Standing on her back porch in the cool night air was supposed to make Buffy feel better. A quiet, dark place where she could breathe and attempt to clear her thoughts. Tonight, however, it only served to make her feel worse as she listened in on a heated argument between her watcher and closest friend.
It never failed. The first moment she managed to get her mind onto something other than her new life, she heard Giles ask Willow about the spell, and everything rushed back at her.
She stood with her arms crossed, breathing heavily and fighting tears as she looked into the moonlight. She wished she could feel something, anything other than the bitterness and sorrow that had filled her from the second she was forced to crawl out of her own grave.
She felt as if she could just collapse onto the porch, bury her head in her hands and cry herself to death, but his presence kept her from doing so.
She always knew when he was close, ever since they first made eye contact the night she was brought back. It was more than just the vampire-slayer spider sense. It was a bit deeper than that, and whereas before that probably would have bothered or annoyed her, this time around she was comforted by it.
Unsure of what to say or how to greet her, but aware of the fact that she could feel him there, Spike tossed his cigarette butt onto the deck in front of her feet. He couldn’t help the small smile that formed inside her when she immediately crushed it with her boot.
Buffy released a breath she had been holding and tried to hide the hint of a smile that formed on her face as she spoke. “Hello, Spike.”
He carefully approached the foot of the porch steps and smiled sympathetically at his slayer. “You hear all that noise?” he asked, obviously referring to the quarrel between Giles and Willow. He couldn’t believe how truly ignorant they both were. If either of them had bothered to look out the window they would have seen Buffy standing there, an earshot away from their harsh words.
Buffy took a deep breath and tossed her head back a little to get the hair out of her face. Little movements like that always mesmerized Spike, and though he knew she was hurting and that there were more important things to worry about, he couldn’t help but catch a whiff of her shampoo and think of how beautiful she was.
“Just enough to make me feel crappy,” Buffy said, looking irritated.
Spike smiled sadly and took a step toward her. “You know watcher boy doesn’t mean anything by it,” he said looking at her cautiously as he stepped up onto the porch to stand beside her.
She looked him up and down briefly and wondered why she was so comfortable with him around. “I guess.” She looked away and shook her head slightly. “Everyone… they all care,” she said with a slight tilt of her head. “They all care so much it makes it all harder.”
Spike stared at her with his head tilted and Buffy had to fight the urge to stare back at him and his piercing blue eyes.
“Not sure I followed you around that bend, luv,” he said as he took another step up toward her.
Buffy noticed she felt slightly different as he got closer. She almost felt… excited, and she quickly began to speak to cover it.
“I don’t know. I just- I feel like I’m spending all of my time trying to be okay so they don’t worry,” she said getting herself worked up again. “It’s exhausting. And then I…” she stopped herself, clutching a fist in front of her chest to calm herself.
Spike gazed at her and complete understanding washed over him. “And that makes them worry even more.”
Buffy looked down at her feet and swallowed. She knew Spike would understand. She knew the second he locked eyes with her after her resurrection that he, oddly enough, would be someone she could trust and confide in.
He smiled sweetly at her as he came to stand next to her, wanting nothing more than to see her smile back at him.
“Want me to take them out? Give me a hell of a headache but I couldn’t probably thin the herd a little.”
She blinked a few times as the imagery of Spike tackling her friends flashed through her mind and she couldn’t help but chuckle for a split second.
Spike was proud of himself and he smiled too at the sight of seeing the slayer laugh just a little. “Knew I could get a grin.”
She looked up at him then as he grinned ever so slightly at her, and quickly she tried to convey the silent thank you without actually having to say it.
Buffy looked away then and moved to sit on the porch steps, really not wanting to go back inside just yet, and let out a deep breath.
Spike carefully moved to sit beside her, waiting for her to give him that look or tell him to leave her alone, but it never came.
Buffy sat and thought for a second about all the times she’d seen Spike since she’d been back, and how oddly comforted she was to have him around when only months ago she wished he would just leave town and never come back.
It was strange, how her perception of him changed with her death. Already she had confided in him by telling him the truth about where she was. Really it had just sort of slipped out, but her comfort with his presence was what had allowed it to slip out.
She suddenly wished that she wasn’t so gloomy around him all the time.
“Why are you always around when I’m miserable?”
Spike looked away with a brief smile. “’Cause that’s when you’re alone, I reckon,” he said leaning forward a bit so he could catch a glimpse of her face. “I’m not one for crowds these days.”
Buffy looked up at him and noticed she felt slightly perkier now that he was here. “Me neither,” she said as she ever so slightly bumped his arm with hers.
Spike smiled sweetly at her and nodded slightly. “That works out nicely, then.”
The two looked away from each other in fear of anything getting too awkward. Spike was afraid he’d become a nuisance like the rest of the Scooby’s, and Buffy was afraid Spike would notice her admiring him.
“So what do you know about finances?” Buffy asked out of nowhere, and for quick cover.
Spike sat still for a moment, unsure if she was serious or not, then slowly turned his head toward her. “What?”
“Finances,” she repeated, looking into his eyes. “Bills, loans, mortgages, money in the overall sense,” she said as she began to slightly laugh and shake her head at herself.
“Um, not too much, I’m afraid,” he smiled as he looked her up and down. It was good to see her smile again, even if only for a moment. “What’s got money on your mind anyway? I figured you’d be set after-“ he stopped himself and looked at her just as she looked at him. “Well after…”
“After mom died? Yeah, I thought so too, but apparently it all got used up already.” Buffy let out a dry chuckle as she shook her head. “A lot of things I thought are turning out to be different…” she said looking over at him.
“How bad is it?”
Buffy looked down at her hands and feet and shook her head. “I’m not entirely sure yet. Just that I’m gonna have to figure out some source of income or else…”
Spike nodded and looked toward her back yard again. “Don’t worry about it, pet. I’ll figure something out for you and Dawn.”
Buffy pursed her lips and shook her head.
“I won’t let you lose the house…”
“No, Spike,” Buffy said turning her body toward him slightly. “You don’t have to help me. You’ve done enough-“
“I can never do enough,” he interrupted, pinning her with his stare. In that moment she couldn’t help but notice how blue his eyes sparkled in the moonlight. Her stomach did a little flip flop.
“Yes you have,” she whispered. “You’ve done so much already. While I was gone-“
“I made you a promise,” he interrupted again. “I wasn’t strong enough to keep you from having to make that jump.”
Buffy looked away again.
“I told you I would protect her and I’m going to. Even though you’re back… I’m still gonna protect her.”
Buffy swallowed hard to keep the lump that was forming in her throat from becoming a sob. Unshed tears in her eyes glistened as she continued to gaze at Spike.
Huge waves of unfamiliar emotion were rolling through her and she began to tremble at the intensity of it. It was a lot to go from feeling nothing at all to feeling like she wanted to jump in Spikes arms and never leave them.
Spiked eyes flitted back and forth from her eyes to her trembling lips. There was nothing he wanted more than to kiss her senseless, tell her how happy he was that she was back and that he couldn’t live without her.
“I will never fail you again, Buffy. I’ll die before I let anything happen to you or Dawn.” Buffy blinked and a single tear rolled down her cheek. Spike immediately moved to wipe it away.
Buffy felt herself beginning to lean into his touch. She fought hard not to sob into his hand. She was such a miserable person, how could he still care for her so much?
Her bottom lip trembled as she looked up at him. He was looking at her with this adoring look in his eyes. It shook her to her core.
“How can you love me?” she asked with a shaky, meek voice.
Spike swallowed and smirked slightly. “How can I not?”
Buffy choked out a sob and grabbed Spikes head with both of her hands, pulling him to her and trapping him with a long languid kiss.
Spike had to be careful not to take it too far, afraid of scaring her away. He subtly tried to pull back after a few seconds, to give her an out, but when she leaned forward to make up the space he knew he wasn’t going to be able to stop her if it was what she wanted.
Carefully Spike began to part his lips, hoping maybe he would be able to take just a small taste to savor. He was a bit taken back, however, when his lips parted just enough to let out a small sigh and her tongue slid into his mouth and began to massage his.
Slowly Spike brought a hand up and snaked a few fingers into her hair, pulling her slightly to him as she deepened the kiss just a little bit more.
Buffy let out a slight mewl as she let Spike sweep her off her feet. Her mind was screaming but her body was humming and that was enough to let her continue with what she was letting Spike do… with what she was doing with Spike… with what she started.
Spike slowly began to lower Buffy backwards until she was lying back on the porch. He leaned over her and deepened the kiss more, loving the way she wrapped her arms around his neck, not letting him go.
Their mouths broke apart when oxygen for Buffy became an issue. She gasped for air and immediately searched for his eyes.
Spike, however, was afraid to look her in the eye, afraid of her whiplash and the verbal beat down that was sure to come once she’d realized what she’d done.
Buffy blinked a few times and brought one hand up to her face, resting the back of it against her forehead. The surge of butterflies fluttering through her stomach was a little overwhelming.
“I’m sorry,” Spike finally huffed out, looking up at Buffy. The way she looked just then, with her hand on her head, he cheeks flushed and her chest heaving… she was beautiful and Spike wanted so badly to take her breath away with another mind blowing kiss.
“What are we doing here?” Buffy asked, looking a little frightened.
Spike felt a little surge wash through him when she said we. She didn’t kick him away from her yelling ‘what are you doing’ or ‘what were you thinking.’ She said we.
“Don’t rightly know, pet,” he said searching her eyes for a moment. “But it doesn’t feel wrong…”
Buffy stared for a few moments, unsure of what to say or do. She wanted very badly to deny Spikes comment, to tell him it was completely wrong, that it could never happen again, but she knew she’d only be lying. What had just happened, though brief and in no way life changing, felt completely right, and that scared her more than she ever wanted to admit.
Unsure of what she should say in that moment she simply stared back at him and swallowed the lump in her throat down. Her heart was pounding and her cheeks were red hot. She was feeling major tinglies in that moment. Good tinglies. Something other than pain or remorse or bitterness.
She felt excited… about Spike.
There was sparkage there, and where before she died she would have scoffed at the idea of there being sparkage with her and Spike, right now she was welcoming it. The sheer thought of there being sparkage between her and Spike would be enough to completely wig out Giles and the others, and that was oddly invigorating. Bugging them with something non-apocalyptic was definitely high on the Buffy to-do list. Payback for them feeling like they could do whatever they want whenever they want.
She was so sick of the hypocrisy within the group. She loved them all, really she did, but they all needed a serious reality check. They were so quick to judge and tell her what she needed to do and what she couldn’t do, yet there they were, doing whatever they wanted without thinking of the consequences. If she wanted to bask in the sparkage that was Spike then damnit, she would. Scooby feelings be damned.
She couldn’t lie, though, not when she had been so deprived of happy feelings and smiles that she certainly didn’t want to push away anything that made her feel good. Especially not Spike. He was so good to her, even as mortal enemies they were good for each other. Why should it be any different as friends or something more?
In all of her brains rambling she nearly forgot that Spike was still leaning over her, looking at her admirably whilst stroking her hair.
She blinked a few times and Spike couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face when she smiled ever so slightly up at him. He knew her well enough to know she was weighing options and rambling on in her head, all the while battling back reminders that in heaven she didn’t have to weigh options or worry about outcomes of little things. The small smile on her face, however, told that for once she had settled on a decision that was all her own, not influenced by anyone around her, and that alone made him feel like he’d accomplished something.
Buffy was so enamored with the onset of Spike sparkage that she never really said anything back to him despite really wanting to. It wasn’t until a loud crash and scream from Dawn coming from inside the house that Buffy was really pulled back to reality, no more day-dreamy babbling going on in her head.
She and Spike shared a knowing look and instantly they hopped up and burst back into the house.
x X x X x X x
A few hours after a door and railing repair and some damage control with Dawn and Giles, Buffy was back up in her room, idly straightening and getting ready for bed. Not that she was tired, not with the buzz of her earlier kill still humming through her body. Oh and yeah, the completely unexpected yet outstandingly satisfying kiss with Spike.
There was so much going on in her head. How she was having these new feelings, why she was having them… and how much she felt the need to just run with them instead of away from them. Her mind was screaming at her that it wasn’t right; something must be making her feel this way, something not of the good. But her body wanted to badly to feel the sensations that it had been feeling earlier, when Spike was pressed on top of her.
She wanted to feel him again. She wanted the spark again.
As if on queue, the tiny hairs on the back of her neck signaled vampire, and the burning in her belly told her it was Spike.
The corner of her mouth turned up in a smile, and before she even realized it she was moving toward the window.
Standing in his usual spot under the tree, all Buffy could see at first was the glow of his cigarette. It only took a moment before he stepped forward into the moonlight so that she could see his face.
Buffy’s breath caught ever so slightly when his eyes met hers. What she saw in him when she looked at him awed her.
A small smile from Spike was enough to show her he wasn’t going to push. He would wait for her to be ready for a relationship. He wasn’t going to prod; he wouldn’t be like everyone else. He would wait for her decision instead of making one for her.
His promised to protect her, and more importantly, Dawn, and Buffy knew in her heart he wasn’t lying, and he wouldn’t let her down. For the first time in a long time, Buffy felt she could let herself be protected, instead of having to be the protector.
With a small smile on her face she moved away from the window, turned off her bedroom light and slipped into bed. She half expected to feel Spike move away from her house, to go back to the comfort of his crypt and his own bed, but he didn’t move. He stayed planted underneath that tree, waiting to feel her fall asleep and Buffy suspected it was not the first time he had done this. And strangely, she didn’t mind.
Sleep took her faster than usual, and it was only after Spike felt her heart rate lower and her breaths come more shallow and quiet that he tossed his cigarette butt to the ever growing pile next to the tree. He looked up at her dimmed window and smiled softly to himself.
He looked up at the window and took an unnecessary breath, whispering as he exhaled. “I love you, Buffy.”
Turning to leave he felt a new warmness wash over him, and for a creature of room temperature it was extremely gratifying. He smiled the entire way back to his crypt, looking forward to tomorrow when he could see her again.
She had finally given him his crumb.
The End
Author's Chapter Notes:
Dialogue taken from the season six episode ‘Flooded,’ written by Jane Espenson & Douglas Petrie.
I do not own the characters of BtVS or AtS nor do I make money off of anything I write. I do this for fun and everything belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, although, if anyone's offering I'll take Spike ;) No copyright infringement intended.
I do not own the characters of BtVS or AtS nor do I make money off of anything I write. I do this for fun and everything belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, although, if anyone's offering I'll take Spike ;) No copyright infringement intended.
Chapter End Notes:
Please please please take the time to let me know what you think *bats eyelashes*