Disclaimer- All BTVS characters and such belong to Joss. The song belongs to…Kelly Clarkson I suppose…or whoever wrote it.
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It’s like you’re a drug
It’s like you’re a demon I can’t face down
It’s like I’m stuck
It’s like I’m running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It’s like the only company I seek, is misery all around
It’s days like today when I doubt my humanity the most. It’s been hard for me ever since I came back from the dead. Most days I feel out of place in this world. Everything is harsh and violent…including me. The only thing that even gets me through most days is him. That’s why I find myself in this portion of the graveyard nearly every night.
Sex…with Spike. A vampire without a soul is my source of comfort. How insane is that? And it’s addicting, god is it addicting.
It’s like you’re a leech
Sucking the life from me
It’s like I can’t breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I’m never gonna quit you over time
I like to kid myself into thinking that I can stop anytime I want. Just one more time, that’s what I tell myself. But the truth is…I don’t want to stop. These days it seems like the only time I can feel anything is when he’s inside me. When we fight I can feel my adrenaline rushing and know it’s only the beginning. I know to most people it’s probably sick to beat the hell out of each other before screwing like bunnies, but we’re not most people. We relate differently. Sometimes I think he’s right about us being animals.
I want to pretend that I’ve changed; that I’m not the same old Buffy. It’s easier that way. Tara told me I’m still me, but old me would never do these things. Old Buffy would probably die if she knew this would happen. She would never understand. I'm not even sure I understand. I try to fight it, but I'm not strong enough for that. I do feel like I'm losing myself, but there’s a big part of me that just doesn’t care.
It’s like I’m lost
It’s like I’m giving up slowly
It’s like you’re a ghost that’s haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head are mine alone
And I know I’ll never change my ways
If I don’t give you up now
I know I have to let him go. I can’t love him. The funny thing is that I don’t really trust him. I have faith that he won’t kill me in my post orgasmic sleep, and I do trust him with the lives of my friends and Dawn. I guess I just know he won’t hurt them. Or can’t. If he didn’t have the chip in his head I have no doubt he would start killing people again.
And yet here I am; staring at the door to the crypt. He knows I’m here. We can feel each other. The door opens and he steps aside to let me in. No words are spoken today. He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around my waist.
I moan as he trails kisses down my throat. He sucks lightly on the pressure point where I know he can feel my blood pumping. I wonder if he would bite me if I told him to.
He slips my jacket off and it falls to the ground. His hands find their way under my shirt. He caresses the skin of my lower abdomen. I let out more pleasurable sounds as his hand reaches my breasts. He runs his hands over my nipples causing them to harden almost instantly. How he can make me feel on fire with a simple touch is beyond me.
Another minute and my shirt has been discarded as well. His lips are making their way down my collar bone and my eyelids flutter shut. He breaks contact and strips me of my shirt. His hands then return to my body and he lowers the straps of my bra. My chest is now bare to him.
I turn to face him. He presses his lips to mine, and our tongues begin their battle. I break for a breath and take the time to pull his shirt over his head. As he continues to kiss me, we move backwards until we hit the couch. Apparently, we are not going to make it downstairs tonight.
He begins kissing down my neck, chest, and stomach. When he reaches the waste of my pants he stops and unbuttons them. He pulls them down to my feet and after taking off my shoes, removes the jeans. My underwear is next. His lips trail up my thighs, but he skips the aching spot in between my legs. I notice that he has removed his own jeans and I can feel his erection pressing against me. He teases me a moment longer, once again nipping on my neck.
He finally enters me and I can’t contain my pleasure. We begin to move, our bodies fitting too well together. Time passes and I'm not sure how late it is as his thrusting makes it harder and harder to think. A part of me wishes he wasn’t so good at sex. That would make all of this a lot simpler.
I’m hooked on you
I need a fix
I can’t take it
Just one more hit
I promise
I can deal with it
I’ll handle it
Quit it
Just one time
Then that’s it
Just a little bit more
To get me through this
I feel the orgasm wash over me and for a moment my whole body feels deliciously numb. He continues to move against me for a moment longer. I kiss him again before he rolls off of me. We’re still close on the small sofa, and I'm afraid he’ll try to talk with me. Having sex is one thing, but talking about it…that makes it seem like more, and I can’t let that happen.
I move away from him, making up some excuse about Dawn needing me at home. I know he doesn’t believe me, but he doesn’t fight me on it.
“Off you go,” he says.
It’s like I can’t breathe
It’s like I can’t see anything
Nothing but you
I’m addicted to you
It’s like I can’t think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
As I close the door of the crypt behind me I know this won’t be the last time I come here. It feels too good to stop. I'm addicted to him and the way he makes my body feel. And at least for now, there’s nothing I can do.
You’ve taken over me
It’s like I’m not me
It’s like I’m not me
Author's Chapter Notes:
Just something a little different than what I usually write. I was listening to the song and got inspired. It’s not at all fluffy…more like angtsy. Let me know what you think about it.