Chapter One


"Where is she?" Buffy's concerned eyes looked out the large window of their apartment, being careful to hold the heavy drapery close to her skin, causing only a miniscule amount of sunlight to splash on the floor. She didn't even think of it, didn't notice it for the kind thoughtful gesture it was. It was just simply a habit, born out of two years living with a creature of the night.

Spike yawned; a hand running through his rumbled bleached locks, as he walked from the small kitchen, mug of freshly warmed blood in his cold hand. "Bit'll be here soon. She knows the rules." He assured the blonde as she let go of the curtain and sat across from him at the small kitchen table.

It was a tiny table, seating only four at most, with a smooth oak surface and white painted legs. There was nothing really special about that table with matching chairs, but truth be known, it was his favorite thing in the apartment. It wasn't so much the table really as the times spent at it, rushed mornings of getting Dawn off to school followed by a quiet cup of coffee with Buffy as they either went over bills, or read the paper, or just simple sat quietly and enjoyed each others company. Lunch never meant much to him, Buffy was normally at her job, selling dresses and the like to impossibly thin women, and Dawn was at classes giving the vamp time to catch up on his beauty rest and tidy up a bit before the Summers's girls came home. But dinner was always an event, talking, giggling, and fighting over a home cooked meal, almost like a real family.

A family, he rarely let himself think of it, if the thought popped in his mind he would quickly dispel it as if afraid to jinx the happiness he had found. While it was true Buffy didn't return his affections, there were moments, tiny things that overwhelmed him with joy. Like this past Christmas when she had given him and autographed Sex Pistols poster already framed and matted to hang in his bedroom. Granted it was just a Christmas present but that she had taken the time to think of what he would like, that meant more than he could say.

Buffy sighed breaking the silence "It's just-" She stopped, she had no real reason to be worried, but still the dread washed over her. It wasn't the first time it had happened, no, the tidal wave of panic had struck many times since they had left Sunnydale, since they had created a whole new life in suburban Ohio. It was to be expected, Spike would tell her, that running from one crazy hell-bitch could make anyone a little skittish, but they were safe. And as much as Buffy hated to admit it, Spike had always been right. Still it didn't make the worry dissolve.

Spike took a long sip of crimson life before finally diving in. "Okay Summers, what's got you lookin' so blue?"

She shrugged her thin shoulder, her short cut hair brushing them. "I don't even know anymore. Just got to thinking..." She paused, hazel eyes meeting blue. Suddenly the irony of her life made her chuckle. Spike lifted an eyebrow at her outburst. "If someone had told me two years ago I would be living with you in a three bedroom apartment I would have recommend they go see Dr. Phil." She explained.

Spike smiled to himself. "Funny how life works out isn't it?"

"Hilarious."

He didn't know what to say to that, wasn't even sure how it was meant, two years under the same roof and he still couldn't always read her. So the blonde vampire stood, and stretched. "Well, I better get showered up a bit, Brownie's bound to be home soon, probably with one of her girly mates. I swear they travel in packs since..." He stopped letting the sentence fall off, ashamed mixing with guilt for having mentioned it.

"Since Ashley died." Buffy finished quietly. "I noticed." Then the soft hurt faded and she picked up Spike's empty mug, busing herself by loading dishes into the dishwasher, refusing to think of that young girl with green eyes that she was too late to save. "While you're in the shower, I'll go ahead and start dinner."

"You sure?" He questioned a bit surprised, Buffy wasn't much of a chef, and she knew it. "It's my night after all."

"Don't worry about it." She forced a meek smile as she closed the now loaded dishwasher and started it. "I need to something to distract me." Spike shifted his weight, still unsure, seeing his hesitation she added, "It's just pasta. I'll be fine. Now go."

As soon as she heard the familiar sound of the shower Buffy hurried back to the window. The sun was almost completely gone from the sky, leaving behind its pink and rainbow hues. Buffy frowned. She knew she was probably being foolish, but she couldn't help but think something wasn't right.


*****


"I told you so!" Buffy preached to Spike as he hastily opened the windows of the apartment, attempting to air out the smoke from the sauce that Buffy had let burn when she got distracted by Dawn's absence. "I told you that something was wrong! And you were all like 'Brownie knows the rules, she’s just out with her friends. Tra la la la.' And what was with that anyway?"

"With what?" Spike asked as he angrily slipped into his duster, flipping the collar down in an annoyed fashion.

"Calling her Brownie." Buffy replied; hands firmly planted on her hips.

"It's her name isn't it?" Spike answered distractedly as he searched through a small basket that they kept on the counter, eyes fighting for a glimpse of the silver keys among the bits of paper with phone numbers scribbled across them, Buffy's silver hope earrings, and Dawn's seemingly never ending supply of gum.

He didn't even think of his reply until Buffy stepped directly in front of him, her tiny body vibrating with anger. "It is not her name." She managed through clenched teeth, grounding out every word.

He rolled his eyes, attempting to reach past her to the now visible keys but she smacked his hand away. Spike stopped and sighed. "Shag me, Buffy! What do you want me to say? It's not fair. I know that and you know that. It's not fair that Dawn had to change her name, or that you can't say you're her sister. It's not fair that we have to do that damn veil spell every bloody full moon just to keep Red and her hocus pocus from finding us like they almost did last time. And I bloody hate being Will again but it's what we have to do to keep her safe." He softened as he watched tears filling her stormy eyes. "It's what we choose to do."

Sometimes he thought she might break, some days when he watched her crawl exhausted into bed after a long night of patrol only to wake up in the morning to start another day, packing Dawn lunch, putting on the coffee, starting a load of laundry. Once in awhile after she thought everyone to be asleep he could hear her cry, soft mewings of loss and sadness that seemed to pour endlessly from her. It was on those nights that he would lie awake in his bed, a thin wall separating them, and he would memorize the cracks in the ceiling as he fought himself. Part of him just wanted to go in there and pick her up and hold her, another part, the self preserving one, knew that would led to a dusty end. So he would wait until the sound trickled off and her breathing became relaxed and even, and only then would he enter her room. He always thought the rocker she had picked out was hideously ugly, but when she told him it was just like on her grandmother owned he caved in, and it was lucky he did, for it provided the perfect place to watch over her. And he would sit awake, chasing away the nightmares, only to tiptoe out before she woke. He didn't know why he did it, there was just this voice inside that was afraid once she broke she might never be Buffy again.

Tonight the same feeling swelled within him, as he watched her try to swallow back the tears that threatened to choke her. Finally, she let them fall with a sob as she admitted, "I miss my name."

It was, in reality, a silly thing to be so upset about. The loss of her friends, childhood possessions, her home, those she could take, but when Spike had insisted that they change their names she felt as though someone had stuck a knife in her gut. In a world so unfamiliar from the life she left behind her name was her one constant, the only connection to her mom now that she was gone, and it felt as though she were ripping away her identity. She knew he was right, already there had been some close calls. They could choose their own, that had been the deal, Spike settled for the familiar with Will and Buffy did the same, taking Summer as a first name but Dawn had decided she wanted an interesting name, something no one else had, thus Brownie was born. Buffy had pleaded with her to change it, but by then it was too late, they were already settled in, and Dawn, now Brownie, was thriving in school. They were just names, just letters printed on pieces of false identity, but to Buffy, who insisted real names be used at home, they were so much more.

"Oh god." Buffy pushed herself back from where she had been crying on Spike's chest, dampening his black shirt with her tears. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean to. You should be out looking for Dawn. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, pet." Spike said, titling his head as he tried to search her eyes as she furiously swiped at her tears. She backed up a step and he wrinkled his brow. "You coming?"

"I can't..."

"Of course you can." Spike reassured her. "Think I'd date a girl, much less live with one if she didn't care if me little sis went missing?"

"You don't have a little sister." Buffy reminded him with a smile. It was an arrangement Dawn had cooked up, one that had actually worked to their benefit. Spike posed as Dawn's older brother and guardian. None of Angel's little spies would even think to check out a brother registering his little sister for school, no, they were on the look out for two sisters. And Buffy? She was Spike's live-in girlfriend, a situation if reversed would have had Buffy clucked at, but as it was so many woman were smitten with the older brother, trying to do right by his sister that they often looked the other way. Sometimes even commenting on how sweet it was that his girlfriend was so interested in Dawn's schoolwork.

"Well, right now I do." Spike commented, jangling the car keys. "As well as a very sweet and concerned girlfriend." That was all Buffy need as she went for the door and led the search.


*****


An hour and a half later they had finally resorted to questioning her school friends, so far they had provided nothing useful except for quiet comments about her seeming kinda sad since Ashley. The last one on their list was Megan, a sweet timid girl with mousy brown hair, Dawn seemed to prefer the company of the bouncy Kendals and Britneys but was known on occasion to catch a movie with her. When her mom called her downstairs, she stood with a worried and guilty expression in a pair of pajamas covered with Kermit the Frog.

"I promised." She complained as she shifted in her seat.

"I know." Buffy spoke in a gentle tone, taking the girl's hand in her own. "But we are just worried about her. We don't want anything to happen to D- to Brownie."

"It's important." Spike tacked on kneeling beside the girl's armchair. "Please, Megan, I need to know where my sister is. You can understand that can't you?"

She could understand that, she just hoped Brownie would forgive her, it really wasn't fair for her to have a brother with such piercing blue eyes. "She said she needed to take off for a few days. Clear her head. But don't tell her I told you!" She pleaded with frightened eyes.

"Don't worry, luv." He soothed. "We won't. She say anything more than that?"

Megan shook her head as she said no, and also that she hoped they found her and that Brownie would be alright. Knowing that they had learned everything that she knew they hastily left.

"Well, that's just great." Buffy complained, as they backed out of Megan's driveway. "Back at square one. I swear I am gonna ring her neck when I find her." She made a motion of strangling someone between her hands before suddenly looking up, confused. "Hey, you missed our turn. Where are you going?"

"To find Dawn." He gritted out, steering wheel pressing harshly into his hands as he gripped it tightly.

"Oh of course, you know where she's at! And tonight has just been a little adventure, sorta like a scavenger hunt!" Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Don't know where she at." Spike admitted. "But I know where she's going."

"Oh and where is that exactly?"

His nostrils flared, anger humming off his skin, as he turned on to the highway. "Where else? Sunnydale."

TBC





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