to pull her in for a soft, but breathtaking kiss.  She sighed, allowing the contact, needing it.  When he pulled away, her forehead touched his, letting herself feel his love for a moment.  As she felt her heart warming, a small smile slid across her lips.  She continued to bask in these forbidden emotions until she felt a wetness fall slowly down her face.  Pulling away in confusion, she brought her hand to her face to touch the liquid, bringing it back around to her gaze. 

 

“Blood?” she said in confusion, looking back up to his face.  What she saw made her gasp and jump back.   The wounds she’d inflicted were back, only they were even worse than before.  “No…” she whispered, shaking her head.  She looked at the ground, revulsion toward the sight of his face making it hard to her to even glance at him.  When she heard him let out a mirthless chuckle though, she slowly looked back up.  He stopped smiling when their eyes met, and grew serious, gazing at her with all the intensity she knew him to have.  He touched his face, and brought his bloody hand to grasp hers firmly.  Pulling her now blood covered hand away, she stared in horror as he spoke.

 

“You always hurt the one you love, pet.”

 

Buffy shot straight up in bed, breathing raggedly.  She put a hand to her chest, and then to her face, feeling the wetness of the real tears she’d shed in the night.  “Oh, Spike…” she whispered quietly, remembering her dream.  Wiping her face, and taking one last deep breath, she got out of bed, knowing what she had to do. 

 

~*~*~*~

 

You can do this, Buffy.  You can do this.   Taking a deep breath that did nothing for her nerves, she rapped her knuckles lightly on the door.  Her inner mantra had been on repeat since she’d left her house, intent on finding Spike, and making sure he was okay.  She owed him an apology.  Of course, she knew she couldn’t make things better with a couple sincere words.  She just had no idea how she could possibly earn his forgiveness for what she’d done to him.  His door swung open, cutting off her thoughts.

 

For a moment, neither said anything.  Buffy took in his appearance, noticing with some relief that he looked much better.  His right eye was still swollen, but the gash on his cheek had closed.  When she realized he was speaking, she focused on his voice.

 

“Buffy.  Wasn’t expecting it to be you,” he casually leaned against the doorway, folding his arms across his chest.

 

“Were you expecting someone else?” She tried to keep any hint of jealousy out of her voice.  If he caught it, he didn’t show it.  He stood back up, turning away from her, walking back into his home.

 

“No, it’s just the first time you’ve ever knocked,” he said in a tone that could have been teasing had the tension not been so thick.  When she didn’t respond, he stopped at a sarcophagus, looking at her form expectantly.  “Was there something in particular you were wanting, love?  I know my face isn’t so pretty tonight, but other parts of me are working just fine,” he smirked.

 

At that, Buffy stiffened.  “No.  I’m not here for that.  I just…” she stopped talking for a moment, and watched his smirk fall to a frown.  She finally stepped into his crypt, making her way over to the green chair, keeping her distance.  Not looking at him, she asked, “How are you feeling?”

 

“Pummeled,” he responded dryly, and she winced, not going unnoticed by Spike.  “’M sorry, love.  I feel better.  I’ve had a lot worse.”

 

“I know,” she whispered softly, finally looking up at him, showing him the unshed tears in her eyes.  “I’m sorry, Spike.  I know that doesn’t make up for it, but…”

 

Spike made his way over to her slowly as she continued.  “I just got so caught up in everything that happened.  I guess I let the anger get the best of me, and then everything you said…”

 

When she said that, he stopped and abruptly cut her off.  “Oh save it, Buffy.   We both know you weren’t beating me up because of anything I did,” he said, giving her a sad, but knowing look.  When she returned it with a confused one, he elaborated.  “You’re angry.  You hate this world, hate that you were torn from the one place you ever felt any peace.  But knowing that your friends want you to be someone you can’t be anymore makes you hate yourself.  You’re angry at yourself for failing them, and for feeling the way you do.”

 

“And I suppose you know how I feel?” she asked indignantly, forgetting her guilt for a moment.

 

Spike looked at her with honest eyes, taking slow steps toward her.  “Dirty.  Evil.  You think you’re a monster, Buffy.  You can’t be who you were, and your friends won’t accept who you are.  You feel like you’re nothing because you’re not either or.  You can whack me back and forth all you like, but you can’t fool me.  I know as well as you do that every word you spat at me last night was just a fabrication of how you feel about yourself .”

 

By the time he stopped talking, he’d made it all the way over to her place by the chair, to the point where his face was inches away from hers.  Not once did he break eye contact with her, determined to make her finally see what she was putting herself through.  The silence as he waited for her to react to his words was deafening to him, but he refused to back down.  He could see the emotions warring in her eyes; anger, defiance, confusion, sadness, and finally, belief. 

 

The second his words truly sunk in, he saw her walls crumble.  Tears flooded her eyes, and a sob wretched through her body as she collapsed.  He caught her in time before she hit the ground, and slowly, he brought her to the floor, holding her tightly to his body.  She didn’t even seem to notice his hold on her, though, as he whispered softly to her and ran his fingers through her hair.  Her sobs were more like screams to his sensitive ears, but he only winced for knowing how broken she must be inside. 

 

She needed this, he told himself.  The pain she was going through was tearing her apart, and he’d feared if she didn’t let it out soon, it’d kill her.  As much as it hurt him to see her like this, he could only hope that it was a step toward her feeling better, toward her finding some semblance of peace in the world she’d been forced back into.

 

He knew he could only do so much for her, but he was resolute in doing every single thing in his power to make sure she got through it.  For now, though, he could only hold her.  And so he did, for the rest of the night.

~*~*~*~

A/N: Thanks for reading! I'd love to know what you thought... -hint, hint- ; )





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