Starting Over
”You should have let him kill me.” He meant it. God help him, but he did. He meant every word. Longing for what he would never have was exhausting. And he just wanted it to stop.
When she spoke, her voice was barely more than a whisper. “I couldn’t do that.”
He didn’t want her pity. A part of him wished he had the strength to just turn around and walk away. But he was weak. Always a fool for love. So he stayed. “Why?”
Buffy turned away from him, moving towards the bathtub. It was obvious that she didn’t want to meet his eyes. “You know why.”
“Because you love me.” He didn’t really believe it, of course. She could never love a monster. Spike couldn’t help but wonder how it was possible for a monster to feel like his heart was breaking into a million pieces. Especially since it didn’t even beat in the first place.
She still refused to look at him. For a moment, none of them spoke. Then Buffy let out a sigh and finally turned to face him. “What if I do? It doesn’t change anything, Spike. We both know there’s something between us. But we can’t...”
Suddenly feeling fury welling up inside him, Spike interrupted her; “Don’t go there, Slayer. Don’t say ‘we’, like I have any say in the matter. You and I both know it doesn’t work that way. Never did.”
Buffy glared at him. “I never asked you to love me! You can’t blame me for how you feel.”
Spike opened his mouth, then closed it again. Watching her for a moment, he then nodded in acceptance. “Fine. Never thought I’d say this, but I’ve had it. You win. I’m leaving.” Not waiting for her response – mostly because he feared that she just wouldn’t care – he pushed his way past her, out of the bathroom into the hallway.
As he headed for the stairs, every fibre in his body was screaming at him to turn around, to run back and beg her to give him another chance. To give them a chance. Pathetic. He forced himself to be strong and keep going. Because he knew what he had to do.
“Wait!” Buffy came out from the bathroom, hurrying after him. She ran up to him, grabbing his arm to stop him. “Where are you going?”
He stopped, closing his eyes for a moment. It hurt, just to look at her. And he was so bloody tired of hurting. “Why do you care?”
“I don’t.” Her response came quickly, automatically, and they both knew it was a lie. The difference between them was that Spike had gotten tired of her pretending to believe her own lies. She did care. She just wouldn’t admit it, not even to herself.
“Right. If you say so, Slayer.” He hated her. He hated the fact that she held this much power over him. Maybe she had never been able to stake him over the years, but she sure as hell had managed to rip his cold, un-beating heart right out of his chest and stomp on it, over and over again until there was nothing left. God, how he hated her!
And he loved her. He was utterly and helplessly in love with her. If she would only let him, he could show her just how far he was prepared to go for her. Show her that he would never really leave her, like those other wankers she had been unfortunate enough to fall for before him. He didn’t want to go. But she didn’t leave him any choice.
“Are you – are you coming back?” Suddenly, she sounded uncertain. However, he wasn’t stupid enough to think it actually meant anything. So what if he never came back? Maybe she would miss him for a little while, at least he thought she might. After all, she had gotten used to having him around. He was convenient. But that was all it was. He realized that now.
“Yeah.” Spike silently cursed himself. He was an evil master vampire. Or maybe not so evil anymore, but still, he should at least be able to lie. Make her worry a little. But no! This was what Buffy had reduced him to. A bleeding nancy-boy, unable to even pretend to be bad. He was whipped, no question about it.
“When?” There was the slightest trace of relief on her face, or maybe he was just imagining things. In reality, she probably couldn’t wait for him to be out of her life.
“Dunno.” He tried to sound casual. “There’s something I need to do. Not sure how long it’ll take, though, and I won’t be coming back until I’ve found it.”
Now she looked confused. He couldn’t really blame her. “Found what?”
Spike knew he probably shouldn’t tell her. There was always the possibility that he would fail, and he couldn’t bare the thought of disappointing her. Still, the words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself; “My soul.”
“Your... what?” Shaking her head, as if to clear it, Buffy stared at him in disbelief.
Spike sighed. “You heard me, Slayer.”
Buffy’s eyes narrowed. For some reason, she didn’t like when he called her that. It sounded so cold, like he didn’t really care about her. She wanted him to care. She just didn’t want him to know that. And she certainly didn’t want to care about him in return. God, she really was a bitch! Swallowing, she lowered her eyes. “I thought you just said...”
“My soul,” he repeated, nodding. “Gonna find a way to get it back.”
“Okay...” Buffy let out a somewhat uncertain chuckle. “Now I know I’m just hearing things.”
He raised a scarred brow, clearly annoyed. “That all you have to say?”
“Oh, come on!” She gave him a doubtful look. “You can’t possibly mean...” Seeing his dead serious expression, her voice trailed off.
“You’ll never love me like this.” His face was a picture of utter defeat. “Can’t go on fooling myself. You don’t belong in the dark, luv. I was wrong, trying to drag you down with me.” He paused. “See things a bit more clearly now.”
Buffy looked at him with wide eyes. “Spike, I...”
He interrupted her. “Wanna know why I really came here tonight?” Seeing the look on her face, he quickly went on; “To apologize, yeah. But also ‘cause I thought that if I could have you one more time, I could force you to feel what I feel.”
It took a moment for his words to sink in. When she finally spoke, Buffy kept her eyes on the floor. “What if I had refused?” Spike remained silent, and she raised her eyes, most reluctantly. “Would you have hurt me?”
“No!” He let out a bitter laugh. “Bloody hell! I don’t know.” A beat. “Doesn’t matter now, yeah? Gonna make sure it never comes to that.”
“By getting your soul.” Her face was now a mixture of wonder and astonishment. “You’re serious, aren’t you? You’d actually get your soul back for me.”
“Well, yeah.” He shrugged, like it was no big deal.
“But...” Tears were starting to well up in her eyes, but she stubbornly blinked them away. “Why?”
Spike reached out his hand towards her face, and she knew he expected her to pull away. She didn’t. Instead she closed her eyes as he gently cupped her cheek. “Never wanna hurt you again.”
“I believe you,” she whispered, slowly raising her hand to cover his. She didn’t have to open her eyes to see the look of complete awe on Spike’s face.
“Buffy...” he started, his voice trembling.
Now it was her turn to interrupt him; “Why is it that you can love me without a soul, and Angel couldn’t?”
Spike growled softly at the mention of his grand-sire, but was able to hold back a sarcastic remark. “Dunno, pet. Always been a bit of a rebel, I s’pose. Never been much for following the soddin’ rules.”
“No kidding...” She actually smiled a little. Then she became serious again. “You’re saying you’d get your soul back for me. But is that what you really want?”
He didn’t answer right away, which made her realize that he was actually thinking it through, and wasn’t just about to tell her what he thought she wanted to hear. Finally he nodded. “It is.”
Their eyes met, and Buffy suddenly felt like her head was spinning. It was like she heard what Spike was telling her, but her mind had yet to register just what a huge sacrifice he was offering to make for her. A part of her felt like she was dreaming. Or possibly drowning. She blinked, forcing herself to snap out of it.
“You really mean that.” It wasn’t a question. Spike nodded again. She tilted her head a little, watching him closely before she continued; “Which is why I finally realize you don’t need one.”
He just stared at her, clearly at a loss for words. The shock and confusion were written all over his face, and it nearly made her giggle. It wasn’t every day you would see Spike completely speechless. Finally taking pity on him, she reached out to take his hand in hers. “You were right, you know. I do have feelings for you.” She paused. “I just wouldn’t let myself trust you.”
“I get that now.” He finally found his voice. “That’s why I have to do this, luv. If a soul is what it takes for you to trust me...”
“That’s just the thing.” Buffy cut him off. “I’m not sure it even matters.”
His face fell, and he couldn’t keep the hurt out of his voice. “Saying you still wouldn’t trust me, is that it?” He tried to pull away from her.
“No.” She squeezed his hand, softly. “I understand, now. It’s not about having a soul or not. It’s about wanting to do what’s right. The fact that you’d willingly put yourself through something like that, just so you would never risk hurting me again...” She swallowed. “It means more to me than you’ll ever realize.”
Spike shook his head in objection. “You don’t get it, luv. Without a soul, a part of me will always be evil.”
“Maybe.” Buffy nodded, looking him straight in the eyes. “But it’s up to you to decide whether or not to act on it. You can choose to be good, Spike. I realize that, now. And I believe in you.”
He looked at her in astonishment. “Why?”
She smiled. “Because you love me.”
Returning her smile, somewhat shakily, Spike nodded in agreement. “That I do.” A pause. “Are you saying you don’t want me to get my soul back?”
“Well...” Buffy kept her eyes on their entwined hands. “If that’s what you really want, we’ll find a way.” She glanced at him.
“Think I’d like that, yeah.” For a moment, they just looked at each other, none of them able to look away.
“Okay.” She kept staring at him, like hypnotized. “Spike, I...”
His lips crashed against hers before she got the chance to finish, and she let out a soft moan, her arms slipping around his neck as she hungrily returned the kiss. ’I love you, too,’ she finished silently in her head. Suddenly she felt like she was actually ready to speak the words out loud. And she would, as soon as she had to pull back for air.
For so long, she had been afraid of loving again. But now, she felt like she had gotten another chance. She and Spike had both been hurting each other. But that was in the past now. It was time for them to start over. And suddenly, she felt like a huge weight had lifted from her shoulders.
The End