Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Buffy stared at Spike, disbelieving, as he burned, their hands linked. He was dying, because of her. After all she had done for him… no, all he’d done for her. He had given her life again after she died. He had gotten his soul for her, even after all she’d done to him. He was dying… for her. After all she’d put him through, all he’d fought against.
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
She had never meant to treat him so cruelly, but she had been caught up in her own troubles, taking advantage of any and every action Spike did to make her suffering go away. And in doing so, she had missed him, had skimmed right over the hurt she caused, the way she trampled over his heart, because she couldn’t handle the realization that he truly loved her. And in doing so, she’d destroyed her own chance for love.
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
She’d tried. She’d really tried to do her best, to be fair and caring to him. To support him. To let herself give in; but she was scarred, and just in the habit of hurting him, and pushing him away. And he’d hurt her too, in her defense. Still, she knew she’d been wrong, she KNEW that she’d hurt him. Why couldn’t he just allow her the last moment, the last hope… Why did he say, “No you don’t” like that… like he had known this was coming?
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.
Buffy had started out sure of herself, and of what was right and wrong. She hadn’t thought that she had done anything wrong to Spike, the first time, or the one after, or the next one, and on and on… When she’d tried to really stop, she had again unwittingly done the wrong thing, been cruel to him in her own gain. Then, after the soul, she had tried to treat him differently. She’d never really managed it. The memory of both their actions had hung over them like storm clouds whenever they were in the same room. Though they both tried to get past their respective sins, they could never manage to heal the wounds they had inflicted on each other. But it was mostly Buffy’s fault. She had suffered less, at least as a result of his actions, and caused him more suffering. It was her fault; if she had managed to move on, he would have, at least somewhat. And because of all of this, now that she finally realized everything, now that she knew her own feelings, now that she was at peace with herself – now she was finally losing him. He’d stuck by her all the time she didn’t want or ask for him, all the times she needed him, but now that she really wanted him completely, without feeling guilty, she had driven him away. Forever.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Buffy fled, tears in her eyes. Spike didn’t want her to stay. He’d thoroughly driven home the point; he didn’t think she loved him. He didn’t, and wouldn’t ever believe her. But he didn’t want her to die, and no matter how romantic the idea, she couldn’t just give up. Not even if he had just broken her heart; not even though she had just realized how far she’d fallen, thanks to his redundant statement.
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Having escaped the crater that once was Sunnydale, no one seemed to understand her tears. They all asked her why she wasn’t rejoicing. Once she managed to choke out that they had lost people, she was told that there were a few casualties among the other Slayers, and the tragedy of Anya. But Spike wasn’t mentioned.
Disbelief in her eyes, Buffy told them about Spike. To her shock, not one of her friends seemed surprised or sad; finally they left her, one by one, glancing away and pretending not to see her, kneeling next to the crater, sobbing into her hands. Buffy finally understood that she was alone. None of them really knew her anymore. And she didn’t know them. And now, she knew that she never would again, not like she once had, not like they’d once known her.
Once again, her idiotic actions had ruined everything.
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]
Buffy knew what she’d done wrong, and she was reaping the consequences. She couldn’t get away from the consequences. But still – Spike’s final words haunted her, day and night. “No you don’t. But thanks for saying it.”
Even after she had – somewhat – restored her friendships, after she and Dawn had worked out – most of – their problems, they haunted her. It was just like Spike to say the one thing guaranteed to always haunt her, to blare out in her mind, like an ‘I told you so.’
He’d known how it would end, but he’d still forged on. He’d loved her anyway, despite everything. He’d loved her until she loved him back, until it was all ruined, until he was dying, until she had to live without him, with his words echoing in her mind…
I told you so.
