Title: My Favorite Spike
Author: Pattyanne
Summary: A little one act playlet
I did one night when I couldn't
sleep, just for fun. With all the
different incarnations of Spike
running around loose in my head,
I'm not sure which of them I love the
best.
**********************
Cast of characters:
Spike: Caught Between Two Lovers (CBTL)
William St. James: Acting The Part (ATP)
Spike Devlin: Blue Eyed Devil (BED)
William McAllister: Love's A Funny Thing (LAFT)
William Cathcart: Reflection of Love (ROL)
William Darlington: Sweet Sixteen (SS)
********************
(Curtain rises)
Spike (CBTL) is sitting in a beautifully furnished
waiting room. Door opens, and in walks Devlin.(BED)
Spike: What the hell are YOU doing here?
Devlin: Could ask you the same, I suppose. She's
doing me today.
Spike: Like hell, she is! I've been waiting over a
month!
Devlin: Can I help it if she likes me better?
Spike: You're dreaming, songboy. Go play with your
guitar.
Devlin: See, that's why she likes me better. You're
fucking rude!
(Door opens and in walks William St. James (ATP)
Spike and Devlin: (Glaring) What do YOU want?
St. James: Someone said she was doing me today.
Spike: Look, you're both mistaken. Get lost.
St. James: Up yours.
(They all three sit in hostile silence.)
Devlin: I'm her favorite, you know.
Spike: You been standing too close to those amplifiers,
mate. I'M her favorite. Everyone knows that.
St. James: Beg to differ. You seen the amount of
feedback she gets on me?
Spike: (Sneers) Whoopee shit. That just means people
like the story line, not that you're her favorite. And it's
not because of YOU, anyway. It's cause of the kid.
Devlin: I'd like to say one thing. 29, 366 hits at AFF. And
that's just at one site.
Spike: And your point?
Devlin: (Smugly) The numbers don't lie.
St. James: Well, don't get too comfortable in first place. I'm
not far behind.
Spike: How many hits YOU got?
St. James: 21,301. Just at one site. You?
Spike: 13,006. But after all, I'm a vamp. Can't get about
in the day.
Devlin: What's THAT got to do with it?
(The door opens and in walks William Darlington (SS)
Spike: Haven't seen YOU around for a while.
Darlington: (Shrugging) Writer's block.
Devlin: Who's THIS one?
Spike: From Sweet Sixteen. Coming of age thing.
Devlin: (Snickering) Robbing the cradle a bit, is she?
Darlington: What do you mean by that?
Devlin: You're just a kid.
Darlington: Not for much longer.
Spike: You mean you haven't....?
Darlington: Like I'd discuss that with YOU!
Devlin: (Knowingly) He hasn't.
(A light knock at the door.)
All the 'Spikes': WHAT?
(The door opens. William Cathcart (ROL)
sticks his head in.)
Cathcart: Oh, good evening. I'm not sure I'm in the right
place.
Spike: You've got to be joking.
Devlin: Look around the room.
St. James: See any familiar faces?
Cathcart: Is sarcasm really necessary?
Spike: Sometimes, yeah. Sit down and take a load
off, poet.
St. James: He's a poet?
Spike: You COULD call him that. If you were feeling
generous.
Cathcart: I BEG your pardon!?
Spike: He sucks. And not the way I do.
Cathcart: I suppose YOU could do better?
Spike: (Smirking) I could hardly do worse.
Cathcart: In that case, I challenge you, sir!
Spike: What, you mean NOW?
Cathcart: This instant.
Spike: Right, then. 'There was a young girl from
Nantucket, who'd rather chew....'
Cathcart: Never mind!
Spike: But there are three more stanzas.
Cathcart: Pray keep them to yourself. You are crude,
and coarse, and quite unacceptable in civilized society.
Spike: (To Devlin, sotto voce) I knew THIS one was a
mistake as soon as she started it. I mean, really, who in
the world would be interested in reading about some
Victorian mama's boy?
Cathcart: You must be the pedophile everyone's been
talking about.
Spike: Watch, it mate! She gets real pissed off when she
hears that kind of crap. Keep it up and you're liable to
find yourself in the abandoned storyline bin.
Cathcart: (Offended) She would NEVER do such a thing!
She's far too devoted to me.
Devlin: (Laughing) To YOU? You've got, what? Six
chapters? And you haven't 'DONE IT' yet?
Cathcart: Well, that's hardly MY fault, now is it? I
didn't ASK for a magic mirror!
(The door opens, and it's William McAllister (LAFT)
McAllister: I see I've come to the right place.
Devlin: What, ANOTHER one? Is she completely
off her rocker?
Spike: I"m starting to wonder.
St. James: Well, what's HIS story, anyway?
Spike: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Devlin: What's THAT mean?
Spike: Means she has a little too much free time on
her hands. (With a sly grin, he looks from one to the
other) So, um...how's the sex over in YOUR neck of the
woods?
Devlin: Fantastic! Hows about yours?
Spike: Best I've ever had.
St. James: Yeah, for me, too. It's amazing.
Cathcart: I'm sure it will be wonderfully tender, but
deeply passionate.
Darlington: I'm working on it, I'm working on it.
(They all look at McAllister for his contribution)
McAllister: Oh, I just got here.
Spike: No worries, mate. Our girl won't let you down.
St. James: Listen, I don't get it. She can't be doing
all of us today, right?
Spike: Right.
St. James: Then why did she bring us all here?
McAllister: I know that answer.
Darlington: How?
McAllister: She told me.
Devlin: Okay, then tell US. What's she planning on
doing with all of us at the same time?
McAllister: Research.
(Long pause)
All of them: Ohhhhhhhh.
(The door opens and in walks Wild Billy ** in
full cowboy regalia...including spurs)
Devlin: Oh, great. We may as well go home.
Spike: What the hell are YOU doing here? You're not
one of her's.
Wild Billy: Got loaned out for the day, on account of
my girl's a bit under the weather.
(On the other side of the room, a door opens to reveal
a receptionist with a perky smile)
Receptionist: She'll see you now.
Devlin: Which one of us?
Receptionist: ALL of you!
(Curtain down)
** (Wild Billy appears courtesy of Vamptastica, even
though I didn't actually tell her about it ahead of time)
