I didn't know how to love you. I see it now, the memories running through my mind like sand through fingers. I see every moment I spent with you, more precious than anything, and I cringe. I see my mistakes and faults. The things I should've said and didn't, the things I did and shouldn't have. It was no wonder you threw my love in my face, unable to see it for what it really was. The answer is so simple now, I didn't know how to love you.
My whole existence has been a study in mediocrity. My life was less than remarkable, and my death, while bloody, was always spent riding the coat tails of someone else. Over a hundred years old, and I have no idea who I am, what part I play, which piece I fit into. You called me lost once, and I only realize now how right you were. I was drowning in the confusion, in uncertainty. For the first time in my life, and un-life, I had to forge my own way, make something out of myself and I did it the only way I knew how, by changing myself. Hiding who I knew was hiding underneath the duster and the bleached hair and the scarred eyebrow, the man I had once been. I saw him as pitiful, unworthy of anything, least of all love. And I couldn't bear to offer up that lonely, sad part of myself to anyone, not even the women I loved.
So, I changed. For Cecily, I died, For Dru, I killed, and I couldn't understand why you didn't want any of that. I had made myself into this monster, this hard piece of hate and fear, to fit into what they wanted, the girls before you and for the unlife of me, I had no idea why you didn't want the same things they did. I was angry then, hating you at the same time that I loved you, and I vowed that I would never be love's bitch again, I wouldn't change for you, I would make you change for me. I tried to draw you into the dark with me, turn you into something that could love me. Because I knew I was dark, that I was wrong, and it seemed like the only way to make you love me was to make you dark and wrong too.
I was an idiot, of course, judging you by the standards of the other, lesser women who passed before you, leaving a painful, rotten scar on my unbeating heart, but it was all I knew. It was the air I breathed, and the blood that rushed through my veins, making up for the things that were missing. But, too late, I realized that this hate, this fear that had taken the place of my blood and breath were the reasons why I could never have you. You didn't deserve death and fear and anger, you deserved sunshine and happiness and love, all the things that my mutilated heart couldn't bear to give, for fear of being mangled once again. So, I left, the only thing I could think of to do. I left and went to make the final, irreversible, unthinkable change.
For Cecily, I died, for Dru, I killed and for you, I lived. I captured that last waning spark of my human existence, the last crumb that would return me to the man I was before any of this happened, the man I had once hated, and the man, I knew, you might, in time, be able to love. There was no other thought in my mind, in between the trials attaining my soul, and the trials afterwards, that this was for you. I could handle anything the world threw at me, as long as you would look at me one day with something resembling acceptance. The scars will fade, I told myself, the scars and the burns and the shattered bones will all heal, because it has to, I owed it to you to come out of this alive and see for once in your life, someone was willing to sacrifice something for you, that someone was willing to cross through the scalding fires of hell just so that you could be happy.
It wasn't easy. Going through the process of getting the soul, or the readjustment to life afterwards. I had struggled against the man I once was for so long. Seeing him as inadequate, pathetic, a lonely, stupid fool that was worth nothing more than a life of mediocrity. But for you, I tried to find him again, tried to understand what made him feel, what made him the man he was, the man that came before the monster. It wasn't easy, of course, what in life is? But I knew that I had to do it, not only for you but for me as well. I knew that you couldn't love the monster, and some part of me wondered if you could ever love the man.
I never regretted it though. I know you wondered, tried to see if I wished I could take it back, but I never regretted it. It was worth it, the pain, the misery, the insanity, it was all worth it. Because for the first time in our long and tangled relationship you would look at me and you would glow, for me. I would see you smile or laugh or even just look at me and I could see the sunshine in your eyes. I have been deprived of the true sun for a century, but I would see you smile and it was all the sunshine I could ever need. You knew, you understood, you finally began to see me for the man I was trying so hard to be, you glowed, for me and it was everything I could have ever asked for.
For Cecily, I died, for Dru, I killed and for you I lived, and die again. I sacrifice every instance of myself, the man, the monster, and everything in between. It has all been yours for so long, it doesn't even feel like a sacrifice, for once I feel right, I feel whole, this is what is meant for me. The only thing I grieve for is that I can never see you again, never see you laugh, or smile, or dance. But even that is not too big a sacrifice, because this, this immolation, will let you do those things, it will let you live. So I regret none of this, this baptism of fire, because through my death, you can live, finally. I've finally figured out how to love you.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Yes, I know, another interior monologue, but what can I say? My muse won't stop until I give in and write, and this is what my muse wanted this time. Hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think