Author's Chapter Notes:
My first attempt to write...feedback is very welcomed
Thanks to my friend on youtube for the great Support.....this fiction is dedicated to my nice friend Bridget for being so supportive and checking my language :D
The front door opened slowly and Spike entered, he knew Buffy was alone in the house but still he was very quiet. He didn't look for her... he was heading directly to the second floor but stopped at the bottom of the stairs not knowing what he was going to say to her, all he knew is that Dawn said Buffy was hurt because of what he did and he couldn't let that be. He had to work things out with her and now was his best chance. He took off his duster as if with it he was taking off all his defenses, his powers, his bravado. He didn't need to be 'William the bloody' or ' the slayer of slayers' not even 'Spike' or any of his earned titles. Right now, he needed her to see him as a man. For the first time in over a hundred years -maybe in his entire existence- he wanted to be just William.
He hung the duster on the stair rail and headed up...he reached the top of the stairs and walked straight towards the bathroom, he stood outside and listened carefully...he heard the water start and smiled...she was there... he found her like always. It wasn't her scent...or the sound of the water. It had nothing to do with his vampire senses. He just knew she was there...he always finds her... even when he is not looking for her...somehow they always end up in the same place at the same time.
At first, he thought she was following him. Hunting him. But now he knows she wasn't. They just seem to be pulled to each other. Connected to each other...as if they were meant to be together.
Spike swallowed hard and pushed these thoughts to the back of his head wishing he could find a way to erase them completely...she will never look at him this way.
He stepped into the bathroom and saw Buffy leaning on the sink, wearing her bathrobe. she looked tired and his whole being ached at the thought that she was hurting...he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and comfort her...make her forget all her pain...of course he couldn't do that...she won't let him touch her. He tried not to sound too concerned as he said "Are you're hurt?...you're not moving so well!"
"Get out." Buffy said without looking at him.
"We need to talk." He said with determination.
"I really don't." She said as she was turning to face him.
"This isn't just about you...as much as you'd like it to be" he closed the door behind him but didn't get any closer to her.
"You spoke...I listened...now leave" she was talking to him as if he was unworthy of her time. But he ignored his pain...he wanted to work things out with her...and he will.
"I'm sorry." he said in a soft and honest voice, his demon screamed inside him...he shouldn't be apologizing to her...she's the one who broke up with him saying she can't love him and if she's hurting now, that's her fault.
But these protests never been said out loud because William was taking over now...he pushed his demon inside and continued, "not that it mattered anymore...but I needed you to know that."
"Why?!" Buffy spoke softly as she seemed a little touched by his sincere apology.
Hope rose in his dead heart as he said, "Because I care about you."
"Than you might want to try the not sleeping with my friends." She said with a bit of anger and hurt rising in her voice.
He didn't know what she wanted anymore and he guessed she didn't either; she doesn't want to be with him and told him to move on...Yet when he does, she is angry and hurt!!
"I didn't go to Anya for that...I was looking for a spell."
A look of shock and disgust covered her face as she shouted in disbelief, "You were going to use a spell on me?!!"
"It wasn't for you." He said quickly despite the pain he felt from her accusation, "I wanted something...anything to make this feeling stop. I just wanted it to stop."
He felt weak...very weak... He suddenly needed his duster to shield him...to hide his weakness from her. To protect him from those green eyes regarding him with no sign of softness
"You should have let him kill me." He said softly.
"I couldn't do that." Hope rose inside him again by her words.
"Why?!" He asked, narrowing his eyes on her trying to read her thoughts.
"You know why.”
"Because you love me…” He said with hopeful voice.
"No, I don't.” Buffy said while turning her back to him again and busying herself with checking the water heat. She was avoiding looking him in the eyes.
"Why do you keep lying to yourself?!!" He didn't believe her denial...how can all those feelings that are burning inside him be without an answer!
"How many times...?" Buffy started but stopped as if she was trying to find better words for what she was about to say.
"I have feelings for you...I do...but it's not love. I can never trust you enough for them to be love."
"Why?!" Spike asked with so much hurt and anger boiling inside him...he couldn't believe her...not after everything he'd done...not after she trusted him with her sister's life "What reason have I given you not to trust me?!"
He moved a little closer as he continued, "Ever since I fell in love with you, all I ever did was trying to make you trust me...” His emotions felt like a hurricane as he tried to contain them.
"I've been honest and loyal to you even when you were dead...I took care of your sister and your friends just because I promised you...so tell me, Buffy” He couldn't stop his voice from shaking a little as he asked, "What does it take?!"
Buffy didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say, she knew she abused him. And that he was hurt but the only way to get him to leave her alone right now was by hurting him even more, and she didn't want that.
"Spike..." she started with a soft voice trying to calm things down...but she was cut off by his still angry but less louder voice "A curse is it?!" Buffy's eyes widened in shock, as she knew exactly what he was talking about, "Does it take a curse to trust me?" Spike asked again as Buffy regarded him with a look that could kill. Her voice was cold as ice as she said, "Don't you dare...” He continued ignoring her warning and the look on her face "It's not enough to change. To give up everything I was and try to be what you would want...I have to be cursed for you to love Me."
"SHUT UP..." Buffy yelled at him as her anger reached the top, "It doesn't take a curse...it takes a soul. And don't play that game with me now. You didn't change because you loved me. you just wanted me to sleep with you" She ignored the sad smile on his face as he shook his head in disbelief, "And now that I did...you want more!!"
"I love you, Buffy... hell yes, I want more!!"
"Well, you don't deserve more, Spike!" Buffy shouted at him not caring how hurt he looked...She just exploded finishing what she started, "To love is to give yourself completely to the person you love, body and soul...if I give you that, Spike...." She crossed her arms and said, "I get nothing in return but a body."
"I'M NOT BLOODY ANGELUS.” Spike yelled back at her. He wanted to grab her by the arms and shake her hard until she stops hiding from the truth.
"You know what, slayer…" He started after a moment of silence, "This is exactly why you don't want to believe that I really love you...because that would mean that your incredible ex-lover could've still loved you without his soul...it means that he could've loved you both as Angel and Angelus".
Buffy's eyes showed he hit his target perfectly, she was still trying to look uncaring about his words, but he knew her better than she thought.
"He just didn't love you enough." He continued, knowing that his words are hurting her. But he didn't care anymore...She was too blind to see the truth, and he will make her see it even if that meant hurting her.
He took a deep unneeded breath to straighten himself and say the last thing he had to say, "You know, when I asked Angelus how was it like to have a soul!" He looked deep into her eyes as he continued, "He told me it tortured him, it made him feel things he didn't want to feel...things like love and guilt...it made him care about people...he hated it."
Buffy was keeping a stony expression as he continued, "When I think of what he said now...I figure that's exactly what you do to me. You torture me both physically and emotionally, you make me feel things I didn't want to feel...things like love every time you smile at me... guilt when I couldn't save you...I care about people because you care about them."
At that point he felt he really needed to leave now...his whole body was shaking as he tried to fight the tears that welled in his eyes...he won't let her see him weak, not any more.
He turned to leave but stopped with his hand on the doorknob... his back still to Buffy and said, "I may not have the kind of soul Angel has...but I'm not soulless…” He took one more unneeded breath that failed to stop the tear that rolled from his eyes down his cheeks. He silently thanked God that she couldn't see his face and forced the last words out of his lips "You are my soul, Buffy!"

Spike stormed out of the bathroom all the way to the back door and out of the Summers' house, he didn't stop...didn't look
back...didn't know what was Buffy's reaction to his last words...didn't even care...one thought was playing in his mind as he left :
He must leave Sunnydale.
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Chapter End Notes:
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